Have you ever asked yourself, ‘Does the narc even care about me?’ Or ‘When are they going to contact me?’ and ‘Are they sorry for all the chaos, heartbreak and terror they have caused?’
The REAL question we all want to know is this – ‘What does the narcissist REALLY think of me?’
In this Thriver TV episode I’m going to deliver the truth regarding this question.
Remember – the truth really will set you free.
Video Transcript
This Thriver TV may be hard for you to hear.
But it is powerful to understand this, and truly it will help you detach, pull away and heal.
It will also stop you going for and trying to get from the narcissist what doesn’t exist.
So, buckle in, and come on the ride with me – where the truth will set you free.
But before we start I want to thank you if you have already supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my channel, and if you haven’t yet, please do! Also, if you like this video give it a thumbs up.
Now let’s get going on today’s episode.
How Narcissists Think of People
If you don’t already know this – please know that how the narcissist thinks about you is NOT personal – even though it deeply feels as if it is.
A narcissist as a No-Self (not a functioning authentic True Self) does not connect to your humanity. You are not a flesh and blood person to him or her, you are an object; a necessary tool to use to extract and feed off narcissistic supply.
With the narcissist’s empty insecure inner self, he or she needs constant feedback, and the necessary attention to know that he or she exists.
At the start of the relationship you were likely to gush and supply tons of attention, acclaim and praise.
Then, as the relationship deteriorates, when anguished, triggered and abused, you react intensely and emotionally. This grants energy to the narcissist, which supplies them with the feedback, ‘I can affect another SO much, I DO exist, I AM significant!’
This is gold to a narcissist, just as much as gushing over them is.
In fact, it is a compliment to a narcissist to know how much someone is devastated, distraught and even suicidal because of them.
And in any capacity of a relationship with a narcissist, whether it be a family member, work colleague, boss, or friendship etc., the narcissist receives a hit of significance every time you dance around their wounds gingerly, take on their abuse as the dump master and try to appease, bargain, reason with or earn their approval.
ANY attention feeds their False Self.
Because the narcissist’s inner landscape is so drastically unconscious, when you are connected to a narcissist, their inner torment becomes your fault, and as far as he or she is concerned you deserve to be uncomfortable, distressed, paying penance or grovelling.
The narcissist’s catch-cry is, ‘If you pay for how I feel, then I will feel better.’ But it’s a bottomless pit, it never changes and they don’t feel better no matter how much you suffer.
How Can They Be Like This?
Please know our mind-set to start recovering from their abuse can’t be this – ‘Why are they like this?’
If you are trying to understand narcissists from a normal human construct, then you will be forever tormented by what they have done to you.
How they think is not normal.
It is not about mutuality, win-win or caring about another soul’s needs and feelings.
It is a complete one-way trip, all about the False Self, without the resources to BE different.
It is what it is.
When we Go Quantum – which is the only way to heal for real from narcissistic abuse – we understand the true nature of things.
This… that ALL relationships come from the integral relationship every person is having with their own Inner Being.
Narcissists HATE their own Inner Being profoundly.
They believe it to be insipid, powerless and ineffectual. This is why they purposefully divorced it, threw it to the side and assigned a False Self – a fictitious character – to take its place.
If this is how they view themselves, how do you think they COULD view you?
People can only engage with another, in the way they engage with their own TRUE Inner Beings.
You, like the narcissist’s Inner Being, don’t exist as a worthwhile or valued entity.
The narcissist is relentless with their own Inner Being – they literally despise its feelings and insecurities. They ignore it, don’t listen to it, refuse to have empathy for it, and will never hold, love or heal it.
It is only a ‘thing’ to be treated with contempt whilst they go after whatever it takes to self-medicate the pain away and try to feel worthy of being alive.
You, identically, are only being used as a tool to get stuff, acclaim and significance. The narcissist despises your real self, and finds it totally irrelevant and a pest yet needs you as ‘the object’ to get things.
It’s no different to how they really feel about themselves.
What Do You Really THINK of YOU?
This is where we start to turn this whole thing around – from the most horrible breakdown process of our ENTIRE life, to the profound breakthrough our True Self and Life was always waiting for.
It’s about waking up to these incredible truths we were never taught.
- People do not treat us as we treat them. We accept and connect with their treatment of us at the level that we really feel about and love ourselves.
- Our own level of love, approval, security and survival as adults, is not another adult’s job to provide for us – this is the relationship we must develop with ourselves. Then we will generate MORE identically healthy relationships.
- We have the ability to be whole and healthy regardless of whether other specific people have the resources to love us or not.
