Being purposefully hurt and punished is not part of a normal relationship.
Only a highly disintegrated being, one that is malfunctioning, is capable of doing this to someone else.
A narcissist is this type of being.
If you don’t agree with the narcissist or you question them, or you want them to be held accountable for something then you are not serving them and you’re bucking the system.
If you’re not giving the narcissist what he or she deems is necessary then you must be punished and while in a narcissistic rage they will line you up and attack you mercilessly.
In my latest Thriver TV video I go into detail on what they’re doing, who they are and what they’re after. I also draw parallels between these personality-disordered people and celestial black holes so you understand that nothing will ever appease them.
I want you to have the knowledge and deeper understanding to take your power back, just like myself and thousands in this community have.
Video Transcript
Today I want to talk to you about why a narcissist must punish you. But before we get into that conversation, I just want to remind you. If you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel, please do. Also hit the notification bell because I do three new videos every week as well as a live at certain times or a question and answer. You also have access so many other resources also we put out through my channels.
The Narcissist Has Submerged Their True Self
Why must a narcissist punish you? Well, first of all, we’ll go right back to the start with a narcissist, and what they’re doing and who they are and what they’re after. A narcissist is somebody who has submerged their True Self.
They could have been born with a very expanded amygdala. They may have a lot of survival programs because they’ve come from a family genetic history of trauma.
Or, as a young child, they decided, “As myself, I can’t get my needs met and I’m ineffective so I’m going to bury my True Self and create a fictitious character in its place.”
This False Self to the narcissist is everything and everybody that they don’t really believe they are. This is a significant self, that is grandiose, beautiful or handsome, intelligent or powerful.
That’s the buffer against the Inner Being who is in self-disapproval or maybe even self-hatred. This is the Inner Being that the narcissist does not want to connect to, acknowledge, salvage, heal or save. They would rather discard them and replace them with this False Self.
Now, the False Self of the narcissist is not a True Self. It’s not connected to – Source, consciousness, a higher power, the superconscious, the Highest Self. It does not get True Source, love and approval. It does not have the ability to be anchored in the body. It’s not secure and safe and at peace unconditionally without stuff and things – which is the optimal way we want to operate.
You see, we all thought that to get that state of inner wholeness, and peace, and love and oneness was through stuff, it’s actually not. It’s through True Source. So a narcissist is terminally disconnected from True Source. The only way to True Source – True Self, the true Inner Being – is to love ourselves, warts and all, release our traumas, connect to Source and become an integrated being.
The Narcissist Is Like A Black Hole
A narcissist is a highly disintegrated being which means that they are malfunctioning. The malfunctioning is this attachment to a False Self, which is an egoic insatiable character. This is really a Life Force of its own that always needs something. It’s like a proverbial black hole that’s out there as a celestial being in space that doesn’t have its own Life Force or its own light. It doesn’t have its own energy system and it’s forever sucking other celestial bodies into it, but it’s still a black hole.
A narcissist is exactly the same. It doesn’t matter what they get, who they get, or what significance or narcissistic supply they get (which is attention, good or bad). It all falls into the black hole and the narcissist needs more and more and more.
They need that narcissistic supply and that outside force giving them the confirmation that they exist.
The inner black hole has made them submerge, push down and disassociate with True Self. That screaming black hole of unattended to wounds is forever threatening to engulf them if they don’t self-medicate. They need the buffer of getting stuff which distracts them and keeps them away from how they feel about themselves.
Why The Narcissist Punishes You
Now, in as far as why they have to punish us, it’s because the False Self is the narcissist’s true master. It’s relentless. And it’s always relentless to the narcissist – I want, I need, I must have. Everything outside of the narcissist – situations, people, events – are about getting narcissistic supply. Getting that attention, feed, stuff, resources, sex, that knowing of … “I can affect another person significantly and emotionally to get their emotional energy. Good or bad, it makes no difference, it gives me significance.”
The narcissist is being controlled and taken over by this egoic force, this False Self that they are serving – that’s what’s running the show. They have incredible expectations and conditions of, “I must be met a certain way.” If you don’t agree with the narcissist or you question them, or you want them to be held accountable for something then you are not serving the False Self and you’re bucking the system.
If you’re not giving the narcissist what he or she deems is necessary to feed the False Self adequately, then you must be punished. So the narcissist in a narcissistic rage, which could be cold or hot, will line you up and attack you mercilessly.
