Melanie Tonia Evans

I’m Back… Relaxed, Rejuvenated And Excited For 2013!

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Hi everyone,

Thank you for being so patient in waiting for further radio shows and blog articles, whilst I was having some holiday rejuvenation time.

Not only was I fortunate enough to go to Cairns, I also just got back from a week in Bali.

Truly I can’t recommend the healing and therapeutic aspects of Bali enough.

I stayed in a girlfriend’s villa in Suna, and the experience was completely magical.

The people in Bali are so beautiful. The island truly is one of love, harmony and peace. This was an experience of truly aligning with what is important in life.

Family, community, the integrity of the people, and how despite their day to day struggles a smile is always on their face and their hearts are incredibly full of gratitude for life,  love for themselves and love and respect for each other.

Such an experience really allows us to know that life does not have to be about pain, struggles and all the mind-bending and excruciating things that come with narcissistic abuse.

Despite the ‘dreams’ we may have lost as a result of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to understand that what is really important is the love, truth and the peace of our souls. To live an authentic life surrounded by authentic people, joy, realness and true love.

What you may have ‘lost’ is meaningless. These were the illusions of living life with False Selves. What is real and durable is the integrity, truth and peace that we gain by breaking free and aligning with our True Self and creating and participating in real and genuine experiences.

During my time in Bali I enjoyed delicious food, pure squeezed juice, and many healings and massages, most of which were all within a short walking distance from the villa.

I can’t recommend this enough to anyone who wishes to heal, and wishes to receive the support to come home to yourself. The added bonus in Suna is everywhere you look there is a smile to be shared, and overwhelming feelings of love.

I’d like to share some photos of the villa with you.


This was such an awesome space to relax, with only a few steps to cool off in the pool.

The view from one of the three large bedrooms of a night.

My upstairs bedroom, beautifully air-conditioned!

This is the gorgeous live in maid Wayan who made the most delicious breakfasts and juices, and keeps the villa spotless every day.  

Here is the driver Made, who speaks English very well, and is incredibly centered and wise. I thoroughly enjoyed my drives with him discussing local traditions and spirituality. He spoke to me at length how men recognise the beauty of, and respect and revere women in the harmonious Indonesian culture… Such gorgeous community and household philosophies that work for the greater good.

I would also like to take this opportunity to share with you the ability to stay at this wonderful villa.

To enquire about staying at the villa, and enjoying the healing benefits of Suna please contact my very good friend Moana Miller at her email address here:

Please know as of next week radio shows, and blog articles are back to normal!

Also the 30 day Empowered Life and Love Challenge starts early February. For those of you who don’t know, the 30 day challenge will run weekly on the Narcissism and Relationships blog and on my radio show Empowered Love Radio for 4 weeks.

My goal in this 4 weeks is to provide you with the tools and knowledge to release codependency, master your emotions, claim your deservedness, build your self esteem and make you an effective boundary setter.

If you have not as yet subscribed to Empowered Life and Love Newsletter to be a part of the 30 day challenge you can subscribe here.

New Life newsletter will return to weekly blogs next week. During my time off I’ve had a lot of time to think about these blog posts and I’m excited to say that I have a lot in store for 2013.

I’m going to do the best I can to provide you with the knowledge and guidance to overcome narcissistic abuse, and never look back!

If you have had a positive healing experience overseas I’d love to hear to hear about it in the comments below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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49 Thoughts on I’m Back… Relaxed, Rejuvenated And Excited For 2013!
    January 18, 2013

    the villa is so beautiful!!!

    “what is really important is the love, truth and the peace of our souls. To live an authentic life surrounded by authentic people, joy, realness and true love.”


    Welcome back Mel!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      lovely to hear from you.

      Yes the villa is divine!

      This is so true Jen, and a choice we can all make. There is so much beautiful energy in the world and so many wonderful souls to co-create with!

      Lots of love

      Mel xo

    danelle mccarthy
    January 18, 2013

    Hi Mel and thanks for the pictures of Bali. I am convinced Bali has special powers as a healing center because it was all I could think about during my most intense narcissistic abuse phase and break away…..I studied how to get to Bali for months and eventually ended up settling for the Hawaiian Islands so I could work and begin the slow process of re-integrating my fragmented soul. I think Bali is still in my future but now it will be a ‘real’ adventure–unclouded by the former false existence. Also enjoyed the Cairns pics as my son spent a fantastic semester abroad in the same area and loved it. Glad you are back and I am stoked for the 30 day challenge.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Danelle,

      You are very welcome…

      It is so true that the healing energy of Bali is truly phenomenonal! I had a very similiar life-changing healing experience in Koh Samui some years ago…It truly is the people, the vibration, the reverence, the gentleness and the deep authentic love and spirituality of such places…

      I so hope you do get to experience Bali one day, it is so much better than what I remembered 10 years ago…

      I can’t recommend the experience enough!

      I am so glad you are looking forward to the 30 day challenge, I am very excited about getting it started too.

      It is wonderful to be back – thank you!

