Narcissists have a script, they may not know it but they all pretty much say and do the same things.
It all starts in the Love Bombing phase of the relationship when they are idolizing you and saying all the lovely words they know will hook you in.
Once you’re hooked you can expect to hear a number of phrases throughout the evolution of this toxic relationship that most of us in this community have heard.
Phrases that flatter you, put you on a pedestal, then confuse you, hurt and infuriate you and ultimately punish you.
All these words were hurled at me by my narcissistic exes – that’s why I know them so well. And throughout the years hundreds, and even thousands, of people who are members of our Thriver community have confirmed that they too have heard these very words.
In my latest Thriver TV video I will go through the 12 top phrases you should be watching out for if you are in a relationship with a toxic individual.
Once you have identified these specific expressions you’ll know what to do and how to handle yourself to avoid triggers and further abuse.
Video Transcript
I’ve said it before, and I’m going to say it again, narcissists aren’t that interesting. You may think they’re fascinating, but they’re actually not. They’re all pretty much cut out of the same cookie cutter and they all pretty much say and do the same things.
Today, I’m going to prove this to you, by sharing with you what I believe are the 12 most common phrases that a narcissist uses.
Let’s get moving and investigate what it is that narcissists all tend to say. And I want to frame today’s video around the three well-known cycles of narcissistic abuse, which is idolize, devalue, and discard.
Idolizing When Love Bombing
So let’s have a look at our first section, which is idolizing when Love Bombing.
Narcissists like to portray that you and their relationship are special, unique, one of a kind, and this is the type of grandiose fantasies that narcissist do. They love to pump up their own narcissistically supplied tires.
If they can conjure up to themselves that you’re the best thing since sliced bread, then this grants them masses of the chemical of idolization. It’s a high – it’s like a drug high for a narcissist.
So they make out that you’re the best for this, you’re the best for that, you’re the answer to this, you’re the answer to that, and they rave about you to all their family and friends, and they introduce you really quickly, and all this stuff.
They’re putting you on a pedestal, but you need to know it’s not mature, it’s not realistic, and it’s not even honest. It’s about them getting a high off the drug of their narcissistic scripted fantasies.
Yes, you could be an incredible person and all these things, but this is not mature. And the narcissist can’t care less about how they’re idolizing and gushing could affect another.
In fact, narcissists are very aware that if we’re not yet healed up in our own bodies and we haven’t got healthy boundaries yet and we’re not orientated in the maturity of being a healthy adult in our own body getting to know a person over time to see if the character matches the words, then they can easily sweep people up in this heady potion that the narcissist is brewing such as the number one idolizing phrase, “You are my Soul Mate.”
Number One Idolizing Phrase – “You Are My Soul Mate”
They’ll tell you they’ve dreamt about you, that you’re the prophesied person that somebody told them was going to come into their life.
The sad thing is, as many of us realize in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, is that a narcissist can say this to everyone and anyone that they target. Words are cheap.
Number Two Idolizing Phrase – “You Tick All Of My Boxes” / “You Are Perfect For Me”
The number two phrase that they can use in the idolizing part of the relationship is, “You tick all of my boxes. You are perfect for me.” Perhaps the narcissist at the time in their fantasy truly believes this because they’re in a world of grandiose made up versions of life.
And absolutely, he or she is professing to be in love with you and they’ve decided that you’re this and you’re that and you’re the other. But with all emotionally constructed versions of life that aren’t going to stand the time of real relationships – once you get past a honeymoon stage – the pedestal that you’ve been erected on is the one that the narcissist is going to firmly kick you off when you can’t supply all of the fantastic and unrealistic feelings that the narcissist is at the moment getting drunk on.
Then rather than being the perfect version of the perfect partner, you’re going to become a villain. We’re going to investigate that later in this video.
But first, we’re going to talk about the number three phrase that they’ll use in the idolizing section of your relationship, and this is probably the one that’s the most insidious.
Number Three Idolizing Phrase – “You Are Different From All The Others”
The narcissist will say, “You are different from all the others.”
Narcissists like to say this and it makes you think that you’re the one who’s going to this time be “the one.” It also means that you’re going to go over and above to try to prove to yourself that you’re the one with the narcissist who is different.
Narcissists love to pit people against other people so that they compete with them, even if these are the past relationship people that you’ve never met. And the narcissist uses this to their advantage to be able to garner what they want to get from people.
The bottom line with all of this love bombing stuff is this – a healthy adult gets to know a person’s character and how they operate in life before gushing forth such statements.
If somebody is saying these things to you there’s really only two reasons that they’re going to be doing it. One, they’re a raving codependent who is seeking to get self from outside of self, and they’re not mature and solid within themselves. They’re an unhealed child in an adult’s body, which means that they’re needy – an incredibly needy human being – or they’re a narcissist living in a version of made up pathological reality. Neither is going to give you a happy or healthy relationship.
So moving on to the next phrases, we’re going to look at the inevitable devalue stage, which occurs when the honeymoon starts to wear off, the mask drops, and the narcissist starts blaming you for not supplying them with all of their heady, incredible feelings that their imagination and their high of narcissistic supply was initially granting them.
This is when you start becoming damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And, of course, within a relationship, there are going to be certain circumstances when you call on the narcissist to do something for you or be accountable or be honest or make amends for their bad behavior.
