Melanie Tonia Evans

Can A Narcissist Change In A New Relationship?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissists habitually move very quickly on to new partners. They seem SO loved up and happy with this new person!

Is it possible that your ex-narcissist can change and be different with someone else?  And what is it about, when your ex seems to LAST with another partner for years or even decades?

Is your prior partner CAPABLE of having a healthy and loving relationship with SOMEONE ELSE?

If these questions burn you up inside with the terror that perhaps another person is GETTING the man or woman that you wished you did… Please read this article.  I KNOW how much PEACE it will give you.

So many of you have asked, ‘Can a narcissist change in a new relationship?

I promise you this burning question used to be my own, too.

And understandably so, because when narcissists get into new relationships we believe they are totally loved up and everything is completely wonderful for them with the new partner.

But is this real?

Will the narcissist’s behaviour change and they become the wonderful partner who you missed out on?

In today’s article I am thrilled to be able to give you the REAL truths, in a way that can really help, about the question ‘Can a narcissist change In a new relationship?’

Let’s get started.

 

The Dichotomy of the Question ‘Can a Narcissist Change In a New Relationship?’

The answer to this question is both YES and NO.

The reason it is a YES is because narcissists can be distinctly ‘different’ from relationship to relationship.

The reason it is a NO is because happy, healthy, solid and durably loving relationships aren’t possible for a narcissist.

You will understand more about this soon!

 

Narcissists Being Completely Different With Different Partners

Let’s check out this example…

When Mandy joined the Thriver Community, I discovered she had married Sam three years prior and the poor lady had barely crawled away alive.

Sam, in his relationship with Mandy, was controlling, insecure and extremely jealous.

When Mandy went deeply inside to heal her trauma with Sam using the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), she discovered many fractures from her childhood that were to do with her being controlled; having her boundaries violated; not being believed or trusted, and being continually questioned.

Growing up, Mandy had felt like she was constantly trying to prove her innocence, explain herself and reassure others in order to be awarded any freedom or rights.

When Sam, the narcissist, came into her life, he quickly worked out that she had been engulfed and distrusted, not just by her parents but also by other love partners. Knowing this, he professed he would trust her, give her space and never question her integrity.

Mandy thought she had finally hit the jackpot with Sam. She fell madly in love.

They got married within months, after a whirlwind romance, but before long the cracks appeared. Exactly what Sam had professed to be, became the exact opposite. He started hurting her with accusations, distrust and intense jealousy.

Mandy was devastated. At the time, she didn’t realise her original traumas were being ripped open yet again, with full ferocity. Mandy was trauma-bonded to Sam, fighting desperately not only for her sanity, but to get this ‘wonderful’ man, who had originally seemed to be the saviour of her traumas, back.

Of course, initially this was all deeply unconscious for Mandy. She just knew she was panicked and emotionally terrorised.

She felt like she would die, even after she did get away from him – which is how our big, unhealed traumas FEEL once activated by narcissists.

Holding ‘No Contact’ was originally very difficult for her, like it is for many of us when we still have trapped trauma within our subconscious programs.

Anyway, thank goodness Mandy started working with NARP. She found, released and healed herself from the exact traumas that needed healing, stayed away from Sam, and completely rebuilt her life.

Predictably, life her life was better than ever, and she never again was attracted to men like Sam. The men that she started to meet and date, were not love-bombing her and Mandy was VERY clear that any signs of possessiveness and control were not something that she would ever have in her life again. Mandy started a committed relationship with a beautiful man who DID genuinely allow her space and grant her trust.

Two years later a woman named Corrine contacted Mandy, telling her that she was Sam’s partner after Mandy and that she had recently been discarded by Sam.

Corrine shared with Mandy how he was detached from her in their relationship, was never home, played up on her, and even threw other women in her face.

Mandy was shocked that Corrine said this about Sam’s behaviour. She couldn’t understand how he had changed so much – from being so possessive with her, always monitoring her, to not being around or giving a crap about what Corrine was up to!

I told Mandy this was normal; that narcissists commonly behave completely differently with different people, and that Corrine’s wounds would have most likely been from an absent father, a man who probably played up on her mother and who was completely unavailable and disinterested in Corrine as well.

Mandy checked in with Corrine and this was the truth. Corrine told Mandy that Sam had initially appeared in Corrine’s life as attentive, granting her love and devotion, which was what she had desperately been craving for.

He had worked out EXACTLY what was necessary to hook her in.

Then, of course, over time, he started HURTING her with the exact wounds that he had said he would HEAL for her.

Narcissists do this with every relationship.

Narcissists are not real, solid people with their own energy and identity. They are whoever they need to be to get people to trust them enough to gain narcissistic supply from them. Identifying and then carefully granting the missing piece to someone, is the fastest and most sure-fire way for a narcissist to get their fix.

Then, when that person inevitably falls from grace as a result of not supplying enough A-grade narcissistic supply, the narcissists turns on them. They have worked out the weak spot to hit – their partner’s greatest unmet, unhealed wounds.

 

Why the New Relationship Seems SO Loved Up

Narcissists usually love-bomb their targets in new relationships.

They ‘seem’ to have the same interests, values and want the same lifestyle as you.

They will say and do what pleases you to make you fall in love with them and trust them. They appear as your soul-mate; the life-partner who you have always dreamed of. This is so that they can quickly get into your bed, body and life.

All the while, they are being this delightful person only so they can identify your inner wounds and appear to be your saviour.

Narcissists, like fishermen with not much bait, have to hook a fish for a meal quickly. Otherwise, they starve.

Narcissists can’t manufacture their own emotional energy. They have No Self on the inside, which means the energy they expend quickly requires a payoff. This is a precarious balancing act. Narcissists will go over and beyond to do all that it takes to get their next love partner hooked. Champagne, flowers, trips, exotic experiences and expensive effort are extremely seductive to new potential partners.

And it doesn’t stop there.

When a drug addict secures a drug – they often binge on it. And it’s no different for a narcissist. He or she can get totally carried away with the high, the drug – you supply them with. But what this is really is self-medication for an inner tormented reality that the narcissist (drug user) doesn’t want to face – their true feelings about themselves and their unresolved trauma.

For the narcissist, narcissistic supply is their escape from the inner annihilating feelings of being defective, empty and self-loathing.

New partners are an excellent source of heady and high narcissistic supply, and a narcissist initially milks it for all it is worth.

If a narcissist has secured you as their next target, then they will be telling themselves that you are the BEST thing since sliced bread. You will be idolised to the point of the ridiculous, and the narcissist will tell you gushingly, and everyone else too, how you are the best sex, the most attractive, the smartest, the most successful – whatever it is that the narcissist is getting off on.

Of course, you are going to fall off this lofty pedestal – get thrown off, actually. It’s only a matter of time. A narcissist’s False Self is NEVER appeased for long.

This happens to all new sources … eventually.

 

But WHY Have They Lasted So Long?

You may think, because a narcissist was, or is in a long-term relationship, that they must have been successful in the relationship and maybe they really loved or love this person.

Please know, as I know, how wrong this is!

I know of so many people in this community who had been with narcissists for up to thirty plus years and had a horrific time much of the time.

The length of a relationship is absolutely no indication of its success. In fact, many Thrivers have had to dig very deep to heal the long years of abuse and painful programming.

Generally, the ending was terrible in these longterm relationships.  Because of being discarded, often brutally, by the narcissist for new and fresher supply, or they became so sick, including serious illness and emotional and financial devastation, that they had to get out to save their lives.

That is nothing to be envious of.

And I know that if they had stayed in the relationship, their lifeforce would have continued to be sucked out of them.

Okay, enough about the narcissist and the ‘what’ and ‘why’ – let’s now take your power back by talking about what YOU can do.

I hope I can help inspire you by sharing with you what I NEEDED to do.

 

Your Necessary Focus and Healing

Most of us have been through the agonising feelings of being replaced and someone else getting the life we were having or thought we should have.

This used to be VERY big for me – just the thought of it threw me into a panic both before and after narcissistic abuse. I had to dig deep and really focus on healing the parts of me that were:

  • Stalking exes on social media to see who they would hook up with next.
  • Trying to dissect the new partners to see what they had that I didn’t.
  • Obsessing painfully, and even having nightmares, about new partners and the wonderful life they were having with ‘my man’.

‘Can a narcissist change in a new relationship?’ used to be such a loaded and distressing question for me.

I KNOW, how many times I previously hung onto bad relationships because of the utter TERROR of being replaced by someone else.

