Narcissists like to love bomb! They like to shower you with gifts, turn on the charm and move things on very quickly.
When it comes to dating a narcissist how do you NOT fall for the love bombing?
How do you know the difference between love-bombing and real healthy attention and consideration?
Find out if there is a way to tell the difference between someone who is genuine, attentive and generous and a wolf in sheep’s clothing in this episode.
Video Transcript
What does it feel like to date a narcissist?
Heady. Exciting. Intoxicating.
(Before being healed up of course…)
How does all your sensibility go out of the window?
Why does it feel like you are on The Love Train Express, on a one way track, even though you sense there is something terribly dangerous about this?
Don’t real people show up as loving, genuine, trustworthy and caring as well?
You bet they do, and in today’s Thriver TV Episode I am going to explain to you what dating a narcissist is like, as well as what it is like to date a DECENT, loving and genuine person who is showing up interested in you and attentive towards you.
As well as HOW you can put this to the test!
Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do.
And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Okay, let this episode begin!
The Feelings of Dating A Narcissist – When We Don’t Know!
What goes on with the narcissist and us when love-bombing happens?
The narcissist’s manoeuvre:
I’m going to try to hook up with this person. I’ll ask questions. I’ll find out what they are looking for and what they feel hurt about in their past. Then I’ll appear to care deeply about them and be everything they have been searching for.
The unsuspecting target’s feelings:
Oh MY GOD! This is the person I’ve been dreaming about, visualising and putting up on my vision board. He/she has arrived!
The narcissist’s manoeuvre:
I know this person is trusting and believes me. Now I’m going to snare this person quickly. I’ll take over their heart and infiltrate their body, soul and life. Heck, I’ll even connect financially with them as soon as they allow me to.
To get them to give me the key to the fortress, I’ll make them think I’m taking my time and have great respect for them. That is if sex and chemistry doesn’t get the better of them.
The unsuspecting target’s feelings:
Oh MY GOD! This person is everything I have ever wanted; I’m so attracted to him/her and he/she is so sweet and considerate. This is it – this is my beloved. There is no point wasting time, I know he/ she is the real deal and would never hurt me. I’m in!
(Mind you, this person’s intuition, their Inner Being, is dinging warning bells. Yet that niggly feeling is pushed aside by the over-enthusiastic reckless neediness to enmesh.)
The narcissist’s manoeuvre:
I’m SO high on new narcissistic supply that I am getting off on this. I know this person thinks we are crazily in love.
The unsuspecting target’s feelings:
Oh MY GOD! I feel so in love and attracted to this person I can’t even see straight.
That, in a nutshell, is a classic narcissistic love bomb. It is no more complicated than that – find out what a person craves and pretend to be it.
This is why narcissists get new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg.
The odd person reports that they didn’t feel head over heels when love-bombed. They didn’t feel the big chemical reaction to the narcissist – yet they still got hooked in because of some neediness within, like: ‘I’ll be on my own if I don’t accept this person’, ‘This person has the contacts, intelligence, wisdom, spirituality, money or lifestyle that I need to be happy, whole and safe’ and the list can go on and on and on.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when we believe it is about ‘love’, that connections with narcissists are a dual interior subconscious game of neediness and supply. The narcissist NEEDS significance and someone else’s energy to survive, and we NEED what is missing in ourselves and our lives to try to feel whole.
Hence, why our connection with a narcissist ends up being as painful as anyone’s relationship is with a drug dependency that is killing them.
We don’t believe there is any other option than the narcissist, who originally appeared as our saviour to ourselves – until we realise that our entire lesson with narcissists is to let go, detach, turn inwards, heal and become a FULL source to self.
The narcissist who will never become a source to self believes that people are just objects and that they are dispensable sources, when necessary, that can be mined from virtually anywhere.
It’s true there are many unhealed people who feel empty about something on the inside.
Dating Fearlessly
Please hear me when I say to you – it is SO not true, that it will never be safe for you to date because narcissists are everywhere.
Yes, narcissists are everywhere – that is totally true, and so are great people who you can have healthy, fulfilling relationships with.
Your future relationships are never about what other people are or aren’t doing (oh gosh I promise you this).
Rather, they are about WHO you are BEING.
Beingness is not something you can just logically decide – it’s the work you do inside yourself to heal, so that you can show up, not CARING who other people are, because you know who YOU are, what YOUR values are and how powerfully (and not needily) you can take your time to get to know people and put yourself (and them) to the test.
I really want you to discard the ridiculous romantic notion that love is all about being swept off your feet into an instant relationship.
Fairy-tales, sitcoms, novels, plays, advertising and blockbuster movies have made us believe this – but truly, if you want to be safe, healthy and happy then you need to GROW UP and take your time when dating.
If you do, you have narcissistic repellent working powerfully in your favour from the get-go.
Narcissists HATE to take time; they need narcissistic supply to survive – like yesterday.
If you can get it through to yourself TO TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME to get to know someone, rather than be like my previous self who used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than I did into choosing a relationship, then watch on – because we are not going to leave any stone unturned.
Your Criteria to NOT Fall For the Love Bomb
I want you to ask yourself these questions:
- Is your life whole enough, as a single person, to NOT need a relationship to feel happy and have a fulfilling life?
