Why is narcissistic behaviour so up and down?
How can a narcissist appear to be so considerate and caring one moment, and incredibly childish, abusive and unreasonable the next?
Is this the same person? Why does a narcissist spin on a dime?
In today’s Thriver TV episode I explain to you the many faces of a narcissist and what it really means.
If you have felt bamboozled and distraught as a result of the dire mood and behaviour swings of the narcissist, then this episode is a must watch one for you.
Video Transcript
Narcissists can be so incredibly confusing.
People have called them Jekyll and Hydes.
People have referred to them as Street Angel/Home Devils.
It is likely that you have experienced times where the narcissist is a pure delight, and then without warning switch and be your most terrible nightmare.
There is even more complexity to the many faces of the narcissist, which I am going to be talking to you about in today’s TTV episode.
However, before I do, I’d like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and supporting the Thriver mission. Please know how deeply grateful I am for your belief in my work.
If you haven’t yet subscribed, I’d love to invite you to please do so, and also remember to give this episode a thumbs up if it resonates with you.
Grandiosity Versus Insecurity
Narcissists appear to be powerful, confident and capable.
Yet, it’s very important to understand that people who are solid and healthy on the inside and do believe in their own self and capacity, don’t need to grandstand or publicise themselves.
Narcissists self-promote, a lot. A narcissist commonly will interject into conversations with what he or she has or hasn’t done, and thinks or believes, as if he or she is the authority on all topics.
If a narcissist can’t assert their authority, or bring the attention back to themselves, he or she will usually change the subject, exit the scene or create some form of diversion or drama.
People with healthy self-esteem who don’t suffer the dire insecurities that narcissists do, are comfortable to allow others to shine or know more than themselves, and can ask questions and be genuinely interested.
Narcissists, however, need to have centre stage complete with people seemingly being mesmerised by the narcissist’s accomplishments, brilliance and talents.
He or she will be deflated, sullen and moody if this is not the case, or even downright nasty, such as discrediting anybody who stole the attention that he or she so desperately needs in order to try to feel “normal”.
Care and Consideration Versus Cruelty and Condemnation
A narcissist can be so “lovely”. He or she can appear to be helpful, generous and totally concerned for your well-being.
But there is a more sordid truth to this.
This behaviour is not consistent. In fact, you will start to understand that this person can suddenly become accusatory, paranoid, childishly nasty, and even maliciously cruel.
What is so disturbing is that this ugly shift can emerge very quickly, and without any real provocation.
This is for a variety of reasons. The narcissist is often “giving” for an agenda to get something. Then, when the narcissist doesn’t get the payoff because of the conditional acts of “care” that were extended to you, the narcissist is likely to unravel into a narcissistic rage.
Or, the narcissist is suffering another bout of his or her inner demons arising and starts blaming you for this self-annihilating emotional state.
Because the narcissist is so disconnected from consciousness, which requires taking personal responsibility for his or her emotional traumas, naturally this will always be somebody else’s fault.
If you are being abused by a narcissist, then you are one of, if not the narcissist’s favourite target.
Sincerity Versus Pathological Lying
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to look you straight in the eyes and appear to be 100% empathetic and sincere. He or she additionally can mirror back to you the body language and postures that make you feel deeply understood.
Yet, you are stunned to discover that the words held no weight whatsoever.
The horrific truth is that the narcissist can say anything and everything that is required in the moment to fulfil an agenda.
This can happen when love bombing you at the start of a relationship in order to secure you as narcissistic supply, or grooming you after you are hooked as supply so that you hand over your energy, sexuality, money or resources. Or, it is used when hoovering you back into the relationship when you are threatening to leave.
So many have discovered that despite the claims of monogamy, loyalty and undying love that he or she can turn and commit obscene betrayals that make your head spin.
Literally tearing your life to pieces.
It’s so important to understand that words mean nothing. It’s the actions and real-life applications that define an individual, regardless of how apparently sincere they are.
I really want you to understand this, and even make note of it.
If you’re ready to take your power back on this point, I want you to pause this video and write below, “I understand that it’s a person’s actions and not their words that define their character!”
Altruism Versus Seeking Supply
There are many narcissists who are community minded, granting apparent service, time and altruism to others.
This can be extremely confusing when ascertaining somebody’s character and thinking, “He or she is so spiritual/kind to animals/caring for the elderly/community minded/donating time and effort so tirelessly to others …” And the list goes on and on.
This is often the narcissist who is the “Street Angel/Home devil”.