And yes, ‘being replaced’ happened to me.

The first time it did, I felt like I was going to DIE, the grief and trauma was so bad.

I had to go inside and FACE these fractures and HEAL them. (As well as the ones that had led me into narcissistic relationships in the first place!)

Like many women, I carried deep in my DNA the fractures of my female forebears. Fractures that were primarily based around: ‘Without a man, I can’t survive.’

Supporting these deep fractures was the fact that my mother and her female relatives had NEVER not been in a relationship. And it was the same for the females on my father’s side.

Every time a relationship had ended in my life, narcissistic or non-narcissistic, my terror of being alone or replaced was off the Richter scale – no matter how successful, financially sound and capable I was.

Thank god I healed from THIS!

When you heal your fear of being replaced and alone, as myself and other Thrivers have, you will know THIS following truth:

Your ex-narcissist’s new partner is doing a soul contract dance with the narcissist just as you did – to have their unconscious wounds become conscious so that they can heal them.

And you will deeply bless his or her journey with the ex-narcissist, and hope for their soul’s sake that they awaken – just as you have – to not only relief from trauma with that person, but also to no longer needing to play out your same unhealed patterns with other people in their future.

For you, the relief that this relationship is NOT WITH YOU any more is indescribable! And you can become INCREDIBLY grateful that finally you can go inside, heal what has been limiting you and generating terrible trauma in relationships (just as Mandy did in our example today) and get free into a whole new Love Code that is healthy and happy for you.

Are you ready to heal and get out of the agony of being replaced?

It’s wonderful on this side, let me tell you! I and SO many Thrivers are here, and we want nothing less for YOU than to help you get here too!

If you are ready to heal, please sign up to my free Course where you will learn how to release yourself from the agony and how to attract and sustain relationships that are filled with love, truth and honesty instead.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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83 Thoughts on Can A Narcissist Change In A New Relationship?
  • carrietee153@gmail.com'
    ThrivingThankstoMel
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    My ex moved on so quickly from our divorce that one’s head would spin. Before the ink was dry on our papers and he was still trying to ‘get me back’ he was already dating the woman he is married to now. I have to say that while I have experienced these emotions with other relationships, I never felt the bad feelings of being replaced with him; I was just so relieved to be out! I knew what she was getting herself into and I felt bad for her. All of the love-bombing and proclamations of how wonderful his new relationship was on FB just caused me to cringe having been on the other side of those ‘happy pictures’. He found someone that he could trap financially and he pulled the trigger as fast as humanly possible. I can only say that when she finally realizes what she really signed up for, I will be supportive and send her your way!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Thriving!

      Awww love your name!! I’m so pleased I can help.

      How wonderful that you have healed to this level.

      Thrive on Dear Lady!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      • Gutierrezalfredt38@gmail.com'
        Alfred Gutierrez
        September 6, 2019

        Hi Melanie please thank my guardian angel for looking out for me.and bring u into my life.my case is different she called police on me for texts I sent and my guardian angel said enough.because in my case it backfired on her and I was the victim and she is everything I said about her was true..and she can’t hurt next threw the judicial system.thank u for being there for me..I’m still healing internally.Alfred

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 6, 2019

          Hi Alfred,

          I am so pleased that my information helps.

          Please know Alfred your case is NOT different. Many n’s use systems and police to try to abuse by proxy.

          Sending you best wishes for your healing.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

    • Cjudd1982@gmail.com'
      Ashley
      September 3, 2019

      I see a lot of these characteristics in myself, so perhaps I’m the narcissist??? I feel insecure, and without self. I also get jealous, and can be controlling. I too, fall very quickly in love. I also find that my happiness doesn’t last long, and that I need constant reassurance.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 3, 2019

        Hi Ashley,

        Sweetherat please know everyone when carrying trauma can act indecently and make decisions that hurt themselves and or others.

        Hun your level of self honesty quite frankly is very non-narcissistic. This is what separates wounded people from narcissists – the ability to be honest and humble.

        That’s a great step Ashley, and it truly means you are teachable and healable.

        I promise you Ashley I have been empty, insecure and almost histrionic in some of my previous relationships too, as a result of my previous unhealed wounds.

        Ashley my highest suggestion to you to heal is NARP. It will help you heal these insecurities and grant you true healing and wholeness in ways that are not contemporarily available and in time frames that will thrill you.

        Plus you have myself and the incredible NARP community to hold you and help you, every step of the way. Their honesty, humility and support is astounding. It’s the entire NARP culture, all doing spectacular healing together.

        These feelings and patterns can he healed, I promise.

        If you want to try and really get relief NARP is fully guaranteed, you have nothing to lose apart from the pain and painful relationship patterns. There is zero risk to try.

        Here is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and the NARP members community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

        Love and true healing to you.

        Mel 🙏💕💛

      • jimr0y@mail.com'
        James
        September 3, 2019

        I am in a similar place in that I can identify many narc traits in myself. There are some big contradictions too. The main one being motivation.
        When I read articles now I put myself and my ex partner in the place of the narc.
        I have not completed thus journey yet.

        A huge positive in all of this is that I have learnt much about myself that I previously overlooked. I am now in a position to make changes in myself that I want to see.

        I am in the right road now even if I’m not very far along it 😀

        My test question for myself is would I go back. The answer is clearly ‘no’ at last 😀

        • irrebrens@gmail.com'
          Brenda
          October 28, 2019

          Hi Melanie,
          I and my husband are just 8months into marriage but it has been hell for me. He constantly accuses me of cheating, abuses me verbally(he says he made a mistake marrying me & he regrets it) He even calls me barren cos I’m yet to conceive. Now my question is, is it right for me to leave the marriage now? Or is there a way to cope or get him to stop treating me that way?
          Pls I desperately need your response.
          Thanks. Brenda

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            October 28, 2019

            Hi Brenda,

            My heart goes out to you.

            Brenda we can’t change someones character.

            As heartbreaking as this is, this is not a safe husband or man anyone can be in healthy relationship with.

            Many of us after horrific early marriages hung on trying to change them and ended up desecrated.

            My suggestion is to leave, absolutely. With a man like this please plan wisely and stay safe.

            Mel 🙏💕💛

  • mistykelly123@gmail.com'
    Laura
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    How do you let go of the past when you don’t know how to let go of the anger and hurt. My ex cheated on me excessively. When I found out, I said we’re getting a divorce. His new supply is 2 years older than me but is part owner of a business
    She knew my ex was married but that didn’t stop her from even sleeping in my marital bed. He allegedly had my home robbed. He had people take my entire jewelry box with my deceased mother’s jewelry and the worst part, he had those thieves take my dog’s ashes. We had no children. He is rich, loves his possessions and his new supply
    They live together. He has to pay me alimony so the narcissist he is had me robbed and got a way with it. He has a degree in criminology. I think my ex and new supply are perfect for each other. He’s had ED for over 10 years and never used a pill with me. He treated me like a piece of meat. I despise what he has done to me. There are too many things to list. He’s going to be happy with the new supply because she knows he had me robbed. She’s most likely wearing my jewelry. I moved away and blocked this filth. We got married at 38 and 40. I thought he would have had all the sex behind him but NO. I never knew he was such a narcissist until I started listening to videos. He’s definitely one. I called him a narcissist and he said he was proud to be one. I’m attractive and was a good wife to this loser. Part of me hates him and the other part pitied him. He did have a lousy childhood but this doesn’t excuse all the evil he has put me through.

    • merjd43@gmail.com'
      Maureen
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Laura,
      You sound like me back in 2003 after 42 years of the most horrendous life with a Narc that was “so nice” sure he was nice he put a loaded shotgun to my head with 2 little children asleep in another room but he was so nice. That’s one of the “nicer” things he did to me.

      I like you was soooo angry and hurt and bitter although other people never guessed because I was such a good actress I never showed it and until I finally got the courage to leave him, it was leave or be dead and my kids didn’t deserve that, but of course he made that out as if I was the horrible one, and of course I took him for multiple hundreds of thousands that were a figment of his imagination and all the other stuff these creatures do to us but he was such a charmer he wouldn’t do that “he’s too nice”

      I had come from a very violent childhood post-war and the day after we were married he made sure I knew I was some worthless piece of rubbish that he had control over… which he did for the next 40 years as I started my journey for the last 2 years working on myself so when I got out I wasn’t a miserable bundle of nerves and Melanie wasn’t around then to help me.

