Control and punishment are inevitable in a relationship with a narcissist.
If you’re part of this community you’ve personally lived the impact of both tactics and the result is pain, confusion, heartbreak and the violation of your rights and independence.
As the relationship advances the narcissist will increase their control over every aspect of your life. At first it will be subtle but over time it will evolve to overt total control. By this stage you are no longer thinking for yourself and look over your shoulder every time you try to make an independent decision.
You will be punished the second you try to speak up. The narcissist will mercilessly shame you and shift any blame onto you. That’s what they do.
When this happened to me, all those years ago when I was caught up with a malignant narcissistic husband, I became emotionally paralyzed and was stripped of my self-confidence and self-esteem. I became a shell of my former self. I’m sure you know what I mean!
Today it’s my heartfelt mission to reveal to you what I have learned about the narcissist’s behavior and their 7 favourite ways to control and punish you, so you understand what makes them tick.
This video will set you on the path to heal from narcissistic abuse for real and to end their abusive control and punishment so you can regain your independence.
Video Transcript
Today, we’re going to look at the seven favourite ways narcissists control and punish you. These are exactly the things you need to know because it’s going to explain to you what the narcissist thinks, what makes them tick, and give you the heads up on how the manipulation plays out. You’re going to know what to look out for, so you’re going to learn about all of this after watching this video.
Number 1 – Minimalize Your Experience
The first thing the narcissist will do to control you is minimalize your experience. A narcissist tells you that your rights are unimportant by minimalizing your experience.
So what does that look like? It looks like this … they tell you, “You shouldn’t be thinking that, you shouldn’t be feeling that, you shouldn’t be saying that.”, “You’ve got nothing to be upset about, you got it wrong, you misunderstood, you jumped to conclusions, you didn’t let me finish what I was saying.”, “No, no, no. You imagined it. You really have got nothing to complain about. You have it much better than what you’re making it out to be.”
How the narcissist is treating you is because they “care” and it’s all for your own good. All of these types of dialogues mean that you’re being minimalized, and you know that because it feels so off in your body.
As far as a narcissist is concerned, your rights don’t matter. Only the narcissist’s rights and ideas matter. You’re not a real human who deserves your own thoughts, feelings, and ideas or choices according to the narcissist.
When you know emotionally that you’re being violated, controlled, and abused (because it feels wrong inside of you) and you hear these kinds of words, be very, very clear – you are being minimalized.
Number 2 – Shame And Blame You
The next step that the narcissist takes to control and punish you is to silence you, which means not let you have a voice against him or her. So when you try to speak up, the narcissist will shame and blame you by telling you that you’re the one with the problems. You are the problem. You have a mental disorder, you’re selfish, you’re wrong. You’re non-caring, you’re not loving. You’re conniving. You’re a terrible person.
They may even say to you that you’re lying. You’re making things up. You’re a conspiracy theorist. You’re non-credible. It’s your fault what goes on in the relationship.
The narcissist might even say such things as, “I’ve never had any problems with other people. It’s only you that I have problems with.” When you try to fight back and even point out to the narcissist that what they’re saying about you seems very much like the stuff that they do, then you’re going to be told that you’re deranged, that you’re abusive, that you have anger issues, and on and on and on it goes.
Of course, this makes you question yourself and you may feel incredible shame and wonder if it is indeed you who has the issues. Naturally, of course, this is going to dramatically strip your self-confidence and your self-esteem. And it’s going to make it very, very difficult for you to stand up for your healthy rights in the future.
Number 3 – Bringing In Allies
Another tactic that a narcissist will use to punish and control you is to quote their allies, real or fabricated. They will tell you that other people, quite possibly including your nearest and dearest, also think that you’re a terrible person or a lunatic or unstable or irrational or defective in some way.
Or they may say that these people also think that you’re nasty and selfish and non-caring and that you actually make everything all about yourself, which of course sounds suspiciously like the way narcissists operate.
Of course, this is a horrible tactic because the truth is the narcissist may have smeared you to these people with their lies and their version of things. Then some people just go along to keep the peace, or maybe they’ve convinced these people of these things. Then they would have got their responses and even twisted them and exaggerated them to make it sound like these people fully believe the narcissist’s narrative.
The narcissist could be completely lying and making it up. All of this is going to bring on your shame attacks and your feelings of persecution even more. Also what it does is it separates you from the support networks around you and causes you to distrust them and to detach yourself from them, and maybe even feel very upset and betrayed by them.
Number 4 – Threatening You
Now, really you need to get very clear that threats don’t have to be about physical violence. Very often, they’re emotional.