The public persona of this person is amazing and he/she represents themselves as a pillar of society. Yet, when this person is at home, they rip to shreds their nearest and dearest when no one else is around to see it.
And what is so devastating for the people connected to the altruistic narcissist, is that he or she will do very little to contribute or care for them. There is minimal supply to be gained from close intimates who are not going to bow and scrape and tell the narcissist how wonderful they are every minute of every day.
This person appears to be such a lovely person to those who do not have to share a full-time life with them, because there is a great deal of narcissistic supply (attention and acclaim) to receive as a result of going over and above the call of duty with non-intimates.
Yet, often the cracks appear. When others don’t appease the narcissist’s fragile ego with enough recognition, or do something that the narcissist deems as not adequate to appease their ego, then the narcissist is just as likely to smear this person, discredit them or wipe them completely out of their life without notice.
This is the reason why so many narcissists have transient relationships that just don’t last, and frequently new people can be idolised and become the next best friend, colleague or associate.
Brokenness Versus Impenetrable Defences
There may be times when you have met the inner broken child of a narcissist. This is when he or she appears vulnerable and even remorseful and self-aware of his or her inner demons.
Your heart goes out to this person and you may feel protective, and that you really do love him or her and will do anything to help them survive themselves, heal and evolve into somebody functional, decent and happy.
Yet, it can be extremely difficult to gauge whether these bouts are real or not. Moody narcissists are incredibly capable of feigning such episodes to pull you back in through your heartstrings, to get you to lower your boundaries and rights again.
If this is genuine, it’s likely to be when the narcissist has suffered a massive narcissistic injury and the ego is unable to uphold itself, momentarily exposing the terrified, broken child inside that the narcissist really is.
The big problem is, as soon as the narcissist gets enough narcissistic supply from outside of him or herself to prop the ego back up again, then the formidable, impenetrable defences are back in business.
A narcissist will “bite their nose off despite their face”. A narcissist would rather be right than happy. A narcissist would rather maintain their False Self, which means taking zero personal responsibility and being completely absorbed with their own veneer, than anything or anybody else in their life.
Of course, this is disastrous for relationships and for any true trust, communion or connections to be possible.
How Can You Escape the Madness?
Okay, so I hope that this episode has helped to explain to you some of the many complex dichotomies of a narcissist.
These different narcissistic faces are black-and-white. The narcissist is an “all or nothing” character who swings from one extreme to the other.
And these opposing behaviours are virtually consistent with all narcissists, regardless of who the narcissist is in your life.
Identically, your relief and true recovery process from narcissistic and toxic people, is the same, regardless of who the narcissist is in your life.
I would love to connect you with my powerful recovery resources which will ensure that you get the right information, clarity and true healing solutions that you need. You can access these by clicking this link.
If the video resonated with you, I would love for you to leave a comment below. And as always, I love answering any questions that you write into me.
“I understand that it’s a person’s actions and not their words that define their character!”
This post is brilliant Mel — fit’s my experience to a T! Thank you.
Hi Tim,
it’s my pleasure I’m so pleased you enjoyed it.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you for all of your research and enlightenment. Your work and the sharing of it has helped me to learn to deal with a narcissistic mother and my husband’s narcissistic ex-wife whose child I am raising. In the absence of true co-parenting, your advice has helped make it possible and bearable to navigate the chaotic waters to create stability. Thank you with my whole heart.
Hi Holley,
It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased that I could help.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have seen the broken scared inner child of a narcissist and it made me fall in love and I got sucked in to their lies and dece ption It’s real.
Really liked this video. So accurate about narcissist. I was confused about his behavior for so many many years. And of course always blamed myself. No longer.
But as Mel has taught, thriving takes more than knowledge. It requires inside work. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Nonetheless it sure feels good to know that I am not insane & never was.
Thank you Mel & community.
Jeanne (SummerAir)
Hi Jeanne,
You are very welcome.
You are so right about everything you wrote.
Continued love, healing and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
This is a real eye opener, I feel when I have dealt with the narcassist my moods go all crazy and I feel confused, I think maybe sometimes I have narcassistic traits passed down from my father.
Hi Luisa,
I hope that this further resource of mine may be able to give you some clarity and peace https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Sadly this blog is true of my experience. The public versus private persona is really quite dramatic!
All true. It helps to read it written it so well.
So pleased this helped Sue.
Bless you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I Understand that It is a persons actions not their words that define their character.
I keep Proving myself to be an idiot by going back to the narcissist and thinking that I can change them, time and time again. In m case, it is a parent, who I love, and they are getting older, now, and more childlike at times. Good Heavens, I need something!
