The path to recovery from narcissistic abuse holds many surprises.
You may find, like I did, that forgiveness while unfathomable and inconceivable at first actually becomes attainable.
Virtually 99% of you will get to that level because you have to, because it is way too painful to try to survive your wounds when you’re committed to getting free and Thriving in your life.
I promise you that I know how stuck and painful hanging on to a perpetrator’s energy is because I spent years like that.
But, I figured out how to get past this, and to my surprise, it saved my life, and it will save yours as well as your Soul and everything that you want your life to be.
In this powerful Thriver TV episode I steer you through the many aspects of forgiveness and reveal the Karmic effects that will come into play when you let go.
Video Transcript
Darling, Thrivers. I know this episode could be hugely triggering to begin with for you. And that’s why I’m asking you to hear me out.
So let me preface this by saying that this Thriver TV episode is not about letting abusers off the hook, or granting them a free pass as a result of what they’ve done. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. And when you hear me out, you’re going to know exactly what I mean by this.
All right, so before I get started and you take a few deep breaths, I just want to give a big shout out to all of those of you who support the Thriver mission by being a subscriber and sharing my videos with people so that they understand that it’s possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse, and that you don’t have to be stuck in the suffering of what happened to you at all.
And in fact, there’s an incredible life awaiting you after this, myself and many others are living proof.
What Is Forgiveness?
Let’s get onto this really important topic. And I want to start off by talking about, what is forgiveness?
Traditionally, we made believe that forgiveness is about turning the other cheek and saying, “I forgive you for what you did to me.” I actually don’t see that is true forgiveness at all.
This is what I see forgiveness as. I see it as letting go, loving yourself enough to say, “What you did to me is not what I’m going to hang onto inside my Inner Being so that it eats me alive. I no longer want to be drinking that poison of your behaviour that is killing me or is hoping that you drop dead. I’d much rather get rid of that poison from within me and have no thoughts about you whatsoever, including the ongoing thoughts of how I should be forgiving you.”
Rather, “I want you to just not matter, not be my reality. I really want to have a life where I don’t even feel your energy. I don’t care about you and I couldn’t care less whether you fall off the face of the earth or win a billion dollars because you are what you are, and it bears no part of my universe ever again, whatsoever.” That to me is forgiveness.
Now, what I want you to do is I want you to feel into what I just said. Do you want that to be what forgiveness is for you as well? And maybe you might want to go back and replay that part of the video again and really listen to it and really feel it.
If that’s what you want, if you want to get to that stage of your life, like myself and so many others, then I want you to pause this video and write about how that feels for you.
Is that a version of forgiveness that you can accept, and embrace, and work towards? Let me and other members of this wonderful community know in your notes with this video.
I just want to say after listening to so many of you over the last 10 plus years, I know that’s what you want. I know that when you’re ready because you know you have to, to save your Soul and your life, you’re ready to move on, that’s the place you want to get to.
And those of you who know that you can do that and who have done that, you know you get to that place. That is what is going to save your soul, your sanity, and your life.
Virtually 99% of you will get to that level because you have to because it is way too painful to try to survive your wounds when you’re committed to getting free and Thriving in your life.
So I hope that now you’re getting clear about what the goal of true forgiveness is because what it is – it’s a complete letting go, it’s a detoxing, and it’s eliminating every vestige of this person, energetically, from your Inner Being and also your outer life as well.
Without Forgiveness, Karma Is Hurting You
I want to give you a really good incentive, another incentive towards true forgiveness.
So let’s have a look at this topic, which is, if you don’t forgive, in other words, let go, Karma hurts you, and this is horrific.
When you can like go, there’s an energetic phenomena that occurs, which means that you’ve purged, you’ve released – you’ve let go of all of the trauma connected to this and what happens is all the bad Karma that trauma attracts has actually returned to sender, it goes back to the person who was the perpetrator.
Now, I’m going to explain this further along in this video so keep watching because you’re going to love that bit when we get to it. But I’m going to explain to you what happens energetically, when you don’t let go.
What happens is all of the bad things that this person did to you, which are within your Inner Being, and then … what’s going to happen is more of the same is going to come into your experience. So, here comes the explanation of what happens with that before you do let go.
When somebody has done something awful to you, and you’re holding onto the trauma of their negative energy, which is what they projected, and they offloaded onto you, and it’s now stuck within you, Quantum Law keeps more of a going because Quantum Law is absolute, it means so within, so without.
It means that in regard to any topic in your life, whatever your emotional composition is about that topic, is where you’re emotionally vibrating, and wherever you are emotionally vibrating on any particular topic – which is to do whether you have source flowing through you as you as a true self, or you’re carrying trauma on it – this is exactly what life will continue to deliver to you.
You may think that’s really unfair, but I don’t write the energetic laws of Quantum Law, okay, it just is what it is.
Let me give you a very specific example. If you’ve been traumatized and you’re a victim of somebody else’s behaviour, and you hang on to that trauma and the victimization, what is going to continue to come into your life is all the energies, behaviours, situations, and people that are going to bring you more victimization.
And not only this, you’re going to be showing up in a way in life that is colluding unconsciously with the victimization. You have an inner victimize lens. You have inner victimized resonance and expectation.
You can be easily triggered into feeling the victim, and reacting like a victim, and responding as a victim, which then throws more fuel on the fire of victimization.
Hanging on to what someone did to you sets you up for this. And also, if somebody comes into your life and tries to get you out of the victimization, because they’re not a match for victimization, you’re going to push them away, and you won’t trust them, you’ll push them away with your toxic energy.
How do you really get out of victimization? How do you get out?
I’m going to talk about that in a moment, but before I do, please know this, I promise you that I know how stuck and painful victimization is, and hanging to a perpetrator’s energy because I spent years like that.
We want others to rescue us from it, break through it, and sort it out for us. We try to get people to stop victimizing us, but it doesn’t work. Victims also take hostages.
We have so much trauma that we are highly toxic, and we’re hurting other people around us with our toxicity without realizing it.
