Do you think a narcissist cares about other people?
In your experience with these toxic individuals have you ever seen proof that they care about what they are doing to you?
Wanting a narcissist to care, and be kind, and have compassion is an entirely unrealistic expectation.
I wasted so much time hoping the ex-narcs in my life would stop doing really senseless, malicious, and quite frankly insane acts against me so we could just get on with it and love each other.
It never happened; instead they just continued to extract attention, energy, and resources from me until I was drained in every way.
I was simply a means to an end for them.
These days that is not my reality at all! So, in today’s Thriver TV episode I take a deep dive into the question “Do Narcissists Know They Hurt People” so you can understand what is really going on and how to put an end to them hurting you ever again.
Video Transcript
I know you want to know whether a narcissist knows that they are doing really senseless, malicious, and quite frankly insane acts against you. And hang around, because in today’s video, we’re going to take a deep dive into this topic, so you can understand the answer to that all important question: does a narcissist know that they hurt people?
We’re going to get to the meat of this conversation in just a sec, but before we do, I’d like to shout out a big thank you for all of you who support this channel and for passing on my material, so that others can understand narcissistic abuse is not a life sentence and there is liberation, emancipation, and a future that is beyond glorious on the other side of this.
And that’s what my work is all about. So please remember to like and share this video, especially if it deeply resonates with you.
We’re going to get started with unpacking this.
We Want Narcissists To Know And To Care
All right. And I just want to start with this topic, because it’s going to lay the foundation and I really believe this is going to make sense to you.
We want narcissists to know what they’re doing, but even more than that, we want them to care. So I want to begin by asking this question: does a narcissist care about other people?
And I really want you to think about this, because after you answer this question, you can understand how the question: does a narcissist know what they’re doing, kind of pales into insignificance when we look at: does this person care about what they’re doing?
Let me explain. The basis of all of our human interactions is really about connection and love. We want people to care about us, and I know you want the narcissist to care and you want them to care and you want them to know what they’re doing, so that they can wake the hell up and stop hurting people and actually care about them.
I really want you to feel into this. Is there a huge part of you that wants the narcissist to wake up and care about you, and love you, and stop hurting you because they care?
I want you to pause this video. I want you to ponder that and I want you to write about what arises for you in the comments.
Is it really the caring that you want? Because you want them to know what they’re doing so that they can start caring. And let’s see what people write about this, because I believe that this is a really interesting part about what we all feel about this topic and what we’re going to talk about today.
I’ve said it before a thousand times and I’m going to say it again, wanting a narcissist to care, and be kind, and have compassion is like expecting a crocodile to roll over so that you can scratch its belly and so that it’s going to wag its tail and love you.
If a narcissist doesn’t care about others, it’s because they literally don’t have the capacity for empathy, kind of like the reptilian brain of a crocodile doesn’t have that capacity either. And there’s a reason for this.
The reason is because a narcissist has to go after narcissistic supply. And what this means is getting the attention, the energy, and the stuff from other people to be able to feed the dead and empty in a defunct self in order to feel alive, significant, and functional
To a narcissist, it’s all about them. They only care about feeding the false self. And what is the false self? The false self is the fake construct that they’ve put in charge of their identity and in charge of their life.
Let’s now move on to whether or not a narcissist knows what they’re doing.
Does A Narcissist Know That They Are Hurting People?
The answer is, yes, they know, but this is the clincher, they don’t care. The reason they don’t care is because it’s a means to an end. People are objects from which to extract attention, energy, and resources from in order to stop them emotionally imploding and being annihilated by the big black hole inside that is their dead and dysfunctional screaming Inner Being.
You may want a narcissist to care, but they don’t.
Lying, manipulating, scheming, controlling, and abusing are all methods by which a narcissist attempts to regulate narcissistic supply, which is the flow of resources needed for them to keep feeding their fictional false self in order to maintain a charade of believing that they’re superior and significant.
