Hoovering is a malicious and damaging tactic narcissists are famous for.
They love to drag people back into relationships to fulfill their own agendas – it’s about sucking you back in like a vacuum cleaner.
They’ll employ whichever tactic is most suitable to get a reaction out of you, bait you to break No Contact or simply punish you. Once they have you back in their clutches, they can start messing with you all over again.
In today’s video I’ll clearly explain the 5 hoovering tactics I see most often, there are many more but these are the most common ones. I’ll also give you tips on how to stop the narcissist in your life from succeeding in their attempts to reel you back into the toxic relationship.
Once you implement my counter-tactics you will no longer live in fear of what the narcissist will do next. Watch the video or read the video transcript so that you’re ready for the narcissist’s next hoovering attempt.
Video Transcript
Today’s topic is hoovering. I think most of you know the expression, but if you don’t, hoovering is about sucking you back in like a vacuum cleaner. Narcissists are famous for it. They love to drag people back into relationships for all the wrong reasons.
And today, we’re going to look at five narcissistic hoovering tactics that you need to be aware of. These are the top five that I see all the time. Be really aware that there is no set formula for when a narcissist will use one of these tactics and in what order, because the tactics can change. What is usual, though, is that one or many of these tactics will be used, and it can flip from one to another depending on what is or isn’t working.
Number One – Blaming You
The narcissist’s main objective is narcissistic supply, and that means your attention. The most painful emotional disintegration for a narcissist is becoming null and void to you. So, if you go silent or you start getting on with your life without them, this insults the narcissist’s fragile, self-important ego horrifically.
So, he or she will send messages blaming you for everything. These can be accusations, of course, but really they’re usually projections regarding what the narcissist has or hasn’t done themselves and they’re blaming you for it and saying it was you.
This is an especially effective method if they know that they’re going to get a reaction from you. This used to get me really badly, because if you hate injustice and accusations and unfairness, and the narcissist can get you on these points, then you may take the bait and break No Contact, which then starts a barrage of contact. Then the narcissist has you back in their clutches and can start messing with you. We all know what that’s like – it’s horrible.
I want to grant you the remedy for this, to be able to shift those parts of yourself which can be really triggered by the injustice of that behaviour. So how you can heal this is with Modules Four and Five in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
For those of you that are using NARP, what’s going to shift the wounds of the injustices is Module Four. To shift the need for accountability and to get people to realize what’s going on with yourself and the narcissist, is Module Five. So, then what will happen is you’re going to be able to not get triggered and not get affected, not hook in and hold No Contact.
That’s going to be one to you and zero points to the narcissist.
Number Two – Cryptic Messages
The second main hoovering tactic is a little bit insidious and it’s hard to pinpoint, but narcissists absolutely do this to hoover. It’s sending cryptic messages.
The narcissist may send you a message that doesn’t quite make sense. It could be text or an email. So it’s something cryptic or offhand, or maybe it appears to be a message that’s been sent by mistake to you, that it was intended for somebody else, or maybe it’s just a photo or it’s a reminder of the past, or it’s a short statement that is about something sentimental. The list goes on and on and on.
Now here’s the thing, normal people who have really done you wrong or whatever, who are normal but non-narcissistic, would realize that you’ve left them and you’re staying away because you require some remorse or some responsibility or accountability or reform or some sort of mature validation about what’s gone on.
Narcissists don’t operate like that. They just don’t have a filter, and they have neither the desire nor the resources to get the depth and the gravity of what’s happened. The narcissist’s agenda, really, is all about getting your head ticking, to make you start obsessing or break No Contact to try to clarify what that message was about, or to get some sort of reaction to the sentimentality or even for you to tell them how ridiculous, sad, or incomplete that message was and ask why they’re doing that.
The intention is to trick you to get your head ticking, to get you off your forward movement and back into the energetic connection of feeling this person crawling around under your skin. That’s why they do it.
You may try to resist answering, but what’s happened may sideline you for hours, days, or even weeks thinking about the message and wondering when the next one will come. Maybe you cave in, and you can’t help yourself but respond back. It’s a big trap, and they know it.
The way to stay clear of obsessing and feeding this energy and breaking No Contact is to turn inwards to address and release the emotional trigger that’s been activated, whatever it is.
