Today, I want to take you on a deep dive into triangulation and why narcissists use it to gain the upper hand.
Triangulation is an insidious, covert and extremely painful tool that narcissists use.
I know it’s very likely that you have experienced triangulation at the hands of a narcissist – because it’s one of the usual abuse tools that a narcissist uses.
Let’s start off by understanding what “triangulation” is – it is about bringing a third party into the relationship dynamic so the narcissist can gain superiority and control.
Let’s examine some of the ways this works.
Sexual Triangulation
A narcissist may talk about their admiration for another possible sexual partner. Or have an overly close connection with an ex-lover or friend.
This creates fear and insecurity with the current sexual partner. By triggering this person’s fears, the narcissist can garner narcissistic supply from them – such as their emotional reactions and jealousies that allow the narcissist to feel superior because of being able to elicit such a response.
The narcissist additionally can attack this person for being “insecure” – blaming their behaviour for what the narcissist triggered.
Or, the narcissist can squeeze more out of this person. Making them do more degrading sexual things, or giving up more of their possessions and security, because of their fear of losing the narcissist.
The narcissist will also play the push/pull within the drama. The detaching and getting space to avoid intimacy, possibly also playing out infidelity with the additional person, with the “justification” of the current partner’s jealousy and behaviour … and then toggling between the two when wanting to get more attention, sex or resources.
A narcissist may even be extremely forward with wanting polygamy, or a threesome. If their partner is broken down, hooked and trauma-bonded enough they may agree to try to hold onto the narcissist. If people try to resist this the narcissist may threaten abandonment and replacement, until they do.
In this way, the narcissist is using a third party as a punishing and threatening tool to get what he or she wants. Also knowing that the more their source of supply loses boundaries and self-worth, the more they can be controlled and extracted from.
A narcissist may also use the triangulation threat if someone won’t grant them what they want. Such as access to their bank accounts, moving in together, combining finances, or a marriage commitment.
“I’ll leave and find someone else who will” is the threat. Many a narcissist will do it very quickly, often sending the partner left behind into a total panic and begging for them to return.
Then, to their total horror, the narcissist may still keep up the triangulation with the new supply, using it as punishment, a bargaining chip, with the added bonus of getting the ego significance of seeing you devastated and distraught every time they leave you again.
Plus, they get the added narcissistic supply of telling people outside of the relationship (who have no idea what is really going on) what a total nutcase you are!
You may be shocked and horrified in the future when you make contract with the other supply – the lies that were told to them and about you, and vice versa. Often the other “supply” is someone that the narcissist talks about incessantly but pretends to “dislike”. It doesn’t have to be someone that they express admiration or attraction for!
Triangulation in an intimate relationship sense is a deadly and devastating game – soul-shattering to say the least.
Triangulation In The Workplace
Narcissistic bosses, managers and even colleagues can use triangulation to gain superiority and control. Divide and conquer is the narcissist’s total playbook.
Here is a sneak-peek example of how this works:
I tell you how incredible you are and how you are next in line for the promotion.
I tell the other person the same thing.
I tell you how the other person is competing with you, and not to be trusted.
I tell the other person the same thing.
I tell you both that I am looking out for you against the other person.
Now, there are two people trying to knock themselves out trying to get a promotion and both can be harvested and manipulated by the narcissist for whatever the narcissist wants – because they are chasing the carrot of the promotion.
By pitting them against each other, anything that goes wrong can be blamed on either of them and not the narcissist.
Which is very convenient because the narcissist of course is not taking responsibility for their share of the work, pretending they are creating everything that is great, denying their mistakes and even possibly doing under the table deals and criminal activity that a united team of colleagues might have identified and exposed.
Triangulation In Friendships
A narcissist may enjoy the childish ego hit of “being fought over” and making people dislike or be jealous of each other, by lavishing attention on one friend to the exclusion of another when they are all spending time together.
