I’m really eager to share today’s video with you, because it will provide you with so much clarity on how our beliefs regarding relationships keep us trapped in abuse.
We want to believe that people are loyal, dedicated, and honest.
We convince ourselves that others are supportive and caring and that humanity is about having other people’s interest at heart.
So, we’re shocked and in deep denial when we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who purposefully exploits and destroys other people for their own gain. And our head spins when we realize that these toxic people suffer zero moral consequences for doing what they do.
Today’s Thriver TV episode is all about explaining to you how you need to face the truth to be able to protect yourself from narcissists. How refusing to accept the facts, when they are clear as day, will only further destroy you.
The truth truly sets you free – watch the video (or read the transcript) to learn how to get on the path of graduation, liberation and empowerment.
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about our expectation that the narcissist is meant to love us and how this belief can keep us trapped in abuse.
Before I start, if you are new to my information, if you’ve had enough of the pain of narcissistic abuse and toxic and disappointing relationships, then make sure you subscribe to my channel, press a notification button so that you are notified every time I do a new release.
Our Beliefs Regarding Relationships
Let’s get started with today’s very important conversation. I want to start off with looking at our beliefs regarding relationships.
Good people believe other people are meant to be good people. We believe things like blood is thicker than water with family and spouses and love partners are supposed to be loyal and dedicated and honest. Systems and authorities are supposed to be supportive and caring. And that humanity is about having other people’s best interests at heart.
Now, here is the huge problem with this belief. Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths don’t have other people’s best interests at heart.
In fact, they purposefully exploit and destroy other people for their own gain and they actually suffer zero moral consequences for doing so – they don’t feel guilty. A narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath, – I don’t want you to get too hung up on the differences between those three – because suffice to say, other people are objects to them to be used for their own gain.
They don’t suffer a moral dilemma for emptying out and using other people to prop up their own superiority or gain resources or notoriety. They have no problems with using other people and discarding them when they’re emptied out or even possibly destroying them to fulfill their own agenda.
Not only are they capable of doing this, they’re also masterful in twisting facts and gas lighting and doing double speak and lying to make you go along with your own demise.
If you try to resist this, the ante will be upped with more insidious coercion, anxiety-inducing threats and devaluing, threatening you with discards, and also smear campaigns that turn other people against you.
These people exist in all walks of life. This is a hard thing to face, but it’s true and we need to face it to be able to protect ourselves against it. They could be a family member, they could be in your personal and your professional life. They could be a spouse, a love partner, a friend, a therapist.
You may not like this fact, but it is a fact. Facts only destroy you when you refuse to accept them. That’s what we mean by the truth sets you free. This is only possible when you open your eyes to facts, empower yourself and know how to create your life to be impervious to narcissistic people and systems rather than choosing to not want to look at it and be stuck in unreal expectations of narcissistic people.
I really want to say it time and time again, there are more inherently good people in the world than narcissistic people. I know that might be hard to believe, but it’s true. Often it’s the narcissistic people that have to convince you that humanity is evil. It’s not. Narcissistic lies and behaviour are. Humanity is beautiful.
So how do you know and navigate the difference?
Well, first of all, we have to stop our involvement with narcissism and we have to stop rolling around with it and trying to force it to be a certain way because it just isn’t. We can only do this when we change our expectations, our cognitive dissonance, and the dream of what we do want, which of course is, this personal system has my best interest at heart, just because you think it should.
The truth can only set you free when you choose to identify something or someone is narcissistic and start seeing it clearly and without fear – choose your own light. So it’s like being a light standing in the darkness as your light.
Letting Go Of Dependencies
Let’s look at how to choose you and your light.
Letting go of dependencies is such a powerful part of this because so often we live the cognitive dissonance of expecting a narcissistic parent, lover, friend, boss, therapist, or situation to have your best interest at heart … even though what you’re experiencing is pain, anxiety, and confusion.
You’re in there experiencing it and choosing to have this experience because you have a dependency on this person or this structure, and you’re thinking, “I need my mother or father’s approval and love. My child has to love me and accept me. If I don’t make it work with this person, I’ll be alone again. I don’t want to have to go through a divorce and lose the home. I need this job to survive to put food on the table. If I don’t comply to this situation, I won’t be able to operate.”
When we do this, and I want to just be really straight with you, we’re in even more than cognitive dissonance – we’re selling our Soul.
In my life, when I made decisions from lack, limit, fear, and clinging on, despite everything screaming at me how bad things were and that they were getting worse, all the things that I thought I would get or save by hanging on got stripped away anyway.
