No More Trauma Or Pain From Narcissistic Abuse

Happy 2022 lovely Thrivers! 🎉

As 2021 draws to a close, I want to join you in welcoming this brand New Year with hope. A strong hope and knowing that you can heal yourself fast from the trauma and pain of narcissistic abuse.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that if you heal this the right way, you will not only get through this, but grow into a higher, more extended version of yourself that is way beyond anything you previously believed possible.

The six steps I share with you in my video will help you during this holiday time and give you a plan to follow. Each step will move you out of powerless suffering as a victim into transcendence and graduation bringing you closer to being the person you’ve always wanted to be.

I’m all about showing YOU how to be an empowered, calm, centred YOU who has no reason to fear a narcissist entering your life.

Please watch this last Thriver TV episode of 2021 to start the New Year off well prepared to be pain and trauma free after narcissistic abuse.

2022 can be an incredible year for all of us!

 

 

Video Transcript

Today it’s my greatest joy, as always, to grant you ways to survive, heal, and Thrive after narcissistic abuse, and it’s so important as we go into 2022.

I know many people believe that they’re never going to be the same after narcissistic abuse. That you will always be diminished and possibly suffering PTSD for life and at the very least, you may never make up the lost years, the resources, and the damage that you suffered, or be able to trust others in life again.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that this just isn’t true. In fact, after narcissistic abuse, if you heal this the right way, you will not only get through this, but you will grow into a higher, more extended version of yourself that is way beyond anything you previously believed possible.

As we go through the following six steps to heal yourself fast – which are really going to help you in this holiday time – I hope that you’ll start to get a sense of what is going to be possible for you.

 

Step One – The Shift To This Happened “For Me” And Not “To Me”

Years ago, a client of mine said, “I was so thrilled, Melanie, when I found your work because you were saying that there is a reason for this, a higher reason, and that it wasn’t just a bad mistake.” She said that she’d been to a counsellor who had told her it was just bad luck and this could happen to anybody.

She said, “I didn’t want to hear that because if it was just bad luck, what’s the point in my life. It would mean that this may not change in my future, and I could do it again and it could happen to me again. And how can I heal or empower my life against narcissistic abuse if it was all just bad luck?”

This client was very easy to work with because her mindset was hungry for self-discovery, self-healing, and self-growth. It’s what she wanted. She didn’t want to stay a victim. She wanted to take her power back.

I understand what it is to be a victim because I was one for years, until I realized that there is a deeper Soul reason and a Soul purpose for what happened.

I realized that the reasons as to why the narcissist had been able to infiltrate my life and trauma bond with me was because I didn’t know how to listen to myself, trust myself or speak up or lay boundaries or know how to be a powerful and full source to myself with True Source.

I didn’t know how to leave and love and accept and generate my own security and survival. I just didn’t know how to do those things.

Again and again, with the thousands of people that I’ve helped heal from narcissistic abuse, those who want to heal on an inner level to transform themselves beyond abuse, start doing so. They move out of powerless suffering as a victim into transcendence and graduation.

What’s so powerful about this community is we have the processes to do that. It begins with a shift in the mindset to a deeper acceptance of, “What can I heal within me in order to recover and to never unconsciously fall into this again?” Rather than staying stuck in the victim perspective of, “How disgusting it is that this happened to me?”

I want you to feel the difference because it’s so important and it leads us to step two.

 

Step Two – The Shift From Self-condemnation To Self-fascination

Of course, after being narcissistically abused, you feel intense shame and self-anguish. We feel so stupid and guilty and even intense self-dislike for throwing energy, love, money, and years away, as well as what we’ve put our loved ones through while we were being abused.

What I find happens without exception for almost every Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program member, NARP member, who turns within to heal and starts working with Quanta Freedom Healing is massive “Aha’s” when they get to discover, release and reprogram the deeper emotional subconscious reasons as to why this has happened.

