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I talk in the Community a lot about how important it is to become a source to ourselves to stop handing power over to narcissists – False Selves. And also so that we become powerful creators of our lives without dependence on anyone else to provide it for us.

And then I realised – I had never done a Thriver TV episode specifically on this!

In today’s video, I will address the four key elements of self: self-love, self-approval, security and survival and how you can identify if you are deficient in some or all of these areas.

Personally, beforeΒ recovering from narcissistic abuse, despite appearing outwardly that I had my life together, I was a complete disaster in all of these areas.

And the crazy thing was because I had never known any different – until narcissistic abuse and my inner healing work withΒ  Quanta Freedom Healingβ„’ – it had never occurred to me. I had simply been operating as my β€œnormal”.

How was our natural sense of self-love, self-acceptance, and feeling secure enough to generate our security and survive compromised?

What painful states does this bring? If we haven’t healed these commodities yet, how do we unconsciously try to feel whole in these areas? What is it specifically that we need to do to be able to heal and shore up these areas within us?

In today’s video, I share with you how I used to be deficient in ALL of these areas, why this was, and how I could harness the powerful lessons of narcissistic abuse so that I could evolve into a powerful source to myself.

 

Video Transcript

Hi, and welcome to Thriver TV, the place to break free with quantum tools and understandings. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

So earlier this week, I did the episode about forgiving ourselves, and I talked about Mercy and how she always needed to be with a man to feel like she had an identity and how she’d not yet learned how to be a source to herself.

The truth is Mercy was me, Mercy was so many of us, and this episode is not just for women it’s for all of us. Because regardless of our gender, age, sexual orientation or any classification, we may not have been a whole source to ourselves before and during narcissistic abuse.

In today’s Thriver TV show, I will share with you information about all of this and how I became a source to myself and how that happened.

It’s my deepest wish that if you’re struggling with this, there will be some powerful takeaways that can help you break through into becoming your whole source. So let’s start with what it feels like when we’re not a source to ourselves, and please know… Tiggy’s hair. Oh gosh, you need a brush.

 

The Contextual Field of Duality

In the contextual field of duality, it isn’t until we start shifting out of an experience that we can even understand what that experience was. In short, like so many of us, I had no idea that I wasn’t a source to myself when I wasn’t. Because I was surviving in life as normal, just doing my thing like in times of anxiety and depression, self-medicating myself with distractions and activities.

A bit like getting distracted with Tiggy’s hair now, and I just thought that distractions and activities were just the healthiest choices that people could make.

People say, “Well, to stop feeling that, distract yourself with something positive.” For all of it, it’s only when the unconscious becomes conscious that we can start to understand that we’re suffering from something and generally that deficit or gap that we are suffering.

It’s just got to be so big and impactful that life can no longer go on as normal to get our attention, and that’s exactly the gift of narcissistic abuse.

The trauma is so big that it well and truly has our attention, and with that comes the choices. Are we going to awaken and take radical 100% responsibility to say there’s a reason that this has happened in my life, and what can I learn from this and heal myself from? Or we keep looking outwards at the narcissist and never achieve any of this.

I talk about not being a source to ourselves a lot because this, in a nutshell, is what makes us susceptible to narcissists, and it was the thing that I needed to heal hugely within myself. When we aren’t whole, we unconsciously seek it. We seek it from others if we’re not creating it for ourselves.

On the quantum level of so within, so without. If we’re not whole, we can only seek and generate relationships with people who will grant us more of that, more fractures and evidence of us not being whole. I speak about these essential four inner commodities that allow us always to be a source of self. Love, approval, security and survival.

 

Let’s Start With Love

If we’ve been brought up with a critical parent voice where we felt judged, not good enough, defective, untrustworthy, bad, selfish or whatever it is. Or if we were abandoned by someone unavailable to love us emotionally or literally.

As children, we didn’t feel lovable as ourselves, and therefore, we don’t love ourselves as adults, we still have that critical inner parent voice within us. Our self-talk is full of recriminations, conditional love and even self-loathing.

Therefore, if someone comes along and starts telling us lovely things about ourselves, we will drink from their will like a parched person in a desert.

Interestingly enough, as a side note, I later discovered that if my true self said something lovely, I couldn’t accept it. But if false selves were putting on the charm to lovebomb me and get what they wanted from me, I bought the scam hook, line and sinker, not knowing that unconsciously we’re a match which went like this. I think badly about myself. Therefore, I can accept bad people treating me the same, which was unconscious.

But that’s what was going on, and those were the ones that would get through our relationship filter, the people that matched the composition of our inner being.

So what are the feelings of not loving ourselves? It feels like this. An emptiness, a disconnection, a missing out, feeling alone and lonely, not feeling whole and like our greatest fear could happen. That we could die without being loved by someone for real and that our whole life could end up being a failure if we don’t achieve that is how I felt totally.

