This is an article I have wanted to do for some time.
It’s one many males have asked for – and I also think it will be an interesting subject for women as well.
Over the years there have on occasion been men who have accused me of focusing on recovery for women only.
The truth is guys – I have NOT been leaving you out, because everything I produce in this Community is for ANYONE who has been abused.
And … even though I have thought about doing this article for a while, there is a reason why it hasn’t been a major priority.
(Which has NOTHING to do with being sexist and leaving men out!)
Please know in no way will that detract from what I will share with you here – because it is my greatest intention to provide as much richness and depth that I can in regard to female narcissists.
My real reason for why this article was NOT a high priority is this:
When we accept evolutionary healing and evolving ourselves beyond our wounds, it really is about seeing our abusers as symptoms, and then doing the much needed work in our own being regarding our original childhood and generational traumas which unknowingly have created us as susceptible to narcissists.
Because when we change the one person we can heal and change – ourselves – we achieve Thriver Recovery.
And … I have found over the last almost ten years in this Community, that this is definitely not gender specific regarding what gender the abused is OR the abuser.
Whenever I produce an article, video, radio show or Healing Program, I am writing for heterosexual men and women, and members of the gay community as well … because I recognise that men and women can be narcissists, and victims are men and women, of all ages, within all cultures and all sexual orientations.
The manifestation of narcissism is narcissism.
I haven’t created ANY productions specifically about male narcissists either!
The narcissism manifestation regardless of gender is this: a conscienceless person trying to get narcissistic supply, hooking you in order to do so, and extracting energy and resources from you in the process.
As well as turning the tables of their atrocious behaviour on you, with methods that attack the gaps of your as yet unresolved traumas and insecurities.
(Also known as our weak spots.)
This happens to both men and women, and the results are the same – a more fractured sense of self, addiction to the narcissist and a severe confusion, anxiety, depression and C-PTSD.
And the healing of this in Quantum Ways which I bring to this Community via The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program – NARP, is identical … regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, or whether or not you were abused by a man or a woman.
The reason being – because the healing is all about tracking though your body to the original wounds, releasing the energy of them and reprogramming them with your Super Conscious self, which has the power to heal what we can’t heal cognitively.
Then we shift out of the trauma and into a new Life.
I promise you that this Community is NOT exclusively female, for the men who think it might be.
The truth is women more openly share and post – because that is just what we do!
Interestingly enough, 20% of all NARP members in this Community are men, and they comprise of both gay and straight guys.
This Is Not About Demonising Women or Anyone
I am actually loath on some occasions to talk about narcissists in depth, or have this Community put too much focus on them … because I know that every minute we are focused on “them” we are denying ourselves our own love and healing …
Which is what TRUE recovery needs.
The more we demonise “them” with our focus the more we damage ourselves – truly.
It’s like taking poison everyday and expecting “them” to drop dead, or meet their maker.
Wrong Town!
Also … some of these key points regarding “narcissism” does not necessarily make a person a narcissist.
There are attractive women who take care of their appearance who are not narcissists.
Just as there are highly successful men with acquisitions and who have status, power and nice things who are not narcissists.
Additionally, anyone can have an unconscious moment and act inappropriately when triggered into a wound, but that does not mean necessarily that they are a narcissist.
It may just mean they have had a wound triggered.
This ridiculousness happens when people focus only on learning about narcissists – they start to think narcissists are everywhere, and any little “sign” means someone is suspect.
These “witch hunts” never happen with people who do the work in their own being to become authentic and powerfully wholesome in their own skin, and start to show up without young derailing childhood wounds.
True Recovery is never about demonising.
It is more about taking the personal hate and resentment out of it and realising that these people act the way they do because they are severely damaged – generally caused by abusive or intensely neglectful childhoods.
Therefore, I am not going to lower myself to the name-calling of female narcissists, or the degrading of them in this article, and I hope you don’t either.
Especially if you leave a comment!
And ultimately our recovery is NOT even about working out who IS or ISN’T a narcissist, just as it is not about turning our hate, resentment and anger towards them …
Rather it IS about freeing and healing ourselves to the level where we CAN show up and generate healthy life relationships and events as a result of speaking up, trusting ourselves, clarifying, and be whole, solid and healed enough in our Inner Identities to walk away from things and people who aren’t healthy.
Sooo …. this article is a recognition of who Narcissistic Females are and what they do, as well as (I hope) bringing to all of us the understandings of how we may have been unconsciously stuck in this.
Where This Article May Help You in Regard to Abusive Females
This article is about the similarities and the differences between male and female narcissists but please DO NOT believe for one moment, if you are a heterosexual guy or a gay female, that knowing all the warning signs about a narcissistic female is going to protect you – because it doesn’t.
In fact, if your focus is exclusively on learning about narcissists (who they are and what they do) and is not about coming inside your own being to self-partner and love yourself enough to heal your own generational and childhood wounds, which unconsciously left you open and susceptible to narcissists, then you may be in for a very hard time.
Firstly, you will not be healing from the trauma, you can only try to manage it, and secondly your intense focus makes you more likely to fall for a cunning narcissist again.
Why?
Because your soul has one agenda and one agenda only – to evolve you – beyond the level you were previously living at that was not allowing you to be free to be your Truest Self.
Which means bringing forth the EXACT personalities who will push on these unconscious wounds to make them conscious, so that you can finally heal them.
If you are currently with a female narcissist, this article will help you recognise the truth of who you are with. The first step to recovery is realising cognitively who you are dealing with and that you do need to leave.
Then the real work within ourselves can be committed to … which is the healing of the reasons why we are stuck in this agony.
How Male and Female Narcissism Manifests As The Same
In this section, I want to make it really clear that the bigger, deeper most impactful stuff about narcissism – is consistent with BOTH male and female narcissists.
The following, I believe, is the number one criteria regarding IF someone is suffering from incurable Narcissistic Personality Disorder or not.
And this is the ONE thing that differentiates them from people who are NOT Narcissistically Personality Disordered … regardless of them acting out their unresolved trauma (all wounded people when triggered can act “selfishly”) and despite them being needy for outside energy from other people.
(Both things that narcissists do as the VERY trademarks of narcissism.)
However, there is ONE thing that separates a person who is JUST emotionally wounded and as yet has not healed these emotional traumas … and an individual suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
This … “I WILL take the responsibility to meet and heal my wounds, and work on myself in order to change my life.
A person suffering with NPD will never genuinely do this.
Their ego takeover ferociously guarding the evidence of the shameful shrivelled up True Self, who the narcissist has attempted to kill off and bury (hide) … will NOT allow them to expose their damaged parts to ANYONE genuinely, and certainly not themselves … because that threatens the entire precarious False Self structure that they have erected in the True Self’s place.
That’s how you really know (apart from the extreme crazy cruel inhumane behaviour that most people are not capable of thinking, let alone doing).
The TRUE and ONLY determinant is: IS this person willing to meet, love and heal and resolve their Inner Being – including EVERYTHING they would rather not face about themselves – namely their original wounds which are causing the mayhem, destruction and pain in their life and for others?
That is the deal for BOTH male and female narcissists.
Additionally, both female and male narcissists:
- Size up their targets and know how to appeal to exactly what THAT person wants to hear and receive.
- Fact find a person’s weak spots.
- Reduce and control a person with their weak spots after initially feigning to support them.
- Discredit people, things and dreams important to you, after initially feigning to be supportive of these passions in your Life.
- Need constant “ego-feeding” with stuff, attention, significance and their version of respect and acclaim.
- Punish mercilessly when the False Self is not feed adequately.
- Do the push / pull game, “I reel you in and then I cast you out.”
- Are capable of taking out masterful smear campaigns against you.
- Are controlling, possessive and insecure.
- Can leave you stripped emotionally, mentally and financially.
- Commonly position the children against you and attempt child alienation.
- Project blame and argue with you in ways where you feel like your head is spinning.
- Refuse to be durably accountable.
- Harbour and keep bringing things up to punish you with – despite saying they were resolved about it in the past.
- Play tit for tat – delivering punishments that do not fit the “crime” (except in their own heads).
- Act out rage and react nastily on a hair-line trigger.
- Make you feel like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, and that this person can never be truly happy with you.
- Toss you into the gutter without a second glance when they cannot get what they want anymore and / or you have been replaced with a better source of narcissistic supply.
Because this is what False Selves do. This is how insecure egos with no functional True Self at the helm behave.
Narcissists are insatiable emotional voids that can never create their own stable, solid or peaceful feelings.
And this is completely consistent with the behaviour of male and female narcissists, and the results are the same to you – regardless of whether or not you are a male or a female, heterosexual or gay – or what gender the narcissist is who did it to you.
Okay … so let’s get into the meat of this article.
And please know I will be referring to the partners of narcissist woman in the male gender sense, simply because it is easiest to do so.
Gay women, please know this article also is for you – just as it is any woman who may have a narcissistic woman in her life in any capacity – not just a love relationship sense.
The Differences Between Male and Female Narcissists
At this point you may be wondering why I am even writing this article … if the narcissism manifestation is the same?
And TRULY the results are just the same.
People get just as devastated, traumatised and ripped to pieces by narcissistic men and women.
Narcissistic abuse is narcissistic abuse.
Despite this, within this Community very occasionally men have jumped up and down with “But it’s the narcissistic WOMEN who get the children and trash their partners financially – because they are WOMEN”.”
Noooo …. Not true!
I PROMISE you, I am a woman who was financially throttled by narcissistic men and I also have dear female friends who are going through the MOST horrible matters you could conceive of regarding their children in co-parenting at the hands of narcissistic men.
In fact it’s common!
So PLEASE guys DO NOT believe for one moment that the damage in regard to self, finances and children JUST comes from narcissistic women.
I think it’s so important that we have Unity here – because I promise you the Narcissistic Abused Community is all in this together – regardless of gender.
So what can we talk about here in regard to Narcissistic Women?
This … the different ways females “do narcissism” which actually has nothing to do with narcissism itself – it simply is to do with being female.
Please be aware though –there is STILL an overlap, most of what I describe is what male narcissists do also.
Let’s start with the BIGGEST and (really the only major) difference.
Narcissistic Female Appearance
The most obvious difference is women can use feminine wiles.
Female narcissists know that the average male is very visual, and as such perfecting her looks is often high on her agenda.
(However, the same can be said for male somatic narcissists, gay or straight – who use their physical beauty to snare potential mates.)
Because a female narcissist does not have an inner sense of Self (just like her male counterpart) she constantly needs to be get feedback from outside of herself about her worth.
Often “worth” for a woman is about her physical appearance.
Look at our advertising, magazines, movie stars and celebrities.
Is it any wonder that female narcissists, who suffer terrible self-esteem and insecurities from a very young age, can make it so much about their looks?
These women may be prone to cosmetic surgery, dieting, excessive exercise, and even eating disorders in order to maintain their looks and bodies in order to seduce people.
Also, having the right label clothes and accessories can be very important to her – regardless of the credit card bill.
Of course all of this is hiding a crippled Inner Self who feels intensely ugly, unlovable and unworthy on the inside – despite people thinking that she is intensely confident. And because she is provocative and highly flirtatious – that appears to be true.
These are all gross over-compensations for how she really feels about herself.
These women have the tendency to use their looks to gain regular narcissistic supply to try to offset the torment of having no Inner Identity, as a prop to feed the False Self.
It is usual, in amongst regular times of feeling empty and hollow on the inside, that they will do new selfies to post on social media in order to gain fresh attention and outer validation.
Again … making them feel “worthy” for a short time … until the next dose is needed.
Another trademark is that she can’t be seen without makeup.
Narcissistic women use their looks and sexuality to get what they want. This differs to most narcissistic men, who traditionally use power, acquisitions, status and intellect … (because of course these attributes are attractive to women).
Narcissistic women, simply because they are women with the deep inner DNA fears of survival and security (all women have these generationally) focus on a man’s wealth.
Someone who is generous enough to want to provide for her and make her happy – who she will be able to play the entitled “what is yours is mine” game, whilst securing a highly materialistic lifestyle that will help bolster her False Self’s worth.
Narcissistic women want successful, hardworking, good provider guys as their partners.
Or, if this is not the case, it will be something else that she wants in order to feel better about herself.
It may be lifestyle, connections, a roof over her head …
And if these men have had a history of struggling to lay boundaries – not wanting to disappoint other people, a propensity to “keep the peace” rather than speak up or assert their own needs …
… then she has hit the jackpot.
Narcissistic Women and Sex
Narcissistic women know that most men’s weaknesses are sex and female beauty, and she will come on strong like the adoring princess he wants in everyday life and a vixen in the bedroom.
She will set out to convince him the emotional connection and sex they share is unique and phenomenal.
(Narcissistic men can do this too, appeal hugely to a woman’s sexual appetite, with his charm and charisma and sexual finesse.)
Little does the partner of a female narcissist know, that that once hooked, sex usually becomes less and less frequent and commonly almost non-existent.
Sex for her is a tool to get what she wants as a form of control, and to use to punish by withholding.
(The slight variable here with narcissistic men is although they do the same … they can also use sex to abuse, degrade and humiliate partners … as some narcissistic women can too.)
At the start, when she has idolised her newest Source of Narcissistic Supply as “amazing”, it is easy to shower him with attention and sex whilst caught up in her “love rush”.
“You are the best narcissistic supply ever.”
Yet, when that wears off, she will have already started devaluing and discarding him emotionally which diminishes the sexual connection.
And, it is not beyond her to create new sexual hook-ups with fresher sources of narcissistic supply whilst having her secure, stable and successful nice guy at home.
Narcissistic women are less likely to have other sexual partners than narcissistic men, however they are still very capable of adultery.
Non-intimate sex is the perfect source of narcissistic supply for her, because she can be admired and told how beautiful she is with men going “ga-ga” over her.
The truth is any settle down relationship will usually lead her to withdraw sexually – because true intimacy and being “naked” with someone without a mask is not what she can endure.
Being Everything He Wants and Needs
Narcissistic women have charm, but they also know how to get guys hooked by inciting “the protector” within men.
She has the perfect blend of look after me and love me and you need me and want me going on.
She is an expert of working out what womanly role to play practically as well as sexually and emotionally for him.
Does he want a woman with the smarts to help him with his business?
Does he need a woman to help look after his children when he is busy working?
Does he love certain styles of cooking?
The narcissistic female (the men do this too – find out what you want to improve your life and start providing it) will morph into whatever persona to become everything you need or want her to be and do.
Most narcissistic women will embrace and improve your life, by fitting into any role you need with devotion, support and adoration.
And, it’s likely as a hostess, she excels.
She looks good, smells good and is superbly confident and charming. She is thoughtful, considerate, a good conversationalist and attentive to people. Your family, friends and work colleagues love her.
So … is it any wonder you think that your dreams to make your life incredible on ALL levels has been answered?
How could this woman be so perfect?
