You may be at a point in your relationship where you’re asking yourself whether doing couples counselling is the next step to try to resolve your issues with a narcissist.
You may have thought, “Maybe it’s worth a try, maybe it will help him or her see the damage they are inflicting …”
I thought the same thing; I even participated in couple’s counselling with one of my narcissistic exes. I truly know first hand what this implies.
Before you possibly expose yourself to even more abuse, please take the time to watch this video. It will help you understand the different behaviours you can expect before, during and after you seek joint therapy.
It could save you an enormous amount of energy and pain.
Video Transcript
Over the 10-plus years of helping thousands of people heal worldwide, I’ve heard from hundreds of people who’ve tried or considered couples counselling with a narcissist. And I’ve tried it myself.
In this video, I’m going to share exactly what you could expect to happen if you try couples counselling, such as how the narcissist behaves, how they manipulate counsellors and whatever else you can expect.
Now, this is what I know. By watching this video, it could save you an enormous amount of energy and pain.
How The Narcissist May Behave Before The Actual Counselling Sessions
Let’s have a look at how the narcissist may behave before the actual counselling sessions, because this is really important and you may have experienced what I, and so many others have – is that the narcissist gets remorseful, or they say, they’re sorry, or they’re saying that they want help.
This is usually when you’ve had enough, you’re getting strong, you’re about to leave, or maybe you’ve already left. And they tell you that they’re all for counselling. And you may think they are. This is really awesome because this is what I wanted.
Or you’ve been pushing it and you’ve been saying, “We really need to do this.” And then all of a sudden they’re like, “Yes, okay. I know I’ve got problems. I want to get help. I’m going to go to counselling with you.” Or maybe they even suggested it.
In normal circumstances with normal people, non-narcissistic people, you could feel hope. And I’m sure lots of you have been through this.
What Happens When You Do The Actual Counselling
But what happens when you do start the actual counselling? The support that you felt from them, and also to the accountability becomes very short lived because in the counselling sessions, this is what you start discovering – that the narcissist is no longer taking responsibility for their behaviour.
And this is the thing with narcissists. You give it a poke with a stick, with their accountability to see if they’re going to like normal people, sit in it and stand in it and be responsible for it. And the three-ring circus begins because they’re going to start with the ‘buts’, “I’m sorry, but… I do this because of you.” There’ll be a projection. There’ll be a twist back.
And what you’ll start to find out is the focus is coming back on you. And yes, you’re traumatized. You’re broken. Absolutely. But all of a sudden it’s changed from the narcissist saying, “I know I’ve got problems and I treat you really badly. And I want to get to the bottom of this. And I want to fix our relationship.” It starts coming back to the relationship is your fault.
You may really feel that the therapist doesn’t get it, and it’s going down the wrong track. And you’re getting frustrated and the narcissist is looking like the good guy or the good girl in the therapy session, in the counselling session. And you’re the one that’s getting distraught, and irate, and frustrated, and triggered.
Now about this. I did a rant on Facebook. It was about a year ago, I think. And what it was about is a counsellor had come onto one of my posts and said, “There’s way too many people that believe people are narcissists and they need to try harder in their relationships. And a lot of it’s their fault.” And I kind of really came back on that very hard. And I did a video about it. And I’m going to do that rant again, because this is what can happen in contemporary therapy.
The Narcissist Will Often Actively Manipulate The Counsellor
The narcissist is actively manipulating the counsellor. They’re turning it back on you. The counsellor may not have had any personal experience with a narcissistic-toxic person. They’re missing the warning signs.
What are the warning signs? That you are broken. That’s the warning sign.
And the things that you’re saying, which are very, very stock standard for somebody who’s been narcissistically abused. If a counsellor has never experienced narcissistic abuse and doesn’t know it at a deep level, knowing it from a textbook is not enough because they’re going to miss the mark.
If they don’t know it at a deep level, then they may say stuff to you like, you need to work harder on your relationship. You need to heal your stuff and your childhood wounds. And the thing is, and this is my rant that I said, I don’t care what is your “stuff” in this. If you are with somebody who has had narcissistic tendencies, which is maliciousness, the ability to punish, it’s a false self that will never take responsibility, who pathologically lies and it is capable of horrific stuff, it doesn’t matter what you’re going to do with yourself and your wounds.
