Melanie Tonia Evans

Clarifying No Contact – The Common Pitfalls That Keep Us Hooked

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 19
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

No Contact is probably the biggest buzz word in narcissistic abuse recovery, and that’s really no surprise because it’s widely acknowledged that No Contact from a narcissist is vital in order to recover from one.

Anyone that has experienced narcissistic abuse knows the feelings like black ink and ice running through your veins when enmeshed with a narcissist.

If you don’t achieve No Contact it is like being continually poisoned whilst trying to detox from the poison that is making you so sick. It’s very, very difficult to get well when you are constantly tied up in the battle of trying to survive the onslaughts of narcissistic abuse.

But really there is a deeper truth going on.

And that is that we are dealing with an obscene addiction. And like all addictions, what we are addicted to is an attempt to self-medicate our own inner broken parts. We are trying to get relief from them.

This attempt to self-medicate is always a pull towards what generates “more of” these broken parts, rather than understanding we need to let go, detach from what we are addicted to, and take responsibility for and heal these parts ourselves.

What are these parts?

They are the young, insecure parts of ourselves which have not yet become whole, which are trying to seek love, support and approval from the narcissist.

These are the parts of ourselves that feel so devastated by what the narcissist has done, and are causing us to feel like we will emotionally and literally die if we don’t somehow fix it and change what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

No Contact is a VERY big deal, as is Modified Contact if co-parenting or being in another situation that necessitates some contact.

But what does No Contact really mean?

 

No Contact is as Emotional as it is Physical

We may think that No Contact simply means “not contacting someone” and “not taking their contact”, but if we are not really clear on what No Contact means and how to get there – not only will we still feel “infested” by the narcissist’s energy, we will also be at risk of breaking or taking contact.

There is a much greater reality going on here than just logical or physical realities. Narcissistic abuse is an emotional and spiritual phenomenon. It is a spiritual awakening of the highest order.

There are many people who have been No Contact for decades, yet the narcissist still lives inside them as if the abuse happened yesterday. The contact is still happening in their very being.

Sadly, people think that this is a normal side-effect of abuse, and that the conditions of agoraphobia, Complicated-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a diminished trust in life, others and self are some of the legacies of being abused by narcissists.

This is what is often termed as a “survival recovery” – meaning I got out, I survived, but yet I am diminished as a result.  This person may never have recovered from the smearing, the emotional and financial loses, and is suffering mental and even physical health effects as a result of the narcissistic abuse – without getting better.

The truth is this person may have done a physical No Contact but they did not do an emotional one. They never made their healing all about raising and healing their own consciousness – the gaps that the narcissist was able to target in the first place.

And this is perfectly understandable when we have been conditioned to think that our life is “logical” and that “reality” is about what is physically happening, rather than our emotional recovery being placed as the highest priority.

Way too much emphasis is placed on the “seen” world and not the “unseen” world – not realising that all our results in the seen world are emanating from our emotional ability to generate our life – period.

When we understand Quantum Truths we can start to see how the inner drivers of our life happen – they are emotional not logical, and our Inner Being knows no difference between actual events and the memories and emotional chemicals our perceptions create of past events which are still coursing through our beings.

The total Quantum Truth is this – there is only “now” and the emotional state of your Inner Being now. There are people who have been No Contact for thirty years who are diminished, traumatised and living extremely limited survival realities that are still based in fear and protection.

Conversely, there are people who have only done a month of No Contact who are working hard at cleaning up their original traumas that led them into narcissistic abuse unconsciously. These people who have made their journey all about evolving themselves, accept the narcissist was a catalyst and are already starting to feel more expanded. They are on the way to their True Self more so than they ever have been in their entire life.

Some time ago I met a lady who escaped a narcissistic marriage 28 years previously. She hadn’t had contact with him for 26 years, yet she confessed to me that she was still terrorised by what he had done to her.

Every day she still obsessed about how he always had a woman that he “loved” after discarding her, despite declaring his undying love when they were first married. She had been agonised about how “the love of her life” could just move on, whilst she was too heartbroken to maintain any new relationship.

She had never been able to reconcile these tortured emotions, even after numerous psychiatrists and copious amounts of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications. This lady had at times in her life when the pain got too much, been admitted to psychiatric care.

She never broke No Contact physically, yet he was in constant “contact” in her thoughts. The “sensible adult” inside her was preventing her making physical contact with him, but the broken inner child that she had never gone to and healed – who felt so abandoned by her parents before him and then by him – was still screaming inside her in agony.

These parts of her hated and resenting him for not healing her original emptiness of emotional neglect, and then at times fantasised about how one day he would return to her and grant her the love she really craved, but never received as a child.

Both forms of thought about him were emotional ongoing contact.

 

No Contact Without Coming Home to Ourselves

When this lady didn’t understand the deeper reason she had experienced a narcissist, she was stuck with her young wounds with no way out.

Even though she had separated from him physically.

Her husband, as a soul contract, was never meant to grant her a pardon to these wounds. Instead he had been in her life to allow her to see them, so that she could finally stop self-abandoning her inner being.

This was the opportunity for her to self-partner, heal her original traumas of emotional neglect and put an end to the future trajectory of playing them out with other people – mirroring how her essential relationship with herself was positioned.

If we are continually experiencing the emotional content of unfinished business that the narcissist brought up for us, we are still doing emotional contact.

The narcissist’s abuse, our energised trauma and our diminished self lives on.

When we haven’t turned inwards to become the healer of our own emotional Inner Being, we will always position the narcissist as “the healer of our life”. This happens when we were unconscious to the soul contracts we have with these people.

Even though narcissists showed up as “the person to love us” – as the love partner or as a significant role model in our life such as a parent – this person was never going to love us back to our own health and wholeness.

No matter which way we slice and dice it, this person was not the healer of our emotions and life – rather they were the messenger of all the areas of our life we have not yet self-partnered and loved ourselves back to wholeness on.

As a part of our soul’s desire to evolve beyond our previous personal and ancestor’s emotional levels of consciousness, the narcissist in our life hits these parts very hard.

When we remain unconscious, we hang on despite evidence showing us logically that this person is hurting us more and more. In fact, the more we try to force this person to provide us with the love, approval and security that we are not providing for ourselves, the more they will abuse us.

And that is exactly what these soul contracts are supposed to produce.

And even if we pull away without cleaning up our original traumas and subconscious programming that disconnected us from loving, approving of and generating our own incredible life, we remain in agony about what the narcissist did to us.

We still hold them responsible because the soul contract is not fulfilled.

Meaning we haven’t come home to ourselves yet.

This is a time when No Contact emotionally is incredibly difficult and naturally could be incredibly difficult physically.

When this person is still held responsible by us for our life we will be addicted to getting “something” – some energy from them. We may be so addicted (which always means not taking responsibility and turning inwards to heal our own emotional self) that we know this person is killing us, yet we feel like we will emotionally die without this person.

It is very, very hard to get serious about No Contact at this point, because we are still showing up within the emotional container of the unhealed child – hoping unconsciously, powerlessly and immaturely that the narcissist will heal our wounds.

We are unconsciously looking for a “parent” to do it differently, rather than becoming a healthy parent / partner to ourselves.

This is when we will do No Contact like a drug addict. We may obsessively check up on Facebook, or seek information through any channels. We may read through old texts and emails that we haven’t deleted. Maybe we look at old pictures together. Maybe we hang onto things that the narcissist bought us that remind us about him or her.

If we do any of these things, we are still doing emotional contact absolutely.

And this stunts recovery … totally.

This you need to understand …

It all gets back to the emotional healing. Are we doing the unravelling and healing of our original wounds? Because if we don’t commit to this, we significantly run the risk of staying hooked.

 

The Reasons We Break No Contact

I myself broke No Contact more times than I could ever count. That is not unusual – in fact it is very usual.

Virtually all of us did this before working on the original traumas in our subconscious.

As Pema Chodron famously said “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”. Just as such, I know with all of us who ever struggled with No Contact, that we had not fulfilled the soul contract of narcissist abuse and that is why we were still hooked into it.

We were making it all about the narcissist instead of healing ourselves.

Another one of Pema Codron’s quotes which is very appropriate comes to mind … ““If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart.”

When we believe the narcissist is responsible for our love, approval and security instead of being these things to ourselves – we are in for a hard ride.

It means we haven’t had enough pain yet to awaken out of unconsciousness into the consciousness to make a 180 degree turn towards ourselves, inwards, to our essential self-partnering.

The vicious cycle of addiction in narcissistic abuse is this:  abuse – triggered wounds –attempts to try to get the narcissist to fix the wounds – escalated abuse – escalated triggered wounds – escalated attempts to try to get the narcissist to fix the wounds …

Do you see? Can you understand how this takes us all the way to our own demise?

Because we haven’t awakened yet to the soul contract of the narcissist making our conscious wounds conscious so that WE can heal them.

In this phase we are likely to only half-heartedly put up blocks to contact. We may easily cave in to moments of weakness, or take contact when the narcissist hoovers us for narcissistic supply again.

 This following information is a part of what we are deeply workshopping in the 3 Key Facebook Group at present. To be a part of this Group click here to join.

I promise you … I know intimately how hard No Contact is when you feel addicted, when you feel hooked, and when you just can’t seem to stop giving into those highly charged, panicked urges, or the “excuses” that your mind keeps telling you, which make you either take his/her contact or initiate it.

Despite knowing that it only ever leads to the same pain, over and over again.

And the reason I am sharing my story with you is to help you know there is a way out of the insanity and hell of this addiction – truly … I promise you.

I broke No Contact soooo many times. I broke No Contact, even after moving out, even after settlement was finalised, and even after businesses were separated.

I broke No Contact even after divorcing him for god sake!!

And I snuck around like a drug addict … lying, hiding the fact I was still seeing him behind everyone’s back – including the person I love the most in the world – my son Zac.

Why did I do this?