If a narcissist feels like they may be losing control over you, that you’re getting some of your power and your voice back, or your resources back, then he or she will try to punish you back into submission. He or she may threaten to leave you or replace you with somebody else.
It might be something like they may threaten to release information to your nearest or dearest, or maybe even private photos of you that they have in their possession. Or they may threaten to call the authorities on you for something that they have over you. This could even be something that they’ve blown out of proportion or made up about you.
They may threaten you that they’re going to go to somebody with information that you’ve said about them. Or the threats could be very serious, like I’m going to take the house away from you, I’m going to take the business off you, I’m going to take the kids away from you. They may threaten to call your boss and tell them something about you.
And of course, in extreme cases, the threats could be physical. This is blackmail. It’s disgraceful and it’s incredibly distressing and intimidating.
Number 5 – Hoover You Back In
The fifth tactic to control and punish you is to hoover you back in. If a narcissist can’t get what they want with the usual nasty tactics, they may shift gears.
Some narcissists may hoover first and then threaten later. Others threaten and manipulate and then start hoovering when that won’t work. So hoovering means trying to win you back through things like gifts, promises of reform, tears or pleading. And of course, this is what you want to hear.
But here is the thing, according to the narcissist, you had better accept the apology and the promises of reform pretty quickly without too much question or resistance. The narcissist has neither the desire nor the durable consciousness to go through the concerted and lengthy therapy that would take them to actually reform, or the scrutiny of how much integrity they’re putting into that effort. They don’t want any of that.
You will discover in these circumstances of hoovering, that if you don’t fall straight back in with a narcissist and instead, you stand your ground and demand some healthy, durable progress and proof, and a believable regaining of trust with the narcissist, that the hoover will not last long and they will crack. They will go back to the previous nasty tactics of abusing you and making it all your fault.
Number 6 – Abuse By Proxy
Usually abuse by proxy happens after separating from a narcissist. They can set authorities and other flying monkeys, which is another word for their minions, onto you. This is done with any information that the narcissist believes he or she is entitled to use against you, as well as information that the narcissist will fabricate against you.
This could be done by using your landlord, the police, child authorities, taxation departments, or even your boss to turn against you, interrogate you, arrest you, fire you, or evict you. Naturally, this is beyond disturbing and traumatizing. It’s just horrible when you’re under attack with that stuff.
Number 7 – Hurt You With What Hurts The Most
Now, number seven, which is kind of generic, but it’s also very specific and it’s very important. The seventh tactic that a narcissist this will use to control you and punish you is, hurt you with what hurts YOU the most.
People over the last 10 plus years have asked me all the time, what will the narcissist do next? How are they going to come at me next? My response is always this – what does he or she know about you that will hurt you the most?
Is it abandoning you? Which means going silent, not answering any of your messages and calls. Is that the thing that’s going to freak you out the most? Is it replacing you with another lover? Is it about smearing you, discrediting you, and destroying your reputation and standing to others and the people you care about?
This is the incredible phenomenon of narcissistic abuse – he or she works out within the relationship, how to push your buttons and how to affect you and how to screw with your mind and your heart. They know where to hit you the hardest and have the most impact.
This is fundamentally how they control you and punish you the most. This is how they get the ego feed of – if I can hurt another person this significantly, it must mean that I’m superior, that I am omnipotent, that I am so important – it’s all about narcissistic supply. That’s what they’re about.
The creepy thing with narcissists is – I one hundred percent believe this and I’ve seen the confirmation so many times – so much of this happens on an energetic level. Even if you don’t give them the feedback, they feel it. They get a feed off it.
In Conclusion
I really hope that these seven tactics have helped give you the heads up of what to recognize. I really want to stress to you that logical information is going to be helpful to help you identify what’s happening and what the narcissist is doing, yet your most powerful defense is you shifting and healing up on the inside so that you can detach. You’re not getting triggered into responding. You’re not staying in the trauma bond and you can break away from this madness and heal yourself and your life.
Recognizing these things doesn’t mean that you’re going to be able to confront a narcissist, call them out, and change their behavior and make them behave differently. You won’t be able to do that.
This is about you changing. By changing yourself, you’re going to be able to create a sane life with healthy others. That’s your real goal. They don’t change, but you can to get up and out of that trajectory and what’s been playing out in your life.
I hope today’s episode has really helped. I look forward to comments below. I’d just love to say to you, go check out if you haven’t already, if you recognize you’re going through this and you just can’t get out of the quagmire and the battle and get your mind and your Soul and your health back, go check out NARP, my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, because it’s the fastest, humbly, most direct, powerful way I know of to heal up and out of this.