Seeing the other person hurt, because they are missing out on the narcissist’s attention, is a way the narcissist tries to raise their own superiority.
The narcissist may also try to keep mutual friends away from each other, so that he or she can regulate narcissistic supply with whoever they want at whim. This is done by badmouthing friends to each other behind their backs, and trying to turn them away from each other, and of course inciting them to feel sorry for the narcissist for anything that was supposedly done to them by these people.
Triangulation Within The Family
A narcissistic family member may turn family members against each other with smearing, divide and conquer games and the like.
This may be done in an attempt to gain the inheritance or some other form of control. Maybe it is a deep hatred and revenge for another family member that they have always felt inferior to. Maybe it is about getting others to gang up on the soft target that the narcissist has always bullied, in order to try to feel superior to them.
How To Recover From Triangulation
A narcissist using triangulation to get the upper hand feels “icky” and uncomfortable. It can be hard to put your finger on what is happening and is deeply disturbing.
It is incredibly manipulative and abusive behaviour.
The following are my suggestions regarding triangulation:
Above all TRUST your intuition when something feels wrong. Usually, your intuition is right.
Love partners who are obsessive about someone else or threaten you with someone else are not healthy. Leave them, heal yourself and then you will be able to take your time to get to know and connect with partners who would never consider behaving in this way.
(Healthy people capable of true commitment and intimacy don’t use triangulation tactics – they would never even dream of it!)
If you are in a workplace with a boss, manager or colleague who behaves like this – then bring this matter to light. Get together with the people you have been pitted against and professionally find out the truth directly from them.
If you approach this from a healed, strengthened presence, and seek support from others who now know the truth, you can call out a narcissistic boss or co-worker. You also may be able to publicly expose their behaviour and bring them to task. You can check out more about that here.
Within narcissistic friendships, it’s vital to do your own inner work so that you are no longer lacking the self-esteem to get caught up in these painful games (the same can be said for all narcissistic abuse recovery work).
Then you will not sell out your self-esteem and Soul by being around people who behave like that. Decent real people are happy to share friendships and act decently to other people. These things are never an issue in normal, adult, healthy relationships.
When you heal deeply on the inside past the previous wounds that have kept you attached to narcissistic people, you won’t waste your time around friendships that “feel” off.
If there are times you need to speak up and say how you feel, you certainly will, which always flushes these people out, or gets them to stop pulling the games with you and take their rubbish somewhere else.
Possibly it is time to up level many people in your life, including your friendship circle. I promise you that if you let go of who and what is not serving you, and do the inner healing work, then you will have access to a whole new, healthier trajectory of people.
Narcissists in family situations can be deeply destructive. Ultimately if you aren’t able to be respected and there is too much drama and pain with certain members within the family you may need to implement Modified Contact or No Contact. You can learn more about healing from family narcissism here.
In Conclusion
I hope with all of my heart that this article has helped you get a clearer understanding of triangulation and why narcissists use it to gain the upper hand.
Please know a narcissist is a narcissist, you are not going to change how they treat you and others and the way that they operate, but you can change yourself – by no longer being an easy target or being around people who wish to triangulate you.
If this has helped you realise that these people are not salvageable, but your Soul, life and sanity is then I would love to offer to you my free 16 Day Course, that explains so many of the shenanigans of narcissism and how they use your energy against you, so that you can be aware, detach, heal and stop these patterns in your life once and for all.
If you are ready to heal for real, and you have had enough of the pain, then I can’t recommend becoming a NARP Member enough – it is exactly how myself, and thousands of others all over the world, healed from the “unhealable” in time frames and ways that stunned us.
Find out more about NARP here.
And as always, I can’t wait to meet you in your comments and questions below.
I have some of these things going on and still unsure if its narcissists abuse.i want to believe in my ex girlfriend as she did alot for me dont want to belive she could be so cold.still working on myself to be the best I can be a work in progress.
That’s great that you are working on you Daniel.
