Narcissist are nasty people. They are also sneaky …
Today I want to share with you the six ways that a narcissist can use other people to abuse you.
Why would a narcissist use others to do this?
A narcissist, often by themselves, cannot inflict the levels of control or punishment that they may wish to leverage on another.
Let me explain …
Narcissists are a False Self. They are empty on the inside. They actually have no “Life Force” or “energetic power” themselves. Think vampires who need to feed on others to exist – and you are getting very close to the truth. Narcissists HAVE to use other people as the bullets in the gun they wish to fire to inflict damage on you.
This is actually no different to when a narcissist directly hurts you – they can only use your pain, trauma and insecurities against you to hurt you. It is only when you have healed up what they try to trigger inside of you that the game and their “false power” is finished.
Narcissists can be cowardly in their bullying. They like to hide behind other people and get them to do their dirty work for them. Narcissists HATE being exposed and caught out.
Until you know this, and how to recover from narcissists employing their assets against you, it is absolutely beyond disturbing when other people are deployed against you.
Often these people are charmed or manipulated into the narcissist’s orbit and have no idea that they are being used to do the narcissist’s bidding.
Usually these people down the track – such as in future love partners – discover that they too are demoted to being attacked by the narcissist and their various minions.
Such are the cycles of narcissistic abuse!
Let’s explore the 6 main ways a narcissist can use other people to hurt you.
Number One – Adultery
This is one of the most common things that a narcissist can do to hurt another, obviously especially in romantic relationships.
Narcissists are known to be adulterous. They don’t have a conscience, are only loyal to their internal master – the False Self – and have no problems generating sexual encounters with others in order to get an ego feed or attention when feeling low on narcissistic supply (ego superiority).
Insecure people, especially those who can’t stand not being the centre of attention and who are envious, jealous and accuse others of playing up, are the most likely to be adulterous.
Narcissists often fit this category.
They can also commit adultery with pornography, Internet dating exploits and also engage in emotional adultery such as spending time with other people in suggestive and emotionally connected ways to feed their egos or purposely hurt their partner.
I remember some years ago a narcissist who was bragging about his exploits, told me that when his partner didn’t show him enough attention, he would create an argument, make it look like her fault, leave and then go visit a prostitute.
Even though she didn’t “know” what he was up to, to him this provided him with justifiable vindication.
Number Two – Replacing You
If you do not dance enough to the narcissistic drum – give up all of your rights and values whilst feeding their irrational demands – or if he or she has emptied you out all the way to your demise, or if a newer, more fertile source of narcissistic supply comes along, then the narcissist may jump ship.
This may just be for the selfish, self-serving need of the narcissist to continue to feed off energy or resources, and/or to punish you for not complying with the False Self.
Narcissists often like to rub their previous spouses or partner’s nose in their new relationships.
You may be so shocked, traumatised and barely functioning, yet the narcissist is posting all over social media their new apparent loved-up status and introducing their new partner to family, friends and even your children.
To add insult to injury the narcissist may be telling you how terrible you are and how amazing their new partner is.
Of course, you are being smeared, devalued and discarded to others. Now that the narcissist has decided you are “out” they back it up with all the actions of blaming you and trying to retain face with anyone who will listen.
They may even get engaged or married to the new person within an incredibly short period of time.
I have said it many times, a narcissist will get into a new relationship in the time it takes to boil an egg. Often as soon as the cracks start appearing in the relationship the narcissist is already sourcing new supply.
The truth often is that the narcissist already had more than you as a source of romantic interest because this is how narcissists roll. They are needy and empty and can’t stand being alone.
It’s like a drug addict. If they are not getting enough of a feed from you, then they will have back up suppliers at the ready.
If a narcissist is replacing you to punish you and you hang on trying to get back together, it’s very likely that they will toggle you with the new supply.
This is of course horribly devastating and Soul destroying for people.
Number Three – Recruiting Minions
Narcissists are experts at smear campaigns.
I know so many of you have been devastated and felt extremely angry at the minions, aka “flying monkeys” that a narcissist can recruit to go after you, discredit you, talk about you or even hurtfully turn their back on you.
