The Narcissist’s New Supply: Do They Have Something You Don’t?

Today’s article is about one of the most painful things that can ever happen at the hands of a narcissist.

Being replaced by new supply.

As if that isn’t bad enough – what if she or he is young and attractive? Or accomplished and wealthy? Maybe all of the above?

In other words, the new supply has something that you feel you are not. Or maybe not anymore.

I remember being 40, looking in the mirror and feeling like I was a hundred years old. Who was this woman I barely recognised? Where had her attractiveness gone, the sparkle in her eye, the lifeforce in her soul?

Instead, with hair falling out in clumps, I was a walking skeleton with loose, saggy skin and sunken eyes. I didn’t believe I would ever be attractive and lovable again.

At that shocking time in my life, I was out shopping with my parents, constantly triggered by Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), agoraphobic as hell and barely holding things together. Guess who we bumped into? There he was laughing, the picture of loved-up happiness with a hot young girl probably his daughter’s age. They appeared besotted in each other.

He saw us, and we saw them.

After seeing that, I couldn’t get out of bed for four days.

She had what I didn’t: youth, happiness, health, fun, attractiveness and sex appeal.

With all of my heart, I understand what it’s like to feel defective, worthless and unlovable. Like you are NOTHING after being discarded and replaced. After all you gave, did and endured to be thrown aside like yesterday’s scraps, like you never existed. The years, the words, the moments and the commitments all meant nothing.

I am so thrilled to say I came back from this. There is zero pain, and there hasn’t been for years. I feel attractive again, yet in a different way. Not in the way of trying to be loved. Rather from a love that emanates from within, independent of how others see me.

I’ve been told by people that I look more attractive now, in my 50s, than I did in my 30s. . Today it feels much more authentic for me, and so much less stressful. For the last 15-plus years, it’s been my absolute joy to help others come back from the trauma of being devalued and discarded as well.

As such, I am thrilled and excited to offer to you The Quantum Makeover, my brand new four-week Live and interactive course, coming up soon, to help you heal and claim your self-esteem, radiant confidence and attractiveness back –no matter what your age or body shape, and whatever horror or loss you have suffered.

I can’t wait to help you achieve this in a loving, safe, healing environment with me and the wonderful MTE team!

If this speaks to you – come join us.

 

How Can Narcissists Move On So Quickly?

It’s very important to understand why the narcissist can often replace you with a new supply in the time it takes to boil an egg. Truth be known, they usually have new supply waiting in the wings even before the relationship ends.

This is a for a few reasons. Most narcissists don’t like being alone. As a ‘no-self’ with gnawing unmet, unhealed internal wounds, the narcissist needs outer distraction. They frenetically require narcissistic supply (attention).

New love is a great source of this, as the next shiny toy to idealise, get obsessed about and create a fictitious ‘amazing romance’ that is this false economy: “I’m thrilled that you are taking me away from having to feel my inner emotional black hole.” And the new relationship can also be a way of side-stepping all the other disasters catching up with the narcissist in their life.

This new person is the perfect way to self-medicate, self-avoid and regulate the ever-pressing need for narcissistic supply – significance. In new obsessional romance, this ‘drug’ is available in spades.

The new person is an extension of the narcissist’s False Self – their ego. Pumping up this person to themselves is not about admiring the new person as an autonomous flesh and blood human being. Rather, they are an extension of the narcissist that says,: “Look how amazing I am as a result of having this person I can show off and brag.”

What goes up must come down – and it does. But before we get to that, let’s get back to you and why you have been devalued, discarded and replaced.

 

You Are No Longer Adequate Narcissistic Supply

The narcissist was ‘in love’ with what you brought to the table for the narcissist’s true master – his or her False Self. You were ‘chosen’ for your looks, money, capacities, bubbly personality, sexuality – whatever it was. Even if you are still attractive, you certainly don’t feel it anymore – you feel worthless, invalidated, unlovable and defective, and smashed to pieces.

If there was ‘stuff’ the narcissist admired about you, they have gobbled it up like black holes devour celestial bodies in space. Yet, you are still accused of being selfish, uncaring and withholding. It’s the whole black hole thing of ‘never enough’. If the narcissist admired you for your accomplishments, then by now he or she has smashed that down, degrading or sabotaging anything important in your life. “How dare you get any emotional energy from ANYTHING other than ME!”

Understandably, you are no longer fawning over the narcissist. You have well and truly seen this person is disordered, manipulative and selfish because he or she is cruel, unreasonable, entitled and a pathological liar.

You also know this person is immature, easily triggered over ridiculous things, and massively insecure. You’ve stopped admiring him or her.

Because you question the narcissist’s delusional versions of themselves and life and start pushing back against it, the devaluing begins. “I will PUNISH you for not worshipping me anymore!”

Being around a person with a personality-disorder – who does not care about you, is a master of twisting facts, projecting blame, hitting your triggers cruelly to bait, derail and blame you, and so much more – means you have had your life force sucked out, your soul assaulted and your sanity severely messed with.

You are narcissistically abused: emptied of energy, health and resources, traumatised, devastated and hugely addicted to the drama physically, mentally and emotionally without knowing how or why this has happened to you. It’s called trauma bonding.

You still try to bring sense to the table with reason, kindness, care and decency. But you can’t twist yourself into enough shapes to stop the narcissist from lashing at you for not being the perfect contortionist, and being unable to read the tea leaves and assuage this person who can’t be durably pleased. The truth is, nothing and no-one can.

You are too much or not enough and the cause of the problems. You are the person who apparently persecuted the narcissist the most. Your cries to stop the abuse are regarded as abuse towards the narcissist. You have no more to give; the narcissist took most, if not all, of it. Because you broke down and didn’t have any goodies anymore, the narcissist needs to discard you and move on like the black hole they are.

