Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You And Kind To Everybody Else

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 20
71
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissists can be so lovely, charming, friendly and downright accommodating with everyone else but SO moody, dark, nasty and even cruel to you.

Why is getting the narcissist to do ANYTHING for you near impossible, or when assistance is forthcoming, uses this as a bargaining chip or guilt tool against you?

How can the narcissist in your life treat you like DIRT and other people like GOLD?

If this describes your relationship, then this is a must-read article for you.

You will learn exactly WHY this happens as well as how to escape from the horror of it – forever.

 

So many people shake their head at this.

Why are narcissists so cruel to you and so kind to everyone else?

It really is like living with a Street Angel/Home Devil.

How can this be possible?

And, it may not just be you they are cruel to – it may be the people you care about – such as your children or the family.  You may discover that the narcissist doesn’t give two hoots about them, yet will bend over backwards and grant the world, even to total strangers.

What is this about?

I promise you there are absolute reasons for this – and by reading this article you will know 100% why narcissists are so cruel to you and kind to everyone else!

You will also know, exactly how to heal from the trauma of this and have people flood into your life who do get it, validate you, and know the truth.

In today’s article, I want to start with validating EXACTLY how this feels and how damaging this has been for you.

 

The Trauma of No-One Understanding What Is Really Happening!

I can’t tell you how often, I have heard stories like the one that Caroline shared with me.

This is what she said … Joseph her father was a gloomy, angry tyrant at home, yet all of the neighbourhood loved this apparently jovial, funny and larger than life man.

The following is why she was so upset ….

He was forever helping people out with odd jobs, advice and even going as far as giving the elderly rides to their doctor’s appointments.

Everyone loved him, yet Diana, Caroline’s mother, did not dare ask Joseph for anything from him, because he would argue, bluster, call her terrible names and storm out on her.

Caroline had learnt from a very early age, not to ask her father for anything. It was easier and more peaceful to stay out of his way and hope that he wouldn’t be home. If he ever he did say he would do something for her, it was on his own time (usually far too late) and would never be finished anyway.

Caroline’s school friends told her how wonderful her father was, and how their parents loved having him around. Joseph was regularly invited places and hung out with people. He would much rather do this than spend time with his family – even though of course he told other people about all the supposed things he did for and with them.

Then there was Paul married to June.

June was controlling, angry, jealous and insecure. She demanded Paul’s full allegiance to her and told him repeatedly how their friend’s husbands were granting and caring for their wives much better than he did.

Yet, when Paul and June entertained, she was a gracious, friendly, generous and attentive hostess. She did not argue with Paul or belittle him in public. People used to tell Paul what a beautiful and lovely wife he had, without having any idea what June was like as soon as the last car left their driveway.

She would dissect the evening, criticising, judging and being jealous about what Paul did or didn’t do that evening.

When Paul came forward in this community, completely bewildered, his burning question was: ‘Why is she so cruel to me and so kind to everyone else?’

Of course, it’s terrible when people have no idea who you are really dealing with and may even label you as complaining and out of line when you try to explain facts to them. You may even be pinned as ‘the abusive one’, and told that you should be incredibly grateful for this ‘wonderful’ person in your life.

Maybe you are questioning your own sanity, or wondering whether you must make this person like this!

This is so common in narcissistic abuse, and I know that it’s incredibly likely that you went through this too.

You may have even suffered the terrible confusion of being connected to the Altruistic Narcissist – wondering whether everyone else did have it right and you were the sick one imagining things! After all the Altruistic Narcissist can also be LOVELY as well as incredible CRUEL, at times, to you too!

Okay … I REALLY want to help you with all this horrible confusion (that I lived through too), so let’s look at the REAL reasons why narcissists are so cruel to you and kind to everyone else.

Reasons that are NOT your fault.

 

Reason # 1 – Requiring Constant Narcissistic Supply

It’s all about Narcissistic Supply – the number 1 driver of any narcissist.

A narcissist is a False Self, a consummate actor – being whoever they need to be to get narcissistic supply effectively and efficiently – which means the attention, accolades and acclaim that feeds the empty black hole that is their Inner Being.

Without narcissistic supply, as a drip feed continuously, a narcissist no longer has a buffer to numb out (self-medicate away) the inner screaming wounds of defectiveness, emptiness and feelings of not being worthy of existing.

Which in other words are the by-products of a severely stunted and fractured self-identity, and the resulting dire insecurity of this.

To get their drug (narcissistic supply) on a regular basis, means people providing them attention. To secure ‘prey’ (the food source) means getting people to like and trust them.

It’s so important to understand winning people’s confidence has nothing to do with genuine ‘giving’. The niceties, charitable acts and putting themselves out for people is purely agenda based. The narcissist receives no pleasure from making a difference to people’s lives, he or she is getting a hit of narcissistic supply by getting their ego stroked every time they are told how wonderful they are.

 

Reason # 2 – Familiars Don’t Provide Constant A-Grade Narcissistic Supply

Now you may ask – okay if the narcissist is after narcissistic supply – why are narcissists so cruel to me and kind to everybody else?

Why doesn’t he or she do lovely things for me or my family or my children, to gain narcissistic supply from me?

The answer to this is simple.

You are not going to fawn over the narcissist every time they do something ‘nice’. Mature family or love relationship members know that they are a part of a kind, caring team who naturally does things for each other.

It’s usual that a husband, wife, or other family members will be responsible,  decent and giving without jumping up and down and needing their own personal agenda fulfilled, or having a red carpet rolled out complete with a fanfare every time they do something for someone.

Yes, children and teenagers go through their selfish stages of not wanting to contribute – but this is all a part of learning about responsibility, caring for others and growing up.

Narcissists have never grown up, it is all about them, and it’s not just about selfishness. Narcissists take it a step further, by needing the constant attention and accolades to emotionally survive.

People outside of familiars offer a fertile hunting ground for this.

Narcissists know that to retain these many sources of supply, they can’t be nasty to them. Things are different with familiars who the narcissist has hooked to them – family members, love partners or the like – he or she knows they can treat them abysmally and they will still hang around.

With an outside source of supply, if the narcissist is not getting enough of a hit of narcissistic supply, rather than rip shreds off these people, they will just slink away and chase up the next target for it.

And because these sources may dry up, then the narcissist is on the hunt, always, for more.

Now let’s further investigate why narcissists are so cruel to you and kind to everybody else.

Especially the cruel part …

 

Reason # 3 – Punishing You For Not Providing A-Grade Narcissistic Supply

You may be horrified by how demanding, childish and entitled a narcissist behaves when they actually do something for you and require your recognition afterwards.

Of course, this behaviour was not taking place in the early days (in the case of a love relationship) and is not the case when the narcissist is hoovering you – love-bombing you to try to stop you leaving.

Things are pretty black and white with a narcissist – they are either ‘lovely’ or downright sullen and even nasty. All the giving that a narcissist performs is agenda based, the deal is brokered in their favour no matter what it looks like, and if there is not any foreseeable payoff of narcissistic supply, he or she will be resistant, angry, argumentative, and want retribution.

