Narcissists are unpredictable.
They are chronically unhappy and like to keep you in a confused and unstable state.
A far cry from the charming and delightful person they pretended to be when you first met them or that they present to others.
Walking on egg shells is typically what we do when we are still trying to make a relationship work with the narcissist. But, ultimately, this will not get you the safe, loving and healthy relationship you are seeking – instead it will exhaust you.
So how do you stop dancing around their wounds? How do you stop walking on egg shells around a toxic person?
In my latest Thriver TV episode I will reveal what is really going on in the narcissist’s inner world that makes them punish, hurt, reject or do something really cruel to you. Plus I will explain how to stop twisting yourself into a thousand different shapes to try to appease this person because truly, they can never be appeased.
Video Transcript
Today, we’re going to talk about walking on egg shells around narcissists, what it looks like, how it feels, how it doesn’t work to get what you want – which is namely a safe, loving, healthy relationship – and what you can do instead.
Just before I get started, I just want to give a big shout out to all of you for supporting the Thriver mission and opening up to understanding it’s possible to not just survive but Thrive after narcissistic abuse and for passing on my information.
Please remember to like and subscribe to my channel as well as to my free newsletter. The link is with this video and also in the show notes. And you can access many of my resources to help you heal in the show notes.
What Walking On Egg Shells Means
So what walking on egg shells really means – it means the narcissist is unpredictable. You’re always guessing how not to trigger them. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t do something … and these people are impossible to keep happy, because they’re not happy on the inside.
They’re in fact severely disordered. Now, mind you, when you first meet them, and you first have a new relationship with a narcissist, it doesn’t start off like this, because they are usually charming and delightful.
You may at the start never imagine even arguing with this person because they seem really laid back and easy going and kind hearted and happy. This is why it’s very confusing, because when the cracks appear and this person starts acting narcissistically, you may think it’s something that you’ve done. And of course a narcissist is going to tell you that it’s your fault.
There is always something wrong in the narcissist’s world. Initially upon meeting them, you’re not going to see that, but the cracks will appear. This could be any narcissist in your life. Maybe you’re the scapegoat of the family and you have a narcissistic parent or sibling who is projecting onto you and blaming you for stuff.
Or maybe it’s your love partner that’s this person, or it could be your child, or it’s a friend. Generally, it’s somebody who you want to love and care for. You want to be close to this person and you’re the target.
You see this is the thing, narcissists target people who will stay and take it. It’s people who want to be close to the narcissist and want to make a relationship work with the narcissist.
This is why people on the outside of the relationship think the narcissist is wonderful. They think this person is a great person and often the narcissist wears the wonderful mask with these people and then they turn into a demon behind closed doors. That’s why narcissists are known as street angels and home devils. If you’re with a home devil, you are walking on broken glass.
Now, to understand why narcissists are edgy and unpredictable, and they can fly off the handle and they’re triggered by things that normal people would never blink an eye at – is because they are riddled with unhealed internal trauma. These people are literally sick on the inside.
They’ve never turned inwards to love and heal themselves back to wholeness and they are not self-loving, they’re not solid on the inside and they’re not at peace on the inside.
Their true self, which is the real them, was self-divorced long ago when the narcissist decided that this self, this Inner Being within them was inadequate so they created a false fictitious self to take their place. This was an image and a creation of who the narcissist would like to be.
Please understand that the most overtly confident people are usually people who feel incredibly insecure on the inside and they’re overcompensating with this mask, with this front. Just like people who are controlling bullies literally feel out of control on the inside and they’re not courageous at all. They usually feel really powerless, which is why they’re trying to bully and control everything outside of themselves. This is exactly what is going on with the narcissist.
In their anger, they distrust, they rage and their sullenness, their blame throwing, their ridiculous entitlements and expectations are trying to get everybody around them to beat to their drum. That can never be satisfied is because they feel so broken and insecure on the inside.
What is really going on is this, “I feel so out of whack on the inside yet I’m never going to look at that. Therefore, I’m going to try to change, demand and control everything on my outside to try to get relief on the inside.” Of course, it doesn’t work.
Why Is The Narcissist Obsessed With Drama?
Another powerful truth is this – the narcissist is always frenetically trying to distract themselves from how they really feel on the inside, which is powerless and unacceptable, defective, broken, and deranged. This is why they’re always doing something to create drama or self-medicating with addictions or going after people’s stuff, energy or attention. A narcissist cannot just be.
