Melanie Tonia Evans

How I Evolved My Relationships With Family And Friends

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 15
118
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I remember a time, several years after I had cleared an immense amount of trauma from my past relationships, being in a place where I felt like I had truly made it.

I was no longer carrying any shame or guilt for the mistakes I’d made in the past.

I had established a deep-abiding love for myself and I was truly feeling happy in my own skin.

It was amazing!

There was just one thing missing, now that I’d opened up to the incredible possibilities of what the Thriver’s life could hold … I had this sinking feeling that I would have to do it all alone!

Because, when I took stock of the people in my life, I realised how much unconsciousness and trauma other people were carrying that made them, at times, seem quite ‘narcissistic’.

I really didn’t want to accept living my life alone and away from people in order to keep myself safe from being betrayed or hurt again.

So I knew I had to evolve myself further, I had to find and apply ‘more’ in regard to loving self-honesty and turning inwards to start generating relationships that were a step up from the level of sincerity and connection that I have ever had before.

This journey is so important because when you show up at a higher level of authenticity, you give people the opportunity to meet you at that level and see them rise to their true potential also.

The joy I’ve felt from evolving these relationships has been truly remarkable, and I know it wouldn’t have been possible had I not committed to making these shifts.

I hope with all my heart this episode of the Thriver’s Life will help you achieve the same.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

This topic today is a really important one because so many of you report this: after being narcissistically abused, that you start to doubt many of your important relationships. You may see really bad behaviour, such as dismissive or unavailable behaviour, and really struggle to know who you can trust. Maybe you start to realise things about your family of origin and friends that really scare you, and you start to feel like there are abusive and unconscious people everywhere.

Okay, I’d like you to pause this video, if this is you and share how you have either gone through this – or are going through this right now. Scroll down and write your comment about this!

I so get this, because I went through this drastically myself. And I want you to know with all of my heart that this is really common. As always, in these The Thriver’s Life episodes, I want to talk to all of you, those who haven’t done the NARP work yet and those of you who have and are ready for the next level – which in this case is about up-levelling and healing your important and existing relationships.

Okay, the truth is when we are coming out of narcissistic abuse, the most important relationship we can start to turn towards and heal is the one with ourselves. And the reason for this is because being susceptible to being narcissistically abused means we have struggled with our boundaries, self-partnering, and being able to self-soothe and support ourselves in times of emotional distress, in order to have the capacity to pull away from abusive others and look after ourselves and the generation of our own lives.

These things are vital in regard to healthy relationship building, and they are vital to repair within ourselves first.  This was so my trip – 100%.  Before and during narcissistic abuse, I was not whole and solid inside. For all of us, we may have been incredibly accomplished and even capable, and be really good people with high integrity. Yet (if we are honest with ourselves) we were not good at our own healthy self-talk, being able to control our emotional impulses, and we didn’t feel safe, whole and solid inside, regarding being the commodities of love, approval, security and survival, regardless of what someone else was or wasn’t doing. We had made these things depend on other people, or we felt really alone and empty when we’re trying to do life by ourselves.

The truth was our Inner Identities had not as yet healed or grown up to be mature, emotionally whole, self-generative adults. We were still operating from the unhealed wounds from our childhood, that rendered us at times needy, powerless and assigning power to other adults, unconsciously wanting them to do a better job of helping us feel whole and safe than what our parents had.

Additionally, another fracture to our essential foundational inner relationship was that we were likely to seek our lovableness and worth through projects and accomplishments and other people’s opinions of ourselves. Because of this we were very hooked into what was happening with other people and things and trying to fix those rather than declaring and being aligned with our truth and healthy choices and power.

The truth is – and I’m just going to put it to you straight Dear Thrivers, is we didn’t know how to generate healthy, honest, and authentic relationships. And that is what today’s The Thriver’s Life topic is all about. We didn’t know how to show up in our power, have the difficult and necessary conversations, ask for what we want, be clear on or direct with people regarding how we wish to be treated, and we didn’t know how to invite other people up into more evolved and healthier relationships with us.

And, if we don’t clean up all of this, we are left with either trying to be everything people want us to be to be loved or we will defend, pull back and observe things we don’t like about them. And let’s face it, we can be super sensitive after narcissistic abuse.  And then we may give up altogether because we ascertain that everyone is unhealthy and unsafe to have a relationship with.

However, as Thrivers going forward we need to do what we always have to do to truly Thrive – we need to take 100% radical responsibility to be the generator of our own experience. We need to start working out what is our truth and values, what we would like to receive from others and how to stop expecting people to read our mind and just ‘do the right thing’. We need to grow up and be mature, take charge of our life and stop expecting other people to do that for us. We need to start being honest when communicating with others.

Of course, when you are still working through your abuse recovery with NARP, the time is spent between you and you – just as I and so many Thrivers did, wailing the wounds out of our inner identity, on our couches or beds, or in forests or wherever it is, and bringing in source to get instant healing shifts on theses traumas. Initially, it has to be more about that mission than anything,

But then after we have the space inside us to feel well and healthy and even blissful within ourselves, without the need for outer people or props (which is our natural state without our inner trauma) it is time to look at our relationships around us.

I remember a conversation I had with my very wise son one day, about all the wounded people – the family and friends around me that I was terrified about connecting to again. I said to him ‘Everyone’s wounded and unsafe’. And Zac said, ‘Yes, they are, everyone’s got their stuff, and so have you! Are you going to deny yourself all human relationships because of this?’

He was right that was ridiculous. So, I got it – healthy relationship was actually up to me. It necessitated me growing up my inner, terrified parts that didn’t want to be honest, that were scared to speak up and had previously handed power away constantly trying to keep the peace, avoid rejection and be accepted. I realised that I had to be able to know my values and truth and walk them and ask people for clarity, deeper connection, and to enforce the respecting of my boundaries if necessary.

To start setting up this healthy template I had some necessary inner work to do. I confronted these following, painful beliefs in my own body to heal them:

‘Humans are unsafe.’

“If I’m my True Self, people will reject me.’

“I have no rights or value with others.’

‘No one will love the real me.’

And once I healed these beliefs with the shifts within the Empowered Self Course (there are three whole modules in this Course about relationships and boundaries), I was ready to start showing up in much healthier ways. The terror, despair and feelings of giving up and ‘what is the point I’m doomed to be a hermit because that is the only way I can be safe’ (sound familiar?) were gone.

Then, without those old terrible beliefs and fears, I was keen to take my relationships to the next level.

My dear friend and colleague Katherine Woodward Thomas taught me about how to generate evolutionary relationships. It was about showing up saying this: ‘I am so sorry that I haven’t been totally honest with you about what I have been feeling. I really value and love you, and I would like to create a much closer loving relationship with you. I’d love us to have a conversation honestly, heart to heart, about how you feel and what you need from me, as well as what I’m feeling so that we can have a much deeper connection, love and understanding of each other.’

This was life-changing for me, coupled with my energetic healing, and also with these additional next relationship level Quantum inner shifts:

‘I am a generator of true love regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing.’

‘No matter what the outcome, and even if this person can’t meet me at this level, then I am free to create deeper, healthier relationships with others.’

‘If someone doesn’t have the resources to meet me here, I can downgrade the relationship ‘expectation’ whereby I relate with them on a level that is healthy and boundary protected for me. In no way are they responsible as my source or my happiness, I am.’

‘In the face of abuse or compromising my values, I am willing to lose it all to get it all in the future and let this person go.’

Then I was truly armed to be a generator of real relationships. This is what I discovered when I just started making it my highest mission to be truthful – I spoke up when people hurt me, I told them the truth about what I needed from them, and I invited them to do the same with me.

One person unravelled right before my eyes as narcissistic. I let them immediately go and went no contact. Many more people moved up into incredibly fulfilling and loving relationships with me of renewed honesty and trust and compassion for each other.

Some relationships I let stay as ‘acquaintances’ or low-level connections because nothing else was possible with them.

The greatest thing about all of this was I now knew that I had the skills and ability to show up honestly and authentically as myself and open my heart to others without in any way giving my heart and soul or my power away.

Which is EXACTLY what I used to do when I was trying to get my worth and lovableness through others!

And, not only did I stop fearing human beings and their wounds, because I realised we are all wounded, all in this together and can grow together if we choose to. I also knew that I was so not susceptible to narcissists anymore – at all. Which meant no more hiding, closing down, protecting and trying to work out other people and ‘how to be’ in relation to them.

When we are fully ourselves and honest with great self-truth and boundaries, no narcissist can take you down – truly. And, people respect you and see you and hear and hold you more than you have ever experienced in your life! And you have the ability to grant the same to them also.

This is the new path of Unity Consciousness for humans – the dispelling of distrust and unspoken expectations, resentments and judgements, and the dawning of the evolved age of communion, mutuality, connection and love, and the modelling for our future generations of how to do this.