Such as: using guilt trips held against you regarding ‘what I do for you and you don’t do for me.’ (Regardless of course of what you have done or do.) Or, doing the task in a terrible way that has not helped you at all; starting it and refusing to finish it off; refusing to start it and then accusing you of being controlling and uncaring if expecting them to do it now.

Or telling you that it will be done, dangling it like a carrot and enjoying the fact that you are left hanging indefinitely.

And even, extremely painfully, creating an argument or a separation with you so that he or she can get out into the world and suck A-grade narcissistic supply from someone else.

The narcissist needs to punish you for even thinking you could minimalise them by trying to force them to act normal – like everyone else is supposed to.

The narcissist, when hurting you in these ways, is not going for ‘positive’ narcissistic supply such as of accolades anymore. For them it is now about gaining ‘negative’ narcissistic supply: ‘I am significant because I can affect you this intensely’.

Now you ARE supplying additional A-grade narcissistic supply to the narcissist, via your dismay and devastation. It makes the narcissist feel omnipotent.

You may think that you can be gracious and grateful and train a narcissist to stay around and be nice by providing enough narcissistic supply. Yet it doesn’t work … here’s why …

Every narcissist has a seething inner self of self-damnation and self-loathing that has to be spewed onto someone.

Close intimates are the narcissists preferred and really only constant dumpmasters, because these people have been groomed and trauma bonded enough to stick around and fulfil this role. So even if you try to be the loving, dutiful, congratulatory person, if you stay with a narcissist, you will not love and congratulate your way out of abuse.

Many people have tried it.

You may have, I did too – but so much of our awakening is knowing that people will treat us how we allow them to, and if we stay around for the inevitable abuse, that the narcissist bit by bit tested to see what we would remain for – it will just worsen, no matter how much you try to please, love and be kind to this person.

I also know of people who let narcissists not help or contribute in any way, yet then the narcissist accuses them of not including them in their lives and attacks them mercilessly about that! (I tried that one too!)

You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t by the time someone is narcissistically cruel to you and you stay connected to them. That is enabling them to continue doing so.

Okay, so I really hope these three reasons have helped you understand, in DEEP detail, why narcissists are so cruel to you and kind to everybody else.

Now let’s bring this back to YOU, so that you can escape and heal from this terrible agony, and start getting validation, care and genuine love into your life.

 

Bringing the Power Back to You

Many people in this community already know the powerful secret to coming home to yourself and taking your power back.

It’s this: Detach from the source of the pain, turn inwards, go to ‘what hurts’ inside, stop holding other people responsible for it and HEAL it within.

That formula is the ONE thing that will always heal and turn your life around beyond description.

Let me explain in this instance, what I mean, by sharing my journey with narcissist number 1.

The number of unfinished pieces and incomplete aspects of anything he had to do for us in the marriage was mind-boggling. In fact, my life was a constant drama of mopping up all the loose ends, practically, legally and financially, whilst being battered and accused of causing all these problems, whilst everyone believed he was incredibly talented, attentive and dutiful.

So much so, my mother was still doing his ironing for him, even after I had fled from my own home because of the abuse. At that time my son believed he was the good guy and I had been having affairs. My best friend deserted me and started up a business with him. My accountant took his side and went into business with him too. Most of my colleagues and students thought I was nuts and he was wonderful.

No-one believed me!

Man – can you even imagine how devastating that was for me? When I look back, I have no idea how I even survived those abandonments and betrayals. I really thought I was going to die.

Thank god I found the way to heal this utter trauma and change EVERYTHING in order to FINALLY be validated by life and people beyond measure.

To achieve this, I had to let go of NEEDING and even WANTING other people to get who he was and what he was doing to me.

I had to realise that this wasn’t even about him – it was all about me supporting, validating, and getting myself.

You see, before narcissistic abuse (without knowing it because it had always been my normal) I had been living life from the outside in. I had always been seeking recognition, approval and love from people outside of myself in order to try to feel whole on the inside.

How ironic that he came into my life, mirroring this back to me – as a narcissist always on the hunt for narcissistic supply because of his own lack of inner wholeness!

This didn’t mean that I was a conscienceless, cruel, narcissistic person also. What it did mean was that I was empty within and precariously needy on how other people saw me and felt about me.

In my Thriver Recovery I went inside to ‘what hurt’ and I found the wounds of not knowing and believing who I really was, and not having my own established Inner Identity. I realised that the narcissist in my life was the other side of the same coin, of me not being healed.

After leaving the narcissist and finally embarking on my true Quantum Inside Out Healing Journey, I went inwards to these particular fractured beliefs creating these feelings of ’what hurts’, loaded them up and released and replaced them with my Superconscious Self  (The Quanta Freedom Healing NARP process) and emerged from these healings without my triggers and trauma.

That was when I discovered, I couldn’t care less anymore about him pulling the wool over everybody’s eyes and them not believing me. Suddenly, I felt the most whole and content I ever had about my self-identity, without needing anyone to validate it.

Then an astounding thing happened VERY quickly (all of the following took a few short months).

My mother and son caught out his lies and came back to me.

The business with my best friend went horribly wrong with the narcissist and again I was validated.

My accountant reported in, saying the horrible things that had happened with his dealings with him.

Countless other people ‘got’ me, and the truth about him (including authorities and police who he had previously manipulated constantly.)

I was fully vindicated.

But my vindication had already happened INSIDE of me – I had no need for it.

As of today, I have seen the same happen for thousands of other people worldwide – regardless of their circumstances.

I have seen all sorts of people, family, friends, even alienated children, judges, and police ‘get’ the truth.

That’s how powerful our Beingness is – so within so without.

This following is the TRUE gift … even if life didn’t shift in your favour in this way, if you free yourself from your inner trauma, then you are able to live and create your new life regardless.

The ‘state’ is what you are chasing – then ALL else can follow.

I really want you to understand something that I am SO grateful for today…

Thank goodness people didn’t ‘get’ the truth and turn back to me BEFORE I went through this process. If that HAD happened, I would have missed my own healing back to wholeness and my evolution that has changed my life so beautifully and magnificently ever since.

Okay, I’d love you to join me to heal from this, in direct, powerful ways that you couldn’t have known existed yet – until you connect to them.

You can do so by signing up to my 16 Day free course, which has so many FREE empowering healing resources for you,

And, I’m really looking forward, as always, to answering your questions and comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You And Kind To Everybody Else
  • yelena@parisinstyle.com'
    Yelena
    August 23, 2019

    I’m so grateful to you Mel for all this work. You helped me so much in my recovery!

    • volcanosnowmelt@yahoo.com'
      Linda
      August 23, 2019

      You hit it right on., on ev ery measure,

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 23, 2019

        Thank you Linda,

        so pleased this resonated with you!