But worst of all, I kept losing more and more pieces of my Soul. To the point where I really didn’t even want to live anymore. When I stopped saying, “This is meant to work out, just because I want it to. And I’m sure he, she or they do really care about me.” Then when the real-life proof of my escalating anxiety, shattered ability to function, greater restrictions and declining health kept happening and I got it and I instead finally said to myself, “This is not right. This is decidedly abusive.”
When I decided to honour and listen to my Soul and detach and pull away to heal myself, first of all, just to get clarity and stop touching a stove that kept burning me, that’s when empowerment came and my life took off in incredible ways that I could never have even realized were possible.
I now unapologetically honour my Soul. It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, lover, friend or any system that you can imagine. If it’s not based in honesty, partnership, authenticity, transparency, and care, it’s not my reality.
I’m not here to agree and go along to get along, I’m here to be true. Such is the spiritual warrior path of graduation, liberation and empowerment when we choose our Soul over dependencies on others and hand away our power to stuff that’s not our true covenant to Source as an unlimited universal oneness.
We step into universal oneness and unlimited resources of support when we align with the truth of who we really are. Who we really are is a fractal, a part of Source expressing unlimited potential when we align with what is true and right with Source and with our Soul.
Not Wanting To Accept Truths
So often we’re handing our power away because we don’t want to accept truths. Many lovely people can barely get their heads around that nasty people and things exist and that they pretend to be what we trust, but they can be self-serving exploitative people in situations.
A lot of people can’t get their head around that and this is a big problem because these people, like my former self, will keep trying and trying to fix, amend, and love people or acquiesce to try to appease these people in their situations, despite getting destroyed in meantime. It’s an even greater stretch for so many lovely people to accept that the very people and situations that we thought existed to love us and look after us could actually be twisted, nefarious and abusive.
It feels really personal, it feels like it’s going to shatter our very identity because we feel we need these people and things in our life for it to work. We believe we can’t exist without them. Yet, can you see that this is your greatest gift to autonomy to, without conditions, stand as the light, face things squarely, identify who and what does or doesn’t have the resources to be the light. As well as choose appropriately, align with what does and move on from what doesn’t.
We’ve all been programmed to not look at what is horrifying. You may have seen the movies, and I heard this analogy the other day from somebody who is a public speaker and I won’t mention their name, but it was really fascinating and it’s so true. He was saying that in movies we’ve watched when people are hiding under the bed or there’s a boogieman under the bed, we don’t want to peek out because if you peeked out from under the bed, the assaulter might grab you and get you so don’t look and that way you’re going to be safe.
In other horror movies, it’s so disturbing, ghastly and devastating, complete with blood curdling, spine spiking music that you can’t look, you don’t want to look because it’s too much.
We have been programmed to not want to see the truth. We don’t want to acknowledge it. We all knew inside, with narcissistic abuse, the shocking truths that we didn’t want to know. We ignored them, we hid from them, and we even defended them, we even attacked other people that tried to point them out to us because we didn’t want that version to be true.
But not facing reality doesn’t mean it goes away. Reality does grab us out from under the bed and reality when we don’t want to look at it – is devastating to our very core. As we all discovered, there was no avoiding these truths in the end and so many people, including myself, said, “I wish I’d faced this, I wish I knew.” We didn’t want to face it.
The reason that what unfolded was so painful and so impacting was because we avoided the truth. We refused to look at and accept the truth for so long and what was doubly devastating was it related to the very people in our world that we’ve been programmed to trust.
Again, as an empowered autonomous being creating and generating your true life, your Source real true self in life – Source and healthy Life Force is your sustenance and it’s unlimited. It is not a singular or even a group or even a system of a false Source which is, without you realizing it, even though you know it, using you as their own exploitive prop. It doesn’t matter who or what or how significant the personal situation is in your life, your True Self and Source is unlimited.
So to have a great life, no matter what, you have to accept the truth, because then you can start aligning with and living the results of your real life, honouring your True Self.
So how do you live in the truth?
How To Live In Truth
Inner healing is so powerful because it helps you get clear on what truth and real values are, and I’m going to give you some really powerful takeaways right now about some fundamental truths. This is what it is.
Any functional relationship, as a baseline requirement, has to have care, transparency and honesty. Somebody’s words with actions that don’t match the words is not caring about you, it’s not. People who shame you, twist blame back onto you, marginalize you and invalidate you, don’t care about you. Someone who hides facts and smears you when you want answers and proof to things, is not a good person and is not to be trusted.
They’re lying to you, and they’re violating you for their own gain. People who lie are violating you and they’re exploiting you because if they had nothing to hide, that wasn’t damaging to you that they didn’t want you to find out, they would just grant you the truth openly on the table.