Supportive, trustworthy relationships have this as a basic foundation. You’re not asking for this person to fly to the moon for you. This is a normal expectation. All of which the narcissist simply cannot and will not fulfill. Hence why all narcissists say certain things at the devalue stage.
Number Four Devaluing Phrase – “Just Because I Didn’t Do Or Say This When You Want Me To Do Or Say This”
Let’s have a look at the number four common phrase that a narcissist will use. It’s this, they will say to you, “Just because I didn’t do or say this when you want me to do or say this.”
Of course, you wanted them to do or say that. It’s normal in a relationship, and it’s maddening for you because you simply asked for something basic, and the narcissist flatly refuses to do it, lies about doing it, or does the exact opposite thing that you would like them to do.
Then he or she will attack you because apparently you had an unreal expectation. Please know that you didn’t.
It’s really usual for you to feel violated when somebody in your life refuses to play team and will not meet a normal request or validate you or even consider your feelings. This lets you know that the narcissist simply does not have the capacity to be in a mature and trustworthy relationship.
Number Five Devaluing Phrase – “Look At The Way You’re Behaving”
Okay, number five, they will say, “Look at the way you’re behaving.” This is a phrase the narcissist uses when you’re confronting them about their poor behavior. When you want a conversation about it or state that you are upset with them, the narcissist twists, turns, blame throws, refuses to stay on topic, makes ridiculous justifications and excuses, and inevitably, of course, you lose your cool.
Then he or she will turn it back on you by saying, “Look at the way you’re behaving.” It’s the perfect bait and switch, and we’ve all experienced it, haven’t we? If you have, let me know in the comments below, because I’m sure you have.
Number Six Devaluing Phrase – “You Didn’t Let Me Finish What I Was Going To Say”
All right, number six, they say, “You didn’t let me finish what I was going to say.” This phrase occurs when you call out the narcissist regarding him or her not telling the truth, not coming forth with vital information, or not being apologetic for behavior that was unacceptable.
The narcissist pretends that he or she was going to say it and you cut them off too early before they could say it. How convenient!
Number Seven Devaluing Phrase – “I Did Say I Was Sorry”
Number seven phrase, “I did say I was sorry.” Oh gosh. As far as I’m concerned, when people say this, if they had said a humble, genuine sorry that you felt in your body is true, then you wouldn’t still be asking for one.
There are many ways a sorry is not a sorry when it comes far too late, especially when you’re just about to walk out the door and end the relationship after two weeks of arguing. A sorry is not a sorry when it’s stated defensively. A sorry is not a sorry when it’s followed with excuses and justifications.
A sorry is not a sorry when somebody says, “Well, I’m not happy about the way I behaved either,” and they’re making it all about themselves rather than what they did to you.
A sorry is not a sorry when you have to plead, beg, cry, and scream to receive an apology, as well as all the numerous ways that narcissists say “sorry” when it’s actually not a sorry.
The bottom line with an apology is even if a person does say, sorry, and it is heartfelt, which certainly doesn’t happen with narcissists, even if that happens, if the future actions and behaviors do not match the apology and the remorse and the remedy is not applied, then words are cheap.
A person’s character is defined by their actions. Please know that. Narcissists are rubbish at saying and behaving in ways that demonstrate a genuine “sorry.”
Number Eight Devaluing Phrase – “Here We Go Again”
The number eight phrase in the devalue stage is, “Oh, here we go again.” When a narcissist says this what he or she means really is that, “You are so much trouble and here you are complaining again.”
It’s a way that the narcissist refuses to take responsibility and look at and remedy the reasons why you’re so upset. It’s usually accompanied with an eye roll or a groan or them walking out the door.
Speaking of which, now we’re going to have a look at the common phrases when a narcissist is ready to walk out the door, when they’re ready to actually leave you and the relationship in the discard phase.
Number Nine Discarding Phrase – “I Deserve To Be Loved Better Than The Way You Are Loving Me”
All right, the number nine phrase that is commonly used by narcissists, and this is in the discard stage of your relationship, they will say something like, “I deserve to be loved better than the way you are loving me.” That’s the accusation that they say to you.
Narcissists are perpetual victims. They’re broken children within adult bodies. They firmly believe that no matter how badly they behave that you’re supposed to have an unwavering allegiance to being with them.
If you are not granting them what their False Self wants, then you aren’t loving them according to them. It’s a bottomless pit. It doesn’t matter what you grant and what you do, it’s never going to be good enough. Of course, they’re not going to take responsibility for their behavior, which is about anything but true and healthy love.
Number Ten Discarding Phrase – “It Was Your Past Issues That Caused Our Problems”
Number 10, the most common phrase is, “It was your past issues that caused our problems.” The narcissist will blame you for what happened. They’ll blame it on your childhood, your stuff, your unhealed issues, your previous relationships.
They will smear you to others, telling other people that you were the problem. They will say you weren’t to be trusted. You’re a bad person. You did these things that the narcissist actually did. And this can be very painful and confusing for you as well as totally Soul annihilating when you know you didn’t do those things.
You may even pledge to try to fix these issues and take responsibility to try to stay connected to the narcissist, especially, if you’re suffering the horror of abandonment programs and you go running back.
