Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcissistic Abuse – You’re Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 14
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

One of the most frustrating things about being narcissistically abused is that you are often told how bad, insensitive, selfish, uncaring and incompetent you are. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to do the right thing, the narcissist still finds fault with you.

If the narcissist in your life is / was a love partner – the relationship didn’t start that way.

In stark contrast you thought you could do no wrong with this person – in fact you couldn’t imagine them ever getting annoyed about anything.

Generally … that’s how narcissistic relationships kick off – as glorious and delightful.

If the person inflicting narcissistic abuse in your life is a family member, maybe you can’t remember anything but being demeaned and criticised … yet there may have been extremely confusing times when this family member knew how to turn on the charm to play you and get something from you.

And at these times you hoped that the abuse would stop and that this person really did love you and care about your wellbeing.

However the cycles of abuse and demeaning inevitably repeated all over again.

Why does this happen?

Why is the narcissist sometimes so wonderful, and then again rarely appeased for long, and incessantly finding fault with you?

That’s what I am going to explain in this article.

 

The Narcissist’s Reasons For Initially Idolising You Before the Demeaning Starts

The interesting thing about narcissistic abuse, in regard to the initial charm known as love bombing and the constant criticism (known as devalue and discard), in both cases the narcissist is a chameleon.

It really doesn’t have too much to do with his or her preferences – it actually has to do with what will hook you in the beginning the most, and what will hurt you as time progresses the most.

It’s all about getting a reaction and energy.

This is why it is pointless to try to work out why the narcissist wants this or wants that and how you can change whatever you are or aren’t doing to try to make the narcissist happy.

Because it actually has nothing to do with what you are or aren’t doing that is “fabulous” at the start, or “terrible” as time progresses – all of that is an excuse.

At the beginning of the relationship – or when love-bombing you and pulling you back into the fold – the narcissist has discovered what your “gaps” are.

The things you desperately want to hear to feel good and the things that “turn you on”.

This is what made you initially trust the narcissist, fall in love with him or her, and get excited about spending your life with this person. In regards to a family member narcissist or being love-bombed by an intimate partner narcissist after trying to break up with them – these are the exhibitions of “affection” that make you want to reconnect.

Narcissists are experts at manipulation. The narcissist very quickly is able to identify what you like, what your dreams are, and also what you missed out on that you would have dearly loved … what your childhood and other partners did not necessarily provide you.

These are the gaps that the narcissist fills in, and tragically set up so many people to be narcissistically abused.

And the narcissist will go out of his or her way to go beyond the call of duty to do the little and big stand out things that differentiate him or her from anyone else you have been out with.

Narcissists, initially and when love-bombing, are generally very demonstrative and incredibly charming. At these times the narcissist knows how to position him or herself as the “dream partner” especially tailored for you.

These are not attributes the narcissist has; this is all about how the narcissist knows how to play you.

The narcissist doesn’t feel real, and doesn’t even know who he or she is without narcissistic supply. But he or she certainly knows what it feels like to not be a real entity in his or her own body … the terrible gnawing of screaming emptiness, self-loathing and dire insecurity – the feelings of always being close to total emotional collapse without energy from the outside feeding his or her ego (False Self).

There is no True Self available to have preferences or to have a real identity – there is simply the dire need to get attention, acclaim, stuff, compliments, even other people’s negative emotions (this makes the narcissist know he or she is important enough to affect a person) so that the narcissist can escape being alone with him or herself as often as possible.

This is all about escaping an inner demonic void which is ever-present, that threatens to eat the narcissist alive.

Therefore the vital goal is: being whoever is necessary to secure you as a source of narcissistic supply.

The best way to do that is appear, as much as possible, to be everything that you want the narcissist to be.

The narcissist works out what you like, what you are drawn to … topics such as spirituality, intelligence, religion,  sexual attention, compliments, tenderness, big future plans, being cooked for, or even if you are prone to fixing people who have been victimised – the narcissist will incite your need for fixing.

Naturally the connection feels wonderful, you are having enough of your gaps filled to feel euphoric.

You may feel a sense of “wholeness” with this person, or even a sense of “coming home”. Many people report that for the first time they felt TRULY loved and safe.

This is the beginning – the dream days when you thought this was the perfect person and it would always feel this wonderful.

The narcissist seemed so accommodating, understanding and gentle – and you thought that you were both on the same side of the team.

But it didn’t last.

 

Acts Don’t Last

So why doesn’t this “wonderful” stage last – even if it is an act?

Because what is real cannot stand the test of time. The truth always comes out – and the truth is Dr Jekyll is an act.

The narcissist’s real self – the real inner being is Mr/Ms Hyde – a tormented self that is far from healthy, loving or capable of love.

And even at the beginning there are cracks – especially if you still retain your own interests, your own time and your own circle of friends (including members of the same sex as the narcissist) …

I promise you these are the people who flush narcissists out. These are the people who inherently know it is not healthy to do instant relationships, time is needed, and it is sensible to get to know someone before putting your heart, body and life on the line.

They also know that healthy mature adults spend time apart, and things like neediness, possessiveness and jealousy do not constitute healthy relationship material.

The love-bombing stage is much easier for the narcissist to pull off and hook you with, if you enmesh, if you fall in, and if you allow the fast bonding to occur.

Once you are hooked, devoted and besotted the narcissist can start relaxing. The snaring, enmeshing and taking narcissistic supply has been established.

It has taken an almighty effort for the narcissist to maintain “decency’ and “delightfulness” in order to capture you, and when the need for the narcissist’s “wonderful” persona starts easing back … the cracks will start cracking open.

This is when the damned if you are, and damned if you aren’t stuff starts happening.

How quickly that will happen depends on a few things.

Many people say this happened hugely when they moved in with the narcissist, or married the narcissist, or that it was subtlety there all along and it just got worse and worse.

The truth is: even at the beginning because the narcissist is a pathological self, he or she will expose some personality flaws – and maybe very big ones – accidentally.

It may be a look that you see when the narcissist is unaware that is really creepy or malicious. It may be something that the narcissist says that is “off”, something that is really “wrong”, a statement that is childish, demanding, nasty or warped.

And when it happens something inside of you twists into a knot

Something from the narcissist’s past may pop up … unsavoury stuff or drama that is not “normal”.

One of the greatest warning signs is: there are things that you sense the narcissist is lying about – things that just don’t add up. And for some reason you don’t wish to confront them. Maybe you even find out about the lies, but you don’t want to acknowledge them.

If we are honest with ourselves, we know this is because we didn’t want to shatter the illusion of how wonderful we wanted this person to be. Or, if you do confront these issues, somehow the reasons given to you still don’t make concrete sense and don’t put you at ease.

Another warning sign is: the narcissist is isolating you – and it is very difficult to have communications and relationships with other people without getting a weird vibe or disdain from the narcissist. Yet, you may dismiss all of this subtly or obviously happening because the time you spend together is still wonderful.

Mind you NOT all narcissists will display all of this, but some or all of these warning signs will be apparent, and your gut will register and feel ill at ease at these times.

Some people have reported … people with very low self-esteem, that the narcissist right from the beginning treated them terribly, told them they would never be good enough from the narcissist, and abused them from the beginning.

Most people need more of a show to get hooked in – some people don’t – and the narcissist quickly works out which category people are in.

One thing is for certain … that when you are sufficiently hooked the narcissist will start to ascertain how far the mask can come off and still have you around for narcissistic supply.

That is if you still have something to offer that the narcissist’s ego wants, otherwise you will be discarded.

 

Attacking What the Narcissist Originally Supported

Let’s further investigate how your gaps get used against you.

Let’s say you have body image issues. Originally the narcissist professed to help you feel good about your body and love you unconditionally. The narcissist may have even asserted that he / she loved fuller bodied partners.

Now that you’re hooked, the narcissist is mercilessly targeting your body image with insults.

Let’s say you hate jealousy, and have told the narcissist about your journey with jealous partners in the past. The narcissist originally stated how much he or she was not the jealous type, and agreed with your non-jealous orientation 100%.

Yet, now that the mask has slipped, the narcissist starts generating jealousy. Being suspicious, starting to make you suspicious – and accusing you of being untrustworthy as well as unjustly jealous.

Another one of the most painful things about the demeaning that goes with narcissistic abuse is – you can’t win.

What gets incredibly frustrating about narcissistic abuse is whatever you do, you are “wrong”.

Maybe the narcissist has told you that you are lazy and you don’t contribute enough – so you pick up overtime and start working back late. But to your dismay the narcissist now accuses you of being a workaholic who only cares about money and certainly not about him / her or your children.

Because the narcissist is attacking your body image, you start watching what you eat and exercise more. Rather than the narcissist being happy with you losing weight, you are then accused of being obsessed with how you look.

I remember one of my most maddening “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations was when we were renovating our house together. If I went to the hardware store with him for materials without wearing makeup he would tell me that I didn’t care enough about being his partner to want to make myself look good for him (like I apparently did for everyone else). Then when I did wear makeup he would accuse me of doing this to get the attention of every other man in the hardware store.

It was total madness!

 

The Narcissistic Relief of Offloading

The narcissist can get additional pain relief from you as a result of attacking your weak spots.

Narcissistic supply was the first part of this. Lovebombing you and securing you, and then removing your outer sources so that bit by bit by bit the narcissist becomes the centre of your Universe, for good or for bad.

Then the narcissist can extract energy from you at any time when the narcissist needs narcissistic supply, and when other sources of supply have dried up.

If you have physically disconnected from the narcissist, and are still obsessing emotionally about the narcissist, this still provides the narcissist with psychic energy … I promise you – and this is a very vital part of what needs to be healed within ourselves – in order to heal from narcissistic abuse.

However, when you are still in the narcissist’s physical space, there is the added benefit of being able to belittle you, so that when the narcissist’s inner demons can’t get drowned out, the narcissist can project them on to you.

In effect what this is literally, is the assigning of these onto another person so that the narcissist can try to attack and defeat his internal enemies.

Naturally this is unconscious – and according to the narcissist’s pathological and severely distorted brain wiring – these demons ARE you.

In regard to consciousness, narcissists are on a very low end of the scale.

Conscious people know how to have control over their emotions despite the circumstances.

Unconscious people’s emotions are controlled by the circumstances.

Narcissists make up the circumstances to match their emotions.

Narcissists make up events in their minds to match the inner painful feelings they experience, and have grave difficulty in separating fact from fiction.

Therefore according to the narcissist’s twisted brain wiring, there is concrete evidence supporting his or her accusations against you.

These accusations come about in 3 different ways.

1) Your gaps that the narcissist has identified as your weak points.

2) What the narcissist is projecting in regard to his or her own dark, shameful, unwholesome behaviour, and

3) Anything that you experience connection, joy, acclaim, or fulfilment about that takes energy away from the narcissist.

 

How Narcissistic Abuse Escalates

The danger period begins when you have rationalised initial warning signs away, not confronted “thing that don’t add up” squarely and directly, and when you have talked yourself into “why” you should be in the relationship regardless.

Now more cracks have appeared … things like jealousy, unease, put downs, inappropriate anger and behaviour, and the narcissist taking umbrage at any perceived criticism.

Now you have seen with your own eyes that the narcissist has serious issues and is not taking personal responsibility. There is always an excuse or someone else to blame.

You have crossed the line of selling out your gut feelings, and even putting up with real life unpleasant experiences with this person, as a trade-off for something that the narcissist is providing you with … something that you are not anchored healthily into for yourself.

Maybe you don’t speak lovingly to yourself.

Maybe you hold harsh expectations that you judge yourself by.

Maybe you criticise rather than compliment yourself.

Maybe you don’t know how to be with yourself healthily in your heart, and you are incessantly in your mind disconnected from yourself.

Maybe because these states were always how you have been as your “normal”, you had no idea that was even happening within yourself until now.

The narcissist filled some or many of these gaps initially for you.

The narcissist’s act took away the pain of self-doubt and an insecure future, the fear of being alone and the pain of feeling unlovable, unworthy or not good enough.

These remedies are what you are hanging on to, even though the initial large doses starting petering out to crumbs, and got replaced with abuse.

When people work through their inner recoveries they discover how true this is, and the true reasons as to why you have been suffering the abuse and why you stay despite it.

This following statement is one that I really want to include in as many of my radio shows and blog articles as possible – because it is so important to understand.

We need to have this statement as our mantra.

We will never tolerate a level of love less than the level of love we have for ourselves.

So until we acknowledge this, and we do the essential work on ourselves, we get stuck in the grand illusions; the falsities that do not set us free from the agony of narcissistic abuse. We believe that this is all about what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and we cling trying to force the narcissist to wake up and change in order to fix the trauma and the pain that we are experiencing.

Not only is this akin to expecting a crocodile to roll over while we scratch its tummy, it’s also completely missing the bigger picture point.

The narcissist was never in your life to love you, the narcissist came into your life as a messenger, helping you locate and heal the parts of yourself that weren’t loving and approving of yourself.

Do you believe that “everything happens for a reason?”

Narcissist abuse is no exception – I promise you …

 

The 3 Types of Narcissistic Accusations

1) The gaps that the narcissist has identified as your weak points

Most narcissists are really skilled at identifying your weak points, and tailor the nasty behaviour to suit the person in question.

Our gaps include having unhealthy tolerances to certain things, and it is through identifying these gaps the narcissist works out what he or she can get away with.

If you have zero tolerance to affairs and would never put up with being cheated on, then the narcissist will not throw other people in your face, and will use another angle to demean you with.

If you have a tendency to hang on to adulterous partners rather than leave, and this has been your pattern, the narcissist will punish you this way by battering you with comments about the narcissist’s attraction to other people, and how you are not “good enough”.

The narcissist may even blatantly and indiscriminately have open affairs, knowing this will trigger your emotional panic and hook you in harder.

To ascertain what your weak links are and how they can be played, the narcissist tries out your levels of tolerance.

To understand your own weak links you can investigate the patterns you have had in relationships. What has hurt you the most that you still have emotional energy tied up in? In short, what is it that you still fear?

I promise you this: all of these unattended to traumas attract exactly what you fear.

Fear is as strong as an attraction force to a narcissist as blood is to a shark.

Pain bodies hone in on, and attach, to pain bodies … point blank … period.

Your greatest fears may include being replaced by someone else, being abandoned, not being trusted and believed in, maybe having things stolen from you. Maybe they are: being physically, emotionally sexually or financially abused.

This you also need to understand … what we fear we tend to draw into our lives and roll around with.

In stark contrast, it is the things that we have healed and resolved that we no longer tolerate and play out.

Please also understand this: tolerance doesn’t just mean shutting your mouth and putting up with it. Being tolerant means staying in the relationship in any capacity.

If you stay attached to the narcissist whilst being abused with your weak spots – arguing, trying to catch the narcissist out, trying to force the narcissist to be accountable or change … be VERY clear … you are tolerating what is happening to you.

You are also handing over A-Grade narcissistic supply to the narcissist, which makes him or her feel incredibly significant regarding being able to have such a powerful effect over another person.

Zero tolerance means you get up and leave regardless of the pain and the cost.

Zero tolerance means that you will not have “that” in your life in any shape or form.

Zero tolerance means you will not sell yourself out by compromising on what you have decided will never have any place in your life.

The things that you have zero tolerance about are the things that you will never experience. Life does not need to hand you these situations in order to heal your self-esteem and help you grow beyond your previous self.

You don’t hate these things that you have zero tolerance for, and you don’t fear them.

They are just not any part of your reality.

This is the level to where your previous and current emotional traumas, including unfinished childhood business, need to be healed to – in order to not get hooked by these weak spots.

That is what the inner work is all about.

As with all narcissistic abuse the ex-narcissist targeted my weak spots, my unfinished business,  profoundly.

But rather than accept how his many abusive behaviours were diminishing me piece by piece … I stayed, I argued, I prescribed, I lectured … I fought back.

And I stayed even though there was no change or resolution that ever lasted.

My reactions got worse and worse … and I didn’t realise that this was wonderful for a narcissist – it granted him tons of attention. The knowing that he existed and had the power to affect another human being so significantly.

All of this drama was keeping him distracted from his own tormented inner being and alive.

The more I was hooked onto trying to get him to change his behaviour, the more I lost the ability to detach and look after myself, and as a co-dependent I had never mastered this skill previous to him anyway.

In this severely dangerous state of me being separated from being anchored in my own body able to create my own sanity, safety and peace, he was able to swiftly pull out the rug from beneath me, with violent threats and actions, intimidation and or abandonment – with me not letting go.

