So many people are terrified about dating again especially after being narcissistically abused.
But is there a way to navigate dating so that you will never be susceptible again?
Is it about ‘where’ to look for a potential mate?
I really don’t believe so – because our fears and wounds find us no matter where we are.
So … therefore what we really need to look at and understand is WHO you are Being whilst dating – the definite steps you need to make to call in a beloved whilst remaining completely Narc Proof!
Video Transcript
I love this topic because I’m passionate about people understanding this information.
Many individuals have a huge aversion to purposefully dating – they literally despise spending time going out on dates and meeting potential partners. They may loathe wasting their time with the wrong people, as well as the effort and even the money spent when dating.
Shouldn’t the Universe just deliver your perfect partner to you?
Why date anyway?
I’m going to have so much fun answering these questions very soon!
And what about those of us who have been shredded to pieces by narcissists? Maybe we met these people whilst going out on dates.
Many of us have fallen into relationships with narcissists that nearly claimed our lives, so how can we date and not have that happen again?
That’s another question I can’t wait to answer!
So, stay watching because we are going to get into lots of juicy information today about how to date and align with a beloved, whilst safely weeding out narcissists along the way.
Okay, before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Is Internet Dating Dangerous?
Many narcissistic experts will tell you that Internet dating is dangerous … because people lie, misrepresent, and get all sorts of inside information on you to manipulate you, etc.
This amuses me because people we meet during normal day-to-day interactions can lie and misrepresent themselves too. Your next-door neighbour, who you have known for years, could be a compulsive liar and a total sociopath – yet you don’t know it.
Also, so what if people know what your likes and dislikes are and what you are looking for in a partner? This is not a threat if you are not too needy to be susceptible to being love-bombed and if you have healthy boundaries. Which means that you are ready and capable to confront things that feel uncomfortable and you are prepared to have any necessary difficult conversations.
When we get serious about taking responsibility for our life and being a healthy adult, we don’t connect with people at intimate levels before working out what their integrity and ethics are.
If you are a sensible, whole, together human being, then you won’t let a person into your home, bed and body before it’s healthy to do so.
You also won’t let a stranger come to your house or meet them somewhere that isn’t a public place. And you won’t capitulate to do any of these things, even on a second, third or beyond date, if you don’t feel comfortable to do so.
That’s not being paranoid – it’s being real and caring for and valuing both yourself and other healthy adults. It’s about respecting and valuing yourself to take your time to get to know a potential love interest before trusting them.
Regarding the arguments against internet dating – I believe it is the best opportunity to date for virtually everyone who is no longer in their 20’s.
When you are in your 30’s, 40’s and beyond, where are you going to meet easily the right potential partner? Do you have enough friends with single friends? Are you involved in enough clubs to give you a wide variety of choices? These are the questions you should be considering rather than letting in the first attractive person who turns up.
Are you going to try to meet someone at a nightclub?
There are wonderful people on internet dating and there are narcissists, just as there are both in every aspect of life.
People ask all the time, ‘Which site should I go on?’ If you are after a committed relationship, choose a site that is not about hook-ups. I would strongly suggest also joining one with paid membership, as that is a sign of a more genuine intent. But apart from that, your success comes down to the Quantum Truth – which has nothing to do with everyone else.
It is all about WHO YOU are Being.
There are people on the same sites having dreadful experiences and there are people on these sites having wonderful ones. None of this has anything to do with luck and other members on these sites – it is to do with consciousness and inner personal development.
How to Meet Future Narcissists and How to Avoid Them
Regardless of whether you are on an internet dating site, at a party or a friend’s gathering, or walking around a supermarket or a nightclub, living in fear of who you could meet and NOT being your authentic whole self is your biggest danger point.
We attract what we fear – no difference to someone swerving off the road and being focused on and going straight into a tree.
If we have our traumas and fears stuck inside us, then inevitably we will hide out and avoid potential relationships – which means they are eating us alive anyway. And if we try to find love, we risk someone coming in who matches these internal trapped traumas.
Ironically we will think this person is the saviour of our wounds; that they will take the pain away. But they end up smashing us so hard that there is no avoiding our stuck traumas – the disowned parts of ourselves that we were not previously dealing with and liberating ourselves from.
In matters of love, once we start embracing these fears and have a plan with how to deal with them to FULLY become our radiant power and authentic self, I promise you that narcissists will become repulsive to you. And as the strong, buoyant, self-loving boundary beast that you will be – a narcissist will run away and towards much easier prey.
There will be NO taking you down!
If you want to be this man or woman and if you are with me, write ‘Boundary beast here I come!’ below.
Okay, let’s get into the real meat of this…
Be Ruthless With Rejecting Your Old Pattern
The Field of ‘relationship’ at the Quantum Level brings to us the evidence of our Inner Love Code. So let me be really straight with you about this – if you are trying to look for a different person to have a different experience with, you are in Wrong Town.
YOU need to BE the different person who is now aligned with the Love Experience you seek. So how do you break out of your old Inner Love Code and into the new one you want to have? With self-investigation, complete self-honesty and a devotion to reprogramming your Love Code with diligent inner healing.
Most of us in this community have, or had, an Inner Love Code that doesn’t serve us, and it up to us to up-level from the Inner Code to much healthier realities. Let me explain…
My painful Inner Love Code was making me take part in love relationships with controlling, possessive, jealous men. I didn’t have rights; I didn’t have a voice; and heaven forbid if I chose my passions, freedom or self-expression.
I incessantly put up with being controlled and ‘owned’ like this, terribly.
Thank God I realised the pattern needed to stop – and I needed to be the women who no longer lived it. There were many inner beliefs and traumas I needed to shift so that I would no longer be derailed with guilt or fear by these men, thus handing over my independence and individuality.
I also realised that the men I dated had to have the emotional security to not only allow me to have my own life, interests and success, but also to encourage and support it.
I got very clear and had to do a lot of work on confronting, standing up and no longer tolerating – by leaving – if the old pattern emerged again. I am happy to say now I would not tolerate for ten seconds that behaviour, and it simply does not exist in any shape or form in my love-life today (and hasn’t for many years).