It’s an awful energy to be around. Is it any wonder that people are pushed away rather than coming towards? And I know you may believe that’s unfair, but I’m here to tell you what you want means that you have to wake up and heal and take your life back in a way that works.
Being victimized is not going to help you, it is Wrong Town.
When we’re prepared to give that up, it means turning inwards and doing the inner work to let go of the toxic trauma, which is causing us to be victimized. Now, when I did that, it’s saved my life, and it will save yours as well as your Soul and everything that you want your life to be.
How Do You Truly Forgive?
How do you truly forgive? You’re going to be really pleased to know it’s actually so simple.
How you do it is you just do the inner work to load up, release, and reprogram all the stuff that’s hurt you – all the stuff that you feel like you can never forgive.
And then what happens is you no longer care what that person did to you. Why? Because the trauma is gone, you’re free of it.
Then you find out this, organically, that the true level of forgiveness just arises, it just comes, and what it actually is – the true level of forgiveness – there’s nothing left inside of me hurting to forgive, it’s just gone.
More than this, gratitude arises, again, organically, for the journey that you have taken on between you and you and Source that has taken you to a level that replaces the previous pain.
Because when you’ve released all of the trauma of this person, when you’ve detoxed from it, and you’ve reached a True Self, and you’re growing towards that, then you have raised, you have elevated, and your level of boundaries, your confidence, your expression, your expansion, and your capacity as a self-actualized human being is way beyond where you were previously operating.
You’ve claimed your divinity, your graduation into a more ascended version of yourself. You’re no longer operating as somebody who was susceptible to abuse, and participating in it, and stuck in the cycles of it.
And you realize this, and this is just wisdom that arises with Quantum inner work, you realize that the narcissist was actually a symptom of something deeper, which was unhealed, unmet traumas that you acquired genetically, and from your past, and your childhood, and your parents’ genetic material, and the narcissist triggered these traumas so that you could turn inwards and liberate yourself.
After doing that, then not only does that false self have no power, or control, or dominion over your Soul, but neither do other false selves vibrating at that level.
This applies under every circumstance. Even if you are parallel parenting with a narcissist, you have raised consciousness for you and your children, truly. I say this with absolute conviction because I experienced this in my own life, as well as countless other people who turned inwards and did true inner work on this.
I want you to get excited because this is about the sovereignty of your own Soul. This is the freedom, that it’s the ability to be truly yourself in a world free from abuse.
Let’s get to the next part. We’ve looked at organic forgiveness, which is simply about meeting your traumas, letting them go, and bringing in source. And then there’s actually nothing to forgive. And you don’t have to battle with, “I’m trying to forgive this person.” It’s just done.
The Karma Goes Back To Sender
Now, the next part is what happens to the narcissist, or perpetrators, or unconscious selfish or abusive people as a result of you doing this in regard to Karma?
The Karma goes back to sender. And again, this is an organic process. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people do the deep inner work, purging themselves of the trauma and everything that happened from the hands of a narcissist, and they get really clean, clear, and peaceful and resolved inside, and it’s then that bad things start happening to the narcissist.
You need to understand energetic law and the Quantum truth of things. Everything in the seen world is coming from the unseen world. We’re all in a matrix of energetic connection that I know and believe is completely undeniable. And it’s really pulling the strings of what’s going on in everybody’s life, behind the scenes.
When you let go over all the bad stuff that happened to you, and you’re no longer a Karma magnet, so you’re no longer the victimized, traumatized being who is vibrating at that resonance, and more and more is coming into your life. When you let that go, whoever sent that to you and impregnated you with that stuff, it goes back to them.
So what that means is justice comes. This is when narcissists are held accountable. This is when their life starts to crumble down. This is when people see through the lies and the truth of what’s been done to you.
I had this proof if my own life, and so many times I’ve seen it with so many others, that it is not a coincidence. The phenomena that happens with this justice and accountability is that it happens, and it all hits the narcissist when you no longer needed it to – you’re actually at the point of that total detachment and detox where you couldn’t care less whether it does or not, because you’re free. That’s when it happens.
It never comes when you’re conditionally living as a victim, and you say, “My life could not go on until this happens.”
That’s like trying to put a cart in front of a horse, it doesn’t work that way, good luck with that. Because the Quantum Law of so within, so without means that your Inner Being … you trying to say, “Well, my Inner Being will be whole when this thing outside of me shifts into a different state, and I need that to get whole.”
It just can’t work that way, that’s not Quantum Law. You’re actually only going to get more of what brings you more unwholeness and brokenness.
Yet, if you work towards your own wholeness, which is so simple – let go of the trauma that happened to me, and then I become whole. Then more things happen to bring you more wholeness, which means that the narcissist’s power against you crumbles into the dust.
I can’t tell you how many people in our community have had incredible wins on all levels, including rectification, and spiritual compensation on all levels, including money, property, custody wins as a result of doing the deep inner work on everything that I’m talking about to you to today.
These people have forgiven because there’s nothing left to forgive. And they actually got to that level before that restoration came, and then the restoration just happened organically. This stuff is the real deal. And as you’re listening to this, I hope you’re feeling what I’m saying inside, as truth in your cellular being because your cellular being knows this is how it works.
In Conclusion
Let’s get very clear. Hanging on to the pain and your victimization, and, “This person needs to pay, and I will never forgive them for what they did to me.” That’s not going to bring you home to yourself, or a great life, or the future that you really want.
It’s a mugs game. It equals how to lose – it’s Wrong Town.
So therefore, the only solution is to let go, to cleanse yourself, to detox the trauma. That means to forgive. So what you seek as true forgiveness is really purging the narcissist and all of the trauma out of your being, and then forgiveness will just be. How does that feel?
I would love you to tell me how you feel about this version of true forgiveness after watching this episode and write it in the comments. Let’s start a movement of true, organic, freeing forgiveness so that we can all step into that energy.
