I know you may think that narcissists are like terminators … they … just … don’t … stop … making … your … life … SHOCKING!
However, I want you to take heart.
There are ways to repel narcissists, to literally make then run the other way. Today I want to help arm you with eight character traits that you can adopt to get rid of narcissists – powerfully.
Please don’t despair if you are presently tangled up with a narcissist. This will still work by making these important and vital shifts. And, of course, these eight points are very helpful to make you impervious to narcissists in the future.
Number One – Knowing Your Truth And Rights
Narcissists like to get to you through your “gaps”. Meaning the parts of you not as yet “solid” regarding your own truth and rights. How this comes across is when you are trying to stand up for yourself in ways that are wishy-washy and not clear.
For many of us, when we were with narcissists, we didn’t know our rights and truths. The narcissist certainly doesn’t grant us permission to have them. The narcissist is all about their OWN truths and rights at other people’s detriment.
You may have felt guilty, confused or fearing abuse when trying to identify and express your truths and rights. Things like being able to have you own interests, dreams and time away from the narcissist. The right to say “no”. The right to have your own thoughts, feelings and opinions.
This means you will try to convince people of your truth hoping they will agree with you, rather than just “saying it how it is”.
Knowing and being anchored in your truth and rights means not needing to explain or justify anything. You know what is healthy for you and you just state it – regardless of someone else trying to get you to back off that decision.
“I” statements are powerful. Such as “I am not comfortable with that.”, “I will go see my friend.”, “I don’t accept that.”, “My answer is NO.”, “I am comfortable with who I am.”
These state you know who you are regardless of someone else’s opinion of you – especially a pathological narcissist who doesn’t understand basic human decency no matter how much you try to explain.
Narcissists can’t be around people who stand firm in their values and truths for long. They run from them, because they can’t manipulate them into handing their energy and stuff over.
Number Two – Having Self-respect
Self-respect comes with knowing your truth and rights.
Here is the thing, until we heal our childhood wounds, we may not have realised that we feel empty, unloved and alone on the inside, making us susceptible to needing love and approval outside of ourselves.
I promise you with all my heart that I know people who would never tolerate a narcissist. There have also been people over the years who have contacted me, who as soon as they recognised a narcissist and their disgusting behaviour when the mask slipped off, left the relationship. They knew 100% that this was not a person that they wanted to be around.
For many of us, initially, this wasn’t the case. Like my previous self, you may have tried to hang in there and change this person, rather than lose them. Naturally this meant losing yourself badly in the process.
When you do the inner work, a startling transformation takes place. Growing up on the inside to know your values and limits, and feeling whole within yourself, means that you are not going to hand your power away again.
Self-respect comes from self-partnering. It’s about listening to yourself. Knowing what feels healthy for you, and what doesn’t.
Then someone like you, who has wonderful self-respect, is too painful for a narcissist to be around. It shows up for them glaringly how desperate, empty and needy they are themselves, and how you won’t join in with them in toxic games.
Number Three – Being Charm And Flattery Proof
A narcissist may Love Bomb after a period of separation, especially when that person has finally got up the courage to leave them. Identically, a narcissist will lay the charm on thick when grooming a person as a brand new source of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist will size up what this person has “missing”. Do they lack self-esteem, confidence or deeply desire “something” that they missed out on, or were disappointed in before?
Narcissists love to appear as “everything you want”. They tell you what you want to hear. They want you to believe they are going to provide whatever it is that you think you need, or are hungry for, or will heal what hurt you in the past.
This is how narcissists get people emotionally connected to them very quickly.
Who are the people who are charm and flattery proof?
People who feel “whole”. In our community, these are the people who have done the Thriver Recovery Work after narcissistic abuse. I did this work, and I really want you to know it can work for you too.
What does this look like? This …
“What I think of me is what is important, I don’t need to get carried away with what others think of me.”
You are healthily and sensibly detached from Love Bombing and charm. You know relationships take time and you are not going to fall all over someone quickly. Different than in the past, you no longer feel empty and needy on the inside.
When you are dedicated to your own healing, inner emotional development and “fullness” you know that mere words mean LITERALLY nothing without a real character assessment to back it up.
This doesn’t mean you are paranoid. You are being realistic and mature and you are never willing to make rash devastating mistakes by going on a “whim” ever again.
Please be very clear, narcissists look for a “hit” with people who they can quickly emotionally penetrate. They are like the Trojan Horse and know they can seize and conquer if they get inside your gates easily.