We need to be really honest here – many of us, once upon a time, were recruited as minions ourselves.
This is the thing, a narcissist with full emotion, and many details to their story can look people straight in the eyes and tell them terrible things about other people. As decent people, we fully believed (before experiencing a pathological narcissist) that a grown adult who did this must be telling us the truth, because surely, they wouldn’t go out of their way to come up with such incredible stories!
We also had no idea that narcissists were so disordered and skewered in their thought processes, that after telling these outrageous lies that they actually start to believe them themselves – hence why they are so believable!
Likewise, the minions against you, really do believe that you are the bad person, and that you have done terrible things against the narcissist (or them).
Number Four – Threatening Competition
A narcissist can make you anxious and attempt to control you, by threatening you with other people. He or she may talk about others in the past, making you believe that you need to compete with these past lovers.
Perhaps a narcissist will talk about another person in their life incessantly, so that you feel like this person is more in their favour than you. This could make you hand over to the narcissist more attention and resources to try to get their allegiance back.
Or perhaps the narcissist is enjoying your anxiety, where he or she can accuse you of being jealous or insecure – making you feel even more off balance, which grants the narcissist A-grade narcissistic supply – the significance of knowing that he or she has the power to affect you so adversely.
It can also take the focus off what the narcissist is doing behind your back, with this person (or people) by focusing on your “jealousy”.
Number Five – Abuse By Proxy
One of the nastiest ways that a narcissist can use others to abuse you is through abuse by proxy. This is the engaging of organisations and authorities to attack you on the narcissist’s behalf.
Narcissists love to be high conflict people using the court system to keep you in a state of angst, financial distress and battle.
Or perhaps the narcissist will use any information they have ever had against you, by reporting you to your employer or authorities, such as child protection services. Or if they don’t have any information, they may use downright lies.
As well as exploiting any extreme (and perfectly understandable reactions) you have had to their horrific abuse.
Many a person has been shocked at how disgusting the narcissist becomes and how low they can stoop in these situations, when the gloves come off in property and custody settlements, or if you have left them on your terms.
Number Six – Alienation
The last of these 6 main ways a narcissist can use other people to hurt you, is heartbreaking – especially when it involves your children.
Of course, the most effective way to punish virtually anyone would be to take their children away from them.
Sadly and horribly, narcissists will often try to do this, and sometimes succeed without any consciousness. Often, they use the Family Court system to achieve these terrible ends.
I can’t tell you how much my heart goes out to everyone who as suffered this. I have dear personal friends who have suffered this horror of narcissistic abuse.
In Conclusion
I want you to know with all of my heart, that dealing with a narcissist abusing you through other people, is exactly the same process as dealing with a narcissist who is inflicting this on you directly.
Remember, that a narcissist has no power of their own, and even if they are using others as the “vehicle” to abuse you – when you detach, turn inwards to yourself and heal the parts of yourself that are triggered into fear, insecurity, rage or powerlessness and get clear, solid and empowered on the inside – the narcissist and their minions’ power starts to dissolve out of your experience.
I promise you that I have personally experienced this at profound levels. I have also, in the last ten plus years in this community, seen people who were being brutally abused by the narcissist and their minions use my Thriver Way to heal and turn inwards by using Quanta Freedom Healing to release and reprogram their internal trauma – then people back off, and they are able to powerfully and calmly defend themselves with authorities, have people organically believe them, and also stop or recover all of the attempts of the narcissist attempting to alienate their loved ones against them.
Please, know when you ARE triggered into significant trauma, THAT is when you are ineffective, derailed, handing power over and unconsciously generating and manifesting “more” of the trigger and playing straight into the narcissist’s hands.
This is why it is so VITAL to reverse all of this.
That’s where your power really is.
I’d love to help you do this by introducing you to my free 3 Keys Webinar which explains deeply how the narcissist has been able to hurt you, and what you need to do to release and heal and stop this from continuing.
I really hope that this article and my healing suggestions have helped you feel hope that there is a true solution for this horrible mess.
And, as always, I’m looking forward to answers your comments and questions below.
Hi Melanie!