Hi Robert,
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I know it could give you the boost and clarity that you need.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I am still at that juncture where I have realized that my harrowed life with my husband is because he is a Narcissistic Passive Aggressive Emotional Abuser – Devil/Angel. Our only child (a son born on my sole decision) is in care of his maternal grandparents. I lost another child in womb (due to lack of perinatal care) because I was expecting empathy from the stone but got cold behavior and cruelty. Still, I am trying to delve whether this person can change for better. I am really a loser because I cannot leave him. So many times we have separated and got back together. Still…
Paro, so sorry for your loss xo
I understand the pain, & send you a huge HUG!!
I have been here an hour -typing & deleting my reply to you.. I find myself going into ‘my story’ way too much, which I’ve learnt is not very good for my healing, & I also don’t want you to be upset by the yukky details.. but I would really like to show you that you certainly aren’t alone & you have much support out here..
My youngest 2 children both had medical issues, (that I believe were a direct result of narcissistic abuse & my exhaustion from it all).. I separated from their father whilst I was pregnant with our 2nd as a result, & then bub came 4mths prematurely, extremely critical & it is a miracle that he has survived the ordeal.
Throughout the last 5yrs their father has not assisted the children or myself with the medical obligations at all, whilst I was rushed interstate with our youngest, he assured me daily that he was completing all procedures required for our daughter (temporarily in his care), & even abused me regularly for checking up on him constantly, but I later discovered none had been done & our daughters condition had ‘relapsed’ & all the correction her & I had previously achieved had been undone, (due to the absence of her brace whilst she was in his care for 3 months..) which then required both her legs to be fully plastered crotch to tiptoe which was an emergency measure previously not required.
I’m astounded that a parent can be so careless towards the needs of their own children, & even lie about doing it & accuse others of the same.. absolutely stunned at how a person can appear so genuine & loving one minute, & then become a nasty tyrant & be so so cold hearted the next.
I truely thought this was the man of my dreams & my soul mate, & I have blamed myself for it all & being so blind, over trusting & gullible.
I’m so glad you have discovered Melanie, & I really hope that if you aren’t already a Narp member, that you have a look at her free 16day corse available & give it a try.
I won’t lie, it’s hard.. & some of the realisations that come are extremely hard to swallow.. I think it took me a month to complete the corse the first time, & then I repeated it again before becoming a member.. I have discovered that all the research & learning helps, but nothing has healed me & given me absolute relief from the traumatised feelings like Mel’s Quantum Freedom Healing has. It’s a tool I’ll use now for the rest of my life.
Wendy xo
I understand that’s it’s a persons actions and not words that define their character!
Thanks Mel, another great post 👌🏼
Ps – Pink’s my favourite colour, & just seeing you made me smile today, you are so beautiful 😍
Wendy Xo
Hi Wendy,
Thank you for your beautiful words.
So much love to you lovely lady
Mel 🙏💕💛
Please reconsider calling yourself a loser. You are a person who has been victimized. One of the aims of the narcissist is to erode the self-confidence of the person he is with. Forgive yourself for going back to him but move on and work on yourself. Others write about trauma bonding and chemical addictions in the brain from being with a narcissist. Consider the loving approach of forgiving yourself so you can leave and stay away. Reclaim your boundaries and your strengths and get yourself back together and you will be able to stay away. Learn all that you can about narcissists from Mel, Quora and the Surviving Narcissism network on YouTube and that will help you feel stronger.
I am now two years into no contact with my mother and am still feeling tremendous hurt and sadness but Melanie has helped me stay strong. I still get feelings of despair but reading Mel’s blogs really helps and gives me the strength to persevere. I still cannot understand why narcs never give up and accept that maybe once in a while they are wrong and should not expect the victim to give in and go back for more!
100% on.
Is there really a chance that they can change. How do I know if their words and actions are sincere?! I’ve heard and saw the actions that seemed sincere before. How do I know that ” this time” they REALLY mean it ?
I’m well into the middle/ end of the 5 stages. It took 4 years…
Honestly, financially I’m not secure. I have clawed my way alone thus far. Trusting GOD to show me the way.
I believe He has put you and countless others in my path for support. Thank you all . Much love to my unknown friends out there. The struggle is real. ❤
Hi Kelli,
That can be such an agonising question!
This resource of mine may help you https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-would-it-take-for-a-narcissist-to-heal/
Sending strength, clarity and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Oh Melanie,!
