Melanie Tonia Evans

Is Your Friend A Narcissist? 5 Ways To Know

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 28
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Do you have a friend who leaves you feeling drained, uncared for and even EXPLOITED?

Is the relationship one-sided, with you holding the SHORT end of the stick?

Maybe this person is just selfish and needs a talking to – where you are honest about what is going on for you, and what you really need to have a healthy and happy friendship with them.

Maybe you are too scared to do this or you don’t know how to start the conversation (or even want to have it).

Maybe you know deep inside that talking with them will never work, and would only make matters worse – because this friend is a NARCISSIST.

How can you know? In today’s Thriver TV episode, I’ll help you know and HOW to deal with them.



Video Transcript

Over the years many of you have asked me, ‘Do you think my friend is a narcissist?’

Or maybe you wonder if some of your peers, or even your bestie, might be just a tad (or a lot) narcissistic.

I haven’t done this Thriver TV episode before, but I really think that it is now time to deeply investigate how to know whether or not your friend is a narcissist and what to do if he or she is.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

#1 Puts Other People Down

One of the sure-fire ways to know that your friend is a narcissist is when he or she trashes other people behind their backs.

We all know that talking about people, especially for us women, is usual. But there is a big difference between discussing people with empathy and awareness and simply being derogatory, accusatory and nasty.

Does your friend seldom have nice things to say about people? Are they lovely to people’s faces and really happy to get what they can from them, but then pull apart their character, relationships, work-life, or anything else they can dig their teeth into, as soon as these people are not there?

If you are really honest with yourself, do you sometimes think, ‘I wonder what you say about ME when my back is turned’?

Be aware that this person might gush all over people at times, but this is during the idolising stage – the period when the narcissist’s ‘subject’ is granting them copious amounts of narcissistic supply and is the next best thing since sliced bread. It only lasts for a short length of time.

And, yes, this could be you if the friendship is new. But give it time, sooner or later you will become the person who is no longer ‘wonderful’ and is, therefore ‘terrible’.

#2 Is Entitled and Exploitative

Narcissists push boundaries – period. They feel they are entitled and they like to take. This can be very confusing with a narcissistic friend, who makes out that they are super-generous.

It could be with their replies on Facebook, their offers of support and their supposed generosity, love and care for others. Yet, if this person is narcissistic, they will expect renumeration for their efforts. At the very least attention and recognition.

Yet usually there is more…

If the narcissistic friend is parasitical, then in return for their efforts they may wish favours for free. Your time and resources or lunches, coffee and drinks, at your expense.

How do we know when a narcissistic friend is playing this game? They sit back. They let you pay. They don’t initiate picking up a bill themselves. In their head, they believe they are entitled to whatever they can get because they have earned it from you.

They don’t thank you – they just expect. And they don’t discuss reciprocating.

I have found that high-character friends not only speak up, but usually will also fight you in their offering to grab a bill! They also insist on delivering what is gracious and fair in the future. They don’t EXPECT!

A narcissistic friend’s entitlement could extend to many aspects of your life, whereby they will help themselves without the filter of checking in and seeing if it is okay or not.

Asking permission, or returning favours, especially when there is no audience or narcissistic supply to achieve, is not a narcissistic friend’s deal.

Also, they generally want to make plans with you on their time and will not put themselves out when it’s not convenient for you. Yet they expect you to drop everything for them.

But where is this person when you really need their assistance?

#3 Drains the Hell Out of You

At first, when this friend came into your life, there was their ‘I’m so nice’-bombing or some sort of exciting mutual shenanigans (narcissists love drama!), as a reciprocation of energy.

But now things have settled in beyond that initial period, you have possibly discovered that spending time with this person exhausts you. You may even feel ‘slimed’ after being with or listening to them.

Meaning that they dump a whole heap of toxic energy on you and suck your good energy dry.

Does this person, every time you get together, tell you another story about their victimisation?

Is this a person who has no respect for, and may not even ask about what is going on in your life, making everything absolutely about them?

