Let’s talk about the horror of sex with a narcissist. Even if you feel like the sex was (or is) great, there really is a much more sinister game going on.
Why does sex with a narcissist come with so many highs and lows? Why do you feel so empty, used, and even violated after sex with a narcissist?
What is really going on in the sexual, energetic and soul exchange with a narcissist?
I can’t wait to help enlighten you, as well as help you know how to escape a narcissist’s sexual clutches, and detox yourself from their sexual pollution.
Video Transcript
For today’s Halloween special, I want to talk about something that is gruesome.
Sex with a narcissist!
Why is it so unwholesome? Because narcissists use sex as a weapon against you.
This can happen powerfully and quickly, or be an induced trauma-bonding over a period of time. Whichever way it happens it can feel almost impossible to break free from.
Many people report ‘the sex is so great’ and find it incredibly hard to break away and stop being abused. Others may not believe the sex is great, but still be bonded energetically through sex to the narcissist.
Today, I want to talk to you about the psychological, physical and also deadly… yes, deadly… psychic ways narcissists can use sex as a weapon against you.
So, watch on to find out…
Okay, so just before I get into this episode, I would like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Alright. On to it, sex … and what that means with a narcissist!
Why Is Sex What Many Narcissists ‘Hunt’?
Many narcissists are very sexually active and hunt people sexually. This is true for narcissists in and not in so-called committed relationships.
Via sex, narcissists are able to gain A-grade narcissistic supply – which means having people show them masses of attention and being controlled by what the narcissist is or isn’t doing. If a narcissist is the centre of someone’s Universe that is a prime position – because it means he or she has secured attention and energy that the narcissist can then regulate with ‘I want you now’, ‘I don’t want you now’ games.
The narcissist’s total necessity to stay emotionally functional requires getting the significance from others that can keep self-medicating away the trauma of their broken insecure inner self. Sex is a powerful tool to secure a constant supply of valuable narcissistic supply.
Sex is not just a ‘connecting’ mechanism for narcissists; it works for many non-narcissistic people as well.
We all know that sex can take involvement with someone to another level. For most women, this starts a deep chemical, cellular and emotional bonding process, where she will feel ‘coupled’ and start desiring a deeper relationship with that person. She may start believing in and wanting a commitment and a life-partner relationship.
Men, when being drawn into a narcissist’s sexual net, can be mesmerised by the narcissist’s sexual performance which is designed to provide the attention, compliments and fantasy that makes him feel sexually met and gratified, as well as providing the possibility for lasting love.
To gain narcissistic supply through sex is generally very easy for a narcissist to do. The winning formula is this: identify what someone has missing in their life emotionally or some past grievance or unresolved hurt, pretend to be the remedy for that, and many people will automatically trust you and even be extremely attracted to you.
This formula is especially powerful to snare unsuspecting females who have been hurt and struggle to find someone who they believe they can trust. The narcissist feigning ‘a saviour’ to them, appears to be their dream come true in spades.
For men, often it is the sexuality and aesthetics – the physical beauty – as well as interest in and care for him that lures men into sexual relationships with narcissists. It’s very interesting that men who are captured sexually by narcissists may not have started off considering a relationship with this person, but discovered that very quickly they found themselves in one.
This is because, once a narcissist connects sexually, they have more ability to induce trauma bonding and get control over their prey.
The Emotional Sexual Hooking Game
Being in a sexual relationship with a narcissist is not trustworthy, soothing or secure.
Rather, your sexual times are mingled with all sorts of insecurity and lack of safety.
You may wonder who they are talking to when their phone rings and they walk off around a corner. Or a trigger goes off within you when they start texting or engaging in social media on their computer.
You may question your own paranoia, but if you are honest with yourself, you know something feels off.
The narcissist may be all loved up with you one minute and then verbally and even physically disregarding, or even discarding you the next.
Maybe the narcissist has told you they are re-evaluating the relationship or don’t know whether they want to be in it anymore. The narcissist possibly, at times, goes missing in action.
Yet … at other times this person seems to not be able to get enough of you, including under the sheets.
Possibly there have been affairs you have discovered with exes or new targets, or porn involvement or you have caught him or her on internet dating sites.
Then the narcissist will convince you that it is all a mistake, or it didn’t happen or even appear to take responsibility and apologise – if that is necessary to snare you back in.
Or he or she will offer ONLY as much as it will take to retain you, which in advanced stages of narcissistic abuse isn’t much, and then you are having sex with the narcissist again.