Because I was drastically unhealed. My young wounds had grabbed complete and utter control of me and I was powerless against them. I would stay away for one hour, one day, one week, and at one point an entire year … but, because I didn’t know how to, at that stage, address my inner wounding that had hooked me in so hard to him – I did it the tough way.

I was white-knuckling all the way barely hanging in there. Constantly having to work sooo agonisingly hard at reminding myself about all the reasons why I should stay away. Which amounted to attempting to manage my wounds instead of self-partnering and healing them.

I thought I was not free from him – but the truth was I was not free from myself.

I was like a heroin addict, and when I would cave back into the addiction when my urges to reconnect got the better of me, I would sell my soul for one lick of a crumb of hope regardless of what I had to go through to get it.

I was sicker than sick …

And it is important to understand what happens is this: the brain organises around the body.

And what that means is – when we have unhealed inner subconscious wounding (emotions) our brain will find a way to default to agree with these wounds. Which is exactly what subconscious beliefs generate – the validity of the belief with Life itself.

These were some of the triggers that my young wounds (unhealed at this stage) would get hooked in by, causing me to break No Contact, causing me to make justifications and excuses in my mind.

1) Sometimes it was because of something horrible he did that I was incensed about, despite knowing logically he would never be accountable.

The related inner belief systems that had not been re-programmed: “People who love me crush my boundaries / I have no rights.”

2) Sometimes it was because other people would report what he was doing, despite realising his behaviour had been exposed to me as sub-human long before this.

My unconscious related beliefs: “I can’t trust people the people I am supposed to trust. They say one thing and do another.”

3) Sometimes it was because he was love bombing me and promising me the world to reconnect, despite knowing that would last all of a day and then would be back to “narcissism as usual”.

The unresolved beliefs in my life still hooking me into this was: “I am not important enough to be loved decently or safely.”

4) Sometimes it was because he “seemed” to be owning that he had issues and that he would work on them. (As above.)

5) Sometimes it was simply because I was so shattered, empty, lonely and devastated about the man and life I had lost, that I couldn’t’ stand it anymore, and I’d ask to see him, despite knowing that if I told him I missed him he would tell me all the reasons why I was not good for him!

This was HUGE for me! Like so many women I had the trapped DNA belief traumas of “I can’t survive without a man.”

6) Sometimes it was because I kidded myself in thinking “I can handle this, just seeing him once a week for dinner is not harming anyone!” Even though knowing that was generally a disastrous, intensely traumatic evening.

This was the justifications and making excuses because my internal beliefs went like this: “I have to cling on and make this work otherwise I won’t survive.”

7) And sometimes it was because I felt like it was me who had the issues, and somehow I was the cause of the majority of the problems, despite knowing my admittance of my faults did not help matters.

This was also to do with the justifications and excuses my mind was coming up with in order to cling on.

 

Closing Communication Channels Down

I really want you to understand that true No Contact means shutting down channels of communication, and this means blocking and meaning it – phone, emails, Facebook, and deleting people who are in contact with the narcissist or blocking them.

Making sure there are no channels of contact open for the narcissist to get to you – or for you to check up on him or her.

Also knowing that if the narcissist does find a way to contact you, such as using another email address or another phone number, that you will not reply.

To this day I don’t answer any random texts that I don’t know who they are from and I refuse to  pick up phone calls from numbers I don’t know. It’s a habit I have firmly implanted in my being since deciding No Contact ever in any shape or form.

I also will not reply to any emails that don’t feel “right” to me.

 

Why Closing Down All Communication Channels is Vital

With narc number one I did No Contact the white-knuckling way, feeling like a totally powerless addict until I had Quanta Freedom Healing and found the way to up-level my original wounds and fulfil the soul contract – meaning becoming my own source of love, approval and security in the places he had showed up for me where I wasn’t.

With narc number two I did No Contact in a much cleaner and more empowered way.

That time I knew what had happened had nothing to do with him, other than being someone who had made my unconscious wounds conscious so that I could heal them. I knew that if I simply focused on self-partnering and going to the wounds he had triggered and up-levelled them, that there would be zero urge to have him in my life.

I was right – that is exactly how it played out.

The first time around with No Contact with the first narcissist I was trying to stay away logically;I hadn’t understand the evolutionary Quantum Truths yet.

And at the time I was soooo bamboozled as to why I knew better, and yet the results never changed – because some part of me just kept going back and back for more.

It JUST didn’t make sense! Wasn’t that the definition of “insanity”?!

Back in my No Contact struggles I would put intervention orders on, change my phone numbers and emails and then BREAK No Contact, re-connect and have the intervention order removed and give the ex-husband my new contact details!

Naturally the police stopped taking me seriously. People in my life stopped taking me seriously, and the worst of it was I could no longer take myself seriously because I was letting myself down again, and again and again.

Once I self-partnered, faced myself and worked on my original wounds with Quanta Freedom Healing I was able to heal myself and become an up-levelled mature adult within my emotional container … and then the urges, pulls and addiction left me.

The RELIEF was indescribable because there were no related parts of myself hooked onto trying to make him heal me anymore.

I had healed them myself.

I finally knew that the pulls to the narcissist were actually not about the narcissist – they were about the wounds within me causing the anxiety that were making me try to self-medicate with the narcissist.

I found it was exactly the same with all of my other addictions – cigarettes, workaholism, and even food.

When I stopped enabling these addictions, by simply stopping doing them (going No Contact with them) and came home to my own self-partnering and let the wounds come up and fully met them with Quanta Freedom Healing to release them out of my body – every addictive craving simply melted away.

I have seen the same happen with every person who I have ever helped with healing their inner traumas in order to hold true No Contact without the agony of addiction.

And truly there are two ways to do this.

Pull away and block all channels, stop checking up on the narcissist, and let go of everything and anything that reminds you of the narcissist that you have been “clinging to” and then take on full self-partnering and go straight to the wounds, or

Let go as much as you can – and then immediately start working diligently on your inner wounds. By doing so you will find that you detach more and more and more and organically it becomes so much easier to feel no attraction, pull or need to resolve anything with the narcissist. Because you have been able to achieve all the up-levelling and resolution you need within yourself.

 

The Truth About No Contact

The bottom line is this:

Without working on yourself No Contact is grueling – and you may not set it up in a way that you even really mean it.

However, when you work on yourself to fulfill your soul contact – meaning resolving and healing your self-levels of love, approval and security – then you will do No Contact easily.

You will not bite if the narcissist does make contact, and you will have no care whether or not they even try to.

Because you know your life has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you.

I so hope this article has helped you understand the deeper levels and truths about No Contact.

I would love you to join me in my next 3 Keys to Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar where you will join thousands of people from all over the world learning to up-level and heal their soul contracts with narcissists.

Also, we are presently workshopping with No Contact and other associated topics in the 3 Keys Webinar Group.

In only days people are already experiencing profound breakthroughs, and the same can happen for you.

Click here to join us.

As always I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on Clarifying No Contact – The Common Pitfalls That Keep Us Hooked
  • victoriazaitz@fastmail.fm'
    Victoria
    November 13, 2015

    What about when someone has kids with a narc and must communicate due to that? Have you written anything about that?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2015

      Hi Victoria,

      please find the details of this article:

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

      I hope they help,

      Mel xo

      • knovakaine@yahoo.com'
        Naomi
        November 14, 2015

        I’m wondering (and maybe Victoria is too) if you’ve written anything about how to deal with a narc (on a personal level) if the choice of made to maintain some kind of contact, such as having joint custody with my children?

      • Susan.wright@ilsi.net'
        Susan
        November 28, 2015

        Hi Melanie,
        You are just awesome. You’ve nailed so many of his traits, so many of my emotions and challenges.
        My NC is tough, he is my ex and my boss. I’ve been able to restrict our contact to work only subjects.
        He broke up our 22 year relationship with a text. (8 weeks ago)
        I’ve been an executive with our firm for 26 years. He retires in two years. Can I make this work? I’m so much better off now without the freeze-outs and childish behaviors coming from him, but the addictive hook and obsessive thoughts are worse for me because we work so closely 8 hours a day.
        I’m looking forward to the webinar to start working to heal my CPTSD from childhood.
        No lateral move possible at work. Not anxious to start a new job at 60.
        You are a blessing to each of us.

  • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
    liz
    November 13, 2015

    Thanks for this very useful and very true article.
    The real no contact is to reach emotional freedom.
    But how to reach this emotional indepedence is the question?

    How?
    How can i become emotionally detached?
    How can i vecome emotionally unwounded?

    I ve been no contact and accepting intellectually to be physixally apart and go on with life (the show must go on)
    But deep inside can it really be healed?
    Please give us a trick how to unwound emotionally?
    Do we really have power on that?

    Thanks Mel for your continuous and helpful articles
    Liz

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Liz,

      you are very welcome.

      This is all about the essential work on ourselves to heal and reprogram the old subconscious wounds that the narcissist ripped open.

      That is exactly what the NARP Program is: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      You can learn all about how to self-partner and heal profoundly and powerfully by coming into the Webinar Group – we are deeply workshopping that right now.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
        liz
        November 15, 2015

        Yes Melanie, i have just subscribed to silver Narp and starting now…
        Thank you

  • pandabrick@hotmail.com'
    Amanda
    November 13, 2015

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks for another of your amazing emails which always pop up in a timely manner for me.

    It has been just over a year since my ex narc abruptly and cruelly dumped and “abandoned” me out of the blue and I have been working on coming home to myself and doing the inner work since then.

    He has just contacted me via text out of the blue for the first time since the disguard. I don’t feel any urge to see or contact him, however, I will admit a slight part of me struggles with being what feels like “rude” for not answering, in case there was a chance he never was a narc in the first place and I got it wrong. I am guessing this is something I have to work on – feeling I always have to be “nice” to people and do the “decent, mature thing”. Ignoring feels like I am somehow giving him more significance, if that makes sense. These are just feelings I am admitting to – I am not going to act on them.