And, I’m so excited to answer your comments and questions regarding this episode!

And remember, after narcissistic abuse recovery, gloriously we take it further!

Why?

Because we CAN!

Lots of love, bye bye.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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118 Thoughts on How I Evolved My Relationships With Family And Friends
  • kawkaw999@hotmail.com'
    Kathleen
    June 26, 2018

    Yes! I am feeling this! I am zero tolerant of dismissive, disrespectful comments and behavior from friends. I have been hyper vigilant to addressing it. I either stay away from people who I feel don’t respect me-or I have in a few cases discussed it with my friends, how their actions or statements have hurt my feelings. It works. I am done being did-respected-I can still have fun-but I am definitely sensitive to bad treatment.
    I also don’t expect as much from some friends who I know have tendencies to be a bit narcissistic- I expect them to ditch me for a shinier object if we are planning to go somewhere- or to be distracted by their phones and things- I just really relish those who are NOT constantly on FB or twitter or texting while we are together-and I let them know.
    I’m feeling very much stronger now -so this is becoming empowering! Thank you MTE – !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Kathleen,

      That is great that you are feeling better and speaking up. The tricky thing is to hold love and openness in our hearts as we do to allow others to meet us if they choose to.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • lynnmv361@gmail.com'
        Lynn Vandyke
        June 26, 2018

        I’m still keeping my self distant and isolated not quite ready to do much on a social level . but I do,have people in my family I proceed with caution. I’m just getting started with the modules on 1 currently .

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 26, 2018

          Hi Lynn,

          That’s great that you have started the inner work with NARP. It will help so much.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • Sallyleads@icloud.com'
      Sally
      June 26, 2018

      Lovely it’s sounds like you are getting there. It’s odd that we thought or took this treatment from loved ones and friends! When doing Melanie’s recovery it is like looking at a whole different world. Good luck on your journey now that you are safe in your own hands 👼🏻💕

  • bicyclehead@hotmail.com'
    Michael
    June 26, 2018

    I have recently come to the realization that narcissistic abuse, especially gaslighting has a lot in common with scapegoating. Peace be with you.

  • rubztulipgirl@aol.com'
    Carolyn
    June 26, 2018

    Dear Dear Heart,
    Thank you for this wonderful insightful message!
    God bless you!
    Carolyn

  • gtrelford@hotmail.com'
    Gareth
    June 26, 2018

    It’s been hard seeing some of those traits in a close friend and wondering if they might have abused an ex, but also knowing they have their own trauma – I don’t know for sure if they have and it’s not the sort of thing you can easily ask or necessarily should. That friend has been there for me and so I can’t really beleive they would have been like that in the same way. But I have found myself looking for those traits a lot and being distrustful of many people.

  • cmarekmatejka@gmail.com'
    Wildflower
    June 26, 2018

    This is so timely Melanie. My middle child (23) is in immense pain. I had to kick him out and he is raging and trying to push all my buttons and sabotage my healing and control everything by throwing blame and shame my way. I did a massive amount of work thru moduling this weekend and this morning. I’m hoping it will open up a space for him to join me, but I know that the only person I can change and control is myself. I’m releasing all the resustance in my body to this becausexas a mother we carry this strong dedication and sacrificial attitude towards the raising of our children. I think the difference between him and my other two may be in the severity of his own Narc programing as my other adult children are compassionate and empathetic and so much easier to connect with. Accepting that he may never come around is so so hard. For some of us parents thus may be the case. I have to really trust that I have the strength to let go and i am with your guidance. Love to you. You are my angel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Wildflower,

      I am so pleased this is timely for you. This is so so painful for you, and you are doing a fantastic job or doing the inner work and remaining steadfast.

      So much love to you Wildflower and please know that absolutely you are doing the right thing.

      Sending big love and hugs.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Angelsone@sncglobsl.net'
        Dorothy Small
        June 26, 2018

        Melanie and Wildflower,

        This is also timely in my journey.

        Six months ago after walking on eggshells for so long with my oldest son allowing myself subconsciously to tolerate the blame/shame abuse because I hadn’t cleared that yet in myself, and after trying to “gently” express how I wished to be treated, I ended up expressing myself in a way neither he or his fiancée were accustomed to experiencing. His fiancée informed me I was being “mean” and I said things unforgivable. After three attempts to arrange a meeting with both she and my son with a mediator in order to have an objective person there to fascilitate the clearing of the air, it was met with the “silent treatment” by my son who sided with her.

        The wedding was June 16. This is his second marriage. I remained in my “uninvited status” since I spoke the truth last December. However, all I could do was search myself to see what my part in this was and seek to participate in a healing of our relationships. I am powerless over their response or lack of it.

        How did I handle this? I knew in advance that two weeks up to the wedding and a week beyond it would be extremely painful. I arranged to go away to a beautiful Inn that focuses on healing body, emotions and spirit. While there I attended yoga, went mountain biking along a bike trail following the scenic river, and met with one of the owners who is a published author on play therapy to help connect with the authentic self.

        I focused on what I was feeling and allowed myself to make the necessary connections to the past that still needed to be healed. It seems there were doors not only shut tightly deep inside but also nailed making it impossible for me to access what needed to be upleveled and shifted to create open doors letting in the healing light and releasing old pain unprocessed. I did not give my power away by “reacting”. I accepted my position and knew Source ( God/Love/Truth/Light ) was in me and with me st all times. I didn’t run from the pain and it ended up being what I needed to connect with the deep pain in my “ Minnie me”.

        I am staying in a state of love and heart connection and quickly correcting when negative thoughts and judgement want to override staying in a place of love. And I found anger unaddressed from one of the stages of unresolved grief locked shut behind the doors. I told myself it is normal to feel anger but that I would not act out nor would I direct that anger inward by self-abusive behavior.

        I had to realize I cleaned my side of the street and can not accept abuse even when it is coming from my oldest son and now his wife because of their subconscious stuff from unhealed wounds. Throughout the six months prior to the wedding I prayed only to be put in the best position in this matter for Source to work both in and through me. I released what and how the outcome would be and focused on continuing to be present to myself and to continue on my path of self recovery. When I relapsed back in May and grabbed the ex narc, I did more inner work making the connections to my past that still needed to be upleveled and released in order to release him once again. Letting him go was gentler than it ever was in the past. I told him that I had a problem because I keep trying to have a relationship with him when he either won’t or can’t. I said I needed to let him go because I tried fixing him and that wasn’t my place to do that and that I’m hanging on hoping it will be different. I am hurting myself (and him). I said I wasn’t getting my needs met and need to create the space for authentic love to meet me and not what was familiar. I paid attention to how effectively I expressed myself in this and how good that felt. Feeling good depended how I conducted myself and not what he did or didn’t do. It didn’t matter!

        Although being ostracized from the wedding was extremely painful, there has been much accomplished and shifts have occurred. I promised myself that I won’t again hang onto anyone who can’t relate in ways that aren’t abusive and lose myself. I finally feel self love and compassion that I never experienced. Self-partnering has been my priority for the last couple of years. And it is paying off.

        I don’t know what the future has in store regarding my oldest son. All I can do is detach with love and send him light and love as he finds his way along his journey. I released myself from the hook of shame and blame. I am not responsible for how he feels, and I can’t fix it. There is peace in detaching with love instead of entering into the negative place that is toxic for me as well.

        This blog is right where I find myself at this time.

        Thank you for being “spot on” and timely!

        • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
          Violet Spectre
          June 27, 2018

          Wow! xoxoxo

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 27, 2018

          Hi Dorothy,

          I salute your post in all ways.

          It is beyond powerful and beautiful and there is something in that for all of us.

          Thank you Angel Lady.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

        • natthebratster@gmail.com'
          Natalie H
          July 11, 2018

          Bless you Dorothy for that courage and deep
          Self realization. I am in a very similar situation with my eldest and his wife and unfortunately 2 young granddaughters. I had to go No Contact so I wouldn’t have another psychological break down. This process is new to me and very helpful hearing stories such as yours and inspirational advice from Melanie. Thank you all!!

  • e@eboorman.com'
    ENPB
    June 26, 2018

    Yes- I am in this exact place. It is very iscolating. Family, friends I see how inauthentic/abusive they are and simply don’t even like them anymore. It makes photos from childhood emotionally complex. My pets and young daughter are the safe place for my affections and attention as I simply have stopped trusting or even putting myself out there to have to trust anyone.