Little do many men know, that when a narcissistic woman is setting up her security, lifestyle and materialistic entitlements via a partner, she will go to some pretty incredible lengths to secure it.
The Cracks Appearing
As time goes on, the little wonderful and supportive niceties may take a turn for the more serious.
Falling pregnant is a distinct possibility.
And … it is likely that she will back away from working and start contributing financially less and less (pregnant or not).
Now, rather than supporting you and your life, she is doing what she wants that has nothing to do with you, and spending more and more of your money.
She will have all sorts of excuses about how she is not fulfilled in her work life, how it has been all about how she supported you in your Life and now it’s your turn to support her.
(Some narcissistic women, may be “married” to their profession because it grants them copious amounts of narcissistic supply …. and in this case the above may differ … even though she will still feel entitled to your money.)
Many men, with narcissistic women try to make them happy, paying money for this study or that course, or to help her start her own business … hoping his beloved will find something that sets her heart on fire.
But what he hasn’t realised is she is a “professional parasite”, a bottomless pit, who can never be made happy no matter what he gives her.
This list of behaviours is likely … and really in all truth there are warning signs at times, even in the beginning … (red flags).
- She will often tell him what it is that he is or isn’t giving her that is wrong.
- She will find fault with him in many ways.
- She will chastise him for doing things wrong and then for not doing things at all.
- She will charm, flatter and offer herself up sexually to get what she wants, and punish him mercilessly when her unrealistic narcissistic entitled expectations are not met.
- She will throw in his face what other men do for their women and try to get him to compete with that.
- She will start fights with him on a hair line trigger, performing out of bounds behaviour that can escalate to name-calling, throwing things, hitting, screeching off in the car or other assorted dramatic events – with little or no care for worrying about children being exposed to this.
- Before important meetings or events in his life she may keep him up all night arguing.
- She will emasculate him by regularly disregarding and ridiculing his ideas, suggestions, opinions and needs.
- She may attack his sexuality verbally.
- She will put him down in front of the children to bring them over to “her side” and have them as her allies.
- She is uber sensitive to any little act that he does that is “disrespectful” to her.
- It is likely she will be accusatory, distrustful, insecure and even accuse him point blank of terrible things.
- She will demonise people and things that take his attention away from her.
- She may flirt outrageously with other men or say or do things to make him feel insecure and jealous.
- She will have regular dislikes of people, judge them, distrust them, have fallouts, and tell him how other people are jealous of her and are out to undermine her.
- Totally contrary to how she behaved at the beginning when she was fully supportive of her partner’s dreams and aspirations, she now minimises and demeans them.
- Any decisions he makes to do with their life, money, home or the children without her permission are met with hostility and anger, yet she does not have any concept of playing “team” herself.
Please note all of this list is EXACTLY what narcissistic men do too.
When He Tries to Pull Away From Her
If her partner has had enough and tries to pull away from her she is capable pf playing the “emotional female” card … blaming her emotions and behaviour on hormones or PMS.
She is capable of lying and manipulating like all narcissists are, because like all narcissists the end justifies the means.
She is so disordered and unhinged internally that she actually believes her own propaganda.
She refuses to take responsibility for her abusive behaviour, be accountable or acknowledge his feelings except when he is going to leave her, and then the accountability, even if forthcoming, never holds.
She is entitled, she is the victim, she is the one who has been wronged – no matter how outrageous that is.
She, like all narcissists, has a terrible broken, selfish, pathological childish persona controlling her emotions and is capable of all sorts to get even, make his life difficult and try to make him bend to her will.
Which is her skewered version of the world – making him pay for what he has “done” and granting as much compensation as possible to her.
Narcissistic women are capable of using sex, guilt, helplessness, false alarms requiring his help, faking pregnancies and / or miscarriages to get his attention … and if he doesn’t come running to her, she may turn to good old “Abuse by Proxy” (male narcissists do this too) – file false claims with police and slam him with all sorts of allegations which she has masterfully crafted to authorities and his boss.
She will use any evidence she has against him to turn his life into a living hell.
She will also punish him as much as possible with using the children as pawns … just like narcissistic men often do.
If she ended the relationship, before he left her, she will endeavour to replace him and move on without a backward glance.
And she will try to ensure the best child support deal she can muster.
She believes she is entitled to what is his indefinitely.
Narcissistic Women and Children
Narcissistic women may appear to care for and love her children more than most narcissistic men – but the truth is a narcissist does not love themselves, and is therefore not capable of loving anyone healthily – not even their own children.
Narcissistic women tend to be more attached to their children, because women are usually the caregivers of children.
Like all narcissists, her children are likely to be an extension of self, and a narcissistic woman’s influence on her children is impactful.
Children to a narcissistic woman may be engulfed as a source of narcissistic supply, or if she feels they don’t measure up in her eyes, or are not compliant enough to hand over narcissistic supply (the attention, recognition, significance and unwavering adoration that she demands) then she will project her unappeased ego self onto them in the form of criticism and punishment.
Often the narcissistic woman uses the outlet of her children as the dumpmaster for her internal shattered self, because they are defenseless targets.
Or her pathological selfishness may cause her to create caretakers and even “slaves” for her life, as she attempts to create enmeshments and dependencies that are complex and forged on guilt and obligation.
The withholding and then dispensing “love” is a way to cement these ties.
Most definitely, healing from a narcissistic parent and specifically a narcissistic mother, is essential in order to form and sustain healthy adult relationships in the future.
Sadly, until people do – if they are not someone suffering from NPD, and instead have taken on the co-dependent role in relationships (If I please you, you might love me) – it is very, very likely that the unhealed traumas from childhood will re-present in future relationship over and over.
Until healed.
Sadly, those who developed NPD as a result of narcissistic parenting will not choose inner healing.
Many people within this Community, who are NARP Members, have successfully working through that inner childhood trauma, and been released into healthy relationships within themselves and other healthy adults as a result of working with the NARP Program.
Healthy Relationships vs Narcissistic Ones
It’s important for us – men and women alike (because we ARE all in this together) – to understand that all love partners can have issues.
Just as we have …
And … it is in fact very true that the greatest growth opportunities we will ever have is “relationship” is where people bring up in us the stuff we need to heal, and vice versa.
However … when we are doing relationship with a narcissistic personality who has a terrible lack of self-awareness, and who operates in nasty, spoil, entitled, conscienceless ways …
And … when this person is addicted to being angry, upset and causing regular drama …
And does not learn, heal or grow from the consequences of their behaviour …
And we find ourselves being diminished piece by piece …
Something is terribly wrong.
This is not the love experience our Soul really desires at ALL.
What this tells us, is we need to heal.
We need to find out what has really been going on inside us unconsciously keeping us attached to this, and heal it.
So that we CAN get on a COMPLETELY different Life Trajectory.
The following in regard to abusers is an EPIC understanding which changes your Life forever.
We can’t change them, fix it or force them to behave differently in order for our life to start going right.
But we can do the ONE thing that narcissists will never do.
It is the ONE thing that distinguishes us, being wounded ourselves, from a narcissist.
It is also the ONE thing that removes us from their Energy Field and sets our life on a trajectory where narcissists don’t exist.
It is the ONE thing that also finally frees us from all pain, symptoms and trauma of abuse.
This …
Taking personal responsibility as adults to be the generative source of our own experience.
Meaning this … we can self-partner, come inside and meet ourselves and unravel, solve and heal the original or ancestral wounding within us which has made us susceptible and hooked to these people.
We can stop the patterns that have been handed down generation to generation.
Then … when we do that … we can break away and rebuild our lives from the losses.
In fact, we are freed to experience life at a level we were never able to do before we were abused.
I promise you – this is the truth.
Myself and thousands of other people in this Community are living that reality.
That is the healing for real work that I love helping people connect to … men and women who have suffered ANY type of narcissistic abuse.
I have the absolute joy every day of hearing people’s excitement, wonder, hope and lifeforce flooding back to them as a result of working with the NARP Program.
And thankfully after years or even decades of terrible trauma, many people are finding this shift within months or even weeks of getting started.
So the guys out there … please know this Community welcomes you with open arms – we have wonderful male NARP Members as well as male moderators in the NARP Forum.
Finally, I hope that everyone relates to this article in some way – heterosexual men and women and the male and female gay community.
And as always I would love to hear from you in the comments below!
My ex narc wife scapegoated me and the kids so much that the eldest child was having schizophrenic episodes. The second daughter grew up to be a narc just like her loony mother. The 3rd daughter married at 19 to get away and the youngest was the golden boy. All of them are so damaged that I hope they never have children of their own. I really hope they will seek to heal, but so far they militantly refuse to do so.
Sadly, I have gone no contact with 2 of my 4 children. I wish it was not so, but it is.
Hi Stephen,
my heart goes out to you and your children.
Yes, maybe one day they will seek healing.
Much love and prayers to your children, and to you.
Mel xo
Thanks for all the reads.. I had Stockeholm from a narco… Im literally a magnet for such personalities.. I studied everything I could on the subject and healed myself. I forward your emails and articles all the time.. Its embarrassing still.. To put my own personal advice on social media.. Unless its asked of me. Considered writing a book about female socio paths via narcos… Still considering if men would buy it.
Thanks again,
Sincerest,
James H. White.
P.S. On the behalf of men everywhere, thank you most for being an unbiased logical female, that writes for both sexes.
This disease… Seems to be more and more contagious.. I believe, ex partners of a narco can gain their exs tendencies after long enough exposure. “Filling the lack of ego / cracked ego” Instead of just loving themselves enough to date what they should have in the beginning. We all subconsciously know.. Low self esteem makes us naive.
I would be interested in such a book and have been thinking of turning my story into a somewhat fictionalized version.
Brilliant James. Hope you’re writing that book. I am two years recovered thanks to NARP and Mels profound effort knowledge and compassion fuels my healing every day! Thank you.
Dear Melanie. This article got me worried a lot. The biggest narcissist I know of is a woman. She’s the architect of the narcissist who’s making our lives a living hell since over 10 years right now. Knowing that there are men on this community puts me in a very uncomfortable spot nevertheless. I don’t feel free to write what I go through and how your writings are so spot on in terms of a recount of what I go through. I know my mother-in-law either hacked into my Facebook account or became a member of this community because she was spying on me all the time. Everything I wrote was forwarded to my husband as screenshots. I got hold of them by pure chance. Writing about the ordeal helps me immensely but when I discovered she was spying on me, I stopped. I felt that even the Liberty to write freely about all the daily torture was taken away from me. Believe me, I went back to “before Melanie and the NARP programme” times for a few months. It’s only very recently that I started writing again albeit less freely.
What sort of security or vetting do you put in place to make sure we are all genuine NARC victims?
Hi Tulay,
the absolute truth is any one of my two x narcs could be in this Community just as I could run into them at the local grocery store.
The truth is it is up to all of us to heal and empower and truly NOT care. What can they do when we reach that level? The truth is NOTHING … N’s only ever use our fear against us – all else falls completely flat.
That’s your goal Tulay.
Mel xo
Hello Miss Evans,
I think your articles and video’s are very helpful in understanding Narcissism! I am a bit confused,or maybe I should focus more on your own confusion from you being damaged from Narcissist abuse.First and foremost everything I will write here is “My Opinion”. As a very educated and well versed person in knowing people! This article clearly shows how damaged you are Miss Evans.Unfotunetely you are clearly a sexist,and I believe this is due to you yourself suffering from Narssisim!!! When you write articles about Narcissist men,you just SLAM,SLAM,SLAM MEN!!
Now your”Trying to write about woman Narcissists” and you still have that thorn in your side while trying to understand that men suffer the SAME effects when abused by a Narcissist woman.Maybe you should edit this horrific so called educated article on Narcissist woman.This article
“In my opinion” is you trying to educate men about Narcissist woman….and protecting woman at the same time!!! Double standards don’t work when writing Miss Evans.I find it really sad but true,that now I realize you are an EXTREAME NARCISSIT, trying to write about Narcissisim,mostly from your experience with the TWO Narcissists that you (CLAME) abused you with there NARCISSIT personalities.Maybe if you reread,this article,you will see how sexist you are!! And MAYBE this was part of your issues in relationships with MEN!!
As I mentioned earlier in my writing this reply to your (Drible) Everything here is “my opinion” and freedom of speech right as an American,according to our constitutional first Amendment!! If you would like a better understanding of reality and people,please don’t hesitate to contact me at…[email protected]!!
Sincerely,
Neil Noble
I tend to agree with some points you’ve made. Something that stuck out to me from this article is the constant self explaning and proclamations of what this article was not . That in itself was very weird at times I couldn’t where the article started and finished amongst the self explanations and proclaimations. Just something I noticed.
Wow!
Highly Educated? Spelling is atrocious, grammar is poor & you don’t express yourself in any way which substantiates your claim to understand people. Incredible that you allow yourself to look down on someone and then invite them to benefit from your narrow minded view by way of an private email interaction. Just reading your words tasted toxic to me and, perhaps, explains why your post has met with silence from the host. Good for her for acting on her words & not engaging.
Me? Even a Narcissist deserves a few crumbs of sustenance because it’s quite sad that you’re still unable to feed yourself. x
LOL, good one KC. Way to knock someone for poor spelling and grammar when you type, “…by way of an private email….” Hello pot, meet kettle.
Stephen,
It breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. I can relate by watching my wonderful husband being demonized by his ex-narc wife and having his eldest daughter poisoned against him. It is excruciating to watch and to realize there is nothing we can do to stop her. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. May all the pain caused by unconscious beings be healed!
Annie
The pain can be healed Annie. But to accomplish this healing, one has to detach from the unconscious identification with their thinking mind. Detach from the thoughts it incessantly produces, and that we tend to believe, when unconscious and unaware.
Stephen, I read your message here, as I also read the reply that Annie wrote to you. I just replied to Annie with this text: “The pain can be healed Annie. But to accomplish this healing, one has to detach from the unconscious identification with their thinking mind. Detach from the thoughts it incessantly produces, and that we tend to believe, when unconscious and unaware.” Clearly, what I was writing to Annie, applies more to you in this case. Healing is possible, but how to heal, is not promoted, nor supported, in the unconscious main stream world that we live in. Please read what I wrote to Annie, and try to feel for yourself, if this connects to something inside you. You can only find your liberation inside yourself. In conscious awareness and through detachment from your thinking mind and your thoughts. Anything else renders you dependent on others, and weakens you further, as you probably know from your own experiences already. Feel free to reach out with questions, should you feel the desire to do so.
Again thank you for your wisdom Melanie.
Here is navel gazing…am more often seen without makeup or the right clothes than not so why has going inside been almost unbearably painful I wonder?
Once more a genius article written with compassion.