      Mel xo

    Maria W
    January 18, 2013

    Your so Gorgeous as always Mel and now you radiate even more Love, Compassion and Vitality.

    So glad you got to recharge and refocus. Life always has little miracles around us.
    Lots of Love & welcome back

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Maria,

      Awww thank you for your lovely compliment.

      I truly do feel after this healing rejuvenation more aligned, true to me and centred than I can remember for a long time.

      I do feel integrated back as a much more improved version of my True Self, and it is a wonderful feeling.

      I know my contributions to the community will reflect this – this year absolutely!

      Yes life is so full of miracles, and it is wonderful to connect to the joy in the small miracles every day again.

      True joy is the opening up to ourself and Source through our hearts…

      Thank you for your welcome back, and it is lovely to be back Maria!

      Mel xo

    January 18, 2013

    Hi Melanie. I’m glad to see and read that you have surrounded yourself with beauty and goodness. It sounds very cleansing and a great place to begin 2013. I have had an amazing month also….losing my father and reclaiming myself..the most amazing and empowering experience I have been through as of yet! Your methods have escorted me through these challenging times and I feel for the first time ever that I am at one with myself. I look forward to your guidance and direction in what I know will be a wonderful 2013! I am up for the challenge!!! Love and luck to us all. Thank you once again for your invaluable insight and honest empathy.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      Thank you so much for your post. Yes it was really important for me to align myself for 2013 – we really are in vibrational times – of ‘so within so without’….

      As creators we are all incredibly responsible for our ‘inner’ as it is the creator without exception of the ‘outer’…and as time goes by this is going to be unavoidable reality…

      In fact it already is, the choice is whether we wish to become conscious of this and take responsibility or continue our life unconsciously.

      That is wonderful and so inspiring that you have been able to grow, heal and accept your father passing away in the way you have.

      Life changing events and loss can bring us to our knees, or if we dedicate the time, and go within, do take us home to being ‘at one’.

      These times grant us the powerful opportunities to heal our inner fears and powerlessness that we have never healed before.

      It is so wonderful that you directed your energy inward and consciously.

      Yes it is going to be a wonderful year…I agree totally! Wonderful that you are taking on the challenge to heal and grow – as wonderful results and blessings will flow for you as a result!

      Mel xo

    January 18, 2013

    Dear Mel

    My heart made a little jump for joy when I found your newsletter in my inbox this morning! It’s so great to have you back. After reading your story on Bali, I feel like I will visit there one day too, it sound absolutely magical and exactly what I feel I deserve.
    I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us this year. With your inspiration and guidance, I am ready to make 2013 the best year yet!
    Love, Leonore

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Leonore,

      My heart did a lovely little skip upon reading your post!

      I am so glad you are looking forward to the growth, healing and self-development we can do together this year.

      This is going to be the best year ever!!

      And YES! You should spoil yourself itha trip to Bali – you DO deserve it!

      Mel xo

    January 18, 2013

    Welcome back Mel, you look absolutely amazing! Your vacation reminded me of the book and movie ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. I’ve seen the movie but not read the book completely as yet – will get there soon! I ‘think’ I am moving on with my life now except for 1 disturbing factor – the mosaic I so passionately created for my ‘ex-boyfriend’ (quite a huge one especially made for his bedroom) was given away to 1 of his children. I am livid all over again. Sorry to pour this onto you but I need to deal with this matter and I know you can guide me with this one, thanks Mel xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Susmita,

      thank you and it is lovely to be back!

      Yes my holiday was a bit like that – totally! Full of wellbeing and healing!

      In regard to your disturbing factor it is very important to rememember and focus on this.

      It is the unhealed parts of ourself, our own powerlessness that take on and absorb the narcissist’s behaviour. Truly when you release and heal the energy ties of ‘what the narcissist did to you’, and shift into the realisation that the narcissist does what he does because of ‘payback’, because of his disordered mind, and that it actually isn’t your stuff, it’s his, you will release yourself.

      When you are released from this ‘personalisation’ and making his actions ‘about you’, none of these memories will bother or haunt you.

      You will be free to be your own integrity and truth and connection with healthy people.

      Are you working with NARP? The bonus MP3 is very powerful for matters such as this.

      You can set up the goal of ‘Being free from taking on any of his actions, words or behaviour’ and clear all resistance and come home to your integrity, truth and peace.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

    January 18, 2013

    Dear Melanie, Welcome back! How beautifully you write of your experience.You are such an inspiration. Love Carolyn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Carolyn,

      Thank you for your welcome back!

      I am so glad you enjoyed reading about my Bali experience!

      It certainly is one of my greatest desires that my life, with all its trials and tribulations and necessity for my own growth can inspire others…

      I am so blessed to be able to realise and ‘do’ this personal mission to not only assist myself but others as well.

      Mel xo

    January 18, 2013

    Welcome back Mel! I was so happy to see your newsletter this morning, and real excited to learn of the coming events. Bali looks like the place I need to go. My life is starting to change for the better. I’m changing thanks to you. God bless you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Meloday,

      thank you so much, and I am so happy you were happy to see this newsletter!