- There is an entire world of possible people to establish healthy relationships with, and our existence and survival is never reliant on abusive people getting their act together.
And ultimately…
- What we develop as truths between us and ourselves is exactly the life that will start generating and laying boundaries of truth for ourselves, and will also determine the life that is no longer appropriate for us and that we refuse to continue engaging in. (That power was within us all along.)
I really want to share with you the profound understandings I had about myself that caused me to be the other half of narcissistic relationships and kept me hanging on whilst being HORRIFIED that he didn’t REALLY love me.
And what I knew I had to change and heal WITHIN myself if I was to have different relationships with people going forward.
I believed at some deep level:
- I was wrong, bad and defective and didn’t deserve to be treated well.
- I was forsaken by God because of the above.
- Life was hard and I was always battling something.
- If I didn’t do everything perfectly, I would be punished and penalised.
- No matter how hard I tried I was not good enough to be loved.
- I was not worth my own tenderness, care, and consideration, and instead self-criticised to force myself to take action with things.
- My faults (insecurities and fears) were unacceptable, and therefore I needed to disown them, cover them up and pretend they didn’t exist.
- When things went wrong in my life, it must be someone else’s fault, because after all my faults were always hidden and covered up. (I was totally a victim.)
I am honest about these things because I want to help you wake up, just as I did, and realise that this really isn’t even about the narcissist. And certainly, if you make it about them you are in Wrong Town with no way out of the pain.
Let’s all say this mantra together:
‘I now know how you think about me, it’s exactly the way I have been thinking about myself. And I know that when I heal my false beliefs and trauma that have been inflicted on me by people, by you, and even perhaps long before you, and by the human condition itself, I will no longer have any bond, feelings, and pain connected with you whatsoever.
Instead, I will have my evolution into a whole new relationship paradigm where I will connect, accept and have relationships with people who think about me the way I think and feel about me. As it has always been.’
Can you feel the way home?
Do you REALLY know what it is now?
Can you see the total ‘meant to be’ gift in this?
Do you understand this was always about your glorious soul and life evolution all along?
I want you to open the cells up in your Being and soak this in.
Let your cellular wisdom tell you the truth – it knows.
I want you to Re-member who you really are – that is what your coming home, coming back together is – remembering.
These truths are already coded into you, as the spectacular being that you are, waiting for you to awaken again.
Let me know how this feels in the comments below.
What the Narcissist Really Thinks About You Is Totally Unimportant
Do you understand now that we have been granting way too much energy and dependence on the narcissist?
I know it’s normal and excruciatingly painful to go through what has happened to you. But the utter truth is that he or she was a catalyst to help us wake up to the only foundational relationship anyone can ever have.
The one with themselves.
I promise you with all my heart that when you make your inner self-relationship your entire mission as the centrepiece of your life, you will not just get out of the torment and pain, you will come home to the greatest confidence, joy, life force and love that you could ever imagine experiencing.
It is so NOT true that narcissistic abuse leaves you forever diminished.
It is so NOT true that recovery takes decades and is gruelling.
In fact, when you have the process to find the exact false beliefs and traumas that brought this human trauma experience on unconsciously, and heal those, you will emerge evolved and free in ways and in a time frame that you could not even imagine yet.
Join me and I will show you how this is possible, as well as connect you to the exact solutions to get the true inner work done.
You can do this by clicking this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I allowed him to treat me the way I thought about myself. If I had been healthy, I would have walked away the first time he hit me. I only wish I had this information 32 years ago. My wish now is to get healthy and find a healthy person to love and share my life with. I am feeling mostly hopeless about this, but…who knows.
Hi Laura,
Please know Dear Lady that so many of us, myself included, felt this way too.
I’d love you to consider NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because when you do the deeper beaming at this level you will truly rewrite your relationship inner code.
Sending you love, hope and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Wow what an eye opener. I never thought or heard it that way. That was a bit of a stinger but definitely makes sense. I let the narcissist treat me the way I felt about myself. That’s why I have been listening to you and working on myself. Thank you!!!
Hi Natalie,
I’m so pleased this has helped!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I appreciate you so much, Melanie. You are a God send. Much peace to you.
Laura I truly understand your thoughts and feelings 26 years for me. No contact for 14 months. The narcs live in an alternative world of which they demand we join They were never to see identify or join us in the real world. Alot of very good information displayed here. I’m near finishing my counseling these YouTube videos have saved us all. We lost the past but we di have the future. You are not alone.