Every time you try to talk, do they interrupt, take over and leave you feeling like you have to fight for air-time?

Narcissism is an energetic physic phenomenon. Truly, these people are soul vampires. If you are hanging out with someone like this, then it is unhealthy for you.

#4 Doesn’t Want Your Advice

Naturally, when someone you care about is always having dramas, issues and battles with people and life, you want to help them. And just as much as you don’t want to see them going through this stuff, which is soooo self-imposed, you also don’t want to have to keep listening to the same ‘crapola’ over and over!

Therefore, it would be normal for you to intercept with some good, old-fashion solutions to the issues at hand.

Maybe, if you have already Gone Quantum, and you know that life works from the inside out, you are trying to get this person to go within and heal the part of themselves that keeps playing out the same painful beliefs and victimisations, again and again.

But your words go through one ear and out the other.

This person doesn’t listen, butts in, doesn’t get it, or simply tells you what you need to hear so you think they may do something about it – to shut you up, so that they can keep banging on about themselves.

Yet each time you talk with them, nothing has changed. It’s the same drama; you are being dumped on all over again; and this person has not given one ounce of credence to your advice, let alone their own personal development and growth.

So repeatedly you get the same stories, complete with the same toxic, in-repeat, energy sliming you.

#5 Gets Nasty When You Have Had Enough

This last bit is how you TRULY know if this friend in your life is a narcissist or not.

What do narcissists do when they are presented with a boundary?

They do EVERYTHING they can to get under it, around it or to blow it up, and if they can’t they attack the person laying it.

The following is how to set a REAL boundary with a narcissistic friend:

‘(Friends name), I now love me enough to desire healthy relationships. I haven’t been honest with you about some things in our friendship that haven’t been working for me. It affects me when you do (what they do), and I know that for our friendship to continue I need to receive (what it is that you need) from you. Are you willing to look at this and work in with me, so that we can have a healthier friendship together? Because I know I can’t continue unless we can.’

I promise you if this person is decent, cares about you and has the resources to be conscious – they will own it, be apologetic and work in with you. They will want to change.

They may even thank you for helping them see something that they didn’t realise they were doing.

If this person is a narcissist, however, stand back and watch the three-ring-circus come to town.

Excuses. Justifications. Denial. Accusations. Even ATTACKS on your character and person. This is all about trying to get you to take the boundary down, eat it and choke on it, apologise and spin back to being a compliant, workable energy supply again.

And when you refuse to…

He or she may just be so ‘called out’ that they will do the famous ‘Poof, I’m gone’ narcissistic dump-and-run act. Which means, ‘I’ll block you on social media before you get to do it to me, and I’ll start smearing the heck out of you to anyone who will listen!’

Which is all to do with saving their precious ego.

Or maybe for a while you will be hoovered with attempted guilting, threats, appealing to your compassion – whatever it is that the narcissist thinks could get you re-hooked.

NONE of it will be about taking 100 percent responsibility and lifting his or her game.

I nearly cried laughing with an ex-narcissist friend, who a year after the showdown messaged me with ‘I have decided to forgive you!’

Typical (and hilarious!) non-existent narcissistic ownership!

Up-Levelling Friendships

We truly are WHO we connect with.

And what and who we tolerate is the level that our life will run at.

I know for many of you it is really painful to have to say goodbye to a person, or maybe even lots of people because you know they are narcissistic.

Try setting the boundary, and really mean it when you do.

You will have to be prepared to lose it all to get it all – there is no other way.

And, whenever you do this, you will have to be healed enough inside to truly move beyond victimisation to know that you ARE creating your life by setting the values and the limits that you desire as your life.

Then, I promise you, for every door that closes, ten more beautiful ones will open – when you truly get and actualise this.

To finish, I want to do a big shout out to this Community that it is soooo NOT true that my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is just for people healing from Intimate Partner relationships.

The healing in NARP is for any and every narcissistic person in our life, because it is all about us healing within us, and becoming what we need to be as the Creators of a clean, empowered and truly interpersonal healthy life.

