Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Stop Trying To Help The Narcissist Whilst Destroying Yourself In The Process

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
89
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

So many people with wonderful hearts who radiate empathy and compassion, have tried to help narcissists.

But it doesn’t work.

In fact, it leaves them broken, empty and even lifeless.

Why?

And how can we heal from this?

Learn exactly why, as well as how to heal from this tendency, in this week’s Thriver Tv episode.

Thank you so much for everyone that contributed to last week’s video by sharing your questions and comments. I just adore being able to interact with the Thriver community in this way!

Please continue to share your thoughts with myself and the Thriver Community by commenting on the blog, I respond to as many as I can.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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89 Thoughts on How To Stop Trying To Help The Narcissist Whilst Destroying Yourself In The Process
  • Rivkafinkelstein@yahoo.com'
    Rivka Finkelstein
    August 19, 2016

    What if a person has figured all this out and understands the dynamic of being in a relationship with a narcissist and has taken steps to do inner child work and protect oneself thru boundaries and not feeding into the narcissists negative energy and games . However if a person is still living with the narcissist and not planning to leave what do you suggest ?

    • alidyvig@gmail.com'
      ali
      August 19, 2016

      If someone living with a narcissist isn’t urgently in process of trying to safely bring that situation to an end, then I’d say, from my own experience, that they haven’t got it “figured out” and do not yet understand the dynamic of being in (NON-)relationship with a narcissist!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 19, 2016

      Hi Rivera,

      then really the answer is: This person is faced with the limitations of living within a narcissistic relationship.

      And how that could unfold now and in the future.

      Whenever we are not living our soul truth and “bargaining” with ourselves not to – we pay a price.

      Mel xo

      • Kyarmush@hotmail.com'
        Kathy
        August 20, 2016

        As always, excellent article.
        I am 2 years and 10 months out from my narcissist leaving, and thanks to you Melanie, I feel happy and at peace.
        I have a few problems though…
        i can’t cook and entertain friends like I used to, because I don’t want to now.
        And, I can’t find my “purpose in life”, my “passion”.

        Also, I am wondering if you could write an article on “can two narcissists successfully have a relationship”. I am just curious about that.

        Thanks for being you!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 20, 2016

          Hi Kathy,

          I am so glad you enjoyed it!

          Kathy whenever we have certain trauma still within us, it blocks our True Self expression – which is ALWAYS expansion and growth toward of highest joys and deepest aspirations (the reasons why we are here).

          Have you taken your healing Kathy to the powerful level of working with Quanta Freedom Healing in the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?

          Because, as a result of releasing and up-levelling the trauma still inside, as well as working in with our wonderful NARP Community for support and direction on “how to” (if you got stuck) http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member you would clear this stuff in no time.

          Truly …

          Mel xo

      • mary58734@hotmail.com'
        Mary
        September 10, 2016

        Hello,

        I am married to a narcissist and have two young children with him. I am trapped two states away from my family and home as he has lured me away from them. Because we have residency in his home state, if I were to leave him I would be trapped away from my family until my kids turn 18 and we can move back home. I am battling with trying to stick it out in hopes that he will fulfill his promise to move back where I am from once he completes his education in a year, and just leaving him now. Either route I take I am barely hanging on. Stay with him and put up with the abuse to possibly be able to go back home, or leave him now and be trapped in his home town with no family, and very few real friends, to go through a bitter divorce basically on my own only to still be abused and have to share custody and not be able to see my children every morning they wake up and every night they go to bed. I am absolutely torn as to what to do. And I’m already having health issues from stress and feeling guilty that Im not the happy mother my children deserve. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

    • Girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
      Kg
      August 19, 2016

      I’d say you’re lying to yourself. The narcissist cannot love you, support you are truly care about you. Ask yourself what you are getting out of it.

    • dtdefrino@gmail.com'
      Sara J
      August 19, 2016

      This is an excellent question. I would like the answer as well!

    • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
      WJBMotown
      August 20, 2016

      My own mother spent her life trying to appease/walking on eggshells with my Narc father.
      She is now bedridden…exhausted from being misdiagnosed(lithium) from having a breakdown.
      She served as Narc supply her entire life and now a shadow of her former self. Prepare yourself for a long term downward slide into oblivion….get out now while you still have time.

    • 18QUEENSTAR@GMAIL.COM'
      QUEENIE
      August 20, 2016

      RIVKA DEAR, I UNDERSTAND YOUR POSITION. I WAS IN SUCH A RELATIONSHIP TOO. I DISCONNECTED TOTALLY EMOTIONALLY AND UPPED MY SELF ESTEEM. THE NARC HAD NO MORE SUPPLY FROM ME. EVERYTHING WENT OVER OR UNDER ME. I WAS NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. I STAYED FOR THE SAKE OF MY SEVEN CHILDREN. AND LO AND BEHOLD , MAGIC, IT TOOK SOME TIME AND HE IS MENTCHELLING OUT WITH THE HELP OF HIS THERAPIST. I WAS READY TO WALK OUT PHYSICALLY TOO. I STILL WORK ON MY AND ONLY MY CHILDHOOD OR EARLY MARRIAGE WOUNDS AND WITH MY INNER CHILD. AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS EXCEPT THE WELFARE OF MY YOUNG CHILDREN. SYR WORKSHOPS HELPED A LOT. WISHING YOU LOTS OF SUCCESS AND GOOD LUCK. NOT EVERYONE CAN ALWAYS LEAVE DUE TO CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES.

    • deborah.haring@sky.com'
      Rosepearl
      August 20, 2016

      With love and respect, I agree fully with the other comments and from my own experience I stayed in a relationship with my Narc Mother for years telling myself I couldn’t go no contact as I wouldn’t see my Dad and what would the family think etc etc .
      I’ve paid the price ,broken down to a shell of what I was physically , emotionally and spiritually. My Father has since passed and I am now working NARP and am blessed to have crawled through to this stage, just.
      My Mother has just become worse (as they do ) and there really was NO choice ever . There is only NOW and I wish I had acted years ago. I knew she was a Narcicistic in the extreme.
      I was looking for an easier softer way but there isn’t one.
      I hope you find your own clarity and path!
      Bless Rose Pearl

  • sandy_stal@hotmail.com'
    Sandy
    August 19, 2016

    Mel…..I thank God I found you in the nick of time everyday….I need some advice…..I was the victim of two narcissists at work. In 6 weeks I have to face them in a court of law to receive compensation. I was a teacher. After five years of nearly losing my life repeatedly, having to prove to the medical and legal profession how sick I am over and over, I had intentions of trying to right the system and make workplace bullying illegal. Narcissists are rife in Education. I also have experienced them now all the way through my journey for justice. Certain professions seem to draw these Narcs. Can one person make a difference so others that weren’t as strong (or as stubborn) as me and future teachers won’t have to be subjected to the same annihilation as me…body, mind, and spirit. Our Education system is in crisis….teachers being bullied by colleagues and principals…suicides….resignations. …and unjust sackings….one of my treasured colleagues is now a kitchen hand in a nursing home after 30 years of teaching because of these narcs… should I accept I can’t change evil and walk away or try to make a difference?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 19, 2016

      Hi Sandy,

      I am so glad you are here too 🙂

      This is throughly believe – we need to be-come the change we want to see.

      When we push back … all we do is “feed” it …

      Yes Sandy we can reform things and make a huge difference to individuals and systems, but it must start with healing “self” first.

      Nothing great ever came from fighting back within our own energy fired up on trauma, judgement and needing “that to change for me to feel better” .

      Please know I am not judging you – because what you are feeling and going through is perfectly understandable, very human and totally i “get it”!

      However what I know from nearly a decade of this work is that any “doing” you try to do from a “beingness” that matches the problem, will only bring you more pain and frustration.