If a narcissist can’t get you to respond emotionally to their flattery, crocodile tears, gestures of adoration and feigning of deep care and sincerity – they run. They move on to easier targets.
Now apart from you retaining your cool investigative logic, and self-respecting self, let’s look at how you CAN tell the difference between a genuine person being lovely and romantic and a pathological narcissist.
Number Four – Doing Sensible Due Diligence
Narcissists bank on getting involved with people, or Love Bombing them back into being narcissistic supply, without their target checking on the narcissist’s character or validity.
The narcissist wants you to throw all caution to the wind and let them into your home, bed, body and resources as quickly as possible (or back in after a separation).
When meeting a narcissist, if you have done enough work on yourself to feel self-fulfilled, then you have your own interests, missions, connection and pastimes and are self-generative.
When you already have a life, you can date at a respectful pace. What is essentially sensible (especially after having a history of being abused by narcissists) is to retain your interests and life and date a potential partner at a healthy rate platonically to see if this person shares your values. Do they have a healthy character? Is this someone that you could build a life with healthily?
Likewise with friendships and business deals, conjoining without taking the time to observe someone’s “self”, or do background checks and then finalise with documentation that protects you (in the case of business relationships) is not mature, and is extremely foolhardy.
We all know from our past experiences with narcissists that getting emotionally carried away cost us dearly!
Narcissists will run the other way when they realise that people are sizing them up, doing their due diligence and taking their time.
Identically, if a narcissist wants to come back into your life, you setting the boundaries regarding not conjoining until there is accountability and proven healing and reform, means the narcissist will very quickly turn from being “lovely” into a fully blown narcissist again. They can’t do it. They have no intention of doing it.
When they try to throw you off your “own life deservedness” with their childish tactics, such as saying they miss you, they want to spend more time with you, that you are selfish, or you don’t care, or even that if you don’t give them more, they will abandon you (all done very early on) and you refuse to play that game, they will dump you and run.
Narcissists need to ensnare you and become the centre of your Universe. They can be unavailable for you – but how dare you do that to them!
Please know HEALTHY people, totally get and respect you having a life, and want you to have a life! They also respect and are drawn to you honouring yourself. This is supremely attractive to mature healthy people.
Number Five – Being Self-generative
Narcissists love to create dependencies with people. If you need them for love, approval, money, lifestyle or survival – they know that they can do what they want and that you won’t leave.
So much of our Thriver Recovery is healing enough to know that we can have a direct relationship with Life, and back ourselves, rather than feeling that our life is dependent on what the narcissist does or doesn’t do … or grant us … or hold over us.
As children we were co-dependently connected to parents, yet as adults we can start to heal up and make the choices to know that as adults, we don’t need to continue being powerless and susceptible to others again. Of course, this can be scary – but it is truly essential.
I have seen in my journey, and with those of so many who have gone through narcissistic abuse, even people in their more elderly years, that when you choose to back yourself, heal, and know you would rather eat worms than sacrifice your Soul for dependency again – THE way OUT appears.
When you decide to back you, the almighty synchronicities of life will start to match this. Support, love, opportunity and even miracle will start to appear. Life starts to provide, because you took the leap.
A narcissist has no power over you, and will run the other way, when they have nothing left to hold over you.
When you say, “I value my SOUL, more than any dependency on YOU!” then the spell is broken, and you will go free.
Number Six – Being Anti-fear
Narcissists love to threaten others, to get them to hand over their power, rights and resources.
Threats don’t have to be physical. The narcissist may say they will leave you, replace you, take away your kids, the property, make allegations against you, and so much more.
If you do the Thriver Recovery work on your internal triggers and can’t be swayed into reacting by trying to bargain, plead, or hold the narcissist accountable for their disgusting threats – this is a game changer.
From this emotional place you can just deal with whatever occurs, calmly and solidly. Without the desired result (triggering you into fear and pain) the narcissist doesn’t get the emotional feed to continue abusing you.
In this community we have seen it happen time and time again – when narcissists threaten and people do the inner work to release and reprogram their fear and just press on with their own truths, boundaries and directions, narcissist lose power and effectiveness in trying to hurt you.
In fact, you will see how powerless they become.
I have, over the years, seen so many cases (including court battles) whereby the narcissist continues to fall flat and ends up capitulating and settling reasonably because they can’t STAND being in the presence of someone that they just can’t get an emotional reaction from anymore. It’s the ultimate insult!
Being “anti- fear” is beyond powerful!
