Typically, narcissistic women will set out to snare new supply – by using their appearance and overt sexuality.
The narcissistic woman is deeply insecure and empty on the inside, and more interested in maintaining her looks and what she can get from people, than their feelings or needs.
She can be caring and cunning too – being everything you want her to be.
Discover more differences AND the similarities between female and male narcissists in this Thriver’s TV episode.
Video Transcript
This Thriver TV Episode is one you men want and may really need to understand – because many a narcissistic woman has been able to dupe a decent, generous, caring man, emptying him out of his emotions, resources and sanity.
But this episode is also applicable to gay women and both genders regarding both friendships and business matters.
Absolutely, female narcissists exist. Narcissism is not gender specific, and this is what Today’s Thriver TV episode is all about. So stick around to find out how to spot a female narcissist, as well as how to protect yourself from one.
Okay, before we dive in, thank you for supporting the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, I’d love you to – and also please hit the like button if you enjoy this video!
Now let’s get started…
One For The Guys?
I know that some men think I only talk about male narcissists in my videos and blogs. Please know this is SO not true. Narcissism is narcissism and the behaviours are scarily similar between every narcissist, regardless of sex and who they are in your life!
Also, I want you to understand that the way to heal, for real, from any narcissist is identical.
This applies regardless of your gender, who the narcissist was in your life, and even how the abuse happened. In our wonderful Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Community, there are many men (straight and gay) healing from the devastation of narcissistic relationships – including of course with women!
So even though this TTV Episode may seem like it is one for the guys, it is for all of us, just as every publication I do is NOT gender specific.
Now let’s get down to it.
The Same Behaviour of Narcissistic Women and Men
The following is CRUCIAL to understand…
There are very few differences between the characteristics of narcissistic men and women, because when a person is operating from a False-Self interior they behave in almost identical ways.
And … I totally don’t want this TTV to be about demonising women, just like I am not in the business of demonising men. We need to understand that certain character traits are necessary to define a narcissistic person of any gender.
Just because a woman cares about her appearance does not automatically define her as a narcissist – just like a man who cares greatly about his professional image and financial success, as many women do too, is not automatically a narcissist either.
Now let’s look at the behaviours of narcissistic women that are IDENTICAL to those of men – including the one definitive distinguishing characteristic of a terminally narcissistic person – ‘I will NOT take the responsibility to meet and heal my wounds, and work on myself in order to change my behaviour and life.’
Both female and male narcissists, seeking people to mine attention, acclaim, sex, power, contacts, resources and the like, do these identical things:
- Size up their targets and know how to appeal to exactly what THAT person wants to hear and receive.
- Fact finds a person’s weak spots (their insecurities). Offer support, validation, and care, which this person feels they don’t receive from others, and then turn the tables and start attacking these weak spots with criticism, nasty action and abandonment tactics.
- Pretend to be supportive of the people, passions and things in your life, and then start discrediting and sabotaging them.
- Need constant ‘ego-feeding’ with stuff, attention, significance and their version of respect and acclaim.
- Punish mercilessly when the False Self is not fed adequately.
- Do the push-pull game: ‘I reel you in and then I cast you out.’
- Can take out masterful smear campaigns against you.
- Are controlling, possessive and insecure, and react in rageful ways that mature adults simply don’t.
- Can strip you bare emotionally, mentally and financially.
- Commonly position the children against you and attempt child alienation.
- Project blame and argue with you in circular ways that leave your head spinning.
- Refuse to be durably accountable. Apologies take far too long if they do come, and then don’t hold weight or last. The narcissist continues to re-offend.
- Harbour and keep bringing things up to punish you with – despite saying they were resolved in the past.
- Play tit for tat – delivering punishments that do not fit the supposed crime (except in their own heads).
- Make you feel you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. This person can never be appeased.
- Toss you into the gutter without a second glance, when they cannot get what they want anymore or you have been emptied out.
Awful, isn’t it?
I promise you, in the ten plus years I’ve helped people from all over the world achieve Thriver Recovery, these things happen to EVERYONE at the hands of a narcissist – no matter the gender or the sexual orientation.
So, if you truly think that ONLY women do this, or you think the same about men, think AGAIN!
Okay, now let’s get down to the DIFFERENCES.
What Characterizes A Female Narcissist?
The things that I am talking about now are the typical narcissistic female characteristics. Mind you, not ALL narcissistic women fit this description.
Please note, in some cases I am describing the characteristic with ‘him’ being the recipient. Yet this applies to gay female narcissistic relationships also.
The most obvious difference between a narcissistic woman and a man is the way in which she will snare new supply – by using her appearance and overt sexuality.
In the case of heterosexual relationships, men are very visual and sexually enticed, and narcissistic women know that their attractiveness, being flirtatious and having a willingness to grant him sexual attention is a great asset. Naturally, this can and does also work with gay women.
(The same can be said for male somatic narcissists, gay or straight, who use their physical beauty to snare potential mates.)
Traditionally, the difference between narcissistic men and women is that highly effective narcissistic men will use power, success and resources to capture new supply because they know it works!
In a woman’s DNA, ‘security’ is attractive to her. In a male’s DNA, it is ‘procreation’ with a physically appealing mate.
Now, because a female narcissist is inherently a female, who suffers from security fears, as well as being intensely entitled, her target is likely to be a nice, successful, hardworking guy, who is generous to a fault and wants to be a good provider.
This suits her high-maintenance and very expensive lifestyle – granting her all the right products and accessories to maintain her ego-necessary beauty, as well as grant her the significance that her False-Self craves.
Maybe he doesn’t have a lot of money, but she is after something – connections or some sort of security; maybe even a free, temporary roof over her head, until she is on her feet and can find better supply.
It is very common for narcissistic women to upgrade from one partner to another.
The expression ‘beauty is skin deep’ applies. The narcissistic woman is deeply insecure and empty on the inside, and more interested in maintaining her looks and what she can get from him, than his feelings or needs.
All of this becomes more and more obvious after she has captured him.
Being Everything You Want
Regardless of whether a narcissistic woman appears in your life as a potential romantic partner, business associate or a friend, she will be charming and caring.
She will demonstrate how loyal she is – she appears to be committed and caring; a team member who has your back.
It is SOOO usual for her to go over and above the call of duty to show she cares about YOU as a PERSON.
Like all narcissists, it is an act.
It’s a powerful act.
She knows how to use her feminine wiles to incite people to care about her, as well as how to work out what role people want from her.
Is it someone with the smarts and credentials to help in business?
Is it someone to help look after children or loved ones?
What food do people like to eat?
What help do they want around the house?
What deep and personal thing do you need to talk to someone about and feel supported with?
Who can you call at any time of day to feel that someone genuinely cares about you?
In the case of romance – what are your deepest desires and fantasies?
It’s not surprising that the recipient of a narcissistic woman initially believes they have met the dream friend, business or love partner of their life.
She’s smart, capable, a wonderful asset to have around, and seems to genuinely love and care about you. Everyone in your life loves her as well. She makes certain of it.
However, like all narcissistic façades, the cracks appear – sooner rather than later.
The brittle, easily triggered, possessive, insecure creature emerges. She becomes critical, entitled, selfish and demanding.
Whoever lets this woman into their life starts becoming her emotional punching bag – bit by bit being blamed for her self-torment and anything that goes wrong (which is plenty).
The sad truth is this: a narcissistic woman (like narcissistic men) is a ’professional parasite’; a bottomless pit, who can never be made happy no matter what anyone gives her.
Are There Warning Signs?
This I want you to understand about narcissistic women (as well as ANY other narcissist you come across) – there are NO warning signs!
They show up appearing lovely, wonderful and genuine! But lovely, wonderful and REAL genuine people also turn up like this!
So, how DO you tell the difference?
I’ve said it before, and I will say it again – NO narcissist walks into your life, sticking their hand up announcing that they are a sociopath about to rip your life apart!
You recognizing a narcissist has NOTHING to do with them.
It has EVERYTHING to do with YOU!
I promise…
These are the relevant questions you need to ask yourself. Have you…
Taken your time to get to know someone – their character and WHO they really are – before letting them into your life, business matters, home, heart, bed and body?
Asked the difficult questions when things feel off?
Requested proof and done investigative research on someone’s credentials if you DON’T fully believe them?
Laid boundaries and said ‘no’ if a request feels uncomfortable to you?
Kept seeing the people and doing the things that are your life, when a new person comes into your life?
Got clear about what abuse is and what it isn’t?
Confronted, stated your truth and stuck to it, even if someone has tried to manipulate you?
Walked away from someone who is abusive, regardless of what hope you had for them in your life?
Known your own worth and value, regardless of what someone else has or hasn’t been or done?
I’m going to be straight with you, if you can’t honestly answer these questions as ‘yes’ then you are susceptible to narcissists from both genders.
If you are honest with yourself – you will KNOW exactly why.
If you CAN answer these questions as ‘yes’, then NO narcissist will get past your boundaries. She (or he) will EASILY be flushed out or will disappear before risking something happening.
That is when YOU will have distinguished whether someone is a narcissist or not – BEFORE you get damaged. When you see them unravel in front of you or sneak off back into their shadows because they can’t both hang out with you and stay in the shadows at the same time.
Then you will say, ‘Oops there goes another one!’
If you aren’t in your power in this way, then the ONLY time you will spot a narcissist is when it is too late. They are already under your skin, entrenched in your life and creating havoc – like a terrible parasitical disease.
And you will only find out because their mask fully drops.
Do you understand NOW – REALLY? If so, I want you to pause this video, and let me know by writing, ‘I REALLY get it!’ below.
If you do the inner work, then you won’t care whether someone is a narcissist or not – because you will be a True Self; someone who is impervious to ANY narcissist – regardless of whether they are female, male or an alien!
I promise you I NEVER look out for narcissists. I couldn’t care less who is or isn’t one. No longer do I try to fruitlessly work out the other billions of people on this planet. How stressful, exhausting, traumatising and what a total waste of time that is!
All I have to BE is supremely authentic, truthful and powerful within myself. Man, it’s liberating. It’s awesome! It’s such a relief to just BE myself!
I got there with Inner Work, the REAL way.