The narcissist’s false self, the ego is attached to a system of separation and lack. The narcissist deeply believes that there’s not enough for everybody. So unless I win and you lose, I’m not going to get my share of this stuff.
To a narcissist who is disconnected from source, others, and oneness, there is no concept of win-win. It’s them against the world, which includes you.
The narcissist therefore does not have the capacity to care about you or care about that they are doing is wrong. To them, it’s right. It’s a means to an end.
And if you try to hold a narcissist accountable and get them to care and understand what they are doing, then you will see the three-ring circus. The unraveling of the personality, which is all of the deflections of defense mechanisms that literally make your head spin and feel like you’re trying to deal with an angry five-year-old who is acting delusional in an adult’s body.
And you will see that the narcissist will do anything to try to maintain the version of themselves in life that they’re firmly invested in, which is, “I am superior. I’m above reproach. How dare you question the false self’s actions? You are wrong. I am right. And I don’t give two hoots about you. This is all about me and what I’ve decided is mine.”
Now let’s take this conversation even deeper.
Does A Narcissist Know Why They Hurt Others?
Everybody behaves in a certain way as per their belief systems. What are belief systems made up of? The emotional experiences and programs that you’ve inherited from your ancestors that was impregnated into you by your environment, your childhood, further relationships, and so on and so forth.
A narcissist believes that their True Self is not functional and cannot have its needs met.
Therefore, they assigned a False Self to be in charge. How a narcissist really feels about themselves at a True Self level is as per the defunct self-divorced and discarded inner True Self being.
A narcissist really feels like an empty vessel of defectiveness and unlovableness, and that they can never belong on their own merits in life. It’s kind of like a fish in a fishbowl looking at life and feeling like it can’t be a part of it.
The narcissist is deeply wounded, insecure, and forever battling feelings of insignificance. This self-disgust is projected onto others who are then attacked, abused, and mined in order for the narcissist to pathologically and psychologically try to annihilate the part of themselves that they hate.
This is why a narcissist treats others horrifically. Does the narcissist realize this? No. Why do they not realize why they’re doing this? Because they are not prepared to meet their Inner Being and deeply do the deep inner recovery work of releasing and reprogramming the trauma in order to bring the True Self back to life and wrestle themselves from out from under the grip at the self-annihilating ego.
They are not prepared to bring themselves back to sanity. A narcissist is deeply unconscious and trapped in the cycle of attaching to people and things, sucking them dry, destroying them, then having to move on and keep doing it all over again.
Just as a black hole in space keeps gobbling up everything in its path, but is still going to remain as a black hole.
Conclusion
I really hope that this is answering your question and giving you a lot to ponder on this topic. And I hope that it will deeply bring you to the understanding that it’s actually not important whether other people do or don’t care about hurting you or even if they do or don’t know what they’re doing.
What is important is that you care about you and you stop hurting you by being attached to these people. And that you do the inner work to bring yourself back to sanity by releasing yourself from those deep emotional patterns of staying attached to people who hurt you whilst trying to stop them hurting you.
You are the only person who has the power to stop them hurting you by you detaching, moving away, and healing you. And that’s how you take your power back and you escape from situations and people who do not care what they’re doing to you, and you take your Soul, your sanity, and your life back.
It’s my greatest mission to show you how to do this in direct, powerful, and much faster ways than contemporary methods. As such, I would love to invite you to my free 3 Keys to Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse webinar, which you can access in the show notes or click the link that appears above.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions, and I’m really interested to hear your thoughts about this topic. Please also remember to hit the subscribe button if you’re enjoying my videos and like and share this video with people who you know it can help.
so then the narast father of a 3 year old once divorced from the mother will treat the child the same narc way?
when he visits the child will he try to get supply from the child? How do you protect the child from this abuse?
Hi Mary,
the other non-narcissistic parent can lead the way with their own healing and empowerment.
If you google my name plus “our children” this will explain to you in more detail.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melania thank you so much.