      When you shift your wounds in relation to this, then Sandy you will have healed you (regardless of any “justice” you do or don’t get) and THEN have the power to shift what perpetuated this and bring a bright light and reform to it.

      And not before …

      Light is never shone on (situations healed and resolved) when we are still in our own personal darkness.

      That is why I created healing systems that create Quantum Change within and then which grant us the power to create Quantum Changes without.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • wopla@gmx.com'
        Miba
        August 19, 2016

        God, this post is wonderful. I’m in awe.

        I especially like these lines:

        “we need to be-come the change we want to see”

        “we can reform things and make a huge difference to individuals and systems, but it must start with healing ‘self’ first.”

        “any ‘doing’ you try to do from a ‘beingness’ that matches the problem, will only bring you more pain and frustration.”

        Great video, great response. Such Truth to it.

        • ejnme@hotmail.com'
          Emily
          August 25, 2016

          Just need a little more clarity, to understand what exactly the quote “any doing you try to do from a beingness that matches the problem, will only bring you more pain and frustration.” Means.??

          The “from a beingness that matches the problem” portion. I get it, yet I don’t. Not exactly sure how to put into words what I want to ask here. How to ask?? I think it would be a simular problem rather than a matched problem, that I’m being driven to. I’m being driven to it either way! Just don’t want to arrive prematurely, unaware that more pain, had secretly snuck into my trunk when I stopped for fuel. Trying to work out any detours in advance if possible.

          Thanking you all in advance for any responses,
          Emily

    • sandy_stal@hotmail.com'
      Sandy
      August 19, 2016

      Thanks Mel….I am devoted to your program. I have meditated the bejesus out of this body since January… and am making remarkable inroads…thanks so much for the advice…maybe there’s more than one way to skin this cat…by being whole….xxxx

  • bonyin32@hotmail.com'
    Bon
    August 19, 2016

    Hi Melanie, I’d just like to ask even though I think it would be true and the same, for a person who is addicted to drugs would you offer the same advice? My cousin is heavily addicted to drugs and is causing chaos for my Aunty and uncle. I have told them they need to kick him out, stop giving him support and enabling him. They have had to call the CAT team on him AGAIN a couple days ago and want to pay for him to go to rehab again. I understand they feel responsible and love him but they aren’t really giving him a real reason to want to quit. I would like to tell them the things that you’ve said regarding narcissists as I believe it would apply. What do you suggest I should say? Thank you :

    • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
      JESS M
      August 19, 2016

      Hi, Bon,
      From my experiences with people now in recovery; they All say that every single person has to hit “Their Rock bottom”.
      Unfortunately, Any help will only enable the person that they care For and about.
      It is very hard for the person who loves/care for the addict or alcoholic but it only Enables that person and as with all rescuing; the enabler then becomes the Victim. Id suggest a Brilliant org called “AlAnon” support groups for the carer’s. It teaches how to not do this: so the person they care for starts to recover. They have to Stop helping.
      Any helping(Especially Financial/Shelter; unfortunately only gives the addict; spare Money to spend on drugs or alcohol and stops them hitting the Rock Bottom. Id suggest a Dry House instead of their home. It trully; like us with the n; has to be that boundaried. The rescuers can become very sick till they see their roll. AlAnon also have great materials inc. A great leaflet::”The Merry Go Round….”(a red leaflet)…which shows All the people in addict/alcoholic’s life who help to perpetuate the cycle of Denial and addiction. Hope that helps. Jude x x

      • wopla@gmx.com'
        Miba
        August 19, 2016

        Wonderful Jess M

        Agreed. No rock bottom = no shift in consciousness. Because there is no incentive to change/grow.

        I have seen and heard of such situations time and again.

        And what keeps people ‘hooked’ to this drama, is that the individuals ‘taking care’ of the situation, somehow feel responsible, or there’s some belief driving the behaviour.

        Relentlessly cleaning up somebody else’s messes, is simply no way to live.

        I have first-hand experience in this regard (I have been on the receiving end of this, being the youngest in a family of 8 children, especially my parents wouldn’t let me do things for myself even though I was very strong-willed and insisted on being autonomous, and as a result that really corroded my self-esteem & self-confidence).

        I grew up in an environment where I was encouraged to be responsible for others, but not myself (to such a point where I would feel awkward about being responsible for myself, through childhood conditioning).

        As a result, I also lived with a disordered individual (for a year) who refused to be accountable/responsible, to the point of spiralling in debt.

        I recogized the dynamic, and refused to take on responsibility for the individual’s mistakes, and clearly voiced this (to which he wasn’t pleased, and ended up ‘discarding’ me, through bullying & smearing).

        • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
          JESS M
          August 19, 2016

          Hi Miba- I’m in it with you dearest Miba ☆♡☆♡ Very similar childhood to mine. It is Agony today but got the 3 Huge Wounds today to heal and attend to. I have been around the trauma till now. We Can do this as we have the Solution. It is Only a Feeling. I liked your belief too.
          Another for me:”Im useless (unloveable)…unless I can Rescue and help a hurting person”. And I became a RN & healer! X
          Am i ‘rescuing’ by suggesting we post about NARP and how brill it is on the YouTube Video where some may not be on it as we are?!! To spread the word.
          Like: I decided to do it after seeing Mel work on Sandra on YouTube. I needed evidence. I do that. Coming? X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 19, 2016

      Hi Bon,

      absolutely the same applies … taking responsibility for someone who is not responsible, means they will stay irresponsible.

      Also its important for you to know you are NOT responsible for your Aunty and Uncle’s lives and decisions – no matter how much you would like to help.

      You can suggest, and speak the truth but they may not be ready to hear it.

      And until they “have had enough” they may not.

      It’s often not just addicts who need to get to rock bottom to start changing – it is also the fixer / enablers as well.

      (As so many of us personally experienced.)

      And if they are not ready the healthiest thing you can do for ALL concerned is to be responsible for yourself – which means not adding another person to “the drowning boat.”

      Because what use are you to yourself and Life if you fret and go down with them?

      Mel xo

      • bonyin32@hotmail.com'
        Bon
        August 20, 2016

        Hi Mel and Miba and JessM. Thank you for your responses. I will definitely be suggesting AlAnon to them as a resource. I am not going to get involved any more than just making some suggestions and letting them know that any help is enabling them. My uncle wants to kick him out but my aunty is not ready to although her patience is wearing thin. I totally agree about people really only wanting to change once they have hit rock bottom and lived that for enough time that they really do decide they dont want to live like that any longer. I can only hope they do kick him out but I wont take on the problem myself. Thanks again 🙂

        • timoftahoe@gmail.com'
          Tahoephoto
          August 23, 2016

          Hi Bon and Miba and all,
          I understand having parents taking care of an addict. I went through Alanon. They taught me that for addicts there is NO rock bottom. How this plays out for us (now that I understand, thx Melanie) is that, since our parents or family want to help them they will totally be enmeshed until they stop trying to help. The addict has NO ROCK BOTTOM. That’s something that doesnt happen for them. The way they work is to gather a team about them to create misery. This misery gives them reason to do the addiction. So, you help them, they are grateful, then they sabotage the progress, you tell them they are ruining the progress and then they get mad at you for making them feel bad and you just enabled the addiction. Perfectly, according to plan. If you don’t heal YOURSELF first and yes, go to Alanon, (not AA) then you will be a perfect supply of misery for them. There is the question, are you willing to live with that forever? Because, it never goes away. They will behave like that even when sober. Alanon’s first question is that. Melanie is 100 percent correct. Heal youself, become concious of the dynamics of this toxic behavior, heal your personal wounds, the rest falls correctly into place. I have gone down this road a few times with family. Every time it was the same. Just like Alanon said it would. Mod 6 I heard Melanie suggest. I am only on mod three but, the subject in this show is so resonating with me I am going to try it. I thought I was doing great and have been feeling sooo much better that I haven’t been doing any Mod work. Heck, I committed to doing them though so I did mod 3 and found it addressing completely unhealed areas. I now believe that all the mods have a way to target areas of our woundedness in unique ways. This problem with helping to the point of self destruction was all about me. I lost so very much. But I did save everything for her! Good job Tim! So, I haven’t even read all the titles to the mods, but, thx Melanie for this week’s episode. I know I did this to myself. I just found it so hard to believe that there was no learning from her mistakes and I was duped into “saving” her from her perils like a damsel in distress. I was the Knight in shining armor. I needed a wake up call. Now Im going to mod 6. Then back to the others later. Thanks again Melanie, you got so many points correct. It’s uncanny how well you have this down. You are a blessing. Thx, Timothy

