Melanie Tonia Evans

Claiming Your Authentic Power After Narcissistic Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

During my holiday period I had a lot of time to reflect, a lot of time to align myself and a lot of time to feel deeply into what is it that I can being to help and support the narcissistic abuse recovery community even more.

I also wanted to make this time all about me connecting energetically with my True Self.

I truly do believe that the time we are in, in regards to being vibrational beings is crucial.

Energetically we are all being called powerfully to move out of the era of external power into the shift of authentic power.

This time is a time of releasing and healing our fearful broken inner parts so that we can claim the truth of our Soul, which is love, wholeness, expansion and freedom, and unless we take on this mission as the most important mission of our life, we will find that trying to get people and things outside of us to take away our inner pain is going to be futile, and will only increase the pain.

As usual in times of deep soul-discovery and committing to myself, I had many profound experiences. It was as if every day another message, another answer was being called toward me. Every message was the same. Let go of the outer, and come home to the inner. Stop seeking remedies from the outside, and commit to releasing and transforming whatever is not working for you on the inside.

Today I am going to discuss a book that was sent to me from one of my amazing clients, Ian, as a Christmas present. This book is Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukac. It is about the journey to authentic power.

This book was incredibly perfect in relation to my next level of spiritual and personal growth.

For anyone who wants to be true joy, who wants to dedicate their life to creating authentic love, harmony and truth this is a must read book. I can’t emphasise this enough.

In fact this is arguably the most powerful book I have ever read about our relationship with self, relationships with each other and what love partnerships really are intended to be – the emergence of authentic spiritual partnerships, which truly do support the necessary shift from the Old Energy into the New Energy that we all need to evolve into if we want a life and love relationships which are healthy and fulfiiling.

The Old Energy (seeking external power) does not work anymore. It only creates powerlessness and more pain.

So how does all of this relate to being narcissistically abused?


The Agony of Powerlessness

There is a great deal of information in Gary’s book that will allow you to understand what every painful experience in your life is really about.

Gary’s philosophies totally collaborate with my philosophies, as well as many other teachers who speak about the deep inner soul solutions to life.

When we have been narcissistically abused, initially we feel like our dreams and our expectations of the wonderful life we were going to have with this person are shattered.

We feel empty, betrayed, deceived, often maliciously abused, and because we feel so stripped of our own confidence, belief in self and the knowing that we can be a source to ourself – we often remained horrifically hooked to the person abusing us, and the obsessions of ‘what they are doing’, and ‘how can I stop and fix what they are doing’ in order to be safe, loved and lovable.

If we remain stuck thinking about ‘what happened’ and ‘our dreams being smashed’ we miss the inner spiritual soul lesson of our narcissistic abuse experience.

We get stuck in judgement and blame, we keep looking to ‘the outside’ to bargain with, change and fix in order to restore ‘the life we believed we were meant to have’ and we remain powerless.

We all know that this powerless state feels excruciating.

Trying to change someone else and wrestle with this person are all methods of trying to make our life happen through ‘external power’ (powerlessness). We try to make the outside (anyone or anything) responsible for our happiness and wellbeing, until we eventually realise that this does not and cannot work.


The Shift to Authentic Power

What we have not realised, and need to, is that everything (without exception) that hurts us on the outside is merely a trigger showing us that there is a part of ourself on the ‘inside’ that is defective.

The person ‘hurting us’ was merely a catalyst triggering the wounds and powerlessness that we already had within us.

Every human being has powerless inner parts which require healing, and the grand opportunity through painful relationships and events is to release and heal these parts, so that we can claim our own authentic power.

Our centred being of authentic power (or Soul) does not feel pain. It is joy, acceptance and wholeness. Our True Self does not judge, does not hold others responsible for our wellbeing, and does not seek things or people to try to take away the pain within us that we are not taking responsibility for.

Our Soul, or True Self is ‘at one’ and it is connected to wellbeing, joy, love and peace.

Everyone without exception has a Soul. We know people whose personalities are very closely aligned with their Souls. These are the people who are grateful, at peace and radiate love, contentedness and joy. (Bali is full of these people).

We know the people whose personalities are very disconnected from their Souls. These are the people who have such intense inner pain that they refuse to take responsibility for this pain (it’s always someone else’s fault), and they will seek any ‘outer’ method, denial or projection to try to avoid it.

These people are disconnected from reverence to themselves and others. Their level of self-loathing is so high they are capable of malicious acts and using people for self-entitled agendas. They reach for extreme self-judgement, self-punishment and judgement and punishment of others. It is the inner pain that these people suffer which manifests as the ability to act in pathological ways, seek revenge and act without  integrity.

These people do not learn, grow or evolve past their fractured personality.

This is the model of a personality disordered or narcissistic individual – extreme emotional inner pain, non-recognition or responsibility for this pain, and the employing of any methods available to avoid these inner scared, broken and fragmented parts.

The only thing that separates anyone from being connected to their Soul – the beauty, joy and love of self, connection to others and life – is their broken, scared and painful parts. When we claim, heal and release these parts we naturally ‘come home’ to who we really are – which is the greatest most expansive and authentic part of ourself.

We naturally become and attract joy, love, truth, reverence, integrity.

This is your grandest opportunity and the incredible gift that you can claim.


The Key to Shifting Into Your Authentic Power

The key to start claiming this gift is to move out of the personalisation of what the narcissist did to you, and the belief that you are a victim to that.

If we stay stuck in these beliefs, it means that we can’t take responsibility, we can’t heal and we can’t move out of the pain and the fear, or the powerlessness of holding someone else responsible for the creation of our joy and our life.

We need to realise a greater and deeper spiritual truth which is:

Everything we experience that is painful is showing us an unhealed part within ourself that we can heal, and therefore evolve from pain and powerlessness to authentic power.

This is happening for everyone….not just you.

If we ignore this and don’t get to what it is inside us that requires healing, life will only keep delivering the same painful messages until we do.


External Power Adds To Powerlessness

You have to realise that you are the Creator of your experience, you are more powerful than you could ever imagine. Everyone in the human experience has been disconnected from authentic power, and has taken on the beliefs of being ‘small’, ‘defective’ ‘unlovable’ ‘unworthy’ etc.

These are the massive inner wounds that every human being on this planet carries to various degrees. Because of these wounds we all started looking for love, approval and self-worth from the outside to try to stop these wounds hurting.

Items such as a better car, a better house, a love partner who could make us feel lovable and worthy, a better profession, skills that make us ‘stand out’ etc. All of these things are ‘masks’, they are all temporary hits of anaesthetic to dull the true inner pain of feeling ‘unlovable and unworthy’.

Our relationship with the narcissist was two people playing this out. The narcissist is attracted to external power, and is constantly monitoring his or her life from a position of ego, to create props and masks that cover over intense feelings of being defective, unworthy and unloveable. This plays out in the form of ‘What can I create, gain, control and ‘get’ in order to stop hurting?’

We have to admit we were the same. We believed this person was a ‘dream partner’, someone who was strong and capable enough to take away our pain, our insecurities and our fears of powerlessness in order for us to be happy and feel worthy.

The dynamic between the narcissist and the co-dependent is two empty, needy people seeking external power, rather than being committed to spiritually develop and creating true authentic power, or an authentic spiritual relationship.

The illusion is powerful. Many people report that narcissists come on very strong, are incredibly loving, giving, caring, attentive and seem to be the perfect partner.

As Gary writes close to the end of his book Spiritual Partnerships.

“Five-sensory couples (as opposed to multi-sensory / spiritual couples) begin their journey together with intense experiences of powerlessness called romantic attraction. One individual sees in another certain qualities that they admire but believe they lack. An attraction becomes noticeable then grows stronger. Even when the attraction appears to be only sexual it is so much more than that. It is attraction to the permanent release from the pain of powerlessness. Romantic attraction includes sexual attraction and, in addition, a euphoric sense of wellbeing. Each of the individuals feels more intelligent, sexual, beautiful or handsome or worthy. The other appears to be the cause of these blissful and exciting experiences. They say to each other ‘You complete me’, ‘You make my life worthwhile’ or ‘I have been looking for you for years’..

Actually they have been searching for self-value and safety all their lives, and the possibility of finding it through another is exhilarating. It is also delusional.

Saviour searching is a means of avoiding the pain of powerlessness. The loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, self-loathing, longing to be loveable and loved, and needing to love as well as be loved momentarily disappear when the ‘right’ individual appears. Finding that individual is not the end of these torments, only a temporary anesthetic.

No saviour can indefinitely mask the frightened parts of her personality from the one who is saved or from herself. Expectations are not met and disappointments follow. Cracks in the illusion widen until both individuals become visible to the other as they truly are – personalities with frightened parts to be healed.”

As Gary explains in detail – If there is not a commitment by both individuals to move from external power based relationships to authentic power based relationships they fail – even more so in this time where fear based external power can only create painful results that simply don’t work anymore.

If we wish to create authentic relationships, the only way to do this is to become authentic with ourselves, and attract and consciously choose partners who are also willing to transform their powerlessness into authentic power.

We can, and will only do this, when we fully claim the healing of our powerlessness that has led us into these dynamics.


You Are Your One True Healer

In order to heal these fearful and powerless parts of ourself we need to get our focus off the narcissist, and firmly on to ourself.

It’s very important to understand that your true healing does not lie in external answers. No-one knows your Soul, your pain and your powerlessness. Outside people can only ‘guess’…but how can they know when they are not you?

In order to truly bridge the gap between your personality and your Soul (True Self) you have to release and heal the parts of your personality that are fractured, are hurting and are causing you to feel powerless. These are the parts that are taking you forward into unfulfilling life and love experiences. These are the parts that are attracting the people who will trigger these wounds.

This is where your ego, blame, self-denial and outer focus need to be firmly out of the way. This is where you need to drop into your painful feelings with full humility, honesty and raw openness with yourself – stating to yourself “I know I have painful and powerless parts only I can heal, and I realise every painful event is showing me this”.

Then open up and feel deeply into your pain and ask yourself questions and I promise you that when you follow your feelings with love, compassion, humility and make it firmly all about yourself, you will track your pain back to  ‘Where does this come from?’ You will get the answer as to what the origins of this pain and powerlessness is, and you will also be granted the intuition and answers about how to heal it.

The limitless infinite intelligence of your  Soul, which is calling you forward to your True Self, holds ever key and every answer for you.

No-one else does. Your Soul can create the synchronicities in your life to grant you ‘messages’ to prompt you – however your healing lies firmly between you and you. Other people can only grant you awareness of how you can heal you.

When you commit to this inner journey of releasing and transforming yourself, then you close the gap between your fractured personality and your Soul, and you get closer and closer to your True Self essence.

You will realise when you become authentic power, fullness and peace (free of internal pain), that the happiness provided by outside stuff and people was only momentarily keeping you distracted from your wounds. These wounds of course were only going to keep re-presenting over and over again in between these ‘happy’ times.

The release of your inner painful reasons and origins opens you up to Joy, which becomes a constant, a ‘just isness’ of reverence, love and connection to self and life.

It is only at True Self level where you feel fulfilled, ‘full’ and ‘real’ and ‘love’ without the precarious necessity for outside props and people.