- Do you feel like you are established as your own generative source of love, acceptance, survival and security – and no longer feel like an empty, broken child in an adult’s body looking for a partner to be a pseudo parent for you? (I know that is such a tough question and one I want you to get really honest with yourself about – because it is NO one else’s responsibility to give you your happiness and life – it is yours.)
- Are you healed beyond the beliefs ‘all the good ones are gone’, ‘I have to accept who turns up because there may not be another’ and ‘if I have a connection of (whatever it is) with someone, I may never experience that with someone else again’?
- Are you healed and truly over the trauma of your past relationships?
- Are you very clear on what you will and won’t accept and, so, will not compromise yourself because of neediness and feelings of lack?
- Are you prepared to ask for what you need and want? And will you, respectfully without resentment, walk away if this person does not meet your values and truth, and accept that you are just not a match for them – regardless of what stage the relationship is at?
- Have you evolved past the beliefs of ‘going on dates with the wrong people is annoying, terrible, disappointing and a waste of time’?
- Are you healed beyond capitulating to other people’s demands even if it means you lose this person?
- Are you able to accept someone discarding you because you didn’t go along with their version of dating (such as having sex too soon), without blaming yourself and wondering what is wrong with you?
- Do you now accept that what comes up via dating grants you the perfect opportunity to heal beliefs and release even more trauma, show up in truth with healthy boundaries and become an even greater generative force of true, healthy love?
I promise you, I used to be a ‘No’ in all these areas. Today I am a ‘Yes’ because I know not just healthy love depends on it – my life literally does.
I worked my BUTT OFF with the inner work to get myself there.
Okay, so I’d love you to be honest and share with the entire community below – how many do you score a ‘yes’ out of these ten questions I just asked you?
I promise you this…until you stop dating trying to find someone to heal you, or deciding that you could never date ever again because you are too broken, and instead heal yourself in your key inner areas to become whole, not only will you date effectively, you will have a total blast doing it – no matter how many narcs you initially come across.
I also promise you that once the Quantum Mechanics of so within so without, get clear so that you are solid within and taking wonderful and powerful care of the sovereignty of your soul – the seas will part, the narcs will all get washed away, and great people will start flowing towards you.
Before then, you will be susceptible to a love-bombing narcissist. If you are starving or dying of thirst, you will eat crap on a stick or drink your own urine if you have to. With a narcissist who was originally wrapped in glamour, you’ll see that when the mask falls you will be left with the chilling truth of who they really are.
The total solution is to heal you, then you will never accept that again, and you won’t put yourself in a position to even start a narcissistic relationship.
When you heal, you will put as much thought, time, diligence and care into a relationship decision as you would any other impactful life decision – even more so – and certainly more thought than purchasing a pair of shoes.
The Difference Between Love-Bombing and Real Healthy Attention and Consideration
I love that I get to live so many experiences for myself AND this community.
Sometimes I feel like a crash-test dummy, in a good way!
‘Love’ has certainly been a journey for me, full of richness and experience, and I am very blessed to have enjoyed being able to have my heart open to receive new relationships even after narcissistic abuse.
EVERY relationship since the two N’s, has been a wonderful step up for me in certain areas.
You may ask what the difference is between decent caring people who are lovely and being love-bombed.
I promise you I KNOW the difference. And the reason I was able to enter a healthier relationship trajectory was because I was DIFFERENT enough to attract and accept this into my life.
My current partner of just over a year is a lovely man. From the day I met him, I felt a familiarity, a soft warm feeling. It was like putting on an old sweater that I adored. It was a feeling like ‘coming home’. It wasn’t the high anxiety, blood pumping ‘thrill’ of hanging out with a narcissist.
(Which for a long time I have been quite repulsed by!)
In the past, leading up to this man, I had been adamant about NOT being with men that were at all love-bomby! Because I knew how narcissistic that can be. I have to laugh about how the Universe says, ‘your wish is my command’ as I had been experiencing ungenerous relationships.
Meaning they were NOT romantic or caring, even though I was clear (previous love-bombing or not) with what I wanted, ‘I want romance. I want to feel like a revered woman. I want to MATTER!’
From day one I received flowers every time my partner picked me up on a date. He would send me beautiful thoughtful messages, including poetry. I was being beautifully romanced.
I still am to this day.
And I was totally allowing things to unfold whilst sizing him up, as well as evaluating how I was Being in this.
A dear girlfriend asked me ‘How do you know this isn’t love-bombing?’ My answer was ‘Because if I am busy and can’t get to his text, he waits respectfully until I do. And if I have other plans, and can’t meet up, he is totally understanding with this’.
This man was NOT needy, pushy, demanding or sulky. He was being a real romantic steadfast man. He respected my space and never encroached on it.
He didn’t play ridiculous ‘let’s throw caution to the wind in the name of passion’ games.
And, I was not giving up my life to completely fall into his arms. As it turned out, he didn’t want that either. We took our time through a friendship and courting process to get to know each other, as two whole people seeking another whole partner, to share a life with, rather than to self-medicate with or take away our emptiness and loneliness.
We remained platonically dating for three months before the relationship deepened.
In those three months, I watched and waited, as did he.
The other values I was very clear about included consideration for people, and one’s word being backed by real action, or taking responsibility if not possible (such as when stuff happens).