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    August 19, 2016

    Brilliant Mel!Thanks☆♡☆. I have Now a core layer to shift that has kept me enmired Totally. The Survival wound Major:”If I dont fix you-Im not going to be Safe!” & 2 Burden Beliefs-Huge ones:”If I dont fix you-no one else is capable of it. It is All up to me.” & “Im not Deserving of Others Love and Support…I AM HERE ONLY to grant love and support to others” the Latter belief has literally ground me to the ground but Thank God and you- I now got NARP Gold Modules to upleavel All of this-so I can now unhook from all n abuse neighbours and all toxic people. I got toxic…I was hopelessly codependant! Now I have the Solution. No more trying to control others to be safe and decent. Not my reality. I am thriving Up out of hell of faulty beliefs wounds. ♡♡♡ Jude xx

    • wopla@gmx.com'
      Miba
      August 19, 2016

      I have a similar thing going on. A subconscious belief that goes: if I don’t take care of you/take responsibility for you, you might die or I might be punished (so it’s akin to not feeling ‘safe’)

      Subconscious goes: ding ding

      Great synchronicity :).

      • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
        JESS M
        August 19, 2016

        Brilliant Mel!Thanks☆♡☆. I have Now a core layer to shift that has kept me enmired Totally. The Survival wound Major:”If I dont fix you-Im not going to be Safe!” & 2 Burden Beliefs-Huge ones:”If I dont fix you-no one else is capable of it. It is All up to me.” & “Im not Deserving of Others Love and Support…I AM HERE ONLY to grant love and support to others” the Latter belief has literally ground me to the ground but Thank God and you- I now got NARP Gold Modules to upleavel All of this-so I can now unhook from all n abuse neighbours and all toxic people. I got toxic…I was hopelessly codependant! Now I have the Solution. No more trying to control others to be safe and decent. Not my reality. I am thriving Up out of hell of faulty beliefs wounds. ♡♡♡ Jude xx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 19, 2016

          Hi Jude,

          yaya – I am so, so, so happy for you!!

          Freedom here you come!!!

          Big love back to you!

          Mel xo

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 20, 2016

        Hi Miba,

        awesome you are onto this one now – and can shift it!!

        Mel xo

  • sandy_stal@hotmail.com'
    Sandy
    August 19, 2016

    Ah….just read my e book again…..”dont try and change “what isn’t” into “what is”….start creating “what is” within yourself. ….😆

  • melaniekerry11@outlook.com'
    Melanie
    August 19, 2016

    Hi Mel,

    I found this article really interesting. I got out of a narcissistic relationship after 20 years (3 years ago). I got a lot of support to get out of it, (police, woman’s aid, rape crisis etc, court) and now have virtually no contact with my ex. We have very limited contact because of children (a couple of emails a year). What was interesting for me, was my eldest child is showing all the traits of being a narcissist too. And possibly signs in my younger child. It’s harder to know with her because she’s a teenager, and I’m trying to decide if some behaviour is teenager ish. I know I keep helping my eldest child, but by trying to make her take responsibility – I give consequences – but as soon as I do that she runs back to her father and his family, and they fully support her. I can see, I’m on a losing side here… she’s got a way out each time. She has strong opinions about me, and it’s apparent that her father is talking to both children about being a victim from our relationship, putting lots of blame on me. In the past he took my oldest child to support him in court, to try to get my injunction lifted, but the evidence kept it in place. So he told everyone I was mentally ill. At the time, I felt I needed to prove myself, so I had a full mental health assessment, which said the only thing I had was anxiety as a result of acute domestic abuse. I still get called mental etc because I spoke out eventually. I feel lots of anger coming towards me from my children. I maintain my stance, I don’t talk negatively about their dad (only to my best friends), and correct things that are said when appropriate. I am in in much healthier place in my life now than I’ve ever been. But I would love to know how I deal with adult children or older teens, who are developing the same traits as their father, but I don’t have any contact with him or his family. I keep reinforcing my own rules, and beliefs for my home and life, but do I just need to accept it’s always going to be like this with them. In the past year, I have made my eldest daughter leave on 3 occassions when her behaviour has been unacceptable towards me and I won’t give her a key to my home because in the past she has stolen and damaged some of my belongings. Thanks xx

    • kak@mindspring.com'
      Katy
      August 19, 2016

      I’m not sure if this is relevant, but I have read many articles where there is quite a bit of strong anecdotal evidence that narcissism may have a genetic component. So, your children may have a pre-disposition to being narcissistic as well as being socially and emotionally
      reinforced by their father.

      Sadly, there may be little you can do except protect yourself.

      Best wishes.

      • melaniekerry11@outlook.com'
        Melanie
        August 20, 2016

        Thank you: I wasn’t aware of this. It would make sense with my eldest child. My younger one is more empathic (but being heavily controlled by her father). We have 50% of parenting each – which of course mine never reaches 50%. She comes back later, days late sometimes, but because of her age, I can’t do anything about it now, and I wouldn’t want to put her through any more. I know she has to try hard to please her father, and it’s better to upset me, than him. Yes, my older child was always very ‘stubborn’ from a young age. Thankyou.

        • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
          Valerie Wedel
          August 23, 2016

          If you are working with Mel’s NARP program materials… consider clearing all negative beliefs you have towards the kids. It is pretty easy to freak out and see the narc parent in the child, when it is really only a child… don’t go creating a new narc by your own fear. Does that makes sense?

          Do you have faith that your child will choose wisely, in harmony with their own greater good, well being, and divine love? If the answer is yes, give them fair consequences and expectations for your own house rules. if the answer is no… consider working on yourself until the answer is yes.

          love and blessings –

          Val

    • Katieshopsalways@aol.com'
      Kathie
      August 19, 2016

      I feel your pain because I am in pain with a narc teen. I am torn with my mothering beliefs vs letting the teen fall and face her consequences. The situation is very said because she now talks and acts like her narc dad. I guess I have to let go and place the focus on me. So sad…she had such promise.

      • melaniekerry11@outlook.com'
        Melanie
        August 20, 2016

        Hi Kathie,

        Thanks so much for replying. My eldest is an adult (22), so I do try to put her responsibility on her. In fact, I was once in a counselling session, and she started to message me during it. How if I didn’t give her a lift to work, she wouldn’t go in etc. I couldn’t because it coincided with a hospital appointment. – not that I needed to justify it. My counsellor literally predicted what she would say, message by message, and told me not to let her put her responsibilities on to me. So since then, that’s how it’s been. It’s so hard isn’t it, because I’ve been through it all once with their father, and now I’m reliving it through them. I am coping so much better with it than I ever have. I have done lots of healing (almost there). Last week she told me it was my ‘duty’ to do her washing. I dumped it all on her bedroom floor until she took it to her dad’s family. The problem is what was in the article – she doesn’t learn from mistakes or consequences. The anger is at me for not doing what she thinks I should be doing. I have focused lots on myself – repairing and healing, so that I am in a better place to help my children, and enjoy my own life – but sadly I don’t know if I’ll get the opportunity to enjoy life with them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Melanie,

      Firstly I can’t recommend enough – as I do to all parents – that we need to heal ourselves first and foremost.

