How on earth do you defend your character when you have been smeared by a narcissist?
When you try, this is what you usually experience …
Being labelled as the bad one.
People believing the narcissist.
The harder you try to defend yourself, the deeper you dig yourself into a hole, and the more traumatising it becomes.
This is what you need to know more than anything – there are other ways to defend yourself effectively.
And … these are all counter-intuitive.
As “unnatural” as these ways feel, please know, from the bottom of my heart, that these 9 ways to defend your character when being smeared by a narcissist WORK, and that’s what really matters!
So, Let’s get on to today’s 9 steps to defending your character when it’s smeared by a narcissist.
Number 1: Release From Inside Of You What Is Triggered
This is the biggie, and it’s the vital starting point.
Narcissistic abuse is not a logical thing – it is a deep spiritual battle for your Soul.
The narcissist has the uncanny and eerie ability to activate within you all of your deepest fears and insecurities. In other words, your inner unconscious, unhealed parts.
In regard to being smeared, one of the most traumatising human terrors is the fear of persecution.
I used to have it horrifically (just as I know so many of you do too).
This I discovered with smearing, when I turned inwards to tackle the inner horror I was experiencing as a result of being smeared, a huge shift occurred. It released the fears and anxieties (that literally felt like I could die) as well as the compulsions of trying to change everyone’s mind regarding what they were hearing about me.
I was able to heal these terrors completely. I did this with NARP processes.
The fear dissolved. Which then granted me the calm, peace and solidness to tackle these next steps.
Number 2: It Isn’t Important What Others Think Of You
One of the most beautiful passages of starting to heal the Thriver Way is that we gain personal emotional freedom. Meaning the embodiment of “no-one has power over me unless I believe they do.”
After turning inwards to release the triggered trauma of persecution and smearing, a wonderful shift in consciousness occurs. You realise that you KNOW that you are a good person. You know what you did or didn’t do. You know that you have integrity.
You also begin to realise that it isn’t important what others think about you, it’s important what you think about you.
The sting is gone. You can step back, let go and allow people to think what they want to think. You also anchor into a deeper wisdom that the truth is the truth.
In all of the years I have seen smearing happen in this community – which is incredibly common because all narcissists discredit and devalue at the end of their relationships – it’s the people who are solid in their belief in self who have the least fallout.
In these situations the smears don’t go far, nothing really happens and other people in their life generally follow their powerful inner belief in themselves. The narcissist usually has very little impact. The truth just is, and there is nothing left to prove or justify to anyone … unless of course it becomes necessary which leads us to number 3.
Number 3: Present The Truth Unemotionally And Factually
I would strongly suggest NOT fighting back with what you have been smeared with unless you have authorities after you, or court cases related to this.
The more inner work you have done to release your trauma, and the more you are anchored into a calm and powerful feeling of inner solid truth – the more powerfully you will present your case.
One of our lovely Thrivers, Teresa, had the narcissist report her to family services with all sorts of horrible accusations against her and her new partner. Teresa, was horrified. The allegations were disgraceful, damning and totally false and fraudulent. Child services had taken them very seriously and she and her partner were under heavy scrutiny.
Teresa, as a NARP member, took her triggered trauma (which felt like panic) to NARP Modules number 1 and 8 and did the work until there was no emotional charge left whatsoever. Then she intuitively and organically “knew” what to do. She gathered her supporting evidence, including previous saved threatening emails from her ex, supportive and credible character witnesses and was able to show up calm and solid in her body presenting her evidence factually, rationally and credibly.
She was believed. Her ex unravelled and was found out in the lies and got into serious trouble for the phony report.
Teresa completely realised that if she had tried to tackle what had happened within the consciousness of her panicked trauma that there was no way she would have been able to generate such a powerful result.
Number 4: Show Up With Your Head High
One of the 9 most powerful ways to defend your character when smeared by a narcissist, is to simply, purely and magnificently “be yourself”.
I want you to know from my Soul to yours that the greatest freedom of Thriving is being yourself regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing. When you are working on your Inner Being, and you are self-partnered, you know that this is the ultimate freedom and power that you will ever have.
