Spiritual narcissism is one of the most confusing, insidious and dangerous types of narcissistic abuse.

Gosh, even I fell for it twice!

Narcissists gravitate towards areas where A-grade narcissistic supply is easy to obtain; frighteningly, many of them realise how being in a position of authority, via spirituality or religion, is the perfect way to be above reproach and have a free ticket to mine people for acclaim, attention, and resources.

Even if you haven’t encountered a spiritual narcissist before, they can be incredibly difficult to read, as well as incredibly alluring.

And naturally, this can be a big trap after your first narcissistic abuse experience, when you want to seek out people who are more spiritually connected and conscious.



Episode transcript

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am going to explain to you what a spiritual narcissist is, what they do, how to spot them and how we can heal from them. Even if you have never been abused by a spiritual narcissist, please know there are people in this community who have encountered them as the second of beyond narcissist in their life – so this information is pretty important to know!

I remember personally when I met narcissist number 1, I was so mesmerized by his spiritual slant. His interest in Red Indian artefacts and his seemingly spiritual beliefs and applications to life. This was a huge draw card for me! Back then, I thoroughly believed that if someone was ‘spiritual’ it meant that they were a really good person, and someone who could be trusted to treat others with care, honesty and respect.

I’m not the only one who thought this and who has been taken down by someone who is a spiritual narcissist. And, I fell for it again with narcissist number 2. Another supposed ‘spiritual’ guy who was also into personal development!


The Different Types of Spiritual Narcissists

Since this time, I have been connected into this community with many people who have been abused by spiritual or religious narcissists – ranging all the way from church ministers and worshippers who have incredible scripture knowledge, through to Eastern and personal development gurus and an endless assortment of spiritual healers and followers.

The moral to this story is two-fold – narcissists can be found in any walk of life, even those that seem to be in positions of decency and spirituality or even holy purity, and just because someone is a practitioner of consciousness, religion, spirituality or healing, does not necessary means that they are – at their core – a healthy, safe or decent person.

One of the Christian community members once said this about this topic: ‘I think it’s VERY important to mention that the church is certainly not immune from narcissists and like all narcissists, the ones at church cause immense and excruciating pain and damage.’

And, what can be so confusing and painful is that the church’s process may be to pray for the relationship and the narcissistic person and stay connected to them. I have met many people being abused by narcissists caught up in this bind, not feeling supported by the church to leave this person, whilst systematically being abused, smeared and triangulated by the narcissist within the church structures.

I truly don’t believe God or any version that you believe to be a Higher Power condones abuse. My Christian girlfriend had this to say about the same: ‘Please know that God himself never demands anyone stay in abuse and He has, in fact, called us to live in PEACE (1 Cor 7) which is the opposite of abuse. If married to a spiritually abuse Narc you are not bound as the marriage covenant has been destroyed through unrepentant abuse.’

Thankfully what I have observed, as a result of Christian community members working with NARP, that there have been many abused by religious spouses who have been able to break away from the abuser and fully heal, as well as make amends with the church, or find another church where they have been welcomed with open arms.


How Narcissists Use Spirituality And Religion As A Guise To Hurt You

Why is it actually NOT unusual for narcissists to infiltrate positions such as religious leaders and prominent spiritual positions? It’s this: narcissists gravitate to positions of leadership whereby they have audiences or followers because this is where they can glean narcissistic supply – the adoration, attention, and acclaim that narcissists crave.

This person may have a huge presence, a congregation or devotees and be incredibly well know in their field, yet the private and the public persona don’t match. Additionally, it is human conditioning to trust and believe in our leaders, and because this person has the trust of people they may not just be abusing people in their private lives, they may also abuse their followers or clients in any number of ways. This can be easy for them to do undetected because often people seek spiritual relief because they are vulnerable and spiritual leaders tend to be above reproach more than most people.

Spiritual abuse is incredibly insidious because when we believe that we are in the hands of the Divine, we are so open and trusting. Almost with a childlike innocence, the brutality of the abuse can feel like we are a lamb led to a slaughter. This is consistent whether this person is a parent, family member, a love partner, or your healer, guru or preacher.

Where narcissists are very dangerous and use formidable weapons to abuse with, is when spiritual or biblical verses are used and twisted into whatever argument is necessary for them to prove a point, reduce the victim and gain superiority and control over them.

One Christian community member shared this about this topic: These people possess a toxic faith which is twisted and they engage in deep spiritual abuse. Using the bible as a weapon to control, hurt and shame, rather than to inspire and encourage. Twisting Scriptures out of context is common, and using the bible to silence by instilling fear and terror are some of the methods.

Religious and spiritual narcissists alike will tell you they are right because they are spiritual and that you are wrong because you are not at their level of spirituality and connection to God / The Universe yet.

Spiritual narcissists may also use spiritual jargon supposedly directly from God or the Universe as a means to love-bomb you. Saying things like, ‘I saw you in a dream where I was told that you were my soul mate’, and ‘I had a vision and was told to pursue you because It’s God’s will for us to be together.’

If we are mesmerised by this person’s supposed or real spiritual knowledge and skills, and totally trusting of them, we may believe this to be true and think Divinity knows best! and go along with this even if our gut is squirming to the contrary inside us.

The huge contradiction with spiritual narcissists is that they may have incredible head knowledge about their religion or healing path, yet they don’t embody these things in their own life. They certainly don’t practice what they preach and can be incredibly righteous and even damning and hugely judgemental of others. Of course, often as a projection of what they do themselves.


How To Break Free From A Spiritual Narcissist

Okay, so this is the thing, if you are suffering abuse from a spiritual narcissist, you have to start trusting your inner being rather than what an authority is telling you. This is the age of awakening where so many of us are empowering ourselves via our inner being and information that we can freely seek ourselves, rather than what we have been told to believe.

So many of us are doing this now, whether it be regarding health and diet, financial freedom, relationships – whatever it is – so many of the old paradigms are crumbling and they need to.

I am not saying that we should be throwing out religion or spirituality – I just really do believe that our Inner Being is our truest connection to God (or whether your version of a Higher Power is), so if you feel uneasy or if something feels wrong, back yourself, investigate and confront, and above all trust yourself. If you are in the presence of a spiritual or religious person where your feel shamed, abused or violated – this says it all – it isn’t right or healthy for you.

This is the biblical verse about this: ‘Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.’ (Matthew 7:15 New International Version.)

As one of my Christian friends, who worked with NARP to free herself from a terribly insidious spiritual narcissist said, ‘Your spirit, intuition and discernment will almost always show you the truth and the more you know the Truth, the more you’ll be able to spot the counterfeit. Spotting and discerning it is not enough. Without healing the inner wounds and beliefs one can logically KNOW something isn’t right here, however knowing won’t set you free, only inner healing will.’

That’s so, so true, like with all narcissistic abuse, it’s the inner transformational work on our wounds that allows us to survive and then Thrive as we go forward after abuse.

So, if this relates to you or someone you love, this terrible trauma of spiritual abuse, don’t dismay because there is powerful healing and life after spiritual abuse, available for you.

The first step to access relief, clarity and healing is to sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, where we start shifting your trauma out, a set of eBooks and lots more.

And, as always I look forward to responding to your comments and questions.

So until next time… keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do


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138 thoughts on “How To Spot A Spiritual Narcissist

  1. Yes! The Narc in my life still confuses me at times by his seemingly spiritual outlook and interest in self growth! I have been duped by him more times then I can remember as at times he has had me considering if he is actually the best person I know rather then then the emotional vampire his actions have proved time and time again. Thank you for discussing this Melanie!!

    1. sherryshriner.com, see Evidence about the false apostle Paul/Saul–the Book of Corinthians in New Testament is lies, lies, lies mixed in with truth. This is how Lucifer and his minions, of which the false apostle Paul was one, works to deceive us. Tear out all Books of Paul the false apostle from your Holy Bibles. What does Yahushuah (‘jesus christ’) – The Only Begotten Son of Yahuah (God), Yahushuah is Our Saviour’s Holy Hebrew Name. Look Yahushuah’s Words up in The Twelve Apostles of Yahushuah for all References From The Most High God, Yahuah. Also, please begin now, to Day, to study the Old Testament Laws of Moses. Yahushuah Is The Law. Learn, therefore, the Laws of Yahuah Through His Prophet Moses, and you will ever be protected from Psychopaths and Narcissists–the Tares of the Holy Bible of which Yahushuah Warns us. Thank you very much Melanie for referencing your Yahuah-fearing friend in this video installment. May Yahuah Bless and Keep you and your friends In His Holy Hands and Heart. To all of you with eyes to see and ears to hear: Yahuah Knows our hearts! Pray to Yahushuah for the Truth in All Things, and Yahuah Will Give you the Truth.

    2. Sophie and all: In case this helps, there’s a book, The Sociopath Next Door (Martha Stout, Ph.D.), that nailed part of this for me and described my sometime-boyfriend-of-three-years, a covert sometimes overt, newly divorced narc law professor (with authority over students and research assistants…) trying to have his cake and eat it too. The book said these people announce (using disarming vulnerability as a tool) that they were put upon by life and they ingratiate themselves with empathic people by appealing to our sympathy. They impress upon us their incredible investment in self-growth, talk too much about themselves without providing generous reciprocal care steadily for us. To inoculate yourself,
      1) self-partner the MTEvans way and
      2) avoid taking pride in the idea that you can ‘help’ or ‘save’ someone or ‘just help them see’ so that their life can be better … and (dangerous thought whether conscious or unconscious) so they can be the partner you want and deserve.
      3) avoid hero-worshipping anyone who says they can ‘save’ you or ‘show you the way’ or they wish you would ‘evolve’ (to their dysfunctional self-serving view) so you can be with them … *if they make such claims, beware.
      4) journal for your data collection and periodic analysis: does this man/woman reciprocate in who is receiving focus and energy, ask about me, boost me up privately and in the presence of others, introduce me into their world, transparently share who they are and who is in their life, talk and act consistently *(so important), gracefully deal with faults (mine and theirs), do their own ‘work’ (psychic work, self-evolution) rather than taxing my energy with their work — leaving me drained so they can go off and enjoy or draw in others?
      In terms of clergy, I’ve been betrayed by them too. A narc female priest took over our “Big Apple” church and systematically shut down and pushed out many.
      How can you spot narc priests? Thoughts: “Her” (because she treats it as hers, not God’s) parish web site has been transformed … largely password protected against non-members (no one can see what she is or is not doing even though it is supposed to be God’s house); the photos that are visible have a weird proportion that are things, not people (she prides herself an art expert); and the bios of clergy and staff are oddly devoid of information for most people or minimal, while her bio is by comparison gluttonous, aggrandizing, career and credential focused, instead of heart-spirit-and-servant-of-God oriented. (She is a climber invested in visibility in the church’s hierarchy).
      Take heart! Since you cannot go where God is not — because God is everywhere and unowned –then you know you can speak heart and truth to power … and to your fellow parishioners if you need their pastoral care (since it is impossible for a narc to give genuine care). You also know that you can LEAVE and still have GOD. Sometimes God calls us for some or all of this:… to leave; to speak truth to power; to help others see and speak truth in their own time and way; and to seed courage, vulnerability, greater transparency and generous-hearted, positive change in a new parish. It’s best to care for yourself well first and throughout the journey forward — but this is all possible.