Clarity, relief and answers will come.
Truly …
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you. Now I totally understand my now ex common law spouse!! He is a 100% narcissist through and through. I’ve left the relationship but am really struggling with letting him go. He put me through these past few years and keeps phoning me yelling screaming at me to take him back. Why would I want that? He’s childish, immature, and has a very explosive temper. I miss the good times for sure, but the bad times outweigh the good. I’m struggling because I fell in love with a good person I thought….but now that person is gone. He no longer exists. I was so close to taking him back but then changed my mind the next morning when he called all demanding that I go get him (he moved 5 hours away). Ummmm NO THANKS!! Ughhhhh thanks for listening and this really helps me to understand more the hell I’m going through.
Hi Lori,
Please know it is so usual after n-abuse to struggle to understand the levels of trauma-bonding – even when you know how much these people hurt you.
I’d love to help you with this, so that you can powerfully break free, get relief and your soul and life back.
I can’t suggest to you enough coming into my free webinar – where all is explained. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Sending love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
Well, first of all thank you for this explanation because I have had absolutely no idea what triangulation means or meant! I certainly know now that I experienced triangulation with the narcissist! To say the least, it’s pretty crappy! Well, it’s just more things to work on and more module work to do and I’m ready!!!!🙌🙏
I love how something puzzling like this can be solved in NARP! ❤️🦋❤️
Thank you, Melanie, so much for this and for everything else that you do for us! ❤️
Hi Peter,
You are very welcome and you really are smashing it.
Keeping NARPing on Dear Man!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, God Bless you for sharing your insight, encouragement and love. All your articles are helping me to finally understand and let go of so much pain and trauma. Now instead of getting angry at the most recent narc, I actually bust out laughing at her antics and sick behavior because she’s so stuck in the Narcissistic Mould that I can predict what she’s going to do next! It galls her that I no longer have time to listen to her ‘Poor Me’ nonsense because I’m busy doing me.
Thank you for helping me get back to me.
Love and Light!
Arosa
Hi Arosa,
please know how welcome you are!
I’m really happy for you and sending you continued blessings.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks so much for all your help and support Melanie x
It’s totally my pleasure Celeste,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My narc ex-boyfriend would threaten to cheat on me, if I didn’t give him sex whenever he wanted it. He would say verbatim- “Either you sleep with me, or I’ll sleep with someone else. Which would you rather have?” He would also tell me, if I couldn’t see him on any given day, or just wanted a self-care day, that he already made plans with another woman and was going to go stay at a hotel with her, and even try to get the exact same room that we would stay in!
Triangulation is a narcissist’s bread and butter. It’s all about control and how they seem to enjoy making their partner feel insecure. Thank GOODNESS I can now refer to him as an ex!
Hi Nadia,
so pleased for you that you are free of such horrible behavior.
You deserve so much better
Mel 🙏💕💚
Well I’m torn here, this is exactly what he did going even as far as saying she was there for him when I wasn’t forgetting he threw me away like trash and wouldn’t allow me back in the house until I learned to be a better wife!!
It’s been Two years. I met some one and I’m terrified this will happen again so when this guy I felt started playing games…. or. I thought I said “there’s other guys out there that won’t bread crumbed me!!”
Either I was defending myself or over reacting!!
Either way he pulled back leaving me to be sad and mad ugh!! I felt like he is a bread crumber! He is !!!! but I did triangulate him so I picked up this awful habit!!
Hi
My sister and I were triangulated by a parent for years on end, that stopped once we took it up directly. It was confronting in the beginning but healing and liberating in the end.
My husband who is a narcissist uses it in a covert way, being secretive about friendships with another male or female, helping them out while at the same time standing us up, me and the kids. And it freaking hurts, the lies, the emotional withdrawal and spending time with others you are seldom granted. But we have learned to look closely behind the facade. These relationships are super shallow, designed to hurt and control you. The interest they show in the new supply is just as fake. So in fact they force us to detach from them once you see through it. It’s a bumpy road (especially when your insecurities weaken you) but at least I am on it.