To help you, I want to direct you to the fastest, most direct path that I know how to forgive, which is the deep inner Quantum work with Quanta Freedom Healing, which is exactly what’s in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
There are specific Modules and even e-books that are deeply a part of everything I’ve spoken about today, because this is so important, this cleansing. And the three Modules, and Module three, Module five, Module eight, and even Module four, are really about this system of upleveling, releasing, and reprogramming to get you through to organic, powerful forgiveness, which really is your liberation.
You can check out NARP in the show notes and also with this link that appears above.
I am so looking forward as always for this conversation on this topic, answering any questions, I know we’re going to have a scintillating powerful conversation because this is a big topic. So I’m really looking forward to that.
Hi,
Dolores Cannon put forgiveness in a perfect perspective, she had a client who kept getting cancer, she said to him are you angry with any one? He said yes, my ex wife she won’t let me see the kids and if I forgive her, she will have won. And Dolores Cannon said she will have won if you die of cancer.
Hi Amy,
I totally agree with Dolores!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
But Melanie – can you forgive the narcissist for what they’ve done to your alienated children? How can you forgive a narcissist when you are in the situation where they are literally causing personality disorders in your children by alienating them from you, turning them against their own mother/father. I could easily forgive the narcissist, if he had never poisoned them. But because of him, these children will never be able to have successful relationships with anyone – it’s severe child abuse and I don’t see how you can forgive that.
Hi Majik,
Truly the forgiveness is about letting go of the toxicity of the trauma inside you.
If you don’t let it go, it remains there.
Also that trauma holds in place the negative energy and the manifestation of “more of the same”.
I have seen (and experienced personally so often) letting go of the emotional trauma of the terrible deeds on the inside of self, and then the outside shifts to bring reconciliation of the terrible deeds in outer life.
As well as no longer connecting with people who bring “more of the same”.
That the SHIFT.
That’s the reason to do it.
What else is there to do?
Hang on and keep suffering?
That is like taking poison every day and hoping that the other person drops dead.
I hope this explains.
Love and hugs to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, I’m grateful for your response, as I’ve been thinking about it all morning – I did had to re-read it quite a few times now, until I could finally come to the conclusion that actually I DO need to do that, I DO actually need to let go of it…. like, NOW! Because holding on to it has certainly NOT made any difference/change to the situation with my kids. But releasing the toxins and trauma could help me to find my real self again, which could possibly then help my children as well. And hopefully, too, I will find some peace. Thank you again ❤️
Hi Majik,
I love that you have felt and accepted this.
Yes, 100% this is where peace is – in the letting Go and letting God.
Truly …
Also is everything that you want for you and your children.
Sending you love, power and courage
Mel 🙏💕💚
“like taking poison everyday hoping the other person drops dead”
Ahh, Melanie… that’s beautiful. The solutions are really so simple once we understand the concepts aren’t they?
I’m not saying the implementations of the solutions are an easy path to travel on, but I am finding that the journey is becoming easier the closer I get to the destination.
I do believe now, that arriving at the destination is possible for every human brain that is aware of these bumps in the road and wants to have a smoother ride.
Thankyou so much, you are wonderful.
Regards,
Sean
Dearest beautiful Mel. I wanted to let you know that I have been doing the NARP modules for a number of years and getting stronger and stronger from each and every healing. This week I watched as a devious Narcissist who had evaded the Law for years and was being enabled by family, Lawyers and authorities to keep perpetuating her lies and continue a campaign of abuse towards me and all of her neighbours for years, finally be brought to account infront of a Judge by my Barrister. I could not take my eyes off this interaction , it was one miracle after the other. This woman has been exposed and now has a public record of being the bully and liar she is. She even stooped so low to accuse her own Lawyers and a Professional Mediator of misconduct on the stand. Clearly lies under oath. This all came about because as you write I had already set myself free with your healings. I cannot express to you , the gift you have given me but you will know what I say that it is Beyond My Wildest Dreams. It was NARP that held my hand every single day as day in and day out I had to accept abuse outside my front door for years, violation of my human rights whilst my Legal team did the ground work to bring her to Justice. Only when I had already cleaned my trauma out did I see the miracles come to me one after the other. I Love you Mel. You are a Light and you have set me free ❤️
Hi Molly,
I love that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you so much!
Wow darling heart and light, look at YOU GO!!
Living testimony and proof as to what happens when you deeply and powerfully shift on the inside.
OMG we would love to have you as an inspirational Thriver Story!!
Have any of my team contacted you yet? 😉
SO much love to you too!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My beautiful Mel. You are part of my heart. My story will blow you away. I was taken to hell, I have never experienced the fear I went through. I am and have always been an incredibly independent , strong , responsible woman , fierce in my beliefs. This experience with the Narcissist, broke me down, I was in terror, it caused me to doubt every single belief I had in myself, I thought I would die. I would love to share with you and your followers my story, my journey. Your sweet voice in your healings were my go to safe place. It was only you that got me through this. You. I have been wanting to write to you but I couldn’t express , I couldn’t articulate what your work means. I know all your teachings say Don’t take a Narcissist on. Work on yourself . This is TRUE. But Melanie. I DID take a Narcissist on. And I DID know that my only , my ONLY, way out was dedicating myself to your work. I knew it on a soul level. All I knew was that I was compelled to keep going back to your voice in your healings. And I had a job to do. She was exposed in such a spectacular way this week. Miracle upon miracle before my very eyes. Not just for me but also for the other people she did it to. You should hear their cries. And she is on public record now so no other soul will have to be exposed to that without at least some accountability. Your voice and healings were showing me the way. That was all I knew. Just go back to Mel and keep going, just keep going. You know you are an Angel ,you know exactly what I am telling you. And you know the gift you have given me, You know. Because this is why you do this work so you know right now, , you know that I cannot express it that it is BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS. It happened WITHIN me, it was never anywhere else. If anyone is reading this and resonates, there is nothing in your life that will ever come nearly as close as understanding the Love that GOD/ Universe/ All That Is’ than Melanie’s work. This is truly God’s work and only by doing it can God, the ALL that is, can shine through you. 🙏
Hi Molly,
honey I am so happy for you!