  2. My ex-wife was a Sunday School teacher in our church for the entire 15 years that we were married. I never in a million years would have imagined that this person would have cheated on me, lied to me, verbally and emotional abused me, and left me so many times I can’t even recall it all. And I’m so grateful for it all, because I could still be living in that hell, and may have never found my way here. Thank God she left no stone unturned in destroying my life!
    It does make it very difficult to trust “religious” or “spiritual” people. I’ve thoroughly learned the lesson to rely in and trust my own heart and soul and to develop a deep and very personal spiritual life. I allow others to do the same or not, it makes no difference to me. I am responsible for me and to me, and no one else, and I believe this is true for everyone else. I do believe we are all connected, yet my compassion involves me and only me. Understanding that as I continue to heal and evolve, in some way I am helping others to heal and evolve. I do not need to do anymore than that, nor do I need someone else to lead or guide me in my own evolution.
    Without question, “thank you” for all that you do. You have no idea how this has changed me. Well, you probably do, but I’m sure you get the point. Lol

    1. What you’re saying here feels so right. I cannot imagine the sense of betrayal you went through and my heart goes out to you, but if it resulted in this kind of clarity- what you’re writing – then you are blessed. David

    2. Michael…I was also married to a spiritual narcissist for 15 years – found NARP in 2013 in the throws of pre-divorce. I can now say that I am thriving! I have found that “trust” is more of an egoic feeling; seeking TRUTH is what it is all about…a direct pathway to True Self. Remember who you are and embrace that beautiful little one inside that no longer needs outside approval!
      Been waiting for this article for 5 years, Melanie!
      Spot ON!
      Oregon, USA

    3. Thanks so much of sharing your thoughts with us. After 15 years of a nightmare I finally woke up. My heart is full of Love and trust for myself. I do my inner work day after day and I will survive this and even better: I am free. My prayers, wishes, hugs and compassion to every single person around me who is celebrating birth after feeling dead.

  3. Spot on!

    My family of origion with my narcissistic Mother and unavailable abusive Father drove me to Move out of the house at 17. After living on my own for a year, an offer to join a “home based reasearch and teaching ministery” found its way to my door step. I cant describe the living hell I endured havng been involved with this group. Luckly i figured it out how horrible it was and moved on, but the long term effects and guilt, haunted me for many years afterwards…

    I could write a novel about the hell I have endured from my childhood through my “cult” expierence and my marriages. How ever, after years of therepy and learning how to spot the triggers that draw me into these relationships, I am finally moving forward to a new beginning. At the age of 56, with my Mother dying and realising my sister is also a narcissist and the “golden child” my black sheep/scapegoat self, is finally free of all the ties that boumd me to these tormented people. My parents were immigrants, and my sister is my only family. It can be truely frightening to be so alone with out any support, but life is a journey? .. Right!

    I have a clean slate to start over and am looking forward to see what I can glean from the balance of my life.

    I Have listned to these videos for a long time now and they have been a tremendous help in my recovery.

    Thank you Melanie!

    1. Ann, so sad to hear that your Mom is NOT doing well. It is so difficult for us black sheep children to go through this with our Mom’s. We love them so much & they need us during their difficulties, it doesn’t make it any easier.
      I have been both the golden child & the black sheep. Although it might be hard to understand, both ways are equally as hard. It’s overwhelming! I also have the same situation with 2 sisters. I don’t speak to one & don’t plan on it going forward & the other I speak to however I can’t trust her. You can not build on a relationship where there is no trust & definitely no respect. I doubt either one of them Care & I spent way too much time bending over backwards for them with no appreciation. I have strangers do more for me then they would.
      Best wishes going forward, be strong & know you deserved to be loved for all that you are! 💖🌻✌

    2. You did it and you are still young. With the knowledge you have now. I am 74. Your story cauld be mine. Learned a yr ago about the Narcissist, it is a fact all my family were Narcissistic , l have now realized l was duped, also a cult, got out after 10 yrs. Standing back now, whatever time is left l am more at peace than l have ever been. N/C 1yr now with my only child an adult of 50age wize. Yes to have no back up in old age if you need it isfrightening , you do feel alone, but then hasn’t that always been so. I have and will continue to do so give my fears to God. He has neveret me down.

    3. Good for you Ann! Keep on your path to freedom to be you! I too was the black sheep/scapegoat in my religious family and left home at 17. My mother and father were both emotionally unavailable to me. I have been on my own ever since. Several times I got involved with men and marriage thinking I would find love and completeness with a partner, but now I am free of that and realized it is up to me to love myself! No one else is going to do it for me! I know what it’s like to feel like you are all alone in the world. But remember God and The Great Mother are always there watching over you and when you need support you just need to ask! And I also met a loving dog who has actually been the best partner I have ever had who loves me unconditionally! Animals make great true friends!
      I love being single and I am free to do whatever I want with my life.

  4. I know of three spiritual narcissist (gurus), two of them I was following. They were very charismatic which resulted from the fact that they had no conscience. They justified every abuse (sexual, money etc.) in it was for the higher benefit of their disciples. Everything they did was justified for the higher purpose. One of those gurus after having had sexual contact with a young woman dropped her afterwards and she was so devastated believing God had left her that she committed suicide!

  5. I totally relate having been married for seven years to someone presenting himself as my “Spiritual Teacher” and the abuse all for my “evolution.” I was deeply confused and thought I was going insane for so long. I am beyond grateful for NARP and the community here. I have always felt since I was a child that there is more for me and I feel the gift within this experience so strongly. I have a sense that I am healing for the collective, not just for me and I HAVE to do this. I also WANT this evolution, graduation and to share this gift with all of my being. I am grateful and relieved to finally be here, deeply healing the inner wounds that had me attract and stay in the situation. Thank you Mel for this episode and thank you for your commitment to your own journey and for pioneering this incredible work, deep respect and love xxx

  6. I fell into the trap of a spiritual narcissist about 8 years ago. Though the relationship was that of friendship and not romantic at all, I’ve still been healing. This individual was someone I viewed as a sister and best friend and she used all her tactics to put me down and left me depleted of confidence, all while making it seem like the ending of our friendship was my fault. There was so much more hurt, but I’m trying to move on from it. It still saddens me to know that she is using others for her supply, (via internet platform) but there is nothing I can say or do.. her tactics are too strong. I’m just thankful she no longer “needed” me and I was able to break away. Now I’m rebuilding my self-confidence and strengthening myself in every aspect of my life. I am glad to now be able to recognize some signs so as to hopefully keep myself from another situation like that again.

  7. I think in a way I am a victim of spiritual narcissism. I was born to white South African parents who grew up under an Apartheid regime. They immigrated to Australia after I was born where I grew up (I am now 60), but the damage was done… I have always thought Apartheid generated damaged and broken people on both sides of its ugly divide… And as I have come to understand narcissism, can now name it as a narcissistic regime – in fact, a ‘spiritual narcissist’ regime: Apartheid justified its existence by using the Bible and its scriptures, only taking passages out of context that justified its ongoing abuse. Tragically practices such as this have been used by organizations all over the world to violate and control people.

    Sadly all people who grew up in South Africa where deeply contaminated by this regime-based abuse either becoming an echo of the regime: becoming narcissists, or becoming deeply codependent and damaged. I have one of each as parents. I did not get the direct spiritual righteousness from the Narc, I just got the hand-me-down: righteousness!

    Thanks for your insights!

      1. Thanks, Mel – I so appreciate your support… yes one person at a time.

        I have been doing NARP close to a month and am finding it helpful. I have found the above sort of comment has not always been taken too well so have posted here in this public forum under a different name…

  8. After my first narcissistic husband, I went to Japan to teach English and heal my heart, and find out more about a culture I was curious about. I fell head over heals for a very attractive Buddhist priest. I was totally taken by his persona, his desire to help those less fortunate etc etc.
    Eventually we married, he got his ticket to North America, and the hidden face of him appeared. I was belittled and made to feel like a failure over and over again, then told how much he loved me. He insulted me in front of my friends, and got angry at me for breaking rules that I was expected to understand by “reading the air.” He told me of ways he abused others with his power and control, and eventually tried to break my ties with my own family. His hypocrisy was without limits, and double-standards were his standard. Eventually I realized how racist and culturally superior he saw himself. When the abuse became physical, he tried to choke me. I later learned this is the most difficult kind of abuse to detect, because it leaves no physical marks. He was incredibly cheap within our marriage, but did not hesitate to spend over $30,000 USD on a legal suit trying to force me to return to where we lived.
    At first I was angry at a therapist I saw who informed me I was being abused and threaten to call the Child Protective Agency if I didn’t leave. I endured shelter life, and started a new life with only a couple of suitcases with my son. But now, almost 2 years later, I couldn’t be more grateful for that therapist, and for Melanie and her healing work. I am beginning to thrive and find myself again, but reaching out to a spiritual community still feels very scary.

  9. Mel:

    I am so glad you are addressing this subject. I truly believe that God or our higher power does not want us to make an idol out of marriage or enable another person to abuse us in any way. I also believe anyone that tells us that we should is not healthy spirititually nor listening to their higher power. As you said investigate and lean in to your higher power he/she will give you the strength to leave the situation.

  10. Thank you dear Melanie! I appreciate you taking the time to study narcissist abuse. This particular topic is deeply needed in our world. Spiritual/religious abuse is my 24 year story. I thought I had to stay and be a good wife. I’m free now and so are 5 of my 6 children….the one daughter still thinks when her daddy speaks God himself has said it. What would be a way to reach her?

    1. Hi Gina,

      To reach our children it really is about healing ourselves in relation to how we feel About them.

      Our power is within. I’d you google my name + our children you will find the many topic I have created about this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  11. Dear Melanie,
    Thank you for addressing this type of narcissist! They are incredibly deceptive and because of their altruistic nature it is very hard to spot them outright. In fact many people still support them because they don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. When I was discarded by my narcissistic pastor boyfriend, it was more devastating than any other break up. We both thought it was God’s will for us to be together, until he decided he heard from God and it wasn’t anymore. For a year and a half, I watched him lie, cheat and swindle good people out of their money, all the while mentally abusing me with anger, control and manipulation. I would never tolerate this behavior from anyone else yet because he was in the ministry, I made excuses for him. I thought his ministry was my platform in which God would use my gifts and talents to help other people. I couldn’t break free b/c of the lie of “God’s will”. He eventually aborted me and later I found out it was for a 30 year old girl in a Canadian church he’d been having an affair with. I still took him back and he dumped me again for an organist in another church whom he married within 5 months.

    Thankfully, I found your website and began to read your blogs and watch Thriver TV. I began to see I was involved with a narcissist. I began to heal with Quanta Healing. And I’m happy to report that after a year, I have a wonderful relationship with a man who is not into religion yet he reflects the love of God more than anyone I’ve ever met. I am now using those gifts and talents (that I thought were meant for the Narc’s ministry) to launch my own life coaching practice! I’m thriving on so many levels. Thank you for the work you do!!! I’m ever so grateful!!

  12. In 3 John, the beloved apostle who reclined on Christ’s chest wrote –

    “9 I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say. 10 For this reason, if I come, I will call attention to his deeds which he does, unjustly accusing us with wicked words; and not satisfied with this, he himself does not receive the brethren, either, and he forbids those who desire to do so and puts them out of the church.”

    Sadly narcissists have been involved spiritually from the beginning. Have been involved in a church split which in hindsight appears to have invovled a narcissist. Just recently tried to associate with a small religious organization that I received bad vibes and a curious dream about, involving loss. I am aware that smaller fringe religion tends to have those who like to control – appear very much as sheep with concern, yet are wolves.

  13. Yes! After ending a 6 month relationship with a covert narcissist, I threw myself into personal development, particularly martial arts. I began training harder and harder and developing a bond with my instructor, who turned out to be exactly this type of spiritual narcissist! He never targeted me romantically but, once the mask dropped, set out to use and abuse me in every way he possibly could (all the while banging on about how “spiritual” he was) and I ended up taking moving back home with my parents and taking out an AVO (and lots of medication!)

  14. My ex-husband Narc hoovered back in after leaving him 8 months prior. He came back under the guise of “working on himself” and reconnecting with our church. He was remorseful, apologetic and accountable. We agreed to go forward, not go backwards and enjoy each other. Start fresh and make God a priority in our lives. Lol. Within a couple months he slipped back to the same insidious abusive human ever and even worst. He gave me my first ever silent treatment for 5 days on the eve of a vacation that I booked and paid for. I sat in a beautiful beach house all by myself in excruciating pain not knowing what the hell happened? I was pathetic, within hours I was apologizing for anything and everything….just for a response from him. It never changes with them. I am on day 4 of no contact. Hard as hell….I discovered Melanie last night. Thank you!