    Secondly, I haven’t felt these feelings in a while until this recent text, I thought I had done the work, and while I have zero desire to recconect or have him in my life, I feel disturbed by this contact, is this normal? I actually feel sick when I think about it and repelled and disgusted by the thought of the past relationship, like a horror film I never want to see again, almost like an extreme shudder or cringe at his intrusion. Is this the opposite of attraction? I guess if I did not have any charge, I wouldn’t feel repelled either? I am a bit confused…

    Love Amanda x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Amanda,

      you are so welcome.

      Absolutely any trigger that trips us up as “guilt” or any other emotional charge can be looked at to target and reprogram. Also there is always a part of our ego invested, that we can target and let go of, if we are worried about “what they think or get” from what we are or aren’t doing.

      Because the truth is this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with our own healing and development.

      The goal Amanda is totally benign feelings and then just compassion and expansiveness. Repulsion is definitely a lot safer than attraction – but it is still painful and heavy emotion that can recreate more of what you are repulsed about. It is no guarantee of staying narc free. Expansion, freedom, liberation, radiance is that absolute guarantee.

      Have you come into one of my Webinar Groups yet? You may need to take it to a deeper level to really unravel the confusion and break free.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

  • rachel@chilley.co.uk'
    Rachel Murray
    November 13, 2015

    Hi

    The narcissist in my life is my Mum. I have been no contact with her for over a year, and that has helped a great deal. If feel lighter, and in much better physical health.
    My question is: do you recommend I cut off contact with my Sister and Brother too, because they still have regular contact with her themselves? I do struggle with my siblings at times, especially when they are relaying messages from my Mum. However, they are my siblings and there is a lot I love about them.
    Any advice more than welcome,

    Thanks

    Rachel M

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Rachel,

      the truth is only you can answer this – and it is to do with how much development you have done on your own self work, and how you can show up with your siblings.

      Are you able to be yourself and lay boundaries lovingly and clearly and invite them to uplevel with you into evolutionary relationship? Meaning that you are authentic and real and are no longer derailed by the fears of abandonment, criticism and punishment.

      Are they able to meet you at a level of healthy transparency and asking for what they need from you as well, because you have expressed that you want an uplevelled relationship with them?

      Such is really important when we have had struggles with people in our life that have been emotionally painful.

      Also have you done the healing from your narcissistic parent, so that you can show up in such an empowered and healthy way with all your relationships?

      That level of evolving ourselves truly is the gift of narcissistic relationships.

      Mel xo

  • audratot@yahoo.com'
    ayaana
    November 13, 2015

    After six months of no contact my son’s bday was around the corner (mine not his) and I got this really strange message from a strange number. I tried calling it but it didn’t even ring. then I felt wary. I immediately blocked it. On my son’s bday he receives a text from my separated spouse wishing him a happy bday. Immediately my son showed me and instead of making an issue of it I spoke to my son and asked him how he felt and reassured him. Then I spoke to myself and said little me doesn’t need to deal with this because it will bring no good to her. In some sick way it will give the narc the attention even if it’s negative and use it as extra supply. I said thank you God for making me aware o and the conviction to keep moving forward and see that looking back has no value for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Ayanna,

      it truly is about healing ourselves to the level where we truly have no concern or care if they try to make contact or not.

      Our own lives and our own development is far more important and relevant.

      Mel xo

  • lawrence.reid08@gmail.com'
    Lawrence
    November 13, 2015

    I’m still trying to figure out if I was a stalking narc or co dependant or both. My narc went no contact with me after she destroyed me I nearly killed myself heaps of times. And I wasnt going to accept being abused and discarded. Its like being raped and then everyone ignoring you. To me it was like bashing someone and then ignoring them and pretending it never happened and refusing to take any accountability and responsibility. Am I a hoovering narc because I wouldnt let her get away with that behaviour? I did sent her hundreds prob thousands of messages. We both quit our jobs and she left the country rather than talk to me and admit her mistakes and take responsibility. I can only work casual now and do therapy with my kids that were effected by this demonic influence in my life. I understand its my responsibility but I have reoccuring thoughts every few minutes and up and down (99% down) intense emotions that i spend my day dealing with and takes most of my energy. I have to move from Sydney to cental coast because im broke now and cant afford to live in Sydney, this is my life now and my kids were affected badly so im still major pissed at the narc who was the first person I met with no heart and just enjoyed destroying my soul so I feel justified in my abusive harassing bombardment of angry messages. I mean if someone punches you in the face do you chase them down and make them responsible or just let them go and let them keep punching and destroying people? Anyway Im focusing on myself now to fix my kids and hope that I dont run into the narc again. I still love her as a person and feel sorry for her and myself and for my kids from this entire experience. I’m still unsure if my justified abuse that was just ignored anyway makes me a narc. Still it was a dangerous time going no contact with me just after she destroyed me. I became dissociated and crazy. Now im just going to stay single for a few years but I’ll probably changed my mind about that again tomorrow. I learn so much from your articles Mel but I still feel I have to sift and apply whats revelant for me as im still insure if im narc or co dependant. Ithink

    • lawrence.reid08@gmail.com'
      Lawrence
      November 13, 2015

      Also Im moving on now to be conscious and independent, but im still curious to what happened and whether I was a narc. Also i posted some comments on youtube which I since deleted because maybe its a bit negative, regarding evolutionary dna and how that effects our behaviour and the fact that we are over 98% identical to chimps. We are fighting natural animal instincts that we arent conscious of. Once someone researches this I think they would agree its very interesting and definitely plays a part in understanding relationships. For example as a honest man (which aleays gets me into trouble) I agree that its unnatural and aginst our evolutionary habits to stay loyal to one partner. We have an natural urge to breed and thats why I think marriage is such a challenge. Thay have done studies were they give a woman 10 sweaty shorts from 10 different men. She will smell them and decide on the one she likes the most and theres always one she does. She will be attracted to this man. She doesnt know that she likes him because she can smell his immune system and she selected the man with the immune system that is most different to hers to build a stronger gene. He may be a narc?? But she cant figure out why she is so attracted to him in the first place. This along with woman natural need to be provided security for and dominated and looking for social staus in a partner I think makes them vulneralbe to narc abuse. Which I think is interesting. I know I have done too much resesrch but I couldnt sleep for over a year. I gained the most from your healing. xx

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 14, 2015

        Hi Lawrence,

        the truth is we only ever hold other people responsible when they don’t love us because we don’t love ourselves.

        Period.

        And that is the egoic fearful, underdeveloped, not yet healthy child part of us … that is wounded from not having received original role model love that is blaming and shaming others for it.

        As a child we had no choice, as an adult we can realize that other adults are only ever reflecting back to us the level of self-partnering and love we presently have for ourselves.

        The difference between co-dependency and narcissism is the co-dependent has the capacity – if awakening- to realise this actually has nothing to do with other people (they are only catalysts) and it has everything to do with healing our own original wounds which are still playing out with other people.

        A narcissist will refuse to do this and continue to blame and try to hurt others to relieve their own disowned, unattended to wounds.

        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

        • lawrencereid@y7mail.com'
          Larry R
          November 14, 2015

          Thanks Mel, helps a lot! I lose focus easily sometimes and I’m impulsive, I have up & downs and get side tracked and it hinders my healing. xx

  • victoria.millington@yahoo.co.uk'
    Artzee
    November 13, 2015

    Melanie, thank you very much for your profound insights into every subject you write and speak regarding the narcissistic abuse. I’m doing NARP diligently every day for few weeks now and boy, every day I feel less and less traumatized and obsessed. I’m making baby steps progress but even though it brings huge difference and relieve comparing to previous state of my existence.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have a question. In my latest shifts with modules 6 and 7 instead of almost unbearable pain I always experiencing (which made me cry and sob uncontrollably) I felt overwhelming anger, rage almost… Well… What’s up with that? I don’t know what to think… It doesn’t fit with “wounded child” or does it? Where it came from and what should I do with it? Many thanks. xxx

  • simi.m@me.com'
    Simone
    November 13, 2015

    Great advice Mel. I’ve recently attempted no contact from narc number 5. I wish I’d had your insights re narcissists and why we attract them years ago; and looking forward to breaking this pattern. You inspire hope for a real love relationship and happy future. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Simone,

      you are so welcome.

      What is really important to know is that we were meant to do this journey.

      There is no mistake and it all leads to our own evolution, development, joy and greater freedom.

      Mel xo

  • alymartin@live.com'
    Alyson
    November 13, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    This article was so timely for me. I’ve struggled to do no contact for a year now and have experienced the hoovering every time I unblock him. At times I’ve been strong and not responded and other times I’ve responded and wished I hadn’t. Has been a vicious cycle that’s kept me hooked for way too long.
    I had a 5 year relationship with this person and I was always the one finishing with him as I knew his behaviour was not normal or healthy. But he always managed to talk me round and so I’d go back time and time again for more of the same.
    I am now fully aware of the addiction that resides in me because of the dynamics of the whole relationship, me finishing with him for him to want me back which made me feel wanted, worthwhile and validated.
    I now truly get he was never going to make me feel whole as that is my job and I know only by healing my inner wounds which I took on from an abusive childhood am I ever going to heal and stop making it someone else’s job to fix me.
    After a month and a half of no contact I stupidly unblocked him again thinking surely this time he had moved on as this is the longest I’ve implemented no contact for him to message me asking how I am.
    I didn’t respond immediately but then I did telling him we were dead and buried and could he kindly delete my number. To which he replied I was very full of my own self importance and he would never consider getting back with me and he was now in a happy loving relationship but was just being friendly and polite! I said I was happy for him and said he had no reason to be contacting me again then. After that the whole tennis match began and I was called a nutter and unhinged.
    Now I am left in yet another head spin annoyed at myself for responding and feeding him any energy.
    I deleted my face book account months ago as I kept looking at his page to see what women were liking his pictures. I’ve blocked his email addresses and after that last dialogue I’ve changed my phone number.
    I’ve been working narp for just over a month now and am feeling slightly better but this horrible addiction just won’t go away. I feel like a lab rat that’s been conditioned. I just want to have a day when he doesn’t enter my thoughts in any way, shape or form.
    I’m just wondering Mel, is there any module I can work on that’ll help with the addiction side as I’ve worked module 1 and have just moved onto 2. Maybe I need to still keep shifting using 1.
    im so grateful for your site and everything I read on here resonates with me completely. I’m forever thankful to you.