To be clear, I don’t recommend taking on a narcissist from a place of unhealed inner trauma – yet when we heal deeply on the inside and are dedicated to the inner work then we have the presence, power and truth to take on a narcissist if we so wish – and if it is appropriate.
That is beautiful that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you so much in your self and this victory, and I know myself and the MTE team would love to share your Thriver Story with our community! We will be in touch with you!
Continued Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
When looking at life’s true meaning, in spite of all the hurt and abuse, it comes down to (in my thinking and I need to constantly remind myself of this) … yes they hurt me but, but when it’s all said and done, I truly pray they will get into the ark “before the door closes”. I need to forgive them which means being free, and wish the best for them in their walk with God. It’s then not all about me anymore I am free and safe and need to focus on my own well being.
This is very wise JD,
many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Beautiful sentiments. Each night, I pray for my sister to know the love of God, find healing and achieve peace of mind. That is the only hope for our relationship to be repaired. Until that happens, I release myself from the trauma she caused me.
I can feel myself doing this forgiveness…..being apart and separate from them really helps in the process of forgiving them. I will stay away a long time, because I believe that seeing them has retriggered the trauma many times. Being separate and away it becomes easier to forgive.
Hi Julie,
yes very true, even more so, when you heal on the inside, then forgiveness “just is”.
It becomes beautifully organic
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This step was a tough one for me to achieve!
I was very much in victimhood, & felt extremely triggered when Melanie first explained this concept to me, (a couple of years ago now).
I felt like there was no way I could ever forgive the ex Narc’s for their disgraceful & irresponsible behaviour or treatment of myself, our children, property & finances, & I thought.. ‘& why the hell should I?! I know I have been decent & responsible. I have turned myself inside out & upside down trying to maintain our life with barely any contribution, help or support from them & all they’ve done is lap it up & take take take, & even go out of their way enjoying hitting me where it hurt the most, even where our children also suffered consequences!’ I often wondered ‘how can I forgive & forget a person who’s been so careless & nasty?!’
Now, a long time later, & after dedicated & consistent ‘Narping’.. I feel I have achieved this unbelievable goal, & even feel extremely grateful for those involved.. the lessons they’ve taught me, & the knowledge & peace I’ve gained as a result.
It has been a journey towards awakening & I’m absolutely amazed that I can be so happy after all that I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t believe it possible if I hadn’t seen & felt it for myself, that’s for sure.
When you can forgive & be grateful to your biggest bully, you truely are FREE!
Trust this lady people, she absolutely knows what she’s talking about.. & you truely have nothing to loose & everything to gain learning from her, & doing the inner work for yourself. 👌😘
Oh I LOVE that you got there Lotus!
That is beautiful beyond measure.
Thank you for your inspirational share.
Like so many, as it was for me, NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp makes it so much more possible
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel
Ive been emotionally and financially abused by my ex girlfriend. Thankfully I walked away from this toxic relationship before I was discarded. I find all your advise inspiring as it’s so true and her behaviour has and continues to be so typical. Whilst Im trying to do the forgiveness bit, and I don’t want to get even with her but it’s complicated. Reason been I loaned her some money and I have a signed Acknowledgement of debt with her car as security. She had defaulted on the repayments and I’m now entitled to take possession of the car. I’ve been doing no contact for 3 months now what Please advise what I should do and what should I be fearful of as this is hampering my healing and forgiveness.
Thank you
Hi Malcolm,
That’s great that you are resonating with my work.
I would take possession of the car and then heal.
Then the forgiveness will just BE … that’s the point.
Have you thought about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I can’t recommend it enough if you want to truly be freed, expand and Thrive (with a capital T!)
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
It didn’t take a lot of time in NARP for me to realise I needed to forgive to move on – the timely part and the trickiest part for me was actually identifying where I wasn’t being forgiving. My whole life I was a victim and was constantly “forgiving” (as that term was misdefined by me) I didn’t know anything else and by overlooking the abuse/ putting up with it because that’s what felt normal – I didn’t realise how much unforgiveness I had hidden away to protect myself. When I finally started to recognise and heal those silent traumas with NARP the ball to really started rolling to my freedom and peace. Module 3 (forgiveness) will always be my favourite go to module – Stumbling onto NARP in my darkest of hours is the best thing that ever happened in my life.
Wow I so love this Party Animal.
It is so true that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp sorts out REAL and SPIRITUAL forgiveness (soul freedom) and what is necessary to get there (completely organically).
So much love to you and thank you for your share!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you.🤗 I needed this tonight, more than I can say. I had forgiven. I was feeling better daily. I’ve been nailing it during this pandemic. And then came the trigger. And I got extremely angry. And I have been extremely hurt. Why? Because my dog died and I initiated CONTACT with the narc to try to figure out how to explain it to our grandson. That was the beginning of a very speedy, slippery, karmic mess. My anxiety this past week has been through the roof. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. All the peace I had built disappeared these past two weeks. Work got bad again, I’ve been sick…I slipped right back down the victim rabbit hole. I needed this video. Badly. Thank you so very much Melanie Tonia Evans. You are a beautiful soul helping so many to be able to navigate a healthy, happy and meaningful life. Lesson learned. I’m back on the wagon. ❤️
Hi Teresa,
I’m really pleased that this was timely for you!
Bless you and big hugs! I love your honesty!
Have you been working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to dig out and shift these traumas and triggers powerfully, quickly and beautifully?
I can’t recommend it enough for accelerated healing and ascension.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Forgiving my emotionally abusive mother has meant going no contact recently. What kind of person blocks their own mother in the middle of a pandemic?
But it’s only by forgiving her in the way you’ve described, that I’ve been able to step out of shame and guilt and take this positive step for myself.
She is rallying the flying monkeys of course, but for the first time in my life, instead of panicking and reacting and falling into self-hatred (and self-sabotage), I can sit with myself, with these deep reserves of inner peace and love, and I’m able to just allow that to project itself outwards.