  15. I think about the psychological development of children, from infancy and onward. Parents are a chld’s first gods. If parents are narcissistic, then the child’s sense of divinity is narcissistic as well, but gets translated into “Something-Is-Wrong-With-Me” in the child’s mind and heart. This MUST go this way as the child needs his/her parents to emotionally/psychologically survive. My goal is to get to my true inner light, which is my connection to Divinity. This is hard gonig for me right now. Thanks so much for your talk on this Melanie. You are truly a gift.

  16. I was married 44years to a spiritual narcissist. I had so much trust in his integrity that never once in the 44years did I think he’d lie, cheat or have an affair. We attended church together weekly, he studied the Bible daily, led meaningful bible studies routinely in our home, prayed beautiful prayers, attended an accountability group. Not only did he seem spiritual but his career as an FBI agent gave him great training to lie well. His job was always the excuse given to shame and guilt me into compliance. When I discovered the affair some told me that I should humble myself and honor my husband, be more attentive, listen better to his needs, work on my communication skills and forgive over and over. Our church offers free counseling to its members–for which I’m very grateful–and my counselor labeled him correctly from the very beginning, basically telling me to ignore the wrong advice. Counseling gave me the correct term to do more research and how I found the NARP program. I did NARP and counseling simultaneously– and would probably still be in traditional talk therapy if it hadn’t been for NARP. I’m thankful for all the info NARP provides to make known these ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing’ and for healing at the quantum level. I hope to pass on the info to make it well-known.

  17. Yep, I went on a spiritual retreat to get away from the narcissistic abuse of a neighbour only to find that the “enlightened” leader was a narcissist. A very cleaver one.

    1. I fell in love with a woman pastor of a small fellowship after I had been counseling with her for three months. In all, I saw her every two or three weeks for nine months. She planted herself in front of me in the kitchen at the Christmas party when I was alone, and invited me to kiss her cheek, which I did. As we were all leaving she looked so exhausted, my heart went out to her. Yes, I’m an empath. She is overweight, diabetic and has a slight head tremor, all of which aroused my compassion. Her face is beautiful, lovely skin. She dresses extremely well. In counseling, she decided that my loving her was Transference, so we talked about inner child work. It was difficult. I know I needed to do that work, but also, I was in love with her. I began to write the most beautiful poetry, kind of like Shams and Rumi, except that I was the Ancient Child and she was the Divine Mother. I asked her to hold me against her breasts, she did, three times, but she was not present, like she dissociated. As an empath I know people’s energies. After the first time, she gave me the silent treatment, but she came around. I think she was afraid of her feelings. One time she wanted to take my time to see someone else. I was devastated! I thought she was abandoning me. But it was only for the one appointment. I was very vulnerable. But she took me in her arms and I felt this deep compassion from her. It was genuine. I told her. “I only saw you twice.” That was once, and another time when she shared something personal with me. We talked about many things, especially spiritual, which I enjoyed because she is an intelligent woman, nearly always charming, seemed interested and caring. Excellent speaker. She knew how to do covert hypnosis, was very attuned to me, and vice versa. I would watch at gatherings how she knew someone would have something to say before they spoke. I would see her moving her chess pieces around the board on Sunday morning before the service. She had them eating out of her hand. I once went up to the podium to share something personal and everyone applauded. It didn’t seem appropriate. But she had been working their subconscious minds for four years. Often, she threw into her talk how she came from a long line of academics. Her major was anthropology. She was also a scientist as well as a Unity minister. (Did not know anything about client confidentIality!). She also said that she was proud of herself when her kids reached 18, she had never abused them. I heard lies, statements made but with a subtle twist. I saw how she played one against the other, trying to create jealousy in me. Three people left a group because she talked down to them. She was outright rude to another teacher who knew a lot. She hated to be wrong, especially when I quoted a British poet to her. She believed that she had access to all information and knew everything. She was well-educated and well-read.
      I had no idea there was a name to her behavior, until someone said to me that she was a narcissist. I read up on it. I was devalued and discarded after she triangulated me with another woman. She kicked me out of the fellowship to save face. Her congregation and other organizations in Lane County are her supply. My problem was that I did not know what it was to be loved, and now I see that she did not know what it was to BE loved. I told her that (in the New Thought teachings) there was a call for Love, and I showed up! She never really acknowledged my poetry. But you know, now that I am getting over it, it was mostly a marvelous experience for me. I was needy, lonely and sad. The experience gave me Light, Love and Creativity. I went through all of Katherine Kubler-Ross’ stages of loss–Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining (with myself), and am coming into Acceptance. I have been NC for two months and doing a lot of inner child work. She still connects with me psychically, but I tell her to get out! Once in a while I am deeply touched by her energy. My best friend who has known me for 30 years says, “Than God for Dr.****! The experience is finally making me do the work! The pastor is 70, and I am a 76-year-old woman.
      I feel so much better being able to write this. Who else could I tell that would believe it? Thank you Melanie!
      PS. In all the considerable literature I have read about Narcissism, only three times have I seen anything kind, compassionate or understanding about narcissists. They are portrayed as vicious psychopaths unworthy of any kindness or compassion. Sometimes downright hate is projected on to them. How did they get to be the way they are? Same as the empath–abusive, uncaring, neglectful parents! When you heal your own hurt, please give a thought to theirs.

  18. Yup‼️🤮 My last relationship biggest Narc ever, 13 years sober in AA, flaunts his knowledge of staying sober and thinks he’s a big shot in the recovery community. He was Abusive and hugely active in Sex and love addiction and the biggest narc ever‼️‼️

  19. oh the timing….i just found out tonight that my ex husband of 21 years, who was a pastor, church teacher, and ‘christian’, just got engaged to a woman 20 years younger…it has been a bit rough today, as i have not met a decent man, not really dating, so i am feeling alone….and asking God where he/she is in all this. He was a cerebral/somatic combo, highly intelligent. Narc 2 was a somatic criminal, lol. I guess I like variety!!! ha! I encounter the cross and the gosple, and am doing the deep inner work.

    I got a ride in a cab home tonight, and the driver was telling me he has had it with friends who only want him for his money, and he only wants friends in his life that are true. I felt like the angels were surrounding me, and reminding me, that I am not truly alone. Faith sometimes requires a season of walking through ones’ dark night of the soul, and when it seams like those who have harmed you are thriving, to not allow that message seduce you back in to the illusion that you are the one being left in the dust. My courage and strength, God’s gifts, will carry me through to a place where truly authentic real relationships are not only a possibility, but a reality. This journey is sometimes very painful, but I am determined to keep discovering the most important love, and that is with myself first, and that can only come as I encounter it in the light of an amazing Creator, who values me beyond measure.

  20. THANK YOU for sharing Melanie! I was married for 30 years to a “Christian” Narcissistic personality disordered man. After he became physically violent to me, I left and went no contact. I drove away with no education or finances, but had freedom and safety. He immediately began the smear campaign and remained very close to our good friends that were the pastor of our church. He continued to greet people as they arrived to church, held babies and cried to anyone willing to listen. The classic victim. I lost my entire life and ended up in therapy. I loved my church family and know that they are good hearted followers of Jesus, but totally uneducated and unaware of narcissism, therefore they are prime targets and being greatly, unknowingly manipulated. I cannot have contact with any of them because of what you described. He “owns” them all. I was told for years to “pray” and be a better wife. Even with the pastor knowing he was abusive to my older son his entire growing up. Everyone buys my husband act even though he spent time in a mental hospital (another long story!) I am still grieving the loss, I still just want to go home and sleep in my own bed some days. I wonder if I’ll ever recover, I finally have a part time job after a year of looking. But have so much anxiety, I’m not sure how long I’ll keep it. I am now living with my 82 yr old mother after she also lost everything….it’s a long story also…. This is the short version!

    Through it all, I hold to my faith. And when I lose my grip, God holds onto me. I know that He never intends for anyone to be deceived or abused in any way, ever. I am still working through all of this but, Like you said, there are truly “sheep in wolves clothing”, unfortunately. God, in His great love for me, set me free from slavery to a sinister soul. There are so many verses in the Bible that support this and we must keep our eyes wide open. The word says, “you’ll know them by their fruits” in other words, watch their actions, if they don’t line up with their words, something is wrong! And it’s not YOU! Although some may deceive, don’t let one bad apple spoil the bunch. There are amazing, loving truly Christ followers out there, because there is God that LOVES us and He is light and TRUTH!

    Thank you again for sharing all your knowledge, support and encouragement. You’ve taught me so much and helped through the darkest time of my life. You’re an angel, I’m so grateful. Stand firm in the light and continue to fight the good fight. Blessings, jodi

  21. I’ve been working the modules for 4 months now and am getting better everyday. This blog came just in time. My religious narc showed up on my doorstep a couple hours ago, after several weeks of no contact (I’ve been escaped from him for 5 months now). He showed up preaching the good word and being remorseful and saying he’s changed and has gotten the devil out of him and to please come back so we can live as one for the Lord. This is the same man who changed the locks on our house and put me and my 10 year old son on the street with nothing after I confronted him yet again about his gambling issues and lying about where he’d been. He turned off my phone and blocked me from contacting him. After 4 weeks of silence, he reached out to see if I’d learned my lesson yet about questioning my husband and said I could come home if I promised to act right. Thankfully, I found NARP during those 4 weeks. I didn’t go back. He is beside himself that I am not there. Good riddance. My God is an awesome God who delivered me from that toxic abuse.

  22. My mother was one. A pillar of the church who was revered as a saint. She would pray for the sick and those in need and her church community thought her to be perfect. But to us at home she was cruel and unkind. I was lucky as I had an 8 year relationship with a girl with NPD. I didn’t know it at the time, it was only when I caught her cheating on me and went to a therapist who spotted her personality within 30 mins of me describing her and our relationship. This led me to your writings and tv shows and suddenly everything made sense. All the crazy things in our relationship which I ignored or explained away. This opened the door to me finally understanding my narcissistic mother and distancing myself from her. When she died last year one of her church friends rang me to say that ‘an angel has been taken to heaven’. There was no point in putting him or anyone else in the church, right on this as they simply wouldn’t believe me or would think me wicked for slandering her good name. I know the truth though and to me that is all that matters. You are quite correct as religion is the perfect cover. To anyone reading who has been hoodwinked I’d say you are not alone. Believe in yourself, accept help, as it’s so much harder to heal alone and in time it really is possible to emerge from the world of the tortured into the sunlight and fresh air.
    Thank you Mel
    You really have helped me to change my life.

    1. Hi Paul,

      How beautiful you could detach from needing others to know the truth.

      Thank you for your beautiful and inspirational note to all, and please know you are so welcome.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  23. Thanks for this today! My narc husband just threw scripture at me & told me I have a black heart & will stand before God for my evilness. Also the head of a large Charismatic Catholic prayer group I have attended weekly for 11 years recently revealed his ego / narcissist nature. I finally realized who he is & why his wife has been ill with fatigue & other somatic issues for over 20 years. A light bulb moment of clarity!

  24. Love the video–thank you, Melanie! My ex-narcissist used to tell me “revelations” that he had received from God that only served to justify his cruel behavior. For example, after some serious physical injuries that left me disabled, he would get upset if I was ever sad or struggling with my situation. Then he would tell me that he kept “praying for compassion” for me, but that it wasn’t coming, and that he had realized that this was because God was telling him that he wasn’t supposed to have compassion for me, because then I wouldn’t be FORCED to change my behavior; and God wanted it changed!! He considered himself the “instrument” of God forcing me to change!

    He also told me that God had told him that it was ok to lie to me when “I couldn’t handle the truth.” HA! So ridiculous…but I was so confused at the time that I didn’t know how to handle this type of spiritual abuse!

    I am SO GRATEFUL that I learned what was going on and have been able to establish No Contact and work on healing and loving myself! What a blessing and a miracle–also to realize that God really loves and knows me individually. I know that He led me to this website, and I have grown immensely from the truths that I have learned here. Thank you!!

    1. Oh gosh Annie,

      I couldn’t help but laugh out loud st some of his ‘God messages!’