WHAT is going on here?
I promise you that this is trauma-bonding. This is not how healthy, safe, kind sexual relationships go at all.
The narcissist knows that if you are suffering unease, uncertainty and trauma, and then he or she gets back together with you, the relief of that rollercoaster ride is such a HIGH, that it feels like LOVE.
It’s not love. It’s abuse, and it’s terribly unhealthy because what happens is that you chemically start to chase the ‘relief’, the high, and start tolerating greater dips down and down into the ‘lows’ to try to recapture that sense of ‘relief’.
If this is what you are going through, (as I promise you I once was too) you are severely and dangerously addicted to a person who can and will destroy you.
You’ve lost your boundaries as well as your self-worth bargaining chips.
Once you are hooked and traumatised and suffering from dire emptiness within and craving the narcissist to fix it, the narcissist can start relaxing on behaviour, allow his or her mask to drop and abusively demand even more compliance and acts to satisfy the narcissist’s insatiable and insane control and takeovers.
This could include having you accept sexually degrading acts like threesomes, getting you to agree to an open relationship, and even worse things.
Maybe now sex is withheld purposefully to punish you.
At this point, you need help to recover – badly.
Sucking Your Soul
Without going all Harry Potter Dementor-ish, I really want to offer my opinion about this.
If you are having sex with a False Self, who is a No-Self, you are getting your soul sucked out of you.
Narcissists don’t make love, they don’t have the ability to connect with you soul-to-soul, because they have divorced themselves from their True Self, which is the gateway to soul health.
Self-love, humanity, oneness and a connection with their Higher Power has all been obliterated by the narcissist’s False Self takeover. What is left is a relentless, unappeasable black hole. No matter what you do or give, it will never be enough.
Sex with a narcissist is only performed by them to self-medicate away the inner screams of their catatonic, disowned severely damaged Inner Being, and to feed the False Self with importance. Or to manipulate you to give them something that you normally would not.
To a narcissist you are no more than a masturbation and self-acclaim tool. The sex is not about you, or the union, and never will be.
This is why sex with a narcissist, no matter what happens in the act, leaves you feeling empty, and even violated afterwards.
True Intimacy means ‘in-to-me-see’. It is a sharing of one’s complete self with trust and love with another. A narcissist is never going to let you in or share his or her True Self with you. You are having sex with a fictitious character who is not soul connected with you at all.
In fact, the lack of soul health that the narcissist suffers from means that this False Self is stealing energy from you to buffer up the False Self, the narcissist’s core identity that can’t create and maintain energy of its own.
Sex provides a very direct way for you to be mined for your psychic and energetic resources. You are literally being pillaged of your soul energy.
You may have noticed that after sex with a narcissist you feel exhausted, drained or even unwell.
Now you know why.
How To Protect Yourself
Getting sexually involved with a narcissist is damaging on multiple levels.
Once they have infiltrated your body, not only are they sucking your soul and sanity, it is also likely that they will try to get their tendrils into other aspects of your life, such as your finances, resources and contacts, as well.
As a player in the dramatic stage show of the narcissist’s life, with them positioning themselves as the leading star, you could become entrenched in the drama of it all.
You may be used as sexual punishment against one of the narcissist’s other supply objects, be included in a traumatic love-triangle, or be the next dramatic discard and ‘lunatic’ that the poor narcissist has suffered from … all of which gains him or her wonderful compassion and supply from others.
I have said it so many times, and I will say it again, not everyone can get taken in by a narcissistic person.
If we are too eager to trust and connect and don’t do our due diligence to ascertain someone’s character accurately, then we are potential targets.
If we feel empty, needy, and unloved or unlovable we can be as susceptible to being love-bombed and complimented into being the next supply, as a dying person in a desert will dive headlong into a mirage.
Yes, narcissists love the thrill of the chase and to snare, take control and have people be submissive to them – but they are short sprinters. They need a payoff quickly – just like a lion does when he strikes upon a limping gazelle at the edge of the passing herd.
A narcissist has limited energy to expend to secure new supply. He or she is not going to keep trying if you have been tested and found out to be a robust bison. Meaning, you are not needy, falling for the love-bombing or found out to have scanty or non-existent boundaries (I promise you narcissists work it out pretty quickly).