      Melanie you have been through a lot, and suffered terrible abuse as well as child alienation.

      And now this concern about your children … my heart goes out to you.

      Melanie, this means significant trauma is inside you (hence the big triggers) no matter what support you have had around this practically or cognitively.

      The subconscious holds onto these wounds.

      And this is why I suggest first and foremost NARP for you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to help you release these traumas and big triggers so that you can be as well as you can be – and then that is not only going to help you be more solid in all of this – it also offers your children the best possible platform via you to also get well.

      I remember Melanie, 8 years ago with my son Zac, being totally in the throes of his addiction, and consequent “narcissism” (his behaviour was abusive and dangerous), totally floored, devastated and really NOT being able to see a way out.

      It wasn’t until I let go of trying to directly influence him, and took FULL responsibility for my wounds, triggers, traumas around this and how I felt about him – and changed that to seeing and feeling him “getting well” that 3 weeks later (after I had him evicted out of the home) against all odds he called me up for lunch and we were hugging and he had completely turned a corner from severe drug and alcohol consumption and consequent psychotic and narcissistic behaviour to start being the truth of Who He Was.

      He has NEVER looked back since.

      I know this was no coincidence.

      I had shifted myself to a total emotional “knowing” of him getting well. And I had surrender it totally into God/ Source’s hands and had come to a state of total peace about it (no matter how long it would take). I know this may sound crazy … but I had also worked so hard at shifting my trauma about Zac with Quanta Freedom Healing, that I had ACTUALLY come to the total peace, that IF he wasn’t going to make it, that this was his soul’s choice and that was okay too.

      That is when the miracle occurred.

      I know that if I had stayed in the trauma about him, the fear and the pain that nothing would have shifted. I actually don’t think he would be alive today.

      Over the last 8 years since that event I have coached hundreds of parents to “heal self first” with the NARP Program on this topic and some of the most amazing shifts have happened.

      In nothing short of miraculous ways.

      Melanie, there are no guarantees that your children will heal by you doing so, but what IS guaranteed is that you will be able to heal you and have peace, truly …

      That is the power of what NARP creates – in ANY circumatsnace, when we dedicate, when we do the work directly in our body nd when we start to heal for real.

      And that creates the emotional stage where your children do have the best chance of their own recovery.

      This I believe with all my heart .. that we HAVE to lead the way.

      Where our energy goes is where our children’s energy go.

      And I’ve seen it happen more times than I can say … it also – I know – saved my son’s life.

      I hope this grants you some hope … there is self-work involved – lots of it …

      But what else is there to do?

      When I have seen that time and time again nothing else does work ….

      Mel xo

      • melaniekerry11@outlook.com'
        Melanie
        August 20, 2016

        Thanks for your reply Melanie – I appreciate it. Ok, watch this space, I am going to fully commit to the programme:) What you said has given me another perspective. In my heart, I don’t know that my children will have the relationship I’d love to have with them, but if I can be at peace with this – this is the next best thing for me, and will make a huge difference. And, if I am as healthy emotionally as I can possibly be, then I’m there for them if I get any breakthroughs. Thanks so much, I will let you know how I get on x

  • hennek@xs4all.nl'
    Henneke
    August 19, 2016

    Dear Mel,

    You and Bruce Lipton gave me the missing links 6 month ago. Thanks for the emails every day.
    I am was Duth kindergardentheacher and I got it and did the work.
    Realizigng that parents are not informed about minding you mind,( wake up and use your brain and get rid of other peoples noncense, you have got all you need in your self), I making plans to do something about it. can you help me with tips?
    Lots of love, Henneke (71)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Henneke,

      I am so pleased connecting with Bruce and my work has helped!

      Henneke, my suggestion to you would be to follow your heart, we all have a dharma within us, and when we let go of the “hows” and the feeling like “I can’t” and just be authentically into the “pro” movement with love …

      Then that can and will generate miraculous change.

      How lovely that you are feeling your purpose!

      Mel xo

  • kak@mindspring.com'
    Katy
    August 19, 2016

    I have an interesting anecdote about an alcoholic reaching the bottom. Over the years, my husband (who actually isn’t a narcissist) declined into functional alcoholism. It was hell to watch him get to the point that he would be choking on food, falling, wetting his pants, gagging when he was lying in bed, and then not remembering anything the next day. I didn’t leave him but gave up on helping with anything except cooking meals (which he often refused to eat) and making sure that he had his prescriptions and vitamins. I fully expected to be an early widow.

    He did stop drinking after he came within inches of falling head-first down the porch steps onto the concrete sidewalk. But, it was clear that his sobriety was very fragile. He constantly talked longingly about alcohol.

    When he was sober and continued to have balance problems, the doctor decided to do a CT scan. The scan showed significant brain damage from his alcoholism. Suddenly, brain damage got his attention and he’s clearly committed to getting better. It’s now very clear that that he either stops drinking or he will suffer more brain damage and probably will need to be institutionalized. My husband is a school teacher and intellectual capacity is everything to him – he’s now doing everything he can to try to restore his brain.

    So, I agree, an addict will not even begin to address the truth of their situation until they have reached a point of desperation and fear.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Katy,

      it is so true, and thank you for your powerful share 🙂

      Much love and healing wishes to you and your husband.

      Mel xo

    • deborah.haring@sky.com'
      Rosepearl
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Mel, just what I needed to hear, thank you ! I value all that you said in today’s video.
      In the replys I have read quite afew relating to the rock bottom in alcoholism and with respect ,as someone who is in recovery myself and has been for many years to me it’s not the same !!
      The subject of bottom and the chronic addict I feel is a different subject altogether. Ofcourse I agree with not enabeling alchoholics but it’s a totally different submission.
      I cared too much about others and not about myself! When most alchoholics are sober they tend to be overly sensitive and prone to co dependant patterns.
      I don’t think a Narcicistic is concious, mine would rather be alone than be wrong or change. They don’t have that capacity. Don’t mean to be controversial just truthful in that for me those analogies in the comments don’t resonate with me.
      As someone who has recovered I was always full of shame and guilt.
      I can see why it would seem the same but Narcisists don’t learn from their mistakes.
      If the rug was pulled from them perhaps for a while they would “submit” until they could return to the same pattern or move on to other people or places.
      I must say I suppose it has touched a nerve because my recovery came through a spiritual experience and was profound. No amount of denying me or ” not enabling me ” stopped me and I was at at deaths door. A shift took place.
      Anyway, my narc Mother now had no contact with myself her grandchildren her brother her best friend etc and refuses to be accountable in any way.
      I only share my truth and value others opinions even it I don’t agree.
      I’m moving on with my module work and know with your help and experience I can thrive , kind regards Rose

      • deborah.haring@sky.com'
        Rosepearl
        August 20, 2016

        To add, of course I was personally responsible and was accountable for my drinking. That is why I follow a programme of recovery. I am not condoning or minimising person responsibility.
        I think the as the victim of narc abuse I’m trying to break the pattern of addiction. Both chemicaly and psychologicaly.
        Many of my behaviours are the same . Being abused yet hoping next time it will be different ! Insane.
        Sorry that was a final comment !
        R xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    WJBMotown
    August 20, 2016

    Mel….Just love the way you bring co-dependency into the toxic stew of Narc abuse. Often it is treated as a separate problem and Narcissism is that untouchable situation in the closet.
    You have taken Co-Dep and put it up front and central……where is is in reality situations.
    Your videos just get better and better all the time………and with perfect timing.
    I am now having second thoughts about running over to my “friends???” place and doing all kinds of jobs that could be done without me. Thank you once again Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi WJB,

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased your resonate with them!!