I know that she’s scheming and roiling on the horizon, and there’s plenty who’ll judge me, but finally none of that matters, I found inner peace and this is a glorious thing to know about myself.
Your work has helped me immensely with all of this,
Thank you
Hi Sophieeee,
Well done and I am so proud of you and happy for you.
We should never give up our soul because of “guilt”.
You’ve done the right thing – 100%
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am in the same boat with a narcissist mother and brother who cause me so much pain. I must break away at all cost regardless of what other people think or say. I must protect my peace, my health. Thank you for your words. God bless!
Forgiveness itself, giving rise to the Gratitude 🙂 ahhhh, Wonderful, Blissful 🙂
Because we realise we are becoming more of who we are and so want to join with you in Creating this movement of true, organic, freeing forgiveness so that we can all step into that energy.
Thank you Melanie
Kondwani
You are very welcome Kondawani,
bless you as always!
Mel 🙏💕💚
If this (what you say, what you SAID above) IS forgiveness, then I really DO want it.
I’m afraid that I have been mistaken about the definition of forgiveness; & that is precisely what has hung me up for so long of a time. Your (MTE) definition of forgiveness is one I’ve never heard put quite in the way that you did just now in the above recording. I think I’ll just have to replay & replay it because it really sounds so very freeing in actuality. SURE, I want that for myself. I really had such a hard time with forgiveness (& the word, ‘forgiveness’) because it conjured up notions in my mind of “letting the narc off the hook–scot-free & accepting that the horrible things that they did are now ‘forgotten’ & swept under the rug. And also, that by my “letting them off of the hook in this way, that I am (again) “diminishing myself”. Because, in my household; the Narcissist ALWAYS won, always had things go HIS way, always knew best, was the smartest & most clever – at EVERYBODY ELSE’S expense. And I was probably the Narc’s (my father) biggest Cheerleader. My father did things to my children & family when my husband & I were not around that are quite unspeakable. I’m so sorry if I’m not using the proper way of communicating about this abusive situation. It just came out in my thinking & emotions just now & I’m still so very hurt & sad about it. The abuse happened right under my nose & I was in total denial about it (as was my mother [but maybe she really ‘wasn’t in the dark about it). If this posting by me does not fit the standards of what you want people to post, it’s fine with me if you block it or remove it. I just want you to know that I’ve had some real breakthroughs in my working of my Narp Gold program. Sometimes my emotions are triggered (like right now) & I just can’t seem to help myself from crying. Both my parents are gone now; so my daughter, my son, my husband & I are all “safe” in a way. But there was so much damage that was done to the family that I ended up being tacitly blamed for by my parents & by my husband & children (& that I blamed MYSELF) for. I know I need to do more forgiveness of myself But forgiveness of the perpetrator is just really something will work on, with YOUR definition of that word. Thanks again for discussing this thorny issue of forgiveness. I think I might even be some kind of breakthrough right now with regards to this concept. I feel that I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of a very deep, old wound. I’ll have to replay the above video through a few more times before I get clear what I’m doing & where I’m going. I haven’t utilized the full spectrum of the Narp program yet, I’ve only worked & listened to all of the Modules. Thanks Mel & to everyone else who has helped put together this enlightening, enlivening and very healing program.
Hi Laurel,
it is SOOO freeing!
That’s the entire point – we get free, and above and beyond all of this – not just from this person, but in your life going forward.
I love that you are working with NARP.
Really commit and especially with Module 3 of NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as it will take you deeply through everything I talk about here (and more) and up and out to the other side.
You will LOVE it!
Blessings to you and please know how welcome you are
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have been watching your blogs for many years now.You are the only person who can touch this subject and heal it.I was married to a narc for nearly 30 years.Ten of these years he was having an affair with my “friend “.I prayed nearly every night that I would meet a man who was an angel.My husband the narc came and went between me (and our 2 sons ) and this other woman who he said was “just a friend “.I reached a point where I was losing my rented home and had one son still at school who was vulnerable and is now diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome ,the other elder son was at university.I had no money to pay the rent and no job .My husband was an alcoholic,drinking six bottles of wine a day.I was getting benefits from getting doctor’s sick notes covering three months at a time .Then my doctor unexpectedly left and when I went to the doctors for my three month sick note a locum was there who said she was only allowed to give me a sick note for two weeks ( I had arthritis in my spine ,hips and knees ,probably brought on by the stress of living with the narc abuse) not being able to get my sick note meaning not being able to get my money to live on was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I started screaming and shouting “I’m not leaving until I get what my own doctor would have given me .It’s not my fault that my doctor has left ” I must have made a lot of noise in my melt down because the receptionists came in and a nice doctor who knew me.I was just saying that I couldn’t take any more over and over.It just so happened that it was a Wednesday afternoon which was a mental health day clinic.A retired mental health doctor was in visiting (he used to be a doctor there ) .He talked me through what was going on with my life.The other doctor fixed it for me to go onto a form of long term benefit where I didn’t need to get sick notes because of my long term illness and this turned out to give me backdated money of £2,000 so that I could pay the extra needed each month on the rent. I had told the retired doctor about how my husband had thrown away my paints (I have a degree in art ) .He reached into his wallet and gave me £100 saying ” will this be enough to buy you some paints ? ” I was put in touch by the council with the homeless prevention officer who topped up my rent every month they supported me with debt left by my husband and said they had funding to help me of £250 as long as I spent it on something to change my life for the better.I thought about the hardest thing I could do and I was phobic about and it was to become computer literate so I asked for a laptop which I had never used before.In the mean time I kept having strange synchronistic events happen to me.I found a tiny Tinkerbell toy in the street and picked it up.Then later I found a gold mesh butterfly another day I found a green plastic dragonfly .I knew these were all signposts showing me something was on it’s way.I also walked past my local pub on a very windy day and found a ten pound note stuck firmly to the pavement despite the high wind .I looked around to see if anyone had dropped it and there was no one there.You will not believe this but it’s true a week later on another very windy day at the exact same spot I found another £10 note stuck to the same spot.This showed me that my money troubles were about to be over.When I got y lap top I joined a dating site .My narc husband had been telling me I was old and ugly and no one would want me.I bought my first mobile phone with a camera and one week I had 1,760 men look at my photos.I made sure I told my husband who complained to our eldest son that I was rubbing his nose in it (despite his ten year affair and trying