I didn’t realize back then that the only person who ever needed to love me was me, and then the rest of life and others would organically follow. I used to seek other people to heal this stuff to get love and feel lovable, whereas we can only be loved and lovable.

How I healed this essential source of self-commodity was to target the traumas in my body about feeling bad, unlovable, defective, not worth loving, etc.

I found as I released this one by one and brought sources of love in with Quanta Freedom Healingβ„’ to replace the traumas. I was filled with love and experienced self-love, no longer did the emptiness exist or the feeling that love was missing. No longer was I approaching love like a starving person willing to accept any version so that I didn’t go without, and I promise you neither will you.

 

 

The Next Commodity Is Self-Worth

This follows from a lack of self-love. When we don’t love ourselves, we’re not capable self to ourselves. Emotionally we have fractures inside where we were never able to grow our resilience or our ability to endure disappointments or have the capacity to self-soothe effectively.

We don’t trust our senses, our intuition. We don’t know ourselves as a connected source to all that is and how capable we are. We feel small, dependent, reliant, anxious and panicked when things go wrong rather than knowing we have control of ourselves and can be our quantum creator from a solid inner landscape.

We try to control things outside of ourselves, discover it’s fruitless and then get more out of control on the inside. As the panic escalates, we may hand power over, trying to get others to look after us and hurt ourselves even more.

Our choice of addictions and bad relationships to try to self-medicate the anxiety and depression we feel strip our self-worth more and more and more.

We don’t feel blessed by life, and we feel like abundance, love, and joy will never be granted to us, and we must be unworthy of these things.

So when a narcissist turns up as the consummated actor of love, abundance and joy in spades, that is the parade we want to join, and we do.

Because we think finally, someone will provide us with a life of worth that will take away all the pain we feel inside of not feeling worthy. This was my life and my story. I didn’t have self-love. As a result, I didn’t have self-worth. How did I heal this?

I went through all the trauma of believing I’d lost my life due to losing everything I thought I had with a narcissist and filled with those traumas with source, with Quanta Freedom Healingβ„’.

A lot of it was module two work in NARP, and as I filled with life force, I expanded into life and felt worthy of it and then started generating all of that for real on my own, directly connected to the source of life.

Whenever I encounter a block in my expansion, a limiting belief, or a comfort zone, please know comfort zones are never comfortable. They’re very uncomfortable because our soul wants to expand past that. So in those, I blew them out of my body with Quanta Freedom Healingβ„’, and I brought in more sources and just kept expanding, growing and experiencing more and more worthiness and courage and confidence and consequently more and more of life, and by doing so, you will too.

 

The Next Commodity Is Security

If we don’t have self-love and self-worth and make decisions that match deficient self-love and self-worth, our life will feel precarious, and we’ve likely lost security and suffer disappointments.

Likely, we still carry limiting beliefs from our ancestors and families, such as, “I can’t survive without a man if we’re female. Life is tough, things always go wrong, and you must always have a plan because something does go wrong.”

Maybe our money beliefs are skewed, such as, “Money is the root of all evil. You can’t be a good person and have success and wealth, or whatever I’m going to make, somebody will take it away from me.”

Maybe you were brought up with a poverty consciousness or a dependent consciousness, such as your mother always needing a man or social security to survive, or your father as well needing social security to survive, maybe because we were always protected by a parent that took over all of the security stuff for us.

We never knew what it was to create and generate our financial security, and we were never allowed to grow into that power.

If one of the commodities is out of whack, the others will suffer too, and if you haven’t as yet got self-love and self-worth, you won’t have the ability generally to be a whole source of self-security.

This is where people go wrong with their healing, and I used to think this too, thinking that sorting their self-security will give them self-love and self-worth. But I promise you that is not the truth, that is so Wrong Town.

It’s like trying to put a cart in front of a horse. The foundations are self-love and self-worth first, and then self-security can come, and of course, you need to survive physically. Once that’s taken care of, even if in minimalistic ways, even if you need help from others.

Make sure self-love and self-worth become your most important missions, and ironically, that’s only possible when you stop thinking that your identity is what you have materially.

It isn’t. It’s who you’re being emotionally. How I healed my self-security issues was to heal my limiting beliefs about needing a man to generate security and that every time I would get security, I’d be punished, and life would take it away.

Because that had happened so many times, I started creating the knowing by clearing all resistance to being a self-source of security in the NARP goal-setting module.

That I got to the goals of life and source having my back, wanting and knowing that life and source wanted what I wanted for me.

That I’m flourished and nourished, and that abundance is divine, and that I can have love and abundance simultaneously and cleaning up so many other double binds I had in beliefs that meant that I could make money, but I could never have a relationship at the same time. Or I could have a relationship but never have my financial security. All that stuff, a lot of women have it.