  • cmarekmatejka@gmail.com'
    Wildflower
    June 26, 2018

    I also wanted to say that in the beginning I faced so much loss – Friends family, commun ity. Some turned away and some I had to distance from and even cut off due to toxicity so that i could heal. Facing the isolation of this wouldn’t have been possible without NARP work. It was so worth the effort. Thank you for showing us this revolutionary way to heal trauma. So much love to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      So awesome Wildflower that you got through that oh so important time of connecting with you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nesilaw@outlook.com'
    "Aneas"
    June 26, 2018

    Oh my Melanie! Thank you! This is so helpful. We are being healed, & it’s okay if we encounter these relationship bumps along the way before we get there. We were created by God to love, & be loved by others….so we have to work through these situations to get there, even if we fall short at certain moments in our stages of vulnerability. I myself, like many in this community, have been strengthened to stand strong in “No Contact” with our current/recent Narcissist. However, through our healing, we find that life must go on…..& that we will “indeed” (like what your son mentioned) run across negative people on an ongoing basis “no matter what we do”! But we cannot run & hide. This is part of life, & part of what was intended by God to get us to that place of overcoming power where we can TRULY make a difference in this world. Without this experience & understanding, we will continue to allow our energy to be zapped by giving our pearls to swine, instead of recognizing those that truly & genienely long for the deposits we have to give (including our generations). Your words have been so helpful in keeping me on this path of recovery. I know some of the friendship & family relationships that I’ve struggled with for years are going to be dealt with in the right way, & the right timing as I continue to stay focused on taking care of my own healing. It is so liberating for the first time in my life….”to not feel guilty” about that. Lots of Love….so grateful to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Aneas,

      I love your very wise and beautiful words and thank you for sharing them with us all.

      How wonderful the guilt is gone!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • vickij72927@gmail.com'
      Vicki
      July 4, 2018

      I could have typed this word for word. It’s so joyful to know that I’m not alone in this journey 🙂

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan Allen
    June 26, 2018

    This is perfect timing! Thank you, Melanie (and team). This is exactly what I would like to know more about. Once out of immediate danger and long-time on the path to taking responsibility for my own healing – there is an extra level that I would love to get help with. This is exciting.

    Michael’s comment about scapegoating is interesting too. I would be interested to know more about what he means and how that works. And of course, to know if there are more insights in addition to walking your own truth, stating your truth calmly, and accepting whatever people do or do not do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Megan,

      That’s great that this was timely for you and please know in this new series there will be more around all these love and connection topics.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lydiachikumbi@gmail.com'
    lydia
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Mel

    What a coincidence, I’m currently going through this right now. My healing has caused me become more aware about bad behaviours and I’m more sensitive to what and who I allow in my space. Its like putting on clear lenses for the first time and seeing things in white and black. Its scary and liberating at the same time. I have lost one of my best childhood friend and scared to mention that I’m also losing the only one left. What is funny though is that I feel relieved whenever I dont pick up their calls and I have never been happier in life. I realised I was more like a trash can – were everyone would throw rubbish and I was always giving into their demands and listening to endless senseless talks. I’m not sure where this will lead me but because I have learnt to partner with myself (thanks to NARP), I know I’m on the right track.

    Thank you Melanies

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Lydia,

      That is so great that you are able to let go and make space for much more fulfilling relationships!

      Great work.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • loreleew@telus.net'
    Lorelee
    June 26, 2018

    I appreciate you addressing this topic. I have pulled away from everybody because I felt shamed and dismissed by others when I tried to explain what was happening. I am just now starting to think about connecting with others again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Lorelee,

      That is great that you are thinking about connection again. It is such an important part of being human.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tmaynard208@gmail.com'
    Tammy
    June 26, 2018

    I am in a place where I’ve come across plenty of people I wanted to start a relationship with, until I start to see behaviors and character traits that make me break it off with them. It’s to the point that I just have this deep knowing that I could possibly go through this for an extended period of time before I finally find someone to start the real journey with. I’ve stopped feeling exitable at the first glimpse of romance. That’s not to say I don’t love my life, but I definitely just get on with my day to day life not taking any of these meetings with potential partners very seriously. I feel like it’s a good thing, although I do sometimes just wish a good partner for me would just show up already.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Tammy,

      I hear you. Sometimes our deeper beliefs can be stopping that true connection appearing. It totally can be the fear of getting hurt again.

      Love absolutely is risk with good honest communication and healthy boundaries and it may be worth investigating the inner beliefs deeper Lovely Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tennilady@aol.com'
    Sharon Tennison
    June 26, 2018

    Yes! It seems that one-by-one my relationships are blowing up! I’ve had to adjust my level of trust repeatedly, because now I matter to me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Sharon,

      Sometimes this absolutely happens to make room for the new.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • weemarie1951@gmail.com'
    Marie Ferguson
    June 26, 2018

    I have been going through this for years close family member I have to stay away from for a few years it also involves not seeing grandchildren another close family member seems to believe all the made up stories this family member has always been exceptionally loving kind and really honest beautiful person breaks my heart but I have been reading lots for a long time eventually isolated myself have started loving me and trying to be kind to me I feel better I understand myself better I would have been lost if not for people like you Melanie so thank you for all your work in helping us and explaining things xlovex

  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    holly
    June 26, 2018

    i’m working again on going with the “low level connections”; i got caught up in wanting to be friendly and supportive… i’m over that again…… so here i go with my armour and boundaries built back up. , if i notice a bully i can then focus on what i do want… sane, safe, calm and easy interactions with everyone. always knowing the bullly gets their real needs met without my help

  • cperron@san.rr.com'
    Cindy Perron
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie! Thank you! I’ve done much healing through module work, but continue to be triggered when I encounter difficult/self interested people in the workplace that I must rely on – they directly effect my ability/effectiveness in doing my job – it’s like my survival is being ‘punched in the stomach’ or threatened. I’ve just relocated to San Francisco for a new job and want to make this work (!) How can I feel at peace with these people – curb that resistance meter, and feel safe despite? My default is to think that there’s something wrong with me preventing me from creating the ‘BFF’ thing I see others do… ? I try to be authentic, sensitively express what I need, but that sometimes only seems to make things worse… I’m stumped… I work in an industry (restaurants) where many are young and not evolved spiritually and emotionally. How do I ‘play in the sandbox’ with these millennials (I’m a vibrant and healthy 50) in order to do my job.

    Would love you’re perspective on the stories I need to drop and the module work that would be most beneficial 🙂

    Love,
    Cindy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Cindy,

      I would recommend using the Hoal Setting Module and targeting the trauma that gets triggered at these times in your body. If you set up the Goal – The Source Healing and Resolution of this trauma, that is a powerful way to clear it.

      Then you should see much healthier unfoldment where you will know what to do.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    holly
    June 26, 2018

    sane,safe,easy interactions

  • fthamm@hotmail.com'
    FAYE THAMM
    June 26, 2018

    yes I,m going through ,this right now ,and finding it hard to workout how to deal with the overwhelming sense of awarenes.and fear of being hurt or connected to, unconcious people as I have in the past.

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    June 26, 2018

    Resonated with every cell in my body. Thanks Mel.

  • ysannem@hotmail.com'
    Majory
    June 26, 2018

    I definitely have realized that I turn to my friends and family for validation, safety and security when in crisis and as such that I have never truly learnt how to provide myself with these feelings. I have kept the NARP journey ‘quiet’ from most people and just say I am meditating, it is early days for me and I don’t feel strong enough to address what may come up for me with some people/family/friends. The handful of friends I have shared it with have been so incredible and supportive, and validated that they are who I thought they were all along, my soul sisters, here on this journey with me, such a blessing to see this expression of understanding from them. I look forward to the time when I am stronger and more whole in myself to be more open with other friends and family, but for now I am happy in my little bubble of healing. Thank you Melanie xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Marjory,

      You are exactly in the right place for now. You are doing a fabulous job!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Eve.margaretedwards@gmail.com'
    Eve
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie, felt like this post was directed right at my situation as am going thru this with a ex partner large family who jumped over to my Sister whom I went no contact with and her family as the abuse had been going on for twenty plus years in the version of a covert smear campaign then the sister who revealed this to me jumped back onto her side after my no contact implemented .
    95%of my relatives are J . Witnesses who support one another no matter the abuse.

    It’s myself and my two kids at this stage and I can’t see a solution at this stage because it’s always back to Jehovah and the Bible for solutions.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Eve,

      It’s great this was timely for you. Please know there is no requirement to connect to anyone including family if they are not healthy for us.

      The world can provide our people.