    Alyson x

    • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
      liz
      November 14, 2015

      Dear Alyson

      I feel exactly as you do….
      Not able to stop the desire of ex narc….
      Not able to stop the useless addiction…

      4 years now, he isn t part of my life anymore . But still impacting my emotions .

      Liz

      • alymartin@live.com'
        Alyson
        November 14, 2015

        Hi Liz,
        Are you working Narp? I believe it’s the only way we can ever heal what’s within us and finally move on.
        It scares me that your 4 years down the line and he’s still taking up emotional space in your life.
        Im trying so hard to now make this about me, healing myself and my defunct beliefs that are bringing these people into my life. He was the 2nd narc I’d been in a relationship with over a 10 year period although the 1st was a pussy cat compared to what I’ve just been through.
        At the moment I have days when I feel high on life because I feel good about myself and then days when I feel I need my ex narc to still validate me.
        I never want to be with him again but just wish this horrible cycle would stop.
        I know I’m on the right path but it just feels like a long road ahead to finally break free x

        • agapetoujours@gmail.com'
          liz
          November 14, 2015

          Hi Alyson

          I am starting now NARP.
          Same as you, very clear i wouldn t like him in my life but unable to stop thinking and, in a way desire, him. I want to stop that horrible cycle!
          Glad that we are not alone on that difficult path

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Alyson,

      It sounds like you have just started working with NARP, which is great.

      It is also wonderful that you realise that healing your inner wounds that have been keeping you hooked is key.

      Alyson I can’t recommend enough being in the NARP Forum where you have the continual resource of the Thriver Team to help you get through this part of it, and deeply work with you regarding targeting these wounds and uplevelling them.

      Are you connected?

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/

      Mel xo

      • alymartin@live.com'
        Alyson
        November 16, 2015

        I’m a narp silver member so don’t have access to it unfortunately.
        I think I’ll have to upgrade to gold as I really feel I need extra support.
        Thanks Mel x

  • Gabrielefelnauer@hotmail.com'
    Gabriele Felbauer
    November 14, 2015

    That is not true in my particular case. I moved on physically and emotionally from my ex long long time ago. I had no childhood trauma, no trauma at all before that insane relationship. My only son died in 2007 in a carcrash. His stepfather, my narcissistic ex, an immature and irresponsible alcoholic and his drinking buddies turned him into an alcoholic and tought him how to drink and drive and instead of having any remorse he is now going after my 6 year old daughter through the Courts even though he hasn’t been in Her life before 2013. His lies and manipulations, playing the innocent victim game, you name it, cause so much stress and anxiety because now I fear for her safety and wellbeing and everybody thinks I am not able to move on, but he is the one who doesn’t allow me to move on. I am scared for my dayghter’s life now for good reason, he forced us back into his dangerous lifestyle and power and control games, he restricted us to a tiny tiny area, we are not allowed to travel, he got that done through the Law System, now there is no escaping his abuse until my daughter is 18 years old. How do I deal with a situation like that where the Courts allow him to continue with his abuse and to destroy my daughter’s life now, too???

    • vevaida@yahoo.com'
      Zanet
      November 14, 2015

      I would like to get response to a similar situation when narc is seeking to control your life through child custody battle. He does not need children, barely was involved in their lives during marriage, but started pursuing them due to separation. What part in me do I need to heal in order for this to stop? Or let him have children and pray God to protect them when they are not with me? What is the right way of no contact in this case?

    • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
      Jean
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Gabrielle,

      I am sure Melanie can help you.

      Please open up to a new way.

      Melanies NARP community – we’ve all been there. The N will use your ‘weak spots’ – in this case – your children – to abuse you.

      I’ve been there.

      My ex didnt care that our daughter was raped – he allowed her to do whatever if it made me upset.

      He then called the police and had me arrested – when I emailed him that he was a pussy – for not going after her rapist. I was harrassing HIM.

      Do you get that?

      Anything he considers a weakness in you is used against you.

      Including loving and wanting to protect your kids. This is something important to you – disabled NARCS think this is the way of the world – use what is important to you to destroy you.

      They dont care about the kids.
      They need their energy supply. ( narcissistic supply).

      Do you get that?

      Nothing makes sense when dealing with a narc.

      Big HugsXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Gabriele,

      the truth is “coping” always means getting trauma and pain out of our own being and up-levelling to a different emotional reality.

      That is the bottom line.

      There is nothing practical I can tell you that amounts to the same truth.

      If you would like to start getting this level of relief, my strongest suggestion is to come into the Webinar Group to learn how to do it.

      Mel xo

  • writebooks7@gmail.com'
    Henri
    November 14, 2015

    Isn’t reading about all this information about healing, still keeping the narcissist in our thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Henri,

      Absolutely if we are focused on them, and staying mired in them.

      If we are talking about our own healing to liberate ourselves from this – then no.

      It’s all about raising consciousness, and the entire narcissistic trip of dire unconsciousness and where that leads to, and then what is necessary to recover (the breakdown / breakthrough) is a very powerful springboard for that.

      Mel xo

  • mpotsidi@phys.uoa.gr'
    marianna
    November 14, 2015

    Hi Melanie and thanks for all your posts.
    One question. How do I go no contact when my ex narc-partner is a coworker?

    • lawrence.reid08@gmail.com'
      Lawrence
      November 14, 2015

      This happened to me. Co working with a narc is a build up to disastrous breakdown for you. I wish I got a transfer or changed jobs in the first instance. I tried to stick it out at work and be strong through the trauma trying to work things out over and over with the narc andI needed to work to support my kids and I ended up I went totally crazy. I ended up too traumatised to work even I had kids to motivate me and got no support from anyone just called weak, pathetic and other names from family members. I’ve only recently picked myself up off the ground. And I moved house because couldnt pay rent. My son has to change schools. I have reoccuring thoughts ptsd all day everyday every 30 seconds, and I cant concentrate. Also my emotions intensified to an extremely intense level which is extremely challenging for me everyday. Everyone suffered including my kids from over a year of my unconscious presence when I was totally distracted and unavailable. If I were you I would look for a job now and hopefully you’ll find a better one. The sooner you get out the better. Also its a good idea in the meantime to tell a mutal person that you both trust at work so you feel more comfortable and safe.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2015

      Hi Marianna,

      if you truly can’t leave, then you grant no energy the N’s way, and work on every trigger (wound) within you that the N brings up.

      Then as you up-level you will detach more and more and more. This high level of development means that you remain detached prior, during and after your own uplevels.

      Then you will absolutely break clear – many people have had in your situation … and the N becomes totally irrelevant.

      Mel xo

      • lawrencereid@y7mail.com'
        Larry R
        November 14, 2015

        I agree. I know every situation is different. I also think its important to check how emotional the narc is. I was ignored and emotionally abused at work and I’m a very emotional person and the situation became too much for me too handle and I became disassociated and dangerous.

        • lawrencereid@y7mail.com'
          Larry R
          November 14, 2015

          In addition I cant work any more. At least not for a while. I got a nee casual job after not working for a while and I was confident but I didn’t even last the first day without breaking down several times. This is over a year after no contact with her. The emotional abuse that could have been avoided if I left earlier, if I knew at the time I would have went on unemployment benefits. Would have been much better that my current circumstances. And the terrible impact it had on my family and myself. I getting a bit better but still struggle big time to get through each day. Mel’s healing has given me a way to just survive. If I didn’t have kids there’s no way I would have made it. I wish I knew earlier and quit that day. Ps. I don’t think there could be such a thing as an ex narc. Must be still going through the cycle of on and off. Regardless of the time frames. Been there and its only headed for a build up to disaster. Unless of course you are past caring about the narc in which case you will be fine emotionally just make sure you are safe. My narc wasn’t safe from me after abusing and ignoring me and she knew it and left the country which was probably a good thing at the time.

  • Karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
    Kally
    November 14, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    Another helpful article, thank you. I have a question. Despite being no contact for a long time, I am still emotionally connected where I do have anxiety around what he is doing and how happy he is without me since the discard. But I don’t feel like this always. Why does this come and go? If I have cleared up wounds related to this but the feelings of less than, not good enough etc come back. I really want to feel no energy towards him at all. But if I am truthful, I don’t think I am close because I far too often think of him, sometimes in a good light and mostly of how he treated me so unkindly.
    Thanks. X

  • trafficjon400@gmail.com'
    john
    November 14, 2015

    i dont really have much chioce my town is full of narsissist or i am very sick or both? i want to move but very riskie. brattleboro the town of narsissisum. you think i’m crazy !!