And I clung on to him trying to get him to fix what he was doing, because I felt like I would die if I couldn’t.

Because I wasn’t detaching I was nowhere near taking responsibility for healing my own weak points that he was able to batter and hook me with.

I know I am not the only one who has experienced this – the grave handing over of our power – not by a long shot.

There is an entire community of people here who have played this out!

 

2) What the narcissist unconsciously detests about his or her own dark, shameful, unwholesome behaviour.

One of the most painful and exasperating parts of narcissistic abuse is being constantly accused of all the things that you know the narcissist is and does.

Things like being materialistic, selfish, nasty, unfaithful, uncaring, devious, a bad parent … the list goes on and on.

Everyone I know who has been narcissistically abused stated that so many of the things that the narcissist accused them of doing were all the things that the narcissist was doing him or herself.

It’s safe to say that a great deal of the blame throwing that the narcissist does will leave you in shock, tearing your hair out screaming, “Look in the mirror!”

 

3) Anything you receive enjoyment, acclaim, purpose or fulfilment from.

Anything that takes energy away from the narcissist is going to be a target. So with this comes the accompanying nastiness, which is the response to the narcissist’s inner self-loathing that is accentuated and further triggered by pathological envy towards you.

This is in relation to people or activities that you get positive energy from, such as love, acknowledgement, accomplishment or joy.

Because of the intense feelings of being inferior (unable to feel genuine happiness) and you being superior (able to feel genuine happiness) the narcissist needs to take you down a peg or twenty in order to feel vindicated.

At these times it feels devastating that what is so important to you is attacked and sabotaged by the narcissist mercilessly.

Many abuse forums like to purport that point number 3 makes us completely powerless and targeted, and it is all to do with how much we have to offer that the narcissist wants but can never have.

But … we need to understand this focus only keeps us entrenched in ongoing powerlessness and victimisation.

Yes, there are things that we are naturally happy about, accomplished at and get wonderful energy from that the narcissist pathologically abhors … but if we stay attached to the narcissist, regardless of the abuse, there are deep reasons within us as to why we aren’t pulling away and honouring ourselves – and these are the gaps within us which require inner healing.

So … if you are sufficiently hooked it is likely that you’ll try to please the narcissist.

Maybe you start feeling the insecurity of possibly losing the narcissist – your supply of security / love / approval / lifestyle / enjoyment / saviour from loneliness, and you try to adapt accordingly … you try to change to make this person happy so that he or she will stay connected to you.

Maybe you are trying to keep the peace because you don’t like confrontation – so you give in.

Maybe you doubt yourself and make excuses for this person, or think there is some value in what they are saying – even though your gut is trying to tell you otherwise.

Maybe you do try and stand up for yourself, but then give in because the narcissist knows how to always up the ante in ways that make you stay.

 

The Narcissist Does Not Want Resolution

So why doesn’t the narcissist want resolution and peace? This is often the “million dollar question” that people ask.

Before I understood enough about what was really going on and what I deeply needed to heal within myself, I used to view the situation through surface level human eyes.

I know you might be doing this too.

Because I thought he ultimately wanted what every human wants – resolution and love.

After leaving there were times when I believed this illusion more. This would follow on from clawing my way out of my horrendous addiction to him to get to a safe house away from his threats and abuse.

Then he would switch the tables and love-bomb.

Then I was back in the relief of believing that my “prince charming” did want love, happiness and happily-ever-after. And the evidence of this falling flat time and time again did not alter my delusions of relief and wanting to believe in him for years.

Of course I believed in him, I had projected onto him the version of who I wanted him to be, rather than seeing him for the truth of who he was.

Narcissists do not want happily-ever-after. They are not partnered with you or anyone else. They serve one master only – the relentless ego that can never be filled or satisfied.

Peace, normality, togetherness, love, gentleness, trust, honesty and teamwork are “poison” to the ego – they annihilate it.

As “Oneness” does – “Oneness” renders egos obsolete.

The ego is a lone wolf, a relentless machine of needing more, more, more. More notoriety, more acclaim, more worship, more stuff, more superiority, more recognition, more POWER.

You and the relationship were only the vehicle to try to get these things. It was never about love and all the synonyms that go with love.

There is no genuine relationship possible with a narcissist for this reason – period. There is only, after narcissistic abuse, the ability to heal and create a genuine relationship with yourself.

And this is what our healing is all about.

 

Deep Self-Reflection Revealing the Empowering Truth

Naturally, until we really look inwards, and accept that we are the generative source of our own experience – we will not only be very confused about what is going on – we will also blame the narcissist for what is happening to us.

And this is something that victims stuck in victimhood have a very hard time accepting (as I once did also) …

This … as an adult no-one else other than ourselves is responsible for our wellbeing – we are.

We need to understand that the narcissists and co-dependents are playing out two sides of the same coin.

The glue that is holding the narcissist and the co-dependent together is neediness.

Meaning: I need something from you that I can’t supply for myself.

We know that the narcissist needs narcissistic supply. He or she can’t self-provide any positive energy, self-worth or self-approval – it all has to come from the outside.

And when we deeply investigate ourselves to heal and break free from the prison, enmeshment and future or present horror of narcissistic takeover – we discover we assigned the narcissist as our source of “feeling loved” or “feeling attractive” or “having security” or “a fun lifestyle” or “not having to be alone anymore” or “great sex” – or whatever it is that we rationalise is worth being in a relationship that we know deep in our heart is not healthy for us.

We try to believe it is “love” but it’s not, really it is an obsession based on fear – the fear that without this person we may not be able to have this “thing” or “state” in our future – that we are not going to be able to generate it for ourselves.

I promise you that is the real reason you are staying – and until that development and healing within yourself is addressed, you are highly susceptible to hanging around whilst the intense devaluation continues.

Or you may never be able to heal and move past the trauma that your devaluation caused – even long after you have crawled away barely alive, or have been thrown in the gutter and discarded mercilessly.

So many of us were trapped in the cycle of abuse, and I know that many people in this community still are.

This is what the cycle of abuse looks like: abuse … breakdown … reconnect … relief … tension building … abuse … breakdown … reconnect … relief … tension building – and the cycle continuing all over again.

In faster times with greater intensity, all for the higher purpose of bringing the lesson screaming home to us, “This is NOT your soul truth to be living this, and HOW MUCH pain do you need to get it?!”

That’s the lesson …

What our soul truth is about, IS the coming home to ourselves to be able to heal the gaps that led us to and hooked us into narcissistic abuse. Then we break free, and we don’t just survive, we evolve ourselves to a level beyond trauma and beyond abuse.

That is what thriving after narcissistic abuse is all about, and I’d love you to learn about that.

If this article resonated with you I would love you to join me for my next free Live Teleclass called the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. In this event I share my healing system, Quanta Freedom Healing which has allowed thousands of people from over 50 different countries to break free from narcissistic abuse and start new lives filled with abundance, freedom and joy.

Please click here to reserve your space for this free event.

Also, if you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, who is playing out these cycles with a narcissist, please pass this article on to them.

And please if you have any questions or comments, write them in the section below, I respond to all of them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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147 Thoughts on Narcissistic Abuse – You’re Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t
  • ashleyjana@live.com'
    Ashley
    May 22, 2015

    Wow this might be my most favorite article of yours yet. Shared it to everyone I know who needs it. So true and so incredibly well articulated. I love you Melanie!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Ashley,

      Thank you for sharing, and I am so glad you enjoyed the article.

      Mel xo

      • sdoll922@hotmail.com'
        D
        July 20, 2015

        I am so thankful for your article!!
        i’m dutch ,, and to be honest, i didn’t find any article more clear on “how it all works” and/or dynamics as yours…
        i see now what i didn’t see for 3 years.. i was preciceley doing what he knew i would do.
        i want this crazyness to end. the last string was contact via chat.. when i was at my weakest.
        like he preciseley knew when i was aching for a response,, crying…
        a “hi” occured..
        i now see the broken parts that need to be healed.
        Thankyou for this, i can;t describe how much this affected me!

        love D.

    • beckybrogle@gmail.com'
      Becky Brogle
      March 20, 2016

      Thank you MelanieToniaEvans. You are to Narcissitic Abuse awareness, education & healing what the Apostle Paul was to the early Christian Church & New Testament of the Bible. You are an amazing role model & example of what ‘thriving’ means! Thank you so much! God bless you!

  • Cbetty22@gmail.com'
    Claireb
    May 22, 2015

    Wow Mel, another amazing article. Spot on. And what makes it so awful is that for ages afterwards (and for me every day since I left 6 months ago) I’ve been wondering what I could have done differently. I’ve been blaming myself for messing up and causing things to switch. How could it have been so wonderful at the start and then turn so awful? I know I’m still obsessing and therefore sending psychic energy to the narcissist but am trying hard, with your hearings, to stop that once and for all. Thanks for your amazing website. It truly saved me x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Claire,

      I am pleased you enjoyed the article.

      One of the toughest thing about recovery is the obsession and feeling like the narcissist is crawling around under your skin.

      That is why I am such a fan of the deeper healing tools to break free from this.

      I’d love you to come into my next Webinar to find out more about this: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      There is an easier way to recover Claire, truly …

      Mel xo

  • christie_schlenk@hotmail.com'
    Christie
    May 22, 2015

    Amazing and true. I love what you are saying and that total responsibility for healing the broken parts of ourselves is the only way to stop attracting these people. I keep attracting them over and over as my father is one and I was sexually abused as a child and I have damage that is unhealed. Once I started to take responsibility for who I “resonate” with, my world is slowly changing, with lots of setbacks. Having the awareness that I am creating my reality, I am choosing these people, makes it harder/easier. Harder because I know I have work to do, but easier because I can do something about it. Love xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Christie,

      it is so true that the only way to emotionally and practically evolve from this is to develop ourselves beyond it.

      When we change, our life changes.

      That is lovely that you are doing this and becoming the generative source of your own experience.

      Are you working at reprogramming at the subconscious level? – as that is where our programs lie and can be accessed to heal them.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm

      Mel xo

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    May 22, 2015

    When I was going though this it was very unhappy and difficult time. Now I can look back and laugh about it. Why did I take her so seriously? I was afraid to lose my family.

    I used to say that if I were Jesus Christ and fed the 5000, she would criticise me for not feeding them cake and ice cream. If I fed them cake and ice cream, she would criticise me for using too much sugar. If I gave her flowers, they were the wrong color and candy never was the right flavor.

    How did I know there were ripe tomatoes in my garden? She would buy 5 pounds at the grocery store. She would complain that I didn’t grow anything she or the kids liked.

    My response: Sorry, I can’t grow macaroni and cheese.

    One day I woke up, took back my power and stopped trying to make the miserable b….. happy. Took me long enough; you can’t make anybody happy, except yourself -period.

    Its been 3 years, absolutely no contact. YEEEEEHHHHHHHH The only news I want to hear about her is her obituary. LOL

    I love your articles, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Stephen,

      I had a bit of a giggle reading your post – because I KNOW how mental it is … we all do!

      The truth is people who are desperately unhappy with “self” are the most critical people …

      Hence the narcissist.

      That’s great you broke away and stayed away!

      Mel xo

    • Lrcreates@yahoo.com'
      Lisa
      May 24, 2015

      Stephen, I’ve never commented on one of these before, but I have to tell you…..not only did I laugh out loud when I read this (because it’s funny!), it also made me smile from inside. I smiled identifying with your abusive experience, now in the past, both physically and mentally. I smiled feeling your happiness and positivity that returned, your success in healing, learning and accepting yourself. I smiled knowing that I’m getting back there….back to me….who I was before I met that miserable human being who tortured me covertly…because I let him!

      Whe DID I take him so seriously??!!! I’m still so angry about it, but I’m looking forward to the day I will laugh about it, as you now do. I know that time will come!!

      He used to make fun of my positivity and optimism. Now I know he was so envious, he hated me for it, and worked hard trying to take me down to his level. I’m never going back there again.
      Thanks for the encouragement in your comment, Stephen, and congrats on your 3 years!!!!!

      Melanie, I’m so glad I found your site and this community! I’ve learned so much.
      xoxo

  • ayesash@hotmail.com'
    phil
    May 22, 2015

    I started on to narp silver….just need to know all things that my body shows is traumas encountered by my mother or my grandparents. Am I just making them up…or cd b in my genes…..also I hav never experienced this type of thirst….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Phil,

      I am not really sure about your post – maybe you could clarify …

      At a guess … I hope this response will help.

      When we start accessing our subconscious it can initially feel like “Am I making it up?” … But when we get more and more used to the process, not only does what we find make so much sense, but when we release it the change, the losing of pain and fear and the way we start showing up in life so much differently – is so profound – we know it must be true.

      Mel xo

      • ayesash@hotmail.com'
        Phil
        May 23, 2015

        Dearest melanie…i cant believe u responded to me… it means so much to me. U r a saviour in real sense. i started listening to ur radio shows and it occurred to me that its me who has to change internally to put an end to abuse i was getting from a partner who adored me to bits once upon a time…….and even now when not in rage
        What i wanted to say was that my mother had a very traumatic life..was severely abused even before i was born and i just heard stories of it. When i ask my body what the reason for pain is….those instances come on surface. Just needed to know if my genes could have stored these emotions.
        Since i started the NARP…one week ago…and i try to do it more than once every day….i feel slow and drowsy and feel very very very thirsty and hair fallseems to have increased…is it all ok

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 23, 2015

          Hi Phil,

          I am happy to respond to you.

          Yes, absolutely at the epigenetic level we have taken on our parent’s traumas – literally. And it is common when shifting subconsciously to find out there is parent’s stuff that we have taken on that comes up into our consciousness to be released (as you have found).

          Please listen to the Tips Module in regard to the drowsiness, because there is information in there about that … When we are working in theta brainwave – a slower brain wave it does make us more tired than usual until we get used to it. Also releasing old traumas out of our body initially makes us very tired, because after the release our body coming out of survival programs says “now I can rest”.

          It has taken a lot of energy to hold ourselves together whilst in survival.

          The hair loss is adrenal malfunction. I suffered horrendously from hair loss from N-abuse.

          Have you read the self-care eBook in NARP? It talks about getting your bloods done, getting iron, Vitamin D and magnesium levels right (as well as anything else your bloods show).

          That will stop the significant hair loss, once your adrenals start healing – as a result of releasing the traumas up and out from inside you (NARP) and using great nutritional self-care as a supplement.

          I hope this helps Phil.

          Mel xo

          • ayesash@hotmail.com'
            phil
            May 24, 2015

            Thanks melanie….I am looking after myself …..an d coming to get what shifts really mean…..thanks fr ur support

  • karenlynellewilliams@gmail.com'
    Karen Williams
    May 22, 2015

    Great article as usual Melanie.
    Brought back the memory of the last day the narc and I spoke after I had travelled to the other side of the world ( Lebanon) at his invitation…to sit beside him day after day with nothing to do at all, hardly any food and many nasty and derogatory comments.
    “How could you allow someone to treat you like this?” my surprised ears heard his real self say. Interesting huh?
    After two years of being narc free, I came out of my home one day to find a note on my car. It read “Call Me” which of course I didn’t. But my bestie girlfriend made me promise to say one thing to him if ever by some unfortunate circumstance I had the chance which so far I haven’t thank God. “How could you allow yourself to treat someone so badly…and goodbye forever!:)

    • joflus@bigpond.com'
      John
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Karen,
      I think the real question needs to be to yourself ” how could you ever have allowed yourself to be treated so badly for so long without protecting and loving yourself, after all as a parent I feel quite certain that you would do this for your children so why not yourself”. Better that you never give him the satisfaction of knowing that you are affected by his abuse, this will simply empower him and encourage him to take another crack at you. The goal is ambivelence not anger and revenge, leave that for the personality disordered narcissist, that is one of the main differences that separate them from us, sound healthy people.
      Cheers John

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Karen,

      thank you.

      So great that you would not respond.

      The truth is narcissists do what they do because they are narcissists. It is the unconscious act of trying to annihilate the inner parts of themselves via projecting them onto someone else – and then treating that person abysmally.

      What is massively important is not what they do, but who we choose to be to ourselves.