      Sending hugs and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
      Andrea
      June 26, 2018

      Eve,

      I struggle with Jehovah witnesses too. My stbx was one and his parents literally dumped me and went back to him after them only speaking to me. They are so hipicrirical

  • sallyleads@icloud.com'
    Sally
    June 26, 2018

    Melanie this is just what the universe ordered. I am now believing the synchronicity as my mind is in a totally different space. I get pulled in now and again as I have contact with a few. I have to think sometimes…… Oh that is what the old me would do! I then stand back and accept what is happening and deal with it. Feels really weird but I’ve had a lifetime of dysfunctional others around me. Been very well programmed. My motherboard needs to be rewired after the massive cross wiring, devastating year I have had. Surprised I didn’t blow up! I was so broken I didn’t care what happened. I lost three beautiful people all under the age of 50, quickly and without warning. I am so thankful to you for your bad (sad life) turned good life, you are amazing and I would not have been so broken without all the losses, to be in a place that I watched how selfish, manipulating, Gaslighting and unconscious family are. Blessings to you my beautiful Earth Angel 👼🏻💕

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    June 26, 2018

    Yes, I have zero tolerance now for bad behavior. My own brother has been a bit distracted and not calling me as much. I think he’s completely unconscious and I used to look up to him. I now feel sorry for him because I think his wife is a narcissist. I am ready to help anyone in need but when we I needed it so bad, he had no time for me. I don’t think I’m hyper vigilant but I stand my ground now.

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie, yes! This is pretty much where I am at right now. I suppose with all the work I’ve done on myself and this complete shift in mindset, and establishing some solid healthy boundaries, I find there are still people who will try to crash right through it. As a matter of fact, not only crash through it, but challenge them. I had one family member who did this. I took the high road, but let this family member know that this behavior (which was toxic in every form) wasn’t acceptable. They didn’t like it one bit. Yet I still took the high road. Kept this family member at bay and I guess, well, you guessed it, they didn’t like this either.

    It’s so strange how all of this develops. 3 years ago, I would have thought it were all normal.

    I don’t argue, I don’t fight, I don’t try to reason with them. I clearly state my position (after all, they are not mind readers). I don’t seek comfort from this family member anymore (what I use to do). I seek comfort from myself now. And I am grateful for all the things I have become.

    I think I am doing the right thing. But it is amazing to see all the toxic relationships in one’s life, especially after coming out of a narcissistic relationship. My goodness! What feels REAL to me, what feels HEALTHY to me is now what I gravitate to if anything.

    Thank you for this very important video. I am still working on my boundaries, but I think I am doing ok now. Thank you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      You are doing such a great job with boundaries. Keep up the great work.

      By stating clear no’s to what you will and won’t accept, you are opening the door up to what is your truth.

      It will come!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kathrynnova@gmail.com'
    Nova
    June 26, 2018

    Yes, I’m actually just coming out of this phase, so your video is perfectly timed. After removing the narcissist – and going thru the pain of healing, I realized that most of my “friends” were unconscious- and stunned to realize that my two closest were also narcissists. It was rather traumatic actually. Now I have hardly anyone left in my life. At times I have wondered if I will just be alone for the rest of it. But most days I feel forward progress and can see my comfort levels among people rising. I trust that I will soon be ready to open up again, and have relationships that will flourish. Thank you for making me aware that I’m not the only one going through this. Much love to you and everyone on this journey!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Nova,

      You certainly aren’t the only one – and many blessings, joy and glorious unfolding to you on this journey too!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
    Resilient
    June 26, 2018

    My relationships have noticeably changed with everyone since doing the healings. Some folks have fallen away; others, I have to put a “limit” on how much time I can spend with them, otherwise I begin to feel drained. Then there are some that feel like they fall into the “kindred spirit” category, where they don’t quite rise to the level of a “soulmate friendship” because I know they can’t meet me at the level I now require (after having those serious heart-to-heart discussions). Nonetheless, I still enjoy their companionship. I am learning how to be in relationship with what I define as “kindred spirit” types, where we enjoy the same activities, but also learning to balance my boundaries with them, so I do not compromise myself. Melanie, I don’t know if you can relate to this. I don’t know if what I explain makes sense, but this is where I am at in my journey. xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Resilient,

      You have explained this perfectly and I totally get what you mean. Perfect!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne
    June 26, 2018

    As always Melanie, you seem to hit the mark with almost unnerving timing…
    I was lunching with a group of lovely girlfriends yesterday; we are all very long term friends and all
    have strong views and opinions that don’t necessarily gel. We all
    delight in each others strengths and weaknesses but of course if there is honesty there
    is quite often uncomfortable feelings, however for us 7 women that is all part of the joy of the connection we share.
    At one time or another 1 or more of us puts our foot in our mouth but we are kind to each other with this, mostly anyway.
    One friend (S) did my head in and I don’t know how to talk to her about it. The last time
    I raised an issue with her she stopped talking to me and avoided me for 2 years!

    While one of the other women was expressing her view on whatever subject we were debating,
    S kept turning to me and explaining what the other girlfriend meant. By the third instance
    I was becoming annoyed and indicated that I had been listening and had understood what she said.

    I was being very flippant, we laugh allot together and often hold each other to account. I was
    contributing throw away comments that were meant to make everyone laugh. With one comment I made
    where I was not at all being serious S gave the group a great big long detailed explanation of what it was I meant
    and took the comment to a very vulgar level. I did say that was not what I meant but had to take a deep breath. It made all at the table uncomfortable and no one would look me in the eye.

    The third incident was, as I adjust to becoming healthier I am avoiding gluten and lactose and learning to self care by taking with me the foods that I need. It feels good to me and I feel better. This friend of course has every illness, every disease, every allergy, always has had, and took offence that I was being fussed over by the other women, stating quite loudly that she too had had this condition for years and no one made a fuss over her. S was victimised by their loving attention on me.

    S took up most of the air space for the day reiterating and reinforcing constantly what ever point she was making. A few of us were feeling that we wanted her to stop talking, she is of course entitled to her view but so are the rest of us.

    I really dont know how to talk to her about this. If I upset her it will affect all the relationships within the group. But honestly it drives me crazy, being lectured constantly without invitation, I am a capable and intelligent woman.

    Within my relationships with the other ladies in the group I can call and discuss things, the relationships are clean and clear to my mind and they with me. If i upset them I apologisie and we discuss if they upset me they apologise and we discuss. It feels loving and real to me, deeply intimate and fulfilling.

    I just dont know what to do with S without disrupting the group dynamic but I also don’t know how long I can sit on it either. So I am going to closely listen to your blog on the topic and work with what arises. Thank you as always Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Robyne,

      Yes this is trickey!

      The choices are to ignore and shift beyond the frustration or to confront and be willing to lose it all to get it all – regardless of how it affects the group.

      I am sure you will make the right decision for you.

      It’s my pleasure Robyne.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nancyfam54@gmail.com'
    Monica
    June 26, 2018

    Yes, so timely. Just figuring out how to go forward with a narcissistic friendship that I don’t need or want anymore but in a small country town need to proceed mindfully and with inner strength. Mel, you have been the voice that has led me to attaining self love and respect.
    Great work Mel. You are a true and committed teacher to those of us who were lost and who seek authenticity and love. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Monica,

      I am so pleased you are finding your way and thank you for your lovely words.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lolitacuestan@gmail.com'
    Alias Loli
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Mel, Ive been in this phase for quite a few years it would seem… I know I am over the most recent N, I ran into him at a cafe a few months ago (after not seeming him for about 6 years) and felt nothing, no fear, no anger, no regret…
    A few years after starting NARP I was tracked down by phone (Google and FB have a lot to answer for) by a FOO member who I had chosen not to have contact with for 25 years. I allowed the conversation to unfold as best I could, he told me all about the past 25 years of my estranged FOO, even though I kept saying I didnt need to know.. I finally told him I would like to keep my privacy and boundaries in place, so I would contact him if and when I felt able to… He did not allow me what I needed, so I told him not to contact me again… after 3+ years now of unwanted (and often abusive) texts, phone calls and mail (yes Google again!!!) I have had to delete all online accounts, change my phone number and ‘pretend’ to move to another country. I live at the other end of the country to him thank goodness. During that time I have had many friendships and community based relationship challenged to breaking point. What a journey it’s been!!! I endeavour to keep making new friends and build relationships that have clear boundaries and expectations, and I believe I’m in a much better place now. I do still feel lonely at times though, not having a ‘special man’ in my life. Ive worked with Kathryn’s program to heal further and prepare for a new relationship … I hope I can eventually arrive at the place beyond the phase of ‘moving on to better relationships’… Thank you for the encouragement.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hey Alias,

      That is so great you had no remaining charge. You’ve done a fabulous job!

      Gosh this has been a journey for you! I’m so pleased to hear that you are working with Kathryn’s program and much love and many blessings to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sarafoxyjolie78@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie, You are an amazing person! Thank you for your gift of communication and your openness and understanding. What an angel! I’m so happy I found you, its so great to know that you exist and are here to help all of us through this horrible ordeal and to see where we played our role in all of this. Again God Bless.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Sara,

      Thank you for your beautiful words.