This is your goal –this will be your life, and when you commit to this goal you will receive experiences and people who are also vibrating at the same authentic level.

Water always seeks its own level…

If you have read Spiritual Partnerships or any other of Gary Zukav’s books I would love to hear what you got out of them, and if they helped you in claiming your authentic power in the comments below.




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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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61 Thoughts on Claiming Your Authentic Power After Narcissistic Abuse
    Irene Madrid
    January 23, 2013

    FINALLY..I am on my way. I went through Melanie’s program..actually several times. Then, as I would go through my day I’d do ” spot’ sessions of emptying out the blackness and bringing light into my body ( imagery-wise). I would take my child and bring her gently and lovingly towards that inner light that I was now filled with.

    Weeks later Istrated standing up for what I knew was right in the family business. Sometimes I’d remind myself that I am loved and I am wonderful. It still centers me as I have stood up and made changes I needed to do years ago.

    Staying in touch with my feelings then asking myself what I need to do and what are my feelings telling me, gives me authentic answers. Life is still tough. But, I have tools to make good decisions and not react to events.

    I like my own company: I have gone to weddings alone and loved it. I have skiied by myself and enjoyed it. I have gone to movies alone and it was great. I don’t need someone to make me happy; I am happy as is.

    Thank you Melanie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2013

      Hi Irene,

      that is wonderful that you are on your way!

      It is terrific that you are doing the healing inner work and releasing the pain (blackness) and aligning with the truth of your soul (the light), and no longer looking to the outside to take the pain away…

      That is great you are coming home to loving and being at peace with you. It is only when we are full and happy that we can meet someone else of a similiar vibration to share healthy love and fullness.

      You are doing a great job Irene!

      Mel xo

      January 24, 2013

      Hi Mel, I have been studying and using your methods to get me thru a very bad period. I plan to get Gary’s book. In most of my relationships if I feel I am being used and treated unfairly I will quit the relationship. But in my marriage I did not do this. My husband is an alcoholic and when he hit rock bottom and after I walked away, he asked for my help. He pulled me back in. My whole family opened their arms wide to help him and he has been sober for 6 years. At his point I used all of our assets to clean up the mess he created. But the issues I thought would go away (verbal abuse, controlling, tit for tat) when he stopped drinking became more intense. He became controlling and tried to get me to bend to his will by witholding affection and money (he would not help me with needed bills that he felt were mine alone). I refused to give in and told him I would not attempt to work on the marriage unless he and we went to counseling which he promised to do so when I agreed to help with his recovery. He refused and told me it was I who needed to work on myself. I did not believe that load of bull but spend too much time trying to prove to him I not the problem. So after 30 years we are getting a divorce. I now realize that in this whole process I have lost my spirituality because I allowed myself to engage in a relationship that was so one sided. Your program is helping me retrieve my inner self which I had lost somewhere long the way. My big PROBLEM THOUGH is that I cannot do no contact because we work together. I am in the process of how to deal with this – quit, see if I can work from home ….. ?

      Thru your progam, I know I will figure this out.

      Thank you

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 24, 2013

        Hi Julie,

        It is totally understandable that in your marriage you gave it all you had…and of course it is understandable that you believed that he was an alcoholic trying to recover, and not a narcissist with an addiction to alcohol.

        It is great that you are now regaining your spirit, your soul, and you will be able to clean up the inner fear and pain that has led you into such a marriage.

        Yes, you will figure out what to do, and until then as much strict Modified Contact as you possibly can.

        Keep going and keep being strong..


        Mel xo

    January 23, 2013

    I have not read this book, but will look him and the book up for sure! Thanks! As so many times before, I have received much value from your post. I want to know if having the shift from blame to personal responsibility can feel uncomfortable, and even like, well, yuk. I am seeing that what kept me in the dance was my own reactivity, and going back for more. I am feeling regret that I did not disengage and regret how easily I reacted to him. In that way I was just as much a participant by giving him the reaction that kept the focus on me, instead of the issue I was addressing in the first place. My compulsion to blame him for being so mean and cruel leaves me a victim, and a martyr….and a bit self righteous now…..and feeling a little stupid. I am wondering if I am on the right track here…I know in taking responsibility I need to be gentle with myself as well…..when I realized my role, I felt compelled to write him and apologize for being reactive, because I was feeling remorse….but then I stopped myself at the point of sending it, and just released forgiveness in my heart, without putting myself before the ‘firing squad’ so to speak. My unhealed parts are my dark places that suppress the light….i am thinking that is why I hear you use the word humility….it takes it to face the truth…..and I am only beginning to hold on to my part and his part without feeling responsible for both. ….that is integrity, or integration of all my parts into one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      that is wonderful that you are going to order the book – it is very life-affirming and powerful!

      Oh yes of course this shift is difficult at first! It means that we have to drop the illusions ‘I am right and everyone else is wrong!’ It means rather than trying to escape the pain by blaming others that we have to take responsibility for it in order to heal it.

      The ego never wants to do that!

      This is TOTALLY about humility (self-honesty), humility being the ultimate key to self-development, because without it there is no ability to change, heal or stop outworn, painful or destructive patterns.

      When we use the deeper healing processes with humility we feel the pain intensely in regard to challenging and owning our broken, scared, inner parts – but then when follows when we embrace them with honesty, release them and transform them is the bliss of relief, the feeling of liberation and the total recognition that the deep inner ache and pain (that we have been trying to avoid) is gone….

      And we feel a deep shift away from pain, blame, shame, resentment and victimhood back to joy, faith and an incredible solid feeling of partnership with life (like everything ‘as is’ is in perfect and divine order).

      The anxiety, fear and emptiness diminishes rapidly and love for ourself and life opens up.

      Yes you are on the right track! Lose the guilt, the shame, and replace it with the fascination of going inwards, fully claiming your pain, owning it and asking yourself ‘What is it in me that is hurting and why?’ and do that inner work.

      Don’t contact him – because even if you are going to take full responsibility, he can’t and won’t, and you will be only offering up yourself as more reasons as to why you were an inadequate partner for him – for him to abuse you with – as the scapegoat for avoiding and denying his own inner painful parts and associated behaviour.

      Let go of his part – that is not your repsonsibility. Your part is your unhealed parts, and when you no longer try to take responsibility for someone who refuses to take responsibility for themself, you will start attracting people and a partner who can and will.

      Then your model of life will be liberation, real love, true intimacy, trust and ‘realness’.

      Mel xo

    January 23, 2013

    I read the blog and ordered the book. I’m desperate to feel better than I do now. I kicked him out 7 mos ago. We had no contact for 5 mos, then I initiated contact. I wanted the final 4 loads of his stuff out of here. In essence, what I did was pick the scab off of a very deep and slow healing wound, exposing it. I’m angry now. He lives with the woman he met shortly after moving in with me. He would tell me they were just friends. I never met her. Now they are just roommates. He lies and lies and lies. I supported him for 14 mos. I asked when he would make reparations. He said he won’t. I want to take him to court and sue for reparations. My self esteem suffered greatly, constant name calling, yelling, emotional, mental abuse. I allowed him to treat me like crap and I paid his way!! I just want to get better, get strong, heal from this and most importantly move past this and forget him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2013

      Hi Thaliesin,

      That is so great you ordered the book.

      Okay the most empowering thing you wrote in your post is ‘I allowed him’.

      I want you to know this, and it is very important. It is only a very small percentage of people who continue to stay with pathological liars, people who behave abusively amd malisciously, and who have a greater fear of being out of the relationship than staying in it – despite everything screaming that this person has hurt me horrifically, has the capacity to do so without empathy, and there is every chance of it continuing to occur.

      You, I and many of the people in this community fell into that category – that small category of extreme tolerance to totally unacceptable behaviour.

      The real question we need to ask ourself is WHY? And when we ask that question we need to not make it about ‘him’, because truly ‘he’ was only a catalyst, a lesson showing us what we had not as yet healed within ourself.

      Don’t blame him for you ‘allowing it’. Let go, take responsibility and heal this pattern within you. Then you will feel incredible relief, and then he will no longer be ‘a person who hurt me’, he will be ‘a lesson that healed me’.

      If you haven’t looked at NARP, it is a powerful resource coupled with Gary’s book to really dig in, take responsibility and find and heal your inner pain that allowed you to allow the pain from him.

      That is what you can do to get better…

      Mel xo

        January 24, 2013

        Your reply to Thaliesin really hit home with me. I am that person. I am “loyal to a fault.” I have extreme tolerance to totally unacceptable behavior. How do I know when to separate “for better or worse,” from being abused. I am so confused about what where I need to be in my life. My spouse is a pathological liar. I can’t distinguish lies from truths when he speaks. He has cheated on me twice (that I know of) in our 30 years together. The last time was 4 months ago and was through internet chatting dating/sexting, that apparently had been going on with several women over a 4 month period of time. The issue is that during this time that he was doing this, we had been over the last few years been enjoying more intimacy, love, partnership and fun than ever before. I had felt better about our lives together than ever before. Granted there was always the underlying lack of trust issue from the previous affair 20 years ago, and we had issues over his “privacy” demands with his phone and internet use. But, I ignored that…I was trying to rebuild trust in him and now I realize I am responsible for allowing what happened to me by allowing him his “privacy” even when it didn’t feel right. But, his anger and belittling me of not trusting him made me feel like I was the one with the problem. Still, I couldn’t validate a real reason to end a relationship over his need for cell phone/internet privacy. Now, I am in a bad place of needing out of this toxic relationship, while he is holding on, seeing a counselor per my request, and also feeling like I’m not sure I want him to let me go…thus still giving him my power.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 24, 2013

          Hi Anita,

          this is the dance of a relationship when we stay with an unsafe and unhealthy partner…

          We are ‘loyal to a fault’, we stay, we take them back, we hope for change, and the events, reocurrences and the same behaviour keeps being presented over and over again…and the intense pain, fear and shock we suffer continues.

          Here is the criteria of these relationships. Trust has been smashed. We are continually lied to, and often in amongst proclamations and grandstanding by that person of how ‘They deserve to be trusted and are telling the truth”, and “Its really our issue and stuff”.

          Narcs are famous for attacking you for your inability to believe in them, trust them, and accuse you of paranoia, conspiracy theories and psychological disturbances.

          …Whilst of course continuing to operate pathologically.

          …And of course if we stay we are paranoid! We know we have been lied to outrageously, everything intuitively is screaming at us this person can’t be trusted, and our entire vibrational being feels on edge and unsafe.

          How many times have you observed bare faced statements from him that were exposed as lies?…

          Then of course what followed is not healthy remorse or ownership, it is excuses, more lies to create justifications, projections and tit for tat retaliations, and of course shifting blame on to you.

          This is why the greater majority of people would never tolerate a relationship with a pathological liar. They know that without trust there is no possibility of healthy love, connection and intimacy – and they simply would not do it to themselves.

          They also know that without genuine healthy remorse and ownership (not after a titanic battle to gain it), a person is not going to going to take responsibility and change their behaviour, and it will inevitably happen again.

          Most people know this intuitively and leave….again the question you need to ask yourself (like earlier posts I have answered) “Why don’t you know this, feel that the pain of staying would be greater than the pain of leaving and honour yourself?”