He has integrity. He is a really good person at his core.
I was clear on what character and kindness looked like and I was totally prepared to say ‘Okay, if he isn’t it, this has been a beautiful exercise in developing a relationship for both of us, and the next man will be even better.’
I truly believed that with all of my heart.
I still do, and if for whatever reason we decide our journey together wasn’t compatible with what we wanted any more, then that would all be totally okay too.
Right now, it is wonderful.
The Only Relationship That Creates All Others
I know there is a lot going on in this episode, and I hope that it can truly and deeply help you.
You know I am always banging on about the inner work, and that is because I know without it, after narcissistic abuse, just how hard it is to heal our fractured relationship with ourselves and life, let alone be powerful, solid and wise enough to engage in healthy relationships with a non-narcissistic intimate other.
What I love about truly cleaning up the relationship that we have with ourselves and feeling whole and satisfied in our own body and in life, is that we are no longer dependent and needy in relationships.
That is when we are TOTALLY free enough to choose and engage in ones that ARE healthy.
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to get there, and I know it will be for you too.
If it’s time for you to put an end to the narcissistic madness and fear, please click this link to start your trek on your true love path today.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and wisdom! It has really helped me in my struggles.
I feel like I’ve just started my Journey, 5-6 yes from me!
May I ask you a question? I fell for the love bombing of my ex narc straight away, he started it right after me and my ex husbands decition to get a divorce. I recently thought of that my ex narc quickly became my person to go to. He filled the void of my family every other week when the children went to their father and I was alone and I let him be my only person to go to. I am not sure I had fallen so hard if I had done the proper work to heal after the divorce, Maybe I hadn’t fallen for him at all. With help from reading your work I have discovered I have deep unhealed childhood wounds. Do you think that the core issue that caused me to fall for him? Or more because I was in a fragile state right then and there?
I hope the question makes sense, I am swedish and I’m sorry in advance if the grammar is incorrect and if I have misspelled.
Thank you!!
Hi M,
it is my pleasure.
I always believe there is inner work on our past to do!
Our core beliefs (formed through trauma) so powerfully play out and really they all come from our past. I am so sorry you went through what you did. For all of us it is about being able to be true to ourselves no matter what. Both your factors are likely to have played their part, yet core childhood wounds are the foundation.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks for your reply Mel! I wish you a lovely day!
Hi melanie it has taken me 7 months withthe narp gold program i know now what is good for me and not good for me thank you for showing me what i needed to heal within myself. It had nothing to do with my family it had to do with my trauma and i have faced myself. My family is still toxic maybe one day we can get along but for now I carry on my happy content fulfilling life. I have given them every opportunity to change and they refuse. NOT MY PROBLEM
Thank you so much for this Mel. I have a question for you though… I was in 2 very narcissistic relationships. One for 20 years and one on and off 7 years. I have now been single for around 2 years and I love it. I have no interest in dating or going on dates at the moment. I have beautiful friends and family and I have done so much inner work, NARP, life coaching and have now booked to travel solo overseas in January, have raised 2 amazing kids by myself and am now enjoying me time. I was incredibly lonely in my relationships (especially my marriage of 20 years) but now I don’t feel at all lonely. I keep thinking maybe I should be “dating” but I am just not there. It is not something I am interested in right now. I would perhaps like to be with someone one day again. Will that feeling to be with someone ever come back??? I wonder if there is anyone else who feels like this???
Jodi. I am still in a marriage with a man I feel is narcissistic (33 years). But I could certainly understand not needing to be in a relationship to feel whole once you’ve been freed from that prison. Consider yourself blessed! That’s probably the best position to be in if you truly aren’t “looking.” You aren’t in a position of vulnerability. That’s a great thing, I think. Continued blessings to you!
Hi Jodi,
It’s my pleasure.
I think it beautiful that you are enjoying life solo! That s such a testament to your inner work!
Yes, many people feel like this. If you suspect that this is something that you want, and there is a block in the way – you can target and release that block with NARP.
Time will tell.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am 2 years out of a 20 year narcissistic marriage and then a 7 year abusive narcissistic relationship. I’m not enjoying my life … yet. I’m still healing and working with a therapist and getting my life together professionally, financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was broken down to rock bottom. In good moments, I feel I will never want/need a man again — I feel maybe it just isn’t something I want to risk again. I just can’t imagine trusting someone or myself or the Universe again to want to be with someone. If I can heal enough to feel whole by myself, I don’t know how or why I’d want someone to hurt me again. Maybe I’ll feel differently once I’m further along.
Hi Susan,
I promise you that when you are ready and more healed and whole, you may feel like this.
For now your healing and recovery is your sacred time.
Blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Jodi, I think it’s awesome you have come to the point you have!!! I as well feel so fortunate and grateful to value the great relationships I have both male and female… and all ages. These are people I truly love and care about and who in turn care about me. At 63 (and I’m a young 63) , I’m not but could be a grandmother. ( have only had NPD males, and my two adult children BOTH inherited their fathers ASPD/he abandoned them at 3 and 1 years old..I never remarried..so triple indemnity~~) My once healthy libido and enjoyment of male company, sex, affection and all the good that can go along with that..well..time and nature bring us to a different place. If anyone would have told me I’d be saying this when I was in my 20’s, 30’s and early 40’s, I would have said “Not me! I’ll be wanting a male romantic love partner (with the sex) til I drop …lol NOT..I think the strongest, healthiest people I have met and know are single!!! No due disrespect to coupled up people…but I believe (especially here in America) we are SO conditioned via movies, romance novels and advertising on so many levels to believe we are no one without someone (romantically)…SO not true imo. I’m a Massage Therapist of 28 years, and that said, I hear peoples “stories”…and it saddens me how many people are so sad and lonely because they don’t “have” someone..I feel bad for them. I think from what you shared, you get the fact that you have many other people in your life and appreciate that fact. I have listened to many women in their 80’s and 90’s explain how great a life they’ve had 100% single!!! I’ve felt more love from babysitting my friends grandchildren, and a pure love hug from a 5 year old…well, it trumps anything I’ve ever had (passion) from a male..because there is NO agenda, just pure joy and love~~~~~You’ve got it girl!!!!
Thank you Melanie.
You are truly a treasure! I’ve done the inner healing work and I’m dating someone now after previous narcissistic relationships.
I’ve been receiving lots of affection and attention and it was playing on my mind with caution as to if this was love bombing all over again.
This episode has given me a bit more clarity and hope that I might actually have started a genuine, healthy relationship.
Lots of white light
Jason
Hi Jason,
thank you for your kind words and I am so pleased this validated you.
Just keep your boundaries and truth, and take your time, and you will see!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I need to wait until 2020. When I have the money to join the program. In the meantime, I need to continue to focus on self-love and self-care. That is where my powers are.
Thank you Mel! Great article, so helpful.
You present this perplexing problem with clarity, wisdom and compassion.
I am in recovery from C-PTSD, working with a therapist, and doing your Quanta Healing work.
Lots of reasons for optimism :))
Though many therapists/mental health professionals write & talk about the permanency of C-PTSD (permanent damage/changes to the brain), I no longer believe that is necessarily the case, and have now reached the point where I am actively ENJOYING this personal process of healing and evolving.
Dating is not yet a priority for me, and I will not be entering that arena until it feels like a happy, light-hearted thing to embrace.
Right now, your articles/videos are immensely helpful to my developing self-compassion and self-sovereignty.
Heartfelt thanks X
Hi Cindy-Lou,
it is my pleasure.
I am so pleased you don’t believe that information and that you are determined to de-tox trauma, heal and Thrive – better than ever before.
So many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
After my husband passed away within a 10 day period, I was extremely lonely and vulnerable to a neighbor who played me for a long time. There were so many up/down emotions and he would draw me back in after I would break off. He always said he was not ready to “kick me to the street” whatever that meant to him. He would say “If I did not care I would not be around” or “I would not let you know as much about me as you do because I am a private person”. After many lies, manipulation, inflicting emotional pain whenever he could, I finally listened to others as they told me he was a narcist and finally went NO Contact. It has been 1 1/2 years now and I want a loving relationship again like I had with my husband whether I ever get married or not. I do not want a relationship like with the narcist.
Hi Mel
Another set of truth bombs said here all I can say is that there is much to be healed inside. In my head I can say yes that is common sense but not in my body because I am afraid and hurt and there are so many levels of traumatic history. I thought I had healed because I felt ok but my body was a different story. I think I am adult enough to be in a healthy relationship but my body says something else. I fall apart in therapy and my childhood ace score is a whopping 8 out of 10. If I am doing emdr and use qfh will this speed up my recovery as at this stage 42 and single I want a whole empowered female divine spirit inside and be in my power I have no concern for anything outside of me. I believe now is my time to heal not just for me but the line I carry epigenetically. I would love to get to a stage of knowing I don’t seek love outside of me rather I am love. Thank you for another wake up call.
Mia
Hi Mia,
it is so true it is our body that stores the trauma.
Absolutely body healing Modaiites like EMDR and QFH will help incredibly. Please come into our wonderful NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp where there is so much guidance and support for you. 100% you can heal. So many people in this Community have to levels that far exceed where they were operating even before abuse.
It’s so great that is your goal, and you will achieve it.
Lots of love
Mel 🙏💕💛
This is brilliant thank you
Hi Bee,
thank you and it is my pleasure.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank You, Mel, for sharing your very thorough and compassionate truths about the characteristics of narcissism and narcissistic traits, how to recognize them, and how to avoid and/or heal from narcissistic ABUSE.
I recommend this site and your related Blog(s) to everyone I know…even if they are not actually in a toxic situation but for their knowledge and awareness anyway.
Stay Strong.