  • dspeeky@xtra.co.nz'
    Debbie
    November 14, 2015

    I’ve been no contact for nearly 3 years with my mother my story so long go for the whole 56 years of my life my mother had blamed me for ruining her life as she had me at 16 I’ve always suffered her private abuse 3 yrs ago she said I was useless no good for anything no good for anyone etc etc I have always been the scapegoat my sister who’s like my mother is the golden child I’ve always been the one to do for my mother as she’s suffered depression since a child I’ve picked her up off the floor numerous times off to hospital hours on end sitting with her it’s awful she’s been so lucky to have someone that’s put up with her issues. She’s never in her life supported me in anything it’s always been my sister on how perfect she is. My sister and I always got on good my mother hated that we were friends she hated us being together so she destroyed that as well my sister joined in with my mothers lies trying to find anything to make me to look bad, couldn’t find anything so used my kids father to belittle me with. I have two new daughter in laws and they just think she’s the cats pyjamas how sweet she is ooh. My mother was still hitting me at 56 controlling me. Hated that I have some awesome friends she has none she’s kicked everyone out of her life including her own sister and nieces. After 20 years I’ve made contact with my aunt and cousins it’s great, I can have who I want in my life without critisisum of my self I’m no longer been hit I’m no longer feeling controlled, emotionally abused, and you know what it feels fantastic I didn’t realise how free I am from all the abuse, made up stories, I tell no one nothing so nothing can ever be passed on to feed her supply I fiqured out if you supply them they feed on it. I’ve been angry upset very hurt but now I just go for a walk I wouldn’t give her or my sister or the other flying monkeys the satisfaction. It’s still taking a long time to get over the abuse all sorts pop into my head right from a child but I have to just keep saying I’m free now

  • lottehendriks1967@gmail.com'
    Lotte Hendriks
    November 15, 2015

    Hi Patricia, I just read this piece after achieving physical NC for more than two years. Emotional NC came after, when I fell in love with someone else. Problem was, I hadn’t had any sexual feelings for ten years after my psychonarc divorce. The relationship didn’t work out, but this sexual tie was the only thing I needed to let go by then. Now I’m clean for life, I have no feelings for my ex at all anymore and I’m free!!! Except I have a child with him, she is actually LIVING with him. I only contact him through my lawyer as he has no way to get at me except dragging me to court about custody. I haven’t seen my daughter (soon to be 11) for more than two years either. By this point he has brainwashed her so completely that she doesn’t want to see me at all. Even that, I let go. It was hard. but I’m whole now an changed for life. Being and keeping NC has saved my life. I’m blooming again, I’m even writing a Phd about narissism as a forensic phenomenon. I have a life! New thoughts, new friends new clothes a new direction. In weak moments I no longer want him to rescue me, as I did before. I have no illusions concerning his character, he’s a bad person and does bad things and will always be doing them, the moment I let him. But I won’t. Not after all this craving and going back and breaking up again, it took me years to get rid of him in MY MIND. I had to get him out of my system, bit by bit, step by step. Right now I’m at the poit that I can help others not having to go through this all by themselves, like I did ten years ago. I have a site in the Netherlands which is also a foundation, I started in february and by now I have 1200 members. Some very angry ones, too. We want ACTION and CHANGE. We want to make our voice heard. We want everybody to know about narcissism/psychopathy and what it does to people. Police, Child Protection, Social workers, Mental Health, lawyers and so on, they should be schooled about it. Narcissism is WRONG. They are not pityful patients, they are monsters in disguise. I will nevr ever let a narcopath get near me. A lesson I learned for life. Bad people exist, it can be your neighbour who is abusing his kids, not a complete stranger you see on television, but it can be happening right next to you from the person whom you least suspect is capable of doing any of this. This should be rooted out of society. I’m doing my best.

    • nanckitty@yahoo.com'
      Nancy
      November 15, 2015

      Hi, Lotte.

      Melanie’s site has a different focus from what you are committed to doing, as I understand it. Bottom line, she is into healing inner wounds totally, so the narcissist becomes irrelevant. According to what I am reading here, healing inner wounds so radically changes the energy level of one’s body and energy field that the narcissist becomes neutralized, even in such situations as court battles. The healed state of consciousness operates in two ways to do this, as I am coming to understand it. First, there is no longer any source of narcissistic supply in this for the narcissist when there are no inner wounds to trigger. Equally importantly, the world is affected entirely differently by the upleveled consciousness of a no-longer-wounded individual. This work is transforming society indirectly through healing.

      For the work you are committed to doing from the different perspective of education and direct social change, you might want to check out Donna Andersen’s web site, and even contact Donna, since I believe she might wish to support you in this work. http://www.lovefraud.com/

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 18, 2015

        Hi Nancy,

        Correct that I don’t subscribe to Lotte’s orientation.

        Your observations are very, very true – in that wherever focus and e-motion goes, that energy creates.

        We may think we are saying “no” to something by being an advocate against it – but in fact we are feeding it the very energy it needs to exist and push back into our experience as even more real.

        The focus and anger is saying “yes” to it.

        No reforms are ever going to happen by singing out “narcissism” or thinking knowledge about it is power or exposing it will contain, control or stop it.

        The only thing that is ever going to eliminate narcissism personally and collectively is one person at a time evolving themselves from fear, pain and judgement to love, consciousness and wholeness.

        Because no abuse / abused is present in that space. It is NOT a reality.

        Hurt people hurt people including themselves.

        Whole people don’t hurt themselves or others.

        Mel xo

    • lawrence.reid08@gmail.com'
      Lawrence
      November 15, 2015

      Hi there Patricia. I couldnt help but to comment on your post. I empathise with you but I want to explain why the sexual tie helped you get over your narc. Its because women in general sepecially underdeveloped women associate love with sex. You can research it and you will find its very common. They need validation and dont use time and effort to build the relationship and just use sex as a love connection. Men are opp to women. Men dont respect women that sleep with them quickly, they will never trust them or respect them, but men will take the action, and when they distance themselves to get away the co dependency and insecurities and abandonment issues come out in the woman. Still I wouldnt recommend yhis cycle. Anyway just a suggestion on why that romantic relationship didnt last. Hope that helps. Take care.

      • lawrence.reid08@gmail.com'
        Lawrence
        November 15, 2015

        Previous post was directed at Lotte. 🙂

  • grazmas@gmail.com'
    Grace
    November 17, 2015

    Hi Melanie!
    Thanks for another great article. What you’ve written here rings so true. I knew a narcissist once, about four years ago. He was my spiritual mentor and he had changed my life in such a profound way, I didn’t think I’d ever get over the hurt and pain. I felt craaaaazy. I won’t get into any details because I’m sure what I’d say has all been written before. One day, when the Universe saw I couldn’t stick with the no contact rule, because I had taken steps to cut him out of my life but didn’t know how to *really* let him go, I experienced a panic attack and for about a year after that, I endured high level anxiety. I blamed him for all of that. And yet, in that instance, in that harsh moment, when I didn’t know what was happening to me, I felt that any ties I may have had to him, were dismantled and broken. Just like that. Of course, as I said, it felt harsh, but that’s where the healing began for me…through the anxiety. I just stopped thinking about him. It’s as if someone came along and picked him from my mind. It’s like a spell had been broken. His ‘weight’ was gone. And yes, he did contact me a couple of times after that, but he got no response from me and then I ran into him on the street one day and I saw that I felt ‘nothing’. Absolutely nothing. I could ‘see’ him for who he was and I understood why we met and the purpose he served in my life. He contacted me the next day – which I knew intuitively he would do – and I ignored that message, too. Though the journey was long and arduous, I overcame and I experienced a sense of freedom I had never tasted before. I’m grateful for that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2015

      Hi Grace,

      you are so welcome.

      The bottom line is this – the pain is teaching us something – it is evolving us beyond who we were being, into who we can become.

      You were “with” the pain enough for it to transform you.

      That is so much better then continuing to self-avoid and not being with it. And trying ti grab false substitutes to take it away, which ultimately always leads to the same patterns and calamities that our unhealed wounds are generating.

      Fortunately now, because of tools such as Quanta Freedom Healing, there is a way to directly go to the pain inside, target it and midwife its shift purposefully to a more evolved state

      It makes the process of breakdown / breakthrough so much easier and nowhere near as agonizing or as long.

      Thank you for your share.

      Mel xo

  • Nikihause@gmail.com'
    Lola
    November 18, 2015

    Melanie, I just wanted to say thank you. You have explained what is going on with me which I could not understand for years…why I was constantly addicted to countless different men since the time I was a child. I never had a understanding of how and why I could be so love addicted.
    I purchased your NARC program and I am soooooo grateful that you made it affordable to pay in monthly payments…it is by far the best $200.00 I’ve ever spent….even after many years of therapy, this program has done more for changing my inner world in one month then all those years of talking nonsense ..and having to pay someone to listen.
    Now I know when I get a craving for love from anybody or anything outside of myself, it is because some part of me inside is crying for attention, I now turn the attention inwards in such moments and it almost always ends up in tears of release.
    Thank you thank you thank you, for finding your life purpose. May I one day be able to help others like you have…in such a profound way.
    To anybody who is thinking about the Narc program, don’t delay. finally my childhood abuse is healing. Yeah, I walk around crying at nothing, I’m like a raw open wound, but now I know how to nurture myself.
    Thank you so much Melanie.

  • Nikihause@gmail.com'
    Lola
    November 18, 2015

    Melanie, I just wanted to say thank you. You have explained what is going on with me which I could not understand for years…why I was constantly addicted to countless different men since the time I was a child. I never had a understanding of how and why I could be so love addicted.
    I purchased your NARC program and I am soooooo grateful that you made it affordable to pay in monthly payments…it is by far the best $200.00 I’ve ever spent….even after many years of therapy, this program has done more for changing my inner world in one month then all those years of talking nonsense ..and having to pay someone to listen.
    Now I know when I get a craving for love from anybody or anything outside of myself, it is because some part of me inside is crying for attention, I now turn the attention inwards in such moments and it almost always ends up in tears of release.
    Thank you thank you thank you, for finding your life purpose. May I one day be able to help others like you have…in such a profound way.
    To anybody who is thinking about the Narc program, don’t delay. finally my childhood abuse is healing.
    Thank you so much Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2015

      Hi Lola,

      I am so so pleased you have found your key.

      It is so true that unless we find and up-level “why” we are handing power over, we are stuck in the pain and fear and helpless behaviors, often no matter how much talk therapy we do.

      Talk therapy is usually nowhere near enough for significant traumas that led us to the further cumulative trauma of narcissistic abuse.

      I had wracked up three credit cards and thousands of dollars trying to get well after N-abuse to no avail with contemporary therapy – decades of it really had taken place … until I found the direct route to work directly on subconscious programs

      And like you, and so many others, the results started happening very quickly. I am just so pleased I was able to save my own life and now can show others how to be liberated from trauma also.

      Bless you dear lady and keep up the wonderful work of profoundly healing you.

      Mel xo

  • wp4hnf@hotmail.com'
    David
    November 25, 2015

    Excellent advice! I need to apply this right now in my life more than ever to move forward. I hope others can use this useful info to save their spirits from further abuse.

