A narcissist always has an agenda, he or she is constantly on the lookout for someone to fill the void.
And when they hone in on their target the grooming process begins.
First they’ll take note of everything about you and ask probing questions all while flattering you.
Then they’ll use their chameleon-like qualities to become somebody that you’re immensely attracted to. They will mimic you and even mirror your body language to create powerful feelings of connection and trust.
This is a trap, so watch out!
In my latest Thriver TV episode I bring you clarity on how you need to conduct yourself whilst dating so you do not end up in a narcissistic and abusive relationship.
Video Transcript
In today’s episode, I want to explain to you how a narcissist slips into a role of compatibility with you to groom you and how a narcissist will then fact find what he or she needs to.
Then what the narcissist will shapeshift into to fully hook you and how and what you need to look for and how you need to conduct yourself whilst dating in order to not be in a narcissistic abusive relationship.
The Compatible Game
Let’s get going with the first point that I want to talk about which is the compatible game.
A narcissist will literally mimic you because the thing is, you’re going to be attracted to somebody who’s like you, so they pretend that they are like you.
They notice the way you act, the way you think, and the way you even converse. And if a narcissist has decided that they want to try to hook you and try you on as supply, they’re going to mirror you.
So, they might even start mimicking your body language the way you sit, the way you lean forward, they’re going to lean forward. Because what that does is it creates subconscious, very, very powerful feelings of connection and trust.
Incessant Questioning
Then that will leads to the next stage, which is incessant questioning. But they’re not going to do it in a way that feels intrusive, it’s going to feel as if the narcissist is really interested in you. This is going to feel really validating.
So this person, he or she, will come across as caring, empathetic, and that they listen. And that’s very true because at the start a narcissist is listening and the reason they’re listening is not because they care about you, they’re listening because they’re fact finding.
They’re asking questions to work out your style, what you like, what you don’t like, what are your dreams? What are your aspirations? What do you want in your life? And what has hurt you?
That point is really important to understand.
The Shapeshifter Act
Once the narcissist has gathered information, and it can happen actually very quickly, the narcissist will morph into the shapeshifter.
This means that this person is going to present … they’re a chameleon. They can present however they need to be what you want, what you would expect, what you would like for somebody that you’re immensely attracted to. So, they can pretend that they love the things that you love, that they’re interested in the same things.
Or if they don’t know about it, they’ll say, “Oh my gosh! That’s something I’ve always been interested in. Would you show me more about that? Would you take me to do that with you?”
And this is so relevant. If they find out what has hurt you, so for example, you’ve been cheated on before, or you were with a partner who was never present, or you were with a partner who was jealous and insecure, they will tell you they are not that person.
That they’ve never been that person, that they would never consider behaving like that. And they may even tell you that they’ve experienced the same with their partners and what a relief to find somebody who’s been through what they’ve been through.
Or if they realize that you’re a really empathetic, caring, fixing type of person, that they may tell you all the things that have happened to them to incite and call forth that caring giving nature that you have that likes to rescue people. They’re very good at this.
Narcissist Inoculation
How do you make sure that this doesn’t happen to you?
How you do that is you become ‘narcissist inoculation’. You don’t fall into it the way you have in the past, and the way that I fell into it in the past.
With the narcissists in my life, absolutely they worked out that I was interested in somebody spiritual and interpersonal development, and they pretended to be those things as well as many other things.
I really want you to understand in the dating game, beware of somebody who is too good to be true. Beware of somebody who’s fact finding with you, ask questions yourself.
Know that it is so important to take your time to get to know somebody. Instant relationships and instant attraction is fraught with danger.
You would not just go to a car yard and say, “I love that color car. I’m not going to check the engine, the miles. I’m not going to look at the history, I’m not going to get a mechanic to check it I’m just going to take it. That’s it.” You would not do that.
You wouldn’t spend a lot of money on a house and not get it checked out structurally, you wouldn’t do that.
Do we realize now, dear Thrivers, how expensive it is and how tragic it can be to gamble the most important thing in your life? Which is not your home or your car or even your profession – it’s your soul.