Number Seven – Ignoring A Narcissist
Even when not threatening you, narcissists try to derail you by any number of methods. It’s all about trying to trigger you with something that they know gets to you. They don’t care about the details of it at all.
Often these things are in repeat. It doesn’t matter how many times you have had it out with them, what the consequences have been, the morality of it, how insane it is, and what it is about.
What they ONLY care about is, “I can affect you significantly and this makes me feel superior. It means I have power over you.”
What is the remedy?
I know it’s counterintuitive when we righteously feel that we should point out someone’s behaviour. Yet, with a narcissist there is no point. They don’t care if their behaviour is bad. They only care about triggering you.
When you know this, you can stop feeding them what they want.
Ignoring a narcissist who is behaving badly is so much easier when you have done the inner work on what it is that they used to trigger you on. When you heal this part of yourself up, it doesn’t matter what someone else says. You know who you are. You know what you think and feel. Your inner state of self is no longer reliant on what someone else is or isn’t doing.
When you get this shored up, a narcissist must run away, they need to be able to pull energy and significance from someone, and it won’t be you.
Number Eight – Complete Detachment
People ask me all the time, “When will the narcissist finally and completely leave me alone?” My answer to this is, “When you have finally detached and really mean it.”
It is literally impossible for narcissists, the psychic vampires that they are, to exist in your universe when there is nothing left to get from you.
Please know this is emotional and spiritual as well as physical.
Psychic energy chords are very real, especially with narcissists. There are people who may not have seen the narcissist for decades, yet still feel as if the narcissist is living on inside of them, and still, from time to time, get random contact from these narcissists.
This is because they have not exorcised (healed out) the narcissist from their Inner Being. They have not detoxed the abuse and all the tendrils of the narcissist that were wedged in their emotional subconscious self.
What hurts narcissists the very most? What makes the narcissist run from people more than anything?
Knowing that they mean NOTHING to you.
When they become completely and utterly insignificant.
I know this may seem so much easier said than done. Once upon a time I would not have believed this was possible to achieve either. But I promise you when you do the deep inner work such as what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) provides, it is not just possible that you will get to the level of detox and relief – it is probable.
I have said to people many times, “I don’t care if the ex-narcissist wins a billion dollars, marries the world’s most beautiful super-model or falls off the edge of the planet”, because there is no attachment left inside of myself to him.
The only feeling I have about it all is immense gratitude that I went through what I did (via him) to find my startling resurrection and Thriver Life as a result of finally coming home to heal myself.
There are NO memories. No nightmares. No … anything … And many Thrivers within our community report the same – because we let go of ALL of it, from within, in order to go free.
There is zero contact and if there was, I would be getting on with my day in the time it took to boil an egg. It’s irrelevant.
I want this feeling of detachment and freedom for everyone, and I promise you it is possible even if you are co-parenting – there are many people in our community, via NARP, who have achieved it.
In Conclusion
I really hope this article has given you some very powerful tips and states to aim at becoming, so that you know it is NOT hopeless against narcissists, and so you can stop handing them the bullets that they have been able to shoot you with.
It’s a beautiful day when you get this and achieve it!
To help you get there I’d love to show you NARP (you may have heard many people talk about NARP too!) and I encourage you to read the wonderful testimonies from many people who were once struggling, who are now FINALLY free.
I’d love to hear from you about this article. Do these points help? Have you been implementing them? Are there ones that you recognise will help you a lot?
Let me know your thoughts!
The only thing left is total detachment. Blocking her completley. Easier said than done but iam close.my self esteem is coming back
I know iam a great person.if I. Keep believing in me I’ll make it thank you soo much
You are an angel
Of course you are an amazing person-otherwise she wouldn’t been interested in you!
Yes it is the only way Daniel!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I had to do the same thing with my narcissist ex girlfriend of 6 years. This is my third try but I hope this completely shuts her off
Sounds good, I am in a similar process ridding a couple of narcissists from life. I am working on myself and it does seem to be a repellant to the narcissists in my life.
Thank you for another great article. I have fallen in and out of some of these states along my journey. One of my narcissists likes to make fun of my appearance, my personality, my finances, and anything and everything they think will get a rise out of me. As I have been learning more about narcissists I have noticed that the comments don’t mean as much and don’t sting as bad, its like I know that the purpose of one of my narcissists is to just break me down and lower my self esteem. But as I learn more about the narcissist I recognize that someone like that can not break me down.