Number Eleven Discarding Phrase – “I Hate You And I’ll Make You Pay For What You Did To Me”
The number 11 phrase that narcissists can commonly use is, “I hate you and I’ll make you pay for what you did to me,” or words to those effects.
Narcissists can be incredibly vengeful at the end of their relationships. Their words and their actions make you have no doubt that you went from being their Soul Mate to their enemy. You can be shocked at how terribly the narcissist will treat you trying to punish you.
This is how they’ve convinced their False Self that you’re dirt, you’re worthless, and that the relationship completely needed to end because of the person you are. This is just as pathological as the initial idolized fantasy where you were their everything and they were pumping up you and themselves at the beginning of the relationship, because, according to that version, you were the best thing that ever existed.
With a narcissist, it’s all or nothing. You’ve gone from hero to zero. You’re either adored or you’re abhorred, and neither is mature, healthy, or based in reality.
This is the thing, you’re being judged as an object. At the start, you are an object of narcissistic supply. At the end, you’re an object that needs to be discarded.
Real people in real relationships are going to judge you based on your Soul and who you are as a human being, and the narcissist has no concept of either of those things. You’re either granting them supply where you’re wonderful and the right supply, or you’re a worthless object to be discarded.
The truth of the matter is, narcissists create stories about other people to suit their own narrative in order to feed or preserve their False Self – period.
Number Twelve Post-Discarding Phrase – “I’ll Never Stop Loving You” / “Never Say Never”
The number 12 phrase can happen with some narcissists, not all, but it does happen a lot. It’s something like after the discard, “I’ll never stop loving you,” or, “Never say never,” and there’s a reason for this.
Narcissists are greedy for narcissistic supply. It’s a drug to them and they don’t have care for others in regard to how and where and in which way they get the drug. So the narcissist may string you along, making you believe that one day there could be a chance of getting back together with him or her, and this is to ensure that you stay on the hook, that you don’t move on with your life, which is a huge ego injury to a narcissist when you are over them and moved on and having a great life. They don’t like that.
This is where the narcissist is going to keep you hooked for narcissistic supply so that they can circle back to you, reel you back in for an ego feed, and maybe even use you to triangulate against their new partner if their new partner isn’t giving them enough narcissistic supply.
It’s a very cruel game. Don’t fall for it. This is why it is so important if you’re in one of these insane, not normal at all relationships, for you to turn inwards, face you’re triggered unhealed parts within that get fully activated through narcissistic abuse and heal yourself to wholeness. Then you can step out of the cycles with these people who have zero capacity for a real and healthy relationship.
In Conclusion
I hope that you can understand from today’s little lesson about these twelve common phrases and the three phases, that narcissistic people are horrific to be in a relationship with. This is regardless of whether they’re your lover, your spouse, your family member, your friend, or any other person in your life.
They don’t take responsibility. They’re a damaged person with a heap of defense mechanisms pretending to be whoever they need to be to try to get other people to supply them with energy, resources, and an ego hit.
When you’re no longer supplying the narcissistic supply, that the narcissist demands, which is impossible to upkeep – then his or her insecure, unhealed traumas explode up to the surface and you get blamed for it.
There is no way out of this, a narcissist is a narcissist, other than to detach, pull away, and deeply turn inwards to address your own trigger traumas and start to heal up to become a person who does know how to live in your truth and values and rights.
When you have healthy boundaries you’re no longer hooked into and being abused by narcissistic people and this madness. Then you will go free and it does happen from the inside out.
If you are struggling with this insanity, if you can’t detach from all of these games and these phrases and get your power and your life and your Soul back, then I would love you to have a look at this 16 Day Recovery Course. It’s free and comes with two ebooks you can download immediately. It will help you understand what games the narcissist is playing with you and get into your power and get free from all of this.
I know that the expressions I shared today are common, and, of course, there are many more that I didn’t mention. I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Do these resonate with you? Did you receive them? Are you receiving them? Are there others that you’d like to share? Are you able to detach and heal? Are you in the process of doing that or do you still feel hooked in? Let me know in the comments below.
I really hope today has helped. Please remember to like and share this video so that others can make sense out of the madness and subscribe to my channel so you can keep receiving all my new videos.
Hi Melanie,
I just listened to you on YouTube and reviewing this helps a little more. Oh gosh, I am not sure which one to put at the top of the list because they all resonate!
Thanks so much, Melanie, for doing this and helping me. This helps today to remember of the necessity to go within….. thank you Melanie! ❤️🦋❤️🙏
I believe I have told him that he is my soul mate in the beginning and have also told him that I deserve better and to be loved better and at the end I told him who I thought he was and said some pretty harsh words. All similar to some of these comments mentioned above.
Another thing he said regularly was “Is that ok?” “Is that ok I said that or did that?” As if he was the victim. One of the things that he has said that has gotten to me the most is “You know I love and always will.” He always blamed my past traumatic relationship. Always stating I have trust issues. You didn’t let me finish what I was going to say, that’s classic.
It’s my pleasure Peter,
It really is the ONLY thing to do!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie,
I am now six months free of a 28 year marriage to a narcissist. YES! Every single thing that you said an N would say, was said, and more, many times over. Despite my leaving this person a total of 5 times, I finally got the courage and inner strength to do it. I am currently a NARP member (just joined last week), and already am being catapulted into amazing healings and insights. Even though I had finally mustered the strength and will to leave, I can see how easily I would have fallen back into it, without the information and insights you offer in your NARP program, and all your other material. YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!!! There are no words to express the gratitude I feel for you, and your team! Thank you, from the depths of my heart! I can feel my spirit being set free from this terrible bondage, and now am full learning to BELIEVE in ME!!
