Toxic narcissists have many tricks up their sleeves to lure you in.
They know just how to manipulate you so they can mine you for valuable supply and empty you out.
Control is what they’re after but so many of us are totally unaware of what is happening – it’s mind blowing what they get us to do and accept!
I was personally hit with each one of these 7 deadly tricks, that’s why I know exactly how to guide you if you are living with this underhanded manipulation.
In today’s first Thriver TV episode of 2022, I’ll expose exactly how the trickery unfolds and give you tips on how to avoid their malicious hooks. You can truly free yourself from this abuse, protect yourself and become immune to this ever happening again in your life.
Video Transcript
My specialty work is creating true healing from narcissistic abuse where you don’t just survive, but Thrive, to greater levels of love, success, and happiness than you ever previously achieved, even before abuse and even if abuse is all you’ve ever known. To date, I’ve helped hundreds of thousands of people from over 150 different countries achieve this for real.
Today, I want to talk to you about the Seven Deadly Tricks of Toxic Narcissists, and it’s important to understand this because narcissists need to control you and regulate you for narcissistic supply, which is taking your energy and your Life Force.
To be able to do that, they need to strip your autonomy down, which means taking away your ability to think and choose for yourself so that they can mine you and empty you out.
Tactic #1 – Love Bombing
The first way that a narcissist will do this is by love bombing you. Love bombing happens at two stages of the relationship, at the start of the relationship and when they’re hoovering and they’re trying to pull you back in. It’s one of the tactics that they use.
A relationship doesn’t have to be an intimate love relationship for love bombing to happen. It could be a neighbour. It could be a friend. It could be a boss. It could be a work colleague or somebody who wants to go into business with you.
At the start of the relationship, they’ll do things like compliment you, they’ll tell you what you want to hear, and say things that are, “too good to be true” – which is important to understand. It’s important not to just trust and fall into bonds with people because they seem so lovely or they’re so kind, or they’re giving you stuff, or they’re giving you wonderful compliments.
That’s the first thing that you need to understand, and we’re going to talk about how you can make yourself impervious to love bombing as we move through this.
Tactic #2 – Guilting You
This is after the love bombing stage, you’re with a narcissist, they start to discredit you and the cracks appear. This person isn’t just as lovely and as pleasant as you thought they were. There’s going to be things that pop up.
This person will get bent out of shape very, very easily and you’ll start to see that they’re grumpy. They’re moody. One moment they’re up then they’re down, and this person will start blaming you for the problems.
Guilting is a very, very powerful way that somebody can control you. So they are getting you to hand over more and more of your resources by saying things to you like, “Well, if you really cared, if you were a decent person, if you were this, if you were that,” can be an effective way of guilting you.
Or, maybe they say, “Well, somebody else will do that for me, but you won’t. What’s wrong with you?”
This is the thing, narcissists want to take and they’re going to keep trying to take from you. If you are not connected to really listening to your Inner Being and saying, “No,” or, “This doesn’t feel right for me,” and if you don’t understand boundaries or that good, kind, decent human beings totally get your boundary and they will respect your “No” … a narcissist will not respect your no and that’s why they’re guilting you to talk you out of your no.
It’s like on the inside you know it doesn’t feel safe and it feels wrong, but just to shut them up or not feel the shame and the guilt of all the things you’re being accused of, you go along and you get emptied out more and more and more.
Tactic #3 – Keeping You In An Anxious State
Another way that narcissists control you is by keeping you in an anxious state, this is why – if you get disconnected from yourself, then you are not in your power and they know that. So if your attention has left … your comfort level, your truths, your values, your boundaries … and you’ve got more and more attention placed on the narcissist, then you are not in your power and truth.
Now, the narcissist sets it up in a way whereby you are going to be anxious and you’re like, “Well, what are they thinking? What are they saying? What are they doing? Where are they? Who are they hanging out with?”
Narcissists like to be non-accountable. They don’t want to be predictable. They don’t want to honour their word. They go missing in action. They tell you one thing and they do another.
Maybe they’re going to hint at, “Somebody I work with is really attractive …” and it gets you all churny and wondering, “What’s going on with that?”
Or they say things to you that get your head ticking, wondering if maybe there’s an affair going on, or they’re thinking about leaving you. As things go on, it gets even worse and worse to the point they will actually devalue you and discard you and say they are leaving you and then they’re not leaving you, but what’s happening here is you are finding yourself in an anxious state.
If you’re in a relationship with somebody where it doesn’t feel calm and peaceful and soothing, and, of course, relationships have their moments, but if you’re in a relationship with somebody where you are always anxious, you are in a toxic relationship, and very likely to be a toxic person who is a narcissist.
