Melanie Tonia Evans

Being The Scapegoat And Trying Everything To Get Approval [Thriver Story #25 Cindy]

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I’m really excited because today I have another incredible Thriver story.

If you were abused as a child, by a parent or family member, you are especially going to want to make some time to listen to this story.

It’s pretty incredible!

This story is about a Cindy, a wonderful woman within our NARP community and is also a moderator in the NARP forum. (Like Phil who I had on the show a few weeks ago.)

Cindy grew up in dairy farm in Wisconsin with foster parents. Her mother was the narcissist and her father was the co-dependent enabler.

She spent her youth growing up trying to win her Mother’s approval and inevitably became the scapegoat of the family.

If you grew up with a narcissist in your family you will definitely relate to:

Being told you will never amount to anything and trying countless things to win their approval.

Being manipulated by shame, guilt, gaslighting and emotional blackmail.

And the vicious events of rage that escalated throughout your youth.

I have seen personally just how far Cindy has come since joining the NARP community, and I am so proud of how she has managed to step into the beingness of her True Self and become a Thriver.

Cindy aspires to be an author and you will clearly see how talented she is by how articulately she illustrates her narcissistic abuse experience and how she recovered.

One thing that blew me away is how she describes the state of “Thriving” so perfectly … And the interesting thing for her was that it was very different to what she expected.

Click play at the top of this page to listen to the show or read the show notes below. 

 

 

Cindy, please describe your situation to the community.

I had been narcissistically abused since I was placed with my adoptive family.   I was born as the result of a love affair between a single 19-year-old girl, and an engaged 23-year-old man. My birth father married his fiance, and my birth mother gave me up for adoption. I lived with a foster family until I was 4 ½ months old, then placed in my adoptive home on a Wisconsin dairy farm. My adoptive mother was the narcissist, and my adoptive father, the codependent.   They were 33 and 36 years old.

My earliest memory is standing up in my crib in the morning, waiting for my mother to come in my room to pick me up. I remember waiting a long time, but I did not cry. I had already learned that crying was ineffective to achieve attention.   I was probably two or three. I must have felt anxiety at that age already, because I remember feeling great relief when my mom came in the room and picked me up and held me in her arms. The memory ends abruptly at that point. I don’t remember anything after that, until they adopted another baby, and my mother was changing his diaper. I must have been about four. I remember my mother refusing my help. I think that was the point where she started to ignore me completely, and never carried me again. I know I spent a great deal of time in a playpen as a toddler. I don’t recall ever sitting on her lap or hugging her or her touching me in any way. She never, ever told me she loved me. She never said she was sorry. Actually, I never heard her say those words to anyone. I never felt loved by her, even though I desperately wanted to believe that she did, and sought her approval all my life.

My father was a quiet, easy-going, pleasant man, but very child-like. Although he was kind to my brother and me, he was largely absent from my life. I only saw him at mealtimes, or when he watched TV. He worked in the fields all day in the summer, and did repairs in the winter. I think he was just trying to stay away from my mother as much as possible. He rarely spoke to me, or made eye contact with me. I think that was mostly because he had no idea how to be a father, or even how to connect with children. So he just avoided all contact with us as much as possible. My feeling then was that he loved us, but was not capable of showing us or telling us. Now I believe he was very emotionally immature – too damaged in his childhood and marriage to manage truly loving anyone, although I did feel some empathy from him. After his retirement, he did develop a close relationship with my brother’s sons.

As I grew older, my mother gave me more and more chores to do. The tasks were always a bit too hard for someone my age to be able to handle, and there was never clear instructions, patience, or empathy. I had to keep at it, even if I cried, even if I was home sick from school, until the task was done. There was also no schedule. I had no idea when I would be told to do something, and I was always on call. By the time I was a teenager, I was basically a house, farm, yard and garden slave. When I wasn’t working, my mother wanted me out of sight. We had to go outside every day, even in below-zero weather. My brother and I were left alone at too young of an age, and could have been harmed in any number of ways. Miraculously, we weren’t.

I once locked myself in a storage container when I was about ten. I did not panic, probably because I was really good at dissociating from myself by then. I kicked at the door sporadically for hours in complete darkness, until my mother finally walked by and heard me. She opened the door and said matter-of-factly, “so that’s where you’ve been,” and then just continued on her way.

As we grew older, my mother’s rages increased in frequency, duration and volume. I was terrified of her. She yelled at my father constantly, barking orders at him like he was a dog. As I got older and challenged her more, she turned her rage full on me. My brother soon learned to use humor on her, and it worked like a charm.   She petted him, would giggle with him and no longer yelled at him. He could do no wrong, and I could do no right. I became the scapegoat, and my brother became the golden child. When she wasn’t raging at my dad or me, she would go into rants degrading the neighbors, my dad’s relatives, and other people we knew. Meal time was the ideal time for her to have a captive audience for these rants.

Although I was well-fed, clothed and given money for anything I needed at school, she was never emotionally available to me, and treated me with indifference or disdain – depending on her mood.

In public, she was the sweetest woman, always giving freely of her time and labor to the church and the American Legion. I was very bright in school, so she always bragged cheerfully about me to others in public, but I got nothing but blank looks and criticism at home: how I was never good enough, and that I wouldn’t amount to anything. These were her constant mantras directed at me. She was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

No one knew how horrible she was to me in private, although her mother and siblings caught glimpses of it, and must have known somewhat of her temper.   They were caught up themselves in the family dynamic of her NPD, and either were in denial, rationalizing it away, or just turned a blind eye. I had no one to turn to for help, although I appealed to my father one time when she was at her worst. He just brushed her off saying, “Ach, you know how she is,”  and turned away. He was trying the best he could do just to survive her onslaught with his limited, childlike emotional capabilities and intellect. He never, ever harmed me, but wasn’t capable of helping either. It was like being raised by a six-year-old bully and her six-year-old victim, but both with adult privileges.

Despite the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse, and despite knowing something was terribly wrong with my mother, I convinced myself that she had to love me, especially since she spoke so lovingly and cheerfully of me in public, and I tried in countless ways to win her love and approval throughout my childhood and on throughout my adulthood. I argued, fought, and pleaded with her to no avail. I tried humor like my brother, but it never worked for me. I was firmly stuck in the role of scapegoat.

I can count on one hand the times I felt close to my dad. Try as I might, I can’t come up with one with my mother.

I moved out of my childhood home after I graduated from high school, and went on to college, but the abuse continued. In my adulthood, she would use guilt, shame and emotional blackmail to get me to do what she wanted. She used my loyalty and sense of obligation against me. I was only too willing to try to please her, in order to get her love and approval. It never happened. She would also bait me and gaslight me, until I reacted and blew up.   I was too busy defending myself, trying to appease her, and to appeal to her non-existent sense of justice to notice that this was on purpose. She wasn’t very bright, so I always excused her for this reason as well: that she really wasn’t aware of what she was doing.

When I had children, she largely ignored them, except to criticize them. I would continue to visit her and my dad with my kids and husband 2-3 times a year out of obligation, and hoped that she would change, and give me the love and approval I was desperate to have from her. Instead, I had to endure the pain of watching her ignore my children and husband, like they didn’t even exist.

 

How were you as a result of the N-experience?

I had developed complex-PTSD as a result of the abuse. As a child, I suffered from acute anxiety, and was painfully shy. I never asked for help because I was thoroughly conditioned that that was fruitless. I was also conditioned to feel that I didn’t deserve help — that I had no value. Once when I was about six, I got my fingers trapped between the metal bar and the back of the driver’s seat on the school bus when the driver pushed his seat back. I sat there and endured the pain for 15 minutes until the driver decided to pull his seat forward again. No one was aware that happened. It actually happened to me again a year later, and I endured the pain nearly an hour before I successfully pulled my fingers out, wriggling them free little my little.  I had all of the C-PTSD symptoms with anxiety, depression, catastrophic thinking, and being full of shame topping the list.