I have heard all of these phrases from my Narcissist. I really needed to hear this today because he is still sending me messages and eventually I answer back out of anger as he will say “I already got with someone else” or he saw me in some man’s car (not true at all) I get upset and want to defend myself so I text back in defense then he apologizes and tries to real me in. I am trying so hard to stay away from him. This video helps me keep in mind I’m not special I’m just a supply to him.
Congratulations Jen! Stay strong 💪🏽 🤗🙏🏽✨
Hi Jen,
I am so thrilled for you lovely lady.
It’s really beautiful that you have dedicated to NARP fully and that it’s your time to heal.
Sending you love and continued breakthroughs and blessings.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yep so predicable! My last two relationships, at the end they both wrote me letters/emails saying maybe wrong timing, but they will always care about me and want me to be successful and they are proud of me… which had they said that during the relationship I would have probably not left… but I now understand why… also the phrase that was said to me a lot following or during any argument was “you are f*cked in the head” it was so confusing to me… and a perfect way for them to shut the argument down… leaving me questioning my sanity and decisions… I am so glad to be out of this now!!!! Thanks Melanie for all this enlightenment x
You are very welcome Anita,
yes, thank goodness you are out!
Mel 🙏💕💚
He accused me of projecting onto him… I said, “No, you’re projecting onto me because I’m your mirror!” That made him speechless!!! Score one for me!!!
Many things you say make sense!
I am tired of the mental abuse. He can be good for a long period of time just to dissapoint me and call me names!
I know I am not at fault, this is not what I want for a relationship. I am tired of playing games! I have moved out, but he has hooked me back at least to go out!
Not sure why I am not strong enough to leave him!
Hi Esperanza,
please know it is because of an unhealed trauma program we have within that matches what this person does!
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar which explains this in much greater detail.
Mel 🙏💕💚
You have captured so many of the comments that I heard. One I’d like to add is. There are many guys who want my attention. I am not interested but they want to talk chase etc etc me. It’s all to try to make us jealous without them taking responsibility for triggering the attention.
Yes Michael,
absolutely this happens!
Mel 🙏💕💚
You forgot “my God. Why are you so upset?? I was just kidding.”
I am in it , almost 8 mths! It’s mind blowing that these people exists and the emotional trauma ! I need to break free, however I am still with him and I know better now. However still I can’t seem to walk away .
Thank you so much for this Melanie 🤗 I am currently dealing with my soon-to-be ex-husband who is still playing games and not wanting me to move on. I am also going through the discard phase with my 21 yo. daughter whom I had when I was 15 yo. It is total insanity and extremely heart-wrenching!! She has smeared me to the entire family which is also filled with other narcissists or God knows what personality disorders. I realize that I’ve been codependent but am in the process of overcoming. I seem to be a narc magnet and I know it’s because I am a survivor of physical and sexual child abuse. This life has really taken a toll on me and sometimes I wonder how I’m even still alive. I’m sick of surviving and want more than anything just to thrive! May God/Source/Divinity be with all of us through these difficult times and may we all make it out alive and completely free to live life in happiness, health, and fullness. Much love to you Melanie for your work and to everyone on this forum and/or who are involved in this program 🥰💗🙏🏽✨🌈
Hi Nancy,
I can’t recommend enough for you to check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp or Thrive http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive
Both of these programs can hold your hand and your heart to help you heal.
I hope that this can help.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Number 8, “you are so much trouble”… left me speechless due to its accuracy! Thank you for this! And “I will never let you go/leave you alone”… no matter how much I begged, the harrassment of fake love would never stop, even when he left the province. He simply didn’t want me to move on (he even admiited that). Now I have no idea where he even is but he still texts regularly 🙁
HTBFSS,
please know this will end when you decide it ends.
Block, No Contact, turn inwards and heal.
That’s where your salvation and soul soaring will come from.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, I just want to say Thank you as your messages always seem to arrive at just the right time in my recovery journey. I spent 28 years with a narcissist whom I believed to be my soul mate and one true Love and accepted his behaviours as I believed it to be my fault. I left him 12 months ago and Phrase 12 is so true. He said “Times a healer, I may forgive you in the future”. It kept me ‘stuck’ and on Easter Sunday he showed his true colours whilst intoxicated and I didn’t allow him to operate in the shadows. I spoke my truth in the first outburst of my whole life and finally felt free, the iron band around my head was lifted and I felt free at last! Having survived its now my goal to Thrive and I’m so grateful to be free – Thank you
You are so welcome Angie,
it is your time to be FREE!
Mel 🙏💕💚
You know, I really ‘enjoyed’ this video as it took me back to the time in my life when I was still trying to make sense of senseless behaviour and utterances. Except for the last one, every single one applied and I am soaring from realizing that it hardly affects me any longer. On the contrary, being able to say to myself:’Yep, been there, done that bought the t-shirt, have moved on’ has been extremely liberating.