My ex boss pitted us colleagues against each other just in the way Mel explained. It stopped once we took it up with and for one another and started confronting her. That colleague and I became close friends outside of work even.
But being raised with triangulation I sometimes catch myself unconsciously using it out of insecurity. But when I do sense this I have learned to own it, to confront myself and take it up with those persons directly. In the end my intentions are different from a narcissist’s: I really want unity, peace, freedom, mutual love and understanding to govern my relationships and I am so thankful for people to love and to be loved by.
For a narcissist relationships are not about true love, commitment, sharing and other people’s true happiness, the bottom line being that whoever they might triangulate you with is just as unimportant to them as you are: they only ‘love’ their false self , me myself and I is the sole thing that matters to them. And they use others to prove how above it all they are while deep inside they are anxious and fearful and so alone. And luckily for us that is their burden to bear, not ours.
For years I thought I was responsible for meeting my partner’s needs until I discovered that he didn’t need me to be a real friend or lover. His needs kept on changing, I couldn’t please him or make him happy because he wasn’t looking for a normal human kind and happy relationship, It came as a shock to me… he wanted someone to toy with to hurt, belittle, judge , …
And while this shock is extremely painful it has also been extremely liberating. You don’t have to make it work cause it never will. It is about sabotage , pain and control to them.
They have designed it to fail to keep you frail and needy and to feed of your truly well meant intentions… it has always been a set-up.
I don’t understand how self aware these people are. But I start to realise I don’t have too. It is not relevant as the outcome for me would still be the same: hurt, negativity ,and bad energy from a greedy person who will never ever be able to acknowledge you.
Hi Eileen,
of course, it can be very scary and painful in a new relationship, after being traumatised by a narcissist.
It is my greatest suggestion to explore Quantum Healing so that you can emerge much more able to work with new relationships safely and effectively.
I’d love you to check out my free healing webinar for more information that can help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is EXACTLY what I needed to see today! It answered my dire questions! You made it clear and concise what WAS happening to me! I can’t thank you enough for sharing this information and allowing me to get one step closer to freedom. As hard as it is to take, understanding what is happening is key for me to get OUT! Thank you so much!
Hi Krista,
that’s great that this resonated deeply with you.
It’s my absolute pleasure.
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
My husband was physically and verbally abusive from the moment we married until I became pregnant four years later. After the baby was born I told him I would never allow him to hit me and he wasn’t allowed to touch my child. So he became horribly mean and would double up his fist and threaten to hit me while screaming so loud and even foaming at the mouth. He would throw things at me narrowly missing my head. He never showed this side of himself before we married. We dated for a year before we married. Stayed married forty five years until he died. There was constant triangulation with other women. He was one day talking about a friend of mine and was almost giddy and blurted out “l just love her! I would kill anybody that I even thought was hurting her!” It hurt me so bad because of the abuse he doled out to me all those years. I couldn’t understand why he loved other women so much and hated me. I had never heard of narcissism or triangulation until last year. That’s what makes it so hard because I can’t process how someone can be so intentionally cruel and not ever have any remorse.