      Mel xo

  • roxanne.schwab@gmail.com'
    Rox
    August 20, 2016

    Mel, Do you have some advice for those of us who are in the “helping” professions? I teach and also do mission work at a religious university. While I am up-leveling in my personal life, to stay away and heal from 20 years of a N best friend (NC now for almost 3 years), sometimes I feel compelled by my profession to show “endless” compassion. It seems that the boundaries in our personal lives should work similarly in our professional capacities, but we often have to do things at work that are directed by narcissists or people who have not up-leveled themselves. What do you recommend in professional situations for those of us who work in inherently narcissist-based fields?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Rox,

      I truly believe that when we bring our Authentic Self to the table, that we create the greatest change and reform.

      This means honouring our Inner Self, and speaking up with love and truth, rather than dimming down, playing small or selling our truth out because of the fear of rejection, punishment and even security.

      The is what helps ourselves, serves all of the Field in the most honourable and wholesome ways and has the power to transform all that we touch.

      The what is Light will stand … and what is darkness will unravel and crumble.

      Can you imagine our world if we all showed up in this way?

      Mel xo

      • sandy_stal@hotmail.com'
        Sandy
        August 20, 2016

        This has been a most inspiring response. Exactly what I needed to hear for my upcoming “David v Goliath”. I will speak my truth honourably, with love and completely serving the field. Xx

      • timoftahoe@gmail.com'
        Tahoephoto
        August 23, 2016

        Thanks Melanie. Great response.

  • peter@peterchristopher.com'
    Peter
    August 20, 2016

    Thank you – great perspective on this aspect, which is involved at the beginning, middle, and end of interactions between codependents and narcisissts.

  • lsaling23@gmail.com'
    Laurie
    August 20, 2016

    So I lost my “stuff” at, what I finally realized is, my narc sister. Funny when I look back at that moment and realize how good she is at it. And while I’ve done a lot of work since then to identify my wounds and self partner, the one thing I am having trouble with is the potential loss of relationship with my niece, my sister’s daughter. They live in another state, so there is always the physical distance, but this is the first summer my sister did not send her to stay with us. It’s a tough pill to swallow. And I find myself in limbo mentally over how to continue a good relationship w/my niece, mostly through letters and few texts (which I am sure my sister reads, so I am careful what I say), while steering clear of my sister as much as I can. It feels like the potential for a trap. Would love some advice on how to handle this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Laurie,

      as always my total suggestion is Quantum …

      Meaning “emotion first”.

      Because when we are in the emotional peptides of pain, loss or anything else … then any action that we take within that emotional composition can only yield more of the same.

      We all need to realise, to create change, that we MUST be the change to receive it.

      This means working on letting go of the pain of the loss of your niece, and emotionally shifting to peace, which then opens up the space for you to take action to connect with her that CAN work.

      Within the unseen world we can’t “see” what is going on energetically as the creation of our realities, but once we understand Quantum Law we realise the definition of “powerlessness” is trying to create results from traumatised states.

      Then, when we learn to attend to that as the inner centre of ALL of our creations FIRST, then we start achieving breakthrough results regarding our desires easily.

      And we start to wonder why we weren’t taught that and how difficult life was trying to change things from the outside in, instead of the inside out.

      So – my answer truly is this: Work on the emotional pain regarding this – and then you will know and “be” the right inspired action to take – or you may just “know” not to take action and that she will reconnect wth you the time is right.

      I hope this helps Laurie.

      Mel xo

  • sofia@copperbluemedia.com'
    eagle
    August 20, 2016

    I’m wondering if there is something in the stars that makes us go through such similar situations at the same time. Maybe it’s a coincidence. I’m contemplating the same thing with my Narc. My therapist insists that if I haven’t left him even though I say so many bad things about him it means Im still attached, and I am. I can leave him now, I have the opportunity. And I suffered a lot wiht him, but the reality is he only caused half the damage in my current mental distress. It is my own distortions that led to my feeling so bad. He caused harm but i caused so much more on my own by blaming myself and having a worthless undeserving self image. And another strange thing is happening. Whatever I kept inside suppressed with him I’m now spitting out rather abusively. My eviction is triggering all this suppresed anger. Our roles are reversed. I am now the abuser. I hammer him all day with my pain and at night I ask him to hug me. I still think I’m being manipulated but I don’t believe my Narc is a full fledged cold individual. I think in the end the conclusion to this is Melanie’s response upstairs: hen really the answer is: This person is faced with the limitations of living within a narcissistic relationship.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Eagle,

      you, poor thing, are right in the throes of narcissistic abuse.

      It’s such a painful and confusing place to be …

      But I promise you there is a direct way out of the pain.

      I would love to come into my next Free Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar , so that you can really get help to get to the bottom of this, release and up-level the trauma and heal for real.

      Then the hooks to him would not exist.

      If you have had enough, I can’t recommend the NARP Program enough … and it is something you could start working with immediately to start reaching and clearing the confusion and trauma that you are going through.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope the helps Eagle.

      Mel xo

      • sofia@copperbluemedia.com'
        eagle
        August 21, 2016

        Mel,
        Thank you for your reply. The reason I haven’t been more active with your modules already is because I actually feel worse doing the modules and then staying and not be able to leave. I’m slowly snapping out of my cognitive dissonance, it stirs my soul to be wound up and then just stay again. I’m throwing myself out of this relationship by force on Monday bse of my eviction. Im not moving in with him, I’m moving w a friend. I want to continue modules when Im free from him. It’s really difficult to pretend to be ok with him, start the work of modules to gain my freedom and then regress. I signed up for your webinar. I’m sure it will help me. I think I’m a little afraid of confronting the pain still, but I will have to.

  • sarafoxyjolie78@yahoo.com'
    MrsFox
    August 20, 2016

    Wow. Excellent!!! This is so true. I am so sucked in right now again with his 4th job that he lost and my inner mother hops out and wants to help him. I feel like I can’t even get out of it. I end up helping him and he gets his strength back and like you say he lashes out and then he starts demeaning me. It’s like he hates me. But from your teaching I know this is true. I love this Tv episode it comes to me at such a perfect time. I really need help in this area so Thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi MrsFox,

      I am so pleased this is making sense to you, and starting to unravel the madness for you!

      If you want the deep inner real help – please think about coming into my next Free Webinar Group – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      It would really help you and I would love to have you there!