Your advice comes at just the right time to reinforce my growing power to resist the narcissist in my life who continually tries to diminish me by pushing me out of the family circle while simultaneously using my Whatsapp and my other technologies to send 47 photos and videos of his family to another of our less-tech-savvy family members with whom I live and am very close. As per your #1 point, Knowing Your Truth and Rights to say “No,” I sent him a terse email letting him know it was not OK to use my Whatsapp since I use it for work (not completely true). He sent me back a seemingly apologetic email saying he thought it was ok since other family members let him do this, and if I wasn’t “interested” in his kids he wouldn’t use my Whatsapp any longer. I won’t even bother to respond to this. As per your Point #8, Complete Detachment works much better than getting lured in by anything the narcissist tries to get our goat with.
Melanie, I thank you once again for such ridiculously powerful truths. Like a bright light shining out of darkness I thank you for words that literally change me (my thinking first as I read more but as “thoughts are things,” these “things” change me, for an amazing better). I like to read what you have distilled and written, it is wonderfully shared wisdom. I have a sort of “media savvy” (what I hear when I listen) about myself and therefore about other people. (“Healthier” begins with a healthy self). It is like I have learned how to be (with myself, first) all over again and wow do I like. My “ears are different,” my thoughts are different, I like the person in my head a lot. Not too much, let’s say enough to have the right amount of self-respect. I don’t want to say “it’s easy after that,” because it isn’t, but self-respect is worth building like gold is valuable. The wealth that comes with self-respect is immeasurable compared to the earworms and nagging that are the product of a child-mind-torturer. (Because they are tortured). Banish these thoughts, you can, as “thoughts are things.” Choose well, your thoughts are YOURS!
Please, if you’ve been through it (you’re here if you have), “find yourself back again,” because you truly are “in there.” Much better, this time. The saying “it gets better” is so true. Big help, Melanie.
This is the most powerful article I’ve read to date from Melanie. I have been reading Melanie’s articles for a little more than 2 years. I also see evidence that this article is true because the Narcissist did destroy my life and all my other relationships, but I have been doing the work on myself, and he can no longer have any affect on me. My home has been robbed numerous times, and when he used to contact me I told him I knew it was him robbing my home. His reply, “thats what you get”. Thats what I get for what? Does he mean thats what I get for allowing him into my home? Yes, thats the way a narcissist thinks, I can see that now. I had family problems when I met him; I was at a low point. Vulnerable. But my strength is back now. My daughter died 8 years ago, and he steals what is most precious to me; the momentos I have of her. But he cant get reaction from me anymore because I can finally see how pathetic he is, how needy he is, and how outragious he feels he needs to be just to get attention. What a Baby, not a man at all.
Oh my goodness, can’t believe it, your mail always comes through at the perfect moment. I have totally got over the person that nearly destroyed me. I believe what is for you won’t go past you and you deal with what you’re dealt. My mantra each day, FAITH, strength and courage! Thankyou Melanie, I found you by chance., I had no clue why I was being questioned about everything but now I know, it was covertly. Found out my insecurities and used them against me, yet when I questioned their behaviour I was dismissed and had no right to question anything, I got told I’m an open book, ask me anything, I’m so honest, I have nothing to hide! HA! They use, abuse and blame. I felt I was the one one to blame, I was the enabler, accepting the bad behaviour. Now I have my higher power, my dear Lord and I will never give up with my belief. Thankyou Melanie, you have no idea how much faith I had lost but have now got back again! ❤️
I’m so pleased I can help Val!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Ps Be with people who support you if that helps you, be alone with your own thoughts if that’s what helps you, be kind, forgiving and caring, don’t have grudges or regrets, move on and live a better life than these people who are destructive and jealous of the lovely kind, caring, empathetic people we are. The false representation of perfection that they portray is only in their heads and those that are caught up in coercion. Feel sorry for them, they don’t have what we have, truth and honesty. Love to you all, stay strong, have faith 💕
Thank you so much for this it is very helpful .i am now begining my recovery and its still all a mess …but i will get there …
I can’t figure out my new phone so hopefully this works. How do you get away from a narcissist whom you have two kids by and are financially dependent upon him? This is the 5th state that he has forced us to move even though I begged to allow the kids to finish school in our last state. I have no close friends here. They were in middle school going into high-school. It was horrible. I constantly have to cover for him and it has made me severely sick. Both mentally and physically. I do everything humanly possible to be everyone for my sons because we have no one else. He claimed he forgot about our oldest son’s surgery, recently. I guess it wasn’t ego enhancing enough for my ex? I finally divorced him during covid but he moved 10 minutes away (I’ve been suffering for almost 2 decades). I try to protect my sons, but he’s manipulating the youngest who he treated the worst. Figures. My youngest now blames me for his recent diagnosis of being high functioning Aspergers. I’m the one who took him for his physical and was referred to developmental pediatrics. I didn’t feel I had a choice. If I didn’t follow through, then I would be told I am not following medical orders. My ex is military and believe me some (not all) use that power. The uniform is intimidating enough when you are the spouse and realize you have zero rights and gave up your career for their’s. I am guessing that my ex is now telling my son, “it’s mom’s fault you’re diagnosed” because I don’t know why my son would say that to me?? Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sorry
I am a thriver Narper with a completely inner world changed…..this work is the best gift I gave to myself….I still module if things trigger me, not necessarily a narc now. You MUST do the inner work…..I’m sooo grateful for having dived in to the modules. In fact I’ve just started going they all the modules again as certain circumstances have shown me I have stuff to clear….this is a lifetime tool. Life is sooo good now….Total turnaround when you honor your Soul and yourself. You must do NARP work to heal inner trauma or the perceived short term wins DO NOT Last.