Narcissists are very, very clever because they’ve understood for a long time what your gap is and what hurts you. It could be them abandoning you. They know that triggers you, they know that throws you into a white hot panic and it hurts you more than anything. So that’s what the narcissist will do when you haven’t served the False Self adequately.
Or the narcissist may start accusing you of all sorts of things that you would never do. That’s your white hot button that triggers you and enrages you and rips your Soul to shreds. Maybe they’ll accuse you of having affairs when you would never do that.
Possibly, the narcissist throws other people in your face or does whatever it is that is your white hot button that really injures your Soul. These are previous belief systems, traumas and unhealed wounds that the narcissist has been able to find as your weak link. When they want to line you up and kick the cat, when they want the punching bag – because they’re in a rage of not getting what they wanted to serve the False Self, the true master – you bear the brunt of it.
At an even deeper level, the narcissist has disowned parts of themselves that they hate. They would rather not look at these parts of themselves because they are unacceptable. They’ve glossed them over with this fictitious character who is so wonderful and ‘holier than thou’. They are so righteous and incredible and all powerful and all beautiful. All those parts that they don’t want to look at, that they’ve never tried to heal or connect to Source, are getting more damaged in their own rot and their own disintegration.
The narcissist will line you up and tell you that you are these things. They will accuse you of being useless, worthless, that nobody loves you and everybody hates you and that you’re a disgusting being. It’s the parts of themselves that they hate, that they pick up and project onto you and then attack you because they want to annihilate those parts of themselves.
They get shoved onto you and then you get annihilated. So that’s another aspect of the punishment.
Why The Narcissist Is So Cruel
Narcissists are so cruel, they’re incredibly cruel. The cruelty is that you are not serving the narcissist. To us it doesn’t compute because let’s say you were to get terminally ill then a narcissist will be in the horror of, “Hang on. You need to be there for me to siphon your energy, and your resources, and your attention. Now you need me?”
The narcissist is the black hole, they’re not their own energy system. They have to get energy, they don’t have energy to give. The narcissist will be horrified and will discard you, will line you up, blame you, smear you, and try to protect their reputation with other people by telling them a whole heap of lies to give them the exit plan to be able to discard you. They have to smear you to do that. They have to make you out to be the bad person and that is the most horrific of punishments.
The same goes when they’ve siphoned out all of your resources and there’s nothing more for you to give and you’re literally a shell stripped of your Soul and your Life Force. They will throw you in the gutter because there’s no more to get. There’s no more to take from you. That’s horrific punishment.
Narcissists punish, they punish because you’re not serving the False Self adequately. They punish because they’re projecting their disowned parts onto you. And they punish you because there’s nothing left to get. If you need them, even if you’re in a bout of difficulties, or sorrow, or despair, or heartbreak in your life – because that’s life – when you’re down, they will kick you in the head, they will punish you. Because they’re thinking, “How dare you need me?”
Or, if they’re an altruistic narcissist, they’ll give, and give, and give, but it comes at a terrible price. They’re using it to store up, “Look at what I did for you. Now you have to do this for me.” They’re doing it with an agenda attached to it. If we’re with a narcissist looking for a free lunch, we end up being lunch. It’s really very, very painful.
I hope that this has helped explain to you why a narcissist has to punish you. I want you to really take your power back. If we keep signing up for this, if we keep going back – which I understand when you’re in terrible trauma bonds, and peptide addiction, and the deeper physiological chemical reasons why you’re attached to a narcissist and you can’t break away – we’re really punishing ourselves because it never gets better. It actually gets worse.
Once you’re in that cycle, it gets worse and worse. The reason really at a Soul level, at a Soul lesson level is … how bad do we have to get punished before we break away, let go, and start healing ourselves? How much does it have to hurt before we’re going to do that necessary Soul transaction between us and Source.
That’s where my work comes in. It’s so Soul-devastating when you’re getting lined up and punished by a narcissist, and you keep going back to the very person who keeps hurting you. You know it but you can’t stop doing it.
In Conclusion
I really want to give you a solution to this so I’m going to let you know of two of my resources. My most powerful resources will help you quickly and powerfully get back into your body, take your power back, and stop what’s happening to you.
So the most powerful one is NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It saved my own life and it’s saved the life of thousands of people that are going through exactly this. It helped them to not just survive narcissists, but truly Thrive after them and never have to repeat cycles like this with other horrific people.