You are never going to change this person. And you are never going to have a healthy relationship with somebody like that.
Now, many counsellors don’t get that. And I know there’s lots of you out there in the healing professions who are wonderful people and you do. I’m not directing this at you. You’re amazing, but I want you to be very aware.
If you are going to a counsellor in joint counselling with a narcissist, or even by yourself, and you have narcissistic abuse syndrome, and I talk about that so much in my stuff, go to my resources and put in, “Am I being narcissistically abused?”
So you get very, very clear about what you’re dealing with. If they don’t get it, you need to get away from that counsellor, because if they’re telling you (and it happened to me), “try harder, take responsibility.” It doesn’t matter what you do with those people. It really doesn’t.
If it ends up all about you and your issues and you’re the one that needs the help, because often the narcissist is charming the therapist, literally, this is only going to cement the narcissist’s ability in being able to abuse you even more.
The Narcissist If Confronted May Exit Therapy
Now we can’t completely blame the counsellor. And let me explain. Narcissists are very, very convincing. If you do get a good therapist, who’s actually going to confront the narcissist and try to hold them accountable, the narcissist will find a way to discredit the therapist, exit the scene and will not come back to therapy. Because the thing is with a narcissist, if their mask is taken down, well, then they’re going to run. They have to get away. They’re not going to stay there. It’s too much of a narcissistic injury for their battered desecrated true self.
You know that with a narcissist. If they feel a slight, real, or imagined, then they just don’t deal with it at all. So confronted, they’re going to leave. They’re not going to continue anyway.
Or let’s say they do. You may say to me, “But Melanie, I’ve had my narcissist be there and bear it all and be really honest about it.” And that would mean that this narcissist is in deep narcissistic injury.
When enough has gone wrong in their life, that for a very small window and an amount of time, this person is going to be honest, they’re going to front up and they’re going to be real. But as soon as they can get those defences back up, then they’re going to go back to business as usual, which is a narcissist.
So the thing is, you’ve got to understand that you’re either going to have the narcissistic personality in there whose one goal is to maintain the false self and the false self is I’m right, you’re wrong. This is your fault. And I’m going to punish you for trying to leave me, hold me accountable, or tell me there’s something wrong with me.
A therapist is a really good way for them to do that. Or if the mask gets pulled down, they are going to run, discredit the therapist because they’ve got to avoid their inner traumas and dysfunctions.
You May Have Been Hoping Therapy Will Save Your Sanity And The Relationship
Now you may think because at the start, when you had the hope, it was like beautiful. This person loves me enough that they want to work on the relationship, but you have to realize that a narcissist’s goal is not peace, harmony, healing, unity, and love. It’s actually about narcissistic supply.
So you’re not going to get a solution either way. There’s no solution to get there. And you may have hoped that therapy was going to save your sanity and your relationship. But what it’s actually going to do, it’s going to bring you more abuse and more trauma.
I want you to know with all of my heart, no therapist is going to validate what you’ve been through and they’re not going to hold the narcissist accountable.
I know we all want somebody else there to save us. And a therapist is never going to do that. Actually, none of your friends can, none of your family can, nobody can. This is our job that we have to do is to heal and validate ourselves.
A narcissist or the therapist is simply going to use that person as another pawn against you, because for therapy and counselling to work, there’s got to be two humble, real people, ready to meet their wounds and ready to work through them and ready to be supportive. You have to have conscious individuals on deck.
I’m just going to tell it to you straight. I’ve never in all of the thousands of people that I’ve worked with and absolutely in my own life, I have never seen couples therapy work with a narcissist. Not one case of it.
And I’m also going to say to you, I also, honestly, haven’t seen private therapy work for severe trauma, which is what narcissistic abuse is with just logical, talk therapy. And the reasons for that is because the trauma is in our bodies, which I talk about a lot. And we have to a deep inner work and processes on that trauma. And the cognitive part of our brain doesn’t even reach the limbic, emotional feeling, traumatic parts of you that have been damaged. You need something much deeper.