This was really lovely. Thank you!
I really have been helped so much by you. I didnt realise until after I separated that I had been married to a narcissist – I just thought I was having a nervous breakdown with all the emotional abuse, financial abuse and undermining and did not realise that I lost myself along the way. I was put in touch with your website and it has become so clear to see what I was involved in. Three years on after a lot of healing work I feel I am a survivor and lucky to come out of the relationship still alive. THANK YOU so much for opening my eyes to the traits that my ex husband was ruling my life by – I feel free even though after 3 years and being left in huge debt with no financial or emotional support to our boys I am standing tall and a survivor! Keep up the good work it really helps those of us to move on with our lives.
Hi Vicki,
I am so pleased that I could help.
Sending you continued love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I can say to anyone who has felt or feels this oppression, they all do these things much like following a script in a movie — it is almost that predictable (once one knows what to look for but even then, “going covert” on you doesn’t make it easy). Melanie is totally spot-on that “this is what they do, this is how they are.” True, some are mild and maybe “less effective” (but still bad enough), some are raging and it is literally life or death (for their direct targets). These are very dangerous people. Best not to fear, best to face OUR fears, so we may best them.
Mine giggled at “how much he gave me!” while we attended the funeral of one whom she targeted and who blew his brains out with a shotgun (I know, I was there and saw how our Latter Day Saints — a church based in North America, but worldwide — hosts at their local temple for the funeral services for him were aghast at her behavior). Narcissists are literally indifferent to whether you live or die and torturing you (and likely many others) is their only (but necessary) entertainment. It is a truly horrific mental disorder. After she abandoned me to steal most of my wealth, I read her journals she didn’t want me to find. (She thought I would continue to respect her privacy, but after my family and I filed our lawsuit against her — we won — the gloves were off). Their thinking is absolutely “whack.”
Please, safely distance yourself. Knowledge is power, so take and use your power to be safe. Then (it is a long road, but you can arrive at freedom from this), thrive. My very best to all of you here, it unfolds for all of us differently, yet it is all the same.
Hi Melanie,
what can I do, if my husband of 27 years, uses the children against me. Can I tell my kids what is going on and inform them of his tactics? Or will they continue to buy into his victim behaviour. After years of emotional abuse and him cheating I finally got it and he discarded me very quickly with another woman, who is 20 years younger and has a 15 year old son. He told me that she is a better fit and that he has a thing for single mums, but that he is not interested in the boy. I was completely shocked.
I am still stuck in a trauma bond and so are 3 of our 4 sons. They are 32 (twins), 27 and the youngest and most vulnerable is 19 and feels he must protect his dad, as he is always so sad.
I moved from Canada back to Germany, where I have the support of family and friends. My boys are currently staying with me, but their dad showed up a few days ago and does now fun things with them, such as going to soccer games and to different car museums. I know, that he is trying to manipulate them and told the boys not to release any information about me, as I do no contact.
Also, divorce proceedings are going on now for the past 1,5 years…he wouldn’t sign anything and calls my lawyer an idiot, who is only after money.
After my last attempt to save the marriage about 2 months ago, I was ready to give up and die and nearly did, as I developed a massive thrombosis and ended up in hospital.