I was just thinking earlier HOW MUCH I needed to receive something from/or hear from you today! Thank you SO much, what perfect timing….beautiful thriving one! Happy New Year, Happy Valentines’ Day, & Lots of Love to you from Texas! Thanks again! Great Recording!!! Aneas
Hi Aneas,
How beautiful that we connected in this way!
Sending you so much love and best wishes as well, and thank you for yours
Biggest Mwah
Mel 🙏💕💛
This is so true! My narcissist would be a totally different person and liar in front of others. I noticed how easily he would get away with it, just blatant denial, and it would drive me nuts.
I just started mirroring it right back to him! He lasted about 3 days compared to my 10 years. I was the fool…he taught me so much about myself!
I understand Thant’s it’s a persons action and not words that define their character
Another cracker Melanie! This is the biggest problem only those very close get to see their abusive behavior. They lie so well. And because they are using someone for something they can be nice to them for years. They can turn on you about nothing. Or spotting there is something not right about them. It’s crazy. Xx
Hi Justine,
I’m so pleased that this resonated with you.
This stuff is so crazy.
Thank goodness that there is a sane life after all of this!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Wow. So difficult to listen to these videos at times. I had not ideas what the word narcissist meant until 18 months ago. Then everything slotted into place. I watch each video you post and I learn something new about myself and about my ex. The “inner child” hooked me back in on more than one accession. I often referred to him as Jackal and Hyde. It was the only way I could describe the behaviour without having the word narcissist to refer to. Thanks 🙏. As always for sharing this content. Enlightening as always.
Hi Alison,
you are so right these are very hard truths, yet the truth does set us free.
I hope that this content has really helped.
Lots of love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi
Just came across your work and on day three
You know I thought my problem was a I was anxious and b my husband is from another culture ie Egyptian
I have tried to leave him 4 maybe 5 times because of controlling behaviour I have lost friends and family
I married him after the death of my husband who I had been together with for 30 yrs
I think it has been my fault and you know I see the signs clearly now
The hardest thing is he is younger than me but initially appeared mature now I understand the feelings I have in that I see his vulnerability but it’s covered so well
He was a special forces guy
I will complete the course and as soon as a flight is available try again to rebuild what seems like everything
But I had to write this to say seeing your words in understandable format is keeping me focused
The only problem is I feel I am being dishonest
So true to what I have experienced
Awwww, poor Tiggy. Hugs and belly rubs to Tiggy! 🙂
Hi BDJ,
Thank you for the Tiggy love!
Him and I greatly appreciated it.
Much love to you and yours
Mel 🙏💕💛
My ex to a T! I have never known such cruelty & nastiness could exist in one body. He even had me on lithium for HIS mood swings. And yes he could look me confidently in the eyes whilst telling a whopper of a lie.
Three years after no contact & I’m still suffering mentally, physically and financially.
I wish with all my heart that youngsters could be taught at school and be made aware of these very dangerous monsters. It would save lives & many, many hearts.
Thank you Melanie, you are amazing. So glad Tiggy is well – I didn’t know cats could get cataracts 😉 just like I never knew narcissists existed until I experienced the nightmare of loving one.
Hi Kate,
hun I would really love to encourage you to check out my inner transformational healing processes, in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because they speed up healing so much, and can provide real relief very quickly.
You are very welcome Kate and thank you for your lovely words. I had no idea they could get cataracts as well Kate, I knew they could get glaucoma, but it was a shock when he had a cataract as well!
Sending you love, healing and breakthrough.
It’s your time.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Three years out and no contact and still befuddled by the passive aggressive and lying history that emerges more and more. as I have distance. I see clearer but there is still fog and confusion and it takes work to not think I was the narcissist
I understand that it is a person’s actions and not their words that define their character.
You have really helped me get through the terrible process of dealing with my narcissistic ex husband. Unfortunately I still need to have some contact as we have children but your posts give great insight and have been eye opening and supportive to me. Thank you for your devotion to this topic. I am very grateful.
Hi Vanessa,
I am so pleased that this has helped you, and I just want to check in to see if you have accessed my resources on parallel-parenting and co-parenting.
I hope that they can help you too
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Mel,
This is so timely for me. I’m sat at work wondering how to leave my husband. To everyone one else he is the most wonderful and charming person (and teacher) but at home I’ve endured 5 years of a constant emotional rollercoaster. I’m a strong person and thought I could change him with love. After the latest episode of 7 days of being ignored (for stating that I need an apology for his mean behaviour) I have woken up to the fact that nothing will ever change and that I need to leave and heal. Thank you so much for your insight and positive words. I’m so glad that I’m not alone.
