There’s a deeper story playing out in your sexual relationship with a narcissist.
Everything may have felt great at the beginning – the attraction and connection was probably intense and almost immediate. This person was everything you’ve always desired.
They made you feel like the center of the universe.
I’ve felt like that too because the intensity of the chemistry with my ex was so huge.
Then … everything changed.
If you have found yourself under the narcissist’s sexual spell and can’t understand how to get out of this predicament, today’s Thriver TV video is for you.
I will tell you three stories and reveal the true sexual and spiritual narrative that’s really playing out so you can protect yourself from getting caught up sexually with a narcissist in the future.
Video Transcript
Today, we’re going to talk about sex. How narcissists treat you sexually, why do they do what they do, how it can be so devastating and extremely damaging for you. How you can get out of these predicaments and ensure that you’re never going to go through them again, and how you can know how not to get caught up with a narcissist sexually in the future.
Now, I’m going to explain this today to you in real-life stories, but just before I do, remember, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel, I’d love you to do and like and share this video if you really resonate with it.
Jean and Hamish
We’re going to get into today’s storytelling because I think it’s going to help you a lot. We’re going to go through a story of Jean and Hamish.
Jean met Hamish and she was instantly attracted to him. He was handsome, successful, and charming. After the first date, she was really hoping and praying that he would take her out again, and he did. Before long, they ended up in bed, and she started to have a relationship with him.
Hamish took a lot more from Jean, a lot more of her energy and her attention than he gave. She wanted more time with him than he did with her. She started to feel like a golfing widow because Hamish was often away with his work colleagues and his friends, and he’d go away for extended long weekends and all sorts of stuff.
She, understandably, wanted a lot more emotional connection and she wanted sexual intimacy with Hamish. At the start, the sex had been great.
Hamish started to make excuses. He was detaching from her. And it wasn’t just about their horizontal relationship. Jean wanted to socialize and she wanted him to join in her life with her, and all sorts of things.
He wasn’t keen to do that. He wanted to do his own thing and he would also get very jealous and controlling if she wanted to spend time with her friends and socialize. Then he started accusing her of not being able to be trusted. And she tried to desperately assure him that she was trustworthy.
It was down the track that Jean found out the terrible truth. She’d suspected it for a while when he had accused her of being insecure and being ridiculous. Anyway, she found out, point blank, that Hamish had been having casual affairs behind her back during their entire five-year relationship.
When she caught him out in a way that he could not deny it and flip it back on her and accuse her of being insecure and jealous, and all that stuff, Hamish embarked on a terrible smear campaign when she left him, which added incredible insult to injury.
Jean had to go through a deep recovery. And what had been so hard for her was because she’d felt so sexually attracted to him, more so than she had anybody ever. Even though he then started withholding, the chemical connection she felt to him was so intense, and she felt like this was her twin flame, which I know a lot of you have experienced. I’ve felt like that too because the connection and the attraction was so huge.
So, what was really going on here? That’s the surface story. That’s what happened. But what was the deeper story? We’re going to get to that. But before we do, we’re going to go to our next couple and our next story, which is Andy and Sarah.
Andy and Sarah
Andy met Sarah, and he was so astounded and flattered that somebody so attractive, intelligent, and sensual could be interested in him. Andy immediately fell for Sarah, and she stayed over the very first night that they met and a whirlwind romance began.
Andy fell hook, line, and sinker for Sarah. Why wouldn’t he? The sex was so passionate and exciting. She was beautiful. And he was smitten.
Not long after that, Andy started to find out that Sarah had many issues in her life. She had drama at work. There was all these issues with her family. And he discovered that she had heaps of debt, unpaid registration on her car, and her life was really disheveled. And Andy felt like he really loved her and he wanted to help, so soon he was mopping up all of Sarah’s messes.
When she got kicked out of her apartment because she hadn’t paid the rent, he asked her to move in with him. When Andy wanted to talk about her problems and sort them out, Sarah just wanted to have sex. And he was a guy so he did.
Andy was still under her spell so he kept giving her money and sorting out her stuff, and he was giving her a soft place to land. He thought he was really helping her and doing the right thing.
Then Andy’s business, his own business, he went through a time of repositioning and it was tough. He lost a lot of contracts. The money flow was tight. And Andy told Sarah that he couldn’t do the dinners out, and the weekends away, and give her extra money for now. Sarah started pulling back. The sex dried up.
Two weeks later, she told him that she was having feelings for a man that she met at her work. Andy was devastated and he tried to reason with her. Sarah did have the affair and she tearfully told him, and she even moved in with this new guy.
Andy tried to win her back. And she came back, and then she kept seeing this guy as well, and then she came back. After two and a half years of Andy being ripped apart by her affairs, he finally had to let go of her to stop the agony and heal himself.
Initially, it was tough because Sarah kept playing with him and reeling him back in, like a cat with a mouse, until he finally held No Contact.
So, that’s the surface story of what happened in the real world with him and her, but what was really going on under the surface? I’m going to explain soon. Before I do that, I’m going to share this last story about Jen and Christopher.
Jen and Christopher
Jen met Chris at gym. They were friends for a few weeks, and then Christopher asked her out. A relationship developed where Jen really believed she’d met the one. They shared similar values. They had the same health interests and outlooks. They were eating the same kind of meals, and they loved hanging out and working out together.