to impregnate my “friend “.I took my time and got to know some really lovely men by talking to them and had so much fun .I never laughed so much in my life .One day I spoke to a man who only lived 5 miles away from me and we decided we had nothing to lose by meeting up.He was the same age as me and looked nice.We got on really well and have now been together 6 years.I met him when we were both 60 and I can assure people on here that it’s never too late to meet the love of your life and that you can be “in love ” at any age. We inherited money for our own house after we’d been married about years (the first home I’ve ever owned ) and as for the synchronised signs my husband had a licence to fly small planes and is most definitely the angel I asked for.The best friend I’ve ever had and an angel of a husband.Getting my laptop got me to Mel and her work which helped me through and I am now a narper.As for my ex husband narc ,He drained every penny of £9,000 out of our joint bank account ,knowing that I was facing homelessness and because he had money for a solicitor he divorced me on the grounds of MY UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOUR !!! I went to court to apply for half his pension and he had to sit and listen silently while I calmly told the judge of his leaving me facing homelessness and destitution after draining £9,000 from our account (this was a p.p.I. payment) The look of disgust on the judge’s face told him and my “friend” who sat with him everything I didn’t need to .I was ordered by the judge to apply to the pension people for his pension.The narc had told our oldest son “I thought the money would make me happy but it hasn’t “Two days after going to court about the pension my husband caught a chest infection and died.He was younger than me and only 49.I didn’t feel much about it ,just very surprised,Everything Melanie says about forgiveness is true .One thing I cannot emphasise enough is that you are never too old to get the wonderful life you want and deserve.The forgiveness thing is huge towards this and Melanie’s understanding of how forgiveness works is spot on .I am eternally grateful to you Mel for coming into my life.I am surrounded by happiness and love in my own beautiful home .Thank you for your work which is ground breaking.Like when you turned your life around Mel ,the harder your fall the higher you can raise yourself up if you work it right.
Hi Shelly,
I love that you turned this all around beautiful lady.
You so deserve this happiness!
It’s my pleasure and keep shining your light too!
Love and blessings to you abundantly.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, this episode soooo very much resonated with me as, like you say, it is the final step, “cure” if you will even, despite being a work-in-progress like the rest of the recovery journey. You have guided me for a long time, alongside my own insights, counseling, learning. Your insights are truly right-on and your ability to relay is wonderful! Thank you.
Hi JoAnn B,
Thank you for your lovely words and I’m so pleased that this deeply resonated with you.
The truth does set you free!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
What came to my mind while listening to this video was that part of the resistance to giving up the victim role could be fear of what comes next in terms of identity? As in “Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, maybe it really is me that’s the bad one? As long as I keep getting hurt, it will remind me not to hurt anybody else.” I know this is twisted thinking; but something that could affect people from backgrounds with strong moralistic “messages”.
I love your standard concluding remark: “…. because there’s nothing else to do.” It’s that simple, no other justification needed.
Thanks
Hi I,
absolutely there are many deep reasons why we don’t “let go”.
This is where NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is so powerful at digging them out and dislodging them so that we can.
Absolutely there is nothing else to do – or keep suffering the trapped internal trauma and more of the same!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
but how to forget when the narc ex emotionally abused and manipulated me to get my virginity and then discarded me as he flaunted his new partner in my face and through his flying monkeys.
he’s now becoming a pastor in the church while I am suffering C-PTSD. I really felt raped not only physically but spiritually. He even called me a Pharisee when I told him how deceitful he is, deceiving me and using the scriptures to get my virginity which is very precious to me. No one will believe me because he is a servant of God in the eyes of many and he is into charity work in an NGO.
Hi Maria,
my heart goes out to you.
Narcissists always do “unforgiveable disgusting things”.
This is why the deep inner work is so necessary to free ourselves of the internal trauma of this.
I’d love to suggest my upcoming free masterclass http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass to help you set yourself free.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Maria!
My name is also Maria ~ and our community here has been abused as a group by such a man as you describe, who, in various ways, did all sorts of abuse and deceit and lied to us all, all while being our priest and hearing confessions. Some confessions he used against us and also told others, uncovering that one who went to him in private. That man, and his wife, have now passed. Over the years, each time Lent came up, and many times throughout the years, I would be, again, faced with my anger and being upset in many ways about all this. Then I finally realized what kind of person he Really was, and that his own wife, who used to be a friend of mine, could go along with him, and yet he also continued to deceive alot of other people. He made others not trust me, made me the problem, and now I am ‘banned’ from going to that church, now that his own son is now the priest. So be it. I am no longer anger, have forgiven him, and while he was still alive, I saw that he had no power over me, no longer. You need to focus on You and on God! It’s that simple sweetie. Look at yourself and what work you have to do… and look to God to heal you completely inside as You also do the work you have to do. He is NOT a servant of God! He is a servant of his own deceptions. He is not walking in The Truth. Nor is he walking with God. The God I know is full of love, perfect love, that does not deliberately hurting others and turning others against you. When it got really bad, there was another man who was a real Christian that came into our life, and his love has never hurt me. His love has been healing. The only thing he wants is for me to get close to God. When he prays, I know God is also healing me. Maybe the reason this man can be real for me is because of his own pain, inflicted on him by someone he used to love, and his own healing work he did, many years ago, that brought him to his knees and to God. Only God could heal his soul and he now lives a life that is completely given to God. I know it may simple, my story, but it involves decades of “stuff” and tons of pain. My own pain and the pain of hundreds of people. There was a church split over what this evil man did. I hope I am being easy to understand here. Right now I am physically ill and healing from something hard. Forgive me if this does not make sense to you. I did the work, even before knowing about Melanie, and now Mel is helping me with other things. Keep going with Melanie and healing your own self. You have greater things to do, and to BE, and you are not a victim but a person with whom God wants to fill with His love and joy so that you can be a light and love to others around you!! Even while we are healing, this can be happening. I know. Much love & hugs! ~ Maria
Forgiveness is not about fairness,
Its about freedom
🙂
I nearly stopped at the church this week (I am not religious) because they had this sign outside and it really resonated with me, and now, this video today is deepening the meaning of it. Thank you!