As my narcissist was online I am starting to heal. Actually I laugh at him and his texts now and never speak to him, I think his voice may upset me and bring it all back. He had complete power over me it was my first and last Internet relationship. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was but while reading your pages realised my late father was one. I had searched for a reason my whole life why he never loved me. I got a counciller and as things unravelled I discovered he wasn’t my biological father anyway. Your information on narcissists has been invaluable keep up the amazing work you do.
Thank you Mel. I’m amazed that you can still remember what it’s like and understand the intense pain even though you are so far along in your thriver recovery. It’s so cool that you can still empathize and help others who are just beginning their healing. Also, I love seeing little Tiggy there sound asleep on the back of your sofa. It makes me miss having a kitty cat. 😻
Hi Jules,
Even though I don’t have any emotional charge or trauma left, absolutely I remember! I feel so honoured to be able to help others as a result of my experience.
Lots of love from Tiggy and myself.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thanks Melanie! I have always healed a lot from your videos. Now I have become a member of the NARP community and am on Module 3. It’s a fantastic healing journey so I want to thank you. It’s also nice to see your cat again. I wondered where he had got to. Best wishes always.
Hi Jiseph,
I am so pleased that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped so much so far.
Yes Tiggy picks his appearances!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for this reminder. The (most recent) ex-narc left me 6 weeks ago. This has been the hardest 4 years of my life, after a several-months-long love bombing phase that still has me hooked. So many discards, lies and devaluations along the way- but the intermittent “good times” intoxicated me. 10 months ago, I was finally getting ready to leave, and then his son died, leaving me feeling guilty about abandoning him. These 10 months have been the worst of all, because now his professional victim status seems/is so justified. But the emotional abuse escalated and left me utterly destroyed. The lies became more and more outrageous, even before his son’s death- including one where someone in his life had terminal cancer (they were fine).
My anxiety is at an all-time high and so far the quantum work isn’t giving me the immediate relief I felt after my previous narc husband’s betrayals. I see that I need to keep working at it. It’s just very hard to shift my focus off narc #2 and onto my own healing. (Much harder than with #1.)
I confess I clicked because I wanted to hear that he’s thinking of me as much as I’m thinking of him. I know that’s Wrongtown! This blog/video gave me the reminder I needed tonight.
Thank you for being such a light. Much love,
Laura
Hi Laura,
I am so sorry this has been so difficult and if course your empathy would make it hard to turn away and honour you.
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp Laura?
It takes our ability to heal to a whole other level.
If you are I cant suggest reaching out for support in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member enough.
Mel 🙏💕💛
What an amazing video! I have just found you on the internet, and it is helping my sister and I greatly in understanding narcissism; and more importantly, self-love!
Thank you!
Hi Melanie,
I’m so pleased this has helped you and welcome to our wonderful community.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I must add that this video has been very powerful and cathartic for me. Thank you for deeply sharing your experience with us. It’s heartbreaking. Bless your dear sweet soul.
Hi Joseph,
I’m.so pleased this resonates with you and brings comfort.
Blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have been part of NARP for about 8 months now. I’m not saying the work was easy to get in touch with feelings of my younger self generated from all of the abuse I experienced throughout my life. But I am a victor and no longer a victim. I can only say I am so much stronger from listening to Mel’s videos, meditating with Mel’s guided meditations, reading blogs and really focusing on my feelings when these abusive events took place. Wow! I can honey say I am
Free of most of the doubt I have had about myself. I won’t settle for anything less than what I now know I deserve. Thank you for your amazing work. And I pray many more people will be able to also become free of victimization from
Life with narcissism and live their lives free and truly happy.
Thanks for sharing your feelings and your Wisdom Mel I loved the video Iam in the early stages of separation and being by myself
Thanks Dave.
Hi Dave,
It’s my pleasure.
Sending you power and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Dawn,
It’s so true that meeting ourselves is initially the most terrifying thing we can do!
Yet after having the courage to do this, we discover this is where our true healing and emancipation is.
I’m so happy for you that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has granted that.
Much love and continued blessings
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have had several narcissists in my life but the most difficult to recover from was my mother. I grew up with the thoughts of who, how and what I am that was engrained in me from her, how I should be treated was not the allowed but how my mother taught me how I should be treated was. It took over 4 decades to understand that I do have a choice and have every right to be the person I truly am, be respected and loved for it.
This video was particularly powerful for me given the position my mother has made herself in my life since childhood. Now over forty years later I met “me” and I love “me”. Choosing between her and “me” is no longer an option as she won’t accept “me”. I’m perfectly happy with that and I am able to apply it to any toxic being that comes my way. It took a long and dark journey to get to where I am but well worth it. Thanks for the help and truth Melanie.