There are many different defunct Love Codes. Yours may be unavailable partners, and so there is no way you would tolerate the engulfing, interrogating twenty text messages a day I used to put up with, all the while telling myself ‘It’s because he loves and misses me so much’. Just as I wouldn’t put up with a man going missing for three days and tell myself ‘Oh he must just be busy.’
Back then, even though I was doing my Love Code extremely unhealthily, I was very clear on unavailable men. If one even looked like being that way I’d say, ‘This is not the kind of relationship I’m after. Are you interested or not? Because if you aren’t, don’t waste my time.’ I had zero tolerance and therefore barely ever came across unavailable people, and when I did I could end these relationship potentials easily.
The truth was I had ZERO attraction to these types.
Just as you may say to a controlling date, ‘Do not think I’m going to tolerate you breathing down my neck every minute of the day. You don’t own me!’ and walk away and never look back.
This is the deal – not only are we attracted to the people who represent our painful Love Code, we also unconsciously collude to keep them going.
I used to believe attached, possessive love meant I was adored and wouldn’t be left (I was terrified about abandonment), so I would make excuses for this behaviour and not lay strong boundaries to it out of the fear of being dumped for not complying.
You may tolerate unavailable partners, because a parent was unavailable and you are used to hanging in there waiting for crumbs of affection and attention. Therefore you will make excuses regarding ‘why’ this person doesn’t have the resources or the desire to commit to you.
Maybe you are distraught about how people who are only interested in sex present in your life, and yet when communicating with people you have an unconscious belief that you have to be sexually attractive enough to have a chance with them.
Maybe unconsciously you have been objectifying yourself, rather than being solid inside regarding your worth and value, and therefore commanding that a potential partner will want to spend time to get to know you rather than sexualise you.
This is the thing, when you get very serious about changing your previous painful Love Code you will go through major discomfort – because getting out of the Love Code takes effort. It takes confronting and healing the parts of ourselves that we may not want to own and be honest about.
I had to get super honest about my fears of abandonment, which were causing me to call in and tolerate engulfers. I had to fully go into that terror inside me, hold it, release it and heal myself beyond it. Otherwise, if I didn’t do this, it was always going to give me every excuse – our brain always makes up stories to justify the fulfilling of the Inner Love Code – to keep gravitating towards these people and hang on to them despite their abuse.
I can’t urge you enough to get serious about fully facing and owning what your painful Love Code is. Do you know what to heal within you to no longer partake in this Love Code? What type of potential partner do you need to say ‘No’ to now – just like an addict needs to give up the drug that has been destroying them? What work will you need to do on yourself so that you reprogram your Inner Love Code to be aligned and attracted to healthy people rather than the old painful pattern?
I promise you, if you do the inner work on your Love Code you will get there. I and so many others have achieved this. Personally, now I find engulfers completely off putting. I have zero attraction to them. Today I am so happy to report that I am with and attracted to a decent, caring man who allows ‘me to be me’.
If you would like to – how about sharing your revelations regarding your Inner Love Code below.
I’d love to hear about them!
Employ Gratitude and Growth from Your Previous Painful Relationships
I think it’s safe to say, all of us in this community have baggage. If we have been narcissistically abused, we have lots of experiences about having our souls and lives torn to shreds.
The question is: how are we dealing with this baggage?
Are we being a victim just ‘going’ through this trauma or are we determined to be a Thriver ‘growing’ through it?
The victim believes someone else has to take their pain away for them and grant them the love, approval, security and survival that they don’t feel they can grant themselves.
I used to feel like this too. It doesn’t work. Rather this is a recipe for ongoing relationships of abuse, victimisation and traumatisation.
It is no one else’s job to heal us – it is our own.
The Thriver accepts that their previous trauma exposed what was as yet not whole within. The Thriver has taken on their own inner development so as to not just escape abusers in the future, but also to up-level themselves to a place of self-love, self-worth and self-generative ability that they have never felt before being abused, even if abuse is all they have ever known.
There is no more positive way to grow beyond patterns of being in abusive and toxic relationships than employing gratitude and growth – because when you do this there is no longer a desire to have other people be a source to ‘self’. It means moving beyond being a damaged inner child in an adult’s body, unconsciously looking for a parent to heal you.
When we accept that we must do the inner work, we can grow up inside and then seek another healthy adult to share a healthy life with.
I really believe it is only this generation now that is waking up to understand that someone else doesn’t complete you. To be with a soul mate there is a necessity to mate your own soul first, otherwise, you will find yourself with yet another cell mate – a person who doesn’t heal your inner wounds for you, but rather grants you the evidence of them.
I promise you with all of my heart, one of the biggest inoculations you will ever have against narcissists whilst dating is to be anchored into your gratitude and growth from your previous experiences.
A narcissist is looking for your weaknesses, your unhealed wounds to hook you with.Victims are easy targets for narcissists, because they talk about what has hurt them in the past thus allowing the narcissists to pretend to be the saviour of it. Then, like a parched human in a desert finding an oasis, the victims are snared and in the narcissists’ clutches.
I promise you this used to happen to me too!
However, when you tell a narcissist that you are focused on self-actualisation, being grateful for you your self-awareness and growth and being committed to your evolution, you may as well be holding up garlic to a vampire.
Narcissists detest authenticity and healthy self-ownership and power.
They truly have to get away from it, because it is such a painful reminder of how they are powerless to affect you. Narcissists can only operate in your experience by using the energy of your wounds against you.
If you completely own them, are grateful for them and have them in hand, there is no way to get hooks into you.
Multiple Date with Real People
I truly mean this…
Think of dating like a sales funnel. You are putting yourself out there to more than one person so that there will be a level of interest expressed possibly by several. Then with each of these people, there is follow up qualifying to see if there is a match in order to connect further.
Ultimately the goal is for a real transaction to take place – in this case, the exclusivity commitment between you and one other person.
I know this sound ‘unromantic’. However, please know dating with multiple potential people can be so healthy and incredibly fulfilling. Imagine meeting lovely people – who you have qualified to have integrity and compatible values to you via emails and a phone call before meeting – and enjoying a glass of wine and a meal whilst conducting yourself like a lady or a gentleman getting to know people at a respectful pace.