Take your time to get to know someone. Let go of the beliefs that sex is how you will get someone to commit to you, or that if you don’t hand over sex, someone will discard you. None of that applies for decent and whole people seeking decent whole relationships.
And above all, be full and healed and developed enough within yourself to feel inwardly secure, full, self-assertive and honest, before becoming sexually involved with anyone.
Then you will flush out a narcissist by not caving into their demands to enmesh and hook up quickly. You will retain your interests and life whilst dating respectfully. You won’t jump to someone else’s beck and call, and you will honour yourself by questioning something and saying ‘No’ if your boundaries are pushed and something feels uncomfortable.
The bottom line being – you are TOTALLY prepared to lose someone else from your life than risk putting your soul and life in jeopardy.
Healthy love in NO WAY carries those risks!
I promise you that when you have all of that in place, narcissists will unravel and expose themselves right in front of you, or will disappear as quickly as they appeared. ‘No food for me here’ is their total understanding.
The Sexual Truth About Narcissists
Sadly, narcissists are damaged and polluted beings.
Not only is it common to run the high risk of sexually transmitted diseases, because of their non-discriminant sexual behaviour, they are also intensely toxic energetically when you combine your sexual energy with theirs.
If you have already been intimately narcissistically abused, is it worth the risk again?
If you know you have work to do to never get taken in by a narcissist again – then please check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), which is the complete healing and training package to reprogram your Inner Love Code so that this can’t happen again.
And if you know you need to detox from the terrible sexual addiction to, torment with and traumatising emotional and psychic pollution from a narcissist, then please consider NARP to get this done. Humbly I don’t know of any tool that works so powerfully to achieve this, and in record time.
You can find out more about NARP by clicking this link.
Also, I am so excited to share with you that I am going to be hosting my Premier Live Events in Australia. They’re in my home country.
Early December this is happening, and myself and the MTE Global Team will be hosting these in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane where we are going to birth your recovery, by sharing with you the most potent and powerful tools (humbly) there are in the world for people to recover from abuse.
So, I would so love to see you there so you may join in these events with a support person, so that they understand more deeply what your recovery is about and what you are going through. Or maybe bring friends and family who you know have gone through abuse as well, who could benefit from this.
And, for a limited time, I’m offering a $100.00 discount off tickets.
I’m so excited about this, I can’t wait– so click this link to find out dates and to secure your tickets.
And I am so looking forward to connecting with you in your comments and questions below.
I was never able to connect emotionally during sex, or any other time with my ex narcissist wife. Not once. She would never look me in the eyes.
Once I tried to psychically force a connection and she caught that quickly and told me in no uncertain terms to stop it now, “I don’t like this”. I did this thinking that perhaps it was me that was somehow blocking emotional connection.
Sex more often than not was a reward and punishment system. It was all about control. Sometimes she would withhold sex for a year. All I can say is we had good sex, a total of two weeks of our 22 year marriage.
holy shit! You lasted 22years man??? Wow, I was with my ex for 8 and almost KILLED MYSELF. Your a true boss bro. I Hope you have a great life, and heal fully. Thanks for sharing!
Yep. Jesse Lefever. Same thing. He would anything to avoid meeting my eyes. Sadly, he then became obsessed with degrading me by constantly demanding anal sex while is clearly about control. Worst lover I have ever tolerated and I am free of his torment now, by the Grace of God
WOW !!! MINE WAS NEVER A VERY WARM PERSON NOW I KNOW WHY. SHE NEVER CONECTED IN THE TIMES OF LOVE
WILL A NPD EVER BE ABLE OR HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP OR WILL THE GO FOR A WHILE
AND END
Hi Frank,
I hope that this can help answer that question for you.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/can-a-narcissist-change-in-a-new-relationship/
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hoy Mélanie, door sex te onthouden door hem 5 weken alleen te laten, is hij maar een nieuwe relatie begonnen, zijn ex vrouw gebruikt hij ook in zijn spel. Die mensen zijn zeer toxisch..
Thank you so much! I so needed to hear this! I was just mulling through this… not being able to make sense, and I had an odd thought that something was in the email for me and- I got my answer there! Every word so relatable. Thank you so much for this message, it came in the right time, and it eased my broken and confused heart, and physically drained feeling soul. If I was in doubt I was dealing with a narcissist Im so much more sure now.
P.s. When I’m finacially Im able to afford it, I hope to re buy and restart the narp program as I needed to refund it as I couldnt afford it at the time.
Your an angel saviour, your so special.
