Today I want to talk to you about the 10 signs that you are suffering from Aftershock.
I dearly hope that this can help you realise what is happening to you, inside of you and in your mind when you are struggling to stay away after leaving a narcissist, get your sanity and Life Force back and move on with living and rebuilding.
My heart goes out to you because I went through this horrifically too!
Many years ago, I picked up on this phase “Aftershock” – and truly I’m not sure whether I heard it somewhere, or if it just occurred to me, that this is what is happening to nearly every victim of narcissistic abuse who can’t just “snap their fingers” and move forward.
Please know you are not defective and hopeless if this is your plight!
But before I go into these 10 signs to know that you are suffering from Aftershock, let’s look at what Aftershock is.
Aftershock – It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Many people are stunned after leaving a narcissist because they thought they would get relief and start recovering, but they didn’t. In stark contrast they felt much worse – sometimes so much so, that they even thought they were going crazy.
People around you can’t understand why you aren’t getting better now that you are away from the narcissist. They are stunned that you just can’t get on with your life.
And you don’t understand this either.
Today I want to help you grasp exactly what is going on with you.
Okay, let’s go through these 10 signs to know that you are suffering from Aftershock – so that you can get very clear, if this is what you are going through.
Number 1 – You Feel Wiped Out And Exhausted
It’s like you can barely function, get out of bed or take care of your everyday tasks.
You feel like your Life Force has been literally sucked out of you. Your energy is so low and flat that you start to think that maybe there is something seriously medically wrong with you.
It feels like a major accomplishment to have a shower, make a cup of tea, and put on clothes. Maybe you can’t even get out of bed. Possibly your basic requirements for caring about yourself feel near impossible, let alone facing the effort necessary for the rebuilding of your life after the destruction of narcissistic abuse.
Number 2 – You Have Grave Fears About Your Future
You suffer feelings of emptiness, helplessness and hopelessness regarding rebuilding your life. You don’t know where you are going to be able to conjure up the hope, support, inspiration, power, and energy to move forward.
Thinking about the challenges that lie ahead seems insurmountable to you.
It’s common that you feel drastically unsupported by the system, and even family and friends. And, most definitely it feels like no one understands.
Number 3 – Repeat Obsessional Thoughts
You find yourself going over and over what happened to you without any resolution to these thoughts.
No matter how much you speak to people and research narcissists, such as who they are and what they do, and what this has caused you, you don’t seem to get any mental closure and peace.
Number 4 – Intense Negative Feelings
It feels like you are going through some terrible Soul sickness.
The intensity of your feelings and how deeply they run within you, may frighten you – feelings like total heartbreak, absolute abandonment, dark despair, toxic hatred, deep shame, self-disgust, and utter self-worthlessness, just to name a few.
These painful emotional states feel like they are eating you alive, stripping you of your energy and Life Force. Any emotional relief that you seem to obtain, ends up being only temporary, because these feelings keep coming back.
Number 5 – Anxiety About What’s Coming Next
You feel terrified about what lies in the future.
Things like what you may find out about the narcissist and the “lie” you had been living. Maybe these fears are about what the narcissist may do next, or how other people may be turning on you and persecuting you.
You may be terrified about who and what you can trust personally, and this fear may also be in regard to the system and authorities.
Devastatingly your trust and faith in yourself to be able to navigate the future may feel shattered.
Number 6 – Panic Attacks
You discover how triggered you can be by things that remind you of the narcissist and what you have been through. This brings on feelings of being unable to cope or being so unsafe that you can barely breathe. Maybe you are shaking and hyperventilating at these times.
Possibly you are breaking into tears uncontrollably, or to cope you numb out and can barely operate or be present with what you are trying to do.
It’s likely that you are experiencing regular and vivid nightmares that leave you visibly shaken when you wake up from them.
Number 7 – Doubting Your Sanity
You feel like you are going crazy. You literally feel like you are losing your mind, can’t deal with the shocking feelings that you are feeling, and / or still feel like you are desperately in love with, or missing this person, and can’t live without them.
Even if you don’t want to reconnect with this person “lovingly” you may feel like you can’t stop needing them to understand, validate you or take responsibility for what they have done, even though you know any connection to this person keeps creating terrible trauma for you.