Such was the case with Michael. Straight away, as soon as he started working with Module One of NARP, he was clearing what was hurting the most right now, which is what Module One does. For him, it was his ex-narcissist always hooking him into conversations about him not caring and how abusive he was to her. He was always hooked into trying to clear his name and make her realize that he was a good man and he had been trying and he had loved her. Of course, this didn’t work. Of course, anything he tried to say was like what he tried to do – it had never been good enough for her but it was intensely painful for him.

As he said, “Why can’t I stop hooking in and agonizing about this?” What happened was in his second ever healing with Module one, he discovered what it was. What came up for him in contact with his subconscious, which is what NARP does, was that his narcissistic mother had blamed him for everything.

He’d been the scapegoat. He was damned if he didn’t and damned if he did. She held him responsible for her disorder, which was exactly what his wife had done and he had never made the connection. So, the deep layer of the original trauma was actually his mother, not the wife.

As the trauma from his mother left his Inner Being, so did the trauma from his narcissistic wife of, “I’m always wrong. I’ll never be love for myself. I have to earn love.” All that stuff.

When it went, the hook was gone. It no longer haunted him – the pattern was broken. But what he found about all of that was the fascination, it’s the aha of, “Oh my God. That’s what’s been going on.”

Without exception, I promise you that you will be amazed at how fascinating you are, how unique and incredible and intricate your Inner Being is. It’s a beautiful day when you understand you’re human, we’ve all been wounded, and we all have inner programming that is very, very powerful and it’s not logical.

Once you turn inwards to free yourself from this programming, you will have so much love, compassion and healing for yourself. And when you’re so excited about every liberation as a win that you’re having from the inside out, it becomes the most incredible journey of your life. You revel in and you get so inspired by the powerful shifts and start experiencing being catapulted into growth that you achieve as a result of this. You know, it starts to work.

 

Step Three – Give Yourself Permission To Heal

One of the biggest impediments I see to people’s healing is that they’re trying to be all logical and sensible and practical, and just get back up and get on with it again.

I understand this, initially it was a mistake that I made too. I just thought, that’s what you do, you are strong and you get on with it. It was my duty to rebuild what I’d lost for myself and my loved ones and to fix my life and get it moving again. What I hadn’t realized at that point was if I didn’t fix me, the Inner Me, then I wasn’t going to be able to fix anything.

I also learned one of the greatest gifts, and probably the biggest Soul lesson of all, which is that I’d never made my Soul the most valuable thing in my life. Now, that my life was in tatters at my feet, it was time to put my Soul first.

Amanda had been like me and many of you. She’d lost her home to a narcissistic partner and she was now living out of a suitcase on her friend’s couch. She hated it and she felt so much shame about it being a woman in her 40’s. Everything she tried to do to rebuild her life wasn’t working. She couldn’t get a new job, and every step she tried to get up and get on with it, it was like she hit a brick wall and she fell flat again.

Through working on her Inner Being, the penny dropped, she got it. When Amanda gave herself permission to take time out and heal, she made her Inner Being her greatest mission. People ask me all the time, “What is my mission?” And I say, “Your Soul. And then your mission, as in who you are going to be in this lifetime, and what you’re going to contribute will just unfold because it cannot not unfold.”

Two months later, she reported, despite having nothing, that she was feeling the best she had in her entire life. I and so many people have had the same experience. Why? Because finally she’d come home to self-partnering and loving herself and no longer making her inner wholeness and peace and happiness dependent on props or titles or identities outside of her Soul.

Today, Amanda has an art healing business that is highly successful. She’s bought her own home. She does her Soul calling as her mission, and she has a supportive, loving, spiritual husband. Would any of this have unfolded if Amanda hadn’t given herself permission to heal? Of course, it wouldn’t have.

That was what that whole process of falling flat and getting smashed, gave her – it was the opportunity to reset into True Self and True Life. And that’s what she did.

 

Step Four – Choose Yourself Instead Of Abusive Others

After granting yourself permission to heal, you’ve started to learn what it means to value your Soul. So many of us have been programmed to believe that we’re obligated to do the right thing or we’re responsible for others, or we should just suck it up and do what we’re meant to do.