This is the thing regarding narcissists – they feed off your fear. They need your fear. It grants them the energy to operate. It you are being smeared and it causes you to bite, react, or feel terrorised and traumatised, then the narcissist has won.
Not only does it validate them, because people will see your triggered reactions and believe that you are guilty, it also grants them the Grade A narcissistic supply of, “I am significant because I can affect you significantly.”
When you are just being you, and glowing your “self” it takes away all of the narcissist’s power. It also creates as a powerful shift where all of the smears dissolve away to nothing.
Truly … I have seen this happen more times than I could ever express to you.
When you reach this level, the attacks are gone.
Number 5: Shine The Powerful Light Of Exposure
If you experience subterfuge within an office or committee setting – such as when you are in a professional or commercial group of people and someone is smearing you behind your back, then I would completely recommend calling a group meeting – and getting all the facts and information openly on the table.
You can also use this when someone is treating you unfairly, in a bullying way or illegally. Expose it. Shine a huge light on it. Bring it fully out in into the light in front of all concerned, where there is nowhere left for someone to hide.
This is much easier to do professionally than in a social setting – where someone can wiggle out of the “meeting” and play games way out of bounds.
It’s much easier to control in a more structured setting.
What you will discover is that narcissists, like vampires, love to operate in the shadows. When exposed in the daylight with nowhere to hide they shriek and explode!
Years ago, I was dealing with a narcissist in a body corporation (condominium) situation. She was a horrible narcissistic neighbour threatening, smearing me and trying to get rid of me with the condominium association managers and other residents.
I exposed her behaviour by cc’d emails to everyone in the body corporation and also at a body corporation meeting. I expressed her insane demands, behaviour and bullying. Openly, fearlessly, unemotionally and factually.
Not long after that she sold her place and moved out.
She had to; the game was up.
Number 6: Have Boundaries
When you are being smeared you may be attacked by other people who have been influenced by the narcissist.
Honour and value yourself. You don’t have to explain and justify yourself, and you do not need to accept abuse.
If people treat you badly detach from them and block and delete if necessary. If you need to take out intervention orders against their harassment or behaviour, then do so.
Keep working on any emotions that are being triggered, and keep walking a powerful and straight line to respect yourself and live the life you were born to live regardless of what anyone else is doing.
This is true power. When you don’t supply these people with your negative energy, detach with powerful boundaries and don’t feed them, these people lose energy very quickly.
Number 7: Allow The Shift In People, Organisations And Groups
After being smeared by a narcissist, it can change the playing board of your life considerably.
I really believe in this philosophy – the people who are meant to be in your True Life will be True to you. The people who aren’t won’t.
This is what myself and so many people have discovered as a result of profound and dramatic smearing in our life – the people who weren’t meant to be in our life went. What wasn’t real and true didn’t stand, and left.
In reflection that person, group and organisation wasn’t meant to be in your life. Source and life experiences (that were meant to be) took it away. How did we discover this to be true – by continuing with our Thriver Healing journey and then experiencing the up-level of the much higher vibrational people, groups, organisations and opportunities from truly evolutionary human interaction that entered our life.
You have this to look forward to, so don’t hang on to what is being taken away from you!
I know this is not so easily applicable with family members and especially your children (I will address this soon).
Number 8: Forgive Those Who Return
Narcissists are very convincing.
This is why – they look people straight in the eyes and come out with huge outrageous lies that good people hear and can’t imagine that a grown adult could say such things unless they were true.
Narcissists KNOW how to lie and be trusted, they have been doing it for all of their lives. They also usually believe their own lies (as a result of their highly disordered and delusion thought processes) hence why they are so hard to detect.
So many of us Thrivers, after healing and no longer having any attachment to who does or doesn’t believe us, had the experience of many people, apologising and coming back into our lives.
If we are humble and honest with ourselves, we know that back in the day narcissists also convinced us about terrible things about people in their lives (usually with ex partners who were actually the victims and not the perpetrators).