It’s great fun! Instead of just hoping to be chosen, it brings you so much growth and development as you experience how you can lay boundaries, have difficult conversations if needing to speak up and ask questions, all the while knowing that you are ascertaining whether or not this person is suitable for you.
In the old days, when I was unhealed and not in my power at all, I was terrified of dating and my experiences with it were horrific. To stop going through such ‘horror‘ and potential ‘torture’, all I wanted to do was grab the first likely candidate. No way could I have contemplated multiple dating, let alone thoroughly enjoying it!
Since learning about myself and dating, and determinedly healing myself from my previous painful Love Code, I have loved dating respectfully. I was looking for a potential suitor with similar values, character and integrity, as well as someone who I was attracted to, to commit to a relationship with.
When I started multiple dating, my current partner showed up very quickly. I believe it was because I was completely clear regarding who I was looking for. Also, I believed in abundance and plenty and I was enjoying the dating process without requiring a set outcome.
Importantly, make sure you get out on a date quickly with someone you are in communication with. Don’t get sucked into a pseudo relationship that doesn’t exist. If someone doesn’t want to meet up, move on to someone who does. And don’t get bogged down with or disappointed by one person. If someone doesn’t work out – it’s not meant to be. Look at it as a chance you’ve been given to heal yet something else within you.
There are plenty more opportunities and blessings from The Field. In fact unlimited, if you keep being the person aligned with and generating your healthy truth.
In Conclusion
I truly could go on so much more with this topic, and I can of course in answering your questions!
For those of us who have been narcissistically abused, let’s just go over this again – what I believe are the most important points.
They are:
• Do the inner work so that you are not leading with your wounds.
• Ensure you are very clear that from now you firmly say ‘no’ to partaking in your old painful Love Code pattern.
• Be grateful for your evolution and growth, rather than seeking someone to take the pain away.
• Don’t get stuck, disappointed or bogged down on one person.
• Know that you can be authentic and empowered and are no longer needy of instant hook-ups.
• Make sensible decisions regarding aligning with healthy people with integrity, people with whom you take your time to get to know.
Those of you who are NARPing, you have the perfect opportunity whilst dating to meet and release any triggers of fear within, to keep up-levelling and showing up more and more in your power.
This will generate the reality of a relationship with a beloved – someone healthily aligned with your True Self and True Life. Also you can receive guidance from myself and other successful Thriver daters in the NARP Forum to help you get there!
I so hope this video has helped.
If you know it’s time to get started on the realising and healing of your painful Inner Love Code, I can help you powerfully with your first step to generating a beloved mate – simply click this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Thank you so much for these little reminders of healing. I recently became involved with what had to be the most narcissistic man I have ever met through on line dating. My ex was a covert narc, this one was all over the map and blatant. To be quite honest, I continued to see him to understand more about myself, why I was attracted to him, observing his bravado and watching my words and reactions as a recovered survivor of narcisstic abuse, and damn, like Pavlov’s Dog, everything he said and did was exactly what I had learned and expected. I finally cut it off when in fact, I felt a little guilty for using him as a Lab Rat, but who knows? Maybe he gained something from being up against a formidable woman, not a new source of narcissistic supply. All I know is it was exactly the exercise this is talking about, and I know I am becoming more whole and thriving in my new life of freedom. Thank you!
Yes me too. It’s amazing to see the lesson I need to learn right before my eyes.
Mel,
What’s a reasonable time to date someone and get to know them before intimately trusting them ?
Is it months… weeks ?
Thanks 😊
Hi Jane,
Perfect question.
At least weeks, possibly months.
I think the really important thing is that you both are committed and exclusive even before being intimate – so there is a level of already reached here, and then it is about being friends, seeing if this person TRULY has compatible values with you, and is someone you could see as a partner in life.
So often sex can be the connection, and then when that wears off here is a person you don’t particularly agree with or like and try to change to get compatibility.
Essentially the person you choose is the person you get!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you, dear Mel. I certainly wasn’t doing that… lots to think about…
Me too. Glad to know someone else is doing this too.
Hi Carol,
It’s my pleasure.
That is so great that you are gaining wholeness and power.
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
So I started dating a man 2 months ago. I have never felt this was before In years! He did all the right things. Perfect gentlemen, flowers, held the door. We spoke or texted every night for weeks! He then went to Miami for 3 days on business and never called! I was upset. We had a long talk about being mindful, getting more serious. I then met his kids. I went to his kids school plays. He started to complain about not feeling well and cancelled a couple of dates but still always called. He would say he was going to do little things but wouldn’t. Small red flags. Then poof! He vanished in thin air after another business trip. I never heard from him again. He says we would have the best summer ever with me and brought flowers for mother’s day. In hind sight I see he talked a lot but no follow through. I’m sure he will turn up but I’m done. My Dad was and still is so emotionally unavailable to me and these are the men I meet and hang on to. I must break this pattern.
Hi Andrea,
It is great that you seeing this patten clearly and wish to evolve beyond it.
You’ve got this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Great attitude Mel! You are such good company during a difficult but fulfilling process.
Karin, Sweden
I’m quite terrified and averse to dating. My last relationship was over 3 years ago and ended in a back and forth restraining order and life threatening stalking by him. The dates I’ve been on since then have all been narcissists. Every single idiot I’ve ever dated has been a narc. My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby, neglected and abused me emotionally, verbally, and physically growing up, as well as abandoned me at one point. This atrocity has been embedded in my love code and has reflected in the world around me. My dad was physically, verbally, and emotionally unavailable and unable to love. The partners I dated are all reflections of my narcissistic mother. Considering what I’ve been through, I have to be more compassionate with myself. Even the thought of a relationship terrifies me now because while I see some people in healthy bliss, all I’ve ever known in relationships was trauma. I hope it will change. I am going a lot of healing work on myself.
I hear you. I can relate. I’m the same. Awareness is the first step.
Awww Bhavna,
Big hugs and my heart goes out to you.
Please please know Dear Lady the healing is absolutely possible and so worth taking your time to heal before dating.