I think I need to rehear this again just to believe it like word for word describing my experience ( like is everyones story practically the same??). My heart can shed some of the guilt and confusion. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was trying my best and giving my all.. so it seems I might not be such a loser after all… what a relief.. and my instincts were picking up right… but whats funny (after challenging him quite afew times about this) he was the one that dumped me! ..
Hi Leah,
I am so glad that was helpful.
We would love to have you back on NARP with us all!
Yes, Leah, the same stuff, it is pretty much always identical – truly. Narcissists aren’t that unique or (at all).
Wishing you healing and breakthrough Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, the introduction to your article made me chuckle! It’s a real grabber!
It truly was a nightmarish experience. I went from wanting to drink his bathwater at one time to absolutely feeling sick at the thought of having sex with him.
The first time I saw his abusive personality was when I decided to stop giving him myself for nothing in return thinking it was love.
Since this is Halloween I think about the movie the Exorcist. I recall the character possessed spitting out green vomit as her head rotated. This is what the narc did with me when I announced I would withhold sex so we could establish true intimacy on an emotional level. I was trying to follow a higher way of approaching this after coming at it as I was familiar.
The nice guy was swallowed up by the monster inside. As I have come to love myself and to know the genuine from the false love by doing the emotional work to clear the psychic wounds of my very traumatic childhood I absolutely lost all interest in connecting with him or anyone on that level again.
Taking time to get to know someone and honoring sexual boundaries is the only way to weed out the soul suckers who can’t last on emotional connection.
Now I could care less who he is with or what he ends up with because it can’t be healthy. No one changes without seeing the need and without the willingness to do the hard work it takes. Any changes otherwise are superficially skin deep. They quickly fade.
Today I am in an authentic connected love partnership with myself. If that is all that I ever have in my life it will be enough. Realizing my self worth makes it far less likely for me to be with another narcissist or sociopath or a predator’s perfect snack. I no longer need love and validation beyond myself.
I finally found my way back home to me. It’s wonderful.
The narcissist was a messenger pointing me exactly to what I needed to heal from my childhood. He was a perfect match helping me to feel what I felt as long as I could remember in order to see that in order to be “home” it doesn’t ever need to feel like that again.
Inside I feel soft, warm and fuzzy… safe.
Reality for me these days is a life free from those who show inability to form healthy connections beyond the initial good behavior of new relationships whether male or female. Eventually the true personality is unmasked. Once I see it, I don’t hang around hoping to recapture the good stuff. Strong inner boundaries keep in the good stuff and keep out the bad.
I am content being alone with myself. At least it’s safe and real. One day if it is in the plan then I will attract another whole being.
Your article is a real description of what I experienced. The “love” was missing from lovemaking. The closer I approached the truth inside of me the worse it made me feel after being with him. There is no better way to describe the experience then the way in which you did. It’s the truth!
Take care,
Dorothy
( Happy Halloween )
Hi Dorothy,
drink his bathwater! hahaha I LOVE it!
How beautiful that as a result of doing the deep inner healing all bonding to him, or these types were gone. That is SO the true inner necessary work.
Dorothy, I adore everything you have written it is powerful and so evolved.
Thank you for granting such lovely inspiration!
Much love to you and Happy Halloween too!
Mel 🙏💕💛
He stopped sleeping on thebsame been for almost 2 yrs. There was no.intimacy closness affection he fell asleep and waking him up was a fight. When he was in bed rarely he would turn his back to me. I love him so I finally have up as not to feel.rejected. It became a roommate scene and discard came after incidents and being isolated. He found new supply before I left. He couldn’t live with me anymore. Quote. So I left a yr aho.i still.hurt. but trying to bless and accept thoughts tie love as it as remains but liking trusting and respect gone ty he withheld sex and touch. I stayed cause i.joped for change. Never occurred. Love bombing to cruelty and behavior that stunned. Day by day. Ty for your insights. The second time for us wad same way. Different day. 30 yrs apart it’s really sad at times but I am far away so I do not run into him. Better that way. Happy sanheim peace
I knew for years that my husband had NPD. He didn’t have the ability to be truly “intimate” with me without it turning into sex… I asked for that so many times over. He couldn’t do it. He refused to do it. He was extremely controlling. Verbally, physically, sexually & emotionally abusive.
I stayed too long! I left him just over 7 months ago and I still struggle with everything! And I mean everything! Emotionally, mentally, financially! It’s all really hard right now.