The real inner work doesn’t take decades, and it’s not hard, gruelling and awful.
I promise you – that is NOT the truth!
My healing process to achieve personal liberation and power is direct and happens in record time.
Truly, your Inner Being can’t wait to be free of the pain and the crap you once believed!
So, guys and girls come join me to learn more about the true way to be safe, powerful and free from narcissists, by clicking this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
I get it
Awesome Paul!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
I will be forever grateful to you. Your program was the beginning of my healing along with Psyque therapy. After reading this article my heart aches after seeing the full picture of what is going on. My 16-year-old daughter has insisted she has gender dysmorphia for the last couple of years – which interestingly (am connecting dots) started a couple of years ago – coinciding with the beginning of my healing from being codependent, uhhhh, I wonder.
She was the sweetest child, supporting and always seemed to be on my side and “hated” her father and will even have panic attacks every time she would spend time at his house. She seemed to be “Momma’s girl.”
After getting her therapy so she can look at traumas inflected in childhood due to the toxic relationship between me and her father, she refused to continue treatment. She would continue with her gender dysmorphia argument: she says she feels like a man, want to change her gender, remove her breasts, shaves her head and dresses with masculine clothes. I got tired of her refusing to take responsibility (ability to respond and take action to relieve her suffering by refusing therapy that I can attest it works) she asked me one night if I was embarrassed by her. I was going to say no, yet the attitude she had taken of a very masculine female bosting her way around other males was very upsetting and I told her that I was, that I was shocked and yes I was embarrassed because that it was not how I treated others.
The next day I told her I have used the wrong word, I told her I was uncomfortable because I did not know how to deal with the situation, yet she decided to move to her father’s house 2 hours away to “work on her issues.” Slowly she has become a chameleon and she is saying that she is staying with her dad and she does not want to come back home.
She has given me a “passing grade” as a mother and said other hurtful things. She has switched completely – found another host?
It saddens me because I know that because of my lack of self-esteem and how emotionally unstable I was, she did not have mature parents she needed.
I believe her gender dysmorphia is her mask in order to deal with her lack of support from my codependency & her father’s narcissism. Now she even looks like him, talks like him, and acts like the over narcissist he was or is. She tells her sister that now she is supporting him with his issues, yet she does not want help to look at hers…
It breaks my heart to see her in such suffering… I am so sorry I was not a healthy mom for her when she needed me to be.
Oh Alessandra,
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain with your daughter.
I can’t even imagine how painful that would be. Big hugs and love to you.
Have you tried to release the trauma and pain you feel about this with NARP Modules?
It is the only way I know to find either peace, change or solution in circumstances that are incredibly painful.
Also please dear lady, please know you don’t have to go through this alone. there is an incredible NARP Community that can help hold and support you at this time. I would love you to come into the member’s Forum with us here, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this can help in some way.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank your reply. I did not think about using the modules… I will look into them again. Thank You 🙂
I will check the Forum as well.
How long did it take you Melanie to get to where you are today. Regards
Tristin
Hi Tristen,
the truth is when I turned inwards and started doing the deeper healing work with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/NARP my breakthroughs started happening incredibly quickly.
I’ve been at this for some years now, and I will never stop, because the more I release trauma and let Source in, the better and healthier my life gets.
Naturally, that is the truth for all of us!
I hope that this helps explain Tristen and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
My sister is a narcissist and I have to stay no contact or she’ll turn my life upside down! So sad! Every time I give her another chance she annihilates my life and hurts me! I’ve learned my lesson! Unfortunately she can’t be trusted! So sad!
Yes it is sad Marianne,
big hugs to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I’m in the same boat, Marianne. It IS sad to know the relationship you would like to have with your sister can never be. I’ve gone through anger, disbelief, stress, upset, been pushed close to a breakdown… but I have come out the other side and feel sorry for her now. Not sorry enough to get back in touch though, because I know what the result would be. No contact all the way.
Me too Moo and Marianne. My ex husband huge Narc and my sister both! Melanie has helped me prepare myself for a better future! thank you
I get it..Thank u.
Marianne. Me too, sis and Mom, I tried to lay a boundary today, Mom hung up on me, not talking to me. Sooo nice to have learned from Melanie and be able to recognize what this is so I can support myself with Source’s help through the “trash taking itself out”. Wow, what a blessing to have NARC and Thrive and Melanie, really amazing!
Melanie, thanks for your videos. I want this inner healing desparately but am confused how and where to start and how to go about it. I need real direction. Im not functioning well right now with depression, anxiety, financial demise.My narcissist is a male, my husband of 30 years. My young son and I moved to his home country Canada after we married in my hometown florida with my family and two of his children present. We moved to Canada afterwards living near his family for 23 years. He was always fiercely jealous of my attention to my son and his kids jealous of their Dads attention to us, but he was great to his kids and family members, I wasnt supposed to be the same with my family members. My 7 year old son and I gladly participated in and made our life there, accepted his family as our own. However, my son went back to Florida after 11 years with his biological father to get away from the abuse and feeling unwanted by my husband. I stayed behind with my husband and his family these 11 years. My parents also in Florida were getting older and my son married and had children (my grandchildren). My husband retired and agreed to move to Florida near my family and away from his adult children after 23 years. He was involved in our life and my family in Florida for about 2 years and then disconnected from them, wouldnt plant his feet here, made new friends and slowly started excluding me and talking about leaving me and geared up towards it for 4 more years but hid it. I was always insecure never knowing if he was going to really leave. I worked and would come home to find things missing and a secret hitch installed on his car. If i questioned him, he lied, made up excuses or got mad and said I was controlling and he couldn’t live like this. He also said all I cared about was my family. If I tried to connect with him, he said I was smothering him or controlling, if I gave him space, he said i was neglecting him and taking him for granted. He knew I had childhood abandonment issues because my mom left me on the side of the road one time as a child at night in the middle of nowhere and told me to walk to my dad’s house. She came back few minutes later but the damage was done. It severely traumatized me. There are other experiences as well that did too. My husband knew this. He did a smear campaign on me for 4 years to everyone including his family in Canada, wouldnt participate in family events, hates my son, wouldnt help or support in any way, didn’t even want me to visit them much or help them (in their 80’s), he excluded me from his new circle of friends in Florida which included flirty women, and stopped participating in our previously shared activities and one day started arguments and abruptly deserted me. I thought he was just mad and left for the day. I went out a little while and came home to find him and clothes, computer and some of his family portraits gone. I didnt know if he left for good, if he was coming home that night and he wouldn’t respond to my texts or phone calls, where he was or if he was coming home. I didnt hear from him for 5 days. I was frantic, out of my mind with fear and panic.i was deeply dependent on him. I eventually found out later, he went back to Canada, redirected the only income we had into his own bank account, left me with no money, and all the bills. I have been struggling emotionally and mentally financially traumatized and heartbroken over this since. It’s been 6 months and I don’t know what to do financially or emotionally/mentally and just dont know where to go from here. We have talked since and started talking reconciling but he’s never made real commitment to it and just trying to get me to sell house so he can get half and get me and my son out of it and have no where to go, but says if I sell, he’ll come back to reconcile. I think hes just setting me up. My adult son moved in with me for moral support after my husband discarded me and my husband is livid about that, tells me I gave up him for my son. How crazy is that? My son moved in with me because he abandoned me. He alwats makes it a choice between him and my son. I shouldn’t have to make a choice. I love both. He’s with his adult children and they had enticed back with them ever since he moved to Florida 6 years ago. I need some real help. Please show me how to get help and to get my life put back together Melanie. Im sorry Im not functioning very well right now. I had no job when he left and couldnt get one in my state of mind. I dont have any money to spend, credit cards maxed, trying to preserve credit and live on some borrowed money.Thanks so much for all you do. Please email me, and reply here. Im not sure i will see your reply here but I will look for it and look for your email if possible . Thanks.
Hi Tammy,
with your circumstance, please email my wonderful support team at [email protected] and explain your situation briefly, tell them you would like sponsorship, and they will direct you to apply for NARP – the core healing program in this community which is what heals the previously unhealable.
I hope this helps and sending love and strength to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for this information, yes i do get it.
i have been pulled into this roller-coster; i am trying to get out but inlet fear get a hold of me and i guess for a long wishing for change.
Mel,
After being in 3 relationships with men on different areas of the narcissistic scale, I began understanding what it was and why I got into them and stayed. Basically my wound of not being able to be safe or worthy without conditional love (parental conditioning and lies). My current boyfriend is not this, but it appeared again in my work life. The organization hired a female manager who was young, pretty but unqualified and who demonstrated the qualities you mentioned. I and other coworkers saw this. I was passed up twice for a promotion and she hired another woman who was also not qualified. I also recognized her as being toxic, in fact much more. I had done enough healing to recognize this and not go along with the tactics of their needing ego supply in a respectful way. I was lied to then given 40 minutes to pack my office, being let go for no reason other than “they were moving in another direction”. I liked my job and the other coworkers. And it was also financially devastating. The men in my previous relationships also just dumped me. I find it curious that when I started doing the work and recognizing and voicing my truth that they all discarded me because I assume they realized I wouldn’t be a supply for them. Although I realize I am better off without them and that job (dead end), I am still working on why I didn’t leave first. It really boils down to I didn’t because I didn’t think I could survive financially or provide for my kids and myself. I am 55 and started over after staying home with kids, so finances are a difficult reality. But it has forced me to realize my truth and let go of lies and expectations.
Get it. Most of my family are narcs so no wonder I was attracted to my ex who was also a narc. It was familiar and something my deceased Mother accepted. NARP has helped me remain no contact and to do the inner work.
Yes, I get it! Thank you so much for continuing to provide contact through your videos. So appreciated.
It’s my pleasure Denise.
I am so glad this made sense.
