Today I want to have a conversation with you about how to never fall victim to a narcissist ever again.
This is important.
You know the cost it has on your life if you do, and I know that all of us want to Thrive – be ourselves and be free in life without having to hide out, dim down and not be ourselves because of this fear.
I promise you this is possible. I, myself, am free to be my radiant, confident, courageous self without worrying about who is narcissistic or who is not.
The following is key and I promise you this – your safety from narcissists has nothing to do with who other people are or aren’t being. It has everything to do with who YOU are or aren’t being.
That is the GREAT news, because you don’t have any control over other people. You only have control over yourself.
Let’s get started with looking at how we can hand our power away and fall prey to narcissistic people – which is vital in order to realise this trap.
Narcissists Pretend To Be Everything You Want
Narcissist are brilliant “fact finders”. They are like the stealth army in the Trojan Horse looking for a way to get your trust to enter the “gates”, namely your body, brain, heart, Soul and finances. They do this by trying to find out “what you want”.
Emotionally these are powerful “yes” buttons for people. Such as if the narcissist discovers that in previous relationships you were cheated on, they will tell you how absolute the value of monogamy is for them.
If you are looking for an employee who has certain skills, the narcissist will tell you how they are exactly the person you are looking for to fill the position.
If, deep down, you feel like you can’t survive without a partner, they will ensure that you hear how protective, reliable, and caring they are.
If you have any fear in your life that is BIG, they will supply a narrative to agitate your fear and then pretend to be the solution to it.
Take note of this (because it is EVERYTHING) – narcissists hope you won’t investigate what could be within the Trojan Horse.
They hope you just get emotionally swept up, throw sensibility out the window, don’t take your time, don’t look at references, don’t research and don’t question anything even if it feels “off”.
Maybe you are feeling so blissed out by the possibility of “the person of your dreams” or so confident “this person has the goods” that you forgo all the checks and balances and due diligence.
Then … yes … the Trojan Horse gets through the gates.
I know what it is like to fall for this. We all do. I did it, despite the icky feelings and even pieces of information that were contrary to the narrative the narcissist was feeding me. Being attached to “what I wanted to hear and believe” used to happen in many areas of my life, allowing narcissistic people in and this was not just romantically.
I felt like it was rude to question and have boundaries. I didn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. I was scared that if I took my time to ascertain them that they wouldn’t like me, could criticise me, smear me to others or even leave me to be with someone else.
Truthfully, I really had no idea what I was looking for anyway. I didn’t know the truth about what it took and how to be in regard to making sure someone’s character and credentials checked out. And, I was yet to learn this very valuable lesson – that people can say whatever they want but it’s their actions and the real-life results that count regardless of what someone pretends to be.
Staying Attached To Your Version Of Them
Narcissists are very skilled at knowing that if they present as the saviour of whatever it is you haven’t healed or empowered within yourself, then when they start treating you terribly, you will stay attached.
These are some of our subconscious yearnings regarding narcissists …
“Please be the person who saw, loved and met me like no other.”
“Please be that dream man / women who wanted to marry me and spend their life happily forever after with me.”
“Please be that person who had the guts, gumption and go that I didn’t have to make the business contracts my enterprise requires.”
“Please look after me, protect me and BE the granter of love, approval, security and survival to me.”
“Please be whatever it is that you have said you will help me with, save me from, or grant me in my life to be true!”
It was all about dependency.
This is really confusing for people, because many of us who have been trauma bonded to narcissists are capable people. Many of us are highly intelligent and high achievers. So why is it that even though we have been “capable” of making our lives work and even have a super-capacity in many areas of our lives, do we feel like broken, dependent children who can’t make it on our own?
This is all about emotional unhealed wounds. It’s very possible to appear powerful, confident and capable to the outside world, yet feel like an anxious, depressed, empty person within.
This is what narcissists find within us and pretend to “ease”. Then they “play” with these parts of us – striking them to hurt and control us. They side-step their own accountability for bad behaviour (by making arguments our fault) and promise these “carrots” (that they will never durably deliver) in order to keep us hooked whilst they siphon us for their own gain.
This leaves us hooked to them, feeling like we can’t break free from them, because we can’t generate these things without them.
Things like “love”, “approval”, “security” and “survival”.
Personally, this shocked me. I had been able to make my life work on my own. I had been successful on my own, yet (as I was to discover) much of my “creation” had come from the fear that I wasn’t safe and I may not survive. That was what had been pushing me to “over-achieve”. It wasn’t from “flow” and “inspiration” (the good stuff). Rather, it had been from a terror of “not being able to feel safe and survive” (which of course the narcissist identified and presented as the solution to).
