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You may think breaking free from narcissistic abuse is about fighting back. I promise you that I used to think this too!

However, any energy that you grant a narcissist means they will continue to keep you hooked up, abuse you, mine your resources and continue to devastate your life, as well as that and who you love.

There is only one way to truly break free from narcissistic abuse. That is to let go.

Of course, this is so much easier said than done.

β€œLetting go” I believe is one of the hardest things to do – it certainly was for me, yet now I know it’s the only way to deal with anything that isn’t serving our life, especially a narcissist.

You may think that β€œletting go” means surrendering and giving in. No, it doesn’t mean this at all! It means making the powerful choice of – β€œThis is NOT my reality!”

Today, I wanted to share with you my top 4 things that you need to let go of to break free from narcissistic abuse.

 

Number One – Release Expectations

One of the greatest reasons we don’t let go is because we think we can change what the narcissist is doing – the conscienceless acts, the terrible actions, behaviours and assaults that are completely out of bounds and not acceptable. We want this person to β€œget it” – be remorseful, admit responsibility and reform.

Where narcissists are concerned, when functioning within conflict, you aren’t even able to have a sane conversation, let alone achieve all of the above.

Please know this – a narcissist is not wired the way that you are. They don’t want harmony, understanding, teamwork and to connect with people in healthy ways. Rather they wish to stay illusive, deceptive, manipulative and controlling so that they can keep the upper hand whilst siphoning out people’s energy, resources and Life Force.

Narcissists are psychic vampires; they don’t have the desire or even the capacity to align with what we know to be β€œhumanity”.

No matter how hard you try, there is no way to achieve results with someone who has neither the desire, or even the capacity to comply. Therefore the only way to break free is to let go of the need for this person to be a decent human being. They have no more ability to care for you than a crocodile has of rolling over and letting you scratch its belly.

 

Number Two ­– Let Go Of Needing Accountability

I know you may feel that unless the narcissist is held accountable, your life can’t go on. I really want you to understand that firstly, this rarely happens (I’m sorry to let you know this but it’s the truth) and secondly, the power and the truth of how you create your own life (when you take your power back) is not reliant on what someone else is or isn’t doing.

Absolutely, I previously hung on massively to the need for the narcissist to be brought to justice.

What this equalled was – β€œI can’t get well and recover my life until this happens.” This is the place that I stayed in for a long time.

This didn’t supply me with any healing, relief or emancipation. Fundamentally it didn’t because it defied Quantum Law – so within, so without. My Inner Identity was, β€œI and my life are not well until (the condition) changes outside of me”. This was like trying to put a cart in front of the horse. I didn’t get the β€œchange” outside of me. I had to be the change on the inside, non-conditional to what was happening outside of me.

I promise you that if you let go of the need for accountability, and work on recovering and loving and healing your Inner Being to wholeness (which is 100% unconditionally possible when you work with my Thriver Way to heal), you will go free of any need for accountability.

Often, this is exactly when the narcissist is held accountable and you win against them in a myriad of ways.

Why?

Because it’s no longer a condition of your β€œbeingness”. This is exactly how Quantum Law works. (You may need to read this section a few times over and deeply feel into it to understand how true and profound this is.)

 

Number 3 – Relinquish Demands On Yourself

It is so important to let go of the need to be β€œsuperman” or β€œsuperwoman”.

The experience of narcissistic abuse is akin to being in a war zone, but even more than this you have suffered a terrible psychic and energetic assault.

Narcissistic abuse is a phenomenon – it is a spiritual war. You feel like you have been infiltrated and devastated emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and usually financially – literally at every level of your β€œself”.

Many of us, who were really strong and resilient in various ways were shocked to discover, after narcissist abuse, that we couldn’t just get up and get on with it.

Initially I found that shocking. I had always prided myself in being strong, positive and being able to get up and get on with it, no matter what setback I had. I know so many of you are the same – you are incredibly strong, resourceful, intelligent and capable. This has shocked you too!

When I tried to rebuild my life, I found that I just wasn’t capable. My anxiety, depression, PTSD, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia and other nervous system disorders were too severe. Everything I tried to achieve from this state, failed. Everything just got worse.

At first my ego identity, that used to position myself as strong, capable and successful didn’t want to admit defeat. Finally, I accepted that β€œletting go” of that previous identity was absolutely perfect for me. When I minimalised my life and made my healing all about my inner devotion to me, and gave myself permission to be in this healing hiatus, a huge shift occurred.