One of the greatest shifts I had in my life going forward was to never not be the protector and the supporter of my Soul again. I got very clear that abusive others would not be my reality anymore. I’d remove myself from their presence and I wouldn’t allow them to be in my life again. This may sound really harsh, but I want you to understand that you will never accept a level of love less than the level you have for yourself.

My friend, and I’ve told this story before because it’s a powerful one, had a narcissistic father in a nursing home who was highly abusive. When she did NARP and she healed from the inside out, she realized that she needed to set powerful boundaries with him.

She wrote him an email about what she would accept and what she wouldn’t accept. Of course, he did not agree with her, but she’d said it and she meant it. So, she went and saw him and he started name calling her and being abusive. She left. She said in the email, “If you do this, I will walk out the door. You won’t see me again.”

So, he rang her. He started again. She hung up. This happened about three or four times and she meant it. She kept shifting out any of the guilt or the fear of what her siblings would say and she stood in the honour of herself.

Anyway, her father back flipped into being pleasant around her. She knew she was never going to have an A-grade relationship of him, loving and validating her and being interested in her life. He didn’t have the resources.

She’d healed enough to no longer even need that from him. She was delighted she could hang out with him at a very moderated level, which was fine and she was free of his abuse. But she was prepared to go no contact forever if he wasn’t going to be like a small child or an animal that got trained into behaviour – and he did.

So, this is the important part, when you are determined to take a stand, everything can change.

Now, her healing journey was so great because she’d always suffered narcissistic abuse from her father. Making that stand for herself, put an end to this. It was really, really powerful and beautiful. She followed through on her boundaries every single time. What also happened was her siblings joined in with her and actually learned from her example and they agreed with her.

This is the other thing. When you honour you and you really stand in it, and you are no longer attached to other people getting why you are doing it – and she wasn’t, she was just powerfully in her truth – you find other people will understand it. When you are okay with it, they’ll be okay with it. And if they’re not, it doesn’t matter. It’s so powerful.

 

Step Five – Building Your Life

Some of the most beautiful growth, empowerment and joy comes from creating your own life. As healing starts to happen, you are releasing trauma and you’re clearing space and you start to get peace and space and inspiration and good feelings. That’s when it’s time to start living and creating your life.

Before narcissistic abuse, I was always quite agoraphobic. I had these comfort zones I would stay in. I didn’t travel alone. I would never have taken myself out for dinner. I didn’t like hanging out with couples and I used to believe that I needed a man to be able to have a great life.

After narcissistic abuse, I realized that I’d unconsciously been seeking a man to get a life and I was empty and I had nothing of my own to really connect to. This had been one of the reasons that I used to cling on so much and tolerate so much rather than leave a relationship.

I made it a personal mission to start loving being in my body and loving being in life. I created a life as a single woman, travelling overseas alone and having amazing experiences. I started expanding in areas, joy, self-care and past times, where I always used to think, “God, that’s not practical and that’s a waste of time or effort or money.” I’d never spoiled myself before and it was because of a lack of deservedness. So, I embraced deservedness, loving myself and loving life.

Naturally, all of that expansion had been impossible when I was in the deep trenches, healing my trauma at the start. But as trauma left and little bits of space were opening up, even at those stages, I would go and sit in nature and put my back against a tree and my feet in the dirt. Or I’d go for a massage or I’d do something nurturing and self-loving and bit by bit by bit, I started moving out of comfort zones into expansion. I was astounded how in my 40s, I was becoming the most joyful version of myself.

It was so supportive having NARP, having Quanta Freedom Healing, that if I’d get triggered in these expansions, I could, rather than retreat back into my comfort zones that are never comfortable, I was able to keep clearing out those pieces of trauma and triggers, so that I could just keep moving forward into more empowerment and more joy.

I adore it when in the Thrive groups my students, who are working on releasing trauma with Quanta Freedom Healing, start expanding. They report going on holidays like swimming with turtles and doing the most beautiful, amazing things. Or they start studying something they’ve always wanted to study, or they start their own businesses. It’s just gorgeous.

I know that these people in future relationships are going to have brilliant bargaining chips, which goes like this, “Why would I accept your abuse when I already have a great life and I can make myself happy?” It’s a huge difference.