      Mel xo

  • islamonday@gmail.com'
    Amelia
    August 20, 2016

    Hello, 2 years ago I finally let go of the tug-a-war rope and set my narc daughter free to her own devices. I had tolerated her constant abuse for years due to the needs only to protect her then 2 year old who needed protecting from both her narc mother and (absent) narc father. It was both hear-breaking but liberating at the same time. I felt a certain piece but others saw it as abandoning her. My daughter’s narc partner then took over the role and for the first time became interested in my daughter (he previously ignored her except when he was running her down) he took on my “role” but with a different agenda, he needed to feel a hero. He was clueless about what was actually going on in her life prior to this time. He had a lovely time enjoying all the sympathies he was getting. He allowed her to continue her drug use by providing her the money to do so then paid a fortune (he announced to all who would listen) and put her in rehab. The proviso was he expected her to get better in the course of 3 weeks or “there would be consequences” as he put it. Of course she “failed him” only a week out of rehab. He controlled her for months whilst organising his lawyers and putting a water tight case together including a 250 point affidavit full of her hideous SMS and emails he gathered by means of knowing how to press her buttons. He used us during this time as he built his case. We obliged not knowing what he was doing but supporting him for our grandchild’s sake. He then took her to court (knowing full well she wouldn’t recover, in fact gave her the money to enable her continued drug abuse). Of course he immediately turned on us too, and has done his best to alienate our grandchild against us (hasn’t worked as she loves us too much). Upshot is I have had to “support” my narc daughter to see our granddaughter and protect her from both their evil unconscious taunts. The father has had custody for 18 months now and our daughter has supervised access (that’s how we see our granddaughter as frequently as we do). Since then our narc daughter hooked up with another man (who had been part of her drug use known to the father) and they recently had another child. Narc father has gone to great lengths to eradicate me from his child’s life making false accusations against me. He can’t really “get” me because all his accusations are lies (not that means much in the legal system if a narc is involved, they are masters of deception) The only way we can see our granddaughter is to help my narc daughter who is losing the custody battle mainly due to her impulsive nature and own stupidity. She had the baby 2 weeks ago. All was “happy families” for a day then one week later she threw me out of her house when I was trying to assist her with her custody battle. I can’t take this anymore but the thought of my granddaughter being in the narc father’s care for life all but kills me. At least if she is in her narc mother’s care, she will have access to my husband and I who she loves to bits. Our house has been her only stability all her life whilst both her parents tear each other apart and use her as a pawn to serve their egos. It’s a hideous situation, I am desperate, I cannot take this anymore. Sorry for long post and rant

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Amelia,

      I am so sorry you daughter, grandchildren, family and yourselves have been going through such a terrible time.

      Amelia, please know we can’t help people to change (as you have directly experienced), and some people may never, and when our state of emotional health is dependent on that – then we suffer horribly.

      This is what we all – to varying degrees – experienced through narcissistic abuse … is our worlds and hearts being torn to shreds.

      Leaving us with NO option – if we wanted to emotional survive and have healthy lives (as well at times literally physically keep living) other than to FIND a way to release ourselves from the traumas we are feeling in our Inner Beings – the trauma that was eating us alive.

      Like tha trauma you are struggling to survive right now.

      I promise you NARP – my program – creates relief from that trauma and has for thousands of people within the most “unforgivable” and “unforgettable” and even “still highly impactful” traumas.

      There are some grandparents within the Community working NARP for exactly the type of horrific situations that you are going through.

      We have no power to create other people’s healings, but we do have the power to create our own healing – and from that place we are actually at our most effective within what we are dealing with.

      Amelia when we have tried “everything” and we are at breaking point – NOT knowing what to do … that is when we have to look for something radically different.

      Something that is outside of the range of what we knew to be our solutions in the past – sheer willpower, love, wanting to help, being firm, being there … whatever it was …

      Just like myself 10 years ago, not knowing how I would continue living … I HAD to find ANOTHER way to try to survive the terror and the trauma, and thank God I did find it … not just to survive it but to live free of it altogether – even when my outside life was still a total disaster.

      And from that state of emotional relief and peace, everything in my outer life started to shift to follow.

      NARP is that radical solution, please do your research on it and what it achieves, because I promise it can be your way personally out of this emotional holocaust.

      Regardless of if “they change” and that is the personal liberation you need for YOUR life.

      We all do …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Mel xo

  • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
    Sonia
    August 20, 2016

    Been brought up by narcissists, my siblings turned out to be more of it, apparently you only get to be one in order to survive it or become a co-dependant, so I chose the latter. “Run away” at age 18 only to face a world full of them, from friends, co-workers, you name it, I seem to attract abuse (or feel attracted by narcissists). My latest relationship was the one I needed in order to hit rock bottom and start facing the ugly truth. Before leaving him I was like “better the devil you know… ” for I really thought this was as good as it gets for me, never knew any better. Now I am like on Eagle’s post “…my eviction is triggering all this suppresed anger…”, only I am airing it out loud in the comfort of my home while all by myself, and have not even neighbours any near. So much anger and sadness intermingled, what if we never get to live a life worth living just because we can’t adjust to what a healthy way of being is? What is the point in healing, I used to think while on psychotherapy, when I am going to have to deal with sicko’s anywhere I go? Be that intimate relationships, bosses, family, friends, co-workers, neighbours, they are all over the place!! most likely placed in high positions, in charge of other peoples life, so… I can very well try to be in charge of my life but only to the extent someone I depend on (be that a boss, father, partner in life, or President for that matter) lets me.
    We have to live every day with other people’s decisions affecting us in one way or another, regardless of how much responsible we feel for our life or not, we can only do so much.
    Thank you Melanie so much for your support, there is a lot of vital information here but I need someone to show me how a life without narcs is like.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2016

      Hi Sonia,

      there is one vital truth only.

      Our Life shapes and forms and how we show up is all to do with inner trauma or not – and how our belief systems are formed – or re-programmed (if originally faulty and built on trauma).

      I get it … I used to feel the same – TOTALLY.

      Until I healed and released my trauma and reprogrammed my beliefs – and now Life reflects back exactly the “proof” of that.

      Until then it was Narc Soup.

      Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 20, 2016

    Oh and just one other little bit ..

    The ego believes … “I need to see it to believe it ..”

    The spirit knows – when I believe and be-come it – THEN I will see it.

    Mel xo

    • sandy_stal@hotmail.com'
      Sandy
      August 20, 2016

      Love that!

  • anker3110@hotmail.com'
    Anke
    August 20, 2016

    Hi Mel, I have said it before and I will probably say it a few times more: thank you for your work! The Narp programme literally saved my life, which is now so much brighter and full of light.
    Humble request for an article or thriver tv😊: what happens when co-dependents grow/thrive/step out of their role.
    I personally have experienced the strangest and most unexpected “losses” (people that did not want to meet me on my new level of consciousness). It seemed as if the whole system of people that surrounded me changed, too.
    Thank you and a big hug!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2016

      Hi Anke,

      I am so, so happy that NARP has helped you so much!

      That’s a great topic Anke, and I will pop that onto my list of articles / ThriverTV possibilities.

      You are so welcome, and much love back to you!

      Mel xo

  • katie.davis73@outlook.com'
    Ginny
    August 20, 2016

    Hi Mel,
    Brilliant talk as always! Thank you for your powerful words and tools you provide.
    Could you please do a session on flying monkeys especially ex spouses and families who are aware/been subject to the abuse from a narcissist but still get sucked back in or defend them even though they have suffered greatly at the hands of the narcissist.
    Regards
    Ginny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2016

      Hi Ginny,

      Thank you and you are welcome.

      This is a great topic, and on that I am definitely considering.

      Mel xo

  • kbalmanno@yahoo.com.au'
    Kim
    August 20, 2016

    Hi Mel, I’ve been following you for some time now and just want to say to the community that something I found to be extremely helpful for me was/is Vipassana Meditation. I’ve just come back from a 10 day silent course in Qld and it was brilliant in the way of reconnecting to self, finding the answers in yourself and re-aligning mind and body. It is a brilliant healing mechanism for healing and recovery from abuse and it’s donation based and therefore accessible for everyone. I know your NARP program concentrates on feeling emotions in the body and so does this. I can’t recommend it enough. It also encourages not intellectualising but actually doing the work, which you do too, so there are parallels and this technique was developed by Buddha 2,500 years ago and taught in its original format. I know that you too came about your technique through self-inquiry/necessity and both have lead its practitioners to a higher consciousness. I just want to put it out there, as I’m so grateful to have participated and to have the support through your program and theirs. All the best to all members of your community to find inner peace – it’s a life long process but we are all capable of finding that peace and happiness we so seek. I know that I have just stepped onto the path and have a long, long way to go but know that the path is right and I can see the light.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2016

      Hi Kim,

      thank you for sharing this technique for people to check out!