      That’s so good you are out of the fog now Dear Lady, and I’m so pleased I could help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  25. It is just great, Melanie, that you explaining this! Indeed, my ex-husband thinks he is the best man on earth – he is a “buddhist” now and just last week he tried to make me feel bad because I “reacted” on something he would not react on…. trying to let me know that he is just “more enlightened”! But I know it better…..
    Love and hugs for all suffering from this!

  26. My experience with an “energy healer (stealer)” almost did me in. I am still struggling but am grateful to be over suicidal ideation. Let’s face it, there is no end to their need to take you down, they see you the empath as the internal-projected-outward vulnerability they are trying to destroy. They rely on positions of authority to bolster denial of their actions and to further admonish the very hard truth. If we are here on this planet to self determine, than what an exercise of strength, to pull oneself up from such a hell. What horrifies them is that we have light and connection to soul source, and thus have this ability…and they do not, which is ironic since their well manufactured false self claims the opposite. Maybe experiencing such illusionists helps to uncover our deepest narcissistic wounds. There is gold to be found in any difficult experience- yes, my mother was just as cruel, a truth so difficult to bear but a truth so necessary to face. And just like that little child then, you face it alone, where others choose to believe authority, and may even condemn you due to their own denial tendencies. Facing one’s truth and healing with emotional sobriety are steps to thriving, and I am determined to get there. I am not going to let some loser put me in a hole that they pray I can’t get out of. You see how sick they are? Claiming they are healers and acting to destroy. They are the worst bottom feeders for they prey on injured people who come to them with sincere good intent to work on themselves, people who probably learned to blame themselves….so what better prey? And this is what they dish out, more injury and they do it on purpose, because they think they can get away with it. God sees everything, and our truth lies in that sight. We are not to take on their burden. We are not to blame, we were innocent. That is what we gain from such hellish experience. To stop blaming ourselves.

    1. Yes, Nicoleta. That they are above it all and have psychic gifts that God bestowed on them, bcs they are special. And bcs they are special they can act as they see fit, talk about a well bolstered false self. What they do is evil.

  27. Dear Mel, aw this is great!

    I have been hoping for a video on Spiritual narcissism as my whole experience was centred around a spiritual plant medicine community, operating a little like a cult. The narcissist I ended up in relationship with was a well respected energy healer who was also running huge ayahuasca circles. There was a lot of talk around us being soul mates, that we had been together in ‘past lives’ lot of talk of the spirit of the ayahuasca talking to him about us and that he was healing me.

    I came to realise over time, (actually through the ayahuasca communicating with me) that he was not only manipulating and abusing me but his entire group of idolisers, scape goating and humiliating some, smearing, and brain washing.. especially with this strong psychoactive plant medicine. It has been an incredible journey but one which I am so grateful for now and I really have had to honestly look at the part of myself that wanted to be attached to him with all his ‘power’ ‘status’ and ‘plant medicines.’

    My ego was having a field day and boy, did I pay a big price.

    As someone who is very focused on self development this experience and my subsequent journey back to myself via NARP has been so great to stop me handing my power over to others within group New Age spiritual practices. Communities like these are magnets for narcissists as you are right, they are ideal hunting grounds for people that have the traits they look out for, open heartedness, beliefs that everyone is inherently good and can be fixed and healed with enough love, blind trust etc but most importantly, lots of wounds and vulnerabilities and hoards of people who are searching for something!

    Wow, an incredible journey for me which I wouldn’t have missed for the world.

    In terms of the Community I was in, this man has pretty much unravelled, shown his true colours and has had to move on… he upset too many people at the same time, a number of women came forward and the incredible web of illusion he had spun for 15 years was seen for what it was. It has been very devastating for those who saw him as their teacher and attached all their healing and personal transformation to him but in a way, that is still true in the way it is also true for me. AID! The abuse was my biggest teaching and catalyst for my own personal transformation. I was so frightened of him at one point and now I just see him as a really sad, little, quite pathetic creature and have nothing but gratitude for the horrors I experienced with him. I actually feel sorry for him… from a distance!!!!

    Thanks Mel! As aways shining the light on this and I look forward to your next video.

    Love and gratitude

    1. Wow Sammy,

      Thank you so much for your incredible and honest share!

      I really do believe that the beautiful peeps of this Community are learning so much about this topic from the incredible posts of our members like you.

      Sammy I am so thrilled you have powerfully made your way back to you out of the bowels of hell into your True Light.

      Keep shining beautiful Lady!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  28. This is what I went through with my Spiritual Narcissist husband for almost 30 yrs. He was a senior pastor and a high school teacher! He used to caution me not to tell anybody about his behaviours as no one will believe me. To cut long story short, this man was an evil incarnate. I finally confided about his abuse to our bishop thinking he is going to solve our problems but lol, I was chased out of the house like a dog because it was his house as he put it. After a few days he brought a young wife (30 yrs younger than him). Thank God I had support network! Now I live my life and my children followed me after seeing what their dad did (bringing another woman in our home). This was 5 yrs ago and has since retired. He now sends some of his friends to talk to me and that he wants me to go home for reconciliation! I laughed and went offline..

  29. Yes, you hit the nail on the head with this one! As always Mel!

    Look out for those who use spiritual jargon to degrade and judge others. They love throwing their connections in the spiritual community in your face to show how superior they are to you. Anyone they consider mainstream is automatically thrown into their outer circle of contempt and disgust without any attempt being made to know or connect with them. The Gnostic, spiritual and environmental communities can be rife with these people. They love to surround themselves with empaths.

  30. Thank you great Mel, this is a truly important topic and i really needed your video. i have experienced d worst narcissists in the catholic community and i think that it’s also because religions are so fake, they misinterpret spirituality so they misinterpret people as well there 😀


  31. Yes I’m dealing with a spiritual Narcissist . I worked at a church and my Boss wanted me gone so he began his Narcissistic journey hoping I would quit. Stupidly I stayed for a year and a half before trying to confront it to his Boss . You know how that went. I quit and thought they would leave me alone how ever a year and a half later they are still in my life after I cut all communication off with them anyone they are associated with and they still are hurting me. They monitor everything I do say and know everywhere I go. They bug our cell phones our home and they contact anyone and everyone I come in contact with from the clerk at the grocery store I might talk to my mechanic and dog trainer. I cant afford to prove it with the electronic trail they are leaving. They have convinced my family to side with them. What they do is listen to everything I say then have anyone I have contact with repeat those same conversations back to me . For example My daughter and I had a conversation in our car (private) about her being funny and it ok but she is a captain on her college volleyball team so she needed to be herself just make sure the funny is at appropriate times. Well yesterday we saw one of her coaches and he repeated that conversation exactly. So what we said in the car was relayed to him and he made a point to bring it up to me. That’s how they work I guess to let me know they are still listening and in control. I have isolated my self that only works for a little while thy always find a way to get someone to me.

    1. Hi Lisa,

      Truly in the cases of the trauma of stalking, our only recovery is about emerging ourselves to the healing level of ‘not caring’ and being fully ourselves regardless.

      Absolutely that is easier said than done but I promise you it can be achieved, and in your case the only emancipation is freeing yourself regardless of what anyone else or or isn’t doing.

      I hope that this resource of mine can help explain more clearly: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-stalking-narcissist-will-they-ever-leave-you-alone/

      Also I’d love to put you into contact with my free inner healing resources which can help you so much in this situation.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  32. Hi Melanie
    Thank you so much for this article – much appreciated.

    I was raised up in a Christian home -with godly parents. My father (I blessed his influence in my life ) has made it easy for me to relate to God as my Heavenly Father in life. Few years back I migrated overseas and it there my troubles began. Life and its’ challenges were constantly upsetting my paths like a whirlwind . I began to question God about my troubles not realising that He was working things out together for my good .It was a very rough struggle .There were times when my life felt like a dry leaf tossed about by strong winds.
    In desperation I turned to some folks whom I presumed to be spiritual leaders but were proven otherwise. Sadly, not all spiritual leaders stay true to their calling . “Head” knowledge of God without engaging one’s “heart” do cause disengagement in worship. At times I would question the questionable but when it appeared as if I were a trouble-maker – I just stopped for peace-sake .
    I would continue my church attendance but would block my mind from listening during certain spiritual leaders’ private interpretation of the scriptures. This too was not helpful -worship is about praises to God whilst fellowshipping with ones’ fellow believers .
    In February 2018 I decided to break ties with the group and attend another church nearby – the fellowship now is great and the environment one that befits true worshipping God in spirit and in truth.
    The experience has taught me a lot of things but most importantly, to develop a personal relationship with God daily ,to know Him by faith and to understand His ways. He surely rewards those who diligently seek Him when they searched for Him with all their heart.

  33. This was me. Gosh…all the red flags I didn’t acknowledge. So many “light bulbs” going off. “I’ve read the Bible 20 times”, always prayed that God would make him the man He wanted him to be, but the behavior never changed. He’d been an elder at several different churches before we’d met, but there was always an issue that would cause him to leave (externalizing). Then after we’d been married for a while, “This church isn’t right, we need to find a different one.” That’s when I put up a boundary. I’d been attending the church before we met and could definitely tell it wasn’t the church that needed to change. I didn’t even realize what was going on until I got out. I’d never known much about narcissism, much less spiritual narcissism. But it makes so much sense…they gravitate to where the pickings are good! I’d been “wounded” by my church family after my first divorce and consequently, turned to someone who was on my side. Who understood. More like he saw the wounds and found his new supply.

    Oddly enough, he still attends the same church I do, even after trying to get me to leave.

    I’m healing. I’m growing. I’m learning the Truth, so I can “spot the counterfeit”. Taking my time, addressing and dressing the wounds. Not “enjoying” the journey per se, but certainly hopeful for the outcome.

  34. I met my ex-narc husband at church. Such a good, Godly man. He verbally and emotionally abused me, controlled me, had huge anger issues. On the topic of spirituality…Long story short – He wanted to change churches but I didn’t want to because I liked the church, pastor etc and my son was plugged in there. So, my son and I were “of the devil” and “demons”. I can’t tell you how many huge arguments we had about that. I eventually just quit going to church. I’ve tried to go back since the divorce but just can’t. I feel like he ruined it for me. Oh, and God will get me for leaving him. I’m going to rot in hell. God has blessed him with a new girlfriend, only one week after our divorce. Imagine that. And she was someone we used to go to church with.

    1. Kathy,

      I was really wounded by my church family during my first divorce. I was so angry that I would be treated like yesterday’s garbage after attending and serving for 25 years. I didn’t go back to church for a long time. I had so much anger at God because of that…but it wasn’t God. It was man. It took a long time for me to come to that truth. God still wanted me back. He still longed for me to come home. I finally found another church and it has now become my “home”. It’s a wonderful thing when you can look back and see the healing God has done. My narc-ex attends this church (it’s where we first met in person) and I felt exactly like you did…should I go? Should I change churches…again?? But I stuck it out. Two years. I can’t say it’s been easy to see him every week and even now that he’s got someone else, but little by little, the more I learn, the more I heal, the smaller he and his nasty words get. 🙂 I look forward to the day his is just another face in the crowd.

      It’s good that you can see the lies for what they are. You know better.

      Give yourself time to heal. Give God time to fill you back up. He is waiting with open arms for you to come home. 🙂

    2. Oh Cathy, I was told the same bs that God will punish me for leaving him. But what I see now is him languishing in poverty and thats why he wants me back home!

    3. Oh Kathy, I was told the same bs that God will punish me for leaving him. But what I see now is him languishing in poverty and thats why he wants me back home!

  35. Hi Melanie, it’s me again😊,

    Thank you again for allowing me to not think I was crazy for 30+ years.

    My ex, whom I met at 16 & walked out when I was 50, came from a very reglious, hypocrital family. I believe in God even though I didn’t go to church often as a young child. I always felt I had a good connection and that God came in many forms and names (Buddha, maybe a tree or whatever your religion called your higher being, there is 1 God.). As the song goes, “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Yellow, black and white they are prescious in his sight…..”. To live your life as a good person and treat others in the same manner was a true Christian. Church or not. I was criticized for my thinking and that made me a person who was not a true Christian. I would go “down” instead of to heaven because of it. It hurt.