I had always also felt in a relationship like I would “die” when it broke up. I had many unhealed traumas that had made me believe that I couldn’t survive without a man. Even when I was with the narcissist and everything was under threat, the thought of living without him was beyond terrifying.
I know that so many of you have experienced or are experiencing the same.
And of course, like me you were just trusting and assuming that ALL humans are like you – that they are all good people.
Now you know – they are not. And it’s essential to accept this.
You As Your Own Source
With the narcissist my greatest fears became manifest. My terrors of losing love, being alone and losing everything I had worked my whole life for – it all happened. Not only did I lose “everything” I also lost my health, my connections with other people, my mind and very nearly my Soul.
This was meant to be.
Why? Because I had never previously chosen my Soul. I had handed away my Soul autonomy to forces outside of myself. I trusted blindly, because I was looking for “saviours” in my life, rather than true partners in life, as a result of being my own autonomous authority, connected with True Source.
Also, I had believed my identity was tied to a partner, and a certain amount of income, resources and property. I had always worked too hard, tried to keep the peace, “given to get” and twisted myself into a thousand shapes to try to keep someone happy so that they would love and approve of me and grant me the security and survival that would finally allow me to feel safe.
It didn’t work. As a child I had been powerless to create this. As an adult I wasn’t able either. But as an adult it now wasn’t anyone else’s job to give me myself.
I finally realised, that I had never come home to me – to my Inner Me. I had never put my Soul, my Inner Being and the healing of my connection to my Soul and Source as my highest priority.
Thank goodness in complete and utter breakdown of everything that I thought was my life, and even what I thought was myself, I finally realised that there was no place to go other than within.
Despite everything in my life being rubble at my feet – my finances, health, reputation and dreams (everything) – all completely smashed to pieces, I finally “got” that nothing else mattered other than connecting to and self-partnering with my Inner Being and Source and creating the truest relationship in my life – between me, my Inner Being and Source.
That was the path that led to Quanta Freedom Healing. The way to achieve this was to heal up those parts of me that felt empty, scared, looking for a saviour and not being able to trust myself, make empowered and wise decisions and say “No”.
This changed everything. My narcissistic abuse symptoms melted away, I no longer felt anything – and much less addiction, non-closure and obsessions towards narcissistic people. They became “Not My Reality”.
Being connected to True Source, trusting my own inner solid truths and values regardless of who other people decided to be, became My True Reality.
False selves had no place in this anymore.
You Are Your Saviour
Many people don’t want to hear this – and once upon a time neither did I.
It’s human nature to not want to take responsibility for our own lives. Narcissists have completely exploited human “smallness” (other people and authorities control my truth) and our distracted laziness (I don’t have time to look into this fully).
I promise you I used to righteously think that all people should be like me – decent people, trustworthy and that they should just do the right thing and be held accountable if they didn’t.
That’s not how Quantum Reality works – so within, so without. People are not treating you how you treat them, they will come into your life and treat you identically to the way that you treat yourself.
When we hand power away by going along with what we want to believe and want to trust, without boundaries, or taking time to ascertain people, their characters and what is on offer – then what you accept is what you will get.
There are bad people in the world and they WILL get through the gates.
Please know, as hard as it is to accept, it is YOUR job to heal and develop yourself enough to prevent this. And again, people can get very confused. You may think that means armouring yourself up to have greater suspicions and defences and to research everything you can about bad people to keep yourself safe from them.
Nothing, actually could be further from the truth. This won’t help you recover and in fact will just plunge you deeper in to the pain and the trauma as well as increase the likelihood of more of these people coming in to your life. Again, this is Quantum Law – so within, so without. Any strong emotional charge (including hurt defensive ones) is “This Is My Reality!”. You think you are saying “No” to something and in fact you are saying “Yes” to it.
The true solution is to heal the trauma from within (which is what Quanta Freedom Healing in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program powerfully does) so that you can emerge calm, solid, fearless, sensible, solidly aware of values and boundaries, being your authentic gorgeous self, checking things out, asking the right questions, being unattached to outcomes, and no longer caring about pissing people off who are exploitative.
What you will discover is good people (and there are tons of them in the world) appreciate you valuing yourself in business, love and life, and have no problem being asked for credentials and you taking your time – these people have absolutely nothing to hide.
Narcissists and sociopaths do. They operate in the shadows. They smear, cancel, censor, attack and project to avoid scrutiny. Decent people don’t. It’s wonderful when someone attacks you. This is a vampire who has had a bright light shone on them. The garbage then takes itself out.
Additionally, after turning within to release the traumas that have become your life, you fill up with True Source (True Life Force). Without needing any proof, you will feel fulfilled and at peace even before the real-life results of your healing show up. Then it starts to, in droves.
You are no longer needy and making rash decisions from a place of emptiness and fear, and because you have got better, you do much better.