      It is wonderful you are excited about your own growth and healing!

      I am so pleased your life is changing for the better, and that you are becoming the creator of the love, truth and integrity that you really are!

      If you can absolutely grant yourself the healing sanctuary of Bali!

      Mel xo

    January 19, 2013

    “To live an authentic life surrounded by authentic people, joy, realness and true love.” Words that I needed to hear, and soothing to the soul!
    As I count down the days I am so blessed to have found such a place as this to hear my “story” shared over and over, reading messages of strength and healing that has truely helped me be strong and face my life as it was always intended to be. The support of friends and colleagues has been overwhelming as they have offered neccessities for my empty apartment, as well as the offering of their love and support. Coming out of this “world of false hope and uncertainty” has been scary but at the same time liberating and eye-opening. Letting myself “shine” again has shown me that I didn’t die…I stood up, I faced my greatest fears, and was able to give myself permission to thrive and flourish. I did for a few seconds feel bad for my NH and and those who won’t understand. That “mercy” in me comes pouring forth.. in full measure! But then, I remember that I need to take care of myself. I am reclaiming my life, giving myself the freedom to be safe and heal. And move on. I must confess, Mel, that I had to go back and read over your words of encouragement and wisdom in order to keep moving. I am doing it. I’m taking back the life that was always meant to be. Thank you for being here for me. One day, I will give you an ENORMOUS hug!! Love you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Teresa,

      Thank you for your gorgeous post, which not only serves to re-inspire you, I am sure it also inspires others.

      That has been so wonderful that you have such solid support. Yes leaving behind the false world is scary initially, it is all that we know, and it is what we beleived we should or had to hang on to.

      The incredible thing is that when we do let go we learn the truth of ourself.

      If we wish to be conscious beings, there is nowhere else to go…

      The fears and the powerlessness that led us into these relationships and tolerating subhuman behaviour that was confusing, abusive and soul destroying.

      It is incredibly liberation and incredible personal growth when we confront our own feelings of dependencies and powerlessness that kept us attached – and heal and release these fearful parts.

      Your journey Teresa is about ‘you’. It is impossible to try to take responsibility and feel ‘sorry’ for someone who refuses to take responsibility for their unhealed parts and fears of powerlessness…it’s not your job.

      You can only take responsibility for your own.

      Teresa it is perfectly okay for you to continue to read and soak yourself in the empowerment, encouragement and support from this community to keep walking forward.

      That is wonderful that you are coming home and claiming your True Self.

      Hugs are beautiful, and I’m giving you a cyber one right now!

      Mel xo

    Susan Powell
    January 19, 2013

    So glad you are back, rested and fulfilled. I am still living with the Narc and tried starting the healing program, but finding a lot of resistance within, though I am passionate about healing myself. I know what I need to do, but am still frozen. I will persevere!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Susan,

      Thank you and I am glad to be back feeling rested and whole!

      It can be very difficult to focus on ‘self’ when stuck in the contact and toxicity with a narcissist…absolutely.

      Are you able to create Modified Contact with strict boundaries or even No Contact in your living arrangements? Are you able to deatch your energy as much as possible? Are you able to move away?

      You may need to create some space for you…where you have enough relief and energy to get focused on your healing journey.

      Good luck and much strength.

      Mel xo

    January 19, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    So true I went to South Africa for Christmas invited by my lovely brother and the break from all the problems rejuvenated me totally! I came back feeling so much stronger emotionally! Bali sounds wonderful too! Now I am ready to live again and look forward to a future free of narcissm! Thanks for your support it has been crucial but Im aware that I need to develop assertive skills and boudaries now!! much lovexx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Christiane,

      That is wonderful that you had a lovely rejuvenating holiday too.

      That is wonderful that you recognise the need for boundaries and assertion, and it is always powerful when we use the pain of these relationships to make it all about healing our unhealed wounds, fears and inner parts where we have felt afraid, powerless or disconnected from ourselves.

      Life changing stuff, and the true creation of joy and wonderful results in your life!

      There will be lots of stuff re help with boundaries coming up in the 30 day challenge!

      Mel xo

    January 19, 2013

    Welcome Welcome Welcome back, I have been checking my emails daily for news of your return, so was very excited to receive the email from you today, not that I begrudge you a fabulous break, quite the opposite, it is very heartwarming hearing about your Christmas and new year holidays. I almost visited Bali last year following my trip to India but the ex narc was still in my life at that point and as we very well know, things never work out the way we want them to when they are in our lives but I am even more looking forward going there now since completing the quanta healing program and hearing about your trip there – I can’t wait and as has already been mentioned in other posts, I now know I deserve it and will be there with a much clearer and more open heart.

    Welcome back and I look forward to whats in store for 2013.

    Much love to all xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Karen,

      thank you for your lovely welcome backs!

      Yes that is very true we are not free to claim our healing and ourself until the final break is made!

      That is wonderful that you wish to visit Bali!