I suffered from digestive problems constantly. I was sick with a terrible cold almost all winter. When I entered puberty, I endured horrible menstrual cramps and had to come home from school every month. I was never taken to a doctor.   Although my parents had sufficient finances, aspirin and band-aids were meagerly distributed. I just suffered through my illnesses. I was tired all the time. My adrenals were burned out, and my iron levels very low. My immune system was greatly overtaxed.

I cried a great deal and so often from the stress, overwork, pain, absence of love and injustice of it all, that crying almost got boring. Whenever my mother said or did something particularly cruel, which was quite often, I would go to my room and bawl my eyes out until I got coughing fits and dry heaves. She never checked on me.

All of this continued throughout my childhood. I did develop a spiritual connection with nature, though. I could feel some power higher than myself shining through the trees, the clouds, the sky. I felt this connection inside of me, and it gave me some solace through my suffering. I also read novels every chance I could, and watched a lot of television. Escaping into another world gave me a needed break from my own painful life. Escape was the only way I could survive my life.

After my junior prom, I got drunk for the first time. All of my anxiety left me immediately, and I felt calm for the very first time in my life. I thought I had died and gone to heaven! Although, something in me was telling me I’d never drink normally again. That voice was spot on. I became an instant alcoholic in that moment. From that time on, I was compelled to drink until I had enough to pass out once I got home. I found a sure-fire way to medicate my anxiety out of existence. I could only drink at about four more episodes in high school, since I was stuck in the role of a straight-A, straight-laced student. My success at school got me the only positive feedback and the only self esteem I had, even though I had not much sense of who I was, so I was obsessively focused on my grades, extra-curricular activities and reputation. But I got drunk enough all five times to pass out in my bed once I got home. I got good at timing it perfectly.

When I got to college, I could drink exactly how I pleased, and my alcoholism really took off. Although my anxiety levels were still really high when I was sober, my digestion and monthly cycles improved dramatically as soon as I moved out. I no longer got those horrible colds, although my iron, adrenals, and energy remained very low.

The alcohol made my inhibitions go away, and I started looking for love in all the wrong places. I think I was always craving my mother’s arms to hold me, going back to the time I was standing up in my crib.

Of course, the horrible consequences of drinking rapidly overshadowed the benefits of temporarily being anxiety-free. My alcoholism escalated very quickly from drinking only on the weekend to practically every day over a six-year period.   I had to drop out of college, and worked as a cook in restaurants just so I could pay the rent and keep drinking, although the alcohol no longer worked as a medication. I was heavily addicted. My depression deepened, the anxiety came back, I was hardly eating, chain-smoking cigarettes, and I was in so much pain and so full of shame that I just wanted my life to end. I had hit rock bottom. I was very broken indeed, and felt completely dead inside.

 

What had you tried to do to get well Cindy?

After a couple false starts, I had a spiritual awakening and truly dedicated myself to recovery from alcoholism. I was 25 years old. I’m 52 now. Chemical dependency treatment saved my life, and Alcoholics Anonymous kept me alive and became my life-long treatment – going beyond keeping me sober, to giving me spiritual tools to heal, and cope with life on life’s terms.   Although I don’t go to meetings anymore, I still use those spiritual tools everyday. I recalled that spiritual connection I had with nature as a kid, and that became my higher power.

Even though I found great relief from the terrible consequences of alcohol, and I could use the spiritual tools of the 12-step programs, I still had an addictive personality. I went through the gamut of addictions, from smoking to men to shopping to overeating. I used the 12-step programs to work through all of my addictions with varying success. I did alleviate the addictions to smoking and men, and cut down on the shopping and overeating, but I now realize that there is only one Addiction with many different faces. It all comes from the same place of trying to fill some gap in me, or to use as an avoidance of facing the pain of unhealed wounds.

I found that the stronger my relationship with my higher power, and the more I could plug into the spiritual world, the better I felt and the more serenity I had.    I did have progress in my healing over these years, albeit slow and gradual, but I couldn’t get totally over the pain my mother’s abuse caused. I did gain some self-esteem when my counselors asked me to publish a newsletter for the alumni of the treatment program I had gone through. This got me in touch with my passion of writing, and I went back to college to finish out my bachelors degree with a minor in creative writing. Those three semesters were the happiest I had ever been because I was doing what I loved, acting out of my authentic self. I was getting to know who I am.

I still wasn’t very good at relationships, though. Even though I never dated a narcissist, none of those men were healthy, and had lots of narcissistic and codependent traits and were emotionally distant, just like me. I had one particularly painful breakup because I was so addicted to him. It took me over a year working the 12-steps of codependency on a spiritual level and following the advice of Melody Beattie, to get over him.  It wasn’t until I had been in AA for about 7 years that I started dating my husband to be. We had both been in recovery a while, and were getting healthy. At least we were both willing to support each other and were committed to grow together.

Besides 12-step programs, I also went to couples counseling with my husband, I practiced meditation, yoga, went on retreats, visualization and journeying workshops, got psychic readings, read tarot cards and lots of self-help books. One of the last books I read and did the exercises from before I found NARP was The Legacy of the Heart by Wayne Muller. It really helped me start to understand that I deserved my own life, and helped me begin the separation from my family of origin and forgiveness for them and myself, and that I could and should separate myself from them.

After I discovered my mother had NPD, I began distancing myself emotionally from her, setting boundaries, and visiting her less frequently. When it was very clear that low contact was not causing her to act any differently, and my symptoms were only getting worse, I decided to go No Contact.

At this time I was involved on a forum for adult children of toxic parents.   Although the leader of the forum was pretty positive and focussed on healing, I felt like I wasn’t getting any better, and reading the comments was making me feel worse. After a private Skype coaching session with her, I realized that she wasn’t a good fit for me, and I knew she couldn’t help me to the extent I needed.

Then I found Richard Grannon, The Spartan Life Coach, online and resonated with his youtube videos. I had three Skype coaching sessions with him in which he identified my C-PTSD symptoms for the first time, and recognized that I still had my mother on a pedestal. He helped me understand my mother for who she really is, and identified my wounds. I felt better after doing the Neuro-linguistic programming audios he made specifically for me. The last audio was mostly targeting my block to engaging in life without feelings of dread, overwhelm or fear of not being perfect.   I felt good right after, but it didn’t seem to have a lasting effect.

However, after discovering I suffered from C-PTSD, I immediately found the most experienced person I could find on the subject, Pete Walker, and bought his books. I was greatly disappointed to find out that even he could only offer treatment.   There was no real cure.

I started searching Youtube videos online, looking for a cure, and somehow came to inner child visualizations. I had always scoffed at getting in touch with my inner child as being nonsense, but there I was meeting my inner child for the first time.   I felt a deep, deep connection, like a coming home, so I knew I was on the right track.

 

Speaking of your Inner Child, and parenting – when did you discover you Mother was a narcissist?

In February of 2011, I had a friend who’s mother was very similar to mine.   She told me that her mother was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder through her stories to her counselor. I had never heard of NPD before. I looked it up on Mayo Clinic online, and my jaw dropped to the floor. My mother very clearly fit all the characteristics.

I immediately started researching NPD through books and online.   It became clearer and clearer that my mother had NPD, and I was the scapegoat.

 

How did you find my work Cindy?

That same night I did the inner child visualization, I felt a deep knowing that there was a cure for C-PTSD, and I was convinced I would find it. I immediately started searching for it on youtube. I can’t remember the search words I used, but there was your program. I started watching the videos, agreeing with the peptide explanations, and anxious to get to the end of your talk to try the actual healing. I finally got there, did the Quanta Freedom Healing, went from an 8 down to a 2, and was tremendously excited. I felt the relief. I thought I might have found my cure.