        Mel 🙏💞💛

        • maurice080940@gmail.com'
          Maurice DuBois
          August 25, 2019

          Melanie

          thank for your article and your right on! I have met so many that it is very big menace in our society . hang in there .
          I am heading to Iceland and Munich Germany. I have a lot of nice friends who own a horse farm called Laxnes in Mosfelbaer 8 Kilometers north of the capitol Reykjavik Iceland to ride horses . look it up on the internet. it is beautiful and been going on the 12th time there. I am very good friends with the people who own the farm .

          be well

          Maurice R DuBois

          • maurice080940@gmail.com'
            maurice DuBois
            August 25, 2019

            thank you

          • maurice080940@gmail.com'
            maurice DuBois
            August 25, 2019

            write again. take care

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            August 25, 2019

            Hi Maurice,

            it’s my pleasure.

            I love horses, how divine you are going to do that.

            Love and blessings to you

            Mel 🙏💕💛

        • jayeholter@hotmail.com'
          Jaye
          September 20, 2019

          Mel, just found you! You are exactly on the mark. I am in the process of divorcing my narc. Last year, I fell hitting my head on a glass table while we were in an argument. He did not call for an ambulance, simply went into his office. I knocked on neighbors doors for help, I was bleeding out with a concussion. The police arrested him for violence. In November it will be one year, we have been married 20 years, and I went deeply into the “how could he have done this” phase. I hope I can explain the desperate feeling of people not believing me to others in my position. Your article helped so much regarding finding my truth and tossing away his family and friends supporting attitudes of his bad behavior. Daily, it’s something new I discovered was also a lie. From unfaithful to hidden money, I do feel deep betrayal and sincerely hope I can be part of your blog to help others deal with the extremity of this frightening place to be in your life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2019

      Hi Yelena,

      I am so happy for you and so pleased I could help!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • EricWilliamszoe@gmail.com'
      Eric Williams
      August 24, 2019

      You have blessed my life, even though your name is Melaine like my first wife and who left me and our 5 and 10 year old children 25 years ago and got on crack cocaine… I had to get over your name. 😂😂 My next Wife had me thinking that I was crazy for a while. I couldn’t understand why she would treat me the way she did and I’m a great guy. You helped me and correct knowledge brought healing to me. I am healed and helping other people out..

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 24, 2019

        Hi Eric,

        I am so pleased you have received clarity and strength from my material, even with the same name.

        Blessings to you and yours

        Mel 🙏💞💛

        • big.meany@virgin.net'
          Sharon
          August 25, 2019

          Hi Mel
          This answers a lot of questions for me, I have lost count of the number of people who tell me he’s amazing and I’m so lucky to have him in my life!
          My son always asks why is dad nice to everyone else but not to us?
          I believe he is an altuistic narc which is extra confusing.
          I have healed a lot but still more comes up, questioning myself worrying about my boys.
          I’m grateful for all I’ve learnt and upleveled so far, thanks to you Mel 😁
          I do still have days when I feel alone.
          Love to you all x

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            August 25, 2019

            Hi Sharon,

            I am so pleased this has helped, and it is very true that altruistic narcissists are so confusing.

            It sounds like you are getting there Dear Lady, and please know you WILL!

            Truly …

            Sending you and your boys love, healing and power.

            Mel 🙏💕💛

      • r.messmer@gmail.com'
        Rose
        August 26, 2019

        Melanie, thank you for the article. You wrote one small comment that I wonder if you could expand on, or point me to a different article if you have written about it already? Your comment was about them getting upset if they are expected to be normal like everyone else. It’s slightly different, but my husband gets very angry if I mention that the way I or our kids do something is “normal.” He says he doesn’t care, even if I’m saying that something is developmentally “normal” for the kids. Could you explain what this is about please?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 26, 2019

          Hi Rose,

          Sure I am happy to answer this.

          Narcissists need to feel unique, special and superior. To have to fit in and do and be ‘normal’ is a huge threat to the False Self.

          If I am not significant enough I dont exist is the motto of the ego!

          I hope this helps.

          Much love to you

          Mel 🙏💕💛

  • narf_mf@yahoo.com'
    Marie Dame
    August 23, 2019

    Thank you for helping me to understand and seeing more clearly the narsistic abuse I recd’.

  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    August 23, 2019

    Did Paul who married June suddenly become Mark in “Paul and June” above???😉😉

    I have a mild narc boss /colleague ….I simply ignore him, module when I get home on such a day and put him right in his place……he backs off…..he knows full well his ways dont go down well…..ive done Narp for 4 years and yet I stumbled on yet another narc in the workplace but he is mild by comparison to the past ones……but since doing a lot of Narp work over the years, he senses cant mess with this lady…….every now and then he slips, but he backs off once he gets that no energy here for you crazy man. I enjoy the place, clients and Im my own boss. I believe my uplevelling and healing my wounds allow me to see narcs, but not be affected…..they “dont mess” with me once they pick up my energy. If I feel off, I simply put on my earphones between seeing clients and do one section of svm1. Amazing how I resolve within and he becomes a nothing in my energy field…..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2019

      Hi Bren,

      That so great that they don’t affect or infiltrate you anymore.

      Awesome graduation!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • shsmte@outlook.com'
      Sandra
      August 23, 2019

      Thanks Bren! You know narcs are chameleons so I’ve changed Paul back from Mark to Paul. Much love San xx

    • Debescott@hotkey.net.au'
      Deb
      August 23, 2019

      That is a brilliant idea ie putting earphones in and listening to SM1 in between clients. Thank you for sharing 👍❤️

  • Lisayates0788@gmail.com'
    lisa
    August 23, 2019

    At this very moment, I am laying in bed, eyes swollen from the horrific things he said about me. I left my home, left my job, sold nearly everything I had except my bed, moved 3.5 hours away to find out that NOTHING I do is good enough. The jobs I obtain aren’t enough pay, aren’t enough hours, are not starting soon enough. I eat too much, wash too many clothes, burn too many candles. The list is endless. I feel so beaten down and so lost. Thank you for this post and the information you provide to help us heal and move past this pain.

    • jen25@protonmail.com'
      ButterflyJenn
      August 23, 2019

      Hi Lisa,

      I relate so much. I know exactly what you are going through. I too quit my very good career, sold everything including my car, clothes, appliances, tossed out my clothes and my identity too. I moved thousands of kilometers away, immigrated to a new country, just to find out that he was lying to me from day 1. Isn’t it so incredible how entitled narcs always force us to self-annihilate, drop everything, and join their dark world? I also was picked apart and criticized until the dramatic discard days before our wedding anniversary. We did not make it to one year. Thank god!

      I am so glad it all happened. I saw the real him, when days before the wedding anniversary I confronted him about cheating and lying from the start. He was never the one for me. He was a false self and a pathological liar. I found MTE, and I am recovering faster than I ever imagined. My soul is healing deep wounds from current and past lives. I am so grateful for MTE and NARP.

      • lisayates0788@gmail.com'
        Lisa
        August 23, 2019

        Thank you! ButterflyJenn
        I am so glad you are recovering. I hope to be closer to it today than I was last night. I appreciate your encouragement.
        Lisa

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2019

      Hi Lisa,

      I am so sorry that you are going through such pain.

      Please come into my free webinar – where I can help you feel relief and clarity, directly in your body.

