Narcissists usually follow various steps when they’re investigating you as a target.
You were probably oblivious to what was happening when you were initially targeted. I know I was – even the second time around!
But now I know better and want you to understand better because narcissists are experts at tricking you and everybody else into believing they’re good.
In today’s episode, I’ll expose exactly how the trickery unfolds and give you tips on how to avoid their malicious hooks so that you can be immune and protect yourself from this ever happening again in your life.
Video Transcript
In today’s episode, we’re going to be covering how narcissists size you up, how they mirror back to you, your own self, your desires, your dreams, and your yearnings, and how they seal the deal by convincing you that they’re good for you or that you can save them, and how you can be immune and protect yourself from this happening to you.
Before we start, I want to remind you to hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already. So, let’s get into this information.
How Narcissists Size You Up
Let’s start off with how does a narcissist work you out?
If a narcissist wants to investigate you as a target, if it’s a new narcissist, or if he or she wants to hook back up with you, they need to work out what makes you tick.
So in the starting days, when a narcissist comes into your life, they will ask you questions. They’re going to tap into what kind of person you are.
Are you bubbly? Are you serious? Are you kind? Are you somebody that is looking for a certain type of person in your life? Are you people who can be hit with compassion or feel sorry for them?
Or what are your hotspots? What do they need to do to be able to get you to hook into them or hook on to them?
How They Mirror Back To You Your Own Self, Your Desires, Dreams, And Yearnings
This brings me to the next point, which is the way that a narcissist can do this. So, first of all, they will start with fact-finding and how they get you hooked into their energy and secure you as a source of narcissistic supply.
From a young age, narcissists know how to manipulate. They know that they have to manipulate people to get them to do their bidding, to be able to drain them of energy, or to be able to do whatever it is they want to do. They know that they need to get your trust. They need to win your trust. Narcissists are very good at mirroring body language.
So, however, you are with your body, they can mirror that back to you, and it’s very instinctual for them; it makes them appear interested. It makes them appear caring.
If you are on a date with a narcissist and want to target you, they will start acting as if they are your interests.
They can be generous, kind, charming, and attentive; if they know you’re a compassionate caregiving person, they may share their sad sob story. They may incite that part of you that wants to rescue them. Men and women can both be rescuers.
How They Seal The Deal By Convincing You That They Are Good For You
How does a narcissist swoop in to seal the deal?
It’s this – the thing you have not received in your life that you want.
Let’s just say that you have had partners cheat on you and want a monogamous partner. You want somebody who’s never going to do that to you again. The narcissist may say to you, “Monogamy is such a strong point for me. I would never cheat on anybody.”
Or let’s say that you’ve never felt seen or appreciated. You’ve always felt invisible in your life. The narcissist will say things that make you feel so noticed, that you are so valuable, that you are somebody worth listening to, and that will make you feel like all your lights have switched on. You feel like somebody in a desert getting a drink out of an oasis.
If you say that you’ve always wanted somebody to love, be vulnerable and honest, and be somebody you can pick up and save. The narcissist will pretend to be that person that needs saving. They’ve worked you out.
This will mean you will feel those strong feelings of, “Oh my God, I’ve met my soul mate.”
I promise you this happened to me. This totally happened to me. It happened to me with the first narcissist. He pretended to be spiritual and evolved and monogamous and really caring and sweet. That was what I was looking for.
The second narcissist, it was very, very similar. I fell for it both times because I still wasn’t whole enough to commit to myself at that point in my life.
How You Can Be Immune And Protect Yourself From This
How do we get past this? How do we stop handing our power away and falling hook, line, and sinker into an energetic, emotional bond with these people where they can take you over? How you do that is to be committed to doing the work on yourself, to be your own healer and savior, and to become whole to yourself.
So, what does that mean? It means that we need to heal beyond being broken children on the inside, which is understandable if we are looking for somebody to give us ourselves.