It’s my pleasure Liz,
and thank you so much for spreading my work!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
This is where I’m at right now. Been narping for almost a year now. Still havent extricated my ex out of my body. He didnt love bomb me but was very needy and within 2 weeks he had moved in. I was attracted to the fact he needed me and really wanted me. But he was very superficial and I couldnt connect with him and share what was going on inside of me. After a year I found weed which glued our relationship together. I knew from day 1 he wasnt right for me but I couldnt walk away because of my scarcity beliefs and if I leave him he will die. Eventually I broke up with him after 10 years I have managed to stay away it’s been hard but I’ve done it with the help of narp as he is still in my body there is still a pull to go back. We have been apart 2 years he still wants me back after 2 years. I decided I want to heal 1st before dating again. A guy contacted me on fb. He is an upgrade from ex. He has the right credentials but I cant speak to him about my belief system which is quantum or about psychology or I get the sense about my inner being too. Been on 2 dates I enjoy his company but I dont feel a deep connection as I put it out there I want someone conscious who is working on themselves. This guy is so keen he wants to jump into a relationship. I am putting down boundaries but I am feeling pressure from him. I’m narping like crazy cos a lot of my fears are coming up. Scarcity, he is the right type of guy my mother would approve what if I never meet anyone else, I dont want to get trapped with wrong man again he is trying to work me out and my feelings for him. I told him I find him attractive but need to take my time to see if we can form a deeper connection. He told me he always jumps into relationships and if he gets hurt so what. So scared I’m going to lose out I’m 51 years old and I dont want to be alone rest of my life. I am so deep that for me I need to find somebody that can match my depth. He says for him life is simple for me it’s not emotions are complicated and not everything is black and white like it is for him. Is your man conscious? I’m struggling with my scarcity beliefs and my own deservedness of getting exactly what I want.
Amanda….Don’t settle and go with you gut…It sounds like your inner voice is telling you he is NOT for you….He is telling you who he is,,,needy and “jumps right into” relationships….How has that worked for him????I’ll assume he’s in your age range, and really good non narc type men imo are usually well partnered…Be careful and as Mel explains in this episode, it’s so very important to take it slow, get to really know the person…And THAT takes TIME!!!! Narcissists are famous for trying to move the relationship quickly (hence his jumping in comment/big red flag)…Any adult should respect anothers boundaries and desire to take it slow….That is a character strength NOT a flaw…respect your inner voice/gut…when in doubt, don’t….
I am so glad that you are in a fulfilling relationship and are being courted. Thats great. It was a good episode today. I was in a relationship for 19 years with a man who was very abusive. I was stuck in cognitive dissonance and rewrote all abusive events to minimise what was going on. You are so right I was getting all my joy and happiness from the relationship which was pretty miserable. It was all about his mental health. He was leading a double life and when caught , I understood how I had lost myself so badly. I felt annihilated and worthless. Its a slow process for me, its 10 years ago , im building myself back up , getting confidence and enjoying my life. Im not desperate but am lonely at times. You are right it has always been with me , from childhood , its a part of me. Im joining in things now , sometimes the people are not from my tribe but im out there. I would love to have a partner to share some of my life with. I have still some way to go. Ill keep you posted.
Thank you Mary, so am I!
Wishing you breakthrough, healing and all the joy and love that life has to offer Mary.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
Fantastic video. Thankyou.
I’ve been love-bombed in the past and for me nowadays, it is a huge red flag.
However, recently, I had something strange happen. The guy I was dating more or less blamed me, insinuating that things were moving too fast and I was love bombing him! That was no not true, but he accused me of moving things too fast (we were not seeing each other much… Only every two weeks) and said that we’d had too much communication in between! I was stunned. He was not too complementary about my personality when he inevitably discarded me. No love bombing was here, but I still get the feeling he was a narcissist, and he was holding back to punish me.. I don’t think all Narcissists do love bombing at the start… Some have the opposite pattern of withholding, and that can be another snare, if you get my drift. What is your take on this, Melanie? ❤️
Hi Tara,
There are so many Narcs out there that use their motto ” Treat them mean….keep them keen” to hook up to needy people for their supply.
My advice is run and never look back. You dont need this emotional pain
Hi Tara,
100% narcissists can find ANY way to get in and hurt.
And, we can do a shift from enmeshment to unavailable with people!
Truly it all grants you an opportunity to redefine self, boundaries and keep healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel
I have a narcissist step mother of 95 (!) who suddenly turned on me when my father (91!) had a fall June last year. I just couldn’t believe what she turned into (the full narc tool box was brought out) and how my life fell apart.
Anyways, long story short: I started NARP on 4th Feb 2019 and then upgraded to your Empowered Self Course about 3 months later and which I am on the final module (10) in written exercises and now on Mod 04 in Audio exercises (which is extensive). I decided to press on with the writing in my beautiful bound A5 Journal as I needed to complete each module in writing before healing from the Audios. Working the audios this way has enabled me to go back through all the journaling I have been writing up as I go through each audio. Each audio DOES indeed require the written notes.
Wow, sooooo worth the work and healing. Thank you so much Mel for all your hard work you have put into helping me and the general NARP community. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. (My wife thanks you too for getting her husband back!!!) Still some work to do, but definitively getting there, healing and uplevelling my life in all sorts of ways! Big thank you. My 200 page journal is nearly full and it’s ALL Melanie Evans!
Hi Richard,
That is wonderful that you have reaped the rewards of your inner work. I love that you committed to your healing so diligently!
Love and blessings to you and your wife.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I love the description of a real relationship and how it feels. 🙂
I feel so past the Narc thing that I am ready to be reminded of real relationships and what those are like. You are a lovely example of ‘Moving on’
Thank you for this post.
“NEXT!”
Hugs,
Thank you Iris darling.