Myself, and so many others tried to no avail to be able to get the work done and the healing and the relief and the power and our souls back by doing the logical talk therapy. But it wasn’t until doing the deep inner work in our bodies, that we were able to reclaim our souls, our lives and absolutely our minds and the directions that we wanted to move into, into abuse-free Thriving lives.
And humbly and proudly, I have seen people receive incredible results with my NARP program over the last 12 years that they just weren’t able to get from regular talk therapy, despite trying for years and even decades, which is what I did too.
Conclusion
I hope that this has helped clarify things for you. And I know that you may be in the shocking frustration of trying joint therapy and really wanting it to work.
What I would love to do is introduce you to another way where you can detach, stop trying to hold the narcissist accountable, which only gets you abused and come home to yourself to a system to heal, which bypasses all of the confusion, the pain and the years and years of trying to work out your relationship and work on yourself. Something that will give you the confidence, strength, and power to release narcissists, narcissistic abuse, and painful relationship patterns.
If you are ready to get out of the insanity, then I can’t recommend my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is known as NARP enough. And the details are in the description of this video, or just click the link above.
Or if you want to find out more about that and experience my healing system, you are more than welcome to come into my free webinar, my Three Keys workshop, and that’s also listed in the description, or you can click the link that’s coming up now. And that’s going to show you and you will experience clarity and real relief very quickly.
I hope today has really helped you realize therapy with a narcissist quite literally doesn’t work and why it doesn’t work. And I’m so looking forward to your comments and your questions below.
Discussing anything with my ex-husband is like: Conversation Circle Circus
I can so relate. Never taking responsibility, never concluded, never ending, turns it back around when getting to the heart of the matter, and there is always a “but” that leads to blaming me.
I have been nonstop abused verbally by my narcissist, we tried couples counseling and he nearly had our therapist convinced I was the source of our problems. Luckily she saw the light and as soon as she began confronting him he dropped out of therapy.
This is absolutely the usual response Lynn,
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie is oooohhh so right about this. I will say directly up front, I am going to counseling. That said, I will also “reveal” that I tend to be a very logical thinker. Some might would deem this “odd” because I am F E M A L E. Guess what? We are out here. We do not all operate from emotion alone! And personally, I am way past over being treated with that “there, there woman” assumption that we are all hysterical females. Yeah, I am aware of the PERVERTED MALE PSYCHO-BABEL that’s been written. Again, I digress. I started with Melanie F I R S T!!! I knew I would have to immediately get some relief from my pain beyond getting away from him. Why? Because my logical still knew that “I didn’t necessarily want to Survive”. Just for the pain to IMMEDIATELY STOP. Her teachings helped immediately stop some of THAT pain. Talk therapy can be a VERY difficult and kinda slow process. I have been to talk therapy more than once and was not able to talk. I was not able to speak, I was soooo upset!!! So I am a believer in her processes. Because I am such a logical thinker, my process unfolds like this…..I Start with my heart, if you will, because, although “logical” my heart has a BIG tendency to override whatever my logical brain “knows you know”, ie: protect your jewels – your HEART and SOUL! Talk therapy for me helps releave my mind in that, I Am Not Going Insane, He’s just making me feel that way. I have always known it would not be a/the cure. i operate at 100% me when my mind and heart are in SINC. Melanie’s Quanta is the HEALING, the one that assures you will never have to suffer again from neither the narcissist or the inner wounds that made you vulnerable to this kind of evil from someone. I won’t be in talk therapy much longer because of Melanie and Quanta. They definately helped save my life and re-teach me that “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW about me!!! and….I AM KIND, GENEROUS, LOVING, SYMPATHETIC, EMPATHETIC, A GOOD FRIEND, SOMETIMES FUNNY, SOMETIMES GOOFY, TRY SOMETHING NEW, SEE SOMETHING NEW, LOVING THE OUTDOORS AND PLANTS, COOKING UP SOMETHING TASTY ….KIND OF GAL!! I would love to have someone like me. oh wait, I DO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHa
My wife was going to individual counseling after we were married and pulled me in with the counseling sessions to focus on our marriage. By the way, she had been in counseling before we were married and on antidepressants. Things turned out exactly the way you described in the video except that the counselor recognized that I was implementing his suggestions and was trying to improve. An example discussion was about how much I was spending on a shampoo called Nioxin to slow down hair loss. I had been using the shampoo for a number of years and spent about $100/year. My wife had a problem with this. The counselor asked how much she spent on hair cuts ($70 per month) and cosmetics. It was obvious that she spent 8x or more than I but she refused to see the inequity. The counselor looked over at me and just shook his head trying to let me know this was going no where. Well, 15 years later I am finally gaining clarity after reading your book about narcissistic abuse and watching these videos. I have learned to expect the craziness and I refuse to engage. I choose to take care of myself and do the things that I enjoy, with or without her.