The NARP program helped me immensely and I stick to no-contact, but it is so hard to see the children struggling and I don’t know, how much they should know, as I am scared it might backfire on me… please let me know, what you think…best wishes from Liane
Hi Liane,
my greatest suggestion for you right now is to come into the NARP Forum and receive support from the beautiful Thriver Moderators and Community who can help support you with specific shifts and suggestions to get through this stage.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
If you have any trouble getting into the Forum then please email support at [email protected] and one of my lovely team will help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am so blessed by this information and from the comments of other victims of narc abuse. It is so accurate and timely, it helps to keep me grounded in my sanity. I heard more than once from my narc fiancee that he hadn’t had any problems getting along with anyone else in life, just me. After 10+ years of doing mental gymnastics to try and justify his behavior and why I stayed….felt sorry for him, patience, felt I knew myself enough/was strong enough to be able to handle it. I heard “you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me” and lots of “I love you”. The tactics described are so spot-on that it lets me know not only is my experience exactly what it always seemed to be but more importantly how there should be no tolerance of it no matter how much the narc has zeroed out me as a separate human being with a free will and perspective. I was undoubtedly replaced. My narc is 57 and cheated with a 23 y/o whom he said he “felt sorry for”. This was his justification for cheating! He also maintains what he calls a close friendship with her and we have had fights and arguments and it truly has been obvious that it is just sport to him, complete with grins and smirks. It has taken a long time for the shock of knowing that a human being can be so sick that no amount of compassion will be able to change it. I was kicked out of our home almost one year ago and I know it was the best thing that could have happened. At that time I knew something was going on but was lied to for months on end. It has been devastating. I am not going out of my way to contact him but have not gone fully no contact. He is also an alcoholic who was not actively drinking while we were together but he has drank virtually daily for the entire last year. It is scary that he can drink and still lie with ease and not crack even when heavily intoxicated. Just in the last couple weeks his texts are in more of attack mode that I am all wrong, “not forgiving” is how he attacks me. I just got a text from him, the message was the phone number of his new friend that he cheated with. He is drunk so much now that it also makes this easier on me because I guess it helps me to be able to accept the hell I have gone through with him, I guess I think it’s easier to have a reason why he doesn’t function like a decent, normal person. Thank God for this information here because no matter the cause, there is no justification for emotional abuse. It is pure manipulation and I need to get it clear in my soul that there is no change or improvement to be expected.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Beou1qXvkE
Here is a great way to go full no contact – makes things so much easier.
May God bless you.
@Lynn
Yes, the “you are all wrong”, “you are not forgiving” – is yet another manipulation tactic – this particular one is to guilt you and to deflect the blame off of him. Clearly, there is not true remorse. Although, some can fake remorse pretty well – even fake cry. “Mine” could fake remorse and empathy. It took me years to see it for what it was.
May you stand strong and I hope you seek counseling or some sort of help to not get sucked back in by his manipulations. Whenever they feel they want you back as a toy, want to hurt you more, mess with you, or use you for whatever – they HOOVER. Please learn all you can about their tactics so you can be ready for it – so you can protect yourself.
What about when the narcissists are my mother and sister
Hi Mary,
if you google my name plus narcissists and family – you will find many of my resources which I hope can help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
These 7 points truly resonate with me. They go after your worst fears so just don’t show them your concerns or fears.
Dear Melanie!
This particular segment reminds me of how I have been punished repeatedly by the narcissist over the years! I was often punished financially as she was the comptroller of finances! I was punished when she withheld intimacy. She punished me verbally when, according to her, my behavior was not up to her standards! She has and is continuing to punish me in court proceedings and depositions, etc.! I have bedwetting issues and I have been punished not only privately but publicly by the narcissist for that problem which is related to my issues with severe PTSD and childhood sexual abuse. I’ve been blamed and shamed and chastised and it seems when she does that to me she gets a bit of a “high”… and, yes, I’ve been minimized repeatedly by her opinions about my accomplishments and whatever nonsense she can come up with.
thank you for bringing these issues up as they often are dark issues that we don’t share with others. Thank you for the opportunity to let go of and express my anguish over all of this that’s been going on for just too many years.
I know that I need to go within and work the modules and do all of that but some days it’s just too much and I need to leave all of that alone and just breathe in what it is that I’m going through. Maybe then I can let it go! I sure hope so! 🙏
Thank you for all the courageous work that you were doing….I know it’s not easy. Lots of love! ❤️🦋❤️
Thank you Melanie. I have experienced all of this from the person with NPD. It is nice to have it so concisely summarized, and so well articulated. Because many people have not experienced this with a significant other, they assume that the narcissist’s public behavior at times when they are on their best behavior is the same as their private behavior at home because that is what it typically is with someone who does not have NPD. This is one way that the narcissist is able to manipulate others opinion of them to maintain credibility while they are trying to erode the credibility of the person they are smearing.
Spot-on accurate as usual. My nightmare was my mother. My long experience with a severe narcissist reassures me that you are indeed the genuine article. You are a god-send! I have been looking for answers for over fifty years. And actually struggled with it even longer! I am thankfully no longer “enmeshed”. To anyone out there wondering, Melanie has a great deal of hard earned expertise. I haven’t quite completed her program yet, but I assure you, she is offering more trustworthy answers about narcissism than I have ever found anywhere on this planet in half a century. I promise you, from years of exposure, she is offering valuable assistance. Not that she needs my endorsement. But if you are hesitant, if you’re caught in this misery, there is help and hope and, at least, accurate information you could definitely use.