Thank you for this today! Reading through all of this made me very sad! 😔 It reminded me of just how horrible things are and have been with the narcissist.
Each of the six categories I’ve experienced with the narcissist.
The adultery, the replacement, seeking the minions, etc. were all very difficult things to go through with her.
The most recent was using a bully lawyer to intimidate me in a recent court deposition. She was successful and I was intimidated. I am assuming that is using others by proxy. It was horrible!
Even though reading this today was quite difficult I feel confident that by continuing to practice the principles of your beautiful program (NARP) I will recover and I will make it through all of this. 🙏🙏🙏
The blogs that you continue to give to all of us are so vitally important and so incredibly helpful and I am so thankful for that! ❤️🦋❤️
Thank you so much Melanie for this and everything else and thank you for your absolutely amazing staff that has helped me so much!
I am looking forward, as always, for anything that you send out to us!
Much love to you and everybody else! ❤️
Peter@44& Lil’ P ❤️🙏🕊❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
it’s my pleasure.
Yes absolutely NARP will lead you out of the darkness and into the Light.
Use every triggering moment, to dig down inside and shift and replace out of your whatever is triggered, with NARP, and truly her horror and smear campaign will be toast!
I love that you feel met by my team – they are amazing. Their dedication blows me away.
Thank you for you love to all, and so much love and blessings to you Dear Man
Mel 🙏💕💚
Me and my guy dated for about a year and a half before moving in together. We made our own money, didn’t borrow, steal or take inappropriately. Years on, same. We’re not into the boring illegal stuff narcs do for kicks. So we’re not the narcissists, but those tendencies can be learned if around anyone scheming like that.
Beautifully Said Mel the truth you expose is so well and amazing … and your solution is even better ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Love your work
Hi Faye,
thank you for your lovely words. I appreciate them.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I had suffered 15 years of abuse from Narcissis, finally she found the man of her dreams. Left the children me her house and I divorced her. After a couple of years of me taking care of my two children my ex wife returned and began a campaign with police, courts and, child protective services. She convinced my son and the courts I had mistreated him. Thanks for listening and getting the information out about this never spoken about problem of narcissisium. Now my son is contending with his narcissistic personality.
Hi. I understanding this totally. Right now he was so mad at me. He turned around and sent me a pic of his other supply I found out about. But she was self pleasuring herself. I was disgusted.
The cool part about it is, he is serving a life without parole sentence in prison. I’m trying to catch me breathe.
Thank you for this offer. I hope you reply
Hi Antonette,
I so hope you heal sweetheart and get away, detached and healed from such a person.
And, never again, have to endure such abuse.
You are very welcome and all my love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I think I have experienced this. My partner that I’m still along with . Two years ago I find the dating sites he was on for 3 years at that time. I took his handsets and found lots of dating sites and saw them on his email address aswell. Even though I have seen it with my own eyes he is trying to tell me he was hacked. How can this be. He said that it was probably me that set them all up. Is mine a narc. Or what kind of person would do this. If he was hacked it all would not be on his emails saying administration. And even saved passwords on his phones. They weren’t so much an ordinary dating sites. They were local fxxk sites and sites from Russia. I even got into a couple of his sites and I saw how he got to speak free of charge to these young girls. He will barely tell me the truth and then when he sees my reaction he will say I didn’t do it again. That I’m only telling you this because that’s what I want to hear. Has anyone got any suggestions please .
My eldest son is a classic case of being owned by the narcissist into continuing his lifelong [it feels] attack on me. He actually died just a couple of years ago, and so you would think it is over, but in fact, the legacy lives on. My own parents, brothers and son, have all been used at various times, and to varying degrees by my ex. He had no shame, he’d often mix a pinch of truth, with a heavy dollop of toxic talk, and I watched my life fall to pieces. I went from having a close and I thought loving family, to being treated with absolute contempt by the very people I loved the most. But, despite this, I learned to trust myself, and to use the truth as my anchor to sanity and to wellness. It has not been easy, but I have managed. I sometimes mourn my losses, but I figure, if no-one could figure out that their experience of me was far off what he manipulated them into believing, then a part of them must consciously have decided to believe, and not question. I have a lovely family around me and I am ever so grateful. I value and appreciate them, and enjoy their company and let them know, I love them. And, I never let anyone in the inner circle, who should not be there!
