Happy 2021 dear Thrivers!
As we leave 2020 behind us I want to welcome this brand New Year with a powerful intention to make it narcissist free.
I also want to take the time today to show you that when you have boundaries and when you start to know that it takes time to get to know somebody’s character and you do the due diligence – you will not be their target. And any attempts to bait you will … fail.
You will look beyond the charm, you will not light up with their attentions, you will not fall for their false promises and you will not trust them easily. No, instead you will sit back and take your time to make your solid decisions about this person.
I’m all about showing YOU how to be an empowered, calm, centred YOU who has no reason to fear a narcissist entering your life.
Please watch this last Thriver TV episode of 2020 to start the New Year off well prepared to be narcissist free.
Video Transcript
Hi Thrivers. I am so excited about New Year’s Eve and I hope you are, too. I really want to set a powerful intention with you because that’s what it’s about, isn’t it? That’s what New Year’s is.
This is it. This is a powerful intention for this New Year’s Eve to be narcissist free. I think that’s the best intention we can do in this community.
So, are you narcissistic bait? Are you? Do you feel like you’re always attracting narcissists? Do you feel like they’re everywhere? If so, I’m going to explain why you’re going through this and how to stop it happening for real. And that’s the key thing. Because you know, with all of my work, it’s not just about information. I teach you how to heal for real as well.
Now I want to ask you a question. Do you think narcissists can target anybody? Do you? A lot of people do think that. You’re going to find out the answer to this question in a moment because I’m going to really get into this.
Who Narcissists Target
It’s about who narcissists target, who do they want?
They want people they can get stuff from. So this is the thing, we all know with our homes and our bank accounts and like the important things in our life, we know that we have boundaries to those. We don’t just let anybody in.
But with narcissists, they are looking for people with poor boundaries. People who they can easily win their trust. So this is nice people. And I know you’re nice people because it’s only nice people who get with narcissists and who get taken by narcissists.
Narcissists are after people they can charm. And this is what narcissists do. They get with people. They’ll mimic their body language. They’ll work out what that person wants, what they need. And they’ll pretend to be the deliverer of it in spades. And they see, do you light up? Do you fall in? Do you start trusting them easily? Or do you sit back and take your time?
They’re looking for people who very quickly start to trust them. And this isn’t everybody. Because I promise you, when you have boundaries, and when you start to know that it takes time to get to know somebody’s character. It takes time to do the due diligence.
If something feels uneasy, you sit back, you ask questions, you take your time. And it’s actually not even mature or responsible for us to just go, “Oh, my God. I mean, I know I used to do it.” Narcissists are good at getting people to do it. But when we heal up and Thrive and we understand boundaries, limits, and taking our time, we don’t do this.
The Unconscious Parts Of You – Making You A Target
You’ve got to understand the unconscious parts of you can make you a target, and there are several things – I write about them in my book, which is You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse.
My book explains the nine susceptibilities that can make us a target, and I’m going to go through a few of them here.
What it is, first of all – is do you fear narcissists? If we fear a narcissist, it means that there are already existing traumas. We feel like we don’t have boundaries in our own power and our own “know”. So maybe that means that you’re trying to learn everything that you can about narcissists by researching them, what to look out for, how you can get the sign and the signal that this is a person who might be a narcissist.
I want you to look at this logically, no narcissist walks into your life with a big screaming sign saying, “Hello, I’m a narcissist.”
They don’t. They actually present as really cordial, nice, charming people. So you fearing narcissists and trying to look out for them, this is not about you working out a narcissist. This is about you working yourself out, knowing that you are going to take your time.
If we have unhealed parts, which means that we can feel empty and lonely on the inside, or we feel that we’re not heard and we’re not met – then it’s very, very easy for somebody to come into our life and work that out very quickly, which a narcissist does.
And that unconscious part of yourself, that’s feeling needy or empty or lonely … or, for my business, I need somebody confident or I would like to have an exciting, happy friend in my life, or I want a boss that could believe in me – they’ll work that out. And they’ll become that person.
That part of you that is feeling empty, lonely, needy or not good enough can go, “Oh, fantastic. This is what this person is offering me.” And they’ll gauge it. They’ll see.