This was timely. I have been working on recovery from codependency and complex ptsd created by a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. It was how my neurological system adapted to the toxic cult-like system. My role was the scapegoat in the system. Throughout my adult life I played that role in toxic narcissistic relationships being highly reactive. Healing is coming through good self-care and eliminating or minimizing association with toxic individuals. My body tells me when I am not in a healthy situation or with healthy people. In the past I had no idea because I was indoctrinated and brainwashed into the sickness which made me sick. It was an abuse/codependent hamster wheel. I heard a story that bank tellers are trained to spot counterfeit twenty dollar bills by being around nothing but the authentic twenty dollars bills so when the counterfeit enters into the mix it is quickly detected and discarded. My neurological system spent a lifetime of being in nothing but counterfeit relationships thinking that was “normal” because it felt energetically familiar. When an authentic person came into the scene I looked upon that as suspicious. My defense mechanisms wouldn’t let them close. It felt unfamiliar. I learned the true from the false by ceasing looking for love and validation outside of myself to looking for it through my higher power and staying away from everyone familiar as I learn who I am outside of anyone and everything. I finally know who I am free from toxic and can say today that nothing and no one is valued above my well-being. People who lack empathy and compassion who constantly blame me for everything and can’t connect emotionally and are avoiding and controlling are no longer desirable. I would rather be in my own company than to sell my soul for a quarter crumb from them. I am self-partnering to reinforce how authentic loving relationships feel free from trauma, control, manipulation, gaslighting, mind games, withholding what means much to me, critical and judgmental unable to see their role in anything because it’s everyone else’s fault, unreliable, and non supportive or accepting of who I am no matter what I hoped or wanted would happen. I released the fantasy bond being breadcrumbed while I gave more than whole loaves of my time and affection to be shoved in such a minimizing place in their lives. I finally reached a place where I prefer my own company above anyone I know. My adult sons act like their dad who was diagnosed sociopathic. The more I recover the more I see how they are becoming like their father. I used to hold my adult sons in such a high place inside of me while they held me in the lowest possible position in their lives. It was like that in my former long time intermittent narc relationship that I finally energetically was able to purge after working on releasing the energetic bond that matched from my childhood. I release all that was deposited in me by them and in its place fill it with light and love from source ( higher power). I realize I am never alone. I am here. I matter. I give myself empathy, compassion and validation so I don’t need it outside of me. I am connected to my body. I have spent so much time in a recovery mode that anything that pulls me down I can feel immediately. I am finally sensitized to the loving, kind and available while having an aversion for anything less. Until there is a match for where I am I have no issue being in my own company. I am enough and valued. No longer will I chase narcissists looking for love. You can’t get blood from a rock. I feel fulfilled and complete. I feel connected to myself. Narcissists are no longer able yo attach. They no longer are my normal or familiar. There is simply no place for them to latch on.
Hello Mel,
I have your Quanta Freedom modules. Old and New one. Question – How do I release fear of something a Narc will do, if I do not know the fear? For example: I am a single woman healing from narc mom & ex-husband. I own a house. My handyman is Narc. He is controlling and manipulative ( ex-cop) yes, hard to believe! How do I feel self sufficient that I will find someone to help me with things that break or need to maintain around my house?? Handyman, knows just the tactics to reel me back in.
Hi Bria,
my suggestion would be to use Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module to target the fears of being self-sufficient so that you can let this tradesperson go!
Accepting someone you know because of dependency is a slippery slope to experiencing loss! This will be a great one for you to shift out and heal beyond.
I would highly suggest also coming into The NARP Member’s Forum for support http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Every single one of these tactics is being used by my husband. It’s having major impacts on my health and anxiety levels. My hair is falling out and my digestive system is in knots. I do not know how I am going to get through the divorce negotiations – my attorney seems to live my husband (another attorney). I am stuck in the same house until this is finalized and it’s been going on just over 2 years now, with no end in sight.
Wow, spot on. When I told him I didn’t like to come home bc the house and yard were such a mess, he said, “DONT COME HIME THEN”! And he said he wouldn’t go to therapy but I should go bc I was the one who needed it. If I asked for something, he’d say, “Domt break your arm patting yourself on the back”! And he hoovered me back by saying he wished he had bullets for his gun bc he’d use it on himself, the second time he cried and said he’d seen the error of his ways (a lie bc he went back to the abuse when I returned). He tried it a third time and I did not go back. The third time was the worst – he stalked me, kept showing up where I was, got into my car, stole my phone and went through it. When I didn’t go back and divorced him, he told people I was a whore and I went crazy like my mother. And in the divorce he got half of my retirement account to reduce the amount of $ he owed me. Absolutely traumatic and horrible. THANK YOU, Melanie!