Also, narcissists like to “kick the cat”, which means pass their horrible, inner bubbling up feelings onto you to punish, hurt, reject or do something really cruel to you. If the narcissist doesn’t have some warped reason for doing this, as in a verifiable justification, they’re just going to make one up.
How Do You Stop Walking On Broken Glass?
How do you stop dancing around their wounds? How do you stop walking on broken glass?
If you try to submit and deal with this and twist yourself into a pretzel or a thousand different shapes, you are always going to get injured because you can’t appease this person. You can’t help them reach peace, no matter what you do.
The more you acquiesce by giving up more of your freedoms and your rights to try to stop the assaults, the less freedom and rights you’ll win back and the more are taken from you, and the more assaults you are going to suffer.
A person wanting control because they are out of control will never stop seeking more control. That’s what sick people do and this is what you are dealing with. There is only one way to get beyond this. Stop accepting this behavior as okay. It’s not.
Detach, pull away and start healing you to power up your values and truths and boundaries where you can say no and mean no. This is a step-by-step journey that will help you know when you start developing this within you. You’ll know you’re not going mad and that you do have the right to have healthy relationships with yourself, others, and life.
Certain people such as narcissists don’t have the desire or the capacity to have healthy and safe relationships. They just don’t have the inner resources. There’s no real Inner Self there. It’s a fictitious character that’s never happy.
I want you to know that once you do detach and start healing within, those unconscious reasons as to why you’re stuck in this, and why you keep handing away your power – which usually is to do with you growing up in similar circumstances and learning to dance with other people’s wounds to try to be safe and get love, approval, survival, and security – you will take back your Soul, your sanity and your life.
I highly recommend that you check out these videos, and I’m going to put them up in the show notes and they’ll be on the blog. They’re on boundary setting and going no contact with a narcissist. I know that they can help you a lot to understand this deeper.
The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist
Boundaries Lacking? 3 Easy Ways To Set Powerful Boundaries
I hope that today has helped and that it makes sense to you and that you’re going to take back your power and stop trying to acquiesce and walk on broken glass. Well, if you’re walking around it, you’re going to be in it and on it.
I look forward to your comments and your questions.
Very good listening to this, it helps makes sense an understand what’s going on in a narasstics mind an head,
I’m in no contact now for week, it’s taking all my stength to keep strong…and struggling with it too.
I understand I feel like that as it’s the trauma bond I have with him an our relationship we had.
I so would live him to listen to this video, so he can see or maybe understand himself, I don’t think it will so I probably won’t send it at all.
Be good to have Melaines take in this.
I enjoy yr video alot thanky for all u do to help us victims
Hi Sandra,
yes I truly do recommend not sending it!
It will just grant him more fodder to hurt you with.
Sending your strength and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Sandra narcs don’t get it nor can they ever change….it’s just throwing your good energy after bad. Do NARP program and heal your trauma and wounds and you’ll detach and never look back…..incredible support on the forum when you do the program OTHERWISE NOTHING EVER CHANGES. Do it for you.
Great insights It is refreshing to see that I am not the only one who is going or has gone through this shit I married a Narcissist 4 years ago only to find out that she had been romantically and physically involved with another man . We tried to make a go of it and just two months ago left me again for some man she met on line I have never heard of Narcissism before but omg am I learning fast
I had a 6 year relationship come to an end, tomorrow it will be exactly one year that she broke up with me. I have known her for 35 years.
I saw the red flags. They were everywhere but I ignored them. The dating was confined to the weekends and even then I got breadcrumbs with her coming and going so she could feed her cats and visit her adult daughter that was living in an half-way house.
I didn’t call her that much because she usually would not answer the phone. And there were so many times when she would not call me back. I was often confused where I stood with her but it was quite clear that I was never a priority with her.
There has been No Contact with both of us with the exception that I got a text from her on Thanksgiving Day at 10am, Happy Thanksgiving. That was my cue from her that I was suppose to contact her and invite her over for Thanksgiving dinner. The past six Thanksgivings I had cooked or we went to my mom’s. I texted her the same message.
I dont miss all of her drama. She had so many child-like ways of dealing with issues that never got resolved. We had the same conversations over and over. She scared the daylights out of me when it came to her finances, horrible choices. When it came to major decision making, it was often an impulse or a feeling she had when she finally made a decision, facts and common sense were ignored.
I have done my best to move on. Time is on our side. I am feeling better every day.