The truth always comes up to the surface, and it does, and when we were in narcissistic relationships, the truth came. We started to get the information about what was going on. The dots become so obvious; they are overlapping.
If we’re handing power away, we get talked out of the truth, yet we know the reasons and the excuses are so lame and ridiculous that your head spins. That’s why you are in those ridiculous arguments with a toxic person because what’s coming out of their mouth is ridiculous.
Toxic people don’t make sense. They lie a lot. They have to. They can’t tell you what their true intentions are because it’s all about their own gain and control at your expense. Toxic relationships with people in situations are marked by – this is how you can tell – shifting goal posts, false promises and unverifiable facts spoken as if they’re true. There are excuses and blame throwing when things don’t add up or don’t turn out as promised. And there’s doing the same things over and over and over with the same bad results and not growing, healing or improving so things get worse and worse and worse.
Even if you have been roped into thinking that you’re to blame, which of course you do, it’s so important to pull away, let go, pull away, get space, start healing, and then clarity will come. The most powerful path is to make things right between yourself and Source to do that inner work, to connect back to who you truly are. And reset into the ability to create a life that makes sense. Toxic relationships don’t make sense.
Then when you become a generator of sense and what’s sensical, which means healthy, caring, and safe, you will know what you will and won’t accept. Honesty, care and transparency are the basic fundamental rights of any relationship, no matter who it is with. And you no longer try to make people behave in this Soul fundamental way, which is a basic necessity. You’re not trying to get somebody to fly to the moon and back. Care and honesty and transparency are baseline requirements, they’re nothing special.
You will know who doesn’t have the desire or the capacity to meet you at that fundamental level. Basic human fundaments cannot be taught. They either exist or they don’t. If a Soul is rotten, it’s rotten – period. It’s not your responsibility to fix it. It’s your responsibility to pull away and not be infected by it so that you can stop the rot spreading into your passions, your missions, your loved ones and that which is dear to your heart. Don’t let it infiltrate your contribution to this planet as the spirit in a human being that you are.
In Conclusion
My biggest message for you today is face the truth squarely. Yes, it will be painful. Yes, you will need to recover and heal. That’s all a part of the spiritual warrior’s journey and it’s the Thriver’s journey. But know you will get out of the fire that is burning you alive, come out the other side and finally be set free. Then you will know what your life is and you’ll start generating it.
In the Thriver path, it’s my greatest mission to help you achieve this, and to do that, I so know that it’s about releasing the binds and the dependencies, the cognitive dissonance and releasing the trauma of the horror and the shock and the fallout of accepting what’s happened to you so that you can claim your graduation liberation and your true Thriver’s life.
And NARP, with that deep inner healing that you can do on your programs and your trauma to live free of that, is the most powerful way I know how to do it. For those of you who have been working with NARP and you want to further catapult into a life free of narcissistic abuse and really anchor into your power to create an incredible life, check out the Empowered Self Course, it powerfully helps you get there.
I hope this has made sense. I’d love to know how you feel about this. Where are you with still being stuck in those love bonds, to people that are hurting you or are you starting to accept the truth and come back to loving your Soul and honouring a life that works.
The truth is girls are not my friend. I wasn’t in a narc relationship until jealous girls and bizarre guys into Christ nonsense thought their bad magic would be healthy. #nonuts #noreligiousnuts #noscams #nowitchcraft 😷
Thank you! So few understand this, yet you just described my situation clearly as you have in your other posts.
Yes, there are systems as well as people who we need to ‘see’ – and face the cold reality. We cannot comply. Your message was received and I thank you. Needed to hear this from you today.
Hi Debra,
I’m really pleased that this spoke to you today!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Your ‘Face the Truth’ is spot on. Took a year to today to totally get it! Thank you for getting me through. Its not fun.. yet totally necessary. And….will be, and now is, fun
Hi John,
you should be so proud of you!
I love that you are determined and recognising that this recovery is such an upgrade, to an even BETTER Self!
I love that level of Thriving. Keep working through and healing Russ. Her, as a catalyst in your life, is the springboard to True Self Love and then healthy True Love.
Brilliant!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Joyful hugs Melanie! Your passion and your insights continue to uplift me!
Hi Bill,
how lovely of you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hey you so write narc are so cruel they even destroy their own kids ask them if you have a relationship with your mother forget about me my kids are sitting in a fence its so sad but as for me Im finally free from the spell and emotions a stable tx to you lots of love
Thank you, Mel, for this conversation! You cut through the shit and squarely face the truth of the thinking and behavior of a narc. I can see the narc pattern all around … not just in my family and ex-partners.