      Mel xo

  • wanderson509@hotmail.com'
    Wendy
    May 22, 2015

    Hi Melanie, thank you so much for yet another fantastic message. Your insights truly have changed my life. It amazes me how the content of your messages always come at the ‘right time’ for me. I wish you all the very best thanks again. Lots of love Wendy.xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Wendy,

      you are so welcome, and I am glad this article was timely for you!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • winnie.ramsey@live.dk'
    Winnie
    May 22, 2015

    Wow, wow – such a beautiful piece of work – words fail me – outstanding insights also in this excellent masterpiece of writing.
    THANK YOU

  • amwhit25@yahoo.com'
    Amy
    May 22, 2015

    I am not completely convinced the current problematic person in my life is a narcissist (seems more like a histrionic personality disorder – but does it matter? They seem so similar in their techniques) I have been able to identify my co-dependency, and have been feeling more awake to my tendencies to fall victim to all sorts of people in my life. What do you do, when you realize it is time to become unattached , but your husband and children are intrenched? I sent my husband this article, and I have asked him to listen to the podcast, but you can’t make people change. I am just at the at the start of my journey of healing.

    My mother in law uses us, I have been stepping away, but my husband is not on the same level as I am. And I have not completely severed the relationship. He has years more abuse with her, and I am not sure what to do. I really fear continuing to allow my children to be in her path, though she seems to treat them well — generally. I have no faith that this would continue. Can I put my foot down and tell my husband he is on his own, that my kids can’t be part of this? I can see the fallout from such an action. It feels cruel to take them away from their grandmother, but isn’t leaving my young children in her path crueler?

    • prickett@gmail.com'
      Jemma
      May 23, 2015

      I’m dealing with that also. I can’t believe that they can’t be cured and so wish I could damn well try if he is a narcissist at all. Since separating though I am more fearful of his Mum. How can she call herself a mother and try to debase my mothering (when for the last 8 Years she says what a great mum I am) and advise her son to do such ludicrous things like telling him to reject mediation etc. I want him to know how much she hurts me but I never wanted to come between a mother and her child. Or maybe I just knew that he would never defend me and didn’t want to face it. 18 years and to read that he never loved me cause narcissists can’t love, surely he can’t be a narcissist and surely j can’t be so stupid

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Amy,

      it is very true that it doesn’t matter what category of personality disorder a person is.

      Poor behaviour is poor behaviour – and always when we bring it back to self – we can understand regardless of “what” someone is our wellbeing and boundaries are our responsibility. It is NEVER about trying to work out what someone “is”.

      The truth is Amy you are not responsible for your husband and that is a huge part of co-dependency not trying to change people in order for you to be happy. This is about leading by example with your boundaries and development and that is the healthiest and most empowering thing that you can do for your husband and children.

      In regard to your children … if she truly is damaging to them, then yes put boundaries around it. Maybe limit time, maybe don’t allow her to have the children unsupervised …

      Only you really know the answer to that, what that could be and how that could work … and the more you heal and empower yourself the clearer the answers will come to you.

      Mel xo

  • Jamikrueger@yahoo.com'
    Jamie
    May 22, 2015

    My impression is slightly different, at least from a different angle. I think the narcissist feels great in the beginning and is not at all purposely love bombing. They hate themselves and finally found an object that makes them Love themselves. Maybe they think the connection is amazing or maybe they like the “new” activities of the new partner. It’s not at all fake. It’s real to them. That’s why when they hate themselves again a few months (?) later, they blame you not themselves. Cuz they “knew” it was you that created the good feelings so you must also have disappointed and made the good go away.

    • teri.dawn@yahoo.com'
      Teri
      May 22, 2015

      Interesting view of the lovebombing. still soul and heart-crushing to the one who is struggling to come to grips with the fact that nothing will ever take the relationship back to the day it was a dream come true for both if us.

    • mapapazian@gmail.com'
      maddie
      May 22, 2015

      Thank you for providing this perspective! You have described what I have been feeling all these years! This helps me understand myself a bit more!

    • Lizd888@gmail.com'
      Bethd
      May 23, 2015

      I agree re love bombing phase at least as it pertains to my experience. My ex actually said the words “I love how I feel when I am with you”. He also repeatedly mentioned my “good energy”. Little did I know how that vampire would try to suck up every bit of it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Jamie,

      the real understanding is that a narcissist is a “False Self”, so yes they feel a high … a “kick” from narcissistic supply.

      The partner at the start is idolised because the narcissist needs to pump them up to be the “best” the “most wonderful” the “dream partner” to get the best possible dose of narcissistic supply possible.

      Is this real love? NO! It’s delusion and obsession. It is an unrealistic projecting onto another person as an “object of wonderment” in order to get a chemical body rush.

      Sorry to take all the romance out of it – but that is the absolute truth.

      No, they have not found someone who can help them “love themselves” … no-one can make someone “love themselves” that is exclusively an inside job.

      People can take people away from their inner demons to give them relief from themselves (narcissistic supply) but in NO way does this create “loving themselves”.

      People only “love themselves” when they have faced, claimed, embraced and healed their own inner demons – period. That’s it and the ONLY way self-love genuinely happens.

      Mel xo

    • pegasi51@gmail.com'
      bl
      July 16, 2015

      This was my experience too, Amy. We had a blissful first year and I genuinely believe that we were both equally, deeply in love with a happy and caring partnership. But like a Doberman, a switch goes off in their heads – maybe the first time you fight, or the first time they feel attracted to someone else – and then the horror show begins. I could see him sort of fighting himself at those times, panicked at realising he was going to lose his existing happiness, but it was like there was someone else in his body making him say and do horrifiying things and justifying it by convincing himself I deserved them. There was a moment of clarity when, in the midst of being tortured with the lies & cheating and sexual deviance, I cried (as I often did then), ‘But it was so beautiful. How will I ever trust anyone again?’ and instead of looking blandly at the floor or whatever as he usually did, he looked at me with full-on panic and said ‘Look at it from my perspective – how will I ever trust myself?’

      • pegasi51@gmail.com'
        bl
        July 16, 2015

        All of which doesn’t mean, btw, that you should stick around trying to help them. You might, if your loved one had cancer, resolve to stand by him/her and be the best partner you could be, dealing with the pain, outbursts, fear, and all that comes with it. But if your partner’s disease involves inevitably forcing you away, triangulating you, neglecting you and making you feel small and worthless, abuse and / or generally treating you with less consideration than they’d treat a mosquito, unfortunately sticking by them is only going to destroy you both. Best to let them move on, find another victim, get their relief for a little while – they will go through this again and again. They are the vampires of the world, and it’s better to let them feed often and lightly than drain their victim to the death. I made the mistake of trying over and over, and was lucky – and I don’t mean this in a figurative way – to have escaped with my life, which had become such a nightmare that I sat in the attic above inhaling helium while he showered his new lover below with all the affection he’d been slowly denying me. What that does to your soul is something only people who have been there can understand. Let them go, know that it isn’t your fault and there is nothing you can do, that there is a whole host of people like them and a whole community of people who now know what it’s like to love and be discarded by them. Thanks for the perceptive article and this forum.

  • jenny.chantler@yahoo.co.uk'
    jenny
    May 22, 2015

    This article is just wonderful Melanie – you are just getting better and better at hitting bullseyes one after the other, after the other, after the other, right smack in the middle!

    Love from a sunny May morning in England.

    Jenny x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Jenny,

      thank you and I am so glad you enjoyed it.

      Enjoy that beautiful British sunshine … its cold and grey here in Melbourne!

      Much love back.

      Mel xo

  • robin.mcdowell@hotmail.co.uk'
    Tom
    May 22, 2015

    Great artcile , and matches my experience over last 4 years so so exactly… esp the bit about how good the idealisation & love bombing stage felt at the time . But for me ‘no contact’ is impossible because she is at same workplace so theres
    still opportunities for her to do her nastyness and silent treatments and narcisistic rage .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Tom,

      glad you enjoyed the article and it resonated with you 🙂

      Mel xo

    • moxie9305@gmail.com'
      MM
      December 16, 2016

      Tom, I have a male friend who’s going through all of this in only a month with his new gf who is already moved in with him and started all this in 2 weeks of their going out together. Me and a group of friends of his noticed the “not at all himself” change in him. Whenever we attempt to include him in anything she shuts it down with her obsessive love bomb grooming where she goes jeckyl and hyde sometimes by the matter of hours or five minutes. Lately she had accused him of cheating already (but we’ve noticed some activity on her page that seems like it had been her doing it behind his back already) and she always slanders him on her page almost three times a week so far in their very first month together.

      I cannot reach him, it was a miracle slip up that she gotten him to unblock me so I can still message him but I am still unfriended. He does seem to read what I try to say to him but I do not do much as we used to and we were wonderful friends for two years before “mz npd thing” crashed in and disrupted it. She keeps maintaining that I haven’t lost him as my friend but it is very evident she is extremely jealous of how well I know him and the length of time and trying to erase me from his memory along with his life long friends who know this is a very bad thing going on as well as a newer friend who had survived just this very relationship 3 years prior to knowing my friend so he and I (also 4 years our of a 9 year npd relationship with a man which was a much lighter version than what happened/happening to my friends.)

      I’m aware this is likely going to take years for him to break from her vile spell over him even though she is going very fast in this abuse and we all can tell he’s being worn down and very scared because this kind of this appears to have never happened to him before, plus his mother just died and she’s a mother of three -who for obvious reasons does not have custody of her kids but very dilligent with her visitation rights so heavily that she had done fake sick days off her work to get all her given hours with them but this makes her work be dropped on as extra work on top of what my friend has to take care of and cover for her ditching work without calling in which I believe started this bit of him not talking to her. She now lures him with ‘nice’ talk, he replies positively and then she attacks again!-.

      She is with him 24-7 they both work at the same place same hours and regularly comes home with him, never out of each others reach. She even watches over him when he reads his social media pages and speaks for him to me (which I suspect she does edits his real words often at me) We’re all very worried for our friend, he really thinks he can fix her and he’s just as much a hard head as I am still being here and watching out for him no matter what because I am one of his real friends.

  • greeneys88@aol.com'
    Caroline
    May 22, 2015

    As others have posted this article has come to me just at the “right time.” It has only been one month of no contact so I am still in the beginning/hurtful stages of breakup after a three year relationship. I have connected with so many points in this article, especially the idea that holding on to him was my way of not being alone. Because at 37, divorced with 2 kids, that is my FEAR. I am tired of being alone, I am tired of doing things by myself, I am tired of it all. But I know that being abused by a narc is also not the answer. In our final reunion, back in Jan, he threw out all the stops…promising the world and I was more “hooked” then then ever before. So to find out only 6 weeks later he was cheating, again, has literally rocked my core. In the last month he has been playing around with 5 women…some just for sex, others he will try to lure in with the charm. BIG PROBLEM for me: SInce i had paid his cell phone bill i have access to his account and with certain carriers you can see the actual text messages being sent. Im human…and I have looked. It not only repulses me and makes me see how lucky I am to have gotten out, but it also hurts like hell. Hurts that he can say the same thing to someone else while I am seeing therapists, have become prone to panic attacks and have been totally depressed for a month. But I guess this is what they do….right? I know my path to healing needs to be stronger. I am proud of myself for maintaining NC this long. Usually I was the one to crack. I have signed up for the webinar. I am just waiting for the day when the pain will be gone, the tears will stop and my life will move on. We give our lives to these men/women, I know I did, and to be left with ZERO, NOTHING, at the end is truly the biggest heartbreak anyone can ever experience. Thank you for listening.

    • rkessous770@gmail.com'
      Happilyeverafter
      May 23, 2015

      Hello Caroline,
      I wanted to write to you as I completely relate to your situation. As you I was divorced with 3 young children and unemployed since I had moved in with my now Ex Narc. I remember that summer as the lowest point of my 40 years !! I was seeking relief in anything and anyone. I couldn’t even get out of my bed, to make the kids dinner, for 6 weeks. It was a looooooone and lonely summer. Thank G-d, Thank G-d and once again Thank G-d for Melanie’s website. Thanks to her writing and gentle guidance I came to realize something slew of therapist and psychologists could not.
      I can hear in your question: ” when is the pain going to stop”, my questions and the wrong way I went about myself. Even in healing I was seeking relief from outside, therapist, psychologist…” Please please ease my pain”…
      Please don’t seek ” help ” or “support” outside of yourself this is where your ex narc, comes into play. My quest for a relief from the pain brought me back to him….and agin and again. Every time I sank deeper and further away from myself. Please know this: It is a loooong process and a beautiful beautiful journey. The key to healing yourself is first and foremost to connect and trust yourself !!! No way around it. I promise you, I am just another of those stories, I thought there is no hope for me and my circumstances are different than anyone else and completely gave up on myself. Once I ” tried” and I only tried to understand and apply Melanie’s teaching, I experience such an internal relief…internal relief from the addiction and compulsion to seek relief….For the first time I was able to be there for my self and connect with my pain.
      I followed her method carefully and did not succum to the ” addiction” of feeling pain, I reminded myself that my body is seeking the ” Pain peptide” and this is the reason I replay in my head all that have happened with my Ex- Narc., it has nothing to do with love or me longing for the relationship. Nothing to do with ” soulmate or me missing my soulmate…”
      Please remember all the devastation you are feeling, the emptiness you are experiencing, is the ” withdraw” of your body from the addiction to the ” pain peptide” . You have to help your body fight the addiction.
      There is a way out just like in any ” addiction”, substitute something else, for these are only temporary urges. I know how you must feel when you read all these success stories..” I wish it was me”….” I so want to be like them”…” They must be stronger/better than I am to feel that way”…….” I wish I have been in her place right now”…
      I am a reader just like you, I never thought any of this would help me. I actually thought everyone’s circumstances, were better than mine, that is the reason they are healed…!!
      I can promise you one thing…you can get there, but you have to do it yourself.
      No one hold the magic key or the solution to your pain and addiction to the narcissist. I can also tell you that no one, not even your ex-narc. hold that much power over you your life, your destiny and your future.
      once I had no choice but to believe in myself in order to survive, I experience word by word, the gift of universe.
      Please do not be afraid to take small steps toward trusting yourself and believing in yourself, this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do and it is the hardest part of the process. Everything else that happens after that is an added bonus and life is beautiful!!!
      You have decided ” No Contact” than stick with it no matter what. Be it an exercise/experiment in your ” new assertivness”. Don’t look for “outside” to relief your pain and “save you” from this ” world”. You are sooo capable and on the verge of discovering all that you are capable of. You will be so proud of yourself a feeling no one can give you or take away from you, since it will be your own doing.
      I hope I gave you some direction as I wished someone would give me, but there was no one there( as the Ex-Narc. alienated everything and everyone). Please just try it for six months, just try….and than let us know where you are…..I guarantee you, you will be a different person ….
      We are all here for you, you are not alone…..
      Happilyeverafter

      • greeneys88@aol.com'
        Caroline
        May 23, 2015

        Thank you Happilyeverafter for your response. You have no idea how much it means to me. Another layer to the problem is that those who love and care for you, your support system, do not fully understand the depths of the hurt I am experiencing. And since life with a narc is always a series of rollercoasters, frankly, i am sure they are tired of hearing it. And i dont blame them. So it is difficult to vent and talk and understand while trying to heal because my family and friends, as wonderful and supportive as they are, just do not get it. So in reading Melanie’s blog, emails, posts, I do feel a little comfort in knowing I am not alone and that there are these monsters all over the world hurting innocent people who just want a chance to be loved. Its funny bc in addition to praying for myself, I have been praying for those all over who are in the same boat. It is a terrible, lonely, lonely, lonely place to be. As you said, it is one of the hardest things I will ever have to recover from . My divorce is not even comparable and that was the father of my kids. Really makes you think what a hold these people have over our hearts and our minds.