      You are very welcome and many blessings to you too.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • gpeacock1@san.rr.com'
    Gretchen Peacock
    June 26, 2018

    Through a devastating divorce after a 25 year marriage, where I lost all that I’d built over the past quarter century, namely my home, and my two adult daughters that were my world, I discovered that my husband was not the first NPD individual I had intimate relations with. He was simply the one I least expected it with. I had also had intimate relationships with other Naricissists/Psychopaths. Through counseling and a ton of research on Psychopathy and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I discovered I had only subconsciously picked men based on what I was familiar with. My Dad. It was odd, because none of these men seemed *anything* like the other. The only thing they had in common was the disease, which was not detectable, until I was HOOKED… So, I am leary of men, period. And I feel like my radar is super hot to it. So I see it a everywhere, and as a result, though I’d love to have a boyfriend, steer clear for fear of falling into the same trap.

    I desperately miss my daughters, who have excluded me out of their weddings/receptions, and other important events, while inviting in those who’ve narcissistically abused me. The dynamic went from toxic to malignant. And now, my entire family is meeting together behind my back. I have been disinherited by my Dad, and they will all know my grandchildren before I even know I have any. In fact, I don’t expect to ever meet them, or be reunited and reconciled with my kids. It’s as if I was challenged to a game of hardball by the devil.

    It is truly a miracle that I did not self destruct. Which is the goal of a psychopath…

    I would dearly love your help/assistance. I so desperately want my kids back, but the relationship is so destroyed and poisoned, I do not know that there is any recouping it. Likewise, I do not know that I will ever be able to trust a man, again. My husband was the only man I ever really trusted. And he turned out to be quite the actor: a liar, deceiver, and a betrayer. I so want to tell my daughters the truth, but am afraid they will never believe me, and that I will be found chopped up on a beach somewhere, if I even attempt to try…

  • gpeacock1@san.rr.com'
    Gretchen Peacock
    June 26, 2018

    Through a devastating divorce after 25 years of marriage, I discovered I had married a NPD/Psychopath. He was the only man I ever really trusted, but turned out to be quite the actor. After counseling, and a ton of research and study on this personality type, I discovered my ex was not the only one I’d had intimate relations with this personality type. These guys were nothing like each other. The only thing they had in common was the disease. I learned I subconsciously went with what was familiar to me: My Dad…

    Though I’d love to have a boyfriend, I see red flags every time I’m attracted to someone. So, I steer clear from men, period.

    I’d desperately love to have my daughters back, but fear it will never happen as the poison has gone from toxic to malignant. My brother also married a Narcissist/Psychopath, and my Dad has disinherited me based on hearsay from the poison incubated against me.

    I’m doing pretty well in the thriving dept, but still stuck financially, and homelessness is only a shake away. I am finding it hard to find gainful employment.

    I feel like I’ve been challenged to a game of hardball from the devil. I’d love any assistance/helpsupport you can offer.

    Thank you,

  • colleen_murtha@yahoo.com'
    Ready To Bloom
    June 26, 2018

    This is a great topic. I have also had difficulty creating new relationships since I am very sensitive to others energy. When I am alone, I feel at peace. When I am starting a new friendship with someone I have noticed that my standards for friendship are higher than they were in the past and sometimes I realized too late that this person and I may just not be compatible. I didn’t realize how common this is. It has showed me that I still have more work to do on myself. When others “ get to me”, I sometimes am confused as to whether they get to me because I now have stronger boundaries and am seeing the world through a different, healthier lens or because I still have more work to do to strengthen my boundaries……or both! If a friendship fails, I usually end up blaming myself – even if I suspect the other person might be toxic or unconscious. I trust I will sort this all out at some point. Thanks for bringing this subject to light.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 26, 2018

      Hi Ready to Bloom,

      I hope this has granted you some inner direction and assistance and it was great this was so relevant for you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sammy
    June 26, 2018

    Dear Mel,

    I love this video! I am coming into this place of more authentic communication with my friends. Since I started on the NARP journey 18 month ago, I have stepped up and started being more honest with my friends and I am pleased to say two of them in particular, who I have felt really hurt by in the past, when explaining to them my honest feelings have completely stepped up and are now treating me with much more respect and it has deepened our friendship beyond belief. I would have been terrified of doing that in the past.

    This has helped me with a more recent situation in which I have been sexually assaulted by a friend. I am working very much with the Quantum understandings around why I called this experience into my life and taking responsibility for healing that but at the same time have been able to be honest and stand up and speak out about it.

    This person was one of my best friends and the shock waves of the incident has shaken up my community of friends. In the past, I would have been so scared of losing my friendship group that I would have stayed quiet and blamed myself, but I have been able to deal with this in a way which is surprising myself. I have no attachments to what anyone thinks of me, I am holding my boundaries and calmly stating my truth. I learned all this from you Mel and I am so so grateful for the teachings and understandings you are sharing with us. I know I called the experience in for my growth and there is a wound that needs healing but also I know a big part of it is standing up in my truth and loving and honouring myself to not accept this for myself any more. I feel bloody amazing in spite of everything that is happening! I have never felt so strong and I know that the friendship I lose as a result of the situation are not meant to be in my life anyway and actually, I am being supported and believed beyond measure and the funny thing is, I didn’t need anyone to believe or support me which goes to show how much this stuff works!

    So much gratitude Mel… you are absolutely incredible and how blessed we all are to have the benefit of your insights.

    Lots of love xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Sammy,

      Your comment is such a powerful one. First please let me say my heart goes out to you for the sexual abuse. That would have been horrible.

      What is fantastic is that you are taking the bull by the horns, healing yourself, being authentically powerful and truthful about this and not regressing into victim hood.

      You are a true inspiration Sammy and what a powerful soul graduation that you are taking and achieving.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 💕❤️💕

  • lorrainewilcock529@gmail.com'
    Lorraine Wilcock
    June 26, 2018

    Thank you Mel you are truly a light in this world. I have been in the hermit stage for a while. I needed this thriver episode and I need to get on with the NARP programme.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Lorraine,

      Thank you for your beautiful comment and I am so pleased I can inspire you with NARP and this episode to take the next step.

      It takes courage but what else is there to do if we want to live our incredible life.

      Mel 💕❤️💕

  • barbykelly1@gmail.com'
    Changing
    June 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m experiencing at the moment what you describe: seeing how damaged people around me are, hard to know whom to trust, barely anyone left around me to count on. Thankfully being with my kids brings me happiness every day and keeps me strong. To finally look after me and to ensure healthier relationships for me and my kids. It’s interesting to see, people who don’t have the best intentions, how they look puzzled when I don’t react how I used to, when I don’t take the bite. I have less real friends than I thought. I’m glad to see their true face now. The amount of flying monkeys…. The smear campaign has been massive but that’s not my problem (any more :-)). Thank you for your videos. I’ll continue listening :-).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Changing,

      I am so glad you are healing and coming back to your inner relationship as well as enjoying your children.

      Please know the breakthrough into greater connection health is possible and awaits you when the time is right..

      Bless you!

      Mel 💕❤️💕

  • s.tsami@hotmail.com'
    Regina
    June 26, 2018

    Dear Melanie,
    I would like to know if what I am now going through is temporary because sometimes I believe it will last for ever. I have gone no contact since last August and since then after lot of suffering and pain I have been isolated from most of my friends and family. The situation continues like this and there are days I speak with none and do not make the effort to get in contact with any of them or make new acquaintances. I work, I take care of my child and then stay home doing nothing. Can you please guide me? thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Regina,

      I really want to ask you, have you committed to the inner work?

      The truth is Dear Lady when we have been traumatised and are on a painful and lonely trajectory there is no outer change coming to save us.

      We need to become the inner change and then everything can change.

      I’d love to invite you to get started on this: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Lstephens@thewavz.com'
    Lynne
    June 27, 2018

    For me, going zero contact, by the grace of God who removed the narc and the minions away from me, was absolutely the biggest factor in my being able to get perspective and get on with the business of my own life.
    .
    As I heal from that situation and the self talk that is unhealthy I have also been outwardly not accepting people who want to use and abuse me. That turned out to be more people than I thought.
    And it has affected me in terms of financially at the business and personally in terms of isolation issues.
    I see people little bit better than I did before which was very trusting and giving the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for and being “too understanding”.
    There are plenty of narcs and other personality disorders and bad people and users in the world.
    I don’t want to be anywhere near those people.
    But neither do I want to deny my need for friends and socialization and companionship.
    That means to slow it down and take it one day at a time and do what I can with what I have today in terms of the people who I choose to have contact with today or who I come in contact with today.

    I am learning my growth and development as a process.
    Thank you Mel for this introspective topic.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Lynne,

      You are so welcome Dear Lady and please know as we heal our inner belief systems and also show up asking for what we need and healthily communicating, without fear and pain, we can be amazed at how relationships transform powerfully and quickly.

      I wish you all the best Lynne in your journey going forward.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna
    June 27, 2018

    Hi Mel!