So check out NARP. And if you want to learn more about NARP, and how you can get back in your body and heal and stop punishing yourself, please come into my free webinar. There’s a healing in it where right from the get go, you’re going to start to feel relief, and hope. Your energy will start to return and that obsession will start to dissolve away. It’s going to help you so much.
I hope this explains and I hope that this can give you some hope that you can get out of this, I promise you can. And not just heal, but actually move on to Thrive. I hope this helps.
I was loved bombed for two months. Then the mask fell off.
She became a screaming lunatic. She wanted to argue and fight constantly.
She had a private war going on with my youngest teenage daughter, trying to get her in trouble with me constantly. She met my oldest daughter that moved in with her mother at 17. She was going up to the restaurant that the oldest daughter worked at and was sabotaging our relationship.
She created the situation where she met my ex-wife and they began to hang out together.
It took me a little over a year to get her out of my house. After a road rage incident where she was driving the car with me as a passenger, I told her it was over and I didn’t want to see her again.
She went on a smear campaign contacting friends, family members, and co-workers. She contacted the police claiming I had inappropriately touched my youngest daughter. She went to my work and made criminal allegations against me. I was cleared in both incidents but it was several months of Hell.
For the last 14 years, I have been getting all kinds of junk mail that I have been signed up for. Also, I have been signed up for all kinds of computer spam, porn sites, and all kinds of raunchy sexual dating hook-up sites. At one time my secondary email address was getting 100-200 spam a day.
I reported this to the police back during the peak of the computer spam which was in 2009 after I was signed up for a incest newsletter. Not much was done.
She is the most hateful and vindictive person I have ever met. I dont think this will ever end. By the way, I have done the No Contact for the last 14 years.
Dear Melanie! For years I listened to the smearing, the antagonist attacks, the verbal assaults and what ever else the narcissist could think of to belittle or chastise me. I saw this as a form of rage or as we usually call it narcissistic rage and it was certainly out in the open! What I never was able to see was the silent rage…. that type of thing went on insidiously day after day after day and I think that it was more damaging than her verbal assaults. For certain that type of “silent horror” had an impact on me, and now I know why. Thanks for this wonderful video and blog today! Much love to you, Melanie! ❤️🦋❤️
Oh yes. I agree. I was the recipient of the silent rage with his insidious disapproval that went on with the narcissist I was with for – I hate to say it – entirely too long. However, I was aware of the silent rage.(I managed to explain away his behavior on his diagnosis of bipolar disorder.) I finally saw the light of a covert narcissist shining through his cracks and realized this was a very toxic relationship that I had attached myself to, and am now “no contact” for 5 months and am OK. I understand I am slowly recovering.
Hi Peter,
you are welcome as always Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Yes, it goes on and on. She sounds exactly as vindictive as the NPD boyfriend I parted ways with in 2009. Exact same tactics, trashy email, trashy mail, endless harassment phone calls from unidentified phone numbers, and all my friends feeling so sorry for him. It makes me wonder if my friends ever really bothered to get to know me – it appears not. I have been no contact since 2012 and I too feel this will never end. The one thought that keeps me going … He sure is showing me that I made the right decision to have him removed from my home and my life. He shows me over and over again.
What if the narcissist is a parent????
Hi Linda,
if you google my name plus “narcissistic parent” you will find my many resources which can help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I haven’t seen my child for 2 years as narcissist tricked me into letting him become the resident parent on the grounds of access to a better school and then cut contact. Ive been in family court for 2 years. It has been pure hell. My health has gone through the floor to the point I wrote a will last week as I don’t know realistically whether I will survive this torture.I do the narp programme to try and keep grounded and to clear the effects of anxiety but family courts are being revealed the world over to be powerfully prejudiced against women and children. I am fighting for the soul of my child though so cannot abandon her to a domestic abuser but it is a hell of a battle and judges, social workers, lawyers are deeply embedded in the Families Need Fathers culture which is gradually being revealed as being an abusers’ playground. I believe narcissism is a by product of being brought up to regard certain groups of people as ‘the other’. Some people regard everyone else as ‘the other’. Your best bet is to parallel parent and keep away from any government institutions including the police as much as possible as they are very abuser supporting.
Hi Vicki,
please know I am sending you and your daughter love and breakthrough for what you are going through.