Like so many before and after me I want to say a big thank you, I rest in the complete knowledge that I can return to these resources i.e. modules again and again as soon as any trigger whatsoever raises its fuzzy head to attract my attention to an inner wound, so I can let it go and be unencumbered by it in the future.
Also, the realization that words that used to hurt me terribly are practically in a recipe book for N and used all over really brought home that there is nothing exceptional about them, and they can be neutralised as a consequence. It is also a lesson in humility: it has all been said and done before, and will be said and done again until we learn what we need to learn.
Thank you, thankyou, thank you.
Love, Malou XXX
Love that you have liberated you.
Keep NARPing dear Malou, it only gets better and better!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie….. #12 hits nerve with me…. I wasted 5 years thinking that he would come back, but, in reality he had married someone else. I was a fool to believe all his lies, but much luckier than his 2nd wife, she was stuck with 6 kids when they took him to prison for 7 years. He started sending me love letters from prison after 2nd wife filed for divorce. So thankful he’s out of my life.
Thank goodness Joanie that this is over for you now!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am following you for 4 years now Melanie. You have been a major force in my healing. Now I have almost healed and have a far more detached view of how and what happened to me. You are correct in every single comment you make, you are an astute observer and incredibly talented to put the unexplainable behavior of narcissist into words that make sense. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your hard work and compassion to share with others your insights.
Good Day to you Malanie…… Thank you for walking this journey with us as to many out there, this Narcissistic truths has to be brought to the light….. Because to some people this Narc behaviors are Unknown to Them…… I truly love our Teachings…….. I would like to hear your views on Co – Parenting because as it is, the wife was be keeping our children two from me now for 5 months since we not living under the same Roof…… It’s like paying back she dishing Out
Yes Narcissists are very cruel emotionally damaged individuals. Thanks for your help Mel. I have been badly wounded by them , since My Father was a narcissist, , so was my ex husband . And another. However I have given my self time to heal, and get in now with healthy relationships thank a Gid . Thanks for your help.
#5, 9, 10 and 11. Spot on. A bit painfull to read but very good for the healing process to be aware of. I went no contact because the hoovering was killing me inside. I had so many doubts about my sanity. Was I going crazy? Did I really do all those bad things? Did I really behave in such a bad way? All was my fault according to him. I did not trust my own thoughts anymore. That was very scary. My gut feeling was long gone. I discarded my intuition a long time ago, when it said: this is not normal behaviour, what he is doing: who is this cold and non empathic person? I did not recognize the man I once met at all. I supported him unconditionally and helped him with all his problems, and trust me, he really had some! But there were never real feeling, or sincere support for me or attention for my feelings. I felt so lonely, so I tried harder and harder to ‘earn’ his love. But it was never enough. He left me when I was completely empty of energy. I was devastated. That is now over a year ago. I hit rock bottom. He hoovered for months. And I kept hope. Not anymore. I went no contact. Then he came back very vindictive. He threatened me with law suits. He wanted a lot of money and when that didn’t work out for him, he came after me for some essential things like the washing machine, the dryer and refridgerator (just a few weeks ago). I’m a single mother with two children. Taking that stuff when you don’t really need it is insane and very vindictive. That really hurt again, just when I was doing better. I supported and loved him with all my heart for 5 years and now he was intentionally trying to destroy me. Apperently I had to pay? For what? For doing the best I could? It’s a hard life lesson I have to learn this year. This man is sick and almost no one in the outside world knows him for what he really is. He almost instantly had another relationship. Again a woman with children and the story will repeat itself. He will hurt them again…
I’m very gratefull for your e-mails and blogposts. They are really helping me to recover and see the reality again. It helps me to trust my own thoughts and judgement again. I am regaining my selfconvidence. Also the post about the love bond was so clear and rational. It helped me to know that there is a bodychemical explanation for the anxiety feeling and the thought that you can’t live without this one person. It helps me to see things in perspective. So thank you for all of that!
I remember a few phrases used often usually along the lines of. “What about me, where’s my charity”. (Because of feeding street cats). “I want to live my life too”, but living his life to him means getting a new partner not moving forward and rebuilding himself. Another one used constantly probably a thousand times “no money, I have no money”, whilst jumping up and down and flinging his hands around. In the moment these outburst are very dramatic but as I write them and look back I find them hilarious like, oh dear oh dear another temper tantrum poor boy! Love and blessings to you all. 🌺🌸
Yes, my ex boyfriend who I still can’t break away completely from has said all of these things. He always tells me I don’t love him or care about him and I never have after 5 years of on and off again insanity. I’m so frustrated and disappointed in myself. I always think I’m completely done and then break no contact because I do care and hope he’s doing well even though he has been a complete monster to me repeatedly. He checks all the boxes of narcissist but yet somehow my brain says maybe I’m wrong or being unfair because he does give gifts and help with bills. But there is always a catch and it’s going to be thrown back in my face that I just use him etc. Like yesterday he knows I’m struggling with bills so he offered to help and I emphatically said “no”. He came to my home anyway and left cash under my door mat. He says because he loves me and expects nothing in return. I believe him while in the back of my mind knowing he will use it as a weapon later. I just feel like I’m never going to get out of this. My friends and family are so sick of it and won’t even discuss it anymore really. Yet again he has said he’s in counseling and give him 6 months and he’ll be better and a small part of me still thinks -maybe this time…
I was told “You were born for me. I had to meet all the wrong women to get to you.” Ha! What he really meant was “You were born to serve me.” Now, he says that all the other women he was with did this or that so that he can devalue me when I try to set boundaries.