I have a question about the gaslighting personality. I had a relationship with someone that was doing gaslighting with me. This behavior makes part of the narcissist personality. ? I found that experience very disturbing…. Can you tell e more about it?
Hi Leonore,
you are very welcome.
Yes, gaslighting is absolutely narcissistic.
If you google my name plus “am I with a narcissist?” this will explain more to you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel,
Awesome explanation of this question . As always, you articulate things so well !💕💕
Thank you Jane sweetheart!
Big love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
One definition of a psychopath is someone who goes around and knowingly hurts other people, and doesn’t care.
Absolutely Susan!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for sharing…After a 24yr relationship it was hard to recognize, detach and start to heal and let go. And accept that they don’t care and choose to hurt. But the question now… what if I don’t care ? Am I like them? What if it hurts me not to care because they’re the father of my 3 kids, should I care?
Hi Missbee,
it’s my pleasure.
True healing means having no emotional connection whatsoever.
When the N becomes “no longer my reality” then you are free.
That’s so much healthier for you and your children, because you are no longer emotionally derailed, and can live a much healthier life.
I hope this explains.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie so much for the straight talk and coaching. You have been instrumental in my being on the road to recovery. I did recently try to let the Narc know he was hurting me. LOL. Pointless of course.
Hi Jennifer,
You are very welcome and I really hope this has helped empower you.
Yes, that is pointless!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I just wanted him to acknowledge what he was doing.. and also mainly wanted to know why he did it, because if he didn’t know before, he knows now. I was almost obsessed with getting an answer. I BEGGED him for an answer. I made the mistake of telling that by him doing so, I’d FINALLY get a sense of closure. After asking him the same question over and over, wording it differently, because he would repeatedly say “What are you asking me again?” and “Why do want to know; Why are you asking me this?” I realized that he was NOT going to give me an answer.. I figured either he doesn’t know why, or he deliberately wasn’t going to give me an answer. I came to the conclusion that he was not going to grant me closure, as it was the only thing left that gave him power over me. So yes, in addition to the question of whether they know what they’re doing or not, because if they initially didn’t know, they likely know now..the question can be extended to, now that they know what they’re doing, do they care at all about the extreme emotional pain they’re inflicting?
Hi Nadia,
a narcissist’s relationship with you was never about what YOU want.
It was about what THEY want – significance and power over you.
Period.
Significance and power over you include significantly hurting you.
My highest suggestion for you is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It’s where there is true closure, and getting your soul, sanity and life back in the fastest most complete way you could imagine, after feeling this much pain.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Curious as to what creates a narcissist. We’re all traumatized by things. What makes one guy become a narcissist and another guy not?
Hi Richard,
if you google my name and “what causes narcissism” I have in-depth detail about this topic there.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
I think that its very difficult for most people to believe that a Narcissistic mother or daughter or husband is not concerned with how their behavior affects family members. However, their actions repeatedly leave no doubt that they feel justified with their bizarre and cruel actions and your feelings are not even important enough to consider. Do they know that they hurt people? In their world of one, that wouldn’t be of any interest or would be justified.
Hi Shelia,
it doesn’t matter whether the person is a lover, family member or friend.
It is all about the narcissist.
They don’t have the capacity to care .. unless there is a self-serving agenda connected with it.
Mel 🙏💕💚
You hit the target there when you asked if we want them to just wake up and be normal and love me back. I was discarded in June 2019 and I am still reeling with C-PTSD and addiction. I started my own site with articles (I am a writer) and podcasts and vlogs just to tell the world what this is. But regardless of what I know (master’s in guidance & counseling), I cannot make my heart and emotional thinking accept what my brain logically knows. You are my mentor and role model and someday, I’d like to help as many people as you do. I’d love to work for you. (Did I mention that I am a great writer?) I am determined to heal. Soon I hope.
Hi Prajinta,
it’s great that you are a beautiful writer, and as cathartic as that is, it isn’t the same as deep inner Quantum soul healing.