You really need to stand in your power. You really need to be very sure about what your values, what your truths are. You don’t want to start a relationship with somebody because of attraction and because you’re pulled in and then you wake up in a month’s time next to them and think, I actually don’t like your values. I don’t like who you are as a human being and try to change them into that. That’s a recipe for toxic relationships and also being with somebody abusive.
When you’re dating and when you’re meeting somebody, don’t spill all your beans, don’t tell them all about what’s hurt you and what’s happened to you.
A story that I share was a dating experience I had with a narcissist and I was empowered and healed up. So, don’t think that this can’t happen to you at will, because life is saying, “Who are you in this?”
And he was questioning about my previous relationships, and I know the playbook. And I said the truth, “I’ve had disappointing relationships, but it’s been awesome. It’s empowered me to know myself, to know who I am and to know how to really choose relationships healthily.”
And his head was spinning because he couldn’t find my problem and then pretend to be the solution, because I was already the solution to myself.
I want you to think about that, because when we have problems and we’re not the solution to ourselves somebody will present as the solution and then we will want to be with them. That’s the danger.
In a dating situation, your position needs to be, I know my truth and values, I’m going to find out who you are. I’m going to ask you questions because I know what I need and want in my life to have a healthy relationship.
Take your time. If you start a relationship, have boundaries, retain your interests, retain yourself. So, that means you don’t drop everything to go on a date with somebody on Thursday night if you have other plans, or if you don’t want to.
Retain your life, have boundaries, say no. And take your time platonically to get to know somebody, to meet their family, to see if their actions match their words, to see if they have integrity in their life. To get to know what type of human being they are.
If you understand what I’m saying, if this is making sense to you, I would love you to pause this video and write in the comments below, “If I honor me, no one can dishonor me.” It’s so true.
Conclusion
I hope that today has helped you understand how narcissists groom you and how important it is to be powerfully in your own body honoring yourself.
So how do you do that? You do that by healing yourself, working on yourself and being yourself.
I promise you, then you will keep yourself healthy and safe no matter what somebody else is or isn’t doing.
To help you understand the level of narcissist that you may be dealing with, I really want to help you out, and all it requires is for you to take a couple of minutes to do this really straightforward quiz.
Then the results are going to be delivered straight to your inbox, as well as my free seven day series to help you understand powerfully how you can get up and out of relationship abuse no matter what type of narcissist you’re dealing with, or who they are in your life. Doesn’t have to be an intimate relationship, it can be any narcissist.
You can start this quiz by clicking the link that appears at the top right of this video. So, I really hope that this has helped.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
I absolutely LOVE how you explained this and gave a specific example of a dating conversation. It makes SO much sense! Thank you so much Melanie! 🙂 I am almost a year out of my last relationship and may be interested in dating if I meet someone. Working on myself and healing myself with NARP modules, I still don’t feel fully healed, but I am aware and will be paying attention to myself if I do go out on a date. I’m no longer looking for someone to heal the neglected child that I was deep down. This is new territory, though, so the advice of go slow and really get to know someone before getting into any relationship is the best!
Hi Melissa,
That’s awesome that this resonated with you.
I love that you understand the slow and steady path
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow, when I tell you that this was my experience verbatim! It’s incredible how well you know this pathology. What’s so sick about it is how ubiquitous the pattern of behaviors are. I can hardly get over how insightful and direct to the heart of this thing you are! You’re amazing Melanie!
Hi Roman,
I’m so pleased this resonates with you.
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
This course has been great. I may not be able to physically get out of this situation with a narcissist, but I am healing myself and finding out my true identity.
So, thank you Melanie Tonia.
You are very welcome Helen,
I am so happy for you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honor me, then no one can dishonor me. 🙂
Hear hear Adrienne,
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dearest Melanie,
How you described leaving a narcissists head spinning, is the gift that NARP has given to me.
Once again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is available to anyone that wants it.
There seems to be an exponential growth in NPD these days. I find myself repelling more of them then ever before. Being on this higher level of awareness, that only extensive module work gives, NARP supplies all the protection that we need. We can all walk away, heads up high. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
Instead of feeling lonely, we can dive right into those latent projects and make dreams come alive.