So all I had to do was access the beliefs, the painful feelings and the dense energy in my body about this, and after working on self-love and self-worth, that’s what happened. I really, really worked on the blocks regarding being secure, and by doing so, they all shifted.

They all dissolved away, and then I found that I was working about a quarter as hard as I used to produce three times the results and that it stayed in my life. It didn’t keep falling over and sabotaging. Okay.

 

The Last Essential Self Source Commodity Is Survival

Arguably this is the one that gets us to hand power over the most. All four were massive for me and massive for many people in the community, and this one especially so.

It’s this feeling, I’m not safe in life, I don’t like this planet, I don’t want to be here, and I’ve done a Thriver TV episode on this not so long ago. This is the ultimate disconnection from our self-life and others. It’s called fear and separation.

Narcissists are riddled with fear. They’re living the ultimate separation. They’ve so much of it going on that they created a false self to survive.

If we have the terror of not being able to survive the human experience or not wanting to be here, we are a match for the dark dweller’s narcissist period. Yet something incredible happens when we work on self-love, self-worth and self-security deep within our inner being. When we do the reprogramming, we know we can and will survive.

We start to enjoy how and what we can create consciously. This time, instead of all the unconscious painful things happening to us, we start to enjoy what life delivers.

So within and without, we start getting the physical proof very quickly. It’s the real-life evidence of our changing inner landscape and we start to love life in this body right here, right now. As a result of getting our relationship right with ourselves, we start getting our relationship right on a true self-level, which grants us infinite inner wisdom, which is the byproduct of wholeness.

We know that we’re spiritual being having a physical experience and are at the deepest core of our energetic, true being. We are eternal, immortal, and infinite, and we can never be destroyed no matter what happens to our physical being, and this takes all of the sting out of it.

We know our survival is guaranteed regardless of what happens to us. We know we are loved and whole no matter what happens to us because we are matter, and on the quantum level, we are even beyond matter.

We’re the force that created matter. At this level, how I healed this fourth and final self-source commodity was to target in my body the remaining traumas of fearing life and not wanting to be here and to set up goal-setting modules of loving being in life, being home here right here, right now, being safe here.

I worked really hard to get this right because I was born terrified of being on this planet. I didn’t want to be here.

 

Conclusion

So I know so many of you have gone through that, who’s been with narcissists, and we’ve got to do a lot of work on that on our inner belief systems to heal that, and so can you, you can do that and then like me truly you will love life and being here in this body right here, right now.

So that’s being a source to self. So I hope this has helped and expanded you today, and if it resonates with you and you go, “Oh my God, that is so the stuff I need to heal.”

I would love to help you do that so that you can heal for real from toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse and get on the trajectory of your true life.

So to help me help you do that, you can sign up for my free 16-Day Recovery Course. This includes an invitation to a free healing workshop, a set of ebooks, and so much more to access these, just click the link at the top right of this video.

If you want to see more videos, make sure you like and subscribe so you get notified as soon as each new video is released. So until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.

 

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Commments (60) + Leave a comments

60 thoughts on “How Narcissistic Abuse Taught Me To Be A Source To Myself

  1. I absolutely resonate with all of this Mel. I too have childhood trauma that I never realised until the last few years of being involved with a narcissist who also has childhood trauma (hurt people hurt people) It was for me, a huge life shattering experience of learning along the way as I was becoming a person I didn’t recognise anymore. I’d never even heard of the word Narcissist until I started to look up traits that he was displaying towards me. It broke me after 7 years as like many, I thought it was real and that love had finally found me. I am not past recovery as yet (far from)..but I find myself nodding away to your videos and your experiences so much that I get it. I always thought I could ‘heal’ ‘make him see’ etc…. but until they realise their own traumas of their past and actually acknowledge this… I guess nothing will register, and the ego carries on hurting others. you are a great source of encouragement for me to keep on fighting this struggle of emptiness I feel and that one day I can come out the other side. Thank You x

    1. @Deb Wells….do the Narp course…..it’s the best money ever spent on this yourself……why not do it? You will not regret it. You can read the blogs, do the videos, but there is no substitute for the work on the modules and the outstanding support through the forum once you join…..
      Just do it..there is nothing else to do and zero to lose. Btw narcs don’t heal ever….there is no need to fight the struggle of emptiness once you come home to yourself, heal your wounds and thrive into a new positive life. This is what QFH does if you work the modules.

      1. I agree. I use it regularly even after going thru it. I have never found something as good as this. I use abe’s teachings and louise hay and bashar and everyone. …. henry cloud. … even son, mei’s narps have done amazing things for me.

        thnx mel. xo

    2. This is the most important work of my life, I know it with all of my Being. The work is for real, the modules do sooo work. I have not been through this experience for nothing, I am growing, learning and expanding. All that you are saying resonates with me. Truly it does. I am not concerned what the Narc does, but I can feel the triggers, it is completely up to me to heal them for real this time. I was unable to access the information to the course you mentioned but would be most interested in doing it. Thank you again Melanie.