        • rkessous770@gmail.com'
          Happilyeverafter
          May 25, 2015

          Hello Caroline,
          I know how much it hurts when others do not ” validate” your experiences with him. I also know how it makes you feel….like you are loosing your mind…all while he is living his ” glamorous life” without consequences for his actions. I wanted so badly for someone to see his ” true colors”….I have asked ” how is it even possible that a human being like this exist in our society..?
          All my ” venting”, searches for questions fell on deaf ears…as he was ” flourishing” or what appeared to be ” doing well….supposedly.
          After everyone including my own family deemed me as ” lost it”…yes…my own family…I have realized that all my energy in the last 3 years was wasted and will continue if I continue that way.
          Caroline, from someone who has been there…I can tell you that the more I talked about him, the ” Bigger” and ” Stronger” he became…from a distant …All this talking and venting for me to feel like I am not loosing my mind..actually made him ” stronger” which caused me to doubt my self even more and on the verge of losing my mind…How is it possible?
          Until I read Melanie’s instruction about ” quantum healing” and how I was “giving him Energy” from far far away, without even being in contact with him.
          I decided to follow her method, her instruction manual, again because I had nothing else to hold on to, as ” I was losing my mind”..
          I can not explain this as I really really, whole heartedly, am telling you, had no expectation of anything to happen. At this point all I wanted is to help myself. I was reading all these ” success stories” and thinking to myself, this will not happen to me, as I am different, more damaged, more defective and
          beyond help anymore.
          2-3 weeks after I started the Narc program I have noticed that people are staring at me longer…still did not make the connection as I was ” waiting” for this ” magical moment” where everything should turn around if this really works…
          6 weeks into it with ups and downs, with doubts, but continuing the program, I started to reconnect with myself.
          At the beginning I consciously made the effort of not speak of his actions to anyone and the longer I did it, I found myself doing other things. I regain my creativity.
          I took initiative for projects and things that ” have failed ” before, just so I can “complete them”.
          I actually managed to “fix them”.
          Situations that were not up to me, as time needed to pass for them to be “fixed.”
          Incidentally, these were my vulnerable/weakest, points that made me ” hang on” to the Narc. as one hangs on to a “safety board”. Without him I truly, truly believed I can not make it in life, as he spared no opportunity reminding me of it everyday of our life together.
          When I rang my friend to tell her the ” great news” she said : ” Not sure how you did it, but not surprised you made it happen, that is good news” ( I was quoting word by word).
          In essence I am not trying to describe a ” miracle” but to encourage you to continue the ” No Contact”. Once you are in the ” No Contact” you turn around and ask, ” O.K, I have/am doing it exactly like the book and Melanie’s instructions…Now what ? ” just as I did, good girl, followed instructions to the letter now should come the reward…” good girls should be rewarded not punished”…(?).
          This is where your actions come into place. You and only you Caroline can reward yourself, do not look for outside validations for your ” good actions” it does not work that way.
          By focusing inward and connecting to yourself, ideas come to you, I believe, because so mush place has been cleared from the unconscious, that it is actually possible/ or there is available space for your ” true self” to finally go back home….
          As I was excited to experience all these ” new emotions” and walk down this path, I have learned that the Ex. Narc’s life are falling a part…and I did not wish for it to happen at all.
          I did not think it will happen in my life time to see it, i thought it might happen, if at all, when he is old much much older like in 20 years….
          At this point I am too busy and too excited to have my new life ” interrupted” by ” blasts from the past” and frankly, my new finding of my true self, is the ” Biggest ” gift I could have ever gotten…
          All that I did was ” concentrate ” on myself, to improve my quality of life, not to cause damage on someone’s else. Even if that person, has been actively seeking to destroy me and still does.
          I realized that by me ” not giving energy” is in essence depriving him from
          getting stronger….which means, he is bothering me less and less and less. All I wanted was for the harrasment and smear campaign to stop, that’s all.
          By concentrating on my self and talking or replaying memories, I was ” weakening the monster” who would have thought it works?
          Just remember this, it is a process and a journey, which I did not understand at the beginning, when I started this. The reward is ” Your True Self”….Something that maybe execept for a perfect ” childhood” etc, one can not posses unless doing and actively participating in ” healing your wounds”. We have all been there and I can not help but replay the sad memories I have had from your description….I am it….What is going on with you is me 3 years ago…!!
          You have so much a head of you and so so many good things to experience, trust me ( I am a single mom of 3 young ones as well).
          Now go a head and give yourself that gift, go and make it happen ….You will like who you are…..
          Truly yours,
          Happilyeverafter

          • rkessous770@gmail.com'
            Happilyeverafter
            May 25, 2015

            Sorry for the typo in the last paragraph, ” by NOT talking and Not replaying his memories”…

          • greeneys88@aol.com'
            Caroline
            May 27, 2015

            You have no idea how much your healing words have helped me. Please keep in touch with me. greeneys88@aol.com

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Caroline,

      I am pleased it is the right timing for you.

      I am also pleased you have signed up for the Webinar. I promise you there is a way through this, and up and out of this pattern for you once and for all – and I will do my utmost to help support you to get there.

      Enough is enough …

      Mel xo

  • marciasommers@gmail.com'
    Marcia
    May 22, 2015

    Mel, you always come through for me at just the moment I need it. Thanks so much. Blessings!

  • sage7.j@gmail.com'
    Judy
    May 23, 2015

    This all resonates so deeply. Almost like someone was there taking notes the whole 8+ years. Thank you for what you do. Until I came across your information, I felt alone and no one would/could understand. Learning after I left that what I had been dealing with was a text book NPD, helped me keep No Contact for the past 4 mos and focus on me and healing. Everything does happen for a reason and my experience did create some positives in me. At times I feel sorry for him. He struggles and had verbalize during lovebombing that he “doesn’t think right” and “feels inadequate”. He can only get help for himself. I’m sure no one would choose this disorder, but those that have it can choose to get help. We are all responsible for our own mental, physical and spiritual health. Live strong!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Judy,

      it is uncanny how stock standard narcissistic behaviour is!

      You are very welcome …

      The problem is there is so much unconsciousness with narcissists and so much False Self takeover, that if it has become a full blown personality disorder, narcissists don’t take responsibility to heal.

      But that is not our job or journey – we are responsible for our own healing – and that is the only power we have to create change in our life.

      Mel xo

  • Karlamancuso@aol.com'
    Karla
    May 23, 2015

    I awake each day in tears. Since joining your site, I have made myself listen or read articles that you have posted. This is the one thing I do for myself now and I just want to thank you putting into words what so many of us cannot. My soul screams “yes that’s it” at many things you have posted. This particular article hit home- I admire your strength and perseverance but mostly your heart that you can share your pain with the public. Im a survivor of adolescent rape(BFF ‘s father) child of an alcoholic and met my Narc in high school. Long history there to break way but thanks to you I know I can heal and break free of the abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Karla,

      please come into the Webinar.

      There is a huge difference between trying to heal simply through information – or healing at a subconscious level (transformational healing).

      The old way is the hard way for so many – (I personally would have never made it) trying to heal through information alone.

      You are so welcome, and that is my greatest joy knowing that my experience (where there was no ‘possibility” of healing) is an inspiration to others to KNOW there is another way – a true way – that we can heal.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    May 23, 2015

    Mel, this was a slam dunk for me….you described the journey perfectly. It is less crazy making knowing my experience has a name, and that I am so not alone. I think that being with a highly intelligent narc, who ‘appeared’ to come from a good home, while I had the painful childhood, made me a sitting duck. I laughed at the picture of the alligator rolling over to rub his tummy. I still feel a remnant, a slight pull, like I can do that a bit. That I can tame the beast. That I somehow have the power to do what no one else can, and return him to his true self. It was my life work to try, and it felt like a huge failure when he left. But what I know now is that all of this was about me doing anything I could to get my mom to love me (my unfinished wounds). This came together in a brilliant dark moment, when the narc called my first mother, bio mom, and told her that he never loved me. She chose Christmas day to call me and relay the message. My second mom, who adopted me, told me several times that she hated me and wanted to take me back to the orphanage. This garbage is not about me, it never was. I now know that my soul is safe in God. My dream is to not only heal, but to take all that I have learned and be someone who helps others to be free and be real. It is becoming my new life’s work ( I like this one much better!), my mission. Once again, my heartfelt thanks, for your wisdom and impartation. It is such a gift.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Ruth,

      I relate strongly with you – I too believed “I can fix this” … for so long …

      That was until I finally realised this was never about fixing someone else, it was always about healing me.

      So, so wonderful that you have turned your focus inside, and you are working at freeing yourself from the painful patterns for good!

      And then absolutely life will match you up with “more of you”.

      Mel xo

  • thwalathembie@gmail.com'
    Thembie
    May 23, 2015

    What a topic. Just fell in the same trap after 14months of no contact. He came back as if. Nothing has ever gone wrong after he discarded me and immediately stayed with someone else after lieying that nothing was going on. Seeing that my life is back on. Track he shows up and tells me that we should pick up where we left. Is this a real person? NO! Next thing he demands food from me, asks me to do his washing while his staying with someone. I told him No! I’m not. Playing your game anymore. But still insists that we should be friends

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Thembie,

      friends, or ANY contact is not an option.

      This is about saying no to “toxic people”.

      And if that is hard to do – then there is a necessary self-reflection and healing of “why am I struggling to do that” … otherwise more toxic people will need to keep coming into your life until that is addressed.

      Mel xo

  • prickett@gmail.com'
    Jemma
    May 23, 2015

    I thought that today would be the day that I would want to start the journey you provide to heal. Since finally (I hope/think) leaving with the kids after returning to try again, I came across an article in regards to narcisssism and finally thought that I could try to get him to realise he couldn’t be without us because I would know him better. I joined this site after reading so many of your blogs thinking you could have been a fly on my wall writing my exact life story. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t has been my life saying for the past 5 years. And that is why today I lodged documents to the court so that they (a total stranger) can decide on my future. I should feel relief that I’ve finally done something to end all this madness but I still can’t imagine life without him. How can I know that he is a narcissist if it’s not medically diagnosed, maybe I’m just reading too much into it. But surely he must have loved me at some time in the last 18 years. Every time I get to the end of your blogs I know he is but I just don’t want to believe. And I don’t know if I want to heal if it means losing him even tho he’s gone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Jemma,

      wow – I find that frightening that an article about narcissism could inspire you to want to “try”?

      Jemma no matter what you do “practically” to disengage and end it, naturally the inner wounds, addiction and traumas are going to be coursing within you – often WORSE when you do disengage.

      Please come into my Webinar so that you can learn how to address and heal that – otherwise you are going to be white-knuckling with the addiction / obsessions.

      There is a better way.

      I promise you when you do the inner work you will not have attraction or feelings – you will be on a completely different trajectory – known as HEALTHY people.

      In fact you will wonder WHAT on earth you ever saw in him.

      Mel xxo

  • williumarthur@hotmail.com'
    Richard
    May 23, 2015

    Have been reading your messages every friday. They have been a great help to me,thank you. ,in your many email,I understood I was not to blame .we were together for two months ,as you point out all the things these people do from being perfect to being of no use to them ,is what happened. I even decided to get married ,but luckly saw the light. Got my ring and Mercedes back,gave her 3000 euros ,then backed the bag and put her on a plane from where she came!,,
    But it still brings back memories of the good times ,,then I have to remember the rest. I thank God for looking after me. I could write a book on what I have learnt , I now send your emails to others going through the same mightmare,,,keep up the your good work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Richard,

      you are welcome, I am so glad I could help. Thank goodness that you pulled out and got away!

      Mel xo

  • deb.chiniforoush@gmail.com'
    Debra
    May 23, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this post, it really hit home when I needed it the most. It was really powerful and made me really think about what happened to me! I’m doing much better now, and finding a new life for my children and I, with the no contact rule in place.

    Cheers !
    Debra

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Debra,

      you are so welcome, and that is wonderful that you are holding No Contact and creating a new life for you and your children.

      Mel xo

  • gewing52@gmail.com'
    Gwen
    May 23, 2015

    I am on my third “No Contact” and I have made a commitment to follow through this time. I MUST do this. I don’t even like him but after a 3-yr off/on relationship of lies, cheating, name-calling and devaluation, it is still a struggle. We are both retired and he uses his illnesses to reconnect with me. Feeling needed fills an unhealthy void for me and allows me to direct my thoughts to him, deflecting from my own low self-worth. Only 1 week after being “no contact” for a month he texts to say he’s in ER and had a stroke. “He needs me!!” I run to his side only to discover I was one of many he had texted. He swears his devotion and love for me then summons other women to his bedside (women he had cheated on me with). I try to explain the pain he causes me. He explained his hierarchy of women to me this way “You are on Tier 1, they are Tier 3”. Are you kidding me! He thought that would make me feel loved!! I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry but I left, blocked him on all iOS devices and am reading everything on narcs I can. Support is so important to me right now. Learning to love myself again and knowing that my low self-esteem allowed him to control me. Thanks to you all for sharing your stories. It really does help! Love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Gwen,

      I would really love you to get involved in my newsletter series – 16 Days To Your New Life, you can do this here … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted

      The reason being – there are a few … and the first that learning all you can about narcs is not going to heal and help you. This contributes to trauma, peptide addiction and keeps you hooked in the energy of them.

      This is one of the major reasons you’re falling back on No Contact – truly.

      What will keep you away from narcissists, and developing past them, is turning your focus inwards determinedly to developing and healing yourself – and then truly you won’t care less about the narc!

      When you read the information in my series you will start to understand 1) why focusing on narcs is not helping you and 2) why there are so many successful recoveries in this community and how true recovery works.

      This truly is the support that can help you immeasurably.

      Mel xo

  • rusticles2012@hotmail.com'
    Rusty
    May 23, 2015

    Thank you Mel for the NARP program. I completed it and did many many clearings. Its such a wonderful thing to be able to remember the Narc ‘s behaviors and not feel the pain. It’s so much about me now and not the Narc.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Rusty,

      you are so welcome.

      That is wonderful that you committed to NARP and experienced your liberation.

      It is SO about detoxifying the narcissist!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • palesm12@yahoo.com'
    Paula
    May 23, 2015

    Oh my goodness, I truly cannot stand narcissists lol. This is so on point that it is chilling. I am years removed from being with “him” and after reading this and thinking back on just how utterly insane my time was with him, I get angry with the audacity they have at feeling entitled to wreak havoc on peoples’ lives just for sport. I delved deeply into learning all things NPD and can now have them pegged in no time. The energy I wasted on this person boggles my mind, well you live and hopefully learn and all I can say is never again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Paula,

      truly there is a danger in “hating / disliking” them … whatever we think we are emotionally saying “No” to we are in fact saying “Yes” to …

      Life will keep supplying them as per your emotional energetic focus.

      Truly Paula they are unconscious – they certainly don’t purposefully go about wreaking havoc – they simply CAN’T Help it…

      The sad thing is many of them were absolutely brutally abused or abandoned as children – hence what caused the split and the pathological self…

      And they don’t end up in a good place – and they don’t have a fun existence … at all.

      It is the epitome of a living internal hell – hence why they create extremal hell.

      No-one would “choose” that existence.

      If we want to point the finger at anyone – it should be society as whole – NOT educating any of us to be effective human beings and parents in our sovereignty of how to program and bring our children up with healthy emotional intelligence.

      Until humankind evolves – narcissism is here to stay, as well as victimised co-dependents.

      Mel xo

  • waxwingyates@yahoo.com'
    Debbie
    May 23, 2015

    “If you stay attached to the narcissist whilst being abused with your weak spots -arguing, trying to catch the narcissist out, trying to force the narcissist to be accountable or change…be VERY clear… you are tolerating what is happening to you.” Wow- that jumped out at me. Later you write “no-one else other than ourselves is responsible for our wellbeing – we are.” I need to be able to trust myself to take care of myself. I have tolerated a lot of bad treatment over the years- financial abuse, verbal and emotional abuse. Lately as he has withheld all affection and our so- called marriage has morphed into a sexless roommate arrangement, I have tolerated the extreme lonliness and pain this has caused. Why? I ask myself. My weak spots, my fears- I will have to think on that. I want to face my fears and not tolerate this unhappy marriage any longer.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi Debbie,

      that is WONDERFUL that you are bringing the power back to yourself – because change and generating a different life experience IS possible now.

      Please come into my Webinar and learn how to take the next step with this inner orientation.

      Mel xo

  • gadgettt1969@gmail.vom'
    JW
    May 23, 2015

    I know my weak spots (being ignored), he plays on them every time 🙁 he ignores, I get fed up & either tell him he’s hurt me & I’m done, or just ignore. He then stalks me relentlessly. Eventually I’m worn down by him being in my face, we speak, he’s full of attention and flattery. Within 3 days it’s back to single line emails about himself, within the week, he’s back to ignoring me, which causes huge anxiety.

    I learned a long time ago to shut up about any success, good news, hanging with friends. I’d be punished for it.

    He also accuses me if aggression. He’s very well known for his aggressive personality.

    Maybe this time he’ll leave me alone to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2015

      Hi JW,

      I want you to understand this statement “Maybe he will leave me alone … etc ” is completely powerless.

      Your life is not up to him – it is up to you …

      You need to decide ‘No More” and that will possibly only come about when you get determined to find and heal the gaps he is hooking you with.