Narcissists are actually very easy to flush out once you know how to be yourself. Can you imagine what life is like when you live free of the fear of them.
That is True Thriving.
Does this make sense? Can you feel inside the truth of what I am sharing here with you? Can you see that this is an incredible opportunity, as painful as it has been, to finally come home to you?
If this resonates with you – and you know this is all about you becoming you own saviour – then I can’t recommend enough checking out NARP, which is my signature healing program, that creates this for you.
As always, I can’t wait to read and answer your comments and questions!
Melanie, you are an angel sent from my higher body, my dear Lord above. I have gained so much knowledge from you over the years I’ve followed you and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. I now laugh and think, what an absolute fool I was to believe the rubbish and lies that I was fed for many years. I now go with the flow, I say nothing at all, believe me, saying nothing and not reacting is so much easier. Let them lie, cheat, deceive, keep your own values, integrity and truth. Faith, strength and courage is my mantra, I’ve come through it!
Thankyou My Lord and Mel, who he has sent to save us from these scoffers! ❤️
Hi Val,
thank you for your lovely words, I am humbled by them!
I’m so happy for you!
Much love and many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie!
After 4+ years of listening to you very faithfully and doing my best to follow your guidelines and teachings I don’t think that I will EVER fall victim to a narcissist again! I think I’ve gotten pretty savvy when it comes to recognizing what narcissists do, what narcissists think like and what narcissists are! My “narc alert” antennas are working better, or at least, most of the time…
I still have plenty of issues to take care of with the one I’m still married to…🤮 going through settlement and everything else with her just simply sucks! I’m still having some bad days and hard timeswith that c**p…! Recently she totally gaslighted me! She was trying to get me to sign a document about the marital home and did some classic gaslighting… It was really cruel but apropos for a narcissist or her… She started dredging up my old PTSD issues from the military and made implications and insinuations that, according to her, I wasn’t capable of making sound decisions especially when it concerns marital property and my home, because, according to her, I’d made bad decisions before…(Yeah! Like getting married to her… that was a bad decision! Lol! 🙂 I felt awful and confused for a little while but then I realized that this is what she does and has done multiple times before…😈 I told her I won’t sign anything like that..❌ I am positive that my continued practice of NARP helped me to be able to be strong and clear and I didn’t flinch! 💪
Otherwise I still feel the psychic bonds and have difficulty with the energetic connections to her….(BTW thank you so much for discussing that recently!) but, all of that has improved, with the help of NARP and is better, as I say often, than it was… 🙌
I do understand so much more clearly now that I need to “become my own savior” as you mentioned above and also know and feel more positive that I am doing my best to become just that…💪
It’s really an amazing process, this narcissistic abuse recovery program! I really like it! 💞 And it’s really helped me a lot! And I’m so thankful!
And it’s late at night and I’m so tired I can’t write anymore but I just want to tell you thank you so much, Melanie! And I’m looking forward to your next Instagram post! I so love your Instagram! Lots of love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
your humor in this was bang on!
Keep strong, clear and detached.
(Awesome you are loving Instagram!)
One day, you will be out the other side of this!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
As an independent codependent I was often self-deprecating to offset the criticism, put downs, jealousy and controlling behaviors.
Right words in the right time! Thank you🙂🙏🦋
Its my pleasure Agnieszka!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Dear friends
Yes! It certainly is a” Process!….. But what an a amazing blessing when you realise you’ ve come out the other side,and finding ones self much stronger than” even” before the abuse!
Sure we can ALL have our set backs,….but forward and upward march….to the victory of wisdom and knowledge …..just KNOWING we are succeeding has an amazing affect on our well being…Our Character is so much stronger❤️ and it shows
Praise God!!🙏
Hi Fay,
you are doing such a beautiful job of Thriving!
Thank you for your inspirations!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie! After half of my life being lived under narcissistic control of all sorts at 56 yo I am finally turning within and doing the work on my own soul. How liberating! To finally feel some freedom! I’m beginning to actually love my life!
Hi Gwen,
yaya! I love that you are loving this.
Home you are coming… so wonderful 🙂
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is “too long” and a part of me said- just send a little. But my Soul said these people have been through /are going through this and share with the breaking-open heart we all share. Thank you Mel & community. Blessings!
I am the radiant Goddess
I am the soul mate of my soul
I am beholden to the Beauty
I am the keeper of the Whole
I am
I am the sword
Of Surrender
Too swift for thinking
Too light for fear
I am the kiss
Of the Beloved
Receiver and Giver both here
Now in this moment, this sacred space
I am.
I am all the mistakes and all the forgiveness
I am this poem
Weaving its way into existence
With unstoppable Grace
Inviting you to look. Pause. Behold. Me You We I
One face
Belonging to no one and everyone,
I am the thirst
For Truth and Joy
For the knowing
that we are already free.