Lovely Melanie,
I love this post. I feel so close to you in Spirit and Understanding. Your articles are always so perfectly timed, I am sure they are directly from God.
I found that falling deeply in love with TRUTH is easiest way to honor real Love above all delusions or infatuations.
We might WANT to believe something is true even if it FEELS wrong (doesn’t fit, doesn’t add up, is inconsistent, is confusing, makes us nervous or anxious, etc), but when we LOVE really LOVE The TRUTH, we simply can not get mesmerized by lies. We become gaslight proof. We become Narc proof because we have loved and sought out the Truth first and foremost.
It is like the relationship we have with TRUTH – or HONESTY is a shield, a safe house, a delightful retreat place. We refuse to deceive ourselves because we are faithful to our Truth within.
We LIVE IN and WITHIN Truth, we do not need fake stuff from outside. We can always spot a counterfeit. It is a beautiful, rich place to live and it leads us to recognition of Love.
Love is so beautiful. It has none of the fear, trauma, pain, confusion, anxiety, insecurity, pining, longing, sorrow, anger, defeat, depression, hope and let down cycles, etc. that fake “likes” have.
Love is beautiful. Love is simple. Love creates. Love is expansive and life-giving. Love does not force. Love does not feel like an obligation or a debt or a duty. Love is comfortable. Love is an actual thing in itself. Love feels like a gift we are given. Love is a frequency that we recognize.
When we love Truth first, we will want a match that also loves Truth.
That’s why we are all here reading your posts Melanie. We need to keep reminding ourselves of what the Truth is saying so we can tune into it.
Just as you Iris are a channel from God also …
That’s why we deeply resonate!
I adore all that you have written. Thank you for sharing so freely here. It’s incredibly inspirational for all who read your words.
So much love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Ps.
It is FACING the Truth and embracing it that sets you free.
Otherwise, the Truth, like any information that is not integrated into our life and heart, will do nothing for you.
Facing the Truth. FACING it will begin to set you free. EMBRACING it will take you all the way.
Thank God for courage to do so.
Expansive! Thankyou Iris!
LOVE THIS!
Iris …
Mwah
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Mel,
This is one of the most important videos you have made that has touched me deeply. Facing the truth is still so challenging after a 24 year marriage now divorced, I’m still challenged. Because now at age 71 they have decided to self isolate from everyone. From what I read a narcissistic collapse. My leaving, fleeing, and going no contact with a year long divorce that was highly contentious left me standing in truth. They, however, are in isolation and collapse facing their truth. I’m just having a challenge facing the truth that still they would rather isolate than get help. Yes, I have to face the truth, or I get sucked into their infectious way of life, and why that is their choice to isolate and not infect anyone else. I just do not understand that as an answer. You are amazing, and as I settle into my life I will have more room for the NARP program. Still it is so so challenging to not have hope and see and face the truth. I will likely watch this video again.
Much Love…..
My Narc – 34 years of marriage – strong armed me and threw me out like a piece of trash with not enough resources to survive plus smear campaign. (Was good news – I learned emotional control and he wasn’t getting enough suffering response from me.)
Focused. Asked Questions
1How did I get here?
2How can I make sure it never happens again?
Realized I had traumas he was exploiting.
Get leverage – he doesn’t know where I live – can’t get to me physically.
Heal traumas as soon as the wounding appears = no longer vulnerable = free to roam the world – I can spot them coming down the street.
Don’t have to run and hide.
Divorce? Rebecca Zung – she Aces it. (On line)
I was naive – not a victim (or downward spiral)
An Alfa predator successfully targeted me.
I took responsibility.
I learned resiliency and wisdom and developed depth of character.
You can too.
Hi Roberta,
thank you for your share.
Rebecca is great – her work is so compatible with the beautiful members of our community!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Ahh-mazing video Melanie! There’s so much here on so many levels I know I’m going to be watching this again and again over the next couple days to let it all sink in. Thank you so much. You truly are a Godsend and you and your NARP program have helped me in so many ways.
I love how you mentioned how we are conditioned by horror movies to hide from the monsters. I was just thinking the other day that “horror movies should be made illegal” (not really, just having fun) because the villain or the monster is always very “obvious” – think Freddy Kruger, Jason, the nun from The Conjuring Part II and so on. They are all very inhuman and are easy to spot in their appearance and behavior. Everyone can point to the monster and scream, run away, panic and so on. In that, we are conditioned to believe that monsters are always “obvious”, ugly and extreme in their behavior. What we don’t learn is that some of the worst monsters in our lives are beautiful, meek, charming, seemingly generous and so on. We learn to not trust our instincts and forgive way too easily because after all, “Who is perfect?” we say to ourselves or worse yet, we are made to feel guilty or ashamed for “judging”. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not suggesting we judge harshly or not forgive others, but I think all of this conditioning sets us up to not listen to our true selves which contributes to our victimization. I guess that we have to remember that not all monsters come in scary and ugly packaging.