If you are working with NARP, I highly suggest Module One or the Source Healing and Resolution Module, because they are powerful to clear any trigger that’s been set off inside of you. You can go to work very quickly to stop the flaring up of whatever has been activated within you.
So rather than getting into the stinking thinking that narcissistic poison makes us do, you could be over the urge to think about it very quickly, possibly, powerfully within the half an hour that it takes for you to do the healing.
Number Three – Rubbing Another Person In Your Face
The third tactic that can be used to hoover you back in is quite a nasty one. It’s rubbing another person in your face.
It doesn’t matter who the narcissist is in your life, one of their favourite hoovering tactics could be threatening to or actually replacing you. Of course, this is devastatingly painful in an intimate partner relationship situation, yet it could be extremely painful in any relationship. It could be a family member and they replace you with somebody else that used to do for them what you did, or a friendship or whatever it is.
This is an especially effective tactic if you have terrors about being abandoned and replaced. A lot of us have had big abandonment wounds that narcissists like to play on.
If you still haven’t been able to release these trauma bonds of believing that this person is your Source of Self, which narcissists are very good at forming within you, this could absolutely traumatize you and send you into a panic.
A hoovering tactic may be them telling you about this new person, or parading this person all over social media, or telling key people in your life so that they know it gets back to you, or introducing your children to this person.
This could be a really cruel time for you, which triggers you into chasing after the narcissist, handing over more of your values and your rights to try to win them back, and possibly even getting into a terrible triangulation situation with the new supply involved as well, where a narcissist can keep sucking you back in and then discarding you again, or even where the narcissist will use you as punishment or just extra supply against the new supply. I’ve seen that happen a lot to people.
To help yourself get out of these Soul-shattering trauma bonds, I can’t recommend enough Module Two, which is the returning to yourself as a Source to yourself and breaking those ties with the narcissist. And Module Nine, which is an even deeper detox at a Soul level of the narcissist. Those two NARP Modules are for this, to really detox this person out of your Soul, end up totally unperturbed by being replaced, and being able to powerfully come home to your True Source of love and wholeness, which is between you and Source. This will grant you the power and the solidness to align with healthy love in your future. There’s a powerful graduation you can get out of this experience.
Here’s the truth, narcissists often move on. They can literally replace you in the time that it takes to boil an egg. Often, they’ve already been setting that up on the sidelines for some time anyway, and it can be such a shock when you discover it. This is why it’s very advisable to start healing and get yourself prepared for this.
You can start healing these terrors even before it happens, so that when it does, you won’t be affected, or minimally affected.
Number Four – Threatening To Destroy You
The next hoovering trauma that a narcissist can put you through is threatening to destroy you – it’s horrible.
Many people go back to the narcissist after leaving because of the fear of what the narcissist is capable of doing. And this could have come about through stalking, threats, and bullying, also abuse by proxy regarding things like custody, property settlements, business deals, or threatening to use information they know about you against you to show that to family or friends or get you prosecuted or whatever it is. It’s disgusting behaviour, yet narcissists have no shame in using it and they can claim simultaneously how much they love you and they want you back, which of course is nuts.
This may make you break No Contact and try to calm the narcissists down or make a deal or try to get them to see sense. You’re trying to fix things, buy time, or maybe you’re just acquiescing in order to stop the damage happening to you and those you love.
This is what I know about narcissistic bullies as a result of my own healing from this and helping thousands of others do the same – acquiescing to bullies does not give you your Soul back. It doesn’t grant freedom, care, or love to you. Any relief you get is conditional freedom, which is not freedom at all. It’s actually akin to being in prison because the narcissist can change the rules, move the goal post, and threaten you at any time again. You will only continue to lose yourself, and this person will take more of your Life Force, resources, years, and life, because that’s what they do.
Your greatest defence to this is to become anti-fear, to do the work within yourself so that you emerge powerful in your truth knowing that Source has your back. Then you will see what happens to this bully. Like most, without your fearful energy, this person loses power. You’ll discover that the emperor has no clothes. They’re exposed as a little powerless person behind the curtain.
If you walk forward developing and healing yourself, you will know how to value your Soul above all threats and all things, and you can walk a straight, powerful line. Then you will see the narcissist crumble.