 

How long was it before you started the NARP Program?

After considering the investment, I decided it was worth a try, even though the program was targeted at healing from narc abuse from a romantic relationship. I thought I could probably make it work for me with my NPD mother. I purchased NARP within a couple days, joined the forum, and started Module One. That was April, 2014.

After combing the forum for members with NPD parents, I didn’t find much, and my dysfunctional brain was trying to get me to self-sabotage, telling me I didn’t belong there. Despite my faulty thinking and false guilt in going No Contact with my own mother, I reached out for validation, and belonging in the community. I started the topic “Any members out there with NPD parents?”  in late April.   Moderator Tami Boaz and other moderators and members responded immediately, and I felt much better and accepted.

I wanted more validation, so I started another topic: “Anybody have narcissistic parents?” in July. Tami was the one who had the great idea to make it a sticky topic. And so “Advice for people with narcissistic parents” was born in September, and made it much easier for new members to come forward to talk about their healing from narc parents.   As more members came forward that had gone NC with their parents like I did, the more relief, validation and belonging I felt. I no longer felt like odd man out, and my healing continued to deepen.

I just want to emphasize right here that it doesn’t matter who the narcissist is in your life, and it doesn’t matter if the abuse happened in the past or if it’s ongoing.   The narcissist could be a parent, a teacher, a sibling, a spouse, a boss or just a friend. The abuse could have happened in your childhood or an early marriage, and even if you haven’t had contact with your narcissist for 10 or 20 years, you are still probably carrying around unhealed wounds which are affecting your life, and preventing you from living life and enjoying life to it’s fullest.  NARP focuses on healing you, no matter your background, or who the narcissist is. The healing process is exactly the same. The narcissist is just the symptom, just the red flag pointing to what needs to be healed in you. Once you get to NARP and healing, it has nothing to do with the narcissist and everything to do with you.

I had to change a word or two in the modules from partner to mother, but that was pretty insignificant. I was relieved that the modules were totally addressed to me and my healing, and had nothing to do really with who the narcissist is.

In fact, I personally believe that anyone can shift their unhealed wounds out using QFH, even if they haven’t been narcissistically abused.   My husband hadn’t, but after he saw the incredible changes in me, he started doing the modules and has seen fantastic results.

 

What started to shift as a result of working with NARP? 

The very first thing that came up in my very first shift of Module One, was the pain of not really having a mother, never having a mother, and having to let go of ever having a mother. It was about LOSS. It was about the acceptance that I was truly ALONE.  I went from an 8-10 down to a 1-2.   Although I bawled my eyes out and shook from the pain during the shift, like so many times in the past, this time the relief was immediate and immense. That particular pain was simply gone.

During the four months I worked through NARP, little by little all my C-PTSD symptoms were leaving me. The first thing I noticed the absence of was the pain of realizing the illusion of my mother. I then noticed I wasn’t doing any catastrophic thinking, like being convinced my husband didn’t call because he was dead in some car accident. I found that I wasn’t micro-managing my children anymore, or being hypervigilant of them or my husband. My anxiety was leaving me bit by bit, and thoughts of doing normal things like making a dental appointment didn’t overwhelm me.

To replace the dysfunctions, waves of well-being started washing over me more and more. I had moments of feeling great liberation and joy. I had more energy because I wasn’t wasting it on anxiety and overwhelm. I was calmer, and life seemed much easier. I found that I wasn’t blaming anyone for my moods or reactions anymore. I was taking complete responsibility for my own stuff, and not for others. I wasn’t feeling anything for them. They had their own feelings and I had mine. I found myself speaking my truth more often, and standing up for myself, instead of putting up with other’s behavior, and swallowing my truth, because I was afraid they wouldn’t like me anymore. I didn’t care if people liked me anymore at all!

By the time I finished NARP and had gone through the TFOW course, I was pretty well grounded in myself. I felt loved and adored by Source and myself, and I felt a lack of nothing. Source and I could give me anything I needed. There was abundance everywhere, and all I had to do was ask. I no longer felt like I needed to please others in order for them to give me love, attention and approval. I simply didn’t need anything from them, and so I could be my authentic self for my own integrity. This doesn’t mean I was brutally honest with people. But it did mean that I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, while still finding the way to be compassionate and kind. I can take care of myself without hurting others.

 

What did you discover about your inner programs that you were carrying within you, that had co-generated the abuse in your life?

Not surprisingly were the dysfunctional programs my mother instilled, or the survival programs I developed as a result to protect myself from the abuse. Most of all I believed I had no value, because my mother told me I wasn’t good enough, I was lazy and wouldn’t amount to anything. I used these programs to abuse myself by never pursuing my dreams of becoming a writer. I just worked at minimum wage jobs, because I thought that’s all I thought I could do. These programs were greatly responsible for my being frozen, not engaging in life, and wanting to escape.

Also not surprising was the rejection and abandonment issues from my birth parents giving me up for adoption, and my adoptive mother’s degradation of me.   I played these out by believing I would never be worthy of love, and left relationships before they could leave me. I constantly set myself up for abandonment and rejection in many ways, and were largely responsible for my anxiety, and made me a people pleaser.

Both of the above worked together in pointing me into the direction of becoming an addict. I could escape and find relief from the anxiety at the same time.

What did surprise me was the huge amount of servant or slave mindset, and actual servitude and slavery I played out in many lifetimes. I had the victim role down pat. I don’t know if I was ever allowed to be my own person, with my own mind, and to act as a sovereign individual.  Of course this played through with my mother treating me like a slave, and living basically in poverty during my adult life, giving more of my time and money to others than I did to myself – always putting others before myself. I didn’t really even have a sense of myself at all, especially when I was a child, l until I got into AA recovery. I think I had a bit of Dissociative Disorder; perhaps Depersonalization Disorder.

I had always felt like I was never as deserving as others, and not even being a real person.

 

What has happened in your life since doing the inner work?

I would say that I’ve been doing inner work since I went into recovery from alcoholism 27 years ago. Although I did see some healing from all the work I’ve done pre-NARP because it was mostly spiritually based, nothing I did was so quick and effective, thorough and long-lasting as QFH.   It could be that because of those 25+ years of inner work, I was totally primed for QFH, and just needed the last push over the edge, and that was why I went through NARP so quickly.

I. The deep changes inside my mind and spirit are phenomenal:

  • All of my c-PTSD symptoms are gone: anxiety; catastrophic thinking; dissociation, micro-managing and feeling responsible for other’s lives as if they were my own; feeling overwhelmed over having to do simple tasks.
  • Obsessive/Compulsive tendencies and narcissistic tendencies are almost all gone. Codependent tendencies are vastly reduced.
  • Feeling more deeply connected to my husband and children, and others as well.
  • The absence of dread when doing housework, yardwork, etc.
  • The absence of fear of what my mother, brother or anyone will do to me.
  • The absence of false guilt and shame.
  • Stopped blaming others, or focusing on their faults.
  • Feeling a great sense of well-being, wholeness, trust and connection to myself and Source.
  • Not feeling panicky, overreaction or needing to rush when an action is asked of me.
  • Full forgiveness for myself, my mother, my brother, my father, and everyone else.
  • Deeper compassion for myself, my mother, my brother, my father and everyone else.
  • The ability to let go on a much deeper level of everything outside of myself.
  • I don’t beat myself up for my shortcomings.
  • More clarity. Able to think things through calmly and rationally.
  • Greater intuition.
  • I have more control over my ego.
  • I feel safe in the world.
  • I am falling deeper in love with myself.

II. Changes in my body are great also:

  • Digestion and elimination are normal for the first time in my life.
  • Iron stores are no longer depleted and up to normal levels for the first time in my life.
  • More energy.
  • So much trauma has left my body that I am no longer constantly stiff in my neck and shoulders. The pain in my lower back and hips is gone as well.
  • I am perfectly healthy.