      That is what needs to be your greatest mission.

      Anything less spells “more of the same” until you have suffered enough damage that “then” you will have to do that if you wish to recover.

      Because one thing for certain is – he is NOT going to stop playing you.

      Mel xo

  • krootes@bigpond.com'
    Karen
    May 23, 2015

    Thanks Melanie

    This was really something I needed to remind myself of AGAIN – Three years four months out and I still get certain triggers. All is good though as I love me for me and I will not tolerate any person treating me like the narcissist did. Thank you heaps!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Karen,

      that is so good that you are out and have stayed out.

      I’d love you to come into the Webinar and find out how to release all parts of your inner wounding that register “triggers”.

      The – truly – you are free and start Thriving.

      It takes it all to another level.

      Mel xo

  • Info@azsadd.org'
    Nicole
    May 23, 2015

    Incredible article, thank you! Is it bad that I want to send this to the narcissist, as I have repeatedly told him he and his behaviors are, in a effort for him to truly realize he has an issues? Bigger question, if they say they want help and are willing to seek that help, will a therapist even realize they are a narcissist and deal with it accordingly? I would find that hard to believe: i’m not sure anyone would sit before their therapist and self diagnose and/or admit they have a problem as such. After all, we all know it’s never their fault. Through all my ramble, how do they get the proper help they need? i’m already working on me; this post has been a HUGE tool in opening my eyes where even my therapist has been unable…THANK YOU!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Nicole,

      you are very welcome.

      Nothing is “bad” – it just does or doesn’t serve you …

      Sending it to the narcissist is just another way of “If I can change you then I can feel better …”

      This always equals how to lose with ANYONE – it is co-dependency – because it hands our power away.

      With a narcissist it also hooks us in harder because we are handing over narcissistic supply.

      If they want help genuinely (many narcissists at times say this) then it is their responsibility to find someone to do the work.

      My TOTAL belief is talk therapy is useless for deep emotional wounding.

      If a narcissist was to consistently see someone who could work directly on their subconscious programs, stick to it, go cold turkey on the urge for narcissistic supply – and be in that level of deep committed therapy for years – there could be a chance.

      Yet, how on earth is that ever going to happen when the ability to get N-supply, which the N is hooked onto like an ice addict – going to be resisted.

      Instant pain relief through other people, significance, materialistic “stuff”, power-tripping, sex, attention, substances etc is ever present and readily available.

      And as soon as a “hit” is achieved the False Self (ego) is reinstated and the N is as clueless again to taking self-responsibility to heal deep inner woundedness – as the metaphoric crocodile is in regards to “playing nice”.

      It is my total belief that apart from deep subconscious therapy the N would have to be totally dedicated to his or her self-healing as well …

      It would need to be a COMPLETE life change – I’m yet to know of one genuine case who has done this.

      My greatest suggestion for you is to investigate the deeper subconscious work – to really break free from the “reasons” you want to fix another to grant you yourself.

      (I promise you nearly all of us went through this …)

      My Webinar would be a huge eye-opener for you Nicole and start giving you those answers.

      Mel xo

  • kelly.edelman@gmx.com'
    kelly
    May 23, 2015

    Melanie – thank you so much for all of your hard work, your articles and writings nailed every aspect of the abusive relationship I endured for six years. My question is: Does the narcissist know that there is something wrong with him? Sometimes my guy would make statements that made me wonder if he really was just powerless over his bad behaviour; however, he made little to no effort to really work on the issues. He ALWAYS made sure people were watching when he went to a class or went up for prayer or something, but he never did anything substantial that would actually impact his bad behavior.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Kelly,

      this is what you need to understand …

      Narcissism is dire unconsciousness. Yes there is a sense of “something terribly wrong” … most N’s in narcissistic injury – when something horrible has happened that is significant enough for their ego to collapse to the side – know and even admit “I am defective – awfully…”

      BUT it doesn’t hold – it doesn’t last.

      The ego gets a feed for somewhere and comes straight back up – and in charge. It IS like a complete personality takeover.

      Then they are back to dire unconsciousness which means “I am NOT the generative source of my own experience” – which is identical to the “victim perspective” (that co-dependents hanging on to victimhood also play out) … “My bad feelings and things I don’t like about my life are SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT.”

      There is never ANY healing, evolution or change available for ANYONE in this mental / emotional framework.

      That is the MASSIVE insurmountable issue.

      It all comes back to you Kelly …

      What is your level of consciousness?

      Are you willing to take full responsibility for your own life and not make it about what he is or isn’t doing?

      And what do you choose to do about that?

      Otherwise … nothing will change in your life, and even if he does discard you, or you do finally leave – how many times do you need to play it out with unconscious people until you become conscious?

      Those are the real questions …

      Mel xo

  • celsutherland@gmail.com'
    celeste sutherland
    May 23, 2015

    They say you marry a man like your father, well I married a man like my mother. I filed for divorce in Oct 2013 afer 37 years, still not finalised, I worked for him because he wanted me there. I moved back to my mother (93) and my brother(63) and my hell is being relived through her. All my childhood ‘holds’ and threats are back with a vengeance. She knows I have nowhere else to go because I can’t get a job (white and 58 in South Africa I stand little chance of a job). Not realising the truth, I promised to look after her, cook, clean, mend etc. I have the most wonderful man now and she is nasty nasty nasty. The other day she asked me to choose between him and her, I told her that I will be with him when the divorce is done and she screamed at me, called my brother in for me to repeat what I’d said to her, when I told him she chased us both our of her room shouting that she disowned me and she doesn’t have a daughter any more. We did not speak for two weeks. She approached me and told me she loves me and needs me. I can’t wait for my divorce to go through and I can pack up and leave and not look back. My poor brother turned to alcohol to escape her abuse instead of leaving her (hooks). He too gets how wonderful or how terrible he is but I know he will never leave. A rhyme comes to mind: there was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead, when she was good, she was very, very good but when she was bad, she was horrid! That’s my mother.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Celeste,

      there may truly come a time where you end up being Modified Contact with you mother with boundaries / conditions and then even No Contact.

      That’s the goal and you may need to heal / develop yourself to that level to really do it.

      She absolutely is your nemesis. Nemesis’ are powerful and they are tough – and they are the hardest person to “get it straight within ourselves with” … but through them we truly do have the most growth and liberation available.

      I wish you well with this.

      Mel xo

      • celsutherland@gmail.com'
        celeste sutherland
        May 24, 2015

        Thank you so much Mel, it is through your website I realised my situation and the person I spent so long with. Through you I gathered the strength to make a move and not go back. I will move on from here too. I am so much stronger now that I know what these people are. Blessings on you and your work.

  • mynarcissisticfamily@gmail.com'
    MNF
    May 24, 2015

    My goodness this is all 100% accurate.

    My mom and siblings are living in my home for the SECOND TIME in 2 years. Yet she wants to rant and rave about how I don’t make her feel welcome. Ummm… did I mention she’s staying with us RENT FREE??? My husband and I are losing out probably $1,000+ per month to house her and my two siblings, not to mention utilities, groceries, etc. The water bill is RIDICULOUS! No one pitches in for groceries or helps out around the house. My husband and I have no children, yet we’re supporting a household of 5 people AND she still manages to find a way to make ME feel guilty.

    Unbelievable.

    https://mynarcissisticfamily.wordpress.com/

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi MNF,

      this truly is such a boundary issue, and about healing and developing yourself past the “reasons” why you are accommodating this ..

      People can’t make us feel anything – we choose to because of our own existing emotional programming.

      This is about taking you power back and healing this. As a child you had no option but to absorb this programming – but as an adult you can choose to develop yourself to break free from it.

      Then she won’t control you.

      Mel xo

  • susieparsons@live.co.uk'
    Sue
    May 24, 2015

    Hi, I endured a 39 years marriage to what I now know was a narcisists, so typical from love bombing to an early marriage proposal, after 3 months then to find out I was pregnant. 2 months into the marriage and 7 months pregnant he had me by the throat and was physically and verbally abusive, the first sign. The demoralising continued thereafter for 39 years. I found out, 5 years before he left me, for a woman he met whilst Internet dating, who guess what, he’d known 3 months, that he was seeing other women and had been sacked from at least one job for abusing the works Internet and not being at work when he should, needless to say that’s not what he told me. I could go on but it would take too long. When he left of course he blamed me for being a bitch, I have cried so many tears and my children think I am partly to blame for his behaviour. I am now, just over 2 years later, starting to feel a bit more normal but am I happy, not really, I’m lonely and don’t see myself in another relationship. I was with him from 18 until I was 58 and still feel I’m not good enough, my mother hates him now but still tells me ‘no wonder he left you with your attitude and my son physically and verbally abused me at Christmas just like his father did 42 years ago. Do I make people react like this is there something missing in me that makes my family abusive? I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was young and my mother was very controlling and hard to please, am I damaged beyond repair by Al this, I am 60 now and feel I’ve never been happy, is it too late to change?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Sue,

      please come into my Webinar – no it is not too late to change …

      Truly.

      Please also sign up for my free newsletter http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted and you can start getting answers straight away.

      There are too many things in what you have written to state in my blog post back to you – and truly these resources for you are very important.

      Mel xo

  • lucy.faerie@yahoo.com'
    Lucy
    May 24, 2015

    This was so interesting to read. So much of what you described was identical to how I grew up. My father was a narcissist, my mother was a malignant narcissist. The thing about my childhood and living in that environment made me realize once I was able to get out on my own that I wasn’t the one who was broken, they were, and it made me see how not to treat other people. Was I perfect? Of course not, however I can honestly say that I treated other people better than I was treated for the first twenty years of my life.

    Eventually, I met and married a good man and we had children. These children were esteemed, adored, and loved unconditionally. Because of how I had a grossly bad example of parenting when I was a child, I knew how not to parent my children. I can say that they turned out to be wonderful people with morals, integrity, and they know how to treat others in an appropriate manner. Honestly, I can say I was content as a wife and mother and happy with my life.

    When I was diagnosed with a life wrecking disease, everything I thought I’d overcome to be a good, responsible wife and mother came back to me in a most bludgeoning manner. All the constant and epic failure I’d lived with during my rotten childhood has resurfaced because I spent a year of my life very nearly dead. I feel like I’ve failed as a wife and mother because I was incapacitated and even though several years have passed since then, I’ll never be fully functional again.

    Thank you for sharing what you did, I appreciate it. I guess I just wanted to say that for me, it was possible to overcome the hellish existence of living with not one, but two narcissists, one who was malignant, and become a whole, normal, functional, sane, responsible adult. Or at least it is until having debilitating health problems which cause a rotten quality of life as a constant reminder I’m worthless as a wife and mother now. No, it hasn’t been my husband and children who made me feel that way, I’ve done it to myself and I’ve learned well to internalize all the fabulous self hate I have for having gotten so sick.

    Thank you again. I think you’re doing something wonderful here and I hope you continue to help others in such a manner.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Lucy,

      that is so wonderful that you were able to move on and create a wonderful loving family …

      I am so sorry you have had the health issues you have – and I wish you healing not just at the physical level but also the emotional …

      Bless and hugs

      Mel xo

  • jferrone@roadrunner.com'
    Danielle
    May 24, 2015

    Hi, How I had wished I had found this article 8 years ago. I am 5 month into no contact with my narcis. abuser. I see myself in all of that article. This relationship nearly put me in a psych. hospital 4 years ago. I have never had anyone play with my mind and emotions the way this man did. I remember when I met him I told my friends he cant be real he is like a knight in shining armor and that kind of person just doesn’t exist and boy did I find out he was a fake 9 mo into the relationship. I wasn’t really into him in the beginning and tried to move on and he pursued me relentlessly and I eventually began to have feelings for him. When we met I was just newly separated after 14 yrs of marriage so I was enjoying hanging with my friends and going out on weekends I didn’t have my kids. When I did commit to a relationship boy did he punish me for everything!! I stupidly trusted him with intimate details of my life. This man had a mean streak in him IDENTICAL to that of my mother when I was a child. I hated yelling and screaming and the names he called me I have never been called in my LIFE. 1st mistake allowed it. I showed my boundaries were lacking. He would constantly give me silent treatment for weeks. We didn’t live together, thank god, But I was so fearful, because to him I was still his , so I couldn’t move on but he wouldn’t talk to me. My issue has always been wanting approval it started with my Mom. I had poor boundaries because of my childhood physical and emotional abuse. I know I should have walked away when I was driving him somewhere and he was going to get out of the car and he turned and sucker punched me in the eye. I never saw it coming. He never apologized and if I mentioned it on the phone he would deny it and kept saying I was recording the phone call which I wasn’t. He was so jealous that he accused me of sleeping with everyone and anyone. It was awful. I was brought to complete isolation. I left him 4 years ago and stayed away for 18 mo but I kept thinking I could fix things I could do something better. I had no idea it could be a personality disorder. I don’t get jealous I just don’t feel its worth being in a relationship if you don’t trust the person. I could go on and on. I got back with him 1/14 and I told him if things weren’t different this time I was done but in my mind I knew this was it for me. He made many promises of changing and not bringing up all the same stuff up over and over. The ridiculous accusations and I’m 51 years old and no man is going through my phone I’m done. Well it was good for 3 mo and it slowly went down hill. I really paid close attention. I could do nothing right. I have a back injury so I was only going out on Friday’s to my chiropractor and home. I never left the house and he finally says it, ” I know your having an affair with your chiropractor”, unreal, . I’m realizing I’m not in love with this person at all anymore, I kinda hate him. I tried to break up with him in July but he convinced me to stay but I knew it wouldn’t be long. Now we only live 2 miles apart. We spoke on phone from Aug – Dec. ,because he’s too busy hunting. I just wished I paid close attention before I wasted all these years. We were supposed to get together New Years Eve, but he didn’t like the tone of my voice on the phone so he wasn’t going to come. So I told myself as of 1/1/15 I was DONE!!
    Its liberating to not be in love with him anymore, but I am totally depressed because I am no longer the person I used to be. I feel like that person is gone and I don’t know how to get her back. I have no problem with no contact this time because I’m not trying to change myself to be good enough! I just feel empty ! Does this make sense to anyone? I have made a commitment to myself that I will not date for a year or more. Not that I want to but Im not healthy and have nothing to offer anyone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2015

      Hi Danielle,

      truly the depression you are feeling and feeling like a “shell” is totally consistent with how virtually everyone feels after being N-abused.

      Please come into my Webinar so that you can learn how to heal from this and liberate you ..

      Truly … I promise you, you can get Danielle back – better than who she EVER was …

      Mel xo

      • jferrone@roadrunner.com'
        Danielle
        May 24, 2015

        Melanie, thanks so much for your response. I am already signed up and looking forward to it. I have been reviewing your e book materials and I am just amazed at how much you can relate to exactly what I have been through and how I feel know. Thank you for the positive words.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 25, 2015

          Hi Danielle,

          you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are joining us all in the next Webinar!