    You just keep getting better and better with your videos and being on top of what we need next to keep thriving. I commend you on being intuitive enough to realize, and then choose to help us with, what we need to keep moving forward by giving PRACTICAL advice on the next steps.

    I ALWAYS love your videos, but this one is beyond a “BINGO!” for me.

    I actually have been doing pretty well with regard to personal relationships via Quanta Freedom Healing.
    But I am now in the thick of a career change. The two “primary” narcissists for me have been my mother and TWO employers. The last one really threw me into a tailspin as my immediate supervisor what in the STRATOSPHERE in terms of workplace bullying. She was allowed to get away with it, because she excelled in other areas than supervising people.
    Now that I am ready to go out into the work force again at my new and improved level, I have a fear of narcissistic employers/ie. authority figures.

    Would you consider giving me some quick advice or tips on how to “tweak” how to speak what you learned (from Katherine Woodward Thomas”) to apply to speaking to a supervisor at work?
    I find that the nature of the hierarchical relationship between a boss and an employee is more difficult for me, compared to a lateral strictly personal relationship.
    Thank you either way.

    You are TOTALLY “cookin’ with gas”, dear lady!
    Your are truly a light-worker on this planet.

    Much love,
    Deanna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Awww Deanna,

      Thank you for your lovely words and for being in synch with the Thriver outgrowth!

      Okay, even though employer narcissism has never been my stuff, first of all absolutely is the NARP Module work to clear up the fears of being bullied and narced.

      Then I would work on clearing any fears of having to speak up if necessary.

      What is so important in conversation under stress is to stay in grace, power and calm.

      Something like ‘I want to know if there is anything I can do to help. Are their pressures and problems that you may be dealing with right now?’ (sometimes people behave badly because they are stressed and that level of your compassion can have an incredible effect.)

      Then in relation to what you will and won’t do. Be clear with what you can deliver and what you can’t. Hold your boundaries and be willing to lose it all to get it all.

      Does this help?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • roma4amor@gmail.com'
        Deanna
        June 27, 2018

        Good morning (my clock time) Mel!

        You are BEYOND awesome for taking the time to respond so thoroughly to me. xoxoxo

        YES, YES and YES it helps! GREAT ideas!!!!!!! You NAILED it. It is that feeling of being small and powerless, which comes from patterns established by Family of Origin. Today even as an adult, I STILL get shut down when I speak up to my mother who is my first narc/bully. The only reason I don’t go no contact is because she is my mother, widowed and elderly. I do though only have limited contact.

        I definitely will work with the QFH modules to clear up the FEAR (of C.R.A.P.) and intimidation.
        You are so smart to also bring to light the fear about even speaking up as well as the importance of remaining graceful and calm under fire.

        Also, it is great that you bring to light that when it comes to a bully, there is definitely something that they need that they are not getting– ex. ego satisfaction, the money they feel entitled to, or they have a political agenda. It is important to take this into consideration when strategizing how to choose to deal with them and deciding what I will or won’t do/accept.

        Thanks again for helping me pinpoint what I need to work on as well as helping me with the wording when speaking up.

        MUCH MUCH MUCH appreciation xoxoxo

        Love,
        Deanna

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 28, 2018

          Hi Deanna,

          You are so welcome hun and I am so pleased this helped.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bob@bobcrawford.org'
    Bob Crawford
    June 27, 2018

    YES YES – This has happened to me – While I KNOW there are plenty of conscious GOOD people, sometimes it seems like there are nothing but cold, self centered, unconscious, narcissistic people EVERYWHERE!

    I am the oldest of 6, and after several decades, finally realized that there was not a single one of my siblings that I could have any kind of positive relationship with. I spent many years trying – even simple things like getting one of the to commit to a certain dinner time were impossible, as they will only “pop in” when ever the mood stikes them. I finally ended that – and they all thought I was crazy.

    In working environments (I spent 30 years in Info Tech.), it seemed like every day was another “dog-eat-dog” moment. People constantly trying to show up one another and putting others down.

    So thank you Mel for addressing this topic.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      You are very welcome Bob,

      And I am so hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • roma4amor@gmail.com'
      Deanna
      June 27, 2018

      Dear Bob,
      Thanks for sharing about your working environment. It does seem like the corporate world, and anywhere involving money, egos, and politics, have become “dog-eat-dog”. Thanks for reminding me of that expression. Even though my idealistic self wants everyone to be happy and play nice in the sandbox, when it comes to work, it isn’t necessarily so. YET, there still are good people out there too.

      I understand about the dinner time thing. Good for you with setting a boundary about a time commitment. Then it is their choice to honor that, or not. And your choice to not invite them if they insist on being so clueless and rude.

      I have learned that whenever I act “sane”, the crazies call ME the crazy one. Oh well. I have also learned that I CAN live with the “guilt”.

      Best,
      Deanna

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    June 27, 2018

    Hi Mel
    This is exactly the work I need to be doing now. You have responded to something a little similar on NARP forum on how to talk to my father and I have made tiny steps but still struggled to find clarity.
    The fear and mistrust coupled with trying to work out how to be – on all levels and areas of my life has been a huge theme for many years…I think this video is one for me to watch many times!
    I am currently deciding between the Empowered Self/ FOO course as my next level healing and wondered if you can advise on the key difference and what to do as a priority. I have a lot of FOO wounds that go back to previous generations and I know its my job to break the chain (as a parent myself) but also I have not lived and fulfilled my potential professionally and personally in relationships despite a lot of awareness and healing work – mainly due to an inability to speak up for myself and speak my truth!
    Interestingly the comment just above by Deanna is something I am currently navigating – speaking to a boss in difficult circumstances who has her own Narc/co dependent issues. I too struggle with authority figures and people in power and always have done.
    However, due to the amount of strength and power that I do have, from doing my own work and overcoming a lot of trauma and pain, I have an inability to let go of/mask my truth in the end. Even if I take far too long to admit it and take too much on the chin to get there!
    So it triggers people and then they go through periods of avoiding me or being rude, or rejecting me or trying to belittle me in some way.
    It seems I swing from playing too small to being big and strong. That is probably confusing for others too and makes them distrust me too?
    I am learning – as you explain so clearly here that If I can hold my truth and hold on to love no matter what – it doesn’t matter what they do and to give most time to those who can up level and meet me while keeping just civil and functional with others who are less able to open and connect and meet me half way.
    My current mission is to speak without fear of C.R.A.P. Its going much better than before but I’d still like to get to the stage of not living with acute fear and anxiety underlying my every move.
    Thanks for raising this clearly as an issue and how to overcome it.
    Love Sophie x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Sophie,

      You have articulated all of this perfectly and you truly are well on your way!

      FOO is the perfect next step for you right now, and also you will see my comment back to Deanna, which will help.

      Keep healing Lovely Lady you are doing an amazing job!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mjm0916@gmail.com'
    mj
    June 27, 2018

    My first spouse was narsitic with verbal abuse initially that escalated to physical with his drinking and the affair. The second spouse was a covert narsist; increased drinking and affair. Both were marriages of 16-20 years. Now I question my boundaries and trust of any future relationships.

  • cmoor145@gmail.com'
    Carly
    June 27, 2018

    I have completed the NARP Program and am blown away at the results. Not only does my ex narcissistic boyfriend seem like an icky thing from the past but I also noticed many of my close girlfriends were manipulative and starved for attention. As I worked on myself and loved myself I noticed I had less patience to give manipulative people the attention and emotion they were seeking. I felt less emotion when telling them no and after some time they left me alone. I have more peace now than ever before, just left with needing new, healthier relationships with people and family.

    • cmoor145@gmail.com'
      Carly
      June 27, 2018

      I really needed this, thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Carly,

      That is wonderful that you have shifted and healed so much with NARP.

      Hurray for more authentic connections, they will come to you in abundance. Stay in your heart and true.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • melaniewhitwell@gmail.com'
    Melanie Whitwell
    June 27, 2018

    I am going through this right now. I have not been through this program but enjoy your videos very much! I realized that my co-worker was a narcissist and it was like a light bulb moment as this made me see that many people in my family are narcissistic. As I set up some boundaries with my mom, my sisters have started to exclude me and give me the cold shoulder. I feel very strong in myself but also alone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Melanie,

      That is great you have boundaries. The next level is the ability to be open hearted, extended and safe.