  • stephanie@stephanie-coffey.com'
    Samantha
    January 11, 2016

    Hi Melanie, If the narc is someone in your married into family. And most of the drama has ceased to exist for at least 6 months. But you were reminded of the drama recently and just “woke up” now. Does it make sense to just start going no contact out of the blue, so to speak. I’ve been dealing with what I believe to be a narcissist in my partner’s family and I definitely suffered a lot of abuse that I felt very angered by. The problem is that I didn’t really realize how severe this was until 6 months after the most recent altercation. An altercation that I “fixed.” I kept calling meetings to try and solve the problems and get accountability. I felt like I did at the time but I just kept feeling angry and frustrated and realized I think it’s because I never really did get what I wanted and the person just get repeating the same terrible behaviour showing me that things weren’t going to change. Now things are relatively calm and I feel nervous just deciding to go not contact suddenly. Your website makes total sense to me and I know I have to uplevel and that I’m responsible but I feel like I keep thinking “is it too much to just cast this person so late after everything that went down?” Please let me know if you have any insight on this.

  • Anomalyspect@gmail.com'
    Anny
    January 13, 2016

    I know this is almost the same post I left on another page, but the more and more I thought about it there was soo much more I fleshed out…

    I feel as though his # 1 priority is to look like the victim and not discuss like rational adults. All 5 if his last gf’s including me of course are all fucked up, including the according to him short lived one after me. He can seem so sweet and plausible but when it all adds up, well, it never does a drives me nuts, though I’m beginning to not care. It’s finding my new direction that is hard…

    I’m still struggling inside wether or not my ex is a narcissist.

    He broke up with me via text and before hand he would do a Jekyl and Hyde like call pattern. He’d call me saying he just wanted to hear my voice and three days later go off on me…this was the pattern. I would have delt with it differently but having him talk about what underlying issues connected to events, beyond vague statements is like pulling teeth. We were long distance half our relationship. One particular conversation was after he had called “just to hear my voice…” In between last talking to him my grandfather passed and I was there with him and I believe helped him pass, so I texted my boyfriend of 10 years at the time to say I ha something important to tell him. He called the next day and started yelling at me. I told him wait, wait, I texted that to tell you grandpa passed away..and before I could finish he told me I used that to cut him off and hung up on me. I texted him,”you know you just told me I used a family members death to cut me off…”

    He could never have a normal conversation with me it was either passivity or a big blow out. Now let me state last I had seen him at that point was 6 months prior which when I left I told him I didn’t want to leave him an was crying..he told me not to cry because he would be down in two weeks. A month later right after Valentines Day I was soo depressed with all that had been going on, battling legally my management to get rid of bedbugs that spread from another’s apartment, not sleeping because of it, my Dad almost dying ending up in the hospital for a month then my grandfather I didn’t have the strength to argue or question his Jekyl and Hyde…and I had been waiting soo long for him to show. VDay comes and he video chats me showing me all the cool stuff he’d been doing in his shop (this was after my grandfather passing, no apologies and I wrote off him being like this because he’s gettin off one of his mental meds)…I was tired at that point and didn’t even realize it was VDay until he asked if he could get right back to me and I saw the date on my phone. I called back later saying happy valentines and he read me an anti-VDay poem, saying how it was corporate and stupid. All this time he’s showing off what he’s doing (he’s well off, excuse after excuse why he couldn’t come down yet, when I’ve taken greyhounds and planes to see him but he refuses to and always must drive) I told him after that poem I didn’t want to speak..he asked what’s the matter which I thought would just lead to another fight, and I never understood why he seemed soo okay without me. I texted him I don’t want to speak and he texted me back,”I never want to speak to you again.” And that was it…

    I thought our breakup was all my fault. After that year I took to drinking wine every night….I know that was wrong and since have stopped.

    He gets ahold of me almost a year to the day of the breakup and tells me,”You hurt me more than words can say but I’m still in love with you but, you knew that.” and my heart skipped, almost exploded and on for 3 weeks of jokes, him being cute, sending me pics of his life, I love you, I’ll always be in love with you, I miss you on Christmas until New Years I sent him pics of a special place we went to holding hands at night where you could see all the city. He wrote back,”Love the pics ;-)”….then silence for 2 weeks. Also may I add I was talking with a friend who is once removed from him. An old best friend that has taken his side in things. She told me two weeks after the final text that he’s move on and has a gf. I freaked out and texted him,”I’m sick of your lies and lies by omission.” THAT is when he finally replied saying,”FUCK YOU for using semantics!! All I meant is in happy you’ve moved on because I have! And yes I’m dating a friend she’s quite nice. That I carpet bombed him with messages and that it’s NEVER going to happen!!!!”

    I went into a deep deep depression after that and was sent by my psychologist a month later to a crisis center. I decided to try calling him one more time because the cognitive dissonance in my head was really messing with me. He answered and hung up then started video chatting me. I asked him why he was video chatting me now and he said because he was worried about me….
    Things advanced and he told me he was no longer dating the girl because,”she used me, she was younger.” Which I think was a dig but he also told me how he always thought we’d end up like two of his friends that dated once and found eachother 10 years later.
    He told me he was paranoid I might be using him a few weeks later.

    I asked him later about saying he was still in love with me and he told me,”I must have meant it then.”…….

    He told me how I have cycles, which I took to heart and admitted I did…and then told me,”you can only keep promises others let you keep.” This he told me right after I got into the crisis center….

    Later told me,”he knows he did some stuff wrong but he’s not the kind of person to punch walls.”

    After years of long distance I did admit making out with a few friends when drunk but walking away from it. I felt terrible about it and this was when he said everyone was telling him I fucked around on him. I felt terrible about it but has written it off as me walking away and nothing close to sex. That was for me and him…. and this probably is justification but I was angry. Never knowing when he’d call me back, when I’d see him next…..ect….for years of him promising it would be him and I, sleeping with my phone hoping he’d call and it being dead in the morning. He got really upset and yelled,”I could never do that to you! How would you feel?” and at that point I got upset. Years waiting, 10 year relationship, the longest he dissapeared no notice was 3 months, after lying to me and this after he said he was coming back for me. After 3 months and he popped back up I went right back to him….because of what he’d been through but we never talked indepth.

    He ended up at the end of us talking after that year, yelling at me saying he was a beaten dog, I brainwashed him, the entire 10 years was shit!!!

    During the last time we spoke all he talked about was his new life, his new friends, and would often cut out my opinion by trumping mine with the thoughts of one of his new friends. When I finally asked him why he didn’t tell me about the gf he said to me,”You can’t even ask me how my day is going, and you don’t let me speak!!!” Which I told him if he had anything he wanted to talk about I would always set the time aside for him the other times he interrupted me trying to actually get to our issues and I’d never get to my point which when I protested he would tell me I didn’t let HIM talk when he had no interest in what I had to say, woukd jump to conclusions before I could conclude. So this time asking why he didn’t tell me about the gf and just disappeared and replied how he did I said,”Okay, maybe what I’m feeling is from you, it’s all about you now then. I’m here to listen.” An entire month goes by and he gets weirder and weirder….after him saying he was coming down to see me, not once but twice, once before a wedding he was conducting and once after near my birthday. Of course right before that was supposed to happen he texts me,” This was an exceptionally bad idea, I’m done!! I’m off to marry Ben and Alesha!!” Ruined my birthday…and on my birthday when I finally texted him he just texted “Merry Birthday ;-).” And starts telling me how he got texts all day because it was actually his other friends birthday too….

    This and soo many other things….hitting in me continually and I hate to say this here but he would say,”stuff only your vagina knows…” Other stuff….and when phone sex actually happened after a few days of hitting on me he starts giving me a lecture on empathy!!!

    And like I said, my heart broke even more…screaming at me at the end I’m the reason he felt so badly about himself, all that time and only now is he getting over it!! The 10 years was shiit!!!!

    It’s hard to reconcile this person with the person I was in love with and to think he orchestrated all of this…..Did he know??!! This is what he believes….after soo much time invested.

    When I first met him he was there for everything and I was my best friend. He seemed to understand me, taught me to ride a motorcycle, we had such a connection I thought. But I noticed it was never equal. He ran home to his parents for anything serious…would tell me he was okay and then later say how I wasn’t there for him when that’s all I wanted.

    One last thing he said to me after videochat ring me for 6 months until he bailed again,”You’re the only one I can really talk to…who understands me but..I finally realized I’m smarter than most people.”

    Someone please tell me if this is narcissism. He’s always doing things for people, even after our relationship was over but we were trying or I was….I feel like he just came back to rub his new life in my face and tell me how horrible I am. Even after he told me he’d do anything for me….he dropped me again with no deep conversation ever happening. I said how I was scared to get my heart broken again…and he screamed at me,”your heart!! You broke my fucking heart!!” Nothing I said was listened to, no questions answered….and I gave him a full month without him having to answer the question about why he didn’t tell me about the gf…..because he said I don’t let him talk…No depth, mixed messages, more than I can type here. Everything he promised we’d do together he’s doing with his new group. I waited years for him and this “us” to happen and feel horribly cheated..but I thought maybe he was just from a different world. I looked up to him, loved him and well, feel like I lost a lot of time.

    He told me he bullied a girl who came into a cafe him and his friends were at. She was trying to barter jewlery she made. He got up and told her that he would barter if she could do something useful!! Can you do dry wall, plumbing? Anything useful?!! After teeming her out he got his friends to laugh at her.

    He also told me quite aggresively how he had a dream of a girl running towards him and other friends that were armed like they where on the front lines and she had a six shooter at her side. He said quite aggressively,”I didn’t even hesitate to shoot her in the fucking heart!!!! And as she fell he caught her and said “I love you..” While all her blood went into his circulatory system. So I said to him after a lengthy psycho-analysis, told him he has a really good part to him but he has a side that’s quite vengeful. He admitted and said,”yes..” I then admitted that sometimes I felt like that girl and he curtly replied,”The girl wasn’t you.” And then proceeded to tell me how his other new friend had a better interpretation of “new beginnings..”