Hi Niquee,
I’m so happy for you that you chose you.
Love and blessings to you.
Much love 🙏💕💛
Hi Niquee,
Oh gosh, I could have written same words as you exactly! “Choosing between her and “me” is no longer an option”…I felt like this exactly!! I always “chose” her (and therefore later in my life was always loyal and committed to all kinds of abusers), it was like being loyal/choose her (and lose, hide myself completely) or choose ME! I’m also in my fourties…I’m like, why I hadn’t this awareness already like 10-20 years ago!! So many years re-creating the same old scenario, so stupid and unnecessary suffering. But better now than never! 🙂
Hi Mel,
thanks so much I find your articles give me great hope. I’m still with him,its getting even harder(more intense verbal abuse)and I’m trying to find a way out.I sometimes doubt myself and think maybe I am meant to be here stuck in it as the pain has become normal but the whole time my gut is telling me that it is far from where I’m meant to be.Yes your correct iv allowed him to treat me like I felt I should be from my past traumas.I just feel at 36,2kids that my life is wasting away.I will get there..
Lots of love to everyone needing it.
CHRISTINA
Hi Christina,
sending you power, healing and strength Dear Lady.
You and your children deserve true decency and kindness.
Lots of love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Mel, Since i been 5 years Narc free, divorced, She would not think about me since she is now married to another man, in which in my opinion, is adultery. Your quantum tools and understandings makes me more relaxed, and why it’s not really my fault, since i got all the support i need. Thank you again Melanie. Evan Burton, Seattle Washington, United States of America.
this feels right , calming .Thank you Melanie
Hi Suzanne,
That’s great hun!
Mel 🙏💕💛
This would be the most succinct and perfect way of putting it I have ever read, how easily resolved the riddle becomes, how eloquently put and healthily expressed. Much love to you, helping healing wise woman Melanie Tonia Evans. xx
Hi Samantha,
Thank you for your lovely comment and I’m so happy this deeply resonated with you.
So much love to you too sweet lady.
Mel 🙏💕💛
A great read. So accurate. I’ve been telling people who are going through this as I have been myself. The Narcissist or NIT’s (Trademark that, I should lol) (Narcissist In Training as many Narcissist haven’t been officially diagnosed, we know they are, displaying all or just some narcissistic tendencies.) They feed off our energy once we are trapped in their web, which is why everyone who’s been through it knows exactly what I mean when you mention the fog like state you find yourself in. Not really knowing who you are anymore. How you got there.
They don’t know how to love, they aren’t capable of it. They know the right words and actions. They are convincing in expressing these fake emotions from their fake self because they believe their lie. They believe their lie so much, it’s a truth to them.
These people, as parents are the most evil and damaging of them all. My ex has an older daughter (24) what I saw. Broke my heart. I knew I had to get my son and I out. Her daughter sat next to me one day, while I was holding her brother, begged me, tears streaming down her face, that when I returned home to Australia, from the US, to take her half brother with me so he didn’t turn out like her.
Hi James,
It is so true that it is their truth.
And it is so true that we need to trust ourselves and what is meant to be our truth without an official diagnosis.
Mel 🙏💕💛
A thousand thank yous Mel. I love to hear your wisdom tiggy on the back of the couch is adorable so relaxed I have just done module 2 and let go of some dead weights this has been a long time coming I feel so much lighter today. Had a run in with mother regarding her birthday but did not affect me anywhere near to the same extent. Saw the ex narcissist last weekend hadn’t seen for ages felt nothing had no impact other than to marvel at how I had allowed this guy to nearly destroy me. I now have kidney failure which I believe was caused by the stress of these two relationships. I have struggled with this life changing diagnosis but have now come to terms with it and am feeling so much better. I have started to have some energy and feel lighter. Onwards and upwards thank you Mel for your life saving work. X
I am so thrilled for you Lorraine that you are healing and doing do well.
Keep up the amazing work lovely Lady.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I too had a decline in kidney function. I changed my diet from high protein to low. I cut down on supplements especially B vitamins which is eliminated through the kidneys. And broke up with the Narc of course.
Stage 3 for me and am working on all relative self help items. Narc of 26 years now CKD incredible
Lorraine it was a 26 year event for me I was discarded 14 months ago no contact since.