III. There are behavior changes as well:

  • ​I am less “frozen”: I’m engaging more in everyday life by:
  • Becoming much more active and motivated in raising our backyard farm animals.
  • I preserved all the fruit we grew last fall. Not one cherry, raspberry or stick of rhubarb was wasted.
  • I’ve gotten rid of more clutter and garbage out of my house and basement. I’ve organised my living space much more.
  • I am travelling to places I’ve only dreamed of before, and having so much fun!
  • I am not travelling to places (visiting relatives) which I’ve only done out of obligation and were no fun.
  • I am not doing any activity simply out of obligation or habit, where I gained nothing.
  • Engaging in activities while remaining true to myself.
  • I am a more responsible wife and mother, paying more attention to the needs of my family – what they really need, not what I think they need. (I’m also giving myself what I need, so I am not longer asking from them what I need to provide for myself.)
  • I quit putting energy into relationships where I mostly gave, and got little in return.
  • People are treating me with more respect.
  • I honor my mind and body, and follow what I need to do for my health as best I can without false guilt.
  • I am not in a panicked rush while doing any activity.
  • I complete tasks in a good-enough manner. I’ve let go of the compulsion to complete everything perfectly.

Since I wrote the above, I’ve done ES Modules 4 and 5, and a Goal Setting Module with the intention of “I have a normal energy level and a vital life force.”

This last month I feel like I have arrived at the turning point to becoming a Thriver, and made that turn around the corner. For the first time in my life I feel like I am finally ‘engaging in my life,’ which would be my definition of a Thriver.   However, this place of thriving is so amazing to me, because it is so much different than what I expected!  I thought thriving meant (to me personally) that I would be fully engaged in writing a book – picking up a project I had shelved 20 years ago.   I have discovered that thriving, or engaging in my life, is simply a “being” – a shift in attitude and perception, and not really a “doing” at all!   Well, I am doing things differently, and I am more active, but it’s really more of a letting go of all superficial constructs and expectations – especially my own! – and being ‘tuned in, tapped in, turned on’ (to quote Abraham) and recognizing while I am in that state, that I am pulled by Source into service to myself and others in the most meaningful way available to me in that moment.

That may include my life-long dream of writing, and it may not. I’ve found that I just don’t care! I know that at this point in my recovery, there is no going back. I will continue to be pulled in the direction of where Source wants to take me, and it just doesn’t matter what that is to me! I’ll just continue to do the next right thing according to my authentic desires, and it will be perfectly satisfying. I’m ready to be totally surprised, or just continuing to enjoy my quiet little life in Upper Michigan.

 

Have you had to deal with or are you still dealing with any matters with the previous N’s?

I did have a property I jointly owned with my brother that we sold last year. Even though we communicated through attorneys, it was really hard on me emotionally, and I was still working NARP. Of course, my mother got in the middle of it, making crazy demands, but I held firm, even though I was frightened and still having catastrophic thinking.

After I signed the papers and got my check in the mail, I found out that they resold the land and had cheated me out of $100 K. Even though this was like a sucker punch to my guts, the money itself wasn’t the issue, even though this is a colossal amount to me. It was the fact that they could be so heartless to me, so unfair, and so criminal since both an attorney and an appraiser had to be in on it. They don’t know that I know that they cheated me, so I was relieved that they were probably satisfied that they came out on top, and wouldn’t pursue any more punishment to get more supply. I was just happy I operated out of my own integrity, and I am done with dealing with them.

This was also a huge capper to my commitment to NC. Not only was the door to contact nailed shut, it was double-barred and with the bolts welded shut after this experience with them. There was nothing left to tie me to them. I had absolutely no reason to ever see them again. This was so liberating, I can’t even describe it.

 

How has the inner work helped with your children?

I have an 18-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old son. As soon as my C-PTSD symptoms started disappearing, my children got closer to me. They trust and respect me even more, and really have loosened up. We have a lot more fun together, since the atmosphere is hugely relaxed. My husband is more relaxed around me. I am so, so grateful to have a deeper emotional and spiritual connection to my husband and kids, I could just weep.

When my daughter was going through a lot of anxiety during her first year at college away from home, I started doing the Goal Setting Module for her as her proxy with her permission. Her loss of connection to Source came up a lot, and she had issues with feeling lost, alone and abandoned that she brought forward into this lifetime. She feels much more grounded to me now, so I think it help quite a bit.

I just want to emphasize to get through NARP before you attempt to do healing by proxy with your children, and be sure to get their permission. I needed to be real grounded in myself before I could be objective and face the suffering of my children, and help them find their way.

 

What message Cindy do you have to share with others?

Your state is all important. Getting in the proper state with an attitude of gratitude is most conducive for healing. Connect to Source in whatever way that resonates with you: a walk in the woods, meditation, music. This is the best way to feeling grateful and humble. Then when it comes to doing your inner work, HOW, for how it works, is the best acronym in the world: Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness. Acceptance for where you are at is also key, owning your own issues.   Allow Patience to set the pace, and Compassion for yourself to set the tone, treating yourself like your own precious child.

Say affirmations all day long, only word them in a way that you truly believe them. If you don’t believe you love yourself, don’t look in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Say, “I’m growing to love myself more each day.” instead. Eventually with NARP, you will get to the place where you do really love yourself, and can look yourself in the eye and say it, and mean it.

Understand that in the beginning of your recovery, your thinking is extremely dysfunctional. Don’t trust everything you think on face value. Be especially suspicious when it’s of a negative nature. Accept that sometimes your mind is out to get you, and your ego will be mounting resistance like crazy, putting up walls to keep you from getting to your authentic self. As real as all these fears and doubts may seem to you, it is nothing but smoke and mirrors. As soon as you can get objective about your recovery, the sooner you will gain the upper hand over your ego. See yourself objectively as an ICU patient, who needs especial gentle handling.

Instead of trusting your brain and logic, move your focus downward toward your heart and guts. Feel into this part of you to see if the information you are receiving really resonates with you. Does it feel good and solid, or give you a feeling of tightness or unrest? What helps someone else, may not help you. It’s totally okay and proper to leave it and move on to something else.

You are a star, no more and no less dim than any other. This work only allows you to see yourself clearly, for who you really are. You have been this all along. You have just gotten a bit lost and bogged down in the muck and mire. When you do some healing and understand yourself more fully, you will be fully liberated to thoroughly enjoy shining with love and joy.

I joined the forum in April of 2014, and have completed NARP, the Transforming Family of Origins Wounds course and the Empowerment Self course up through Module 5. I have grown tremendously, not only from the QFHs, but by the rest of your outstanding program, Mel. The structure of the whole website is tremendous – you have covered all the bases!  From the eBooks, to the emails, to the blog and radio show, and facebook pages – everything is organized so well, and so accessible, and packed full with leading edge information to assist every aspect of our healing.

The forum has been an exceptional godsend to me. The healing is definitely in the modules, but I have gotten validation, support, acceptance and love from the forum in the early days. Through my healing so far, I am now experiencing an even deeper connection with my NARP family. The current active members on the forum are so incredible, and so honest, willing and open minded. They are not afraid to be who they are, and watching them blossom has been such a lovely experience. I really enjoy all their personalities and humor. I am so impressed with everyone’s wisdom and willingness to help others. Honestly, I feel honored to be connected to all of them. There are too many to list on this show, and I probably would forget someone, but just know that if I’ve ever responded to you on the forum, I have been touched by you, and I think of you. As I am in the place of the moderators before me, you will be in my place in the future. It’s inevitable.   I have learned so much from others, especially since I’ve been a moderator.   Melanie, thank you so much for inviting me to become a moderator on the forum! I can’t tell you how much I have grown from this experience.