    When we would go on camping, dirt biking trips or vacations (when he go with the kids and I) he would always say a prayer “to stay safe, get along and have fun”. Then we would get to where we were going and he could careless we were there. Especially dirt biking. I learned to ride a 41 (to be a part of something he liked to do), my daughter at 10 and my son at 8. We were new riders but the group we went with (some of his family) were enduro riders or had been riding from a very young age. He would take us to the mountains of Colorado. He ALWAYS had to lead the group. He would leave the kids and myself behind, in the back. We have been left on mountain top trails, trying to cross rivers and just sheer exhaustion….alone and to figure out situations by ourselves. Other hubands or friends would come back and help us, but not him “he had to lead”. He even left my my son and nephew on a trail in Arizona that had old copper mines and if you made a wrong turn, you’d fall into one and never be seen again. He would be mad at me because it was always my fault….I didn’t ride fast enough, he had to lead the group (that’s why he lost the kids, someone else or I should have been watching) and when I just needed a “hey you can do this”, I got a “now what’s your problem?” (Side note: last time I was timed how far “behind” him I was , it was less than a minute!)

    He always said that I ruined vacations and that my regilous beliefs were messed up. As long as we did things his way, even making my son ride a roller coaster when he was little because HE wanted to ride it. My son was in tears. I took my son and walked across the coaster car. We waited for him to ride, after standing in line for over an hour.

    He would throw the “God” word into many of our conversations and make me feel confused. He used the word “God” and came from a religious family, so he must know something I don’t. Even our wedding vows all those years ago, what did they mean to him??? He was a Godly person in his core, that’s what he preached, so surly all of the nasty things he said, he didn’t mean, he would realize and someday see what he really had. Because ” Godly” good people attract good people.

    Reglion always was a sore spot and he made me feel like I wasn’t a true Christian, yet I felt and know I am. It just seemed like another way he was “better” than me and would use it against me when talking to his family or my kids. It never felt right. It hurt, deeply at times and made me question myself. I felt that I was a good person, but I had a lot of Godly work to do on myself. I would try to get the family to go to church but he wouldn’t like how the service went, or the pastor or drank too much the night before…..

    I guess what I’m trying to say….THANK YOU…..because I thought I was the only one who had lived a life of a hypocritical mean person!😘
    XOXOXO Connie

    1. Thank you for describing these copper mines! That really hit home with me, taking you to dangerous places and endangering you and the children. I have had experiences like this with a narcissist husband, and even more frightening was when the children were alone with him. People close to me said I was lucky to have experiences and look how exciting it was and nobody died, but I died inside, my adrenals were shot, and I ended up removing my fillings and getting mercury poisoning, thinking my brain was at fault for all of the circular thinking and self doubt it had put me in.

    2. Hi Connie,

      Sweetheart absolutely that would be enough to make anyone think they are going mad!

      I am so pleased you are here with us Sweet Lady in this incredible Community.

      Sending you so much love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  36. My dad was a narc and liked to use religion or misuse scripture to get control. The sad thing is that a lot of people just don’t understand narcissism and they encourage women to submit to this. I grew up in a house hold with a father that would rage, cuss, punch holes through walls, physically intimidate, take guns and leave the house making you think he was either going to commit suicide or come back and kill us. The majority of the time we were faithfully going to church, and everyone thought he was great. The switch could be flipped on and off at a moments notice, but other people rarely if ever saw that side of him. I obviously didn’t get healed of this and married a man that is what I would call a borderline narc. Our marriage has been extremely difficult for different reasons. He uses the silent treatment as a tactic and can be very sarcastic, mean, selfish and immature. Initially, I honestly thought that was a better way of dealing with conflict because it wasn’t raging, but silent treatment does as much emotional damage and any of it. He has also used scripture in a way that is abusive, this has been encouraged in some circles of “religious people”, so it was easy for him to find people who would encourage this. I am able to understand scripture for myself and know that God never condones His Word being used in an abusive way, and so thankfully I didn’t turn away from God. I just called out the abuse and rejected it. They won’t use it if it doesn’t work. I’ve only just learned in the last few months about narcissism, and have really learned a lot about how to contend with it. I know it is a very evil spirit in a person that can destroy lives, but we can learn how to overcome it and become a better, stronger person. I am very thankful for all of the information, it is extremely helpful to understand more about what narcissism is.

  37. I was looking for safety and education and got into a controlling relationship with a man who believed, and I believed that he could teach me more than all my university professors about behaviour, sociology, how to see governments, and equalize behaviour. Bang, got out and married! A full blown narcissist who lied me into living his dream in a motorhome, and seven years later I woke up to realize he’d quashed every dream and every action I wanted to take. Escaped and he went after the kids, house, custody, declaring emergencies, backbiting, making up violence, rewriting court orders… and smiling through his teeth in hippie sandals, as he sang his prayers!!!!

    1. This just make me laugh!! You are soo funny Janet. I hear you because I have been there. I had no hope, had trust issues still do but I’m happy to say that chapter in my life is done!! Thanks to NARP- i have never been so happy in my life. After the healing I shut down my entire past-family, friends,colleagues and have only kept in touch with very few that show support for my new life. I relocated and live in a new city and enjoying what I’m currently doing. I’m at a point in life where I feel confident to connect with real people. I have become sensitive to abusive behaviour and quickly read ones spiritual – the gift i never had before. Its scary but liberating and I want to believe any person can find the peace and love that we all look for – especially after narc abuse. Best luck dear lady.

  38. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this wonderful article. My ex narc was a complex creature. Spiritual,appeared to have an interest in self growth, a devoted Roman Catholic who went to church every Sunday. Had a wonderful relationship with his sisters. Helped out at the church, did voluntary work with the elderly the list is endless. I was taken in by it all. Gradually over time I saw things that did not make sense. If I questioned him about these things he would make me feel as if I was mad, unreasonable and immature. It became a mission eventually to uncover the truth. There were millions of things that did not make sense. One morning I woke up and thought I’m done. I walked out, I did see him three times after that but never wanted to go back. Once the cloud is lifted and you see clearly, I felt glad I was me. Glad I can feel, live and love. Something he will never do. You can only pity him from afar and thank god im alive and thriving. Way I look at it practice your own self growth ,unlock your potential experience life to the fullest.

  39. I’m hearing this and my first instinct is to say that it couldn’t happen to me. I find that anytime I say that, I am sorely mistaken. And I leave myself open to false confidence where a narc can slip by because my ego is blocking my proper vision of the situation. In the past, I tried to logically find the good people or the people who were more safe. This was a survival tactic with a good intention that must have worked for me at one point.

    I was not willing to go back and revise my original opinion of someone if I had already deemed them safe and good. It was too painful to feel betrayed. It was too scary to be all alone in the world, because I thought that the people in my circle were the only real affirmation of my worth. I needed people around me to feel a bare minimum of acceptable as a human being, so I would ignore actions that didn’t fit with the original judgement of “good and safe,” because my own identity/safety depended on them continuing to be good and safe. It seems like the underlying pattern of accepting immoral and bad behaviour is the same, whether the narc is spiritual or not – although it is truly helpful to hear the details and what it looks like from this angle, so that it’s easier to recognize.

    Strangely enough, with these core beliefs, I was also very outspoken and independent. To the point of running from all interdependence… to avoid being manipulated as I had been in my family of origin. When I did finally feel that someone was safe, they were supposed to save me and finally be a place where I could rest. To find out they would not be safe or good meant triggering wounds from childhood that I did not want to look at or deal with at the time. It’s making more and more sense.

    And as usual, I feel like this video could not come at a better time. Thank you!

  40. Oh my, Melanie! I could highlight all your words due to the richness of this post, but this one really stands out to me, “As one of my Christian friends, who worked with NARP to free herself from a terribly insidious spiritual narcissist said, ‘Your spirit, intuition and discernment will almost always show you the truth and the more you know the Truth, the more you’ll be able to spot the counterfeit. Spotting and discerning it is not enough. Without healing the inner wounds and beliefs one can logically KNOW something isn’t right here, however knowing won’t set you free, only inner healing will.” Yes, what timing! For years, I experienced this vicious cycle with Spiritual Narcissists without full victory in overcoming. My experiences included working for a design firm in L.A. that I later discovered was a major dark cult, 3 years in a Texas Church led by a Jezebel, & shortly thereafter a short 14-month marriage (my only marriage) to a self proclaimed pastor who was later sentenced to federal prison years after I was off the scene. This marriage included most of the sick things you guys mentioned above, along with what I’d like to term as “marital rape” (his intent to impregnate me for purposes of keeping me bound). God was faithful in giving me a way of escape before that happened! During that time, had it not been for my wonderful spiritual Mom who I still love dearly today, I most likely would not have survived! However, due to the fact that she’s been best friends with my Mom since 3-yrs. old, this simultaneously served as a block keeping me in (illegally OWNING & taking within myself) those “core family dysfunctions” out of respect to my family. Today, I’m understanding more clearly that term we’ve heard “human magnet syndrome”, and the importance of walking out of this victimization. Along with this, God is teaching me how to allow Him to take me through cleansing & opening my spiritual gates as I press into His heart of truly being “In Him” as He flows through me. For years, I’ve been walking with & loving God…but not until 5 months ago (after break up w/ narc boyfriend) did it truly hit me between the eyes (through programs like this, etc) that the “Narcissist/Jezebel spirit” is all of the same,…same demons that sent my Jesus to the cross! This is huge! Thank you everyone for your stories. They mean so much, & touch my heart! We are not alone. Melanie, you stay encouraged!…& wrapped up in His arms of Love as He guides you step by step. Continue to love His People & bring forth His Heart as He leads you!!! Ha, ha, ha…..Sounds like you’ve got a lot to read here. Much Love to everyone!

  41. I’ve always been surprised by how different people in be in public versus in private. A spiritual narcissism is just one example of there are other types of narcissists, and people in general, or very charismatic in public and, yet, extremely destructive to those people around them in their private lives.

    As a result, when I meet someone who is very charismatic, I tend to be suspicious and standoffish. I know that, at the very least, they will not place a very high value on a friendship because it is so easy for them to draw people to them. And, they could also be very destructive people in private.

    As a Christian, I’ve been taught that I should assume the best about people unless they show me otherwise. However, my life experience has taught me that I should reserve judgment about people until they prove themselves. Does this make me a cynic or simply a graduate from the School of Hard Knocks? 😉

    1. Hi Ken,

      I really love being radiant and true to ourselves and asking the difficult questions when necessary to ascertain people.

      Absolutely it is vital to trust our inner being.

      How many times did something feel ‘off’ we ignored it and then paid a price?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    2. Ken, I am the same now, I think we can say we have graduated , and hooray for that. All the best to you.

  42. Hi Melanie I have a covert narcissist for a sister….
    I am a Pagan and my ex-husband is a pagan to he’s a narcissist as well…..
    So much love

  43. Check out “Meditation Guide/Instructor” michaelblueofficial on instagram. I stumbled across him last night and was struck immediately by how unspiritual his #s are (#physique; #god; #famous; #hipster, to name a few), by how 99% of his posts are images of himself, and by photos of himself in Jesus-like poses. He posts photos of himself with the same captions over and over again. I considered asking him if he’s trying to start a personality cult but knew I’d probably be blocked so decided not to. This way, I can keep an eye on him. He’s only got 1044 followers but now that Air BnB is promoting him as something to do while on vacation, he’ll probably get a massive increase. I don’t even need to talk to him to know who he is.