    3. I had a “breakthrough” because I stood beside, in and for myself during a difficult conversation. The conversation that I had to have. I felt/feel so proud of myself, speaking my truth and realising that that is all that I have ever had to do. Sometimes I don’t feel that I am getting anywhere and then I am “tested” and that is where the proof is. I think of my self healing, family and the Greater Good. There is far to go but it is soooo worth it. Thank you Mel for deciding to be here in this lifetime.

  2. OMG! I had 2 narc parents who paid well for everything……. I never learned to take care of myself financially. my narc partners all had money or I left them. even making good money on my own I over spent…….. I want to heal this area of my life.

    My partner now has money and is loving and will help me; even so, one of my life goals is to flourish, and nourish myself financially …….. even if it falls from heaven into my lap πŸ˜€ . or if I am able to make it and save it and spend it.

    I desire a great shift in the way of ” every day in every way, my life is getting better and better.

    great segment mel, thnx

  3. Mel, this is so me and I resonate with everything that you speak of here. I was wondering if you have the transcript for this episode? I have been working so hard on my healing and can’t seem to get a breakthrough or shift. Thank you for all the work that you do.

    1. Hi Christina,

      I am so glad this resonates with you.

      Are you in the NARP Forum as a NARPer receiving support and coaching? That will help so much.

      I am sorry Christina there isn’t a transcript of this one.

      Mel xo

  4. Hi Melanie: I think this is your best work to date. very powerful. This said it all in a way that I could connect AND feel so much hope.

    Thank you , Thank you, Thank you!

    Laura

  5. Mel, I can honestly say that your work has changed my life. Not only have I managed to go and stay No Contact with the ex-Narc, but your work has helped me to deal with the father of my kids by establishing modified contact: all this has only been possible by recognising and healing my wounds. Thank you for your wisdom and insight.

  6. Dear Mel, this episode was so weirdly timely for me. I have had a very bad few weeks, having done NARP for 18 months I began to feel like nothing was working of me. But I realise I am getting nearer and nearer to the truth of me and having to face myself and this lack of sense of self. Through working NARP i have got so good at no contact (or modified as we have children) and I have been working so hard to heal. But recently my business has gone very quiet (for the first time in 20 years) and the Narcissist is finally leaving me alone after 22 year relationship. He seems to be happy with his new girlfriend and goes everywhere that I might go so I feel I have to avoid social situations in the fear that they will be there. My kids are growing up and don’t need me in the same way. And I have been left with me. Feeling fearful and afraid and life seems empty and dead and I feel totally disconnected and can’t work out how to move on. I feel weaker than ever. In fact I feel all you describe in the video.

    Last night my sister came to see me and we talked about my lack of sense of self and depression.. She suggested I go on anti depressants as she feels the last 3 years (of getting away from the N) has taken its toll on me. I am resistant as I have never taken them before but I have been feeling so bad and want to keep going for my business and kids.

    My first thought this morning when I woke was I have to find a way of working on my fragile sense of self and finding a way to love myself. I know I am hard on myself and negative. There is no avoiding it, it seems. Everything that has kept me occupied and so busy for the last 20 years has gone (husband, busy office, kids, family life). I find this so so hard. And then your video was there. I am going straight to module 2. Everything you say makes sense to me. My real fear at the moment is that I am not doing this property or getting the shifts. Or that it just isn’t working for me. I have tried to work on these blocks. I will keep going. I think perhaps I am getting to the core now and that really admitting to myself that this lack of self love and sense of self is key to it all (and that yes it’s been there all my life). Thank you so much Mel. There is no way to avoid this. My heart is pounding a little and I feel scared and anxious today but you give me hope. Lots of love Sash xx

    ps is it worth me signing up for 16 day recovery course if I’ve been doing NARP already?

    1. Hi Sash,

      wow what an incredible time in your life, as you said “leaving you with you”.I love that you are wanting to work on these blocks to come home to you.

      You are so on the right track with what you write Sash … and I highly suggest coming into the NARP Forum to connect with an incredible “tribe” and get help, support and encouragement at this time. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Your whole incredible life awaits Sash. Yes, do sign up for the 16 day Course Sash … it will definitely benefit you.