You are very welcome Cynthia.
I agree with you completely!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
“like taking poison everyday hoping the other person drops dead”
Ahh, Melanie… that’s beautiful. The solutions are really so simple once we understand the concepts aren’t they?
I’m not saying the implementations of the solutions are an easy path to travel on, but I am finding that the journey is becoming easier the closer I get to the destination.
I do believe now, that arriving at the destination is possible for every human brain that is aware of these bumps in the road and wants to have a smoother ride.
Thankyou so much, you are wonderful.
Regards,
Sean
Hi Sean,
they really are.
It’s wonderful that you deeply get this …
Thank you for your kind words and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much Melanie!
Oh, this blog was really great! I really have a hard time forgiving the narcissist. I’ve been trying to forgive her for over three years. It has become a very long and painful and laborious process thus far!
However, something you said in this blog turned on a light, a light that is shining very bright right now! 💡💡💡
What you said was so simple but so true….🙌 my entire inner being reacted with a kind of happiness when I read these words: “these people have forgiven because there is nothing left to forgive”!!! Oh my gosh, did that resonate within! I sincerely believe that that is now attainable for me and my little inner being, little Peter. 🙌👨👦🙌
Now, I need to remember this when I feel myself being hooked back into the narcissist and begin to have this old familiar “stinking thinking” about ” maybe it’s OK! Maybe it’s OK that she did all these things to me etc.! ” Well, it’s not OK! That’s where I get stuck on this idea of forgiving the narcissist!I Now, thankfully, I do see this differently and I am so grateful for that!
These kind of subtle changes are happening little by little as a result of working with NARP. ❤️🦋❤️ And I’m thankful for that, too! 🙌
Tonight I feel like I am getting close to buying her a one-way ticket on the forgiveness train out of town….like, she can go away…..
I hope this makes sense! Thank you so much Melanie for everything! ❤️🦋❤️
Peter@44&👨👦
Hi Peter,
It’s my pleasure.
I love that this deeply resonated with you!
Truly, all you have to do with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is keep releasing what is triggered within and what “hurts”.
Then you will be free!
Ultimately the gratitude comes for this “forced” evolution, freedom and expansion of yourself.
Much love and continued healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi, I was in my relationship with my narc for 5 years, just went no contact right before new year’s after I’d had enough of everything, didn’t know about any of this & happened upon an article online somewhere about NPD & everything clicked into place, it was him to a T!! And me too, why I hadn’t been able to get over him after being treated so badly & kept going back or letting him come back & turning my head to the cheating I knew was going on, everything. I would have never put up with this kind of behavior from any man & I did with him, I was so ashamed, half of our relationship was semi in secret to my family because of his behavior & me being so ashamed of myself for once again taking him back. Final discard came way after final break up, but we were still seeing each other in secret whenever we could, talking every day, still saying I love you, everything. Then all of a sudden he moves in with another woman, same woman that’s been in & out of our lives for 3 years, every time we would break up he would be with her, I knew it, it was no secret. I was devastated. We continue to talk every day & still see each other when he comes in town, terrible of me , I know. Then I just snapped & I’d had it, said all the things I needed to say, not so nicely, made him promise to leave me alone forever or I was going to contact her & tell her about us & show her texts & everything, he promised & that was that. I started doing my inner self work. Then, as part of my healing, because I felt bad, I told her anyway, I felt that he had lied to her & she didn’t know she was doing anything wrong & I did & that was wrong of me, so I told her about what he was, how he operated & about us, she & I talked for awhile & they had been in a relationship for 3 years, I was overwhelmed, how? She said because she lived out of town they only saw each other on the weekends & not every weekend & they were off & on a lot, but she had no idea about me, he had told her we were broken up. Of course he said I was lying & crazy & had used an App to fabricate the texts, made a bunch of threats. I made a bunch of threats too, to tell the truth about him & unmask him for what he was, a liar, a cheater & a thief, and I would bring theft charges against him if he came near me & if he spoke any untruths about me I’d sue him for slander. Everyone here, we live in a very small town, already knows he’s a liar anyway. He shut up & I blocked him & I haven’t heard a word since then. Then, the other day I was clearing my phone of all my pics of him & I emailed every single one to him, he emailed back asking why, I told him I was simply getting rid of them & thought he might want some of the ones of his friends & such, I just wanted them gone, needed no reply. He then said he couldn’t even believe I would email him after all that I’d done to him!! I calmly told him he had a serious mental problem & I truly pitied him & prayed for him & prayed for his next victim. I told him he would never be happy & would die alone & miserable & it broke my heart to think of him that way & that’s why I prayed for him & I was sorry for the hurt he must have endured to make him this way & he should read about his disorder if he wanted to ever find any peace at all, which I told him I knew he wouldn’t because he didn’t think anything was wrong with him, it was always everyone else’s fault. But, I really am at the point that I don’t care about him or what happens to him or if he falls of the face of the plantet tomorrow. I’m still angry, at myself too, I’m still just can’t even believe the magnitude of lies, it’s overwhelming. It hurts my heart even to write this, that every I love you, every kiss, every intimate moment was a lie, all his tears, all mine, all of it!!! I’m just in shock still. I can’t believe there are people that do this, so many of them & I can’t believe I fell so hard!! He was 16 years younger, below my social class, not as smart, not as educated, different upbringings & I fell head over heels!! I feel like such an idiot!! I used to want revenge, but I don’t anymore, he’s not worth my time & energy. I’m not going to let him turn me into a vengeful, bitter, man hating, leery, untrusting person. I’m going to stay the way I’ve always been, honest & kind & loving & forgiving & that includes him. I will not let him tarnish my heart with hate & my soul with negativity. That’s my revenge . I’ve still got a lot of work to do & I’m signed up for your Masterclass coming up, I just wanted your thoughts on if I’m right to be thinking this way so soon. I mean I still have days, but not as bad as before, I’ve been going thru this for awhile though. So much of what you have said has helped me & I want to thank you! I never knew this whole community was out here & it’s been most helpful. ❤️
Jocelyn – I am so proud of you and so inspired by your resolve after such a horrible experience. My story is exactly the same as yours. My husband of twenty years is a narc. The first time I read the description in the DSM I was in shock, blown away, he had every single trait to a T! I couldn’t believe it. It was like a light went on and I realized I wasn’t crazy – I knew in my heart I wasn’t of course, but it was so freeing to finally know legitimately that there was something not right with him. He was a lying cheating drinking morally corrupt person who was beneath me in every way and yet I stayed. I was a frog in boiling water. As you said, the magnitude of lies (and gas lighting) was overwhelming. The story is despicable and too long to write here (as are all our stories). I finally left him 18 months ago and I have felt so alone because no one understands unless they have been through it. It can take years to see a narc for what they really are, outsiders think they are this great charismatic fun person, but when you live with them day in day out for years you are the only one who knows what they are capable of. No one believes you, not because they don’t respect or trust your opinion, but because the story is just too crazy and outrageous to be true. People don’t believe it because they haven’t lived with a narc up close and they just can’t believe anyone can be that dispicable. For years I was too ashamed to tell anyone how bad it was, but now I realize he’s the one who should be ashamed, not me.