      Absolutely beautiful that you know you deserve love, truth and healing, and you know you can open your heart – firstly to yourself, and then to real life, and creating ‘more of your self-love’.

      Mel xo

        January 19, 2013

        Thanks Mel and I can honestly say that it is purely down to you that I am now, after 45 years of being on this planet, able to truly know that yes I do deserve love, truth and healing and after years and years of different types of ‘traditional’ therapies, and being a ‘good’ survivor, your recovery from narcissism program ‘cured’ me in just 8 days!!! I put ‘cured’ in brackets as I know I still have work to do, I am, in the next few days, going to purchase the self empowerment program as I still have work to do on boundaries and being my true authentic self but there is no going back for me now and that is all down to you, I could never thank you enough. Life really is now the journey which is not always an easy ride but as I said, there’s no turning back now, its forwards I go.

        much love

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          January 22, 2013

          Hi Karen,

          that is so lovely that you have been able to claim this level of truly loving yourself.

          I am such a big fan of deep heal thyself energetic healing as opposed to traditional methods, because they don’t even get close to the core of matters.

          I am so glad NARP provided you with such powerful breakthroughs in such a short amount of time…truly you were clearly very ready to break free from the shackles of abuse.

          You are so very welcome, and it is so true that when we have had enough, and we are ready to claim our soul there is no turning back. Our life becomes a mission of working on and feeling into our ‘self’ taking responsibility and clearing our pain and false and painful beliefs to be the very best we can.

          What choice do we have when the outcomes of our life are directly created from the inner us?

          Life is so much more of a difficult ride when we don’t go inwards and claim our pain to transform and release it 🙂

          I am so pleased you are feeling the fullness of you!

          Blessings and much love to you too Karen!

          Mel xo

    Sandy Boyd
    January 19, 2013

    Welcome back, Melanie! I have really missed you and your supportive messages. The upcoming “30 day Empowered Life and Love Challenge” sounds like it will be very healing. And it covers many of the topics we survivors face in our recovery. I’m looking forward to it. Glad to hear you had a wonderful, relaxing, uplifting, and energizing vacation. It’s important to remember to take care of yourself and you lead by example. 🙂 Hugs, dear lady!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Sandy,

      I am so glad you are looking forward to the 30 day challenge, it really will be an amazing journey of healing fears, facing and releasing inner powerlessness and committing to self-growth!

      Believe me I’m human and there are times in my life I have not led by example…and this was screaming at me by the end of 2012.

      Fortunately I listened and applied myself to the most important mission I have – which is taking responsibility for me, and my own inner world.

      I am so relieved and grateful that I did listen to what life was telling me and do this…

      Honouring ourself and life and self-healing truly is the answer.

      Mel xo

    January 19, 2013

    hello Melanie, thank you deeply for your most inspiring words and spirit, and this is incredibly evident after your Bali stay. it sounds and actually feels divine just reading about it. your selfless advice and resulting strength and clarity in us your readers is amazing, and i regularly turn to your pages to maintain that inner power and objective stance after extracting myself from a Narc husband, and his toxic, infantile, false, abusive and controlling attempts at being a partner . and its been uplifting and great to ‘walk away’! there are still some steps to go i know but i can already see and feel the true, full, freer, renewing and courageous “Me” emerging!and i like what i am seeing. Thank you for you, and for your help !!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 19, 2013

      Hi Theresa,

      you are so very welcome. I am really pleased that what I could gain in Bali transmits energetically here!

      I truly do believe with all my heart in us, as a community. Growing, shedding our old skins and patterns and being released into the glorious beings we truly are.

      When we do release the fear, the pain and the powerlessness, and our own self-rejections and self-denials we truly do emerge into Truth…

      And this Truth is not a match for individuals who cannot and will not walk a similiar journey of dealing with their own painful human experience of self-rejection and powerlessness (narcissists).

      Water finds its own level – and when we become self-realised and clean our own inner being back to its true essence then we simply wont vibrate at a level of illusionary or false love again.

      This clarity and release is freedom and renewal.

      That is wonderful that you are enjoying this self-process that you are committed to.

      Mel xo

    January 19, 2013

    Thank you for sharing your words and photos Melanie! Happy New Year and a wonderful 2013 to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2013

      Hi Tony,

      you are so welcome, and a wonderful 2013 and blessings to you too!

      Mel xo

    January 20, 2013

    Hi Melanie! I was excited to hear some of the details surrounding your vacation. You help so many people and deseeve to take time for yourself as well… The villa was quite spectacular and I love that you bond with the staff.
    My divorce was final on October 31, 2012 after 21 years of marriage. I have to thank you for showing me all that you have so far! I did not realize I was dealing with a narcissist until the end of my divorce when I ran across your blog! Thank heavens and a big “Amen” for that luck! I always somehow ended up blaming myself even though I knew I tried so hard. Feeling crazy was my middle name, lol… then I came across your blog to find everything perfectly made sense in a way that I never dreamed or imagined. I found out on Facebook that my husband was living with another woman while travelling with his job. I now know that he had many girlfriends in many places he traveled which I had suspected but always gave him the benefit of the doubt. His narcissistic behavior is as classic as it gets. Anyhow, keep writing and I will keep reading thank you so very much for helping me start the healing process.