Number 8 – Second-guessing
You start to wonder if it is you who has the issues, if you got it wrong – if you should be the person being sorry, trying to fix this, and changing aspects of yourself to make this relationship work.
You may think, “Maybe it’s ME who is the defective one, or possibly even a narcissist?”
Number 9 – Rationalising “It Must Be Love”
Maybe, at times you feel convinced that it must be true love for you to feel so intensely about this person.
Maybe you believe it is “meant to be”, and it’s your duty to love this person back to health. Or perhaps you have overwhelming feelings of responsibility, guilt, and obligation to this person.
You may believe that this is some sort of “Soul-contract” for you to remain in this person’s life, even if this means martyring yourself to help them.
Number 10 – You Become “Less”
Because of all of the above, you are in a terrible state – and understandably so.
Again, please know Aftershock is more common than you could ever imagine. Of course, you are trying to cope with all of this emotional and mental turmoil as well as the intense strain it is causing to your nervous system and also your literal physical health.
It is not your fault, but of course you become so much more unavailable to the people in your life who you love. You may even find that you can barely tolerate them requiring any of your care, energy, and attention.
It may have become near impossible for you to have the energy and sanity to be able to function in your job. Additionally, the interests that used to give you energy are also neglected.
You thought after leaving a narcissist you would become “more”, but you now feel even “less” than you did when you were connected to this person.
What on earth is going on?
Why aren’t you getting well yet?
Let’s look at why Aftershock strikes.
Why Does Aftershock Happen?
Aftershock happens because once you get some “space” from the narcissist, the traumas from yesterday, last week, month and year, that you had pushed down and during your battle of survival, all have the room to explode into your consciousness.
When deep trauma surfaces from within, your brain is trying to “manage” it – and get it “sorted” into some sort of human rationale filing system.
But it can’t, it’s too overwhelming.
Within the MTE Thriver Healing team, we have lived Aftershock in our own personal abuse experiences and also have witnessed thousands upon thousands of people suffering from Aftershock.
Sadly, this can continue on for years and even decades after narcissistic abuse, if they don’t get the right help.
It is so not true that time heals narcissistic abuse. Rather, it is the right healing that heals narcissistic abuse.
In our community we find that people who use Quanta Freedom Healing, and commit to it, get positive results with relief from Aftershock, and are able to gain themselves and their life back powerfully and quickly. The difference between these people and those who don’t work with Quanta Freedom Healing is literally like day and night.
There is much to understand regarding why this is the case.
What is even more important is to feel in your body WHY Quanta Freedom Healing engages and accelerates your recovery and healing process.
If you are suffering from Aftershock, I am passionately inviting you to my free 2-part Masterclass, to learn more about what I have shared with you today, as well as grant you a free Quanta Freedom Healing.
In my humble opinion Quanta Freedom Healing is the only process I know that definitely heals this.
You can sample for free a Quanta Freedom Healing to experience the extreme results of relief returning to you, for yourself here – www.recoverhealthrive.com
And … more than anything I hope that this article has validated you and allows you to know that you are not alone if you are feeling bamboozled, confused and exhausted with your Aftershock symptoms.
Please know we have thousands of people in our community here who have completely healed from Aftershock or are in the process of doing so.
You don’t have to get through this alone!
Again, I can’t recommend enough for you to go to www.recoverhealthrive.com to learn more about how to put an end to your Aftershock.
As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.
At 75 I have just understood thanks to your posts how I have been played by narcissists and very dangerous ones that that – first my father and my ex-husband who continued after divorce then a lawyer who stole all my money verbally and cover at least sexually abused me because I wouldn’t play along with him he kept a very very large settlement and then a brother who committed elder abuse against my mother kept her captive and she died yet everybody believed him as simultaneously he had threaten my life stolen my car my money I knew he could play me for a fool and his threaten to kill me as well many years ago and he did that to my mother and father yet he goes scot-free because a police chief believed him and asked me what I had ever done to my brother … And accused me falsely of wanting my mother‘s money doesn’t matter that I’m in the medical field doesn’t matter I’ve raised children what matters is that as I lied in bed on this beautiful summer day and read your post I have aftershock… And I do need help unlimited income but I still need help need to be heard justice for myself and others but I’m scared to have my brother come after me
Get a no contact against your brother, then he’d have to talk to you through an attorney and can’t come to your home, etc.