          Be VERY clear – it is only someone who is very mind-disordered who has the ability to play power games, control and manipulation at this pathological level.

          Narcs will look you straight in the eye, even supply the appropriate emotions that allows you to believe what they are saying is credible, and be telling a pathological lie whilst doing so..

          People with any sense of connection to their soul, themselves, life and others – could not even IMAGINE playing those sorts of games which smash the integrity of love and relationships.

          THIS is the reason you need to end this relationship – don’t try to pinpoint it down to any semantics such as ‘he should be allowed his privacy’…all of that is just smokescreens and confusion…

          If a grown man operates at this level, and has the capacity to operate at this level he is NOT going to change, and he is certainly not going to get to the bottom of the reasons why he behaves like this through going to counselling for you.

          He will instead by avoiding looking at his deep issues, and will be twisting it all into excuses, justifications and ‘reasons’ why you are to blame for his behaviour.

          Be very clear about this..

          You stated this last event was taking place at a time when you felt the relationship was on track. It is very usual for narcs to sabotage times when ‘things are great’. On the inside narcs feel they are unlovable and unworthy, they are also masters of intense self-hatred and self-punishment, often consciously in the ways they talk to themself when the inner demons of shame and guilt appear, and unconsciously in their life when things start to get healthy, normal and loving.

          Their unconscious driver is self-punishemnt – hence why they sabotage ‘being happy and fulfilled’.

          Many of the worst times people experience with narcissists happen just after, or in the midst of ‘wonderful’ times…

          This is very, very commonly reported.

          I know it is going to be tough for you to face the truth, you know you need out (and have stated it)…so please just know there is a way forward, you can claim your healing and you can change this pattern in your life.

          It won’t be through him getting ‘well’, it will happen as a result of you doing what you need to do for you…

          I hope I have smacked you between the eyes sufficiently for you to get very clear about the truth of what this relationship really is.

          Good luck, warm hugs and know there is support here for you.

          Mel xo

            January 30, 2013

            I appreciate your candid, very honest response to me. You did certainly smacked me “between the eyes” with the things, again that you said that were right on the mark in my relationship with my spouse. In reality, I think I have always known the “truth of what this relationship really is.”
            I debated whether to reply back to you or not, because I know that I asked for your input and now I’m going to probably respond exactly like you would anticipate that I would, given that you have dealt with so many of us and them.
            But, you know what, here goes. It truly concerns me that you automatically suggest that I end my 30 year marriage/relationship with this man. You don’t really know me or him. You don’t know that we dated since 18 and married at 20 and that everything that I am and he is and that we have is all so tightly woven together that in order to separate all of that, would be excruciating…and I’m not even sure that word is adequate. Don’t get me wrong. I KNOW that I would be 100% on my own. So, it’s not fear of being alone that holds me to this relationship.
            In your response to me, you make it sound as if there is NO hope, and maybe you are right, maybe I am living with a horrible, unchangeable, self-serving, unreachable man. And, trust me, I know that about him. I don’t like it, and he wasn’t always that way. On the other hand, he has provided, and cared for me and our children for 30 years, we have 2 GREAT children together (I don’t think that was by accident), and now a beautiful 3 week old grandson.
            Am I tired of being lied to, betrayed, abused…absolutely! But, when 80% of our lives is filled with love and care and GOOD, …why would I end it now?
            I’m 50 years old,…I’ve been doing this “dance” in this relationship for 30 years. Yes, I am profoundly hurt. I don’t understand why he did what he did, probably never will, and I don’t know what to do at this point, but some understanding that sometimes, you just can’t walk away from everything that you have and are just because your spouse has an issue that you say can’t be “fixed.” I’m NOT happy right now! I feel broken. I know that I will NEVER trust him again and that this is HIS fault.
            He has been remorseful and has accepted complete responsibility for his actions. He seems to sincerely want me to stay in his life.
            I have no guarantees that he’s sincere, or that he won’t screw up again. Do any of us in our relationships?
            Maybe I’m just trying to rationalize the situation, maybe I do need to leave, maybe I will have regrets, maybe I should have left 20 years ago…., but at the end of the day, when I make that decision, I have to believe that whatever I do, I have to be able to live with knowing that I made the best decision I could at the time.
            Am I a hopeless subject for you? Do I simply fit right into the category of codependent?

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            January 30, 2013

            Hi Anita,

            What you are feeling is very normal.

            Your words ‘I need out of this toxic relationship’ were the words I heard from your emotional ‘gut’…in your post to me. This is why I took the line of being as direct as I was to you.

            Yes it is very usual to use ‘cognitive dissonance’ to hope, to analyse, to be very aware of what can be lost, and to justify because of the good aspects.

            You of course need to weigh it up, and if you are prepared to live your life with him knowing it could happen again…and you don’t feel you will ever trust him, of course can choose this…

            Or you could choose the knowing and work on yourself to believe you deserve fidelity, you do deserve integrity and know that by partnering yourself there can be a future with those values and reality for you..

            Sweetie, you are not hopeless, and truly it is your choice….I am not going to ‘force’ anything to you that you do not choose for yourself…sometimes we just haven’t had enough – and of course where you are at, you do wish to stay on – you’re not done – and it won’t be until you are (if that occurs) that you will create for yourself a different reality…

            All of that is perfectly okay…

            You are right there are no guarantees, but what we do know is there are certain personality types that are capable of pathological behaviour and many, many people in the world that just are not.

            You say he IS taking responsibility…..that grants you a glimmer…see what transpires..

            Mel xo

            February 2, 2013

            Hello Melanie,
            Have just read the entire interchange between you and Anita.

            Anita’s reactions are not surprising.
            I have seen this kind of thing before, as well.

            Some thoughts on it all:
            I have seen people who have been in relationships with narcs for 20, 30, 40, 50 years get out of those relationships, take responsibility for their own lives and move forward in very positive ways. The point is that it would not be something that no one has ever done before.

            Anita may not be ready to take full responsibility for her own life. Many people have been, essentially, brainwashed into thinking that someone else should be there to “make them happy”. No one can “make” someone else happy. All each of us can do is to do what we can to make ourselves happy (and that means taking responsibility for our own lives) and help others do what they can to make themselves happy; hopefully in such ways so that we do not give our own power away.

            Anita is also overlooking the fact that most narcs never “get better” or heal completely from being narcs. It just does not work that way. Most narcs think they are fine just the way they are but oftenly will go through the motions of going to therapy and/or counseling just to so-called make the partner happy, or to just shut them up. All the while the narc is lying; very skillfully and cleverly- to the counselor as well as everyone else.

            The other thing Anita might think about is that the longer she stays in a relationship with a narc there is the sad possibility that she will pick up some of his traits and become about as toxic as a narc to not only herself but to others as well.

    julie kruger
    January 23, 2013

    Oh Mel!…I cannot believe how timely this is. I have been searching for a book to read and haven’t been satiated with anything. I went to my bookshelf and pulled out Gary’s books, ‘seat of the soul’ and ‘heart of the soul’ and have been ploughing through them picking up things that I have missed the first couple of times, but am still looking for ‘it’ to hit me. Your email hit me…the next step….it’s the one and it’s so timely for me. I feel as though I have recently been in the wings studying for a major role, but was unsure what that role was. Now I know….it’s me! Cannot wait to get my hands on this book. Gary is brilliant. Love and big hugs special girl xxx

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    January 23, 2013

    Hi Julie,

    So lovely to hear from you!

    If you liked Gary’s other books – (I have just gone back to Seat of the Soul myself) and have ordered Heart of the Soul (can’t find my old copy), I know you will LOVE this one!

    Like you when I first read Gary’s stuff I missed things too – but now it truly is so pertinent!

    Oh yes sweetie it is YOU! Everything is vibrationally us, so what else is there to do other than become the best, loving, creative, expansive and whole vibration we can?

    It’s truly where it is all going for this really special year….

    I love it!

    Love and squeezy hugs back darling.

    Mel xo

    January 23, 2013

    Hi Mel, I love the sound of this book and will get stuck into it. Wow there are just so many layers to coming home to your true self. Just when I think I have got to a wonderful state in life, another test or challenge appears for me to overcome and get to an even better state of happiness. What is great is that these obstacles are overcome quite quickly these days as I get better with my boundaries and self value. I still go back to NARP at times and find all your emails so spot on. Thank you XXJane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 24, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      Life and our soul are the perfect collaberation totally. And when we understand that we are first and foremost a spiritual being (rather than a purely five sensory physical being), we can ‘see’ clearly that any challenge (pain) is prompting us to honour the spiritual (our real purpose) and shed the parts of our personality that are triggered by this ‘outside event’…

      Life calls forth everything we need to release and transform the fractured parts of our personality and get closer and closer to our true soul essence (joy, creativity, peace, love.)

      It is fantastic that you are overcoming these obstacles quickly – because the only way you can do that is make the necessary adjustment within yourself.

      This means the same obstacles certainly don’t need to and won’t keep re-presenting, because you are getting the message,and claiming responsibility to make your inner changes.

      Fantastic stuff! You will love the book Jane!

      Mel xo

    January 23, 2013

    I am so grateful for this journey I have begun Melanie. The journey to discover who I really am. I am learning so much. I would never have begun this inner work of discovery if I had not gone through the Narc experience. I would have remained with that sense of something wrong and ill at ease within me, always shirking responsibility for it, always trying to escape the pain of it and never ever facing it.

    Your NARP programme is amazing, I can feel the shift and I feel as if I am truly growing back into the light again after so long wandering around in the dark.

    You are a truly inspirational teacher. Thank you Melanie so much. Love and light and lots of hugs xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 24, 2013

      Hi Carolyn,

      I always love it when someone’s heart sings with gratitude.

      It is such a beautiful feeling to know that no matter what we go through it has such a beautiful blessing, which always is the healing of our painful parts and bursting through to even greater joy, purpose and fullness in life.

      THis is EXACTLY what pain is supposed to create! And if we don’t use if for that purpose then it never goes, we have to try to cover it over and carry on, try to get someone on the outside to fix it for us, and life will only bring the pain up and into our experience again, and again, and again.

      Not using pain from the outer to tranform pain on the inner is a total recipe for repeating the same behaviours and pain with no self-awareness, change or personal growth…

      Fabbo you have faced the pain – and you are claiming the joy and transformation within yourself!

      Hun you are so incredibly welcome, and big hugs and love to you Carolyn!

      Mel xo

    January 24, 2013

    I always find so much wisdom and potential strength in your blogs, et al. But, here is my personal stumbling block that causes me to say, “yes, but. . .”

    An 18 year relationship ended in May 2012. There had been a lot of “should have ended” points for several years before that (maybe since the beginning). I am now 70 years old. I have a pretty successful career, I am “doing things” that I believe come from my “true self,” etc.

    The stumbling lock? So much of what I read (not all, but “so much”) suggests that by healing and loving one’s self, one is prepared for healthy “real” relationships. And then, I take two steps back. I feel so much sadness in investing 18 years in what I now realize only revealed my hidden and broken parts! And (wrong or right thinking) I feel the pain of being alone, of being emotionally isolated for the remainder of my life.