Mel 🙏💕💛
WOW,WOW,WOW. Definitely get it. I thought I was for the most part safe from this stuff but just coming out of a crazy 4 month whirlwind dating experience that got kicked off with the “Love Bomb”… and I fell for it. I had been heavily involved with ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, 12 step program many years ago and have been committed to my christian walk for over 25 years. I still married a crazy 20 odd years ago, and I’m now 10 years down the track from my wife divorcing me for exposing her. And now I got suckered again, this one snuck under the radar very quickly and easily as Melanie described and attached to my unhealed internal trauma, drats, drats, and double drats!! I’ve been kinda working this out intuitively but not quite getting the bigger picture till I came across this site which has confirmed, affirmed and given focus to where I need to go, I have the target clearly in sight. Thank you so much for this stuff, so helpful for getting people moving in the right direction. Really, thank you so much, what a revelation!!!! Oh, and this narc ended it because I slowly exposed her with too much digging, probing, questioning and challenging, and finally putting in place a clear boundary, no surprises there! Though the probing, questioning digging etc. would have been much better done before I got entangled emotionally, which was my plan going into it, just that the “Love Bomb” got under the radar!!. But, praise be to God the Father, as Melanie has put it so very well, this narc was a gift to wake me up, open my heart to the Lord to heal and expose my hurts for Him to get me on the road to wholeness, thank you Lord and thank you narc for showing me what needs to get healed. I’m well on my way now with the focus this info has given me, thank you Melanie, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!
I met that “love of my live” at work in a big company, she was new… She was a very pretty girl from a spanish island with hazelnut brown shining eyes and brown skin with curly hair.
28 but looked like 21, the most charming, sexy and cute girl that i ever met.
She contacted me first and was so much into me from the very first moment. within 3 hours on the first date we ended up in her appartement and had very intense sex.
After that she constantly contacted me, telling me how great i am and how special it was for her to be with me.
She asked on the 2nd date if she could trust me and if i would take care of her and if there are any other girls in my life. Because she didnt want it to be over between us within 2 weeks.
The connection between us was so deep that i fell in love very deep and quickly.
The only doubt that i had was that it was just too good to be true. But i was very proud of myself because she was my first love and it seemed to work out very well.
Few weeks later she fucked an italian guy of the same company, cancelled our date at the weekend for that without telling me anything.
2 days later i recieved a long whatsapp message from her. she wrote that she felt that i had more feelings for her than she had for me and she didnt want to hurt me. And that she met this ohter guy instead of me.
She wrote me that she already dated with him before we met each other, which was a lie i figured out later.
Kept me as her second choice till the things with the other guy worked out the way she wanted. She also asked me if i wanted to move into her shared appartement because there was a room free and i was looking for one in that time.
Then after a request of mine she rejected me fully pretending me how happy she was with her new supply.
In that moment she was very cold. Not charming or sweet anymore. just a whole other person in front of me – i told her that i was disappointed but she started to play the victim role, started “crying” because her uncle was sick so i huged her and told her that everything will be alright …
After that she just ignored me as i didnt even exist and we didnt even know each other. She was like a ghost. I had to watch her with the new guy in the cafeteria almost every day and on a company event kissing – this was the worst day of my life…
a few months later she did the same with the other guy and then started to have like casual sex with a bunch of other guys from the company.
Flirty with everybody and felt very important and proud of herself like she was a queen. Only surrounded herself with “high status people”.
Now she moved in with another guy from the company and got pregnant very very quickly (Fast forwarding).
Even if i blocked her on social media and changed the working place i know whats going on in her life because somehow its following me.
I felt the pain of my life and it took a very long time to accept and realize the fact that she only gamed me and monkey branched me.
It was a very traumatic experience for me and my biggest dream became my worst nightmare.
And even if i know that she is an evil and egocentrical person im jealous of her building up a family with another guy.
It broke my heart and its still broken because she was the only girl that i ever loved and i have to accept that she never loved me….
Now i do a life coaching for men to build up my confidence and hopefully to be able to trust and love again and to attract a mentally healthy girl..
Till now i only attracted the crazy ones…
I really get it. My husband and I loved a female narcissist like she was our daughter. Every once in a while one of us wants to give her a chance. The other one of us protests! We keep each other safe!
So great you do this for each other Heidi!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks Melanie. This reallt hit home because I’m a gay woman who was with a female narc for 20 years! We had a child together and (I thought) we had the best family.. I was the breadwinner and she was the one who gave birth to our wonderful daughter. Things were good for a fee years until my business got hit with unexpected taxes due to bad accounting advice. We had to scale back. Within a couple years she became distant and abusive verbally, and then the discard happened. She never looked back and I was left to pick up the pieces and raise our daughter, which I did, gladly but was broken for literally years. I haha faithfully watched your videos and they were a Godsend. My daughter NOW is married and I have a lovely 3 year old granddaughter and guess what? The narc has no contact with any of us and has been through many partners. Anyway, thanks so much because I am recovered and patiently experiencing life and waiting for the right person, I know I’ll find her! Bless you, Kate in California
Hi Kate,
you are very welcome and I am so happy for you that you are out on the other side.
Many blessings to you and your beautiful family.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you, Melanie. I do get it. ♡&☮︎
That’s so great Robert and you are so welcome!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Females use feminine charm. Males use masculine charm to appeal to and fortify their target’s weaknesses, followed by strategically withdrawing and re-imposing the charm as needed to get what they want. The target gets addicted to the narcissist and when then narcissist withdraws the charm, the target goes through withdraw symptoms and will do anything for the narcissist in order to get their insecurities shored up once again. It is like a drug addiction but instead of relying on a harmful chemical to shore up our emotional wounds, we rely on a harmful person and their narcissistic charm to do that. Melanie, you are so right on about taking responsibility for and healing our open emotional wounds ourselves. Once that is done, the emotionally injured no longer depend on anyone outside of themselves for their emotional bandaging which means emotional manipulators are powerless to the emotionally healed. In fact, healing one’s emotional wounds can undo other addictive behaviors as well.
Bang on Michael,
everything you wrote here is 100% the truth.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks for helping this world be a safer place!
Question : When a narcissist is in the first phase of being loving and caring towards their victim, do they actually have any real feelings of compassion and empathy going on inside of them?
Hi Mario,
It’s my pleasure!
They have idealising going on – obsession with the new acquisition.
This is not about love, tenderness and compassion – it is about ‘you take me away from my wounds and prop up my False Self and that grants me relief from myself.’
There is a huge difference between these egoic reasons for connection and genuine love.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I always watch your videos when they pop up on youtube- they have helped me very much to get myself together again, and this one about Female narcissists is amazing. I m 67 years old, and never dreamt that I could be damaged so badly. I ended up having a stroke afte the break up, and then went back for more punishment. I have not been in contact for 8 months and am not intending to fall into the trap again.
Thank you for being a great help in my recovery.
Regards
Charles
Awww Charles,
I am so sorry you went through that and have suffered so badly.
That’s great you are honoring you and never going back again.
Sending you ongoing healing and breakthroughs!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Mel. I believe I get it. I’ve watched many of your videos, and viewed some webinars. Thank you so much for your help, and support. This particular video described my ex girlfriend’s narcissistic behavior eerily to the letter. I am stuck on trying to figure out who I was dealing with. I appreciate your point about getting away from focusing on that, and start focusing on healing my internal wounds. It’s so blatantly obvious to me…now… who she is. It’s just SO hard to accept. I’ve learned the fate of the narcissist is not good, and my heart goes out to her. It hurts me terribly to think unhappiness is her ultimate future. I’d never wish that on anyone. I know I need to accept her fate is not my responsibility. I’ve learned through you, I can only help myself heal, and determine my own fate. Thank you for helping me realize that.
Hi Lou,
That’s great you get it!
Please know Lou when you start healing within, then all that you are confused and struggling with, including these feelings of responsibility towards her, will be completely reconciled – truly.
Trying to work it out in our heads, rather than doing the inner work is the long, arduous way around that continues emotional suffering, rather than resolving it.
I can’t suggest to you NARP enough – you truly could be starting to get relief, true clarity and freedom today – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
What about when a female narc targets a male narc for a relationship? Do they manipulate each other? I call this “trash taking itself out”???
Hey Survivor,
There would have to be egoic stuff to get from each other.
Thankfully when we heal and move forward into conscious and healthy relationships, we really don’t care!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Female narcissists tend to the covert, vulnerable, introverted form of narcissism, which aligns with your observation that they, as a woman, seek to reduce insecurity. They have a covert mask, of appearing to be caring and humble, around the false self narcissistic mask. Many male Ns are taking up this form too, such as Joss Whedon’s, Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator and director, mask of feminism, which allowed him to sleep with more women.
The more usual combination would be a narc (male or female) with a codependent. The narc suffers from an extreme form of codependency. This is why sometimes a codependent will start asking himself ‘Am I the narcissist?’ Mel has a separate episode on this very question, with guidance on telling the difference: basically if you have a conscience and are capable of empathy, you are not a narc, but you may well be in a relationship of codependency with a narc. It is incredibly hard to tell the difference: when I am being viciously demeaned and criticized, having at one time been for her ‘a marvelous man’, but now being the scum of the earth and not worthy to cross her threshold, I internalize the criticism, and come to believe that all the fault lies with me. Or, “I am bad bad bad”, “I am not enough”, “I will always fail (in relationships)”. Since most people, especially if they are codependent, have some narcissistic traits (but most are not pathological), some of her criticism is valid, which makes it all the more difficult to distinguish who is and who isn’t displaying narcissistic behavior at any given moment in the relationship.
Melanie
This is the best video ever I have read written by anyone. You have nailed it.
Huge amount of information here. If anyone reads this and they can’t take it all in at first read, then keep this article and re-read it over years (yes, years) if necessary UNTIL EVERY CONCEPT MAKES SENSE without having to think about it.
Thank you!
Also your recent article which posed the question: Whether the narc can leave a relationship and walk away and never look back or think about it?
Well, I read this question you posed and shouted YES out loud.
Very telling for me because after a 21 year marriage, and after 9 years recovery it was oh, so painful, to realize in the deepest of ways, that the whole thing never meant even the tiniest bit to him.
So hard for me to grasp that a human could be so cruel. I read this and pondered the answer without a twinge of pain on my part. But what was happening is the deepest level I have ever experienced of integration of this truth.
Hi Jojo,
thank you I’m so pleased this deeply resonates with you.