      You’ll get there when you get rid of all the “stuff” that’s swirling around inside you and then the next layer will come up so you get rid of that and on it goes, but you will come out of this and wonder what it was all about as your life gets to be so good and most of all HAPPY! Don’t worry about whatever lies he tells about you just remember “What anybody else thinks about you is none of your business” and this will give you great relief I promise you because it did with me, and don’t waste any mental energy on pitying him as he chose his way of life.

      Just let things flow, and know that I know what that piece of meat feeling is like but I got past it by not letting his lies or thoughts about me become any of my business, and slowly but surely people started to see him as he is and his “only woman he ever loved” wife is just like him so talk about Karma, what goes around comes around. Just heal yourself so life will enable you to be you without his mill stone around your neck.

      Good luck with the wonderful healing I know you can do for yourself and the rest of your life.

      • naomisuebrown81@gmail.com'
        Naomi Brown
        September 4, 2019

        I am studying to be a professional counselor, and I believe people are too quick to throw the “narcissist” label on people who they feel have wronged them. According to the DSM-5, only about 6.2 percent of the total population can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. But if you paid attention to the current social media trend of everyone claiming to be the victim of narcissistic abuse, you would think NPD is as common as the cold.

        I believe we in the mental health field do a great disservice when we encourage our clients to focus more on the faults of their former partners than on their own strengths. True narcissistic personality disorder can only be diagnosed from a consistent pattern over time. Just because someone may have been toxic for you does not mean they cannot be the perfect mate for someone else.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 4, 2019

          Hi Naomi,

          firstly, in this Community we are NOT dealing with garden variety relationship issues.

          Yes absolutely there may be people bandying around the N term, yet however HERE we are usually dealing with horrific personality issues, including pathological lying, malicious and vicious acts, cheating, verbal, financial and often physical abuse as well as incredible gaslighting, smearing and conscienceless acts, without remorse and with no ability, or resources, to be accountable for wrongdoing or atone.

          Someone with the capacity to do these things is NEVER Naomi a ‘perfect’ partner for anyone.

          And I promise you in the trenches here, you have no idea how many thousands of people report behaviors that are so SPECIFICALLY (eerily) stock standard of the condition of narcissism – word for word that they couldn’t ‘make-up’ if they tried. I can assure you we do have an epidemic. Do you really believe that narcissists offer themselves up for statistical diagnosis?

          PLEASE do not tell me that you would have a client come to you reporting such behaviours, who has C-PTSD symptoms, and conditions such as fibromyalgia and several nervous system disorders and can barely eat, sleep or function and you will tell her ‘don’t focus on him and we can’t be sure if he is NPD and this is all going to take time to work out!’

          In fact, Naomi IS the DIAGNOSIS of the abusive partner even important?? No it isn’t! Does it matter whether he is NPD, anti-social, histrionic, or some other ‘issue’ or just a JERK?

          No!

          What is important is that your client is with someone who has zero desire or even ABILITY to be a healthy, safe partner and this client needs the RIGHT help to be able to get off a horrific trauma-bonding, which is an addiction worse than being addicted to heroin, that is destroying them, get away, stay away, heal and get well.

          Cognitive therapy doesn’t do that Naomi. It doesn’t work for that – we can’t heal deep trauma logically. In all the thousands of cases I have worked with, I have not seen one case where it did. The only outcome was trying to hopefully ‘manage’ trauma symptoms. Only deep bodywork that can address trauma works.

          And certainly there is not going to be any help in your counselling for interpersonal abuse if you ‘take your time’ waiting to make sure he or she is even disordered. Quite frankly if you have a NPD abuse sufferer as your client by that time she/he may be dead.

          The wrong advice and lack of help nearly killed me – and I know of people that it did, or nearly did … far too many.

          Please read this article https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/are-you-with-a-narcissist/ and I hope you get very clear as a counsellor, that when this arrives in your office (as it will in droves) you know what is really going on – diagnosis or not.

          Please keep a reference to me and my specialised work, as many counsellors, DV workers and groups and psychologists do world-wide when it happens.

          By all means, google deeply into my work and reviews to understand what relief and true healing there is for people in this Community.

          And I hope this helps wake you up to not be indoctrinated into a system of ‘this is what I should do’, when what you need to do is meet your clients and help them stay alive, survive and heal. Please study what is REALLY going on out there, not what a text book tells you to do.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

          • helsbells11@hotmail.com'
            The Goddess Within
            September 20, 2019

            Hear hear,

            My ex does not have a diagnosis of Narcisstic Personality Disorder. However I had all the traits of a person who has attempted a relationship with such, including depression, anxiety and C-PTSD as do several of his previous ex’s including his first wife, who was suicidal. I know why.

            I tried everything the medical and the psychological profession had to offer me to heal. Family therapy, medication, mental health plans you name it I tried it. I had no idea what I was dealing with. It was my psychologist who threw the line into my therapy one day “He sounds like a narcissist”. Then a girlfriend who was going through a divorce started posting about NPD and I started to research.

            Finally after 6 years of trying everything in the book and hours of online “NPD support group” reading – yes this is a world wide phenomenium I assure you, I found Mel’s work.

            My life today is unrecognisable. I am no longer in any form of therapy, I am no longer medicated, my son and I are happy and I have found both the softness and the strength to date again.

            The N still constantly tries to poke at me. He no longer gets any response. There is simply not enough trauma left inside of me for his behaviour to attach too. If I feel triggered I use Mel’s guided mediations to bring myself back to a peaceful and calm place.

            My life and the life of my child get’s better every day. NOT due to anything the medical profession offered me. NOT due to anything the psychological profession offered me. NOT due to a new or “less toxic” relationship but because I did the work to heal using Mel’s resource as my tool.

            I really hope all professionals dealing with traumatized patients honour their hypocratic oath and their own moral imperative and be prepared to look outside the box and into things that work.

            I will be forever grateful to Mel. She saved my life. Her work helped me heal so that I could be a truly effective and loving parent and taught me how to let go of negative beliefs and set healthy boundaries so that in time I may call in the right relationship for me. In the meantime I have never been more content in my life.

            This is not hocus pocus. It’s fact. Surely these are the kind of results you want. As a professional and for your clients.

            Enough said,
            And thank you again Mel

            Love and light to you as always,
            TGW
            Xo

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 21, 2019

            Awww TGW,

            I am so happy for you darling soul sister that you broke through.

            You are so welcome 🙂

            Much love to you always too!

            Mel 🙏💕💛

          • tomesd@hotmail.com'
            D
            September 23, 2019

            Fantastic reply Melanie! Well said.
            Nobody truly knows what it’s like to live with an abusive person unless they’ve experienced it themselves. So I agree, it doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is and whether it’s NPD or whatever label you give it, as to be on the receiving end of any kind of abuse is horrendous and soul destroying. I will say, everything I read about NPD is what’s happening.
            XoX

        • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
          Connie
          September 8, 2019

          Good morning Naomi,

          I am in no way a professional counselor or have the expertise of Melanie Tonia Evans, however I met my now ex husband at the age of 16 and he walked out on me at 49. He was the love of my life (no matter how I was treated) along with my two children. I felt I needed to reply to you from my point of view.

          When I met my husband at sixteen he made me feel so special but also bad about myself. Thoughout marriage he would say things like “you should dress like that”, “you shouldn’t talk that way (when ordering in a restaurant), “but I was going to wear that color (on a date), go change”, “no one say nice things about me like they do to you”, “I just have a cold heart, get over it” and the list goes on. On our honeymoon in Florida, he pointed to a gals bottom and said “if you work hard you can have an ass like that” (I was 129lbs). Funny however, it was all followed up with “but I love you”. He would make fun of me in front of people and my kids, but then, “I love you”.

          As time passed, I wasn’t going to destroy my family by leaving even though something felt off. The “I love you’s” made up for everything. When he said he was going to move out for a bit because he wasn’t sure of what he wanted, his comment was “Your my best friend. You know, we could live next door to each other, grill steaks when we’re not seeing someone, have sex (which was on his terms) and then we can go back to our own homes.” Is that just “not a perfect mate” as you state?

          I found a counselor shortly before his departure who had a doctorate degree in psychology and she said “he was like an addict”. Interesting statement! We would see her separately one week and together the next. Amazingly one situation we talked about was when he almost tipped a 30′ foot boat over in the ocean with our kids and some friends on board he litterly cried in front of the phychologist. However, when the kids and I were on the boat again after the incident, he’d laugh and make fun of our fear and try to scare us by jumping waves. My son was about 7 and my daughter 11 at the time. They would cry but then get the famous “I love you and would never hurt you” statement. This continued for years. I tried to talk to him and let he know how scared we were and he’d say “get over it”. When I tried to explain to the psychologist how I felt, while he was crying, she said my “feelings weren’t relevant at this time”. That was the first time it “clicked” for me he could play with others emotions, even a psychologist with a doctorate.