Sending you healing, love and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Self Love Boundary Beast!! Hear me roar!!!😀❤️🙏
I can from here Dream1!
You go girl!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Self loving boundary beast, here I come.
LOL!
Awesome, love it!
This video came just in right time for me, to let some painful stuff in the right place- space and native nothingness. I found myself to be presented with people who just want sex. And this is why: I can hear my mother saying I was ugly since I was born, so if someone wants me sexually I must be pretty. I can feel messages from my childhood(and past lives) telling me that I have no right to choose who I like, that I am not important as an individual and not worthy and I should be happy if anyone wants me, so I let almost anyone who wanted me instantly into my life so I don’t lose him( I did the same thing with friends- I would except anyone who showed interest in me without listening to myself if that person fits me). I also was afraid I would get involved emotionally with someone and not like him physically, what would I do then? These beliefs were so painfull for me, and the actions I took following them.
Hi Sofija,
This is great that you are understanding this to unravel and heal it.
Are you working with NARP to target and release the traumas driving these beliefs?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Also please know you don’t have to do this alone, the NARP Forum is there to help support you and guide you to make powerful and fast breakthroughs in these areas.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Lots of love
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Self loving boundary beast, here I come!!
just recently a man, I had fancied an he me, asked me for coffee which I think might be a first so I was excited by that. when I agreed to go I had thought about the time of day it was late evening and I questioned this time of night even though I don’t drink coffee tea after 8. so handed a little power away there. we chatted he invited me to go anytime. next day I messaged him he took his time answering when he did answer it was like he couldn’t be bothered. so I started to question myself. then I had a look on his fb page found a couple of quite negative things hed posted then an ex girlfriend of his had posted on his page about a holiday they had in Australia belief it or not I am from England. they were on a beautiful beach she had wanted to walk along shore he had told her to bugger off he was on holiday. another comment was she was very angry with him coming back from holiday. I totally turned myself around thought this isn’t a person I want in my life. my point is I wouldn’t have done that before I would’ve been very disappointed going back over what id done feel like I have moved on slightly also was aware of my boundary violation which I wouldn’t have been before. not quite there but definitely on the right tracks now. x
Jenny
Coffee at 8pm is ludicrous. There’s no question here – good for you to have noticed…. even for de-caf :). ANY such strange invitation is to be declined immediately in my opinion. Strike one, two and three.
Self-loving boundary beast, here I AM!
Been having an awesome time meeting men this year!
Hi Asha,
That’s so lovely.
Go you, sweetheart!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
What a great video! This is exactly what I needed to hear and see as I stepped back into the world of internet dating LOL! It is been 6 years since my relationship with a narcissist started. I haven’t been in any sort of contact with him for three years and feel so healed and ready to meet someone new. I love your idea of just dating and enjoying a nice meal and having a good time and not getting serious and having too many expectations. I can see where this was my pattern before. Also, exposing my wounds at the beginning. That was a huge mistake and attracted me to this particular narcissist who would eventually take advantage of me and lie repeatedly about everything. But I can see now that I ignored several red flags at the beginning.
Melanie thank you so much for your emails… I love being part of this community. It is help me tremendously and I have learned so much.
Hi Linda,
I’m so glad this is helpful!
Awww how gorgeous that has given you the clarity and hope to enjoy respectful dating!
It is such a beautiful experience.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie, this video reinforced my most recent dating experience. I have never heard the words, ‘inner love code’ and how perfectly it describes the internal process that matches the external. With this last dating experience, I could feel something inside me that was activated, an energy, that was wanting to drive my choices, but I KNEW this guy was WRONGTOWN. I danced at a distance on text with the unavailable , sexually objectifying man just a bit ; partially to figure out myself and partially my old pattern. (And all the while, I could remember hearing myself tell a friend, ‘I don’t know why I’m attracted to this guy. I think it’s unconscious stuff) Thank God, I got clear in a short 1 week and have no more contact with him.
This video suggest writing down my inner love code to get crystal clear and I am eager to do that. Your work has given me a path for healing long-standing wounds. I appreciate your work in this evolving body of work with Narcissists. Thank you!
Hi Cathryn,
I’m so pleased it has.
That’s awesome that you realise that it is the work within where we take our power back and change our Inner Love Code.
You’ve got this!
Blessings and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This is exactly where I’m at, I need more of this conversation. I’m part of the NARP Family but haven’t been on forum yet.
I got confirmation last wknd how I am not attracted to men like my ex husband anymore. Actually disgusted. I was attracted to the unavailable emotional man all my life & would wait forever for crumbs. I have not been attracted to that type at all anymore & see them a mile away. Yay! That’s over.
Unfortunately, my last relationship that ended 6 months ago was with an engulfing altruistic narc. And even though I left him bc i felt smothered, anxious bc of his passive aggressive guilt trips & my body got ill. His good sides were amazing and those are hard to get over. Even though all that, I miss him now bc im not meeting anyone interesting.
I just finished the 10 modules of the QFH… I will continue, maybe I need to go over a couple of modules. Maybe I’m not ready to date?
All your videos & lessons have helped me heal through a very difficult time. Thank you! Anna 🙏🏼💕
Hi Anna,
I am so glad you are enjoying this conversation.
Come into the NARP Forum! There is so much richness and empowered positive growth there http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
That’s wonderful that you are having this graduation and uplevelling.
We can certainly help you get to the freedom of being ready to date, being able to purge the last relationship effectively, and the guidance of navigating it healthily.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I really enjoyed this, Melanie. I feel that this is exactly where I am now, and I am looking forward to meeting a healthy, loving partner. All the boundaries that I needed for so long are finally in place, and I do feel so grateful for all the clarity I’ve found by watching/reading your videos and spending the time to heal myself. I’m amazed that I can actually say how happy I am to have taken responsibility for my life and happiness. I no longer wait for others to bring it to me. Forgiving myself and others has been so healing and freeing.
What you do is tremendous. I was introduced to your site in 2013 by a co-worker, and I constantly think about what a blessing you have been and the peace I have found and continue to find since then. Big hug & kiss to you! 😉
Awww Peggy,
You are so sweet!