This is the work that I specialise in.
My highest recommendation for you is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
That’s how myself and thousands of others worldwide have been able to truly heal from this.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie
Thank you for reminding me that it doesn’t matter whether the narcissist cares or not. I have detached myself from him emotionally long time ago. It doesn’t bother me if he cares or not whether he is hurting me. What is important her is what I think and care about. In order for me to heal. I take care of working on my inner wounds. I am healing those. There is now very little the narcissist does that bothers me. The lying, scheming, tricks, delaying tactics etc. are minimal in my life
Take care and all the best
Love, Lee
Hi Lee,
it is totally my pleasure!
That’s wonderful that you are healing you and breaking SO free!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am still experiencing the trauma and struggling with it. 25 years of a relationship with no apology or closure is hard to deal with. I want. It’s simple he has just moved on. He does not care. He cannot ever speak to me or look upon me because that would let feelings in he cannot face. Let it go is the expression that springs to mind but a little voice in me wants him to experience consequences. I have dragged myself to a standing position in life. I am a good mum but I still need something. I struggle with not being married he controlled so much that I don’t feel joy in my own achievements. The kids do what he says because it’s easier not to go against him and I get it completely as he would make them feel it was them who had the problems. It’s easier to comply but I get the fallout. His ego has no bounds at present.
Hi Helen,
my heart goes out to you.
I want you to know, with all of my heart, that it is possible to heal and get your soul and life back – no matter how painful this has been.
I’d love you to come into my free masterclass to receive hope, power and healing
https://www.youcanthriveprogram.com/masterclass
I really hope that this can help.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
I cannot tell you how much this explanation and video helped me, I spent 36 yrs with my soon to be ex husband who is a narc. I truly never understood him and spent that entire time trying, when he started doing the same to the Children it was the end for me, he started putting his behaviours over on them and as they started to stand up to him or try at least he became relentless. He saw each of them as he saw me his next victim as each one came of age. Today he is out of the family home but he tries to control from outside but we have our eyes open to him now. I will continue to work on myself and try and rebuild our lives with the tools you have given us, thank you so much for that.
Eileen
Hi Eileen,
I’m really pleased that this has helped you.
That’s beautiful that you are healing and leading the way for your children.
Sending all of you much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie I’ve been watching your videos for months and everything you say about narcissists is spot on. The one thing I still struggle with is how to care less about, and how to separate from my narcissist parents who are both elderly. My father still lives his life through me-I have a fear of success as a result of what it would mean to my father-that I’m moving away (psychologically) from him. I live in a different country to them yet the emotional separation has not taken place. My mother is depressed and I feel like I stop myself from being happy because she seems happy only when I’m not, or when she puts me down. My happiness threatens her somehow. I’m in my 50’s and can’t believe that my parents still control how I think and feel. I’m also an only child which heightens that sense that I am responsible for their happiness. I know that my father has disapproved of my move overseas (even 25 years later). “No contact” is not a viable option for me but I would like to feel less responsible for their happiness and less concerned about what they think.
Hi Melanie,
I’d love to help you with this.
My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is the most effective path to taking your soul and life back – from any narcissist in your life, including your parents – and will help so much with your Modified Contact boundaries.
I can’t recommend NARP enough for you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I so hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Very good explanation. I have known a Narc for over 40 years. When he was younger his self centered, hurtful behavior got attributed to immaturity. As he aged this was not the case. It continued. I never knew when another bomb would drop. None of it made sense. One thing I did figure out was that it is all about them. Unless a situation somehow was not advantageous to him it was just unimportant.
I just wish I had known about Narcs when I was in my early 20’s.
Melanie, I am a member of the NARP program. I live in Texas. During the recent time period where we had frozen pipes and no water and were stuck inside for days, I was lucky to still have power. Many people did not.
