Many people don’t understand boundaries.
We know that people can’t just enter our homes, cars or bank accounts.
Why were we not taught about our emotional, mental and spiritual health and how, to have an effective life, these personal boundaries are just as important if not more so?
Boundaries are about how to let the Good In (say YES to) and keep the Bad Out (say NO to).
Today, I want to share with you 8 ways that you can become a better boundary setter, so that you can evolve into being the divine guardian of your health and entire life creation.
Yes! Boundary work affects everything!
Number 1: Ascertain Your Values
I want you to understand that you will not know what to say “yes” and “no” to unless you decide what is true for you.
A great way to establish your “no’s” and “yes’s” is to clearly establish your own values. Values are the “rules“, if you like, by which you live your life.
After being narcissistically abused, or suffering painful relationships, an easy way to establish your values is by remembering the things you have received in your life that hurt you.
That is your “no’s”. Now write a list of the opposite, these are your “yes’s”.
For example, “adultery”, the opposite being “monogamy”.
Or “deception”, the opposite being “honesty”.
Take as much time as you need to write out your No’s and Yes’s so that you get clear about them.
Now let’s examine what you do in regard to boundaries with your list.
Number 2: Stop Participating
Please understand these following words, which are some of the truest ever spoken.
“What you participate in is what you will get”.
If you are in a situation where again you are living with any of your “no’s”, you are not congruent with your values. You are heading into Wrong Town again.
How do you course-correct? By declaring this is NOT your reality and you stop participating.
This may mean stating your value as a boundary and the situation either steps up to meet you as your value, or you step out and leave the situation.
Moving out of past patterns is painful and scary, yet reaps incredible rewards. Whilst going through the transition phase it’s very self-supporting to keep doing your inner healing and development. This helps you stay strong, aligned and knowing that one hundred percent, no matter how things turn out that you are doing the right thing.
When you “be” it, then it “comes”. That what Become means!
How do you know if people are meeting your boundary and values authentically?
Read on …
Number 3: Actions Not Words Are Vital
Anybody can say anything – Words are cheap. Don’t assume someone has the capacity to be aligned with your values because they are saying it, or you are hoping it.
Take your time to get to know people and assess their character properly before signing up with your heart, body or assets.
If in a present relationship you have honestly expressed your boundary needs, and someone tells you they will respect you, and their actions don’t, then you have your answer.
If you are unclear about actions and motivations, then you have a right to investigate and question.
Let’s talk more about this …
Number 4: Listen To Your Gut
People and institutions can lie. Their agendas may not have your best interests at heart.
Rather than handing your power away blindly by trusting sources and people that you are taught to trust (or would like to trust) feel inside of yourself as to what is true or not. If you are unsure, then ask the honest straight questions – especially if you feel uneasy.
The future is likely to be a repeat of past behaviours … do your own research if unsure.
If you get resistance, shaming and censoring you know NOT to proceed. Credibility always has ZERO issues with transparency and inquiry, and will seek to present truths calmly and honestly.
You know – like I do, that every time I ignored my gut and proceeded, I paid a terrible price.
Absolutely, healthy people rise and say “No”.
After narcissistic abuse we HAVE to stop “just going along” or dutifully “keeping the peace”. That is exactly what got us into hot water in the first place.
Number 5: Work At Saying “No”
If you don’t honour you, you can’t honour life or others in heathy and empowering ways.
If you say “yes” when it severely depletes your energy then you will be resentful toward others.
If you say “yes” when someone else should be doing things for themselves you keep them stunted in their capacity for growth and confidence.
If you say “yes”, and disintegrate your own inner identity by living outside of your values, you can’t grant life and others your healthy energy. In fact, you may be seriously emotionally diminished and even toxically harmed or injured, and therefore be unavailable to the people and projects you love.
Your gut not only knows the truth for you – it works for the Highest Best of all concerned, even if in the short-term people or organisations don’t like your “no”.
Source LOVES you saying “no” to what is not your truth.
This is when Source can start bringing you the “yes’s” that are.
Especially when you express them and stand for them, which we are about to examine …
Number 6: Speak Your Truth
Please know this, people can’t respect you until your respect yourself. Through our boundaries and values we train people how to treat us. Others won’t know where your boundaries and values are or aren’t unless you speak up honestly.
Every time you “expect” that others should just operate a certain way, you are handing your power away. This creates you as a victim who will never carve out the true life you wish to live.
Speaking up is not easy! You may have been terrified by confrontation, not wanting to rock the boat, or are scared of hurting people’s feelings. Maybe, in the past every time that you have tried to speak up you have been invalidated or shut down.