I left an abusive relationship/marriage after just one year, four years ago, and it has taken me a very long time to recover. As soon as I realized what was happening and what he was, I started following you, and it really helped support me. I have had absolutely no contact with him or his family since, and this was the only way for me to leave it in the past. Looking at this today, the phrases, I can tell you that I heard every single one of them! Hindsight is now 20/20 but I remember that when I was living it every day, it was confusing and felt insane. I definitely lost myself. I am much better now but still afraid to truly trust. Thank you for your wisdom and your ideas about how to be free from such abuse.
I just wanted to share my story, because it has a little different twist, but about my narcissistic relationship all the Same.
I met my ex-husband, after seeing a man for 4 years who was not into a committed relationship. So when I met my ex, the gushing idolizing faze, was just what I wanted to hear. He said all the things, that the other guy would not. I was hooked. Soon after we were married though, it seemed intimacy dried up. Now here is the kicker, he was a true Alturistic Narcissist. He was never “cruel” to me. Just unavailable emotionally. He spent all his time in his studio, and as I came to find out, was contacting MANY women on line, and grooming them for for his “supply”. At first when I found out what he was doing, he gave excuses, that were plausible. But mostly went into the hiding it faze, and then telling me it was my past relationship tramas, why I couldn’t trust him. “Why can’t you belive in me, I love you more than anything, and would die before I let anyone hurt you again”. I went to see a counselor, we had some discussions about things, and I thought things were better. They were just hidden better, and the lies got to be the norm, although I was believing him still. He was always nice to me though, just emotionally and intimately unavailable. I knew something was a miss, and eventually caught him having phone sex with a woman, and telling all the things he had told me at the beginning of our relationship, and talking about their life together. I lost my mind, I was so upset. He was cool as a cucumber, because he had already found someone to replace me with. It was several weeks before he left, and he did all kinds of things around the house to make sure I was ok. He left me with some money, so I would have a cushion financially until I could find work. He really played the part of being a nice guy. He still wants to be friends. This is why I am having such a hard time, letting go. Always the good guy, why wouldn’t I want to be his friend. The fact that I lived for years with lies, betrayal, and gaslighting, don’t figure into his equation. The point I’m trying to make, is in his case, on outward appearance, he is the golden boy. And he was “nice” to me. But he was a narcissist, and devastated me, and discarded me in a minute, for his new life “fix”. I’ve had a very hard time letting go because of the nice things, but it has also been destroying my attempt at at finding peace and closure.
I am not in a relationship with on but my mother is a narcissist and most of these points are very much in line with her and things she has said to me since I had my daughter. Problem is that they (my parents) have my daughter and throw money at her to keep her with them and to control me and my life. I have no idea how to move forward but I will not give my daughter to them without a fight. Problem too is that if I don’t deal with them I don’t get to see my daughter because they are trying to get custody of her and constantly tell her that I don’t want her.
Thank you, Melanie. The NARP program is helping me heal in unexpected and previously unhoped-for ways. I am very grateful to you and your team.
Two statements the narcissisist would say to me countless times were “I never said that.” and “That’s not what I meant.” When she thought she was being at her most poignant, she would state: “I love you because you are my son, but you are not worthy of my love.” Making this third statement always gave her a tremendous amount of gratification until she could no longer say it to me when I went full no contact.
Hi Joseph,
these are classic n-statements!
I am so happy for you that NARP is helping so much.
It’s great that you honor you with No Conatct.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
A few more to add in discard phase when gaslighting and stonewalling behaviors were challenged “keep it up” (Well that sounds like a threat to me.) Or “Oh please…that’s ridiculous”. Impossible to have a real conversation about anything – don’t ignore the signs they were there from the start.
35 years for me of the same. The biggest phrase for me was “you are f****** unbelievable” weeks of silent treatment where I would always give in with an apology for everything, nothing and whatever was up his butt at that moment. 2 years into the divorce process and he still continues to be vindictive and malicious, despite having a new partner for the last 23 months. He wasted no time trolling the internet for a new target. No contact has helped, but he goes through any and all of our 6 adult children painting me as the villain. It’s hard to swallow but it is getting easier with time. No more walking on egg shells, no more put downs, and a new life on the horizon is in sight. So for those still struggling, been there, done that and bought the tee shirt. I strongly believe in Karma, and hold onto what goes around comes around in the end. Keep the faith fellow thrivers, I’m with you in thoughts.
My mother was a malignant narcissist. Her sister, who was also a parental substitute, was also. Runs in the family! Your assessments still are accurate though the dynamic was different. I am 68 and still hampered by their ingrained hooks! Thoroughly trapped as a child by the sense of not being able to move on, to be my own self. They are long gone but my sisters and I each struggled with a terroristic childhood. So much more help is available now than there was when my search began. Signed up for NARP. Hoping to separate myself after many attempts at trying.
Oh gosh Mary,
I am so pleased you have signed up for NARP – it is your time to heal.
Enough pain … dear lady.