I feel my childhood of parental abandoned and my developed codependency set the stage for this empath. I developed stage 3 ckd four years ago. The narc and toxic company culture I feel certain took me down. The good news is a was able to get rid of both of them. This kidney thing has be quite scared doing all I can to slow it down. Best wishes
I left my narcissist boyfriend 16 years ago and never look back anymore. My problem is that I grew up with a mother, father and brother who are all narcissists. I knew none of this until I was unable to function after leaving my narcissist boyfriend. I was 47 years old. I have been sick with Lyme disease for 15 years. Growing up in such an environment and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong for so long that provoked these people I now do not know who I am. I had to go no contact with my family despite my parents being elderly. I helped them for years but they treated me terribly and never helped me when I got sick. So often you stress the importance of loving ourselves. I try to do this but feel completely empty inside despite no contact and believing what you said in this article. I participated in the Master Class last week but even during the meditation or visualization, I really have no idea of who I am or how to proceed in life at age 63 and struggling with a debilitating illness and financial hardships. I can work very little. I am existing on the outside of life; looking in. It is not dealing with the narcissists that I struggle with but instead a long life of being ill-equipped and not knowing now how to move forward. I am isolated and alone and a lot of this is because I am sick. I used to love people….this I know.
None of my business but I think you need closure with a part of yourself. Methinks needing closure with him is a projection and can never be met by an outside source. I believe you can do your closure about him without actually having him in your presence. Any contact or seeking of contact w him is in my humble view intermittently reinforcing addictive behavior and a function of our trickster mind, Sorry for the unsolicited 2 cents of advice. Good luck on the journey We all find our way in our own way and our own time. It took me 68 years and Im still workin on it.. Humbling indeed
Mary Mason,
Darling, darling…I used to be like this!
*Am I out of my mind to need a final conversation with him?
I felt the same. If he is a n, he knows that and loves to torture you (me) by not going to do that! Beware!
*I seriously need closure in order to move forward.
Yes, you do, because you are a decent person with a heart. But it might not come from HIM!
*Now that he walked away since I called him out for a broken promise I know he has blocked my number and he is through with me.
You tried to have an adult conversation, he reacted like a 5 years old. This isn’t normal!
*But I would like to have calm closure with him via a gratitude letter.
Gratitude about what…that he behaved in a bizarre way? I was also anxious because I couldn’t have calm, beautiful (or any) “official” closure with the n. Then my friend said an interesting point: yeah, but HE doesn’t deserve that. That made me feel little bit better.
*A part of me on a very deep level thinks there is a good man underneath it all.
I have talked with my friend about this topic. I think probably nearly everyone is “good underneath it all”. But if that goodness does not match with everyday words and actions…then what is the point?
I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist writing all this! The ex n nearly killed me, at least metaphorically speaking but nowadays I’m in a much better place, thank God!
It’s useless to wait or expect anything normal from the n’s.
Hi Anna,
this is SO true. All N’s withheld closure from us, and the only resolution and emancipation came from us turning inwards and healing within.
Truly …
Much love to everyone feeling they don’t have closure yet. If you turn inward and heal, I promise you it comes in spades.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mary,
I would love you so much sweet lady to come into my free webinar to learn the truth about how to deeply heal this pattern in your life and what has been so painful and in repeat for you.
True closure will only come from you healing the original traumas that were in existence long before these men, that have set up your Love Code to be so painful.
http://www.melanietooniaevans.com/freewebinar
There is a way home out of this Mary, I promise.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Wow! Melanie. You have brought me back to my center. The core of my being. Your video was powerful beyond. It has reached and connected me to my authentic self again. What a warm fussy feeling it is returning back home to myself. It is sacred. It has cleared my mind and emotions. I feel centered again, it’s a deep seated kind of relief to turn inwards towards myself and know my true value and who I am, You have also remind me that no matter what I do. I will never satisfy my soon to be ex-husband/narc because he is an empty shell. His life is a bottomless pit because he lost his true self and that is not my fault, in fact any other person I meet or have met who is a narc. I now know that it is not my business to fix people. People like these are not my business.
I need to remember always who I am. I am the woman who is returning back to her former self, more self assured, with so much love and compassion for myself. I feel that nobody can be me. And I appreciate that and love that feeling too.
Thank you Melanie for your wisdom and life lessons. You are a valuable source and I know that I will come out of this on the other side with so much to offer myself and loved ones. You have thrown me a lifeline that has added infinite value to my life. Love you tons. Gods richest blessings be upon you ❤️
Hi Lee,
I’m so pleased this spoke to your soul.
Absolutely these people are not our business!
Thank you for your blessings and sending them in abundance to you too Lee.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Wow Mel, I was crying towards the end.