      Wishing you the healing to generate life at that level.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • clwisehart@gmail.com'
    Cynthia Wisehart
    June 27, 2018

    After my ex-husband took my money and left me homeless, my daughter told me I needed to quit being a victim and I needed to “straighten up”, be happy, go get a new job (in a new city) near her and just forget about him. Ha! She had no idea what I had been through, however she had been manipulated by him for 12 years, too. 3 weeks later, she told me I couldn’t be around my grandson anymore because I was the narcissist and she had to protect him from me. 6 months later, my son was abusive in his conversation with me…I was shocked! When I set my boundaries, he told me I stressed him out and that he couldn’t be in relationship with me anymore. WOW! I had not realized, until just months ago, that these two had been treating me terribly for years. What an awakening! And what a heartbreak!
    Through my healing, I have been incredibly sensitive and, even, shocked by the people at work and how they treat one another. And when a man asked me out, the first sign of narcissism (could have just been a healthy ego?) sent me running. As much as I want friends, family and community, I am cautious. I see it coming now…and hopefully won’t make the same mistake again…but do you see as many narcissistic, psychopathic people as I do?
    WHEW!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 27, 2018

      Hi Cynthia,

      My heart goes out to you that must be so painful to have experienced that with our children.

      I know 100 percent that our entire life experience comes for our inner experience. The inner healing is the only place where we have the power to make the shift.

      I’d love to offer you this so that you can start the process of relief and healing: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • atate3919@gmail.com'
    Angela Diane Tate
    June 27, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    Although, I know it is irrational to believe one should not trust anyone after going through something like this makes you want to take on that attitude.

    I don’t believe everyone is bad or abusive but do know there has been something painfully in me to attract such people. Largely, I am discovering I grew up in such an environment of yes….academically educated parents that were for the most part displayed a spectrum of narcissism in my life.

    This left me feeling empty and vacant void. So, I can now look back to see the origin of this problem. I am eager to learn more and found these videos and blogs are a life saver along with my faith. I feel at 59 years of age maybe now I will have meaningful relationships and can begin to live my best life ever!

    Blessings w/much Love & Joy to come!
    Angie

  • stacey.harrison@outlook.com'
    Stacey Harrison
    June 27, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Oh, my goodness how much relevance is in this post. I am finding that since coming out of abuse and suffering depression and anxiety most of my life it has finally hit me at 41 and I have felt very safe stating to myself ‘I just want to be alone’ all the time. I moved into a tiny studio about 6 years ago and stayed there for 4 years feeling very comfortable staying in a small confined space because big spaces and people made me feel almost on edge and I just wanted to get away from everyone all the time. Coming home after socialising was the best thing for me it was as if I had to manage myself with others and in that ego state of mind and body I just did not have the energy to talk to people, dance and drink as one does when they go out and have fun – all I wanted to do was get back into my studio as fast as possible and get back into bed. Watching TV and numbing out that way was my only coping mechanism and I even found that I wanted to stay at home all the time and avoid everyone. My friends seem to have so much power over me and I would get so anxious around them and they seemed to have a control streak in their personalities even though not narcs. Day dreaming, fantasies and other ways of dissociating have been my only ways of feeling at ease and I have been single for a long time after going through narcissistic abuse as the red alert thing in my nervous system is still very much there from abuse so I think men scare me and I have rejected possibilities which were healthy for me. Real life seems too scary, hard and over whelming and feeling lost in the woods and wishing things were different are the current states of mind so I have a lot to heal here.

    Thanks
    Stace

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2018

      Hi Stace,

      Dear Lady thank you for your very honest post, there are many people who will relate.

      Life certainly does feel exactly like you have described when we still have large amounts of trauma trapped within.

      Please know it doesn’t have to be like this though, because when we start releasing it, power, confidence and radiance enters.

      That is what my inner transformational work is all about: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    June 28, 2018

    Hi Melanie!

    1,5 years since the n dumped me, no contact and I did enormous amount of energy healing. All fine, I feel I was already “thriving”. Even met a potential new sweet guy. Then I got this “brilliant” idea to contact the n. One coffee or lunch, how dangerous that can be I thought. I should have believed you. It was…dangerous. Within 24 hours, the abuse began. My soul was agitated and restless, and I thought, I cannot be in this stage again. I just can’t believe how someone can be so…cruel. Yes, I’m fool and stubborn…looks like I needed to experience it by myself to “get it”, that any kind of a contact with the n simply does-not-work. This time I was able to calm down and become grounded again about within 3 days. Last time it took me 3 years (or, heart-breakingly, 30 years!). I was able to restore my sanity, when I remembered, I don’t need to take his behaviour personally. This is a poor soul, that must do whatever it takes to relieve his inner pain. But that is his garbage, I refuse to take it to me!
    It’s sad we can’t be even casual “just friends”. But also this reality check helped me feel better: maybe exes are not meant to be friends, maybe it never works, even if the man is non-n.
    I had thought, I could be his friend, if I interact with him in such ways, that I do not express/show any emotion, any vulnerability, any weakness. If we only talk about non-personal things, like weather and sports. Then I realised, damn what’s the point with such a relationship?! Completely fake!
    I think the whole point of relationships, especially intimate relationships, IS to be involved with emotions, show emotions and vulnerability, in other words, to be real, authentic. I just realised what “intimate” actually means…not (just) sex, but that someone sees our soul/mind “naked”, uncovered.

    Also, I had this huge aha-moment: When I was a child, my father was often physically and emotionally violent. Anything could trigger that. So I learned, I must always be some “version” (ideally, “the best possible version”, “good girl”, “invisible” etc.) of me, in order to be safe. Showing emotions, like crying, no no. Being teenager and have normal temper tantrums, completely unacceptable. I already see where my pattern comes…that in order to be safe, I can’t show emotions, weakness, vulnerability. Is it any wonder, I have attracted n’s, because my poor mind has been so f***ed up? I’m sad and angry to even talk about this.
    And I’m angry with myself, all this happened with my dad some 30 years ago, and he is nice and normal (but somewhat distant) nowadays; I have already done so much healing…why I still, today, feel the need to type about these things here, why can’t I just get rid of that old story once and for all? 🙁
    I’ve also thought, when we heal (clear the stuff from subconscious), do we start to show up, behave, naturally, automatically in new ways that are in alignment with that? Or do we need to actually practise, learn some new skills, cognitively? I mean, now my goal would be, to be completely safe, relaxed, authentic with a man. And I’m like, how? 🙂 It’s like wake up in some new foreign country, do not know the language, habits or anything, I’d feel an alien. Unfortunately, I think I’d feel an “alien” in a healthy relationship too. I have no modeling for it, no past reference, it’s something I can’t visualise, imagine, “how it would feel”. Can you follow me? And when it feels unfamiliar, I fear (and this has happened) I can unconssiously create unhealthy dynamics with even a totally healthy man. What’s the solution to this?
    And with this new “sweet guy”, I said in about 4th date, that I do not easily trust men, that I have become disappointed in the past, and that’s why I can still sometimes become little bit “reactive”. I’m little bit annoyed with myself, why I needed to take this “poor me” mindset? But he seemed to understand me and was like “it’s okay, we all have our stuff” and asked me out again, so maybe it wasn’t a turn-off for him 🙂
    I’m just confused, you said in earlier post (“how to avoid toxic people”) that we should never reveal this kind of wounded stuff about ourselves. Hmm, and at the same time, we should be authentic, real. Now I’m not sure, did I do some misstake here?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2018

      Hi Julia,

      Okay let’s look at your post piece by piece.

      First of all dipping back into narc infested waters is never a good idea as you painfully discovered.

      Friendships can only be healthy when two people care about each other and are not out to manipulate for an ego feed. Some exes can do that … narcissists never can.

      Okay I really want to ask you in regard to the old wounds with you father have you been working with my NARP program?

      Because there is a huge difference in doing inner work or doing the work inside us that truly removes the traumas so that we go free of them. That’s what NARP does.

      If you can still feel the traumas inside you as painful charges, they still exist regardless of what you may have applied to them to heal them.

      If you can’t feel what it is to be safe, relaxed and authentic inside you, with a man, then there are traumas trapped inside you that are preventing you from attaining this Goal. These are your natural states without these traumas.

      (If you already are working with NARP I highly recommend getting assistance and coaching in the NARP Forum to help you with this. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      For you, and for all us, trying to work it all out with still existing trauma is excruciating. I tried to live like that for decades.

      I now know the solution is ‘less thinking more shifting’ it’s the direct path to all the wellbeing which has eluded us.

      I can show you how this works here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        July 2, 2018

        Hi Melanie!
        This all made me think (yes, I’m thinking so much…)…I have done narp, eft and other inner child work (with a healer) and now I think, if all this can become an obsession in itself, like ego(?) saying, “you still need to fix this and this and this”, which of course will keep me dwelling in the past and keep me stuck. When we know we have done enough?

        Somehow this last encounter with the n, in it’s all horribleness, was good, it helped me gain clarity. This person is not able to be normal. It was something like the last roar of a dying dragon 🙂

        Regarding this new potential boyfriend, sometimes I think if he (or any man) is also a n. But I try not to worry about it too much…Innocent unless proven guilty 🙂
        He seems to be friendly, interested but also shy, taking it slowly, is “formal”, at the same time somehow cold and warm. Then I thought, this is maybe actually a good sign! No love bombing, no high intensity, no “instant relationship”, no instant “I love you’s”, no sex. Maybe normal men proceed like this…slowly.