    Goodness, I’m afraid I haven’t explained myself well so I will stop babbling and hope that perhaps someone understands what I’m trying to say.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 24, 2013

      Hi Jay,

      I am so glad my material can help and does resonate with you.

      Okay here is the truth that can help you…in regard to soul truth and eneregtic law (the just ‘isness’)..there is no ‘yes but..”

      The “yes but” is coming from your feelings of powerlessness and fear and pain, the unhealed parts of you that as yet you haven’t claimed your fullness and power on.

      Jay you have stated that this 18 year relationship was certainly not a relationship you should have tolerated for 18 years.

      I would wager that if your sister, a dear friend or your child had been in this relationship and you were observing it from the outside you would wish and ‘see’ that the person you deeply loved and cared for should be out of this relationship…you would also believe they WOULD be better off out of this relationship.

      Yes you have great sadness is your investment. This sadness will continue until you can get to the ‘Why did I continue to invest in a relationship that was clearly hurting me?’

      You may be 70 Jay, but as an unlimited being it is never too late. If you believe that you are an eternal being you can also realise that this lifetime is certainly not all there is…you can embrace that you are a soul on a never-ending eternal journey of life and your greatest challenge / mission / liberation is to evolve…..not reaching for instant gratification to try to stop the pain (which never works and only delays the inevitable requirement to face it), but rather for your forward moving vibration and creations eternally in life.

      To become the freedom and the truth of who you really are…

      I know of people in their 80s who have worked on themself and procured healthy, respectful and reverent love relationships…and truly even if you didn’t, you have the ability to feel whole, joyous and your purpose and soul truth.

      Within you…

      No-one Jay can give you inner love, worthiness, self-acceptance, self-reverence and joy..

      No-one and no-thing and certainly never a love partner.

      A love partner is only ever going to supply you with more feelings about how you really feel about yourself…at any age and under all circumstances.

      The charades of pretending to be whole and happy, and trying to be everything a love partner would like you to be can only hold up for a period of time, then the masks crack and the reality of the pain underneath has to emerge and play out.

      Truly your key is to realise the despair, the loss and the regret are only keeping you separated from ‘what you can do’, which is truly claim the real reason and purpose of the pain, which is there to be the gateway to healing you.

      By doing so, if and when this relationship comes into your life there will be two people sharing love, self-worth and joy, rather than two people trying to get someone else to take away their internal pain.

      You certainly do not have to be lonely when alone…and you certainly do not need a partner to not be emotionally isolated.

      When you heal the fears and the blocks that have created these painful feelings (and others) as belief systems, Jay you can and will break forth into the truth of your Soul.

      Which is an amazing women who is joy and love and connection to life. And you have the ability to get this right and set this up as an eternal flow of your energy with life from here on, if you do the work.

      Then truly a partner will be a bonus to share this wonder and joy with, he certainly will not be a necessity to escape the pain.

      Work on you first my love and you will see…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    January 24, 2013

    P.S. I think when I say “emotionally isolated” this is where I’m coming from. I do believe in finding one’s true self, in establishing a good internal relationship. But, I also believe that humans are meant to bond (hopefully healthy supportive bonds). My chances for that are surely over.

      January 24, 2013

      Hello Jay, I just read your entry on Mels’ site. I can sympathise with you and have felt similar, although I am 55. It has taken me over 6 months and a lot of work, journalling, counselling, and looking inside myself to start to feel a bit better. I do understand- its that horrible feeling that you will always be alone, that you are not the dream partner that you hoped you were for this ‘special person’ – either because of your own mis-placed loyalty, or because you might be unreasonable to want the relationship to be different. I questioned myself- am I a quitter? What if I hadn’t quit? The true answer is that I would still be unhappy, because the person in my life was incapable of giving me what I needed, and I constantly worried that I was needy. I was not needy, I am normal and respond to love, care, affection and encouragement. These were all things that seemed to be present at the start of the relationship, then magically, withered and perished with any self esteem I had brought with me. You will come through this, you will start to feel better and less lonely, you will find the courage to look at the unhealed parts of yourself- but this is so important – without blaming yourself. It takes time but it does happen, if you can be non judgmental with yourself, the relief is immense. I truly wish you lots of love and happiness in your life – and strength- you have it but it was focussed away from you. Now its your time to love yourself, you’re amazing. Big hug

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 24, 2013

        Hi Madge,

        I hope my answer to Jay has helped you.

        In addition, and as an observation of your post I would like to offer some suggestions to you also.

        You have stated that over a period of 6 months you have achieved ‘feeling a bit better’.

        Madge the truth is you have not as yet gone deep enough. Cognitive therapy is not the same as deeply healing yourself, which can only occur when you truly drop into your powerlessness and pain, and feel into ‘where is this coming from’ and then have the ability through an energetic tool, such as seeing a great kinesiologist or working on yourself with Quanta Freedom Healing to shift this origin of pain at a subsconscious level in order to transform it.

        Cognitively getting some insight through others is only information, and possible mind-based answers, but it is not the real transformational work, nor does it grant the end of the pain.

        As to where you are at presently – there are still fears and powerlessness playing out for you – which is normal for many people, and can especially plague women.

        The fear of being alone, the fear of not being good enough, and the cognitive dissonance (the trying to reason, and lingering feelings of regret) regarding a failed relationship.

        You have stated ‘I am not needy, I am normal and respond to love, care and affection’.

        We all need to take full responsibility in order to heal our patterns, and we need to understand how Law of Attraction plays out. Madge we are always meeting the unhealed parts of ourself in painful and unfullfilling love relationships.

        If you attracted an unavailiable other there are several reasons this could be playing out for you. If you are not your own fullness of love and worthiness for yourself you will find yourself in dynamics where you are not receiving it.

        And in fact the energy exchange can be one of need and obligation, rather than the flow of attraction of ‘more of me’…

        You have stated your fear of always being alone, this states you were / are not full of self-love and worthiness…because if you were you would not be reliant and fearful of not receiving this one day from another.

        You would feel whole and complete now and look forward one day without emptiness, fear or pain to share your fullness of love and worthiness with another.

        Also if you have been playing out patterns of someone not granting you love, appreciation and worthiness, you need to ask yourself “What would happen if someone really did?”…because the truth is you have a deep (possibly unconscious) fear of being truly loved and connected with (true intimacy), it won’t be until you really drop deep into your pain that you will discover these belief systems which have separated you from love.

        These fears will be something like this – “If someone gets too close they will see who I really am and reject or abandon me”, or / and “If someone really loves me and it goes wrong it will be too painful to bear” etc etc….(or / and other unconscious reasons)…

        And (if your relationship was with a narcissist) your level of internal pain and fears of being alone, honouring yourself and believing you can be a source to yourself allowed you to tolerate the maliscious / pathological treatment of a narcissist – which procured a relationship that was never going to grant anything other than enough pain to heal yourself.

        The ongoing pain / fear and feelings of powerlessness you are feeling are not a ‘time-line thing’ of recovery, they are showing you that you haven’t got to the deep, powerless real reasons yet in order to claim them and transform them.

        When you do, the pain will be gone, and you will be able to clean up the patterns, know and feel your liberation and joy – and feel authentic love, joy, self-accepatnce, worthiness and fullness. Then you won’t have any fear of being alone…and truly you will be the attarction point of all that your soul desires, and it will come to you exactly when the time is right…and there will not be the pain, emptiness and the ‘need’ before it arrives.

        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

      No more self denial
      January 24, 2013

      I also felt that for a long time; like I would have to isolate myself forever. But that changed as I was fighting myself through the seemingly endless, unpleasant process of inner change and healing. Like it has been and still is a kind of inner, bloody war. And I armored up and became a warrior and decided to win it the right way. It will get better, the isolation will glide away when it is noe needed anymore; just never give up on yourself but believe in your dreams and goals and walk the steps towards it. 🙂 Much love!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 24, 2013

        Hi NMSD,

        Yes isolation can be a very useful time to work on and commit to ourself, and then when the releif comes it is beautiful and safe to engage in life…

        Ok be very aware if your perceptions – the inner creates the outer…and you have the choice as to how to view your inner healing.

        If you are conducting an unpleasant inner bloody war on the inside, then what is going to be granted to you in life from the outside?

        Can you shift this belief to “My inner healing is a beautiful process of emerging as a butterfly of love, freedom and truth from my previous cocoon of pain and fear”..

        That will change everything for you…you can use the goal setting MP3 to achieve this shift…

        Then so it will be…every day feeling more and more authentic joy…because YOU are the Creator – know you get to write the script you want – but it needs to be authentic ‘knowing’ on the inside for the real life experience to follow the script.

        Mel xo

          No more self denial
          January 26, 2013

          Dear Melanie, you have such a good point, and I wish I had chosen better words.
          I am taking back the violent words, but I cannot lie about what is going on within. I have a body and a brain that has come into bad patterns, and I “am having a battle” with my body and brain to have them change into what I want them to be. And yes, I believe that I will have to win over them for them to start work WITH me instead of against me. Is this an unlucky way of picturing it? It is maybe a bit too desperate, but hey being deperate is far better than giving up on myself. It is as I see it this day, a way of showing self love. It might not be pleasant for myself, but it is a sign of care and concern wich is far better than becoming distanced and give up trying. It IS a war, and to start seeing everything as a butterfly of love…lol Well; that is certainly a challenge. 😀 That I will take. 😉 Thank you louds.

            No more self denial
            January 26, 2013

            It might help with some warrior attitude maybe, to break the shell of the cocoon? 🙂

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            January 26, 2013

            Hi NMSD,

            It’s really important to understand that the part of us that causes the ‘battles’ is our Inner Child.

            It is her who feels fractured, unsafe, terrified and confused. It is her who has made the choices to cling to abuse rather than face the deep survival fears of being alone and not being able to honour herself because she didn’t think she could create her life or exist on her own.

            Do you want to pick her up and spank her mercilessly, or do you want to pick her up, help her release her fears and pain and then cuddle her and fill her full of love, support and safety – as well as healthy new beliefs?

            Do you want to be a punishing ‘God / Creator’ to yourself, or a loving and healing ‘God / Creator’?

            What do you think your inner child would respond best to?

            Our evolution never occurs through condemning, judging and battling ourself, it comes as a result of unconditionally loving, healing and accepting ourself.

            When your inner child starts to feel loved, accepted and supported enough by you, her wings will sprout, her radiant colours will appear, and with your continued loving support the cocoon (the painful defence meshansims) will all fall away naturally…

            Then she will be free and fly…

            I hope this helps.

            Mel xo

            February 2, 2013

            Thank you! For reminding us all about the
            Inner child! Yes, children do need direction, of course, but what they most need is Love!
            Thank you again!

    January 24, 2013

    everything you said to me above resonates completely….you ‘know’ what I am talking about. So grateful for your generosity.

    January 24, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    How wonderful to have you back and find these two exciting articles waiting.
    And you looking and sounding radiant and joyful and so present in each word; such precious gifts you bring home .
    I didn’t,t get my newsletter in my email for some reason.

    Spiritual Partnerships sounds great, look forward to reading it. Meanwhile, I too have Seat of the Soul so will re read that….