In our NARP community we’ve had more wins against narcissists in court cases for custody and property settlements than you could imagine. Module Eight of NARP is incredibly powerful to detox yourself from the fear of the narcissist. Also, the incredible NARP community Forum, if you’re a NARP member, gives you 24/7 support, which comes complete with your package for life, to stay strong and receive and get support so others can help grant you the moves you need to make if you’re under threat, so that you can come out on top.
Number Five – Faux Apologies And Gifts
The fifth way that a narcissist can hoover you is with faux apologies and gifts. Narcissists, often only when nothing else will work, as their last choice will succumb to crocodile tears, gifts, and all sorts of promises.
When this first happens you’re going to heave a sigh of relief and think, “Oh my gosh, thank goodness, I’ve broken through. He or she has woken up and realized what they’re doing.” However, if you poke this with a stick and don’t immediately reunite, if you really ask them for true apologies …
A true apology, you need to understand, is not just, “I’m sorry. I love you,” and flowers and tears. It has to come with accountability, understanding, and reform, an intention of reform, so that you can feel safe and reconnect. When you stand in the need for that, and you ask for that, you are going to discover how false these apologies are. The narcissist will crack very quickly, declaring that you should just accept the apology no matter how incomplete or insincere it is.
You certainly didn’t feel it as real in your body when you started pressing for information and reassurance that there is understanding, accountability, and what the reform will be. You will see how insincere it is.
Then, they’re going to say, “Just accept it. I apologize, what more do you want?” Then they’re also going to start telling you how bad you are, that it’s your fault and if you continue pushing the narcissist, they may renege on the apology altogether. They’ll go, “Well, it was on the table, too bad. You can’t even have it now.”
Regardless of how it starts to unwind and unravel, because it always does, you’ll discover that things only get worse. If you trusted the narcissist and you go back, the behaviour continues and intensifies, and you will find yourself even deeper in the abuse.
The truth is the narcissist hates that they had to crawl back to you and be humble. It’s such a massive insult to their ego. They can’t help themselves, they actually need to punish you for it, now they’re going to lash out even worse.
Now here’s the thing, if you have a tendency to feel sorry for people, if you’ve had a pattern of taking responsibility for people who don’t take responsibility for themselves, and if you are the person who tries to heal and fix people, which so many of us have been those people, you could be hugely susceptible to this hoovering tactic.
It used to get me back in the game so many times. Many healers and sensitives are very susceptible to this. My hugest suggestion to get past this is Module Six work in NARP. It cleans up all of those inner traumas as to why you were taking responsibility for people who don’t take responsibility for themselves and why you are continually forgiving unforgivable behaviour.
It’s going to help heal you up. You’ll be able to see this for what it is, stand powerfully in your boundaries, and you’re not going to fall back into this cry for help from the narcissist.
In Conclusion
There it is, the five main hoovering tactics. Now it’s really important when you’re doing No Contact to really go No Contact. Cut off contact. It’s going to lessen the probability of these things happening if you do that and you really mean it.
However, they may still get a message through. As I said at the start, the way a narcissist will try to hoover you can shift, it can change depending on what the narcissist will try to pull you back in over. Please know that being hoovered is not flattering. It’s not about love. It’s about the narcissist serving their true master, the False Self, the ego. You are secondary, and you’re a prop to the ego. That’s actually what you are.
Many of us who were hoovered realized that when you give in to hoovers, that the rug will be pulled out from under you over and over again. There is no upside into giving into hoovers. It just becomes more and more of a Soul assault.
I know many of you know this, that when you do reconnect after a hoover, you literally feel like you’re going crazy because you’re torn in half. You did it, but you know you shouldn’t have, and it’s horrible. It’s Soul-destroying.
For those of you who might be listening to this and you’re thinking, “Well, why haven’t I been hoovered? Why hasn’t the narcissist tried any of this on me? Does it mean that I’m worth nothing?” All of us were props to narcissists, whether you’re hoovered or not, it’s not about love. Please know that if you’ve had No Contact from the narcissist, this is another tactic that can be used to make you make contact. The narcissist will use this against you if they know that being fully abandoned and not hearing from them is what’s going to hurt you the most.