    So glad to hear that you had a wonderful relaxing vacation but also very glad that your back!


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2013

      Hi Hilary,

      Thank you yes it was lovely to nurture me! It is so beautiful to let go of any illusions of superiority and inferiority and just live through the heart.

      At soul level we are all totally ‘equal’, it is only our painful parts that get drawn into seperation illusions of ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m better than others’…

      People in Bali understand this soul connection perfectly, that self-acceptance is also acceptance and reverence of all others…that’s the joy of love and connection!

      I am so glad you have been able to step onto your healing process, and I am so happy that I can help.

      Mel xo

    January 20, 2013

    ….. I just want to add that I have recently started my own spiritual journey combined with the healing process of narc abuse but for the first time possibly ever I am beginning to feel a sense of happy, calm, & peaceful self. Even on the heals of this painfully devastating last year (honestly, decades) I am still feeling a spiritual happiness that I have never experienced before. I want to learn and take in as much as I can about myself, my true self, my spirit, my being and all that surrounds me. I cannot even begin to thank you deeply enough for guiding me to this place. You have saved me and even though much healing is still necessary, I am thankful for many things and you are one of them. Have a wonderful weekend and I look forward to this wonderful new year.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2013


      that is so beautiful, and I am so happy for you.

      What you are starting to experience is your ‘soul’ the True You without the painful fragmented parts of yourself that have kept you disconnected from you…

      Because you are healing them…

      You are moving out of the illusion that ‘something on the outside’ grants you your soul and happiness…you are coming home to your true authentic power (which we all have)…

      I didn’t save you Hilary – you took on the responsibility of saving yourself. I was only the ‘information’ that you were seeking to do so.

      Mel xo

    January 20, 2013

    Hi Mel
    Welcome back!! I was just thinking the other day how I have missed your blogs and posts as they truly give me insight and power to deal with the narc in my life. I am still living with mine. I cant get out as he had me falsely arrested in September, and through his manipulation of the courts and false claims to the Department of Child Services I have been jumping through hoop after hoop to have his false claims disproved. My attorney has advised me that I can leave, but i cannot get out with my kids right now until the Civil Charges are dropped by the court system. He continues to prolong the case by alleging I am bi polar, violent, have purchased a gun with the intent to kill him… the charges go on and on. I disprove them one by one but it is a process and nothing happens in the courts overnight.
    I read your ebooks over and over to give me insight strength and self empowerment. Yoga has also been incredibly helpful in centering my source energy and not allowing the toxic environment to penetrate. I keep a smile on my face and a happy personna everyday for my kids, and keep my eye on the prize which is freedom, inner peace, self love, and healng the holes in my heart that until finding you, and realizing that I am the only one who can do this , I was looking to have filled by someone else.
    Thank You and God Bless!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2013

      Hi Heather,

      you task is certainly not enviable.

      It is usual to have to defend yourself against false claims, as narcs will use any maliscious tactic (including pathological lies) to try to win, punish, or payback for the perceived atrocities ‘you have done to him’.

      Keep strong, keep in truth and truly the lies will fall flat. The truth does always come out in the end if your vibration is as depersonalised and in clarity as much as possible.

      Try not to go into feelings of hate and revenge for the incredible injustices he is doing, because then you only get dragged down to the same soul detached, painful and lower vibrational level.

      Know that he actually can’t help it. He is a disordered mind in serious pain and emptiness and he knows no better…

      And of course you can’t help him – because he won’t take responsibility for it himself…If you try to, it always continues to end up being ‘your fault’.

      Just keep walking your empowerment and truth and you will get out with your inner self more authetic, real and true that you could have imagined. From that place you will create your future authetic life – absolutely.

      It’s great that you understand how you did get into this predicament.

      When we believe that the source to ourself is outside ourself, we can and will only attract another individual who seeks external power, rather than lives and creates authetic truth and self…if this person also happens to be so disconnected from their own soul, and generating enough self-hatred – that they have the capacity to forgo reverence for self and others, this person can pull on virtually any resource or behaviour to avoid their pain (rather than take responsibility to heal their inner torment), and attack and project – that is a relationship with a narcissist.

      Now that you know you need to be the true source to yourself, and that you can be whole…this pattern ends, and you will co-create and share ‘wholeness’…

      You are so welcome, and it is wonderful you are on this journey!

      Mel xo

        January 22, 2013

        Welcome back and thank you for this wonderful reply to Heather. I especially agree with your statement that “… (I) can’t help him because he won’t take responsibility for it himself… If you try to, it always continues to end up being “your fault”.” I am finally realizing this and just doing my best to focus on being the best person I can be without any help from anyone. Thank you so much for being so wise and helping all of us cope!!!!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    January 22, 2013

    Hi Maddie,

    thank you for your welcome back!

    I am so pleased my reply to Heather assisted you.

    Yes total rule of thumb is don’t get caught up in trying to create responsibility from a person who refuses to take it.