I have restraining orders against him because of domestic violence against my son and I. (I have 2 kids)
I now have nightmares about the sex… How he used to try to sneak up on me at night to get some because he knew I didn’t want it with him. He’d make me do it, and if I refused he would get mad. If he did get some, he’d complain & tell me how bad I was.
Either way I hated it…
Toward the end, he gave me the silent treatment for probably 6 months. The kids got the same from him too.
Hi Annette,
awww my heart goes out to you.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn how you can truly get relief and heal from this.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for this segment. I got free from my narcissist, but it took me a full year to figure out what I lost in the unhealthy bargain with him. He didn’t get any of my money, my lovely house, nada. Then it suddenly dawned on me that he knew I had been in a sexually anorexic marriage for 45 years and was starved, literally, for sex. He withheld sex more and more frequently, until I was in starvation mode again. I still thank myself that at the end, when he ditched, that I didn’t beg on my knees. I never dreamed, and never plan to have that nightmare again.
Hi Alexandra.
I think this is another sexual tactic of narcissists. If they know that we really love sex, then they have a tendency to withdraw sex to wind us up and get that hit of narcissistic supply. If, on the other hand, someone is not so highly sexed, or is going through a period when they are ill or anxious, then the narcissist will keep trying to have sex with them, even though they don’t want it. Both extremes are forms of control.
After doing Mel’s programme 3 years ago, it changed me from that limping gazelle on the edges to that robust bison! I still attract the occasional man who I intuit pretty quickly, may be manipulative, distant, maybe narcissistic, but I seem to repel them at a lightning speed. At times this has upset me, but I soon realise that I’ve dodged a bullet and that they’ve left as I offer no drama, have strong boundaries and will not offer them the roller-coaster of supply that they want. A lot of narcissists get off on wanting us to be wound up because they are (purposefully) withholding what we want. If we stop fighting for that, know it exists in us, and leave the scenario, head held high, then they have no control over us. And I can tell you… They hate it!
Mel’s programme will make robust bisons of us all!!
Happy Samhain!!
Lorrie xxx
Hi Alexandra,
I am so happy for you that you are out of this.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am using NARP to heal my sexual past which is littered with soul-sucking narcissists. I can think of only one partner who didn’t do this and wasn’t a narcissist. All of the others did this, and I am left feeling very disgusted, especially with myself for letting it happen. Of course they were master liars, but I still feel icky.
Hi Jennifer,
please come into the NARP Member’s Forum, if you need help with your shifts http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
We would love to help you get through this.
Lots of love
Mel 🙏💕💛
It is so true about a narsist and sex andother parts of live.
The more and more I read about narcissistic abuse the more I realise about my ex. I thought I knew about it all, but reading your blogs Melanie has taken it all to another level.
I split with my ex 6 years ago and we Co parent our child. Even though we are separate, and at other sides of the country I was still controlled by him.
Everything I did was to make sure I didn’t upset him. As a parent I was scared to be the parent I wanted to be through fear of him scalding me. Even a message slightly. Hinting I’m a bad mam was enough for. Me to know he was probably documenting anything I do he displeases of. And that has left me frightened over the years.
This blog has opened my eyes yet again about sex and Marc’s. It was loveless, I was coerced into doing it. He used to say (if I didn’t want it) don’t you love me anymore? So I’d feel guilty and let him have it even tho. I’d lay there looking away not even reposnding to him. Just wishing it would be over quickly.
When it was over he would play on his game and have his laptop open on his knee and have pornhub on. I would sse it and not question it.. But it killed. Me inside.
6 months into the relationship he just sprung on me he wanted a child. I was taken aback we hadn’t discussed children he was 9 years older then me, had no outside friends and didn’t socialise. It wasn’t until I left I knew. The real reason he wanted a. Child. I had a new job made lots of friends and would socialise and have fun, I was 23 and full of life. My career was getting better and was promoted to look after a couple Of stores not just one. It was at this point he threw a baby into the mix.
The idea of having a baby petrified me, but his constant pleas of not wanting to be a old dad were making me feel guilty. So in the end I said OK.
It was like a light bulb had switched in his head… Where are your contraceptive pills… He said. I showed him and he popped every single one down the loo right at that second.
I have never been so afraid and never wished for my period so bad in my whole life. 2 months later I was pregnant.
It wasn’t until I was pregnant that the more aggressive behaviour and jealousy started. Then when my child. Was born it went to another level.