      This is so wonderful that you are a fellow traveller walking this path of Light.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • dana_bellucci@yahoo.com'
    Bella Mya
    August 21, 2016

    Melanie, you are a life saviour for me!! Thank you so, so much!!

    I am very confused, I was and still am. I know him for 3 and a half years, met him online, met him in person only 7 times during this period. So, the abuse was mostly virtual, I think I’m losing my mind just thinking about how wounded I was that I accepted him to treat me so horrible. I think I am more damaged than any could imagine because our relation was so intense and yet inexistent, yet unconsummated and yet abusive beyond any limits of frustration and pain that anyone could believe …
    Pure evil.
    I was there for him, doing REAL things for him, spending REAL money on him and his childish stupid ideas of bussines and the thing is I was AWARE, I FELT IT, I felt it was wrong and I saw those thousands red flags … and that makes me so sad. I struggle with depression already, for a very long time and I am very concerned about my health and my sanity. He is just a regullar guy, mediocre I can say, nothing special about him except his narcissitic charisma ( but only via online, in real life I was just looking at him and thought: Oh, my… he is so… damn different and uncool and uncharming…!! no sparkles, no nothing…and still, in the very next moment, texting me …was again the very best love of my life, my supreme reason to love and vibrate like a real woman for the first time, I felt so, even that I met so sweet guys and very powerful and educated and good men and my personality is also charming and I get good connections with men, I am a confident woman, never been jealous before or unsecure or in doubts with my feminity or sexuality…
    I am 46 y.o. and he was younger but not this thing was the trigger for me ( I didn’t accept to talk to him in the beggining, knowing that he is so young). I am attracted to older men, mature and responsible. This younger N was exactly the opposite and I struggle myself for a long time to accept him as a potential lover.
    My story is very complicated ( aren’t they all? with the N personality… everything is complicated)…
    but bottom line is that we split up 3 weeks ago, we are in NC ( but it’s not my succes, it;s his, because he is “‘keeping “” me in NC and I have strong reasons to believe it will be forever, GOD HELP!!)…
    I am confused and in pain, I don;t want him anymore, he really destroyed me in these moments and I am so afraid of illness and because I live very isolated I thought I was going to lose my mind… I have panic attacks, very high anxiety, anorexia, lack of energy, depersonalisation and of course cognitive disonnance and I really am living in HELL. It is the hardest thing that I have ever donw in my life, going trough this extremly painful situation.

    Do you think that the fact it was mostly online, virtual ( but we were connected like we had the same brain, truely), not REAL it’s like a good thing or a bad one?

    I am very worried about this, I think he may infected my subconscious deeply in a very dangerous way … We had very poor real contact and it was like … I hated to spend real time with him…

    I am very, very sad. I don’t miss him, because I know there is NO HIM here, it was just ME all the time, I PUT ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL THINGS inside HIM, I put the love and the magic inside him, and it works only because he was EMPTY, a very large space there to put MY EVERYTHING!!
    I need comfort and I need myself to come home. I miss ME!!

    Thank you, Melanie!! Thank you all for being here and speaking about the ugliest monster EVER, the Narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2016

      Hi Bella,

      you are very welcome.

      Bella I would love to share with you this Thriver story – about Jess, because there are so many parallels with what you are describing.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/thriving-after-narcissistic-abuse-story-13-jessica/

      Bella it is really complicated until we discover what our original wounds are which are causing us to continue being hooked, and once those are addressed we simply aren’t.

      We heal, we get free emotionally, physically and in every way.

      Bella, please know that narcissistic abuse – no matter what form – causes exactly the symptoms and feelings you are describing – it is like a psychic vandalisation.

      Please really tap into and listen to Jessica’s Thriver Story …

      I know there are keys there that will really help you – also I’d love you to join in my next free Webinar Group for support http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and please consider the specific healing solution for the agony that you are going through which is the NARP Program.

      I promise Bella, there is a direct way up and out of all of this, its takes work absolutely … but there is a way.

      Mel xo

    • timoftahoe@gmail.com'
      Tahoephoto
      August 23, 2016

      My gosh Bella Mya,
      That statement about putting all the wonderful things inside the empty shell and real time being not fun as much as the communication online…I get that. This helps. Then Melanie gives the way for healing…this is so powerful for me. Thx for sharing. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Peace be to you, Timothy

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    August 23, 2016

    Hi Mel,

    So love your work and how wonderful it is – as always, thank you! keep meeting and spending time with the most wonderful people, and so deeply feel gratitude and joy about that!

    Question: really important… how about exploring further healthy helping and compassion, and how that is different from co-dependent enabling.

    Blessed be,

    Val

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2016

      Hi Valerie,

      You are very welcome!

      I am so thrilled you are having such a wonderful time with life and people.

      What a great topic, I will put it on the topic list 🙂

      Bless dear lady!

      Mel xo

  • m.sosenkova@gmail.com'
    Misha
    August 24, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    Do you have any insights for people who have children with Narcs? I understand (and prefer) that no contact with the Narc is the best option, however having children with such person makes it difficult. My ex seems to use all possible ways how to punish me for not doing what he wants – as not paying me on daughter and so on. I see a lot of improvements, the less I care. However it seems that there is the only way out – me giving up all expectations on him (acting as father or paying anything). What would you advise?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2016

      Hi Misha,

      rather than try to answer here (it’s a big topic), I would love to point you to the many resources I have created on this topic.

      Please google my name plus “children” and “co-parenting” and you will see the radio shows, articles and YouTube videos I have done in-depth on this topic.

      I hope this can help you.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Rose
    August 25, 2016

    What is now behind trying to help the narc while he is hurting me, is an attempt from a place of fear to be nice and helpful and kind, in order to get out…sorta like being in the cage with a lion, and backing up and saying ‘nice kitty’. I came very close to the mouth of the lion, I could smell his breath…sure, there has also been a driving need to try and rescue him, but I think I am more at the stage of just trying to get the heck out of there, very carefully. This is in part because he is a criminal and dangerous for reasons beyond our relationship. I want to be far away but on as good terms as possible with him, because he scares me. The criminality mixed with moments of beauty has been a highly addictive cocktail. Sadly, I ignored my fear for almost a year, but the deep pain it has caused, has also had me see the bigger picture, and to heal on a level I never thought possible.

  • m2ashahid@yahoo.com'
    M.S
    August 26, 2016

    What if the narcissist is your mother, and you cannot just stop helping her or providing support because if you do, your father and younger sister will have to go through hell too. So you’re actually doing it for the others. I don’t live there currently but I will move back soon in some months after my degree. (We live with our parents till we marry, its a culture thing). But point being I cant leave, I cant not help, I cant not be a part of it, because I have to keep peace in the house. Also both me and my sister are financially dependent on them, even though we are 24 and 27. They’ve provided for us with “love”. And leaving isn’t an option. not just for financial reason, but cultural and social reasons.

  • kjake1522@gmail.com'
    Katie Jakens
    September 18, 2016

    Oh, my dear…did this ever hit home. Helping him until it almost destroyed me.
    My narcissist was, as you’ve so intelligently stated, just as wounded as I was as a child. I kept going back to help him, and when he was done he would discard me in the worst way. This happened over and over until I ended up getting hurt physically which led to him being arrested. The bigger issue here is that he was a police officer.

    I thank God for all the information you’ve given us because I don’t think I would still be here if it weren’t for the ability to understand my behavior is normal for what I’ve gone through….especially when it comes to the mask slipping and what became an even bigger problem after he was arrested.