So much truth here and every day I give thanks for what I experienced and the deep hard lessons that woke me up. I am just so grateful that you are out in the world sharing these truths because I can’t imagine what must have happened to people going through this before the internet existed and knowledge, especially this type of empowering knowledge and healing was out there.
My Grandma suffered with serious mental illness her whole life, at one point she was institutionalised in the 1950’s after my mums birth, and I am now starting to realise that narcissistic abuse has been running through my family, probably for ever. She would never have known that she was the daughter of and then married to a narcissist, it breaks my heart to think of her suffering. She had no way out at all. I am now healing generational abuse for my family and am gently introducing NARP to my mum so we can stop this now and it won’t pass on to my beautiful children. It truly feels as though there is a huge awakening and while I am devastated for my Grandma, I understand the deeper truths and perfection in it all. I believe humanity is at a turning point and things have to get dark for there to be a mass shift and evolution of human consciousness.
Thank you Mel for the incredible work you do.
Loads of love
Sammy darling,
I always love it when you write in!
I love that your Mum is being touched by NARP work.
You are so right Sammy these deep terrible fractures can end here.
Love you sweetheart.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Love you too Mel! xxxx
Thanks for this video. It is exactly what God is showing me to love myself but what do you do when the narcissist is your husband and you have kids involved? What you are suggesting here is to give up on the narcissist… does that mean divorce?? If so, then the normal progression is that your kids will be impacted which is clearly happening in our case the more I heal the more my 13yr old daughter is being affected by her father. Correct me if I’m wrong but you are clearly suggesting to get rid of narcissists.
Hi Lily,
I can’t suggest anything other than to live true to our inner beings, which is to be abuse-free and also be the example to our children for them to honor themselves as well.
I will also say that the most messed up adults I ave ever met, from their childhoods, to help them heal, are those that had a narcissistic parent and one that allowed and stayed in abuse as that example.
Children fare much better when one parent lives true to what god and their inner being intended and is communicating to them via the traumatised emotions sating ‘this is NOT your truth’, and showed their children what it is to love and take care of themselves as well.
Nothing is more important than our children’s and our souls. Not money, resources, or stigmas.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
Powerful, powerful video! Have been doing NARP since April 2019 after stumbling upon your site. It’s been an amazing journey since starting NARP and continues to be. Thank you for the incredible work you do and the message of truth.
Love,
Dianne
Awww Dianne,
I love that you are on the NARP journey and loving it http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel,
This is probably the most profound video that you have ever done or that I have ever heard! I get it for the first time. I have the NARP program and just didn’t understand the concept about quantum healing until now. I can’t thank you enough for all that you do to help narcissistic victims!!
Sincerely,
Bev
This is so great it all dropped into place for you here Bev!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
This feels amazing Mel. xxx
I am so pleased it does Hilary.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Melanie-
I’m certain that his feelings were of deep admiration. He often said “How can you be so happy?” “Can I be you? for a week, a day, an hour?”
It’s so sad. I do wish him light and love in his journey.
Today, I feel only profound Gratitude for the wake up. I thought I wanted his validation to be complete ….but the whole time, he was the one that needed mine to feel any inkling of self acceptance.
So grateful for the lessons learned and the even deeper appreciation and ADMIRATION for HIS SOUL journey and mission.
I love your admiration and gratitude Iris.
This is true Thriving – Love and Freedom.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie!
I’d have one short question that probably does not have a simple answer? But is it possible, that if a person is “unconscious”, competitive (does not allow other people to “shine”), is projecting his/her own negative stuff onto other people, is emotionally unavailable, generally toxic etc…is NOT a n? Is it possible to show all this dysfunctional, toxic behaviour consistently over the years, but that it is “just” a bad character, character flaw, his/her own wounding, generational wound or something less severe than narcissism?
Methinks narcissism is on a continuum and we all carry some of the aspects. I think the character of a true narcissist is the incapacity to think feel or behave in any manner or regard for the other..ie no capacity for empathy…its all about self interest and supply
Hi Julia,
there truly is a simple answer for this and it is – it doesn’t matter where a certain person is on the spectrum.
The ONLY way we get to live the life we dream of, it to get sure on our values and truths, no longer chose to stay connected to painful, abusive or even disappointing relationships and ask for what we need and let go, if the person doesn’t have the desire or resources to meet us there.
It is complete Wrong Town if we ask ‘Do people have the resources?’ it is Right Town when we sak this question “Do I have the resources to honestly and fearlessly create my own life?’