Recognising this, I allowed people back into my life who apologised and totally realised the truth, all by themselves, with me not needing to do anything.
This included family members, as well as my son.
From my heart to yours please know how regularly this happens in our Thriver Community when people let go and heal themselves.
Number 9: Healing Alienations
The most heartbreaking consequence of smearing is alienation from loved ones.
Such as your children.
I almost experienced this with my own son, and I know many beautiful Thrivers who have suffered this devastation.
If this has been your horrific experience, I want to grant you hope. One of our most senior Thrivers Dot had been alienated from her children from her second narcissistic marriage. She hadn’t seen her children or grandchildren from that marriage for 32 years.
With the use of NARP, Dot faced and healed the absolute trauma of that loss. She kept shifting out the trauma and transforming it with Source until she reached a place of love and inner peace. One morning she woke up, and the longstanding pain was gone.
Shortly after that her son tracked her down and contacted her after all those decades of silence.
Today Dot spends time with all her family and her grandchildren and is gloriously reunited.
Do I think that this is a coincidence?
Not at all. I have seen it happen time and time again, how powerful it is to reconcile the inner work and then experience the match of that – reconciliation from the outer world.
It’s Quantum Law and has occurred for more Thrivers than I could even begin to share with you.
In Conclusion
I deeply wish that today has helped give you hope, faith and comfort that there is relief, power and rebuild from the soul-changing experience of narcissistic smearing.
I have known for a long time that our greatest gold is mined from the deepest of darkness. Smearing is one of those occasions and opportunities.
If what I have written deeply resonates with you, I would love you to check out NARP which is the path that I and so many others took to evolve and liberate ourselves.
And … as always, I look forward to answering your questions and comments below.
I have done just what you said. I chose and only felt comfortable in certain surroundings and people. I’ve spent a lot of time alone, but felt at ease there. When I feel someone is getting too close, I back away. I don’t know if I can completely trust people ever again. I’m very careful how I visit with people. That was my biggest problem, learning how to talk to people.
Hi Marlene,
Big hugs to you and that is totally understandable.
I’d love you to know that it is possible to heal and get confident and empowered and safe around people after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships.
Maybe you would like to come into my free masterclass where you can learn more about this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much for this. You are one of the best Inspirations to have gotten my story completely. What time is the workshop eastern time 12 or 3? It is so hard for me to join these as I’m working during this time period. I am in desperate need of EMDR and intervention stat as I am being silenced by continual torture. I’m afraid I won’t make it.
Almost every workshop has been available for replay at your convenience. Melanie says it is just as powerful in replay so do not hesitate to sign up.
Hi Howmanyweresilenced,
It’s my pleasure.
Please email my support team at [email protected] and one of my lovely team will help you out with alternatives.
I want to send out love, hope and solution to you.
Please know that there is a way up and out of this – absolutely.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Unless you have experienced deep long time (decades even) of abuse, as you said Melanie Tania Evans, the effect is unknown and not fathomable. Non victims cannot know the profound scope of what this breakage of an individual’s life is. Still attending NARP.
That’s very true William.
I feel so humbled to have gone through, and Thrived from, narcissistic abuse intimately.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you again so much Melanie.x
It’s my pleasure Lynette!