Not only have I grown from this role in relating to the members, but I have found a deep connection with the other current moderators, and have grown so much from interacting with them. Clarie is an outstanding source of information and a tireless source of support. When she responds to you, you know you have been clarie-fied. Phil is also deeply dedicated to lend a hand wherever needed. He is constantly there to welcome the newcomers, and is a steadfast presence on the forum. It was a just pleasure hearing his voice, and getting to know him better in the last thriver show. Nora is just the sweetest person I know, really. Compassion and understanding just flows from her when she responds to members’ questions. She is also a fount of information.

I don’t know if members realize this, but a moderator’s time and efforts are totally volunteered. We can come and go as we please. Even so, each moderator is extremely dedicated to the forum and takes their role very seriously. We collaborate often to decide the best course of action for the highest good. We are all different so we each offer a fresh perspective, but we also work well together with respect, support and compassion. I am so honored to be a part of this group.

Most importantly to me though, is my own healing. I cannot be of very good service to others while I am just coping with life – and I mean authentic, interdependent service, not codependent service. Through my healing I have come home to myself to this place of intense love and joy. You know how a family must feel when a soldier comes home from a tour of duty after being gone for months.   This is about a 100 times better than that. I have tears of joy every time this thought even crosses my mind, because I never believed that this was even possible! My survival programs were so ingrained in me, that I thought they were me, and I’d have to live with them. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have discovered my authentic self under those layers. There are still layers left – I’m not done yet – but I can see them clearly now for what they are, and know that my true self lies just underneath. This is a life-long journey, but the important thing is that I have turned the corner into thriving and I will never go back.

 

I Hope You Enjoyed This Thriver Show!

Wow I can’t believe it … We are up to the 25th Thriver show already!

If you are someone who has suffered narcissistic abuse from a family member Cindy and I would love you to reach out in the comments. Remember you aren’t alone … There are so many people at different stages of recovery here to encourage, support and inspire you.

If you are not yet a member of NARP I would like to invite you to take part in my next Webinar – The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse which is taking place next week.

Click here to reserve your space for this event.

Or if you are someone who is had enough of the pain and want to start getting your life back on track starting now…

Click here to find all the information on how to join NARP.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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45 Thoughts on Being The Scapegoat And Trying Everything To Get Approval [Thriver Story #25 Cindy]
  • winnie.ramsey@live.dk'
    Winnie
    June 19, 2015

    Dear Cindy,
    Thank you for your share – you are wonderful to listen to – so clear, so calm, and what a wonder you have survived such an agonizing childhood – emotionel torture – you stand out – deep respect – and thank you both Cindy and Melanie.
    Xxx

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 19, 2015

      You are very welcome, Winnie. It was an honor to do this show with Melanie, and was an important stage in my recovery to reflect back to myself how much I’ve grown. I am astounded myself at how strong I must have been to endure all that. We all don’t give ourselves enough credit!

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    June 19, 2015

    I can relate to Cindy’s experiences. I was the scapegoat of my ex-wife. I couldn’t say, do or think anything right. If I was Jesus Christ and fed the 5000 she would criticise me for not feeding them cake and ice cream. If I fed them cake and ice cream she would criticize me for using too much sugar.

    I learned early on to never ask for her help. If she knew I wanted something she would stand in the way and block it. If she asked me what I wanted to eat, I would never tell, because if I did, I would never again see that recipe.

    She got the kids on the scapegoat bandwagon against me, then when she tired of me, she would start on one of the kids. As soon as they came home from school, it was accusations of drug use, risky sexual behavior and dangerous friends. These accusations would go on until bedtime.

    One of my daughters came to me and said she may as well do all the risky behavior because her mother was sure she was guilty anyway. I tried to tell her that her mother is mentally ill. I tried to stop her over and over only to get into a fight and the child I was defending would take her side and scapegoat me.

    At the time I didn’t understand, but she was getting sadistic pleasure tormenting all of us and doubly so when she triangulated the kids against me for defending them. She would cause the problem, call me in to help and then I get attacked by everybody. I fell for that trick year after year.

    Yes, I worked long hours so I wouldn’t have to see the ex and hear her constant never ending dramas and criticisms. I had C-PTSD. She had me believing that I was Satan himself.

    In the end she turned the kids against each other and them all against me. When we divorced (I stopped allowing her to control me and it frustrated her to no end).

    After the divorce I was paranoid, I didn’t want friends and didn’t care if I lived or died. I saw every woman as a narc and a direct threat. I knew this was not normal and made the choice to do serious healing.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 19, 2015

      Stephen,
      The pain in your story is very clear. The similarities between your wife and my mother are uncanny. And your feelings of being the scapegoat are the same for you with your wife as me with my mother. Narcissistic abuse in general causes the same damage no matter who it’s from. I am so glad that it led you to healing, as my abuse led me to mine. I wish you every blessing on your healing journey.

  • Sweetcheeksss1@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer
    June 19, 2015

    I am, and have always been the scapegoat of my family. I grew up at the hands of a physically and emotionally abusive NPD father. I am the middle child and was the only one who ever stood up to him. I was the only one who refused to believe that the problem was with me. I endured such physical and emotional punishment but never surrendered to him. I remember telling him in the middle of a beating , pinned to my bed with him punching me with a closed fist repeatedly ” eventually you will
    Either kill me or knock me unconscious. I will wait for that but I will never tell you I’m sorry or its my fault “. I was probably 12. After finding I would not revere him as the omnipotent being he felt he was, he simply pretended I didn’t exist. No dentist , no doctor , I had to buy my own school clothes once I started working at 15 and 9 months. I was thrown out of the house the day after I graduated high school at 17. He has forbidden the rest of the family to be in contact with me , and they have complied for fear of retaliation. I’m now 50. I have no family. This is ok since I still associate ” family “with pain. It took me years to collect my spirit from those places in the past. I’m a successful professional with an amazing son with whom I share a beautiful relationship. It is possible to break the cycle of bad choices heal your broken parts. I’m the proof.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      Congratulations on liberating yourself from abuse, Jennifer. Your childhood was definitely physically rougher than mine. For me, my mother was a master at psychological, emotional and verbal abuse. I wasn’t allowed to work so I could remain a slave at home, and dedicate my time to schoolwork. My success there gave my mother oodles of prestige.

      I’m so happy you’ve found your spirit and share a beautiful life with your son. You showed a lot of courage to heal.

    • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
      Jeri
      June 20, 2015

      Jennifer, I am glad you survived this experience(s). I was a middle child also and the scapegoat. I suffered so much in my life due to this. I now find myself disinherited (tho this is along with another sister and brother due to the dysfunction/narcissist). I won’t go into detail because as I am sure you know reads like a novel. But I do want to say that I wish I had had a child. I was so afraid of passing this down in some form – genetic or perhaps unconscious damage on my part – that I was too afraid to risk it. Now I am alone and I see in hindsight that I woulcl not and could not ever treat a child the way I was treated. I am glad for you and your son that you have a good relationship. I went no contact for 7 years at one point and I made a big mistake to believe there was any healing as a result. It just got worse and I did not think that was even possible. Some things just can’t be healed or fixed this side of heaven. The only healing possible is that which you do within yourself. The NARP only wants to destroy you. I have holes in my soul that are too easily ripped open with any exposure. I should not have taken such poor care of myself as to have allowed that but I had sibling dynamics involved. Which brings me back to the disinheritance. My older sister inherited the NARP gene or just learned from the master and joined forces with her mother to take it down a whole new level of betrayal, greed, rejection and sheer evil. My biggest regret was not going no contact when my younger sister did at 29. I did it at 40 but then reinitiated contact at 48 and went thru hell for 8 more years of devastation.