  44. Thank you for this video. I was married to a narcissist youth pastor for 22 years. He was abusive emotionally, physically and verbally to myself and our four children but led a completely double life. Very few people outside our home saw him for what he was and I was afraid to expose him because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. He loved to “help” teenagers that then became dependent on him. This fed his ego. After being a pastor he starting his own company giving motivational talks in schools. This continued to feed his need for admiration and attention as he was given a stage where he could “help kids” and feel important. It has been very damaging for my children because they saw the hypocrisy of a man who was cruel and abusive at home but admired by their friends. This is hard for them to come to terms with even today. It has made all of us second guess ourselves. “Maybe he in not really that bad because all of these other people, including spiritual leaders admire him.” He also had the classic two sides of being the fun-loving guy and then flip on a dime to a raging monster. When I chose to file for divorce it really rocked his world. He immediately started a smear campaign to all of his church friends. He continues to play the victim 8 years later. He blames his bad behavior and choices on the divorce because he was hurt. What is crazy is that so many people around the country give him a pass because he has been so hurt he has the right to verbally and emotionally abuse my children and myself. He has also told my kids that God tells him that he is a great dad. Fortunately, they are beginning to see him for what he his and we are all starting to heal. Thanks again for addressing this issues.

    1. Oh Andrea,

      I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your children have been through. Congratulations on having the courage and strength to finally get out.

      Sending love and healing to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  45. I have listened to one talking to a lady and it was so clear that he was not a good person . Because of the help I have had from you Melanie , I was able to spot it and since had it confirmed by two other people . Thank you for the help you have given over the last 18 mths or so . I have not seen my daughter for 18mths and I am fine with it . Have had no dramas, saved money , been on holiday , get my nails done , go out with friends , made new ones, I could go on and on about my life now but I am sure you have heard it before and know what I mean . Narcs are not very smart . I am sure they all read the same hand book. Thank you seems not enough to say to you. xxxx..

  46. I finally finalized my divorce and had to see the Narc in the courthouse one last time where he was verbally abusive until the attorney heard him yelling at me through the closed door . He told me he’d read a spiritual book that has changed his life…A New Earth by Eckhart Tohl . He said “you should read this too.” The experience was cathartic and validating , I stood my ground and felt zero emotion. He always used spirituality to appear like he was an evolved soul. He’s also a passionate environmentalist who uses those issues to appear as a hero and advocate. People are easily fooled by his charisma and passion. Behind closed doors he assaulted me and my kids verbally and physically . I think narcs are attracted to fields where they are appear as do-Gooders…similar to religious narcs. Mel, you are right, the gut feeling tells it all , if it feels off, it is off. Thank you Mel!

  47. I have found them not only in spiritual communities, but also in healing from narcissism´s settings, which has been quite shocking and traumatic for me. First, in the management of a women´s refuge in Shropshire (England), and then in a Facebook group of narcissism recovery… I could see in these women who were leading and guiding victims of narcissistic abuse, the same treats of the narcissists I was trying to heal. Very shocking and confusing. I am still trying to make sense of it.

  48. My ex- to be very soon has been a born again Christian, I thought I was so blessed to have him because of him, I was also saved?! We were married for 21 years. I was deceived long time.
    We used to open our house for bible study, home/life group in other countries. Our mother church members here thought we were lovely couple. NO ONE thought he was the narcissist. He was very close to our executive pastors who were quite well known in as a inspirational speaker and worship mentor in the Oceania, they used to even stay with us when we lived in Middle East. My ex was giving, serving, telling me that every time when he goes to work, he was praying for God’s blessing at work, etc.. We used to go to mega church conference together, name it, he was playing a good Christian.

    After he started affair, I was thrown out from the house in Middle east, I came back and went back to our church. I asked for help. However, some of the pastors believed him and thought I was not telling the truth. I told them how he abused me and sucking all our money. They could not believe what he had done. When he pretend that he wanted to get back with me while he was having holiday in Europe with his mistress, he was begging our pastor to be a mediator to reconcile our relationship. Then he went to Jerusalem – where Jesus was crucified with mistress, took picture there and show that to our friends. However, he wrote to me to say that he went to Jerusalem to confess his sin. Thank God I got so many friends who supported me and told me the real story!

    He totally brainwashed one of my closest friend from the church, she is now very good friend with him. She thinks I am childish that I am doing no contact. She still believes he wants me back and I am so cruel and so-not christian that can not forgive him. The thing is, my ex is now married to this mistress without divorcing me. He is a bigamist. I found out from his family member but this church friend doesn’t believe that.

    It is amazing how much his ‘ spiritual’ mask can charm some people.
    Thank God that I found out his true face. However I really want some church to understand that there are real evil people out there. I know Christian should forgive and be good to enemy. But this type of enemy is so dangerous. You can not give them any mercy. Your mercy will come back to you as a big stone!!

    1. Hi Yumi,

      You have been through a horrific journey and you should be so proud of your strength and spirit to break free.

      Yumi, I really believe you should write a book one day. Your story is powerful.

      Sending you love and blessings.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      1. Hi Mel,

        Thank you so much for your encouragement.

        I know that I am now towards the end of the tunnel..
        Yes, if there is any chance and power, I would love to share my story so that I can warn other people and encourage other people!!
        Blessings xxx

  49. Even after finishing the narp course and having moved forward with my life, videos like this still really help. I believe we’re on a journey & we dont stop growing & learning once we’ve finished the course. For me, it’s become a way of life.

    I started NARP in March last year & within 4 months (of very intense work) I was free, emotionally, from the narc. The day i started the course i was contemplating suicide, in spite of my 5 year old son. I was at rock bottom and this was a last resort that I didnt even believe would help me. It has changed me and my life beyond recognition.

    Now, after completing the family of origin wounds course and applying NARP to every trigger that comes up, I am stronger, happier & more free than I’ve ever been. I’m in a great place thanks to you Mel, (and i no longer have to email the wonderful Claire for advice!) but I am still learning every day and going forward it feels great being armed with the knowledge you impart. I had never considered spiritual narcissists, so you have enlightened me once again.

    Your decision to share your healing programme with the world has saved my life and saved my soul.

    I will forever be grateful to you Mel.

    1. Awwww Stephanie,

      I am so so thrilled that you found NARP and this incredible community at the top me of the dark night of the soul.

      You, sweetheart, are a beautiful living testimony of who we become when we do the inner work.

      I so hope that this can help inspire others, who are as broken as you have been, to start working with NARP to save their lives … on every level … and also break free.

      So many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  50. Hi Melanie

    Yes…my ex-fiance was in the ministry and loved the attention. Yet, he shared his 1st wife left him with his kids. Red flag right? But, today he is his gifts to manipulate or seduce me to like him. Later there was no reading the scriptures, praying, etc. What saved me was I never had a “Peace” about marrying him. He was gifted in healing and I saw many miracles. Yet, this did not play out in his daily living. He did blame, shame, and criticize me. I recognize he was not healthy and I begun to see the cycles of now what I know was “love bumming” always stating I must ask him to forgive me if he were to stay in the relationship. Finally, I had enough of this foolishness. Yes, I did fall in Love and kept hoping to see the person I had originally met. He had the “gift of prophecy” which he could use to help others or get you. I told him when first meeting him, I could hear from God myself and didn’t need for him to give me a word from God. Unfortunately, despite the 3 Biblee schools he had not internalized a personal Spiriit to Spiriit relationship with God Almighty!

    Ugh! All I can say…. I have gone “no contact” and healing from it all! Thank you for your video uploads… along with prayer God is using you to do the real work….”setting the captives Free!’ Isaiah 61:1.
    Blessings & Gratefulness,
    Angie 🙂

  51. Thanks Melanie for being the friend that helped me break free and leave my pastor husband of 32 years. I believe that God used you to help me see that I wasn’t leaving God but a toxic and unhealthy relationship. Your encouraging words and healing tools gave me back my life. I am a happy girl. I am a loved human being. There are no words to express how much I love you. You are a precious answer to a prayer that set me free to live the life that God had intended me to live. 😍😍

    1. Teresa & Melanie
      I am so happy my daughter sent me information on this website. I am now seeing the connection between spiritual narcissism & being married to a narcissist. Just a natural cob connection I guess.

      I am now in a recovery group & learning about healing.

      Let me say, I was involved in a religious narcissist group from 1973-74 up until 2000 when I left the group/cult of Jehovah Witness. I was married to my 2nd husband at this time, for 7 years, but both of us were somewhat rebellious JW’s. Lol!😊 So I was not so completely ingrained to their authority….

      Then we divorced & I met my narcissist husband, now 33 years of marriage. Oh my! Considering the option of freeing myself as I did from the group of narcissist JW religion.

      Just wanted to comment that I see a lot of similarities between the JW & my husband now. But I am in a good recovery group at my church now. (Not JW). Praying for continued healing regardless if I leave my narc husband.

      Thank you for your website information.

    2. Teresa,
      I too am thinking of leaving my narc husband of 33 years.😢 He is 77 yrs. old, I am 67. After being in the narc, toxic cult JW religion from 1975 until 2000 when I made a clean break, I can see so many similarities & comparisons to my narc husband. 😢 I just feel guilty for thinking of leaving a man who will die very lonely & alone. He has no social contacts..I think that is a disorder, not sure what it is called. He goes to church with me, but does not step out of his comfort zone to talk to people or join a SS class or a Bible study group.

      Being in a good recovery group myself in my church, I am hoping that I can heal & adopt ways to deal with things in my narc marriage until I can come to leave him.😢

  52. Hi Melanie. I am so grateful to have found your videos. I too was love bombed by a spiritual narcissistic who said he saw me in a dream and God said I was his wife. After 5 months of meeting him I was married to him and we spend 14 years pastoring his second church. I was his second wife. The first wife realized his treatury and left him. He used hell and the threat of taking my children away from me to frighten me into submitting to his will. It took me 9 years to decide I was not meant to live in that type of abuse but I was not able to get physically away from him for another 5 years for a total of 14 years of marriage and spiritual abuse. My prayer is now for my children as he already severely damaged his relationship between his first two children by his first wife. Now I see the damaging effects of his emotional, mental, and, spiritual abuse on our three children. He is on to his third wife and kids but he has not given up on trying to get back at me for leaving him. He has told me on many occasions that I deserve to suffer for leaving him. He has used lies to the Department of Children and Family Services and the court system to gain temporay full custody of our children twice. Fortunately DCFS and the court saw through his lies and reversed both temporary orders. If I had not lived through this experience myself I would think this type of sneaky, evil only occurs in the movies or perhaps only to other people. Thank God for knowledge and for pulling back the covers on these insidious people. I pray that many more people are set free from their narcissistic abusers by your work.

  53. I had a child with a spiritual Narc. We are still in a huge custody battle, but at least I am out, right? I found Melanie when I was pregnant with my child and it was her work that gave me the strength to leave him. I lived in a halfway house for 6 months but still went back to him because of his charm and good looks. I just hired 2 good attorneys who I am hoping will advocate for me and more importantly my 2 year old daughter.

    Thank you Melanie for all you do.

  54. This strikes a chord.
    Was abused in the church as a very small child, and left the church as soon as I was old enough. It is deeply comforting that you have found scriptures to quote which support love and health.

    Was hard to make peace with the organized churches because of the hypocisy and cruelty of what I experienced and saw unleashed on others. That was an early part of my own healing. Now am glad to say I can appreciate kind and loving people of any religion, and am also content in my own skin and with my own pathway.

    This was a deep one!

    As always, thank you for the beautiful work you do 🙂

  55. Both my husband and I felt so used and abused after volunteering in several capacities of church ministries. We were also made to feel inadequate after hearing from the pulpit how much any of those in the congregation “fell short of the glory of God”. So, we both decided to stop attending church all together and have never regretted it. Without the oppression of the church, we now have a more personal relationship with Jesus and the joy of our salvation has returned. And, if the abuse of the church wasn’t enough, my husband’s father would also spiritually abuse us by quoting scripture to us whenever HE thought we weren’t measuring up to HIS standards. We don’t miss being around him anymore either.

  56. Oh my, this speaks to my soul. I was married to my narcissistic husband for 20 years and this is very much one of the ways he controlled me and tried to control me after we (our kids and I) left him. He used bible verses regularly despite not attending church with us. Sadly, after we finally left, my church (who had never met him) welcomed him with open arms and encouraged us to renew our marriage now that he had “seen the light.” No amount of talking to the pastor changed that so I was forced to leave my church family to reduce the spiritual abuse. My ex-husband then took a Christian counselling course and passionately told me he had the gift of seeing other’s peoples souls through their eyes, that he could see how evil I was, and how he could help me. Sadly, this drove me from my faith for a very long time.