If you feel like you can only be loved for your accomplishments or you need approval or you’re looking for somebody to give you some excitement or some contacts or some confidence – you’re going to feel really attracted to this person. And that’s that feeling of, “Oh, my God. Where have you been all my life? You’re exactly the person I’m looking for.”
That is actually a sign. If you start feeling that chemical attraction that you need to back off, take your time and give it time.
If you are relating to these things, if you can honestly identify with this, that the narcissist, when they came into your life, you felt really excited and you felt really attracted and you felt like, oh my God, this is going to… Whatever this is, it really hit your on button, your green light button. I want you to let me know in the comments below, because this happened to so many of us.
How Never To Be Narcissistic Bait Again
So how never to be narcissistic bait again. How do we do this?
I’ve already touched on it, but let me go into it into a much deeper level and quite a revolutionary level, because what I’m about to tell might make you think, “Oh my God, I never thought about it like that.”
Because I know a lot of you will say things like, “But I’m still attracting them. They still turn up in my life. I must have unhealed parts.”
Your goal is not to eliminate narcissists, and for them to never show up in your life. It’s for you to be around them and you fully in life. Whether they show up or not, this is about you showing up differently.
So it’s like ladders. I love the expression – “If you’re no longer fearful of ladders, they’re going to shift from your path.”
When you get empowered in your body, healed enough to be different. You won’t care less whether or not a narcissist comes into your path because you know that you can navigate them and you can be narcissistic proof because you’re no longer narcissist bait.
Also too, as a Thriver, when we’re conscious and we’re growing and we’re awake, even when we’re not perfectly healed – in fact, we’re never perfectly healed – but we know that life is supplying us everything that we need to evolve.
And when you become conscious and awake and you’re healing, and you’re really wanting to Thrive, which means up-levelling, who you were to become, who you’re meant to be, who we can be – we know that life is supplying us everything that we need to evolve.
I’m going to give you a couple of examples. When I was dating as a Thriver, I love this. And I’ve shared this before. There was a guy that I met and I was out there dating and I was taking my time, which was wonderful. And he had it all going on. He was attractive. He was successful. He was funny. He was into me. And then he kind of dropped his guard a little when he was talking about people that he worked with. And he was really disparaging. He was quite nasty, judgemental. And I was like, “Ooh.”
Anyway, I went to the bathroom and I came back and he said, “Well, how do you think our third date is going?” And I said, “Well, actually I’ve noticed that you’re really judgmental about the people at your work. And that’s kind of not one of my values.” Or I said, something like that.
Anyway, his whole face dropped, everything shifted and he exploded into a narcissistic rage, literally. “How dare you say that about me?” I just kind of sat back and watched this whole thing pop.
And it was beautiful. It was amazing because I had spoken my truth. He had a narcissistic rage and the whole thing was exposed. And he was like, “Well, the date’s over.” And I walked to my car, I was so excited, I was punching the air and I was so happy because look what’s happened.
The old me would never have said that. I would have had that yucky feeling inside. And then I would have just gone “Oh, look, no, everybody can say things like that and there’s all these other wonderful things about him.”
When you have an inner cue go off and you don’t listen and you don’t back it up and back yourself, we pay a horrible price. We know that.
The beautiful thing is when you come awake and you’re graduating, you want a narcissist to come into your path so you can show up differently. So you can honour your inner voice. You can speak up. And you can walk away, but not with that old victim whiny thing that we used to do, “Oh, there’s no good men out there. They’re all narcissists. Oh, there’s another one. I must still be a narc magnet.”
No. It’s like, look how empowered I am and how much I’ve grown that I can show up and honour my inner being and speak up. I am past the fears of CRAP – criticism, rejection, abandonment, or punishment – for being myself.
And also, I can celebrate that I now have said no to a narcissist. I’ve walked away, which means that all of the field is going to honour me by saying graduation, tick. Now let’s give you another level because you have just stated, walked, and become, you BE it, it COMES. You’ve BECOME – a narcissist isn’t good enough for me. I honour myself over a narcissist – life will honour you back.