Here’s the thing, narcissist work out what triggers us, they’re experts at it. If this is happening to you, if you’re really feeling the trauma of, “I’m not being hoovered,” which I totally understand, please, if you are NARP member, work with Module Two. That’s going to give you so much relief by bringing you home as a Source to yourself.
So that’s it from me about hoovering. I hope that this was helpful. And here’s the link for NARP, and it’s in the show notes as well, which can free you from hoovering, help you heal in record time, and give you your life, Soul, and sanity back before you know it.
I’d love to hear from you, what hoovering you’ve experienced, are you still susceptible to it? Are you healing it up? Let me know in the comments.
My X of21 years just dripped me and my little boy into the jungle of life although we set up home or so I thought tho he paid for it but my heart went into it, , and wl because everything was his his his I had to restart without a single thing from him on absolutely nothing he sold our home three us out and quickly had another stranger in my place bought another home same happend to her now he,s in his own it took me four years to try to understand it, but now he,s made contact because reality being he knew I loved him at the time so it’s gone from message’s telling me I was no longer a intrest to him and so on,now he,s called it back onI thought I was strong enough to resist but clearly could not have been however the feeling of anxiety returned to me had I was in limbo waiting for his calls waiting for his false promises once again trying to convince myself all over again but again ifound it was me making the contact but being met with one letter response tho I never interrupted his new life not once I felt like I was at the same position not quite knowing 4yrsrs ago what I had even done to cause it and once again still questions arising in my own mind I decided 12days ago to cut him dead although I have had no contact anyway he simply told me he,d been thinking a lot of us getting back together and wanted to know what I was thinking upon then silence once again he knew my strength was still not strong enough to say no although he was the one that took my whole world from under me and began a new perfect life or so he thought but no he repeated the same thing with this other girl is that hoovering ot trying to hoover again tactics
The faux promises and faux apologies and then ultimately blaming everything he did/does on me just blows my mind. Thankfully I finally said I was one foot out the door (soon to be 2) and that I’m investing in myself, no longer him or the relationship. He has absolutely no ability to understand, comprehend, feel mentally, emotionally, or otherwise for all the years of garbage I tolerated. His reasons for freak outs and leaving me on pins and needles not knowing how he’s going to react? He was frustrated. But never EVER an apology. Even when I have a full blown panic attack and tell him how anxious and depressed I am because of the years of his constant control or negating or discounting everything…denying he’s said or did things, even from 15 minutes earlier!
So good to be working on myself and leaving him alone to do whatever he’s doing and not really caring much anymore. No hoovering anymore; I reached the end of my rope and had no more knots to tie. Plan is in place, and I’m so thankful for these NARP tools and people to stand beside and behind me and pave the way ahead of me.
Certainly you have proof. Yes?
Awwww Mel. As always, entirely giving of yourself and so so true. I’m one of your Thrivers and SuperThrivers. Your work is extraordinary and delivers time and time and time again. I want to ask you something and I want to respond at the same time. You have been a shining beacon to people like me and led the way , honestly with authenticity , with integrity truth and with honour. Your specialism up to now has been Narcissistic abuse recovery. It has saved many a soul and your work has been so so necessary and it must continue but my question to you is knowing what you know why wouldn’t you expand that awareness? You know what I am talking about because your work led me to my own awareness and my awareness says your work will change the world. Not just from a Narcissistic viewpoint, because let’s face it that’s where we live. I would like to be a part of the bigger bigger part of you. That is ,not defining yourself as a Narcissistic Abuse Expert but as a soul that is showing us another way. It takes guts, it takes blood , it takes everything, I see that in you. With agreement or not you are my Life mentor. Your work is God given and you are God’s gift. I am absolutely devoted to you and MTE ,but I see more, I think you see more and I think the world needs you Melanie. Expand your work beautiful lady. Beyond Narcissistic Abuse because the the world needs a Light like yours ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Ramona,
I completely agree with you, and my work strangely enough is not even really about narcissists – that is just the way people find their way to me – and ironically how I found my way to ME!
As you know from NARP, Thrive and Super Thrive it was about US getting free from our limiting beliefs to heal our relationship with ourselves and Source and then to be free to Thrive in every area of our life.
The real truth is our entire planet, systems and the like have been narcissistic and trauma-ridden – which this work (Quanta Freedom Healing) caters to.