For the first time in my life, I discovered a tenderness, and love for myself that I had always been seeking from all the wrong places – namely outside of ME.

For the first time in my life as a result of honouring and valuing my Soul instead of focusing on β€œwho I was in the world” or β€œwhat I was doing”, I found it so much easier to heal from narcissistic abuse, and make things right between my Inner Being, Source and Life, which completely set up the foundation for my True Thriver resurrection and ultimately life.

It brings me so much joy when I see this almighty battle between people and their ego end, and the beautiful self-partnering and healing that this brings. Many of you here, reading this article now, are already living this experience.

 

Number 4 – Let Go Of The Old Life

I think this one, number four, is the hardest. With the narcissist we really did believe (in an intimate relationship sense) that this was the life we had always dreamed of having.

With other people in your life, such as a narcissistic parent or family member, you know the life you are β€œmeant to” have with them, and feel the devastation of never being able to achieve that.

Life with a narcissist is not your dream life, regardless of what you thought you were signing up for, or what you know should be β€œnormal”. Rather, it’s a horror show.

Like so many of us, the realisation and dawning of how bad this really is, is something that I didn’t want to accept. (I know how hard it is for you too!) I had always had painful or disappointing relationships and this time I really thought he was β€œeverything” I wanted a partner to be, and we seemed so mutually aligned with what we both wanted in life.

When you have decided β€œthis is it”, plus you are feeling a powerful connection to a person who defies anything you have felt before, then it is a very big deal to change your mind. Even greater than changing your mind, is the changing of your heart.

To add insult to injury, ending with a narcissist doesn’t just mean β€œlosing the dream”, it also usually means losing years, your health, resources and much of what you have achieved to date going completely down the toilet as well.

This I want you to know with all my heart, when you heal the Thriver Way you will be able to accept that the development and healing of your Soul is the greatest win of all. What you thought you had with the narcissist was connected to a False Self having a False Life.

This person was never meant to β€œbe” your True Self and True Life; they were in your life to bring you to your knees, so that you could turn inwards, come home to True Source, and align with that yourself.

Because, unconsciously, you had positioned someone else as your Source of Love, approval, security and survival, as well as Life Force, joy, expansion, confidence and capacity to be your True Self and True Life, you had never been fully free to be yourself and your own higher potential.

Letting go of the life that you thought β€œwas meant to be” IS so painful. I promise you, however, when you dedicate to inner healing and valuing your Soul, the outer will start responding in ways that will thrill you. Ways that are real, durable and truly fulfilling – as well as empowering.

I promise you from the bottom of my heart, that my own life, and that of countless others who have healed the Thriver Way in this community have created prosperous, loving, incredible lives that far exceed anything we were previously experiencing.

Ultimately, we discovered the only life that would have durably fulfilled us, are lives generated from the inside out.

 

In Conclusion

I know you are human … I know it’s hard to let go!

You may have heard this expression β€œLet Go and let God”. What it really means is that when we clean out the toxic trauma and people and situations from our life that are connected to abuse, it creates incredible space for healing, well-being and miracle to enter.

Doing exactly this shift is the powerful basis of what my Thriver Healing is all about.

Personally, I couldn’t just logically accomplish β€œletting go”. I needed to do deep inner work to get this task done. Specifically, Quanta Freedom Healing was the key for me to release and be resolved from the β€œunthinkable” trauma of narcissistic abuse, as it has been for thousands of Thrivers in this community.

Coming up soon on April 3rd my team and I are running theΒ Thrive Membership Program. This is a 10-week hands-on healing Bootcamp, where I take you through deep interactive exercises and healings to help you let go, powerfully detox a narcissist out of your being and get your sanity, health, Soul, Life Force and future back.

Please check it out – this is a global event and spaces are filling fast.

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Commments (33) + Leave a comments

33 thoughts on “4 Things You Need To Let Go Of To Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse

  1. I find this article extremely effective and interesting. I have an adult son that lives here part-time that is a narcissist and I love him dearly but I need to let go.