By doing the work on you inner healing, determined to evolve yourself and your relationships, I promise you if you are calm, loving, honest and direct, good people will appreciate this, gravitate toward you and step up for you, and the people who have been violating your boundaries won’t be able to anymore and will move out of your life.
What is also brilliant is that you will recognise people don’t have to match your values, they don’t have to change. You just need to live aligned with your truth.
I’m about to explain this in more depth to you …
Number 7: State Your Values and Truth
If you state what is YOUR truth and what YOU desire or need, then you are not accusing anyone or shaming them.
And you are not trying to lecture, prescribe or change them in order to make you happy, safe and loved.
Instead you are stating your own values and truths in regard to living a life of honesty, decency and love.
“This is my truth and what I want/need to have in a relationship with you.”
Rather than “You do this or you do that …”
This person can either choose to join you at that place or not. You are granting them opportunity and choice, without forcing them to do anything. This is the highest level of love.
“I love me enough to choose my truth, and I love you enough to allow you to choose yours.”
Regardless of this person’s choice, you get to live your truth and you are carving out a powerful life of having “yes’s” turn up to match your values, if they don’t rise, someone else will come.
You will get your answer, even if they don’t understand the validity, necessity or meaning of your boundary.
Let me explain …
Number 8: Only You Need To Get Your Boundary
People have asked, “What if they don’t listen to or respect my boundary?”
My answer is – “If you ask that, you are not laying a boundary!”
Please know only YOU need to understand your boundary. Your boundary is “this is what I will accept, and this is what I won’t accept.” You are establishing your “yes” and your “no”.
If this person refuses to acknowledge or accept your boundary (for whatever reason) then rather than try to force them to, remove yourself from their energy (permanently if required) and then only say Yes to who and what does seek to embrace and respect your boundary.
Obviously, there are some relationships like with our children, or some family members that we may not wish to go No Contact with. You can still have boundaries by removing yourself and staying away from this person, rather than arguing with them, when they step over your expressed boundaries.
They will either learn to step up to retain your energy in their life, or not. That is their choice, whilst you continue to live aligned to your values and truths.
Conclusion
I hope that this has helped explain boundaries in way that is succinct, demystifying and empowering.
No one said boundaries are easy! They take grit, healing, development and embracing the fear of showing up in a whole new way.
After being narcissistically abused you have to get beyond the fears of people Criticising, Rejecting, Abandoning and attempting to Punish (CRAP) you as a result of taking your power back.
I’m so excited to let you know that my Beyond Abuse workshop is coming up soon. In it we look deeply at and work with boundaries!
Also, I recommend my Empowered Self Course which works deeply on co-dependency and boundaries (they are deeply intertwined) as well as how to set REAL and powerful boundaries.
I say “yaya” to you becoming a Boundary Beast!
Wow! Every time I think you cannot get any better, you do. I appreciate your knowledge and your heart and your humility in offering yourself as an example out of your own missteps along the way.
Hi Kat,
thank you for your lovely comment!
Such is the passage of my own evolution and uplevelment, and I feel blessed that my channel reflects this!
It’s great that this deeply resonated with you.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Given that things are in divine order, perhaps those missteps were too.
I think it’s important to also realize that setting boundaries often means keeping out people and their relationship connections that you might enjoy, just because those people are not necessarily unhealthy but cannot “get” and don’t necessarily need to be given, your concepts and background info, for why you have the boundaries you do. It’s important to make those sacrifices in order to be healthy and happy. Not everyone who is healthy will get it, either. Example: My father wrote a nasty, really abusive letter to me and my husband, before we had a special milestone coming up in my husband’s career. Nobody knew the date yet, but most people knew we’d be planning something very special. However, once this letter came, we got some great counseling that helped us see my parents could not respect our boundaries, never did, and truly made us miserable disrespecting us for so long in so many ways. We were left with a choice: Keep up the same relations or start carving out boundaries that had us respected and took the drama and negativity out of special moments like the one we were planning. So, we had to then also cut out some relatives, cousins, siblings, and other friends who sometimes went along with the disrespect or played into it too, but also others who wouldn’t understand and weren’t close enough to the rest of the family to need any explanations for why we did what we were doing. So, when we did our special events, the entire clan of intertwined folks were not included. It was much healthier that way, and with me not on social media, it was pretty easy to black out this stuff…I had stayed off of social media years ago because of the hateful ways the family used things we did or photos or trips we took to find fault, so this was a good thing. Anyway, nobody knew until our Christmas card had a couple of highlight photos, without explanation, what was going on, and it was all fine and dandy. We had a most marvelous time, and nobody needed to be dragged into the scenario in any negative ways. It felt amazing to do it that way, and I felt so relieved, unburdened, by having boundaries and not being disrespected any more or inviting that kind of behavior to thrive around me. Just be prepared to know that some boundaries will have to be set that unintentionally may have to include a larger circle than the abusers themselves to work well in today’s world of families and friends who talk.