Thankfully I got out when my child was 5 months old and started my new life away from him, but still under his thumb.
Trying to explain to court what he did was hurrendous, his mum even lied for him I had no real proof. They didn’t take me as seriously as they should have. If it was tried again today it would be different as the laws have changed alot with domestic abuse.
It just hits home how dangerous he was and how.evil he was and still is. He’s lost control over me. This year due to legal circumstances and he has done nothing but slate me to everyone who will listen. I’m not retaliating because that is what he wants. He even stopped paying. Child support because that was the last thing he had Control over.
It’s scary and frightening how you can become. So trapped in a life and not even realise how dangerous and twisted it is.
OKay… So I was literally thinking I was crazy. I tried to say these SAME THINGS (Mind you I just recently discovered the BuGwooorrrgeous Melanie Evans) during my relationship with my ex. I spoke to my cousin (this dude is like a brother to me). I spoke to my MOM (Totally thought she was my best friend all my life, but my Narc-Ex got to her… can anyone say “Flying Monkey”???)… I even tried to speak to my narcissistic dad (We all know how that went haha). But no one could begin to understand what I was saying. I said to them (and I quote)…
“It feels like the life is LITERALLY BEING DRAINED from my being. I fell empty inside after “Making Love” to her… (Intuitively I knew she wasn’t making love to me… It was an act… This was before realizing my gift as an intuitive sensitive person) I get this strong feeling that she’s out to get me, but I CAN’T PROVE IT. I love her so much tho. I need help…”
Everyone closest to me responded as you would expect. “Boy you crazy. That girl loves you. She would never hurt you!” Pssshhh… That THING discarded me as soon as I discovered Melanie and others who teach about narcissism. I foolishly felt compassion, and tried to “Help” her tho… Thinking that I could help her heal…
Melanie and my other survivor team mates… This woman literally capitalized off of my spiritual energy. The longer I stayed with this woman, it was as if… I was going down in life… But she was Rising up at a SERIOUS RATE. As my life fell apart, her life shined like the morning sun. Her skin began to glow (She was super pail, and pimple faced when we met) her aura even shined brighter the longer she was with me too…
Ironically, she’s been hoovering me for quite some time and caught up with me a week ago… Boy lemme tell you… That glow is GONE. On the outside, she looks good… (OF course… They make sure of this) But as empaths, and intuitives, we know the truth is in the eyes…. Her glow is gone… Her skin is super duper pale, almost sickly, and her eyes tell the story… Her inner self is totally gone…
In the end, she discarded me RUTHLESSLY… This was 2 years ago now, and just this week, I felt a feeling that I haven’t felt in quite a while… You know, that feeling that you get in your solar plexus when you feel like your the S.H.I.T??? (Sugar Honey Iced Tea) GOD I’VE MISSED THAT FEELING!
Still a ways to go in getting back to the ME I know myself to be… But Its possible, I know it is.
Melanie,
Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to learn and heal and speak our piece on your page like this. I know this was a lot, however, I know my fellow survivors are here for support!
Hi Isaiah,
it is so true how we lose ourselves as narcissists feed off our energy and resources.
Wishing you healing, breakthroughs and empowerment.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie
Thank you so much for the clarity of this important topic.
If only I had NARP 20 years ago!
You describe accurately the devastation of sex with a Narcissist.
How I travelled through this and survived is a miracle.
It is everything you describe to the letter!
Your mission is essential Melanie to help all out there suffering from what no one else puts into words so clearly like you. It is a blessing you are have come through this with NARP and I hope your forthcoming tour in Australia which I am sad not to be there for is a huge success and many more people can get the help they need from NARP.
Much Love Reena 💖 xxx
Awww Reena,
you are so welcome.
I am so thrilled and happy that you survived and are healing beautifully.
Reena you are such an inspiration!
Bless you darling lady.
Mel 🙏💕💛
After 37 years with a narcissist I was discarded . The red flags were always there but I wasn’t ready to see them . I now see that our sex life was trauma bonding , it was the best “ sex “ I had ever experienced with a man , I felt connected but at the same time was very untrusting of his fidelity . I was living an illusion , hanging on to a dream , making up excuses for his behavior . Now , at 65 years old I feel like I was such a fool , allowing bad behavior because of my poor boundaries . I feel like I am a stranger to myself , learning how to set my boundaries , giving up for good my narcissistic husband of 37 years , but it is hard , 5 months in and no going back . It is the hit to the ego that is hard ( his new supply is 38 years old ) but I feel freer than I have in years ! I realize that the answer in within me , self love and acceptance , he does not deserve me .