An example is – let’s say that you were out on your first date, and the clever narcissist will do this … they will ask you questions about your life to find your gap.
The narcissist may say, “What happened in your previous relationships?” Let’s say you’re unhealed. You would say, “Well, my husband … and my boyfriends, they just left me for dead. They were never around. I wasn’t important. They treated me like a convenient object. I did everything for them. They did nothing for me.”
The narcissist will hear that. If they want you as a target, they will say, “Oh, that’s horrible. All of the partners in my life I’ve really valued them.” In other words, they will say, “I am exactly what you’ve been waiting for.” And you’ll go, “Oh my God, I’ve hit payday. This is exactly what I want.”
Now, I’m going to give you an example of what happened when I was evolved, went out dating, and was my own healer and working on my wholeness.
I knew the playbook. I knew exactly what narcissists do. I absolutely went on some dates with some narcissists. That’s fine, and it was wonderful because when they would question me and try to find the gap, I would say, “My previous relationships didn’t work, and it hurt me a lot, but it was so wonderful because it allowed me to heal those parts of myself to get more whole and know who I am and know what I want in a relationship.” You should have seen their head spin because they’d be like, “What do I do with this? How can I hook her with this?”
It was hilarious because I saw them doing a double take to find the gap. Here I am, this person, so grateful and thankful for my previous experiences because they’ve brought me to the table sitting with somebody who won’t hook me in like that. I knew exactly who they were when I saw those responses.
Then it would end up being, “Well, I’ve evolved spiritually from my relationships. You’re like, “Okay, great. What did you learn? What have you read? What healing did you do on yourself?” Hilarious because then they would lie. They would give me BS about their evolution and their graduations. They just come undone right in front of me. Then I’d go … I’m kind of yawning and bored and finishing my meal and drink.
Then we’d walk out to the car, and they’re like, “Well …” And I’d go, “Well, look, I wish you all the best, but I don’t think we’re going to have a second date.” Then they would say stuff like, “You’re right. I didn’t think we would either.”
I’d get in the car and crack up laughing. Just so funny and empowered, I’d punch in the air, “How fantastic is this?” None of that stuff about, “Oh my God, I’ve attracted another narcissist. I’m not healed enough.”
I want you all to understand that this is about being different in the same situations because you’ve taken your power back.
How did I take my own power back? I took responsibility for healing my wounds and my susceptibilities to handling my life, my emotions, my body, the keys to my house, and access to my bank accounts.
I used to do that to people to try and get them to love me. This is what we need to stop doing. Be your healed self. Get into relationships gradually, take your time, and ask the right questions. If something feels off and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. Question it, look into it, and be prepared as your healer.
If this person isn’t a match for you, move on, save yourself the trauma of getting involved with a False Self and trying to make them into a healthy person. I really hope that this can help you.
Conclusion
I hope this has made you aware of how a narcissist can target you and make you think they’re good, and in relationships, they can do it over and over and over and over again.
We’ve all been through that with any narcissist in our life. So, you really need to work out that that’s what’s been going on. Do the work on yourself, so you’re not going to hand over pieces of yourself over and over again to maybe not that person, but maybe the next and the next or the same person over and over and over again.
What is so important is that you trust yourself and that you do the work on yourself. Of course, I know that being involved with a narcissist is so confusing and painful. It’s so hard to work this stuff out with just one video or a few of my videos.
This is why I’d love to give you my free 16-day course, which has two very comprehensive e-books that will give you a lot of relief, clarity, and power back. It also takes you through so many of the things you need to know that will help you. So, you can get on to that by clicking the link at the top right of this video.
Of course, as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
Gosh, you are beyond amazing Mel. You give me so much hope for the future by making me realise that being this kind of empowered person is actually possible, it’s just about doing the hard work of releasing trauma with QFH. I have no words to describe what a blessing you are and what an incredible spiritual teacher you are. 🙏🏾❤️🥰
Hi Sangeetha,
I love that this gives you power and hope.