Hi Anonymous,
my heart goes out to you,
That is so painful what you experienced.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Your book was recommended to me by Dr Kyre. Audible makes it easy to function daily and absorb your material. I divorced the “N” in 2014 and severed all communication for a few years. I can’t remember how he got me to begin taking with him again a few years ago. During the pandemic back in April, he was one of the first to get COVID 19. A year before, he talked me into being his Medical Power of Attorney. I did not want to be that. I never imagined anything would present that would push me into that position. My intuition was shouting “NO NO NO”. Now I understand why I couldn’t verbally come out with it. I won’t go into details of this pathetic path, always leaving me confused and crushed. Thankfully, no children with this man. I spoke with nurses and Doctors, who attended to him, daily at 5 pm for updates. I continued to work my full time job and feed his pets daily. This is the most devastating time of our lives through the pandemic. He was ventilated 3 times. Every day the message from the medical team was “No change.” Did I love him? Absolutely not!! I couldn’t find it within myself to say “do not resuscitate ” This experience brought me to my inner voice. Even though I was agreeable to being his Med POA, I couldn’t allow myself to share my personal experiences in regard to him. They all cared for him like the heroes they all are. He did come out of the coma 4 months later. One of the few who survived. They sent him to rehabilitation after they could no longer hospitalize him. Of course, he showed them all, his charming lovable self at 61 years of age. He couldn’t walk. He couldn’t sit up alone. He couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone. Living alone, he talked the case workers and medical team into letting him go home…not discussing with me that he expected me to care for him. I didn’t. I shared with him phone numbers of agencies who may help him through all his needs. Food deliveries, everything needed. Now, it’s been almost 6 months since he got released from rehab. He is still on a catheter and moving through his physical therapy. His gratitude was high when he got to his home. I cleaned his home and prepared for his return to his home to give him a sense of comfort and dignity. He determined that his place had been “ransacked” and began with his familiar narcissistic words from the past telling people that someone close to him violated him in this way. He pointed out that he didn’t tell anyone it was me. I have severed communication with him since the end of January as a result of that word. As I began listening to your book. the anxiety and anger flooded back. I know this is an overly long post. Maybe someone will find a better understanding of how the “N” steals your energy, your resources. and your good will towards them. I thought I had overcome all this trauma. I see now that I do have some significant healing coming. Thank you, Mel, for your completely accurate definition of these sociopaths. This work is not easy, but I can see that it is essential to clearing the path of the future. Most of all, I am so sorry for your pain in living this horrible deception and bondage experience.
Hi CH,
please know I am actually incredibly grateful for what I went through because the other side – as a result of Thriver Healing – has been so rich, meaningful, peaceful, loving and joyful compared to the life I used to previously live, even before abuse.
You Dear Lady have been through such a shocking ordeal.
I am very pleased for you that you are through this challenging time and that now it is your time to heal and Thrive.
You sooo deserve this.
Sending you love, strength and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕💚
I appreciate this article, however I am surprised that the most damaging, painful and potentially permanent form of triangulation is when a narcissistic parent triangulates one or more of their children, into believing that the other parent (who becomes the “targeted parent”) is bad and does not love the child. This damages the targeted parent’s relationship with their child, and can often lead to the complete severing of the relationship between the targeted parent and their precious child. A person can walk away from a bad romantic relationship with a narcissist and find another loving partner – once they have healed – but you cannot replace a child. That is why this form of triangulation is the most painful. It is beyond devastating. And it remains very much misunderstood by the Courts in particular. I know that Quanta Freedom Healing can be extremely helpful to targeted parents, who are in desperate need of help and healing. Thanks.
Haven’t seen my daughter for 20 months now. I totally get it.
I agree Jackie,
this is horrific.
I am so happy that there have been healings of even terrible alienations as a result of people working with NARP.
Sending you and your family healing and love
Mel 🙏💕💚
It’s so interesting when you discover who the real weak link in these relationships are. Anyone creating this much chaos and drama to gain or hold onto control is WEAK. What you must also know is that in most cases these people have NO capacity to give or receive love and therefore lack even the requisite amount of conscience. RUN!!!!!!
That is so very true Dwayne.
Bang on!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie,
The last long paragraph in the article has a typo.
That sentence should read–“I can” (NOT can’t) recommend joining NARP…..etc.
Hi Julie,
the sentence was “I can’t recommend enough” so it is actually correct!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am always blown away by each and every one of your articles at how smack on you are EVERY single time!