But the sex felt really strange to Jen though. It was kind of disconnected, robotic, and she felt strangely empty afterwards. She started to notice that the compliments that Chris was giving her about her body and her looks and her physique kind of now felt off for her. Why didn’t he ask her about her day? Why wasn’t he in the slightest interested in her life, her business, or her feelings?
It seemed he was only connecting to her through comments about her physicality and what she wore. Any conversation about anything else she discovered, was nearly impossible. She tried to get him to appreciate more about her and get more involved in her inner world and her life. But he just didn’t have the capacity or the desire to do this.
The more she asked for this, the more he pushed back, and he told her that him appreciating her beauty should be what mattered, and wouldn’t every woman want this. The sex wasn’t just mechanical and unsatisfying. It was also often quite dysfunctional. And Jen then discovered the sordid truth. Christopher was a porn addict. He didn’t know how to relate to soulful or meaningful sex or her heart, and he didn’t have a desire to. What was that really about? We’re going to check that out after we dissect our first two couples.
The True Sexual Story
We’re going to get into the true sexual/spiritual story of what’s really going on here and we need to do this because, as Thrivers, we take our power back to heal where we’re handing over power. And as always, the real inquiry is not what happened to me which would lead us into researching narcissists endlessly for hours. The real Thriver inquiry is why did this happen to me?
Let’s check out Jean and Hamish. How did Jean get hooked into a relationship with Hamish? How did that happen?
She did what we all do. It was chemical attraction. She met him. She wanted to get asked out. He asked her out. On the surface, he looked amazing and she fell straight into a relationship. The chemical attraction, he ticked the boxes, but she didn’t take her time to get to know him.
Her inner love code – it’s the same for all of us – we all have our traumas and our painful stuff that is how we’ve related to relationship, and it comes through our genetic material, our families, our childhoods, our early relationships, and it’s usually a pattern. Our inner love code is a pattern until we heal it.
What had happened for her, in Jean’s family life, she felt small, invisible, irrelevant, and even though she was beautiful, talented, and she had so much to offer, her inner love code was – the people I love are unavailable to me. She’d also suffered her mum’s trauma as a result of the infidelity of her father. So, all of this was “normal” love to her.
Hamish was like so many narcissists. He had no concept of loyalty, conscience, and monogamy. Why worry about those things when narcissistic supply is the name of the game?
For Sarah, no matter what he did, she was in that relationship, feeling an incredible sexual attraction and love for him. Even when she found out about the affairs, initially, she tried to reason with him. She tried to fix him. She tried to change him until she realized the truth – that nothing changes if nothing changes, and the only person that we ever have the power to change is ourselves, specifically our inner being, our inner love code.
So, when she let go of trying to fix and change him and actually turned in to fix and change her inner love code and healed it, then not only did she get free of him, she got free of the pattern of more of him.
Now, let’s have a look at Andy and Sarah, and what’s going on with Andy here. And again, which is normal in dating and things like that, he went for attraction. Sarah was beautiful. She was into him. She was his dream girl.
But he didn’t get to know her at a respectful pace. He didn’t date platonically. He fell straight into bed with her and into a whirlwind romance with her, rather than standing back and dating her, and wooing her at a respectful pace, and getting to see who the person is, who the character is.
What he had going on in his inner love code from his childhood programming was – the women I love are damaged and need rescuing. His mum had had addictions. She’d also had depression. So, as he was growing up as a little boy, he was trying to fix his mum and he was trying to rescue his mum which, of course, is going to bring women in like that.
This is one of the programs that many beautiful, thriving men in our community have had this going on. Of course, Sarah, like many narcissistic women, could hook him through her looks and her sexual appeal. She could use sex to get what she wanted. So, that’s what was going on here.
Andy was trying to fix her and sort out her life so that she would be safe enough to love him. Really, he was playing out these unmet, unhealed wounds of hoping that he could save his mother this time.
It wasn’t until Andy could let go of why he was so connected to Sarah, and so in love with her and couldn’t let her go initially, even with all of the affairs that she was having because he was trying to fix this damaged woman to be safe enough so that she could love him. It wasn’t until he realized that that equals how to lose every time, it’s Wrong Town, he had to let go of her and heal that inner love code.
Last but not least in our sexual dissection of intimate partner patterns here and how it can go on, we had Jen and Chris. And again, Jen, she didn’t have an idea about how to date and get to know somebody platonically before getting involved with them. So, she was in a relationship with Christopher and she didn’t realize that she was being objectified. At first, it was really flattering that he told her she was hot, and sexy, and beautiful, and things like this.
Now, this is really interesting when we get down to sexual objectification. Jen had grown up in a family where how she looked and what she accomplished was so much more important than her feelings or what was going on in her inner world.
She was told if she was ever sad or upset, “Oh, just don’t think about it and get on with it.” And be perfect. Be perfect. Get it done. Get this accomplishment done, whatever.
So, Jen also was very hard on herself and she demanded more and more excellence, and perfection, and performance, hence why she was pretty much an obsessive gym junkie. And her inner love code was – the people who love me treat me as an object, and the people who love me will only love me if I’m perfect.
Many a narcissist objectifies their sexual partners and can’t connect with them at a deep intimacy, which is “into-me-see”, a deep emotional level. And we can’t actually allow that into our life and participate with it unless we have accepted and connected with ourselves at a deep, emotional level, warts and all.
For a narcissist to objectify somebody, it’s very helpful for them because they want to keep separated. They don’t want true connection.