Hi Louise,
I’m so pleased that you are gaining clarity and strength.
Please note that we are all here for you, you don’t have to do this alone.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
So true , it is actions not words that define a person. I was with a N for 19 years and just didnt have the strenght to leave. I also looked up to him and lost myself. I didnt think I was worth more than I got. I continously felt like I was in a washing machine spin. He moved on after lovebombing, devaluing and discarding me but I had done all of that to myself too. I got hoovered back so many times. I found Melanie years later when he was gone. You know so much about these relationships Im so pleased to have found you. It really helps to be able to explain whats going on. It is soo good to not be in that washing machine ! Big Hugs.
Hi Mary,
I’m so pleased that my resources are been able to help you.
This is great that you are gaining clarity and strength.
Much love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Mel – well I’m extricating myself now from another Narcissistic variation but this time I’ve really got the message! It took a poor decision to join forces with him in buying a house together (that I’d previously resisted) then almost immediately cancer with complications and subsequent full blown kind and cruel treatment from him to make me finally kiss my inner little relationship girl goodbye and step out. The financial costs are very high but my g… it’s worth it! Thank you and NARP again for saving my life. You are such a blessed treasure. Jen xox
Hi Jen,
I love your spirit and the fact that you are taking the lessons forward.
There is so much grace, power and breakthroughs to be received by doing so!
Thank you for your beautiful words, and please know that you are blessing and inspiration for others as well.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I understand ,I know all to well I’m living with one and its tearing my life apart.
Hi Denise,
my heart goes out to you.
Please connect to my free resources which I know can help grant you clarity and relief http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope that this can help
Sending love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💛
My sister has covertly questioned my character and behavior while receiving an earworm from being in my wasband’s (the narc who is the street angel/home devil) corner. It’s spiritual warfare and I pray sister doesn’t stay victim to it for long . . . I hope she can soon say along with me about my wasband: “I understand that it’s a person’s actions and not their words that define their character!” I doubt she can understand it yet, since she experiences the street angel, whose actions are full of generosity and “care.” Having left the home devil for good, I am free of direct narc abuse forever, though indirectly he affects my relationships with my family of origin through my sister, whom he’s made a new target.
Hi Theresa,
Please note that myself and so many others found that when we let go and just kept healing ourselves, that the key people in our life usually just eventually “got it”.
Yet, if we tried to get them to see the truth, then it usually amounted to them disbelieving us even more.
Sending healing and breakthrough to both you and your sister
Mel 🙏💕💛
I will never tolerate a level of love less than the level of love I have for myself.
as a Christian i would love to be able to bubble wrap the whole world,so no one has to go through any pain and suffering,but that’s just not possible,i read a really interesting book many years ago by a Narcissist who had come to his senses long enough to expose what is really going on inside them and write a book about it ,and i found the introduction quite Sad, as it said something like “if you get caught up in my cobweb,i will make your life a living Hell, the only difference is, you can escape out of it ,but i can’t ” i share this not revengefully against the Narcissist, but as an Encouragement, to those of us who think that the Narcissist just rides off into the Sunset with their new found love, and lives happily ever after, the truth is ,that if you could get into a Narcissist’s mind for just 10 min, you would find the most tortured of Souls as they live in their own self made prison and unable to escape, it’s just So sad that they leave such a trail of destruction behind them, but it helps me to be able to move on ,knowing that i genuinely did everything i could to love this person unconditionally as i know everyone on this forum has done also, but knowing that the person i thought loved me, was only a fabricated personality anyway and not real, helps me to not only Heal but to thrive also as i look forward to a bright future, hope this helps someone, Blessings Col.
Hi Col,
Thank you for your share, and I totally believe what you’re writing is the absolute truth.
It is hugely sad, but the upside is that it really does allow us to heal and up-level the parts of us which were handing power away and not truly self-partnered and self-honouring.
After rising up into that personal evolution, life is better than ever… truly.