          We have now been divorced since 2017 and I have been blamed for the divorce by him. Yet he walked out on us???? Weird! I have spent this time looking back over a life time. So many things make sense now thanks to Melanie’s understanding of what a true narcissist is. I have struggled with the lies, the true believing in another’s words…NOT the actions (which should have been my red flag), and my values of love, marriage and trust. He has been with many people since…each one the love of his life. I could write a book with all the realizations I’ve had to come to terms with over the past 30+ years. Many of which are stated by others in this community.

          Do I believe people throw the word narcissist around? Yes, but the people in the NARP community know the true meaning of the word. It is the most painful, unbelievable, rebuild of a persons inner soul that has to take place. I don’t know your age, but the way I try to explain to others is this… “It’s like having a baby. I can tell you everything you need to know about the delivery, but until you experience yourself…..you won’t understand”.

          My hope is that you never experience this, but please don’t ever put us in the “just not the perfect mate category”….. it is nothing of the sort. I’m sorry to say, it’s a closed minded point of view on your part. We are strong, amazing people with values that have been taken advantage of in the most evil way. To make us feel that we are, “not relevant”, to quote a psychologist with a doctorate, is just wrong.

          Sincerely,
          Connie Fox
          A narcissist survivor, thanks to the NARP program!

        • dimachin73@gmail.com'
          Louise Nichols
          September 26, 2019

          As a survivor of abusive relationships both familial and romantic I find it extremely inappropriate for someone claiming to study and I assume care about the mental health of women (and men) in these situations to be more concerned by the over use of a diagnosis description rather than focusing on the commonalities each of these horrific experiences share. And there are many. The TRAUMA caused by years of control, manipulation, bullying, silent treatment, gas lighting, physical and sexual abuse etc.
          These are the experiences we all share. And I’m sure we would all agree that we dont need the person in our lives to be ‘ officially’ diagnosed and labelled to know that their behaviours are deliberate, cruel and unhealthy and we need to remove them from our lives and focus on healing ourselves.

          I find your attitude shocking, that you find it appropriate to share your views on a platform set up to support and educate abuse survivors in their time of need. This is not the place to air your concerns about how the abuser is labelled or if he/she deserves that label. Many women here are already dealing with the crippling doubt that the abuse was in our heads, that we imagined it, that it wasnt as bad as all that, that it was somehow our fault because hes not abusive with anyone else. Your comments only serve to perpetuate the type of brain washing the abuse survivor has already endured from the abuser.

          Whether the abuser has narcissist traits or full blown NPD or another personality disorder is not the focus of Melanie’s work or the reason we are here. We are here to grow and thrive.

          You seem to suggest this community is a type of hysterical witch hunt bent on throwing around the term narcissist to explain away unsuccessful relationships. We dont seek out narcissists or falsely label innocent people. The thrivers in this group aren’t here because they experienced relationships where they and their partner grew apart or had a clash of personalities, These are not relationships based on love, respect or even basic common decency. To fully understand the depths of despair and agony you feel during and after an abusive relationship the only way is to experience one or speak in depth to a survivor. Not read about it in a text book.
          And can I suggest a little more empathy and understanding for the fight we’re all fighting for ourselves..and winning.

        • emkozel@yahoo.com'
          emily
          October 2, 2019

          “According to the DSM-5, only about 6.2 percent of the total population can be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder”
          This percentage would be higher and more accurate if people with NPD sought help but they don’t because they believe nothing is wrong with them – it is everyone else. If you are studying to be a professional counselor – you would know this it is readily avail info within the professional therapist community. Frankly your position is concerning and dangerous.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Laura,

      Please know there is a direct, simple and powerful way to find and release the trauma from your past.

      It is my NARP Program, which will grant you not only the way to do this, but incredible healing, relief and personal power http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      NARP is solely responsible for my Thriver Recovery as well as thousands of people in this Community (you will see the evidence of that everywhere throughout out all my social media platforms!)

      I so hope this helps Dear Lady. It’s your time to heal!

      Sending love and healing to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
      B
      September 3, 2019

      Do the Narp program…..its all there for your soul’s healing journey. The forum on the program is incredible. YOU WILL NOT LOOK BACK. Seriously there is nothing else to do and no other solution. Life changing. Focusing on healing your wounds, no focus on the narc…..that willnotshift anything. We can only work on ourselves.

  • sarareade2@gmail.com'
    Sara
    September 2, 2019

    I’m currently doing NC with my ex N..it’s 30 days today, and I feel like I need so much more time as the pain and bewilderment is indescribable!
    5 years we were in a long distance relationship ( meeting 4/6 times a year) and whilst I had flutterings of intuition that told me he was too good to be true I was desperate for love and attention and he gave it me in bucketloads!
    We met in 2014 in England.
    He told me in 2015 he had promotion from his career and had to move to U.S but would still have opportunities to come to England, and he was planning on saving and buying us both a home and marrying me.
    We did meet every time he visited with work. We had the most amazing times together…until he decided I was having too much fun and that’s when he would turn and become nasty and rude and impossible!
    The last time we met was the worst so I decided no more! And I finished our rather questionable relationship.
    Two weeks later my curiosity and craziness got the better of me and I searched him on Facebook.
    Turns out he returned to America and married a lady…a year after we had met and she is none the wiser 🙁
    The guilt is making me ill….I had no idea about her and I presume she of me 🙁
    How can I move on from the indirect guilt I feel?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Awww Sara,

      sweetheart it can be soo hard to move past the traumatised feelings that we have.

      If they are big enough and you feel like you CAN’T let them go, it is because the trauma has impacted and infected your Inner Ididnty.

      This is normal – and I promise you it doesn’t mean that this is your fault that you can’t, or that you are defective or that you can’t heal.

      NARP my Healing Program teaches you how to reach and release the trauma and live free of it.

      If you are ready to heal – there is a complete guarantee with NARP, so there is no risk to try – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      If you want to find out more about NARP, before ordering and downloading it, then come into my free webinar – where you can get to experience healing directly in your inner being – where that traum can be released – immediately. The relief you will know is real – immediately. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I totally suggest either or both of these suggestions to get past this.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      • sarareade2@gmail.com'
        Sara
        September 3, 2019

        Thank you so much for replying to me…you have no idea how much it means that you read my story as I feel ashamed and have no one to share with… 😢
        I shall definitely sign up for the free webinar and look forward to becoming a member of your wonderful community of Thrivers.
        Thank you ❤️

        • Sha.wms@hotmail.com'
          Sha Wms
          September 4, 2019

          Melanie!!!
          I was married to a narcissist for 12 years, he did everything thing you could do wrong in a marriage, from many affairs, having Children’s from the affairs, to abandoning me and our children. I thought for many years it was me. He has fathered 9 children by 6 women that I know of, their could be more. He labeled the two before me as crazy. Now I know who has the problem. As I have watch your video and read reviews from others I now know it wasn’t me at all. I have implemented the no contact and it has helped me so much. Although we have small children (our youngest is five) because I want communicate with him he doesn’t communicate with them even thou they have their own devices. Which is fine because they receive so much love from others, that he could never give. Thank you for the NRAP Family

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 4, 2019

            Hi Sha,

            Oh gosh!

            Honey, I’m so pleased you found this community.

            It is your time to heal for you and your children, and we are here with you supporting you all the way.

            So much love to you.

            Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Csoletti@mac.com'
    Christina
    September 2, 2019

    I believe my ex is a narcissist. She’s definitely an addict, but “dry.” I get so much out of these articles but here’s my question; I don’t think my ex is smart enough to be consciously doing this. Everything rings true and I relate so much, but I literally don’t think she’s smart enough to do all these “steps.” Al the boxes are checked, but is this behavior deep in the subconscious??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Christina,

      Hun, all of our behavior comes from our inner beliefs – period.

      This is true for anyone’s healthy or unhealthy behavior.

      The more unconscious a person is – the more their life is fully on autopilot – reactions to emotional triggers to do with unhealed wounds in their life.

      I hope this answers your question.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      • katiemsteele@gmail.com'
        KatieS
        September 2, 2019

        Melanie,

        I just want to say thank you for this article. This is exactly what I’m going through right now and it is very painful. Luckily I’ve already started my healing journey with your program and I can honestly say that I don’t feel like I did just a week ago but I know that I still have a lot of work left.
        Thank you so much for taking what you went through and learned and sharing it with the world! You are my hero.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 2, 2019

          Hi Katie,

          awww you are so welcome, I am so pleased NARP is helping already.