Of course, her inner love code, the same as all of us, is – we’re connected to the people that match the inner love code. The people who love me objectify me. The people who love me aren’t interested in my emotional world. I’m only loved if I’m perfect.
So, he was a perfect match, hence why she hung on, clung on, and she tried to force him to get it to change until she realized, again, it’s Wrong Town. It’s never going to work until she let go and knew what she needed to do. She needed to heal this pattern.
In Conclusion
In conclusion to today’s stories, I hope that this has given you insight. I tried to cover three of the major stories so that you … And also cater to guys too because I want you to know, the beautiful guys here in our community, they need help as well. This is not a gender issue. It happens to all of us.
I really hope that this has helped you understand what can be going on in traumatic sexual relationships, where you’re being cheated on, whether you’re being manipulated to hand over stuff, or you’re being objectified so that you know, first of all, it’s so important to take your time to date respectfully, to get to know people, get past the chemical connection component, and be very clear that if you feel really like oh my god, this is like my twin flame, this could be your painful love code showing itself.
Get to know a person’s character and also heal yourself beyond that love code so you know your values and your boundaries, and how we powerfully catapult into that level of being able to be a healthy, empowered dater is by healing the painful inner traumas.
My highest recommendation always is to really seek out and heal your painful inner love code from traumatic relationships that you’ve suffered from your genetic programs, your childhood, and your painful adult relationships with NARP – which is the most powerful way you can do that.
For those of you who may have heard about NARP or you’re interested in my Quanta Freedom Healing system, I’d love you to come into my free workshop because you’ll have a Quanta Freedom Healing that you go through and you get to feel – and you get it explained to you – how to powerfully heal your inner love code from the inside out.
And how, rather than decades of therapy and all that stuff, when you heal the Quanta way, it’s nothing like that. You can heal in timeframes that will stun you and make it possible for you to be the person who you choose to be, enter and retain healthy, safe, and truly fulfilling relationships.
I’d love to hear from you about this episode in the comments below. Do you relate to any of these stories? Do you know what your love pattern and your inner painful love code may be? Where are you on your healing journey with breaking free from this? It’s going to be a great conversation.
My experience was different than these stories. I was made to do degrading sexual things. If I didn’t I was made to feel worthless, compared to exes who supposedly enjoyed what he wanted or punished if I didn’t do what he wanted.
Hi! I Can only leave a comment as a reply so here it goes 😁
I find the timing for this article is perfect and once again I’m so happy to have Melanie’s wisdom and insight in my life.
I just finished a relationship with lots of this kind of sexual behaviour. It was a long distance one…. anyway, now to heal with QFH, hands down the best healing method I’ve ever known!!!
That’s so great Nury that NARP has helped you so much!
Blessings to you and I’m so thrilled that you made it out to the other side
Mel 🙏💕💚
Another thing about narcissistic sex…In my situation and 15 years of marriage, I couldn’t initiate sex. He had to be in control. When I tried, he wasn’t able to perform. I got out and fell back into another toxic relationship-I am out of that now too and find myself being very reluctant to trust again.
My Narc would go on this flow of good for 2 weeks then back to neglecting me. The discarding and triangulation. Coloring me to other women. Telling me how crappy of a woman I am. I’d leave. He’d come back doing all the things I’ve ever wanted with ease. He didn’t really pour into me often or ask questions to get to know me. He’d do just enough to give me hope.
Then there’s sex. It was great! I honestly think that is all he wanted. He’d pull me back in for that. Then he’d begin to withhold it. I’m assuming for control. It was the most traumatic experience ever.
Can you help me? I need to find a therapist like you that can help me debunk the myths in my head. Halo?
Hi Deanna,
I don’t know of other people who work with Quanta freedom Healing, and I am such a fan of the deep inner work for trauma rather than trying to get logical, cognitive therapy.
My greatest recommendation for you is to check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
To find out more about NARP come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar , it will explain so much to you about how you can heal, and what to do to heal.
I hope that this can help you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much to Melanie. This information is always eerily timely and a life line to keep me attached to healing. I moved out from the narc only 3 months ago, he cheated and of course there were signs but also lie after lie after lie. They must be so skilled at it as their whole presentation is a lie. I am so grateful that there is true understanding from other victims because it is almost like he lives out of a narcissist play book. A question I have, I don’t see mentioned too often but I wonder how many others have experienced the narc using masturbation as a means of control. My narc was constant with it like a teenager at the age of late 40’s to late 50’s. This with an interested partner light there living in the house with him! It was maddening mostly because there was never a discussion about how it made me feel, he would always just say “you know I do that”. Then at age 56 he cheats with a girl age 23 saying he “felt sorry for her”. I do wonder how common it is for others who have been with the narc to have them use chronic masturbation as a control tactic?
Mine did it, too. (All of them, actually.) Same thing- It was all the time, we lived together, still cheated on top of it, then left for a younger partner. I think the chronic masturbation ties into being a porn addict.
Absolutely April, I agree.
It’s sex addiction.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Lynn, I was with a Narc for 3 years. He’d use my body for his porn moves and the fantasy in his head. I was just a receptacle. No depth or loving connection, it was truly just a sex act for him.