      That can really help … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending love and healing to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • lisayates0788@gmail.com'
        Lisa
        August 23, 2019

        Thank you, Melanie. I CAN not begin to tell you how your podcasts and videos have helped me come so far. Last night I got sucked into a…I don’t know even what to call it. As the words pounded my heart, I could just imagine myself standing in front of s firing range. Everyone of them hurt and I honestly didn’t know where else to turn so thank you again and thanks to the wonder ladies who reached out as well. I will check out the link and dig deeper to get well and hopefully be free of this trauma.
        Lisa

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      August 23, 2019

      Dear Lisa, I hear you and so well remember how this feels. This is NOT who you are! I found my way out and I’m sending you so much strength support and love for you to find your way too. You will and you have Melanie and a whole community here to support you. You are not lost and not alone now. xxoo

      • lisayates0788@gmail.com'
        Lisa
        August 23, 2019

        Thank you, Val for your encouragement. ❤️

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    August 23, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Another great article . So grateful for your work.

    Thank you for the reminder that it’s a no win situation to try to build any real relationship upon defective premises.

    The underlying problem with both NARCS’ and the “victims” is that both think their happiness depends on someone else’s opinion, actions, validation, approval, etc.

    I found that beyond surviving, and even thriving, all the way to profound JOYFUL PEACE is the premise that EVERYONE’S validation, perfection, purity, beauty, INNOCENCE is the SAME:. One Truth for everybody.

    That really WE ARE ALL ONE. That the lesson for us here on earth is to see the Face of One PARENT in Mankind.

    It is the ONLY paradigm that makes sense to me and is worth exploring. That there is ONE QUANTUM FIELD and WE ARE ALL IT.

    It makes me so grateful to ” imagine all the people living life in peace” and this not just a pipe dream.

    I truly believe that ONE LOVE is the Truth of all Beings.

    It’s not just my salvation but the salvation of all MANKIND. Thank God for the Narc that inspired such profound love that I REFUSE to die so that nobody gets PUNISHED for trying to- kill me. I get to live now absolutely possessed by LOVE.

    Love overcoming death.

    Life, grace , peace and profound love underlies ALL Reality. FOR EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

    This is ABUNDANT Life. Everybody gets to share it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      thank you lovely!

      Totally get and believe the Oneness as well!

      Thank you again for your beautiful words .. we so did need to die to the Old Self to become and be in the Truth.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    DMJ
    August 23, 2019

    Mel,
    This is a great article. I’ve seen this so many times not just with narcs but family members and friends….. and even within myself where sometimes that “fresh” approval of a stranger is chased over the routine “thank you”s of family members. It’s good to recognize this and realize it stems from a lack of self-love. It is frustrating to see someone go to the moon and back for a new, selfish friend just to get their approval, but can’t be bothered with the friend that has stood by them day in and day out for decades, but it helps to see it’s about their insecurity and to just let it go, and let them be and do what they need to do. When we are first “love bombed” by a narc there is no one we would rather please until we heal and realize they are not our saviors. Such an important awareness you point to here. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2019

      Hi DMJ,

      it’s great that you are seeing this more clearly, and know that it is not personal.

      Love and blessings to you!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • Mal_Ols@hotmail.com'
    Malin
    August 23, 2019

    Dear Melanie,

    Congratulations to the Reward!! So so well deserved!! ❤️

    This is crazy, but last night I SWEAR I was thinking “I wonder what happened with the award, I will write and ask next time the new video is up (or article).

    It’s truly mind blowing how the quantum truth is real, and how what we (you and us, your Thrivers 😃) do really is affecting the field in life affirming and transformational ways – Wow! Yaah!

    Once again, congratulations! So proud of you ❤️ Thank you so much💜 I hope you are going to celebrate BIG time! 😃

    Love, Malin 💕

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Malin,

      thank you so much! Amazing you were thinking about the award!

      Thank you for your beautiful words and it’s been wonderful to reflect, pinch oneself and know that this mission is gaining traction.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • annabell10@hushmail.com'
    Anna
    August 23, 2019

    Even I wish I would have known all this decades ago and not wondered what I am dealing with every day and walking on eggshells, I am glad you write about it now and the puzzle pieces are falling into place backwards by remembering the situations. It really helps seeing it all more clearly and getting out of ‘CrazyVille’ and releasing the trauma from having lived under narcs all my life and having been misdiagnosed all kinds of things instead. Thank you, Melanie for all you offer. Is every ‘aries’ naturally a narcissist? 😉

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Anna,

      Im so pleased you are getting out of the fog, into your truth and your real life.

      I don’t know about every Aries, I just know that life brings us the evidence of exactly what we need to heal.

      Many continued blessings to you!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • sandyewilliams@yahoo.com'
    Sandy
    August 23, 2019

    Mel, you have helped me over and over- more than you will ever know.

    Thank you for this article. All of a sudden it made more sense to me than ever. It is so difficult to understand how they think being so different than a normal person.

    Thank you so much for teaching me what has cost you so much to learn.
    Sandy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Sandy,

      I’m so pleased I can help!

      Thank you for your kind words, and please know the gift of ME was the best result of any cost … so worth it, and something I would never go back and change, even if I had the choice.

      Much love to you Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • susan100jm@yahoo.com'
    Susan
    August 24, 2019

    My Narc husband was simply the worst to me, yet even after moving out for over a year I cannot get him out of my mind. All of a sudden he is calling me daily, trying to entice me back into his web of charms. But maybe it I did not experiecne what I did at his hands, I would have been back by now but I am just too simply afraid to return. My husband went to my worklplace, called out my supervisor and was there telling her things about me because I told him that I was going on a 3 days internship in which I provided him with the name of the place I was going and the number. My supervisor called me immediatley and told me that my husband was there to see her. When I wenet home that afternoon, there he was sittling and looking so calm as if he did nothing and I just began to curse him. That riggered narcissistic injury in which he began to tell me to get out of his house and began to drag my furniture to front. Of course I did not leave, but that triggered and total ignoring and silence for about about 8 weeks in which I was sleeping in a separate room which I locked with a key. He also locked his room with a ket during that time, which has happened in several ocassions whenever there was an argument between us. However, when he saw how determined I was in ignoring him, he dismantled the door lock because he did not have a key to enter my room and went and bought another lock in which he got three keys. Within a week of replacing the lock my husband forced his way into my bedroom at 5 a.m in the morning and began to strangle me. I swear i was going ot die and I had to call out to him and he released my neck. For weeks I was hoarse but I did not go to the doctor not did I make a formal report to the police. I went to work that same morning followng which I went home and began to pack my things while he was not around, but then he came home while I was still packing and that triggered another round of arguments from him teling me how is man, why I am pakcing to leave and what what he would do to me. But then he went to the rest room and I seized that opportunity to go and get the police to come and assist me to leave, which they did.

    I went and stayed with my morther for 8 weeks before I decided to go back home as I was saying to myself that this was just 3 yrs and 4 mhtns marriage. He was ok for about 2 weeks before his old self started to emerge again with the name callings and silence, Iwas living in fear of him at hsi point and once day, he started arguing with me how I was watching secular movies and how me a whore (his constant term) in which I usually just ignore him since I summed up his behaviour over the 3 years to mental illness. But on the night following this argument in which I resigned myself to sleep in the sofa chair for a second night, my husband came and told me to come bed, which I did because of course I did not want an argument or for him to strangle me again but as soon as I went in the bed he dragged me towards him and I resisted because there was no apology for his behaviour and I was just fed up with the constant abuse I was getting.