That’s what we are very orientated here as Thrivers, thriving to help people reach.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, your video topics seem to arrive at just the right moments. In my experience, being married for 30 years to a person with covert altruistic narcissistic tendencies, where there was all these justifications, “you had a chaotic, unstable childhood and grew up with a single parent; I’m here to show you what’s normal and stable and the truth about how to live normally”. I was seeking composure, stability, peace and non-reactivity. I was lured into a trap with someone who was not emotionally reactive at first and who had ambitions that I was attracted to. I hopped on the train but gradually over time I was told – my way or the highway to do it the “right” way and felt alienation from my family of origin – “you married me, so it’s me or it’s them”. Then all the chronic put-downs and sulky moods and alternating argument provoking conversations followed by aloof silent treatments which have also been extended to my children. The usual sense of confusion drained so much energy until I started to lose myself. It was my child’s reactions that finally woke me up to the “ab”normality of the relationship dynamics and I now identify as a co-dependent with many childhood traumas surfacing, and I have been using your NARP program and resources to help. It’s taken time – a few years now – to realize there is not one kind of normal. My quest is to find “my normal” which means I have to learn to trust myself and look within and not rely solely on finding it from the outside. Thank you Melanie!
Hi Lis,
I’m so pleased that my videos are timely for you!
It’s so great that you are looking within and working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to bring you home to self partnering and healing you.
You will not just find your normal Dear Lady, you will find your extraordinary!
Sending you love, healing and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💛
Live with the behavior for 30+years from husband but finally left and now I am dealing with behavior from my teenage son not sure if it is because he is a teenager or he is becoming a narc Pray everyday asking God for how to handle this
Hi Bls,
My heart goes out to you, and I hear you can be so disturbing and confusing when a teenager starts behaving like this. Maybe he is really unsettled and this is part of the teenage stage, which is far from pleasant.
Bls I would love you to check out my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out more about how to be able to navigate and heal.
Sending love to you and yours
Mel 🙏💕💛
The last time I saw my narcissistic ex was a month ago and he totally broke me down. Yet I still kept in contact with him!
From watching Mel’s vids and reading her emails I’ve learnt what was actually going on and why. It also gave me the courage to go no contact and completely block all forms of contact with him.
I learnt that I had, in fact had a very lucky escape – He was ‘supposedly’ a Financial Lawyer and was actually trying to get me to invest the money from the sale of my house in HIM to put it into ‘stocks and shares’ and also to run a business ‘for me’. He wanted me to pay for an expensive holiday for us and to move into my new house. I had no idea this was all part of a narcissistic behavioural pattern and I’m so glad I pulled the plug when I did because I could’ve lost everything.
I quickly got myself a supportive therapist and realised my mother is a covert narcissist and this is were my deep seated lack of self worth comes from. This is one reason why I put up with so much bad behaviour from my ex.
Thank you so much Melanie for so much enlightenment and inspiration. I know now that I’ve done the right thing and deserve a lot better than him. I dread to think where I’d be if I hadn’t found you!
Hi Kerry,
that is so great that you’ve been able to stay no contact and blocked him.
Well done!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Your videos have helped me heal and understand so many aspects of my 32 year marriage that ended last year. My ex has now found the perfect source for his narcissistic supply, a 24 year old Down syndrome man ( the son of a family friend).. they do everything together, and the young man adores him (as a puppy adores his owner) and will never criticize anything my ex does.
How sad… and so sick at the same time.
“I understand that it’s a person’s actions and not their words that define their character!”….This fit’s my husband….every thing you have spoken to a T. And I do mean everything. I am still with my husband of 8 years, and we have been together for over 11 now. I realized only last year that he was a Narcissist. I knew something wasn’t right with him with the verbal crazy making abuse I would receive. I knew when it was coming and could expect it and there it came. I have had, including my Mother, been surrounded by Narcissists and never could put a label on their behavior until I found you Melanie . You most generously let me join NARP and it has helped me release so much. I can, for the first time, feel the negative energy leaving my body and I have felt so good afterwards only to have something else creep in and I have to do another session. I have done many. I have talked to my husband of how I feel and who he is and he denies every bit and now labels me as the Narcisist. He know’s I’m not happy and I have been hinting and stateing that maybe we need to be going our seperate way’s, but he just pretends after he does the crazy making to me again, that everything is OK. He is clinging to me for dear life trying everything to keep me with him. I am in a financial mess again and are taking steps for myself to earn extra money since I am on Social Security now. He is threatening me now about bankruptsy which we have already done once since we’ve been together. That could destroy my career. I feel often very alone and I know you folks are there but I am working so hard to build my career (Independed Insurance Agent) that I haven’t taken the time to really get involved with the forum. I have to work the program when he’s not here because he’s forever checking in on me wanting to know what’s going on (really wierd). Thank you so much for helping me open my heart and eye’s Melanie. I am getting stronger but have a long way to go, and I know it. I have some good years left in my life here on this Mother Earth and I want to spend the rest of them in peace and harmony within myself and those I surround myself with. Much Love …Sue…Grandmother Thunderbird
Hi Sue,
your courage is spectacular.