Hi Darryl,
absolutely the logic is one-sided.
That is great that you have detached and that my information has been able to help you.
Sending you healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
I think it’s time for a divorce
Years ago I went to counselling with my x narc, he read the counsellers weak spots really quickly and used them to get her on side against me. I knew the session wasnt going well but it was all about him and his needs. He used the sessions like a cat , playing with a mouse. Very damaging to me. Do your research and get a counsellor who understands narcissistic personality disorder. …… run.
True for me too!
Hi Mary,
exactly what you have described has happened to SO many people.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I totally agree that narcissists will not change. They lie to be able to reach their goal of being the winner in the relationship. I knew my mother was a narcissist and when she took a situation where I had nothing to do with the event but she tried to make me feel guilty because she “forgave herself but I didn’t “that was the moment of enlightenment for me. That was the last time I spoke to her. I could see how she had manipulated me in the past, how she was manipulating me then and how it would continue till her death. It’s just always about you being the “bad” one with a narcissist. They basically do what they want and you bear the weight of their transgressions. If you continue a relationship with one you will be building up more trauma you have to deal with later. I decided it ended there on that date and I do not for one moment regret it! I believe if you haven’t been abused by a narcissist it is very difficult to truly understand them. I don’t think therapy is the answer. It keeps you hooked into an addictive negativity!It took me 60 years to walk away and after certain episodes it would take me years to see the manipulations that had happened. I really appreciate your insights into narcissists. Everything you say resonates with me. You are doing a wonderful thing speaking out and offering a solution with narp!
Hi Cheryl,
I am so happy for you that you have said no more, and have broken free and are healing.
Thank you for your lovely comment!
Many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Don’t bother – narcissists are not there to fix the relationship. It’s supply that supports the discard….walk away with your dignity and work on yourself.
I so agree Ann!
It’s true
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have been living with him since about 21 years, no contact sonce 2 months in the same house; I know it wont change. I want to take my 14 years middle boy to therapist cause I am observing the traits in him; I hope he is young and can b mould NOW. He has been harceled in primary school oftenly and by my husband as well. Sometimes I was v hard to him as well! I am recovered of NA 95%. But I dont want to lose my boy.
Im so glad I read this today. After 2 years of being apart from me ex. He called the other day and suggested counselling. Ive been tossing it over in my head. But there was doubts there. And I guess I should go with my gut. In the middle of the conversation, of us possibly reconciling, he threw in there that he wanted our photo albums to copy some family photos. I think anyone who was thinking we had a chance of getting back together, wouldn’t be thinking about getting copies of our photos. Thankyou for your article today. I am clear on what I’m doing now.
Hi Lynette,
I’m so happy that this was timely for you.
Forwarned is forearmed.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I suggested we try counselling and he said J should go as all the problems and issues in our relationship are my fault
Had the exact same thing said to me Carolyn .
Gosh Carolyn,
there’s your answer regarding healing the relationship with him!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My Covert Narcissist Ex claimed that our counselor was “coming on” to me, so he didn’t trust him. We went twice and quit. I found a female counselor and he said she was ignorant and bias toward me. He found a counselor that he went to by himself supposedly as an “adult child of alcoholics.” Although I didn’t believe his parents were alcoholics, I figured counseling would still be good for him. After four sessions alone, he said the counselor wanted to see us together. Our session’s focus was how to communicate when we wanted to have sex. I realized he must’ve told the counselor he wasn’t getting enough. Surprise!