I’m so glad this is inspiring for you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am about 50% on the questions. Thank you so much for this video, because I am clearly at the stage of clear fear that I don’t want any kindness at all because I am afraid it is love bombing. It clearly makes sense the narcissists game though. I am a year and three months in the NARP program and I do healings at least every three days. Slowly I am getting to the place where I believe I can have healthy relationships. I am learning with family and friendships first before venturing into the dating world. I believe another year of NARP and the self empowerment courses will free me from the belief systems. I am enjoying my life as a whole, healthy person alone at the moment. As a side note, it was lovely seeing Tiggy in the video again.
— Marcie
Hi Marcie,
you are very welcome, and I’m so pleased this has helped.
This is PERFECT that you are doing work on the existing relationships forst – that was SO integral for me too.
You are totally on track darling lady!
Tiggy is so funny he’s either ‘in’ or ‘out’ these days, as the mood takes him!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Adedoyin,
Awww gosh, darling, you have been through so much, and it has all been so painful.
Please Adedoyin, I would love you to connect to my inner transformational resources so that you can start to learn how to heal for real, from the inside out from this.
My free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar is a powerful and supportive way to get started.
It is your time to heal.
Mel 🙏💕💛
NEED SOME WISDOM !!
I WAS WITH MINE FOR 30 YEARS TOTAL 4 YEARS INTO OUR MARRIAGE I WAS BLIND SIDED AS SHE FILED FOR DIVORCE , AFTER 3 MONTHS SHE WANTED TOGET BACK TOGETHER OF COURSE I DID YEARS LATER SHE DID IT AGAIN.
IN YOUR READING YOU STATED THEY LIKE TO MOVE QUICKLEY, OR DID SHE TAKE MY YEARS BECAUSE SHE WASNT
DONE WITH ME,
JUST DONT UNDERSTAND TWICE IN 30 LOYAL YEARS
Hi Frank,
It is incredibly common for narcissists to Hoover and cycle back to exes even years later.
Please google narcissistic hoovering to understand more about this.
Mel 🙏💕💛
“If you do, you have narcissistic repellent working powerfully in your favour from the get-go.” Heh, I wish I had narcissistic repellent in a spray bottle like insect repellent! 😀
Just today my friend said, I think to encourage me, “you will still find a man who will sweep off your feet”. I was like gosh, but I do NOT want to be swept off my feet!! Yep, that’s how it started with the n, and it’s extremely alarming.
When you say “From the day I met him, I felt a familiarity…” I became little bit “worried”. It’s lovely when you have met someone good and I don’t want to say anything bad about that. But I remember reading a couple of years ago this chilling line: the more someone instantly feels like a “soulmate”, the more likely it is that he is a psychopath!! Yep, the n felt my “soulmate”, and it was VERY difficult to let go of that dream…that he wasn’t.
Also the feeling of “familiarity” is a worrying me. Just recently I had this huge awareness, that all the men I have attracted/been with, have been an exact replica of my mother’s toxic behaviour. I realised, whether good or bad, we are somehow unconsciously attracted to what feels familiar.
So, how can you tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy familiarity?
About lovebombing, when my sister met her husband, he was lovebombing like crazy, to the point it annoyed me and much intensity. I’m happy to say that today they have been married over 15 years, and he is not n, neither of them are! So, good men exist, even if they do behave little bit lunatic way initially 🙂
Hi Anna,
I promise you with Ns I also felt immediate connection.. much more powerfully emotionally jolting than this.
I can also promise you that boundaries, truthfulness and complete n proofing has been in this relationship from day 1 …. healthily. There was no handing over power, rushing or going along with any uncomfortable suggestions. I have been true to me 100 percent.
No one can remain acting in that environment for over a year if an n. Also his great connection with children and friends and in business that check out thoroughly would all be an act too.
Every n in my previous lives, with a scratch under the surface revealed severe relationship fractures as well as dishonest and disheveled behaviour. Which they also demonstrated repeatedly in their every lives. Stuff, because of my neediness, I continually made excuses for, or tried to fix.
Those soul contact (to help us heal) relationships crack and get worse over time.
Soul mate relationships (after doing enough inner work) on the other hand improve, deepen and strengthen over time.
This relationship every day does that, we grow more fond, supportive of and strong together. If this relationship weren’t to succeed I really believe it wouldn’t be because of our character or personality disorders.
By this stage with ns (even a few months in actually) there was already numerous disasters and abuse underway.
There is a significance difference that I really do hope people understand, so that a) they do the inner work to get there and b) they are not scared of experiencing a healthy true connection with someone … that they can take their time to ascertain, retain their boundaries and see what unfolds.
And ultimately leave if the relationship doesnt work out, without the devastation of losing their lifeforce, resources and soul.
That is what healthy self and love partnership can look like.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have nothing to do with the ex n anymore and he comes less and less into my mind. It’s sad, sometimes I feel Melanie that I must stop following your excellent blog, because I don’t want to be reminded about the n and narcissism anymore!! I’d like to read articles about thriving, not about n’s…they don’t deserve my attention anymore! 🙂
But just today I remembered, when I had just met the n and “known” him like 2 days, he sent a message “I will not cause you harm”. At that time it felt sweet, like I could trust him! Now it feels creepy…he caused me enormously harm! Now when I think about it, how odd it was…who normal person would even write such a thing? When we are dealing with other normal people, it goes without saying, that no-one is intending to cause any harm to anyone. There’s no need to specifically state that.