          Mel xo

  • helen@bellybirthandbeyond.com.au'
    Helen
    May 24, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    Agreed it is a great article, I just wish everyone else I come into contact with, and friends on Facebook or whoever I must engage with knew this information, sick of trying to make people understand what happened and what is happening to me – it’s so unbelievable to so many yet equally there are so many people in this community that know about it, so I struggle to find my new tribe for want of better words to encompass all I am experiencing.
    I am nearly 4 years on after the loss of my former life.
    I feel my situation is somewhat unique, as abuse continues via children and still wonder if I will ever be able to heal completely. We were together for 21 years and raised 7 children, 4 elders I have not spoken to and never been able to tell my side of the story, they have been completely brainwashed and I can see how he has manipulated them with specific accounts from our past.
    I am much better than my first communication with you. I bought your NARP program in November 2012 however due to financial abuse (the only reason I had the money to pay for NARP was the sale of my home to pay lawyers in family court afforded me to buy a fridge, heater, vacuum cleaner and essential stuff for my 3 smaller kids) and the technological issues I had (had to download an app yet I later found it played thru itunes :::sigh:::), and the state I was in, I only revisited it again at the beginning of this year. It’s crazy really as I had all this knowledge and training from late 80’s and early 90’s with my breathwork intensives and ongoing workshopping did not suffice and it was only your work and that of Patricia Evans who wrote the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” (my narc is the poster child) that totally explains what happened to me.
    I am pleased for those who can laugh, I’m not at that stage yet, I still want justice after being totally wiped out with a smear campaign and things put in place so 4 systems helped him to destroy me, I’m so exhausted, I put on 30kilos of weight, my hair was falling out big time so I shaved my head twice and now I look so fat and ugly and very unlike my former self. I do not present to the world who I really am like this either – I’m so conflicted. I cannot do NO CONTACT however I have progressed because NOW I do not want to do contact, before I was wanting to be masterful at negotiating with him as we share care of the younger 2 kids. I have been accused of maligning the only child of our 7 at age 9 and almost 13 the only one to stand up to his abusive ways – you are right, YOU CANNOT WIN with these narcs.
    My ex just sent me an SMS now which is ridiculous it reads:
    Zen has been sick today and throwing up all night. He’s a bit better now, but hasn’t eaten. I’m going to let him stay home tmrw and bring him on Tuesday if ok with you.
    I responded: No, I will care for him
    Narc: I’ll drop Stella off to school and drop him off to you bout 9.00 then?
    Me: I’ll be dropping Zsa to school so he can come straight home with me, no need for you to come to my home.
    The little ones only go to him 4 nights of every fortnight and the child he sacrificed and betrayed and rejected was spared and court ordered to live with me 100%.
    I have successfully been able to maintain no contact as much as it pains me that Stella the 10yo begs to call him when in my care to get him to pay for things (he doesn’t pay child support and has avoided all responsibility leaving us destitute and on centrelink while he lies and lies) such as soup day which is $5 per child once per week that I cannot afford. My new counsellor who only charges me $15 bucks has said to me he doesn’t want me to pay him he’d rather me pay for the kids soup so the ex doesn’t be the hero coming to the school to pay for the poor kids lunch and look like super Dad that he is not.
    I’m 50 at the end of this year Melanie, the financial abuse has taken it’s toll and centrelink have assessed me to not have to look for work and are allowing me a year off to have my nervous breakdown/break thru that I should have been able to have 3 years ago when I had to pretend I was coping so narc couldn’t convince everyone to take my children away. He went the whole mental health route (just like my father tried to pull on my own Mother and used my Father to help him, yes my story is so unbelievable people cannot grasp it, and I become the common denominator and I am seen as the problem and my sanity has been questioned over and over yet I have jumped thru all of the hoops and been at everyone’s mercy) It’s sickening to me what I have been thru. So at nearly 50 how does one recover financially, I lost my $500,000 house and a whole lot more I worked my whole life to achieve, I lost things that aren’t material and not forgetting his ultimate delight turning my own children against me and experiencing ‘maternal alienation’ in it’s finest form. I’m doing things to support myself Melanie, things that don’t cost money and things that do. I just realised all these people who have said along the way you are strong, you are powerful etc. are right, they said “I’d be in a mental institution if or dead if it were me” – don’t worry I came very close. People did and still do want me medicated yet the people authorised to make that decision don’t think so, nor do I and I’m glad my wish is supported – sometimes I do wonder if it will help for a while as it’s so common to have something to help with coping, it’s not the answer tho and I don’t want everything flat lined or to be numb. One of my NGO support people, a new case manager (i fell thru all the cracks and everyone ever assigned to me moved on or my situation and all that popped up in our time made our time together run out) got me to see that I am severely depressed, I didn’t know this, I told her how I spend all day some days in bed just doing nothing ‘cos I cannot face the mammoth tasks I must do alone. I have no energy anymore, once a dynamic person full of life, very positive and optimistic I am now flat and overwhelmed and feel so disgusted with what I have now become. Money does not motivate me, so I’ve engaged in some things that renew my passion and give me inspiration, I know I have many tools to draw from it’s just most days I want to do NOTHING. I have a long recovery still ahead I feel. I did have a big win on Friday with my police check finally coming thru, I’ve still been doing lots of workshoppy things with kids and face painting (my new gig) as no one asked for my check but my ex was sending emails and messages anonymously whenever he saw I was at public events telling them “I couldn’t possibly have a police check etc.” I’ve been put thru hell with all the false allegations, you are right totally right, he knew exactly how to destroy me and prevent me from moving on. I know he wants me out of the picture, and dead would be ideal, too gutless to kill or maim me himself so he has put things in place to wipe me out and hoped I’d do it by my own hand. This was evident March last year when my then 21yo (his second wife) picked up the smaller kids from school for his weekend and she yelled out “oh boo hoo hooo you still love Dad, oh poor you, we all thought you would have topped yourself by now, why don’t you do us all a favour and go kill yourself so we can get Bella” I was stunned, she yelled this out when other parents were milling about picking their kids up, did anyone notice NO. This abuse is so swept under the carpet, you’d think when they pull the rug on you people would see the debris underneath…..!
    Anyway, I am better now I know how what when answers, but I still struggle to understand how someone can do this to another person, how could he have had 6 more children with me and have so much restraint and repressed and suppressed control and sustain this thru all the years, I truly thought we’d gone thru everything a couple could ever go thru and that we’d be together forever. I think I’m still mourning the loss of all my hopes and dreams and of course that of my children. I still need to find my tribe.
    Love Light & Laughter,
    Helen x

  • helen@bellybirthandbeyond.com.au'
    Helen
    May 24, 2015

    I just got a delayed message back from my ex that just says:
    Thank You

    A stranger reading it may think I’m nuts but I know he’s fucking with me.
    I don’t think there is a need to respond and if I did it would be:
    No problem, he’s my child and he needs his Mummy when he’s sick (you sick fuck)
    What would you do Melanie?
    I still need strategies when I have to communicate with him, I know your son is much older and your situation is different to mine in regard to children Melanie however I’d love to see you expand and write something for my toxic and extreme situation for my family needs

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2015

      Hi Helen,

      I am so, so sorry you have been through such a hard time.

      Helen, truly the healing perspective from my model – is all about releasing inside us everything that “hurts”.

      All of our feelings of victimisation / betrayal … etc.

      This is to do with him, ourselves, the alienation, the lack of support, the fact that others don’t ‘get it’… everything that hurts.

      Then what happens is “space” opens up inside you to start being the generative source of a “different” experience.

      We start then having hope, we then have “lifeforce” available (it was previously tied up in agonising “survival”) for different creation, motivation, choices … and we also became a match for Life to start delivering openings, opportunities and different events, synchronicities, miracles to support the change in our vibration.

      There are many, may people in this community are dealing with co-parenting and have suffered child alienation.

      I promise you the healing process is exactly the same, and then different results can start producing … including reconnection with children … if that is what can be possible.

      So please work the Modules for you .. purge that pain out of your cells … and also you may wish to come into the next Webinar to get extra support, to go through two healing processes with me that will really help you connect to this path of healing your life from the inside out.

      Mel xo

  • teresa1mccormick@aol.com'
    Teresa
    May 24, 2015

    Hi All,
    Having joined the Narp programme and forum a little over 2 years ago now I am still regularly amazed by some of the text I read which I find truly illuminating: ‘The narcissist was never in your life to love you…’ This is so insightful and revelatory on so many levels, and, if grasped can lead the way out of victim hood into a place one could only previously have dreamt of. Melanie’s programme has catapulted my life from one of barely existing into one of true joy and authentic living,with an inner ability to guide myself and my children through and around any challenges which would have, in the past, rendered me immobile. This forum and programme has not just allowed me to fix my inner compass, it has allowed me to re-engineer it completely, from the bottom up, from the inside out. In industry there’s a model: ‘Business Process Re-engineering’, employed when businesses are failing; when radical new methods are required. Melanie’s programme takes the ‘thinking’ out of the equation and in that respect it is revolutionary in terms of standard psychological healing models. I cannot, in this short post, describe my new life as it is now. All I can offer is gratitude. ( all the way from Edinburgh Scotland!)Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Melanie x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2015

      H Teresa,

      I am so pleased yo are on this path of self-liberation, and that you are doing so well.

      NARP absolutely is about re-engineering ourselves!

      Bless and much love back to you!

      Mel xo

  • superwomanvn@gmail.com'
    Bee
    May 25, 2015

    It’s been 3 and half years since I walked out of my 26 year narc addiction and abuse. I walked out of my home with my clothes, my 3 kids and their clothes and a TV .. most importantly my dignity. Two months after that, his mistress of 5 years moved in to my home, sleeps in my bed and they now have a baby together. Before I left, I became physically afraid of him and that’s what drove me to just walk out. My fear of being physically harmed. I have done everything in my power to heal. I’m happy to say that I have peace but have been through hell and so have my kids. I would love to read your books but at the same time afraid of opening wounds. I crave and long to meet a person who will love me for me …

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2015

      Hi Bee,

      I am so pleased you are out …

      But in many ways this is when the true journey begins.

      The reality is lovely lady, that no-one can truly love and show up for us genuinely, until we truly love and genuinely show up for ourselves.

      Please come into my Webinar and I promise you that you will learn not only how vital self-partnering our emotions is, but the incredible relief we feel for ourselves, and the love when we do.

      And then we begin to wonder what on earth we were thinking not living like this!

      And truly Bee that is regardless of how wounded we are / have been.

      mel xo

  • jocred255@gmail.com'
    Jeff
    May 25, 2015

    thanks so much Natalie for reminding me of the N’s unrelenting EVIL!! I have no other word for it. Lest we and I ever forget—these are not good people. Through a combination of carelessness and selfishness and a good dose of carefully planned malice, they deliberately—DELIBERATELY–seek to destroy honest trusting people. So sick. Never ever look back once you leave. Be strong everyone. We have so much to gain by walking away Right now!!

  • jocred255@gmail.com'
    Jeff
    May 25, 2015

    sorry Dont know why i wrote Natalie. Guess the article just shook me up…so so right. Its been two years of no contact now and just reading your article reminded me of the five years of orchestrated hell i went through. Unbelievable how twisted and sick some people can be. Another 200 years of no contact is just fine by me!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2015

      Hi Jeff,

      that is okay re getting my name wrong.

      What I always believe in our recovery is to get past the anger and our own righteousness, and understand a much bigger picture.

      Because whatever we are “angry” and “righteous” about is what we will continue to draw into our life and experience – and that firmly includes abusers.

      Everyone – without exception – does what they believe is “right” given their model of the world. Even suicide bombers.

      It is NOT personal – narcissists do not go out of their way purposefully to screw people up – they are simply being narcissists as per their damaged belief systems and brain wiring.

      If we make it personal – we are playing victim – and asking for more victimisation which then just feeds abusers targets – wounded people allowing and fighting against more woundedness.

      Any attention we grant narcissists helps them exist – especially despising them.

      This is about us growing up into our own emotional intelligence to know that we have our own healing and evolving to do – and we are adults who need to take responsibility to be a healthy source of our own experience.

      Then narcissists will no longer affect us or others – if we be that example.

      Mel xo

  • balmeryvonne@aol.com'
    Hurting
    May 25, 2015

    3 and a half years of , games, torture, violence, lies, secrets, ex’s (his) triangulation, breaking my personal things, breaking my ribs (Saturday 16th May 15, in bed in agony since) cutting my throat, strangling me, attacking after op, still had stitches in, setting his Rottweiler dog on me .. blaming me, shaming, lying, playing the victim.

    Telling all who will listen I’m violent. I’m 5.3 a size 6 and he’s a 17 stone body builder.

    You know the rest no need to type out my relationship history with him. I tried fixing him over and over and he broke me and my ribs for the last time.

    I’m reacting differently to him this time around..not listening to his excuses , he’s ill, he was spiked, etc..that’s all they are.

    I so need help with me, finding me, believing in me and staying well away, so far ignored all his attempts to talk.

    I’ve attracted abusers all my life, since being 3 yrs old….now its time for ME ..please help Mel…even typing your name hurts as Mel is one he’s tried to hurt me with for years, has his kids. I wont hold it against you lol.

    PS Ive never involved the police due to repercussions..I want to but wouldn’t dare

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 25, 2015

      Hi Hurting,

      I am so sorry you have been through all of this.

      Please stay strong and away … and make sure you have support in place. Also I’d really love you to consider seeing a domestic violence person – even just a phone call is a step in the right direction to know you don’t have to remain silent an carry this alone, and there is support.

      I totally understand the “name thing” … and I am so sorry about that too .. call me “M” if that helps!

      I would love to help you heal you … please come into the Webinar.

      Mel xo

      • balmeryvonne@aol.com'
        Hurting
        May 26, 2015

        I have been in conversation online with him all night..he has my things I have his TV..although I’ve offered the TV tonight so I don’t have to talk to him again he made it so difficult for him to receive it..he says tomorrow..after lots of blaming and telling me to f off!! he talked civil..didn’t last long whn he realised he wasn’t getting his own way. Says hes going to get help this time..ha heard that all before.
        Ive read and re read this book and know he outcome..i don’t know why I bother trying to help or make him see and hes blaming me…why when I know the ending .
        Im in the UK and not sure I could get into the webinar as timing etc.

        Everything in me is screaming go to the police..hes put it all down in writing for them to see, that’s just this last broken ribs incident. But why wont I………..I need help definitely…
        Thank you M

        • balmeryvonne@aol.com'
          Hurting
          May 26, 2015

          Ive spoke to domestic violence didn’t make me feel any different sadly

  • kristenmc1218@yahoo.com'
    Kristen
    May 25, 2015

    Hi–

    Thank you for this very helpful piece. Your writing and healing materials have been a great help to me. I am currently involved in a custody battle with someone who fits all of your portraits of NPD individuals to a tee.

    There is one question I have that I have not seen you answer and am very curious about your response. My ex left me for another narcissist, one who is currently in my child’s life. How do the narcissists play out their patterns with each other? How does this work?

    Thanks–

    Kristen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2015

      Hi Kristen,

      truly I am not orientated in trying to work out or even comment on the narcissist’s warped world …

      That’s not my purpose.

      However, for the sake of your question … briefly … narcissists are very good at smearing and playing the victim and inciting others to do their bidding – therefore the other “Narcissist” may in fact be a co-dependant getting overly involved in “defending” the narc against you – you being the portrayed “evil” one.

      Truly even indulging in that information – for me – is icky – because whether or not the narc is with another narc, aphrodite herself, the devil or anyone at all is NOT the issue.

      It’s all false, warped and as far as I am concerned “not my reality” … or should it be yours – because “what is your reality” is YOU – and your healing and your generation of a life that DOES work.

      A life focused on “them” and “handing your power away” by NOT developing and healing the only person you do have control over – you – is a total waste of time and energy.

      Truly, other abuse forums may be a lot happier to indulge this question than myself.

      Mel xo

  • louise.anita1@gmail.com'
    Louise
    May 25, 2015

    Hi

    I just told my husband of 23 years that I want to leave and at first he was all for it but now he wants me to reconsider and we get counselling. We tried that but he would conveniently forget situations I brought up.

    He first said I needed time to myself to figure out my problems and is now wanting to reconcile and get together. I can’t move out yet till September and we aren’t sleeping together.

    He is now all over me wanting cuddles etc and wanting to hold hands, wants me to have time alone which is what I have been fighting for for years and now I have permission to do what I want with my weekends…. Please I see right through it.

    He wants to remain “good” friends when we separate but I don’t know if that will be a good idea…

    Louise

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2015

      Hi Louise,

      it is never a good idea to have contact or be friends with toxic people ..

      Because manipulation and agendas are always involved.

      Exhausting!

      Keep strong and see if all for what it really is.

      Mel xo

    • moxie9305@gmail.com'
      MM
      December 16, 2016

      Louise, yours sounds like the one I wasted 9 years with because I thought I wasn’t right for anybody else or could do better than him (it took a very brave younger male friend to act on his long time -before I met the waste of time- attraction to me to help me “wake up” from the nightmare and I’m forever in his debt for his simple risk to pull me out of that mess and say “I’ve had it!” and shut waste of time away from my life for good)

      Sadly waste of time man is not taking “I’m done with you forever” well and had called me, wrote letters, sends emails and even comes uninvited with gifts I never want to try to sway me back with him because he proved he can’t do “good friends” because he was trying to escape the “bit of karma” he hastily gotten as my much better replacement, who actually is worse abuser than he was to me! (I believe she had kicked him out because I have seen him (and quickly run away) sleeping or sitting on sidewalks sometimes.

      And all his past exes had fallen into rank as his “good friends” and because I won’t gets him furious but he is trying to be “such a good guy” when really he has a problem being he ruins anything anybody has going good or well in their lives by mooching cash food couches etc so much that their livelihoods are in dire risk and he still expects you to be his safety net when he’s shot your lifeboat full of holes and letting you sink!