I spent 37 years with him trying to figure out how to make him happy, to no avail. Ten years ago, when I got cancer and was unemployed, he discarded me. We divorced and went no contact then. I didn’t discover the term “narcissistic abuse” until four years ago, listening to Melanie and thinking, “omg, this woman is describing my marriage exactly!”
Hi Samantha,
I’m so pleased that you are away from him and in our wonderful community accessing answers and healing.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is interesting. My narc ex said he thought we should do couples counseling, then dumped me when I said yes, that was a good idea. Talk about head spinning. I have been in therapy for myself, and one therapist I had would push me toward him and try to get me to think about how he felt. I have a different therapist now, who helps me with the trauma from my ex. She helped me to realize that he’s a narcissist, and has helped me to heal my childhood traumas that created an easy target for me to fall in love with him. That has been a wonderful gift.
That’s really beautiful Genevieve that you have a conscious counsellor who understands.
Sending you many more blessings and breakthroughs and keep up the great work!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Genevieve
I had a very similar experience with my councillor. In the end she refused to see me because my knowledge of toxic relationships exceeded hers and she ended up asking me for resources. I believe this level of abuse far outweighs a councillors ability. I find they are bound by too many rules and regulations and a lack of power to give straight answers that they don’t know what to do.
All the best to you
TFDU
Hi Melanie
I am a Melbourne based couples therapist and I help my couples connect to their trauma to heal it via the felt sense of the body. This is done gradually bit-by-bit, over time and as a safe space is created in the therapeutic relationship. I bring a balanced approach and do not allow one person to treat the other as broken and I help and support the one in the role as ‘the broken one’ to gradually come out of it. Usually there is a family of origin pattern there to explore also.
The one you call ‘the Narcissist’ I refer to as the one who is strongly defensive (ie. protecting their traumatised little one) and I work to bring safety for them in the therapeutic relationship so that bit by bit they feel safety within themselves.
I have used your program after my own experience of relationship trauma and along with my extensive training which has involved body based therapies, I believe I can trust my own body reactions when I am in the room with what is likely to be someone with NPD (although I do not diagnose) and someone who is being abused. If I suspect abuse, counselling is not viable and even dangerous. I would then refer the couple and or individual to an organisation that can help.
I have an integrative ‘team’ approach to my work and have referred clients to your program who are struggling with going ‘no contact’.
I’m writing this to open a discussion with you because I am willing to learn from you and also share my own knowledge and feelings about this topic.
Thanks for your work in the world.
Warmly Allison
Hi Allison,
it’s lovely to hear from you and thank you for your thoughtful comment. I love that you take individuals inwards to connect inwards and work with the family of origin wounds. Thank you for referring NARP on when applicable!
I support and agree with your approach and also the understanding that abuse isn’t viable for counseling.
Thank you for your integrative and holistic work as well.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This rings so true. We were in couples counselling for 18 months (I know how did we stay so long) but we just did this merry dance and it took the counsellor 3 months to realise that he was manipulating them. He used to give some remorse in sessions and then we’d get in the car and he’d flip it and say “now someone else has told you what you need to do” and i’d be left reeling again. She would try and bring in some accountability – in the end he threatened to leave – and in the end she gave a couple of different counsellor names – this was all on the premise that it would help me but he wouldn’t do any more. I then continued to see her to work out a safe exit plan as I realised there was no way I could work on myself in the relationship – because it would never make any difference to him.
Hi Em,
thank goodness it did come to a close for you … how painful and drawn out!
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
This video is so timely, I left my narc a few weeks ago, I had suggested counseling if he wanted to try being together again, he said he wasn’t keen as they would probably want to talk about the past. This was enough to encourage me in the best direction. Thanks so much Melanie, your videos have given me such strength!
Hi Tanya,
I’m so pleased this has come at the right time.
Absolutely it is your time to detach and heal and please know how welcome you are.