    Elkhart Tolle also writes about spiritual partnership in one of my favorite books, A New Earth and the Power of Now…

    My feeling is that spiritual partnership need not be limited to our own species. As we feel more deeply into our reverence for all life and all species and our beautiful planet, we come to know that we are all part of one source, one love…
    I find all the animals I know and love so deeply are innately spiritual ! And all innately what Gary calls multi sensory.
    The live in total acceptance/ surrender , in the present moment and so many communicate a deep knowingness, other worldliness. I believe they are our true spiritual partners who teach us so much if we are open.
    They just know how to be In the present moment, how to love unconditionally, how to determine threat and seek safety, how to be acceptance and love and pure truth.
    Unlike us they do not need to spend large sums of money on classes, books, trainers , workshops on how to be present and loving!
    So as we evolve and recognize all beings as our companions and equals I believe that we will much blessed by their beautiful, pure spirits.
    I know that for me these are eternal connections , and I have been deeply blessed by sharing life with animal companions , tender souls and wise teachers and the happiest playmates or soulful , gentle companions.
    So may we all extend our spiritual partnerships to include those with other species as we are now seeing in the connection so many of us feel toward all other beings.
    Love and hugs

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 25, 2013

      Hi Val,

      Yes truly after my break I really do feel more present and ‘at one’ than I can ever remember…I am very much enjoying really aligning with my soul and transforming anything defunct in the way that has hurt!

      It is a beautiful feeling, and I am very lucky to be able to work on myself with QF anytime I do feel resistance to make this state more and more authentic.

      It is so lovely to hear from you 🙂

      Great you are going to read Spiritual Partnerships, and yes Seat of the Soul is a book so many people already have – and it is totally worth a re-read with new and more evolved eyes!

      Yes I agree New Earth especially is a wonderful read, and so much about the shift from external (false) power to inetrnal (real) power.

      So true our animals are so present and connected. No pain of the past, no fear of the future and totally in the here and now…

      You have written about their spiritual soul state so beautifully.

      Your post is divine Val, and such a beautifully loving share, as always.

      Bless you gorgeous loving lady.

      Mel xo

    January 24, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Recently I have been reading about pre birth soul agreements and after death Life Reviews.
    Could it be that people who develop NPD do so as part of their soul agreement in any one lifetime, with the intention of delivering the gift of healing and evolving to other souls?
    If so , then they too would be our spiritual partners too wouldn’t they? Here to teach us , through painful experiences, how to love and accept ourselves?
    How then do they heal, or are they just healed after death for delivering their soul contract.
    If we are all here to evolve and recognize the light/divinity in all beings then when do people who carry this affliction find their healing and reconnection with soul.
    If we are all evolving , will the new energy dynamic of that mean we won’t need people with with NPD anymore..( to bring healing to others through pain).
    Perhaps the need for people with NPD might become extinct?
    Love to hear your thoughts on this Mel….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 25, 2013

      Hi Val,

      Yes the topic you have been reading about is incredibly fascinating.

      It believe that those who are living the experience of NPD (their fractured personality being extremely disconnected from their soul) have reincarnated with a similiar personality vibration (seeking external power as a result of pain and fear) that they were living in previous incarnations – hence why so many of them entered birth families that were fraught with abuse, disconnection and disassociation to love and healthy emotional development…(the match of their fragmented personality).

      Every interaction and conjoining is compassionate, there is a higher and perfectly divine reason, so yes it is very true that narcissistic individuals do offer others an incredible opportunity to come home to themself, heal and release their painful and scared personality parts and claim their authentic self.

      The time and energetic shift that we are in is very powerful. It is the vibrational ending of external power, and the necessity to claim and become internal power.

      What this means for all individuals (not just narcissists) is that trying to avoid the development of being our true Creator (establishing at an inner genuine level self-love, self-acceptance and the knowing that everything we create is generated from self) is that trying to gain approval, validation, significance or love from outer sources – other people and ‘things’ is no longer going to stop the pain of being disconnected from the true Source – which is being those things authentically to self.

      And rather than grant the temporary anesthetic of avoiding the inner pain, seeking external power is only going to accentuate the pain.

      The difference between narcissistic individuals and non-narcissists is that non-narcissists have the ability to apply self-ownership and humility. And once they recognise that the only thing stopping them from claimimg their authentic self is to face the inner pain, own it and transform it (without transffering it on to outer props and people) these people have the incredible ability to release pain and fear and deeply feel and know ‘who they really are’…a soul energy of peace, connectedness, reverence, love and joy.

      Narcissists struggle greatly with this. The ego, the defences and the false self (external power seeking) has been created as ‘protection’, a mask hiding the damaged, broken parts in order to conceal the horrific fear of the death of the ego (emotional annihilation) by having to let go of the pretence of being ‘perfect’…and to meet the inner pain of feeling defective, unlovable and unworthy..(which is the narcissist’s greatest torment and fear).

      I believe all souls are going ‘home’ to authentic power. Totally – because there is absolutely nowhere else to go…

      This may happen this lifetime or in 50 for a narcissist.

      The reality is that now the age of external power is coming to an end, narcissistic individuals are going to feel an accentuated version of their internal pain, more and more so. Maybe some of these individuals will have no choice because the real life results of seeking external power will bring less and less temporary releif, and greater bouts of disappointment and karmic repercussions…some (those who are not as severely afflicted with narcissism) may choose to collapse their egos, face and heal their inner defectiveness and claim authentic power.

      Or not.

      The stubborness and unconscious masochistic nature of a narcissist’s ego is so entrenched that this may not occur for the greater majority of narcissists in this lifetime. Most of them would rather live with the pain and punish themselves and others mercilessly than face the pain – because at a deep level they believe they deserve to be punished and keep hurting, and according to them so does everyone else that they try to hold responsible for their pain.

      “I hurt therefore I must project and ‘payback’ myself and others for this hurt” – rather than take responsibility for it.

      Truly their biggest fear of facing and taking responsibility for their pain would mean the destruction of everything they have created for external recognition, approval and love – the False Self – and without it narcissists believe they are worthless.

      They certainly do not believe that they can be worthy, loved or approved of without this false construction.

      Which brings it back to the same point for everyone – not just narcs. How can anyone love and accept the real you, if you refuse to love and accept yourself genuinely?

      It’s a delusional expectation.

      At some point in the narcissist’s evolution I believe they will come home to their souls and the light (Source).

      It will have to be their choice though – no-one else can create it for them. And when they make that choice they will have to ‘die’ (kill off the False Self / ego) and be reborn (connect to and accept their Soul)…and this can only ever be achieved by honestly and humbly accepting, embracing and healing their painful, fearful, defective parts.

      This is another major stumbling block for the narcissist. “How can I stand out, be special, unique and win approval if I surrender into and come home to the ‘oneness’ and be the same as everyone else?” Narcissists are forever tormented with their own ego pain of feelings of superiority and inferiority. To be ‘equal’ (a soul connected to Universal Love and Wellbeing with life and others) feels unbearable.

      To the narcissist this is more terrifying than even physical death…

      Narcissists like everyone will only change when the fear of staying the same is greater than transforming self.

      It will need to mean: The pain of staying the same will become greater than the fear of the the death of the ego.

      For non-narcs who do not have the terror of False Self annihilation, it is much easier to make healing ‘all about self’ and to claim and release our pain and defectiveness knowing the joy of releasing it brings in the conjoining with the warmth of our soul energy. We welcome the ‘oneness’, the collective love and the connection to life.

      I believe that when more and more people do this and become authentic there is going to be less ways for narcissists to project, scapegoat or seek others who are also on an empty and disassociated ‘self’ level trying to seek external power (making someone else responsible for our life, love and wellbeing).

      And the Law of Attraction dictates that is the only reality that can occur for the narcissist…

      The need for NPD may be here for some time Val, and these relationships (water seeking its own level) are two individuals trying to gain approval, love and worthiness from each other, rather than being a genuine source of it to themself and sharing that, and external power based relationships will crack much faster.

      What is not real won’t stand, and the pain, emptiness and power struggles will come to the fore. The non-narc in the situation has the ability to release this pattern and come home to authentic self, and the narc may simply need to keep going through this pattern for lifetimes before they realise that nothing on the outside is going to remove their pain for them…that it needs to be an inside job.

      Yes, I truly do believe that in this consciousness shift (I don’t know how long it will take) narcs will become extinct eventually…especially as more and more people leave the Old Energy of external power behind…

      Narcissists eventually will have no-one to deal with other than own fractured personalities, and there will be nowhere to go other than take responsibility for healing themselves.

      I hope this answers and helps!

      Mel xo

        January 27, 2013

        Thank you so much for your response.
        Yes complex and fascinating.
        We are powerfully socially conditioned to seek external power in things, people, prizes for the ego.!,!
        I always thought love and approval came from other people. Didn’t hear differently until I was middle aged…
        We will have to start teaching our children these concepts of self love and authentic power……

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 28, 2013

          HI Val,

          you are very welcome!

          That is so true that all of us were conditioned to go for external power.

          None of us realised the words of Buddha ‘There is no outside’is the fundamental truth.

          Unless we become ‘a genuine source of love, peace, wholeness and joy to self’ every relationship and achievement that we procure from the outside will not be fulfilling.

          Narcs / sociopaths / abusers are not this genuine source to themself hence why if we remain stuck in seeking external power we are a match for abuse and struggle to heal and release ourself from it.

          With the goal setting MP3 in NARP you can set up the goal of ‘I am a genuine source of love, peace, wholeness and joy to myself’, clear all resistance and then you will feel and know how connected, joyful, solid and at peace you really are.

          That is what authentic power is all about!

          If you don’t have that MP3 please email me and I’ll flick it over to you!

          Mel xo

            February 2, 2013

            Melanie and Val,
            Thank you both for your posts! You have reminded me of some wonderful things! A lovely and empowering interchange- Thanks again! Cheers!

    January 24, 2013

    Hello gorgeous Mel.
    Your podcast was brilliant. Your message is loud and clear, and delivered with such genuine care and love. I was so excited I got on line and bought Garys book. Can’t wait to read it. You are so right. You have to heal your soul and the way you feel about yourself. If you are really honest with yourself the emotions/fears/self judgements of not being good enough were always there. My NARC experience brought every worst fearful emotion I always had deep down, had had for years, into my life at a level that was going to kill me if I kept on the path of trying to fix it externally. After no contact and giving your soul and brain a chance to recover from the craziness, the healings from narc recovery program are a miracle. (has been the best tool for healing ever!)You can actually start to think and function again. You have helped saved my life and I am eternally grateful to you. I remember the first time you did a reading on me and I think I had something like 10,000 pieces missing. Disassociation was something I never understood. You just think your dying from the inside out but it is your soul you are giving away, piece by piece without any sense of self preservation or self love. Even my physiologist I had been seeing for years, (I was trying to get help to fix, make sense off and understand the NARC’s behaviour) at my last visit (3mths ago) CLAPPED HER HANDS IN JOY, SHE HUGGED ME AND SAID YOU’VE GOT IT. SHE TOLD ME HOW CLEVER I WAS TO HAVE WORKED IT ALL OUT (without your help I would never had got it!) She told me in main stream counseling it is extremely difficult to approach the SPIRITUAL SIDE. I also believe a huge factor is being truly honest with yourself and having courage to do so.
    I would like to share this as I now resonate with this totally and understand what it deeply means
    The Supreme act of forgiveness is when you can forgive yourself for all the wounds you’ve created in your own life. Forgiveness is an act of SELF-LOVE. When you forgive yourself, self-acceptance begins and SELF LOVE grows- Don Miguel Ruiz

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 25, 2013

      Hi Beautiful Margy!