Are you in the NARP Forum receiving support at this time http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This one hit home for me. I had the narcissist and another narc friend who was closer to him but made me believe she initially detested him treat me with these mentioned methods including all types of abuse with invalidation from both. Was a sick twisted cycle but I get it its trauma in our body they represent because they are literally no body just masses of toxic gas and universe missing people. If there is no universe within you who are you…..time to heal. I have all the symptoms and sometimes think that I am narcissistic because of no energy but it’s the aftermath of abuse at the highest level.
Oh Char I so relate, I too have all the symptoms and thought the same but understand the “no energy” because of the abuse.
Near the end of this toxic relationship, I was accused of projecting onto him. I said, No, you’re projecting onto me, because I am your mirror! He had NOTHING to say!!!
I finally had enough of the abuse when, for the millionth time, he again told me how to behave around him, in MY abode, I finally know what a blind rage feels like! I was completely and literally blind! All I could see
was the color khaki! I regained my sight when I left the
room! I felt exhausted for the next 10 months!
Dear all,
it is all true : all the stories are taken from the same book with many variations of the painful themes. For each person concerned it is hell on earth.
But this is also true: there is a way out and you do bounce back. Let Melanie’s resources guide us through this mire because there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is NOT a train!
I am starting to get my life back after working through my inner traumas with the help of this safety net and I cannot believe how doors are opening where I did not even know there were any.
Thank you Melanie, thank you MTE Team
Love, Malou XXX
Hi Malou,
it’s our pleasure!
Much love to you from myself and the team!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melania for so many good explanations of what I experienced in my 33 years of marriage! It really helps to read about the “Altruistic narcissist” as this is what was so confusing to me in my marriage. To everyone, including me, he seemed the dream husband, as he cooked and cleaned and helped, and took care of the children. But there was a high soul agenda I had to pay, with the puts downs and frequent narcissistic rages; plus him getting narcissistic supply by encouraging our children to rebel against me. I didn’t dare leave because I would have lost my children physically and emotionally- and I had no family here to offer support. Once my children left the nest, I left him at last. It was such a relief! I felt free to be me at last, and regain a sense of joy in my life, out of the spider’s web where I was his prey being sucked dry. I gradually de-programmed myself from the brainwashing of all my so-called faults, which he projected onto me. I paid money for different therapies, but they didn’t help. In fact, one therapist repeated the narcissistic trauma by abandoning me out of the blue while I was in deep therapy about him, creating horrific injury! I wish I had known of your programme at the time, or even years earlier! I would have definitively done it. However, 12 years have passed since I left him and 10 years since I realised I had to have no contact. That really helped to break the psychic bond and gave me a new inner freedom. I am in such a better place now, have a wonderful life in my dream cottage and a lovely, creative and fulfilling job. I have a great relationship with my children (after having family therapy with my daughter who was most affected) and have a close relationship with my dear grand-children. I also now have a deep, and daily relationship with Yeshua (Jesus), who has healed me through this time and upholds me, filling me daily with such love, joy and a deep peace. He is the great defeater of the Evil of narcissism! I have been very inspired by the free film series called “The Chosen” and further inner healing has happened. I also tell anyone who is experiencing a narcissist to look into your programme! May God continue to bless your work.
Hi Star,
please know how welcome you are.
I am so thrilled for you that you are doing so well, and sharing love and joy with your family.
Much love and continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I never understood his need to punish me. In my whole life, I have never been punished for anything that I’ve done and here I was suddenly with a man who would hold on to his anger and actually punish me for things that he perceived to not be up to his standard. It could be anything and everything. Made me feel like a child, though I never was treated like that as a child, felt like I was a prisoner. But his violence made me look at him like a child. That made things worse. Eventually I fleed. Now Narp is helping.
Dear Melanie, This video came at the right time. All that you mentioned in the video I have experienced with the Narcissist. Oh am I so being punished right now. I usually am most of the time. This time it is so much worse than just the usual rage, silent treatment and all forms of abandonment. He is now recording me getting heated angry and emotional with him about his terrible behaviour, and he is letting other people listen to the recording, they’re telling him that they’re appalled and disgusted at my behaviour toward him ! ?? He told me he would get his revenge, that he’d get me back. All for wanting to just simply talk about how hurt I feel. It just makes him so angry. He behaves as if I’ve wronged him somehow, for bringing up what he calls are ‘my issues’ that ‘I’ need to sort out. He tells me that I am a bully, that he doesn’t care and that he will not say what it is I want to hear, which is an apology, because apologising he feels he has to conform. This is the way he sees things. For someone to feel such rage and anger and hate towards me I usually end up feeling like I was in the wrong. He has kicked me in the head when I’m down, grieving and heartbroken, then punished and abandoned me for needing him. Mocked my tears and told “get over it”. I am being discarded and I feel like I’ve been thrown in the gutter like yesterday’s garbage just for being human. Then criticises me for not being a happy person. I feel like a shell stripped of my soul. Thanks for this video Melanie, I needed to hear this today.