The simple more surface answer is absolutely in the future our “marketing” will be for all areas of life that are limited, stuck and not healthy.
Thank you for your beautiful post Dear Lady!
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
That’s is soooo incredible Melanie. I LOVE this . You are amazing. I’m so excited for this. What a gift you are. I’ll be following everything you do. Thank you so so much for everything. Am so grateful to you. 🙏❤️❤️❤️
I had un-followed my ex on social media, but I hadn’t yet blocked him. After a couple of months of no contact, he suddenly “liked” one of my posts so that I would see his new profile picture–one of him and his new girlfriend. I was devastated! I immediately blocked him on all social media and on my phone and joined the NARP community so that I could begin healing.
Well done Amy …
you have chosen you!
Sending you love, healing and blessings.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Speaking as a man dealing with a spouse with narco personality traits, the light of abuse is not always either on or off. The woman that I have lived with for 30 years now uses a dimmer switch when using what Mel calls the CRAP modality of narcissistic abuse. I feel like she’s fishing for me, trying to get me into a compromised position where I surrender my personal power to her. My inner trauma feels so deep and twisted that I may never emerge into the light of my True Self.
Hi Roger,
I would love to encourage you if you haven’t yet to come into my free webinar.
I believe this can give you hope as to how you can heal http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Mel
So very true with a capital T…TOXIC
THRIVERS ,! With a capital T..❤️❤️…”…Truely Tremendous “❤️❤️ …to be rid of that Toxicity ,,,,👏👏👏👏👏👏
Love your post Fay!
Cheers Honey!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
To Roger
You will survive and thrive.!!❤️❤️❤️❤️The Dimmer Switch is obviously not dimmed enough,because you are still putting your energy into the manipualater”the dimmer switch”
Keep looking up for ” Your” inner well being .Yes! It is blood,sweart and tears
But you will thrive dear one ,like the rest of us , keep sharing and airing ….
WE ARE” ALL” FOR YOUR WELL BEING….Keep focused on ” your ” Soul, Roger,🙏🙏
Dear Mel,
Narp has helped me sooo much. It has helped me achieve a much better relationship with my son, daughter, husband & Self. Thank you so very much. My son tried to Hoover me yesterday in two of the 5 ways to Hoover that you had mentioned in your great video but I didn’t fall for it (like I used to do, before I took Narp). Thriver TV is so helpful, as is the whole NARP Program. You & Narp came along at exactly the “right time” for me last year in Aug. 2020 in my life. I am so grateful for being connected with this life-enhancing program!
Awww Laurel,
I am so happy that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and my work have been able to help you!
That is awesome that your boundaries have improved.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Roger, I cannot predict your journey, but I will share that I have felt what you’ve gone through and I can only wish years ago I had “this Melanie blog” for even only a few blissful moments during that turmoil. You, however, are HERE! It may be (it sounds like it certainly feels like to you) you are on a fresh, newer, earlier path of where you are going, but I can see from here you have one foot firmly in front of the other and are marching onwards. Yeah!
What you have identified (I feel like she’s fishing…trying to compromise me so I surrender…) is spot -on, but just about everybody here who has woken up to this broken sickness will tell you that you now have a firm foundation to stand on, build on, thrive on. What you feel (and it is real) is your soul whispering the truth to you. Listen. Yes, it is true that the road ahead is long and has twists and turns and hard climbs. Mine, too. I keep gaining perspective as I gain altitude and I have confidence you will, too. Courage, good man, you are on your way! Listen to those inner voices, they are guiding you to the light, and you deserve that. What might make you smile is knowing this trek will be all yours — it makes me smile knowing that about my journey and I thought I’d take the time to share that with you. Nobody can ever take away from us what we learn here.
(Mel’s wisdom here has given me so much I wish to offer something like that).