We had sex 1-2x a week, and he masterbated to porn 3-5x a week. (We didn’t live together and spent weekends together). Sometimes he’d have sex with me and 3 hours later get out his laptop for porn. And here’s me craving intimacy. I asked him why and he said “there will always be masterbation because one person will never fulfill all sexual needs”. I don’t know what that even means. We are both late 40’s, and he used to brag “I’ve out-fu**ed all my friends”, he s had a lot of sex partners. But of course at the time none of it bothered me. Now 18 months out, I think he’s disgusting, pathetic and classless.
So yes, the two (and last) Narcs I dated were really into masterbation. The other one from a while ago and he wasn’t into porn though. Both of them withheld affection to the point I felt there was something wrong with me since they liked doing it themselves, and they knew that and could have cared less.
Mine did that too and would announce it. It was almost as if he was letting me know that he had a sexual life away from me (we didn’t live together) It was flaunting the fact that sex wasn’t something intimate between us – he had his own sex life going on with himself and the minute he was on his own he could talk like a teenager about masturbation. I just took it to be some emotional immaturity/crassness but it’s always 20/20 hindsight that gives us the best view.
My ex was like a masterbating chimp. It was corrosive to my boundaries as he would choose to masterbate in front of me as an expression of “you make me fo this. This is your fault” weapon.
It was an imposition that turned me off of sex for 2 years. He was porn addicted and leaning towards wanting to reenacte porn dynamic which is full of aggression and degradation. He was whacked not just in his pants but my God, how he related sexually was a mess. Objectifying type of sex and inability to reach orgasm with intimacy or a connection, impossible.
Hi Lynn,
you are very welcome.
Gosh! That’s not normal, healthy adult behaviour when with a partner.
The bottom line sweetheart, is if someone assaults your soul (and that would many people) then leave, heal, don’t look back and never accept it as okay again.
Keep healing … and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
My narc husband masturbates few times a day (he is 50 something), but he’s witholding sex with me for weeks, sometimes months. In the beginning we had sex 5 times a day, or more… but, yes, even then it felt mechanical and unsatisfying 🙁 with him I lost my sex drive completely.
I can’t believe I’ve found others like me. Omg, I’m in tears right now. My ex used sex to reel me back in over and over. The cheating, lies, and emotional abuse caused me to have a nervous breakdown where I had a suicide attempt. He masturbated on the phone when I called him to come get me from the hospital. It has taken the last 3 years to finally leave him and I am now in the middle of a sexual harassment suit against him as we work in the same place and he is constantly trying to coerce me into sex because he feels I owe him one last time. I’m terrified and not sure I’m going to make it through this. I carry Melanie’s book with me everywhere like a Bible.
Mine was very similar to story 1. He gave me his all sexually at the beginning, more than any other man–i. e. oral sex for hours–and then pulled away. He suddenly wouldn’t return texts for days. Things felt off after we went away together–I felt like other woman had been in the cabin that I rented for us when he insisted I leave him alone there for hours every day of the week we were there to “study” (he quit school soon after, incidentally)–so I dumped him with no explanation and he sent me a word salad e-mail, admitting he was on a dating site and blaming me for making him feel insecure (I didn’t). I never replied and then he admitted in another word salad e-mail that he had been on the site for most of our relationship. I didn’t reply and he texted me. I blocked his # but he called from an “unknown caller” phone–which he admitted to setting up on purpose (after initially lying and saying it was his brother’s)–and I answered because I thought it was a friend who needed help at the time. He then lured me back in with his promises and not long after that, the withholding began. He would seem happy to see me BUT send me away quickly and dismissively without any physical contact. I was clearly angry and barely texted for weeks after ’til he finally asked, “should I bother to keep contacting you?” I often fantasize/wish that I had said no… he had been planning to leave me all along and move away only a month or two later. Likely with someone else. Even though I told him I didn’t want to get back together if he was simply going to move away again in January! But he lied about it, I took him back, and he moved away again anyway. He still torments me in texts from who-knows-where as he roams freely around the country, although I told him I don’t want a long-distance connection. Truly a ruiner. He has an avoidant attachment style and only expresses love or sends photos if he is 1000s of miles away (a friend of mine thinks he’s lying about being away, too). Like the first example above, he didn’t want to see me often, perhaps once every three weeks. Beware!
Another form of sexual expression with a narcissist that I have experienced is the sexual punishment (rough sex). I had been suspicious of his behaviour with other women for some time and had addressed this many times with him, only to be told it was ‘all in my head’ and there was ‘nothing going on’. I didn’t understand why he was being so rough with me, until my suspicions were confirmed, that he had been and still was in sexual relationships with multiple women and I had questioned him.
After being sucked back in twice since 2018, we have been separated for 10 months now and in the throws of divorce. We had been together 41 years (married 36).
The most important thing here for me is to set an example to both of my children who are adults, that this behaviour is completely unacceptable. They should neither accept it from someone else nor should they be treating others that way. Both are extremely aware now, having seen how it’s impacted on me and broken our family.
Thank you Melanie for highlighting this issue.
The beginning was connected and mutual. There was a desire to care for and please each other. But it quickly evolved to me meeting all of his needs and desires, whenever he wanted me and him ignoring mine. And then he claimed that “we never have sex anymore.” He would turn his back to me at night and ignore me. But when I challenged him on that and reminded him that I always take care of him and there is no reciprocity, he said he no longer found me attractive (and I am no ugly duckling) and could he have a girlfriend. I was devastated. But I continued to meet his needs. Even to the end when he ignored and discarded me I was still offering a sexual experience for him. He claims he was faithful to me but it was all part of his narrative along with some porn.