Much love to you sweetheart!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Amazing. Thank you so very much.
I read your posts every day.
Hi Clint,
It’s my pleasure.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel.
this was just the right video for me today .
You nailed it once again.
I now know how far i have grown and i must learn to trust these instincts .I new they were active in that dating moment but i didn’t trust them. Slowly i have taken these in .
Thanks for sharing your experience in recovery i really believe this was the best video for me so far and today it was spot on what i needed to hear.
That’s awesome Kenn!
It’s great it was perfect for you right now.
Blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Love this video Melanie! About to start dating for the first time after the ending of my two year long divorce battle from my Narcissistic ex from a 25 year marriage. Feeling whole after your program and working thru the many levels of trauma, I’m no longer willing to give away my power. Instead I’m looking to find someone real to help celebrate it. Thanks for sharing some dating advice, I’m going to use it!
Hi Sarita,
you are very welcome. I’m really happy that this resonated with you.
It’s beautiful that you have come so far with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie you nailed with this latest writing.
Very much enjoy your writings.
As always thank you .
It’s my pleasure Mark,
thank you for your lovely comment
Mel 🙏💕💚
Here after several years I got a hoover text today. Tee hee.
Haha Brain,
that was great timing then for this video!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Five years on from the 18 year narcissist relationship. Thank goodness a friend told me to about you Mel.
I was broken! Initially the narc brainwashed our children and my daughter lived with him for over two years! All the rest is textbook and I’d never have known what was happening without you Mel.
Years on, I am in a wonderful relationship. My daughter lives with me full time. I have my dream job. Life just gets better. The narc, he lost his job as a police officer, just couldn’t keep up with the lies and was found to be a predator of vulnerable women whilst on duty. The most important thing, I don’t care anymore, what he does, no contact, and no need, never again!
You save lives Mel. An angle.
Hi Kerrianne,
I’m so happy for you that your life is so beautiful now!
There truly are incredible things and love and truth on the other side of narcissistic abuse recovery
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you!!!! This is exactly what I needed to hear. Your passion and expertise is this area is priceless.
Warmly,
J
For many years I blamed myself, until I began your teachings. I could finally put a name to my ex. He displays 100% of the attributes of a Narc. It’s been 5 years, and he is still pursuing a court case, for a 2.5 year marriage. He lied in court, and was mentally and physically abusive.
He has continued to lie to the judge about finances, his past felony record and how he would not pay child support over $30,000, and was finally caught by courts for abuse, A typical Narc. Hates for anyone to be Better than them.
Thank you Mel…you saved my life
Hi Janet,
I am so pleased that you have come out the other side.
Bless you and your children
🙏💕💚
Hi Mel,
Thank you for this video and all the encouragement. You are Amazing.
With Love and Gratitude
Kondwani
Hi Kondawini,
you are very welcome!
With much love to you too
Mel 🙏💕💚
Gracious teachings,wow! I’m turned on and on by the theuraphic materials your sending to me.Have began to discover myself after going through an abusive marriage with a narssistic spouse,thanks mela,I’m always prepared to read all to have my healing completion, thanks and may the Lord God bless you.
Hi Justus,
I’m so pleased that my material helps.
Many blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Love this Mel…. thank you for all your Inspirational knowledge 🙏🙏🕊
Hi Faye,
I’m so pleased that this resonates with you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie if theirs some small part of you that feels you cant let them go or that they show some traits of narcissism but aren’t a full narcissist .
What is that about? Its like the fear of abandoning the other person or them meeting someone else! I am really confused and just in the middle of a break up. I am doing module one every day several times a day to try help myself. I feel so confused about the reality vs the fantasy and almost like I don’t deserve better!!!