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is amazing, very loving advice. Finding your inner peace, realizing the lies are just lies, they are poison, and they have done damage and you have to heal and stop being the victim, to take back your power, self-esteem, self-love, and to live a peaceful existence. It’s liberating! I did this work, took back my life years ago (it wasn’t instantaneous, and even my amazing counselor didn’t give me some of the tips I needed, never said “narcissist” when we spoke of my parents’, especially my mother’s, manipulative and secretive ways of operating), and it did take awhile to slowly decide what boundaries would be comfortable, necessary, and most loving towards me and yes, even loving towards letting go of people who should love me but don’t know how. I have almost no contact with my parents now, unfortunately, as sad as that sounds. But, for people who know what it means to have a manipulative immediate family member who is a very cunning, highly evolved narcissist, you know how important that step is! I have felt so much lighter, yes sometimes a bit sad when I think on how other friends spend their holidays with their loved ones who aren’t unhealthy, but I know what’s best for me and I’m grateful to those along my path who helped me see that I had nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to be worried about with this being some horrible mistake. I left a small window of communication open, but as Melanie says, the moment you cut off the supply, the narcissist throws a temper fit, tries to manipulate so you’ll come back into the fold and get slammed again, and I wasn’t going to fall for it like I did in my mid 20s when I first tried to “get out” of my family’s toxic ties. So, the family all together cut me out, and truly, it wasn’t surprising but it at first felt pretty brutal. I’ve pretended not to notice, however, and I think that drives my mother crazy, too, as she’ll write out of the blue, maybe once per year, acting as though we’ve been in contact constantly…and I take my time, write something neutral back, giving her nothing to feed on but something loving as a message, just respectful and very neutral. I do want to encourage and caution people, however, that anything you do to initiate these great nine steps shouldn’t be done with some outcome in mind, where people are going to come back into your life, apologize, move away and leave you alone, etc. I think sometimes that may happen, but other times, it’s just going to be YOU, doing the right thing, setting up boundaries, loving yourself, letting the healthy relationships prosper, but it may not be that because you have to stand up and prove yourself in court, or because you speak your truth to ensure your character is not disparaged in the workplace, the truth you speak is going to be well-received or go your way in every instance. I had to do this with my family members, to speak some truths about what lies were being perpetuated, but it didn’t result in anyone waking up, the lies were still believed and continue to be today. And, I would do myself a huge disservice to be waiting for people in my circle of immediate family to “wake up” and for me to then forgive them for not seeing it sooner. If it happens, great, but that’s not a motivator for me to do what was the right thing, and it should not be for any of us, either. We have to set up these boundaries, love ourselves, and as Melanie says, not take on certain battles that really are not necessary to try and do damage control unless it’s something serious. I have created a new family, new parental figures (really, I realized I’d done that all my life), new sibling types of great friends, and it works. My siblings are sucked into the vortex, and while I would welcome them back over time, I’m not going to let people in later to create drama when they are perpetuating all this now to appease my mother and father’s wishes to shut me out. That’s cowardly, to say “Oh, great, fine, now that they are dead, please come around and let’s be buddies”…I forgive them, and I would forgive them later in life, too, if they want to apologize, but I think the days of being close to people who want to play the narcissistic games is over, for good. Just do what’s healthy and don’t expect the outcomes or rewards to all start to appear: In the end, the good that will come of your truths will show up in the light, but it might not always be so directly connected to the work you had to do to speak what was true to defend yourself in a bigger, more prominent situation to refute the ugly narcissist in your life.
Hi JOinDC,
this is so true that these actions are for our own freedom and sovereignty.
Period!
That is where True Life aligned with Soul Truth begins (and just IS!)
Mel 🙏💕💚
very insightful and helpful to me. thk u.
I would like to see more content about how to manage the effects of smearing when it comes to your ex smearing you to your own children. Otherwise known as Parental Alienation. This is incredibly painful, given that when it comes to anyone else, you are right, who cares what they think but when you see signs that your own children are being emotional manipulated with lies about you (their mother) or being coerced to think you are the villain etc and as a result display alienating behaviours to you that’s downright painful not only for you but most of all for your children.
Also I would like to request more content about coparenting. or should I say parallel parenting because as we know there is no “co” with any narcissist!!! I find this terribly challenging because he constantly breach the consent orders and uses the children to hurt me because he knows they are my Achilles heal. Detachment is all well and good, however when they are the father of your children and thanks to Family Law these days not necessarily recognising emotional abuse as they do physical abuse therefore granting a father who was never there for his children 50/50 share then communication between us is still necessary. I am challenged with the success of my healing as a result of 1) the constant trauma of still having to share my kids knowing they are being emotional abused when in his care and 2) having to keep up communication with him and see him at handovers etc. He knows he hurts me through the kids and still has the power over me as long as he still has them in his care. Please help!
Hi Claudine,
if you google my name plus “parental Alienation” I do have more in-depth resources on this topic.