More navel gazing…around my narcissistic family, at one time, I could not be seen without makeup so is it possible to become less of a narcissist I wonder? Always thought I am a co-dependant but now am confused….I really really hope that I am NOT a narcissist pretending to be codependent or is it possible to be a bit of both? Have never intentionally hurt those I love or even had children for that matter. The deceitful conscious characteristics don’t fit me but some of the insecure traits do. Damn. The last thing in the world I want to be is like my mother and not realize it!
Oops just started rereading the article. When triggered, wounds will have us acting narcissistic. Sorry about that.
Hey Angie
The fact that you’re here, reading Melanie’s articles and giving them serious thought, goes to show you aren’t all that ‘spoiled’ to begin with :).
A true disordered person feels too proud (i.e. False Pride) to even consider tapping into knowledge bases such as this one presented by Melanie.
They already believe to know better and don’t seek out help.
The fact you’re here, is already a fine step in the right direction in regard to healing :).
Hi Angie,
You are very welcome.
Angie, for all of us when we have gone inside and not been able to do it in ways where we get stuck in regurgitation, or in ways that are not super-present with love ..
Then yes, rather than being transformative it can be very painful.
That why I love working on the inside in Quantum Ways rather than contemporary ones.
Please know dear one, we all have suffered wounding and insecurities, regardless of whether that is codependent or narcissistic ..
When codependents are triggered they can act very narcissistically!
And … all narcissists are massively codependent!
This article may help you understand …https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-and-co-dependent-two-sides-of-the-same-coin/
Again, truly anyone can heal if they decide to go inside, meet their wounds with love and dedication and want to transcend their wounding.
The very fact you are totally admitting your own wounding would mean you are NOT a narcissist!
It’s just possible that you have not found the key to your recovery yet (as many of us battled for years with – prior to this).
Angie I would love you to come into my next Webinar Group kicking off shortly https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – it would help you understand so much – as well as the way out of this.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Hi Angie,
The very fact that you are looking carefully at yourself to see whether or not you are a narcissist actually indicates you are not a narcissist.
Yes, those wounds that have not healed yet, they can be unexpectedly triggered. Now that you have seen that, the next step is to give yourself a pat on the back! It’s good news- the fact that you have noticed that A) You are still working on old wounds and B) You recognize the need to heal them!
That takes a good amount of introspection that narcs do not have.
Melanie’s NARP program is greatly helpful. You can also get into healthy things like Hatha Yoga, Falun Gong, and finding out the best foods and vitamins would be for you.
Something else that may help is prayer. Pray for strength, and you will get it. Think about really forgiving your mom; realize that you are not her and you never will be her, and see that actually she is doing the best she can with what she has; this is true of everyone. When you are able to think of her with what I call Distant Compassion (distant because it is really best to go No Contact with narcissists) and not get triggered than you know you are on the road to healing – within yourself- your relationship with her. You cannot heal her. No one can, except the Divine. That is her business; her story. Your story is not her story; your story is yours!
So what exactly is this forgiveness thing? It is understanding that the other does not really know what they are doing, and not taking anything from them personally anymore. It is being compassionate, and dropping any grudges held. The saying “Forgive and Forget” really means to drop grudges held against the other, remember the lessons learned when they did or said something to hurt you, and forget any grudges or anger. It does not mean you should trust the other person who did or said the hurtful things.
Keep us posted!
Cheers!
I am in hell over this same thing Angie as I see some of these traits in myself, yet I know I have never intentionally tried to hurt anybody…. There is just so much information that it overwhelms you. I have done these healings and yet I don’t feel as if I am progressing so that is something else that makes me think I am the Narc…
Thank you for the great article Mel. Being a lesbian it was great to read about the female narc of which there has been three long term relationships in my life. My mother being the fourth. Funny though, one woman who wasn’t a narc I treated quite badly-I wonder was it because a normal undramatic relationship was alien to me.
I have been Narc free for a year now, no contact since feb, when I started to learn about narcissism it was so easy to let my narc go after eight years, it was like a lightbulb had gone on inside.
I now see all my mothers narc traits, the attention seeking, drama, self obsorbed, the dark rages, manipulating of her children then one sibling against another. Me me me!
Narcisstic mothers cause so much damage, I also feel as I was nearly parenting my mother I never reached my full potential academically and could have achieved a lot more then I did. So her abuse affected the personal & professional parts if my life.
I recognised I had walked straight from my mother to women who were exactly like her…but I couldn’t see it at the time.
At the moment I’m being bullied by my narcs flying monkeys but I’m taking the high road and know eventually they will see the real person behind the mask-I’ve been blessed with many friends of us both who could see what I couldn’t and have stood by my side and turned their backs on her.
Hi Sue,
you are welcome, and it is lovely to hear from people from the gay community – thank you for posting!
I am so pleased for you that you have pulled away and have wonderful support in you life, and I wish you much healing and the turning around of the pattern – so that you do generate the wonderful life you deserve.
Bless!
Mel xo
How do you know all this? It’s my experience exactly. Thanks.
Hi Carlos,
because I have been narc abused myself!!
And because I have been helping men and women recover for eight years!
You are so welcome Carlos!
Mel xo
Not to rip on psychologists, but sometimes experience is the only effective teacher. If it’s the right person, it can lead to highly evolved knowledge in a given area. Melanie is the right person and has the drive, passion, courage and empathy which leads to helping others.
Thank you, Melanie.
Cheers JC!
Mel xo
i am in a relation with a narcissistic women…..who loves money…..and she does any thing for money….how to cure her?
Mubeen…..No cure, get out fast and do the Narp course so you don’t keep attracting them
…..you don’t – you cure yourself
Hi Mel! Great article once again. I’d love for you to comment on whether you have seen 2 Narcs team up as a romantic couple for long term; all these female Nazc features seem accurate for my P husband’s OW… they are in an adulterous relationship for over 6 years; their age difference is about 15 years (she was his student). My husband is a Psychopath himself having tortured me for over 20 years, then found this new target.. she seems as deceitful and conscienceless as him; but they have not broken up, he seems as devoted to her as he was in the beginning, but both still deny the affair even though I have all evidence…
Hi Stronger,
The truth is I am not the right person to talk about that – because I am only interested in the narcissist in relation to the person healing from a narcissist – and therefore two narcissists that a person is concerned about is not my filed of healing research or practice.
My concern is only about why that person would be hurt, concerned and bullied and how to do the work in their own body to up level and heal from that – at a deep core level.
In my experience finding out about the narcissist or narcissists cognitively does not provide that healing.
The other truth is I don’t actually know of any N relationships that I have studied or learnt about … so I really can’t comment.
Mel xo
Thank you Dear Mel!
I agree that it should be none of my business how or what goes on between them.. I need to focus only on myself…
Thanks for all you do.
My pleasure Stronger,
and thank you for your graciousness!
Mel xo
I too am of the opinion that my ex is with a narcissist, he is one as well. He dumped me without warning for a woman 25 years his junior. We had spent 26 years together in what I thought was a good relationship, not perfect but towards the end nothing I did was right, he was an, angry, cruel person who did his best to devalue and taunt me with her. She has a Facebook page with nothing but photos of herself, posing, fully made up and continually fishing for compliments from her thousand or so male admirers. He brought her into our home probably numerous times when I was at work and one time the family dog brought her bra to me which obviously she left behind deliberately to taunt me. He defended her saying she must have forgotten to put it on. He moved out to be with her 12 months ago, our home is sold, our assets split. I couldn’t be happier, but I’m curious as to how two narcissists will get on. I visualise it as two snakes mating but perhaps they have both met their match.
Thanks, Melanie, for sharing another very interesting article.
Yep, she kept our kids away from me after my money ran out. She thought that I would be the perfectly obedient mobile ATM but she turned out to be wrong… so she had more and more TANTRUMS in front of our daughters and even close friends, which was deeply humiliating and upsetting. I believe that she needed the children so she could feel complete in herself… and she has turned them against me… in typical control freak fashion!
A friend explained the difference between a TANTRUM (which is manipulative behaviour with the intention of hurting the Narc supply) and a MELTDOWN (which is an involuntary explosive expression which is not intended to hurt anyone). It seems that women are more prone to TANTRUMS whereas men seem more prone to MELTDOWNS. That’s from my experience as a man who has Aspergers. Any comments?
Hi Phillip,
I do agree that women will tend more towards the
“histrionic” side which is tantrums – yet “hot” male narcissists can totally do the same thing.
Tantrums are a feeling of powerlessness when severely triggered and a reaction of rage expressed that is covering over deep fears and trauma.
It is all to do with trapped internal trauma.
The more a person has unresolved wounding which they are self-avoiding (refusing to meet and transform) and self-medicating with “stuff” and “people” to escape themselves, the more unhealthy those inner wounded parts become, and the more these fissures will explode to the surface when triggered (which of course is going to happen – because it is not a True Self state to be wounded).
On a finer and finer detonation wire.
That is my definition of a tantrum – female or male.
Mel xo
Wonderful Article Mel, great to see such good and accurate material for the guys.
It can be a long road to recovery after a female Narc has done her damage. I would hate to think where I still may well be without your program.
Hi Philly!!
Our wonderful NARP Forum male moderator!!
I am so pleased you liked this – and thank goodness you did NARP!!
Because … just look at you now 🙂
Mel xo
Thanks for the article.
Fascinating (as always) and spot on.
The things mentioned above are very accurate.
Hoping people will feel less excluded.
I lived with a disordered individual for a year, who was financially irresponsible (and this was a guy).
So, financial carnage goes both ways. It’s not just exclusively reserved to men (being affected, that is).
Thank God I was disabled and didn’t have any source of income, because I know for sure (intuitively) the guy would’ve sabotaged any of my efforts to become financially independent by using debt as a means of control.
I had some powerful beliefs that kept me hooked (i.e. sense of responsibility – even though I was the physically sick one – go figure!).
I realize now how certain ways I felt and behaved occurred in Perfect Divine Order. And it saved me from debt, uff!
I thank my intuition for that. I’m never taken this intuitive connection for granted again. At least, not in this lifetime, and hopefully not in many more lifetimes to come.
Hi Miba,
I am glad you enjoyed the article!
So, so true our intuition is our greatest warning system – so, so important!!
Mel xo
I am now 75 and spent 16 years in a lesbian relationship with a narcissist woman. I experienced all of the above and am struck now by the particularly female methods she used to subjugate me – things like knowing I love gardening and plants and finding multiple ways to deny that pleasure to me. She bought the plants I wanted to buy and decided that only she knew how and where to plant them -this ensured that she would garner the accolades for the beauty of the garden and be the center of attention. Killing my pleasure was just one thing among thousands of ways she found to invalidate me. The worst thing was throwing a tantrum whenever I began to enjoy myself with friends or family. No photos of my children and grandchildren were allowed to be in the house. Whatever I wanted -friends, family visits, training for my work as a therapist, was tied systematically to an intimidating negative consequence, that being days and weeks of rage filled scornful tirades generally ending with a full on witches curse: “you will end up miserable and alone in old age and die alone and unsupported.” My deepest fear of course. For her, I was the cruel one, she was always the victim – so confusing! – yet three different therapists told me what was happening was abusive to me and encouraged me to leave. I struggled with illness, sleeplessness, numbness, dissociation and abandonment issues but since leaving her how I celebrate having my own garden now! Thank you for getting the word out Melanie -too few people fully understand NPD – I certainly didn’t. It was hardly mentioned in my training. I understand now that I was too lonely inside. I upheld an all loving spirituality which deluded me into altruistic giving and I hardly realized the danger I was in. I was not and never could be the “cold hearted bitch” she thought I was -“you will die if you leave me and your family won’t help you” ” I did not “die” and despite her having threatened a “vengeful suicide”. I have got away from her and I’ve got my life back. I am alone and alive and returned to my family and my country. Life is again precious and I know I am cherished by my family, my friends and all who know who I really am.
Thanks for listening.
Liz – I too have been living with a narcissistic woman for a long time – close to 15 years, now. I finally moved out a couple of weeks ago.
Your description of your relationship hits home in so many ways, down to the gardening part. I once made the mistake of ordering plants for myself – and got the worse rage in return, because she had planned out the garden, and there was no space for one pot for myself.
And yes, I too am the cruel one, she is the victim, and she is still busy sucking me dry, energy wise, and financially – but the end is at least in sight.
Thank you for sharing your story!
And thank you Melanie for writing this article and all you do! You are so spot on with describing the female narc. way (except for the make-up obsession – that’s often not an issue for lesbians, in my experience). While I know that my focus needs to be on myself, you reinforce that I did the right thing in leaving.
Hi Kimberley,
you are very welcome,and yes good point re lesbian narcissists and makeup!
I am so happy for you that the end is in sight and that you have broken away.
Mel xo
Hi Liz,
Goodness it is so true that altruistic spirituality can certainly take us down the path of not understand that “unconditional love” MUST start with self!
I so, so hope you heal and get to experience the joy of your True Self after this ordeal.
You, like all of us deserve emotional emancipation and our Highest and Best Life.
Love and hugs
Mel xo
Bei den EriinffungsfeÃerlichke¶ten wurden folgende Personen in ein Amt der freien Republik Steamtopia erwählt:- Miss Wheelie Faraway: von Beruf Kurierdienstlerin wurde ins Finanzministerium berufen- Fräulein Mona Wagner wurde mit einer Auszeichnung als Ehrenbürger der Republik aufgenommen und in die Graphikabteilung des Kreationsministeriums berufen- Sir Hortius Steam, wurde der Orden der Ritterlickeit übergeben und als Ehrenbürger und Staatserfinder in die Republik aufgenommen.Telegramm Ende
Hoi Maaike,Mag ik vragen welke broodbakmachine jij hebt? Ik heb er een gezien, maar die heeft geen aparte programma voor alleen maar kneden en rijzen?groet,GaianeVan Gaiane op 29.09.11 3:39 pm
Liz, I am in the midst of a similar situation. Would love to connect and visit. [email protected]
Julie
Hi Mel,
it’s funny – I have met many narcissistic girlfriends in my life but never ever stuck with them in same way I stuck with narcissistic or unavailable dudes.
I have a question slighly OT, in the article you say that the only difference between Narc and non narc is the ability to recognize their wounding and do something about it. This got me a bit confused, as the person I have been for years was very much aware of carrying wounds – he would shove them off in your face since date 1. He has built a whole identity of being a waif, a person traumatized from childhood abandonment (which is a partial truth, because despite an abandonment trauma might have occured, his mother is also abusive which he doesn’t see, so she was probably more damaging when present) and justifying all of his acting out with that.
He would also apologize a lot – but kept doing narc business as usual. He had therapy few times and everytime that it seemed he “got it”, he reverted back to old behaviour after a while. So the last time he made contact with me, he said that he is going to therapy and was committed to change, however he also re-stated the same things about fearing abandonment that he always said, except presenting them as “news” this time, which was frankly weird. Plus, he has lied to me so many times that I didn’t feel like I could trust any of his words.