I am so thrilled that you are working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and releasing the trauma from your body so that you can organically become more of your true self power.
And I really want you to know Sue that there have been beautiful members of this community who have made incredible breakthroughs into their new lives even in their 80s.
It’s never too late. And please know that we are all here for you.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you again dear Melanie. I’m glad I’m not alone, and ironically I say that in the best intentioned way. I thought I was mad, going mad and just plain bad, thanks to a narcissistic mother and a 16 year relationship with a narcissistic man who I am unfortunately, co-dependent upon. I have the NARP, but do not work it. Watching your video today made me realise that the only way for me to recover is to do daily NARP meditations. Simple as that. Truth is that I’m scared, because I’ve never been on my own, and all I’ve known is basically the crazy cycle of abuse from narcissists (aforementioned mother and lover), and how to try to placate them. I pray that I can recover. It was literally a God-send to find you.
Hi Katrina,
You are very welcome.
I am so happy that you are going to commit to healing with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It truly is the spectacular difference between long ardorous struggle and powerful breakthrough recovery
Please also know Katrina that you dont have to battle with this alone. If you are a Gold NARP member then we can help support you in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Wow, “I understand that it’s a person’s actions and not their words that define their character!” My parents are both narcissists. I suffered decades of covert abuse knowing that something was seriously wrong, but doubting myself because of all the love bombing that came from them. Now, I know that their declarations of love meant nothing. I feel heartbroken sometimes when I realize that their “I love you” was a lie each and every time they said it and that they were not capable of loving me as an individual person and not as an extension of themselves that they used to get what they wanted.
I am a bit triggered here. One person kept saying mean, cruel, hateful, vindictive and vengeful things. Then he said that it was ok because only his actions were important. Saying words is an action. It didn’t make it ok (with me) for him to say horrible things over and over and over again for hours and hours and days and weeks because his actions are that he buys me shoes and pays the mortgage. Saying words is an action.
Directing mean, hurtful, and cruel words at you is abuse, so yes, you are right. He is engaging in emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. Easier said than done, but if you can manage it, no contact is best for your safety and well-being.
Hi Kelly and Angie,
I agree with Kay that it is the psychological effect of those actions (verbal or physical) that is the danger.
If the words DO NOT MATCH the actions, on a cellular deep level, we are confused about how to be and how to respond… Eventually to everything. It’s called Cognitive Dissonance.
A person repeatedly says ” I hate coffee” when you’re enjoying your drink, and then -at the same time -drives to a cheap drive-through to specifically order a cup of coffee, it leaves us with no way to file that action comfortably in our psyche. It makes no sense and it never will.
This type of disconnect impacts us more deeply than we’d think especially at it happens over and over and over in every area of the relationship.
So it is the DISCONNECT that hurts. Not the words, not the actions so much. We can deal with other people’s opinions being different from ours. We can deal with actions -even cruel ones – that are consistent because the consistency doesn’t confuse us to the degree that we don’t know how to respond.
Trying to take defensive action when the attack is undefined is why Narcissistic abuse is so devastating. It keeps us trying to make sense of a lie.
Look for words that do not match actions.
Then DO NOT give them the benefit of the doubt.
Walk away if they don’t make sense . It’s not your job to help them figure themselves out or change yourself to keep the peace.
Cut your losses. You’ll recover more than you think you’re losing.
It’s a joy to work on remembering what YOU love and WHO YOU ARE instead.
I would not have figured out my soon-to-be-ex-husband was a narcissist if he hadn’t had a stroke last year (or it would’ve taken even longer to figure out). That’s when my eyes were opened and I figured out what was going on. He’s disabled now, expecting me to support him, when I was trying to support him in his business interests for most of our marriage. He’s eligible to collect social security retirement, and apply for VA benefits, but won’t do it. He’s still living in the house cuz he has no money (cuz he won’t collect social security). It’s all going to be part of the settlement. But watching a narcissist lose his power because of no contact has been rewarding and empowering. He doesn’t know what to do because he can no longer control me or my 15-year old daughter. And the handwriting is on the wall. I have learned a lot from these posts. Thank you!
You speak so well and exact about narcissistic behaviour. It is exactly what I went through. You are a wonderful spokesperson, shining a light on this type of destructive and soul destroying behaviour. Thank you Melanie, you have helped me a great deal. especially on how to be much more aware and cautious of whom I bring into my life in the future.