Also, I do have many resources in regard to “parallel parenting”, again which you will find with a google search.
Also, within this community the most effective Parallel Parents and those healing the rifts of Alienation are those healing on my NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope that this helps you and I can’t recommend these resources enough.
Sending love and healing to you and your children
Mel 🙏💕💚
Claudine, this is what I’m going through also. It is HoRRIBLE and I need help too. Thanks for this comment.
hi,i was going through very rough and confusing time but suddenly i found you as my mentor my life guard my god..you gave me new birth.after reading your articles i took step one (no contact)i blocked him from everywhere…then i left the house with my whole family.. he started smearing my character everywhere in society in friends in relatives but i was prepared for that..i kept calm but yes i was stressed nd about to broke in that whole process…but at that time i got myself fully involved in my business in healing my innerself…cases are going on..but still m relaxed nd getting fine..getting better memory….better peace of mind..better health targets..better financial targets…m so thankful to you Mealnie…but really want to do something for the women suffering from this abuse in india too..here women don’t speak up..don’t take essential steps to live a better life….they used to spend their whole life with a narcissist partner but keep their mouth shut…felt sorry for all that people…may god give them all the strength that you gave me…love you..battle is not yet end but m fine nd smiling nd prepared myself to fight and face all the battles.
Hi Ritz,
I am so happy for you that you have been taking your power and life back.
Sending you and women in India many blessings and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow this is so apt to me right now. Before getting involved with the narcissist I had a toxic work situation that left me traumatized and now I realise that I was just reliving my own memories of fear and pain. I had a lot of unresolved trauma in my body that I forgot was there and survival had me believe otherwise. Can peptides not about the narcissist can they be about other experiences?
Hi Nikki,
Absolutely – they always in fact are.
Unmet, unhealed trauma that we already had on board, that the narcissist (this time) has reactivated so that we can heal it.
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to get that accomplished and go free?
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie!
Thank you so much for this today! The ex narcissist in my life has done a lot of smearing of me and throwing me under the bus the past few years since she discarded me. I haven’t addressed that issue at all! At this point I don’t think I’m ready to but I think that as I learn more about self-care and self esteem I will be able to actuate some of the things that you advise us to do!
I love it when you tell us stories about other people who are thriving now and what they did to get there and I also love hearing your own stories on surviving and thriving.
This blog is so full of good advice and I thank you for that! I will mark this blog down as one to return to again as I travel through this journey, searching for recovery from narcissistic abuse.
It is really amazing how these different challenges come to light, sometimes just when I need them, as I am going through this life journey!
Interestingly, tomorrow I am going to meet one of these challenges with an abusive store clerk at the hardware store who tried publicly to throw me under the bus the other day! I think I’m ready for it and reading this blog tonight helped to fortify my determination!
Thank you so much Melanie and I will let the people in the forum possibly know how everything went and what I actually did to meet this challenge and do everything right because I know I am going to!
Thank you for everything and thank you for your kind and good heart and thank you for helping so many of us! ❤️🦋❤️
Peter@44&LittlePeter ❤️👨👦
Hi Peter,
it’s my pleasure!
I’m so pleased that hearing about other people’s experiences inspires you.
It’s so great that you are stepping up for yourself.
As I say all the time Peter “what else is there to do?”
Sharing in the Forum is brilliant and so inspirational for others.
Much love and thank you for your lovely post.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
thank you so much for this, it came at exactly the right time for me and my kids – again! I felt I was sitting on a time bomb, but shifting and clearing with narp over the weekend allowed me to remove the detonator. I am still a bit wobbly when I imagine the other side finding out, but I am filled with a glorious feeling of standing on granite. Also I experienced first hand this weekend: the harder the breakdown, the more liberating and empowering the breakthrough!
Sending lots of thankful affection,
Malou and co XXX
Hi Malou,
It’s my pleasure.
I love that you are experiencing such breakthroughs with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you power and many more breakthroughs
Much love to you and your kids.
Mel 🙏💕💚
A great post—and great reminders. Cheers!
Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that it is our responsibility to do the inner work to heal. It is important that we only take responsibility for what is ours, not for what is the other person’s. We are not responsible for what happened to us…we are responsible for healing and moving forward. Blaming and shaming ourselves does not serve us. Thanks again for the post.
Hi Kari,
I’m really pleased you enjoyed this!
I love that you get it, sweetheart.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Nearly 3 years on, Dear Melanie & ineffably stronger….Your beautiful, profound truths continue & will infinitely continue to resonate with my soul. Simply to say…..Thank You! ❤❤
Awww bless Diane,
Please know how welcome you are.
Much love to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie
Thank you for posting this. I have to appear in court to defend myself from my ex narcissist so they don’t activate a protection order against me. I should have been the one to do this but all I wanted was for the nightmare to end so didn’t go through with it. This has now opened the door for me to tell the truth about what abuse happened during our relationship. I will now be lodging my own protection order and opening a criminal case against him for the abuse. I am scared and not sure how all this will transpire but I have been away from him for nearly 6 months so I am a lot stronger to deal with this.
Hi Carmen,
It’s my pleasure.
Bravo for you standing up and honouring you.
Sending you strength and love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie,
Your posts are always at the right time. xx
Hi ENPB,
great that this was timely for you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi melanie it’s amazing that your articles and videos are so timely matched with my situation and guided me in many ways. I am a NARP member….my ex husband was a narc who when i got my divorce from my elder daughter who was 5 at that time…as soon as I started the NARP program she started telling me that how her father and my ex used to molest her…it was sooo painful for me to let go i hung to it for a long time although i was doing healings and stuff but the circumstances in court wouldn’t change…and I would ask my self what am i doing wrong in my healing that i am still traumatised then i saw your very recent video on why you have to forgive the narcissist it soo resonated with me i took healing on it there and then and it lifted my trauma heavily and now finally am am not afraid of going to the court hearings anymore… I mean literally while i am writing this tomorrow is my court hearing and there is no fear and anxiety left in me…so fingers crossed let’s see what happens tomorrow in court…send me lots of strength and love thanks
Hi Maryam,
I love that these are timely for you!
This is so painful, what you and her are going through, and I love that you are understanding the high and much more powerful ground here.
I love that you are working with NARP and you feel this solidness inside.
So within, so without .. this is your MOST optimal position.
Sending love, breakthroughs and blessings to you and your daughter
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve been suffering from Family And Relationships with Ex Partners and Narcissistic Abuse, my whole life I’ve learnt the hard way but your post resonated I’m thankful for your efforts in showing how to tackle there traits humbly great fuel for this information. I’ve added and signed up to your link . I hope to hear from you once again thanks
I experienced the problem of parental alienation, my son who is now 24 has special needs, my ex husband manipulated him , my son was also afraid of his father, he would play up terribly upon coming home after the weekend with Dad, I understand how this works but eventually he got his own way and my son is with him, as my son has a brain injury he does not fully understand consequences etc, I have had counselling and dealt with my issues as best i could, in fact I left my ex in 1999, he never left me alone for years, constantly on my case until I learned to just ignore him and not reply to texts and letters all telling me what a terrible person I am, the only thing I am having trouble with is the loss of my son, its a grief that persists, I havent seen my son in 4 years, I think my ex thought he could call the shots once he had my son under his roof, my ex sent lots of nasty texts again once he got my son, I told my ex seeing my son does not need to involve him as well, as a result ex tells me he’s done, maybe Im daft but there is no way I am ever going to give in to my exs demands just to see my son as my life will never belong to me, i had to change my phone number to stop the texts as he would still text me at random, any solutions? my life isnt all bad I have a gentle supportive partner who does his best for me, its just my son that bothers me, there isnt a day that goes by when I dont think of him.
Don’t let the girls fool you. Narcissists notoriously oogle other women and if you say anything they act like victims of controlling jealous and abuse. It’s one thing to notice someone is good looking and another to oogle, cheat, smear and whatever else for supply.