Tactic #4 – False Promises
It’s called dangling the carrot. They might say to you, “Well, if you leave work and you support my business, we’ll have a baby together,” but it never happens.
Or, “If you do this or that, I’ll marry you,” but it never happens. Or, “We’ll move,” or, “If you just stop seeing your friends, I won’t be jealous,” but it never happens. It goes on and on and on and on.
Tactic #5 – Moving The Goalposts
Narcissists control you by moving the goalposts, which is also keeping you very anxious. One day what they wanted from you is irrelevant and they want something else. Then there’s another demand, which you try to meet and you acquiesce and you hand over more of your rights and your values and your boundaries because they’ve said that’s what they want. Then their requirement changes.
Really, what is happening here is a goalpost is shifting – the hoops are getting higher for you to jump through them, then jump through them again, and again. What you may not realize until you are so hooked into this is, you can never acquiesce to a tyrant to get love and care and freedom, and get them off your back. The more you acquiesce, the more they are going to keep demanding from you. You give an inch, they take a mile, and it doesn’t stop.
Tactic #6 – Word Salad
It’s one of the ways that you can really know that you’re dealing with a toxic person, because you feel like you are arguing with a five-year-old that just doesn’t get it and it’s actually insulting to five-year-olds, because a lot of them are a lot more sane and sensible than a narcissist, when you confront them for accountability.
So this is when you’re wanting a serious conversation. This is when you’re wanting some answers. This is when you’re wanting some accountability.
What the narcissist will do is go off topic and start bringing up something about you last month or 10 years ago or 20 years ago that’s got nothing to do with the conversation at hand and you’re like, “Will you just stay on topic? It doesn’t even relate to what I’m bringing up with you.”
Or, they can do bait and switch … they’ll say some really nasty out of bound comment and you react and then they tell you that you are the one with the anger problem or you’re abusive.
There are so many defence mechanisms that a narcissist can use. I did an article, which was Are You With A Narcissist? and I think I listed 23 different defence mechanisms that a narcissist can use. Go and have a look at it because this is what they do.
That’s a toxic person. That’s how they control you. And how is it controlling you? You think, “Well, I’m going berserk. I’m losing my mind.”
It’s A-grade narcissistic supply if they can trigger you into big emotional reactions. It’s actually Triple A-grade narcissistic supply because it gives them so much significance. They think, “I’m so significant because I can affect you so much,” and that energy that you are giving into that, it powers them up. It’s like blood to a shark and they will attack you even more. That’s how it works.
Tactic #7 – Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is so distressing because when you’re trauma-bonded, you know that this person is so bad and so wrong for you and you’re getting so hurt and so torn to shreds, yet you keep going towards this person and you think you’re going crazy. It’s like, “This person has done the most disgusting, horrible, immoral things to me. I’m an intelligent person, why do I keep going back? Why do I chase after them? Why do I break no contact? Why do I write them letters? Why do I drop by to see them? Why? Why? Why?”
It’s because you’re trauma-bonded, and I really want you to look up my video on peptide addiction. It’s going to explain so much to you, and look up my stuff on trauma bonding. But just to simplify it for you, Stockholm syndrome is a very, very real thing with trauma bonding. It’s a very real phenomena that happens with narcissists. Your focus is so on this person as to what they will or won’t do, and how your life’s going to be today.
So, it’s exactly like a captor and a victim. The victim feels the intensity of being blindfolded, thinking, “Am I going to get food today? Am I going to get shot today? Am I going to …?” and imagine, if that person takes the blindfold off and gives them a nice meal and says, “Today, you’re safe,” the high of the relief is so massive, it’s an endorphin. It literally feels like love because the relief is so high.
When you’re with a narcissist, if they stop hurting you for a day or if they say, “Well, look, I love you and you’re my Soul Mate,” after just telling you that same day that they’re leaving you, that they don’t love you anymore … the relief, the rollercoaster of the huge downs and the huge ups, which is just relief … it’s not even normal, it’s not even loving, it’s just relief … can feel so BIG. So you bond and you literally feel like you can’t live without this person.
They’ve become your demi-god, “Whether I feel okay today, whether I feel down, whether I feel up, whether I feel worthy, whether I feel lovable, whether I feel pathetic or useless or discarded” is all to do with that person. You’ve completely lost yourself and they’ve become your universe.
