During my holiday period I had a lot of time to reflect, a lot of time to align myself and a lot of time to feel deeply into what is it that I can being to help and support the narcissistic abuse recovery community even more.
I also wanted to make this time all about me connecting energetically with my True Self.
I truly do believe that the time we are in, in regards to being vibrational beings is crucial.
Energetically we are all being called powerfully to move out of the era of external power into the shift of authentic power.
This time is a time of releasing and healing our fearful broken inner parts so that we can claim the truth of our Soul, which is love, wholeness, expansion and freedom, and unless we take on this mission as the most important mission of our life, we will find that trying to get people and things outside of us to take away our inner pain is going to be futile, and will only increase the pain.
As usual in times of deep soul-discovery and committing to myself, I had many profound experiences. It was as if every day another message, another answer was being called toward me. Every message was the same. Let go of the outer, and come home to the inner. Stop seeking remedies from the outside, and commit to releasing and transforming whatever is not working for you on the inside.
Today I am going to discuss a book that was sent to me from one of my amazing clients, Ian, as a Christmas present. This book is Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukac. It is about the journey to authentic power.
This book was incredibly perfect in relation to my next level of spiritual and personal growth.
For anyone who wants to be true joy, who wants to dedicate their life to creating authentic love, harmony and truth this is a must read book. I can’t emphasise this enough.
In fact this is arguably the most powerful book I have ever read about our relationship with self, relationships with each other and what love partnerships really are intended to be – the emergence of authentic spiritual partnerships, which truly do support the necessary shift from the Old Energy into the New Energy that we all need to evolve into if we want a life and love relationships which are healthy and fulfiiling.
The Old Energy (seeking external power) does not work anymore. It only creates powerlessness and more pain.
So how does all of this relate to being narcissistically abused?
The Agony of Powerlessness
There is a great deal of information in Gary’s book that will allow you to understand what every painful experience in your life is really about.
Gary’s philosophies totally collaborate with my philosophies, as well as many other teachers who speak about the deep inner soul solutions to life.
When we have been narcissistically abused, initially we feel like our dreams and our expectations of the wonderful life we were going to have with this person are shattered.
We feel empty, betrayed, deceived, often maliciously abused, and because we feel so stripped of our own confidence, belief in self and the knowing that we can be a source to ourself – we often remained horrifically hooked to the person abusing us, and the obsessions of ‘what they are doing’, and ‘how can I stop and fix what they are doing’ in order to be safe, loved and lovable.
If we remain stuck thinking about ‘what happened’ and ‘our dreams being smashed’ we miss the inner spiritual soul lesson of our narcissistic abuse experience.
We get stuck in judgement and blame, we keep looking to ‘the outside’ to bargain with, change and fix in order to restore ‘the life we believed we were meant to have’ and we remain powerless.
We all know that this powerless state feels excruciating.
Trying to change someone else and wrestle with this person are all methods of trying to make our life happen through ‘external power’ (powerlessness). We try to make the outside (anyone or anything) responsible for our happiness and wellbeing, until we eventually realise that this does not and cannot work.
The Shift to Authentic Power
What we have not realised, and need to, is that everything (without exception) that hurts us on the outside is merely a trigger showing us that there is a part of ourself on the ‘inside’ that is defective.
The person ‘hurting us’ was merely a catalyst triggering the wounds and powerlessness that we already had within us.
Every human being has powerless inner parts which require healing, and the grand opportunity through painful relationships and events is to release and heal these parts, so that we can claim our own authentic power.
Our centred being of authentic power (or Soul) does not feel pain. It is joy, acceptance and wholeness. Our True Self does not judge, does not hold others responsible for our wellbeing, and does not seek things or people to try to take away the pain within us that we are not taking responsibility for.
Our Soul, or True Self is ‘at one’ and it is connected to wellbeing, joy, love and peace.
Everyone without exception has a Soul. We know people whose personalities are very closely aligned with their Souls. These are the people who are grateful, at peace and radiate love, contentedness and joy. (Bali is full of these people).
We know the people whose personalities are very disconnected from their Souls. These are the people who have such intense inner pain that they refuse to take responsibility for this pain (it’s always someone else’s fault), and they will seek any ‘outer’ method, denial or projection to try to avoid it.
These people are disconnected from reverence to themselves and others. Their level of self-loathing is so high they are capable of malicious acts and using people for self-entitled agendas. They reach for extreme self-judgement, self-punishment and judgement and punishment of others. It is the inner pain that these people suffer which manifests as the ability to act in pathological ways, seek revenge and act without integrity.
These people do not learn, grow or evolve past their fractured personality.
This is the model of a personality disordered or narcissistic individual – extreme emotional inner pain, non-recognition or responsibility for this pain, and the employing of any methods available to avoid these inner scared, broken and fragmented parts.
The only thing that separates anyone from being connected to their Soul – the beauty, joy and love of self, connection to others and life – is their broken, scared and painful parts. When we claim, heal and release these parts we naturally ‘come home’ to who we really are – which is the greatest most expansive and authentic part of ourself.
We naturally become and attract joy, love, truth, reverence, integrity.
This is your grandest opportunity and the incredible gift that you can claim.
The Key to Shifting Into Your Authentic Power
The key to start claiming this gift is to move out of the personalisation of what the narcissist did to you, and the belief that you are a victim to that.
If we stay stuck in these beliefs, it means that we can’t take responsibility, we can’t heal and we can’t move out of the pain and the fear, or the powerlessness of holding someone else responsible for the creation of our joy and our life.
We need to realise a greater and deeper spiritual truth which is:
Everything we experience that is painful is showing us an unhealed part within ourself that we can heal, and therefore evolve from pain and powerlessness to authentic power.
This is happening for everyone….not just you.