    1. In the 3 years I dated my ex boyfriend, we never went to church. It’s a false front. Carefully crafted public persona . Things are staged so everyone thinks the world of him which gives him license to hurt you and nobody will believe you. Further isolating you. Driving you even more insane. You really have to get away from these men . ASAP . The love to trigger you and when you react.. they blame you. Or capture the text log or video or audio record you w/out you knowing .

      And I had a few pieces of my jewelry (I had long before we met) missing ! I don’t know if he stole it and sold it for money or gave it to another woman as a gift . I will never share KEYS or HOME with a man again. He stole my furniture and misc household stuff. This has significantly impacted me. Even my second set of car keys were missing. I know he took them and I had CHRONIC ANXIETY about him stealing my car or things inside it. Or breaking stuff under the hood . Or slashing my tires. Scared and couldn’t focus on my work. Affected my income. We moved in together. He was fired from his job. We couldn’t pay rent and my things are still in a SELF STORAGE unit . I have been HOMELESS for the first time in my life , staying with a friend for over a year. Trying to get my life back together.

      They will try to trap you by getting you pregnant saying they want children when he can’t even find or keep a job. Sex stopped . Then they blame you . I have heard stories of narcissists who won’t pull out or put a hole in condom. I swear they are the most DANGEROUS men on the planet and compulsive liars and CHEAT for attention and admiration newness novelty and variety. Got lots of women. Narcissism is a mental disorder but it should also be a crime . Collect evidence. And plan an exit safety without saying a word. Exit as covertly as he deceived you.

  57. Melanie,
    I was skeptical about this, but after you hit the nail on the head, time after time describing a spiritual narcissist, I know that is what I am dealing with.

    Every description you gave of the narc, environment, people, church, so called friends, has only convinced me more, and thank you for bringing this out.

  58. My ex said “God married us” to try to make me feel as if he loved me and was committed. His Christianity always felt FAKE. They do this so you let your guard down. They do this to accelerate trust. They do this to access empathetic good women they can use. Or vulnerable women seeking guidance. It’s so evil.

    1. He even made me breakfast in bed on Sunday mornings… tea, fruit and peanut butter toast and watched a church service on the computer in bed. Songs and everything. I never knew anyone like this and it felt so nice like true love and what a relationship should be built on. I felt I was in the arms of my soulmate. But now I see it’s OVERCOMPENSATION and LOVE BOMBING. To find out this was NOT who he was and that I was played and fell for it and did SO MUCH for him in retun really hurts . Still hard to get over. And nobody understands or believes me when he’s actinb like this ! I fell for it and so do they. He was trying to GIVE GIVE GIVE to create an indebtedness. Because his life was a mess I was to find out later and he NEEDED someone to run to and take care of him. He was dating me UNEMPLOYED and later was EVICTED and his TRUCK REPOSSESSED. Disappeared from my driveway! No transportation. Age 52. He never told me he stopped paying his bills in Connecticut when he was visiting me in Virginia. We met on Facebook. Now I see the master plan was to let his crisis happen and force his way into my home heart and life!!! It’s so clear now . He told me he was an IT professional who was between projects . He didn’t tell me he was married and divorced 4x. Never seen or supported his daughter in 30 years. Tells people he’s a pastor – he’s not . Pastor by day , porn by night. While I cooked him dinner, made cookies and cleaning up dishes !! I have trust issues and happier SINGLE WITH MY DOGS.

  59. Yes! I “met” him on a social media site of the church denomination we both belonged to. We had very similar political beliefs and had both spoken out about our church leaders’ support of the current POTUS. Very few in our denomination were speaking out and he had actually quoted my name and qhat I had written in one of his posts. I looked up his FB page and messaged him, thanking him for his support. This person was very well-versed in the Bible but also in eastwtn religions. What I did not know is that this individual had already been thrown out of several churches for his bizarre comments and had been arrested for using minors as nude models for his art. He is an established enough artist to convince most people that he was a victim of small town provincial stupidity and police corruprion, but as the next 18 months of my nightmare relationship with him unfolded, it was clear to me that he used his art as an excuse to use much younger women as nude models and had an obsession with gaving sex with much younger women. He thought I was younger than I am. After the devalue- discard phase started, (learned all about it after this relationship ended) the narcissist seemed to lose all interest in discussing religion or any of the things we had had in common. He began doling out strange, shockingly cruel jabs out of the blue, also beinging up other women, mixed into conversations about his wanting to see me. I remember thinking I should tell him where to go and never respond again, but he was convincing me that I was “too sensitive.” He was promising me gifts like an expensive (5k Euro!) gilded reproduction of a Medieval book of liturgical chant, but then would never send it. Slowly he began ghosting me and lying about the reasons. By this time I was completely obsessed with this relationship and did indeed feel like I was losing my mind. So I could not just let it go. Finally I had to face that he was gaslighting me and started digging for truth. I found out that he gad indeed given financial support to another devoutly Christian artist. I think he ghosted her and 2as not cruel as he was to me, but clearly he had dumped her.. He hits on very successful women artists and only abuses those who are not as famous, as he seems quite aware of the possibility of his reputation being ruined. I found out that he had lied to me about his mother dying and about a previous wife and children dying. All fabricated. Also many othrr things. Once I had hard evidence, I called him out on these lies and he sent me a chilling letter which he began with, “I like you and I adore your music, but…” and went on to “diagnose”me with “High Conflict Personality” disorder, saying I made adversaries of everyone in my life – my church, my family, my country, my friends, my colleagues – (actually what he himself did) and said he just knew I would eventually “turn on him” for “trifles” (like his lying about his marriage or his mother dying or changing the names and genders of his siblings and much more.) He said that he “adored my music” (I am a composer) but that he realized that if I “cured” my mental illness, I would lose the ability to compose beautiful music because my music was an expression of the harmony I wanted in my life but coykd not have because of my “illness.” He knew I had been severely lacking in support from my husband and parents, that I had fought very hard to establish myself, had offered all the suppirt in the world but suddenly turned it all on me. So I was destined to either being isolated and alone because I “made everyone into adversaries” or I would have to give up what he knew was extremely important to me – composing. Infact, his lovebombing started with him saying how my music was so soulful and passionate, and that I must have “fallen from heaven,” and he wanted to commission me. After the duscard began, he would ghost me for days then reappear and bring up the commission; he had offered to give me housing and pay all my living expenses so I could compose full time. The places he was supposedly considering buying or us to live in were very isolated. He had money. I seriously fear knowing how he got it. During our relationship a young woman who modelled for him, a single parent, supposedly commutted suicide via a heroine overdose. He just happened to have bought a life insurance policy for her. Then within two more months two more of his models overdosed and died. And recently in his town there was a whole slew of overdose deaths, a record number, all young women. It is like a horror film. After the last letter where he declared me mentally ill, I resisted the strong impulse to defend myself to him and have been NC for two months. It feels like six. I felt like I was going through my own drug withdrawals – I actuslly took ibuprofin to wase the psychic pain so I could function at work. I am currently working with a therapist to process this all; it is not my first abusive relationship, but was the most upsetting and dangerous thus far. I would call this man a psychopath. My therapist has helped me to see the link between my emotionally abusive l childhood and the the role I played in this. I am interested in your program, as it seems to really hit the nail on the head.

    1. Hi Cara,

      Wow, oh my goodness, I had goosebumps whilst reading this. I am so pleased you are away from him and alive.

      Please do connect to NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and the incredible NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      There is no comparison in the way we can heal from unspeakable narcissistic abuse when we directly address the trauma in our body.

      I would so love to help you heal from this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  60. I was caught completely off guard a few months ago with what I now know as a spiritual narcissist. I have been married for over 20 years and the last 3-4 years have been rough. My husband and I were great roommates but little else. I lost my employment at the same church a was a member of in one devastating termination due to my family attending another church. This was a profound loss since I put all of myself into my ministry. For weeks I spent all of my time job hunting as I worked through all the feelings of shock, disappointment and grief. Then a member of my family suffered from a serious medical emergency. I was called upon to speak for this family member since I was the next of kin. This was also devastating to carry this burden considering I already look after the care of my mother who suffers from dementia. I felt alone and scared while still suffering grief and loss over my job. I decided to call on a friend, a pastor at the church I was just fired from to hep give me hope, encouragement and spiritual guidance in regards to my hospitalized family member. He came and provided support but over the next few days, our interactions became more personal. He began to relentlessly pursue me for a sexual relationship for weeks. He is also married. I tried to end it once I first realized that an emotional relationship was forming but the trauma bonding, brain washing, love bombing and manipulation had already begun. With my vulnerability and new disgust for the church, I was sucked into his web of narcissism and didn’t even know what I was dealing with. I became entangled with him to the extreme. My husband made the discovery 3 months later and was actually the one who rescued me from this stronghold. I ended my relationship with the pastor and started therapy right away and slowly made the discovery that I had been dealing with a personality disorder. I don’t deny I made mistakes during my “drug induced” altered state
    of mind but the hold this man had on me was scary and appalling. I have been working to break the addiction I had on him and move forward seeking healing and forgiveness. I am blessed to now have the husband that I always wanted. I just hope I can prove to be the wife he always wanted even with this scar on our relationship.