Now, I truly wish him to heal and change for his own good, but after all I’ve seen about him I cannot really tell what’s true and what’s fake in regard to accountability. So I have decided to let it go, but when I read that Narcs are not capable of saying there’s something wrong with them I go a bit “oh maybe he wasn’t so bad after all”. The truth is, he is making contact to say such things but also knows that I am not happy with that, so to me it is still boundaries violation – even if he wrote to tell me he turned into Jesus.
What do you think of people who display Narc behaviour, unconsciousness and lying but use childhood wounding as a free-pass to get away with it and seem to genuinely “get it” for a while and then revert back like their memory was erased?
Thanks xxx
Ps. I am very well aware that we are not supposed to focus on Narcs behaviour, but I am very strict on the 90-10% rule so I felt free to ask as I have had some confusion about this for a while now. Thanks.
Hey Lady J 🙂
‘the ability to recognize their wounding and do something about it’
The second part of this phrase is the most important: doing something about the wounds (in a durable, continuous, dilligent manner).
Doing something about the wounds, means meeting Self (warts and all), and take full responsibility for recovery (not relentlessly wallow in pain and diffuse pain by projecting on others – thru blame).
Miba, I really like your reply to Lady Jedi’s post. I have wondered about the very same thing she wrote about and what you brought our attention to in your reply is just SO right, knowledge alone is nothing without the action following accordingly! Then the acts are like the proof that you indeed *got it*! 🙂 Isn’t it funny how so often the truth is so simple, only us humans tend to make everything else around it so complicated LOL
Hi Lady Jedi,
I 100% agree with Miba’s comment – she nailed it!
Mel xo
How I wish I would have discovered you years ago, Melanie. I have read everything you’ve sent to date and agree with all of it.
The good news is, I have stopped focusing on the malignant female narcissist who used and abused me, and through therapy I went back into my childhood and found when I started believing I was unworthy of love.
Now I am re-parenting myself and doing well.
No contact with the narcissist for years now. No desire for contact, either.
She was a dark spirit, brought forth to drag me to the point where healing had to be my top priority.
Nobody had the evil skills to demolish me as well as she did. I must give her credit for being the only one horrible enough to drive me back to childhood to seek where it all went wrong.
I have forgiven her (in my own head) but I don’t think she deserves to know that.
Yes, I do occasionally miss who I thought she was, but I know that person was created as a tool to get her way. That person never existed.
I feel your excellent practice will help many overcome the nightmare of loving a narcissist. I’ve overcome it and reading your words just remind me of where I was, not where I am.
As such, I plan to unsubscribe with much respect and appreciation for what you do. Healing can be done. I’ve done it.
Thank you for your excellent work.
Hi Karen,
I think at some level so many of us wish we knew years ago – but truly our journey has been exacted what it was supposed to.
And would we had been ready years ago? I know I would not have been!
Yes healing can be done – and truly when we really hit it – we know these people helped us unravel and transcend those parts of us that were always limiting us in areas of our life.
There is nothing like a narcissist bringing the necessity of fast-track and powerful evolution!
And for that – from the two N’s in my life (as well as other abusive people) I am beyond grateful.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie i have been following your blogs on narcissism since i went looking for answers as to why my ex husband behaved the way he did and its really helped me understand whats going on with them, regarding the f email narcissist are they prone to picking fights all the time ,i ask because for the last 40 years every time i am near this woman, and i try not to be, she goes out of her way to get close to me then starts trying to goad me in to a fight with her,i always walk away from her and dont give her any reaction but it does not work, do you think narcissism might be at the bottom of it i have done nothing to her so have no clue where it comes from, she does think she is a hard woman although she is 60 years old, she thinks she has to prove how hard she is,do you think it,s narcissism or she just a idiot
Hi Ann,
when people pick fights in our experience what is really happening is TWO egos at play.
These are wounds colliding .. because if we were unwounded we would not fight back – we would simply know and declare Who We Are, not need their validation and walk away to become “more of that”.
Knowing “exactly” what someone else is or even why they do something never grants us our emancipation, what does is healing our own wounds so we are no longer hooked in.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for this article. I have been reading the two e books that came with me becoming a member and I am ready to focus on myself as I believe I never healed or even took ownership of my childhood wounds and this led me to be in a very traumatising relationship. I have in the last week been diagnosed as having PTSD and I am not coping well.
I am trying to not read anything more about narcissism as I agree it is feeding this peptide need within me. But I know I am still addicted not to my ex but those false good times. The utter dreadful feeling of loneliness and depression pins me down like a fog in my head and heart.
I am looking forward to the webinar. And as soon as I can afford it NARP. I lost all of my finances and just like my physical and mental being, I am rebuilding my life slowly.
No Contact is beautiful in a sense but a prison in another. I have friends and family who don’t understand what I am going through and it is worse than anything not being able to have supportive people around me.
But I know that this past relationship and this sadness is my soul’s way of saying “Petar, it’s time to heal.” And I am ready for it.
This addiction feeling is worse than anything I have ever felt before.
Hi Petar, I would like to comment on this:
“No Contact is beautiful in a sense but a prison in another. I have friends and family who don’t understand what I am going through and it is worse than anything not being able to have supportive people around me.”
I totally know what you mean, esp. with other family members not understanding. What helps me is the knowing that once my biggest triggers are healed that I will meet more healthy non-narc people because I will be an energetic match for them AND until I get there I know there is always the NARP community in the forum to help me out and offer support. I know that having people right by your side, physically, being able to give you a ‘real-life’ hug, is different to online support, but that also will come in time as you keep healing and uplevelling.
According to NARP, when we learn to be our best support *ourselves*, meeting other people supporting us in healthy ways and us being able to let those people in to our lives, will then be possible, too.
One more thing just came to my mind, I think there is actually a real blessing hidden in the times when we feel we are alone and have no people in our direct environment to turn to for comfort, because THEN it’s really up to US to take care of ourselves (to come inside, meet US and start to *self partner*), which is what we are ‘supposed’ to learn to do anyway ( = Soul Truth, what the Superconscious of every person wants for them), because that is where the ways to a good life all start.
Bless Hope!
Your post is totally on it!!
Mel xo
Hi Petar,
you are very welcome.
It is wonderful you are turning inwards to your true power which is 100% internal responsibility.
I so, so promise you will get through this and working with NARP will get you on the path of wellbeing and healing before you know it.
You are ready Petar – you’ve got this!!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie, awesome article once again. I would like to reinforce the fact that you also speak to the male gender in your writings. I have never felt a bias in your thoughts. When I first joined NARP I mainly did nothing but the modules which helped greatly but I also read a lot of the posts. It wasn’t until I started posting that the painful childhood memories came in earnest and gave me the material necessary to cast out and level up in the modules. The female gender it seems has an easier time expressing their emotions, something we as men learn at an early age to suppress. I started posting, mostly to help others, but then I was able to start releasing my deeply suppressed emotions which brought a flood of wounds from my childhood memories that needed to be healed. Once the dam broke the flow of freedom and liberation washed away my co-dependency and gave me back to myself. With the help from all the moderators, especially Claire and her tireless persistence, and the support from the members (mostly women) I have become whole for the first time ever in my life.
Cognitively trying to understand why narcissism exist to invade the innocent life is extremely complex and is defined in many, many different ways. Everything from them having no conscience to never contagiously yawning (it is above them to copy others) but as you are able to accept responsibility for your actions then be willing to make amends to yourself, life can become beautiful.
Once again as you always do Melanie, you bring it back to us and that my friend is truly where it belongs.
Thanks and Love, Bob
Hi Bob,
thank you and I am so glad you enjoyed it!
That is so wonderful that you have been up levelling and working with what has come up with the Modules.
I LOVE that you have been interacting and sharing and reaching out – because you are sooooo right traditionally men have been programmed not to open up and be vulnerable.
Thank you for being a groundbreaker for our New Evolved World!
So true – it is where the power does belong Bob, dear man!
Mel xo
My N was a female, and a boss. I have found your words to be dead on point regardless of the fact that I am not nor ever was in a love relationship with her… It was strictly boss to subordinate role (and “insubordinate” was a word used frequently). The reliance on her for my job and income put a different spin on things, but the behavior and my reaction was the same. She was covert as an N, and I think this needs more discussion- the difference between an extroverted N and a covert N. Mine hid behind introversion and the fact that she was doing good in the world- changing lives, looking after people. I was defending her often, because speaking negatively about someone is not how I want to live. But speaking negatively eventually became my defense mechanism. And I became ugly to myself because of it. But there is another difference Melanie that you didn’t mention… And that is how women interact with other women. I was accused of dressing poorly, not to standard, and this became a source of contention .. But it was really just projection. Yet I struggled to be comfortable in my attire because I was judged by it, even though I understood where it came from (insecurity, projection, chronic miscommunication of expectations) I might not have reacted so strongly if a male boss had said anything, nor would I have felt so affronted when the standard set for me was not followed by her. Also, women behave differently with other women than they do with men. N’s conform to that gender difference even tho as you said, the N underlying behavior is the same regardless of gender. I love this blog and everything you said, except that a covert N (female) will show signs that are different than an extravert N (female). Add to that a workplace situation, and how women are in the workplace… More levels of challenge.
Hi Melissa,
I do agree there are subtle differences between the covert and overt N, and yet all N’s are covert because they could never get what they wanted if they just wore “narcissist” on their forehead.
And generally even the most covert ones when the mask drops and are triggered into a narcissistic rage become “overt”.
Melissa, yes as women we may get triggered (which absolutely requires our own healing as to why we take it on as triggers), but please know narcissistic men can also make disparaging remarks about ANYTHING that will get a trigger including how we dress.
The truth is narcissist male or women sniff out your weak links and use them against you.
The same narcissist will use different tactics on different people to emotionally cripple them and gain control over them and be able to dump their tortured true self onto you – which means dispensing the punishment that will affect you.
I have had this proved to me several times over when different victims to the same narcissist are treated completely differently …. according to what is going to “work” against you.
At the end of the day Melissa, it is much less about “them” and so much more about healing the parts of ourselves that were triggered and targeted by the N – whoever they were or what “version”.
I am so glad you are enjoying the blog!
Mel xo
Thank you for this! My boyfriend’s ex-wife is a narcissist. Her abuse was so bad, she had actually convinced HIM that HE was the narcissist! It took him getting out of an 18 year marriage to her and lots & lots of therapy to realize that he was never the problem. It is very, very sad when kids are involved. His son lives with us now because he could not take her abuse anymore, but his daughter is still trapped with her narcissistic mother. She refers to the little girl as her “clone” and bragged on facebook about older 16-17 year old teenage boys hitting on the girl when she was just 11! O_O She (the mother) seemed to see it as proof that SHE was attractive, because the girl is her “clone.”
Her story has always been that my boyfriend was the abusive one, and she has always been the “victim.” Her story changes depending on the situation and who she is talking to, she has claimed publicly that she “left him because he was abusive” so that she is the triumphant, brave, survivor, and also that “he abandoned her and the kids leaving them penniless” so she is again the victim and survivor. She’s said on facebook that he doesn’t pay child support even when he has never missed a payment. She has kept his family members as facebook friends so they can see these claims, so she makes sure that he hears about all the lies. She pretended to have cancer for a while and only admitted to lying about it when his lawyer subpoenaed her medical records. Now she claims she never said she had cancer!
The thing that is fantastical to me is that so many people believe her lies and have no idea how toxic she is. The latest in a long line of drama is that she has now kidnapped his daughter, moving to a different state for the 4th time in 4 years, but this time she has not notified him or the court of the new address even though they have joint legal custody. Because the courts here still favor the mother, she has had no consequences for anything she has done including not retaining a lawyer and drawing out proceedings as long as possible. I can only hope that the court FINALLY decides to hold her responsible for her actions now that she is in blatant violation of the court.
Hi Stacey,
yu are welcome.
I hope that you do both gain resolution.
The most important thing to do is detach as much as possible emotionally whilst doing what you need to in the way of taking action.
When we are emotionally charged and in pain and combat it feeds narcissists.
Getting the right results are all about cutting off that supply.
Wishing you all the best.
Mel xo
Great article Mel! I forwarded a copy to my son who is going through a divorce and custody proceeding with his soon to be ex spouse. As I read the article, I could see how my wounded behavior at times appeared to be narcissistic. I love the clarity that distinguished the true N from Co-dependent. I can see with clarity that I was raised by a N aunt. The only one who sought therapy was me. I paired with strong N partners who could not understand, therefore attempt to heal, their own wounding. I spent seven years with a trauma specialist to no avail. This program is doing what nothing could do for me. Currently my son is visiting from out of state. Because of the work I continue to do through your brilliant program, I can say that I currently have absolutely NO abusive situations going on in my life. I feel love and am staying in a state of love which is radiating from me. I can see how relaxed and happy my sons are around me as I continue to remain in the present with them. This is the first time I can truly say the “baggage” is emptied. Bless you Melanie and the dedication that you have to provide a valuable service not only for those of us who suffered but for humanity. As we evolve, we cease being part of the problem to part of the solution. Love to you, “angelsone”.
Hi Dorothy,
I am glad you enjoyed it and I hope it can help your son.
That’s great that you understand the distinction between co-dep and N.
That is wonderful Dorothy that you are getting such great results with NARP, and have moved into the trajectory of your True Self and True Life (which we do when we become “unwounded”).
I love your level of consciousness Dorothy and thank you for being a part of our new evolving world!
Much Love
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie , insightful , as usual. They take everything away from you , they are ruining yourself on everything, even your own children. To survive you have to rethink your whole own life, it is a hard long way to go and I do not want my worst enemy the darkness I have met .
Hi Xavante,
you are very welcome 🙂
Mel xo
Good article. It was you Melissa, that opened my eyes to defining the narcissists in my family.
I understand that some want to turn this into a man versus woman thing. As you have pointed out repeatedly, it’s not.
My elderly mother is and has always been a narcissist and more, and my brother is also a lifelong bully to me and probably a sociopath (my mother too)
They are both prolific pathological liars and very controlling. They actually team up against me sometimes, and I have always been the one blamed for absolutely everything. It was always impossible to have a “normal” conversation in my family and I was mostly ignored and or condemned.
As a result of this upbringing and emotional abuse, my life lacked/s the tools to be assertive and successful…at anything, never married, no children, no friends, unemployed and on the verge of homelessness, meek, hopeless, hurting, bitter and alone. Nothing has seemed to help from psychologists and therapists with my mental state (all my life I called it shyness when now I see it as a result of being “badgered” into silence by my family)
I never had the vocabulary for this until I turned 60 last year, although I knew that they were always toxic to me.
I have avoided my brother my whole life if I could and only recently blocked and stopped all communications with my brother because of his bullying and character assassinations and this lead to very vindictive and damaging communications/actions from him, even costing me my rightful share of a million dollar trust set up by my now deceased father. (my brother is trustee)
I still do not respond nor fight because I do understand that, as you point out, this simply feeds them and leads to a continued abuse. But even not communicating seems to feed them and gets worse for me, the abuse doesn’t stop.