So I went on a healing binge, spending hours every day watching/reading your videos and articles and reworking the related NARP modules. Wrapped up physically in a cozy blanket, I wrapped my Inner Being in the love and comfort of your knowledge and healing modules.
So, I am just saying one big thanks for what you do. I know that you speak from experience and that, by itself, is healing for me as I know my experience is not unique and I am not alone. This article left me thinking “Wow” as always. I cried a bit in recognition, but now I’m off to do some more module work on seeing the narcissist as my childhood parent. Here’s to more healing time!
Hi Kat,
you poor sweetheart, I know you beautiful peeps in Texas have just been through so much.
I’m so pleased you turned this challenging time into such a wonderful healing opportunity.
So much love to you Dear Thriver sister, and your Texan community.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Make that a Texas thanks. Everybody knows everything is bigger in Texas.
Love that Kat!
I agree!
Adore you Texans!
Mel 🙏💕💚
When I’m around someone who is being narcissistic my phone starts playing the narp modules by itself out loud, it only does it around certain people and as I got to know them I see that my phone was right.. 😊
Wow that’s crazy Holly Anne!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes they know…no, they don’t care.
Hello Melanie,
Thank you this is very helpful. It is exactly that: I have been craving for care. Could not believe someone who pretends to love me did not show basic signs of care. From small everyday details to most important aspects of life. That person (who I believe was a narcissist) had eating disorders. She was anorexic. I wonder, do you relate narcissism to anorexia in any way?
My Soul, Life! Engaging my Heart, Love!
My partner had an ex girlfriend stay overnight, he doesn’t see that this is wrong. Not only the betrayal but against lockdown rules and putting me at covid risk. When I found out he exploded with the rage, his use of language was terrifying. He screamed at me so much over the phone that he became hoarse, the obscenities were horrific including “I hope you die”. He was in complete denial that it was not acceptable behaviour and that” I was the insane mentalist, that I had blown any chance of our relationship.”
Is this narcisstic behaviour? I am struggling with the fact that he can hurt me like this and think its ok? That he doesn’t care that he has caused me this pain?
I want answers and want to talk to him. The pain is unbearable, I have watched many of your videos and he ticks all the boxes as a narcissist but how do you know for sure? I blame myself for not giving him the attention he craves, he has blocked me from all social messaging. I have had the silent treatment before, arguements from nowhere that sends my head into a tail spin, the nasty comments. I love this man but its like been on a roller coast with Jekyll and Hyde.
Hi Sue,
I can’t recommend enough coming into my upcoming Masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass where I can deeply take you through much understand as well as healing about all of this.
So that you can take your power, soul and life back. So that the pain and confusion can end.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie. This video really resonated with me. I’ve been over 2 years No Contact, but there are times that I secretly wish that my Narc would call…or that I would run into him and that he would apologize, telling me how much he misses me and regrets all the crap he put me through…..that being said, I think that in my head but I’ve played this out….I don’t want to hear his apology nor do I want to jump back on the Crazy Train. So why do I need this validation to be cared about by this creature. I certainly don’t want him back. I have no more trauma bond yet I want and desire something that doesn’t exist!!!! My healing continues on…..can you tell me why this is happening? Or what module I can focus on in NARP? Thank you 😊
Is it ok to swear at and put down a narc who’s driving drunk 🥴 and being reckless and in denial
Misery wants company.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for this blog. As usual, it is enlightening and so good to read your words. As far as the ex narc in my life caring, that train left the station along time ago!
What I have left for myself, now, is the knowledge that I need to work on my inner life and develop a deeper and more joyful relationship with my inner being and that is my priority at this point. With the help of NARP I Have hope.🙏🙏🙏🙏
I can waste my time, and think, till I am blue in the face, about her changing or hoping that she would someday realize how much damage and destruction she has done to me, but it is worthless, as you would say, “stinking thinking”.
SHE DOES NOT CARE!!!!! Hurt for her is a “one way street” with the direction sign pointing right to her…. it was always about her and how much life has hurt her without realizing or caring much hurting she has inflicted upon others!