Anyway I digress – my point is I am so inspired by your attitude and tenacity in the face of all this. It gives me hope that I can get there too. You said “I used to want revenge, but I don’t anymore, he’s not worth my time & energy. I’m not going to let him turn me into a vengeful, bitter, man hating, leery, untrusting person. I’m going to stay the way I’ve always been, honest & kind & loving & forgiving & that includes him. I will not let him tarnish my heart with hate & my soul with negativity. That’s my revenge” I love this. This is me and exactly where I want to get to! Even though I’m 18 months out I still have a longway to go in reaching this goal, but I’m starting to think I could get there and reading your story gives me hope. So thank you for that!
The NARP program has been so helpful to me, I’m so thankful to have found Melanie and her wise guidance through all this. It has literally saved me and I’m just starting to catch glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so thankful for this community, I couldn’t have survived this alone. I’m looking forward to the Masterclass too!
Hi Jocelyn,
Please know how welcome you are.
I’m really happy that you signed up for the Masterclass.
Please know sweetheart that what you have felt is NOT logical, but is totally consistent with these types of relationships and the trauma-bonding that comes with this.
You are going to love the Masterclass, it will bring you relief and a return to YOU! http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
Can’t wait to be with you then!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel and Others,
This is the THIRD time I’ve listened to this Thriver episode. I find it sooo helpful, and I have been doing the NARP work and the Empowered Self work. But THIS episode is sooo important and clearly defining the process that is so hard to describe. I feel this episode in my bones. Yes, I want to accept this definition of forgiveness. Yes, I want narcissists to no longer matter to me, no longer have an effect on my energetic body, I don’t want to continue “…drinking poison whilst hoping the other person drops dead.” For me, that’s insanity. I will continue coming back to this episode, because it goes very deep for me. Thank YOU so much for your thoughts, your caring and your clarity.
Blessings,
MaryAnn
Hi MaryAnn,
I’m thrilled that this deeply resonates with you.
The truth does set us free.
Much love and many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Liberation! Joy! Happiness! Peace! Love!
Brilliant Joseph!
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is so good. I was just wondering, how long does it take to get to a place where you aren’t constantly triggered? I’ve been doing the NARP modules for 9 months and while I have seen definite change, I still feel so much anger as the divorce proceeds, kids are being used, and he tries to take more and more parenting time. I just don’t know how to not keep getting triggered as I process more and more loss and grief.
Hi Erika,
my strongest suggestion if you are a Gold NARP Member is to come into the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we can meet you and help you breakthrough to the next level.
If you have any difficulties with this, please email one of my lovely support team at [email protected]
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Hi Ms. Melanie,
Thank you for this wonderful and informative video. I just want to ask if “Forgiveness” also includes letting the perpetrator be free from the consequences i.e. legal. I filed a case against my ex-narc husband and now the case was in court. Thank you!
Hi Joanna,
there is no guarantee that you can make anyone accountable with authorities.
The only guarantee you have in life is the ability to release trauma and be free regardless of what does or doesn’t happen to another person.
That is TRUE justice.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve had glimpses (from my inner self) of what you’ve said here, but it has only lasted a few hours before my victimisation rumination begins again where I’m enraged at the injustice, spiteful, emotional undermining and financial damage my sister’s mendacious manipulation has caused me. I’ve been nursing my wounds like they’re precious. And It’s been making me sick – blood pressure consistently 160/120, for example – and I’m literally sick and tired of it all.
The way you’ve described forgiveness here finally makes sooooo much sense. I don’t want to be a victim, and I hate it and it has been making me a perfect patsy in my work for the bad behaviour of unscrupulous and unethical business people (quite apart from my sister’s callous lack of availability to help my ageing parents despite living only 5 minutes away) as well as being “everyone’s favourite asshole” scapegoat for both my parents and my sister.
Reading through your transcript (thank you for that – I retain information better that way) was like seeing daybreak for the first time. I realised I don’t even WANT my sister to suffer consequences – that would only hurt her daughters. I’m not hanging out for Karma to get her – I just don’t want to feel wounded anymore, and for karma to stop kicking ME. Nursing my wounds has been deeply depressing me, and keeping me from doing and enjoying the things that give me joy. I see that so clearly now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. xxx