The feelings of hopelessness and despair are so overwhelming that I sometime wonder why I am still alive.
I am wary but will give your program a try.
Melanie, I am sorry, I called you “Melissa”-I don’t know why. Sorry.
Please get legal help concerning your inheritance
Hi Mark,
no prob re calling me Melissa!
I love that you realise this is NOT a man versus woman thing!
It’s actually not even an N versus us thing! It is a consciousness versus unconsciousness thing -meaning who is or isn’t going to heal their inner traumas…
I so hope you do move onto that path Mark, because I promise you relief and freedom is possible regardless of the unthinkable things that have happened.
That is what NARP helps us create within our own being.
Bless and wishing you your due healing.
Mel xo
Mark – how brave and courageous of you to step up and give Melanie’s program a try when you’re obviously feeling wary and not too hopeful (which is understandable considering your experiences). Melanie has given examples of others in your shoes (in articles of hers), who later in life and feeling like they were at the end of their rope (their life was basically in tatters), were able to overcome, thrive and shine! You can do this, too, Mark and this program will ensure that you are able to create a life that you truly deserve. We are rooting for you and believing in you!
Thanx Melanie for this article! I’m 77 , a retired therapist, and the daughter of the Queen of Narcissism. Though we weren’t married, the tricks of the trade she employed with my Dad were also used on me…the only child.Both my brothers dies and she was upset that I had survived and not them. We have 3 kids: 2 girls and one boy in the middle. My Mom always favored men and he became the. Apple of her eye and he became her favored one. He always felt that the girls got more than him and he was “cheated of my full share” of life. Life became a nightmare in his senior
( continued) senior year of high school and worsened in young adulthood. He blamed me & my husband for so much and I was devastated that he would ignore my letters , etc. but then act as if nothing was wrong around others. He became a pastor and then hundreds thought he was just amazing. After 20 years, I began withdrawing from him as I couldn’t take the pain anymore and my heart showed the stress the most.Two years ago, he wrote a letter explaining that it wasn’t his circus or his monkeys and wouldn’t take the blame for relationship problems….our oldest daughter said, “Mom… It IS his circus and all the monkeys are his!) it’s been a difficult journey away from his abuse and my co-dependency but I am closer to sanity. I am grateful for all the teaching you have provided.
Hi Sunny,
you are welcome and I am so sorry you have gone through so much, and condolences for the loss of your brothers.
Wishing you much healing.
Mel xo
“The very fact you are totally admitting your own wounding would mean you are NOT a narcissist!”
It’s good to hear this from Melanie earlier in the comments. I also see narcissistic tendencies in myself. My mind constantly wants to revert to ways that ignore the self and see others as the problem. Criticizing and blaming people. It goes nowhere. The flip side of the anger issues I have is over seeking outside gratification, acceptance, and approval in order to feel self worth. It’s a vicious cycle, it’s in motion, and will take some time to stop—but it’s really past time to stop and I hope this community will help provide a solution for me.
I tested at 112 on Melanie’s test when I first came across this site about a month ago. I just finished the newsletter series. I haven’t joined the NARP program yet but I plan to. Thanks.
HI JC,
your level of self-awareness is amazing.
I promise you on NARP and within the NARP Forum you will fast-track to the bottom of this as well as the full solution, if you are ready to do the work
Mel xo
Expectations can have a major impact on our perspective
Okay, so narcissists and co-dependent Empaths all are wounded. I get that. Here’s my question: what makes one become a narcissist and another to become a co-dependent? Is there an element of choice here? Is there some responsibility for a narcissist becoming a narcissist in the first place? Or is it something he/she can’t help?
Hi Jennie,
there are predispositions in all of our genetic makeup even before we are born.
The tendency is this – “I will try to control (manipulate) you to not get hurt”, or “I will give you everything I can to keep you happy to not get hurt”.
The child will discover what tactic works best and naturally with their innate personality will steer one way or the other.
It is arguable that the most sensitive (emotionally affected) and the one that feels the most annihilated will tend N – to survive.
Especially when it comes down to the “need” to kill off the Ture Self and put a fictitious character in its place- as a “buffer”.
That goes like this “The real me can’t cope, can’t get his / her needs met and is being annihilated … I have to get rid of the Real Me or I will be annihilated”.
That’s pretty extreme …
Mel xo
I am seeing a psychologist due to the effects of this type of toxic relationship. Little is understood about domestic abuse in the Caribbean where I live and added to that, has been stigma based on paternalistic traditions. I was actually laughed at in court, by male police officers, when I was telling the female Magistrate about having been physically attacked by my much smaller wife. The Magistrate even smiled and shook her head. And this was in proceedings brought by my wife accusing me of domestic violence.
All of the education this part of the world is about male perpetrators of abuse. Your article is much valued because I plan to use it to enlighten other people (male & female). Many of us are unable to have fair access to our children because they tend to be used against us as our “Hurt” button. For simply asking how my daughter got a burn I saw on her arm, I have had no further chance to see her or even talk to her on the phone.
Thank you for your inspirational work & sharing.
Hi Ju,
I am so sorry you had been through what you have.
You are welcome and I hope my material can help.
Mel xo
Mel`s list in this article should be in a textbook for men that feel trapped within a “relationship” with a NARC “mate.” I am a male who locked the front door…jumped in a pickup truck with a few belongings and ran….never looking back now in 4 years.
A recent study made states that the abuse ratio between men and women is 50:50. We men just do not report the abuse through fear and embarrassment.
For each abusive act on Mel’s list I can recall an example of being a target for that. I had no idea at the time that my abuser was a NARC. As she states, things start out blissfully and then the long slow spiral into insanity begins.
I could fill page after page of experiences that gave me high blood pressure that was very serious.
To this day, I am still trying to rebuild lost friendships due to her jealousy and threats that were nothing more than mind control techniques used by narcissistic leaders of violent religious cults.
Growing up with Narc parents gave me no “heads up” warnings about hooking up with a serial Narc.
Very soon, I will finally be able to join Narp and finish up properly the self healing process that must be done in order to become fully healed and healthy.
Men need more information like this article and it needs to become mainstream. There is no shame.
We do not have to live like animals once the front door is locked behind us at night any longer.
Hi WJBMowtown,
I totally agree that there is a lot more abuse by females that is recognised and sadly … for obvious reasons … many men don’t report it.
That is lovely that you are going to join us as a NARP Member, I would love to have you in our NARP Forum.
I think you are going to be a wonderful advocate for men!
Mel xo
WJBMotown,
I totally get what you say about cults and mind control techniques. Growing up with Narcissists is very like being raised in a cult. Completely different from the way “normal” family systems operate. Everything is topsy-turvy, inexplicable, crazy, confusing and contrary. Gas-lighting is in itself is incredibly psychologically damaging. When cult members escape or are rescued, they usually receive de-briefing to help them adjust to normal life. I believe that the Narcissistically abused should receive this too. Otherwise, we just keep on attracting more abuse by way of our unhealed wounds and the limiting belief systems our experiences have caused us to internalise, also because Ns feel familiar. For me, Mel and NARP have provided that much-needed de-briefing……..Im so glad you are going to become a NARP-er, you will never regret it! good luck! x
Hi Mel and Community!
As well as being intensely drawn to male Narcissistic romantic partners, for many years I had a repetitive pattern of becoming friends with female Ns. I would get to know someone and feel that I had loads in common with them. They would present themselves as loyal and trustworthy and encourage me to confide in them, as well as having great times socially. Then gradually, the dynamic would change. They would become demanding and domineering, constantly expecting favours and wanting me at their beck and call, while no longer showing the slightest interest or concern toward me and my life. Its as if I had become a prop on their stage, a kind of social worker/servant combo. They would become extremely envious and resentful of any success or good luck I had in my life, and would take any opportunity to sabotage it. I would then become unable to endure any more of it and walk away, but then the “friend” would play victim and wage a hate campaign against me. Now of course, I know that this pattern was a repetition of my relationship with the first female Narc in my life – my mother. But it was the same unhealed wounds and dynamics that attracted me to male Narcs……….weak boundary function, feeling “not good enough”, desperate for love and approval from sources outside myself and consummate people-pleasing. So I don’t think there is a lot of difference between male and female Ns. They are all just severely wounded kids, like we were. For a long time I felt extremely angry at my mother, but now I see her as my greatest evolutionary teacher. I believe that I have been abused through several past lifetimes, and that before I incarnated into this one, I asked Source to throw as many Narcissists into my path, as it would take to get me conscious. I’m very grateful to all of them! Much love xxx
Hi Sylvia,
lovely to hear from you dear one!!
I always love your amazing self-reflection, incredible personal responsibility and the way you have taken on the healing of your wounds.
I agree with you Sylvia, and we have had the same path, choosing TONS of stuff to smash into us!! How glorious to break through and start becoming and expressing our True Selves … it’s all been SO worth it!!
Much love to you too.
Mel xo
I also enjoyed Sylvia’s post very much! It had taken me some time to understand that the very same thing was going on in my life, too… besides the big ‘main’ male NARC, there were several of those female friends that later turned out to be NARCs.
What I love about NARP is that the more you are getting into it, the less you care about NARCs in general and lose the need to fearfully ‘check’ other people’s characters, and we mroe and more trust and listen to our intuition, keep strong healthy boundaries. When we become more important to us and the peace and harmony we want to maintain within us, than being on the lookout for possible NARCs out there, the feeling of security in us gets bigger and better.
Hi Hope,
This is so wonderful you have made this shift!
It’s powerful … kudos to you Hope 🙂
Mel xo
It’s my youngest sister. When she was 9 she inherited my grandfather’s estate in trust. He was dying of cancer and not really in his right mind. When she was growing up my parents would have to defer to her if they were short of money and convince the trustees that this was to benefit her. Basically she had real power. Narcissists aren’t always sad traumatised children they’re the Golden Children as well who expect life to pan out as perfectly as their childhood.
She came into the inheritance aged 18 and went to college — she was the student with the best rooms in town, a sports car, holidays abroad. Never worked through any holiday as I did from the age of 16 to see myself through college. Anyway after a few b/fs I noticed that she never ever got upset by the end of a relationship and it was always she who’d end it if someone ‘better’ came along.— they were disposable. Never cried or waited for a phone call and she wasn’t ‘being strong’, she didn’t care.
By the time she was 25 she’d spent the lot. With nothing tangible to show for it. So when she met her husband (son of very wealthy parents) she worked on my parents to re-mortgage our house for a deposit. Had two children but her husband was totally unreliable. Not the catch she’d thought as his parents were quite nasty people. She had a house fire and lost the lot. She hadn’t checked the building insurance, although the contents were insured. So back she came to Ma and Pa with various threats “You’ll never see the grandchildren again unless you buy this (massive) house… but we can all live together and everything will be fine”. So that’s what they did. I begged them not to. I said give them another deposit, buy your own house in the area, but please please don’t live with them. But to no avail.
My husband has left me, my Mother finally succumbed to her bullying and died and now my aged father is under her thumb. This sounds weird but she actually became a surrogate wife. She replaced my disabled mother while she was still alive. And my father let her.
Same story with finances. She’s remortgaged the house so many times, it’s in neg equity. Her business is bankrupt and she’s spent the balance of what was left of my parents’ former home. My father and her live in a 6-bedroom house so packed with ‘stuff’ (hers) that there’s not an inch of room. Walking across a room there is an obstacle course.
Now this is where it gets nasty. My late mother’s carer visited. Told me to be very careful because my sister and separated husband were colluding to minimise my settlement. She phoned my doctor the day after my mother had died to say I needed a psychiatric assessment. I had to comply and passed with flying colours — a 5-strong team visited and I asked them whether they always visited people recently bereaved in this way. I immediately got a copy of my doctors’ notes and it was all there… phone calls and the confirmation from the carer that whenever my name was mentioned she’d start saying I was crazy. A massive long-term smear campaign. I’d meet people, we’d get along, but if my sister was there and noticed, the next time there’d be this look in their eyes. Never underestimate what these people are capable of. But don’t dwell on it — it’s immersing yourself in their filth.
I also got hints of how she’d triangulate and feed stories to my husband of what I’d supposedly said. I never ever discussed him — I thought we were happy, I certainly was. Of course any man who would believe a jealous sister over his own wife isn’t worth being married to. It’s broken my heart. Whatever I say is disbelieved.
Now my father is on his last legs and she’s destroyed our relationship. Read up on the story of King Lear. I’m Cordelia. I’m not going to die though. As soon as the settlement’s paid I’m out of here and as far away from her as possible. My new life beckons and I will never see her again. My only wish is to make peace with my father and I’m not sure how to do so. If I visit she creates a scene, if I don’t he thinks I don’t care. They destroy lives.
Excellent article, as always – thank you! I love that you are always very firm about reiterating the importance of keeping the focus on self-healing and not on the N. This article came at a good time as I just did Module 4 (Release and Heal the Pain of the Injustice and Betrayal) today and upset feelings about the OW herself came up during the writing of the “details” section. I also noticed that two of the commenters today asked if Ns will get in relationship with other Ns and you refrained from answering (with good reason). I have had the same question myself and have wanted to ask but I believe that we can answer this question with our own wise intuition. It became apparent to me during the module today that I had also experienced female N behavior from the OW and that there was healing to do around that. I believe there are different dynamics that play out in each of the Ns relationships for the reasons you described in another post – they focus on different “vulnerability points” for each person. I used to spend way too much time wondering why I was treated differently than this other person (or others before me) before I became aware of your work and finally understood what I was dealing with and what was really going on (it was never about him or her, but about my own healing – they were merely pointing me back to myself). What I so value about this healing work of yours is the fact that with diligence, commitment and devotion to it and “keeping it real,” Ns of any stripe or color, in any capacity, are no longer a “match” for you. You no longer need to have any concern about whether you will be vulnerable to a future encounter or carry a list of bullet-point items to be sure you remember what to “watch for” or theorize why they (or others in relationship to them) do what they do. It no longer matters. And I know that’s what you’re truly trying to get through to people. And how freeing and empowering! No more wasting energy on such exhausting thinking/emotional patterns. I have already experienced this freedom (there’s more work to do, I’m not ready to “graduate” yet) and what a difference it makes! So much more energy and joy! Again, thank you, Melanie!
Hi Darcy,
you are SPOT on in every way …
It is such a relief to only have be concerned for our own development and growth into authenticity, rather that trying to scope and monitor every one else on the planet …
Of course not possible until we do the inner work to resolve our imbedded cellular trauma .. but when we do ….
BOY does it change everything!
You are so right Darcy … everything points “back to home”.