I so agree with the poster who said what a powerful message this is. I have booted all narcissists out of my life thanks to the NARP program and replaced them with healthy, wonderful people who appeared in my life afterwards. I am currently struggling with possible narcissists next door who let their dogs bark loudly on and on. A definite pattern for me to live next to extremely loud neighbors, these are #10 and I usually just sell and move, so I did NARP for this issue today. It’s hard to ignore this as would usually be recommended as the dogs are so loud. Any ideas, insight, and/or support would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Ann,
it’s great that you have healed this much and come so far.
This may be a need for boundaries – speaking up and taking a stand.
I’m not sure where you are at with this “battle” with the neighbours.
Are you in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?
There we can help with more guidance.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you so much. Great suggestion, I do need to visit the NARP forum more often and will post about this there. I have spoken with the neighbor twice, very directly and assertively. Today I found out there is no noise ordinance in this area when I contacted the sheriff’s office. The HOA says I need to wait 10 days to see if it continues. I contacted an attorney as well. I really just want a normal life with peace and quiet. I just moved 4 months ago due to dog barking (I took them to court), construction noise on 3 sides of the condo, and the neighbor from hell throwing furniture between 10:00 pm and 2:00 am. I called my realtor today to sell my house as I am just not up for the fight. I am worn out.
Be at 100% peace and acceptance of the situation. Know that everything will unfold exactly as it should. And I noticed that it is not the situation that keeps manifesting, but the trauma underneath that triggers the situation. This means there is still more for you to shift. Every time something comes up like this, I’m noticing it’s happening faster and faster so it can be shifted out just as quickly. The answer here is not to ignore it, but to embrace it and accept it. And then keep shifting.
I can see, identify with and learn so much from this and all the previous emails, they do come at the right time. I left 8 months ago, and know that I’m being love bombed with attempts to lured me back, he asked for a 2nd chance. However due to reading and practicing the healing path, I’m so much stronger, and beginning to understand the concept of self-partnering. The poor pattern of expecting that a logical explanation of hurtful behaviour will result in change has been ingrained in me, and although his small improvements are positive eg I respond calmly, and he no
longer raises his voice in disagreements, I don’t have enough life left to address all the issues that should be normal behaviour, and I now realise are absolutely not my responsibility. I’m enjoying my life away from all that, and learning to take full responsibility for my life. Thanks so much Melanie
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for explaining these so practical character traits that I will try my best to live and to implement collectively and singularly ….In particular, I’ve been vulnerable to the narcissists invasive activities she’s been engaging in for the past week or two. they all present a challenge but I am up for the challenge….
A year or two ago I would’ve been frightened by a challenge like this but not today!😌 I attribute that to all the help that I’ve gotten from NARP and the encouragement that I have gotten from others who are surviving this horrific kind of narcissistic abuse….And the inner work that I am doing!
I’m very much looking forward to breaking these, all eight, down and giving myself the task this week to see what kind of progress I’m making with each one…. it should be interesting… I am really looking forward to see where this leads….
Thanks for the challenge, Melanie! I need it….
Thanks for everything else! Sending you lots of love! ❤️🦋❤️
It’s awesome this positively challenges you Peter.
Thank you for your lovely comments as always!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you
Man from California ,what positive insightful comments
So encouraging to hear your commets and others too.
Yes! We do heal! Yes! We do become better people for our courage to work through.