Mel 🙏💕💚
“Maybe we can get married again.” Several months later I asked why the hell did you say that. “I was just throwing it out there.” So cruel and unusual. 22 years off toxicity. I realize now that the abuse started on the first day we met, the first day!
When I sadly express hurt and upset about something he has done -[Him] You’re blowing this out of proportion” or “we’ve been fighting for hours because you never let things go” “you stress yourself out” “you’re hormones are the reason why you’re so emotional” “Are you sure you’re not bi-polar” “Another weekend ruined from fighting “ “Do you just like to fight?” “I’m going to get fired from my job because of you”
When he raises his voice, hits objects, berates me etc [Him] You’re making me do this because you…,,” OR “I know it’s not right that I react this way and I know I need help, but you have to fix things about yourself too” “you need to help me/meet me halfway to change” “you never compromise “ “you’re always right” “you’re never sorry” “I’m always the one to apologize” “I’m not yelling (as he’s yelling this statement)” “It’s not ALL me” or “I didn’t take my medication” “I’m under more pressure at work than you could ever understand “
After months of saying he will seek therapy “I’m too busy to make calls to find the right therapist” “nobody is calling me back .”
“I can only imagine what you tell your therapist about me, you probably paint such a terrible picture of how I am and make yourself look like such a victim”
“Stop mind fucking yourself with these stupid psychology articles you brainwash yourself with”
“You started all this because you came at me harshly instead of talking to me when you were upset that I did ____” “Get over it”
When I state that his name calling, yelling, hitting/destroying objects is abuse —“you’re also an abuser in more subtle ways” “you don’t see how you are “ “you’re not as perfect as you think you are” “You don’t remember what you say” “That’s not what I said” “You twist things in your own mind that I’m out to get you” “ Are you sure you don’t have a hearing issue”
“If I treat you so bad and you haven’t left in 8 years, what does that say about you?”
I will sit in silence without replying to him in arguments and all he will do is talk aggressively and incessantly without care if I have anything to say in response for up to 10-15 min straight. If I do respond but do not agree, his frustration and yelling escalates.
Then things go back to normal after I somehow convince him we both have to be more kind to each other. I have to admit full accountability fir my end if things-even if I didn’t do anything wrong and if my behavior was rational . He will hold resentment but push it down and act like the man I fell in love with and married . He will give me full body massages, dinners, gifts, cards, talk about our future etc. The next day, weeks it gies back to the ugly, cruel side of him.
The names he’s calls me : bitch, cunt, moron, insane, crazy, useless, disgusting pig, loser, bipolar, lazy, too old and poor to move on, that I’m just settling for him.
He’s right to an extent. I want to leave but when I do, I will be left with zero income, huge amounts of debt, medical issues such as stress induced optical issues (C, migraines, depression, anxiety PTSD, extreme memory issues, and extreme low self esteem, no true friends, no family support and no energy to even peel myself out of bed. My cat is the only reason I get up in the morning. I waited to have children with this person due to it never feeling like the right time and now have lost my ability to have children due to endometriosis.
I feel like I’m addicted to him but if I don’t leave, just like a drug he will eventually suck all the life out of me.I’m only hanging from a thread. Sadly, I can’t afford to do the workshop. I hope and pray that God gives me the strength to endure and leads me out of this soul-sucking nightmare.
Hi Rachael,
you poor thing this is horrible …
I would suggest a NARP scholarship to you to help you heal. If you are ready to do the inner work please email [email protected] and tell my team that I have referred you to apply for a NARP scholarship.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
#11 and #12
That’s it.
That’s the comment.
So spot on! I’m truly amazed at how cookie-cutter narcissists are. I’ve had no contact for over 2 years now, but still not free. I’m so surprised and disappointed that your THRIVE program is only bring offered on Tuesday afternoons when most people are working. I would sign up in a heart beat if I wasn’t workng full time. This makes me very sad because I’ve been a gold member for over 2 years and I need more help. I’ve now identified so many narcissists in my life that I haven’t even scratched the surface in 2 years of using the healing modules. New flashbacks keep constantly occurring. New realizations keep bubbling to the surface of abuse. I don’t see how I’ll be able to address all of them in the years I have remaining. At 74 I’m still working full-time because of all the narcissists in my life. I’m so grateful for your work and it has helped a lot and I’m hoping to hear that THRIVE will be offered again evenings or weekends.
Hi Mel,
It’s 12 out of 12 for me! So accurate and very confronting. I read your articles and watch your videos trying to use what I rationally see happening in my relationship, but I’m still in the phase of allowing myself to be drawn back in. I’m currently in the discard phase, desperately wanting him to leave, while confusingly still wanting him to stay. We have children and I use all sorts of excuses to try and hold on. I know how toxic and abusive he is. I hope to gain the strength to allow him to go and go no contact. Thank you for all your inspirational work!!!
You are every welcome Kat,
sending you strength and I so hope that this has helped
Mel 🙏💕💚
This video made me cry. I know my ex has a narcissistic personality disorder, but hearing all this being confirmed was definitely so difficult to face.
During the devalue stage, something he’d say during arguments is “Put yourself in my shoes”. I’m not sure if anyone else has experienced this but no matter how much I empathised and apologised and tried to compromise he’d still push further and say “put yourself in my shoes” until I completely broke down what I was trying to say.