      He had a major problem with everything I am and it’s a miracle I had regained myself little by little. Nobody believes that I’m still under reconstruction three years on and won’t get in another serious relationship any time soon and if a guy wants to be in my life he’ll have to be my friend for quite a good while and at the moment preferably platonic. Most of my male friends are fine with this, some tried to get further but then stopped , found other girls who didn’t last but were happy I was still around after their bad times being a strong friend to be a fort knox ear to speak to. Again, I really have no idea where I have this strength after the ordeals of mental harm I’ve gone through my whole life but glad I am like this anyway.

      To melanie, I’m hoping that one other friend of mine who tried to get serious with me but I still wasn’t ready who hastily found his NPD last month will “wake up” and realize I’m still there for him as his friend just like we started and he was the closest one to being my third relationship so it did really hurt when he traded down to this “Mz Thing” who’d been exhibiting very bad red flags of mote than just NPD personality disorders the first 2 weeks they’d started going together, I swear she had a meltdown every 3-5 days and then right now, is on her lovebombing grooming that he keeps falling for like they’ve been together for years (I knew him for 2 and give him nothing but love and full respect) when it’s been only a month and 2 weeks!

      This past day alone I saw her go on about telling all his friends to let her get a dog (he replies I guess in appeasement that he agrees with the name) but behind her “curtain of perfection” I’m sure he said “no I can’t have a pet in here against my lease or something of the like that made her fly off the handle and find yet another disparaging meme tagged on his page (she’d done this 6 other times in a big string this past month to now, most been deleted to hide the evidence she flips out, she even makes light of it that she’s insane, which is highly disturbing) that stated that if he’s hanging around his female friends, there’d better be 6 of them to carry his casket but by how she had isolated him 2 weeks into their first month together I doubt he is regularly speaking to anybody at all.

      Even his guy friends, new and life long say he’s not himself at all, like a replacement pod person that only looks like him. I had to give him a much smaller gift than planned for christmas so “mz thing” doesn’t have a fit -I enclosed a cheap gift for her so she’d allow him to have his tiny gift in same card-. I and a few others had accepted her friend request only to keep a eye on her, while she thinks she is watching us while trying to control who he knows and his use of his own page. We think she makes him write the affirmation posts on his own page that he loves her and only her or he’s that for gone he does type that trype himself to again appease her out of more verbal or even physical abuse. All three of the known pictures she’d posted with him he looks very wrought and the poses do not look at all comfortable or natural. They seem to both be forcing this relationship to work, and in their minds How can two people under the same sign born on the same birthday and left handed could be anything but perfect soul mates? This makes my chest hurt and gut roll sick because I know he is being harmed and not loved at all but he can’t tell. Part of his impairment I believe from seeing what he’s going through is that his mom recently passed and he is incorrectly grieving by being a bit promisucous, or very bad judgement in love choices. Sorry to go on this long…

  • Xjulesx@gmail.com'
    Jules
    May 25, 2015

    Thank you for a helpful hand! I’ve been divorced and living independently for ten years now. I was euphoric for a long time and life was wonderful in spite of fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain. I coped with all the things I was afraid I couldn’t do, I surpassed my own and everyone else’s expectations. I rarely meet my ex and when I have to at an important event in my childrens’ lives, such as graduation or wedding, I hate being in the same space as him, he gives me the creeps. I never felt the urge to reconnect, I never thought I needed him anymore, but I can’t get him out of my head. I’m still afraid of him and what he might do if he thought he could get away with it. I still find his lies about me upsetting, especially to the children though they are adults now and probably know better, he is totally convincing . I don’t know how to get him out of my head when I know wariness is sensible rather than the inability to let go. I don’t want to give him any energy or satisfaction even at a mental level, but as long as he is alive I feel threatened by him. I live in the UK, it’s a small country and I struggle with health issues 24/7 so I can’t just move. I’m also aware that avoiding new relationships isn’t healthy but I don’t trust my own judgement where men are concerned, I got it so wrong before. Plus not many men want to be with someone who is chronically ill anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine alone and mostly quite happy, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be alone all the time with no companion for fun times. I’ve come so far but I need to make the last step and get him out of my head to stop his having any influence over me at all, and I don’t know how. I once heard someone say to a rape victim “The best revenge is to make a success of your life.” Well I have 99.999999% Any ideas of that last little bit?

    • balmeryvonne@aol.com'
      Hurting
      May 26, 2015

      You sound like myself, I live with lyme..etc big hugs to you, its hard enough without having a chronic illness..I know xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2015

      Hi Jules,

      you are so welcome.

      You have done great to get this far, truly an amazing job … What you are still dealing with is the traumas trapped in your body – your subconscious – that are affecting and triggering brain pathways that match these wounds.

      Hence why “he” is still alive in your psyche.

      Also, you will find that once these traumas are cleared out of your being, that you will have a greater ability to trust yourself to show up authentically – speak up, trust your gut etc … which will give you much more confidence for future relationships.

      Also, you may be surprised as to how much your health can improve when the trapped internal painful emotions are released. So much more space can open up for healing and wellbeing.

      The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is the tool to release the toxic pain and fear out of your subconscious.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      You can learn more about my healing Program by coming into the next Webinar in 4 days time.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps Jules.

      Mel xo

      • xjulesx@gmail.com'
        Jules
        May 30, 2015

        Thank you for your reply Mel, I have registered for the webinar. I’m a UK resident. Does the recording come to my email address, or how does it work?

        Jules

  • maureen.hughes@hse.ie'
    maureen Hughes
    May 26, 2015

    Great great article Melanie, I have sufferred child alienation at the hands of the convincing N, and I have not involved any of our 2 sons or 2 daughters in the breakup. Its such a relief to be out from the evil, selfish envious,lieing and miserable N. I have a new life now and at a very good stage with many healthy reliable, joyous, supporting and considerate friends. I am so blessed, life is a treat now, but only that I had the good luck to come on your website I would never have been able to come to this stage.
    May God Bless you and continue with your wonderful work, it has saved me
    Love
    Maureen

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2015

      Hi Maureen,

      thank you, and you are so welcome.

      I am so thrilled that you have been able to heal so much – bless, and I know the miracles that can happen with even those who have been estranged.

      Lots of love

      Mel xo

  • Rbrtsshar@gmail.com'
    Sharon
    May 27, 2015

    Thank you. I’d really love to join your webinar but being in the UK, they’re in the middle of the night here. I’m trying to go no contact with someone, but finding it very difficult – I always end up feeling sorry for him and worrying that he’s ok. Of course, he never worries about me! The abuse has been quite severe to just plain ridiculous. My brain is fried. He is accusing me of all sorts of nonsense and tries to balance out his shoddy behaviour with mine and claims to be more forgiving than me and I just have to be more forgiving, apparently. I keep thinking, ok, we’re done, that’s it over but somehow the cycle seems to repeat. When I block him from social media his crying becomes unbearable and I find myself being manipulated by his tantrums. I’m also finding not blocking him and agreeing to see him keeps him from turning up at my door. I don’t want him coming round because it would worry my son. I know no contact is the only way but that seems to create drama too. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2015

      Hi Sharon,

      you are welcome.

      The recording for the webinar is sent to you hours later, so there is no problem with you being in the UK …

      Truly you do need to be there to learn how to break the cycle of madness.

      I hope you do.

      Mel xo

  • kathycan@hotmail.com'
    Kat
    May 28, 2015

    ‘The narcissist was never in your life to love you, the narcissist came into your life as a messenger, helping you locate and heal the parts of yourself that weren’t loving and approving of yourself. – ‘

    That is fine if you chose to be with a narcissist – how about if the narcissist is your parent? Did they then come into your life not only so you could locate and heal the parts of yourself that weren’t loving and approving of yourself, or to create them in the first place? A parent is significantly more important in your life than merely playing a messenger role.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 29, 2015

      Hi Kat,

      it depends how deep we want to take our perception of soul evolution and the reasons why things happened.

      It is a very rare person who had “conscious” parents – and all of us who have been N abused started off with parents who unknowingly, clumsily or because of their own wounds instilled us with programming that was painful and disempowering to varying degrees.

      Conditional love, damaging criticism or even violence, smashing boundaries / choices etc. Or even over-loving and not allowing us to become our own source of resilience, creation and self-emotional sustenance.

      Hence why we ended up with narcissists.

      Did ANY of us logically choose an unconscious parent? NO!

      Did any of us logically choose a narc as an adult? NO!

      Were we able to take responsibility and make different choices as a child? NO!

      Are we able to take responsibility and make different choices as an adult when we are still driven by our young, unconscious childhood wounds … NO!

      In stark contrast we remain terrorised and hooked – and are JUST as emotionally powerless as a child. This is why even when people as adults physically get away – emotionally they may never.

      Sadly THAT is a common model for contemporary N-abuse recovery.

      The truth is when we are young and underdeveloped we are victims at ANY age. As adults we can choose to move beyond that – we can choose to heal our wounds.

      We can choose to do the work … or not.

      It really makes absolutely no difference where the wounding came from or at what age, the choice and the outcome is still the same.

      If we heal our inner wounds we get well – if we don’t we continue blaming and shaming others, holding them responsible and naturally they do NOT fix us!

      Hence we stay perpetual victims and have really unhappy lives.

      Its a choice …

      And there IS a higher purpose to it – evolving past our wounds and having the most expanded True Life we possibly can.

      There is no greater springboard for that than N-abuse.

      Mel xo

  • pamorg@yahoo.it'
    Paola
    May 29, 2015

    This is one of your best articles. Thanks for sharing!

  • teripop@yahoo.com'
    Terri
    May 30, 2015

    Narcissistic takeover…. That is a great way to put it. You explained really well here to what happened to me for 7 years. I’ve been out of the situation for almost six years now and am happily married. I printed this out to let my daughter read it before she goes to college.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2015

      Hi Terri,

      I am so happy you are now happily married …

      That is great that your daughter had a read.

      Mel xo

  • Traceyjkelly@gmail.com'
    DonTfeedTheNarCtroll
    May 31, 2015

    Wow..i am so glad I found your blog. If I knew the things about narcissism 11 years ago what I know now..my life would be so different. My husband is a textbook stealth narcissist. Even used ‘triangulation’ with my own mother who adores me…his sister and his best friend. He even embarrassed me in a foreign country TWICE in public with his inability to wait to speak about issues at an appropriate time. He forces hugs on me and tries to make me hold his hand and be affectionate after he has had his tantrums and blows up on me…and acts like I am the irrational one. Even told me that he was going to have sex with someone else because I don’t want to. I am slowly but surely trying to get away. He has threatened to take my kids away. I told him that I refuse to take his abuse and I look him square in the face without engaging.
    Do you have any advice about what I should NOT do to feed his supply any further including reacting appropriately ….we still live under the same roof

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2015

      Hi DTF ….

      The best way is detach and do the healing work on yourself – then you become empowered to create your new life.

      Mel xo

  • romesofteyes@gmail.com'
    Laurie Short
    May 31, 2015

    Thank you for your blog! My ex N-spouse has a girlfriend who is being played exactly the way he “caught” me… She thinks that it is all wonderful. He has of course told her that the marriage was terrible with me, and he was all terrific. What is your thoughts me exposing his true self to her? Is there any way to tell the next “victim” ???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2015

      Hi Laurie Short,

      no, truly there isn’t.

      She’s lovebombed – just like you were at the start, he is feeding her every “gap” and she is not going to want to shatter the illusion – no matter what you tell her.

      He also has expertly, as you know, created you as the crazy one.

      This is her learning journey – this is happening to her for a reason just as it did you.

      Let go and do your own healing.

      Mel xo

  • Lizdavis5@yahoo.com'
    Elizabeth
    June 2, 2015

    Omg…. I was that person hanging on. I can’t believe it! I try to tell myself no I wasn’t that bad, but in reality I was! This article was perfect, spot on. I am almost 3 years removed and in such a different place that I find it hard to believe that I listened to any of that narcissistic bullshit! Quite frankly it’s embarrassing when I think back to that time.

    I am so thankful those days are gone along with all the poisons that went with them. I worked very hard on myself and I continue to work inside out, one thought at a time. My thoughts are positive, if something negative pops up I recognize it immediately because it doesn’t feel good. I enjoy life, I have learned that what is important is me.

    It’s weird, I feel like I can see the troubles inside others regardless of what they are saying. I can also see the red warning lights on certain individuals and I sometimes think back to that time….I shake my head, smile and keep moving forward. I know where I am going now and that in itself makes me smile from the inside out!

    It all started with your website Mel, I hope this comment imprints a big smile inside of you too! You are doing great things and people are noticing, so keep moving forward knowing your work is making the world a much better place. Thank you for teaching me to love me! It was the gift of a lifetime, one I shall treasure forever!

    Elizabeth

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2015

      Hi Elizabeth,

      your post did make me smile.

      You’re so welcome, and I am so thrilled you have come home to loving you.

      I sure will keep it up 🙂

      Mel xo

  • youngk@orvis.com'
    Kimberly
    June 3, 2015

    I lost my narcissist husband to stage iv colon cancer April 10th. He was diagnosed at a time when I had discovered and educated myself on narcissism and had met with lawyers about a divorce. I made the decision stay and help him through it and to not put my kids through both a divorce and losing a father. There were may times I regretted that decision and thought, ” cancer or no cancer – I don’t know if I can live like this?”. This cancer journey has been so emotionally complicated because of his narcissism. I cold write a book about the painful experience. I was there for every appointment, treatment and surgery, but it was never good enough, and I was never caring enough and was even accused of enjoying the hospital too much. I am now faced with extra questions and guilt over the lack of communication in our relationship and his inability to connect with me and kids, to face it or even help us as a family to prepare in the case of his death. I am also left with a financial mess due to his spending habits that fed his ego. This article really hits home with me and I know I have a lot of healing, soul searching and self care ahead of me. I don’t want to end up in another abusive relationship like this. After 25 years of life with this man I need to learn to love myself and find what would make me happy. I lost myself along the way, what do you suggest is the best way to finding confidence and happiness?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2015

      Hi Kimberly,

      you certainly have been through a really hard time … that would have been incredibly tough – with so many confusing / conflicting emotions.

      My greatest suggestion to you to heal from N-abuse and recover your soul is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

      Why don’t you come into my next webinar so that you can learn all about my healing system, why it is so powerfully successful, and what it can do for you?

      Here is how to: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • piikea1@cox.net'
    Thomas
    June 3, 2015

    My ex actually replied to my text asking why he broke up with: “I am a psychopath” & at the time I never heard of any of this in a relationship so didn’t what to think. Since then I recognize some narcissistic things in him – especially the discard & how things went from there BUT the disturbing part is he didn’t love bomb me OR “abuse” me per se so while I am still angry at how & why he ended it (& subsequent severely callous acts when I made the mistake of even thinking of remaining “friends” with him) – I am torn because he treated better than most other guys do. I think it’s harder to tell if someone is a narcissist in gay dating because guys are so “casual” about it that idk if being discarding for someone else is all that unusual or out of the “norm.” He did bring me cards for two occasions a year later which I assume was “hoovering.” I did break down & text him after that but he hasn’t ever taken me up on my “offer.” I suspect he knows it’d do more harm to me to continue ignoring me (+ he doesn’t “need” me). It is infuriating to know a nice guy can’t buy a date yet a person who (ultimately) treats people with complete indifference gets all the dates he needs or wants. But this is the harsh reality of gay dating/social life. Depressing.

  • may4eto@hotmail.com'
    Stranger
    June 5, 2015

    Dear Melanie,
    I am still struggling to come to terms with my extremely traumatic break-up (more than 8 months ago) and to get some answers wether or not my ex was a narcissist (which I hope would relieve my feelings of shame, pain and regret for screwing it up). There are soooooo many things from your blog and other blogs that I have read about narcissists that describe him to the T. However, there is one thing that doesn’t add up. You say that narcissist cannot love anyone, not even family members, however my ex was extremely devoted to his father. He worshipped him to a point I had never seen in anyone before. He was completely devoted to him and would even sacrifice himself to take care of him (he is very old and sick). This doesn’t seem like a typical narcissitic behavior to me. If he is able to truly love his parent, maybe he is not a narcissist?… On the other hand, very typically, he had a very disturbed and unloving relationship with his mother…

  • blaire.boston@gmail.com'
    Blaire
    June 8, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    I just found you last week. I actually, just learned that the severe depression, severe anxiety, pain really, that I’ve been dealing with is because of the narcissistic abuse I’ve dealt with since I was very young. Before I can remember. In fact, the person I called my best friend was systematically — it feels like — attacking me since we were children. It’s like I was blind. Later, I fell in love with someone who was just the same. He had a high position over me, and in the end, I guess my life blew up. I lost the ability to sleep for a long time. I believed he was stalking me, able to hear my thoughts. He has a very strong empathic ability. I still believe that. The difference is that now, I believe that I am my own protector, and that no one can cause me harm unless I let them. It’s just now, I’m dealing with rage and emotions that I feel. I hated myself, even before I met him. My friend’s abuse had to do with her projecting her self-hatred onto me, but half the time, she was innocent-seeming. My Best friend. My mother is even more innocent-seeming. So, it goes even further than my childhood friend. I was just blind. I want to learn how to love myself, un-block my self-love. It isn’t about thinking. I’m glad to have found you. I think that you can give me, all of us, the tools. Thank you, again!