Keep up the great work, and please know you are so welcome 🙂
Mel xo
The recent audio podcast about female narcissists, the quality seems to be not so great. The volume goes from being hardly being able hear to really loud. Is the podcast a bad version of it?
Dear Melanie,
After reading thru this article, esp where you mention the traits of male and female narcissist, the point where you mention about “Harbor…; Play tit for tat…; Act out of rage…”, I have started to do that just to show how it feels. And I am not sure if I am cognitively doing the others. Yes I do feel guilty and hurtful when I repeat the punishment my wife does to me – like silent treatment for three days. Does that make me narcissist? In fact when I do the silent treatment back, I am the one who is more hurt emotionally since I cannot distinguish between her and my son. Everybody gets silent treatment, inclusive of my colleagues at work and friends. Whereas my wife is perfectly fine with everybody else, but during her silent treatment, it is only me she will not talk to following a difference of opinion on any matter. The issue with the difference of opinion is the issue is never resolved and I fear it will never ever be addressed.
My question is – am I becoming a narcissist, or will my mirroring behavior teach a lesson, will I be the loser at the end? How do I prevent myself from not mirroring the behavior?
Hi Vishu,
you won’t win – you are right smack bang on the field where a N wants you – granting attention and energy which is A-Grade narcissistic supply.
The results are clearly showing you that – your body is screaming emotionally “wrong town”.
The issue is we try to work out “logically” this … “is what I am doing working?” instead of listening to the only true Source there is …
“What is inside you saying?”
This is the difference between living life aligned with our soul – or letting our ego and the “need to win” be in charge.
To me the only difference with ANYONE becoming conscious or unconscious (narcissist or victim) is this …
“Am I going to come inside, stop focusing on the other and commit to my own soul development?” or “Will I stay stuck in my head (ego) and make it all about trying to change them in order for my life to be happy and healthy ?”
That really is the only difference between resolving this for yourself or not.
Mel xo
Dear Melanie
I used the Introduce Myself to tell my story so i won’t go into details again other suffice to say my grandmother, uncle, step father, ex-boyfriend and sister were or are all narcissists.
In recent years, it has been my sister who has caused the greatest harm and as i discovered has been plotting for months with a vicious campaign that ultimately would have seen me totally isolated and broken. I have no support from my mother, she is an enabler and is totally within my sister’s control. In relation to the discussion, i have had experience with both male and female narcissists all my life and in my experience have found overall the females to be no different from the males. There are differences but these tend to be gender related however and perhaps this is just my experience, if i am honest i would say i have found the females to be the more brutal, dangerous and manipulative in their actions. My sister possess every character trait of the narcissist, uses all the tools and is merciless in exacting them.
I had gone no contact (before i knew what it was) and in the search for answers discovered you, Melanie and NARP. I have no doubt that discovering this amazing program has saved my life and my sanity, so again a heartfelt thank you Melanie.
Every blog post and every email has directly linked to what i have and am experiencing, but now with NARP’s guidance i understand why. I am currently working through Module One, keeping a journal, have a ‘grateful for’ notebook by my bed, purchased a black tourmaline necklace and have started attending a yoga class. And blessedly so, i do have the most amazing support from my husband and two sons and i give thanks for that everyday.
Here is too a much brighter future and again, thank you Melanie for the love and light.
Blessed Be, one and all Xx
Hi Kirsty,
I am so pleased you are finding your way up and out and transforming from the inside …
Many blessing to you too Kirsty, and I am so pleased you are generating and living them.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie Xx
This article is spot on.
Dealing with a family member over the years led to being in a long relationship with a male narc.
I do see traits in myself but think they were to almost protect myself from the hurt in the only way I knew how.
My relationship was hell towards the end but the damage in the early days was done to my first child. As soon as we were attached by marriage it started but always away from my eyes. I will feel forever guilty for not being able to take my child out of this situation sooner or realising what was going on.
The family member is kept at arms length and the ex partner I have to co-parent another child.
I know the aim of narp is to focus on myself but I don’t feel that I will ever get over how nice they were when things were going thier way, spending my money, out socialising with other women and never with me etc but so cruel to my child.
It’s the why that I just can’t fathom and feel unable to move away from.
Hi Selina,
please know when we have the energy imprints of “betrayal” stuck in our being – not only is it toxic to our wellbeing and happiness, it is also an ongoing energetic template that generates unconsciously “more of the same” …
Letting go is always about freeing ourselves, not about letting people off the hook.
If we don’t free ourselves their abuse lives on within us, we become a part of the “virus” of trauma.
NARP Modules are the antidote, but you have to be committed and work them to get free from intense betrayal.
Personally, I am a testimony totally for releasing and getting free of things that I thought I could never resolve .
(And cognitively there is NO way I would have been able to release it, it was only QFH that did it for me.)
I hope this helps inspire you to commit to your Inner Being to free her to her True State – which is NOT carrying the poison of betrayal in her cellular being.
Mel xo
WOW! I wish I had read this 34 years ago! It certainly would have saved me 30 years of lost life and maybe a child. My N wife, who meets almost every criteria listed, should be your poster child. I FINALLY caught her committing adultery….and it was all my fault, she denied it even after seeing “THE VIDEO” of her and her partner, who is also the poster child for men, in court. Still she is entitled! Just what happens when 2 N meet and have an affair?? That must be something to behold. I am now LIVING life as it should be. One problem for her is he does not have a steady job and is dating on her. LOL. Well no more nice homes/nice sports cars/ supporting for her business losing money from this old boy.
Thanks, as always, for your insight into the pain and path out of pain that Narcissism creates.
The N in my life is my daughter, which makes breaking away so very difficult. My husband
and I have walked on eggshells for many years to avoid conflicts with her behaviors; however,
when it became painfully obvious that she was treating our grandson with these same N
behaviors (two other grandchildren handle her manipulation well and use it to their advantage)
we created all opportunities we could to love him through it and advise him carefully about
how to survive. When he turned 17, acting out in scary ways, he ran away. We took him in
and sent him to college. Our daughter was relieved until she realized we weren’t buying into what a horrible person he was, but that we thought she played a very serious role in his pain, she
launched a smear campaign against our grandson and us. She charmed some of her sisters
into taking her side and did all she could to destroy our precious family. She has taken her
two daughters from us (by bribing them to disown us in trade for money, goods, etc) and has
even gotten one of her sisters to restrict our time with the two youngest grandchildren, whom
we were very close to. Our grandson is 22 now and doing well; however, he refuses to speak
to his mother. We have handled all of the pain well and looked inside ourselves to grow and
self-partner; I can say that we hold no ill will toward her (pretty sure its some genetic thing because she had a loving, blessed life); we deeply miss our grandchildren but in retrospect, we
believe saving our grandson’s life and restoring his self-esteem was the most important, gratifying challenge we have ever accomplished. We stay strong for ourselves and our grandson, who
consideres us his only family. We have no reason to think she’ll change (her behaviors started
by three years old); we feel blessed and in pain all at once. Thanks for your clarifying posts and
hope that insight provides!
Melanie I can’t thank you enough for this article. I, too, am a gay woman and this article (while I know all narcs operate the same) really hit some key points about female narcs that I needed to read to once again drive home the point that I was not the crazy one, and that I was truly dealing with a narcissist for 13 years. I am in no contact and haven’t seen her in almost a year, but I had a small nervous breakdown a few weeks ago over this relationship, which blindsided me and made me realize I need more help than I think. After search narcissistic abuse and PTSD, I found you, and I couldn’t be more grateful. I am very excited for the Webinar next week! I am ready. I am ready to heal! Thank you so much!
Hi Jill,
my pleasure, and I am so pleased you are looking forward to healing.
We truly can breakthrough in Quantum Ways so powerfully when it’s time!
Bless!
Mel xo
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all the information you so freely share with us…
I am a recovering co-dependent with a Narc sibling (female) – I will call the Narc Sibling X (and I have had Narc romantic relationships too)
My question is…what words of wisdom do you have regarding to what degree/how/or if at all a person should or shouldn’t “warn” other people about the dangers/realities of the Narc person? How do I get past the deep deep feeling and need I have to “protect” my other siblings from X’s Narc behaviours?
The other siblings are aware of X’s pattern to some degree, and have been hurt by X in the past, but have really only been exposed to the tip of the iceberg of what X is capable of. They have never received the full brunt of Xs sickness to the degree that I have (mostly due to distance I believe) and the Narc behaviour of X has been spiralling these last few years.
After many years apart, X has planned a visit with a sibling. If X follows the usual pattern, X will not be able to hold back the jealousy, anger, frustration, utter disregard and unhappiness they feel towards this person (which X has openly expressed to me in one of their blaming rants) and will blame them for everything they dislike about their life from A – Z.
At this point I am on very limited contact with X. I have not told this to my sibling that will be receiving the visit. My deep gut feeling (to the point that its a physical pain in my stomache) is to “warn” my sibling of X’s behaviour, or at least give them a ‘heads up’ in the sense of saying something like “no matter what happens, always remember that you are not to blame for the unhappiness of X”. At this point I have decided against it. But I want to figure out how to clear whats been triggered… a deep ache of worry and concern and wanting to protect my sibling or warn them of what X is capable of.
Perhaps its like this?… If a raging bull was going to barge into your living room I strongly feel I should warn you, but maybe it was only a raging bull at me because I was wearing red and with you it will act like a completely different creature and stop in its tracks because you are wearing white? If the sibling that I am worrying about protecting has made it this far in life without feeling the full brunt of Xs Narcness, then perhaps I am worrying about nothing and just need to let nature take its course…maybe my sibling already has the proper ‘defences’ in order? And if not, then perhaps they need to see for themselves the ‘unmasking’ in order to know how they want to proceed with X and its better if im not involved at all..
Have you already written something about the desire/need to protect others from the Narc and how to get past that?
Thanks so much for your time and energy…you are helping so many people.
Mine are my older Sadistic Narcissistic step daughter, her Narcissistic biological mother and my step daughter’s Narcissistic female best friend – three women. I believe that they have Sadistic Narcissistic Personality Disorder – SNPD. I’m very pleased that I don’t have Stockholm Syndrome or anything like that. I definitely don’t love any of these women, I hate all of these women with a passion, they are nothing to me and they mean nothing to me too just like none of them love me, they all hate me with a passion and I’m nothing to them and I mean nothing to them. The abuse, victimization, etc…, that they put me through for years and years since the year 2006 to now – 2016 – 10 years has given me Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – CPTSD. I met all of them including another victim of my step daughter – her boyfriend who she was living with at the time – he’s her ex – boyfriend now – I met all three women plus her boyfriend in Christmas 2005, I’ve known my step daughter’s father – my husband since the early 1990’s, I moved into my husband’s flat in either November or December 2005, we got engaged in Christmas 2005 and we got married in late June 2006. These three women created an evil, unscrupulous and infallible plan which they made personalised and tailor made for me. In their package was verbal, emotional, mental and ambient abuse, torture, torment, trauma, terror, victimization and psychological warfare, derogatory swear word name calling, shouting, insults, put – downs, criticisms, condemnations, fault – finding, smear and hate campaigns, false accusations, big black lies, deceit, rumours, gossip, slander, full isolation – indoctrinating the minds of the police against me and turning them against me, insidiously infiltrating my own inner circle – my family and indoctrinating their minds against me and turning them against me, killing 2 of my blood relatives through casting death spells on them in the occult, through casting family relationships break – up spells so that all of my family relationships with all of my blood relatives would be destroyed and put to an end and for all of them to walk out and to stay out of my life indefinitely and to go No Contact with me forever, to cast marriage and relationship break – up and divorce spells on mine and my husband – her dad’s marriage and relationship, by contacting the RSPCA to have our 2 cats taken away from me and my husband – her dad, stealing my things that belonged to me which were of personal high sentimental value to me, getting a private investigator/private detective onto me, doing Narcissistic Triangulation, Narcissistic Projection, Gaslighting, The Gaslighting Effect, making verbal threats of physical violence on me and then she physically assaulting me, trying to intimidate and threaten me, doing plagiarism on me – on my work and spiritually shredding me too. She has also portrayed herself, both mine and her inner circles as victims and she has portrayed me and her long list of victims as the evil perpetrators and she has also portrayed me as playing the victim both offline in public to the police, in private to both mine and her inner circles, to her flying monkies and also online too. I’m not playing the victim – I am the real, true victim – I’m not an evil perpetrator or anything like that at all, she’s playing the victim and these three women are all evil perpetrators and everything that I’ve said is not unfounded. I think she has an extraordinary ability to influence and manipulate people and to convince gullible and probably non – gullible people to believe in her lies, deceit and her false accusations that she’s made about me and other false things about me to be the truth and also she has a pure evil, sinister but powerfully magnetic charisma and charm that attracts people to her. She has fully isolated me because she feels self – entitled to taking everything that belongs to me which are my things away from me and to taking all of the members of my inner circle – my family and everyone else who is in my life out of my life and away from me and making all of it and having all of it as her own and for her to own everything that I own so that everything belongs to her and that nothing belongs to me because she wants to leave me with nothing and no – one in my life . She just snatched and grabbed everything, every member of my inner circle – my family and everyone else away from me and out of my life through brute force, etc…,. So I’m fully isolated with no – one and nowhere to turn to for help, support, guidance, advice and to be a comforting shoulder for me to sob my heart out on, for me to plead my case to, for me and my story to be taken seriously, to be listened to, to be believed and to be understood, I’m suffering in silence and she’s got me exactly where she wants me – trapped in a small cage with no escape routes, nothing.
I’m worthy and deserving of having everything, all of my members of my inner circle – my family – my blood relatives and everyone else to be in my life and to stay in my life indefinitely and to be in touch and stay in contact with all of them and to see them on a regular basis, to go on family holidays, meet up on special occasions, anniversaries and get – togethers with my own inner circle for forever. My step daughter thinks that I’m unworthy and undeserving of all of that. She views me as competition and she’s in competition with me, she is very competitive in conversation, she has copycatted me in conversation, she has done point – scoring and oneupmanship with me in conversation, she loves to hear and to listen to the sound of her own voice, she monopolises conversations she tries to make the subject of conversation to be about her and to bring the focus of conversation back onto herself, she enjoys dreaming up and telling everyone far – fetched, outlandish stories about herself and her life – which are possible but unlikely in which she is pretentious, she shows off and is ostentatious, her favourite subject for her to talk about is herself, all about herself because she thinks that she herself is an interesting, fascinating, mysterious and hot topic. She is her own No.1 world’s biggest fan of herself. She’s self – obsessed, self – important, self – significant, self – centred, selfish, conceited, vain, arrogant, narcissistic, egocentric, egotistical, egomaniac, egoistic, too much pride, loves herself too much, she’s in love with herself, she’s full of herself, self – admiring, self – regarding, attention – seeking when there’s little or no attention being put on her, drama – queen, melodramatic, overdramatic, thinks too highly of herself, has excessively high opinions of herself, self – serving, smug, it’s all self, self, self, me, me, me with her.