Especially if you become SO sick that the narcissist is required to tend to you.

“Next!” says the narcissist, like taking a broken-down car to the wreckers, abandoning it and then going to the car dealership for a shiny new model.

I am not kidding; it is as straightforward as that.

It’s shocking and horrifying, especially after you hung in there, gave so much, wasted energy, money, health, and maybe the ‘best’ years of your life with this person because you believed that’s what people do when they love each other.

Except, there is no ‘real’ person inside the narcissist to love anyone, and loyalty only exists to the False Self.

Everything and everyone are objects – they serve the useful purpose of medicating the narcissist so that she or he doesn’t fall into their inner black pit of nothingness. Narcissists also get stuff to bolster the False Self and maintain the mirage of “whom they would like to be” and do not meet the same empty inner hell.

That’s how they use people. It’s not love, and it even goes beyond ‘obsession’.

It’s soul-snatching.

Even so, I know you may not understand, as I didn’t initially, but the new supply is a blessing.  Not for her or him – but for you. Because now you can detach and start healing from the effects of being narcissistically abused. That is if the greedy narcissist doesn’t keep you stuck on the hook, still terrorising you, triangulating you, calling in on you, dropping you carrots of false hope, or continuing to blame you for the demise of your relationship – and more.

Simply to keep selfishly and maliciously using you to feed the False Self the drug of significance.

“Look how important I am that someone else cannot move on from me.”

And, of course, it’s understandable that you feel like you can’t let go of what happened to you. It haunts you; it keeps you up at night. You may be unable to stop thinking about the narcissist and the new supply.

Wondering, “What do they have that I don’t?”, “Will the narcissist love this one more than me?” and “What if I was actually the problem?”

After this happening to you, do you think you are going to look and feel attractive? Instead, you will resemble someone who has been trying to survive a war zone. Not a Hollywood-depicted war-zone with a makeup crew – more like a real life one where you feel like you are the walking dead. Even those who still ‘take care of their appearance’ look shattered after this because they feel dead on the inside.

 

 

The New Supply’s Fate

Read all of the above, what happened to you. The fate of the new supply is the same. That is where it will all end up for them too.

It always does.

This is an endless tale of rinse and repeats – idealise, devalue and discard.

I know this to be true. I have the proof. I can’t tell you how many times in this community it’s happened to the next victim. In my own life I can tell you that future partners of BOTH the ex-narcissists have contacted me – devastated, traumatised, ripped to shreds and replaced.

Narcissists. Don’t. Change.

It doesn’t matter how young, attractive, wealthy or smart the next supply is; they too end up like yesterday’s trash.

You may say, “But she/he has been with this person for decades.”

I’ve met these people too, more than I can count, trying to leave after 30 years of abuse. How do you think they feel after ‘wasting’ all these years whilst enduring a narcissist?

A dear friend of mine nursed one of these women in palliative care whilst the narcissistic husband was on his dating app in the hospital because he was furious that she was selfishly dying and leaving him.

He asked her, “What do you expect me to do?”

She said, “At least have the decency to wait until I’m bloody dead!”

The people who last years with narcissists are maybe more patient than you and me. Not as triggered, able to numb out more, turn a blind eye more, take a back seat, and keep up appearances.

It’s no compliment that they weren’t officially discarded. They were discarded, over and over again. Many of them endured affairs, devastating cruel acts, horrific accusations, control and the narcissist’s obscene behaviours, dramas and disasters.

Worst of all for them, is that for all those years they were not TRULY loved. Never. Not for themselves, for their souls. They were in the narcissist’s life for some superficial ‘usefulness’. Please don’t, for one moment, think they are having a great life with a narcissist. Their soul was dying inside once they passed the idealising stage, just like all of us.

Now back to you again.

 

Making It All About Looks and Stuff

The narcissist objectified you initially regarding ‘looks’ and ‘stuff’.

When we compare ourselves to the new supply, we are continuing this objectification. What is the evolution out of this mess? Recognising that True Love is about being loved for one’s soul.

Before my Thriver Healing Path, I believed I had to earn love and that it was all about my appearance and accomplishments. This was conditional love and it was how I objectified myself. I never felt ‘enough’ to be loved by myself, and I believed I was only worthy of ‘love’ if someone outside of me reflected this to me.

The narcissist in my life, in the massive ‘idealising phase’, seemed to be that person who finally really loved me. Yet it was only filling the hole of what I was not feeling for myself yet.

Later, after Thriver Recovery and breaking away from this pattern, I knew there was nothing to envy about the new supply. They were all dehumanised just as I was, and of course – as ‘useful objects’ – would one day fall out of the narcissist’s favours just as I had.

 

Conclusion

The repair is not about wishing it ends with them; it truly is about how it can begin with ourselves. The path to True Love proceeds from the inside out – with ourselves first.

The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) healings began that process for me, letting go of the need for outside love and approval from a narcissist (or anyone) and shifting into feeling durably anchored into love and approval for myself.

Then I applied the Quantum Makeover principles – which are about having a healthy balance of inner love and outer attractiveness – to Thriver Glow authentically from the inside out, no longer attached to what other people are or aren’t doing or how they see me.

As well as claiming our right, at any age, to feel good about our appearance and health and have the confidence to shine in the world – without fear!

Gosh, this is so needed after feeling like your self-worth is decimated by a narcissist.

I hope today’s article has helped you, if you needed to read this information.

And above all, I hope this has helped you start on the path of True Love. Being loved for your soul. Having people in your life who love you, are loyal to you and would not leave you when you did not feed this False Self adequately.

Please know this return to love has to start with YOU.

I look forward to your comments and questions below and can’t wait to share this journey with you in the Quantum Makeover starting 30th May 2023.