When I read “he would turn his back to me at night and ignore me”, I gasped. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. Omg. I would just slink off to the spare room and cry. It was absolute torture.
The same happened to me. It was so beautiful in the beginning, love and sex and cuddling- and then the cold shoulder. In the end he always slept on the sofa, even if i begged him to come to bed…
Yes, it’s devastating, soul crashing… 🙁 After years of despair, I don’t care now. I’m still married to him. I gather the courage to leave.
I can relate. He kept me in the dark for years, told me I am insecure, dramatic, I need therapy in order to be good enough for him to marry me.. and I did.. until I found out he was married and had a different life…I was so stupid, he still doesn’t let me go because apparently now, I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Healing is hard..
Mine would have sex and then jump out of bed and shower as if I was disgusting and he needed to wash me off. He wouldn’t speak to me for days after we had sex. There was ever any foreplay. We divorced and he got remarried very quickly afterwards
That’s so awful Rose!
Big hugs and love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’m glad I discover this lady that can help and everybody’s so honest comments. If the lady has a book, pls share the title and where to get it. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences. They form us. Give us predispositions, right or wrong. In just reading some of the laydie’s comments and then comments from you lady readers, I have already learned and want to go on learning. I hope some lady will reach back. Yes, I was dismayed by my exhusband, master batting EVERY MORNING and leaving his GLUE everywhere. I have a feeling that MOST men are selfish.
It was so demeaning. I gave him everything I had to meet his needs and once he was satisfied i was on my own. Take care of him and then take care of myself because he wouldn’t. And to think that I NEVER left him unfinished through all of that is so painful. And how dare he complain to me that “we never have sex anymore……..”
Oh gosh so painful Michelle,
the way it can be twisted!
Big hugs and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
My first ex narc was the porn addict. Degraded me and forced me to do degrading things. Bought me sex toys I didn’t want and even controlled what underwear I bought. He told me I should be grateful he fancied me so much – I found out much later he was having multiple affairs. Even on the day my daughter was born he went out to “celebrate” with friends and ended up with another girl.
So when I met my second narc (currently divorcing) sex seemed more loving experience as he wasn’t so heavily into it … i ignored the fact it was over very quickly and he put no effort into it. It was always me initiating it too so I felt like it was my fault he didn’t fancy me and I was rejected so many times in the end I stopped bothering to try and in the last few years we had zero intimacy at all. He was a cold fish sexually I even suspected he was gay for a while and yet I knew he masterbated sometimes to female images. He never gave me compliments but complimented other women, it broke me.
Hi Sharon,
sending you healing and love after these painful experiences.
You deserve true and beautiful love.
Mel 🙏💕💚
My ex narcissist was my first lesbian lover. My sexual love affair with her grew but ended there. She didn’t have the ability to listen to my emotional feelings about anything. And if I told her that I needed her to just listen, she would become upset and blame me for her becoming upset. It was twisted and toxic and after time I thought that I should bring her into therapy with me. A couple weeks would be good between us but again all it took for her to blow up at me would be a normal conversation, I began studying about the narcissist personality disorder. BINGO!
In the beginning of the 3 year relationship with her, I was wondering if her behaviors were a”lesbian” thing because she would say “if you think that I’m bad, lesbian women are not what you want.”
Hi Leonell,
please know “narcissistic” is not male, female, gay or straight ..
It just is!
Sending you healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
I identify with the first 2. I married a narcissist one year after meeting him. My love code is that of wanting to prove myself and to be seen as worthy. Since Covid we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms and I started accepting that I brought that person to me through my past relationships. I grew up wanting to make my mother proud, even though she never was. Whenever I made a decision she didn’t like, I was treated very badly, she would ignore me or keep me in my room. So I was used to people pleasing, allowing myself to be mistreated because I had no self worth.
I have been reinforcing my boundaries with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I no longer give him his supply. Even though I have been declared medically disabled, I am stronger than ever. I am reading stories about narcissist and how to move on and live. These stories have given me so much inspiration for myself. I am almost there. I just need a little more help.
Hi Jennifer,
you are an inspiration!
Sending you love and healing and I’m so pleased that you are a part of this wonderful community.
All our love and strength … to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Good video, Melanie. Use of sex to control is a big red flag of the narcissist.
Absolutely Calamity!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I felt so confused and emotionally detached sexually and knew from beginning he was a damaged soul but tried to help him in all sorts of ways but just ended up hurting myself. My dear old narc was also was a porn addict and expected rough sex on demand mainly doggie style (think this was so he didn’t have to look at my face and to imagine so many others). I’m also not a bad looking gal and it was just so demoralising but I went along with everything he wanted. I was so determined to make it work which is ridiculous looking back, because we had such a strong connection and we used to go out a lot and party, although he used to notice other women and stare all the time which made me feel so unwanted and used to think I’d leave soon but ended up staying together for twelve years as I was a weekend girl for first seven but eventually we moved into a new house together for last five which was just torture. He had ocd too and expected the house to be immaculate and dinner on the table – he would arrive home and go straight upstairs then come down and I’d be on eggshells waiting for criticism or he would cause arguments after I’d kiss and cuddle him and all I got was abuse. I blame myself for allowing someone to abuse me so badly and not sure why but I’d just try to show more love and the worse he would be. I’ve learned a very very hard lesson but I have our young daughter who is my ray of sunshine and although he visits which is still difficult at times with nasty comments etc, I’ve learned to walk away instead of engaging at the door so this does not damage my daughter. I’m now loving my free life for nearly two years with just myself and my child without anyone accusing me of affairs or playing mind games/control and just glad to be me. I will never allow this to happen again, not just for my sake but most importantly my little girl.