Awww Leslie,
wishing you true breakthrough and love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Everyone,
Yet another brilliant help video from Melanie. I have been away from my ex-husband Garry for 2 years 3 months now. And basically the sexual experience I was put under is exactly how Melanie describes , without any of the main detail of course. I am very cautious now about getting involved with another man. I have dated 2 men these past couple of years; but if I smelt a rat and it wasn’t to my standards I told them no I am not ready for a relationship. I have gone through the Quantum healing process, and I am so happy living with myself and being strong and fulfilled with my life. Of course I don’t want to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life…. but I am in control and very content with the person I am today. So it is all good!
Su xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Su Clarehugh
November 2, 2019
Hi Everyone,
Yet another brilliant help video from Melanie. I have been away from my ex-husband Garry for 2 years 3 months now. And basically the sexual experience I was put under is exactly how Melanie describes , without any of the main detail of course. I am very cautious now about getting involved with another man. I have dated 2 men these past couple of years; but if I smelt a rat and it wasn’t to my standards I told them no I am not ready for a relationship. I have gone through the Quantum healing process, and I am so happy living with myself and being strong and fulfilled with my life. Of course I don’t want to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life…. but I am in control and very content with the person I am today. So it is all good!
Su xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Melanie
On this topic, I think it’s the total absence of a real person to both give love and receive love that makes any connection to a Narc so profoundly confusing.
What are they doing in life if it is not to perfect love?
Without this ability to experience love with someone, how can we go ANY LONG amount of time with them? I don’t understand the long relationships people have endured. It is like going without oxygen for years. How can we live without breathing?
Narcs have no ability to secure, exchange, experience, or produce love. They CAN’T MAKE love because they do not keep it within as a treasured valuable, precious possession to share with another
They have no weapon at all in this area.
Love alone is attractive , seductive, and desirable
Hi Iris,
100% correct – that if you aren’t a container of love, you can’t make it.
Blessings to you as always!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Just bunch of American women complaining about men. Why don’t you turn to other women if you don’t like men.
I’m from the UK, and the people who post here are from all over the world, Ken. If you read the blogs carefully, you’ll see there’s plenty of men who have had these experiences too.
Not just a bunch of American women complaining about men, it’s a bunch of people (male & female) who have had their lives destroyed by their partner or indeed a parent or other relative.
Narcissistic abuse is not a big deal to anybody who has never been subjected to it, however it’s a big deal to all those people who have been subjected to a Narcs manipulation and control….rule of thumb is if you have nothing nice to say or indeed add words to encourage people who are or have been in traumatic relationships then don’t comment on something that you obviously know nothing about!
Melanie, can you help me understand the part about the sex being their way of sucking your energy from you?
I have had a hard time understanding why I experienced the sex as so intensely enjoyable with my ex-N.
But – one thing that does stand out to me since reflecting on your video (thank you by the way for the video!!) – the last month we were together we had sex more frequently than the previous months and (interestingly) this was also when my energy for nearly everything else in life was drained from me. I was always on the verge of tears with things that had nothing to do with him, I suddenly lost a lot of weight, and I felt empty inside. I had trouble making a simple sandwich for my child’s lunch. It literally felt like the life was sucked out of me – I really want to understand this better.
Thank you!
Hi Susan,
I can’t logically explain unseen forces to you. Narcissists take lifeforce, and sexually connecting absolutely feels draining with a narcissist – so many of us experienced this.
It’s not vital how it happens, what is vital is taking our lifeforce back by disconnecting and healing. Understanding doesn’t heal us – inner healing does.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to experience this.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Jesse Lefever not only lured me in and stalked me to secure a new source, but then refused to use condoms and forced me into anal sex all the while cheating and lying to me – sex with an npd is awful.
Yep. Jesse Lefever. Same thing. He would anything to avoid meeting my eyes. Sadly, he then became obsessed with degrading me by constantly demanding anal sex while is clearly about control. Worst lover I have ever tolerated and I am free of his torment now, by the Grace of God
You might cover the sexual promiscuity under a different topic not necessarily this one. The narc has an insatiable sexual appetite which feeds the idea that they really use it to fuel their soulless selves. And we are not talking here of just like hetero/homo-sex but involved in everything from polygamy, orgies to bestiality. To even having sex with close friends, their wives, relatives, sisters, mothers in law, other in laws, employees, business partners literally anyone and everyone around you and in doing so creating this sick web of secrecy and disloyalty around you .