Lisa, I am not an expert but I have experienced the same. For me, it just got cleared that I didn’t feel like my usual happy self, so regardless of whether I figured where or who it was coming from, I realized I couldn’t be myself, tip toeing around a person or feeling like you’re holding back because of a lot of criticisms, etc..then the person is not right for you. The relationship does not feel equal with dignity and respect. Sometimes a lot of the narcissistic boxes are unchecked, but if you trust your gut and your gut says this person doesn’t build you up, but in fact tears you down with little digs, put downs here and there then they’re not good for you.
Hope it helps.
G.
That’s really good. I really appreciate your opinion..
I know my self esteem is low and I have also read a lot about attachment styles so as to understand myself and others better.
This is probably a good thing for me right now to be in the situation I am in that I can work on myself. After being raised by and getting into relationships that seem to be of some narcissism I feel that now I am single and the controller of my own life that I am lost and unsure of what could and can have. Its very I familiar territory for me. No ones telling me what to do and it’s all new and scary if that makes sense?? Xx
Hi Leisa,
Listen to G (below). Trying to figure out is THEY are this or that is a waste of energy.
How are YOU feeling in this ‘relationship’? The connection should give you real sense of joy and security not confusion.
Get OUT NOW and do not look back. I can tell you this without having met your abuser.
The real work and the real pain comes after you break up. I’ll save you some time too…. he WILL get someone else and make sure that you know it.
Thank God for the pain. Melanie did not get where she is without pain. But the NARC abuse pain will bring you to a truth about yourself that no other experience would have ushered into your life. That is WHY we THANK GOD for the NARC. Genuinely.
You will never be the same ever again if you take this opportunity to heal for real.
Please follow Melanie closely – she is divinely sent to help so many people.
All the best – going forward…. This one is FOR you.
Hi Leisa,
what you are describing is incredibly common.
Please Leisa come into the NARP Members Forum (are you a Gold member if not please email [email protected] so that one of my lovely team can hook you up) and you will be able to receive guidance and help with finding and shifting out those traumas.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’d known I was repeating relationship patterns but never knew why until I joined Narp. I no longer look because I realized the most important relationship was with myself. I’m growing and evolving and that’s now my focus. One question I always got and it was very subtly worded was how much I was worth. That was and is a big red flag for me. I’m still learning and growing. Thanks, Mel and team!
Hi Kathy,
I’m so happy for you that you are healing and growing.
Keep up the amazing self-work
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel, this is a great video thank you. I have noticed since doing your healing that I have really good boundaries. It’s one of the ways I know I am recovering. My experience is that the narc will offer something they think you need and then force it on you. My friend, also in recovery calls it ‘the ratchet moment’ when you realise you have to get out, out ,out.
Can you explain the ratchet moment more? X
Hi Linda,
I love it how powerfully boundaries come online from the inner work.
That’s wonderful that you are noticing this!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Mel
I have just recently discovered that my husband is a narc. I have been dealing with this work 17 years. I am so tired of the extreme cruelty of his remarks one minute and then the intense love and adoration the next. It is exhausting. The latest episode has been his ignoring me whenever he does not get his own way or if he feels that I am not giving him what he wants, when he wants. I have become the enemy, the evil monster that he says he “does not need to be with
I have just started you 16 day course and I am already seeing the similarities and the warning signs
Hi Sam,
I am so pleased that you have found your way to this wonderful community and I send you love, blessings and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I was friends with my narc for about 2 years before we started dating (i was so hooked on him so quickly) I thought he was kind, funny, compassionate and I really opened up to him about my past. He convinced me his partner at the time was lazy, selfish and mean to him he convinced me she was the parasite living off him! Oh boy I believed him I felt so sorry for him. Ironic when I look back now I can see the truth, she was being abused by him and so depressed. I was soon in her position when I became the mean wife and he abused me taunting me with women he was just friends with!!
Never again I suffered abuse for years and years.
I praise the day I read Mels article about energy vampires. He’s still targeting me trying to hurt me through my sons but I’m standing strong.