And he also added, “I’m also a very sincere person”. Yeah, really…I think I’ve learned something, if someone has the need to quickly assure this kind of things…red flag!
Hi Melanie,
I felt little sad when I read this, confused: Meaning they were NOT romantic or caring, even though I was clear (previous love-bombing or not) with what I wanted, ‘I want romance. I want to feel like a revered woman. I want to MATTER!’
You said earlier (or so I understood) that we should not “want” or expect anything from anyone, or want people to “be in a certain way”. But of course we do! I also want to feel myself like a woman, feminine, wanted. That requires the presence of a lovely man! I’m not going to feel any of that, if I sit home alone every day of my life. I hope that is not what you meant! That it is ok to WANT different kinds of things and people. I hope this “self as a source” didn’t mean we become hermits! I can buy flowers by myself to me if I want…but how much nicer it is if a man brings them to me, for sure! <3
Hi T E,
I understand totally what you mean by this fine line.
If we want or need something to fill an emptiness within and then we are in Wrong Town, and always ultimately end up back in that empty and needy place no matter how much we try to get relief.
TE for me I did a great deal of healing with NARP to feel whole and happy and extended in my life without someone.
Having a life and being joyful alone is, I believe, vital for so many reasons.
Then as an extension of the inner contentment I could add preferences …such as if I DO share my life with an intimate partner what would I like that to be like?
From this position of inner fullness we can add preferences that please our soul.
Can you feel the difference between neediness and healthy desevedness desires and preferences?
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
First of all, I send you lots of love!! Your heart is so beautiful and your energy is felt by many, including me. I was with a narc for 3 years and I KNEW, something was absolutely WRONG!!! I was head over heals in LOVE 😍 with my boyfriend, feeling exhausted and drained all the time.
I started searching to see if I was crazy or if indeed something was off about my relationship.
I found YOU. I learned from you about love bombing, ghosting, and how parasitic narcissistic abuse takes a toll on a persons being. I thought you were spying on me and writing about my whole situation. Then I realized, I’m not the first, this happens to many people who just need to heal from some hurt in their heart ❤️.
Because of your teachings and the support I felt, I started seeing my boyfriend’s actions for what they were. I grew stronger and stronger. Then it was time for a change, and I wanted him out of my life. He lived with me in my house, I asked him to leave and he would NOT go! Each event was absolutely draining. I would read your inspiration and details surrounding situations I was going through… OMG, I had to evict him and it took 4 months for the whole process from beginning to end. With your wisdom and the love I felt from you, I stayed strong and kept my eye on the end game… Operation “BOYFRIEND BE GONE”
On Sept 4, 2019, he was removed officially by the Sheriff.
I have had no contact with him at all and am recovering. I thank you 🙏🏼 Sweet Melanie. I’m loving 🥰 my inner self, child, woman, as an emanation of the universe and God. You are beautiful and loving! I truly believe you were by my side the whole time I was going through this experience.
I can answers ‘yes’ to the above questions, and I know it was your dedication to helping all of us that contributed to the possibility for it to be so.
Thank you 🙏🏼 Peace and Blessings!
Awww Cici,
I am so happy for you you broke through darling Lady.
It is a privilege and honour to have helped you sweetheart.
So much love to you too
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel,
A very timely blog for me. I have met a man online who lives in the US. Ummm 4 days ago now. I didn’t want to have a long distance relationship but I allowed him to convince me to have a go. And I thought it would give me the space and not be too full on for my first experience in many years. I have been having uncomfortable feelings ( I am very mindful of how I am feeling) throughout our short encounters as there seems to be a lot of love bombing. Mind you, if I had given him my address I believe that he would have been very romantic by sending gifts and thoughts. I just don’t like doing that too soon. So how else could he do it? By expressing himself. He told me that he loved me day 2. Its just not possible in my mind. I was immediately alerted and challenged him as to how this could happen. I received airy fairy lovey dovey responses, nothing satisfactory in my mind. I again brought it up with him today and I think the fact that he had a call to take at the time and then was tired and needed to sleep convinced me. Also I have found it difficult to get him to open up but I thought it would take patience and time. He has told me that he will fly over in January to see me. I get suspicious especially since he has professed his love for me as if that wasn’t enough and he believes that that is ok. There is so much more to know yet. Its really difficult to tell when its long distance because one cant really assess through time spent together even though we have talked on the phone which has been very comfortable and emailed. I set my sense of self worth with him immediately. I am not needy, just looking for a man to share my life with. I should just tell him that I am uncomfortable with the situation as it is and monitor his responses. I know the answer though. Thank you Mel.
Hi Shar,
Most definitely this behaviour is incredibly unhealthy.
It smacks of scammer, narcissist or dire codependent with a personality disorder thrown in.
There is no value or anything to gain but pain from continuing any contact with someone like this.
There is a world of great men to get clear about and set your bar of dedervedness with.
When we try to turn crumbs into cookies then we pay a massive price.
Shar you know your answer already if you are honest with yourself.
No one healthy declares love after two days on line. These are actions of deception and purposeful manipulation. As well as total self absorption.
Your boundaries or not, you cant change someone like this into being a decent person.
I hope this has helped wake you up.