Hi Mel,
After coming out of narcissistic abuse even though it’s been two decades I have had therapy and emdr however struggle with asserting myself and always have. I was bullied in childhood and always handed over my power it became the only way to live for me and I was such a pleasing person to everyone because I believed there is something wrong with me for being a target. This pattern later expressed itself into adulthood and I am unsure of what is a yes or no for me because I played the rescuer in my own family cleaning up after my mentally ill mother and dysfunctional family and being told to look after everyone else. Can NARP help me connect to being able to define this ‘yes’ and ‘no’ boundaries as the level of abuse I have in my live it has been hard to acertain what actually is. I seemed to have lost my sense of identity and feel numb after 40. I have always admired people who knew how to stand in for themselves and had that courage in themselves effortlessy it was something I would envy. Great Post.
Hi Louise,
I hear you and what you have been feeling and struggling with is totally understandable.
Yes, NARP will assist greatly in shifting and reprogramming those blocks, fears and traumas with your Higher Potential which is healthy organic boundaries – specifically related to handing your power away, and healing this.
I can’t recommend it enough. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you, Melanie, perfect timing for this article. I am about to file a complaint against an institution that have mishandled my case and are disrespectful. I may not win this battle and he war, but at least I chose to try protect myself and not suffer in silence.
Hi SiMoni,
you are very welcome.
Congratulations on standing up and honouring you.
Power and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Very well said.
Setting boundaries is vital .I am like a crawling baby. From abuse to learning when and how to be reborn.
Thanks for sharing this important message
Patience
You are very welcome Patience,
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I agree with what Kate said:
Mel, you just keep getting better and better !
Also, something you said strike a cord: “if you say yes when it severely depletes your energy you will be resentful toward others.”
I said yes to raising my children alone post a Narc relationship. I have been doing it by myself for a decade – emotionally, financially, asking the Narc for nothing to avoid further abuse. No contact with him.
The result is incredible children.
Raising kids is hard under the best of circumstances but doing it yourself is so hard that resentment feelings towards my kids happen.
It’s normal in my opinion to feel that. When you do it all, then the row feelings are there and it’s not always easy… there is no one sharing the difficulty of raising children with me so my feelings are full spectrum- love and, at times, resentment too.
Hi Jane M,
thank you sweetheart for your lovely words!
Please be kind to you – you have done an amazing job.
I did it all myself too!
We are so pleased with our children
Mel 🙏💕💚
In our culture (Pakistan) we were not modelled healthy boundaries especially saying no to elders. “Don’t say no be a good girl”. Neither were these taught in our schools. Thank you for such a profound article. I am learning to honour my own soul’s truth one step at a time.
Hi Farrah,
Im so pleased that I can help.
Much love and many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I would like my partner to cease replying to txts his ex girlfriend keeps sending asking to meet up. She knows about me but continues to send txts. He has ignored the last one but I feel he should reply and say he no longer wants to communicate. It is hurting me, waiting for the next txt. He seems to think I should accept it and I feel he enjoys the drama. He is showing no respect for me..or am I wrong? What move should I make please.
Hi Kitty,
truly sweetheart it is up to you regarding what you will and won’t accept.
Personally, I would absolutely say that I don’t accept contact from an ex still interested and would state that I am only going to be in a relationship where my partner tells an ex he is not interested and please don’t contact again.
Otherwise, how will you respect yourself Kitty?
This is the thing about boundaries, if he doesn’t step up you need to live the truth of “this is all I will accept” … if that is not him, and you stay because you don’t want to be alone, or fear losing him – then you are saying “I will accept this in my life” and so it will be.
The boundary is not about him getting it – it is about you getting it, and being willing to walk with him or without him – generating your chosen truth.
I so hope that this helps.
Sending you love and strength.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Kitty
Please be careful with that behaviour mate. Take care of yourself yeah!!!