Thank you Melania,
Your work and commitment is a blessing.
It’s my pleasure Lukasz,
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Please take the free classes offered by NARP. And, please contact someone personally as there may be assistance available so you can enroll in NARP. I am 70, away from the narc just 3 years. I relate to every one of these 10signs. At present, I am still healing; returning to my self more and more; thriving more than suffering, finding and living my truth, and am truly on the other side of Aftershock… Triggers happen all the time, but they are triggering less and less of a reaction inside me. Please try this program. ❤️
Thank you for your post, Jeri. You have the courage, the faith and authenticity to speak the truth and heal through multiple examples in your life. Grateful to have read your story. I have a Narcissistic ex-buisness partner who I trusted and was at one time a close friend to me. She is also a preacher’s daughter and held service positions at our church. Well she used these aspects to manipulate, deceive and scam me in a Real Estate deal; where she used me then tried to discard me coldly when she could not control me.
Later, I came to find that each member of her immediate family – mother, sister and brother-in-law have a restraining order against her; her present business partner’s entire family (his wife, his brothers, their wives and children) have blocked her from all communication (texts, calls, emails) and she has a history of running scams especially on her close friends (one of them is 81yrs old and is still trying to recuperate her $25,000 which was taken & not returned over a decade ago).
She was charming, posed as a friend and groomed me for nearly two years. But when she turned on me, it happened quick! And the mask finally came off. I’ll never forget it.
I taught forensics for a few years and I can see the signs from an intellectual point of view but did not see them through the lens of misplaced trust that I had.
Thank you for sharing. You’ve given me inspiration 🙂
Your aftershock explanation came just at the right time, as depression and anxiety symptoms are on the increase now, because of 3-4 years of Covid uncertainty, job and homeschooling adjustments, plus higher costs. I was thinking I had no right to be feeling any such symptoms because I’m retired and live on my own. Understanding now how important it is not “to dance” with Narcissistic people and with loving guidance from NARP modules, I am experiencing intense rehashing in dreams, and leftover despair. It’s not anything I can explain to family or close friends really. When I try a bit of revealing, however, I mostly hear “OH! You sound like you may be depressed!” La de dah, what else is new? I’ve been posing for years as happy-go-lucky, it isn’t in my family and friendships to discuss feelings. So, thank you for yet another helpful article Melanie. It helps to understand it’s a stage of letting go. It’s good to know that this disorientation is normal when unwinding from a lifetime of criticism and dysfunction. Bless you!
Hi Ms Breakthrough,
I’m so pleased that this helped validate you.
Yes, the letting go of the trauma is everything!
I love your name by the way!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel, I am still with my narcisssit husband for the last 22 years, recovered from trauma 98% , thanks to you with all my respect. I found my middle child of 16 years old a narcissist, a deto copy of his father. How to save him? I cant tolerate that. I am in no contact with him for the last one week but this is not the solution to repare the damage he got in his personality. I feel myself coupable for his condition! I can just pray, but deep down I know that it s almost impossible.
Hi Humaira,
My heart goes out to you, this is so painful.
Please google my name plus “If my child is a narcissist” and you will find many resources I have that will explain much around this topic and what can help you and also possibly him.
Sending my love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My aftershock is that I feel completely crazy. My ex-covert narcissist seems to be living the perfect life with the perfect partner (who he hooked before we ended and found because he was seeing her professionally as his acupuncturist ). If it was him who was narcissistic how can his life be filled with adventure and romance while I still struggle to breath sometimes? My friends (that became mutual friends) have mostly supported him and his new relationship. They think she has healed him back to love.
I feel wrecked. I feel sick. I feel like people only betray.
Hi Lou,
please know that what you are describing – all of it – is what happened to virtually all of us. The discard, moving on, seeming to have a wonderful life and we could barely stand up, function and make a cup of tea, and people close to us believing the N’s version of things. It is beyond agonizing and so terrorizing what you are going through.