I’ve read a lot about narcissist but no one comes as close to you as being the foremost expert on narcissists! Every time I read another article I gain a little more insight and clarity about another layer to their insidious ways.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your wisdom and courage to share what you know and have learned with to help others out of that dark and twisted world we once were in or are still in with a narcissist. You are helping so many find the light again and be able
to heal! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Hi Cindy,
thank you for saying that!
Please know how welcome you are and thank you for your gracious support.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow! Am I ever glad and grateful to you and to myself for doing the Heal for Real work.
Triangulation, delayed timed release, happened months after ending my N relationship.
It was using family members and was shocking to say the least. Feelings of humiliation, hurt, betrayal were instantaneous. But they didn’t last! I kept telling the truth about myself to myself.
Did I do that? Did I say that? Am I that? Nope. But the best part and I mean the really really best part is that overcame the urge (very strong) to convince THEM of anything. I was actually able to not respond! It took hard work, but I was fortified with all the proactive work I’d already done.
I still have few and far between moments wishing I could state the actual facts, but I am staying safe, taking care of me, feeling the healing that that brings.
Love, gratitude, appreciation—all too small of words to express what I feel for you and this community.
Leslie
Hi Leslie,
That’s so great that you could detach from that urge. Well done!
Much love to you Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks Melanie for the insight about triangulation. Funny how it sounds like strangulation which it damn near feels like currently been in this predicament, Melanie are you an angel? Because the timing of this post and my current recent experiences with in this topic is damn near perfect timing protection I guess .. hard to explain hope you understand I’m genuinely appreciative of this information to protect my current emotional well being . Once again thanks 🙏🏼 Daniel Graham. I’m already a member in the NARP community. Sending my appreciation. For you to do what you do, making people aware who have suffered or suffering I know you may have endured the same kind of treatments. I feel it . My heart go’s out to you for the work you are doing . Your an angel in disguise . Thank you for your input and understanding this resonates with who I am and what I’ve been going through . You wouldn’t realise how much you and the team have helped. Once again many thanks 🙏🏼
Thank you Daniel for your kind words,
I’m so pleased that myself and my wonderful MTE team are such a help to you.
Sending you love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yet again, your words resonate.
I am spitting feathers at the moment- it is shock that people do behave that way and utter disgust. But thankfully I have the NARP modules to help clear that C.R.A.P. out.
Thanks Mel xx
Even after 30 years of marriage, my husband brings up his ex in the most covert ways.
Last night, we were having Italian food at a New York style pizza joint; I remarked that the tomato sauce on my ziti was excellent – he replied, “real Italians call it gravy – not sauce.” He has told me variations of this line at least 50 times throughout our marriage.
I just looked at him stone-faced, with no emotion, said nothing, and continued eating. The out of the blue reminders that his ex’s family was Italian, he was close to them, and that he knows this type of “inside” cultural information is something that, apparently, I’m not ever allowed to forget.
Hi Mel
I am speechless,I was told by the husband that is a man of God(act totally different) that God gave him word that he will have children,he married me,knowing that I cannot have children anymore,after 10 year of married live,full of hell of his narc behavioural he told me he is going to get a second wife,that is younger that can give him children,he just turned 50,and could not conceive children as a young man in his first marriage.I should stay on as 1 st wife(I paid all the bills) he use his money on his hobby,off road motorcycle riding.
I was devestated,he moved me in another part of the house,bought me a bed,set me up in a nice almost like a flat let.I was still supposed to cook and clean,and I did.Till he told me that it all was not good enough.
Then he accuse me of sleeping around and said God show him that I sleep arround with different men.Then I finally knew something big was wrong.
He scold me out of the house to my quarters for 4 weeks and said then he meant to say something else that he read about a jealous man in the Bible.To cut a long storie short,he still did not find the new wife after 6 months,and then I found this article this morning,and know I know,it is not a Bible thing,it is a narc triangle thing! It is still very very painful but thank you,now I now he is nuts,and not I! May the Lord bless you endless for helping so many of us to see the light behind the darkness!