    Narcs project and have nil accountability for atrocious maliscious and pathological behaviour, and their disordered mind firmly believes that ‘what they do’ is ‘what you do’…its a lot like an alcoholic looking at a person who got tipsy twice that year and declaring ‘You’re the alcoholic!'(Mind you alcoholics despite their brain damage are usually nowhere near as delusional as narcissists.

    The sad thing is narcs are so fractured and ‘split’ that they actually believe it…

    The only solution,(and a much more preferrable one) is stop fighting a person who is not capable of the basics of moral conduct and accountability, and heal and create a reality with sanity, wholeness of self and people who have the foundations to co-create real life and joy.

    A relationship with a narcissist is anything but…

    The other side, when you have healed enough of your inner parts that allowed you to get caught up in this abusive dynamic, is pure relief and the wondering ‘Why on earth did I ever put myself through that?’

    You are so welcome, and keep healing, letting go and creating your true life.

    Mel xo

    January 22, 2013

    Hi Mel, I listened to your radio show early today and I would like to thank you for your insightful, helpful, crystal clear explanation on putting the power on one’s self and not on others, specially the narc.

    Your radio show today resonated with me and my experience – which I posted a message on in your previous blog post – about the need I was still carrying to make the narc accountable as well as tons of emotions I thought I have dealt with and moved on from – all of which came up after receiving a malicious hooking email from my narc ex during the holidays.

    Again, your QFH tremendously helped me process all the emotions I thought, maybe self-righteously too, I had no more issues about.

    I would like to share, after I did QFH (it was a 2-3 day session) and really went in to all I could about the emotions, regret, sadness, anger. etc. I was all still carrying, I felt as if a large chunk of something on my chest was chiseled off. I felt the area over my chest felt wide and open and it also felt warm. I cant help but think it was some form of emotional surgery.

    Also, when I received the poisonous email, I was suddenly aware of the disconnect between what my head was thinking and what my body was reacting to. When I did QFH, both got together and jelled.

    It was shocking, sad but also freeing and healing to realize how I was holding onto stuff, and all the muck and even to my narc ex still and how I actually felt fear and sadness to finally say goodbye to him – but I did. (Believe it or not, when I was doing this, there was a videoke session next door as there was a New Year party and the song being sung had the lyrics “..this will be our last goodbye” from the song Carrie by Journey.

    I dont know how I could have processed all my emotions if not for QFH, Thank you for reminding us to not give power to anyone else and how our power is always in us and not on anyone else’s. I had to be reminded painfully of this. Thank you Mel for your soothing and gentle reminder about this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      I’m so glad the radio show resonated deeply with you and made sense.

      That is fantastic that you deeply claimed and went into your pain. It is so true that when we challenge this inner pain and heal it that we do clear our blocks to our authentic self.

      This is when the space opens up to be connected, to be genuinely fulfilled, whole and at peace (which nothing from the outside can grant us, because it needs to be an inside job).

      Truly this is emotional surgery, and what does create the real results!

      The expereince you had of your head and emotions aligning was your personality (mind, choices and behaviour) aligning with the truth of your soul – which is what spiritual and self-development and self-mastery is all about.

      Yes confronting and challenging our inner pain is painful, but when we do it, we make the necessary transformations back to Soul Truth, and the experience is one of freedon, lightness, joy and truth – and we may need to do many shifts to get there.

      The commitment to that brings more and more of the good stuff and the gradual (and often rapid) dissolving of the pain, the fear and our connection to old patterns that simply do not serve us.

      I have often said to people “If it was not for QFH and these deeper soul techniques I really believe I would be dead or institutionalised!”. I know head therapy would never have cut it for me…

      You are so welcome Jennifer, and keep up the great work – you are TOTALLY on track to claim your True Self and the joy of your real life!

      Mel xo

        January 23, 2013

        THANK YOU Mel! Thank you very much!!! Blessings to you!!!

    January 23, 2013

    Melanie, like so many others here I can’t begin to fully express my gratitude at finding your site and for the wisdom and healing inspiration you offer us here. It has been two months since the phrases Victim of Narcissistic Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder first made my radar after an acquaintance who knew very little of my story first directed me to your site. This was three months after my four year Rebound relationship with the most recent, and most severe, Narcissist ended, and two years after the trauma I suffered at the hands of that Rebound Narcissist as well as the Narcissist Husband before him netted me a 70 day stay in the psychiatric ward. During two years of intensive weekly or more frequent therapies with a psychologist and a psychiatrist, not once was the obvious detected or mentioned: I was suffering complicated traumatic stress disorder arising from being the victim of extremely punishing Narcissistic Abuse. I have had to — and continue having to — do much inner work to direct my focus on my own healing and away from blame for a mental health system that completely missed the obvious.