Then you will have your answers and you will never need to ask that previous question again.
Does this make sense?
Mel 🙏💕💛
Yes, but it’s about my mother. I just can’t “dump” her and let go like a romantic partner and search a new healthy one, I WANT to have relationship with her!
Hi Julia,
whether you want to or not doesn’t mean it will be possible.
There are three choices for you to be whole and happy about you and her relationship 1) Heal and make peace with the way she is 2) Heal and set boundaries and see if she can step up and meet you at a healthier level, or 3) Heal and let go and only have healthy respectful relationships in your life.
Mother or not…
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hmm, I agree with Ross Fedy that it is a continuum, not black and white. I don’t actually like this idea that I fix (“heal”) myself into perfection, and then after that will only ever accept to interact with people who have 100% impeccable behaviour all the time. Is anyone like that, even so called healthy people?? A true n I will never tolerate anymore but someone who has little bit “off” behaviour sometimes I think I can live with. For me, that’s “just life”…
What I wanted to say is that your words hurt me very much, I find them very cold and heartless. Ever since the day I was born, 43 years 11 months ago I have had relationship every day with this woman, also known as my mother. I’m not just going to “let go” of her, never. Would you? I prefer to live in reality and not in some fantasy shangri-la where everyone is always “nice” to me and then I’m upset when that doesn’t happen. Come on.
But what my intention is to make this “reality” better, in any way that I can. Just dump or ignore people are not a solution to anything I believe.
Hi Julia,
I am so sorry my words hurt you – I promise you that was not my intention.
In answer to your question … With both my mother and father, there were very hurtful things in our relationships that it did come down to the wire with.
I deeply realised that to continue the way it was, was damaging me.
I got very honest about what I needed and wanted, and yes I was 100% prepared to walk away to look after my own soul and inner being if it wasn’t forthcoming.
They stepped up and we now have a much healthier and even at times wonderful relationship.
I had got to the point in my Thriver Healing journey that I was prepared to literally lose anyone else rather than allow myself to be damaged any more.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am 2 1/2 years no contact — and it was this same message from Melanie that I received through my NARP materials that made the most impact on understanding WTF happened to me. Learning I was not even human to him made me feel like it wasn’t personal. Don’t get me wrong — I was devastated and face down on the floor for months! Luckily, I found Melanie and NARP right after the discard phase while I was still hanging on to what I thought was real. Narcissists are robots. When you start looking back and having many aha moments that you now realize fit the NPD profile, you will begin to let go of the pain. They suck but the lesson they teach you is empowering. XOXO
Hi Ilona,
I am so thrilled for you that you turned inwards, did the healing and came out the other side.
Thank you for encouraging others to find their way out of this too with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I wrote down the mantra it has already helped me understand a great deal about myself.
It is a blessing to have found your blog.
Awww Ash,
I am so pleased this has helped.
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for the insightful video. I asked my husband of 30 years to leave 8 months ago because I just could not handle the patterns that kept repeating; the disrespect, the dismissive attitude, the short periods of what I thought was effort, then another awful act of disrespect or dismissal. I never knew what was going on. I grew up with this man. I was 20 when I married him. Now I am discovering exactly what I lived with for thirty years, control, manipulation, intimidation, belittling…..He only showed effort when his mask was falling off. Now I know what this all is. I do know that he never truly cared for me. My heart aches for my children though. We have two boys, 14 and 16, together. He barely sees them and my soon to be ex still finds ways to push my buttons through them. He also ignores their signs of trauma and his responsibility in any of it. My older son started pulling his hair out in anxiety when his dad told him there would be no money for him after high school graduation and that college would be an expense he couldn’t assist with. My son knows we started a college fund for him at birth. My husband is using it to pay his legal fees and for his expensive bachelor pad in the downtown part of our city. How do I talk to my boys about narcissism so they don’t fall victim to him any longer? Obviously I can’t share this video with them but the patterns are becoming very clear to at least my older son. Is there anything I CAN share with them? My lawyer keeps telling me “don’t talk badly about their dad to them” but when I see them becoming his victims, it is more than a challenge to just sit back and watch.
Hi Karen,
it is my pleasure.
Karen, please know that expecting a narcissist to step up and act like a normal responsible adult is fruitless and only causes more pain. What does work is letting go, healing and being in your life and for your boys everything that is healthy and solid, regardless of what he is or isn’t doing.
Not only is this the healthiest thing you can do for you, but it is also the ONLY way you will help your sons to be whole and empowered as well.
If you keep hurting FOR them – they hurt.
