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Today is the day I’m going to help you get clear on how to stop handing your rights and power away, by sharing with you 7 reasons why you may be struggling to set effective boundaries.

These are 7 things that I deeply had to understand about myself, in order to start creating an abuse-free life. I know your life can change beyond recognition once you understand this stuff too!

Most of you have heard the word β€œboundaries” but what does it mean? To put it simply, it means β€œwhat you will accept” and β€œwhat you won’t accept.” Understandably with narcissists we need boundaries MORE than ever!

But I can almost hear you say, β€œBut Melanie, narcissists don’t respect boundaries!” You are right – they don’t. And that is why they are even MORE important, and why they don’t even have to “respect” themΒ (read on to find out why …).

Let’s jump on in!

 

Number 1 – Not Wanting To Upset People

Please … please … please know this, the more you comply with other people, hoping that your acquiescence will grant you some of your rights back and get them to stop abusing you, the more they will strip away your rights and continue to abuse you.

β€œI just want to do the right thing and keep everyone happy,” you may say.

Or … β€œI don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to make waves.”

And … β€œI don’t want to risk criticism, rejection, abandonment or punishment as a result of standing up for myself.”

Or even, β€œWhat will people think of me?”

I want to inspire you to understand that your life, freedom, happiness and power is never granted to you by someone else. YOU have to claim it. You have to take a stand. If you try to live on your knees, you will be diminished and kicked down even further.

It’s not the truth that your Soul has been waiting to grant you!

If you don’t claim your truth, you will end up being β€œharvested” into someone else’s truth at your expense.

This is because you are still feeling like a child on the inside. I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, rather I mean this is how we feel when not yet healed up into our own authenticity inside of our body, looking for a metaphorical β€œparent” to tell us what to do. I used to feel like this – that other people knew better than me. I believed they were the authority of me.

Quantum Law is β€œbe” it and then it β€œcomes”. If you heal up enough to become your own inner truth, power and authority, then you will attract and have relationships with people who respect and care for you as well.

The core truth to move into here is: β€œI am prepared to take a stand for my True Life. I don’t expect it handed to me on a silver plate. I don’t expect it be all smooth sailing without challenges and growth opportunities. I can live my True Life, and be TRUE to myself.”

You may believe this is self-absorbed. Yet it is being self-aware as well as serving others honourably. Later I will explain more about this.

 

Number 2 – Feeling Unworthy

A boundary filled with excuses and justifications comes across as β€œweak and whiny”. When you are working at becoming an empowered boundary setter, the goal is not to try to explain your rights and truth – because they just ARE.

How does this look in real life? It is β€œI” statements. Something like, β€œI’m not going along with that.” β€œI’m happy with my decision.” β€œI am going out tonight (or whatever it is).”

LESS is BEST, it’s much harder to argue with.

The core truth is this: β€œI give myself permission to DESERVE my rights and truth, state them and β€œbe” them regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing.”

 

Number 3 – Being Triggered

I say to my students of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and Thrive members all the time – β€œDon’t try to set a boundary from within a trigger.”

What do I mean by this?

If you are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol you are operating from your amygdala, the primitive part of your brain, which is very reactive and doesn’t have access to cool, calm power.

This means that you are likely to act out of your trauma bond – meaning the unhealed part of you, activated into cortisol and adrenaline, trying to fix something outside of you, get compassion and clemency or change someone else so that you can feel safe, rather than commanding your own safety.

Of course, narcissists trigger you horrifically. They are experts at it and they know where to hit the inner part of you that feels victimised and powerless and can be derailed.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse literally and spiritually depends on how effectively you turn inwards to work on these parts of yourself to heal them up (which is what my NARP Programs and Thrive are all about).

Can you imagine the difference when (as an example) the narcissist projects all the blame on to you maliciously and rather than you finding yourself arguing for your credibility, you just ARE your credibility and don’t care how the narcissist perceives you?

Then you will discover how powerless narcissists are when they can no longer incite your fear and pain in order to hook you in and take you down even further.

This core truth is as follows: β€œBy healing within what is triggered, I become impervious to your tactics.”

 

Number 4 ­­– Not Using The Actions That State β€œI Mean it!”

Oftentimes with a narcissist you can’t talk sanity to insanity – and anything you say may be used against you.

One of the most important elements of a boundary is understanding this, β€œIf you are still present in the problem you are condoning it” and, β€œwhatever you accept is what you will get.”

Standing arguing with someone trying to get them to see the error of their ways and treat you better equals β€œhow to lose” when this person has neither the capacity or the desire to treat you better.

Participation in any way allows them to continue abusing you. Removing yourself and getting on with your choices and life and empowerment takes away that option from them.