That’s really what Stockholm syndrome is, and it’s very, very powerful. But, as I said, check out my stuff about peptide addiction because it’s going to explain to you at a deep physiological cellular level what’s really going on with you. I promise you, it’s such a relief to know you’re not crazy, and there is a reason for all of this. There’s also very, very powerful ways that you can heal it.
Now, getting back to what we first talked about with the love bombing (that also is the trauma bonding) which I said I was going to explain a little bit more about at the start.
When you’re being hoovered back in and you get the letters and the crocodile tears and the promises of, “I’ll change, I’ll go and get help,” that’s love bombing. But, again, you get back into the cycles. You might get back together, tension builds, the explosion happens again. You get abused again. You split up again. You’re in a cycle of violence and the cycles get more intense, more dramatic, and more traumatizing, and that trauma bonds you even further as well.
In Conclusion
There’s a lot to that stuff, but I really want to offer you solutions and healing, true healing, which is what my work is all about, in the most direct, fastest way possible.
I want you to check out NARP because that’s how I did it – and how thousands of people in this community have done the inner work – to free yourself from all of this. So you can check out the link with this video and also in the show notes, and also come into my free webinar where I explain so much more about this.
It’s going to give you relief, answers, and clarity very quickly as well as a free healing where you can start coming out of that high level trauma into more peace and solidness in taking your power back. You experience that in my free webinar.
Check out the link with this video and in the show notes. I can’t recommend that enough, two hours of your life that will be life-changing, truly.
I hope this has helped and has explained a lot to you. You’re not going crazy, you just need to heal.
Hi Melanie,
I was only wondering yesterday how much the stress of Narc relationships causes Pre-Diabetes and then leading onto Diabetes Type 2?
As you’re in continual Fright and Flight and the body releases Glucose that is never used I wonder if it causes Insulin Resistance and to what extent. I haven’t as yet had time to see if I can find any research on it but it would be interesting wouldn’t it?
Maybe now they know slightly more about Narcs they… the Medical Profession… might start to consider this aspect of these conditions although I reckon it will take at least another 20 years or so, they are so slow on the uptake.
Thanks for another brilliant insight to one of the most insidious of diseases right up there with MND and Parkinson’s etc., but these are “socially acceptable” diseases so people are acknowledged whereas in the aftermath of Narc Abuse you are mostly left “to get on/over it” and not burden others with your dramas.
Those of us who are lucky enough to have found you and are able to use all your resources, the free ones and the various NARP Programmes, find relief and sanity if we use them and slowly become “whole” maybe for the first time in our lives. THANK YOU!
NPD will raise your heart rate exponentially due to the 24/7 stress from “living on eggshells.”
This I know from personal experience in the past. There is a diagnosis out there called NPD Victims Syndrom and long term effects are serious.You do not want to be there.
I am a Gold member of NARP now for about 8 years. Melanie saved my life with her journey to become a healthy Thriver. My health situation retuned better than ever
If you are under any threat from a Narc, you have one realistic option to take. Leave the abuser ASAP.
Hello Maureen,
I’m sure the constant high levels of stress caused by my Narc Abuse gave me immune system disorders and yes, pre-diabetes. The only thing that gave me joy was exercise, probably due to stress relief and endorphins . Still, my health was getting worse year after year, non coincidently as was my relationship. After ending things with her almost 2 years ago and going no-contact, my health has improved significantly. I’ve lost weight, lowered my blood pressure and blood sugar, and have much more energy. Best of all, no more living with stress and the constant adrenaline surges. I didn’t realize how bad it was until a few months after I’d left town and she tried to contact me. My adrenaline surged and my stress went through the roof. It shocked me as I suddenly realized that this level of stress was what I lived with every day for the last few years of our relationship. I now know what kind of damage this does to the body.
Hi Maureen,
all dis-ease I believe is trauma or toxin based. So yes absolutely N-abuse creates illness.
The wonderful thing is that by releasing trauma we can re-set back to organic wellbeing.
You are very welcome and much love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie, I must also say Thank You (yet again). Your patient, open-hearted, wise, you-are-welcome-to-listen-and-learn attitude here is so loving and generous it makes my eyes a bit misty.
I have seen each and every one of these nasty tricks and tactics too many times and learning about them is now my path to the wisdom it takes to dismiss them. I grow stronger every day.
I choose myself, in caring, loving ways. Not so much so that I am narcissistic, but the beautiful balance of self-esteem I deserve in this universe. The power to say that, feel that, think that, be that is so, SO refreshing. Ahhhh.
Oh Man from California,
thank you for your lovely words!