Thank you so much, for the suggestions, in this blog, that we can use to overcome our daily struggles with a narcissist.
I am so grateful to be here and to have this opportunity to learn from you and so many others in NARP.
Much love to you and everyone else! ❤️
Peter@44&LittlePeter ❤️🦋❤️
Dear Melanie,
After reading many of your articles, I think I realised that my mother is actually a narcissist and that is the reason why I chose my (now) ex-husband years ago… As all the others were saying a million times, the same exact things have happened to me as to everyone else but I was lucky enough to gain enough consciousness to go to an alternative therapist and she helped me out of this horrible marriage. So, no contact – although I figured out for myself that after lying just about ANYTHING you can imagine, (or I would say NO SANE person would lie about things that he did) I don’t talk to him, don’t ever meet him, so that part is fine. He has a new person to suck the life out of so now I’m safe, I’m sure he couldn’t care less about me. So, that’s a win after all!
Finally, my question is about my mother. I can’t do no contact, or can I? I love my father, so I wouldn’t dream of never visiting him again, but my mother creeps the hell out of me… She is so hateful all the time, gaslighting, scapegoating, all that jazz, nowadays I just laugh about it, but sometimes she gets to me and then….. Oh, my gosh!!!! Especially now that I have all this information from YOU and see the dynamics of it… So, I am constantly working on myself, becoming more and more conscious but I was wondering, do you have any practical advice for me?
Thank you for all the great work you have been doing, you are such a wonderul soul helping so many people!!!
Grateful if you can share some of your ideas!
Lots of love,
Edit
Hi Edit,
what I would love to suggest to you is to google my name plus “narcissistic mother” “elderly narcissists” and “family narcissists” and I know that there are lots in those resources which can help.
I hope they do!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This article was exactly how I was thinking about my N today as I walked and did a module. I released him as “dead to me” and saw him as Swiss cheese slowly gaining more and more holes as I continue to detach from him, mentally and physically. Moved into the spare room, can still be dinner companion and some conversations, but today I stopped believing anything out of his mouth. He wants and needs everything I have and I have nothing left to give him. I’m my priority now, I’m my focus now, and my life no longer has room for ugliness or hatefulness. Only love…he doesn’t vibrate at that level, so his Swiss cheese self is quickly dissolving before my eyes. Soon I’ll be moving out and then he will be mentally and emotionally fully out of my peripheral…dead to me…but no thoughts or emotions dead, not physically. I am no longer his source, I have closed that door and I already feel the life coming back into my body…I love me and support me, and I put me first now. I finally believe that to be my truth, after 6 years of hell.
The narc would laugh and smile at their antics. They enjoyed the insults, snide remarks, discrediting comments, both said publicly and privately. If I dared to defend myself, I would be punished till I apologized, which sadly I did for peace. I realized that some of the parts of my life the narc particularly went after were areas I was proud of and believed – my faith, my marriage, my friends and home. And it took Melanie’s videos and blogs to help me realize that it was all done out of sheer jealously. The narc had their own supposedly good life but they were never happy with what they had. And in their mind I shouldn’t have anything equal to or better. And if they perceived it to be so, it opened up an opportunity for emotional abuse to be hurled. No contact has been difficult but the relief in knowing I will NEVER be subjected to it again has been liberating!!!
My father abused my mother for many years. He was very jealous, and he wanted to control her. He got very angry and furious quickly. My mother cried all the time. He could leave the house in the middle of the night when he got angry and sometimes when he was driving the car he could scare my mother and drive like a maniac.
BUT, he had a lot of empathy. He felt bad after abusing my mother. He could feel strong empathy for the homeless, the disabled etc. He even helped the homeless by sending them clothes and money. My question is, is there narcs that can feel empathy? Does it sounds like my father is a narcissist? He does not pretend having empathy feelings, they are genuin.