    For hours before he became violent his mask did slip…he told me things about his childhood and how he really feels about life and people that made me cry….for those few hours i saw the man I feel he really was on the inside…a rare glimpse of what should have been. It was so powerful that after he was arrested I felt so guilty that I knew i wouldn’t ever testify against him.

    I see it so clearly at times….how I’m conditioned to only see one side of his behavior…the good things. I told myself …”This is not an abuser! An abuser doesn’t have two sweet little dogs, and an abuser doesn’t give fresh veggies to the bunnies in his yard!” All the while I was refusing to remember that the same sweet man who loved to feed fresh veggies to the bunnies in his yard would run across the yard with a rake, screaming like an absolute maniac if he saw a cat trying to kill one of those bunnies. Yes…I think it’s horrible to see anything killed…but it’s nature…his actions completely contradicted themselves….one minute so sweet and smiling as he remarked about how he loved spring because it would always bring the little cottontails hopping around his home…the next minute he was consumed with an indescribable level of rage that could be seen in his eyes, and heard in his voice as he chased the cats with the rake…

    I was so ashamed that I felt I had to be the one to set him free. I looked crazy to my family and friends….they just didn’t understand. I could not remember how many times he abused me and how cruel he was. All I could do was remember when his mask slipped. It was impossible for me to recall things he did such as telling me I was taking too many drags off of my cigarette…he would watch me to make sure I didn’t have the cigarette to my lips too soon. Or when he would count the number of potato chips I ate…or telling me I could only have one soft drink a day…

    It almost killed me when I realized he didn’t have to be responsible for his actions, and that I was so caught between fearing his wrath and feeling sorry for him that at times I really did want to help him. I’m still ashamed that I couldn’t, or more to the point…wouldn’t see the truth.

    Thank you from my heart….I still go back and forth at times, but now when I do I instantly tell myself to watch one of your videos.

    Bless your heart…

  • dahliadance@hotmail.com'
    Dana Sanders
    September 29, 2016

    Melanie~
    I have just discovered you and watching your videos over the last three weeks after having finally left my emotionally-abusive narcissist is saving my sanity and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Truly. Every single video feels like you’re talking straight to ME. You know this. So first, THANK YOU, with all my heart for being a savior to so many of us out here.

    Please advise: My ex is very much an “Altruistic Narc.” He suffered horrible physical and “all the above” abuse throughout childhood. He is authentically in search of finding true healing as traditional therapy has gotten him nowhere. Although I have physically left him, I broke “no contact” today and did tell him in text message that I am finding tremendous guidance and healing through your videos and soon NARC course to inspire him to do the same. I know… I am still trying to save him and I know I can’t – he has to save himself. But the truth is that he WANTS to. Desperately. I believe that right now is the perfect time for him to finally get healing. Not from ME, but I am hopeful that you can point me in the right direction. Would the “Transforming Family of Origin Wounds” Course be appropriate for him? Is there an appropriate resource using Quanta Healing for narcissists who want to heal? (And, I want to assure you — your wisdom has not fallen on deaf ears or heart. I am NOT going back to this man. I’ve left him at least a dozen times before. But this time is COMPLETELY different. I’ve shifted. I’m ready to move on and do the work to transform MYSELF. I no longer want to be with him. I do, however, want to offer him what miracles I’ve found through this program, if there is, in fact, something suitable you can recommend.)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 29, 2016

      Hi Dana,

      I am so pleased my resources are speaking to you.

      The truth is Dana, and many of us have been through it – N’s will say they want help and ask us to help at times – maybe sincerely at those times of genuine narcissistic injury (w which is fleeting) – but generally the appeals and listening to our prescriptions for them are only to retain attention (N supply).

      The only way you can heal is to take full attention off his healing and put it fully onto your own.

      There is a distinct truth with any person who wants to and will heal – they will find their own way and resources.

      As children they were powerless to, as adults that need to take responsibility and are not.And of their healing is to be real – it has to be instigated and committed to by themselves.

      Any person advising an abuser, should not be intimate partner and / or someone they have previously abused.

      In as far as my programs going – anyone healing from abuse NARP is always the starting point.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Dahliadance@hotmail.com'
        Dana
        September 30, 2016

        Melanie, thank you. And I hear you. It makes sense – that he has to own his own healing. Of course I’ve tried countless times and ways of helping before and ended up in the exact same place: deeply emotionally abused. Fortunately, nothing worse.

        I’ve sent him your “About Quanta Healing” article and told him that if this sounds like something he’s interested in trying that I’d point him in the right direction. I’ll just send him to your website and wash my hands of it.

  • ymandanici@gmail.com'
    Yvonne
    October 24, 2016

    The reason we dont start opening these doors with narcissistics ( trying to tell them about this site) is that wether they reject quanta healing or tell you that they are doing it , at some level if you are opening the door for communication with the narc- you are opening the door for communication and expectation.
    The Narc cannot accept responsibility or blame . Part of this program is accepting our role in attracting the narcissist.
    I wouldn’t want to piont my narcissistic to this site, so he more ammunition to pretend to change , or so he can hurt me more .
    This should be a sacred space, for us who want to heal. If the Narc felt bad and decided to do a brief search on their behavior, they could find this site on their own.
    The truth is , when you are still trying to heal or help your narcissistic heal, then you are still giving them the energy that they turn intk narcissitic supply.

    Its still trying to rescue them , and feeling sorry for their childhood abuse , and having hope that the abuser can change on a cellular level, so they might stop being abusive.
    It will never ever happen. These guys/women think of us as weak idiots that they can use and manipulate. Why would all of a sudden they take our advice and care what we have to say ?
    Literally, these guys look at us like we are doormats and pathetic, they can abuse us, call us every name in the book , and at the end we are still trying to “heal” them.
    I will never let my narc see me as the dumb, niave weak woman that he treats me like I am by even giving him the chance to reject my help or not .

  • nvedros@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    December 14, 2016

    This is fantastic. My sister is a narcissist. My mom has (and still does when she can) always enabled her in every way possible because she’s scared of not being able to see her grandkids, something my sister threatens us with often. While I can handle that and told her to be sure she never calls me again (of which she quickly apologized for & has yet to do again until recently), my mom can’t handle that. I recently tried to help my sister get on her feet as well. She’d convinced me she was changed and ready for something different. Turns out I just enabled her too & fought it for a year. I’ve been trying to work on extracting her from my life while keeping a healthy relationship with my niece and nephew (13 & 7). I’m not quite sure how to do that or if I should just be resigned to the fact that they may not be in my life either until they are much older. Apparently, I can still see them “if you don’t mess that up too”. Working on realizing I am not completely to blame, that I’m a terrible person, or that things would’ve worked out if only I had done xyz differently has been a process on its own.

  • Galeflower@aol.com'
    Gale
    March 26, 2017

    Actually, Mother Theresa’s private letters, which she did not want published, reveal that when she began working in Calcutta she felt a constant and long term disconnection from God and lived in painful and secret despair. I do not think all parts of her consciousness and unconsciousness were actually as in alignment as you say. She suffered from this long term disconnection from God for the rest of her life. Her letters are published and available to the public. It helped me to learn that there are no TRUE martyrs. We are all human.

    I am deeply appreciative for your blog and this information. I have been a rescuer in my life and recently realized I have a very close friend who is a narcissist whom I finally detached from because she was incapable of ever being wrong. I did not realize that someone who can never admit mistakes or faults is actually a narcissist. For years I felt confused and angry over our debates and could not understand what was going on. Now I get it. As an adult child, I used other ways to compensate for my wounded inner child, usually saving or fixing and this caused me a lot of pain. Now I get it. I belong to ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families and attend face to face as well as telephone meetings. It is a life saving resource for recovery from growing up in dysfunction. We can learn to take care of ourselves….Thank you

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