    Reading your words gave me hope for the first time in over four years. Reading the stories others have shared gave me confidence that I was stumbling across truth. The euphoria, (and truly, it was nothing less than that) of discovering authentic truth describing and accounting for my experience led me to the life changing discovery that, not only was my Rebound Narcissist suffering from NPD, but so in fact did my mother suffer with NPD … and eventually, (though I resisted the urge to see the obvious at first) to the realization that my 18 year marriage was also to a man with NPD. You yourself know the relief at learning the accurate language for our afflictions … and of course the great shift in directing our energies toward healing the wounded aspects of our inner identity instead of on the chaos of trying to make unworkable relationships work. So there I was. Here I am.

    I have maintained No Contact with my Rebound Narcissist, though every few weeks he contacts me by e-mail or text with an attempt at a lure back. I am aware I could change my phone number and my e-mail address. I am a freelance contract writer and changing my contact information would be cumbersome and pointless as my work demands a certain public accessibility; even if I would change my numbers and addresses it would only be a matter of time before a cursory online search would grant my Narcissistic ex access to my new information. I’ve decided to discipline myself in alignment with No Contact, rather than trying to force him to.

    I am doing a variety of healing modalities, including some of your Quanta Freedom Healing, and am so proud of myself for moving into hope for a thriving future rather than the mere surviving I’ve been doing for over four years when my Narcissistic Husband of 18 years left our marriage quite suddenly one day after confessing 14 years of emotional and physical infidelity. But I am lonely! So lonely! I have a great network of friends, though no family of origin contact, and feel that I shouldn’t be complaining. But I am complaining. I’m lonely. I’m 45 years old, I have shared custody of three young sons – 8, 10, 13 – and should have so much to offer them and the world as I am strong, confident, accomplished, creative and resilient. But I am still crying. I am also 45 years old, financially poor, (I was a stay-at-home, non-income earning wife and mom and very active community volunteer for 18 years) definitely grappling with relationship and people pleasing addictions as well as, no doubt, the negative peptide addiction so common in victims of Narcissistic Abuse.

    I am really hurting right now. In the two months since I first felt the flood of relief to have discovered the information you so generously share, I’ve read and learned a tonne … but still really, really feel so sad … so wounded … so devastated at how publically and happily my Rebound Narcissist is shamelessly moving on with his wonderful life … while I am still crying over the loss of that relationship. I invested a lot. I know – we all do. I did.

    I guess I’m just surprised at how deep my wounds go. At that I am crying again, when I was really quite so grateful and relieved to have discovered, finally, the root of the dysfunctions in my relationships. I know it’s not much money, but it’s an investment to be sure, on my budget … I need to get going on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Because the self directed study I’ve been doing and the Youtube clips I’ve watched and done the Quanta Freedom Healing with, aren’t enough apparently. I am really really hurting right now.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    January 23, 2013

    Hi Tallolah,

    You are so very welcome.

    You poor thing, you have been through such a tough time. My heart sends love to you…

    It is astounding how many narcissists slip through the net, never get diagnosed or identifed, and how the contemporary model fails to see the narc traits, or the symptoms of people who have been narcissistically abused…it never ceases to astound me when narc characteristics are so obvious and so stock-standard.

    These glaringly obvious traits can be summed up in one simple sentence.

    Extreme lack of accountability, inability to have normal healthy remorse regarding atrocious acts, capable of maliscious / vengeful behaviour and a propensity to continuously pathologically lie….how hard should it be to identify that this is narcissistic?

    I am SO pleased you have been able to find answers and support here…

    What you can do rather than change your numbers and email is block him. There are apps and processes to do so. Then if he finds a way to continue doing so take out an intervention order for harrasment, and mean it…this is about saying NO MORE to this pattern in your life.

    There is absolutely nothing to be gained from hearing any words of regret or false promises. You know that in regard to a narcissist there is never any ability to even believe what you are hearing is true. The truth is the narcissist from moment to moment does know what is real for him either.

    When you have been narcissistically abused the wounds of co-dependency, and the inability to feel ‘safe’ and ‘full’ in life do run very deep. The truth was these were always a part of us that the narc just happened to bring to the surface and throttle enough that we needed to take responsibility and do something about these unhealed parts (and many others).

    Okay sweetie, it is time to get to the real work, and yes NARP will assist you to do this very much so.

    The real work is about going into every one of these ‘hurts’ and really asking ‘What is it about me that hurts and requires healing?’ and releasing and transforming these wounded parts of you one by one.

    Then you will emerge from the cocoon of pain and fear as the beautiful joyous, loving and creative butterfly that you really are.

    Never give up hope, because the truth of your Soul is waiting for you patiently to clear the inner muck out of the way…

    And you will see how much life supports you, loves you, honours you and backs you when you totally, totally commit to taking responsibility for you wounded parts.

    You and life are one darling lady, and life will abundantly love you, when you love you enough to make your own healing your greatest mission in life.

    Mel xo

      January 23, 2013

      Thank you Melanie. I write with tears streaming out of my eyes. I am Cindy from Canada — you and I exchanged a few e-mails when I first discovered your site. I was the one (whose dabbled in marketing) who thought I might be able to support you in having your generous and life saving informative e-books and audio books converted to hard copy versions. I would still like to explore that conversation, which we can do privately.