Bless your growth Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Melanie, I to Experienced every one of these tricks! I thought I was truly Losing my mind. I Didn’t know if I was going to be dealing with Dr. Jekyll one day or Mr. Hide. Once I Discovered your blog it help me so much. My No’s became more no’s. We have been divorced for over five years and even thou we have children together, I have tried to co parent with him which has been a challenge because you never know if you are going to get Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hide. I recently had to go no contact since October because I refused to allow him to Manipulate situations that should only be about the well being of the kids. (Fun cause he doesn’t recognize well being) Thanks again for all you do, your research, sharing your life story. It truly has been a welcoming blessing!!!
Hi, Melanie-
In December I officially ended my 24 year marriage to my narcissist. It wasn’t until I found your resources that I even understood what had happened to my life.
I have been through hell and back one thousand times over. I definitely understand that your method of healing truly works.
I am at that phase where I am on my own island. There isn’t much here yet, just me and my teen and young adult children and we are hopeful that there is going to be soooo much fruitful life here, but it’s not here yet.
I feel like life came to a screeching hault. I have started obsessing again and turning outward because my ex-husband has been in a relationship with a girl practically since the day I said I wanted a divorce. From the outside it seems to be working with her. My kids have even been saying maybe dad is healing.
She is in the profession I always wanted to attain. I even tried to go back to school when the kids were little to attain this profession but found that myself and the kids were getting abused because of it, so I let my dreams of becoming a nurse become a loss.
Another thing going on is I always wanted to travel. I thought we should be making memories with our precious children but he was never interested.
Now, he has found a nurse. She apparently has tons of money, and 4 months into their relationship they are already heading to a tropical vacation.
It makes me feel beyond hurt because I feel he was a nothing for me and I lost so many years with my kids to make memories.
I’m afraid now because I am a shell of who I used to be, with very little resources. I’m afraid that my ex-husband and his new girlfriend are going to start having the life with my kids I always dreamed of. I feel so beyond scared of this.
I understand I don’t want that relationship any longer but I am stuck on obsessing over this. It hurts so bad. I also feel so depleted that maybe this girl will win my kids over because she hasn’t been diminished like I have been.
I am fighting with the thoughts that I feel like I was stronger in the end of our marriage when I lived with the narc and started to not feed into his narcisstic ways, I really had felt healthy and my kids saw that. I wasn’t relying on him to be my savior. But this, this is beyond hard. Like how you said you were lying on your bathroom floor and all those other horrible feelings…yep, that was me when I found out all this news.
I need to move forward. I need to make my life for my kids and myself. I don’t want to lose them to their narc of a dad and his new girlfriend.
Any helpful advice would be much appreciated!
💕🙏
Hi Julie,
my heart goes out to you, and please know that what you are going through is so normal and absolutely excruciating,
1) the quick replacement and 2) the obsessive, painful thoughts and feelings that you are suffering.
The complete and utter solution is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
You have already come so far, and now it is the serious, dedicated inner work that will release these terrible thoughts / feelings from you and free you into the next part of your graduation/journey/life – the one you are here to live for you and your children.
NARP is the answer Julie. Once you start healing with it you will totally understand why.
Also, you don’t have to get through this alone – the NARP community is incredibly supportive, solution and growth based.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Julie, I have lived it. Hang in there!! One way of approaching your kids is by adopting the mantra that they have room in their hearts for all of you. I said this over and over to mine. It was the only way that I could think of to not be turned into the enemy. Don’t make them choose. It’s going to take time. A long time but you are their mother and their hearts will choose ♥YOU over all. Peace sister. 🙏AMEN
Julie, I use to think the same things about my ex being with someone else, living the life I wanted, traveling and creating memories with our children. It never happened. Narc don’t change, they just look for new supply. She’s his supplies for now. Just keep that in mind…. THEY DON’T CHARGE. He’s not going to change.
Hi Julie
I know what it feels like to be an empty shell. Please return your focus onto yourself, as Melanie always counsels, and resource yourself. NARP is really great for this. Its not selfish: resourcing yourself is your best/only true solution. Your ‘replacement’ (nurse + travelling companion+ supply) sounds like a tailor-made choice by your ex to get a rise out of you, and you’ll probably notice that the more you think of them the more your life energy drains from you. Soooo… return your focus to yourself and re-resourcing yourself so you have inner energy to share in a healthy way with your children. Travel might be a nice treat for them but what all children really need and want is their parent’s love, support and care-full attention – no? I dont think they’ll be getting this from your ex and his new girlfriend anytime soon – do you?!! Keep going, you’re doing just fine…
I see I have been going through this type of abuse for years and listening to you has taught me survival stratagies. Thank you for pointing out how my spouse has been abusing me for years.