      Much Love to you too πŸ™‚

      Mel xo

  7. Hi Mel, thank you for pointing me back to my centre …/\…
    I am the carer for my Narc mum, who is now also suffering from mixed dementia and I have discovered that she is in a state of emotional addiction. Any engagement with her is based on her being already primed, emotionally, in a self narrative of ego craving, compulsive, negative, self attention.
    I wonder, am I right to treat her consistent, entitled to attention attitude, as toxic ?
    Presently, I engage with her only in the most minimal way, not allowing myself to be drawn into β€˜ fixing a mood β€˜ that time after time in the past has proven to be fickle and dependent on a random hidden agenda.
    Of course I give attention to all her caring needs, provisions, household tasks etc but I feel I need to check myself, that I’m not being dismissive in arrogance.
    hope this makes sense
    much love Mel and thanks again to your spirit in the world

    Tim C

    1. Having cared for dementia pts in facilities and also my own family members in their homes and now my dad even, let me say, you are a hero for even doing this for ur mom. How you accomplish it, is another thing. You dont have to engage when she seeking supply. You simply dont. If you get to the point where you cant do the care also, do not feel bad. You are the priority here. Caring for her is good but only if you can do it without harming you. ((hugs)) you re a good son, no matter how it ends.

      1. Thank you Helene. Being aware when she is seeking supply seems to be key. Otherwise, I can support her effectively by keeping things short and to the point and not allowing myself to rise to any bait, noticing if I become adrenalized or becoming reactionary and not get carried away in blind behaviour.
        thanks again for your comment

    2. Hi Tim,

      you are very welcome. You are doing a fantastic job with your Mum, well done for granting her what you do and being her carer. Tim, it is a little hard for me to know or say the answer to your question. What I would do in your position, would be to (as a NARPer) clear any confusion and set the goal to have clarity on “how to deal with her”.

      I feel you are doing great with the awareness that you have and the boundary in not getting drawn in. Maybe the clarity is just to remain detached with her and not to. And you probably don’t need to engage and respond when she is like that … because possibly now what would that be for?

      I think the answer to that is within you …

      Mel xo

      1. thank you Mel
        Yes, knowing the boundaries and leaving the self doubt quickly. Coming back to my peace with life.
        thanks again

  8. Melanie this video deeply resonates. One of my takeaways: I matter because I AM matter! I felt that deeply. So many breakthroughs watching this video, and also a deep appreciation for grandparents (and ancestors) who’ve paved the way for me. My great grandparents healed their poverty consciousness by breaking a generational cycle and refusing to be on welfare, in which I reap the benefits in my own life today. Because they did the work on themselves, there is less trauma I need to clear out. I am now more conscious of what I’m passing on to my son, aware of what I need to heal in myself to pave the “Road Less Trauma-ed” for him. Thank you! πŸ˜‰

    1. Hi Resilient,

      I am so pleased this video resonated with you πŸ™‚

      How fantastic and inspirational that you are sharing the breakthroughs of your forebears.

      I LOVE the “Road Less Trauma-ed” … Great expression!

      Mel xo

  9. Hi Mel. It is amazing to realize the narc relationship happened, because I needed it to it to evolve. I have pressed in deeply to the pain and how I chose to face those wounds by partnering with someone who could not love me. I have also seen where I was attached to the pain, because I still was not ready to let go of my mother and father connection, from where the pain started. What I discovered was that to be a source to myself, I had to let go of the parental attachment. I had to break it. Going no contact with the narc is so hard, because it is breaking the attachment which triggers the attachment from our youth, that was so painful. Better to be attached to a negligent mother, than to have no mother at all. But this attachment left me feeling trapped in her horrific perception of me. Over time I learned I needed to face the grief I had been running from my whole life. I needed to face the reality of who she was and let go of the fantasy, the longing , the wish. I also had to let go that I was a bad person…that how she saw me, was her projection and not the reality of who I am. Only then, have I been able to start becoming a source to myself. Only now, on the other side of this work, am I beginning to experience freedom , real love, and a deep connection within. Now I have at times, moments of excitement and adventure, and feeling like the world is opening up before me with possibilities for a brighter future. I still feel twinges of grief and sadness, but less and less. There is a wonderful scripture that comes to mind, ‘weeping endures the night, but joy comes in the morning’, or as I like to say, mourning. Being a source to myself, is a path that others who were raised with healthy attachment take for granted. But for those of us that have mourned, there is a depth and value that is possible to us, and that is priceless.

    1. Hi Rose,

      what a beautiful post for us all here.

      Thank you for being you and having the courage and spirit to do the journey back to holding and loving you that you have done, and sharing with people how it is possible for them too.

      You are an inspiration, Rose.