Also, I really want you to know Jojo that when you start working at the inner subconscious level then information, like this, does not have to be reinforced to slowly filter down into your subconscious inner being. It can go BANG and truly drop into place as ‘beingness’ rather than something you have to keep reading.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar and experience QFH (my healing system) regarding this.
It is totally my preference for everyone here that they get healed up (from within) so powerfully that they never NEED to come back to my articles, because what I share becomes solidly anchored “I AM’ truth inside.
That is the level of Quantum healing available to all of us now
Come here with me to experience this: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie. I cry with everyone of your videos, because they ring so true to me. Unfortunately, this video resonates deeply with me, and at the present time, as I had suffered from a narcissistic relationship for 20 years. Finally broke away, and now, unfortunately, I have a 19 year old daughter, living with me, who is a narcissist. Everything you mentioned today describes my daughter. Many heated arguments have arisen between myself, and her, and she walks away, every time, like nothing has happened. I often am left perplexed at how cold and heartless she can be, not only with me, but with my other children as well. I am in the early stages of your NARP Program, and I am so grateful for this amazing program, and your beneficial videos. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a lifesaver to a once drowning me. I have become stronger and more resilient with myself, and am discovering and peeling back a lifetime’s worth of layering upon layering, that became a huge concrete pillar inbedded within. I have suffocated and buried my true authentic self for so long, that I became a permanent little speck in the background. Thank you Melanie – you have saved my identity. I am not this little speck anymore.
Aww, Anne,
so much love to you!
Thank goodness you are working with NARP and that you have the incredible NARP Community there for you.
I hope that you are in the NARP Member’s Forum so that we can support you?
You are doing so well and you should be so proud of you! http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Much love to you and yours
Mel 🙏💕💛
This is “spot on”.
As I continue healing my inner trauma revealed to me by the ex and continue to practice self love through quality self care practices and honor who I am at core level then the abusers simply aren’t my reality.
I needed to recover myself sufficiently to be strong enough to let go of the one narcissist who was supposed to be my knight in shining armor but instead was the vampire of my light. Attached to letting him go was the deepest emotional and spiritual wounds from my childhood. I hoped fixing him would fix my childhood that I was too young and weak to fix back then. However, I learned even as an adult I couldn’t fix another person! That means I couldn’t fix the key players of my youth either.
I sat with the feelings and held my inner child closely while saying I couldn’t leave the narcissists as a child because survival depended on it. However, now survival no longer depends on appeasing the unappeasable. Letting them go will not mean that I won’t survive. It means I no longer have abuse as my reality! Period.
Recently a woman I knew many years ago re entered my life. At first it seemed like a long lost soul mate. I listened as she shared her life’s experiences with me, and I felt safe opening up with her. But something slowly began to creep into the sharing. I brushed it aside at first thinking they were “little glitches”. Soon though all he’ll broke loose! Everything I shared became food for her to criticize. She showed her true colors! I responded, and did not react. I told her that I do not accept another’s projections of unowned hurts. Period. And. I told her I need to stop communicating because the relationship isn’t safe. I wished her well. That was it. It was easy.
The next day another woman with whom I was working with appeared to be a promising situation. Again, there were glitches. I decided to take a more protective stance in what I shared pulling back to protect myself. This ended up being a good thing as by the forth month her true colors poked through the initial facade. She was another abuser who passed on her unowned stuff. I let her go after telling her my truth. It was easy.
Both of these situations came back to back. I believe they were a gift from universe ( God ) in which I could practice letting go of abusive people without trying to please them or win their approval or even explain myself to them. In telling my truth with love instead of reacting I gave them the highest gift. How they can receive it isn’t mine to know.
How did letting them go “feel”? I realize it felt liberating and loving! I felt free! By naming and owning feelings I connect to myself.
Also, after breaking no contact several times with the once knight in shining armor armor I finally was able to go no contact this time without giving notice. At times when I feel an intense sense of longing for him akin to feeling acute withdrawal I quickly remind myself about the reason I chose to go no contact. Staying with the reality instead of fantasy with his face attached helps. I sit with the longing until an early childhood memory surfaces that is a match to how missing him feels. And I work at it there until I can soothe the discomfort using an assortment of tools in my tool kit.
No longer to I hold onto false hope that maybe if I hang in there love deeply wounded people will o get what I need from them. I can partner with myself and provide what I need through the Source within ( Love, light, truth, God, higher power ).
Healing my inner rounds means I won’t react but respond. It means I am less likely to hurt another through my wounds. I ask the same from anyone whom I allow in my life. Safe no longer is associated with abusers who appear promising in the beginning only to reveal the “dark side” when they no longer can sustain the mask that covers it.
As the old drops away I am comfortable with the one person who will never abuse or abandon me; I found myself. I am finally at home. Home is a place within. No longer do I need to look for it beyond myself.
The false is no longer my reality. Truth, love and light are. Healthier boundaries helps keep “me” inside and the unhealthy stuff that isn’t mine “outside”.
The valuable effort I spent in search of myself is how God ( source, light, love, higher power ) pursued me. It was an act of true love.
Thank you for your beautiful work helping to enlighten in a world so much in need.
Dorothy
Being authentic is the shield that keeps those who aren’t away.
Hi Dorothy,
thank you for your powerful, poignant and so authentic share.
You are an amazing lady and sending you continued blessings and breakthroughs.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I really got it.
I GET IT, but I need to keep being reminded to heal. Cant wait for the webinar tomorrow.
It will help so much Katie!
Cheers
Mel 🙏💕💛
I GET IT, but I need to keep being reminded to heal. Cant wait for the webinar tomorrow.
Best video ever. Awesome. Thank you Mel.
Leonie
Melbourne
Yah, wow…
It’s so sad,…
I know me. I knew them, until other creatures appeared. I flush them; but, they flushed my Ma, and both sides of my family, extended.
I guess, I’ve been a “Bad” guy, my whole life, in all these peoples heads. It all figures now!
You are correct. Beyond, figuring it out, what they are, and how, and how far, and not… on and on… then, it is a waste of time, to continue, where their Hives are, and where they Swarm!
Now, I go pick up chicks in a beater car or motorcycle, and goofy clothes. No one gets to the big house anymore. LOL I have a dump!
Why?
I want someone who loves me! I will love the right one; but, I need one, whom truly loves me!
Nothing else matters then.
I’m moving on!
Thanks, Melanie
Giovanni Joseph
Hi Giovanni,
I’m glad this helped give you some clarity.
Mel 🙏💕💛
So great you enjoyed Leonie!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel,
I think my adult daughter is a narcissist as she can be incredibly nasty. How do I know for sure?
This may help Colleen,
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-my-adult-child-a-narcissist-when-helping-them-is-hurting-you/
Mel 🙏💕💛
One BIG difference is the
SSSSSSdTate is not on the male side of narcissism.
But is on the womens side.
?
?
Great timing again Mel,
I was just moduling today and dug up a memory of someone that I thought was my best friend some years ago. I thought she was the most loving and amazing friend.
The wound was from when she first showed who she really was; I was shocked and in cognitive dissonance. I immediately came down with a parasitic infection beyond all belief (it’s too bad I didn’t know about narcs back then). I watched her discard person after person and charm men and women alike!
We have been no contact for 9 years.
Today was the first time that I acknowledged her narcissism and here we are on a female narc blog!
Clarity!
Thank you for all of your good work so that I can take charge of my own healing.
NARP is such a blessing
Love,
Flame xxx
Hi Flame,
Wow what a synchronicity!
Much love to you darling.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, I think this is one of your most helpful articles yet! Then again, I have thought that about many of your other publications. I think it has to do with timing; so many times over the past 2.5 years since I discovered you, I have come across exactly what I needed when I needed it most. Thank you. I get it…finally!
Hi Sara,
I love that you get it.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I know several female narcissist as I am ideal target for toxic ppl. My husband’s ex-girlfriend, best friend and primary object of triangulation epitomizes the female narcissist. She is on her fourth or fifth marriage and each union has been the result of an adulterous affair. She loves married men and destroying homes. This person has destroyed families using her physical appeal and the premise that she can provide a better home life to unsuspecting targets. While she maintains her destructive personal life she has managed to keep a reign on my husband throughout our marriage by assuring him that they have a life long friendship however asking him why they never got together now and again. She and my husband are inverted, cerebral narcissists who render pain in one another’s lives disguised as friendship. I have asked why they won’t just hook up with one another but I get excuses about wanting to preserve their friendship. They’ll allow me to think that there is no fear of them having feelings for one another then the cycle begins again…they’re thinking about getting together again. I’m finally leaving so I have no idea of their status now that they don’t have me as a variable in their abusive equation. I imagine he is preparing another object of his abuse to meet his lifelong partner in crime.
Oh Mo,
so much better for you to leave this toxicity behind.
Sending you strength, love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it…thanks a lot Melanie for being u and helping people out who dealt with narrasit parasites.al
I get it Melanie!!!!!
Thanks Mel, I get it!
I especially get after the wedding of my eldest grandie a couple of weeks ago when I suddenly realised my eldest daughter is a Narc just like her father. I have said to my family and close friends for many years how much she does things to me like her father used to but an incident over the wedding weekend opened my eyes to the fact that what I was saying about her was exactly what he used to do to me.
I used to call them “moments” when she would go absent and then when things got in her life’s way back she’d come like nothing happened because to her it wouldn’t have happened… it was all MY fault, end of story.
I haven’t spoken to her since 15 minutes before the Ceremony and I don’t intend bothering until she approaches me again, as she will because she’s already tried her sister who gave her the usual brush off as would her brother if she tried him, so that leaves her nobody else however I will now be very circumspect in my dealings with her, she will not get me ever again as this has been going on since she was 16yo and she’s now 53yo, enough is really enough! Thank heavens the other 2 aren’t like her as she’s just like her father and his mother.
After I made a very rude remark to her, fortunately only my youngest daughter and her family who know the situation where nearby so nobody was offended by me, she didn’t bother to come near me for the rest of the proceedings but it felt so wonderfully freeing to know I didn’t need to put up with that stupid behaviour ever again, never have to sob myself to sleep wondering what I’d done/said/thought or anything else… goodbye to heartbreak…. amazing!