      Meanwhile, so much of what you shared here now was helpful. Just to have SOMEONE acknowledge that this trauma I’ve endured really did have injurious origins — and the origins weren’t MY mental unwellness, (as every Narcissist with whom I’ve had personal relationships, from my mom to my husband to my Rebound Narc … have again and again tried to convince me of) is such a blessing. You’ve never met my particular Narcissists but you know them nevertheless. The moment to moment flip flopping of I love you I hate you and the chaos apparent even in their own eyes … I have seen it so many times. I have suffered at their confusion and conflict so many times.

      When I first came here to your site I honestly felt hope for the first time in four years. Melanie! I want you to hear that and really take it in! For four years I survived, barely survived … . And overnight, as my eyes pained from reading and reading and reading I suddenly knew Hope — Real Hope — for the first time in 48 months … it was nothing short of a miraculous event for me! Really. So as I’ve found myself dragged down emotionally the last week or two, well, it’s taken me by surprise. It was unexpected.

      I’ve really been doing so much in support of my healing: nutrition focused work, shamanic sound healing, African drumming, ayahuasca, reiki, bodytalk, private retreats, attunement channeling, cognitive workshops, your Quanta Freedom Healing, (though I think I should do some one on one with you on Skype) … yes, all these in the last few months after the Rebound Narc left me when he cashed a real estate cheque, got the breathalyzer ignition interlock installed in his vehicle and no longer needed me to chauffeur him around after he got himself convicted of drunk driving … using me to sustain his self employment as a tile setter and his grand delusions of rock star fame with his punk rock band … three middle aged men all with Narcissistic Personality Disorder shredding on stages like Kurt Cobain wannabes to empty rooms, whoring to the bottom dregs of society leaned over the bar. But I digress.

      Ok. NARP is next. I will find the money, I will find the way. You have truly given me THE missing piece of the puzzle I have my whole life long been aware of as missing but which, before you, I could never quite put my finger on.

      When you say, the real work is about going into every one of my hurts and asking what requires healing … releasing and transforming these wounded parts of me … my heart shouts YES! This is what I want and what I am so ready for! I just thought … I’d done some of that, a lot of that, over the last few months … but the deep heart wrenching pain that’s come up the last few days tells me I have deeper to go. I will move into the NARP process and get involved with the Facebook NARP support as well. My sleeves are pulled up, and I am ready to work this. I don’t want to keep feeling the re-injury I have felt the last week.

      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do. You really are an international anomaly.


      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 24, 2013

        Hi Cindy,

        yes definetely we can still discuss the eBook possibilities – would love to!

        Oh yes, that is exactly the dynamic of narc relationships. The narc refusing all accountability for pathological and maliscious behaviour and projecting on to you that your reactions to this behaviour are to do with your psychological problems.

        This is why so many people get confused and start thinking ‘it is something wrong with me?’…

        Yes there is definetely – but certainly not what the narc is professing as his or her projection…(excuses to avoid accountability that the disordered mind of the narcissist firmly believes…)

        What was wrong was our dreadful fears of being alone, having to start all over again and not knowing that we could let go, heal and be fulfilled and honour ourself.

        It is thrilling, incredible and totally liberating Cindy when you do go inside, drop right into the intense fear and pain, be with it 100% unconditionally, be totally humble and honest with yourself about it and release and transform it.

        When I did my shifts to heal, there were times when I sobbed in the intensity of the deep excruciating pain, but then when the shift came in the same healing session only minutes after, I was crying even harder with total joy, relief and release…

        And more and more empowerment, joy and solidness flowed into my being.

        NARP will help you so much, and the goal setting MP3 is so unlimited…I am very excited about the possibilities and the shifts that people can achieve with this particular healing alone, and very soon I am going to share so many more shifts with NARP participants that bring us back to True Self state.

        I would love to catch up and chat soon Cindy!

        You are a gorgeous woman and you so deserve to break this pattern once and for all – and you truly will!

        Mel xo

    February 6, 2013

    Peace Melanie!

    Thank you for sharing. Your books and posts have helped me immensely on my healing journey and I’m gradually finding the joy, peace and love that is within and all around. The place where you stayed is beautiful! I also took a trip to Cape Verde and it was so healing and rejuvenating. I highly recommend Boa Vista, beautiful sunny beaches and of course everywhere in this universe, there are wonderful warm spirits that we can connect with. Much peace and love to you!

    JerDon and Sara Gibbs
    March 4, 2013

    Thanks very much for this article…

    My daughter’s X mother in-law has recently during her visitation weekends with her 9 yr old grandson and her 12 yr old granddaughter has been telling them that their mom
    (My daughter) is just like her husbands 1st wife that killed her two children and her self.

    Especially the 12 yr old girl is devastated and doesn’t want to go there anymore… But court ordered visitations force her to go…

    How in the world do we deal with this??

    Can a 12 yr old minor file a desist/stop verbal abuse order??

    I’m a Grandfather in Thailand and the situation is in the states… What to do??

    Sincerely JerDon

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