You’re changing my life. Thank you.
Hi Nickolas,
The truth is I’ve helped connect you to saving your life.
I’m so glad I could help.
Much love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Melanie, you’re an angel, had a bit of regression and needed to hear this. Thanks x
It’s my pleasure Carol!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
The illusion of this person, the narcissist, being my soulmate has long ago passed into some void somewhere. However, during the process of coming to my senses and learning about how to let this person go, especially and thankfully, with the help of NARP, the pain or fear of walking on broken glass or “egg shells” has significantly diminished. I so remember so clearly what that was like. It was horrible and debilitating and so not me…..
I would not be where I’m at without the help and I’ve gotten with NARP and your inspirational videos and recovery from narc abuse system.
Thank you so very much, Melanie! ❤️🦋❤️
Bless you, Peter!
You are always welcome and I love how far you have come.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Really powerful stuff -If this doesn’t offer clarity to those dancing with a narc I don’t know what will. Seeking love, acceptance, security from someone who can’t give it to themselves is simply madness. A losing battle and one that shouldn’t be started…
It’s almost the 20th anniversary of 9-11. The narcissist parents I have zapped even that from me and my husband: He was serving in the Air Force, a Pentagon survivor thankfully, was called back to work with only a handful of people on 9-12 to work at 6 a.m., with the building still shooting flames up from the roof on one side where it was hit. My father’s birthday and parents’ anniversary is the same day. Do you think they called to check on us, knowing where my hubby worked? NO. Do you think they were sorry about it? NO. Do you think they made excuses and made it all about them? Oh, heck yeah. My Mom said, “Well, somebody told me the Pentagon was hit, and I wasn’t sure but they said their phone didn’t work to call their family, so I figured you would call when you had time. I am glad Jeff was okay. I was at a hair appointment that afternoon because your Dad and I were going out to eat, so it was just a busy day.” Yep. No call, for a full week til I called them. We were so overwhelmed, we had messages galore, the phone rang off the hook from people we barely knew or knew many years ago, from overseas where hubby and I had met…from everywhere. But, nope, not my parents. And, to this day, it’s a “Wow, do you know my son-in-law worked at the Pentagon when it was hit?” when they need fodder and drama, but otherwise, nothing. I eliminated any contact except sending Christmas cards long ago, because it was just too draining to keep up this charade of drama, narcissism, almost jealousy and hatred at anybody or anything taking time up from their own show. There is no love there, never was, and it was freeing to realize all the lies, manipulations, secrets, thefts of my money and personal items at home even when I was young, were all things done because they don’t know how to love. I let it go, slowly at first, starting in my 20s but by mid-40s had almost totally gone no-contact. Now, because they cannot feed off the drama, they try the same thing, not contacting me…and then once in awhile they’ll ping me, but not often and I don’t take the bait. So sad, but it’s freeing to let it all go! 9-11 means something to us, and even though it should to them, in ways other than their special days which we still tried to honor until a few years ago with a card or small gift, an international terror target as your workplace means attention should be paid, reaching out should be done, by healthy people who know how to love and care. Just NOT my parents.
I would love to have a local group to discuss some of these issues face-to-face– think that would be a good healing experience.
Merilyn- try the Meet Up app. I found one several years ago in my town and it was very helpful. Everyone’s stories were so freakishly similar, I swear we were all dating/married to/divorced from the same person!!! It was wonderful to get a hug from someone that knew EXACTLY what you were going through with no judgment or criticism. Just compassion.
Sadly, I was a doormat to my ex narc girlfriend. I didn’t set boundaries in my relationship. I totally trusted her. She appeared early in the relationship to be exactly who I wanted to be with. When I asked her for a relationship, things soon changed. I saw the red flags but said nothing to her. I was insecure and feared she would leave if I spoke up. I lost a girlfriend years ago from an illness and then needed to care for an elderly mother who also passed away. I was completely healed when I met my girlfriend. I opened up to her but she responded with no empathy. That should have been a red flag for me but I ignored it. She walked all over me. I was weak in her eyes. She gaslighted me and devalued me with the silent treatment before she eventually discarded me with no closure. I wished I learned the important if strong boundaries. I was too naive and trustworthy. I’ve been in no contact for 5 months. Difficult with the ruminating about her. I kept a journal of my pain and hurt to remind me how awful and insincere she was to me. Her lack of empathy during a period of illness and her betrayal with an another man was the last straw. Enough is enough.