So this is about being willing to be an adult in your body with boundaries. We have such a perfect, beautiful Inner Being that always gives us a signal, the awareness, the truth. And how often have we disconnected? We haven’t listened and we’ve paid a price. This is your development. You want narcissists to come along.
I remember one of the Thrivers in this community, when I went on a cruise, she said to me, “Were there all these narcissists on the cruise?” And I’m like, “I don’t even know. I certainly don’t know.” Because I’m just being myself. I’m not standing at a bar having a drink going, “Oh, I can’t speak to this person because that could be a narcissist.”
I trust myself not to fall in with people and get sucked in and charmed and all ridiculous because I’m feeling needy and empty and lonely. I take my time now. I never used to. I used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than connecting with people. Now that’s changed.
So I really want you – and this whole narcissistic bait thing – to get out of all of those thoughts and feelings of, “Oh no, I’m still attracting them. It’s horrible. There’s something wrong with me.”
Be a Thriver. Get powerful and work on your development. And you’re going to love coming across them because they can’t mess with you any more.
Really you have to be willing to lose it all to get it all with this guy, right? Let go of the old needy me, “I don’t want to blow this chance of being with this guy.” Being willing to lose at all means I’m going to authentically back and be myself.
I couldn’t give a crap what I lose. Because what I lose was never a match for my True Self anyway. Because when you lose what is not your True Self, you will get it all. The universe goes, “You’ve graduated. You’ve got it. I’m always going to give you more of you.” That’s what the universe always gives us.
What I want you to do is to set a really powerful intention. It’s New Year’s Eve. We’re going to walk into 2021, losing it all to get it all. Which means creating our truth.
I want you to pause this video and I want you to write below. “If I live aligned with my values and truth, then all that has the capacity follows …” And you can check it out in my blog to get it right. I’m going to say it again. “If I live aligned with my values and truth, then all that has the capacity follows …”
It’s powerful.
Conclusion
I understand, I really understand the fear of narcissists. Of course, why wouldn’t you fear them? They ripped your life to shreds. And I used to fear them terribly, too. We can have all sorts of fears of the disgustingness of humanity and the cruelty and the horrible stuff that exists.
Before my Thriver healing, even before the narcissist actually, I was really terrified of bad people and untrustworthy, cruel and even evil people. I know that you may have suffered all of this as well. I know that you may have been really wounded and I know it’s not easy at first to give up the fear and the defences because we think, “Well, if I look out and I protect myself, it’ll keep me safe.” It actually doesn’t.
You have to get out of the bunker and be an authentic shining, powerful light. That’s what keeps you safe. Source flowing through you as you – that’s your safety.
This is why it is so important for us to go through the step-by-step inner processes, to cleanse ourselves, to release these wounds, to bring in our True Self, who isn’t fearful, who’s backed by all of Source and Creation, who knows how to be centred and solid and strong enough to be whole and powerful in the face of false selves.
The interesting thing about false selves is that they’re parasites. They can only feed off your wounds and your gaps. When you’re powerful, they collapse. They have no power against you.
And I promise you; I needed to deeply do that inner work. Because of the terror and the fear of standing up for myself and honouring myself. My old programs were absolutely about trying to put my trust in people. And a lot of them were untrustworthy people or I was simply hiding out and being a hermit and not wanting to be in life because of the fear of being a target of evil and bad people.
This is why I want to show you how liberating, empowering, and freeing it is to be able to be in life without fearing narcissists. I want that to fit every body. And that’s why I’m so passionate about showing you how to achieve it from the inside out, which most people aren’t showing you how to do that. They’re just trying to tell you to fear narcissist and look out for them and it doesn’t work.
I would love to help you understand this and make 2021 the year for you, where you anchor into your power. And the ways I can help you do that is by introducing you, connecting you up to my 16-day free course, it’s full of empowering free gifts for you.
Or if you are ready to dive right in and become an authentic self who repels all narcissist, then check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), because this is the gold standard in this community of how myself and thousands of others now have zero fear of narcissists. We don’t have any of the remaining trauma symptoms, and we live our life where people like that don’t have power over us anymore.
I really hope today has helped you get clarity and granted you the way to heal for real from this. So, please remember share this with people who may need this. And people that want to heal their fear of narcissists, I hope it’s helped you.