She expects everyone to do her bidding, she thinks the world owes her a living and that the world revolves around her and that the world should revolve around her and that she should be the center of everyone’s attention, life and world. She thinks that her actions, deeds, words, behaviour and attitude are justified and that she is entitled to always getting to what she wants and to always getting her own way, for her to do and say whatever she wants and for her to behave how she wants to behave – even if it means that I, her ex – boyfriend and her other victims get hurt in the middle of it and she thinks that she will get away with all of it and that there will be no legal convictions, punishments or consequences for her to face. She wants to be world famous as an actress, solo artist singer, songwriter, music producer and model. Whenever she hears about a female celebrity or a world famous woman in the media or watches them on the t.v and it doesn’t matter who this woman is – she always says that everyone always says that she looks like this person or that person and she has said of herself as having lots and lots of charisma, that she’s a very, very convincing person and that everyone always says that her eyes look beautiful. She is always showing off, being ostentatious and pretentious about everything about herself, she does the behaviour and attitude of a prima donna. She tries to make everything out to be about her all the time and in every conversation that she monopolises she tries to make herself be the subject of every conversation that she has with everyone. She gives herself far too much credit and she wants to have lots of positive recognition. She is deluded and delusional because her excessively high expectations of her life are so unrealistic that they are unlikely to ever happen in reality. She needs a reality check, to be told some home – truths that she is deluded and delusional, that her beliefs, expectations and opinions are all wrong, politically incorrect and she needs to and must understand that these things do not happen in life and because life’s not like that. These three women are opportunists who have means, motives and opportunity and who have done Narcissistic covert abuse on me.
These three women made sure that the Narcissistic abuse that they did on me was covert, hidden and they took full advantage of situations and they engineered situations in order to do so so that no – one else including my husband would witness any of it and to get me on my own all by myself away from anyone else and away from my husband. Me and my husband – her father had lots of endless arguments which led to intense and heated rows over her where I always told him the truth that these three women had all abused me and that they were all extremely jealous and envious of me but I failed so many times to convince him to believe the truth, it was a tremendously difficult, very long uphill struggle for me to convince him to believe that what I told him was the truth so it led me to moving out and living in other places for over two years away from him. I lived in two other cities. While I was living away from him his daughter – my step daughter had tried to influence and manipulate him into starting divorce proceedings and filing for divorce, but I never received or signed any divorce papers. Then me and my husband decided to give our marriage and relationship another go to see if we could work things out and to greatly improve the areas of our marriage and relationship. While I was living away and he had started the divorce proceedings his daughter got in contact with her father’s divorce solicitor and she told the solicitor a big, black lie about me which was that I was extremely jealous of her and she got the divorce solicitor to write and type that up in the divorce papers – I didn’t know about any of this at the time because I didn’t receive any divorce papers, I had no type or form of communication with my husband or with his divorce solicitor or with my husband’s daughter. While I was living away from him when he had started divorce proceedings I knew that he had started divorce proceedings because he told me that he was going to start divorce proceedings and he told me that whilst I was living away from him so while I was living away from him I knew he was starting divorce proceedings at that time. My step daughter telling the solicitor a big, black lie about me which was I was extremely jealous of her and her getting the solicitor to type that up in the divorce papers well, I didn’t know about that at that time. My husband told his solicitor that he wanted to cancel the divorce proceedings so the divorce and divorce proceedings were all cancelled first before the divorce and divorce proceedings went through and then I came back to live with my husband – I came back to live with him on 1st June 2015 last year and I have been living with him ever since and I’m still living with him even now to this day. Shortly after I moved back into my husband’s flat and was living with him, me and my husband didn’t get divorced in the end, and me and him are still legally married and are still lawful wedded husband and wife even now, I discovered the divorce papers in our flat and I read it and it said that I was extremely jealous of my husband’s daughter – my step daughter – so I only found that out shortly after I came back to live with him. I tore the divorce papers up and I threw them out in the bin. She had also indoctrinated the mind of my husband’s divorce solicitor against me and she turned the solicitor against me and she told big, black lies about me to her father’s divorce solicitor. I’m living with my husband in our marital home – his flat in a small town and we are a happily married couple again. Between the times of before we got engaged to after we got married, his daughter’s biological mother – his ex – girlfriend – he never married his daughter’s biological mother – she had made a pass at him – I like to think that he rejected her sexual advances and her flirting and I like to think that he possibly done that because he’s madly, deeply and truly in love with me and because he’s extremely and absolutely faithful, trustworthy and loyal to me. I only found out about this years and years later, they all don’t know that I know about this. Both his daughter and his ex has tried to come in between me and him, they want to have him all to themselves and to try to take him away from me, they think that I’m unworthy and undeserving of me even knowing him personally or having him in my life let alone me and him getting married to each other and becoming husband and wife and me and him living together with each other in his flat so they tried to take him away from me and out of my life. Like mother, like daughter – they are like black holes in the universe – sucking everything and everyone up in their paths. My husband now believes me that everything that I told him about his daughter, his daughter’s biological mother and his daughter’s female best friend is the truth, he’s been convinced of that everything is the truth – that these three women did abuse me and that these three women are extremely jealous and extremely envious of me, that I am the real, true victim, that they did victimize and abuse me, all of their words, actions, deeds, behaviour and attitude, etc…, that they did and said to me is the truth and that I’m not jealous or envious of any of them at all is also the truth, he has been convinced to believe all of that, to believe everything that I told him about these three women is the truth. I do tell the truth, I’m truthful and honest, I’m not a liar or a deceiver, I’m not dishonest, I don’t tell lies, I’m not deceitful or deceptive, I don’t do lies, deceit, deception or dishonesty and I don’t exaggerate, I don’t do exaggeration. In his eyes I do no wrong.
Thank you for all the great information. I’m a gay female and this is the first article I’ve found that I could fully relate. As my, now ex-wife and mother of our 2 year old, not only discarded me in a horrible way…she also made sure I knew she had plenty of suitors while the divorce proceeded and after. She literally said and did everything she could to punish me as she knows my insecurities. She is now dating a man, over 10 years older than her who can provide that lifestyle she’s wanted. Which is devastating after spending 6 years with her as a gay woman. And he was “rescuing” her and helping her cope with our divorce although she told me they were only friends. When I called her on it, while still married, she said he had a girlfriend, actually multiple girlfriends. Trying to understand my daughters new situation, 2 mom’s and now him. I’m a work in progress but it’s forums like this that is truly helping me understand I need to love myself. Unfortunately, none of my loved ones understand how difficult it is to let her go. Especially since all they saw was a manipulative, selfish individual that I never saw. So this is refreshing to finally see I’m not crazy after all and there’s hope!
Society still demonizes female narcissism to the point female narcissists get raped and abused, especially by their spouses or partners.
Hi Melanie,
It amazes me how predictable the behavior of people with NPD is. Reading your articles and many others I am just astounded how they describe exactly what I recently experienced with a women I met 5 months ago. She played out the whole thing as you described to a “T”. It’s like they’ve all been given the same NPD evil playbook. I’m sure she seen me as the perfect target and in many ways, I am. But she under estimate my intelligence, self confidence and experience. I’ve been down this road before and I know the only way to win “this game” is not to play ! She love bombed me and I humored her ( Why not, it felt good ). She tried gaslighting, guilt, playing victim, devaluation, projecting ( her favorite ), lies, jealousy, withholding sex, teasing me by flashing her stuff and telling me fantastic stories of her glorious life and her amazing success with this sparkly eyed euphoric look on her face. To her major frustration my typical reaction was to look at her like she’s nuts, shake my head, laugh and walk away. That sent her into a melt down several times. At which point I would leave her right where she stood. I left her at restaurants, bars and even left her on vacation 1500 miles from home. Each time she would find her way home wile text bombing me hundreds of texts asking to be forgiven. Of course each time I did the game would start all over again. Finally, I’m pretty sure she identified another target. Then accused me of everything but the holocaust ( including being narcissistic ) with a three day text bombing smear campaign. Which I completely ignored. That was 4 weeks ago. Since then, ( thinking she’s blocked on my cell because I don’t respond) she has tried emailing me and texting from two other numbers. She doesn’t have the courage to knock on my door or even call me direct. She knows then she would have to listen to the truth. Her biggest enemy ! Pretty sure she’s gone for good this time !
These are pathetic, incurably damaged people who live in world of torment inside their heads. As a normal person your first instinct might be to sympathize with them. But wash that thought right out of your head because that’s exactly what leaves you open to being pulled into the same hell. Imagine how jacked your head would have be to need to down Ambien with whiskey just to sleep ! She did that every night.
To those who feel vindictive towards or wonder what will happen to the your ill ex. I pasted a bus stop wile driving trough downtown last week. At the bus stop was a old homeless bag lady jumping up and down and running back forth screaming insults and waving her arms at everybody and nobody ! I don’t wonder anymore.
One other thing I’d like to say to the victims. Don’t be ashamed for falling for these people. For just the fact they picked you as a target means you’re a good person and they were a victim way before you and always will be. Walk away with you head high with the knowledge that you are and always will be a good person. Valuable and capable of recovery and loving again. You just have to be careful who you give that to. Remember this, as long as you follow your instincts you have nothing to fear.
Thanks, I’m going to find me a normal girl now !
A friend put me on to this. Thank you. This article resonated so clearly with me. I’ve spent twelve months questioning my own sanity and recollection, self-doubting and wondering what I could have done differently. I’ve not been able to get the toxins out of my head, and it’s been awful. My ex is a yoga teacher – on the surface, she is calm, collected, spiritual, and spruiks “inner peace” etc etc. Behind closed doors, she was a violent narcissist, particularly when she drank. She put herself first on every occasion, even when it involved her kids, and never accepted responsibility for anything. It was always someone else’s fault. She never said the word “sorry” in 7 years, and even struggled saying “thank you”. Without going through every single symptom mentioned in this article, it’s fair to say that she ticks all boxes. Seriously, ALL the boxes.
12 months down the track, I’m find myself still scratching my head to justify my reasoning to stay with her as long as I did. I consider myself to be a reasonably strong, perceptive person with a modicum of emotional intelligence – so why did I stick around when everything inside me was screaming that this was dangerous? Because I loved her? Because I thought she might change? Her day to day behaviour was so controlling, needy, and entirely self-centered. I videoed many incidents and outbursts, particularlay when she was under the influence of alcohol, for the purpose of showing her the next day (because she would never remember), however she would refuse to watch them, and then became abusive about the fact that I had illegally taped her. Accused me of being insecure and not able to “allow her to show her vulnerable side” – apparently punching me in the nose, or trying to kick a door down with kids inside is being vulnerable!! Somehow, the whole incident would become my fault, or the kids fault, or the milkman’s fault… Over and over again, I would question my own beliefs, my own account of things, and start believing what she was saying. Why did I do this? Surely I’m smarter than that?
When we eventually went to councelling, the therapist suggested that she read a book about narcissism. Sadly, she finished the book and decided that many of her friends are indeed narcissists!! She was horrified at the thought of being surrounded by narcissists! I couldn’t believe it. But therein lies the problem, right? How do you tell a narcissist that they’re a narcissist? In one session, on my own, the therapist asked me why I stayed with her, and I answered “because I still love her”. The therapist looked at me and, without hesitation, said “Sometimes, love is not enough”. Those words stayed with me.
Anyway, after one particularly violent night where I ended up barricaded in my son’s bedroom (he wasn’t there) with two mattresses against the door, I left. I packed a bag each for my son and I, and moved out the following day. Sadly, now, I hear that she is telling people that I was the violent one, and is playing the victim card on account of the fact that I was the one that “walked out” of the relationship. A few people have judged me without ever bothering to ask me what happened, or at least had the decency to hear both sides of the story. I know I shouldn’t care less about what some people think, and if they do assume that I am capable of such things, then they were never a true friend. But it hurts. I guess, when the stories come from the mouth of a “peaceful” yoga teacher, it’s hard to question. And, let’s face it – it’s usually the man right? I have chosen not to engage in the whole PR exercise. I have moved out of the area and remained quiet. No good ever comes from “he said, she said”. The kids (she has two from previous marriage) know the truth, and I’ve since caught up with her ex husband before me – and he recounts the same stories. Ironically, I heard her tell me the same things about him for years – and I believed them. I had her back. Wanted to protect her… More fool me huh?!
So, thank you for your article. It made so much sense to me, and has helped me to compartmentalise some of the things I’ve been struggling to understand about myself. I need to learn from this experience so that I do not make the same mistakes in my next relationship. I also want to be in a position to show my 12 year old son what a happy, peaceful, respectful, and healthy relationship looks like. So far, he as not seen that from me, and that breaks my heart. Onwards and upwards. Thank you!
This article is amazing. I’ve been broken up for 5 years now with my ex gf who is a narc(likely from her narc mother). Two and a half years trapped in the manic highs and lows was enough to damage me where I’m still not recovered and unable to date even though I’m considered above average looking and have a good job.I was turned on to this disorder a few months after the breakup by a friend. I did extensive research and figured that understanding this disorder and relating it to my relationship would bring peace of mind and healing. It hasn’t fully yet and I’m not sure if it ever will. Doesn’t help when some of my own family members still provide supply via social media and that her cousins are some of my best friends. An article like this is still great to go over to help understand when some things come flooding back.
Hi
I am a 37 years old man with a 4.5 years old super sweet girl. I was married for 5 years. She fits all the description for a narcissist but also she accused of everything to be like that. The last 2 years of marriage I was barley surviving I was depressed I lost interest in everything and I became addicted to drugs but at the same time I was still taking care of all my financial obligations!
I don’t know who was the abuser.
I also don’t want to feel like a looser who can’t get himself out of this anymore. I want to love life . I love people and I always love to help and to do good.
Looks like you hit the nail on the head with this one!
https://newlemurians.wordpress.com/2017/05/30/abusers
I was eight years old was molested by my paternal aunt’s younger son.
I feel so emotionally abused.
That I actually fear men.
I forcast myself that there is no man good enough for me.
I am so scared.
That I dont have a relationship ever in my life.
When someone admires me,
I admire them in return.
I promised myself that I am done with Masculine gender.
When I see my parents, my elder sister & my brother in law.
In such success relationship.
I am in jeopardy.
I could never have such bliss.
As I have emotional scarred.
I may have able to save my physical innocence.
But my emotional sphere was razed in ashes.
Cry in shadows for my lost rosy glasses that was so easily flung.
I wish that day have never happened ever.
Wishing someone would heal me.
I wish that would feel the bliss of loveable, healthy and blissful. experience of being loved and love in return.