Mel 🙏💕💛
This is totally it, you nailed it, Melanie – the snuggly warm feeling of a favorite sweater. This is what being with a good partner is like, or with a good friend, even. I’m lucky enough to be with such a person, and it feels very different from being with a narcissist.
I may not be a definite “yes” on all of the points yet (my wounds are more FOO related than romance related) but I am getting there, and I make sure none of that crap is dumped on my partner!
Thank you for making this video and for reminding us all what it is like to have a healthy attitude towards love and relationships <3
Hi Scindapsus,
I am so happy for you that you are experiencing this too.
You are so welcome sweetheart and I love that you are doing the inner work and Thriving.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
I could only answer a yes to 2 of those questions & a ‘getting there’ to another two.
I’m still working on module 1 – When I read your description of what your relationships were and then about your current one – especially about how he brings flowers every time you date, I became so emotional & the tears came (very unexpectedly). It’s so overwhelming how I could have been so oblivious of what my Narc husband was doing although as you say my inner self was sending out alarms. And given that my mother had plenty of Narcissistic tendencies, I guess it isn’t really surprising that I ended up in the relationship I did. Thank you for sharing your healing stories and for Quanta Freedom techniques. I finally see a small glimmer of light at the end of this ghastly tunnel!
Hi Amy,
Dear Lady please know with the NARP work this is all so possible for you.
Please also Amy make sure you reach out to us in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member if you need our support.
So much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I love all your blogs Mel, this one included.
As N’s are on a spectrum, it’s really ultimately up to us to secure our boundaries and not let things slide. I was guilty of ignoring or having no boundaries and letting things slide because I wanted so badly to be part of this person’s life. It actually was 4 months of getting to know that person but from the start, I’d already ignored warning signs as well as seeing myself dropping my own values. ‘Too good to be true’ and ultimately it was. It took a long time to see what I’d got myself into and realize that it was wrong for me but I now look at it as a learning experience and hey! it got me to Narp which I am so thankful for! I’m working on me now, happy with my life and if another person comes to join me, wonderful, but if not, that’s okay too. And this time, I’ll get to decide if it’s right for me or not, not making me right for someone else.
Thank you, Mel!
xo K
Hi Kathy,
I love everything that you have written here.
Powerful and truly Thriving darling lady!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
Your work has been a lifesaver to me. Thank you for all you do.
This article helped me admit to myself all the signs I ignored and made me face how desperate I must have really been back then. I don’t understand looking back why I didn’t walk away early on, I had dumped boys before. I thought I was so empowered. He was not at all aligned with what I stood for. I gave in to things that disgust me now. It’s hard to look back and think of them. I had no boundaries and got hooked at 18. I am still trauma bonded at 48 and don’t recognize who I’ve become.
Not only did I pretend that he was all my dreams, family man and such, he’s been pretending all these years too, along side the abuse, cheating, double life, simultaneously. No one, even my kids will ever believe me.
Through NARP I think I am finally ready to lose it all to gain it all. The family is falling apart and the kids don’t respect me anymore. My mother and sisters have never supported me (my origin issues). I really will be on my own for a while and am totally terrified.
If there is absolutely no future with him, sure is a waste of more years to hang on. I am really struggling with the the belief that I can’t make it on my own. I’ve never done it.
Other than continuing to NARP, do you have any suggestions for me? I am so afraid I will never have the strength to walk away.
Hi Mertz,
It is so great that you are starting to accept the truth, because that is what will set you free.
My greatest suggestion to you is, via NARP please stop being hard on yourself regarding the being taken in and along with his lies.
Sweetheart me all did this when we had those vulnerable unhealed parts within that were causing us to.
Turn inwards with love and compassion for you.
The greatest way through for you is to stay out of the analysis and just do as much of the deep inner work with NARP as every fear arises.
As a previous woman who was terrified about surviving alone … I promise you that your NARP work will help immensely.
Please Mertz also come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help support you.
The only way out is through, you know that …and you have the tools and support to do it.
You’ve got this Mertz and we have got you.
Sending love and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💛💕
I believe the true mark of narcissistic behavior is the inability to process negative emotions.
Once you own your own self and can create your own reality (truth) then minor conflicts (ones of priority) are bound to occur.
The narcissist responds by either agreeing with you (during the love bombing stage) or escalating (once they have you hooked).
Agreeing means having no agenda of their own except to hook you. It is a warning sign. They are not self-aware enough to have their own identity. When they eventually feel engulfed they will swap to escalation.
Escalating from natural conflicts in priority to conflicts in importance (“you would do it if you loved me”) or issues of character (“you are very selfish”) are warning signs. It is a sign that they are feeling engulfed and that they feel you owe them for their previous compliance.
Anyone can enjoy a good meal and a glass of wine. Relating (the basis of relationships) is only tested during conflict. Conflict is inevitable. How we deal with it is a LEARNED skills. Date until the natural conflicts occur. When they do, look for quality of dialogue. Capitulation or contempt are both avoidance techniques. Both spell doom. Look for good problem solving (coping skill) and fair fighting (respect).
On another note… awesome website. It helped me let go of the character assassination hooks and rededicate myself to pursuing my (healthy) reality. It literally changed my thinking and thus my life. I am truely grateful for all your clear thinking. You suffering was not in vain.