      Mel xo

    2. Hello Rose,

      I would like to thank you for posting. I too have been limiting contact with my mother and I love how you said that the attachment left you trapped in her horrific perception of you. Sometimes I feel guilty but I just can’t be that old version of myself anymore and she as a way of ambushing me with horribly mean messages that I finally have learned to ignore. I have attracted N relationships all my life and now at 55 and through this program am understanding why and learning how to let go. (Thank you Melanie!) When you are raised to believe you will never be good enough to succeed at anything as I was all of the same messages from men served to reenforce what I already believed was true about myself. Now I understand that none of these messages were true. I still cry at night a lot however I listen to Melanie’s healing angel meditation every single night. I also do a module every time I am triggered. When I am not home I stop and remind myself that true thoughts feel good and false thoughts feel wrong so even if I am not able to listen I am learning how to redirect my thoughts and release the fears.
      Good Luck!

      1. Dear Penny,
        how beautiful that you are connecting with you true self and releasing that old , false inner identity of ” not good enough” and healing so deeply that you can disconnect the fear based thoughts when they come. Like you , I was very moved by Rose’s post, as it seems we have all had that shared experience of being so painfully rejected and abandoned by mothers with NPD. I’m a little older than you, and it also took me this long to let go of the old and painful inner identity with Melanie’s guidance and resources . Great you’re working with the modules and this will allow you to release any remaining guilt. i love that for all you’ve been through, there’s such a gentleness and humility shining brightly, the light of your own beautiful Spirit bringing more peace and acceptance and kindness to our earthly home. thank you from my heart to yours. Melanie often says that as we heal ourselves , we help heal the planet …and I’m feeling that in my heart and soul today reading your words and what Rose has shared . Sending you love and Angel blessings xxooπŸ’›πŸ’›

        1. Hi Val,
          Thank you so much for your kind response to my post. “Have courage and be kind” has become somewhat of a mantra for me now. I too wish you angel blessings, to all of you! I am wondering if you or anyone else reading has been having a difficult time processing all of the public sexual abuse issues coming out in the American press? Today it was Charlie Rose who I have always admired. It has triggered numerous memories for me and lots of anger that I have suppressed having to do with past N sexual misconduct, harassment and assault. I wrote about it in my journal and have decided to devote this evening and quite a bit of tomorrow to modules that will help release the anger and injustice. I am grateful that I have a plan yet at the same time wonder if the deep wounds of sexual trauma can be healed? Sometimes it seems like I am peeling an onion as I work on myself and I can relate to everything Melanie discussed this evening about the holidays, feeling old, lonely and distracting myself with Netflix and work. It would be so easy to crawl under my quilt with my cat and stay there but I am determined to carry on. Isn’t it amazing that Melanie seems to read our minds and always come up with the right thing to discuss at the right time? I am so grateful!
          Blessings, Light & Love,
          Penny

          1. Hi Penny,

            I so do believe we can heal our traumas including sexual abuse Dear Lady.

            That is so wonderful that you are going to keep up-levelling Penny!

            Sending so many blessings and love to you.

            Mel xo

    3. Dear Rose, hugs and thank you for you beautiful post..I remember Brene Brown said in one of her books
      ” owning our own story is the bravest thing we will ever do” ..I was deeply touched by your journey there and the tenderness that comes through as you share it. It was indeed the hardest thing for me .because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be the ” unwanted one”. .like you I ran and ran from it all my life. Until I couldn’t run any more. In your post, I feel the depth of your courage and your spirit growing brighter and stronger in all it’s beauty as you release those who couldn’t love you. ..I too lived that trying to belong, desperately hoping to be loved by a mother who couldn’t love and abandoned me at a young age. My inner identity became ” the unwanted one”. I knew I must be wrong/ bad/ not loveable from that. Yes , I so agree , NARP healing takes us to an unimagined reality where safety, stability, kindness , peace and predictable , healthy behaviour from others and ourselves are just some of the things we can rely on and provide for ourselves. Who knew this would ever be possible?? I am deeply moved by the tenderness in your words and experience Rose…thank you for sharing it..I’ve learnt since doing this healing work with Melanie that “belonging ” is not something we need to negotiate with others . One of the most life changing lessons for me as I never felt I belonged . Now I know, that as part of Source energy, part of Spirit , connected to all Life as we are, that we always have and always will ” belong”, beyond time and space. may your days be joyful and peaceful Rose and all your dreams come true. Angel blessings xoxo

  10. Melanie,

    I just want to thank you for guiding me through back to the light because everytime. Everytime I get discouraged there it is, your email with direction that echoes me back to truth. Thank you for doing the work that you do so diligently because so many need it and I feel like the so-called victimized are also the so forgotten becuasr nobody really knows on the deeper level how to dig them back to life. I know this work is truly the way and what a blessing it has been in my life!!

    πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡

  11. Hi Melanie!

    Everyone here knows how “the story goes” with the n (badly!) and how rough path this healing journey has been, so I won’t go into details here now with my story with the n.

    But I’ve done narp and eft, with a eft (emotional freedom healing) therapist.