    When we lived together for a short while I came to him because he was acting very off and distant. I was worried about him. We were in bed and I got up for some water from the kitchen. When I came back he was lying down and I started to say out of concern,”Where’s your passion in life? You’ve seemed so distant. What’s wrong?” But instead I got to the word passion and before I knew it I was on the floor in front of the fridge and he was saying,”I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!! I thought you were talking about sex!!!” The next day he revised it and said,”No you got in my way!” To cover up that he had shoved me. I let it pass because he was going through psych issues then….

    He screams at me what I feel, like he insisted I was jealous. I never was and in fact at the beginning of our relationship he would take trips out of town with a friend. Several trips go by and I just want to know how my baby is doing. I had to stay home for mundane reasons and wanted to live the adventure second hand. I noticed a pattern and though we went over in the beginning that I have a lot of guy friends and he had a lot of girls as friends I noticed he would leave town to socialize and never really get in depth on the fun they were having and would always rattle through people they met leaving out girls names. Which was odd. This was at the beginning first year and a half or so of he relationship. I brought it up to him, why he never mentioned female names? He began to tell me he was sorry and that all of his ex’s were jealous and he just learned to cut girl names out. I assured him he didn’t have to do that with me! I just wanted to share all of life with him and the adventure!! He agreed and I was relieved. Even though he still never hung out with his female friends when we dated which I thought odd after the preliminary conversation and the follow up. Fast forward 10 years and on the phone he’s screaming I’m jealous and it took me over and over saying I wasn’t jealous!! I finally brought up that keystone moment of that conversation on the porch about not having to hide from me, I just wanted to share a life with him! And though he acted sweetly then and agreed he now tells me that,”NO you were JEALOUS and I had already given up talking to you by that point!! I just blamed it on the ex’s!!!!! Again another tirade of how jealous I am and I FINALLY got pissed!! If there is one thing I’m not, it’s that and he heard it in my voice, only hen did he back down and say,”well, maybe you just felt left out..” -BINGO-!!!! Now THAT -is- TRUTH-!! And he would continually leave me out on info, ect ect ect….
    It’s like he yells at me who I am and I have to fight against it!!! That conversation was a defining moment for me!! Or else I would have left the relationship.if I can’t have a best friend I can share all with, it’s not worth it and he acted like he absorbed it and agreed, only for me 10 years later hear accusations and that he twisted my words and withheld his motivations from me, or twisted them for his current use!!!

    He was generous towards me, gifts, trips, but always in control. A fight might happen then he’d run, buy me a kitten, whatever. I didn’t care about that though…I felt kept out and put aside. Is this narcissism??

  • Anomalyspect@gmail.com'
    Anny
    January 13, 2016

    This makes soo much sense to me!! Thank you. So often I’ve heard people flatly state it’s an addiction but never have I heard it in quite so beautiful terms.

    I’m not quite sure how to “do me” fully now. It feels strange I don’t have that figure in my life I so looked on to and at times up to but I really looked at him as my salve and never could see it was laced with so many other underlying things. The twisting and dishonesty where one. I just a few days ago as I’ve just been sleeping and keeping away from the world. Slowly getting rid of toxic people who follow eye opening patterns, I just gave up. I am on quite a few meds now but my nightmares from a ptsd med have actually gone away. I don’t want to be on them forever….but it started with my head first. I don’t have the confidence I once had even remotely…so much is different, and though I once had a young soul and loved trying everything I find myself hermiting and not talking to anyone. This scares me…but I’m very afraid of panic attacks. I’m no longer me. Several friends have commented on that. I really want me back, but a better version, a 2.0. Thanks again. I was lookin for validation that he was a narcissist….though I do want that this blog has given me validation and explaination, in depth, I didn’t realize I so needed.
    What next? I don’t know….I’m still in bed and I don’t really want to move. I’m scared…and wish I was who I used to be but I hope this leads I something better….what to do now…..? Thank You so much!

  • Anomalyspect@gmail.com'
    Anny
    January 14, 2016

    Two other things I wanted to mention. The final and last time he got ahold if me he acted as if he was confiding in me telling me he just recently remembered “S” his ex 3 times before me had commited suicide. I responded with that’s terrible….he replied he had wondered why he had talked to her mother for 6 months after. He then got really cold and mean, this on video chat and said,”now you know why I ::feel:: the way I do about suicide.*” and he just stared angrily at me. I felt triangulated with a dead girl, who I felt for because I too have felt suicidal but he seemed to be using this as a dagger, as a weapon as to why my feelings had been wrong. I hate to say it because it should never go that far but I found myself reacting suicidalky towards things he would do and obviously didn’t care about. This was also the ex and the cover story in his mind was and what he told me,”She didn’t understand me for MY psych issues, so she left me..” The two other girlfriends he named psycho and pathetic. When he first told me all if this I looked at him and said,”Do you have one nice thing to say about any of them???” He looked shocked when I said it and to me it felt wrong, these people you incedences lived all of THEN where deficient. He told me,”Well, I was standing at “S’s” door and she was changing cd’s and how she looked so beautiful in the light…” This response creeped me the F out. Like someone, a stalker or nightmare just waiting right outside your window. It said nothing about her or any if them as a person……
    I somewhat broke up with him at some point but got right back with him….
    Alarms went off but where soothed…or I blinded myself?

    Another weird one was how he bragged about running drugs for the Hells Angels when he was young (so at that point maybe 19-20?) and looked at me and said ,”I dealt drugs but I never DiD them…” In almost a haughty tone. This was when he lived out of state I believe for school. The thing was was I had a year and a half on hard drugs and was recently clean. I just looked at him like,”and your saying this to me, like that?” All I coukd say was,”you probably hurt slit if people,”and walked off…. I had told him what I had seen and gone through, I opened up to him about it….and then he says that? This was 11-12 years ago…at the very beginning of our relationship.

    One really weird thing that sticks out in my head though is when he told me some guys broke into his house and raped and murdered his “sort of” girlfriend right in front of him and held him back.

    I never questioned further, that’s so horrific but now I wonder, didn’t the police investigate him as a suspect? What happened then? Was this due to his dealings?? Did this even freaking happen?? Soo much left out….and soo many more stories that don’t make sense and also how almost if his girlfriends or “sort ofs” line up. As if a weird conga line if what and when.

    His fam always seems fine but he lived with also well off international friends and told me he was only. “Fucking” the sister….one if our very last conversations about how he puts down everyone he’s dated he said he didn’t her, calling her a gf…..which since the beginning he always said was just a hookup.

    With his distance emotionally and pieces not fitting AND more……I’m really beginning to wonder if he was ever really FULLY honest with me…..

  • kswarden@gmail.com'
    KD
    March 12, 2016

    What are the exact steps to follow if you want to do a version of no contact and slowly come back to life/financial and emotional independence while still living with the narcissist? Specifically how to do it/what it would look like and be like?
    I read in an email of yours that it is completely possible, and I like your approach and open mindedness best, but I cant find any articles or advice online on yours or any sites about NPD/abuse..
    thanks!

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine, British Isles
    March 22, 2016

    Hi Mel, I have gone No Contact with a Narc for a few years now but even through those years there were a couple of situations where I was speaking to the Narc who had got hold of my husband’s phone and I was living in another town/city away from my husband, we were living apart. The Narc was verbally abusing me and calling me swear word derogatory names and shouting at me down the phone, plus, also insulting me and doing put downs and trying to make me feel bad about myself. There were some people who were my ear – witnesses who heard it all because I had my phone on loudspeaker, after all these incidents I was so traumatized and unable to look after or take care of myself. My people – my witnesses helped me for me to help myself and to look after and take care of myself mentally and emotionally. I was extremely livid with and scared to death, terrified, petrified of this certain Narc. On the 1st June 2015 last year I came back to live with my husband and I’ve been living with him ever since. My husband’s daughter called Marie who is my step daughter is the certain main Narc in my life. Last week she came round to mine and my husband’s house and she took him out for awhile in her car and me and her both didn’t see or speak to each other and then she came around today too and she and my husband – her dad spent ages and ages talking outside out of the house and again me and her didn’t see or speak to each other again. I think that she might be running quite low on narcissistic supply and that she is planning on hoovering me up. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was inside the house or out somewhere on that day last week and also on today too and maybe the reasons for why she spent so long in talking to my husband right outside the front door was probably to see if I would make an appearance either at the front door or me coming around the corner towards the house and for her to see if she could catch me whether if I was indoors or if I was walking around the corner coming home from somewhere and another reason is is because I’m against her and my husband having any direct contact or any indirect contact with each other because I don’t want her coming up to the house here because I live here and I might physically be present here so I’m trying my very best to keep myself physically away from her as much as possible and also trying my very best to keep her physically away from me as much as possible. So she is testing the waters – testing me, pushing the boundaries, stepping out of line, pushing my buttons until I eventually snap and have an emotional outburst. I’m trying to heal all of my inner emotional, mental and psychological wounds that she has caused but these wounds won’t be completely or totally healed if she keeps on coming up here and her physical presence and the sound of her voice is poisoning me – and I’m trying to heal my wounds of the poison which is her which is making me so sick. So in all of these ways she is still abusing me. Marie means nothing to me, she is nothing to me. If she tries to hoover me then I’ll reject her and go no contact forever, for all of eternity irreversibly, permanently!!.