Many NARP members are working the Program to heal ALL SORTS of narcissistic abuse. In fact any type of narcissist or toxic or difficult individual. They do not have to be diagnosed as narcissistic.

If you are ready to get your happy, healthy, loving life, then I’d love you to check out my Introductory Healing Offer which you can do by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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40 Thoughts on Is Your Friend A Narcissist? 5 Ways To Know
    September 10, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this video.

    I find the hardest thing to navigate is when I’m in a professional relationship with a patient that is Narcissistic. They have no intention of healing or following guidelines etc. Not even for treatment of life threatening conditions. They have no intention of questioning the life that has brought them to poverty or severe illness.

    They simply don’t make the connection between their unkindness and the cancers, paralysis etc that they’re trying to surmount.

    Spotting them in this case is pretty easy since there’s a stark absence of gratitude, ability to acknowledge progress or joy in seeing positive change. There’s no genuine conversation or joy…. Just more trying to impress me!!

    Real health is measured in LOVE ‘bytes.’ A healthy person has love, peace and joy. A truly healthy person has the ability to love outers and themselves. Nothing less is wholeness. So I do know them by their fruit practically immediately.

    Great video. Thanks for the reminder and your tireless love for this community


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2019


      It is sad that even at the last line of lifeforce some people will not awaken.

      This would be challenging and I admire you being you throughout all of it.

      Thank you Dear Lady and it’s my pleasure.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      September 22, 2019

      Hi Melanie…

      You do have a knack for posting videos at timely times!

      More than one year ago, I cut off my narc “boyfriend” and also a narc girlfriend. It took me a bit longer to recognize, or maybe to admit, that my woman friend was absolutely draining the life out of me. I don’t know about anyone else, but it is much harder for me to let go of a friend than it is a love relationship if that relationship isn’t making me happy.

      Well, I made the cut with her. And I was RELIEVED, as well as sad. Just like with the ex, I blocked her from everything.

      After more than a year of no contact, she showed up at my door a few nights ago… uninvited and totally unexpected. I was caught off guard and let her in. What transpired was actually quite interesting. She kept me hostage for 3 hours as she went on and on, talking about exactly the same disfunctional stuff going on in her life, which, of course, was everybody else’s fault. I listened and sympathized with her at points, like I always did. I talked a bit about my life too, and I noticed that she held back from criticizing and blaming me, as she normally did after our friendship was well under way. I used to feel like crap when she got through with me.

      So I realized this visit was a form of hoovering… her letting me talk without criticism! I also realized the real catalyst for her visit: her primary narcissistic supply moved out of state and she is living by herself for the first time in years. She sought me out out of hunger for supply, and maybe just some curiousity.

      Well, I have decided to just not answer the door if she tries that stunt again. I already told her months ago our friendship wasnt healthy. Do I have to make this speech again?!!

      What do you think?

      Thanks for reading.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 22, 2019

        Hi Kaya,

        I’m glad this was timely for you.

        Ns can do this when low on supply for sure!

        I think actions speak louder than words.

        I personally wouldnt respond to contact.

        Bless you

        Mel 🙏💕💛

    Jan Kennedy
    September 10, 2019

    I am a 68 year old female, and after reading about Narcissism I believe my two long tern romantic relationships (24 and 15 years) and four or five of my very close friendships, all terminated, were with Narcissists. Educating myself about Narcissism is a high priority for me at the moment. I now have healthy boundaries and have been reading extensively since leaving my last partner of 15 years, trying to understand what happened. I now think my father was a narcissist and have a lot more clarity as to why my life has evolved as it has. I will continue to read your articles and further educate myself and hope once I have recovered and am Thriving I may be able to volunteer to help others who have experienced Narcissism in their lives in a destructive and way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2019

      Hi Jan,

      Please know Dear Lady that absolutely the best way to heal is to turn inwards.

      The healing of our wounds doesnt come from a cognitive understanding of them.