I’m so happy for you beautiful lady that you’ve done the inner work and freed yourself to this level.
Thank you for your words.
Much love to you and continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Love this video. Ive been on this journey for over a year, learning to heal, listen and respect my beautiful inner self after 2 marriages to Narcs-one 26 yrs and the other 3. Strangely enough one was emotionally unavailable and the other was smothering- both boiled down to a way to control!!! So now I am on line dating and my male neighbor is the one that told me to just expect to have fun and go out on many dates. So I met someone about 3 months ago and I now are dating. My issue is the sexual objectification. Ive never heard that term but I know that I have a concern. So when I was a young adult men would always comment on my looks/ my smile/my body my sexuality. At first the complements are nice but then I get bothered by it…Like can we move on from that, I’ve heard you and appreciate that you find me attractive. So now as a much older adult, dating again….the same is happening. I believe this guy is genuine and we do talk about other things and do lots of things together, but I still feel uncomfortable when he says things like that. So my question is….is this a red flag on him or is it a red flag for me to look into how I handle this type of stuff? (This is the only place I have shared this b/c it makes me uncomfortable). But now I see I have this recurrent thing inside that is bothered and I would like to work through it) Ive never been able to put it into words until this video.
Hi Lisa,
This is such a great question and I totally relate! 100 percent!
This had been a huge issue / pattern in my life too.
Truly I don’t believe being sexualised is healthy. It is objectification and it also often goes hand in hand with partners who can’t really be trusted to not do this with other women – even to the point of cheating, and also they are the types that replace/ discard very easily.
If the most important focus on relationship really is sexual gratification then you are not truly adoring your heart and soul.
I believe that when we heal and evolve we find this really off putting and distinctly like there is something wrong. because there is.
Before my relationship now, I was very much done with that, because I found it not just unsatisfying but eventually quite violating.
It was like “hello there is a real person and a soul in here!” “Can we please have some communion at that level!”
It truly was such an effort to!
I got very clear I wanted respect, and to be cherished and valued this time.
My partner now and I have a very connected sexual relationship, yet it is wonderful to have romance, connection and conversation without sexualisation and objectification taking place.
I feel valued and cherished. He’s also the type of man who was single for some time without needing sexual gratification from women to ‘exist’ – as the types who sexualise women do.
There is a huge difference.
There is also no comparison in intimate connection with a man who is capable of communing with your soul and making physical compliments in ways that are lovely – not objectifying.
We deserve real respectful soulful love.
You say that this is not the only focus and that you do other things together. Can you tell him how the comments feel to you and what you require from him instead and see where it falls?
Maybe he just mistakenly believes this is what you want. If he is a decent guy he will have empathy for your feelings and genuinely meet you at the level you require – if he has the resources to.
Some important questions are, does he do touch and interaction tenderly without the emphasis on objectifying you or getting off? Is he respectful sexually when you are not well or not in the mood, or does he continually try to persuade you?
Does he have sexual dysfunctions which could indicate he had sex or porn addiction, which these types can have?
If, after you tell him how you feel and what he needs from you, he argues his point, invalidates and tries to talk you out of your feelings, or just keeps doing it – then I suggest moving on.
I am passionate about this topic because it was a hurdle for me, and I hope this conversation has helped you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Boundary beast from here on out.
Thanks
Power to you Janny!
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I need help. I have been married for 23 years and my marriage has been rocky right from the start of the marriage but thought that it would go away with time. I didn’t even know that there was a word to describe these types of partners until I stumbled onto your youtube channel and got hooked. Melanie – despite listening and reading all the materials you send me, I can’t seem to detach myself. I have two grown children 22 and 18; have no job (as I was forced to quit) and can’t seem to get enough energy to pick myself up. The fighting and threats around the house have sapped up every ounce of energy and I have completely lost interest in life, my children and any relationships around me. I am so unhappy and can’t seem to find a reason to live. My children are unhappy as their father is a bully and we all live in constant fear as he is the only source of livelihood. Recently, we got another catastrophe when he lost his job and the future is not looking good. I am not expected to give input into how our family is run and I sit back and watch for fear of an outburst/insults/threats. I can not leave the house without explanation and it has been this way for 2 years now and he has even installed a tracker in the cars and is able to stop the car using his phone. I am not allowed to visit family members and this has caused a big rift with my mother and siblings. I know that this is not a life – but I can’t seem to figure out how to straighten my life. I am 47 and I feel I lost my opportunity to make my life good. I live in Kenya and child support is not enforced – deadbeat fathers is a common phenomena. I stay because the children need to complete college so that they can have an easier start in their own lives. If I left, he is surely going to abandon paying their school fees. I really hate this man; I hate myself for never being strong to say enough is enough; I feel sad that my children are so unhappy because of this relationship – they are so lonely and sad as they are not allowed to see relatives or friends. I really don’t know how to end this…..as the fighting spirit is diminished. I am so weak and I stopped engaging him in any conversations. I don’t even try. I am writing this message at 4:30 am and I have not even slept a wink. I am always so tired and desperate.
Hi Jud,
I hear you and my heart goes out to you.
Jud the real healing is the inner work, my blogs and videos are only supplements to that.
Myself and the other people who have broken free and healed, even from the most hopeless of situation (please know so many of us understand rock bottom) have done so because of NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
This Program allows us to do the inner work in our subconscious programs and free us from the trauma bonding – at the only level it works – within our Being.
I can’t recommend it as your solution enough, and please know you have a full guarantee to try it, and incredible resources and support from myself and the entire NARP community, which humbly creates incredible true healing every day for many people.
Please know there is hope.