  61. Hello,
    I am excited to have found this site while doing a search for Narcissist and Spirituality. The information here is just what I needed today. I have so much to share!
    First off, I am close to 60 years old, professionally successful, and from what I hear, I looked like I am in my late 30’s. I have raised three wonderful children and been married a few times before.
    In 2016, I lost three members of my immediate family one after the other. The first was my invalid father’s wife (my step-mother). Now prior to her death, I had spent the previous two years being the POA for my father who experience double leg amputations. I was the only family member available to help him and travel the 2 hours, to see about him. I couldn’t keep a stable relationship during this time and I was okay with that because my father was my first priority and I knew that the Lord had planned and prepared me for this service. I will say it took a toll on me emotionally and I really didn’t address it or deal with it. I know I’m a caregiver of sorts because the many years prior to his illness, I helped take care of his mother, my grandmother. So in 2016, step-mother passes, unexpectedly. My father needed to get moved from Va. to NC, so my sister and I could help him. We got him moved a month after his wife passed and spend most of this months getting him settled into his own handicapped apartment in our home town and getting his finances in order. I wish I could share the full testimony of that experience because the Lord made a way for us that could have only been HIM, but I’ll save that for now. His mother, my grandmother was at this time in a nursing home in the same town, on her last stage of life. My father suffered a stroke and passed 7 mos after getting him moved. Since I was POA, I led the family in making the arrangements and handling his affairs. I have an older sister and younger brother, that helped as much as they could. Two months after he passed, his mother passed. A few weeks later I met the Narcissist online. Of course, the first attraction was physical. He is very handsome with a beautiful smile. Your classic, tall, dark and handsome. We started talking and when I found out that he was a minister in training, I immediately told him, that he might want to find someone else because I was a broken mess and probably wouldn’t be right for him (MISTAKE number one). He talked the word a lot and it actually begin to awaken my dead spiritual side of depression. I felt that he was sent to me at that time. He live an hour away, with his mother and we didn’t see each other for awhile, only facetiming. He shared how bad he was being treated by his mother because he had a ‘past’ history of crack abuse. I felt bad for him. The relationship escalated very quickly and the manipulation began almost immediately. I’m now seeing the pursuit for the new source in action. I messed around and Christmas time and felt guilty because I didn’t buy so I purchased a nice saying to hang in his car and sent him a key to my apartment, so he would know that he always had some place he could come (MISTAKE two). He came to see me once or twice then showed up in the middle of the night in March 2017. He was high and claimed the constant pressure and ridicule had broken him down. I felt so bad for him. I questioned why anyone would treat someone so bad when they were only trying to get better. He was attending church regularly, bible studies and was enrolled in a Minister-in-Training course with the church. Of course, I bought every lie he told and wasn’t any the wiser until I started seeing behavior that was Christ-like. He started using Crack more often and always stated that the Lord was delivering him. I tried to encourage him by telling him that was better than Crack and he was already delivered, he just needed to walk in it. Eventually, I became the bad person treated him bad, in his eyes. He wanted me to sit back and be silent about the drugs and allow him get through each episode of getting high and watching porn. After each time, he was remorseful (or so it seemed) and he was gonna quit.
    Let me add right here, in 2016, I started smoking cigarettes for calming and I would use some marijuana whenever I could get it. So he felt that what I was doing was no better than his weekly episodes. So I closed my mouth and prayed for both of us broken people. We his church about three times, than came the excuse that we could just attend my church here in town for awhile. Okay.
    After awhile we weren’t going to either church because usually on Sundays, he was recouping. He was unemployed when he arrived but found a job in August, 2017. We married in June 2017 (MISTAKE three) with the assurance that he would be able to quit the drug with some stability. NOT!
    So into 2018, the representative is gone and true being is ever present. He is money hungry and always talks about how much I make. He proudly gives money for some household things but counts it out to the penny. Needless to say, I carry 80% of the load and he could care less. His contract job ended in early 2018 and he received unemployment. All of that went to the drug dealer, because he was ‘depressed’. He then had hip surgery and I’m thinking, perfect time to get yourself together. Well he did, in his mind. He started posting some inspirational sayings on Facebook every day and his friends list grew very quickly because he accepted anyone (mainly females). I thought it strange that each saying he posted started with “I submit” then he would say something spiritually based but never included the scripture. He now has over 1000 followers that he know less than an 1/8 of them. He stalks my FB page and made all kinds of accusations about what I was doing, which was absolutely nothing. These people pump him up daily and are calling him Pastor, preacher, Man of God, etc. He did not finish the Minister training class, for whatever reason he made up and as far as I saw never really received any deliverance from the drug or deal with his issues.
    Once I started having to fight for my voice or explain away his crazy idea about me, I became the evil one. Resistant to God’s word, rebellious to God’s teaching and everything else he wanted to add.
    All the torment and anguish came to a head this past Christmas, 2018. Of course, everything is about him and what he’s experiencing or feeling. I was looking into spiritual warfare and had already begin calling out those spirits and identifying the Narcissism. Well silly me, I unleashed his wrath and no day was peaceful. The week after Christmas, he was having one of rants and my normal response was to go in the second bedroom and barricade it, but this night I was busy and couldn’t get in my car and leave or retreat in the other room. He was in preaching me into hell mode and wouldn’t stop. I was begging him to stop coming at me. Now in previous arguments, I would throw stuff to run him away from me or just leave until he calmed down. *Now, I’m the Narcissist*. BUT, this night, I was tired of his noise and needed him to stop. I threw a picture at him and it landed near him in the bedroom. By now, I am angry and tired and went down the hall to pick up the broken picture. He was standing near it pointing at it when I walked in the room. I bent to pick it up, still angry, I grabbed it off the floor and at the same time, he was bending and when my hand came up with the picture it hit him square in the eye. He hollered out, fell on the bed, holding his eye. I didn’t feel anything for him at that moment and could have cared less about his performance. I went back to what I was doing and didn’t concern with him nor his eye that evening. I didn’t go to bed until late that evening and the next day I got on a train and went to three hours away to visit my two oldest children. I needed that quiet time to collect myself and reflect on the night before. I was as remorseful and sorrowful as I had ever been in my life. I cried and prayed during that three hours. I believe it was during that time that the Lord started to show me this abusive relationship. I was a shell of myself during the visit because I was so hurt inside. The very next day, he called early to tell me that he had gotten into an accident at work and had to have 14 stitches in the top of his head. I arrived home later that evening and needless to say, he was able to wipe the floor with me for another few days. We did go to the eye doctor, and to the other doctors that he insisted on seeing. He has a Worker’s Comp claim now and has had an attorney since the evening of the accident. He claims this is all the Lord’s will so he can get this big payout and not have to work while he recovers. I has been a shame and embarrassment watching him milk these people. I have been in medicine for 35 years and teach my craft now, so I know clearly, that he is not as bad off as he putting on.
    We had plans to move out of my apartment this year and he is having nothing to do with the arrangements, that’s all me. He has money stashed on a spending card and pays only what he feels is necessary in the household. He hasn’t been to church in almost a year and thinks sitting home all day listening to old gospel songs and old sermons is building him into this great Preacher. He answers to no one physically, and no one can tell him he’s not right. Yet, every morning and afternoon, he reminds me of how little I know and what I think and what I’m doing. I started visiting a therapist after the eye accident. It scared me because, I had never experienced that much rage and apathy. It was in our second session that she gave me some paperwork about recognizing an abusive relationship. I was devastated to see that I am with an abusive person. He has manipulated, lied, twisted scriptures, denied scriptures, sweet one minute, harsh the next, said things that just shouldn’t be said in a marriage or caring relationship and blamed me for it all.
    I could go on and on but you all can fill in the blanks with any kind of madness and you won’t be far off.
    Now, I’m planning my departure. My emotions are all over the place, because I’m so hoping that he gets better and gets deliverance, but part of me knows that will not happen as long as he can use me and hide away from the world. I really don’t know how the Lord is going to work this out because I am literally going to have to move out from under him. Which means, everything is mine, even the car he drives. This is the worse scenario that I have ever created for myself. I do have plans of leaving him and he knows it, so of course, he is trying to tame the beast but he can’t hide who he really is from me any longer.
    My sanity is returning with counseling and as she explained, in 2016, I was in a series of grief episodes that kept getting interrupted by another death. I never got to grieve fully and he was not help to me at all. I feel like I have been in a cloud for 2 years or more and he could have cared less.
    Right now, I am nothing more than the maid, bread winner, bill payer, cook, everything as per his demands.
    I also find peace in the fact, that he really doesn’t know me at all and as the Lord continues to put people in my path, I am reminded that I have a special gift for encouraging and making others feel special. I am an Empath, Nurturer, loving person that just wants to get better in the Lord and do HIS will for my life and the life of others.
    This by far is the hardest journey.

    Thank you all for making this journey a bit

  62. My first referred to himself as a light worker. I was just about to move into relationship 2 with another “light worker” when I had a dream where I saw myself basically following this person and becoming like them. In the dream, i said to myself I’ve already done this before. Then the scene changed and I became an observer in the dream instead of active participant. There was a female presence there (who a much higher power was pleased about) who was doing something original. What I saw was these hands with particles of light all around. The next day in my car the sunlight hit my sandals and I saw particles of light all around my feet and I thought it was supposed to be me in the dream. Then a few days later I came across the NARP materials and I knew I had been guided to them. It was the picture on Module 2.

  63. Hi Melanie, sorry I’m a bit late to the party here, but I know God’s timing is perfect. I actually stumbled across your article while looking online for materials that I can use to help my teenage daughter cope with her narcissistic father and my best friend through her divorce to her spiritually narcissistic husband.

    Upon reading your article I found some great nuggets to help them, but I also received some great enlightenment of my own in trying to deal with the trauma of leaving my former church after 11 years. The guilt associated with leaving “God’s house” is a pain too deep to describe and you can’t possibly understand it unless you’ve experienced it. I battle daily with thoughts of my salvation being lost and my daughter’s future being destroyed by my decision to leave and the financial ruin I will face for no longer tithing and supporting God’s missions. To this day I go into a panic at the mere mention of the word church and I shy away from any conversations about God unless I truly trust the person not to try to manipulate me. I could go on and on, but let’s just say that had I stayed at that church I would have eventually taken my own life at some point because the religious system is designed to set you up to fail. We’re supposed to need God, not be made to feel like failures because we need Him.

    Nevertheless, I journey on. God will get me there. Thank you for being part of it. God bless you always.

  64. This article comes at the right moment! My Ex is pretty well known in the spiritual world and has written several books, says he is spiritually realized and talked about soul contracts and karmic connection. When I entered the relationship I didn’t know he has parallel affairs with his students, calling it priestess „initiation“, i.e. I was supposed to be something special. What followed were years of secrets, because his public image needed to be protected, whilst he used the secret space to fill it with other students, using our emotional vulnerability and NLP tactics. In fact, what he presents on the outside is the exact opposite of what he does privately, only that he is exactly teaching that, to align your inner being with what you do. I found out what he was doing and have had the shock of my life, trying to work my way out still. The manipulation, the outrageous lies, the hypocrisy are still going on and are outrageous. I guess nobody would believe what goes on behind the scenes and I still cannot believe it myself. It makes me so angry that he leads people on and I am so angry with myself that I didn’t see that for so many years… Everytime I try to heal the anger I get triggered again, but I keep going…

  65. Your post are always so spot on but this one really hits home for me. I was raised in a cult, a spiritual bible-based cult. My parents left our church and sold our home and moved in with these people who convinced them that it was what God wanted for their life. Little by little our entire life became a fucking hell. I got out last September finally realizing what it was, was the shock and devastation of my life. Many of my friends on the outside told me that they knew there was something funny going on there.. I never even suspected, not even when back in 2013 we hired experts to come out to our group because one of the women there was going through a custody battle with her ex-husband the ex-husband was stating that she had joined a cult so she hired these experts to combat what he was saying. They instead ended up confirming that we were indeed a cult. I was literally shocked just floored that anybody would think that we were a cult. We were just a group of family and friends I thought, that liked and loved each other and wanted to be around each other and serve Yahweh together. There was child abuse, that didn’t stop when I was an adult. Char the leader calls herself àn apostle and likens herself to a modern day Moses. She abused people horribly spiritually emotionally mentally and physically. But she kind of picked and chose who she abused physically and the people who grew up there especially the women got the worst of the physical abuse. I don’t know how I didn’t know before that it was a cult. I was 35 when I left, I spent my life there thinking it was what God wanted for me. I’m glad that I know the truth but it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had so many people that loved and looked after me and now they all have nothing to do with me and truly believe I am evil and going to hell. I have been completely ostracized and demonized by my family and friends that are still there. Ill stop here I could go on for pages and probably write a book about the abuses and injustices I’ve suffered since childhood but I just want to thank you so much! For being here for people like me. These videos and posts have helped me so much. I appreciate you. God bless 🙏

  66. Yes, 30 years of marriage, almost 3 years divorced and my ex still acts as a spiritual leader in the church I attended since I was a teenager. I managed to stop attending over 12 months ago with my disabled daughter and have since been discarded by all the members, as he continues to act like the caring person that I know he is not. He continues to make up stories about me to discredit my chatacter. He has removed my entire support network with his lies.

  67. I experienced a spiritual narcissist in a very small church. She presumes to be a prophet but uses her position to mine people for resources. I entered the ‘church’ after 22 years of DV with a malignant narcissist. I gave her a Mercedes’ Benz, a new LV bag, money from shares … and she and her husband went on a shopping spree on my credit card … it was given to them for a specific purpose … to do the garden and 2 small decks … they refused to give me the receipts and spent about 10,000 dollars … she is a false prophet and the husband bullies on her behalf … he once said “when have their heart you’ve got them…” no educated individual is allowed in the church … she screens people and deliberately offends them if she thinks they will ‘ make trouble’ . I confronted her and she contacted my next church … to discredit and slander me so she did not get caught… I sent them a legal defamation letter but they have continued to defame me for years … it was so controlling … and even thought my ex-partner had tried to strangle me twice … I have to say spiritual abuse is the worst thing I have ever been through …
    She does not have a congregation but has an audience. People report back about each other so she can control and mine them … out of 30 people most are either DV survivors or have a history of mental health. When they gain strength she undermines them.- almost all of their family members think it is a cult … but she knows how to fool other pastors so remains in control of her ‘flock’. She once claimed to see Jesus walking down the isle … this was not at the healing or worship stage of the service … but during the tithing … she actually said the words “give to Jesus” and her followers actually believed her … they looked so excited … after I confronted her … everyone shunned me and believe silly lies … it’s been over 3 years and I am still recovering … plus she affected me at my new church so I couldn’t easily get settled and make new friends in the community

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