I have just started the NARP Programme so I’m hoping that the residual rubbish from the 2 of them and other Narcs that have appeared in my long life gets dissipated and I can get on with enjoying my life and recouping some of he losses along the way so I can afford to travel again, marvellous.
Thanks for allowing me t see the real truth about this daughter Mel because if I hadn’t been following you I would still be in that dark miserable place regarding her.
I read you may elect to help people on pension by way of having a small percentage of programs you might be able to donate. Can I put my name down for one of these if I qualify?
Kind regards
Rosie
Hi Rosie,
you certainly can.
Please email my support team at [email protected] and tell them you would love to apply for NARP sponsorship
Lots of love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for Video on how to spot I narcissistic woman. It’s been 4 years since My divorce was final from my ex narc. My question is the following: My ex is a mental health therapists. Is it common for therapist To have NPD?
Hi Frank,
It’s my pleasure.
N’s are in all walks of life, but yes absolutely I have found this to be common!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Mel,
As narcissists are everywhere there must be some out there right now following your work.
We know Narcs are extremely cunning, greedy, vindictive chameleons who lie, lie, and LIE. As they don’t have human empathy they’re always mining and reciting the emotional response of real humans determined to hide their vampire selves.
My question; what happens when a narcissist does your course and studies your videos? We know they can’t heal so does this information only serve to make them better more successful professional parasites, and ultimately more dangerous emotional terrorists?
Hi Austen,
Great question!
Here is the thing N’s don’t genuinely ‘do’ my Course – they don’t meet their inner wounds and heal them up with NARP. (I wish they did, for them, genuinely transform and heal!) And there is NO power from NARP unless you do the Course for real http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – it is not a logical or information Course. It is a Course that deeply releases you from trauma and evolves you beyond it.
Therefore no matter what the ‘act’ or ‘knowledge’ they will still come undone and be triggered and react if we show up powerfully honoring ourselves.
No N is going to take time to hook up supply – when we are taking ours.
No N is NOT going to crack if questioned, or boundaries are inserted, or we check out the ‘off’ feelings we are having (and we still DO no matter what the ‘act’!)
No N can get you to drop your values and rights when you are willing to lose it all (that person and deal they were pretending to be) rather than yourself.
It makes NO difference who they ARE or AREN’T being.
Do you truly understand this?
NO false Self can succeed if we are being our True Self.
Additionally, there is NO real ‘them’ – there is only ‘us’ attracting and playing with the parts of ourselves that are aligned and the ones that aren’t and are still handing our power away because of our unhealed parts.
If we want N’s out of our experience then the only way is to heal up and be aligned … that is it.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Melanie! I get it!
As a gay female it’s great to see the female narc getting attention. Some are real wiley critters! The proverbial wolf in sheep‘s clothing. They are thrilled with you until you stop playing along. then you’ll gradually be devalued and everyone else in the world becomes better/more interesting than you…eventually they will find themselves a new clueless victim and you’re out(unless you leave first).
Also, Related to toxic female -have heard a bit of a theory that Borderline PD Could really just be narcissistic personality disorder “lite” /a lessened stigma to label women with. A large percentage of borderlines diagnosed are female. Most of the characteristics of BPD and NPD are similar excepting mainly borderlines allegedly have empathy. however if they really do -why do they keep doing what they do? They’re not healing themselves -they’re not able to. They don’t care.
One reason for this -(again a theory) is that the mostly male psych People who came up with the DSM /etc had a (Natural/ingrained) bias against accepting that females could be capable of such callous and cold behavior of nPD because females are the stereotypically the nurturing, caring, empathetic caretakers of our world. And that would just ? Not fit their world view. Or many other’s world view. I don’t really know the history of how the DSM and the cluster B disorders were determined but it sounds kind of plausible.
in any case female narcissists may be able to get away with more -with men especially- since In Western society men are kind of taught that women are from a different planet and they are high maintenance and they are fickle. It’s a woman’s prerogative “ right?
women are expected to be vain, concerned with their appearance and also overtly caring and honest and loving and warm.
My ex came across somewhat like that- At first- but my intuition never really bought it. Things just rang hollow it was almost like she was reciting from a Hallmark card -in fact that’s one of her charms- giving gifts and greeting cards. Very sweet- however the actions in the actual relationship were not too great.
I think human intuition can sniff out lying and fakery..but one must not let cognitive dissonance interfere where we begin ignoring the red red flags. many of us want to overlook those red flags when we’re hoping that this is the one!
Anyways -thank you for listening and helping all us out! -love your work.
Hi Kathleen,
I’m glad this validated you.
I agree that female N’s can be quite sugar-coated and sweet in their demeanor and of course dismissed more easily than men.
Again, it does always get back to us being the generative force of our own experience, willing to live to our values, intuition and life truths, rather than hand power away,
Then no matter how subtle or confusing an N is, or how many excuses there may be for them, they just aren’t a healthy happy match for us and we truly are whole enough to move on. And the same goes for any person or deal in our life that isn’t ‘right’ for us, given who we want to be or experience.
When we are whole enough, then it becomes truly irrelevant about who the other person is other than ‘you just aren’t a match for me and my life and that’s all I need to accept and know.’
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I really DO get it!! Thanks so much.
My pleasure Rhonda,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
All I have to BE is supremely authentic, truthful and powerful within myself. Man, it’s liberating. It’s awesome! It’s such a relief to just BE myself!
Melanie, I cannot believe I read these “your” words tonight.
I had written an email, very cathartic indeed and I wrote to x partner….and it’s precisely how I ended my email.
I’m not playing charades anynore, I’m authentic again and liberated.
Yay….tis’….so amazing. So glad I found you Mel a big MWA.
It’s taken 6 months in the fog and stormy weather…currently in the throws of selling my house, purchasing a new one, all is grand inside and out, both for my daughter and I.
Love and light to ALL.
Hi Joh,
bless and I am so pleased for you that you are being YOU.
Big Mwah back!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I recognize a lot from my last relationship. Once she had me and she knew I loved her, the devaluing started little by little and in the end the inevitable discard.
After the discard I was in a lot of emotional pain. How could a person that was once so sweet & kind, be so cruel? The cognitive dissonance was killing me. I felt like a shell of a person, completely emptied and thrown away. I gave myself a lot of blame and felt abandoned, rejected. This made clear that I had some deep, unresolved pains from my childhood, where the same feelings were triggered.
Slowly the fog disappeared and now a few months later, I can see her for the person she is, all the little & big devaluing things became more clear. It doesn’t matter how sweet, kind, understanding, funny,.. you are as a person, in the end you will get discarded.
I’m 8 months out now. I still think about her and have good & bad days, but the focus has shifted from I want her back to I want to forget her, to be indifferent to her.. And I hope I can get there soon, I’m really tired of thinking of her. I want to focus on me and my life. But the trauma still has me hooked. My intention is to stay no contact indefinitely and keep healing, one day at a time. Thanks for your work, it’s really helpful to know we are not alone in this.
Hi Tom,
I am so glad that you know you are not alone and supported.
It is powerful that you realise that the wounds have been in repeat and the true solution is healing the original wounds.
Have you started working with NARP? If not, it is the fastest most complete way I can ever recommend to get that work done http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you healing and profound and fast breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I am on a counselling course and a Narc has popped up here in training.
How they got through screening …..well reading this now I think I have an idea.
I am being targeted relentlessly, its so difficult when you are encouraged to bare your all and then it is turned against you….any ideas how to cope?
They have now targeted mine and the Tutors clothes, anyone ever had that?
Am thinking this is False Self behaviour…. empty so copy me ….?
Worrying …..How can they possibly counsel others?
Hi Suzie,
yes they can slip through any cracks really.
Suzie this is about speaking up and having boundaries.
N’s always hit the places within ourselves where we need to grow and develop.
What is it that you need to say to keep yourself safe and whole?
That is the answer to this.
Something like ‘When you say that I am feeling uncomfortable and would prefer that you do this is a way that is kinder, (or whatever you need to say and ask for).’
If you do this with authenticity and power and calm, then the N has to comply or unravel and make a fool out of themselves.
The truth is they will usually comply and then go hit an easier target – if you just stick at what you want and refuse to get dragged down a narcissistic rabbit warren with them (which is what they TRY to do!)
This is not about them and their counseling ability (that’s not your business) – this is about you and your evolution.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I got it Melanie. I have a new, fabulous love in my life and she exhibits all the living traits of my last live who is a full blown covert malignant narc, and who has an uncanny similarity to her, however, she is not a narc. It is uncanny!! The big difference. There is no drama- none!! No flirting, no sarcasm, only real true amazing love!!!! How wonderful heaven on earth is!!!!
I’m very pleased you are happy now Tom.
Bless 🙂
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it…. thanks for a great video it really hits home .
Cheers Dave – that’s awesome!
Mel 🙏💕💛
After 4 years of confused hell I feel like I’m just getting my feet under me. I started reading about Narcissists (malicious, covert, etc.) and anitsocial BPD in my 30’s. You’d think I’d have known better by 69 to find my life in ruins…family…oh my sadness and disbelief realizing the extent that one’s own mother and sisters could wrought such devastation in the life of a daughter and sister. I knew they were narcissist but held no reality to the extent they would go to in trying to destroy me…it was shocking…life altering.
I always knew I was a survivor…i always knew I was different than them. I struck out on my own at 25 asking for no help from my wealthy family because I didn’t want to live under the unspoken rules that went along with receiving financial compensation in return for ‘being their mirror, their false love, enmeshed unhealthy shit. I didn’t have much…but I did have the beginning of a great career.
I got married at 30 (never planed on meeting someone I felt such love and safety with…a good man). I was quite content with my career path (oooo…jealous Mom?). Meeting this wonderful man whom I married 8 months later wasn’t in my life’s plan. I had no playbook for marriage and eventually a family…but I figured if I did everything the opposite of what I had grown up with…that could work. And it did. We had nothing much financially…pay check to pay check. However (I lived geographically far from family) I would be called upon to go help my mother when health situations arose. My sister’s, too busy with their important lives and assuming my life wasn’t THAT important, called upon my help…i stupidly would put on my ‘kevlor’ suit and travel to help. It would always happen…i would always cut my trip to help her short. Leaving early every time. It would just be so unbearable. My sister’s hated her and I would always go…do my best…never good enough.