Thanks Mel xx
Hi Sharon,
That’s so great that you have clarity and power around all of this.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is exactly what I allowed to have happen to me which is surprising since I had done years of work on myself as a co-dependent and survivor. I was a willing volunteer in that “relationship” because I was needy vulnerable and desperate. (What I call NVD.) I had to learn an entirely new vocabulary the hard way because I had never heard of words like: “love bombing”, “triangulation”, “flying monkeys”, “hoovering,” “gaslighting” , etc. before. Why, or how would I have? The lesson I learned from this profoundly damaging experience was to set strong boundaries,take power back and love myself. Given my age, experience and education, why I did not protect myself is on me. I take full responsibility for the part I played in that masquerade of love. Even five years on, there are moments when I am still haunted by it, both the good times and the bad.
Thank you, Melanie, for the good work you are doing. Your clear insight has helped me to better understand what I experienced, why and how to move my life forward in a positive direction. I see your work as a compass by which we can navigate, with joy, the difficult terrain of life.
Hi Philip,
I am so happy that you have greater clarity and relief.
You deserve a wonderful life!
Love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank You Melanie! I’ve been dealing with a covert within the family for a few years now, and while it deeply saddens me, in the last few months I’ve realized I just cannot have this person in my life in any capacity. With each passing day, comes more relief and freedom, knowing I made the right decision…there are days that I question and second guess that decision, but they are short lived. I struggled with this, because it went completely against my upbringing! Now I realize the extent I was walking on egg shells around this person, they were constantly on the look out to find something to be offended by, and take issue with, they weren’t above twisting and fabricating issues! I was blamed and made responsible for things I had no part of, which left my head spinning…I searched for answers as to why this was happening and in the process became quite physically ill…I thought I was crazy! The hardest part is, this person has smeared me to others in the family, and they have successfully recruited flying monkeys, and the ripple effect is that I’ve lost/been forced to cut out a number of people…I just shake my head that they’re so snowed that they can’t see what’s going on! Most people think this person is the best, most generous and lovely person, yet my experience has been the complete opposite! I’ve left them all to their own devices, and am finally able to enjoy life on my terms…my health issues are subsiding, and my depression lifting! The sky is the limit, and I can now see so many new possibilites/opportunities, and most importantly, with each passing day, I’m more content and happy!
Hi BreeL,
It’s my pleasure.
That’s beautiful that you are setting yourself free from this – no matter what other people are or aren’t doing.
That is true power Bree!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks Melanie, Your passion and credibility is so powerful and so vital to my recovery. My “Daily Dose of Melanie” and my daily work on the NARP modules is changing my life. I feel I’ve come home. Bless your healing heart.
Hi Joseph,
you are very welcome.
I love that you are coming home to you
Many continued blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear teacher. This brought up my still-accommodated suppression of the already pre-gleaned awareness that I have not just played into, but have also welcomed this game since infancy, through childhood, and on because my heart still knows how to beat in that conditioned way. Because there was no other game in my family (both entire sides). Much later I learned that those family members who weren’t like this had moved to other countries – Uncle Salomon in Buenos Aires, Cousin Rodrick in Chile, etc. This enjoined me to the worldly art depicting the mythos of the resurrection of the burned heart (worldly narcissictically abused in most cases but not acknowledged that way). Because of this and the other, bigger subliminal reality in which narcissistic abuse is organized and infiltrates to cringe-worthy depths our social institutions, the suppressed awareness that is being gradually unloaded is that of my entire world-relating paradigm, including its frame and supports, in addition to the comings and goings of one-on-one relationships. A huge structure to have fall, at present glance. Oh, and this body thing termed unresolved trauma always being the central, hidden derailer. Therefore we have the implied and explicit, hidden and flagrant fool that a human simply is, however knowingly, however joyfully, upon the human path to self-maturation and self-liberation–to the extent one hustles the capacity to decide to take on that responsibility. And, thus I, yeah, will to keep healing, as “there is nothing else to do,” other than evade it and so exquisitely multiply and multi-facet the personal and planetary fool factor. All options are included. Trauma is or can be appropriately contacted, resolved. The feared primal functioning is, can be restored. Knowledge is, can be forever. Just that it’s application is when it seems to count.