One step at a time, I am living proof that NARP can take the most damaged soul and give it the strength to do what you do Melanie………leave the heads of narcissist`s spinning as you walk away , victorious.
lots a luv
W.
Hi Warren,
I love that you work NARP so effectively and continually evolve you!
You’re amazing!
Love and continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honor me, nobody can dishonor me
Speak it Andrea!
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honor me, no one can dishonor me.
Yay Latoya!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie. What amazes me most about this journey of thriving, is how the right message for the right period of my life drops into my email box each time! The universe always knows! Right now, I’m in the early phase of dating someone I met very recently and this message is like a guide and a reminder about how to conduct myself right at these early stages in order not to get hooked by a narcissist. So far I think I’m doing well and can do better too.
Hi Tee,
I love that we are in synch!
Power, well wishes and much love to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honor myself, no one can dishonor me…looking forward to beginning NARP.
Hi Tanja,
So true!
Blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honour me no one can dishonour me.
Thank you
I have found you information very helpful the last few weeks I’ve just split up with a narcissist partner and everything you write is spot on, I’ve struggled with trauma bonding and been left devastated by what he has done, my ex partner left and moved straight in with another partner who he had been seeing for months without my knowledge at the moment he’s telling everyone I’m nuts. I’ve since found out the new partner is a prostitute which is unbelievable, he has just left me hanging on, but finally, I feel free that I had a lucky escape with the help of your information its been brilliant. Each stage you give it’s amazing to see how they work and realise that it’s not all in your head. Thank you
Hi L,
you are very welcome and I’m really pleased that my information has helped
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honour me, no one can dishonour me 😘
I am just starting to date a great guy, indeed he does seem to be “too good to be true”. After being with a covert narcissist previously with such subtle abuse I am very wary of the intentions of men in my life. I’ve reached a place where I am truly happy and feel like myself again. Financially I am able to provide a good life for myself and my son and I no longer feel like I need someone in my life, however I’d love to find someone to share my life with. The guy I am seeing seems great, perfect even. There have been a few very minor misunderstandings in communication via text however, with face to face contact we have been able to clear these up and he appears very genuine. He does have more than one “crazy ex” and this worries me. I am on the look out for other red flags. My concern is that this guy may in fact be genuine and not narcissistic and I might create issues myself through my high alert to narcissistic behaviours….
M,
take your time and honour and trust you.
Time will tell!
Mel 🙏💕💚
And Melanie, I just wanted to also thank you for what you do. I find the emails very helpful as a reminder of what I do not want to choose to have in my life. Your videos have helped me to reach a place where I am living my life being authentic and true to myself and I actually feel happy.
Thank you and lots of love 💕
Hi M,
hun, please know how welcome you are.
Keep up the great self-love and work!
Blessings always
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Mel, dear Thrivers,
If i honour me, noone can dishonour me
thank you and much love
Goldheart
Goldheart,
you are so welcome Dear One!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honour me no-one can dishonour me.
If I honor me, no one can dishonor me. ❤️
So, the narst’s bait-and-switch, I am feeling as honor-dishonor. The deeper, connected fear, however (beneath dishonor), I am now more primally feeling is death. I get (or gut) that the deeper bait-and-switch is life-death. I get this from recently also getting (or gutting) the soul learning programming you discussed in your Thriver TV episode of June 2, 2019, How Narcissists Keep Us Sick, Tired and Helpless. That soul learning program, which you propose is a soul evolution pattern, has word patterns like, “If people don’t believe in me, I could be persecuted and die”. Good to feel the rasp and tickle of the accumulated traumata under that one; and a connector feels to extend from some past past life work in this life. Like yet more long awaited gifts under a Christmas tree. My point or the aha running down my vagus nerve right now is that the narst (my contraction) grooming is an ongoing bait-and-switch (honor-dishonor) that overlays a deeper, older point of experiential trauma of life-death — not as an abstraction, but as a personally still-being-experienced unconscious memory-set to continue healing and growing by, right now and continuing, with the rare help of someone like … well, like Mel.