Have you thought about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
I can’t recommend it enough for the stage you are at with this.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
I cannot believe the perfect timing you always have Mel- absolutely uncanny! 👌
I have been concerned for awhile now a friend of mine, (& her children), is in a relationship with (I feel) a narcissist.
You recently reminded & advised your viewers
That you don’t recommend warning others.. & today my friend has informed me that she’s commencing counseling alone for advise & couples therapy.. I opened your email after our conversation to this advice! Absolutely amazing, & I know your intuition guides you straight to the right thing to address each day!
Much love & appreciation for you & all your efforts in helping others through these traumatic situations Xo
I tried couples counseling with my ex and felt that I wasnt getting enough “attention” to reality so I wrote her with REAL LIFE emails which showed the way things REALLY went (gaslighting, demeaning emails about how I was wrong). She chastised me and told me she didnt want these emails and there was nothing to be gained be her reading them! I was flabbergasted!
Melanie is so right!
Our counselor tried to introduce us to “love mapping” which would help us connect to each other. Problem was, I already had done my love mapping… I knew everything there was to know about him. He knew NOTHING about me and when I tried to bring it to his attention that he didn’t listen to my points of view, he argued that he had listened, but somehow his was the only point of view that mattered… he’s more knowledgeable on the subject, always.
My narcissist was an altruistic one, meaning his self worth was also built up by doing good deeds and making sure you KNEW how good a person he was by reminding you. Every time we broke up, he would take it back to “see how much I love you” while chastising me for not being “thankful” enough.
Just when you think you are on the same page, the rug was ripped out beneath you and he had a new demonstration of how wonderful he is and how “bad” you are.
No, there is nothing to be gained from marriage counseling. He told me that the only reason HE tried it was to prove that I was the problem and even said “the counselor agreed with ME not you,” when in reality that never happened.
Hi Renee,
what craziness it is with altruistic narcissism .. you described it perfectly.
So great that you are no longer going through that.
Love, healing and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Lotus,
it’s great that we are in synch!
Wow definitely pass this on to your friend!
Thank you for your love and blessings and please feel mine to you..
Mel 🙏💕💚
It is very true that a narcist did not change. I and my wife were for several (a lot) of therapy sessions and she just blocks when she must change – when she is in the corner – and then therapy is not helpful any more according to her.
A narcist never change. There are many narcists in the world today. Now I know about how they function I can spot them easier.
Thank you Melanie for all your hard work in the background to help survivors of narcist abuse.
It’s my pleasure Pieter,
it’s so great that you know the truth of this
Mel 🙏💕💚
Really great episode Mel – I tried couple counselling with my ex narp many years ago. Totally true – he was charming during the sessions so that I felt maybe I had been over exaggerating the problems and it filled me with self doubt and was just a surreal experience.
He also had a breakdown later and yes, I saw all the remorse, vulnerability and seeming honesty and thought we were finally headed for better things and a deeper mutual understanding. However, as soon as he recovered, back came all the narc tendencies.
The final straw was when I asked him how we could keep communicating as a couple when he was working away – he said this was a totally unreasonable request, he had far too much to think about for himself than to also be considering the impact on me and our family too. When I said I felt it seemed the balance was too much on him he replied (while banging his hand on the table) “It IS all about me!!!”
I ended things a few months later and every day I’m happier, more peaceful, stronger and content and my relationship with my son has become closer and stronger too.
Your work has been such a support during my healing process – thank you 😘
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Thank you!
I’m so happy for you that you are out of this and that you are doing so well for yourself and your son.
Keep up the great work and much love to you both!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Perfect timing! Just yesterday my N husband told me that he would go to couples therapy…but I had to find the therapist, make the appointment and he would attend because I needed it. RED FLAG!
We tried couples therapy several times over the past 20 years. You described perfectly what transpired including him saying the therapist was crazy when she/he struck a nerve, and then of course he quits going.
Mel, thank you so much for sharing your story. NARP is wonderful and is continuing to teach me valuable tools to heal my inner child. Thank you!
Hi Lynn,
yes a massive red flag!