If we ignore this and don’t get to what it is inside us that requires healing, life will only keep delivering the same painful messages until we do.
External Power Adds To Powerlessness
You have to realise that you are the Creator of your experience, you are more powerful than you could ever imagine. Everyone in the human experience has been disconnected from authentic power, and has taken on the beliefs of being ‘small’, ‘defective’ ‘unlovable’ ‘unworthy’ etc.
These are the massive inner wounds that every human being on this planet carries to various degrees. Because of these wounds we all started looking for love, approval and self-worth from the outside to try to stop these wounds hurting.
Items such as a better car, a better house, a love partner who could make us feel lovable and worthy, a better profession, skills that make us ‘stand out’ etc. All of these things are ‘masks’, they are all temporary hits of anaesthetic to dull the true inner pain of feeling ‘unlovable and unworthy’.
Our relationship with the narcissist was two people playing this out. The narcissist is attracted to external power, and is constantly monitoring his or her life from a position of ego, to create props and masks that cover over intense feelings of being defective, unworthy and unloveable. This plays out in the form of ‘What can I create, gain, control and ‘get’ in order to stop hurting?’
We have to admit we were the same. We believed this person was a ‘dream partner’, someone who was strong and capable enough to take away our pain, our insecurities and our fears of powerlessness in order for us to be happy and feel worthy.
The dynamic between the narcissist and the co-dependent is two empty, needy people seeking external power, rather than being committed to spiritually develop and creating true authentic power, or an authentic spiritual relationship.
The illusion is powerful. Many people report that narcissists come on very strong, are incredibly loving, giving, caring, attentive and seem to be the perfect partner.
As Gary writes close to the end of his book Spiritual Partnerships.
“Five-sensory couples (as opposed to multi-sensory / spiritual couples) begin their journey together with intense experiences of powerlessness called romantic attraction. One individual sees in another certain qualities that they admire but believe they lack. An attraction becomes noticeable then grows stronger. Even when the attraction appears to be only sexual it is so much more than that. It is attraction to the permanent release from the pain of powerlessness. Romantic attraction includes sexual attraction and, in addition, a euphoric sense of wellbeing. Each of the individuals feels more intelligent, sexual, beautiful or handsome or worthy. The other appears to be the cause of these blissful and exciting experiences. They say to each other ‘You complete me’, ‘You make my life worthwhile’ or ‘I have been looking for you for years’..
Actually they have been searching for self-value and safety all their lives, and the possibility of finding it through another is exhilarating. It is also delusional.
Saviour searching is a means of avoiding the pain of powerlessness. The loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, self-loathing, longing to be loveable and loved, and needing to love as well as be loved momentarily disappear when the ‘right’ individual appears. Finding that individual is not the end of these torments, only a temporary anesthetic.
No saviour can indefinitely mask the frightened parts of her personality from the one who is saved or from herself. Expectations are not met and disappointments follow. Cracks in the illusion widen until both individuals become visible to the other as they truly are – personalities with frightened parts to be healed.”
As Gary explains in detail – If there is not a commitment by both individuals to move from external power based relationships to authentic power based relationships they fail – even more so in this time where fear based external power can only create painful results that simply don’t work anymore.
If we wish to create authentic relationships, the only way to do this is to become authentic with ourselves, and attract and consciously choose partners who are also willing to transform their powerlessness into authentic power.
We can, and will only do this, when we fully claim the healing of our powerlessness that has led us into these dynamics.
You Are Your One True Healer
In order to heal these fearful and powerless parts of ourself we need to get our focus off the narcissist, and firmly on to ourself.
It’s very important to understand that your true healing does not lie in external answers. No-one knows your Soul, your pain and your powerlessness. Outside people can only ‘guess’…but how can they know when they are not you?
In order to truly bridge the gap between your personality and your Soul (True Self) you have to release and heal the parts of your personality that are fractured, are hurting and are causing you to feel powerless. These are the parts that are taking you forward into unfulfilling life and love experiences. These are the parts that are attracting the people who will trigger these wounds.
This is where your ego, blame, self-denial and outer focus need to be firmly out of the way. This is where you need to drop into your painful feelings with full humility, honesty and raw openness with yourself – stating to yourself “I know I have painful and powerless parts only I can heal, and I realise every painful event is showing me this”.
Then open up and feel deeply into your pain and ask yourself questions and I promise you that when you follow your feelings with love, compassion, humility and make it firmly all about yourself, you will track your pain back to ‘Where does this come from?’ You will get the answer as to what the origins of this pain and powerlessness is, and you will also be granted the intuition and answers about how to heal it.
The limitless infinite intelligence of your Soul, which is calling you forward to your True Self, holds ever key and every answer for you.
No-one else does. Your Soul can create the synchronicities in your life to grant you ‘messages’ to prompt you – however your healing lies firmly between you and you. Other people can only grant you awareness of how you can heal you.
When you commit to this inner journey of releasing and transforming yourself, then you close the gap between your fractured personality and your Soul, and you get closer and closer to your True Self essence.
You will realise when you become authentic power, fullness and peace (free of internal pain), that the happiness provided by outside stuff and people was only momentarily keeping you distracted from your wounds. These wounds of course were only going to keep re-presenting over and over again in between these ‘happy’ times.
The release of your inner painful reasons and origins opens you up to Joy, which becomes a constant, a ‘just isness’ of reverence, love and connection to self and life.
It is only at True Self level where you feel fulfilled, ‘full’ and ‘real’ and ‘love’ without the precarious necessity for outside props and people.
This is your goal –this will be your life, and when you commit to this goal you will receive experiences and people who are also vibrating at the same authentic level.
Water always seeks its own level…
If you have read Spiritual Partnerships or any other of Gary Zukav’s books I would love to hear what you got out of them, and if they helped you in claiming your authentic power in the comments below.
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