Thank you Melanie. This is such a powerful and helpful article. I have been a people pleaser all my life and am now struggling to learn to set boundaries and live by my truth. My mother is a Narcissist and my step-father too. My siblings and I only worked this out a year ago after both of them have been targeting me for the last few years. They have had a good life living and working abroad and have now retired to Spain. My Mum has totally dominated their relationship and he has lost his identity and does exactly as she says, believes everything she tells him and does exactly what she says. He has given her a lovely “ex-pat” life abroad which has made her feel more “entitled” and “special”, living it up, parties, holidays etc. but now they are retired they are both struggling to be happy. They are now “ordinary” retired people and I feel they now resent me and my husband having just retired with all our plans ahead of us. They created an issue when they came to visit the family in November 2019 and told me they didn’t have time to see me and my husband. They have blown it up out of proportion. My Mum put the phone down on me when I tried to clarify a time for her to call me when they arrived and states “I” didn’t even have time to speak to her. She refuses to speak to me unless I apologise to her for not arranging to meet up. I have tried to explain to my step-father that I had tried to arrange a time to meet up but was told but her they didn’t have time to see me but this is refuted. I have created a boundary by saying our versions of events differ so we should agree to disagree and move on and was told absolutely no they would not do that, if I want a relationship with my Mum then I have to apologise without any excuses!. This was last February and nothing has changed. I have spoken to my step-father a few times but my Mum refuses point blank to speak to me. My sister has just had the same conversation with them both saying they should agree to disagree and move on as everyone is fed up with this ongoing conflict but they absolutely refuse to do this. I have to apologise unreservedly or nothing will change. This is just the latest example of my Mum trying to control me and disrespect me and give me the silent treatment, have had a smear email sent to the family and my step-father trying to gaslight me into believing I said something in my original conversation to my Mum that I know absolutely I did not.
I am doing the NARP course and I know I cannot apologise to my Mum for “her” behaviour just to bring this particular problem to an end as I know this will just hand over my power to her again and she will in all reality just continue to “punish” me further for not apologising sooner anyway. I hate conflict and have found this situation crucifying, but I have spoken the truth as to what was said, but respect that they see it differently and have not asked for an apology from them only for them to agree to disagree and move on. I find it hard that they still do not wish to do that. It only proves that controlling me is more important to them than having a proper loving relationship with me. This article has strengthened my resolve to stick to my boundaries of being honest and truthful and accepting they see the events that happened differently to me but not rolling over to discount my truth of the event and feeling.
Hi Denise,
I’m thrilled that this resonated with you.
I love that you are going to keep working on you to show up truthfully and honour you.
With your family this will be very big, and it’s great that you have NARP to Module out the traumas that arise as you start standing in your truth and take your power back.
This is going to be incredible and wonderful growth for you!
Sending you love, blessings and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks again for hitting the nail right on the head. Your words, here, align deeply with my feelings and a drafted letter to my closest family members examine these points. This letter is over a year old and includes a recent post script. I declare who I am in this world and my needs as a person. I also declare whom I am not.
I have shared portions of this letter with my counselor and doctor with positive feedback. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD) still drives my direction, but point by point I drive my boundaries home. I hope not to actually send such a letter, but nonetheless a letter is ready.
Thanks again, so very much, for your affirmations.
B
Hi Brian,
it’s my pleasure!
It’s so great that you are getting very clear about your values and truth.
Big kudos to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, thank you so much. The more I do the healing and work with you, the more you email the exact piece of advice at the exact time I need it ❤
Hi Hara,
you are very welcome.
I love that we are in synch.
Much love to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hello Melanie,
Thank you for this valuable instruction. It is incredibly difficult for me to admit that I have lived my entire life without boundaries of any sort. The basic human right of autonomy was stripped from me as a child growing up with incest, emotional and violent physical abuse. I realize that within that home life I was not only bombarded with horrific and unbelievable harm, but also deprived of all of the good touch and nurturance that humane relationships should contain. It is a terrible double edged sword to be so desperate for kind and loving human contact, but also programmed or conditioned to tolerate in silence the unbearable harm.
Although I escaped my childhood and thought I married a gentle and kind man whom I have been friends with since age 16, I have left several times, we are currently separated almost 2 years after I asked him to seek help for his addictions. He is a high functioning addict, a successful accountant, but alcohol, drugs and extreme gambling debts have created such insanity that I could not handle it any more. My boundaries have been firm, I do not intend to have myself and my children homeless again due to his bad decisions, when I stood my ground he became angry and emotionally abusive, he completely disappeared for almost a year, barely having contact with our children. Are boundaries the same with addict/narcissists? 2 years into separation we are friends and able to coparent finally, I do not know what to do going forward, he seems like a good man with addictions.
Hi Heather,
you are very welcome.
I am so sorry that you have been through so much. You are truly inspirational to come this far on your journey. Please know that boundaries apply to every person and situation in our lives, because they are really about US aligning with and living and generating the truth of our life – which also grants other people the impetus and opportunity to heal, grow and live their best life.