Happy New Year. And I, so look forward to your comments and your questions below.
Have a beautiful, safe, prosperous, loving, and fun narcissistic free New Year.
Truth be told I most certainly was charmed into the life of a narcissist. I wasn’t used to nice guys because of my childhood trauma. I can’t begin to tell you how nice it is being narc free in 2021. Happy New Year. This is my year to heal. Narp is the best gift I gave to myself.
Liv hun,
I am so happy to hear this!
Happy New Year lovely lady
Mel 🙏💕💚
Beautifully put Iris. You clearly have insight to the pain AND the recovery. I shall take your words of wisdom into the new year.Thank you.
Happy New Year!!
Iris SO is!
A true spiritual angel!
Mel 🙏💕💚
HI marvelous Melanie,
Thank you so much for caring for all us wounded narc magnets. I have just recently walked away from a potential relationship with someone I absolutely adored, but who also invoked a number of red flags. When he had another lady at his place for the weekend in the time frame we ourselves were about to meet after 3mths of phonecalls, – I let go. Quickly I regained my sense of self and joined your course to help maintain my new found boundaries and hopefully thrive from there.
Its early days, but with such a beautiful teacher like you, I KNOW I’m in good hands. When I learn how to use PayPal, I would like to donate some money if that is alright with you. I am just so very grateful to you and all that you do.
Happy New Year to you too Mel,
Emily
Hi Emily,
you are very welcome and I’m so pleased that I can help.
You should be so proud of yourself for letting go. I’m thrilled for you that you are healing with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Thank you for your beautiful words. Please know we are always grateful for donations to be able to sponsor those onto NARP who can’t pay for my healing program, even though your healing and contributing to a Thriving New World is enough!
Happy New Year to you as well sweetheart.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
“If I live aligned with my values and truth, then all that has the capacity follows.” I DO feel a bright light in me that I can sometimes say, wants to burst out of me! Happy New Year!
Thank you for your love and concern. Your heart is to see victims truly healed. You are helping me and my husband so much.
Hi Melanie 👋
Thank you! Yes yes yes. Let’s live free from all judgment and self doubt. No reactions to jugement from within or from others.
I find this is easiest if we’re instead filled with a good eye…. and eye that sees the good especially IN OURSELVES. That way our validation comes first and our sense of self worth will disallow put downs. Heck, it will accept only loving acceptance and support and detect when it is not forthcoming.
Expecting fabulous NEW worlds to be discovered in 21, we won’t make excuses and rationalize away our true desires but keep loving our freedom from dishonesty and self deception.
Full steam? Ahead!
Hi Melanie,
I have tried to stand up and speak my truth without collapsing and having fears present in my own body however without the inner shift work it has been really hard. I have been through narcissistic abuse and have had a history of victim repeat patterns in my life along with childhood trauma with an ACE score of 8. It’s been hard to change thinking okay I see this pattern or fear and I want to overcome it and then try and change my behaviour or response to an outer situation be it speaking my truth and I seem to struggle expressing myself. I have been in as you said battling out through my mind my whole life looking to the outside and trying to combat life that way but it’s always a struggle. Even though my abuse experience happened more than 18 years ago as I as only in my early 20’s it’s left it’s scars and I know I must heal it to access real power which is as what said in your video.
Oh, yes, it’s like I’ve been watching the Narcissist News Channel every day. I was genetically endowed by, as well as raised by, “narcissistic abusers”, also known by other. more psychiatric terms. Therefore, the “love collision” with NAs through the years became that fine madness of “falling in love” — once my sanity of youth had, I suppose, worn out. I later realized I was naturally drawing out the NA in everybody I became involved with , (as well as from inside myself). Relationships ended or tapered off as I gradually realized the insane parts in the mix, and saw I could not change it except by leaving, with active ceremony or passive death, even as some continued to hunt me down, and I them, reliving the collisions. The resistant “mind pattern” that my primal sanity became molded into (against the NA existential paradigm being lived out) is vast in its history, and it looks to me like, as significant as my progress can feel to me, I am also barely beginning to raise my head above the surface, as I trippingly wade out of it. Now that I see the NA (including the N-self-Abuser) in myself and others, I can also see some of the non-NAs that I meet even tentatively, whereas before I had not de-gaslighted enough to discern them. For me, outer learning has needfully complemented inner self-healing, maybe partly thanks to these, my fertile pedigree, and to the particular “it’s only business” values infusing my habitat’s fauna and flora (palm trees that curiously always trigger me, and even those star-studded sidewalks). Well, friends, it is feeling substantial to exit the old year on a step-up of robust self-divulgence — whilst continuing to physically release the astral layers of the past year. From the new streams of life I feel down to my soul’s body, I heartily clink a clean, empty glass to each weave of our sharings together. And while continuing to thank Melanie for her many roles in all of it. Happy New Year; Sane-ing New Year. No Matter What.