So endorsing, with great feed back….. Wow! To realise one is not alone 🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋
Can sniff toxicity out like doggies now!! Whoopie Do!
Thanks Mel for your article today ,Always greatful
Can you give examples when the narc is a girlfriend or sister, not a relationship partner
Almost all articles speak to the partner type relationship
Examples:
-using a secret that you shared with them in a trusting moment, against you, later-on. The solution here: be solid in owning that whatever you decide to share with others can’t hurt you if it’s thrown in your face bc you already own all of the parts of yourself and your past. This way, you take all of the air out of their “power balloon.”
^^that”s freedom
-you’ll start to notice that others in the friend group look at you with a subtle “side eye” or a dirty look out of nowhere, and this is bc when the narc was with them but you weren’t around, they were bad-mouthing you to diminish how much others love you. They love to “poison your well” to others. You’d never know about it unless you get good at seeing the subtle dirty looks, bc the narc has told these flying monkeys not to tell you. These dirty looks are VERY nuanced & subtle. Solution: keep shining, and those in the group who can “see” will keep their glowing view of you, and the rest of the flying monkeys are on their own journey with the narc and will never “see” until they’re ready. Not your problem to correct; that’s their journey with evil, not yours.
-if you loan them your clothes or special belongings, they’ll purposefully ruin them or lose them, and then feign that you’re unreasonable when you’re not happy about it. Solution: discern from there on out that they can’t be trusted, and move on with your life—when you know who someone is, you can pivot.
^^And then the lesson here IS the beauty that comes from the ashes. You just learn, and become more wise about who’s who and how you need to handle them and your availability to them.
-they’ll “forget” to bring you a present to your birthday party, or bring you something very weird and inappropriate in order to try to throw you off of your joy. Solution: This is advanced Thriver ability here, but get excruciatingly good at forgetting that they’re even coming to your event and give zero focus or attention to any part of what “they bring to the table.” Treat everything about them as insignificant, and that it’s all completely-unable to influence your emotional climate. Their antics and tricks are so predictable & funny, and from this place you get to feel this divine wisdom and almost compassion for how lowly & dark their hearts are—it truly is sad and bizarre and pathetic. And, you get to celebrate and be grateful for your brightly shining heart and the love others have for you. Narcs hate light, and you don’t need to care what they think/feel/do.
^^So fun and liberating when you can get here.
-they’ll come two hours late to an important event. Solution: understand this, and decide that they’re presence is irrelevant to your fun, bc it is.
-they’ll “accidentally” call you by the wrong name. They do this to pretend how unimportant you are to them, but that’s only bc they idolize you beyond measure and it’s eating away at them inside. So, they need to try to make you feel slighted in-order for them to feel emboldened. So transparent and funny.
Solution: play 5D chess here, and ignore it soooo well that they think that you didn’t hear them. And, if they do it again, say something like this with razor sharp sincerity and concern, and NOT condescension: “I recently read that people in mental decline have these malfunctions. You may want to consider a brain scan,” and gently touch their arm or shoulder while saying it.
^^classic 5D chess which will leave them speechless.
-they go hot and cold on their behavior towards you when you’re really happy, especially in a group of people, and when the other people are loving you and enjoying your light. You can feel their rage bubbling-up. This is bc deep down they truly hate you and the purity of your heart, and that you shine, bc it reminds them of their own darkness and everything that they’re never going to be.
Solution: see/notice/observe/accept, and then remain unaffected. Keep shining. Darkness can never overcome light. Don’t let it tamp-down your fire.
These are just a few. I have hundreds.:))
Hope this helps.
Sending love.🤍🕊
xo
Can you give examples when the narc is a girlfriend or sister, not a relationship partner
Almost all articles speak to the partner type relationship
Hi Georgina,
this is the same for ALL relationships.
It is about YOU taking back your power – it’s actually not even about “them”.
They are simply the catalyst presenting you with the evidence about what you need to shore up within you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie, I plan to leave her soon (end of October). Then I will start the divorce. My question to you is must I go no contact the moment I leave or after the divorce?
Hi Pieter,
always “less is best”.
If you can go No Contact then do it – at any stage. And then communicate through third party channels if necessary.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Brilliant Melanie, love the comment about ” the tendrils”, perfect description.
It really does feel like prising them off every time there is a trigger.
In the old days it felt more like a boa constrictor!
Love to you xxx
p.s. I think this advice can apply to all relationships as I also have a narcissistic mother and sister.
Ignoring them is definitely the best policy.