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    June 13, 2015

    This is to Phil, in case you happen to visit this wonderful article again… Hair loss. I was going bald, it sucked. Now my hair is growing back, how wonderful 🙂

    Just working with nutrition is very helpful, as part of the healing process. Blessings to you!

    Valerie in Colorado

  • Dawnmc2@comcast.net'
    Dawn
    June 15, 2015

    What a great article. I have been in a relationship with a narc for four years. One major problem is that he is also my neighbor. He lives only two houses away. When we first got together things were wonderful. I’ve never in my life felt so happy or loved. I did start to see a dark side to him and picked up in the fact that he also had some issues with alcohol. That should have been clue to run, but I loved him so I stayed because I wanted to help him. He has manipulated me in many occasions and has been unfaithful as well but has always come back telling me how sorry he was, how much he needed me, how much he loves me. A couple weeks ago he showed up at my house and told me that he needed to speak to me. He sat me down and as serious as he could be told me that he wanted to commit his life to me. He told me he loved me, he wanted us to live together. He ask me why I loved him, made me promise to never hurt him and promise to never cheat on him. After our conversation he had told several of our neighbors that we we moving in together. They all know we have been together for a long time. Then about two weeks after that I went to his house in the AM and found another woman in his bed. Needless to say I flipped out. I tried to push my way into the house. I had just slept there the night before. He held me close and told me how much he loved me. I was screaming so he got me back out to the porch. He stayed with me for three hours on the porch with tears in his eyes hugging me telling me “I love you, I know you don’t understand.” The woman just stayed in the bed and never came down. Who knows what he told her, but she has been back almost every night since. As I said he is my neighbor. I see him everyday. He could walk many ways but he walks his dog by my house three times a day. He will send a text at 4am to say he is thinking of walking over. That just means he wants to have sex. He stops if he sees me and says he just wanted to say hi but then will hug me and stroke my hair, kiss my lips and face. Then he will leave after making a comment make me think he just had sex with the other woman. I don’t know how to get away from him. I am trying. I find myself staying away from my home now so I don’t see him or her because I can see his house from mine. It’s torture. Utter torture. I know he has targeted me, I fell for it 100%. I feel like I’m in hell with no way out. He is just right there pulling me in and torturing me for pleasure. I’m not sure what kind of woman would participate in it with him, I just know it has ripped my life to shreds. I hurt so much and I just want my life back before I allowed him to do this to me. It’s so hard with him so close though. Do you have any advice for that?

  • mssippi@hughes.net'
    Peggy
    June 17, 2015

    I believe that my sister, J, is the narcissist in my life. She also is the POA for my 98 year old mother, who is in assisted living. She does make sure that my mother is well cared for physically, although I don’t think she is as respectful as she should be. She has, in the past, expressed tremendous resentment against our mother for things.

    Anyway, last year, she decided that I should not be invited to the annual family luncheon for our mother’s birthday. She apparently got my other sister, S, and brother to go along with her plan. When I asked my other sister what the plans were, I was told that she couldn’t plan anything due to her own husband’s health issues, and that J and her husband were just going to take Mother out for a quick lunch. I then planned to go visit Mother later in the afternoon, with a homemade birthday cake and gifts. Of course, when I arrived, I learned all about the lovely birthday luncheon. At that point, I decided to cut off all contact with both sisters. I had already withdrawn from J to some extent. It really hurt that S would lie to me, as I adored her. When I called my brother to find out if he knew, in advance, that I was excluded, he told me that I “had it coming” because I would not do anything for Mother despite being asked numerous times. This was a total lie. I ended up cutting contact with him, too. I told them all that I wanted no contact, except for information about Mother.

    Mother fell a few weeks ago, but no one bothered to let me know. I went to visit Mother, and J arrived a few minutes later. I told J that I wanted Mother to give me authorization for the assisted living center to let me know if anything happened to her. J immediately started berating me in front of Mother. I told her that this was neither the time nor place for the discussion. She accused me of talking to her friends, using foul language. I asked her what she was talking about (because it never happened). She then started in on how she had POA, blah, blah. My hearing aid was broken and she talks so fast that I could not understand a word. Mother stiffened up and said, “J, stop!” J didn’t stop, so I told her that I was not going to fight with her, kissed my mother goodbye, and told J’s husband that he needed to get a grip on his wife (because she was upsetting Mother), and left. I went to the office to apologize if I had offended anyone there. The nurse made me sit down because I was so upset, and she took my blood pressure, which was very high. The next thing I know…one of the employees came and said that I had to leave. As I left, my sister was in a room with about 6 other people, none of whom were present when she was having her temper tantrum. I then got a nasty letter, signed by all three of my siblings, accusing me of bad behavior and upsetting Mother. My other two siblings believe her.

    She also treated her husband’s sister the same way, and when her husband’s father died, his sister did not inherit anything at all because of my sister’s actions.

  • eharidas@gmail.com'
    Eva
    August 7, 2015

    I have been reading up tons of stuff about narcissistic abuse and NPD. Exactly like you said in the video. I was in therapy for clinical depression for 3 months now. (Thats where I found out I was being abused by a narcissist)And then I found your site. I dont know how to explain it but this is speaking to my soul. It is as if you are my abused soul talking to me. Months of therapy has not been able to show me the path to recovery. You have done it. God bless, Melanie, you have saved one life right here. And so many others, I am sure. Peace. Eva

  • Kate@hotmail.com'
    Katy
    October 19, 2015

    Thank you so so much for sharing this blog, I thought I was going crazy and on the brink of a nervous breakdown but reading your articles and others stories have helped me rationalise. I had not even heard of the words narcissistic or sociopath until 18 months into my relationship with one. I still have a hard time believing what I read, that any human being can treat another so badly, that surely they can not know what they are doing. I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago, we were both married. I had been married for 2 years but had was living in a loveless relationship, despite this i had never been unfaithful and wanted to try to save my marriage. Then I met my BF, he persued me strongly, was incredibly charming and wouldn’t take no for an answer, he said everything I wanted to hear, acted like my long lost soulmate, he involved himself so deeply into my life and me into his (under a controlled fashion) that I felt like I had known him forever from the very start. 6 months into this he changed, totally changed. By that point I was so entangled, madly in love and dependent on him that I had no idea how to handle it. I’m sure some of you would believe given the stories I read but most of them are almost unbelievable. The things he has done and said to me and shocking and yet the more he continued the harder I held on and more desperate to fix things I became. 3 years later and after 2 weeks together abroad last month with work (we work closely in same industry) where he left me a nervous wreck with cold nasty words, teesing and withholding, jealousy, control, aggression, other women in my face, including sexual acts with a hockey, which he keeps telling me is because he doesn’t want anyone to suspect we are together) I know i have no choice but to walk away b4 he destroys me. I know I have to take responsibility for my actions as I am still married but I do genuinely believe I would never have caved for anyone else, the manipulation to get me where he wants me and to keep me there is shocking, I still can’t believe that people behave this way. Everything I read on this site is him down to a tee, totally accurate. I just hope I can stay strong as he will Persue me heavily because this break up is not happening on his terms. I don’t think he is capable of change, I would have done anything for him, I lent him a large sum of money when he was stuck (will prob never see that again) helped him grow his business, supported him whenever he needed me, stood up for him against others, sacrificed all my own needs but it would never be enough, I think actually it makes him worse towards me, maybe it’s because I became a doormat and he lost respect for me. I now feel unattractive, used, humiliated and angry, I hope one day I can forget this.

  • nellslife@gmx.com'
    Nell
    November 10, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you so much for putting into words what i have never been able to quite explain about my abbusive relationship of 12 years with my ex !!! The Jecklyll andHyde thing so ressonates with me, like he could be two opposite people…fully charming and charasmatic then split in an instant to abbusive and fully degrading me to the point where i did not feel like i existed on the inside. After ten years of being out of that relationship i still am fighting my demons that were created in that space (and probably before that too) 🙁 I am finally in therapy this year and slowly learning about myself, this article really helps me to understand a lot of what i went through and the continuous cycle that played unhelthily out !! Your words really made me feel more “sane”, lol….Nice to know people actually understand this stuff :)….Thanks !!!

  • shannon_madeley@yahoo.ca'
    Shannon
    February 23, 2016

    Thank you so much! This article definitely resonated with me. I wish I had the words to express how thankful I am to your work and to the NARP program. It has seriously changed my life in ways I never imagined. THANK YOU, XO

  • ruby_barajas@yahoo.com'
    Ruby Barajas
    October 7, 2016

    Hello Melanie
    I am blessed to have found you.. i have been in this crazy relationship or should i say situation (it is far from a relationship) for 1 yr and 11 months. I have been cheated on verbally and physically abused ive ended it 10 times.. due to cheating, lieing, disrespectcatching him talking to numerous females behind my back on dating site and the list goes on.its a long story im trying to make short in a nutshell i feel defeated and lifeless lonely everything you describe a narcissist to cause a person to feel is exactly how ive been feeling… its was great the first 3 weeks because he was faking his true self.. im at my wits end on how i can allow a person to make me feel so worthless and i continue to stay… please respond with any advice you can give me… Thank you so much!

  • annabel@journeyforearth.com'
    Annabel
    October 23, 2016

    Hello Melanie,
    I am so grateful I found your website. Thank you. I was seeing a man for 4 months this year. I didn’t really have much “love-bombing” at all although we spoke on the phone for hours and hours before anything even happened (like 22 hours over a 3 week period). It was mainly him telling me stories about his life though. Anyway I already trusted him as he was – and still is – my sons Kindergarten teacher (oh yes…) until June 2017. But right from the beginning practically I felt anxious, worried that he would end it…he was hot and cold almost immediately, seemed so sincere in the moment, then aloof, cruel at times, never asked me how I was, then suddenly wanted to explore other women (I said no of course), said he didn’t want to be anyones boyfriend but would then say he wasn’t sure and just needed more time….said things like “there is temptation everywhere…”, knew how much I wanted to go sailing (he lived on a sailing boat) and never took me…there was always a reason why he couldn’t (but took his friends of course). Anyway, over the summer holiday he just vanished. Never contacted me. I was awfully depressed, panic attacks, felt like my insides had been scraped out, like an oily residue on me, suicidal thoughts for a few days even. Anyway have done a lot of past life work with my therapist and strangely all 3 past lives I went back to we had a strong love for each other. Although maybe I’m just wrong with what I saw. Here we are at the beginning of the school year again (I am in Los Angeles) and I thought we could be friends, have sort of an “in between stage” (I did a lot of healing over the summer and told him exactly what I thought of him and how he had hurt me and he seemed to listen sincerely)…and talking with him again just ignited all these feelings again and I shared things with him that I had talked with my therapist about…and he said he wanted to keep talking… But there were just more lies…like he said he wanted to be celibate (conscious celibacy) and needed therapy and wanted to stop hurting people etc etc….and then couple weeks after being with me and saying this (yes I couldn’t resist him) he had already gone away with a girl to New Mexico and slept with her and liked someone else too. Anyway, I can’t go no contact so I am ignoring him, not even looking at him. I thought about going to the principal because what he is doing is not ok. Knowing I wanted a committed relationship from the start and presenting himself as someone who wanted that too and then just wanted “fun and easy” (his words)…is not ok. Especially when I am the mother of one of his 2 year students. (And he flirts with all the parents…especially the single parents). Anyway I understand all that you say about co-creating this experience and I am committed to my healing in many ways. It’s just very hard having to see him 5 days a week. And yes I am still hurt. It’s only been 3 weeks that it all truly came to an end (for me…so an 8 month period I was “hooked”…although for him he was done in June).
    Sorry for this long message….I just wanted to say “Thank You” and that I do see the truth and the light and am inspired to create workshops now and am seriously considering becoming a Quanta Freedom Healing Practitioner. I have gone to several sites and they are all very informative, but yours takes it much deeper with regards to healing. I have doubted whether he really was as manipulative/narcisisstic as I suspect as it was only really 4 months that we saw each other…but I have never felt so used in my entire life, so discarded and meaningless to someone…
    Anyway “Thank You!” x

  • hsookdewo@silica.net'
    Hema
    July 18, 2017

    Hi there. Hope you are well. This article is so accurate. It’s amazing how cruel people can be. Well, my narc of 12 years recently got married to someone he met as week before he got married. Very beautiful professional women. I still don’t know how that happen. He was in contact with me and then just disappeared again. Then I hear of this marriage. I’m s hurting. I spent my prime years with this man and he married someone else who he met for one week. He puts up pics everywhere and she seems to be so happy. Sometimes I feel that maybe I was wrong bec bed now he is with someone and I’m still alone 🙁

  • blu.noah@gmail.com'
    Raul
    August 22, 2017

    A very accurate article like all the other articles. Thanks Melanie for the wonderful mine of information you are sharing. I would like to ask a question. I have been 5 months of no contact with my ex Narcissist. Prior, I was for 2 years in constant abuse such as the triangulation, silent threat, discard, hoovering etc.. She brought me on the verge of losing myself. However, despite I do not want her back, I still love her and wish that things could have been different. Meanwhile, in a whole year, I did not engage myself in a new relation as I believe that first I do have to heal my inner damaged self. Thus, could it be that 1) it takes a pair new socks to throw away the old ones? 2) I am still damaged with no self-confidence? 3) I still believe that she was my soul mate coz she gave me exactly what I needed during the love bombing phase? My heart still pounds fast every time I see her which evokes hurt and ache. She is a very beautiful charming sweet talker lady but very false and void once you get to know the real her, like all covert narcissists after all and what scares me most is that her 9-year-old son (which I looked after his education and well-being) will become like her. He is witnessing all the manipulation his mum is using to gain supply from new guys while smearing his father. I have no control over the situation since I am not the biological father and I was never married to her. However, finally, the boy’s father is taking action to take his son away from her. She is just a junkie without the junk and I was like a heroin user co-dependent on her (heroin) and the boy was the source (dealer) so that she could hoover me back for supply.

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash
    August 23, 2017

    Dear Mel, this is a great article and everything in it resonates with me. You make such sense out of such incredible chaos and confusion. I am in year 3 of separating. I have teenage children so it’s very hard to do total no contact as he uses them as an excuse so well (and I would allow this to happen for ages). But I feel finally like I am getting there. I am now finally at a stage where I accept this situation and am beginning to understand it (not just logically) with the help and support of these articles and NARP. I realise I still have a way to go and that this is ongoing. But for the first time in 23 years, I am beginning to detach properly and let go and embrace the place I am in. When I met him and was love bombed, it was everything you described and I remember the feeling so well of “coming home” but his mask dropped once I was 3 months pregnant and moved in with him. I remained for another 20 years, lecturing, prescribing and hoping to get him to see. All so I could go back to that feeling of being whole. Always when we got back to the honeymoon phase, I would feel such relief and go into such denial that it kept me hooked for years. And I knew on some deep level I was being played like a puppet. When I finally left, I never thought I would get over it. I was so afraid of being without him. The last 2 years since I left have been filled with torment and trauma. I believed he was the love of my life. He found a new girlfriend immediately and I thought I would die. But I am beginning to see the light and understand what this is all about. And this article is brilliant. I still have as yet to get divorced which is the final hurdle and his games around this scare me still but I am in a better place to cope with it now. Thank you so much. I just need to keep on with NARP (my main problem is finding time between work and teenagers when I can be quiet and alone so I don’t do as often as I would like) but I am on the right road finally (at the ripe old age of 50). I know that now. Much love Sash xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!

      How wonderful that you re detaching, self-partnering and healing now.

      Your entire incredible second half of your life awaits you Sash,and please know you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

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