    It has actually started to bother me, when this therapist said to me: ” EFT actually saved you from that unhealthy relationship!
    The answer to how you became attracted to him in the first place is that he has some
    similarities to your parents. If you look at the patterns in your relationship, you’ll see the connection.”

    I’ve gain so much awareness and healing by now, that I would almost say, that the N actually saved me from myself! It is like you say, a massive wake up call. It is very interesting, now when the worst pain and shock is gone and there is more “space” in my mind to think…how this all actually happened in soul/energetic level. So I don’t feel bad anymore, and feel nothing towards him.

    But what annoys me, this comment about my parents. I say this as a gentle joke, but I’m over 40 years old now…could we just finally let my parents and childhood “off the hook”? His whole healing ideology (I feel) was based on this “blaming parents”, and I actually don’t want to work with him anymore. My parents are not n’s, not especially bad, but not perfect either, who would be!?
    I think this statement: “he (the n) has some similarities to your parents”, is more correctly: the n was a direct reflection of my woundings! Whether it all came from my parents or wherever, does it even matter? I think the woundings can come anywhere like a flu, even from past generations and this thought has made me feel peace about it.
    I’d be curious to hear what you think about this?

    1. Hi T.T.,

      I am so anti “blaming” in any shape or form.I totally agree that our parents and what they “did” or “didn’t do” was only a symptom of something much greater – human trauma, epigenetic trauma, generational trauma, ancient trauma …

      There is a much bigger picture!

      Mel xo

      1. I agree! If this “parents theory” would be true, then why I have attracted n’s and my sister has a normal boyfriend and my other sister is already married, and they probably have never even heard the word n! I can’t understand why a therapist talks such rubbish and I believed him for a very long time (and paid quite a lot of money of these sessions!). I think at the finale of the n relationship, I was so confused and vulnerable, that I was an easy target to all kinds of brainwashing…

        I have given up blaming my parents, the n, or anyone. I really thought about it: If I blame someone, my focus is on them, when it should be in my own healing. And if we blame other people, then we are forever in the victim position!

        This video was very good, thanks! Especially the last 5-10 minutes really resonated with me. This is something I have thought about for a very long time. I think I have always been a fearful person. Like I’m not safe in life, not safe “in my body”, not safe with men etc. I think the fear tells us: “alert, pay attention! Now here is something dangerous”. Like it would be naive and stupid to go near a crocodile, lion or poisonous snake and pretend it’s safe and nothing to fear of.
        But with men, now I’m not sure how this “works”, I fear that if I let go of all the fear inside of me, does it make me even more prone to become harmed, or is it so, that because I have fear inside of me, then I am a “match” to dangerous, threatening men (like n’s)? How the law of attraction works here? I think the fact is, n or not, all men are definitely not safe. What is the normal amount of fear, healthy fear?

  12. I’ve been listening for a year now. I’ve been to a therapist who said she I was suffering from low self esteem and a blow to my ego from being married and thrown away by an abusive man. We were married 24 years, after raising two beautiful twin girls and a long battle with health issues, I began to withdraw inside myself. My husband got mad said because I withdrew he was forced to cheat and was now leaving me. He said he deserves to be happy. I battle with this all being my fault. I was raised in a dysfunctional family, an older brother who was and is very emotional abusive. Possibly narcissistic. A emotionally unavailable mother who is now gone. An alcoholic abusive father also deceased. I think I am a loving and deeply caring person. I feel squashed but I know I have value, i just have to find myself. I’m 56 and so lost but have a hope for a new beginning. I must sell my home and move. He left me with all the debt and a home in such need of repair. I felt it was a beautiful home. Now I see it was as neglected as I was.. Strange how once free your perception changes…

    1. Hi Lisa ,
      firstly sending you hugs and new beginnings are truly possible at our age ( I’m a bit older than you too!) . When you said you feel so lost, it touched my heart because I felt like that too…I was totally lost from myself and my outer life had collapsed.it was as it turns out, life changing in the best possible way…. ” the night is darkest before the dawn…” …..I hope you may join Melanie’s 16 day free recovery program, it truly can be the beginning of your new beginning/ new life🌺. There’s a button at the top of Melanie’s Facebook page where you can join. Please know you don’t need to do it all alone, there’s loads of love and support here for you from Melanie and this community who understand . sending you Angel blessings πŸ’›

    2. Hi Lisa,

      It certainly is incredible what happens when reality hits and how we do see things so differently!

      Please know Lisa many of us did suffer from self-worth issue … and I promise you it is healable – and so much more powerfully than we could have ever known when we start shifting our Inner Being and releasing trauma – which is what Quanta Freedom Healing has done for so many people in this Community.