Michman- I love how you eloquently and poetically express in rhythmic wording the ghastly things that I so well relate to having experienced them (or similar to them) myself. May you continue to align with your true self and values and to learn, as I am beginning to learn that what feels like loss is actually the greatest of blessings and a divine expansion of happy consciousness. Into 2021 and beyond.
I was sliding my gaze out of a broody revisit of my own entry and had contemplated some specifics about Clare’s above it, deciding to let Melanie meet it fresh, then unexpectedly slide over yours, and I stopped to refocus. Thank you, Amy, for your immediate kindness and the careful stroke of recognition, the feel of intent to ween forth more faith. Re-reading, it looks directly engendered by a special quality and expansion of the happy consciousness it sounds you have conscientiously raised up from an artfully finessed chrysalis — if I can divine it. Can I hazard to reciprocate with my current slant of perspective on the subject of alignment to true self — although alignment can say it all. Maybe alas realizing I (of course inadvertently) need to de-sacrifice it, give it back its place, although at times seeing it, itself, to have always been gratefully true — even in enthrallment. It has helped to gradually believe that all of my explored self “versions”, I have actually entertained out of/in self love, all the while silently humoring my tenacious disavowals. What a gamester. Thank you for the chance to share this, hoping you, too, will humor my presumption to perchance reflect at least a little of the transparent light all the way.
Jolted to alertness when reading your reflection “I used to put more thought into buying a pair of shoes than connecting with people.”, I immediately had the urge to say thankyou! Thankyou for presenting such a clear picture of my behaviour also! Change in me occurring as I write this, Thankyou!
Hi Bill,
that’s great this resonates with you and helps!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie. I’ve just discovered you and everything you say is true. You have thrown me your rope so I can come out of my well. Have joined NARP. Thank you and happy new year to you and all my new healing friends I’m looking forward to meeting in 2021
Hi Melanie,
I’m thrilled that you are now a member of our beautiful NARP community!
So much love to you from myself and the MTE team
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for your work – it helped me so much and I am still on track 😉
Wish you a Happy New Year and all the best for 2021!! With love 😊🎆💚
Hi Claudia,
its my pleasure and I’m so pleased I can help!
Much love and blessings for 2021 and beyond
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so very much Melanie for teaching me how to revalue myself. I wish you good health and all the happiness for you deserve it.
Hi Janny,
its my pleasure Dear Lady.
Thank you for your lovely blessings and I’m sending mine to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
HI Mel
Thank you for this video. Just yesterday I was trying to explain this to a friend who has encountered toxic/narcissistic men. She feels she is to old and damaged, and is not interested in a relationship but is very interested in what I have done as she told me yesterday I am much calmer with the courses i have done.
Once again thank you the more I listen the more I understand.
Happy new year love Jenny
Hi Jenny,
You are very welcome.
That’s beautiful that you are sharing your inspiration and healing to others.
I’m so pleased that you are embodying this information.
Happy New Year and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
In the horrible wake of her false self, I look back now on the love bomb that hooked me into the exhausting relationship. The cracks were ever present, and they did not align with my values. Never again will I lack the boundaries of getting to know someone’s true self, because my true self depends on it. I have empathy for the unsuspecting soul who became her new supply in the exact same way
That’s so great Mark that you are going to back your True Self!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks for this Melanie, I’m still learning new things about myself.
I’m feeling happier but it’s from a very safe place.
I have become like a hermit and I am avoiding being in life because it’s very scary.