I went no contact after my last call to help her ended in catastrophe. She did the usual smear but it went extreme. Calling my son’s and husband 5 times a day telling them I had stolen her jewelry. I hate jewelry. In retrospect why were the police never called? Stupid me. I had her blocked then she resorted to snail mail which upon reading I would burn in the driveway…ooops (could have used them for the lawyers and my sister later).
She stated she was going to have me arrested for Grand Theft and added…’that is 9 years in prison young lady’…
Having had enough I planned on filing an order of harassment against her but wanted to make contact with her to let her know I was going to do this. I called…got voicemail…said in a monotone voice ‘I need to speak with you. I am filing an order of harassment against you and want to speak with you first. I am so ashamed of you. My father would be so ashamed of you (we weren’t allowed to call him our father…only her husband). I am the best thing that came out of your womb. Call me.’ I placed this call at noon her time…she died of a stroke in her sleep that night at the age of 96.
Oh my…to cut this short…ha ha…my younger narc sister POA…stole the entire estate. Bank accounts…trusts (except for my father’s separate trust of which I received 12,00.00 dollars…my immoral sister (oh worth 2 million anyway) took the rest totallying about 500 thousand…maybe more.
It isn’t about the $$…its about ‘how do these people get away with this’. Never in a million years would I have expected such hate and disregard. It has affected so much of my life and health. Intellectually I get it…emotionally, I’m working on it and making progress. I am finally finding an ‘open space’, though unsettling, I am one courageously stubborn survivor…and not at all the person I used to be.
This disorder should be scientifically erased from the genes…however its roots lie in the narcissists own incredibly unhealed childhood wounds.
Yes. They don’t care…never will…you are not real and neither are they. Acceptance is sometimes so brutal.
I’ve been long. If you got this far thanks for reading.
ONWARD!
Hi Melanie!
This is little bit off topic, and I hope this is not too much a personal question, but I’d be curious to know how was your relationship with your parents, when you were a child? Were they abusive or somehow “weird”? And how is your relationship with them now as an adult woman, when you have healed the trauma, is your relationship with them better?
If it’s a “long story”, maybe you could write a blog post about it? 🙂 I’d love to read!
My relationship with my mom has been difficult, distant. It hurts to say that. I’ve been living in kind of denial. But when I have examined the “case”, all my adult relationships (including 2, possibly even 3, n’s!) have been an exact replica of that relationship! Isn’t it “amazing” how that happens! :/
You say we should not waste time trying to figure out who other people are. I agree but…After the n abuse, I’ve been observing my all relationships with kind of like with a magnifying glass….some people, including some family members clearly behave in abusive, or at least not always so respecting, ways.
As one healer said, when we heal, it usually happens that then people start to treat us differently (better), they “respond” to us differently. I’m little bit confused, I’m not sure how to know the difference…Well, someone like a n will never treat me better even if I would do all the healing work in the world. But then some other people who might behave badly might change then, when I change (heal) first. I’m in this healing process currently (and have nothing do to with the ex n’s anymore), so it will be interesting to see how it’s going to be…(whether these family members will change accordingly etc.)
Hi TE,
no I’m fine with this question.
In my book ‘You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’ I talked about this … http://www.youcanthrivebook.com
My parents were pretty much like most – stuck in survival, unavailable emotionally and often unconscious!
Yes, my childhood did have an impact on me. I also struggled for many years to have a close and trusting relationship with my parents.
After healing I changed and was able to speak up, be honest and ask for what I wanted and also have boundaries regarding certain things.
I also healed a great deal of the pain and charges that were causing ‘funk’ between us.
My relationship with them changed beyond description, even though my parents were in their elderly years when I started doing this work.
Other family relationships also healed beyond description as well.
I also was willing to lose it all to get it all. If certain people hadn’t stepped up to honour me healthily I was absolutely prepared to move on without them.
The difference is this – us. It doesn’t matter whether people say ‘yes I will treat you better’ or not. Instead, we get very clear and steadfast on what is true and real for us and what we will or won’t accept – and people will either meet us there or they won’t. Either way, we get to live our truth.
I have seen many people in the NARP Community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp create different relationships with even N parents, whereby there are firm boundaries such as ‘If you start your crap I hang up or leave” and the N parent respects them because they have no choice. They will never have a healthy relationship that is kind and caring, but at least it is a low-level non-abusive one, which is a far improvement.
The other difference that happens when we heal is no longer do we NEED other people to treat us a certain way to be whole. We don’t try to get levels of relationships that simply don’t exist.
Please know when you start healing deeply with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp all of this starts to organically come online, both as inner awareness and wisdom as well as outer shifts with people.
We stop having to try to ‘work it all out’.
Does this help?
Mel 🙏💕💛
Oh gosh, it really helps! Thank you so much, I really appreciate you took time to explain all this! I feel relieved. I think there are so many stereotypes re. families, that are causing the pain/confusion…like “mothers are always loving and cuddly, of course family members are naturally close to each other” etc. Then when this isn’t the case, I’ve felt horrible, like there’s something wrong with me, like it’s some “dirty family secret” that my relationship with my mom is so unhealthy. But it’s good to know I’m not alone in this!
*The other difference that happens when we heal is no longer do we NEED other people to treat us a certain way to be whole.
– Yes, but I’d like to add to this, that abuse is never acceptable. Maybe that’s what you were saying with this one: If certain people hadn’t stepped up to honour me healthily I was absolutely prepared to move on without them.
I think this was an excellent (also kind of sad) point:
*They will never have a healthy relationship that is kind and caring, but at least it is a low-level non-abusive one, which is a far improvement.
I think I’ve had this eternal longing, both the child me and this adult me…like waiting for the mother to finally show up “as mother”, the one who really connects and understands, cares etc. for me, but yeah, that might never happen. But like you said, if the relationship at least becomes somewhat “neutral”, abuse free…that is at least a far improvement. I guess I must be satisfied with that.
Hi T.E.,
I am so gla dthi shelped.
Please know hun when you heal inside of you that trauma of what was missing and hurt, you will become the completely whole source to self – and uplevelled into an incredible reality whereby not only is there no longer a wound there, you will be connecting with self, life and others in ways that do provide what you dearly wish.
Truly… Check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – It gets you there!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Mel,
I want to just say “thank you “for all your hard work, care and sensitivity with which you put together these videos. I also agree with the emphasis that you put upon us to heal our own wounds. I admit, it is so much easier to focus on the person who has NPD. But the only thing I really have any control over is what happens in my internal world. It’s good for me to be continually reminded of that. Thank you. MaryAnn
Hi MaryAnn,
thank you for your kind words and please know how welcome you are.
What you have said is so true dear lady!
It is the only way up, out and through!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Interesting reading many of these comments.
While I was listening to your video I was thinking, “Would any of your suggestions have stopped me from engaging in a relationship with my covert narc ex?” Sadly, probably not. My fault entirely, as I was simply not suspicious enough about all the red-flags from her past. Instead, I chose to fall for her seemingly loving and focused attention, her over-the-top love bombing texts and Hallmark card proclamations, her affectionate and overly-agreeable demeanour, etc. I also believed I was the answer to her lack of direction and isolation. My previous empathic/co-dependent personality raised its naive, but egoic head too high!
And when her facade started to melt away and I began to feel like the 2nd, 3rd, 4th option behind her schooling, career, gym time, etc. etc., I wish I had been more suspicious about her intentions. I believe she was having affairs, certainly carrying and developing new relationships (online mostly) with married men, despite only being in our cohabiting relationship for only a few short years.
And yes, at the end she went through all the predictable Narc stages of Devalue, Deny, Lie, Lie, Lie, Refocus the problem as my own shortcomings, (her first excuse was that I had left too much water around the bathroom sink…), Try to explain her actions with completely nonsensical logic, fail to offer any real apology or plan to change, Gaslight aplenty, and move so shockingly easy into Discard mode as she left for good.
In reflection, had I been a stronger individual, I would have smelled a rat long before I overheard her on the phone with other men, or watched her lustily lead a gym buddy into his bedroom. Her increasingly aloof, careless manner, and inability to answer my questions with more than “I don’t really know why…” etc. should have been reason enough for me to move on. I simply put all my eggs in one basket and believed I had to be successful with this relationship – that I’d never get the opportunity to be in another one that started out so seemingly magical and promising.
It’s taken close to two years now, dating then running from a series of more obvious covert and overt Narc beauties, before finding and being blessed to be part of a great new relationship this past year with a drama-free, big-hearted, dream-lady to help me realize much of what was missing in my past Narc relationship.
Much more to say, but wanted to share this and of course, thank you for your continued work. I haven’t done the modules for over a year, but think it might be time to go back with a new perspective and try them fresh.
I truly wish all Narc-suffering men and women a far less painful journey than I’ve had to travel, but then again, experience makes one far more grateful in the end, doesn’t it?
Hi Dave,
yes absolutely I have suggestions for all of us, including you, as I had to discover for myself.
Go inside and find the unhealed vulnerable part of you that is susceptible to staying hooked and returning to the abuse.
NARP is what does that for you. This is not a head game Dave, it is a deep inner subconscious one.
Get going again with your NARP Module work http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp Dave – that is where your emancipation is, and also come into the NARP Member’s Forum – and engage with us there for any needed support http://www.melanietoniaevan.com/member
Mel 🙏💕💛
Mel, this is a great episode, thank you. I get it! I posted a reply to an earlier comment by “Survivor”. It appears under his (or her?) post. But since it is further up and probably won’t be seen – and AFAIK anyone who comments here will not be aware of any replies to their post unless they scroll through the whole page of comments again, I am repeating it here:
Reply to post by ‘Survivior’ “What about when a female narc targets a male narc for a relationship? Do they manipulate each other? I call this “trash taking itself out”???”