  • Kjudd79@hotmail.com'
    Kerrin
    June 20, 2015

    Hi Cindy & Melanie,
    Thank you, I thoroughly enjoyed your share/ interview. Very raw & inspirational. I’m really keen to do the NARP program but I’m currently in a 12 step program and working full time. I’m worried I’ll be over committing myself or setting myself up to fail. What do you think? I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families which also focuses on the effects/ traits that have effected my adult life and I have made huge huge huge improvements from deaths door but as you shared, 12 step program’s can be a little slow, I’d like to find that next step to get me over my recovery hill. I also have done loads of melody beautti and john bradshaw work and an endless amount of books.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      Hello Kerrin,
      I am beyond grateful that I found Melanie’s programs. Although I had some growth in following the 12-step programs, they simply couldn’t touch the deep unhealed wounds. And although I got good at coping with my dysfunctional programming by becoming somewhat aware of them, and learning effective strategies to still function, I was not able to cure them.

      I was merely surviving. I was surviving much, much better than ever before, but just surviving nonetheless. Still being triggered by events in my life, and coping with anxiety and feeling panicked and overwhelmed. It was exhausting me, and I was really losing interest in life quickly.

      With the Quanta Freedom Healings, I was able to shift out those dysfunctional programs, like pulling weeds with all of the roots out of a garden. Unlike weeds though, those programs will never come back. Now my garden has nothing but flowers, and all the energy from the soil is going into nurturing them.

      I believe this could be the next step for you as well. Try it and see. You have nothing to lose but your “weeds” in your garden.

    • JewelinVentura@aol.com'
      Jeri
      June 20, 2015

      Kerrin, I have done those books too. I am an acupuncturist so am of course very familiar with energy medicine. Melanie’s program is all about shifting energy so it addresses our damage caused by the narcs we have been exposed to/damaged by. The books are more about understanding the damage on a cognitive level. You won’t be draining/depleting yourself with her program you will be shifting and relieving the bad energy which will unburden you not drain you. I have spent a whole lot more money on therapy with a therapist who was clueless about narcissists than the cost of NARP. The therapist told me to talk to my mother!!!! As in hold her accountable!!! I won’t go into how that went down and the years of vindication/torture I endured for daring to ask for accountability. If you feel ‘overcommitted’ which I sincerely doubt – you can pick up the program any time. It is there to work as you chose. Please do it for yourself. Jeri

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    June 20, 2015

    HI Cindy. Thank you so much for the wonderful talk. I too was conceived by a couple of young people, then spent my first 3 months in foster care till I was adopted by very narcissistic parents. I empathize with you. I then went on to marry a narc and had 2 kids. One of them is now 24, a drug addict, and lives with the narc, who left the family 4 years ago, because I was not a “ten”. Now my daughter is not talking to me. My other daughter lives with me and is much healthier. Although I am also much calmer and healthier now that the narc is gone, she still is struggling with all that happened, of course. I am rebuilding with her and she is finding her way, but it has been a tough road. The thing I was struck with and am thinking a lot about lately, is the wish or fantasy for someone to rescue us from this pain, and ultimately, we must take responsibility and heal the pain if anything is to change. The narc appeared like the white Knight to show me eventually, that only I can heal myself. One of the core vulnerabilities I think for those of us in abusive relationships, is the wish for someone outside us, to heal us from our pain. What an awakening it is when that burden is relieved and the power is put back in our hands.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      You’re welcome, Ruth.
      The similarity in our beginnings is uncanny. But my heart goes out to you in going through your experience with your children. I too wished for the knight in shining armour to save me, but then I too realized I was the only one who could save me. I wish you many more awakenings on your journey.

  • f.vandyck@hotmail.com'
    ferre
    June 20, 2015

    Dear Cindy,

    Wow, a powerful story. It resonates so much with my experience. For the first time i hear explanations for things i didn’t see yet in myself but which i can recognize now.
    It is encouraging to know that i am not alone in the fact that i never ever had a hug or cuddle from both of my parents.
    Thanks

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      Thanks, Ferre! Unfortunately, there are too many of us who were not loved as children. Although, I’m glad you were able to make some discoveries for yourself through my story.

  • shellshell428@centurylink.net'
    Shelly
    June 20, 2015

    Melanie and Cindy,
    Reading Cindy’s story brought back so many memories of my own childhood. I am the youngest of 2 children in my family born four years after my sweet wonderful brother JT. JT was the scapegoat – the target of my alcoholic narcissistic father. Over my entire childhood I watched as JT was the recipient of my father’s relentless verbal/emotional abuse. I witnessed the constant berating of anything my brother tried to do to desperately earn my fathers approval. My father was famous for using meal times as an opportunity – as Cindy’s mother did – to rant/rave and tirelessly belittle JT for any little thing he could think of. As a result of witnessing this treatment I spent most of my childhood hiding from my family spending my time with animals – because they could not hurt me.
    I have forgotten or blocked out most of my childhood according to my mom. While was not the scapegoat of my fathers rage I did endure harsh criticism and constant verbal abuse from my father, I was clumsy, a “spaze”, could never do anything to his standards. My self confidence, self worth and emotional health suffered tremendously because of his treatment. I suffered constant stomach upset, nausea, and terrible menstrual cramps. My father had no empathy for anyone…one time he drug my dog behind the car because he kept getting lose and roaming the neighborhood…then he treated the dogs wounds with turpentine! I was horrified and it traumatized me to no end.
    My emotional health deteriorated over the years until I was 17 years old and my mother had enough and finally left my dad…my brother was already out of the house in the Navy by then.

    My life has been a reflection of my low self esteem and low self-worth. Spending 22 years of my life with what I have now learned has strong NPD tendencies and an extreme control freak. I have been divorced for 6 years. In the last 6 years I have been and am currently in a long term relationship with a passive aggressive man that has just about destroyed me. I found your website and blog earlier this week and have had my eyes opened up to what I have been enduring and am planning my escape!
    I cannot express the relief that I have been feeling to finally know that it is not my imagination or my fault and these things are really happening to me…that is what I was told by my current partner. I have endured such cruel treatment at the hands of this man, he has isolated me from my children and family..I have no friends because his behavior is so unpredictable and I am afraid of what he would do or say in front of them. He has made me feel unwanted, worthless and like I would be better off dead.
    After reading your e books Narcissistic Abuse and learning about NPD I am positive he has the disorder. He is textbook!
    I feel myself beginning to awaken inside as I arm myself with knowledge and feel all the repressed feelings and memories coming to the surface. I have hope for me and the ability to get emotionally healthy..for the first time in my life.
    I am so thankful for your website and blog…I cannot tell you what a relief it is to know I am not alone and I can make my life better. I am looking forward to a future and the promise of a healthier me and the potential for healthy relationships down the road.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      Dear Shelly,
      You touched me with your sharing of your story. I resonated with all your emotions. By the way, there often is more than one scapegoat in a family if there are more than two children. They may not be abused in the same way, but they are abused nonetheless. I’m glad you’ve had an awakening, and I wish you the best in your healing.

  • j_heyns@yahoo.com'
    Wanderer
    June 20, 2015

    Dear Cindy,

    “The absence of dread when doing housework, yardwork, etc.”

    Can you please say more about this? I feel this so strongly and it is the one thing I don’t understand. Like you, I grew up on a dairy farm, N mom, scapegoat, etc. I am working with a counsellor, getting better, and understand so much more now. But this one I am having a hard time even understanding why it’s there.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      Sure, Wanderer. Those constant criticisms from my mother got lodged in my subconscious from daily repetition over my childhood years. This is psychological abuse akin to psychological torture in a POW situation. I think I felt dread doing my own housework, yardwork, etc. because my subconscious programming got triggered to play what I was conditioned to feel when I was a kid. My mother told me or implied that what I did was never good enough. I never got told that I did a good job. She would always point out something to criticize. And so I was very reluctant to do chores as an adult, because doing so would dredge up all those awful emotions.