Hi Asiya,
it is great you were able to get through this and that you are surrounded by love.
So you so deserve this after what you have been through.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Very insightful of you to see exactly what is happening, I drew real strength by this.
This article so accurately details the exact behavior of my malignant narcissistic sister. Conducting a smear campaign against me using our family members. My aunt, over time, has related to me many of the lies my sister told about me. This has been going on for about 50 years. I made a life for myself by myself and always felt alienated from my family. Since being involved with NARP, I have come to understand the various behaviors of the narcissist and how they use people. I have started reaching out to members of my family from a place of empowerment thanks to the NARP program, and I have found, to my astonishment, that they are glad to hear from me. I am slowly working on the NARP modules and I now have healed some of my inner wounds and have the awareness to be able to deal with my sister, when necessary, as regards the care of our elderly parents, without giving her the supply she wants. I can’t begin to say how great this feels. I still struggle with feeling the loss of my sister in my life as the sister I loved when we were little. And I feel sad that my sister has kept me from knowing and spending time with my nephews, but I can know them now from a position of strength and power. Thank you so much Melanie.
Hi Isadora,
it is really beautiful that you have worked on yourself with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to be able to make a significant shift within all of this!
Congrats!
Keep shifting out that trauma of loss with your sister, and that too will dissolve.
Sending love and blessings to you and your family
Mel 🙏💕💚
Your post makes perfect sense to me Asiya I’ve been there and yes always be very careful who you let into your inner circle, it’s very liberating when the narcissist no longer affects you.
At what age, if ever, do you tell your son that he was brainwashed by his narc father? Which details are ok to give; which arent?
Or is it best to not interfere with their right to believe whatever they do and perchance admire their father thus see themselves or a version of manhood they respect (even if it isnt true— even if you pay the price, having been made out to be the crazy one)?
My son is 26. He knows a fair amount but there is residual disrespect for me- some sort of underlying anger that can really be hurtful. I feel like Ive been struggling to be accepted by him for 20 years. Im getting old. Im single. He has come around an enormous amount. There was a time for years when he would say I love you or accept my love; when he wouldnt let me touch him; when he tripped me as i walked; left the room as I came in, etc…
for years now, he seems to try and i think he knows how much I love him and he loves me. But it seems that he struggles to like me. There just seems to be residual from the divorce from hell so many years ago. A war that didnt have to be, with ALL the elements you often speak of except physical abuse.
I instinctively truly did a lot of what you recommend regarding my behavior. But inside, I was wounded and my veins were coursing with cortisol.
I want peace and I hope my son FULLY comes around before I perhaps get dementia— a real genetic possibility.
Im trying to heal and have made many strides, had setbacks with other narcs and have spent a lot of time alone. I just wish for more respect. I wish my son understood what it took for me to survive and keep my head up and carry on loving him and doing my best no matter what. I never blamed the minions. I knew I had been one like them. I certainly didnt blame my young som who was enlisted in his father’s war. He felt he would lose his fathers love if he didnt show allegiance. I was honest and strong and brave and it was brutal but I never gave up and I made sure my son deep down knew I would never give up on him.
I just feel tired at this point. Life is short. I think my son needs to heal but I cant force him. Hes an adult.
I need to heal and Im trying.
What can I do to encourage a better relationship?
Hi Dandylion,
my heart goes out to you as this is so painful. I personally experienced this and I know so many others in this community who have as well.
So often I speak to parents suffering this, and this I say every time – let go of trying to change your child’s mind and deeply, deeply heal yourself. Then you will arise as different in this, have the capacity to lead the way and he will gravitate to you organically as your solid, calm, loving, wise self.
When the pain of what has happened and the relationships you have had are dissolved, then space appears for the relationship with you and your son to heal.
Then he will naturally “see” much more clearly the truth of things, without you haveing to convince him of anything.
This is exactly how it has happened for myself and more people than I could ever show you!
In fact it is the only way I know that it works!
Please know if you try to explain it to your son, you will only push him away.