The more usual combination would be a narc (male or female) with a codependent. The narc suffers from an extreme form of codependency. This is why sometimes a codependent will start asking himself ‘Am I the narcissist?’ Mel has a separate episode on this very question, with guidance on telling the difference: basically if you have a conscience and are capable of empathy, you are not a narc, but you may well be in a relationship of codependency with a narc. It is incredibly hard to tell the difference: when I am being viciously demeaned and criticized, having at one time been for her ‘a marvelous man’, but now being the scum of the earth and not worthy to cross her threshold, I internalize the criticism, and come to believe that all the fault lies with me. Or, “I am bad, bad, bad”, “I am not enough”, “I will always fail (in relationships) because I am flawed”. Since most people, especially if they are codependent, have some narcissistic traits (but most are not pathological), some of my ex’s criticism is valid, which makes it all the more difficult to distinguish who is and who isn’t displaying narcissistic behavior at any given moment in the relationship.
Hi Richard,
it’s my pleasure.
It’s very true the usual relationship with an N is with us – the codependents.
This article of mine goes deeply into this … https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-and-co-dependent-two-sides-of-the-same-coin/
Mel 🙏💕💛
My 11 year marriage to Ellen became a nightmare. Rarely did she help me with the kids or the chores of the household. Ellen signed the kids up for anything she could on after school activities. Then I had to transport them and many times had to help with the coaching.
Our house that I bought while I was single wasnt good enough. Ellen constantly complained about it. So after 10 years, we had a new home built. Ellen had an affair with the building supervisor. 6 weeks after the home was finished and we moved in, Ellen announced she wasnt happy, I could keep the kids and the house. Ellen further told me that she did not want to be a wife or mother anymore. Ellen soon moved into an apt with her new boyfriend.
After 2 months, reality kicked in. Ellen was tired of dealing with her boyfriend’s major health issues and tried to return home on her terms. I knew if Ellen moved back in, life with her would be worse than before. I said no. Ellen declared war on me and the kids.
Our divorce was finalized in 5 months.
Although I was the custodial parent, Ellen made visitation a nightmare. She used the kids as pawns to get back at me. She would return them to my home hungry, upset and often crying on Sunday evenings. She always tried to change the holidays’ visitation to benefit her. She refuse to call me but would use the kids as the communication line. This went on for 8 years.
When the oldest daughter turned 17, Ellen bribed her with a car to move in with her. 2 weeks after the bribery took place, Ellen dropped the bomb on the daughter and told her she would have to get a job to pay for the car, gas, maintenance, and insurance.
Both kids are married now. The oldest doesnt talk to me and has chosen to be like her mother. The youngest and I remain close. The two kids dont talk to each other since their mother plotted them against each other.
Amazing the damage specifically Narcs (and divorced parents in general) can cause on the lives of their kids. Wishing you and your children healing as each day passes. Keep the faith, DavidB.
Aww David,
I’m so sorry you and your children went through this.
Sending healing and love to all of you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it! I really do.
That’s awesome Andrea!
Mel 🙏💕💛
That’s .left my wife after 25 yrs for a female narc
Everything you said came TRUE ..3 yrs later
Really screwed my life up
In counseling now. 18 mts…Still cant believe how gullible I was
Gave her my sole.
She walked in 3 days when I confronted her.
OUCH
Sending you healing Gregory.
Bless you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks. I get it. Or should say I got it and then some. My abuse came from a covert altruistic narcissist. She owns a successful yoga studio and is publicly and outwardly all about love and light and spirituality and Namaste. I fell in love with that mask. Powerful quick romance, marriage and then WAM. What a ride. Two years after the explosive and violent ending I am still healing, but have done the work and will continue. Your videos and program have been a huge help. I’m now grateful. Not for the abuse. But for the wake up call to do my own healing around the deeper issues why I ignored my own instincts and betrayed my own deepest knowing. Not about blaming her or myself. Just awareness and a deeper commitment to Truth and to loving myself. But I do have a playful takeaway… “Beware of yoga teachers with silicon breasts and airbrushed promo shots.” Thanks again. .
Hi Bryan,
I am so happy that you are healing and will emerge from this even more self-partnered and whole than before.
Oh gosh! We certainly do receive from intimate relationships what is necessary to come home to ourselves.
Much love and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Bryan,
I’m sorry but this almost made me burst to laugh! “is publicly and outwardly all about love and light and spirituality and Namaste”.
My younger sister is bullying me. Disrespect, silent treatment for years. She is also been a long time into yoga, meditation etc. I was always so confused, shouldn’t this kind of a person be full of benevolence, good will, inner balance and therefore no need to project this negativity onto other people?? Apparently not, like your story shows. How odd.
“I’m now grateful. Not for the abuse. But for the wake up call”. How beautifully said! I could say exactly same about my n ex. Definitely the abuse is not okay…but the wake up call was pretty loud!
Mel,
This is SO true.
Sometimes the narcissist shows us where we are not healed even when we think we are. More work to do.
It’s tricky, because I think on some level every human being wants someone special in their lives to walk through life with, to lean on when times are tough, to make difficult decisions with, and mostly just to enjoy our beautiful days with. So sometimes it’s hard to distinguish whether our desire for companionship is healthy or “needy” and if it’s needy we’re looking for trouble. An old “N” walked into my life again recently one afternoon, and as you said, he was “lovely”…. warm, helpful, good listener, completely charming… and when one is alone in life it’s easy to get excited about that… the idea of having someone “lovely” in your life. And even though in the back (well more the “front”) of my head I’m saying to myself… “this is an act” it’s easy to get hopeful that they have changed. So…. I tested it…. as soon as he walked out I imagined he peeled the mask-of-lovely off and moved on to the next target du jour, so a couple of hours later I texted him a perfectly civil text that anyone (normal) would just respond to, especially if they were truly as lovely as he pretends to be…. and what do you think happened?
No reply. I had to laugh. Same old game. Nothing has changed. There was just a gap in his endless line of targets that afternoon as he was out filling the black hole.
But I was bummed that I was hopeful, cos this feels stupid, but I think part of it is that I’m alone most of the time… in fact, I’m probably a lot better at being alone than most people would be, but it makes me susceptible to being hoovered. More modules to do…. or maybe I should start collecting cats. LOL.
Hi DMJ,
what is so wonderful is that you DIDN’T fall for the same old tricks.
You are graduating! Yay!
Keep healing hun, you are on your way.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi DMJ,
I felt inspired to comment! Re. loneliness I would say better to be alone than in bad company! Desperation always attracts people who want to take advantage/abuse you (uff, I think this is what used to happen to me)
*So sometimes it’s hard to distinguish whether our desire for companionship is healthy or “needy” and if it’s needy we’re looking for trouble.
I was in a relationships course and the teacher talked about healthy needs vs. unhealthy needs. Unhealthy needs are those that come from childhood trauma, like “my partner needs to give me what my parents never gave me” (this surely equals “looking for trouble”!). But healthy needs are part of being a human being, like the need to be heard, seen, known, understood, love, be loved, physical touch….It’s okay and normal to have those needs! The teacher called them “healthy, holy longing”.
After doing so much inner work…I felt somehow ashamed that I would have any “needs” at all, because I was so scared to be needy…I was embarrased to admit that yes, actually I would like to have a boyfriend, a beloved…I felt myself somehow “cheap”…But now I see, that the idea of inner work/healing was never meant to be that we become “islands” and never want or need anything from anyone. It’s okay to to want to have someone with whom share the days <3 I think the whole point of this inner work, like narp is that we start to have real relationships, with the right person, for the right reasons=meaning healthy relationships 🙂
I do I really get it.
The process for me was to marry the father narc of my psychologist and at the right time she asked me if I wanted to live with her father and take care,of him.
I was on prescriptions she prescribed to help me deal with the death of my deeply loved husband who had early on set dementia.
I think now it was a carefully crafted trap.
My second husband died in 2015 and I am still in court trying to save my critters and my home.
Awww D’Anna,
sending you healing and strength and well wishes for you to remerge safe and whole from this.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Oh my…. this is something to take in and then reflect back on people.
But is it possible someone is displaying many tendencies of a NARC but is not one?? Are they some closely related personality disorder??
I noticed that many Asian women are like this… it is due to 1000’s of years of developing a survival strategy as Asian culture does not value women.
i have “a lot” of experience with Asians and their culture and with Asian Women. It is rampant with them and esp. overseas Asians.
Something to consider guys before getting involved.
I am still recovering after years of various relationships with narcissistic behavior. I’ve been married to two narcissist. My last marriage ended in 2012. I am still working with trust and trusting myself to who surrounds me in my life. I have even found I don’t trust the people I trusted before. I have to work very deeply with hyper vigilance. This really helped me because I have been concerned about even the female friendships that I make in my life the ones that have been very narcissistic and I have done very well putting them in categories on my shelf. I can say I probably have five at the most Authentic dear friends. I am happy with that because these relationships there’s no questions. We can talk. And that’s what I look for now in all my relationships. The only circumstances right now is that my roommate is a narcissist. A recovering narcissist at that but it has been a journey. It has really been a good lesson for me and stepping away, firm on my boundaries, And still being able to cohabitate. This person truly does work on themselves. They reflect on their actions for their comments and do come to terms… Even though it’s a new behavioral change for them it is very difficult. I just keep separating myself from their journey. I know it is strengthening me to learn how to detach from narcissist. I am using it as a tool. It might sound funny But it actually is helping me become stronger in the stepping away and not taking on someone else’s dysfunction. It has taught me to do that now with certain girlfriends. I can still have them in my life because I’ve known them for years with a different set of skills. Hard work and worth the journey!
like !!!
I do get it. Thanks for the video. I’ve been through your program and so grateful that I did. It saved me back in 2017 when I left the relationship with the narcissist. This is not a one and done program though. Those of us who have been involved with narcissists need to be aware the rest of our lives. Thanks so much. PH
Hi Penny,
it’s very true that evolution is life work – and so worth it!