My heart goes out to you – and please know you can purge this and emerge healed … it takes work, but it can be done.
I can’t recommend NARP – the inner healing of Quanta Freedom Healing – enough to help you get there, as it did all of us who used it.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I hope this helps and sending big hugs your way.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this article. How do I help my 14 year old? I know he’s going through aftershock, but I don’t know what is age-appropriate for him. He goes to therapy once a week, but I’m not sure it’s the help he needs to get through this. He’s triggered at least once a day which leads to total shut down, then he says it was caused by being sent back to an experience at his dad’s house. What can I do to help him?
Is there a self-help group he can attend? like there’s Alateen for teens of alcoholics. I was in Alanon for years and one thing that helped me a lot was hearing that other people went through similar – and even some of the same things. Also, you get to hear tips from others. You never know which tip is going to be helpful to someone. A big deal for me was reminding myself that I am safe today – that the abuse was yesterday – and over. And I had to remind myself of that a lot. Good luck.
Hi Mama-Bear,
please google my name plus “helping our children”.
I have a ton of written resources to help you with this question.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie!
Thank you so much for this article! You’re amazing guidance in this particular article I know is going to help me with a significant issue i’ve experienced for too long now.
I hadn’t understood or realized that what I went through after a brutal and scary discard and now still am occasionally going through was/is “aftershock”… well, it certainly makes sense!
And that horrible feeling has been around way too much….
Some mornings I wake up terrified, afraid, full of self doubt and uncertainty about my future, my direction spiritually and on some mornings not even wanting to get out of my bed and face the “world”…
It’s a terrible place to be, i.e. being in that kind of “Limbo”….
I’m certain that all the “symptoms” I’ve mentioned before and things that I’m going through are, for me, quite real… at the same time acknowledging that truth and simultaneously wishing so much for my own recovery, and recognizing how difficult all of this is for me, I am compelled each day to do something and I am so grateful that I have, 24/7, NARP to show me what I must do to manage this particular situation in my life as well as many of life’s other most difficult challenges….
I am thankful that I’m able to understand that the various symptoms that I might experience are more than likely the direct result of narcissistic abuse or/and in my case other past abuses as well and thankful that you so often eloquently explain all of this often enigmatic stuff to us…
So, I could ask myself if I’m still going through aftershock after pondering all 10 signs you mention, Melanie, and the answer is absolutely, yes! It’s not as severe as it once was or might have been but it’s still there and it’s something I really need to work on.
While I’m writing this I keep thinking about the modules and which ones do I want to use for the next few days specifically to help with this “aftershock” dilemma. What I would like to do is to take the next seven days and do a different module or maybe even the same one each morning and each evening…. i’m not sure which ones but I know the answer that I need will come. 🙏🙏🙏…. 🤔 maybe I could ask someone in the Forum…..🤔 just a thought!!!
Although I can’t always live it 24/7 NARP is always kind of “here and there” throughout my days and reminding me that I need to do the inner work on myself, reduce unnecessary thinking, which is, for me, always a problem and just get going and become a person who is balanced and following and practicing “the way of a Narper”…
So now, after reading today’s article, when I look at how years of “aftershock” has impacted me I realize the need to do something… something special and specific that will require me to go within and do inner work and healing work expressly with NARP which I so need… and specifically to help me with this nagging “aftershock” stuff that I am tired of going through!
As I’m writing these words I’m getting excited and intrigued by this challenge although I need to go to sleep really soon because I’m really tired.
Once again, thank you so much, Melanie for sharing with us this amazing system of yours and for showing us “the way of a Narper”….❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
it’s wonderful that you are going to do NARP work on this!
Yes, absolutely the Forum can help you with this – but also please know The Source Healing and Resolution Module in NARP would be my go-to personally with this.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie!
As soon as I read your comment, within minutes, I did the SH & R! You were right! It helped so much but I know I still have a ways to go! I did experience some shifting and letting go but, there’s a lot of junk in there to shift out! And that’s OK because I know I will get there because I don’t quit!
I can’t thank you enough for the support that you continue to send my way especially during my darker moments…I feel so honored! Thank you, Melanie!