Sending strength, healing and breakthrough to you
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have been with the same Narc on and off for about five years I am a snowbird in Florida 6 months and Canada 6 months. He discarded me cruelly and I stayed on my own for the following 3 years and then he came back apologizing profusely for the way he treated me said he had gone for counselling and that he was a changed man to please give him a chance t show me. While in Florida on 2 separate occasions I financially supported him. This time it took about a year and a half for his mask to crack. Near the end of season this past winter he started accusing me of having affairs again which never occurred but he insisted I was online. He started lying to my friends in the park and abruptly got on a plane to come back to Canada, I freaked and begged him to come back so he did but he didn’t want me to speak with my friends and told them not to text or talk to me. That it was just him and me now. That whole thing was not sitting well with me so I texted my girlfriend to ask her what was wrong. I found out he had lied to them, to me, and his own mother about me. I confronted him and he discarded me again and came back to Canada saying it was all my fault for having an online affair. When I got back to Canada about a month later I ran into him at the checkout counter at Walmart with a new girlfriend. He denied that were involved then later admitted to meeting her at an auction. Then yesterday asked me if I would go out for a drink with him!? I didn’t but he has me so confused and hurt by his behaviour. After he took off the first time when he got back with me he started talking to me like I was some 2bit whore. I feel completely devastated. I would so love to take you ur Narc course but I just can’t affrd it right now. He has put me in financial debt I have to get out of. Is there any way I can do this healing on my own or self help books?
Hi Charlene,
Please know Dear Lady we do have sponsorship arrangements for people who deeply require NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp for those who have financial hardship.
I don’t want anyone in need to not have access to it’s healing power.
Please Charlene email [email protected] and explain your situation
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Very useful article, lifesaver! Okay, let me share. This man I recently met is the first one after the n. At first I was turned on, now very turned off. This is very good, because I can see I’ve come a long way (with the healing etc.) since the n! But I’m sad also, another failed relationship attempt, again. My friend tried to comfort me, that it is not a failure but a breakthrough! But I just cannot take people/men are mere objects, like do they fit my relationship ideal and then move on if they don’t. Everyone leaves a mark in my heart…yes, I’m sad. And it is such an irony, I’m sure this man would be many women’s “dream man”, tall, dark, handsome, very wealthy. Has a dog, doesn’t drink alcohol, how awesome. But I started to notice, he does not “tune into” me at all!! As if he didn’t have a heart, seems to be somehow cold. It felt bizarre how he said he wants to enjoy my company and be with me as much as possible, and in reality, nothing that I asked, said or felt didn’t honestly seemed to interest him. Maybe some women would happily play the role of a trophy wife with this kind of a man, but I just couldn’t…If there’s no genuine connection, no common ground, why would I want to be in a relationship with such a man? Whyyyy?
He also said he is a “workaholic”. Working hard is a good trait for a human being, but any kind of compulsive behaviour is not. I know because I used to be addicted to many things, maybe unconsciously to avoid myself! So when I see this pattern in other people…no good. If he is not connected for real to himself, how he could be genuinely connected to me? He wasn’t! I’m very very proud of myself, that I have started to pay attention and notice these things! I didn’t had this awareness before, probably that’s why I ended up with the n!
Also, it made me uneasy and uncomfortable when he said he wants to spend a night with me. He hasn’t never even visited me in my house before! And then immediately stay the whole night. Even if I could have sex, the thought of him to stay there until the next morning freaked me out. It’s too much, too soon, too much intimate. Now I joke but…even if I could handle the sex somehow….but then the next morning, wake up and no make up, puffy face, morning breath, going to toilet…I don’t want a man early on the relationship see me when I’m at my “worst”! 🙂 Maybe then when we have been married like 30 years…And I have eczema in my skin, I do not want to be seen without clothes immediately! I barely know this man.
When I tried to explain him all of this and my concerns…now my heart hurts, that was basically the end of the “relationship”. I haven’t heard about him since! This is how easily he gave up on me, dumped me, like I was garbage or something.
I can be gorgeous and awesome but I have also this “less than perfect” side of me, because I’m a human! Obviously, that was too much to him. I set boundaries, showed vulnerability, my humaness, thought I did the right thing, was brutally honest…and it drove this man away.
I’ve done so much healing already that I “know better”. Maybe 80% of me is healed, I feel, but then there’s still 20% of this reactive part of me. For a couple of hours, couple of days, I felt like, I was panicking: I am wrong, men do not like me, this failure was my fault, I can never get any man, I’m no good in relationships, I should have behaved better and not “confront” this man, I should’t have been this much honest so soon, why I can’t just have a normal relationship like all the other normal people, men don’t like/want me, because apparently I’m a horrible person. Gosh, I really needed to wrestle with me to regain balance again!
Part of me wants him to “return”, part of me knows that no way! If he is now ignorant workaholic and doesn’t care, it will not get any better, he will be the same in the future too! He was too much interested in sex for my liking.
My pattern has been to be with people who emotionally abandon me (like my parents), who indeed do not tune into my inner world. Bingo, just like this man! I’m very happy to notice this and become even turned off. In the past, I would have become very attached to, attracted and cling to this kind of a man! Now I already have more awareness…
I love this saying, we can never be everyone’s cup of tea. If I’m being just myself and a man doesn’t like that…then what can I do about it…nothing.
I have often been treated by men and received such a low behaviour from them I would never accept from female friends, other people, work colleagues, from anyone! Even if men and women are different genders, we are still all humans, why is it than human beings can’t treat other humans humanely? This is what I been often thinking 🙁
Some older relatives, evil aunts tell me that I’m too “picky”, therefore I don’t have a man (I’m over 40). As if I should lower my standards. Gosh, I’ve already been with a n, how much lower can you get!? For me a relief has been to realise: We don’t really need “a man”, relationship for anything per se. This is not a Jane Austen era where your survival depended on a man! So there’s really no need to settle for anything less than perfect. With perfect, I mean healthy relationship for the right reasons (feel love, connection, caring…). So the choices for me are to be in a healthy relationship or no relationship at all. Is this a good, healthy way to think? After the n, trying to get a grip of the concept of normality has been quite difficult… :/
I loved to be able share all of this, even when it’s all not so positive!
So whether this man is n, or normal or whatever…something seemed to be “off”. Maybe I indeed need to take that as a red flag.
Hi Anna,
Okay lovely lady truly it is all happening ‘for’ us and not ‘to’ us.
I hope some of this following can help you … I truly believe after dating and feeling ‘sad’ or ‘hurt’ or ‘needy’ in any way (which of course is totally normal!) this grants a beautiful opportunity to turn inwards, claim, release and heal a vulnerable as yet unhealed part of us that has been triggered.