Many people have gone wrong (and I was one of them!) believing, β€œI have stood up for myself!” The real question is, β€œWhy are you still participating, if you REALLY meant your boundary?” The truth is you didn’t mean it, you caved in on it, or didn’t follow through.

The core truth is: β€œIf I stand and participate saying NO I am actually saying YES.”

Removing yourself is your TRUE boundary when this person has no desire to respect your boundary and values.

 

Number 5 – Feeling Guilty

Narcissists, and really anyone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their bad behaviour, are very manipulative. They could draw you into feeling sorry for them, and prey upon your sense of compassion.

I really want you to read this key statement that woke me up many years ago. It was Neale Donald Walsch saying, β€œTo allow an abuser to continue abusing is an act of abuse itself.”

If you feel sorry for someone who is abusive, then you are enabling this person to continue with their bad behaviour. They can keep doing whatever they are doing and still have your attention and energy. Maybe you are even cleaning up their disasters for them β€œbecause you love them.”

It’s not loving to stunt another person’s ability to grow up and love themselves. We think other people will treat us in relation to how we treat them. It’s not true – other people will respond to you identically to how you treat yourself.

The core truth is: β€œIf I serve the truth of my Soul, I serve all of life and others in honourable ways.”

Sometimes saying β€œNO MORE” is the most loving thing you can do. It could be the opportunity for someone, who does have the resources, to finally take responsibility. That simply cannot happen if you continue enabling them.

 

Number 6 – Wanting What Isn’t Possible

If you are using a boundary to try to get someone to change, you are missing key truths about powerful and effective boundaries. They are never about other people changing so that you can feel loved, approved of and secure and safe.

It is about YOU changing so that you just CAN be the change.

If someone does not have the character, resources or desire to treat you kindly and healthily, no matter what you say or do this will not change. It is a huge shift to understand Quantum Law – so within, so without – meaning that you have to align with and make the changes in your life, within yourself, that will generate safety, approval, security and survival.

These changes start with how well you can take care of yourself regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing. What you want from others starts with self-partnering with care and love.

Your self-respect and self-love mean you don’t need other people to agree with you for you to β€œget” yourself. There are people who will never grant you this no matter how hard you try to make them – but YOU can.

When your choices start saying β€œyes” to people who do have healthy resources and β€œno” to those who don’t, then your life will start to blossom and flourish.

If you feel like you are trying to make someone β€œget” it, over and over again and feel like you are lecturing and prescribing to someone who doesn’t have fundamental decency, please know this is Wrong Town! It’s time to let go, cut your losses and look after yourself. A continued relationship does constitute self-abuse.

The core truth is: β€œI am my own healthy source of love, approval, security and survival. By being so I will only accept healthy resources and people in my life.”

 

Number 7 – Not Being Willing To Lose It All To Get It All

The most powerful boundary setting comes from knowing that your Soul and your truth are your most powerful generative forces of your True Self and True Life.

So many of us did not lay boundaries or did not enforce them because of fears of losing our finances, or our job, or having a falling out with family, or losing a relationship and having to be on our own.

I really want you to know, I have experienced this personally as well as seen it unfold thousands of times – when you honour yourself, all of life (the healthy resources) start to honour you.

This is being generated because YOU are your own Source. Not that person, not that job. When you have a direct relationship with Source. I promise you that you will experience how unlimited you really are.

The core truth is: “After I let go of what hasn’t been serving me, the space is cleared for healthier, better and more durable people and opportunities to arrive in my life.”

 

In Conclusion

Boundaries are life-changing! They grant you the confidence and courage to be in life as yourself without fear. They allow you to be authentic, open and creative as well as pursue the goals and desires you wish to have.

I have two suggestion I’d love to share with you regarding the inner healing and development of your boundaries.

My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is your first step in detangling, detoxing and disengaging from a narcissist to take your Soul, sanity and Life Force back.

Then, after your NARP journey you may be looking for the next step to REALLY get down to effective, powerful and calm boundary setting. Then I can’t recommend enough my Empowered Self Course as your next step.

Let me know in the comments where you are on your boundary journey!