    I should have known better than to resist the mighty and powerful, he pulled my hair in the dark while saying “hey …… ” then he flew out of the bed and stood at the door on 3 separate occassions, while asking you think you a come out yah. At his time I was afraid and began crying and he just ignored everything and came in the bed and forced himself on me to have sex. I just prayed for the Lord to keep me alive for the night because I knew at the first chance I have when he was not around I would leave and not return. To make matters worse, I awoke to find my cellular phone not in the area that it is usually left to charge but in his bedroom. I had to call my phone to find out where it was and when I asked him what was my phone doing here, he said to me my phone does not ring but as form today this is where my phone wil charge, as if I was a prisoner.Today it is 1 yr and 2wks since I have left and I have not been back.

    And to my dismay and surprise, I still wear my wedding ring and I still love him but I have decided to force myself to stay away. He wasn’t calling me for a long time after but suddenly he is now calling me every day and I do accept his calls but I have said to hime if he does get counselling and change, whiche he is averse to doing, I will not return. So he is there and I am here.

    • jenifer@toast.net'
      Jen
      August 24, 2019

      Susan, that is quite a story. Sorry for all you have been through.

      “I do accept his calls but I have said to hime if he does get counselling and change, whiche he is averse to doing, I will not return”

      To be blunt…narcs are not amenable to counseling, and they never change. The can’t change! They don’t get better, they get worse. Sad to say, they have a permanent mental illness, a void inside that cannot be filled.

      This is why “no contact” is so often advised in narcissistic abuse recovery. We have to cut them out of our lives, cut that trauma bond.

      Now is the time for you to go within and heal those wounded aspects of yourself that drew him into your life in the first place…just as Melanie
      says here:

      “Thank god I found the way to heal this utter trauma and change EVERYTHING in order to FINALLY be validated by life and people beyond measure.

      To achieve this, I had to let go of NEEDING and even WANTING other people to get who he was and what he was doing to me.

      I had to realise that this wasn’t even about him – it was all about me supporting, validating, and getting myself.

      You see, before narcissistic abuse (without knowing it because it had always been my normal) I had been living life from the outside in. I had always been seeking recognition, approval and love from people outside of myself in order to try to feel whole on the inside.

      How ironic that he came into my life, mirroring this back to me – as a narcissist always on the hunt for narcissistic supply because of his own lack of inner wholeness!

      This didn’t mean that I was a conscienceless, cruel, narcissistic person also. What it did mean was that I was empty within and precariously needy on how other people saw me and felt about me.

      In my Thriver Recovery I went inside to ‘what hurt’ and I found the wounds of not knowing and believing who I really was, and not having my own established Inner Identity. I realised that the narcissist in my life was the other side of the same coin, of me not being healed.”

      As I read this article, I realized my own needy aspects and dependence on getting external love and validation. A recent new love (not with a narc) has brought up those feelings in me, and I realize I need to embrace my wholeness and love for myself first of all. I can love others of course, including that new man, but not at the price of losing myself through dependence and neediness.

      Blessings on your journey Susan…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Susan,

      you poor thing, you have been through such a horrible time. Of course, you cant go back to behaviors like that.

      Sweetheart, please connect to my 16-day free course materials, to help you get clarity in this situation http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      And your power and truth back.

      Sending you love, healing and strength

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • rpw43@protonmail.com'
    Richard
    August 24, 2019

    Mel, this is another great episode, thank you.

    The thing is, I can see this kind of behaviour in the codependent aspects of both myself and my ex. It is not full-blown narcissism (here I go again!), but it is those narcissistic traits in each of us which reflect the unhealed wounds in our inner beings.

    Parts of this episode made me think of my own behaviour, of which I am truly ashamed and remorseful, other parts remind me of her behaviour. I have been on the receiving end of “idealize, demean and discard” several times, and yet still I took it and came back for more! And so did she…

    Detoxing is the first step, then healing.

    Thank you as always for the work you are doing. Truly appreciated

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Richard,

      truly this is the thing … we can analyze all we want but at the end of the day, it is the inner work that grants to de-tox, healing and change in ourselves and our life … and once that starts we wonder why we did try ‘the long way around!’

      You are so welcome Richard and thank you.

      Many continued blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • rmartin2373@gmail.com'
    Robin
    August 24, 2019

    Melanie, since I have learned more about narcissism (thanks to my husband), I am now realizing that these traits are evident in a lot of people I know, most in my immediate family. For the ones making me most uncomfortable, I have learned to stay away because their behavior was evident as far back as my childhood. However, I have come to realize that the one family member I really had any kind of relationship with is actually pretty abusive himself. I don’t necessarily think it’s intentional, and it’s probably not personal. In fact, he is probably this way in response to the upbringing we had (he is my brother). I’m afraid to bring up the issue with him because he becomes very defensive – he is always right, and acts like he never makes mistakes despite evidence to the contrary, while at the same time he seems to enjoy rubbing my nose in my mistakes. I know he prides himself on being the family member best able to deal with our (probably narc) mother (I jokingly refer to him as the “golden child”), while it is very emotionally taxing for me to have any interaction with her. Now I realize it is very emotionally taxing to be around him as well, it’s just that it’s not all the time, and I never know which side of him I’m going to see.

    I know it would help me to join your program, and I would like to, but I am in such a financial bind right now thanks to the damage caused by my husband (and yes, I have gone no contact) that I massively worry how I will make it through each month. I have joked about going on a ramen noodle diet, but instead, just eat as little as possible. One benefit has been that I have lost over 30 pounds, which needed to happen anyway. So just know that it is not that I have any reluctance to do the work I need to do to heal, it is just that I really am unable to at the moment. I am seeing two mental health professionals, but am behind on my co payments to them. So in the meantime, do you think it would be to my benefit to just cut contact with hurtful people? I feel bad that I have to distance myself from people I care about, but it is the only thing that seems to provide any relief and allow me to keep my sanity. Really, I feel like crying all of the time because I feel like everything is my fault, even though I know this can’t possibly be true.

    Thank you for your YouTube channel and emails – they have been very helpful to me. I did do your two-hour healing seminar, and it helped me so much that I wanted to immediately join your program. However, so many monetary issues keep popping up – it’s like playing whack-a-mole. Robbing from Peter to pay Paul. You know how it is.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Robin,

      Truly hun, your life does need to be about honoring your Inner Being and what you need right now for you.

      Those feelings of the shame and guilt and being scapegoated will leave you once you can start the deep inner work with NARP. Be kind to you and honour you …

      I’m so pleased my material has been able to help you to this point.

      Also please know that we do offer sponsorship to those in need, I am not sure of what positions we do have left this month, but you can email support@melanietoniaevans.com to explain your situation and see if we can assist you to get started on NARP.