          Bless you and stay strong and keep healing.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Rcraik1@gmail.com'
    Rebecca
    September 2, 2019

    I just love your site and all that you do! Keep healing people. You’ve helped me a great deal ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Awww Rebecca,

      thank you for your beautiful words.

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    I know this was an important question at one time, but my current reaction to it now was instantly:
    “Who cares?”

    That’s how I know how far I’ve come. I’m not just faking indifference, I am truly over him, it, and the whole story. Thanks for asking!

    The finale was my complete, utter EMOTIONAL triumph over self effacement.

    I love your video, topics, blog and I remember how much the community support mattered during the crises period. But it surprised me today to read the question and feel absolutely NOTHING. ZERO.

    My life is not about being a survivor anymore. Nor even a thriver. The experience helped me find the REAL ME . I keep the gift of discovery but find that I’ve shedded the snakeskin that had had me covered. I feel a perfect indifference either way to what he is or isn’t.

    Still grateful for the kindness of God for the perfection of the experience I had with him and it’s lessons. Nothing but net.

    Now…
    Moving on…. Thanks for asking.,
    🤗

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      Gosh don’t you love the ‘who cares’ … I’m so with you!!

      Love the REAL you hun – that is what it is all about – the just IS!

      Mwah.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • alicia.ettlin@gmail.com'
    Alicia
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    I can relate so well with the experiences and feelings you describe in this article. My ex discarded me over a couple of months even though he was already with his new girlfriend. Every time he thought I try to get away from him, he would hoover me back just to dump me. It got worse and worse. He took sadistic pleasure in hurting me and seeing me begging him to treat me better.
    His new girlfriend seems to have narcissistic traits herself. While I dont want anyone to go through what I have experienced, it is hard to see them together. They seem to be exactly the same and both feed off of each other. They both think they are superior to others and the fact that they are together makes them the ultimate power couple. Neither of them seem to be interested in soul searching or looking insight to heal their inner wounds. Indeed, it would create an injury if they would admit that they are less than perfect.
    In my head I go through this scenario all the time: what if she is perfect for him and it works because she as narcissistic as he is? What if they are in the constant love-bombing stage because she is not getting boring for him and he in return feeds her ego? They have been together for a while now and even have a child, so it is not as if they’re romance was full of passion but then did go any further.
    I am very confused and appreciate your feedback and the article that you have written.
    Thank you, Alicia

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Alicia,

      sweetheart – please know that when we are stuck in ‘paralysis analysis’ looking outwards in reaction to the inner feelings of pain inside – we are trying to work out ‘ourselves’ in WRONG town!

      Hun, it will only be when you turn within that you will find the true wound that was in existence before you even met him, that is now being activated within you as conscious trauma.

      My greatest (and ONLY) suggestion is to turn inwards, do the inner work to find it and heal. Then I promise you that you won’t give a CRAP about him or her – genuinely!!

      I know I keep saying it today, but truly NARP is the way that we all did this in the Community. It takes us out of our heads, into our bodies to do the true healing at the level of emotional and limbic systems, where the trauma resides.

      When that is released and healed you will go free.

      If not you are stuck with the trauma going around in painful circles and even indefinitely and staying on Love Trajectories that will only bring more of the same painful inner program – until you FINALLY turn inwards and heal it.

      Check out what I wrote to Sara – this completely stands for you too lovely lady.

      You can do this!

      Lots of love Mel 🙏💕💛

  • cdbaker12295701@gmail.com'
    Connie
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melodie! I’ve been following you for about 4-5 yrs now, watching your videos & being on your website. I think I signed up for one of your healing classes but not sure. I am now on Disability from all the emotional, mental & verbal abuse the ex narc put on me! All of it caused me so many terrible health problems. My life is so different now! I’ve even developed an Autoimmune Disease of my Liver! I’m fixing to start treatment for that. I feel so bad physically most days I can barely do anything but yet every now & then I get weak & start talking to him again! I do good for 4-5 months & when the block comes off his number & he starts texting me, here it goes again. Verizon Wireless only puts blocks on numbers for 90 days & then it automatically comes off. But one good thing is I’ve managed to stay away from him physically for 3 yrs now but I just cannot seem to break away from texting him back every 3-4 months or so. I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t feel pleasure for anything anymore & deal with depression, anxiety & C-PTSD on a daily basis. I’ve aged so much in the past 2 yrs that my self esteem has gotten the lowest it’s ever been. Any suggestions as to what I can do to get out of this deep dark place would be so much appreciated! Thank you so much for everything you do to help so many people!

    • harffert@yahoo.com'
      Michelle
      September 5, 2019

      Hi Connie, Wow we have a lot in common, even down to 12 years together and being on disability. Maybe we could provide support for one another through email sometimes. Let me know if interested. Best wishes, Michelle

  • cdbaker12295701@gmail.com'
    Connie
    September 2, 2019

    I forgot one thing. Me & the ex narc have been together off & on for the past 13-14 yrs. I don’t know if that would make a difference in my healing time or not

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Connie honey,

      please know it doesn’t.

      In the Quantum Reality – our Inner Being – it is timeless.

      We have trauma and false beliefs that require releasing and replacing to get well, and once that happens (when it happens) we just get better!

      I promise you that it is a lie that healing takes a certain amount of time.

      Have you looked at NARP – its always going to be my true healing suggestion for you.

      Connie, please know that if you are on disability that we have some sponsorship opportunities. 10% of all NARP members are sponsored on to NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I am not sure if we still have any placements left this month – but if you can’t afford to get onto our healing system and can grant information about your situation, then we may be able to help you start healing for free if you can’t afford the Program – or pop you onto the waiting list. Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com for more details.

      Also please know once on NARP, you have access to the NARP Members Forum, whereby we have the best, loving, incredible NARP members, some who have overcome what you are going through you including chronic pain/illness – to fully support your healing http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      You don’t have to go through this alone.

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • tlorch@gmail.com'
    Theresa Lorch
    September 2, 2019

    Perhaps narcissists can be chameleons as long as doing so provides narcissistic supply. Empaths similarly do the same for a different outcome, to feel included, accepted, and loved? So whether a narcissist or an empath, living consciously is the goal and more likely to be reached by an empath.

    • lorrainewilcock529@gmail.com'
      Lorraine Wilcock
      September 2, 2019

      My ex was looking for supply whilst still seeing me occasionally …I didn’t know at the time..I was so desperate one time I rang him just to talk to and see if we could just be friends…before I asked him that question…I asked him another which was …are you seeing anyone? His reply was yes which he got great satisfaction from because he was fuming I was no longer rolling over and being at his beck and call. Actually I was relieved I now knew I could move on properly rather than tooing and frowing in this absolutely so called relationship. At first I thought oh I hope I don’t see them together it will hurt as he lives round the corner from me on the same street…then I realised I would never see them together as he would hide her as he did me and she would become an invisible woman as I did. You see he has to keep up the front because of his religious beliefs so all the while playing the good boy on the outside while on the inside breaking every rule of his religious belief system making him the biggest hippocrate EVER. This is the truth Mel not long after I came to peace about the new girlfriend in fact I feel sorry for her and came to understand through your work she was in her own soul contract. I only hope she wakes up before I dId. My wounds are not yet healed regarding him I am in your programme but have suffered some serious health issues which have taken over my life. I am so scared of losing my narp programme again so I am waiting to go to town to a computer man to do this for me. My extreme fatigue and illness prevents this but I am determined to do this before I leave this mortal coil. Thank you and God bless you Mel

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 2, 2019

        Hi Lorraine hun,

        that is so great that you are at this level of acceptance.

        I’m not quite understanding why you aren’t able to do the healings. Can you access them on your computer?

        Your log in grants you immediate access on-line without having to save them on your PC.

        Sweetheart if you are not sure about anything to do with the healings technically, please email support@melanietoniaevans.com and one of our lovely team will help

        Mel 🙏💕💛

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      I so agree Theresa,

      to all that you have said.