Hi Anne,
thank you for your lovely post and please know how welcome you are.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
My narcissist is so sadistic that his words AND actions don’t define his true character. Perhaps whatever character her has adopted as being true to self based on how it benefits him at the moment.
The work you are doing is giving us empaths insight into a species that I didn’t know existed, confirmation of our deep suspicions, courage to face the monster that has put a wrecking ball to all we believed about relationships and shredded our souls. We are armed with knowledge, quiet compassion, non negotiable boundaries and a concealed carry permit just in case their need for supply from us blinds them to the fact that empaths are not afraid to help them clear up that confusion if necessary.
This video really caught my eye and finally found the time to watch it today. What struck me is the fact that narcissist`s will never go away. When we finally escape from a horrific experience, there are more out there trolling for supply. That leads to another reason why Melanie`s Thriver course and doing NARP is so vital for long term survival.
“Nice people”, like us here on the blog, who, basically, have it together are prime targets for narc`s. Once we know who we truly are, with the help of NARP, we can be ready for the next narc attack that is waiting in line. Our souls, spirit and life source will be protected and the narc will be sent scurrying in the opposite direction.
Hi Ocean Breeze,
it’s totally true that when we heal ourselves up into authenticity and power, we do become inoculated against narcissists.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
This episode about narcissists and their vascillations of mood, character, opinions, loyalties, etc reminded me that at one point I wondered if I was dealing with a person with multiple personalities. He was a completely different person sometimes. There were about eight of him!
Quantum physicists tell us that if there is no observer, there is no object.
I think both “empaths” and narcissists need to feel observed, seen, and received BY OTHERS in order to feel they’re worthy or alive.
Could this be why the Narcs want all eyes on them all the time?
Could this be why “victims” of Narcs are so devastated when unacknowledged by this person whom they’ve endowed with power to “knight” them with an identity?
Is your system a way of our being and becoming OUR OWN OBSERVERS and Validators?
I just love you Melanie and I’m so grateful for everything God is doing through your work.
🙏🙏🙏
Hi Iris,
absolutely narcissists need that mirroring to feel like they exist, It’s a very emotionally precarious position to be in.
I truly do love Iris that self partnering profoundly brings us home to ourselves.
I am grateful as well Iris that my life landed on this path!
So many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Im getting on ok after 30 years with narcissist partner. almost 1 year apart. do not have anything to do with him. And Im fine until I visit my Dad, and he tells me my ex partner has popped in to visit , they have a coffee or a beer. Thats when i get upset all over again. My ex and my Dad got on good, and I struggle to tell my Dad all about my ex as being a narcissist. Just wondered if anyone else has this issue where there ex still keeps in touch with family. Its such a hard one, when my ex was part of our family for that long. My Dad is supportive of me but still likes to catch up with my ex. Its like Im getting along good and then this brings to back to day one of leaving and learning what a narcissist is
Does Melanie talk about my life ? Anything she says is exactly what happened in my life when I was too blind, loyal committed hooked and didn’t see how evil, hypocrite, callous selfish corrupted misleading and cruel it was . Consistently immersed in this terrible pain and loneliness, carried on with this unbearable never dared to blame him or make the right conclusion about this so hurting relationship and how unjustified is this profound never- ending is my miserable life with such a monster . No body would ever believed me perceiving him as the real angel . He was even colluded with my narcissistic mom and my son against me .
Melanie remarks make it so so clear and absolute
I have a question…
Will they ever stop? I’ve been trying to “gray rock” a female friend for a year. I do not think she will change and I don’t want her to change..i just want her to leave me alone. I have self isolated from mutual friends as it provoked rage. Now she is pursuing my own friends, ones she has never shown interest in, and her charm is working on them. Her daughter is exactly the same with my daughter. They found a better supply, discarded us, and are now having fun playing “victim” to pretty much everyone. I have one or two people in my life that see through her, but sometimes I feel like she’s taken everything and I am not sure how much longer I can hold on.
Hi LC,
Oh gosh, I totally understand your frustration! So many of us have been through this.
Please know that yes they do.
I want to grant you one of my resources that may help you understand how you can break through to this place.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/1-reason-why-the-narcissist-wont-leave-you-alone/
Much love to you and please know that you can get there
Mel 🙏💕💚
I understand that it’s a person’s actions and not their words that describe their character.
How do you unlatch their desecrating claws from your soul so you no longer feel shredded and at one with their cold hollow old town hell???!?
100% SPOT ON … well said Mel you amazing…. truth be told