      I am so glad you enjoyed the radio show!

      Terrific it inspired you to read the book – as I really feel the more people who can align with Gary’s message the so much better the template for authetic love, peace and power can be recognised and created.

      Yes, totally – the pain of feeling not good enough, unlovable and unworthy is the standard human condition…it was inflicted on all of humankind without exception (the disconnection from authentic power and being conditioned to seek external power).

      Oh yes! Narcissists absolutely granted us every screaming panoramic recognition of our unhealed self-parts!

      I am so glad NARP has helped you so much…

      I do remember our first personal healing, and your missing parts. Yes you were very dissociated, and everyone is when their fractured personality is not aligned with their Soul. The difference when the pain goes and the gap closes is miraculous..and the feeling of relief and peace indescribable…I know you durably feel this now – as so many others do too.

      I am not surprised you had this experience with your psychologist, I receive this report on a regular basis..

      Psychology is not a model that works on soul recovery, it has neither the tools or the depth of understanding for you to heal yourself – which can only occur when we honestly open up to our pain, feel into it and confront our inner selves and work with our infinite intelligence and soul guidance.

      You did this. From day one Margy you stated to me “I want to make this all about me healing my inner stuff.I know it is mine.”, and that is exactly what you did.

      Mainstream is very fearful of going deeper, and truly needs to.

      Self-honesty and humility is key. Without it there is no ability to heal or change. It we can’t challenge and confront ourself then we stay the same – until we do…

      So very true, self-forgiveness creates self-love. And its not a mind decision, as you know (with all the work you have done on yourself) it means going into every one of these hurts and pains, embracing, releasing and transforming them deeply within our being.

      Our mind and making a ‘decision’ does not have that level of power over our internal spirit.

      Lots of love Margy and thank you so much for your post!

      Mel xo

        March 11, 2013

        I just wanted to say that for 6 years I was literally dis-jointed with frozen shoulder and painful joints, like I was constantly being rubbed the wrong way! I thought I was developing arthritis and I would have to kill myself because at that moment I realized profoundly that the N was never going to help me if I was really sick. And thats when I started preparing to leave. It’s taken 2 years. I have no more joint pain! I did body and soul work and Melanie’s NARP program is wonderful. It took a team of people, friends, and helpers to finally move out in a three day period where multiple synchronous events came to my aid. It was nothing less than miraculous.

    January 25, 2013

    Mel, I came to your website because a friend told me that she felt I was in an abusive relationship. I was unhappy true, but very in love. And before that I left a 38 year marriage that was with a seemingly nice man who was apparently killing my soul. These two people who were in my life are outwardly polar opposites and I am beginning to see that whether they are narcissistic abusers is immaterial…I have been only too willing to cut off, stuff, invalidate pieces of myself in the belief that I am being a “good” partner, wife, friend. I have returned to seeing the second person, I have trouble letting go, and I see her as also troubled and in need of love. The thing is, I am not sure how to go about self-forgiveness, learning not to fear being alone, healing myself. I read your columns and they are helpful, but I keep saying to myself, is this really applicable to me or am I making excuses? And lately I awaken with the worst pain in my stomach and it is all fear…I am so afraid.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 25, 2013

      Hi Beth,

      It is common before we heal ourself to believe we are in love, yet feel pain and unhappiness.

      The truth is no-one else is responsible for our happiness – we are, and if we are clinging to ‘love’ yet feel unhappy then what is this saying about the reclaiming and healing we need to do with ourself?

      It seems that you have been confused about your relationship and feelings within yourself, and this is a common state of co-dependency (seeking love, approval and worthiness from the outside)…in your statement “Seemingly nice man who was apparantly killing my soul”…

      It is great that you own you are fearful of being alone, and you know you need to heal.

      This is applicable to you because you know you are feeling confusion, the pain of not being a source to yourself, and have felt that just giving to others and trying to hang in there would make everything ‘okay’.

      It is never ‘okay’ until we heal and become love, approval and worthiness to ourself, and until we can feel connected, whole and at peace by ourself.

      No-one else is going to grant you that…they simply can’t.

      My suggestion is to let go, and face what you need to within yourself. If this relationship has the ability to heal it will only be through you taking responsibility to heal and be whole, and the other individual doing the same if they chose (which you have no control over).

      If this doesn’t occur your level of ‘self’ will not be a match, an attraction or even any desire to keep playing out the painful dynamic – you will lose all feelings of connection and interest to the old pattern / person – and feel whole and healthy alone, and be a match for someone else whose personality is already whole enough to be a match for the inner level you have established for self.

      And you won’t hanker to be in a relationship – you will be content to be your own wholeness until the person enters your life who you will healthily share your love and wholeness with.

      The fear and pain you are feeling is your inner parts that as yet you haven’t confronted and healed.

      The answer is you need to have the courage to confront these parts of you and heal them. If not now – when? Instant gratification (avoiding thses parts) by continuing on the same way is not going to change the pattern or pain for you.

      In fact it will only get worse, because your entire existence is your soul seeking evolution (coming home to the truth of who you really are).

      If you do feel you have experienced an abusive painful childhood and/ or relationships then I can’t recommend NARP enough as your first step of inner healing.

      A commitment to your inner healing will start to authentically bring you ‘home’.

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

    January 27, 2013

    Wow,there really are NO COINCIDENCES!!!
    I found your site several days after my 18 year relationship ended on December 27th (right in line with our push to a higher consciousness) and have been reading your material nonstop ever since. Thank you! Knowledge is power and it has really has cleared my head and heart to understand what this confusing relationship has been all about. I detached years ago but stayed for a host of reasons too numerous to mention. Miraculously, the end “just happened” and this was clearly my sign from the Universe that I AM ready to spread my wings and fly. I AM FREE from that craziness and absolutely ready to get to the root of MY problem. Happy, happy day! I ordered your healing program several days ago and have not yet received it, however, your references to Gary’s teachings and his book Spiritual Partnerships it is such a pure confirmation to me that God has sent me to the right place at the right time with the right people. Gary has taught me so much over the years and all of his books are incredible, but, interestingly, SP was the last book I read before the breakup….now reading Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer and it is amazing. I highly recommend it for all on The Path. Can’t wait to receive your program and begin my journey. I am EXCITED and ready to embark on this new and beautiful chapter of my life.
    Thanks again for sharing your Light and Love…it has helped me so much in such a short period of time.
    P.S. Must also give a shout out to Eckhart Tolle and his fabulous books…so enlightening!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 28, 2013

      Hi Cheryl,

      I agree everything is synchronicity! And when we start aligning with our inner truth – what our soul brings forth is truly miraculous!

      I am so pleased you found this information and community – and what a wonderful confirmation when you had just finished Gary’s Spiritual Partnership!

      I have just added Untethered Soul to my next book order – the title sounds wonderful, and I can’t wait to read it!

      This is fantastic that you are committed to digging deep, truly healing and changing this pattern in your life. It is a beautiful chapter and total freedom as you have described – when we do celebrate the release of abuse and the coming home to ourselves.

      You are so welcome Cheryl, it is an absolute joy to have your gorgeous, positive energy within this community and I know you are going to do wonderfully – it is your time!

      The program is automatic download, so please check your inbox for the email of your links, and also I have contacted the office to re-send your links and download instructions.

      Welcome and lots of love.

      Mel xo

    January 27, 2013

    Hi Cheryl,
    Just read your post and wanted to say welcome to our wonderful community here. You sound perfectly set for achieving your intentions with Mel’s healing program. Great thing is you can keep using as you go for any life challenges.
    We could have our own book club! Share our favorite book titles?
    Love reading, love books, love Eckhardt Tolle,s books!,
    Always see new things in them…even Power of Now which I am always reading/practicing.
    Hope you find all Mel,s E books as enlightening as I have and continue to do so.
    We have a public holiday long weekend here in Australia this weekend. Maybe why you have not got your program yet.
    Mel and her staff will be back at work on Tuesday I expect to welcome you and follow up for you.

    January 28, 2013

    i finally told my husband to get out because I coudn’t live this way any longer. I could no longer take his verbal abuse, his mental torture, the constant ranting at me as to how i could be so stupid. if i had anything worth listening to, he’d listen, but i don’t ever say anything worth listening to. that he only treats me the way he treats me because i deserve it and need to be told. if i stopped doing stupid stuff and acting the way i do then he wouldn’t have to point it out and try and wake me up to get me to get my stuff together. becasue ,of course, he is perfectly fine. everyone tells him so. he’s a nice guy, a great guy and has no troubles talking or communicating to anyone else but me. so it has to be me. i am the problem obviously.

    when i first told him to get out, it was after another of his more increasing blow outs. not quite physical to me, but trashing the house and threatening the pets and those things that would bring it just to the brink of something going terribly bad. that was the point, he just had to get out. and because of the freshness of the event, he was willing to listen to me on the phone…for a while. not even sure how long it really was. but i actually thought he might be having a breakthrough, even after all the reading and searching for insight on what i should do and how would i be able to do it. and once i did start finding him in everything i was looking up, i became more depressed about it. because maybe there was hope, but really deep down i knew it would take a lot of really intense and commited effort on his part to make any headway where it would make a difference to consider reconciliation. and he is definately not the ideal candidate to take on such a task. it showed up very early after the “break throughs” and now he is worse than ever. i know i need to not talk to him and have the no contact. it is this messy part about him getting his stuff out of the house and since he has paid the rent he feels entitled. but his constant calls and continued rants give so much weight to every thing i have read and heard here. he is text book. one night he was sleeping and i was reading about narcissistic abusers and he read some over my shoulder. that sent him into a major rant. it hit too close to home. he said i categorized him. i didn’t have to. he was in every line of every description.