      It’s my highest suggestion to connect to my 26 day free course to gain a deep and powerful understand of your true healing path.

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Nancy Getek
    September 10, 2019

    Oh Mel –

    You have the most incredible way of releasing a video just when so many Thrivers need it! This video was exactly what I needed to see to confirm something I was about 98% sure of. This video was 100% spot on in every way about relative of mine! As I was watching, every point you made fit my relative’s profile. I knew I could apply it to anyone, so it was wonderful to hear you repeat that message in the video!

    I am pleased to say that NARP helped me so much to handle this narcissistic journey differently. This was my second test after doing the NARP program. And. It. Worked. Again!!! Boundaries were disregarded. My narcissistic relative was given the chance to work together with me to make our relationship stronger and healthier, but the promises made were empty and meaningless. So I cut the ties! Double edged sword ending. On one side, I am very proud of how I handled the situation. My inner little me is still doing a big old happy dance and it feels GREAT!! The down side is I still have to resolve myself to the idea that a once very dear relative must now be out of my life, or extremely limited in any future contact. My heart is breaking that this once dear family member is doomed for a life as a narcissist. But I also know that my responsibility is for my own self and my own path. I will go back to NARP for some reinforcing, everything will fall into place after releasing the trauma(s), and I shall continue on with my Thriver’s life.

    So, once again, THANK YOU Mel and NARP. (((Hugs)))

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2019

      Awww Nancy,

      I love it when it’s all in synch!

      Darling lady it’s very cool that you are doing so well with your NARP uplevelling and Thriving.

      That’s great this video confirmed things for you, and you are right this applies to any N… as does our healing.

      Big mwah

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 10, 2019

    Dear Mel,
    Thank you so much. So True I have been choosing to loose it all to get it all. Doing NARP has changed my life. I now see patterns quite earlier on but sometimes I still come across people and I don’t see the patterns immediately. The time span though is reducing as I am up levelling.

    I in July so a month ago I laid boundaries with my childhood friend. Instead of her apologising or saying anything to meet me half way she blamed me for her doing etc etc. I was not triggered nor was I feeling that any of it was my fault, which was what I would have done before.

    NARP has given me this amazing life that still surprises me. Thank you so much Mel


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2019

      Hi Aminath,

      It’s my pleasure!

      How awesome you were clean and clear enough to see the truth.

      I love that NARP has empowered you sooo much.

      Much love to you sweetheart

      Mel 🙏💕💛

        September 11, 2019

        Hi Mel
        I myself have had a few narcissistic friends and your post validates my experience too. I am experiencing a lot of my own guilt at being without boundaries myself so I feel like a loose canon not because I am bad mouthing anyone but I have in the past needed so much validation and needed someone to tell everything to and not been at all mindful of my own story. This has led me into getting hurt and projecting fears and pain onto others which has been destructive to me and others. Much of it comes from a very dysfunctional home with female narcissistic figures and not having a voice to be heard so I was naive and opened my mouth about my struggle to anyone ad a teenager and young girl. I still have almost an automatic behavior which enables this to still happen and the shame of it makes me feel so bad and paranoid. I have got very genuine friends in my life they are good people but I have isolated myself and don’t have much of a life. I just feel like I want to run away and hide and be by myself all the time and now I live where no one knows me. Lost sight of who I am and what step to take.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 13, 2019

          Hi Jackie,

          I am so sorry you have been through this.

          Please know Jackie, it is possible to heal from that trauma, all of the shame and also the ‘not knowing how to generate connection’ and I would love to show you how.