I am grateful for all the comments and brave sharing. 3 years out of a 6 year trauma bond I still waiver between the part the narcissist played in the trauma bonding and the part I played unknowingly fueling the dance. I still sometimes think I was the narcissist. Its all a bit crazy making. She would not look in my eyes during love making, or any other time. She could or would not initiate the simplest affection like holding hands. She could not say affirming or kind words about me or the relationship. She would not show any connection to me at social gatherings. Men would often lure toward her beyond flirting…it was sexual seduction. I could feel it I my body as a
n empath. I stayed always thinking it must be my fault (childhood attachment trauma) and it would get better because I could fix her and make it all better and be loved. Yikes what a formula. Its not something to figure out. Its my long journey to heal. Thanx Melanie and everyone in the healing community
I am grateful for Melanie and all the brave responders willing to share their crazy making escapades with narcissistic ex partner and current partners. Sometimes I was convinced I was the narcissist ,and in some aspects of my befuddled state I probably supported that conclusion. This experience of attachment with a narcissist is not some phenomena that can be logically pieced apart or deconstructed through logic. Understanding is not enough. Healing is the remedy. But for me the healing and repair is so slow . It is deeply rooted in childhood trauma and that is the source of the repair. My belief in my inherent goodness. Why would I work so hard to make love work ,when its not love at all to begin with.. I have 3 years out of the relationship still many wires to unravel that have built pathways over many years. Hearing the depth of your struggles affirms I am on the right path and the work ahead of me to undo the convoluted craziness. And how else could I have come to this work but by the paradoxical gift of the, in my case covert, narcissist
Reading here, I have gotten to know my husband better than the over 20 years we lived together. I have also recently become aware of my PTSD from childhood. I guess that made the match complete…Realization and repair have been slow for me, the damage intensely complete. Melanie, you have been a gift and I am very glad I found you. Hopefully I will be able to become whole for the first time in my life…
Here’s my experience from another angle. I consider myself to be unapologetically sex positive. I have had had threesomes, been in an open relationship, and even performed in adult films. But the narcissists I have known are never honest about their sexual behavior. They never openly cop to “the life.” Narcissists pretend to be fine, upstanding, “respectable” people, all while cheating on their wives with underage prostitutes and “degrading” their partners with unwanted sex. As someone with an “alternative” sexuality, I consider narcissists to be as big scumbags as everybody else on this site. If your sexuality isn’t from a place of empathy and connection with your fellow human beings, I want nothing to do with you. As Melanie says, love yourself first before you can love anyone else. And enjoy great sex with healthy people.
Also Jesse Lefever he ruined my life
He is a highly damaged MONSTER and only one month ago sent me this text when I tried to warn his new supply:
“You crazy bitch, stop contacting me and people I know. No one cares about your fucking problems you stupid psycho, just kill yourself and leave everyone alone.
Die, just Die!”
This deeply damaged demon needs to be called out before someone actually does take their life due to this pathetic monsters psycopathy.
Who is Jesse Lefever ?
Falling for someone is not a logical process. I now half joke that if I was to date one of the first questions would be tell me what is wrong with you? For some reason nature has not given us a flushing out system. But by no mea s should we individually take the blame for the other persons actions if they are aimed at hurting us. I can see how the parents role is vital. We have a super chance to stop anti social behaviors early in child hood. I have seen this first hand with my parents in-laws. I am afraid when a pattern of behaviors starts you are in trouble. Lack of empathy and eye contact, odd facial twitching. A common question that is asked is why did you stay so long? It can take years to see a pattern, but it belongs to them. They control the narrative and are super actors. In my case he trusted me and started to give small things away, like he didnt like people telling him what to do. He had the right answers. What could a theripist tell him that he did not know? He would tell me straight away I was arguing when I hardly said a word, then I saw he was trying to control my voice.. My story is long and not yet finished but I have seen the light and goodness will win! Honesty is the key and supporting the person is super important. There are wonderful men in this world and I remind my self of this when he is trying to work his magic. I have an exit plan and I do see a life in old age without him. What is sad personally is if he had made me a hot chocolat once in a while I may have not noticed what was going on. Stay safe and plan a great escape!