      Nothing I tried got rid of those dysfunctional programs my subconscious was running except for Melanie’s program. After I shifted out these dysfunctional programs with Quanta Freedom Healing, I no longer felt the dread, and other other feelings of not doing a good enough job. I felt totally neutral. Now if I see that my bathroom needs to be cleaned, I just clean it. No procrastination, no dread, no feeling like it’s never good enough so why try anyway. I just do it, and there is absolutely no emotional charge. This is so huge, and so liberating for me.

      Does that answer your question?

      • j_heyns@yahoo.com'
        Wanderer
        June 20, 2015

        Thank you for sharing, Cindy. Yes, it makes sense. I won’t go into detail about my mom because at its core, it mirrors yours so much. My mom was a little worse (added physical abuse) and I believe my dad was a little better. I would often escape to the barn with my dad and do chores there instead.

        I have a wonderful counsellor who is helping me process and move forward on many fronts. It just really landed for me that I was not alone on the housework dread front. I suspected that it was partly because of the toxic environment she created in the house. The not-good-enough messaging is so deeply engrained, I couldn’t see it. But now that you raise the point, I can better identify it.

        It might sound to someone else like a strange thing to focus on but it’s really been challenging for me. I was having difficulty at work with anxiety/avoidance post my ex’s affair and other trauma from that, but have been able to hold a space for myself of compassion and encouragement and turned a corner. I had hoped home would follow although I could feel it was different in some way. I made some progress with establishing a sense of belonging (dissociation challenges me) but it was spotty. Now I see how much deeper it goes.

        At the heart of it, I don’t feel a need to have a perfect house…I have 2 boys and a dog so it likely won’t happen! But I’m trying to care more about me and my feelings, and this one is big. It’s every day and always here, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been reinforcing it as part of my own identity too. I long for the liberation you have.

        • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
          Cindy
          June 20, 2015

          I don’t think it’s a strange thing to focus on at all. It’s maddening to want to clean your house or mow the lawn or plant a garden when all you feel is dread when you attempt to. Everyday chores feel overwhelming. It affects your life every day. I felt frozen and could not function well. It was easier to stay on the computer and escape, than face the emotional pain of cleaning my house. This was a huge wall of resistance that I most wanted to get over in my recovery.

          The one thing my mother missed criticizing was my cooking. Actually, she constantly said, “Cindy, I like your cooking, but you really make a big mess.” I forgot she did compliment me at something, although it’s a backhanded one. Anyway, I never had any dread over cooking ever, which is probably why I did it for a job for five years. This is positive proof of what doesn’t get criticized every day escapes from the damaging psychological programming.

          • j_heyns@yahoo.com'
            Wanderer
            June 21, 2015

            “Everyday chores feel overwhelming. It affects your life every day. I felt frozen and could not function well. It was easier to stay on the computer and escape, than face the emotional pain of cleaning my house. This was a huge wall of resistance that I most wanted to get over in my recovery.”

            Tears of relief that I’m not alone. Thank you.

  • accounts@sensortemp.com.au'
    Annie
    June 20, 2015

    Dear Cindy,
    OMG I can remember back in the forum when you asked the question about narcissistic parents, because I was a sufferer also. Thank you so much taking the time to help others who suffer. Congratulations to you and anyone else who has recovered or recovering from family abuse. I too am working on assisting Mel’s work and am loving it.
    Take care
    Luv to you
    Annie

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 20, 2015

      Hi Annie! I’ve never forgotten you! Your posts in response to that topic helped me so much. I’m so glad I have this opportunity to thank you and tell you how grateful I am to have had your support. It’s my pleasure to share my story in the hopes it will help others.

      I’m also very happy to hear that your are thriving and doing good work.

      Cheers!

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    June 20, 2015

    Oh, how your story resonates with me, Cindy! I also was the scapegoat in my family, probably because like you, because I stood up to my N mom and my sisters didn’t. If I disappointed her she would ignore me for sometimes days at a time. Is it any wonder I grew up with such self-hate? If my own mom was disgusted with me, I must be evil and bad, so that is the image of myself I have struggled with all of my life. What a great set-up for a train-wreck of a relationship with a N boyfriend later in my life. I went through the NARP program and found great relief from C-PTSD, so maybe now it’s time to deal with the trauma from my mom. Thank you for sharing your story and for the inspiration to keep on the healing journey! God bless you!

    • j6vfmmv184@outlook.com'
      Ice
      November 8, 2016

      The abtliiy to think like that shows you’re an expert

    • dl8mqkuw@hotmail.com'
      http://www./
      February 9, 2017

      Thanks so much for your comments. Here’s a few energy word vibrations to change this…* What are you resisting or refusing to create separation?* What barriers, walls and limitations have you put up that you now can drop?* What energy can you be to totally receive others including their crazy points of views and judgments?With Love – Jeneth

  • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
    Cindy
    June 20, 2015

    You’re welcome, Patti. I’m so glad you’ve found healing for yourself as well. I used the Transforming Family of Origin Wounds course to pick up the details not covered in NARP, and found that worked really well. Or you could go through NARP again with your mother as the narcissist. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find deeper healing, deeper peace and deeper liberation. Blessings!

  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    June 21, 2015

    Wow Cindy – thank you so much for sharing your story!!!!!

    So inspiring…never give up :-)9

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 21, 2015

      You’re welcome, Jean. I just responded to you on the forum, and thanks for your remarks here too. We will never surrender!

  • sylvia7@talktalk.net'
    Sylvia
    June 21, 2015

    Hi Cindy, I really enjoyed listening to your story, and so glad you are healing from your dreadful experiences. My childhood was similar to yours, I too had an N-mom and an enabling father. As a child I was smothered and over-protected. I was not allowed to make friends with other children, or have a birthday party. I was quite spoiled materially, but it was as if tons of toys, sweets and pocket money were supposed to make up for my being kept a prisoner. My mother often gave me the silent treatment for days at a time. This made me feel so lonely and frightened, as if I didn’t really exist, and this – along with other things, instilled in me a belief that I shouldn’t be here, that my presence made others unhappy and angry. Decades of people-pleasing and approval seeking followed. I felt I had to earn the right to be here in a way others didn’t. Its as if I had been condemned to live by a different rule-book. I took total responsibility for the happiness and well-being of others. I believed I had no right to act in my own interests, or follow my own dreams. What you said about feeling overwhelmed really struck a cord with me. I was a workaholic and if anything interrupted my routines, like doctors or dental appointments, I would feel incredibly anxious. Also, like you, housework would put me on edge. I have learned to do little and often, rather than tackle too much at once, and be freaked out by it. I am well into recovery now. I do still have bad days when my ego desperately fights to keep me in an old and anxious place, but they are few and far between now. And I have been Narc-free for a year now, which is incredible, given that my life was INFESTED with Ns, and people who displayed other B-cluster Disorder behaviours. My top priority now is ME. Oh how things have changed….for the better! Love, Sylvia xxx

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 21, 2015

      Hi Sylvia,
      Your story gave me chills. The n abuse just causes damage no matter how it’s dished out; damage that we carry with us our whole lives. It is amazingly insidious. I was very heartened to hear you are in recovery and doing very well! I wish you many blessings on your continued healing journey. Love to you too!

    • Hody@comcast.net'
      Lisa
      January 9, 2016

      Hi Sylvia,
      Every word you wrote is exactly how I feel. I say these things all the time. I look around and see others with total acceptance without even trying, by others and family. Then I see myself who is almost invisible except when I am needed or used as a scapegoat. It is like I do not have any rights at all as a human being. I was stripped of these rights long ago and it just repeated in my personal life. It feels impossible to break out of the role. I finally went no contact with my abusive family but it feels too late as I am exhausted now with my job as teacher and mother of a 12 year old girl. Both roles where I give all my energy away. I give too much and take in too much. I am wearing down. It is so hard to keep going. So tired.