Don’t give up trying to heal ,you owe it to yourself,I understand,you must push through the hurt to heal,take care
I just found this article and want to thank you for sharing. I got out of my abusive relationship before I learned what a narcissist was. I knew after 17 years that something was terribly wrong, getting worse and whatever it was couldn’t be fixed so I got home from work one afternoon last June grabbed my clothes and left…. for good. Got a lawyer and we are divorcing. Now I am going through her bashing… especially on social media. I abandoned her and all her “oh whoa is me” crap. The thing that bothers me the most is that I know I lost (and gradually still loosing) some friends. That’s hard.
Thank God in heaven that she cannot conceive. I would be totally destroyed if a child, our child, was mentally damaged because of her.
I am in a new relationship now, it’s more of a best friendship. I am head shy all the time thinking I am going to get bashed at any second right out of the blue. I can’t seem to shake that. I am not accustomed to being treated as a partner; I am damaged.
I signed up for your upcoming webinar in a few days and I hope I can learn to heal myself. In addition, I am going to see a therapist to deal with depression issues caused by this.
I’ll take any advice I can get.
Thank you for your work and empathy.
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now, and I’ve always just replaced the pronouns as appropriate. Because, (as you mention in the article) the traits are universal.
Sure, there are slight differences in the manifestation, and because of societal differences if the police are called out for a domestic disturbance surely it’s the fault of “that evil man” (leveraging the protective instincts of the police).
My question is: When you meet someone who matches “Being Everything He Wants and Needs”, how the heck do you identify it before “The cracks start appearing”?
This is my goal for 2018… to find balance when meeting new people. I have a tendency to go from one extreme (too trusting) to the other (not trusting at all). Finding myself dating again after 20 years, more and more I find myself saying “I think I’d rather be alone, I enjoy being alone.” and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad.
Hi David,
please do know when the police are called if the narcissist is the male – it still gets turned back on the woman. It happened to me on several occasions as it has many women in this Community. It is not a gender thing – it’s a narcissistic thing.
David it is so about ourselves showing up and retaining us at the beginning of a relationship and as it progresses. And that takes healing our inner wounds so that we can be different and not go through the same repetitive patterns. It is about inner development and healing.
Wishing you healing and love.
Mel xo
The N’s in my vicinity are my husband’s ex-wife and her youngest daughter. I have a whole blog where I vent (anonymously!) about their lies, manipulations, and horrible behavior. Hubby is No Contact with the ex, and the daughter basically threw us out of her life when hubby and I stopped walking on eggshells around her. Hubby and I have a good life together, though I know he struggles periodically with PTSD symptoms as a result of formerly being married to a female N for 18 years. And his heart aches for the mess his daughter has made of her life, but he knows he can’t “fix” her. He also feels sometimes that it is his fault his daughter is the way she is because, as he says, “I did not stand up to her mother because I was literally afraid of her and what she might do if I crossed her.” I remind him that, no, this is NOT his fault. His two boys are well-adjusted and successful, and I remind him of this and credit his example to them while they were growing up for that. But a daughter who was raised by a narcissistic mother? The apple just isn’t going to fall far from the tree in that case. Always grateful to learn effective strategies for handling these two N’s on the rare occasions we do have to interact with them.
Not all these kind of woman are charismatic and good looking. My husband was hooked by one in a way only a cult leader could do: within one week after meeting her in a village were one of his colleagues lives (also a manipulator) he left our family, start smoking cigarettes and became the the opposite of the loving caring man and father he always was. I witnessed several psychosis and dissociations, he couldn’t think clearly anymore and accused me of the most horrible things. It was a nightmare! From the love of his life I became his worse enemy. I therefore think she is more a psychopath than a N. This woman looks like a drug addict: her appearance, her clothes, everything. If you have ever seen pictures of female serial killers, you know what I mean.
Hello Melanie,
Believe it or not, you have just described virtually every Asian female alive or who has ever lived; and unfortunately everyone who will be born in the future. Seriously.
The honest ones will admit it.
The dishonest ones do exactly what you described and deny they are doing it.
It is sad but they have had to morph into that millennia ago just to survive.
Being an Asian female is like being an endangered species. They are not valued and are just used. When their use is up they are tossed away.
Perhaps Asian, old world Asian, culture is narcissistic and abuses and creates a fresh generation of narcissistic females each and ever generation.
I have seen the pattern in families going four generations back.
It is very sad.
Sorry if this is too much for people to take or they are ready to whip out the name calling and labeling, yet it is true.
Well, thank you and have a narcissistic-free day everyone!!!
Cheers
Oh but I should add that, I love them to pieces in spite of all that.
Thank you for this article. My sister in law is a narcissist and driving our family apart. She lies to everyone, keeps her children from us, and has my brother wrapped around her. We don’t understand how he isn’t seeing whats happening. Ive called her out on her lies, so now I’m not allowed to see him or their kids, which she has 5 kids all from different dads. She also doesn’t let those fathers or family be part of their lives. Its been 7 years of this and I can’t seem to just let it go. I miss my brother who I was so close too, so its on my mind all the time. My brother is 13 years younger than his wife and she also had him marry her within a year they met. I pray and hope that my brother wakes up. This family used to be so close and now its torn apart. Please tell me there’s hope he will leave!!!
Melanie, can narcissism be temporary, induced by high levels of stress? I was seeing a girl who I adored (classic) and we had all of the typical problems that you see between an empathetic person (with some codependent tendencies) and a narcissist. What has my mind in a twist though, is that it may have been the result of a lot of the challenges she was facing (end of a marriage – she triangulated me with the ex, changes in her job, school life, and just a lot of personal growth in general – most of which came from being with me.) Is it possible that at the end of those changes that the narcissistic tendencies would have gone away and she would have gone back to “normal”?
Hi Fin,
This is such a great question.
This is my take on this … it’s actually never about ‘the other person’, it is always about taking our power back to be aligned with our truth – which is self-love and self-care.
If someone is abusive, regardless of why, then by lovingly creating boundaries which state ‘I am no longer your punching bag and will not participate anymore’ they have a choice.
If they are truly meant to be in relationship with you – they will rise and meet you.
If they never were, but were instead a catalyst to giving you back to loving you, they won’t.
Either way is perfect.
This is about your healing and development Fin.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi…3.5 years ago I met my wife online via Instgram. I was immediately attacted, in fact had been for years as she lived in my area. At the same time due to the collapsing of the umpteenth relationship I decide to get myself checked out psychologically. It turned out after assessment that I had Borderline. I have followed intense therapy for the last 2,5 years and can safely say I have never been better. At least until 2 months ago when my wife decided to call it a day. We had just had a son a month before. I have been devastated for the last two months, blaming myself, deep intense sadness which I am now fortunately beginning to heal from with generous help from the few friends I have left and my therapist.
So now we are two months on, divorce proceedings have been started, she threw me out, changed the locks, blocked and banned me any access, refused access to my son, turned my friends against me, influence people through social media, some of which are colleagues and I will consequently be losing my job in a couple of months and didn’t turn a blind eye as to my wearbaouts or wellbeing. Despite all this, with thanks to support and the therapy I have had, I have been able to dampen my BPD tendencies and try and move forward positively with my life, staying out of contact and healing.
What is happening now is new level of what I can only define as hate. She is posting stuff on social media (fb and instagram) stating I am a narcissist, sociopath, predator, satan, devil, etc., articles about sociopathy and narcissism and of course the “all is well” posts with my son, who I have now not seem for 9 weeks of his 13 week life. I am keeping myself big and blocking most. All I am wondering now is:
– does this behaviour consistute narcissistic tendencies?
– can I consider now that she has moved on not only mentally, but physically to another?
– how long will this damaging smear campagne continue and will it ever stop?
I spent 13 years with my Narc wife. After spending 2 months learning about this disease, I packed up the house, filed for divorce and put the house on the market. The entire 13 years I constantly wondered what was wrong with the person I thought was “perfect”. The golden period was something I will never forget. I now understand that it was a complete mirror of myself. I am a successful professional and the damage caused made me think I was losing my mind. How every fight was my fault. How every silent treatment was caused my behavior. How the quieted phone was because of my insecurity. How the”new” friends were nothing to be jealous about. How her step son was the cause of our problems. Each time believing what was said. I do not ever wish this on anyone. Your sense of self will be eroded to nothing. How you will question every decision you will make. Suicide crept in to my head because I truly believed it was all my fault.
Understand that it is all a game. Each word they speak, each manipulation is another way of making you crumble under the pressure of their constant mind games and brain washing.
We all have the power to break away. I did it… you can to. Do not think you cannot be without them. Understand that you are just another pawn in their life. They took what they needed and moved on to the next supply.
One thing to remember when it is all done, you will heal. Do not let your vision of what transpired affect future relationships. You will be stronger in the longer run. they will still be the same mess they were when they took over your life.
Stay strong. If I could pull away from the abuse that I endured, you can as well.
I met my now second wife in the late 70’s & early 80’s as friends & work colleague, She married a friend of ours who her parents disliked and refused to attend their wedding with persuading others not too either, A fellow work colleague gave her away on such an important event in a woman’s life, had 2 children with him in a short time of being together until he left her for another & another so leaving her abandoned with 2 young Ones under 2yrs, Divorced then alone, as friends kept in touch as we both had a child & children, She became a very good friend of my first wife to which then became difficult as She & I had 1 to 2 sexual encounters over a short period of a couple of years, She met another who’s mother lived across her, became pregnant with him but had to abort the child but had no monies so her kind Nan supported her decision to do so, he took it upon himself to strive to defraud her via catalogues & Car finances prompting police activity and collection companies, shortly after she met another with less to his name but a suitcase of clothes welcomed him to her life and children unconditionally, married him as she loved him, again Parents not present due to what purpose I’m not sure, while married to this individual from the age of 4-11 he had unknown to the mother been sexually abusing One of her daughters while she was working night shifts to make ends meet and to provide additional financial support, prior to this they had separated for a few years without divorcing but he still gained a financial reward with possessions, the two of them got back together until 2000 when the situation came to light to what he’d be doing to the minor, Her parents were now present, how I’m not sure, the 2nd husband ran off and hid at his mothers house, the authorities were never called to this incident, Why? God knows, the child was questioned by the Grandparents & mother but kept her secret until she was in her 20’s, the Grandparents were informed by the mother that he the abuser confessed to the child’s mother but she still had him return to the family home with the abused child, Why? 4 yrs later the Mother chose to start a secret affair with her boss at work, during their working day to visits to his home, the husband became suspicious of her and insecurities & jealousy set in but she denied the situation but it was true, She told me, She asked him to leave in January 2004 to which he did thinking she would beg for his return, but not this time as she had me the “Old” trusted friend and previous lover, ME
We courted for a year or so until I decide to end the relationship as it just didn’t feel right as we were very good friends, this change of heart lasted a day or so as I sensed something not quite right, I Truly Loved her and asked to resume our relationship, weeks later my suspicions were confirmed as she was pregnant with our now son, at 42 this was a shock to me but I was determined to do the correct thing, Marry my True Love to which I did in 17th June 2006 the second best day in my life firstly the birth of my “Boy” family complete you’d thought but “No” as the devastation of the poor abused came to light to which has & had a devastating effect on our New Marriage to which we longed for since the day dot started to crumble as my wife had struggled with regret & remorse due to not believing her daughter be it the child withheld such pain & suffering start to change towards me, physically, mentally, Emotionally & Financially over the next 7yrs with other traumas being dealt to us, Her being made redundant from a job she held for over 25yrs, moving house and living in a caravan in the middle of a field until our house was built in 2015, this was supposedly our New fresh start, December passed with having our first Christmas at our New home, January arrived and by the end of it I landed in hospital with cellulitis & sepsis and stayed there until early March, in that time unknown to me my True love was entertaining another man at her work while using my car and money to feed and do other things with him, this didn’t come apparent until I arrived to my New home and being rejected by her not supporting me with my recovery as nurses had to attend to me, I caught her FaceBooking this man at 21:10 of a Sunday evening with them discussing what “Doughnuts” she should buy him when they would meet up the next day, you can imagine my response right? This unfortunate behaviour never diminished as I caught her while at a wedding stroking another mans body to whom her daughter had met at the event & slept with, the wife’s face had jealousy written all over it, the final part of this unfortunate circumstances was she changed jobs to become a Development manager within a company that provides independent Living for people from 55 & up wards, she befriended a man who used to have a given relationship for his past employee, Money, Gifts, Flowers, Lunches etc to which seemed to make my wife jealous so persuaded the man to stop giving to the old employee and start to give to her to which he did, under the understanding that she wouldn’t tell me her husband or share to what he’d give her unconditionally as I was Money, Gifts, Flowers, my unconditional love as her husband & her my wife, She chose to uphold his wishes, he’d give her spending money for holidays, Clothes to wear, even to both of them going out for dinner regardless of my emotions & feelings, I became a second and not even a Third thought as she could not see the damage she caused to us by choosing that path, she’d start unnecessary arguments and make judgments of me so making me angry & verbally hurtful as I couldn’t understand to why I’d not only support her for 40+ years but her children to, my question to all this who is the Narcissist me or her, I’ve had more therapy than most, CBT, Anger Management, Hypnosis, I’m on Antidepressants and have been for a while now, I suffer from PTSD due to a severe Motorcycle injury in 2013 and I’ve been diagnosed as clinical depressive due to so much trauma to which I’ve strived to control & eradicate as time lapses, No support from her, lacks Empathy just want as much money from me, uses my “Boy” too her best capability
What struck an interesting chord with me was the well dressed and possibly brand name clothing.
I think
“Clean and neat people hide dirty and untidy habits “
Oh yeah they ran up a lot of debt on expensive clothing, everything had to be designer, had other people believe their sob story do they’d buy them elaborate gifts and even after they got huge settlements from their high drama lawsuits or insurance payouts, they never once paid off any credit debts nor the huge amounts of money they borrowed from friends and relatives and went on another shopping and travel spree! Oh well they would feign altruistic care for the poor lol like give money to charity and their guru/ashram for a tax write off and never missed an opportunity to humble-brag about all their donations/goodwill. I’m taking Melanie’s advice and playing offense with those sacks of shit.
The fact that the average man is ‘very visual’ has for time immemorial created a panacea of relational difficulties. I think part of it is hormonal, part of it is socio-cultural and then there is the uncouth. If you will, biological and learned. I have often wondered what it must be like for women who are not only admired but also objectified for their looks. It can set up the possibility of superficially relating where inner growth isn’t being fostered or able to evolve. It can indeed be the source of so much manipulation. Most of us have sowed wild oats in our youth. There comes a time for all of us when beauty begins to fade and hopefully along the way we are developing our hearts and minds because the beginning of wisdom is to look at the long view. Mel as always thank you for your insight.
Melanie- hi thank you for all that you have shared with anyone that is in this situation of living with narcissism. I can identify with so much of the facts I have learned about narcissism. Here is my dilemma, how to determine if I am the narcissist, my partner is, both of us, or maybe neither? I have felt like my spouse is but as I learn more and more I am beginning to think it may be myself.