I love that you are working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp, it is such a game-changer in being anchored in truth and being able to generate a true and powerful recovery.
Keep up the great work!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I wish had understood this properly before trying this with my ex-husband. He really reassured me beforehand and I did have hope that things would change. He specifically told me that it was very important that we didn’t use my chronic fatigue as an excuse for the problems between us. When we got there he totally changed and blamed my chronic fatigue on everything. I was just shocked. Unusually the therapist actually phoned me the next day and apologised for having let him speak for the majority of the time. She said she didn’t usually do this. She said she had never seen anyone so defensive before. I felt there was just no point going back with him and she said it would be very difficult. He stopped speaking to me for a while and blamed me for the fact the counselling didn’t work. I really wish I had ended our relationship after that rather than holding on for longer.
So So True was washing the dishes one day when all seemed well, when she suddenly said you know our marriage is Cr-p and iv’e already been to 3 counsellors already, i was shocked and then she said we are going to a counsellor tomorrow too by the way, and i said ok and she said no im too scared to get in the same car with you, Crazy stuff, yes if you really know they are a nark, don’t even bother going to counselling, it can be either very Scary if they let loose or they twist it around so you feel like it’s all your fault, and you will come out thinking “what just Happened” no just run away and Heal, Blessings Col.
Before I left a narcissistic relationship two years ago, I suggested couples therapy. He insisted on choosing the therapist, which I agreed to with final approval. After four months of not even looking for a therapist, he made excuses when I decided to end the relationship. It’s amazing that I was saved the couple counseling drama because of his deep desire to protect his false self.
Melanie I experienced this as well and also got lucky with a therapist who in 2 minutes said to me, “you are with a narcissist get out immediately”, she found me an attorney and a supporting network and ultimately I found you, thank you! My dilemma is now I am in a good marriage but my husband is co-parenting with a narcissist and his daughter lives with us part time. She has lots of narc tendencies and we are in constant court battles and investigations that COVID has delayed. I have been sharing your program with my husband and he is working on them occasionally. I am doing my best to take good care of myself but everything I know about narc abuse says to walk away from this sort of danger. It’s not really my drama but I am living it as a step mom and it is causing lots of triggers and I cry every day and am up for hours each night. I am doing more modules but I don’t know how to take care of myself right now and I love my husband. I really need help Mel!
Thank you for this video! You are absolutely right that therapy can only help if people want to do the hard work of change. I am a therapist and I have grown immensely from my own therapy, and I’ve been honored to watch people bloom and grow. “Modern” psychology and psychiatry has never been successful with people who have personality disorders. And those with NPD do run for the hills when confronted by the therapist, or they try to charm the therapist. I think everything you’ve said in this video is spot on!! Keep preaching Melanie! 🙂
My husband walked out in the middle of our 4th session because the therapist kept pushing him to take accountability.
That’s when I decided, I was done and I was not going to put up with anymore of this.
I like the term you used earlier in the video when describing what a narcissist will do in couples therapy, the term twist back. Great choice of words.
Interesting topic as always.
Couples therapy with a narcissist? No. Been there, done that.
Not worth the time, effort or money.
Just more running in circles.
Right on Melanie! Tried and failed with therapy sessions as a couple. Yes, the narcissist made it sound like I was the only problem. He told me, he told the counsellor what she wanted to hear!? You’re program is amazing! I am free from being triggered by his games and abuse. He’s backed off. How long will that last…
I also have a narcissist colleague who tried to take me down; she’s told lies and has discredited me at work for no reason other than I was a threat to her False Self. Your program helps immensely! She can’t trigger me like she once did. Now she stays clear of me. These narcissists are still in some way part of my life. One day I will be narcissistic free; of that I am sure. Much gratitude to you!!