Realizing all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Shall not bring these to me.
I am the lost, stolen, forgotten key.
I am
I am
I am
I am the pulse of Creation
In her innocence and her strength
Raw, real, open, shut, bright and bleak
Like windshield wipers of uneven length
I am.
Love wants me to see
I am timeless, empty, wholeness
Transcending any false identity and all the mental machinery
Love wants me to see
I am the alchemy of Infinity
I am this grove of trees
Holding hands beneath the earth
I am the water breaking, singing here I come
at the blessing of my birth
I am the holy witness bowing
To this generous, courageous choice
And joyous, outrageous welcoming of this precious new life
May I listen now to the pregnant whispers
Of a future calling voice.
I am the invitation and the capable midwife,
Cutting the cord.
I am a choir of angels, descending, announcing
The bridal party has arrived
Does my Lady receive her Lord
Love Overflowing Revealing the Divine
I am yours. You are mine.
I am
I am these wings ready to leave the nest
Fluttering, fierce and fragile, filled with faith
Let this take me into flight
Love wants me to see
There’s nothing wrong and nothing right
Only this. I am. Can you let this be your rest?
Can you let this sword enter your chest
Until you cannot breathe
Until there is a new breath
Love wants me to be
LOVE
To sit in silence, to listen
And wait
For the water to move me
To create a new world no one could anticipate
I am the stillness
beyond all thoughts, attachments and concerns
I am the unbridled, limitless Light, here to heal
The accumulation of stories appearing as burns
I am not any of those prisonality programs or anything from the past.
I am the Love this aching world prays for, so intimately private, and incredibly vast
I am one with this one omnipotent power.
So, whatever may try to argue with this has no power over me.
Is not a real Reality.
LOVE wants me to Be
LOVE
Limitless Open Vitality Emerging
I am the warrior queen
In humility, on my knees
Ready to rise and shine for Love’s urgency
That doesn’t need to say pretty please
To the false gods or plastic protection strategies
I am the mountain, tall and steady
And the raging river stream
Pouring into broken places, resurrecting the dream of Heaven
Inside my heart, your heart, the One Heart, one team
Love wants us to see
We are the alchemy of Infinity
I am the radiant goddess
I am the soul mate of my soul
I am beholden to the Beauty
I am the keeper of the Whole
I am
I am
I am
Heartfelt thanks for this gift sister!
Glad this lands well with you. I would invite you to read it out loud, like a rap. you might feel it’s “medicine” vibrating through you as well 🙂
😊
So very beautiful Marian,
thank you Dear Sister
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Powerful! Thank you. You are a skilled writer.
Such encouraging comments today. I am grateful for the article and the reminder to stay on track, to come home to myself. That is my greatest and most important mission right now. This article reminds me of Invictus by William Ernest Henley. I always like the last paragraph of that poem:
It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
I just want to share an experience I am having now. I am looking for work but maybe I haven’t been looking with the right energy. The employer is acting as if they are a perfect fit and they have everything I could ever want. But something does not feel right. They keep dropping the ball. Making wild promises etc.. I think in the past, I would have ignored my gut feeling. But I made a promise to myself to listen to myself, no matter what. So I am listening, and I am saying NO. My soul is saying no thank you. I just have to trust this I guess, because it is kind of scary- knowing that you need to work and turning down a job that outright looks totally acceptable. Anyways, I guess that is what trust in one’s self is anyway.
Time to just piss some narcissists off!!! Whoo hoo!! (by refusing their offer)
Hope everyone is doing well, and healing, day by day, much love to u all 🙂
Love that you are listening to you Molly!!
Thank you for your love to all
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Molly
Loved your comment and content
Yes! Listen to your ” Gut” the Spirit
is guiding your Soul into ALL good. 🙏
Be Still and know” 😘
Stay encouraged ,you are doing well . We all need validation !
Thank you to all others who share their journey ….Tis so cathartic to air and share
Much Love
Dear Molly, dear All, I can’t believe I almost have gotten myself into the same s**t again! Only taking my first baby steps, finally separated from my cheating narcissist husband who turned my life into a living hell the last 10 years, finally starting to open and bloom, and then this! I signed up on a dating app more as a joke, just wanted to see what’s out there, and lo and behold the ‘perfect guy’ is there. I’m so happy I listened to my gut as soon as it started getting too good to be true in only a week, thanks to everything I read and learned with you. Once I started looking into it, ALL the red flags were there, and they keep coming. Man, that was scary. And they look nice and normal at first glance too. Helped me realize I still need to get so much stronger, some more healing to do for sure. Thank you for your work and much love!