Hi Sharron,
yes absolutely this applies to all relationships.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Finaly able to say that it is an advantage to be The Scapegoat. Not any bonded. Had to go NC to save my life. Got to test everyone and figure out their roles.
The narc goal is to make their nearest end up in isolation and suffer. Ok! Then I needed to fix everything myselfe. They hate that I have proved that I realy don’t need them. That I enjoy my freedom as The Outsider. Trying to hoover me back as The Helper. NO! How can I be the Helper when I am suppose to be so crazy and mentally ill? Able to understand why they hate questions. They only need me to project themselves and their own pain. Escape from the truth. While I have invested all my energy in developing my True Self. Selfrespect which I now protect. Boundaries.
Georgina…
The experience, maybe just toxicity that one becomes quickly aware of… Your Gut tells you……LISTEN TO THESES THOUGHTS
Being exposed to narricissim of any form,whether it be .Male,Female .
Parent ,sibling or. Anyone! ….gives one information.to know to keep your distance from unhealthy friendship/ relationship.
Focusing on healthy respect for self, empowers strenghth to go forward and enjoy every daylife.,. BEING AWARE AND LISTENING TO your Gut/ God ,will not let you down
Great information!
My hesitation is that the narc in my life, Who I laughed when our child was only 2 1/2 years old due to severe emotional and physical abuse, had succeeded in my child away from me six years ago for over a year.
He recently struck again, after alienating my 11-year-old son to the point where my child has been used as a weapon to prosper against me and sadly and continues to be used as a pawn by his father.
Said father recently filed an emergency motion filled with allegations/lies against me Coming from our child.
The narcs goal is to terminate all of parenting my rights and eliminate all contact with my son.
The judge deemed at an emergency although she has yet to hear my side after four months due to opposition filing motions to continue the hearing.
I have seen my son four times in the past four months and he is unrecognizable and has been taught to hate me.
He will lie to the GAL and to the courts.
I am grieving the loss of the most precious thing in my life.
I never imagined that the unbreakable bond between my son and I could ever be broken.
I am heartbroken and feel hopeless.
I’m not sure if your program can help me
Hi Carrie,
my heart goes out to you.
Child alienatation is so painful and cruel.
NARP has helped many people in our community overcome child alienation, and set things in motion to reverse this happening, by first releasing the unspeakable internal trauma of this, to make the space for the reversal.
So much of what happens with a narcissist including these terrible events is “energetic”, to get change, necessitates healing within, as the first shift.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to understand this more deeply.
I hope that this can help and much love to you and your son.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Excuse my typos… I voice text..
Correction:
The narc who I “left” not laughed
Ah yes, a simply beautiful essay. Thank you! I would just like to add that along with your Thriver program I have found that practicing meditation and self- forgiveness are helpful. I find it easier to find the grace of gratitude. A few years ago you suggested Craig Hamilton’s meditation methods . You were right! ( and still are) Please keep up your good work.
My Dearest Carrie! 💛🌱
My heart breaks for you and your children ..
Carrie and her children are clearly being abused daily by NOT only the Narc but by a seriously corrupt, ignorant, and negligent family court system.
The highest paid attorney wins custody. Hands down!!
absolutely NO regard for the children or mothers being brainwashed who ALL end up with C-PTSD and destroyed lives. yes indeed!
Carrie please share your story and seek advice with the best damn female Human Rights attorney on earth!! Nail that bastard who has destroyed your beautiful family!! yes i am ANGRY.
STAND UP TO THESE ABUSIVE BULLIES AND LIARS NOW!!! FAMILY COURT REFORM PLEASE!!
Melanie,, i pray with God’s grace and resources that you can help Carrie. please google OMB One Mom’s Battle/Lemonade Stand Chronicles Blog .. There is a huge movement that needs to change child custody court. EVERY child deserves to reside with the healthy loving parent!!! AN unhealthy abusive parent (narcissist) should never EVER have custody of ANY child at any time. The debunked court system is condoning MORE abuse ,, for money!!
Shame on Them!!
Please do something .. and may GOD bless you!
My X husband who I coined-phrase the “devil himself” literally destroyed my life. He was a narcissist, but more than that he was a sociopath with a white-collar criminal badge. He is still manipulating young women and has targeted my niece recently. I know he’s doing it for me to reach out to him, but I refuse. My life with him was a pure black-smear on my soul for 13 years…Now that I am finally free – I’m going to write a book. Thanks for your amazing truths!!!