Hi Michelle,
I’m glad this has helped!
I completely agree with you.
Our conditioning has been awful … it is time to take our power back!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel,
I was freed by NARP ten years ago and have thrived ever since. I thought I was finished with narcissists until I recognised the same energy at work on a global scale. Thankyou for giving me the tools. This time it is so much easier.
Cheers Jane 🙂
Wow Jane
That
Is
Exactly
True.
We are living in a narcissistic realm of existence. Every single construct of human civilization, even and especially religion, have all the trimmings of Narcissistic relationships.
We never measure up to the advertisements or models of so called perfection we are supposed to sacrifice our beings to become like.
Then EVEN IF ACHIEVED the promised joy they’re supposed to bring are deceptions.
I think this is what the 2nd commandment is really about. The FALSE IMAGES OF HUMANITY are not to replace the Core Divine Being we are really ONE with within.
It is a COSMIC HEALING going on here at Melanie’s house ( consciousness).
Thank you for writing about the global presence of narcissism being uncovered on Earth now . I was thinking this exact thing. A Sadistic, and Masochistic opposite of TRUTH and LOVE.
Hi Iris,
Yes bring on the Cosmic Healing.
Cheer Jane 🙂
Hi Jane,
I so love that you have! Please know how welcome you are.
Beautiful to hear from you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you so much Melanie for letting me know about the how the nar has been in my life trying to control it for over 40 years. You cover every base about what i have been going through and how what this person says are does makes t no sense and how he uses people for his own gain and gets people in his corner to fight me. It is like I have had to fight against the whole world in this relationship everyone is right but me. Thank you so much for letting me know that what i have always said about him is true. This video has shown me my life right in front of my face.
Hi Peggyb,
I’m thrilled this has brought you clarity.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
goodmorning gorgeous melanie, i must confess without your platform informing me on what was happening in my life while with the narc i must say i would have been doomed from this life he was really trying to take me out, at one point i thought i was losing my mind this person was such a monster it terrified me when the mask fell off i never seen a person eyes that were so black i cried like a baby scared of what he might do to me at that moment, after educating myself on this disorder help me gain clarity it was’nt my fault that he had a bad childhood experience so did i but i was able to come clean with myself and my trauma childhood it does’nt give me the right to go around hurting others bcuz of my upbringing i realize this person was very traumatize in his childhood that evryone he comes in contact with he tries to destroy them i just wanna thank you so much for your blogs they really help me to go in and heal my inner wounds i can say for sure i’m free and feels so good to be back in reality i hope to never again go to that dark place ever again i’m thankful for the experience it taught me that everyone is not like me and i can give back to the community by helping someone else out who may be experiencing the same thing it’s been a year now and i’m all smiles with so much positivity ahead of me i go my groove back not in a relationship now bcuz i love this peace i have and the alone time has done justice for me ……to all stay strong we got this !!!!
Recently, the verse “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” came to me repeatedly throughout the week. And now your post! The universe is trying to get me to notice this for sure. Thank you! I was raised by a narc and married one (28 years) and still married. I’ve been conditioned to think my opinions and feelings are not a priority. Therefore, I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t have opinions on what I want. I’ve been on a journey of discovery about narcs and why I’m here today trying to heal. My biggest obstacle is learning to speak my truth. It’s so hard for me because as a co-dependent, I feel responsible for my husbands life and don’t want to hurt him. I know this means that my own needs get pushed aside. I need to learn somehow to heal my inner wounds and find my voice. The emotional and mental abuse is horrible and I keep taking it. (ugh) I had started with NARP but recently have not been doing it. I’ve been finding it hard to focus as my brain is reeling on 12 things at once. Thanks for the inspiration!
Informative. You touch on some great points- mainly that these types of people do not want happiness for us and they only want to control us. That is a hard pill to swallow, that people are really that uncaring, but I know from personal experience you are right. Keep sharing this info, I think it can be so helpful to so many people.
Thank you so much Mel! 🙏
I completely agree, I always thought I was someone who saw the good in people but I’m realising that doesn’t mean I have to minimise the bad. Opening my eyes to it to allow me to heal 💕
Your emails and this community are getting me through a tough time at the moment x
It’s my pleasure Whiskeynwater,
I’m so happy that I can help you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