    i could go on. but i have taken to recording the calls. maybe in case i need to prove that is how he really acted towards me. that is how he talked to me and what he said to me and how he said it. each call is the same pretty much. depends on how aggravated he is. in one call, the hour and 14 minutes, he worked himself up and i was silent most of the call. it was incredulous. but yesterday, after him being out for a month and a half and showing up three times unannounced claiming to not have known that we were separated. in almost constant daily calls that we were through, he was getting the rest of his stuff and were over and he wasn’t waiting on me anymore, he was done. and even that i didn’t kick him out, but rather he left me. and then to say he did not know we were separated. it’s like he had totally detached himself from each and every day as to what he said and how he said it and what it really meant. when i asked what were you doing that day you loaded as much as you could get into your car and kept asking is this what i really wanted? he said he was just moving some clothes to where he was staying. he is now playing the victim and i have hurt him and he is devastated. that i am so mean and he doesn’t trust me. that whatever he did to me i need to just get over it and start our new life and move on. i realize i haven’t spent much of this talking about how helpful melanie has been, but she has been. just me being able to read about my husband and my situation, my life, reinforced that i needed to heal. i need to find myself again. i had lost me and that was so sad. just trying to navigate my days, going to work and coming home and never knowing what when where or how. it would go wrong. exhausiting. i started out real strong but have lost so much wind until tonight. i had gotten off the healing path and distracted by multiple other menial things where in email i was cleaning up and thank god the most recent newsletter was there and again spoke directly to me. it was uncanny. i thought maybe it was an old email, but it wasn’t. it was there for me to read tonight and be brave enough to type all this out in the open. i can’t live this way anymore and i need to find myself and heal. i know i can do it. i just cannot let anyone else get in my way. it really is all about me and, for once, that is a true statement. for years i have been told how selfcentered i was and how i only thought of myself and no one else. i have known that was the farthest frrom the truth and a mirror image of himself. truly the things he says are hilarious to the point that he actually believes what he says or that he will be able to convince me that he is right. it is sad. it is scary. and he needs help. but i am fixing me and no one else. it’s me time and i deserve it. i am so excited to be me again! thank you, thank you, thank you!! i know i have a lot of hard work ahead of me as well. i understand that. this work is rewarding and fulfilling. not empty and horrific. and i have people who believe in me and can’t wait for me to return as well. it’s been a long, long isolated and distant time. the part i forget to mention was after that third call yesterday, i finished up changing the lock and deadbolt on the front door. i had alreday changed the back door lock but was afraid he would show up and break in and trash the place if i weren’t here when he arrived. well, he is planning on being here wednesday to get the rest of his stuff and it’s the end of the month and i have that day off. that will be the last day. but i changed the locks confidently. i have had enough!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 28, 2013

      Hi Bonnie,

      Yes it certainly does sound like you are dealing with a narcissistic situation totally (there are so many point blank examples through what you have written) and it is great that you truly have had enough.

      Bonnie when a narcissist is projecting on to you – and his split dirodered self (which has no resources to self-reflect) is calling the shots – of course it is all your fault…

      Additionally if there was to be ‘any hope’ he would own his behaviour, have the humility to stop projecting it, and would want to – for himself, you and the relationship – to really do the work and get to the bottom of WHY he behaves like this, in order to STOP it.

      The fact is if this man is capable of non-accountability, projection, and maliscious and violent acts (which you have described right from the standard narc handbook) he is Cluster B personality disordered…and this is very serious with very little hope of recovery.

      The chances of him becoming a healthy, safe partner are minimal, and would take years if not decades of therapy – which he is more than likely to project (you ‘do’ what he does), discontinue or discredit – even if he DID commit.

      If he does not have the resources to get past his defence mechanisms (ego) to take responsibility for his behaviour fully, then there is zero possibility of him changing.

      And this is exactly where you are at…

      Of course he had to say he ‘left you’ and ‘doesn’t want you anymore’…this is what narcissists do. Their False Self cannot bear the narcissistic injury of being wrong or being abandoned.

      This is the automatic nero pathway choice the narcissist takes to ensure his ego stays bolstered up and as unaffected as possible (abandonment is unbearable for the False Self – more so than for any co-dependent), and his disordered reasoning will totally support his ‘belief’ in order to maintain this pathological denial.

      Rest assured that people who are not personality disordered DO have the brain wiring to realise that their spouse / partner saying ‘No More’ after boundary breaking behaviour means taking responsibility, having a good look at oneself and actually valuing a relationship -because that is what people who have the genuine resources to value love, relationships and partnerships do.

      In the narcissist’s distored version of reality – which serves his False Self as his one and only ‘marriage’ – you truly are appealing to a brick wall.

      Now naturally it is all your fault and he is telling you all the reasons why YOU can’t be trusted….(WHO can’t be trusted?)

      Just another self-denial and blostering function to preserve his ego.

      These are the mind-bending signs of a personality disorder at work – and this does mean the end of the line…if you want a life that is not going to put you into an institution or a grave – truly…

      What you are experiencing is significant mental and emotional abuse – even though its just another day in the life of a narcissist avoiding accountability after committing atrocious and unacceptable behaviour.

      Okay – now let him have his ego reality of ‘You can’t be trusted’…truly…

      Let him ‘break off’ the relationship and get his stuff out.

      And now what you can say to him if there is any contact, is that you would only ever consider anything with him if he firmly admits he has deep inner severe issues that you will NO longer accept in your life, and if there was any possibility of a relationship he needs to take full responsibility for them (without shifting blame) and get therapy for them …and that is FIRMLY non-negotiable.

      What comes back at you will be anything BUT him going to ‘that place’

      He will deny, blame-shift, gas-light and project (to name just a few non-accountability tactics).

      And of course he will NOT agree with you…

      Then you will be rid of him…because from everything you have described, he is a narcissist and the last thing he is going to do is confront his inner tortured True Self and face his disowned and unhealed parts.

      Stand your ground, do not get drawn into any justifying or defending or any of his projections, and set up No Contact.

      Be prepared to detach from the intense smearing and lies he will create to discredit you (all narcs / sociopaths do this), baton down the hatches, get an AVO if he tries to create havoc, and get firmly and devotedly onto your healing – and you will break through.

      And when you do, you will be so relieved to have the abuse / insanity out of your life, and your real life (from the inside out) can heal, flourish and bloom.

      You have so much support from this community, and I can’t recommend NARP enough to do the deep inner healing support and transformational work so that you break free of this pattern of abuse in your life forever from this point.

      I also strongly recommend becoming a part of the NARC Facebook Group, as the support in the Group is incredibly loving, empowering and miraculous – this will assist you so much.

      Good luck and with love and hugs know what you need to do.

      It is great that you are ready and want to claim you!

      We are here for you…

      Mel xo

      February 2, 2013

      OK, Bonnie, first off, congratulations! You have made some first steps to re-claiming your life as yours! Yay! Keep reading Melanie’s posts; she has excellent information and insights that are greatly empowering and encouraging! Yay!
      Second, now that you have made the decisions you have, take immrediate action- changeing the locks on your doors is great- get something like a Club (a device that locks your steering wheel) for your car, and you might even think about taking some sort of self-defense lessons- Aikido would be great. When looking around for instructors, really listen to your intuition. Many narcs like to hold themselves out as “womens self-defense instructors” – I got out of a relationship with just such a narc- in order to lure in women who would be vulnerable to their traps- so proceed carefully with that. Next, when then narc comes to pick up the rest of his stuff, do not be alone with him. Have a trusted friend or relative with you. You might even just go ahead and put his stuff in cardboard boxes and set it on the curb on the day he is to come by to pick it up. He may even try to trick you; he says he will be by on a certain day, then shows up a day early; when he can catch you off guard. You might want to change your telephone number to one that is both unlisted and non-published; this is if you have a landline. If you have a cell, get a new number. Also change your passwords to your email accounts. Also, check with your bank to make sure the narc has not somehow got your banking information.
      From what I have observed, narcs just get worse and more and more vicious over time. They are furious when they do not have their supply and will go to outrageous lengths to try to hook you back. Be prepared!
      Please keep us all posted- Cheers!

        February 2, 2013

        How are you doing? Sending you lots of love and hugs.
        Know only too well what you have been going through and yay for you for choosing life.
        Honestly, as Mel says, staying means an institution or the grave, I came close to it too….
        We are all looking forward to hearing how you are going xxxx

        March 11, 2013

        Yes, Bonnie, keep taping the conversations. Keep proof of everything. You will need it later. If you need to, take photos of what destruction he wreaks. Keep all and any evidence. Keep an eye on your bank accounts. I just found out my N took $55,000 of our RRSP’s. He is burying money because he knows he will have to pay spousal and child support. protect yourself at every level. It does get worse and crazier when you leave. But hang in there and keep doing the NARP clearing to center yourself for the next load of BS. It really starts to get better.

    No more self denial
    January 28, 2013


    to keep up the thread from longer up in the comments; YES, that helped! This I am going to remember because now I really see it, and now I see that picking up again having a social life, is not far away!:D When I love myself, I can be safe because I have peace and love between me and my inner child, wich is synonymous with my healed parts and my unhealed parts.. Totally an a-ha, and my emotions all confirm this is the truth, cause I am so much lighter and more peaceful suddently- from within! Still a way to go to complete healing, but this is a happy healing day! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 28, 2013

      Hi NMSD,

      I am so pleased this dropped into place for you…

      Stay in this resonation and everything will blossom from here…


      Keep cuddling, loving her, healing her, encouraging and supporting her and the joy, safety and desire to expand, create and love will expand.

      And you will never let her get hurt by an abuser again….

      Mel xo

    January 29, 2013

    Dear Melanie,

    As a result of NARP i had another shift – one into healthy eating. The love for myself is getting stronger and out of this love it has become easy to cook delicious healthy meals for me. Before NARP, dieting meant making an effort and ‘staying without’ but now it is another expression of the joy and love i feel for myself and for life. And it is easy and effortless. I cannot thank you enough.

    Much love.

    February 4, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Until I found your site a few months ago I didn’t know I was married to a narcissist. Nearly all of your common behaviour traits for narcissists apply to some degree. I always end up feeling like the bad person as i resist being manipulated and controlled. I do seem to fit the profile of a codependent. It is always my fault I’m told to the point where I didnt know who i was anymore. With some counselling im on the path to finding myself and starting to resist some of the inappropriate behaviours and boundary crossing. I just can’t seem to be myself whilst I’m the relationship unless my partner isn’t there.

    After several years of this I managed to say, for the first time, that we should call it a day. This set of chain of behaviour from my partner which I’m finding it difficult to cope with; anger, tears, hurt and leaving our home, wedding rings removed and left at home. Having taken the initial step I feel like my resolve to break away is dissolving. I don’t have anyone around me so your site has been invaluable in understanding the position I’m in and the behaviour of my partner.

    Love & peace


    February 9, 2013

    Wow.I have just read the recent posts and am somewhat gob-smacked. So others know of this craziness?

    It is truly terrifying to leave or be left by someone on whom you have long depended. I do understand the woman who has a 30 year marriage, children and a new grandchild—so much invested and so much at stake. It is one thing to end a relationship when you are 30 and quite another when you are 70. Especially if you are hollowed out by the long struggle of life with a narc. Of course the worst is the emotional dependence, but the financial, practical security is no small thing either and deserves to be recognized as such. It requires enormous courage, faith and strength to face the situation and to deal with the destruction. To rebuild a life from the ashes…and to do this when you are traumatized,depressed and anxious; no small thing.

    The choice is to throw yourself under the bus or to throw him. Or so it felt to me.