      Sending you love and healing

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • rmartin2373@gmail.com'
        Robin
        September 4, 2019

        Thank you, Melanie. I appreciate everything you do. <3

  • kristennv83@gmail.com'
    Kristen
    August 24, 2019

    Thank you for this article Melanie, it felt like great ongoing encouragement to keep going through the difficult process of finding and healing all of the traumas. Your words really are sinking in more and more, and I’m thankful for the many articles and videos you produce, each time I read or listen I absorb that much more. Thank you for all you do <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Kristen,

      I’m so pleased you are embodying these truths!

      Bless and you are very welcome.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • 905kat@gmail.com'
    Kathy
    August 24, 2019

    Thank you for this article, Melanie.
    I always find valuable and enlightening information in them.
    I went from having someone very attentive to someone whose priority was to everyone else but me. It was a heart rendering slow process that I stuck out with and after a few ‘tests’ realized what was really happening and walked away. He had the traits of a Covert Altruistic Narcissist. It took so long to make the decision because it was so difficult to understand what he was. He had recently added me to a private FB page that was 2 years old and I watched as he’d dart in and out of there, posting wonderful things all day while I’d wait hours for an email response. From the history, this had been going on for a long time and here I’d been told how busy with work he was. It was obvious, based on that page, that he was on the hunt for fresh supply. Comments of ‘you’re so handsome’ and ‘you’re wonderful’ and ‘you’re so much fun!’ to him had me almost sick to my stomach. Here he was posting pics of animal rescues and ‘intelligent quotes’ while I knew him to be an avid gun collector and had other thoughts and ideas that would have made these ‘puritans’ run the other way. I still sometimes wonder what the heck happened but based on this article, I now understand. I think these people are NEVER satisfied with anything. If they feel any kind of love, it’s fleeting. They’re absolute chameleons who lie, cheat and manipulate everyone and everything they come into contact with and Coverts are the worst of all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Kathy,

      I am so pleased you are understanding WHY they do what they do.

      The next step of course, and the only way to truly get relief, it to turn inwards to heal yourself.

      I’d love you to connect to my inner transformational resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      That is where your true power, emancipation and graduation is!

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • KAV1@protonmail.com'
    Kathy Vukasovich
    August 24, 2019

    This is the absolute truth, Melanie. Thank you so much for this. It is so frustrating to watch when people are totally sucked in by their lies and phony altruism.”The niceties, charitable acts and putting themselves out for people is purely agenda based. The narcissist receives no pleasure from making a difference to people’s lives, he or she is getting a hit of narcissistic supply by getting their ego stroked every time they are told how wonderful they are.”That is why they join all kinds groups , give to charities …constant supply of adulation from unsuspecting people who don’t really know them . In superficial interactions, the real personality takes awhile to show itself or may never show itself. It’s always about getting continual Narcissistic supply. They only care about themselves , having their ego stroked and finding ways to suck the life out of their victims. There’s no way to convince people of their real, hidden persona, but if they get close enough they’ll eventually find out.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Kathy,

      absolutely this is correct. The solution truth is the more authentic we become as a human race, the less False Selves can be ‘in’ and ‘around’ that, plus for every inauthentic deed, we are simply generating tenfold the real thing.

      Thrive On Dear Lady!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • gievans@telus.net'
    Gail Evans
    August 24, 2019

    Kathy I can relate to your comment. My husband too is busy on Facebook seeking attention and praise whenever he can. Posting funny comments and checking how many ‘likes’ he receives. Fuel for his sad empty soul…He presents himself as a ‘Christian” man but if the pastor and other people from his church saw his treatment towards me they would be shocked.

    “Chameleons who lie, cheat and manipulate…” YES..YES ….YES… that sums up my toxic relationship with him. That and a heavy internet porn addiction. To this day he lies to the therapist about his actions and addiction. I am waiting for our house to sell and then I am gone….I need to find me again. I will wash my hands of this…finish my degree…and move ahead..

    Thank you very much for these articles Melanie. Your words are a source of strength, hope and inspiration to me and so many others.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Gail,

      that is great that you are going to take your life and soul back.

      I’m so pleased I can help empower you, and please know ho welcome you are.

      Sending you blessings, love and power

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • ferghusse@gmail.com'
    Lyanna
    August 24, 2019

    Hi Melanie, this isn’t directly related to this blog entry but I must thank you for your incisive videos and the clarity they’re starting to bring me. I’ve struggled with narcissists, or at the very least people with high narcissistic traits and low empathy, for many years; I only connected this phenomenon to the term “narcissist” a couple years ago. As you’ve pointed out numerous times, however, identifying the problem isn’t enough. I educated myself on narcissistic abuse for months, but I still ended up being hurt by other narcissistic or other self-centered toxic people. A couple weeks ago I was moved to revisit your youtube channel, and this time it really started to click with me about addressing my inner traumas. The fog seems to be lifting a bit.
    I had an experience today that helped me put some of this into practice. I’m currently not dealing directly with a narcissist, but I’ve been frequenting a dating app that was causing me a great deal of frustration. Each day, I would receive messages on this app that were objectifying if not outright vulgar. I thought maybe it would help to put a disclaimer on my profile: “Overtly sexual overtures will get you reported for sexual harassment.” Promptly, I had an unsavory character message me to tell me I was a b!tch because I’d included this phrase; he told me that he (as if I wanted to talk to him) and no one else would want to talk to me. I was shaking as I reported his message, and I realized that my traumas were being activated. I realized I was reacting so strongly because I’ve often been put down and punished for standing up for myself. Moreover, I saw that there was NO reason for me to remain on that particular dating app; I was treating the app in the same way as I’ve often treated toxic partners, hoping that if I just found the right thing to say or do, the abuse would stop and I would get something good out of it. I saw that I was out of faith with myself, to go onto this app every day on the off chance I would meet somebody interesting, when in fact I was only getting upsetting objectifying messages every day. I deleted the app and it felt great!
    I thought you might like to know that your insights about our unhealed traumas can apply to more than just individual people. I applied it to a whole app. Thank you so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Lyanna,

      you are very welcome and I so hope I’ve been able to help!

      I love the topic you have raised and I want to really help you here – and hope that others reading this – whilst dating – can get assisted too.

      As a previous online dater myself, and I have coached women in on-line dating, I really want you to understand the inner game that changes everything. If objectification comes at you – you need to do this: block and delete and release internally any inner triggers that get set off within you, until there are none.

      This I promise you … when the objectification happens again and you are complete untriggered and move on like it is ‘not my reality’, this means you have soul graduated beyond these internal wounds (because of the inner work you did on them), and then the almighty Quantum cogs turn and ‘being objectified’ will melt out pf your experience.

      This experience is still coming because you have wounds to heal within about it.

      This is why the attempt to control it ‘outside you’ generated this rebuff. Yes, he was rude to you, that wasn’t appropriate, and he is clearly unhinged … yet there is truth to what he said. Please hear me out with what I know and believe about this … whenever I was on-line and reading a man’s profile regarding not wanting any women wanting to scam him or go after his money, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole.

      It was a big neon light screaming “WOUNDED!’