  2. Every single word of all this horrific abuse articles is what I have been dealing with for the last 25 years to the point where I feel I am going mad and the worse of it is now he has used our children, more so daughter (22 years old who resides at home as his narcissistic power tool as she has been manipulated against me , so now I cop bullying from him and my only daughter and I feel I am living in a very real version of hell,

  3. Let go and let God. ” Be still and know I am God”

    Trust in the Lord God with all your heart.
    Lean not on your own understanding
    In all your ways rely on Him
    And He will direct your path “

    1. Hi Fay!
      Did you get that quote “Be still and know….”
      from the book “The Impersonal Life” by Joseph S. Benner?
      It’s a beautiful quote and certainly applies here….
      Thanks
      .

      1. One of my favorite verses ….. this is the NIV translation:

        Trust in the Lord with all your heart
        and lean not on your own understanding;
        In all your ways acknowledge Him,
        and he will make your paths straight.
        Proverbs 3:6

    2. That phrase “Let go and let God” I constantly tell myself and it helps me be relieved that a higher Source is helping me as I put in my effort to heal.

  4. What if there’s legal issues? Should you just walk away and not recover what you’ve lost? What happens when their retaliation has cost you employment? I feel totally trapped, if I walk away I lose my ability to recover from the severe retaliation that’s affecting my livelihood. I totally get what you are saying, but I’m a whistleblower dealing with a powerful politician boss who is s severe narcissist. I don’t think she will ever stop. Even if I gave up.

    1. I feel for you Tess. I’ve no idea what you ‘should’ do, what would bring you the most peace and freedom might be just that and you never know how a graceful and elegant retreat might have a ripple effect. You’re probably right that she’ll never give up, maybe your piece of the puzzle was whistle-blowing and others will stop her. Maybe someone will see how you stay in your true self and more work will come unexpectedly. It’s so hard to get clarity when you’re in it but trust yourself and good luck x

    2. Hi Tess,

      this could be complicated, but please know it starts from within.

      If you can shift out of whatever it is (totally understandably) that is being triggered within you, that puts you in the most powerful inner place for a solution and or the right decision to emerge.

      That is where your power will come from.

      I would love you to come into my free webinar and experience a healing and learn more about this “way” to work with this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope that this can help you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

      1. what happens If your narcissist commits suicide? after years of abuse I left and 3 months later he killed himself. I don’t know if he was depressed without me but I couldn’t keep trying to fix him any more.

        1. Hi Joanne,

          my heart goes out to you.

          There have been many members in our wonderful NARP community over the years who have suffered this too.

          My highest recommendation – for everything regarding narcissists and toxic relationships is to heal ourselves.

          That is all that we can do.

          NARP is the most powerful solution I know of http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

          Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

  5. I understand is about let go …. easy said then done … when the narcissist abuser is a partner … how are you meant to let go of your own child … who’s feeling abandoned by his own family? I’ve noticed with no support he is getting worse, spiralling out of control. It’s a very hard decision to take

    1. Hi Mariana,

      my heart goes out to you.

      There is nothing more painful than when our children are involved.

      If you google my name plus “our children” I have many resources which I hope can help you.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

  6. Thanks Mel, it’s good to have it recognised how hard it is to give up, for me, the idea of having a warm, loving family of origin, which we were told we had by my covert narc Dad who had us walking on eggshells and deferring to him for all opinions etc. I’m finding it difficult that I know he’ll never recognise any wrongdoing as he just doesn’t see it in himself, he thinks he’s morally perfect and talks about everyone else with disdain. There aren’t the overtly bad behaviours so I’m pulling away but unable to explain why, Covid has given me the space I need but as we come out I don’t know how to say “I don’t want you to come to my house all the time”. I know I’ll use other excuses, is it ‘normal’ that his covert behaviour is covert also from himself? E.g. I’ll say something and if he doesn’t want to hear it, he’ll simply act as if I didn’t speak but with an air of “this does not exist to me”. Really hard to pinpoint and deal with.

  7. when you are able to really let go you find that there is this exciting new life that has been sitting there all the time with your name on i just waiting for you to let go of the Past and Grab hold of this new life by faith with both hands, and don’t look back, and everything will be restored, Peace finances family friends 100 fold without you even having to try, Beyond anything you could have ever imagined Blessings Col

  8. Hi Melanie
    Thank you! Releasing any expectations or hope that I may have had in the past or letting go of the “stinking thinking” that the narcissist will somehow be accountable for her actions is not easy and, really, futile…..Truthfully, everything about this is not easy…. and most of my thoughts have been an exercise in futility! πŸ˜”
    But, letting go of prior demands placed on my life by myself and letting go of “The old life” seem to be within reach. πŸ™ following and practicing the principles of NARP has helped me to continue to stay “On the path”…..to a better and more productive life, a life that now has more hope….I know that there are miles to go! I also know that I’m doing the right things now! I can’t thank you enough for your guidance, Melanie! Lots of love, Melanie β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ

  9. Hmm, πŸ€” I wonder in society how making money off the pain of others is a good thing?This does not seem 2 be a God thing 2 me!