 

Step Six – Take Your Time With People

A very powerful shift to your fast-track healing and growth is not allowing yourself to be damaged again, and knowing you can take care of yourself. Narcissists are wolves in sheep’s clothing. They could come into your life at any time, I could meet one tomorrow as well. They could tell you anything you want to hear. And they can get in your space and get you to trust them very quickly. Then, they’re going to start trauma bonding with you, and by that stage, you’re in serious trouble.

Narcissists need to get in quickly. When you go through your own self-partnering and your startling transformation from the inside out into true relationship with yourself and True Source, you step into the position of being your own authentic guardian. You know boundaries are your responsibility. You know you need to be an adult in your body. It’s nobody else’s job to look after your boundaries. It’s yours, it’s sensible, it’s adult, and it’s what being a Thriver is.

So, you take your time to get to know people. You take your time to see people’s actions rather than just believing their words, which is foolish, because people can say anything. If something feels off, too fast or disrespectful, you question it and say no. You risk pissing people off.

When we are getting in our own power, we move past the fears of CRAP, which are our childhood fears. That if I’m myself or if I try to assert my truth, I could be criticized, rejected, abandoned, or punished. We have to do the inner work on that stuff, so that we show up truthfully and authentically, instead of people-pleasing, hoping they’re going to love us.

Can you understand? I hope you hear what I’m saying. It’s what I love about the Thriver work. We know that never again, are we not going to honour ourselves and pay a terrible price later because we were like, “Okay, well, something felt off. Oh, it’ll be fine. I just want to keep the peace.” We pay a horrible price for that stuff with narcissists.

We know as Thrivers, if you are doing all of these steps and you’re doing the inner work and you’re working with NARP, you know that you will absolutely leave somebody behind if they cross your boundaries and your values, because you know you’re in for a crap life if you don’t.

We no longer get into the illusion of, “I’m going to stay attached to this person. I’m going to fix and change them,” because you know you won’t. Can you imagine the confidence and the growth that you will experience knowing that you can look after yourself now, you don’t have to fear anybody. All you have to do is move out of fear, be doing the inner work, and be honest with yourself, and be honest with others. That’s where your power is.

Tina, one of our Thrivers, met a guy that she was starting to date and he was moving things very quickly, which is what narcissists do. He started to profess his undying love for her within two dates. This felt off to Tina, as it should. Whereas in the past, as she said, “I would’ve just been all love bombed up and I would’ve gone along with this.”

She was connected enough with herself after being a NARPer to know healthy people don’t behave like this and it was certainly going to be very unhealthy of her to just fall into it. She spoke up, she confronted him and said, “It’s way too fast for you to be saying these things. I date people in a process of getting to know if they have my values and if it’s somebody I want for a life partner. This is way too fast.”

Now, what was so awesome about this was he reacted narcissistically. He hated being called out. He tried to blame her and shame her and tell her she was frigid and unromantic. Gosh, did she get her answer. She was so happy. She stood tall and solid. Broke away from him and she knew she’d flushed out a narcissist.

So, this is a simple example of how being connected to your own truth and your inner power and backing it, is always going to keep you safe. A) a healthy future partner wouldn’t behave like that, anyway and B) if it wasn’t quite that, but she’d called it out and he was a healthy partner, he’d be like, “You know, you’re right.” He would’ve respected that and loved that.

There may be some men and some people that will push your boundaries to see if you respect yourself, to see if you are going to be a for now person or a forever person. Either way, you win by being honest and in your power but you’ve got to do the inner work to be at this level.

 

In Conclusion

I hope that today, these six steps have been inspiring for you and that they’ve given you more than hope to know that you don’t have to be battered and shattered and diminished after narcissistic abuse. In fact, this is an incredible Soul calling to a graduation, to a self-partnering so you can be the person you’ve always wanted to be.

How important is this going to be going into 2022! And I love that two plus two plus two – angel numbers – it’s six. It’s about love, expansion, authenticity, all the good stuff. It can be an incredible year for all of us.

I’m really looking forward to how you feel about these six steps. Let me know in the comments below. And until the next one … which will be next year.

Happy New Year!