I agree Hgegb,
If it feels uncomfortable and they can’t respect you saying this – then “goodbye!”.
Trust yourself and know healthy caring partners listen and care.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…your wisdom and kindness has given me peace that I never thought I could have. For that I am eternally grateful. You are a true light and a gift to all of us who suffer/ed/.
Hi Bia,
I am so pleased I can help.
Much love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’m sorry but if my children ignored me for 32 years, I wouldn’t want them back. Way too much water under the bridge. Sometimes your kids become people you would have nothing to do with if they weren’t your children. If they have it in them to do that to their own mother for no good reason like you’re a criminal of some sort or you drink or do drugs, they’re not people you want in your life. I told mine I would have liked a relationship with them based on mutual respect and kindness but I’m no one’s punchbag or scapegoat. I also told them what I think of their behaviour and that I am done trying as all it does is generate abuse from them. I am getting on with my life like they’re never coming back. It’s not so bad the freedom is lovely, like a second youth and it’s not bothering me. Sometimes being fair to yourself means getting away from horrible people even your family members. There’s nothing there to miss and if you know in your heart you did your best and then some, it gives you peace. I only wish i’d done it earlier.
Beautiful Mel —- ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Dear Mel,
Thank you so much for sharing all your knowledge and advice. It is so supportive and is helping so many people including me so much. I know that what you are saying in this article is right. I know I should and try to find the solution within myself. But I am struggling. With anger and hatred. Not for what he did to me, but to my daughter, and because I fear what the future will hold for her. The reason: A few months ago I found out that my ex-partner and father of my two young daughters has been sexually abusing my oldest daughter, who only just turned 4. It was only after we seperated that father started ‘grooming’ (as he himself calls it, and which he did admit to) the girls after bathing them (something we never did when we were together!) = putting baby oil on their skin. From what my daughter has disclosed to me, I am convinced that that evolved into him rubbing her intimate parts (which she liked and started asking for herself), and finally resulted into him putting his finger inside of her. Which hurt and made her cry when she went to the bathroom the next day and caused her to tell me what had happened. She was so sincere! Of course I know that 3-year-olds make up stuff. But this she did not make up. The problem is: father plainly denies it and everybody believes him. This good man, this esteemed psychiatrist (isn’t that a joke!?), this poor guy who gets wrongfully accused by his rancorous ex. That is how people respond and look at me! Unbelievable but true. I know this is the case because I failed terribly at numer 3, 4 and 5. I see and understand the dynamics, and know that I have to change myself in order for things to change. But the damage has been done, and I wonder: how do I learn to live with being 100% convinced that this man abused my daughter, asked her to keep ‘their special secret’ from me, instructed her to lie about what happened, and gets away with it, even making me look like the bad guy!? Before this happened, I was already on my way and really determinded to thrive again, being the one who cut it off and left because I could and would not take the abuse anymore. But now I feel so desperate again, and really don’t know how to handle the anger and fear I feel for my children. I look forward to your advice.
Hi Anna,
It’s my pleasure.
Oh Anna, this is painful and terrible – you are right kids don’t make up stuff like that – they really don’t.
Anna I can’t encourage you enough to work with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and join our incredible community where you will have support, learn how to work at this Quantumly, and address it at the Source level – which as far as I am concerned is the only way to fix, heal and get solutions with the unthinkable thing that narcissists do – it all starts by us getting the trauma out and Source light in – because where there was no way, support, truth and justice, all of that can enter and start to unfold.
In my expereince with helping people with narcissistic abuse, including the terrible things you are describing, there is no other way.
Sending love, support and breakthrough to you and your children.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’ve been away from my narcissistic ex husband for 14 months and I can attest that you will likely lose friends. It hurts but it’s not in your control what they think or do. I spoke with “close friend” who still seems to believe the best about my ex. I tried to explain, on a high level wht I left. Bottom line she, and others remain friends with my ex and have dropped me.
This is tough. I still cry occasionally but it’s getting better. I encourage anyone going through character assassination to put yourself out there and meet new people. It’s not easy but I can tell you it does get better.