Your story resonates with me, and I hope sharing this will be of some help. I, too, came to feel like it was my fault he was always so angry with me and began to believe it. Once I’d finally had enough & cut him off, I still actually thought he’d be relieved because I had been such a problem for him. That’s when the magic happened. He couldn’t accept that I was gone & didn’t want any contact. This is what your guy will do once you’re ready to leave, maybe weeks later or even years later, but he WILL come back trying to lure you. I had blocked this guy everywhere so he found way around it to reach me. He said he missed me, wanted to be friends, wanted me to meet the son he had with my friends girlfriend he’d gotten pregnant … like, what?! You think I want any of that?! His delusion was so ridiculously laughable that I decided to reply and said, “Why on earth would you want to be friends with someone you called a liar, bully, cheater, psycho, etc?! Why did you treat me like garbage if you want me around so badly?!”. His reply said it all: the truth is I am not the things he said I was, and he knew it the entire time. He just didn’t care what he said or did til he lost me. Too late. You know the way he portrays you isn’t accurate. If you were truly such a span, he wouldn’t have to poke you into reacting to record for people who don’t know any better. Please try to stay strong & remind yourself often that someone who loves or even just respects you doesn’t talk to or about you that way or treat your feelings like flaws. When you’re ready to start focusing on yourself & your life again, you’ll reconnect with people who do love & respect you which helps ground you back into the reality you knew before this person. And when, not if, they come back trying to tell you they’re sorry & didn’t mean what they said, you won’t even care because you’ll already have stopped second-guessing yourself about who you are. I’m rooting for you because I know you can do it if I could! Best of luck & SO MUCH LOVE to you!
Hi Wendy,
I am sorry that you are going through such terrible trauma.
I’m so pleased that my information has helped, and I would love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to help you detach and take your soul and lifeforce back.
I hope this can help and sending you love and strength
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear lovely recovery community,
These are horror stories of the first order and excruciatingly painful experiences that take applied and assisted effort to clear our of our system.
Melanie has the ONLY compete program to help heal from the inside out…
But not only do we truly heal and remove the pain, BUT WE TOTALLY THRIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE.
I want to shift your expectation to this place BEYOND being free from the poisson and pain of narcissistic abuse because you MUST FACE THE FACT THAT WE ABUSED OURSELVES.
NARP works because we discover that the power to feel that deep love etc that the Narc promised but never delivered, that ability IS WITHIN not FROM anyone .
NARP sets free to a point where I promise you, you will cry tears of gratitude for having gone through this pain. You will come out on the other side and find YOU. FIND US. FIND GLORIOUS UNIVERSAL BEAUTY AND POWER that is hard to describe..
NARP does more than set free from pain of abuse, NARP leads you to PERFECT LOVE that nobody can take away from you .
May grace keep you in this path of recovery and empowerment. I am a witness to the efficacy of NARP.
Do not stop until you are THRIVING.
Blessings to all and gratitude to Gid for Melanie.
So true @Iris!!! Xx
Thank you Mary and Melanie, I have been trying to be strong and act positive for my 9 year old son but really I’m an emotional mess. It’s really hard to focus on myself and healing when the narc is doing the silent treatment for weeks, plotting and planning as he does, just the worry of this.
It makes him angry if I try to speak to him about it all, but It also makes him passively angry if I don’t try and just ignore him too. I wish I didn’t care at all, it would be so much easier. I will come into the webinar. I have come to a few and have they helped so much. I’m done with twisting myself into a pretzel just to get nowhere.
Hi Wendy,
I don’t know whether you have ever considered it … I would recommend NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com or Thrive http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive
Either of these programs would help you SO much – more than you can imagine.
If you already are working with NARP, then please lean into the NARP member’s forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to help you detach, anchor into your power and truly break free into your True Life.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
He left me 4 days after my 25 year old son died