Great article and so timely for me, too! Just got an “out of the blue” text message from my narc daughter, telling me what a horrible grandmother I am. She went on and on, citing her “made-up” version of what I do/don’t do….. lobbing attack after attack on my character. I read the text, sighed, and COMPLETELY IGNORED IT! There was a time I would have answered every accusation, line by line, but after so many years of this kind of behavior from her, I learned, albeit, the hard way, to never respond to any of it. So I am very happy that for me, NUMBER SEVEN for the WIN!
Carrie
Just know you are not alone!!!….i do feel for your painful situation.
Thats abuse in the highest form…..
Lulu your comments have endorsed Carrie, …..
Keep battling thru Carrie …..I hope and pray your terrible pain is soon released ….
Please know we ALL care for you and your children
I know that may not feel like much right now…
There is a saying,and I know it to be true,when you think you are at your worst and cant go on, Things get better. Ie….THIS TOO WILL PASS .
Thank you Melanie 🙏💕
It’s my pleasure Aga!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
All Amazing points Melanie!
The point on Being Charm and Flattery Proof though made me think – gosh, we were somewhat blind to this and made us think this person was ‘amazing’ even though it was gross and laid on thick and there were warning signs. So important not to be concerned what people think either way, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ same thing really, causing us to react. Looking for gaps to charm us and abuse us, same thing mmmhhhh. You are so so Wise.
Kondwani
I relate to most of the comments people have made and the points that Melanie made which helped me to see that much of the impact of the trauma is behind me. I left my ex 2 years ago, and have gone no contact as soon as I dumped him. He did contact me, by mail, but I ignored him I blocked him and all his flying monkeys, who believe the BS he told them about me- complete projection. I have done a lot of inner work, there is so much to grieve, right back to my childhood. I had to let go of my siblings too, they are no different than the ex. I realise that many of the people I dealt with in my life were toxic to various degrees. Now I have no qualms about walking away from these, or not engaging at all. I think the most significant change I needed to make was to connect to my Self- I felt a sense of expansion and lightness, and self-acceptance. I am strengthening that connection and now know that I am worthy of being treated with respect and dignity. It took me a lifetime to understand the trauma bond and how I confused love with abuse. No more. I am free now, very tired from all this, but free. Yep, I still sometimes slip back into old patterns, but I am able to see them, forgive myself (very important) and come back to my true self.
Wonderfully said … absolutely exposing truths … such a true healer you are Mel
Thank you for allowing us the knowledge to setting ourself free ❤️❤️❤️
All aspects spot on
Wonderfully said … absolutely exposing truths … such a true healer you are Mel
Thank you for allowing us the knowledge to setting ourself free ❤️❤️❤️
who I am with will always trigger me and i break down crying. Usually threatening to take something that is mine. He is def a lier and shady but to my knowledge does not go for allies. He is quiet with himself, sulky maybe,but triggered by little things. I moved into another room in the house. He keeps threatening to throw me and my grandkids out. Before i knew he was narcissistic he agreed to help me raise them what a mistake poor kids. I am
codependant in the financial way and for love. Tired of being triggered by his up and down moods. Never before have i seen him punch a wall or yell really loud into space. It scared me but he knows i know. Just waiting for a house to open up. One more thing .. is he still narcissistic if he not as ruthless as what i have read? Maybe a covert narcissist? Idk.. confused I don’t see him as aggressive as what i have seen others talk about. Is there an explanation to this or varying degrees?
Hi Karen,
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that you can understand this at a much deeper level.
This will help you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Mama MEL,
You are nothing short of a prophetess!
How easy it is to think of a victim of narcissistic abuse as a coward, paranoid, and label him as such, as long as he keeps handing power away, and allowing life to be sucked out of him. But how true and practically simple to see that when the situation is reversed and the victim suddenly ‘comes alive’ and remains ‘true to type’, the real cowards are the narco himself and his flying monkeys!
Against the backdrop of this situational reality, it is thus easy to identify with and understand the narrative of the Holy Book when it described the scenario of Jesus’s temptation by Satan three times, and when Jesus resolutely unyielded, Satan left him alone.
The point is very clear. The narcissist has no hold on the self-regenerative, anti-fear, and completely detached individual. Thanks for the life-changing lessons. I’m indebted to you and your great team.
– Gee Emm
Hi Goodmanner,
I am so happy for you that you have been able to anchor into this powerful truth!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. And when I did that, I was free, loving myself, taking care of myself.
x on the other hand, was OBSESSED with hooking me to no avail…..and he tried everything.
Oh to learn this lesson !!!!!!!!!