The most successful way to heal you, and your relationship with your son, is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and also please google my name plus “our children” and this goes into great detail as to what I have briefly shared with you here.
Much love to you and your son
Mel 🙏💕💚
* when he would NOT say I love you…
Abuse by proxy keeps rearing its ugly head in my life. I’m processing my mom’s estate (being my n-mother’s beast of burden…and so it goes on and on). Since her death, I have suffered through two harassment calls from my mom’s accountant. Getting through the first return season was one thing. But then he called me on Mother’s Day and again in August. I wore his crap for days. I emailed him and told him I didn’t have the appetite to discuss my mother’s tax affairs until ‘next year’ (right now) and to please pass along my mom’s files to my accountant (coincidentally with the same firm) and I wished him well. If it hadn’t been for the conversation I had with my mom’s hairdresser (I stopped in to make an appointment and catch up on my mom’s treatments,) I wouldn’t have had any idea what the heck his problem was. My mom’s hairdresser was really shocked with everything I was sharing with her while catching up and she stopped me to tell me that I was a completely different person from what my mom described. Apparently I was the meanest and most ungrateful and hurtful daughter ever. (!) She was astounded how accommodating and compassionate I was being and said my mom didn’t deserve me. I thought that was a bit harsh. That was until I picked my mom up from her appointment and they were sitting chatting and my mom told her hairdresser while I was waiting for her to finish her conversation (within ear shot), “I pay rent.” She repeated this and her hairdresser just looked at her. And she repeated that again. I chimed in that I didn’t want anything from her (she hated the longterm care place so much I offered she stay with me because I was the one ferrying her to all her appointments and treatments so we agreed on $150.00). What I didn’t realize until afterwards was that she was painting me as an opportunist taking advantage of a dying woman, when the reality was I put everything on hold for her, kids and dog, while going through a separation, to take care of her. (!) Apparently her accountant felt a need to “avenge” my mother. Seriously, she keeps reaching beyond the grave. My estrange husband has also being using people/the system to abuse me. He’s been especially nice and accommodating getting info together for mediation. I can only imagine how sh!tty that is going to go down. The kids are adults and all I want is what is mine and I’ll be on my way. I keep telling myself, it’s almost over.
Hi Nicole,
yes it is shocking when you discover what has been said behind your back.
Big hugs to you and sending you healing and breakthroughs with all of this. Narcissists are experts at using others. I’d love to offer you some relief, and the ability to take your power back and reverse this nasty coup.
This can help http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel
My sick ex does everything you describe except he won’t move on. He has a girlfriend who he moved in within a month and then described as the love of his life (sic), but he won’t bite the bullet and marry her even though she thinks he’s a catch. He used the court and a criminally bent judge to abuse me and get massive visitation and shared custody and now he tortures our little one every time he sees him. Tells him he won’t see me again “haha”. I’ve had to carry on, ignore it, stay strong. This week the pig emailed and get this….asked if we can have another child together as if the past 5 yrs hadn’t happened! I mean I don’t even speak to him except through the family site, and he knows it so what sick planet is he on?! He’s a creep, a truly a sick and depraved curse.
Hi Kelly,
I really want you to know that “the connection” narcissists have with us as people is energetic. There are ties that can be emotionally cleared to cut that energy line.
Myself and many, many others have been able to achieve this, even with N’s who were relentless.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar to discover more about this, and how there is a way out.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this helps!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie,
Thank you for your perpicacious insight. Indeed, I have spent years of my life believing I was the ‘wicked’ one among 5 children. When I was the one who was shy, played or read or ‘cooked’ alone, by myself dreading the noise my brothers & sisters made as they played together. I left home at 18 – 50 years ago – and have even settled down on the opposite side of the world. Yes, over the past 50 years I have strived as best I can to make sense of Love, Friendship, Trust and Caring. Your words are like a baume to my Soul. God Bless. 🙏🌹
You are very welcome Jean Anne,
I love that these words resonate with your soul.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
Again, words aren’t enough …
Thank You 🙂
Kondwani
Bless Kondwani,
anytime!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’ve been on your mailing list for years. I agree with a lot of the things you say however I’ve been left in financial ruin by my previous partner of ten years. I am not a narcissist but the bit you say about a narcissist going to courts and their employers is not quite right they are too cowardly to go thru these sort of humiliating processes in fact it me the victim who has had to threaten him with court and goi g to his employer.. I’m okay now and doing really well but because we have a house together in another country it’s made it impossible to get him to discuss it rationally thank god I never had children with him 😂
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for posting this! I realized that my husband has done all these things to me! Sad to say but very true:( He has threatened me telling me he’d take my kids away from me. 2 of my children are now 19 an 20, our 3rd child is 8 yrs. old. For the fear of him trying to taking my 3rd child away from me since he has threatened me with taking my 2 other children away. This is the only reason why I am with him.