Big hugs to you Dani,
It’s beautiful you are leading the way for you and your daughter,
So much love and blessings to you both
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks so much Mel – I used to read your site leading up to leaving where I researched his type of behaviour and I was not in a good place. It finally all made sense of the terrible situation and I’m still doing lots of soul searching and found that your videos gave me the strength to realise how important it is to deserve real love ❤️ 🙏
Very informative. Great overview.
Thank you Stephen!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My story is a little bit different I think, and I am still reeling from it, its very complex and complicated, and way too long to get into here.
Basically I have been with my partner for 35 years, in what I thought was an honest relationship, we had a child etc.. He is a writer, and my best friend is also a writer and student of his, behind my back they had an intense relationship, which only came to light because her husband got suspicious and set up a camera, and it gets worse, and complex and pretty bad. My very best friend and birthday twin and my long term partner, completely did me over. I haven’t got a problem with who I am, and surprisingly after 4 months of horrendous gaslighting, cruelty, and it goes on, have become strong in myself, and I can cope, but he still wont leave me in peace, and has threatened suicide etc. It is unbelievable what he says to me about her, he is besotted with her, but she wont leave her husband, but just wants to carry on with him. Anyway thats enough, and its not going to end well. I am very grateful to be able to listen to these talks, they have been very helpful, and I would like to join the community but haven’t the funds as he has cut off my money.
My heart goes out to you Pamela,
please know ABSOLUTELY that story has presented many times in this community.
Big hugs and I want you to know that you are not alone, we understand.
Sending you healing and breakthroughs to your True Self and being able to cut him out and honour you.
Mel 🙏💕💚
My experience is with two narcissist. With first I was with him 6 years. In and out. When he came back the sex was very excited but he never give me oral pleasure or try to satisfy me. It was all about him. I december sleeping in the same bed with him and feeling like the cold wind is coming to my heart. I was dieing with him inside me. When he asked me to marry him I said no. And left everything. I was alone for a long time and then met a wonderful man. As sex is important to me I was amazed that he practice tantra. Our sex was something I never felt before. He gave me oral pleasure for hours. We were making love for 5 hours. And then it starts. He start to compare me with other women during the sex. Or he start to presure me to have orgasm all the time. When I was the most vulnerable during the sex he start to bully me. And then he withdrove. It was enough for me. I left him. I left the story od the prince who will save me. I will save myself. And today I know that I am love and I deserve love.
That is so great Veronika that you honoured you.
Wishing you love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💚
Keep searching for your Prince
Thank you Melanie. My experience is that the narcissist, being empty does not have consistent sexual needs or wants. They are driven by the need to control. Once the love bombing phase is over then the narcissist will do what they have to in order to achieve this. If the partner enjoys sex and has a strong sex drive the narcissist will withdraw and withhold. If the partner is not fussed about or not really interested in sex then the narcissist will make constant demands for sex or push practices their partner is not comfortable with. The narcissist is perfectly capable of changing behaviour with different partners, doing whatever is necessary to control because that is their real need.
Hi Paul
My Narc is well aware I have a high sex drive so atm he is withdrawing. I have to initiate every time. It leaves you feeling extremely low self esteem and craving intimacy. In the beginning we seemed to match perfectly now it’s like hell. I’m doing all the giving
Well said & observed Paul! Thank you Melanie for broaching this important topic and explaining the underbelly of these twisted behaviours.
You are absolutely right Paul. They are the “Control chameleons”. They will be all things to all people in the love bombing stage yet in discard /limited attention span boredom / incapable of intimacy stage they will punish and blame to deflect from their inadequacies to show-up as real people. Stockholm syndrome is set-up and unfortunately the open hearted “real” person partner has been deliberately trapped. It’s almost like they (the Narcs) are challenging you to wake-up to their manipulations and treat them with reverse psychology & become part of their toxic dance with reality to forever play cat & mouse. Yuk! Who can be bothered. They are a waste of time. Thanks Melanie & NARPers for the depth of understanding.
Ohyes from the word go and l didnt realize also pornograpy it made me feel sick to my stomach.
This is so familiar to my story. Melanie you explain the obvious and for some reason it takes me awhile to grasp the stuff but once I have it I cant believe how easy it is to understand and spot it. The sex with my narc was very pleasing but as soon as I was hooked, he didnt want to have sex with me but wanted to lay beside me and masterbate. There was always a suspicion that he was into porn and wrote short stories that were always very sexual. He didnt like me to touch him so it was never equal. My love code was , never to expect much and I could fix him and try and change him. Im so glad to be out of the relationship. Even though I found out he was living a double life after 20 years and he begged forgiveness. I took him back but he met someone else six months later who he married. He walked out on our daughter , (the other woman had a daughter the same age). I am so glad to look at my behaviour to see why I stayed for so long , its not all plain sailing but the best thing he did was leave , I just didnt have the strenght. I love the peace and tranquility and truth of my life. Its a process. Melanie you have helped me enormously to find myself. Virtual hugs.