  • christinemaryrussett37@gmail.com'
    Christine, British Isles
    March 22, 2016

    I would also like to say some other things, why is Marie not narcissistic towards my husband – her dad, her own natural, biological mother, the rest of her family and her friends, but, she’s narcissistic towards me?. It’s because maybe my husband might be a narcissist enabler and maybe her family are too or maybe they are narcissists too like she is and also because she’s most definitely extremely jealous and envious of me, she views me as competition and she’s in competition with me and she’s very, very insecure and she knows that she’s very, very insecure and she knows that she’s not perfect at all. She thinks and she knows that I think and I know that she’s very, very insecure and that she’s not perfect at all. As I’m secure and I think and I know that I am and she thinks and she knows that I’m secure and she thinks that I’m perfect she wants to be like me, she wants to be me, with me being secure and her being insecure and she thinking that I’m perfect that’s one of the reasons why she’s so so jealous and envious of me. She does oneupmanship on me with everything because she wants to be me and she wants to live and to have my life because her own life is miserable and boring, etc…, and so she views me as competition and she’s in competition with me because she’s jealous and envious of my life and of my existence and she’s coveting my life and my existence and my personality, the traits of my personality, etc…, everything about me, the list goes on….

  • cooperja@nku.edu'
    Jackie
    May 24, 2016

    Hi,

    I have been in an on again/off again relationship for over a year with a man. When I got with him, I had just come out of a four year relationship with a man I believe is a narcissist. Needless to say, I was still dealing with many emotional traumas and I was looking for someone to keep me from running back.

    The man I met drank daily and from the get go would routinely show up hours late, come for dinner and then say he had to leave for a few minutes and would be right back only to return hours later. I would express my unhappiness with this and he would just tell me to chill out. Eventually, several months into the relationship, I found out he was still communicating with his ex girlfriend. He denied that they were still sexual claiming “she was fat” but shortly after we split he was back with her. My heart was broken. He was so callous about it. Just saying, “It is what it is. You’ll be okay.” I maintained my integrity and mourned in silence. Evidently she had stole his phone, so he got a new number which helped me to not reach out, but one night after having drinks and feeling quite low, I went to his house. We had sex and continued to do so on and off for months. Then in December, we got back together. He claimed he loved me. It was great for about a month then all the same behaviors ie; avoiding, lack of empathy, and me giving all and him giving crumbs began again. People said he was still seeing her which he vehemently denied. I was losing my mind over all this. We split again. Then starting just hooking up in moments of weakness. His callousness became more frequent. This brings me to now. Just this past weekend, I was out a bar we both frequent. He was not there. I texted him and asked where he was. He showed up five minutes later. I played aloof because he was always pushing me away. I turn around and he was gone. I went to his house, usually he would leave the door open but it was locked. I knocked and knocked and he finally came to the door. As soon as he let me in, he kept telling me to leave. And then he said, “why do you even come here?” It really hurt me and I hit him. This is something I have never done since my first boyfriend at 17 years old and then it was only like one time. I am forty-two and have had several long term relationships, albeit with either alcoholics or personality disordered people. I am 5’2 and a 120 pounds. I did not hurt him, but he said he was going to call the cops. I went to leave and the cops did come. They were nice and told me not to go back around him tonight. I was so hurt and humiliated. When I am hurt he either acts indifferent or taunts me. I texted him that I hated him. He said to leave him alone and he would call the cops if I contacted him again. My phone accidentally pocket dialed him yesterday and I immediately hung up, but I am afraid if he sees a missed call he may call the cops.

    I am a single mother to a nine year old who I love with all my heart. I have always realized I was codependent, but now I am thinking am I borderline? I can’t believe I have let my behavior get out of control to the point I punched someone. I really feel like last weekend was the eye-opener I needed. I just don’t want him to do something to hurt me. Now I am being obsessive over that. I know I have a lot of pain inside of me. I give to people and feel like they never truly love me back to the same degree. Even though their behavior can be horrific, I start taking all the blame and feeling like I cause everything. I am tired of this sick cycle. I have calm and healthy relationships with co-workers, friends and family, but I seem to constantly have pain filled relationships with men, and yet I crave a good romantic relationship. Please help me to figure out the first steps I need to do to overcome this vicious pattern I have established. I went to Al-Anon years ago and it help, but I feel like I need something else. My life is passing by and I am not happy or comfortable in my own skin. Please help!

    Thanks,

    Jackie

  • Jr7927@sbcglobal.net'
    Annmarie fetter
    July 18, 2016

    37 days ago I broke up for the final time in 2.5 years with my narc bf. “55” times I broke it off because of his ways. Now it’s his birthday this Thursday July 21st. He went ghost on me when I dumped him this last time, he never did b4 which leads me to believe he had a new supply already. I still love him after all the emotional damage and physical abuse, do I wish him happy birthday even though he moved on and he blocked me? Please I need advice.

  • coconut.and.cardamom@gmail.com'
    Nadja
    August 14, 2016

    My deepest respect and compassion go to all those who need to co-parent with a NPD parent and heal at the same time. I have tried for 10 years. Thank you, Melanie. Everything you are saying resonates with me. In fact, almost everything you write about can be applied to my situation. I would love to bring this program to my own country.

  • Irenesang@aol.com'
    Irene
    September 6, 2016

    Hello Melanie,

    I am working on NC, but have legal issues to take care of with my ex husband for the next few months, including selling our former house. He does try to hook me with “thoughtful” emails but I don’t respond. He has a new girlfriend, and I am sick to know that he is repeating he pattern of lies on her (she is someone I knowI like). They are trying to keep the relationship as secret, but I have known about for months. My question is how do I maintain NC when all three of us belong to and have deep commitment to the same religious community? My close friends there and the clergy know the truth (pathological liar and munschausen’s syndrome) and I am unwilling to leave this support community of mine (they have been amazingly helpful) but I’m not sure what to do when all three of us will be there together. Thanks for your suggestions.

  • lottehendriks1967@gmail.com'
    Lotte Hendriks
    January 16, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I just want to let you know I have shared and still do this piece and the one you did about hoovering countless times. I run two large facebook groups about narcissistic abuse and this question keeps popping up, especially with new peolple. So your word is being spread here in the Netherlnds, too. I know what you mean about the difference between physical NC and emotional NC. With me, after a separation of 12 years I am beginning to realize how much I have internalized the abuse. I have been continuing in his mindset and was basically doing to myself what he did to me before our separation. Physical NC did wonders for me, even though I didn’t see my own child, but now I am in a new relatonship and things keep coming to me that unconciously I was doing to myself. Especially when it concerns sex, I stillhave issues. My body just refuses to function. I asked around in my own group and I was defeinitvely not the only one. Yet it is never mentioned in the thousands of articles and video’s I have read and watched. The relationship is still only beginning, so I am hoping this is just a matter of trust. That, mostly is what my ex left me with, huge trust issues. I am in no way interested in him anymore, still i cannot have intercourse with my incredibly attractive new partner, with whom I would like to do it anywhere and any time, but my body just says NO. I am absoluely sure he is not narcissistic and would never harm me, still, I cannot give myself this way. I would like to know your thoughts about it, it is defenitively not uncommon. Men can have the same problem, not getting an erection or not being able to sustain one. I would really like to to have this discussed by experts like you. I am just dead inside when it comes to sex in a relationship. Funny thing is, I have no such problems with one night stands or more impersonal sexual contact, so physically nothing is wrong. But with this one, who loves me to death, I cannot function. How???

    Best, Lotte

  • francodepenaarteaga@gmail.com'
    Francis
    August 7, 2017

    Melanie, I would adore to have the chance to talk to you and exchange a couple of experiences.

    I have been in both sides of the process.
    A couple of years ago, I was abused by my ex girlfriend i a way you describe narcissistic abuse. Most recently I have had episodes in two big crisis with my wife, where I feel I have behaved as an abuser. I feel a bit of shame about it, I think we entered a pattern of behavior that we cannot control. I feel exhausted and without tools to work on it. Can we have a sessions by skype or something like that?

    Yours

  • francodedepena@gmail.com'
    Francis
    August 7, 2017

    Melanie, I would adore to have the chance to talk to you and exchange a couple of experiences.

    I have been in both sides of the process.
    A couple of years ago, I was abused by my ex girlfriend i a way you describe narcissistic abuse. Most recently I have had episodes in two big crisis with my wife, where I feel I have behaved as an abuser. I feel a bit of shame about it, I think we entered a pattern of behavior that we cannot control. I feel exhausted and without tools to work on it. Can we have a sessions by skype or something like that? I feel I need help.

    Yours

  • kylahfloen@me.com'
    kk cupcake
    February 26, 2018

    Hey.

    I have recently gone no contact with my ex narc. This is a person much older than myself (I’m 25 he is 42) and he works in the music industry in my city which I am actively involved in.
    I knew that I would be running into him regularly seeing as he is typically at a lot of the same
    shows I enjoy going to, so I took the time to prepare myself for running into him.
    This weekend was the first time that I encountered him since going no contact and telling him to not
    approach me if we did cross paths. While he did leave me alone and did not try to talk to me…. he picked
    a spot in the venue where he had a clear line of sight of me and he stared at me the whole night.. BLATANTLY stared. I was shocked that none of his coworkers or friends pointed it out because to me it was very obvious and very creepy. If I moved to another spot in the room… he picked a new spot where he could watch me again, and then toward the end of the show he picked a spot right by the only entrance/exit of the venue so that when I had to leave I had no choice but to walk by him.

    Never in my life have I been stared at so intensely… i found it to be an extremely unsettling experience and felt disturbed to my core from it, like it was incredibly violating. Is this a common behaviour for a victim to experience when running into their ex narc in public? Will this happen every time I run into him or was it maybe that it was the first time he just had to intimidate me…..

    YUCK!!!. this would be so much easier if I never had to see his face again.

    I have no desire to break contact…. but to me I felt like this violated my request of not crossing my boundaries anymore..and I was to frightened to approach him and tell him to stop staring as I’m sure he would have made it seem like I was crazy for speaking to him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 26, 2018

      Hi kk,

      it is absolutely usual for narcissists to not respect boundaries and also trigger that within us that doesn’t feel safe.

      Our evolution is in truly healing within us those parts that do so that this person has zero effect on us.

      Then it just stops – truly.

      As victims of narcissist abuse, we are called to become empowered to unconditional life-force and living – meaning we can be our True Selves regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.

      That’s when we reach the true power and freedom that is our birthright – and these people certainly help us get there.

      Mel xo

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