      Bless!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • sharplesrachel2010@hotmail.co.uk'
    Rachel Sharples
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    I’ve just been overlapped and replaced by my ex covert narcissist after a early four year relationship where I lived my life and my seven year old daughters life to be near him in a very small village.. He is parading round with her now. She’s younger, childless and rich. My daughter is settled and we have our own place but I’m scared of not being able to heal as I have to come into contact with him so much in this little village. Id like to be able to stay (I have my own place but it’s at the end of his street) but even though I have blocked him everywhere I’m going to see him and his new gf in real life. Can I possibley heal and get over this while being in such close proximity? I never realised he was a narcissist until the very end, and have since discovered his lies and infidelities via other people.. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Rachel,

      Big hugs, my heart goes out to you ….yes lovely lady, please know that you can do the NARP healings http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp if the N is still in your life, and even then still heal.

      There are peeps who have worked with and even lived with N’s achieve this!

      The ex N in my life lived in the neighboring suburb and frequented many of the same areas.

      When the trauma of them is shifted out – I promise you that you dont even bump into them … that is the level you will get to!

      Sending you love, hope and power

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • eva.brandstoetter@gmail.com'
    Eva
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    my Ex (Narcissist) and me got splitter up Months ago now,.. sadly we will be connected for lifetime, cause I got a little baby boy – 6 months now – (& I gladly really love) by him.
    Now my Ex-Partner and his Ex girlfriend before me are a couple again, I think. This was so hurting for me. I had thoughts like, “what didn’t I see”, even if she had a psychosis after their being together, she went back to him again,.. (?!?)
    Now I’m a fresh NARP Member, working on Nr. 1 of the courses. It’s getting better and easier to carry.
    But in my mind, there is still the question, what did I do wrong, why she hooked up again with him, even when she ended up in hospital the first time after their relationship. Is she now recovered, so that she won’t fall back into her psychosis?

    I know with my mind (not jet with my heart) that I don’t want him back, also he doesn’t tell me the truth about his new(old) partner, but still I should give my baby to them for daddy-“care”, not knowing what will happen to my baby, who is really there, … tons of questions and I don’t get any answers, cause that would help me and anything (knowledge about what’s going on) that would help me, I won’t get from him, just because I would need it..

    I’m really exited about my inner wounds and which exercises I can do to heal this “afraid of not knowing what’s happening” and learning to trust the narcissist (omg) that he will be nice to our son. (big fear!!)

    What do you recommend to work on, that I can let go my Baby to his Dad, he has also the right to see his baby, even if he did exactly nothing to help me the first 6 months, has no idea who our son is.

    I’m really happy, that I found you and your Program and hope I can let go my fears of future for my son with this father.
    Is there anything of the Narp you can specially recommend for topics like this?

    Thank you sooooo much, Melanie!
    All the best!!

    Eva

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Eva,

      so much love to you – what you are dealing with is very painful.

      It is great that you are on NARp and working with the healings.

      EXACTLY those feelings that re coming up as painful obes, take them to Module 1 and release them – keep going with that inner work.

      Eva I really would love you to come into the NARP Porvaue Forum, where we can deeply hold you and help guide you through parallel parenting and what is going to be the most healthy for your son.

      That is where the deep NARP Members work takes place.

      Is that ok with you?

      If so please come into http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member You will absolutely love the support and powerful healing that takes place in there with us all.

      So much love to you and your baby

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • magdamusumba@yahoo.com'
    Magdalene Ananda
    September 2, 2019

    Thanks Melanie for the awesome and precious work you are doing to help us heal and thrive. l have been married to a narcissist for 33 years of misery and loneliness. Little did l what l gotten myself into. He didn’t love me it seemed there was a different reason why he married me other than love.
    We have three adult children, he made them hate me, only now they realized he is the evil one.
    I have had no contact now for 8 months. He lost his job over 15 years ago charged with abuse of office in a court of law. I have spent alot in this marriage in terms financial. I have been blackmailed into building a house which is uncompleted because l discovered who he is and l stopped sending him money.
    How can l regain my finances on this house l don’t see myself living with him at all. Melanie help me!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Magdelene,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      Magdelene sweetheart daly with N-abuse, can come financial loss, but we gain the wealth and healing of our souls. Then ironically that is when our lives seem to financially reset, when we truly value ourselves.

      My suggestion is to get out of the deal as healthily and quickly as possible start again – and see how Source / Life / God starts to back you.

      Healing yourself is the most precious thing you can ever do, and if you put that above all other ‘things’ then the rest starts to generate itself. Truly – I have seen this happen to so many people, as well as what happened in my life.

      Sending you love and strength

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • abmstck@yahoo.dk'
    Anne
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    Thank you for all your informative articles, which I find very helpful.
    I would like to ask, if you would consider writing an article about narcissism in other relationships than romantic ones?
    My own most difficult struggles are with my two sisters as well as with female friends. I experience relationships with women as deeply unsatisfying, hurtful and very unpleasant. My sisters have no integrity or empathy, they are acting controlling, devaluing, self-serving and self-absorbed. It took me a very long time (decades, actually) to see this clearly. Now I have come to realize that I always seem to make friendships with women who seem to posses these exact same traits in different combinations: women who are incessant talkers, where I literally can’t get a word in edgewise, women to whom I can not tell confidential things, because they have no integrity and tell it to other people, women who lack empathy, women who are acting self-serving and for instance try to sell me worthless objects to overprice, women who try to take control over my life a.s.o.
    This really makes me sad and to be honest I have more or less given up hope of having satisfying female friendships, so instead I lead a rather lonely and isolated life with my partner (a man) and have only ever had real friendships with men.
    I realize that it must be the same dynamic for me with women, as it is for women with narcissistic male partners, but still it is a little different, and it would just be very helpful for me to read about this particular problem, and I can’t really seem to find much on this subject anywhere. Therefore I decided to ask you, if you would consider writing an article about it?
    Thanks and all the best.
    Anne

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Anne,

      it’s my pleasure!

      Please know Anne that I have created resources for Family of Origin narcissism – if you google my name + family you will see it.

      Also, there are countless of members working with NARP, worldwide that are working my healing system to recover from family narcissists, including siblings.

      That truly is the real way that you can achieve a full recovery – and once starting the system you will understand why.

      This is my greatest recommendation for you to not only solve your frustration, but free you from the trauma you have experienced with your family, and ongoing female issues – all of it will heal!

      Also please know you have a complete full guarantee that if you don’t receive real and spectacular results you don’t pay a cent!

      http://www.melaietoniaevans.com/narp

      This is your answer Anne! Don’t give up!

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      • abmstck@yahoo.dk'
        Anne
        September 2, 2019

        Hi Melanie
        Thank you so much, I really appreciate your warm and encouraging answer. I will google your resources for Family of Origin narcissism and look into the NARP-therapy.
        Lots of love to you also and thank you <3
        Anne

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 2, 2019

          Awww Anne,

          It’s my pleasure!

          Power and love to you.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

          • abmstck@yahoo.dk'
            Anne
            September 6, 2019

            Hi Melanie
            Can I just ask, is it the “Transforming Family of Origin Wounds” that I should choose in order to work with my difficulties with female friendships and my sisters?
            I can just hardly believe, that it only costs $ 59??? Or have I misunderstood something?
            Kind regards from Anne

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 7, 2019

            Hi Anne,

            truly it is an add on to NARP. Hun work with NARP first, it is the foundational program to healing from narcissistic abuse – including F O O abuse.

            Then you may want to work with TFFOW afterward.

            Mel 🙏💕💛

    • linalibre@gmail.com'
      Weena
      September 3, 2019

      I just have to comment to Anne too.
      I am dealing with the exact same issue, and thanks to reading Mel’s articles, now understand that my unsatisfying pattern of female friendships follows the unhealthy one with my own sister. And I never would have noticed this before.
      When you see it, you see it! and… wow. That’s the opportunity for healing.
      At first it broke my heart and then I saw it for the opportunity it really was. Now I can begin to have healthy, adult relationships in which I am not the kicking post.
      My husband has encouraged me to go partial-no-contact, rather than full NC, because where family is involved, it’s like having kids with your narc ex–sometimes it really is necessary to be in touch about family issues (especially because, in my case, our parents are still alive). I am being polite but distant and trying to avoid coming off as passive-aggressive toward my beloved but truly deranged and abusive sister but overall my goal is to break away from the pattern I have been locked into since the day she was born.
      I would not have seen my role in this awful pattern if not for Mel’s teachings. Remember, in the end it’s all about YOU, not them, and it is your job to look inward, see who you have been, and make a healthier choice for yourself.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 3, 2019

        Hi Weena,

        Thank you for supporting Anne!

        Its beautiful Weena you are taking your power back and detaching from your sister. That’s so important!.

        Have you been in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar ?