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Commments (23) + Leave a comments

23 thoughts on “7 Reasons Why You Struggle To Set Effective Boundaries

  1. Hi Melanie!
    Thank you very much for these wonderful explanations.#’s 1,2,3,and 5′, especially 1,2,and 3, resonated with me. Not wanting to upset anyone, withholding my thoughts and feelings, generally leads to some type of disaster, mainly an emotional disaster within. I get triggered and start relegating myself to the, I am unworthy, trash pile. This happens when I am in the proximity of my ex more than with other people. Unfortunately I still need to see her until everything is finalized and settled. This doesn’t sound all too great but what is great is that I rejoined the forum today and I think that the period of time that I stayed away from the forum was not particularly healthy for me and my growth and little Peter!
    So, that’s the good news!
    Thanks for everything and thanks for this really good information today. Sending lots of love and gratitude to you, Melanie! β€οΈπŸ¦‹β€οΈ

  2. Hi Melanie, thank you for the article.
    I do not want to prescribe to people how to behave and also if I was gonna set a boundary it would be from being triggered but I feel like I should say something or maybe I do not understand the whole “show up, stand up, speak up” thing but I feel like I need to say at least that I deserve respect and and not toxins and negativity. Because my inner work might take some time and if I walk away from my current job for exemple well then I walk away right into a new bad job with a bad boss who crosses boundaries because my inner work is not only about boundaries but also about being my own self generative source of survival and security and about money and a dream job, so basically about my whole identity. So are you saying that when I clean up my poor boundary function it might bring good opportunities and people with healthy resources as well? Thank you.

  3. Good Day Melanie Tonia Evans,
    I want to really appreciate you for all the write up send to me about narcissist, it came at the right time i needed to know and understand what i was actually going through. Thanks so much for the information. God bless you real good am so grateful. Hope to join your narcissist recovery program someday.
    Thanks so much i really appreciate.

  4. Hi Melanie
    I see how the repositioning how-2 is accurate corrected. I was accustomed
    2 these other things by my narcs. Thanks πŸ™ 4 wake-up call-πŸ‘πŸ‘£

  5. Hello,Melanie!

    This is the best and completest explanation i heard till now.
    Thank you very much for clearing up a few questions i had and couldn’t finally come to a conclusion.
    Silvia

  6. This is so good there are seven nails here you’ve hit on the head in one blow. The brief explanation with examples is just so clear. I printed it and its on my bedside table for ready reference. Thank you so much.

    1. Thanks for this article Melanie,

      a big one for me was number 2: feeling unworthy. All my needs and feelings were communicated from a place of shame and inner child unhealed wounding so trying to ask for my needs to be met from this place rather than a healed adult living in the present was always going to be a no win situation.

      Also number 6 was a big one: wanting what isn’t possible. I really felt if I spoke up it would get the other to change. Absolutely not. Speaking up from an adult healed self gives others the opportunity to show up for me (and for themselves too) and if they can’t do this then they are not capable of loving relationships.

      Thank you,

      Tess

  7. I am always amazed when I read your articles and how right on and accurate you are at describing how living with a narcissist is so complex. That is why it is so crazy making and isolating if you don’t have someone that understands narcissism when you are seeking relief. I am so glad you are helping so many understand and equip to fight the battle.

  8. My issues have been setting boundaries with strangers. I use to think if people acted like as if they knew more about me than I did than they probably did.I had a lot of brainwashing as a kid.My narc testing these days is to say NO and SMILE.If they argue my right to say no ,I just say :I dont talk to people who can take NO for an answer and walk off.Its the walking off part I had an issue with in the past.I always felt I had to cave in and argue for respect.However narcs can be sneaky if they think you are cornered.The other day I had to go to pathology for some blood test.I had been down with a non covid flu for almost a month.I looked unwell etc.It was not lost on the patholog lady.When my huaband left she asked if he was my husband or father, after that she continued to comment on that I was pale and you dont get much sun do you ? Then she raised her voice and said STOP when I tried to explain something on the form.I know I should have walked out but my bloodpressure had been so low I was worried about crashing on the floor.When I first realised that I was dealing with a narc I started to panic.I am locked in a room (She had carefully shut the door.).and she got needles…This is not good I am trapped here .How do I explain to my dr that I need a new form etc.Will they blame me ? I have no evidence of what she had said to me etc..Then I said to myself OK dont be a victim.Instead of going in to open warfare with this women I just dead panned her..It worked a treat.She got NO supply from me.She started to look and act nervous and concerned .I walked out like a queen LOL ! OK I was still angry that someone in her position would try to abuse people that are unwell or sick.It was an excellent lesson in how to turn the odds in your favour even when you feel cornered..I did tell my Dr about her.He just dismissed me.He doesnt need to believe me.Only I do.Not sure if you can report people like that.I guess people vote with their feet as the other pathology clinic is very busy and her waiting room was empty.I am glad to road test my POWER every now and again.Glad I also have the knowledge.these days.Thanks Melanie for reaffirming the truth is within message xx.

  9. I thank you so very much,your email came at a time when I was thinking about boundaries,we are not together but I love him so and I realize that we just don’t want the same thing we are friends with benefits he tries to conceal what he’s doing but I know I’m tired of feeling worthless and like a side piece

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