He has cheated on me in my hometown where we live more times than I can count on both my hands. I never know about the affairs till 6 months to a year or so later.
I want out of my marriage because of his infidelities an how he treats our family. I’m so exhausted an tired especially hearing on a daily basis when I bring something up he has said or done, “Oh I was only joking”. I stick up for my kids all the time when he teases them. Then he tells me, don’t change me, this is who I am. Or he’ll say, “Just love me for who I am”.
That’s an everyday saying.
Thank you!
Hi Christina,
It’s my pleasure.
I really want to send you hope, strength, healing and breakthrough for your situation
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel,
Abuse by proxy is yet another tactic used, however how to we use NARP to clear this up? Do we use the goal setting module?
Hi Amy,
for any triggered trauma within, including this, I would highly recommend using Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module.
I hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dearest Melanie Tonia Evans,
I wanted to take a minute to thank you from the bottom of my heart! I truely feel that the work you do to educate and support people on narcissistic abuse is so wonderful! I can personally say that you saved my life Melanie!
I had not even heard the word narcissist before. I only knew something was very very wrong. I thought I was going crazy and I also thought my life was not worth living. I felt like the most worthless person ever. All I could do was cry all day.
Thank God I happened upon your videos on the internet and started watching a couple every night. With your help I was able to realize what was going on in my fairly new relationship and get rid of that person. Oh yes! It is near impossible to get rid if a narcissist, but I followed your advise and am happy to say my life is sooo much better! Thank you! Much love!
Hi Brenda,
please know how welcome you are, and I’m so pleased that my videos have helped.
Sending love, healing and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie
I am in South Africa and your emails etc have really helped me.
I wondered if you could offer some advice. During my marriage I inherited a substantial amount of money. Naturally my husband, over 5 years, managed to take control of the funds, buy property in his name and even lose a lot gambling on the Stock Market.
In our courts this would be seen as me ‘gifting’ him the money. Obviously it was never intended to be a gift and my understanding was that it was still my money invested in his name for ‘tax’ purposes.
What would you suggest my legal team do to get a judge/magistrate to rule in my favour?
Any tips?
Hi Harriet,
I truly do not know of the legal recourse.
All in know, in regard to getting favourable dealings and results with narcissists and courts, is to heal ourselves.
Meaning, let go of the trauma and fear and reset to peace and inner calm and solidness, then usually the BEST just organically unfolds. All the RIGHT pieces fall into place, with the irony being, we don’t need them to to feel well, because the inner peace is established unconditionally anyway.
Such is the power of Quantum Law – so within, so without. The outside must shift to match our inner experience – always. Yet we can’t need the outer experience to grant the inner experience. Hence why true inner healing is needed to embody that state.
That is what my area of expertise is.
I hope that this makes sense.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie , I find your programme and comments really helpful , I was with a full-blown narcissist for 30 years before the Penny finally dropped , we weren’t married , we were friends or so I thought , I can’t believe I have been so slow to GET IT !! My family never liked him but still I thought he was wonderful, he tried to isolate me from family and did unmentionable damage but still struts about refusing to believe that he IS the problem . Unreal . It’s so interesting that you suggest healing from within , I realize I was just an open book ripe for a narc to take advantage of and he did . I am nowhere near ready to date again, I realize that I have work to do and just want to say thank you for pointing this out , I never realized these people existed , I do now !!