If I honor me no one can dishonor me!
Thank you, Melanie
Hi Melanie,
Today is my birthday and this is a great gift to give myself – honor and self-respect.
Thanks again,
Peggy
Peggy I love that,
so much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honour me then No one can dishoner me, thanks again Melanie
This content is so massive for me. I am co dependent and open up way too much to quick, have learned the hard way not to. Mel great work, wonderful to meet you at Watkins Bookstore London last year. I hope you make it over here again when safe to do so. You are a soul saver 😊
Hi Simon,
That is great that you are getting this clarity.
It was lovely meeting you too! Hopefully, again one day when international travel happens again!
Bless you
Mel 🙏💕💚
If I honour me, no one can dishonour me 👊
Hi Melanie
Messaged you many times on issues with narcs, well 2 in particular. How you know when someone needs your help and advise is unbelievable, then you send mail. Are you psychic haha! Today’s mail just reinforced what I knew all along (from your advice ages ago) She lost me as her supply and now my grandchildren are being manipulated and used to get to me. So so hard, but I believe in a higher power, I answer questions they have diplomatically and change the subject. I walked away from the lying, and deceit 2 1/2 years ago, no more drama but no peace for my babies cos they don’t have a clue how these people work. So hard when I can now see what it’s all about. Sad individuals but thank you Melanie for opening my eyes, I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been! I’ve just got to keep on believing that I wasn’t crazy or mentally unstable and I needed help as I was told. The only people that need help and are crazy are those who make us, through mind games and manipulation are them! Thank you Mel 💕💕💕
Hi Jo,
I’m glad this was timely for you.
I’m really happy for you that you are doing so well.
Exactly, if we are around sick people we do believe at the time that we are sick … but once away and healing start anchoring into our true power and freedom.
Many blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
If I honor me, no one can dishonor me!
I am a deaf woman, I just wanted to say thank you for all of your advocacy for me and others that need to be aware what we should be paying attention for ourselves.
I really appreciate your emails and your advices.
God Bless you Melanie!!!
Hi Joni,
I’m so pleased that I can help you!
So many blessings and love!
Mel 🙏💕💚
So damn good Melanie. Crystal clear. As I listened My mind flashed to the ex Narc husband during those early days. I used to say OMG he’s like a male version of me! He definitely definitely used my wounded parts to hook me and for the next 10 years he kept referring back to when we first met – that that was the real him despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary… he even said he didn’t eat seafood… I don’t particularly like seafood…. I found out later that was actually his favourite food! Such a silly thing but it’s how they roll. 15 years of my life I suffered at this mans hands. Also I must say that when I’ve met new men on the dating scene the more I’ve gotten to know them the less I’ve liked them. Not all but most. Such practical grown up emotionally mature advice. Love it..The more I use NARP, do the inner work and the more I listen to you the happier in my own skin I become. Thank you
Hi Robyne,
I’m so glad that this made sense!
I’m so pleased that NARP is helping you so much hun!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Outing me first and God has been a great source of healing I’m just in the first stage of this narc abuse and I wanna continue on this path I have chosen hope it gets better before it gets worse thank you for your inside stories you have shared
If I honour me No one can dishonour me
Hi Melanie,I don’t have a perfect mode to pass my gratitudes, what I’m getting to understand is my King dwells within me inner self and I should remain royal to him, nurture and allow zero intrution!
Thanks alot for your incredible help.
Hi Justus,
I love how you have expressed this!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hallo Melanie,
“Als ik mij eer, kan niemand mij onteren.”
Bedankt voor alle waardevolle lessen!
Els
This is very important and helpful. Thank you
This information on narcissistic, hit right on.
I was replaced and dumped like going to the toilet. Seven years, I was replaced with her using her therapist. I experienced all you mentioned, literally, kicked out of her well-being..Dam, I never pained or got played so miserable! Healing is deep in my soul, it hurts.
I wish I had read this before meeting my current husband. 🙁