This is very true. At first, it was the best sexual relationship I had ever had. I even cut off others to be only with him. I thought he was everything I wanted and we were both in the same level with frequency and passion. Then one morning, I cuddle him and try to initiate sex and he rages at me saying he suddenly doesn’t want to have sex until marriage “even if that isn’t to you!” I didn’t realize how manipulative he was being. I understood the reasoning behind it as I was raised in the Christian faith so initially I was agreeable and just had issues with him making such a drastic change to our relationship without my consent or a mutual conversation. I felt insecure and uncomfortable because we lived together and it took 6 months of him accusing me of being a sec fiend before I even got a conversation with him about new boundaries. Then we moved into an apartment where our female neighbor expressed sexual interest in us both. All of a sudden, all of his celibacy was thrown out the window! He tried pressuring me into threesomes with her even talked ab the sex toys he made me throw away. He wanted to watch her with me but I refused and when I tried to talk to him about the sudden change to his beliefs he raged at me and the abuse finally turned physical. I’m pretty traumatized by the whole thing and now want NOTHING to do with sex. I went back to our apt less than a week after I left to collect some things and found her underwear in my dresser drawer. The way narcissists behave is so hard to even fathom. I’m glad that I saw through his BS and didn’t let him put me in uncomfortable sexual situations I didn’t want. These people are sick and need serious help.
Hi Sarah,
Wow that’s up there with the most twisted narc sex stories!
So pleased for you, that you are out of there.
Sending you healing and much love and big hugs
Mel 💖🌷🙏
Ouch! “And he was a guy so he did.”
(Andy and Sarah ..When Andy wanted to talk about her problems and sort them out, Sarah just wanted to have sex. And he was a guy so he did.)
I’m a “guy”, I can say no, and I have done so. (And so I did not.) A joy, being able to say no in context.
Sharing..loving! Thankyou Melanie!!!
Gosh, yes sorry Bill,
It was a tongue in cheek comment!
Many women also have high sex drives.
I do also totally know there are guys who can think rather than just succumb.
Thank you for pointing this out.
Cheers
Mel 💖🌷🙏
Absolutely cheers Melanie! Life is soooo vibrant! Your knowledgible words are a continuous source of light for me! We originate in love..you have made known so wonderfully this understanding to me. Thankyou!
Bless you Bill!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Your knowledgeable words..too!
I can understand the pain that can be caused by a man presenting himself as someone he is not or the damage done with manipulation and withholding intimacy from your partner. No one wants to feel that Sex is the only reason that their partner see’s worth in having a relationship with them.
I can also say that there is a “beast” within us that is going to eat. How we choose to feed this beast has a direct cause>effect dynamic on our entire relationship. If we choose to feed the beast at home with our significant other, wether that includes some porn on the TV, or if master-baiting is a turn on to both you and your partner, then by all means I encourage you to accept and even enjoy it. Work with your partner not against, if they need to jerk off, ask them to let you watch, talk dirty to them as they do, touch yourself watching them, even ask if they are thinking about that hot lady you saw at the grocery. Tell him to describe it in detail, ask questions regarding the scene playing out in his head. I can say that the more interest shown, the more intimate other times of our sex life it will be. When you feel safe with the person and can share without fear of judgement, suddenly that bond is significantly stronger than previous relationships, suddenly you feel like you have been blessed beyond your wildest dreams with a person who accepts you and is even turned on by you. Nothing feels better than feeling that your accepted and loved no matter what filth may pass through your mind. Is it not ok to enjoy doggy style even if it’s a little rough? I love spanking her ass and calling her degrading names on occasion but that does not mean that she is not the love of my life or twin flame, to me that’s one way I know she is my twin flame because she knows that it’s all just part of a sexual desire and i much rather express that desire with the woman I love than find myself in a strange situation, and the “beast” has been starved to death at home, the odds of doing something regrettable goes up by 10x. Or more. Had your partner accepted you and trusted you like what your doing is sexy then the chances of doing anything to screw that up, are slim to none.
Most men enjoy porn. Has nothing to do with being attracted to your partner. Many times I imagine im watching my partner on the screen and nothing is hotter than talking about it with your partner. So, let’s not jump to judging the desires of a man simply for watching porn or doing it doggy style. Encourage, embrace, participate and see where that can get you vs judging and making to feel belittlement for your desires.
https://youtu.be/i_0leP07gHg
Happy to discuss
https://rewardfoundation.org/health/a-supernormal-stimulus/
Yes, most men are like “Any Man” that’s why I myself are traumatised. Together with hundreds of thousands people around the globe. We need healing, to feel safe, loved and protected from any type of phycological or physical harm from our intimate partners. I am not put on this earth to feed/accommodate anyone’s beast. And quite frankly I believe your comment here to be out of place “Any Man”
My story is a little different than these. It confuses me so much, but I’m not sure why. I am in a relationship with my husband of 10 years. He doesn’t speak to me. Doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful. Is so hateful and awful to me and my kids. But expects me to want to have sex. It’s all he can or will talk to me about. It feels like I’m kind of being raped honestly. It breaks my heart.
Hi B,
my heart goes out to you.
First of all, please know there are many people in this community who have or are suffering exactly what you are.
I want you to know that when we are experiencing horrible treatment that bruises our soul, we have to say “this person is not changing, but I can.”