Hi Michman,
It is so true that the application of knowledge is so much easier without the internal trauma.
That just is … the deal.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
It seems the trauma is THE one wrench in the works, veiled by the endless (but perhaps not necessarily altogether unfruitful) psychological miasma-con of its effects.
Thank you! Just what I needed to hear at the moment Mel. I made the break from him a few weeks ago and moved over 3 hours away. He’s now basically convinced me to let him (and his two children) move here to be with me. I have no one else here. My brain tells me he is just being loving and saying all the right things just so he can use me again, but I still find myself falling for his words and promises. He knows exactly what to say to me. I’m so scared I’m going to fall for this because I don’t want to look nasty by saying no to him when he’s being so loving. And deep down I know I will end up in an even worse situation than I was in with him before. I really need all the help I can get at the moment to know how to handle this 😢
Hi Zoe,
I’m very pleased that this was timely for you!
That inner feeling is the TRUTH. And I know that you know that.
Hun, your emancipation from this comes from going inside and finding and releasing and replacing that smaller, wounded part that is acqueising to this.
Please come into my free webinar as soon as possible http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn how Quanta Freedom Healing can help you heal and toughen up inside to have boundaries and inner truths that will protect you from going down a path that will be incredibly painful.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much Melanie. I have watched many of your videos and have done your NARP healing course, and it has helped heal my broken heart. I keep hearing Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Melanie the Narcissist Slayer.
Hi Anne,
it’s my pleasure!
That’s wonderful that you are NARPer, and feel so great now, and thank you for your lovely compliment!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
What would a response be from an honest real person if I said what you said on your date? If I mentioned that I know what I’m looking for now, and that I am okay with myself, what would a genuine response be from the other person? I got out of a 30 year marriage from a covert narc, that I didn’t know anything about until the divorce, when this great, nice person that everyone else knew, turned into this vicious, horrible person and totally destroyed my life. so that evilness came out of nowhere. Now I’ve been dating the typical narc, 58 never been married has a 2 corvettes, camaro, all his trophys, arrogant, rich but acts like he isn’t, everyone knows he’s a d*** and so obviously what most people think a narcissist is. I can’t get rid of him…he won’t go away. So with being with 2 different types, what should I look for in a real, genuine person?
Hi Paula,
I believe it would be a humble decent response that would feel healthy in your body to receive. Rather than the narcissistic double-take because of an “interruption” in the playbook.
Please know this, getting to know a person’s substance and character takes time. It can not be assessed with any one conversation.
When you have your own self-respect, life and boundaries (which takes inner development and healing – it can’t be “just learned” from a manual) then healthy boundaries become a part of your life.
Meaning taking your time. Getting to see how a person is in different circumstances. Being able to say “no” to them to honor yourself and see how they respond to that.. Still retaining your own interests and life, being platonic with this person to get to know them instead of throwing your heart, emotions and body into the arena way too soon.
Also getting VERY very clear about what qualities you are looking for in another individual. Things like kindness, nice character, care, teamwork etc, and then don’t commit until you know as well as you can “who” this person in, and then be very VERY prepared to end a relationship if this doesn’t turn out to be the truth.
I’m going to be really CLEAR with you – YES you can get rid of him. That is the inalienable human right that you can enforce when you choose it.
I would also strongly suggest that after you do, really commit to your healing up inside to be the woman who can define, identify and generate the relationship that will fulfill you.
NARP is a powerful way to achieve that http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hmm, I don’t know. All of this sounds for me little bit unrealistic and unpolite first date.