He was my first relationship and I broke up with him after 3 and a half years. A week later he got with someone else and a month after he told me how he was trying to get over me but how she worships the ground he walks on and he’ll never leave him unlike me. In the final email he also said that “if we’re meant to be together then it won’t be based from the foundations that are laid out for us now” making me feel like he could contact me again.
I’m 21 and so I’ve been with him my whole adult life, it’s so difficult to think that he won’t change when I saw my whole life with him. Thank you for your articles because they’ve really helped put into perspective the situation and helped me begin to process the fact that he won’t change, no matter how much I want him to.
Hi Sasha,
it is a hard reality to face – but such a relief in that the truth will set you free.
Sending you much love and healing.
How perfect and wonderful if you can get this straight and healed now, as you have your whole incredible life ahead of you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have listened/watched so many of your videos and recognized that from childhood trauma I have gravitated toward narcissists all my life. THREE, three in a row. I have taken a hiatus from men in general now, almost 5 years, but I accidentally found a guy and I find myself analyzing every word. I ask how was your day, he smiles, tells me how it went and then asks me so how was your day, did you do xxx that you wanted to. Obviously this is not what I’m used to but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop so I’m worrying now that I will never have a genuine relationship that i can trust. And yes, that’s on me, I am terrified. So does that mean I’m just not healed or destined to be on guard every moment? He has never said anything like the words phrases above or blamed me for anything. I just need to calmly keep my eyes open so “maybe” I can have a real relationship.
Hi Susan,
it means that you are not healed yet and this is very normal after narcissistic abuse.
I highly recommend checking out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as it will free you from these traumas and triggers.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve been reading several of the blogs. I’m not sure I’m dealing with a narcissist. Some of the things sound right, but he doesn’t have all of the qualities. We’ve been together 26 years and he’s never once idolized me. The first time he said he loved me was at our wedding when he repeated what the preacher said. He has just now started saying he loves me because I think he feels I’m pulling away. I don’t respond to his constant badgering anymore. He can’t stand that. He wants me to argue, but I’m just so tired of it. The kids and I walk on eggshells constantly to keep from upsetting him. Although it doesn’t always work. I can’t ever load the dishwasher to suit him. He goes through phases where he’s perfectly fine and then the switch is flipped. He will have two good weeks at the most and then four bad ones. He has been living in another state during the week for work. My daughter says our house is so calm when he’s gone. It really is. We dread when he comes home. He does have some good qualities. He has always worked and supported us. He coaches all of our son’s teams (baseball, basketball, football). People either love him or hate him. He is very possessive about money. I am the bread winner of the family, but he watches every purchase I make on our online banking. He has recently bought a business that should be very lucrative. He goes on and on about how smart he is and how wealthy he’s going to be. When I obtained my doctorate, he acted mad at me….never once did he say he was proud or anything like that. I honestly don’t know what I’m dealing with. I just know I’m tired of being nervous and anxious all the time.
Nice article, it is important so we need use spy camera. you can visit this site.
Hi Melanie,
Yes, ALL of these phrases resonate with me. I’ve heard every single one. The last one, ” I will always love you” came to me through my children. He sobbed to them about how devastated he was over our divorce and that he would always love me. I was infuriated that he send that through them. Now I understand what he was doing. “Killing” two birds with one stone. Reeled them in and got a rise out of me. At least by that point I had been no contact for a while, so didn’t say much in response and definitely didn’t contact him to express my dislike of him using our children to deliver his abuse.
They all have the same traits
This is really crazy because I can recall all the events where I was told each and every phrase by my narcissist.
I was amazed by reading this as if they were quoted directly from my narcissists mouth. I’ve had every one of these phrases used on me at one time or the other over the course of the last 9 months almost verbatim.
Wow I realize now who the narcissist is and glad I’m not an apologist for him and definitely don’t have an unwavering allegiance to a hard headed, incompetent and frequently tantrum throwing, toddler. Screaming and yelling at you and even kids or pets?
Whatever that is it’s crap.
Hi Melanie-
Thank you for your continued supportive videos. The money I spent on thrive was the best I ever spent. I was in a 30 year marriage with a Narcissist. He continued to focus on his career, while I worked on mine while raising his, mine and our children, ran the household alone as best as I could. When it was time for retirement, which lasted about 2 weeks, our door was a revolving disaster of his grown children. When I stated I’ve waited patiently for 30 years to have me to myself for a little while, he responded like I was asking for too much. Then he blindsided me wanting a divorce for No reason. All I wanted was a why. All those lonely years… when he was never home making a name for himself saying he was doing this for us. I started looking inward making decisions for my life. He turned my children against me, got me fired from a job I truly enjoyed, smeared me so much in my community, even my very best friend turned her back on me- I had to move out of state to start over and it didn’t stop. He tried to turn the people in my new home state against me, luckily for me they were smarter than he. I found a WONDERFUL partner who I really took my time with. Eight months of dating before we ever became involved and intimate. Life isn’t perfect, especially when he tries to upturn my new life. He’s moved on with another less attractive, less educated, older Woman. I really feel for her, even when she badmouths me now and she’s never even set eyes on me. I know what she’s in for. There’s nothing special about him- I realized. I’m been going through a long drawn out divorce- the Courts are seeing him for who he truly is now and it’s because of this program. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I don’t think I would have made it this far without this great community. Less Confused, Kristina