This means speaking up about what you need and want, and if this person is not willing to meet you at that level, there needs to be a consideration about the choices you can make to have a life where you are not feeling like this anymore.
Which may mean leaving.
I know this is so hard, but the other alternative is “what you accept is exactly what you will continue to get.”
Sending your strength, clarity and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
It’s amazing how much I just learned and realized from watching your video. I was adopted by my grandparents at age 1. She was an alcoholic as well as a Narcissist. I watched from a young age all the cheating she done on my adopted dad as well as how quick she could change everything about herself when someone showed up and went right back soon as they left. I was verbally,physically and mentally abused by her. Had a 27 year relationship,married 21 of them with someone I loved and would and did everything I could to make them happy but in the end,a combination of my depression and extreme social anxiety and her being an only child ended in her keeping secrets,lies and gaslighting me. At the end kicked me out. I have to say I took a complete and total mental breakdown but I came to realize,I hadn’t been happy for a number of the last years and I managed to pick up the pieces and move on with the help of many coarses,therapy and needing to be there for my 9 year old daughter. That was over 5 years ago. Get along great with her and coparent well. She has a new man now moved into my home and my garage. Raising my daughter every second week after my whole life of working hard was taken away from me. I walked away with just my belongings just to make sure she wouldn’t be financially strapped causing hardship for them both. I want my daughter to have that house someday so I was making it as easy as possible for them. I also paid child support right up until I got my own place and set up so I could have my daughter every second week. No lawyers involved. We worked out a custody arrangement on paper and had it notarized to make it legal. Now,this is where it gets really bad. I’ve been in an on and off again relationship for a little over 4 years with a very narcissistic woman that has left me totally physically and mentally drained.my self esteem, confidence along with every aspects totally gone. I went 3 months no contact with her but had found out that her mom was in real bad shape so I let my guard down and answered my phone when she called after many attempts and it has been the worst 4 weeks with her in The whole relationship. Silent treatment every Friday until Sunday,mean rude comments if she did message me,lie after lie and come to find out she has been cheating the entire time we were together. I did know about once and because of the way I was raised and what I seen I guess I thought it was ok to forgive her but the whole time with many different people and then to discard me again after just contacting me a month ago after 3 months of no contact,my head is so messed up that I believe I’m worse off than I was 4 months ago. I never ever thought there was someone exactly like the woman that raised me let alone get involved with one….😔
Must add one more thing. It was completely physical for the latest one. Every time I tried to talk something out, sex was her way of avoiding and when I wouldn’t,she would start turning things around and starting arguments so she could give me more silent treatment. It is a never ending cycle. I haven’t spoken to her in 3 days and have her completely blocked on every social media place as well as any other possible way I can.
Stay strong Steven!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Oh gosh yes Steven,
as you can see now the trauma does repeat.
I’d love you to check out my deep inner “straight to the core” work that enables the reversal of these patterns.
Come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where you can find out more about this.
I hope that this can help.
Mel 🙏💕💚
My experience was very much like Andy and Sarah. Sans a few differences, it was pretty much the same story. I felt my entire relationship flash before my very eyes. It’s is quite eye opening to see that my story is not unique and it’s also helps to dig deeper into my inner traumas, that I couldn’t place a finger on. Reading this and seeing how Andy’s inner issues with his mother still play out in his life. For me, it wasn’t so much having to save her because she was very strong and loving, it was her inability to keep her word. She tried as hard as she could but there was oft disappointment, when promises were broken. This explains a lot about why I was willing to take the amount of disappointment, yet feel like that was part of a loving relationship. Looks like I got some new stuff to shift out via the NARP modules.
Yeah I realized Christ wasn’t and never will be into holy rollers, groupies, fanatics, stalkers or clingons. I’m his true ❤️ love, his personal porn star.
Chauvinist pigs🐖 typical of cults. They all start off seeming to be about something like meditation, health, healing or arts or shared spirituality, but they all end up turning out to just be about sex. That’s their obsession???! Cults pretend to have other concerns, but ultimately they want to control your genitals :/ how damn inappropriate and perverse. Our sex lives whatever they are, is no one else’s business. Get your “values” out of my pants!!!
You are spot on. I have been reading your articles for the past 6 months. My husband of 16 years cheated on me and then blamed me. When it came to sex he was all about me. When it came time to just hang out with me he wanted nothing to do with me. I always felt like it was me. From listening to you I now see it wasn’t me. I kicked him out and he got real nasty. He has very little contact with his son. The 3 grandboys (their mother is from another relationship)….he told me he no longer wants to be their poppop. I am not sure if he did this to hurt me or if they just didn’t fit in with his new relationship. I was deeply depressed and couldn’t afford your program. I am so thankful for all your free articles. I do the no contact and that has helped tremendously. I still have rough days but I am now more comfortable with me. I just hope I never make this mistake again. I feel like I wasted 16 years of my life on man who I gave everything to……to end up alone at 51. The good news is…..I am doing ok now. And each day gets better. So thank you so much for putting all of this info out there. I don’t think I would have survived without it. You are truly amazing for sharing this.
I’m not sure if my guy is a narcissistic
He’s sounds like some of these but then not. I’m kinda confused.
What is the name of your book. Would like to order it.
Hi Barbara,
it is You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse.
You can order it here https://www.amazon.com.au/Thrive-After-Narcissistic-Abuse-Relationships-ebook/dp/B07D6BGKVF
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