        If not I suggest checking it out, as in the Quanta Freedom Healing there you can load up the traumas inflicted by your sister to experience fully releasing them.

        Your shift and relief will get great accelerated as a result, As well of course the healing from her that you seek.

        Much love to you and again thank you for you kindness and support.

        I love that about our beautiful community.

        Mel 🙏💕💛

      • iabanks@sky.com'
        Isobel
        September 4, 2019

        Weena I love your post, it’s super. I hope all goes well with the polite partial contact with your sister. I did that for 2 decades, always absorbing the digs politely until It finally became for me too undignified to carry on like that. I feel so free have walked fully away, although this also is not our nature to want this. All the best, Isobel

    • iabanks@sky.com'
      Isobel
      September 4, 2019

      Dear Anne. Your letter regarding sister relationships and women is so similar to mine. Like you it took me decades to realise that my mother is a narcissist who triangulated me and my sister and favoured my narcissistic sister. I also have the same with my sister of devaluing etc like you described. No matter what I did to make things right in the end I had to walk away, no contact. And I know your point about women friends too. Strong women were a difficulty with me. I feel so free now. It is possible to free yourself when the truth of who you really are sinks in. Big hug and know you are not alone. Isobel

  • kimmiediva13@gmail.com'
    Divine Fabulocity
    September 2, 2019

    Greeting Melanie!

    First and foremost I wanted to say thank you sooo much for the info you have put out there about narc abuse and better yet, how to get out of it and heal! I have been awakened to my experience with a narc at the beginning of June 2019 and my goodness what a ride it has been since my eyes have been opened. I am still trying to get out. I met my narc about 3 years ago and thought I had found my soul mate. He totally love bombed the daylights out of me! He was the epiphany of everything I thought I wanted in a man.. very good looking, appeared to have old-school values, manners, the whole nine. from the first time I laid eyes on him, he had me blushing… and I mean in all my cheeks. I ended up pregnant not too long after meeting and all the lies and deceptions started to unravel. It turned out that he was in a relationship and living with another woman. Long story short, he told me he wanted to live with me and “make my house a home..” He met me as a single mother and knew that my last relationship was hell, hence why afterwards I had stayed single for 3 years before engaging with my narc. He was wonderful to me for the majority of my pregnancy, even though red flags started to pop up but his attitude was still great, and then 2 months before I was to give birth to his first child, he became withdrawn and started isolating himself from my daughter and I. He told me he was in a long distance relationship with a woman in St. Lucia, and this was a different woman than the one he had left to be with me. I was shocked and devastated. Turns out, this new woman “came to visit” when our baby was just 1 month old. He ditched me, our daughter and my first born like we were nothing to go pursue his new love. It was the craziest experience of my existance. I had the baby in March, she came to visit in April, He married her in May and sent me family court papers in June to try and take the baby from me. I have lived in a constant state of madness, trauma and confusion ever since. Just so happened that I came across information on narcissism and how to deal with them in family court just before our final court date and I am soo grateful. The crazy thing is that after he had completely discarded me, he tried to seduce me… and cheat on his wife with me!! Turned everyone we knew against me and had the nerve to come back and be intimate. What’s even crazier is I fell right back into it. He literally put me through the flames of hell for the first few months of having a newborn and then I got caught right back into the web of being “the other woman’ again. It was such an emotional blow that to this day i dont know how I got through. I have your book and have been reading your blog and watching your videos and they have helped me tremendously. I am working towards my healing and also trying to save money to take the NARP course, but for now I am going to counselling and podcasting my story. I’ve called it Bamboozled. I find talking about it anonymously is helping me keep the reality at the forefront because I am still in the really hard no-contact phase and trying to stick with it, especially because we have a very young child together and I am still somehow sexually attracted to this cheating, manipulative dink. I appreciate all that you have done for this community and I cannot wait to get into the thriver life!!

    Thank you soo much and I look forward to quantum healing!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi DF,

      You are very welcome.

      It sure is a ride!

      Awww gosh sweetheart you have been through a terrible time. Soooo traumatic.

      I love your humour and spirit and truly I know you will get through this. You are here for really special things. I sense that and I feel that you know you know it too.

      I’m so looking forward lovely Lady to having you as a NARP member!

      Much love to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • miekonaw@yahoo.com.au'
    Mieko
    September 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for the article. I always read your articles which it helps me to understand my situation. It is true that the length of the marriage doesn’t mean anything. My marriage last for 16 years and I didn’t realize I was in abusive relationship. He cast the spell on me “You are lucky to get marry with me.” “You can’t survive without me.” I completely believe his words but I lost my self-esteem as a result and I was almost kill myself. I was completely subscribe to his reality and probably because of the trauma bonding, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
    Our kids are completely alienated from me because I finally file the divorce. It seems our kids and other relatives see the completely different version of himself. He is like a chameleon. But when he shows up in Court, he present his usual self and I confirm he is nothing change after the ordeal(divorce: I discarded him.) but he is acting someone in front of others all the time. I even sometimes feel pity on him that he has to continuously acting someone. I prefer to be myself instead of keep acting spontaneously.
    I can think about him without any pain nowadays(I don’t even think about him much either) because I heal my trauma though your articles. I took responsible for my own inner pain. My Ex just know how to press the button to trigger my pain.
    Best wishes to all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 2, 2019

      Hi Mieko,

      Thank you for your post.

      I’m so happy you have been able to disconnect from him.

      I’m sending love and healing to you and your child for your re-uniting with them.

      Congratulations for being so brave and getting out after all that time, and I’m thrilled that I can help you.

      Blessings and breakthroughs to you and yours

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • csavetsky@gmail.com'
    Carla
    September 2, 2019

    Dear Melanie,

    Like someone else above, I noticed that my first response to your article was also “who cares?”, which is SO huge! After I left my now ex-husband, almost 2 years ago, (after learning of his sexual compulsion and infidelities through our 20 year marriage), he dangled his new relationship in my face as much as he could. It was so crazy-devastating to me, and so traumatic, that I wanted to die. And…I got a recurrence of breast cancer. That’s when he TOTALLY discarded me, and wanted nothing to do with me. After 20 years of giving, giving, giving, totally holding him up and nurturing him on a daily basis, this was how he treated me. And it made me want to die.

    Thankfully, I promised my son that I would heal, and that is what I’ve been doing ever since. But I want you to know that your material was my original life-line. Without finding your content, I think I would have lost my mind, and wouldn’t know how to find my way out. You have been the greatest blessing, and I’m SO immensely grateful for you and your work. Bless you Melanie!!!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 3, 2019

      Hi Carla,

      Thank goodness hun that you got through this, for you and your son. That discard from the ex would have been beyond devastating at the time.

      I’m so pleased you are healing and now are detached from your ex.

      You should be so proud of you, and I’m thrilled I could help you.

      Carla, are you a part of our incredible NARP community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and with us in the NARP members forum? http://Www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      The love, healing, support and expansion there is second to none, and the absolute best support I can grant you at all times.

      Much love and blessings to you and your son Carla.’

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • shirleyrnld@yahoo.com'
    Shirley
    September 3, 2019

    Honestly I feel they know what they are and it works for them. I was told my the one I was with that he knows something is wrong with him and he needs to fix it. During my time he was seeing other women. I took him back three times. I would leave and get reeled back in thinking this time it will be different.. The third time I was prepared and told him this is it I am done. He stayed away 16 months then appeared once again and started the love bombing again and when he didn’t get what he wanted (sex) he disappeared. I am not attracted to him any more so each time for easier. I feel he was only trying to start up with me once more was get supply. She must have kicked him to the curve and so did I. It’s been going on a year since that happened and I feel mentally stronger. Enough is enough finally Free of nothingness that comes being connected to him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 3, 2019

      Hi Shirley,

      Gosh it’s great you said ‘no more’ …

      Narcissists say and do whatever it takes to keep people hooked and get narcissistic simply.

      I have had ns tell me this too – BUT they knew it would give me some hope that they could change, and take them back!

      They do know they are damaged … but period; and it so important to know this … every move or thing is about getting supply. It’s not about purposeful self awareness.

      You were right, that is what him hoovering was about … but this does not mean that you are unworthy of love or not lovable.

      Shirley I’d love you to experience the speeding up of your healing, but being able to powerfully detox him from your cells.

      Then I promise you, you will go forward so much easier.

      In my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar the Quanta Freedom Healing will help you achieve that freedom powerfully and quickly.