      Have you signed up to my free resources yet? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com.freecourse – there is so much in there to help you reclaim you and heal beyond the life you had been living.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  13. Hello Melanie!
    You are an angel. I’m a β€œNARPER” since 2016 and did the recovery modules. Your program saved my life and enabled me to feel safe and free of so much past trauma.
    My son is my concern now because he is showing narcissistic traits like his dad has. How do I keep myself on my healing path and help him? I feel so much pain for him and also for my daughter who he is verbally abusive to (both my son and daughter are grown, out on their own, mid 20’s).
    I realize the road he has ahead but know that I can’t resolve his issues.
    I am grateful beyond measure for you Melanie. You are so beautiful and giving.
    Love, Linda

    1. Hi Linda,

      thank you for your kind words πŸ™‚

      Linda, have you seen the healings Devon and I did on her regarding her son? These will help you a lot – and it is so going to be about you releasing the pain of how you see him, having healthy and strong boundaries with him and really leading the way.

      Here are those Shifts Happen episodes:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FWHrox6a24

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrfzdarWRTE

      And also this may help too: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-if-your-child-has-narcissistic-tendencies/

      Sending you and your children many blessings Linda and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Mel

    Thank you so much for this video
    Working on oneself is number one
    There is nothing we can’t achieve if we work on ourselves
    I wish I met you years ago. But I’m happy now

    Much love
    Nina
    Love Tiggy

  15. Dear Melanie,

    As a way of saying thank you for this valuable, timely video, I’d like to share a Georgia O’Keefe quote I discovered today:

    “I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain, and I am quite free.”

    It’s like a beautiful flower that sums up what you’re saying about being a source to one’s self, and that I can easily carry around with me.

    I am so inspired by your work Melanie. Not just to heal myself, but also to ensure that I am available to offer my own unique gifts to others.

    Much love to you.

  16. You do great things for so many people. Thank you! Have you ever considered making an experience/program around the holiday season? I once did a 30 day healing and meditation program where I was sent one email a day and given activities to do each day around healing and reflection – journalling, sort of. This was an amazing experience that truly helped decrease stress around the holidays. I think it was called a 30 day challenge although I don’t remember. I paid 10.00 for it and it was worth every penny a thousand times over. It would be amazing to do things that will help us connect with our survival brains around that time. I try to do meditations on my own although if there is family drama, I find it hard to engage or have time to listen. It’s easier to write something down. Just a thought – I love what you do.

  17. Hello Melanie,
    I recently became a member of this amazing community and as of many of us I became a victim of narcissistic abuse. After I finished that toxic relationship, I realized that I had deep wounds that prevent me from becoming the best person I know I can be. I identify the wound last week and I’m ready to heal and move on with my life but I need your advice. I had multiple surgeries done to my throat since I was 2 years old and as a result I have a raspy voice that continues to remind me everyday of the trauma I went through as a child and all the bulling from my classmates. I’m a 33 year old male who is just tired of this and I want to move on with my life even with all the neck scars I have and the raspy voice. As a result, I have been an easy prey for narcissistic abuse because I’m a codependent as well as a child of a narcissistic mother. Melanie, how can I heal a wound that is always there? How can I move on with my life knowing that people will always ask me about my voice and my neck scars? I would appreciate if you can guide me through my healing process because I’m ready.

    1. Hi Daniel,

      if you go into the trauma about how you feel about it, you will shift from those traumatised feelings. All manifestation is about getting healthy and totally okay with “what is” and ALSO bringing wellbeing into that “area”, by releasing the trauma and filling with Source.

      The irony is, if we do that, we are totally unconditionally at peace with “what is” and that is generally when it heals. If it doesn’t it actually doesn’t matter because we fully accept and are at peace and expanded regardless of “what is”.

      Does that make sense?

      All you need to do is release your traumas about it, and then what unfolds will be perfect.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  18. I related to point 4 about not feeling safe…abandonment people are looking for safety..so eerie that we match up with narcissists who created their false self as they weren’t safe and didn’t feel like they belonged here…I never felt that…but the more I have grown over the past 9 years since we parted after a 25 year marriage the happier I became although I suffered a great deal of anxiety needing lots of support thru therapy where I felt less alone…where there was the comforting hand of a therapist to hold…his getting remarried in brisbane of all places have retriggered insecurities and sent me into an email frenzy…I suppose the fear of his really not there but also being angry with myself for not seeing through him…feeling ‘played’….

  19. You have quite literally helped me save my life. πŸ’―!

    Please keep doing what you do, and thank you for not charging money here! I really get so so much out of this website and your videos. I work out my thoughts on paper, as well as well as writing down some of the things you say.

    I will go in depth in another comment at a later time, i just wanted to say thanks so much from the bottom of my healing heart! -teresa πŸ•‰

    πŸ’—πŸ’‘πŸ”“πŸ˜šπŸ˜Šβ˜„βœ¨πŸΈπŸ€βš πŸŒΉπŸŒžπŸŒˆ

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