    I am a co-dependent for sure and I don’t know why. It’s going to take a long time to open up and get to the bottom of that particular can of worms.It is my responsibility to understand why and how I am broken and to heal the wound myself.I just add this to my long “to do” list. I tolerated the intolerable and for far too long. And I hate myself for accepting the abuse and for being stuck now with all this pain. He is a narc for certain.Child of a narc. And probably so on.I can’t find it in me to be angry at him, I am just sad that he has to feel all this pain and live this terrible life. Who would choose this? I understand at a soul level that we might choose our parents but if this (NPD) is such an incurable unchangeable condition, how can partners summon enough anger/strength to terminate their relationships? If he is not capable of taking responsibility for his actions and for healing his own wounds, how can I respond to him kindly and responsibly and not wound him further? It feels terrible to leave him bleeding by the side of the road. This is my agony. Added to the mix is his suicidality and my fear that he will successfully kill himself this time because of the pain of abandonment and loss of control. Even though he was the one to end it, (pre-emptive strike) I recognize that it is a blessing for us both. I do get it. It could not continue. Too unhealthy and too unsafe. I am trying to be compassionate with myself, with my inner child, with him and to forgive his sorrowful wounded self. I was told that he was a depressive.He told me he was a depressive. Nobody talked about NPD or grandiosity. Nobody. So again, I am learning and the curve is steep.

    It is all terribly, terribly difficult. Most especially trying to forgive myself. I am nine months into the separation now and it feels scary, darkm and heavy. I am dependent on him financially and it is really going to be difficult to negotiate a settlement with him. I have a big, gnarly cane toad sitting on my heart. (That’s my nod to Australia.) This is truly the dark night of my soul and I pray that I find the courage and strength to go forward. I am grateful for this site and for having an opportunity to express myself here.

    February 26, 2013

    In the end, it’s the spiritual abuse which is the worst. I could take the physical, sexual, emotional and psychological pain – I had been trained to. But when the spiritual suffering became unbearable – after 51 years – I chose freedom. And freedom meant that my self, my soul and my spirit had to occupy the same place at the same time. Until I broke free, my self and my soul (what was left of it) lived on different planets. Life is enlightened now – full of light – I have come from overwhelming darkness and the darkest nights of the soul. So has everyone here. I greet and admire you all so much. Anna

    March 2, 2013

    Melanie – This has been the most enlightening experience of my life. I tapped into the notion of being narcissistically abused some time ago. I was doing research…trying to make sense of why my physical & emotional self felt fractured and almost in conflict with my spiritual self. They were warring inside me and even when I felt I was doing the right thing by forgiving the Narc(s) in my life – my spirit would not budge. I was never at peace – even when things were really good. Your words were confirmation – affirmation – and empowering.

    I am the product of two narcissistic parents. They are divorced and for years have separately inflicted their guilt on me. You see, I have a brother who made the decision long ago to disconnect. I, thinking I was strong enough, assumed the obligation of maintaining both relationships.

    I ended up marrying a narcissistic man – stayed for 13 years and had two children. I fled physical & verbal abuse only to begin dating a man who was all too eager to ‘help’ me through my pain. For nearly 9 years, I stayed with him through all of his issues, disappearances, idealization stints, devaluation episodes and too many ‘discardings’ to count. Once I read your e-book on Understanding NPD, I knew I wasn’t crazy and I had permission to walk away…guilt free. I was in the midst of the devaluing stage with my BF and I just stopped trying to contact him. I’d been saying we were in a cycle but could never put my finger on it. The more I vocalized my feelings of being treated unfairly, the more he dug in – disconnecting then giving me enough to reel me back in. This time, I decided not to reengage. It’s been four weeks and he hasn’t made contact. I’ve never done this before & while I have fleeting thoughts of him w/ someone else, you helped me realize it wasn’t real. Not real in the way I’d hoped. Although we had great times – as I play them back in my mind, I see how contrived and fake they were. The moments lacked genuine connection and I always felt as if I were dreaming.

    My spirits reaction has been cathartic – even manifesting itself physically as headaches, nausea. I find it tough to believe that I’ve lost 21 years, that I’m a classic codependent and that I’ve been this way likely since I was 7 years old. When my parents re-married other people – not when they divorced.

    The NARC and his mate are both suffering from a fracture in their childhood, it seems. One became the abused and the other became the abuser. I don’t know whether they are hopelessly that way, if just the abused can be healed, or if they both can ‘grow’ out of the pattern. It’s all a bit fresh for me right now.

    I have no desire to be with him again & I am convinced that the healing process will still be difficult. You are right it takes time.

    I have more revelations to share but I’m behind on many things in my personal and professional life. Maintaining this ‘no contact’ rule takes a lot of energy and determination. The difficulty of ‘no contact’ is less related to missing him but more a result all the revelations that are flooding my mind.

    All I can say for now, thank you Melanie.

    April 7, 2013

    Thanks for spending your time sharing your wisdom. I a new to this site and had never head of NPD until recently. A friend sent me a link to the do after an insane recent break up.

    My ex told me he was unhappy with me and leaving after five years together of overall a good relationship…It seemed beyond odd as it was out of no where…i did a little research and was in total disbelief to discover that he immediately moved in with another woman ( his physical therapist) and that they were together…I then discovered numerous lies he had told me early on in our relationship…wow!

    He fits many of the NPD descriptors but was never a name caller or physically abusive, was not materialistic ( prob more miso bc we could not afford it ) and was not the life of the party…(had to be the enter of mayo world buyout other ppl he thought were lesser and preferred to stay to himself).

    He was brilliant inismmanioulations though settingnthingsup early on stating how he had been lied to cheated on and tricked into a pregnancy by his ex wife…bad parenting ( partially true)… Raised himself…always headed to be self reliant…grew up overweight and bullied…all of these confessions to selp rationales for jealousy, antisocial heavies, obsessions with looks/weight/food, fear of commitment etc…and Intookmtheand loved that he was “letting me in”. We went to therapy and I think he even tried …but just could not ‘get’ the empathy part. Maybe at some points he was trying but he in the end was either a rocking actor here to or jst did not have whatit takes … overall he kept up walls…

    Anyway, I was duped…I would have never guessed the lying and cheating going on. It is so cunning, evil and unair.

    I see he is so much more broken than I had ever thought.

    I cannot say for sure, but I think he left in the end b/c I did have some boundaries I would not compromise for him (especially financially), i was pushing to ‘be emotionally closer’ , i had told him i needed to know what he wanted bc i was tired of feeling like he did not accept me ( that i was never enough) and I told him that he needed to put some effort into figuring out what made him happy ( and not always put it on me/ expect me t o know what he I’d not even know)… i guess that was unacceptable…especially the financial stuff which kept surfacing.

    Unlike most posts ive read, He has not tried to contact me…he basically cut me off. He changed his gym, his grocery store… His everything to be away from me b/c I am now the enemy. He is in the new relationship which he told me was an unexpected whirlwind romance.

    I was pissed bc to him this was his only solution…was not cheating…etc etc.

    He old me he couldn’t stay to work things out bc our relationship was too broken bc he no longer felt I loved or prioritized him ( bs) …he did mention for a second that he was tired of fighting to be happy and maybe he was broken, he was not sure….really, you think?

    I was oddly relieved at the weight lifted ( from an undercurrent of never feeling good enough, the pressure to make him happy, jealousy, OCD issues, etc) …but devastated at the loss of my “future” …my “love” and the many loving things he did do for me.

    I assume he planned to put this all on me and leave me here suffering…but like I said, since it made no sense ( bc I know all I did for him, accepted, prioritized etc) I was diligent and discovered the cheating, lies NPD & thank goodness bc at least that made some sense. And did not let him ride off thinking he still got to look like the good guy.

    I am less than two months out & I think doing well…still mixed up emotionally and fighting the cognitive dissonance of who is was vs who I thought he was. Also having a hard time with the unfairness & irrational disgust that he is so easily with someone lose…all normal I think. I am taking care of me…working to heal.

    I do tend toward codependency. I have worked on this a lot. I know I accept more than I should in the name of loyalty and love and I see now that with the wrong person This is a flaw. I thank my ex bc my boundaries improved bc of him ( he was always pushing me to be more like him…set boundaries and not worry if they hurt people…be less forgiving…and more selfish) .

    I know that at the core, I fear being alone, being unloveable. I have a mother who is married to a borderline type…a father who loves conditionally and is probably some type of PD also…maybe even slightly N. I am aware of my weaknesses. I have focused on these things. I spent years in tx for a eating disorder ad then to learn to accept me,meet boundaries for a previous ex (who was abusive and with whom I share a child) etc…

    I see this relationshipas improved from the previous, but I do not want to attract anything like this again. How do I ‘ fix these pains’ as my previous fixes were apparently not ‘enough’ . I see them…accept them as there…I have journaled, done art work, talked, focused, done child work, worked ‘Keeping the love you find’ by harville Hendrix…I have read Gary’s material…etc etc. I know rationally that I am worthwhile, that I can take care of me, that I am love able…I am a great unique person and my ex is a fool for not seeing how much I loved and accepted him and that if he had any strength in himself, he could have healed here..I KNOW these things, ..but how to I feel them deep inside.

    Can you help me with that? How to make my knowledge that I’m ok…worthy…love able…etc, PART OF MY BEING.

    I don’t want to accept things out of fear I will be abandoned anymore. I want to be in a relationship where i compromise by choice, not fear…where I can stand up for what i need/ will accept andI have a partner who respects that…where I am ENOUGH as I am … And looking back , I cannot say I did that or had that or felt that.


    January 8, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for such an interesting and insightful article about our authentic power, I am myself healing from emotional narcissistic abuse from my family of origin.

    I never truly realised that the impact of this form of abuse can be just as detrimental as any physical abuse, my mind literally felt fragile and my inner confidence and esteem was shattered.

    I became addicted to alcohol to self sooth these feelings of intense overwhelm and to numb out the pain of cutting contact with my family, I also have a young family of my own so it seemed even more overwhelming for me when faced with the fragility and innocence of my own beautiful children opposed to thinking of what my experience of family was with my own family.

    I decided to quit drinking a month ago, I did reach that point you discussed where it was hurting more to be where I was than to face the pain of facing my own fears and changing, physically and mentally I could not drink anymore to numb the pain and besides that It felt like I was being confronted with my own pain in other ways, it just felt like everything in my life had brought me to this point of facing my own pain.

    The last three weeks has been very intense because I am actually taking responsibility for my pain, for once in my entire life I am validating my pain and holding myself and comforting myself through it, the emotions are intense but I am feeling immense relief in finally facing this and knowing I am okay instead of running in fear of my own feelings, feeling like they are too big for me to handle, that I cannot cope etc.

    This has led me to where I am now, thinking about my authentic power and the ways in which I have arrived at this point where I feel so powerless over my own life with no conviction in myself or my own strength as an individual.

    I have acknowledged what led to this, my boundaries and rights as a person consistently been trampled on, being abused mentally and made feel I said or did something I did not, this all led to feeling confusion and powerlessness that you have discussed.

    I am full of awareness but i feel stuck on this feeling of my own powerless, I think to myself what can stop someone destroying my life, (my mother broke up many of my siblings relationships and created havoc), this fear started there, this anxiety thinking how can I protect myself from these outside forces, it has also manifested in other ways, such as fearing other opinions will change my course or curse me or have influence over how I am feeling etc. Or even fear over things I say having repercussions over my life.

    I used to think this was ocd, but I am no longer a believer of labeling myself, I feel like it is just pain and unresolved fear, I am just finding it really hard to shake these feelings of powerlessness, I want to claim my authentic power because I finally feel like I am worthy and I truly feel I deserve it yet I feel I need to understand all of these things before i can do it.

    This has been a long post so thank you very much for reading this.

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