Because I promise you there is only gratitude for the experience and no pain when you have.
And this has NOTHING to do with treating men as ‘objects’ as all – or being cold and hard.
It’s in fact glorious evolution and honouring the exchange that took place at the highest and most respectful level.
Have you looked at NARP to effectively and powerfully cellularly uplevel old belief systems and traumas into new empowered ones?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Truly hun when you keep rising up into your True Self in regard to men and dating, there won’t be any focus on ‘would he accept me in my not perfect state in the morning?’ That won’t even cross your mind because you are anchored into being totally lovable and acceptable as you are.
You would have healed all of the wounds regarding ‘I won’t be loved and connected to unless I’m perfect’ which is such a recipe to keep unconsciously generating the experience of superficial, non-heart based, emotionally unavailable men.
(See the connection?)
Those painful beliefs absolutely can be healed within with the right inner work, which NARP does.
Then all that would remain in this exchange is ‘there is no way I’m having sex this soon with a man who is not connecting to me, making an exclusive commitment to me, and whose values I don’t even know yet!’
And there would be no justifying your decision or saying it is ‘your issue’ with your self doubts.
This man was never healthy enough for relationship consideration with any woman who values herself and desires true emotional loving connection.
And what a beautiful graduation to get past the smokescreens and anchor powerfully into THAT truth.
That’s a huge graduation towards signalling the Universe into clarity of the man who needs to be delivered to you.
But these edges you are feeling, need to be cleaned up within your subconscious programs, meaning your emotional visceral self to get there.
That is my greatest suggestion through to the love and the life that will truly enrich you.
Sending love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie!
Thank you, I really appreciate your time and answer with my “issue”!
By the way, I have a dear friend, already 70 years old woman, has been with this man many years, and she still wakes up earlier in the mornings than him in order to put some make up! I think we (all?) women can be endearingly insecure in this way.
This is such a delicate time for me, with the n, it was not just a “bad relationship”, every aspect of my life suffered greatly. So if I can now detach from this man after 5 weeks and not end up being with him 5 years (like with the n)…this is progress! 🙂
I do not want self-pity, “poor me” -attitude or blaming and dwelling in the past. But I was bullied at school, abused by my father and then as an adult, abused by the n. It’s been very challenging for me, like a total turnaround in my mindset to realise and remember that no, that is not okay, not normal, not acceptable. I deserve to be treated well and with respect, no matter what, simply because I’m a human. Like be very firm with this and do not be a doormat anymore. The new identity feels unfamiliar sometimes, like fitting new shoes! 🙂
Even after the n abuse, I do not want to become cynical or give up hope. I wanted to do all normal, sweet, relationship things. I had high hopes regarding this new man.
But this man is not suitable at all, this has made me sad. But well…I’ll just keep calm and carry on 🙂
Hi Anna,
Oh gosh I feel sorry for her, because truly her husband I am sure couldn’t care less and is probably more disconnected from her this way, than if she didn’t.
Quantum Law is absolute – so within so without. If she doesn’t unconditionally love herself chances are that’s not truly how he feels about her either.
You can’t ‘do’ or ‘get’ love with doing makeup before being seen in the morning. You can only ‘be’ it (makeup or not!)
Yes we can have our insecurities Anna, but personally I release them from my subconscious because I have had the experience of trying to be loved and approved of by others, when never feeling inwardly lovable and attractive enough to be loved – and the results were very painful and just kept showing me how I really felt about myself.
Anna, this is great progress indeed! But don’t we want to never stop healing, expanding and breaking forth into true wholeness within, where what we desire in our outer life can easily fall into place?
I know as a previous dating coach and a prolific past dater myself that if any of us have ‘high hopes’ on someone else turning out then we are still not a solid source of love and approval to ourselves. The outer turn up of a person more ‘right’ will never fix that, because no-one at a higher frequency is coming. It’s only the inner work that can shift that.
My suggestions to you are in no way criticisms, they are me seeing the potential you have to truly shine and nail real love inside and out.
Which is no less than I desire for me and all of us!
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
What I mean with “high hopes”, is actually just normal, healthy expectation: that a man would be “normal”, healthy. I know many women have a long “list” and I joke that nowadays (after the n) my list is very short, I basically only hope that the man would be so called normal.
I think the good thing with healing work is also not only what we can attract but what we have stopped to attract, like toxic, dysfunctional people, bad relationships…I always joked/feared that I end up being an old maid, but recently, if I’m painfully honest now, I’ve started to feel, maybe relationships just are not for me. I fail every time, I become stressed, and I don’t need that kind of unnecessary stress into my life. Part of me of course would still want to have a relationship. But…part of me has, or wants to, give up. When I think about my life…I have graduated from university, I have travelled in many countries, I have good female friends, sisters, I learned easily foreign languages, I’ve had so many pets, horses…there are so many good things I can be grateful and so many things that other people have not necessarily ever experienced…There’s so much social pressure in our culture, society, to be coupled, but I think I don’t really “need” a relationship for happiness. Currently I’m very disappointed with men. This sounds gloomy and doomy, but I actually feel peace of mind when I think that even if I will never have any success in the relationships area, I think I can have a happy life anyway! Some people apparently have good relationships but not me, but it is okay. I’m not cynical, I want to be “realistic” 🙂
Thank you Barbara for your comment, I think I was sharing “too much” but I’m very happy if someone found that useful!! <3
Hi Anna,
We are kind of on different pages and that’s okay.
As my last note to you, the work on ourselves, when we do it cellularly directly in the subconscious programs we all carry – means the beliefs that create our outer life reality to the letter change.
Such as disappointment in men, it always fails for me. Maybe I’m meant to be alone.
That stuff looks like it’s happening ‘out there’ and until we realise it’s all set up ‘in there’ we are powerless to get off that as our reality – no hard we try.
By working on the subconscious which has 95 percent of our life on autopilot it all changes.
Disappointment goes, pain goes and the matching experiences leave and the new ones we want enter.
That’s not logical work, it’s deep inner, specific focused work. It’s NARP work.