It’s great you get it!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Over the years I have searched for information on female narcissism. I cannot find a story even remotely close to mine, but feel it is so important for people to understand that female narcissists are the most dangerous types and it is not always a wife or a girlfriend that fits this mold. I suffer from PTSD from the torture (that’s what our therapist calls it) she inflicted on me, my children and my husband. To give you a very brief synopsis of my story – the woman I dealt with was the wife of one of my husband’s childhood friends. She infiltrated my life, dressed like me, wore her makeup like me, called herself my sister, told me horrific stories about her childhood, gained information from me that I would never normally share, alienated me from friends, drove a smear campaign against me, had me come take care of two small animals (a hamster and a dog) who mysteriously died… and had an affair with my husband. It wasn’t until she accused my 4 year-old son of sexually improper play with her 5 year-old daughter that things finally came to an end with our ‘friendship’. She was sending both me and my husband (who she was still having an affair with) emails to our personal account and his work account accusing my son, saying she had taken her daughter to the pediatrician (because she was having trouble going to the bathroom from the so called incident, that she would sit on the toilet for an hour at a time screaming) and that CPS was going to be contacting us. My husband, at that point contacted an attorney. We were advised to take our son to a therapist who specialized in sexually abused children to have him evaluated. We were also advised to sever all ties with this woman and her children. A certified legalize type letter was sent and she was finally out of my life… at least I thought so. About 6 months or so past. She would chase me in her car if she saw me on the road. She left me a coffee and letter at my side door accusing me of not allowing her to be a good mother and asked me to stop punishing her. She keyed my car. She told me at a neighborhood function to “Get over myself.” She left me a huge housewarming basket with a card that was more of a love letter. This behavior continued until finally, one evening, my husband told me everything. We ended up in therapy 3x a week for at least a year and continued intense therapy for the next 3 years. Almost 11 years later we still visit the therapist who not only helped to save our marriage but helped to save us individually. I wish I had the patience to sit and write out the entire story, it’s unbelievable. Thank you for doing the work you do, it helps so much!
Oh Michelle,
You poor thing.
This is the makings of a movie even more sinister than Fatal Atteaction.
Sending you love and healing and please consider NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as it can free you from unthinkable inner trauma.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Omg I knew this female narcissist once. She was really into expensive cars and Ferraris. Guess she was trying to fill that hole! Also she thought that an environmentally friendly community oriented lifestyle was just so childish.
Dear Melanie: Wow! You hit the nail on the head. At first I thought she was totally into me. I was the center of her universe and the sex was amazing, and she seemed to be there for me during a tough time. Once I was hooked and was looking for intimacy and connection, her attention, affection and sex was doled out in ever smaller doses. After I read all your articles and watched your videos, and after lots of introspection, I realized I was her target, and I was my own problem. When you described the typical female target, that is/was me to a T. So long as I was providing her emotional security, she gave me little to nothing in return for it. As I read about establishing healthy borders, I realized I wasn’t very good at it. So I tried it. I was direct in telling her how my needs weren’t being met, and what I needed for those needs to be met (I wasn’t asking for much). She flew off the handle, projecting her issues on me (ie you’re so controlling etc…) and getting angry. After reading your articles, I was certain I hit the nail on the head and was dealing with a female narcissist. I’ve gone cold turkey no contact for three weeks, but it is really really (REALLY) tough getting her out of my head. I’m a work in progress. I realized I was dealing with childhood issues. As crazy as it sounds, girls didn’t find me attractive as a teenager, and I always felt I’m not worthy of their love and affection. The worst part about this is that when we were together, I felt like the demons of my past were gone. When I realized I was being used, all those old insecurities came rushing back and the rug got pulled out from under. What made it worse was the ease with which she just moved on. Talk about putting salt in an old wound. In short, thank you for all your posts and videos on the web. Knowledge is power. PS. I noticed that texting and surfing the web on my cell phone (and not showing or telling her with whom I was texting) in the narcissist’s presence drove her absolutely mad. Imagine an ego so fragile that 10 minutes of “secret” texting ticks someone off that much. When she wanted to text and read her emails in front of me, she could care less how much she ignored me, but when the shoe was on the other foot…watch out.
I am recently out of a relationship with a lesbian partner that has been so destructive it led me to discover about narcissism. As well as her accusing me of being a narcissist. I wanted to know more about it and explore in what ways I could be as I really didn’t know anything about it. I am still in shock to discover how many boxes are ticked, how many things I read and hear that describe her behaviour as narcissistic. I feel so conned and so taken for a ride and so damaged and broken. The last two years feel like a blur, a roller coaster, I just don’t know how I could let it go so far and get so caught up in such an unhealthy and abusive relationship. I am experiencing a lot of shame that I allowed her behaviour to continue and that I stayed as long as I did. (even fear and shame to be writing about it here) Everything you say is so sadly and scarily true to what I experienced it actually overwhelms me. I have been in an abusive relationship in my past with a male before and it was much more obvious and distinguishable. I would never have expected this was possible with a woman. I was so much more trusting and I feel utterly betrayed. I so agree with you that blaming is not helpful. I have a long way to go with my healing. The only way forward is to do my inner work. I have a great capacity for this even when I keep getting pulled under by this experience. I believe my soul chose this experience for me to learn once and for all to value myself, to learn and respect my needs and to align, create and choose only that which is for my highest possible good.
Hi Catherine,
hear, hear you sooo get it!
Catherine have you checked out NARP, it the fastest way I know of to get that specific inner healing done, and lose all pain, trauma and regret – as well as open up to your True Self and True Life,
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I look forward to you Thriving with your Tribe!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi, someone sent me your blog to read. Very interesting. I really never heard of or knew a narcissist until lately. So since I have this opportunity, thanks to the person who sent me this, can I ask you a question and get your honest opinion? Hears my question. Could a narcissist be a person who won’t leave you alone and does everything they can to try and make you miserable; who post on social Media negative things about you and puts all types of comments insinuating narcissist, along with sending videos like the red box with the Smith family, and other stuff like that and just won’t stop, is that the signs of a narcissist?
I have a daughter that is incarcerated and this woman reached out to her, then decided they should get married, so they did. But in 3 months the marriage was over. My daughter is still incarcerated and will be for life. Now the spouse or ex spouse now, seems to not be able to get over it. She posts day and night everyday things expressing her hate for my daughter or me. I never met her before but she calls me a narcissist and my daughter a narcissist. She is nonstop. She post things like we are narcissist, she talks about my religion, my family, the way I raised my kids, how I don’t care about my daughter that is incarcerated that’s why she is still there, she says my daughter threatened her and her daughter I life, she has reported her to the boards of pardons and parole, other inmates who know my daughter too, she’s reported them to the board of paroles, and this is like clock work. I’m just seeing this blog tonight. I was just checking my page when I saw it. So I thought, since she was nice enough to send it to me to read, why not ask you this question. As I said before, I never heard of a narcissist before until she started calling my daughter and me a narcissist. She says my daughter takes after me. Lol. Does it sound like I am a narcissist and maybe in denial or my daughter is? By the way, we don’t communicate with her at all. We don’t text her, call her, go on Facebook communicate with her. But she watches our every move and she knows what we post on our blog page of Facebook page. One last thing, she uses multiple names so we had to stop accept friendship request for fear it might be her. Am I a narcissist? Thank you for replying.
Your daughter is incarcerated on a capital murder charge which she was involved in. She sent a letter to her wifes apartment manager full of lies trying to get her and her daughter kicked out, trying to get in trouble with the law and not only that tried to get fired from her job. She tried to manipulate the apartment manager into believing her lies so they would contact police and arrest me on the liea she put in her letter. Jacqie Jeffley you read that letter now does that letter sound like someone mentally normal to do that. And you support her behavior and that’s why she’s at where she’s at on a sentence. The reason she’s in there and at a young age that she was when she got incarcerated is you… you left your child with homicide detectives to be grilled and interrogated for hours til she told her involvement. Your daughter has issues that yall are failing to see bc she wears different masks with different people. Certain people are not built to accept that behavior.
I am heartbroken. I am in a relationship where I can see the traits you highlight quite clearly. I just don’t want to believe it. I live in a foreign country and my girlfriend (of just over a year) is someone I have become scared of. I fear the constant conflict that seems to be around the corner. Her financial situation and professional relationships are mercurial at best. Her mother is an extreme Narcissist: (a little above Joan Crawford, but still…)
There was a huge attack around my birthday (a significant one, round number etc) and one of my friends was verbally eviscerated by her in a public way a few days afterwards in front of me, his wife and their young daughter. I was in total shock. I had witnessed her rage before and often but this was public and felt utterly unhinged, I was going to leave her then but softened after a few days. She seemed genuinely remorseful and had spoken to her therapist etc. But recently I have re-encountered a false narrative she had previously and remorsefully eschewed about one of the causes of the crisis. I feel lost. I doubt myself. I ask, maybe it’s me who is the Narcissist? I feel angry and confused at being presented by versions of events that just don’t match my memory of them. I feel drained. emotionally, physically, financially and mentally. The thing is she is in therapy and there are lucid periods but then something happens, really it could be anything (latterly, reading about political events in Iran etc) and a massive flare up of rage and fear overwhelms everything and I cannot put a foot right: Silence is acquiescence and not taking her seriously and talking about it is characterised as picking a fight. Reassurance is met with distrust and accusations that I am treating her with contempt. I am at a loss in these situations, and like some kind of emotional weather, the concerns vanish as quickly as they appear, leaving me reeling. I have never felt so alone.
I am writing here in this text box and don’t know what to do.
You are NOT crazy. I would suggest reading Melanie’s book- You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse. What you are describing is exactly what it feels to be in love with a Narcissist. You start to question if you, yourself are narcissistic. Just you asking yourself that means you are not. A true narc does not have those kinds of feelings. Read the book, go through the modules and understand what you are dealing with. Best of Luck to you!
Finally. Someone who spells out my ex wife! I’m no angel but OMG! This is true to a T.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Unlike a codependent who goes from one narcissist to another. It’s like narcs are part of a big crazy family though pit of snakes is more apt a description for them.
Everyone’s an upgrade when you’ve been used to the pathologically jealous crap of a narcissist.
Truthfully said Mel — I have seen it many times …thank you❤️
And codependents aka weak covert narcissists who create narcissists will humble brag how nice and giving (get you hooked) they are and feign wholesomeness by wearing sweatshirt hoodies to falsely seem not attention seeking.Dead and empty inside covert narcissists are not attractive because they are black holes.