This will change but I will do it very gradually.
Looking forward very much to 2021 and what it might bring.
Happy New Year xxx
Hi Sharron,
you are very welcome! I love that you are looking after and healing you.
When you have mended your wings there will be plenty of time for you to soar!
Happy New Year and much love!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you So much Melanie, what an Amazing year of Growth and healing on my journey of life, it’s like looking back on someone else’s life now and am Experiencing such Peace and feeling so loved by family and new friends and being Blessed from every angle possible, am so contented and happy, have an Amazing New year Blessings Col
Hi Col,
its my pleasure.
I love reading about where you are at.
Love and blessings to you for 2021 and beyond!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I live aligned with my values and truth, then all that has the capacities follow….
And it does Alexis!
Mel 🙏💕💚
There really are no words to describe how much you have all helped me .
I was in such a dark hole , I felt I had only two options , stay and suffer and slowly become an avatar of who I really was or wish my life away .
I honestly thought they were my only options , I couldn’t understand because I’d gotten in too deep . My mind was completely warped by someone I loved so much , all along I felt there was something wrong with me , dreaming I could be prettier , more intelligent, a little richer etc etc the list goes on , just then maybe he would love me like I loved him .
But all along I was pretty , I was intelligent, the kindness and love I had inside me made me so rich !!
I walked away ! I’ve a lot of inner healing to do but the dragons inside my tummy are gone !
Melanie you saved my life .
I learned that to get over something you must educate yourself first to understand what your getting over !!! And this blog did just that .
I said to myself recently … I wish I never met him .
But then I thought … well that’s like someone being told they have a serious Illness and you must get treatment for 6 months … what if you erased the doctor giving you the bad news , well then you wouldn’t know what your getting treatment for would u ! So I’m order to heal and learn you must remind yourself of what your moving away from and watch yourself get better .
Thanks to all the team and all you lovely ladies and gents who left comments , just reading them made me feel so normal and move from a very lonely place .
I’ll keep you all in my prayers each night , I promise you if I can do it anyone can .
Happy new year ♥️
Hi Katie,
this is incredibly beautiful that you chose acceptance and inner growth.
Thank you for your gratitude, but please know that you chose to apply what I and others have shared here. You are a shining inspiration to yourself and others.
So much love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This. Was. Brilliant.
Narcissists come and narcissists go. How we handle them and handle ourselves is what really counts. We handle them according to just how healed and whole we are. We handle ourselves according to how much we trust and love ourselves. So within, so without. Slow down, trust your guts, enjoy what life throws at you, and know it’s ALL for your inner growth. Happy 2021 and CHEERS to us Thrivers and all those on the path of healing and Self-love.
Thanks for being you, Mel!
Hi Susan,
that’s awesome that this resonated with you.
Your words are so powerful and wise, thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your beautiful blessings to everyone
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melania
As always great advice and learning tools for us if we are in a RELATIONSHIP with a narc, there are differences for those that are just neighbours with one though, we are just going about our business when the narc will appear and be abusive, try and destruct your property, try and frighten you all for kicks, they don’t need your input at all to be enjoying themselves at your expense. How do neighbours become a non narc target, empower ourselves and wipe out all possibilities of a shocking and often unsafe encounter when they appear? I have never even had a conversation with my neighbour he doesn’t need my input. Thanks as always in advance, for your knowledge about surviving around sub humans. LIDZ
Hi LIDZ,
I’m glad that this has helped. You can also google my name plus “narcissistic neighbour” for more information that can help you.
Many blessings and much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, that video was brilliant, one of your best! Thanks for all the encouragement and for helping us to move forward. Hope we all make progress along this long, arduous journey.
It’s tough. At 63 finally getting it, understanding how things were and why. Not easy to digest, rather painful, but embracing your ideas will improve the situation. Best wishes to everyone for a wonderful year ahead.
Hi Pam,
thank you and I’m thrilled that you enjoyed it!
Please know there are beautiful NARP members in their 70’s and 80’s who have shed trauma and embraced their best and most happiest lives.
Have you thought about NARP or looked into it?
It really does take healing to another level.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you blessings and incredible healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Phishing for information? Just make stuff up.