Much love and infinite gratitude! ❤️🦋❤️
Thank you for this article and all of your articles. They are exactly what I need to read at exactly the right time. You just explained what I have been going through for the past 8-10 months. No one really understands. I have to co-parent with a malignant narcissist who has my kids and parent/social circle conned and bribed. Your articles have been a tremendous help! Thank you for all that you do! I’ve read books about narcissistic abuse, but have not read about the aftershock.
Hi Barbara,
it’s my pleasure!
I so hope that this has helped you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Validation Of Inner Experience Is Healing Thanks. I Struggle To Be Able To Think Well What Am I Going To Do Now. With All The Bad feelings I Got. And That Makes Me Feel Trapped. You Seem To Need So Much Validation In This. I Don’t Seem To Be Able To Give It To Myself. Or Even Know I Need It Most Of The Time. Thanks To Male Stoicism. I Don’t Mind Being Stoic Though. Unless Stoicism Prevents Proper Functioning.
Gosh the timing of this couldn’t be better. I moved out a month ago after 31 years of marriage. I have breast cancer and am currently having radiation therapy. He has moved on and his new supply is being paraded around town and is sleeping in my bed in my house with my dogs. I’m totally incensed. Yes I had a total melt down with him this week and gave away all my power. He is showing his true self and friends are seeing it but my kids are falling for his victim story. I literally feel insane, hurt and that I’ve done the wrong thing (which cognitively I know I haven’t). I’m procrastinating and not doing any models. Too busy rehashing every wrong on a loop.
What modules do I need to be doing. How can I prioritize my health instead of my self harming thoughts?
Thank you Melanie for being a guiding light to us all and helping us know it’s them not us!
Noneska, It hurts my heart to hear the hurt you are going through. Please look beyond to a hopeful future one day at a time. Be surrounded by the good prayers and energy of all those who read of your situation. Find one point of light and fix on it, not the darkness of these heartless ones. I send you light and love. Melanie is an angel of light, light earned through her own battle with these malefactors. So be surrounded with love and strenghth,. dear one.
Hi Noneska,
big love to you and I have so much compassion for what you are going through – it is horribly painful.
Module 1 is your starting point – absolutely.
Also please lean into the wonderful NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member for support and coaching to help you.
Please know you don’t have to heal alone.
I hope this can help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Even though I love the healings (they have def helped at the beginning with depression) I’ve felt for a while that I’ve hit a wall. It’s as if my body is done healing, period! I can’t receive info it just shuts down and I go to sleep. Every. single. time! It doesn’t matter the time, if I’m sitting or laying down I’ve tried everything and nothing. I’ve contacted the support a few times they just keep telling me to go to the support group on FB ( I don’t have FB does anyone have FB anymore?) other than that I’ve done everything they’ve recommended and nothing. I had to start doing EMDR with a therapist out of desperation and that seems to work better for me. It seems like doing this alone sometimes it won’t work. I do know it does it has worked for me. But I just kept hitting a wall after a doing a few. 🙁
Hi Ana,
Are you in the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ? This is a private server that doesn’t require you to be a facebook member. We don’t have a Facebook support group for NARP coaching and haven’t for years.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This is exactly my experience too except l can’t get into forum anymore, it stops me from going further for some reason that is not clear to me.
l was responding to narp at first but then nothing at all would happen for many months. I agree that my system is too afraid to keep doing NARp on my own.
I had infancy trauma and that could be triggering a time with few resources alone. It seems that l need group sessions or one on therapy which can’t afford…
Melanie,
Thank you for what you have done and given to all of us. Your insight and sharing has often been the inspiration that keeps me going. The Aftershock article is the validation and clarity that I needed today to deal with the often painful, confusing and uncertain process of healing. and birthing a “new self”. All my deep work can disappear in an instant when I’m triggered, obsessing or fall into despair. I’m still trying to sort out reality vs. the distorted reality of narcissistic abuse. It’s as if I’m on the brink of an entirely new way of living and being in life.
You have been a pioneer in this field and are still a leader. I will always be grateful to you.
Hi Jordan,
I’m so pleased that this helped validate you.