  10. Hi, Is the thrive program different than NARP? or is it a compliment to it? I am currently doing NARP and understood that to be the program to heal from narcissistic abuse?
    Can you please clarify the difference?
    Thanks

    1. Hi Katie. i had the same question while deciding which program i would participate in. i sent an email directly to the staff – found the email address on the website. They answered within 1 day – now i have a clear understanding and am enrolled in the Thrive classes starting next month. my understanding is that both programs cover the same things but in different formats. But i would definitely send an email directly to them. I may also enroll in one of the follow up courses depending on my needs upon completion of Thrive. Healing and peace to you. Vicki Elyse Arizona, US

    2. Hi Katie,

      In a metaphor such as going to gym – NARP is like you have all the information that you need and you go to gym in “your time”. Thrive is like “personal training”, you turn up for each session and you are taken through intense targeted healing (which of course is also very lovingly supported!)

      There are many NARP members who came to the last 10-week session for a super-boost in their healing and totally got that result.

      Does this help?

      Much Love

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’žπŸ¦‹

  11. I struggle with this as the family member who is the narcissist, is my daughter in law. She has manipulated our son from a very nice, kind person into a person who has turned on us and taken on her traits. When I read the articles it seems they are focused on spouses or boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Anything particular to adult children?

  12. I am really struggling here, I think I have been in a β€œrelationship” with a narcissist who I helped financially for a number of months. He then out of now where stopped talking to me, about 5 months ago, and I left it alone after finding out several lies.

    I have just seen today via social media, that he is married. No one told me, and the only way I knew was from the ring in the picture. I feel so sad and low seeing that he is happy and has moved on so fast and I’m still alone. He never even attempted to make such a commitment to me and now I feel maybe I wasn’t good enough.

    I know you shouldn’t feel bitterness towards another and I’m trying not to but it’s hard seeing as I spent so much money, was discarded abruptly with no reason and now to see this has left me feeling so uneasy and useless.

  13. Thank you so much Mel it means a lot that you replied and that you understand that this is painful. We have mutual friends also and I’m not even sure what to say to them about the situation or if I should just ignore it.

    It’s difficult to understand how those that lie and use others seem to end up with the β€œhappy ending” whilst I have been left alone. I do want to let go but this has thrown up all kinds of issues and I don’t know who to trust anymore πŸ˜”

    Thank you so much again πŸ™πŸΌ

  14. Anon83: the very broken people who harm good, loving people like us (like MOST of us) truly do NOT end up with a “happy ending.” That’s more of their “false, fake front” presenting itself, as if it is meant to deliberately hurt us β€” and it does feel hurtful, far too frequently. Please know that these deeply damaged, harmful people will likely never heal from their wounds, so blithe are they to their constant chaos and carnage. But YOU and ME and others like us who are warm and loving (yet imperfect, it’s true), we CAN and DO heal, because we have the space in our hearts to be open to change and improve ourselves.

    So don’t be fooled by Cluster B monsters “trying to hurt us” while all they are doing is more of the same broken pattern they feel soothes their deep wounds. It’s a cheap trick that once we see through for what it is, allows us to say “it isn’t up to me to fix them, they might always remain broken.” And importantly, we learn to feel a sense of “I can’t take their behavior personally.” (That’s a difficult one). But we, well, WE have beautiful (battered somewhat, yes) souls that allow us to heal, grow and thrive. I hope this helps. There are many such small steps of realization, but over time, they add up and do much more than simply “help,” they transform us!

  15. Thank you for this post. It is really hard “letting go” after years of abuse, especially the brutal discard phase. Covert narcissists are warped beings, pretending to be “good” human beings in public yet abusive behind closed doors. This is abuse and cannot be normalised. Then their discard phase….no one can be more brutal and inhumane than a certain Finnish architect ; Harri Mutka becomes a monster that no one would ever imagine. His brutality has long lasting consequences.

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