      I would much rather meet up with a man who states ‘what he wants’ in a lovely, empowered whole way. Such as ‘I am looking for a lady who wants to be treated as an equal and is comfortable, happy and solid in her own life.’

      THAT is what would attract me!

      My total suggestion to you is never write on a dating profile – what you DON’T want …for two reasons. 1) It will make good, solid men pass you by, and 2) It also gives abusers a hook to come at you saying something like that ‘I am so glad you wrote this, because I agree, and I am not that objectifying guy BLAH BLAH BLAH …’

      Abusers WANT people with wounds. Just as lions look for limping gazelles at the edge of the pack.

      The total formula is to BE who you WANT to BE and RECIEVE on the profile.

      Then, treat who and what isn’t as ‘Not My Reality’ by blocking and deleting them all and purging all that arises within as triggers with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp (that’s the REAL work) and see how everything starts forming in your experience to meet you at where you are BEING.

      Including beautiful, quality men.

      I hope this makes sense and much love to you.

      Mel 💞💛💞

      • ferghusse@gmail.com'
        Lyanna
        August 24, 2019

        I appreciate the response, however, my realization was that the dating site itself was toxic. I had gone for months stating what I DO want and received only these sorts of messages. My understanding is that a good, solid man would not take umbrage to a disclaimer that was clearly not directed at him. Some apps/websites have toxic cultures, and, like toxic relationships, they need to be parted with.

        I think I’ve gotten all the help I can get from you. Cheers. I’m going to move on and stand firm in my own self-knowledge that I did the right thing.

  • cheveresa@bellsouth.net'
    Arleen
    August 24, 2019

    Hello Melanie:

    I find it extremely hard and financially unable to leave my husband of 24 years. I am also 60 years old and taking care of my parents who live nearby. I hate to say this but I feel like I waited way too long. I feel defeated in so many ways. Without money there isn’t much I can do. I don’t want to sell what will eventually be a shelter for my children. I don’t even have a job right now. Everything I’ve read thus far is right on track. I have a question? Do Narcissists have the ability to love?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2019

      Hi Arleen,

      Truly dear lady there is no shame in whatever you chose to live with or not live with

      If you do wish to stay then it’s about accepting his limitations and detaching enough for you to generate energy and love from your life outside of him.

      If he is a narcissist, no he is not capable of love. Egos only serve themselves.

      Regardless of where he is narcissistically personity disordered or not, why would he change after all these years?

      People only change when they decide to nd because they have to.

      Sending you love and strength.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • info@catherinejolleyphotography.co.uk'
    Nicole
    September 3, 2019

    I have just come out of a very long marriage (22 years but together over 38) My husband left after I found out he had deceived me for in his words over a year within weeks of the death of my Mother. I have been left traumatised by the two circumstances happening so close together but am working hard to understand and make sense of everything as well as major work on myself.

    He originally deceived me twice at the start of our relationship but my self-esteem was so low and I loved him that I thought he would change. Whenever I tried to speak of it again to try and heal he would be very dismissive or say I was getting confused over the timings leaving me feeling confused and unhealed not able to get over it and move on in our relationship. Over the years but very much latterly, I can now see all the traits of a narcissistic and codependent relationship. I thought everything was me as he would blame me time and time again, but I also see that I shut down from the beginning with him and some of what you talk about in being unkind to him and nice to everyone else I recognise in myself. I know that this was hurt but none the less I now feel the terrible shame and burden of my ways over the years and find it very hard to separate his narcissistic ways and what was real and what wasn’t. I find it incredible that we were in such a toxic relationship for so long, it’s really frightening. I’m not young anymore, I don’t have a house and my future is very uncertain but even though it is so very painful I do know I am so much better without him in my life. Even though there is no contact I have to hear and know about him because of our connection with our sons which are now young men, otherwise I feel it would be easier to completely put him out of my life. Can it be possible that I was a narcissist too? I feel so ashamed.

    Do you have any thoughts or writing on this? Can this be normal too?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2019

      Hi Nicole,

      Sweetheart truly in no way do I believe you are a narcissist. For so many reasons.

      I believe you have been twisted and turned emotionally and mentally by one.

      This is the thing Nicole, cognitively it is almost impossible to reconcile all of this

      You must have heard of NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp in this community?

      It cuts straight to the chase and gets the trauma out if you that has been making you sick, traumatised and confused.

      It’s your answer … quickly.

      And we are here in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to help you with this every step of the way.

      If you are not ready to make the leap at NARP (which is my highest suggestion to start getting powerful clarity and relief) then Nicole you can learn more about it in my free webinar, where you will receive a Quanta Freedom Healing and experience its positive effects. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending love and healing to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • periphrase@protonmail.com'
    peri
    September 7, 2019

    Mel, do narcissists KNOW they are mistreating their close ones? Or do they actually believe they are so wonderful and righteous, that they are great to us, and its us that mistreats them (by failing to fawn over them sufficiently, or 100% meet their never ending demands)? Sometimes I feel guilty when I bring up my father’s entitled, abusive behavior towards me, my mother, his employee….because sometimes I feel he honestly doesn’t know he is doing these awful things. He basically chronically tortures us and dominates us, and it affects our health. Yet you can’t talk to him about it. I am afraid he’d actually be shocked or appalled at our experience of him…and mostly I am afraid he’d be devastated if he really understood how he affects us. I don’t want to deeply wound him. I just want him to stop mistreating us. But not if it will deeply wound and devastate him. I almost feel like I am protecting a child. A child who is sick with a terminal incurable illness and there’s nothing you can do to change that so you might as well go along with their tantrums and make them feel good about themselves.

    On the other hand, sometimes I think he knows full well how he mistreats us, and he does it simply because he can get away with it. I believe this because of how well he treats and behaves towards others, especially in public. He is very manipulative when it comes to his behavior and public perception. So he CAN control his behavior when he wants to impress someone, when he is in public. He clearly knows what is good behavior and bad in that regard. Treating others like gold, and us like slaves and the manipulation in covering it up is part of the reason why I think narcissists MUST KNOW what they are doing. Despite denying it.

    I go back and forth over this. Do they know they are mistreating us? Projecting? Gaslighting? Slave driving? Or are they unaware?

  • jemraykona@gmail.com'
    Janet Murray
    September 14, 2019

    MTE, your work has helped me more than words can say. I am one year no contact and putting my life back together. Having listened to hundreds of hours of podcasts to learn about narc behavior, and studying 12 step recovery,many of the same attributes of narc and addiction are common. Do you have any comments to help me discern the differences? Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 14, 2019

      Hi Janet,

      I’m so pleased I can help!

      Janet my belief truly is if we just work on releasing trauma, we heal … my private esses truly hun are not about differentiating. All of us n’s and ourselves have been stuck in trauma maladapting to survive.

      They dont heal, but we can.