Even before I was unhealed and now more healed, whether the date would be with a normal man or n…I just think it is way too much deep and personal question in a first date to ask
“What happened in your previous relationships?”
Or maybe that question is ok, but I would not give detailed explanations at that point. I refuse to talk bad about anyone, not even the ex n who was merciless abuser. If someone would ask, I’d now just say that “we were not compatible” (heh, clearly not) or “it didn’t work out”. If I will start a relationship with someone, I think then later we can have that deeper conversation. Before that I rely on instinct, intuition, not intrusive questions!
I’d like to think first date as a way to getting to know the person more, keeping the conversation light yet the same time try to pick his “vibe”. Indeed it is a date, not some psychiatric-spiritual session! I’m not going to lecture my date partner on the first date about my “personal evolution” or he’ll think I’M the crazy one!!
I also found it little bit bothersome and arrogant that “you’d get in the car crack up laughing.”
How can you diagnose someone as a n in one hour or less? If that’s immediately so evident, why did you accepted that date with them in the first place?
I think most regular men, bless them, are endearingly interested in things like sports and cars. Maybe not so much about personal evolution and that inner stuff.
When suddenly confronted with these questions “Okay, great. What did you learn? What have you read? What healing did you do on yourself?”…it could be baffling and they are clueless. Those are not so easy questions. Then they just give some answer, because they do not want to appear as idiots. How can you be 100% sure their answer was BS? I think that was little bit arrogant.
I’m not defending n’s. I’m not naiive. Having been with two n’s, I’ve spent quite a many years in a black hole. I must be very very careful not to buy into any excuses or explain away someone’s odd behaviour. But I also don’t want to judge people instantly and do hasty conclusions.
I’m interested in to the study the history of ancient Egypt. It has happened, that the date partner starts to show great interest in that topic too when I mention it, even if they have no knowledge about it and then we talk about this topic during the date. Does that immediately mean they are n’s? No, I don’t think so…I think it’s just polite that they even try to show interest towards something that matters to me.
Well… if someone asked me on our first date to explain what happened with my previous relationships… that’s all wrong town. That’s too personal, too fast. I’d have to laugh straight away, and reply… its pandora box and not open for discussion. Or if he angered me w such a question, I’d probably answer with a similar response as Mel’s. Maybe someone wants to size you up and asks personal questions, but for me… boundaries are critical. Mel was not being arrogant, she drew a boundary.
Maybe I missunderstood Melanie’s message. I understood that she said that we SHOULD “grill” the new date about his romantic past and past relationships. I’d never do that! True, like you said, too personal, too soon! Not even polite. And what does it matter how was someone’s past relationship and why it failed. I’d be more interested in at that point about the future and if that person will be a suitable partner for ME 🙂
People can be completely healthy and normal, but not a match or compatible with everyone, of course not. It doesn’t always have to be so “pathological”. I felt Melanie was trying to find something “sick” with a magnifying mirror from each date partner and that for me didn’t felt…normal. Maybe I missunderstood, hopefully so.
By the way, my parent’s have been married about 50 years now. Neither is a n. My mom has told me, when she was younger and tried to ask something about my father’s previous romantic life from him, he never did not reveal anything and up until today he hasn’t! I think he wanted to be a gentleman. Maybe he thought, what’s in the past, is in the past. Yeah, very nice real life example I’d say. I would not even exist if my parents wouldn’t have continued dating and eventually marry! 🙂
Dear how well you know them!!!! 💕
❤️❤️❤️ this. Thank you Mel for all you wonderful work
Hi Faye,
you are very welcome.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie,
You have so much strength to keep giving and giving email after email.
Staying patient despite misunderstandings.
Healing so many people!
You’re a God send 🙏🙏🙏
Just ❤️❤️❤️❤️ from overseas.
So much love to you Iris.
It is a joy to write and share about what is on my heart!
Mel 🙏💞🦋