  • Nicola@pianosound.com.au'
    Nicola
    June 21, 2015

    Dear Cindy,
    You have inspired me so much to keep opening up to source. Thankyou for sharing your life. My counceller recently told me it’s not how we start out in life that determines how our life is later. The choice is up to us. You have very courageously lived this and have been so special as to how you stayed on your journey and not given up. I was emotional reading your story and so happy for you that you have joy in coming home to yourself. It is something I would like to feel someday to. Cindy you know that your name means light. You are a shining light for us fellow travellers. Thankyou dear Cindy for helping us.
    Love from Nicola x

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 22, 2015

      You’re welcome, Nicola, and thank you for your warm comments. I do know my name means light, and I treasure that. It reminds me of my light within me, as it is within us all, and to have no fear to shine it forth. I wish you every blessing on your healing journey. Love to you as well.

      • e0d0xnc3@outlook.com'
        italian sports car names
        May 21, 2017

        Anton….I am going through the same thing here in NH. I really dislike winter (won't say hate) and have also started running first thing in the morning instead of my usual noontime runs. It is so much more peaceful and the air is cleaner and crisper.Best of luck in the coming year,Steve

  • lxmorgan1@gmail.com'
    Alex
    June 22, 2015

    Thanks for sharing your story. For me this is a form of abuse that was so painful and very invisible. The pain I have experienced has been my secret cross to bear, much like your little fingers. My mother and my identical twin sister are both narcissists. For me my life has been just one big mind fuck that I am finally getting a handle on. It seemed where ever I turned for help no one could here me or understand me. The issue of abandonment followed me everywhere. For years I always projected my heart onto my mother and sister, not being able to comprehend how someone could be so cruel to another. I am 38 and spent much of those years chasing my sister and mother in my relationships with woman. The problem I am facing now is that my sister has found GOD, I have seen her heart change, but she still has narcissistic tendencies. I was trained to see my world as a reflection of my inner reality, so my inner reality is changing and so is my outer. I am afraid because I live with my sister in a rental house owed by my parents and have finally been allowed to leave (I allowed myself to be tricked into living here because I was going to be homeless…long story) I was warned by a psychic that if I moved in with my sister that she would take me down and she did until I almost had nothing, physically or emotionally, no more feelings, completely apathetic. So now I am confused because I have done a lot of healing and came back from a seminar and now my sister and mom are different…they are being more caring…it is almost more confusing then when they are the way they were. Can I trust this? Where do I go? Can I stay here, now…I don’t know how I can afford to truly move…I just knew I had to. Does anyone else have this experience? Where after many years of work your attachment to the people has changed, they appear to have changed, but part of you is in disbelief because maybe nothing happened to at all…please help…I am highly connected and take responsibility for myself, but sometimes I can misuse spirituality to hurt myself…does it sound like I am doing that here. My fear of my mis-perception is hurting me. Thanks so much!

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 23, 2015

      Hi Alex,
      If your mother and sister have NPD, no you cannot trust them. People with NPD cannot heal. People with just a bunch of narcissistic traits can. Maybe you might want to try Melanie’s program. You could try one of her free webinars first to see if you like it. Whatever you do, I pray you find clarity in your situation.
      Love and Light to you,
      Cindy

      • Lxmorgan1@gmail.com'
        Alex
        June 23, 2015

        Thank you Cindy. I will do that. My mom is NPD, My sister was until she found GOD. THANK YOU for you inspiration!

  • harvester072@gmail.com'
    Guy Harvey
    June 22, 2015

    Hi Ladies,

    I’m actually sitting here pausing what to say which is kind of unusual for me. I’m trying to compact everything I need to say in a smaller compartment so I could let everything out because there is so much information in my head that it could explode. First thing is “thank you” for answering my call, I got everything & so much more than I could have ever imaginged. I feel that I have gone from Mum holding my hand to Nan embracing me. Amazing show Ladies & I didn’t have a glass of wine before or during your show show out of respect for you Cindy. I welcome you into my life as it’s clear in Melanie’s voice how much love she has for you.

    I had a very amazing break-through yesterday. I watched ’A Beautiful Mind’ with Aussie actor Russell Crowe playing the role of John Nash who is a Professor (I haven’t got to know him that well yet so not sure Pro. of what he is) had one of his findings published called Game Theory. During the movie I was picking up on the vibe & it made me realise what I have been doing too but John Nash never found love because he was chasing numbers to find love which is impossible because love starts at yourself & love is what I have been keeping compartmentalised. I knew that I had special talents but thought I was a freak but seeing John Nash in the movie has made me realise that it’s very important to never lose love, ever.

    Lucky for me I chose to keep love when I was a baby. I don’t know anything about John Nash apart from the film being about him but I suspect John Nash was N abused at some point in his life possibly as a baby as well but he chose a different path than me to find love. It’s funny how baby memories can jump out at you. The prize that I have received for doing my good deed for the universe for making love important to myself was getting a map to my heart, thank-you God in keeping my love safe from harm. I realised yesterday that I also invented the same method of Game Play as a baby but I used love instead of numbers to find what I was looking for. I guess I’m the smarter one because I chose to keep love as the most important thing in my life. Probably because at the time I started my quest for love was at 2 or 3 so all a baby wants is love, so does that make me a big baby 😉

    I’m stopping this now because too much info. is coming at me & I’m starting to shake & there’s things I need to do to fix it so, I loved the show Mum & Nan & I’m making it my first reference point for now on until I’m ready to move on.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Lots of love
    Harvester

    • harvester072@gmail.com'
      Guy Harvey
      June 22, 2015

      I just worked it out that John Nash chose to use numbers to find love & I used nature to find love. Where else in the world is reality but in nature, right, so that’s where I compartmentalised my love, in nature & I chose to use nature because it’s purity that will not change over time. You can’t teach a bird to fly or a fish to swim but I will teach this man to walk again.

      • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
        Cindy
        June 23, 2015

        I wish you many blessings in your recovery, Guy. Peace, Love and Joy to you.
        Cindy

  • bridget.abroad@gmail.com'
    Bridget
    June 23, 2015

    Dear Cindy and Melanie,
    I too was the victim of Narc mother and sister. My Narc mother divorced my Narc father and he is now married to an enabler. He has got better over the years but I maintain limited contact. It has only been this year with the advent of a Narc in the workplace who is doing everything she can to undermine me that I have realised the extent of the abuse and the continued legacy I carry around of not feeling my value and worth. I am interested in joining Melanie’s Narp programme and have signed up for the seminar and will take it from there. I am very tired at the moment and really want to break free from this abuse and lead my own life with a true, secure sense of my own worth and joy. The site helps so much.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 23, 2015

      I wish you many blessings on your healing journey, Bridget. It sounds like you are more than ready to be done with the narcs in your life, and get on your own life. 🙂

  • jon30062000@yahoo.com'
    jimbo
    June 27, 2015

    i sure understand and can relate, when i was a kid about the same as you, but i married a woman that was an expert at looking good and turning my kids against me, i turned into a drunk (still am)and that just helped me accept the blame, it was easier to accept the blame then think my parents and wife really didn’t care. i am 75 now , and have never been happy, and always felt everything wrong in the world was my doing. but in process now of severing ties with the family. i am feeling guilty about it, and i know i have to quit drinking now, that has always been a problem, but it was the only place i could hide where i didn’t feel bad about myself and felt normal. i quit once for 20 years, but went back because i didn’t want to accept the truth of what my real problem was, i knew it my wife but couldn’t accept fact she was who she was, i wanted to beleive she cared, she is a stealth narc. fits the description perfectly.

    • cynthia.daavettila@gmail.com'
      Cindy
      June 27, 2015

      I pray you find peace and healing, Jimbo. You have to face pain to get to healing, but it’s closer than you might think. It’s never too late. I would go through all of this, just to know true peace and love for one day before I died. It is so worth it.

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