Please know the triggers are unhealed, trapped internal trauma.
Your healing is not to try to manage them, but to go inside, meet them, hold them and then let them go, so that you live free from them.
Everything else, truly, (in my humble opinion) is a spiritual bypass. Unreleased trauma doesn’t go away – it just remains in the background doing pushups for another way to express, when a gap appears, and our unreleased still existing shadows (internal trauma) keep coming to us in the field, via people and events.
That is what NARP does – lets it all go for good. I can’t recommend enough, being committed to inner work, that you try THIS way. It is beyond powerful http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If you are healing with NARP, then keep doing the Modules and please reach out to the incredible NARP Members Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where trained NARP Thrivers will help cut out so many challenges and frustration by taking you straight to the specific shifts required for relief and breakthrough – and to get your soul, spirit and sanity back.
You don’t have to work this out – the structure and processes are already there!
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am a NARP member and have been since 2017 I love that I can go back to it at any given day if I’m feeling a certain way or my mind starts thinking I love knowing I have the support I need from my program & all you’re blogs !! You have helped me more then you will ever no , I truly never new what a narcissist was until I dated my ex of 7 years ! There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel it may take a bit to get there but when you do it’s the BEST FEELING EVER💗 thank you Mel for the dedication, love, support you have given to me an thousands of others I’m forever great full and blessed to be part of you’re TEAM …. much love & happiness 🥰❤️
Awww Momma smalls,
thank you for your post.
I love that you are working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as your core healing and using my material as the supplements that they are!
This is absolute – the winning healing formula.
I love hearing that you are doing so beautifully!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This shit is real. It is so hard to recover from. Every time I feel like I’m getting to the surface of reality it collapses. No matter what I do. I cannot get the narc out of my mind. I’ve been in other relationships that were fine…we moved on or still friends…
But, never always in my mind all the time.
It’s like they have taken over me. I’m completely away from them, but they’re always in my head.
It took one year to be completely broken down into someone I didn’t know anymore.
They’re like a pro. Getting into the whatever they do to bait you is practically irresistible. Getting out feels impossible.
The daily normal things like brushing teeth and showering, even sleeping and when finally asleep; getting out of bed again is a chore.
It’s hard for me to understand that a human was capable of doing this to me. Or, that I would be that vulnerable. I consider myself a slightly bad ass person that can always take care of myself. (I don’t quite feel that way anymore).
I don’t exactly know wtf just happened. Between covid and riots down the street and narcissists plus more. I still can’t get them out of my head.
I even tried witchcraft…
…..So anyways
Hi Anonymous,
I hear you! It’s so painful and shocking to not be able to heal – and heartbreaking.
Please know it is not because there s something wrong with you.
Most of us tried to “do” all sorts of things to heal and recover, but the traumatized obsession still remained.
The key to healing is changing your Being – working on your Inner Being – all the programming and traumas that have trauma bonded us to narcissits.
The challenge is, however – how to do that – when the obsession and constant retraumatization doesn’t allow you to detach enough to focus on and do inner healing – and how to do that anyways?
This is why I created NRAP http://www.melanetoniaevans.com/narp
It saved my life and healed me completely – it has done the same for countless people in this community.
NARP grants you to process to detach and has the structure and systems to make it all about your inner healing as well as the Quantum power to get it done.
Many people, like you (and me) tried NARP when all hope was gone and had exhausted every avenue imaginable – and then NARP worked.
I can’t recommend it enough
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Last night I walked out of a narcissistic relationship, round two. This one lasted 8 months after a 4 month break up after 2 years of round one. Of course I was replaced in a matter of days and I have a feeling that he has been lining someone up since he is constantly on his phone and very stressed about his phone and even gets on it at 5 am. I recently checked myself into the ER because I thought I was having a nervous break down. I have literally been going insane at times. An inner voice in my head has been getting louder and louder about me leaving and today it’s a lot quieter and I have a sense of calm but I know what’s coming next and I need to navigate it right because under no circumstances am I going back this time. I know “we” always say that but I will die slow death if I go back. I am at a point that I have turned into a raging crazy person that often thinks maybe it’s me – I am so afraid right now. Any advice would be appreciated