Thank you Mel that was most interesting – I am now 3 years out of a 30 year relationship with, I now horrifically realise, a covert Narcissist. I always thought he was a very difficult and complex person but after doing a lot of research had a lightbulb moment that he is in fact a Narcissist. He was mentally, physically, emotionally and financially abusive to me. He was abusing alcohol in the end as well and the police became involved as he very nearly killed me. It was a terrible situation. Afterwards I tried to make sense of all the madness with reams and reams of emails to him with no or very little response. We separated and I heard that he had replaced me with someone who looked like me. She eventually contacted me as he was now abusing her and alcohol still. Anyway I have gone no contact after he chased me in the car – Thank God he no longer knows where I live. I realise I need to do a lot of work on myself to get over this as I cry most days when I think about it. We have a 21 year old son who lives with me and sees his Father for what he is and went no contact virtually straight away. He has very good boundaries unlike me. The Narc knows that going no contact to all my emails would have hurt me the most which I now realise is a form of Hoovering. I am going to register for the NARP as I believe it will help me get over this and fully move forward with my life.
Hi Jacqueline,
you are very welcome. We invite you into our beautiful NARP community with waiting arms http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp where not only will you have NARP, but also the loving support of thousands of amazing souls who will help you get through this.
It is your time to heal, for you and your son.
Much love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My Narc would send me links to love songs on you tube, or links to hurtful sites. He sent me gruesome pictures intimating they were me. He picked on my insecurities and sent pictures of people with exaggerated features. He sent me photos of himself with other women then later told me they were ‘actors’ He told me in a few years no one would want me because I would look old and he was my only hope of a relationship. He would turn up outside my house and say he was too tired to drive home and tell me if he died on the way back it would be my fault for not letting him in. He would get new phone numbers to message or ring me. Trawl through old posts on Facebook and add comments. Go on my LinkedIn account. Send me videos of himself having ‘fun’ without me. Messages that didn’t make sense. Messages where his car had broken down, flat tyre, about to be evicted, mum had died…anything to hook me in
I’m sick to my soul after hearing this and I thankful this Thanksgiving because I needed this push to get back into the NARP program. How could I still be failing at all 5 points after nearly 2 years since the initial grand finale month and just a few weeks after I lost my job suddenly after a holidays vacation. I guess losing everything and about to be homeless in my car doing food gig delivery after a 16 year career and college degree only to be mind controlled by this parasitic being that took over my ex wife soul. Sometimes I wonder if these former spouses haven’t just been totally MK Ultra’d unbeknownst to us all. Thank you Melania from the bottom of my heart. I know I can get myself out of this insidious crazy making triangulation. I tell myself daily it seems I should have known after a few first date to new boyfriends during and after divorce 1.5 years ago. I guess it took number 6 or 7 to finally stand up for myself and being more direct in this co-parenting nightmare. How our justice system not have this figured out yet with all that they record and track on everything I will never know. I keep holding to The Truth. I keep believing that one day the Truth will set me and my young children free from this hell on earth saga.
Hi TW,
sending you hope, support and power.
Time to do the inner healing, and absolutely come into the NARP Member’s forum for support http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
This will help you so much.
It’s time!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
OMG! So, so True! I have been the victim of every one of these ploys more than I care to admit. The anger we receive for accepting an apology is the most confusing tactic. I know I’m stating the obvious.
Melanie – I am trying to gather resources to take the NARP courses and do the work. It’s difficult bcuz, of course, they cut off your ability to support yourself.
Hi Debby,
big hugs.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I’ve been out of the marital home for a year, after 17 years of abuse. I took my kids with me. The Narc Ex has tried every trick in the book, and is now resorting to using the legal system to make me communicate with him and also as a means of punishment. He is taking me to court to try to change his custody/visitation and decision-making rights. He’s also using our daughter’s need for urgent counseling as a way to force communication and to take back control. I’m trying to hang in there, but these daily emails for over a month now are exhausting! I want so badly to just be done and to never have to talk to this man again!
My STBX recently did tactic #3. We were married for 15 years; now separated for 7 months. After announcing that he has cancer, a week later, he announced he has a new girlfriend. It’s been gut-wrenchingly painful to bear. “Devastating” is the word I’ve been using too. I laugh-cried when your post named this hoovering tactic. I also experienced the faux apologies throughout the marriage, and it’s good to hear you name the way they play out. I was totally susceptible to them before, and probably might have been again if you hadn’t called them out. Thank you for doing this work, Melanie. I so so appreciate you. You’re such an amazing “lightworker”! Your posts often appear in my inbox as the proverbial outstretched hand when I feel most mired in the mud that is narcissistic abuse mind warp. I’m so thankful.