  • tel5271999@gmail.com'
    Michael Land
    June 28, 2018

    I was there. For a minute. Until I realized that I am fully capable as a grown adult to protect and care for myself. And when I judge another it comes right back on me. We call each person into our experience out of the way we feel about ourselves. I am 100% responsible for the people that I draw to me. Therefore the only judgement that would be appropriate is the judgement of myself. I believe in compassion. Compassion as a condition within me. Compassion as the understanding that my internal world affects everything outside of me. Understanding that I am affecting this physical world, and just like a mirror, it all reflects back to me. It is an endless cycle. I can either judge people and conditions or accept them and take responsibility. My world revolves around my heart. Living from the heart has been a much more enjoyable experience for me rather than being so externally focused that my world revolves around other people.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 28, 2018

      Beautifully expressed Michael.

      Bravo!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • heather.meldrum@gmail.com'
      lucknotsure
      June 28, 2018

      Hi Michael, true to the point of when you end and other’s begin. I think in life, nothing can be 100 percent ( or we would all be drunk all of the time ! ) and that is the beauty of success and failure and lessons and learning, depending on perspective in life. We have wonderful opportunities, you sound like you can handle some difficult times – they can be fun, if we rely on our selves. I have, what an awesome adventure. You sound interesting! Go Heart!

  • candicebradfield@gmail.com'
    C
    June 28, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    On the topic of friendship, I’m thinking of telling some of my closest friends that I am planning on leaving the N, but I’ve been putting it off. I’m sure they’ll be supportive but I’m not sure they’ll understand.

    Has anyone gone through anything similar?

    C

  • michellepdaniel@gmail.com'
    Michelle Daniel
    June 28, 2018

    This is totally me! I feel I have to literally end most of my relationships to start from scratch. I feel there is no other way to heal fully.

  • heather.meldrum@gmail.com'
    Heather Meldrum
    June 28, 2018

    Hi Everybody!. I Joined the NARP program in March and am still bouncing between module 4 and 1. I had an extraordinary experience where I was carer to my NPD with MND mother and NPD partner of 9 years, involving MY two children ( 14 year, daughter currently with me and 16 year son with NPD ex ) simultaneously, after suffering through several major disasters with work and bushfires. The remarkable thing I saw was the common factors – language, tactics, eye movements and expressions ( both really well practiced coverts ). The position I was in, gave me the opportunity to really push back when my buttons were pushed, yes I heard Melanie say we are the stubborn one’s looking for logic, and the result ( now my head has finally stopped spinning ) is the comparison really drives home the understanding and truth of what just happened ! The jigsaw pieces fit so it has to paint the picture ?. Amazingly mind blowing stuff, when all we thought we had to do was treat others like we would treat our self. I have found Richard Grannon from England very insightful from a slightly different angle, but what Melanie ( I Love You and your voice soothes me straight away – Thank you ) and Richard both say speak the same truth. One suggestion was upon meeting and getting to one other was to ask ” how could you see your self make any improvements in your life”. Very interesting stuff and as far as me being ready to conquer the world with my true self, I can feel it, then I get shaky and want to write comments in awesome people’s posts. Love to all who are deserving – you have to be able to give a piece of your self in order to truly receive that of another. X

    • heather.meldrum@gmail.com'
      Heather Meldrum
      July 1, 2018

      I also want to add that Abdul form ‘vital mind psychology’ in Sydney has a u tube channel worth watching. Real stuff and the evolution is real ! let’s do it for the youth. Melanie has the key to the middle ground of it all.

  • luvstitchin2@yahoo.com'
    Michelle
    June 30, 2018

    I love this episode as it comes at the perfect time for me. I have just received a very hurtful letter from my son who is a narcissist. He blames me for many things in his childhood and has basically told I’m a failure as a mom. I have been working on my marriage and now have another painful relationship to acknowledge! It is so hard but with your help I am feeling so much better and am working on myself so that I can be free of the blame and hurt!! I clearly see that the blame reflects their insecurities and that I don’t have to take that on!!
    Thank you Melanie for everything!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2018

      Hi Michelle,

      That is so wonderful you are working on you to release that inner hurt.

      It really is true, without the inner tools what would we do?

      Great job Michelle and sending you continued healing and blessings.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bakos.zsuzsanna83@gmail.com'
    Susana
    June 30, 2018

    Hi,

    After watching this episode came into my mind that my narci mother questioned me in everything like what should i only tell to people about myself, how i should wash my hair. He also all the time told me i live in a dream world called me not normal even at age 35. And the list goes on……I am at module 8 and still wondering how much “questioning me all the time bla bla” and hate, jelaousy was programmed in me and still come up in me. I always felt something not ok and asked validation from my best friend who all the time told me i am ok and nothing is wrong with me expect that I talked too much and wanted be love able for other people. I do not want to convince nowadays anyone about it because I am in a better relationship with myself and I do not need anymore people who question me and just put me down. I was questioned if I told someone in a not nice way when they mistreated me. Now I do not care and do not feel bad if someone really cross the line and I tell my opinion the way I want. Generally i am a really kind person and felt so bad that based on my mother programmed bla bla I had to feel bad about doing or telling anything to others. I talk much more less about myself why someone should like me and it feels good. Narp was really a life saving.

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    July 6, 2018

    I don’t feel like there are lots of bad behaviors around me. I’m positive and kind to all still but my brothers have not protected or asked me anything …. wgybis this? I would never do this to them if they were in trouble. Why are they so nothing to help? It’s cruel. It’s hurtng my mom and dad too

  • bola.odulate@gmail.com'
    Rania
    July 11, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    I have a question for you. I have come across Katherine Woodward Thomas’ book about Calling In The One before. I put it to the back of my mind for now because I don’t feel ready for that stage yet. I am looking to build a healthy new community.

    But in this video, you seem to describe applying Katherine’s advice to evolving each of your friendships. Is that the case? Could I in fact use Ms. Thomas’ book to help me with building community? Do tell!

    Much love,
    Rania

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2018

      Hi Rania,

      Absolutely part of Katherine’s course is about healing our essential relationships other than intimate ones.

      I highly recommend her work.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sophmacken@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    August 19, 2018

    Hi Mel
    Thanks so much! I feel like I’m right there. Over the last while my friends have almost completely changed. I’m enjoying some new connections and old connections in new ways sometimes but most of the time I’m a hermit and just hanging out with my numerous animals (which is actually so so nice!). I have been aware I can’t hide away forever but have not had much of an idea or inspiration to do much about it. Sometimes I’m completely trusting the process and other times I feel anxious and embarrassed about being such a loner. I’m still clearing but have also had heaps of days feeling really happy and energised and proud of myself. I feel like I do have a block around new friends and connections and cannot imagine having another relationship, although I know one day I hope it is possible for me too.

    Thanks again Mel. Have a lovely day!

    Love Sophie 🌷🐦💜🍓🌈🌼

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 19, 2018

      Hi Sophie,

      Truly sweetheart if you keep targeting and shifting the painful feelings and even confusions you have named, you will keep feeling better and better (you’ve already done such a great job) and keep moving into Unity Consciousness where greater and deeper and more authentic connections will enter your life!

      You are soooo on the right track. Keep going!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • eedialojam@gmail.com'
    Annon2
    August 30, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks so much for this episode. I am consuming different episodes at my own pace. And I find that way I gain more from each than if I were to just gallop to finish.

    I’ve since discovered all my sisters are narcissistic. ( well, I’ve become hypersensitive to the telling signs and you know I can exaggerate because of that right…) And before this episode I was contemplating ways to withdraw from some of them. But now I know I must work to evolve my relationship with them and others in my life. I must show up as the true me and call out what I will not accommodated from them and invite them to do likewise. I get this. I will work towards this. With these tools I believe I will succeed

    Thanks so much Mel. You are a Godsent to me at the stage of my life’s journey.

    God bless you more.
    Annon2

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2018

      Hi Annon2,

      I am so pleased you are seeking to show up evolving these relationships.

      Then you truly will know who can come with you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lauramarkus2@gmail.com'
    Laurie
    October 1, 2018

    Hi and thank you for this video, it really helped give me perspective and helped me to know that I’m not alone in this experience. I am going through this with a family member at the moment. I stated that he crossed a boundary and it was hurtful for me. It didn’t go well and he responded with name-calling, and judging. In stead of getting hooked in by his reaction, I’m observing. It hurts a bit because it was someone I looked up to. But I know it’s ok to let it go or let it become a downgraded connection. I don’t have to allow that in my life any more. I get to choose my values, and I get to choose the kind of energy I want bring to my life and surround myself with.

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