When you don’t and lead the way, you will all get well.
Don’t tell your boys anything – just detach, heal and be your healthiest you.
Your boys are NOT stupid, the healthier they get as a result of your healed up and empowered example, the more they work it all out.
I can’t suggest NARP enough for you, for you and your boys http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
It is 3 months since I was manipulated away from my family, discarded and replaced. I have only just realised (with your help) that I have been married to a covert, altruistic narcissist for a decade. Now that I know the truth, I can begin heal, stop blaming myself and do my best ensure my children grow up not to repeat history.
This video spoke to my core self and it helped me to release some of my pain. The inner work I need to do has only just begun…
Thank you.
Hello Melanie
I wrote this mantra verbatim. It is absolutely the calling of my cells to wake up inside. My cells were awakening. It wasn’t about them. They were the characters I needed to evolve.
And that I am. Love you and your work!! Forever a narper!
Kristina
Awww Kristina,
I’m so happy for you that you are shifting!
So much love to you and wishing you further blessings and expansion to you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
It’s like the sun bursting through the clouds.
The narc is my life is my adult daughter. Irritated and reactive, even in the womb, it has been a life-long struggle and she has always blamed me for her pain. I have been a target for years and have tried everything I know to make it better. I realize know i have been a long-term victim of her abuse and projections.
I get the NO contact idea, but cannot and will not stop loving her. No contact is not in my nature as a mother. In addition, I am very connected to my grandson and I fear I will lose him if she and I cease contact. I am trying my level best to draw healthy boundaries withoutt withdrawing my love and presence. I do feel how much pain underlyes her abusive behavior and my heart hurts for her as well as for myself.
Would love any particular insights/comments on how to deal specifically with a child narc.I can’t help but wonder what I might have done or not done in her childhood that has contributed to her anxiety and narcissism. Are some people just born with these highly reactive tendencies? I had difficulty soothing her from the moment she came into the world. I have an older son with none of these issues.
Hi Deborah,
please Google my name plus narcissistic child and you will find my resources on this topic.
Please know absolutely there are narcissistic children who were that way from birth.
My heart goes out to you and I hope that my resources can help you find some solution and peace with your situation.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie! I’ve been reading through all of your posts today as I’ve been debating for about / years whether or not my sister is a narcissist and if it’s time to go no contact with her. To keep the story short, I had some mental concerns about her 2 years ago (religious abuse toward her boyfriend, making him go through rituals of repentance, weird stuff). I approached her boyfriend after they broke up with these concerns, and she became angry at me (I think because he was still helping her around her house, feeling “forced” to help her because she kept telling him “you owe me”. She is very entitled, doesn’t work, gets state assistance, blames all of her “problem” on a couple car accidents she was in. She calls almost everyone around her a narcissist (even a 12 year old child of her ex boyfriend). She is always the victim, but knows how to charm everyone around her. She is the sweetest person to others but I’ve had the most bizarre text conversations with her where she deflects everything back to me, tells me I am manipulative, toxic, sick, abusive that I gaslight and triangulate with others. Apparently me sharing my concerns with her ex was “slander”. These are terms (triangulation and gaslighting) that I wasn’t even familiar with until I researched NPD. I actually feel she’s the one doing these things, not me. She lies and twists stories and has her whole church thinking her family is horrible toxic people. Ive tried to reason with her but obviously learned the hard way that doesn’t work. I’ve more or less called her out on her lies, and now she refuses to talk to me. Tells me I’m “unsafe and toxic”. I know I will never get anywhere with her. I need to write done type of letter to her explaining why I’m going no contact, but she probably doesn’t even care and never did? Do these people know there is something wrong with them? Do they know they’re different? Do they enjoy the way they are? I feel sorry for her. There is no way to get through. Does she really believe Im a bad person or does she know not?
Hi I was wondering if you could tell me about narcs who sexually exploit their children and deprive the children of the other parent
Melanie,
I have been carefully considering all the narc commentary I have read in books, online, and my own 17 year experience in a relationship.
I believe we create this reality in which we live and move and have our being. The purest highest vibrational frequency is love, to return/remember this, feel it, and operate in it is pure bliss and joy!!
Perhaps the contrast we step into and become programmed by serves to make that desire to “be love” so utterly impossible to ignore. When presented with it we eventually awaken and remember to choose joy and happy over pain and suffering!
This gives me hope and reminds me to continually focus on the great which exists within and remove my attention from that which is unwanted, so it will dwindle and die.
Freedom has been here all along!
Thank you for your amazing posts, they are brilliant!