Dealing with one now, left me for a new girl a day later. She’s non stop involved with my 2 year old and he is the one to blame. Both are crazy though. They found their match. Scary. Still in court but he tells me one day he misses hanging out with us and the next day he brings his gf around. Can’t wait till the day I don’t need to speak to him again!!!!
Cryptic texts! Oh, I am just laughing over here! I receive the son of cryptic texts. Insulting ones, that I question and hear back “ha ha just kidding”, old pictures of him with my dogs, pictures of what he is eating, him singing a song, “what are you up to”, and just random stuff that I cannot interpret. I have decided not to block him, I just make it really, really boring to text me. I respond in just the dullest, most minimal way.
I also really like how well you put it about receiving real apologies with amends and true remorse. I had been accepting a simple sorry until I realized that I really am letting myself be manipulated. It wasn’t until I insisted on a real apology and change that he showed that he would not do that. He just did a lot of other wacky stuff instead.
Because the abuse was so seldom, and because my mom had such a similar way of being, such a similar pattern and vibe, it just really went under the radar for so long. Long periods of peace and sweetness would suddenly give way to a verbal attack out of the blue and I realized that we were getting weaker and more distant over time as a couple, rather than stronger. Weird.
I found myself writing to him “I would rather live the rest of my life alone, than live in fear of more abuse” (to which he simply said “sorry”, ha ha! classic. I realized that if someone said this to me, and I cared about the relationship, I would get in there and work at it). My therapist said to read that to myself often. It is rather strong, isn’t it?
It has taken me about 8 months to really break free this time. I so appreciate the insights in these videos. I feel so different now than when I started NARP. Thank you!
These tactics are exactly what my FIL did and I was so creeped out by these things and mad at the childish behavior that I did not know how to classify it. But this is perfect.
First, he gilt tripped my the.n 12 yr old daughter because she preferred to spend time with her maternal grandmother . So , next time we went to visit Paternal FIL he told my 12 yr old that he gave away all of her toys and girls golf clubs to the new neighbors that had just moved in. Never mind that I have a child 8 yrs younger that probably wanted those toys, she did not exist. The he looked at me and said my name and said your pants are tight and the. Said my daughters name and said your pants are tight.
Then he and MIL began posting all these outings with the neighbors and their kids.MIL I believe is a covert narc, she had made Father’s Day plans and invited us. She made plans smack down in the middle of the day, so if you wanted to do anything else you couldn’t and my youngest would not participate because it involved a lot of walking. I reached out and informed her that this would not work for us and she kept pushing back, finally I said we would try. So, when the day came around we didn’t. Oh, she went to posting all kinds of biblical quotes on Facebook about Honor thy Father. The problem I had with this was my husband went over to visit with his dad the following day and she still continued her drama.
Then they purposely did not call or send my husband any cards or gifts or text, call for his birthday. So, of course at this point it has gotten WAY out of hand . I did not want to attend any further gatherings. And wouldn’t you know the “golden child” sister invites us to her home for his dads birthday dinner, we did not go. And we did not go to Thanksgiving.
So, for me here is the kicker. My husband has a conversation with them regarding how things are going. Husband says we are all gonna get along and every thing will be good. So, Christmas was a big ok set up for me. I’m sitting at the kitchen table and SIL tells my husband as he’s talking about how hard I had to work the night before she said in front of my children “ you speak highly of her”.
Then we are all sitting in the living room and FIL said where my husband could not hear him. None of it was your fault was it. Then the gifts they gave were gag gifts. It was an old woman pocket book and a shirt 3 times bigger and one object I believe was intentionaly damaged.
So, after this I said that I wasn’t going back around them anymore and that my children were not gonna be around them anymore. I told my husband he was welcome to have a relationship with them but we are not going to be subjected to that type of abuse .
It has been hard and there were many arguments centered around this. My husband gets why, but as always a child still loves his parent his dad. She is not his mom, his mom passed away just before we married and then his dad began dating her rather soon after his moms death. Which I also think is creepy. Thanks for letting mw vent. Of course now there has been smear campaign after smear campaign. All my husbands extended family has turned against him. They try to turn any and every person that will listen to their lies against me and him more if me. This is hard in a small town. But it sure eliminates who you should talk to.