I remember going to couple counseling she was a really smart woman and she saw right though Dave, privately she suggested I get a divorce she told there is nothing she can do for him, no injection to give him, that he who start caring for me and the children, she was so right. He hated her like all women, he was so disrespectful and of course everything was my fault he was as a piece of work! I just wanted to let you know I refer him always as Dave never as a husband he never embraced that role and in turn I never felt I was married, I never had a equal loving partner, some how with my toxic childhood marriage wasn’t in my cards, the mother role yes, love those children, now adult children I when to hell and back for those children, he is dead now 11 years , we are all thriving, my scars are their and every so often I can’t believe what I went through, he was so evil toxic insecure individual, look back is painful, fixing eyes ahead and all my blessings. Thanks Mel
For sincronicity, I have found this article just some hours before our first appointment with a couple therapyst.
Melanie, are you advising to talk with the therapist about the narcissistic abuse trauma, to understand if she knows the issue or am I wrong?
Hi Amelie,
of course your decisions are yours regarding what you choose to do here.
In my humble opinion, it doesn’t matter what she will and won’t know, everything I stated in this episode is the possibilities of what will unfold.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie…I had been seeing a great counselor and everytime I met with him, I had a different excuse of my unhappiness not realizing it was my ex husband causing me to be depressed, severe anxiety etc. I begged him several times to come and just sit in on one of my sessions…he finally agreed saying “only if I can talk to him first, alone”. Right then I knew I was dealing with a man of false self.
My ex husband is a narcissist and I had been going to counseling for myself, he didn’t think he needed it. I begged him to go to one session with me and he finally agreed…he said “only if I can talk to him first alone”. I laughed, shook my head and walked away…that was my answer!
Oh yes, Jen that was your answer!
Sending power and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Essentially we say that everything is the narcissist’s fault as well. Don’t we expect the counselors or anyone for that matter to see their faults and want them to see who the “Real” problem is? After all don’t we blame them for all the craziness? And how they hurt us? And why we have issues and do and say things that are inappropriate? What is the difference between what we are saying and doing and what proceeds from their mouths? Come on, let’s be honest at least. We want the counselors and other people to take our side and see our truths. Yeah I went to counseling with this person. Yes they believed him. Yes he convinced them I am the narc, I am abusive and yes I am the problem. It left me feeling totally broken. .
I have ended up on your blog because my spouse has asked for a divorce. We have been having issues because of several issues we have had (started with him going to strip clubs, watching porn in the car & office, and finally an emotional affair) issues that were ongoing and I was unable to become “okay” after all this and asked for complete transparency and intention to work on mending our relationship. He then has been distant for months and had even said “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and also said “we are a family I love you let’s work on things and be together” then after a couple of months he became completely distant and emotionally detached. He broke to me that he wants a divorce after I repeatedly asked what was wrong. He said during a recent argument I disrespected him and that he has noticed that I don’t ask about his medicines, and show care towards him. I have found that he went to counseling on his own and I found a book in his belongings that was about “disarming the narcissist”. It looks like he believes me to be a narcissist. I am heartbroken. I don’t know if I truly am that way. I was just upset about the things he did and wanted him to show some true remorse and reassurance. Now he has claimed to family that I’m very combative and uncaring, disrespectful, etc.. painting me the bad character in the marriage. I am not a saint but I wanted to have equal respect and not be constantly criticized for everything that is perceived as “not ok” or “not enough”. I have two small kids and I believed we are just two people who are hurt with bad communication cycles and have not sought help at the right time and can still be reconciled. I asked to go to couples therapy.. he has refused. I also said “maybe I will go alone to see what I can fix to make this right” to which he scoffed and said “what are you gonna go and do alone?!” I am at a standstill. He has made it clear he doesn’t love me anymore and I don’t know what to do. Am I the narcissist? Am I the one who doesn’t deserve love? It is unbearable and I have apologized sincerely for any hurts and have asked for a chance to fix this marriage but it feels hopeless.
Hi Renee,
my heart goes out to you.
Dear Lady, I know you are feeling a lot of pain and trauma right now, and please know you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t wish to do.
Your only option is to let go and heal you, for you, NOT him, and then see where it all lands.
I would love to suggest to you my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar which is incredibly empowering and healing for any relationship trauma and could give you clarity, and answer many questions for you right now.
It is my highest suggestion for you right now.
Please know I don’t believe from what you have written that you are a narcissist – at all.
Sending love, hugs and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