      It’s time for you.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • loraterlizzese@gmail.com'
    Lora
    September 3, 2019

    Thank you for your emails and support. i have 2 questions for you.
    -should i meet my x-narc and new girlfriend somewhere or when i go to court for my divorce, what is the best way to handle it? Should i act like i’m happy that he is happy (even though i’m dying inside), should i ignore them (no contact), or show i’m actually sad?

    -I’ve had no contact with my x-narc only through our lawyers, but i’m on good terms and in contact with his siblings and his mother(they know what he did to me) Is it healthy to still have them in my life or should i just forget them too. We try not to talk about him but the fact that they remind me of him, hurts me. My daughter also has no contact with him but sometimes sees his family.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 3, 2019

      Hi Lora’

      You are very welcome.

      Hun this is what I want you to know.

      Your only decisions are to be about what you need from you … to heck with what anyone else, including the narcissist, might think.

      Your healing is everything right now … everything.

      Deatch sweetheart, honour you by not responding if you saw them. Let go of the mutual people, anyone who is painful ro be in contact with and heal you.

      Have you checked out NARP properly? It is far and away the fastest path to fully recover to the point where you honestly wont care if you ever bump into them! And I promise you that will be happy days! http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      But for now your health and recovery comes first. That is your greatest mission and I hope anyone else reading this and wondering the same question really understands.

      Your healing will also help your daughter so much and lead the way for her.

      Sending you love and a powerful and speedy recovery. Relief with NARP lovely Lady is not far away, I promise.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • alexgavins70@gmail.com'
    Alexandra
    September 3, 2019

    This really touched me. My narcissistic partner had an affair with my best friend when our child was three. The grief when I found out was so terrible. Im finding it still very difficult. Anyway…I blamed myself and clung on to the relationship. A few years later, he did it again, this time with another friend. Again, I still tried to cling on but as this was actually the least of his abuse, I left him two years ago. He is now in an open relationship with this last person. I’ve heard how happy he seems, how he’s drinking less, how they’re on holiday ( despite him never having any money for our child). I’m also in a relationship with a wonderful caring man….but I find it so hard to trust anyone. I know I should forgive as part of my healing but I can’t see how.

  • kjz911@yahoo.com'
    Kathy Mincin
    September 3, 2019

    It has been 3 months since I have been replaced and I still feel as if I no longer want to go on. I do fine for about 3 weeks and then I have a week where I fall apart and reach out to my ex narc who has been in a relationship with someone else for the past 14 months – 11 of them while he was living with me. Then it hurts all over again. I so much want to get to the point where I no longer care.

    Thank you for this article. When I reached out to him last Thursday he said they are doing great and are planning on going away to the beach with his friends this week – a trip that I helped to plan and was supposed to go on. It all just hurts so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 3, 2019

      Kathy honey please let me show you how you can get relief from this.

      I know the pain is excruciating … but I promise there is a solution to it.

      Please come into my free webinar and go through a Quanta Freedom Healing with me, where you will receive answers, clarity and real relief.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending my love and a big hug

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Cburrows@outlook.com'
    Claire
    September 3, 2019

    Hi Mel
    So true the wounds I had were very different from my narcissistic ex new wife who had her own experience. I had endured a very traumatic childhood and life prior to having encountered him. I started therapy at 40 and that was with a body based therapist who practiced the peter Levine method which was great. I am now seeing a new psychologist who does emdr and I don’t feel a connection to her and I am to start the emdr as she is detailing my file to prepare me. I got your new program but there is resistantance to doing it. Not sure if emdr and qfh may conflict if doing so at the same time? Any advise much appreciated as I am pretty lost and disassociated much of the time. You can’t think your way to get back into your own body no amount of cbt can fix that. My head goes 100000 miles an hour and flashbacks are always there not just my narc abuse but other disturbing incidents.
    Thanks
    Claire

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 3, 2019

      Hi Claire,

      please know that Quanta Freedom Healing is completely unconditional and you can utilise it with any supplementary healing you are doing in your life.

      It’s no problem to combine!

      Also sweetheart come into the NARP Forum, the love, support and healing power in there is unbelievable http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      You don’t have to do this aline.

      We’ve got you!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • robertoneill616@gmail.com'
    Robert
    September 3, 2019

    Yeah. Hi Mel. Relate to this. The obsession and stalking, amazing I catch myself in the same loop.
    Doing this. But why and I keep blaming myself?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 3, 2019

      Hi Robert,

      there is only one reason for it.

      It is because of unhealed unmet trauma within you.

      Once you go inwards to heal it – with an effective subconscious reprogramming tool that is BODY INNER work, you will find it, release it and go free from it.

      Then there is ZERO obsession and NO feeling hooked.

      That’s the deal.

      Truly … I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • christi0617@gmail.com'
    Amy
    September 3, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    After a painful struggle to leave, I cannot go no contact because of shared custody of young children, and there is still extreme conflict in coparenting. I didn’t discover that he was so textbook narcissist and all this helpful information until I finally severed the relationship, unfortunately. As much as he resisted and tried to bully me into staying in the marriage- I’m amazed to see the quick movement of his new relationship. My struggle is not about his relationship (she is undoubtedly already seeing red flags), rather it is about his transparent need to fill the spot of wife and mother to fulfill the image he desires. She has no children, and I have seen signs of him encouraging her and creating an appearance for her to be mother to the children … I know his thoughts are not healthy and she seems to follow right along. My relationship with my children is positive and healthy, but how can I help myself feel ok about this and make sure there are boundaries for the children?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2019

      Hi Amy,

      please know for you and your children the most important thing is for you to heal, to lead the way.

      You may not be able to control what does or doesn’t happen with him and her, but you can be the most solid, empowered, beautiful mother for your children.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-thrivers-guide-to-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist/

      That’s what is vital – controlling what you can. Our most successful parallel parents who have the strongest boundaries in this community are far and away those who are healing and working on themselves diligently with NARP. It gives them a much stronger emotional edge with what they are dealing with.

      I hope this information helps.

      Love to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • unnown@gmail.com'
    Unknown
    September 5, 2019

    Hi Mel,

    Part of what drew me to your program was your compassionate and non-judgemental voice / videos and articles. But I always had this nagging feeling that you always seemed a bit on the backfoot. Now I notice that you are stating your truth more clearly and unequivocally. Inspite of that, the compassion and non-judgemental tone are still intact.

    Loving this new uplevelled badass Mel !! You Go Girl !!

    Love and hugs

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 6, 2019

      Hi Unknown,

      thank you for your dear acknowledgment.

      Yes, I am definitely up levelling more to stand in truth!

      Lots of love and hugs to you!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Phodges9999@yahoo.com'
    Pam
    September 21, 2019

    Melanie,

    Thank you so much for the work you do to help educate and support this community. Your articles and youtube videos have been incredibly helpful to me in my recovery from a relationship with a altruistic narc.
    The relationship was fast and furious. Now that I have read your articles I understand that this person who I thought was the love of my life was simply a illusion. I was lovebombed, devalued and discarded. I was also part of a triangulation and my ex is now with the third part of that triangulation. The hardest part for me is the person my ex is now with was a very close friend of mine. My narc tried to make me apologize to her new supply for confronting them and telling them what they did was the ultimate betrayal and for us to all be friends. I have enough self worth to move on. It’s not been easy but your articles have helped me understand that I was abused and that I am a survivor. I did question myself and felt like I was the narc. I’ve taken several of your workshops and they have been amazingly helpful in my recovery.
    Somehow when the discard happened I subconsciously knew that I needed to go no contact with her. I cut off all social media and blocked her and the new supply from contacting me. While I was still processing what went from great to painful I did reach out to her to try to understand what happened. Of course she gave me no closure. She was so kind and loving at first, but I had started putting boundaries up and she turned into the most cold uncaring person I’ve ever known. Her mask slipped and it was eye opening. I realize with the help from your articles that I don’t need closure from her. She mirrored my energy and love. I see now who I am and the things that I need to heal from are inside of myself.
    I have reconnected with my faith, family and friends. I had let her consume me. After the discard I was so exhausted and drained. I see that her discard was a blessing. I would still be in that relationship being drained and consumed. A bigger blessing is finding your website and helping me understand what happened and that the healing comes from understanding myself and not her. My no contact has only been for 3 months, but I get stronger and stronger everyday. I continue to work on my healing and discovering the sources of my inner self that put me in this relationship in the first place.
    Thank you again for all the information and support you provide for us all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2019

      Hi Pam,

      It’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased I could help.

      That’s so wonderful you are healing.

      Continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

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