      Have you checked our NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • marandjim@gmail.com'
    mary
    September 17, 2019

    Not sure if my boyfriend is a narcissist or not, but am leaning in that direction more and more everyday and am thankful that our relationship is ending, but at the same time I am deeply hurt and saddened that it has come to this. I know it will take time to realize this is the right move. He swept me off my feet when we met – he was charming and bold and when I resisted at first, he got even more charming and appealing and finally won me over. Right from the beginning he told me how much he loved me, how amazing I am, how much he wanted to marry me etc etc…. We’ve been through a lot of crazy, hard stuff together and at the beginning we were strong for each other and those things strengthened our love. We both agreed that we’ve never had such a powerful, beautiful love. Six months into the relationship I accidentally saw a text from a woman and discovered that he was having an intimate relationship with her via Instagram PM. She lived far away: maybe that’s what he wanted, so that it wouldn’t progress any further??? Not sure why I stayed then, but I did and I believed that he would never do it again. He and his wife are separated – he won’t start a divorce but won’t tell me why. They have two kids together and his wife has made this past year very hard on both of us. She is very controlling, manipulating and mean. He won’t put his foot down and continues to enable her controlling, inappropriate behavors. She wouldn’t let him see the kids for the first few months and now he can see them but she is always included, somehow in the visits. Usually, he has to go to her house to visit them. Recently, they meet at the Y so he can swim with the kids while she works out. This is always the reason why we have conflict in our relationship. When I express my need for him to have a more concrete schedule with his kids so that we can make our own plans, he gets really upset and tells me to mind my own business. He gets extremely angry and in the last few months has told me about a dozen times that our relationship is over. After the first few times he told me this, I started to believe him and asked if we could talk about the plans we would need to make to break up and move on. He would immediately backtrack and say without saying, that he really didn’t mean it, he was just frustrated. He has recently been picking arguments over nothing and then asks me why I am always starting arguments. I always remain calm, quiet and in control during these “arguments” because I know they have nothing to do with me. This seems to infuriate him even more. I’m not doing it to make him more angry; I’m just trying to keep myself safe. I have tried talking to him in the past about healthy ways to communicate and he shut me down immediately, telling me he doesn’t need that bullshit – that he doesn’t need any help!! Yesterday, I came across an excellent article about creating boundaries with an ex so that everyone’s lives would be more peaceful and healthy and he agreed to let me read it to him. I didn’t get very far into it and he blew up, again telling me he didn’t need that shit and he didn’t need anyone telling him how to act. He told me I was strong arming him and he didn’t like it. (all I did was read the article) He told me that his wife asked him to never talk to me about the kids and he told me that he agrees with this and respects her wish. He hasn’t been talking to me about the kids at all and she won’t even let them call him before bed because she knows I am with him. At the beginning of our relationship, it was his belief that he would have partial custody of the kids and they would stay with us and he was excited about the positive influence I would be on his kids. Their mother has bipolar and makes their lives hard at times also. Again he told me it is over and he actually packed a bag and left the house. I know I need to get far away from this man. Hard, when I have never loved so deeply and have never been loved so deeply. I believe his love is/was real but he is so black and white that it is either mind-blowing love or a great big fuck you! Thank you for the platform to express what I badly need to release. I know I rambled a bit – there is so much more to the story that I have left out. Grateful for your page and for the work that you are doing to help people heal and become whole again. I regained my power a couple of months ago and have been growing daily. I will be fine and happy and will carry on with an awesome life. He can’t break me. I can’t help but feel badly for him though because I believe he will never find happiness. He has severed ties with so many friends since I have known him and he just got fired from his job last week.

  • jacqline861@gmail.com'
    Jaya
    September 22, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    My ex was horrible to me, but I knew almost immediately that it WASN’T just me. He is an overt narcissist, so I observed his troubles with other people, including his own grown children. I also noted he had no close, male friends. Big red flag.

    But as a narc, he can be VERY charming and fun to be around, for short periods of time. It was those good time guy performances that kept me hooked. I tried to keep things light and make things convenient for him. After our nights and weekends, I blithely went away to give him “space” until he was ready to see me again. Of course, this didn’t work, either. I was hurt and insulted he could stay away from me and not call for days. When we did finally reunite, we had fun. But very soon he would pick fights over the most ridiculous things. I became equally enraged and we had nasty name calling bouts and cursed each other. I am NOT a nasty name calling person, in my authentic self. These horrible scenes and break ups were devastating and bewildering.

    I also knew whenever I was out of the picture, he was busy charming other women. Strangely, I wasn’t jealous. I accepted his incapacity to love them. However, my own ego told me I was different! I stubbornly and stupidly thought he SHOULD love me the way I loved him.

    It was insanity.

    The relationship was so funky that in 8 years I never introduced him to anyone in my family. I felt they would instantly know this was not a good guy. I did not want to put him on that spot.

    On the other hand, he introduced me to his sisters very early in our relationship (both his parents were deceased). Over the years he invited me to his family functions. I was elated. Surely this was proof I was “wife material!” I later realized it was all part of the role he had me playing. I presented the proper image he felt was appealing to his family. It had nothing to do with how he felt about me. He never loved me, any more than the “bimbos” he met up with through the internet.

    I said all this to point out that some narcs are assholes to everyone. It just might not be evident right away. The knowledge that it wasn’t ME he hated but himself and everything else he couldn’t control helped me heal.

    Today, it’s been more than a year of no contact. I only think about him when I am on this site, actually. And sometimes when I miss the sex. Hey… gotta be honest. 😊

    I am doing OK. Life is so much better when you are free to take care of you.

  • justyna.majewska@btinternet.com'
    Justa
    September 22, 2019

    Dear Mel,

    Its my second week being free! If not my friend Gail, who pointed out that I just broke off with my narc and he will try to hoover me, I would most likely go back to him. But after good chin-wag with her I started researching definition of narc, hoovering etc. I knew this relationship was toxic. We were on and off for a year. The cycles started very soon – only 2 weeks into relationship. They got worse and more frequent. At some point I was the one apologising for his behaviour. And of course got blamed for his violence. He also admitted that it is one way street. He can do anything he likes but I am not allowed to do same things. Like going out when I want, talk to some mail friends, be in a bad mood. He would scream at me and sometimes use violence.
    I am so happy that he has no power over me. I know my recovery will take a while. Your articles helped me to understand what was happening.

    So THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

    Justyna

  • jane.saillard@gmail.com'
    Jane Saillard
    November 10, 2019

    Hi. I worked with a narcissist. I took her under my wing and was her supervisor. Omg.. That was the beginning of the end. Once she had my confidence and learnt the job she turned on me. I couldn’t work out what was going on for quite some time and always second guessing myself. She started manipulating work which stopped me from doing my work effectively. Then over time other people in my section were affected by her also. All my original work colleagues have either left or transferred to other areas. After threats from her some did not want to go through any more stress so just wanted to get out asap. She is still there. Go figure!

  • Bcaiola5155@gmail.com'
    Barbara
    November 12, 2019

    Melanie I want you to know that finding your website several years ago literally saved my life. I read and reread everything you wrote, learning and realizing that I was being abused and connected all the dots. It took years 39, to come to this place but I’m always going to be greatful for your commitment to helping others.
    Blessings to you 🙏💕

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi Barbara,

      I’m so pleased I could help and thrilled that you are so much better.

      All my love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

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