Myself and so many others are the miraculous living proof of becoming the change we want to live from the inside out – after trying everything else that didn’t work.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Anna thank you for sharing, can totally resonate with you and very similar to my experiences…….I will be working on Melanie’s response below.
Melanie,
I don’t mean to be mean, but was it last year you told about some break up you had with some man. It happens…I mean, no matter how much we “feel love inside”, sometimes relationships just doesn’t work, and it doesn’t mean there’s still a huge amount of unhealed stuff within us (even though I might still have and have had).
I’m sad you didn’t “get” me, like this man didn’t either. What I wanted to say is that for now I focus on connection with myself, life, be happy no matter what and be grateful for what I do have and not focus what is lacking (like a relationship). I think that is what law of attraction teachers mean with “detachment” and that is the only way to attract “more of the same” (the good stuff).
If I still feel anger about my unavailable ex not wanting to spend time with me does that mean I’m not ready to date?
Hi DMJ,
The anger means that the trauma and the painful belief is still within you.
I would definitely work hard on releasing that with NARP to completion, rather than having to be granted that opportunity to process unresolved traumas and beliefs again.
It’s time to let it go and go to the next level.
No-one is coming to fix this for you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thanks.
We are still friends and that is part of the problem.
Hi Mel
I have watched your videos and read your blogs and they are all helpful. I just have a question simple as it may be. When you say that if someone does come our way who have the right love code why is it we sabotage or reject them it is because our defense mechanism is responsible for being in survival after abuse or is it because we don’t simply love ourselves at a basic level and anyone finding that out is frightening so we therefore reject them first and then realize the mistake of doing so. I find it so hard to trust my real feeling’s and subconsciously believe that they don’t really like me it’s weird. I am second guessing myself and I don’t know why I do. Have all the symptoms of advanced trauma no suprise there really. I have been single 16 years since the narcissistic relationship and unfortunately it was my first one in my early 20s. Been really hard.
Freya
Hi Freya,
This is such a great question!
Our subconscious program controls 95% of our life by the time was are 35. How we think and feel, who we choose and the other choices we make.
If our inner program is ‘people who love me hurt me / leave me’ (whatever it is) then people who are capable of cherishing and committing are not a match for this program.
You literally will not have any chemical attraction to them. And because they are healthy inwardly (you can only grant what you are inside) they won’t be attracted because their program doesnt match.
So it always gets back to the same truth – no-one is coming to fix this for us. We need to go inwards and heal our own inner program.
The logical reasons are really inconsequential, because that could manifest in any number of ways – what is important is the programs because they do what subconscious programs do -bring their beliefs to life to the letter, no matter how hard we try to think and strategise our way out of it.
Freya, are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
It is the inner transformational process to heal and change your subconscious Love Code.
I hope this explains.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I would like to know if the following happenings of my ex wife is a narcissist: had five affairs while we were together, lied all the time, while we were living together she actually married and divorced a man (unknown to me at the time), pulled a gun on me twice, always accused me of cheating, accused me of child molestation so she could get more money in the divorce, screamed at me saying “I should have killed you when I had the chance”, told me she would remarry me if I would buy her an expensive house and car and when I said no- she got married three weeks later, shot my toy poodle, etc, etc
Hi Peter,
This is a seriously disturbed individual who would probably qualify for multiple personality disorder diagnoses.
And Peter we can get very caught up in trying to work out exactly ‘who’ they are, however this is the only thing we EVER need to define – ‘this person is not my reality ever again, and I need to heal from the trauma I went through and my original wounds and subconscious programming so that I never stay in an unhealthy abusive relationship again.’
I hope this gets this into preservative for you Peter.
Our healing, emancipation and evolution lies in us taking our power back and making our learning and healing about ourselves.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for your response. I am well on my way to healing – no contact has been my savior along with your articles. I, like so many others, questioned my sanity until I got away from it with the absolute no contact
I am a Self loving boundary beast!!!
Dear Melanie,
thank you for this video 😉 I am doing that and thank you for confirmation that I am on the right path 😉 towards meeting and having a healthy love relationship <3
Thank you again,
Ksenja
It’s my pleasure Ksenja and I’m so pleased this helped.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hello
I have subscribed to QFH – I think this post and your newsletters are an absolute GAME CHANGER and God send.
The best investment.
Thank you
Just wow Mel!! After years of recovery and healing, I have once again stepped into internet dating! It is so different this time. The last time I did this, I was so traumatised, so broken and ended up in another narcissistic relationship which nearly broke me. I finally feel healed. Finally feel empowered. I am going on a date tonight. Will he be ‘the one’? Maybe, maybe not and I am totally ok with that.Im am just going to enjoy the experience. I am also talking to other people on line and that will continue, until I make the decision not to.. Thank you!
Awesome Jodi!
I love hearing reports like this!
Go you!
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Although I’m a diehard Narper thriver…..I will not do online dating. My time is too precious and I’m not desperate to be in a relationship to engage in this online stuff. I’m open to meeting men as life presents but I don’t force these things. If I do, I do and if not, not. I find online dating degrading truth be told. Mel, did you meet your current partner online? Can you share this with us.
Hi Bee,
Absolutely this is a choice.
Bee yes I did meet him online. And just before I read your post, i was thinking how deeper my love and connection to each other gets every day.
I am blessed to have connected with him.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I’m not a dater though some wacko cult would like that, I am in the cosmic flow and disrupters need to be hospitalized.
I posted above in November 2019 and since am more open to dating. I’ve just realized I had a lot of no’s instead of yes’s which were subconscious fears that were showed up. I Moduled. I’m realizing if I truly want a healthy love relationship, I must be open to authentic love by not blocking it with all my excuses. I’m aware of non available, red flaggers etc. I know my values and boundaries…..so….. when I do online even tho my pix are nice, I hardly get any responses. Of those that do Respond, most are non negotiable…. they respond inappropriately. So if I don’t have that many responses, often there is no one to respond back to or maybe only 1 or 2. So how can I go on many dates? Ha?The men move on fast as more ladies join. Each day there is more candy for them. The men on the other hand are not much appealing.