Sending you love, strength and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much Melanie for this article on boundaries. The wonderful clarity hit me right between the eyes in a good way. There is evidence that I am learning ever so slowly but I do see some progress that is promising. People pleasing and the inner message “not to rock the boat, not to make waves,” is so deeply embedded in my being. Definitely not easy to change. The efforts are worth it though. For me the power of learning to speak with “I” statements is beginning to be trans-formative especially when I can do it absent of edginess in my voice while letting go of the fear of consequences. Also, being able to clearly define my boundaries is revolutionary and then to use words to make that clear despite the fall-out all works together for more personal empowerment it seems. All the best…
Hi Laura,
it’s my pleasure. That’s great that this really spoke to you.
Sending you power and blessings in your boundary breakthroughs!
Mel 🙏💕💚
As a single mom divorced from my Narcissist with a minor child in common at age 7 how it is it possible to follow so many of your fantastic strategies in the Court Family System. I have experienced most of the 50 Traits of a Narcissist Checklist and continue to do so in Family Court here in Arizona with very little success. I have lost credibility as a single mom, made to look crazy in Family Court and I am now divorced for 7 years and this Narcissist continues to use the Family Court to continue to destroy me further. I am in the AZ ACP address confidentiality program for Domestic Violence Court Order of Protections issues but here in AZ the Legislature doesn’t speak to the Judicial system and Domestic violence is not a believable matter. I wish I could spend time to share my story outside the newspaper article that have been published already by the Arizona Republic. As a single parent I like to see more reading about battles in Family Court with a Narcissist and having a child in common with them.
Hi Deborah,
I have some specific resources that I hope can help you.
Please google my name plus “narcissists in court and custody” as well as “parallel parenting” and I suggest checking out my NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – these three paths are the most powerful combinations to help you succeed in these extreme challenges.
Sending you love and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
What a wonderful article. This is exactly what I need to hear. I felt (while reading), as if the whole article is about me! Thanks for coming to my aid every time I need you.
You are very welcome Ismail,
it is my honour to serve you!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie and her wisdom has brought me thru so much narcissistic abuse that I experienced from my husband of 24 years, family members, brainwashed grown children etc etc. narcissistic abuse is exhausting and heart breaking .. if you allow it!
please do yourself a big big favor and tell ALL the abusive narcs in your world to ‘kiss your ass’ and/or ‘go to hell’. It works miracles in healing and is hilarious to watch their responses. stay ‘no contact’ and never ever look back!
God has you in the palm of his hands. 🙏🏽😊
Once again this article hits the spot about being true to your best self, thanks++++ Melanie. These subjects would be so helpful in the wider community, eg schools and religious institutions could help their students and congregations with so many problems if we all knew more about identifying and embracing our own boundaries. I’m so inspired by this one!!!
Melanie, Thank you so much for what you have posted and uplifted on this website and elsewhere. I had lost my truth, and somatically felt I was obtaining other’s truths in my body due to enmeshment; so you have been helpful.
For truth, in your Feb 2018 Youtube video :True Self & Way To Set Boundaries That Stick:, you stated that an effective boundary is to keep what you do not want out. My confusion is, with a false self, stating what they want to another, they may not be capable themselves. A woman who I have been working has stated that if you want truth and respect, you have to do truth and respect. I guess my concern, where I am, people will declare how they wish to be treated, but unwilling to put forth the effort in order to heal within and thereby act in alignment with how they wish to be treated.
The second part of truth, is people removed from their truth, and projecting the illusion of their truth on their present physical reality. — An individual being with an abusive partner, who they project as their ideal relationship, while intimately holding onto and physically avoiding a prior partner who sees their true self, while energetically seeking them for nourishment and moreover healing. The fear displaces them from their truth, but they project that the life that they are living is true. How does one further discern what is their truth, to fully be in alignment with their soul?
Thank you for imparting earnest clarity!
Tom
When you say NO clearly and respectfully… And they ridicule, guilt-trip, threaten or manipulate you in anyway into saying YES..
RUN
No doubt my parents were narcissists. Constant drama, lying, rages, broken promises, cruel insults, controlling religious nuttery and crazy-making situations often neglecting their kids and blaming others for their and their children’s problems.
Being on being a Boundary beast thanks to QFH
My boundaries are getting more and more empowering and clearer and centres and peaceful each time –
Can you tell I’m excited 😆
❤️❤️❤️🙌🏻 QFH programs = evolutionary
Bring on being a boundary beast –