          Please come into my free webinar, which is a powerful step in this direction, and where so much of this is explained

          Mel 🙏💕💛

          September 21, 2019

          DEAR MEL,
          There is this unbelievable narc in my apartment building. She spotted me so fast and I was only just beginning to look at the possibility that one of my other friends was a narcissist. But this person felt like a filthy disgusting nasty dirty rag thrown over me as soon as she approached! I was confused because I felt compassion and my old nice self went to greet her but what an awful confused feeling would ensue! It was so upsetting, she was drinking up my crazy upset confused energy like a leach vampire! She was lovin it and I was freakin out. She immediately tried to script me into her life! After a couple weeks and finding your website I told her to back off but she wouldn’t. She started the smear. I bought your 59.00 course on healing childhood wounds. It was so great . I told her I wanted no more association and she has gone nuts texting me 10 times a day. I since have blocked her. But when I saw her text I felt the psychic claws in my heart again. Should I just continue no contact? Because I work here and have to see her daily. Meanwhile I am working the modules.
          Martha (I go by Jeanie)

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            September 21, 2019

            Hi Jeanie,

            Absolutely continue no contact and grant her no feed. Keep healing, you are doing great!

            Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 10, 2019

    Hey Melanie. Been reading your articles and watching your videos for some time now. Read up about narcissitic behaviours and co-dependency ones too. I’ve recently just realised that I’ve had a lot of narcs surrounding me for decades, whilst invading my privacy to use to wound me more, working with shame and trauma as they do. The problem is that, because I never realised or understood what was going on, but felt the full damage of what they would say and do, I was suffering with depression and complex ptsd from it, but again didn’t even understand this. I have repeatedly had mental and emotional breakdowns and attempted suicide a few times because of this and so many people who were doing it to me knew and carried on for another decade or so. On some level, I noticed the behaviours, but didn’t have the knowledge about them and I’ve realised I just copied these over and over again (whilst feeling awful about it) just to try and match what they were doing so I would feel it less. Also, it’s been exceptionally hard for me to trust people and determine who was doing it and who wasn’t with 100% certainty, as it has been very covert. I have also realised I have behaviours of co-dependency, but most of what I have read seems to suggest you can’t have both behaviours going on at the same time and I’m really confused. Since I have realised the narcissitic behaviours that I picked up and the damage and destruction I created, I’ve done everything to try and pay my dues and I also believed that the narcs surrounding me, that were doing it from the start, would recognise this and take responsibilty for what they had been doing to me for so long and correct their behaviour (rookie mistake to believe that they would see anything wrong with their behaviour). I have absolutely no problem with working on myself to make sure it doesn’t affect myself or others destructively, but as it always was, these people are still doing the exact same things and obviously won’t change or be accountable, so struggling to deal with that as there’s so many! They’ve all also been typically pointing the fingers and trying to blame their actions and absolutely everything on me, trying to use me and others as scapegoats, playing me and others off against each other, even though they knew exactly what they were doing from the start. Just wondered if you had an opinion or advice on that please?
    Thank you for all you do for people, so inspirational what you’ve got through and that you’re helping so many other people too.
    Love and light to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 10, 2019

      Hi Sasha,

      I am so sorry you have had such a hard time with all of this.

      In my humble opinion none of us start really healing unless we do the energetic body work to get the trauma out of our subconscious.

      That is what NARP does.

      Without NARP, or a similar tool, to get that done, there is the trauma remaining to manage/overcome/survive constantly. People cant do better until they get better

      But we can choose to. If they arent getting better and are narcissistic then staying around that means we will get more damaged.

      The only true solution out of the nightmare is detach from those not willing to heal, who are destructive, and fully focus on healing ourselves.

      Have you looked into what NARP can do to truly heal you?

      I hope my reply helps.

      And thank you for your beautiful ending words. Please know if I could come back from where I did, so can you. But its only the inner energetic body work that gives yourself back to us.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Nancy Abela
    September 10, 2019

    Dear Mel

    I had to let go of a close friend yet again last week and my head is still reeling. Thanks for this. It is very validating. I’ve had to let go of family members, my ex husband and several friends in the past. My current partner is wonderful. We’ve been together for 14 years and it just keeps on getting better and better but I can’t seem to get a hold of the friendship thing yet 🙁


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Hi Nancy,

      I’m so happy for you that your love partner is wonderful.

      Sweetheart it is possible to heal the inner beliefs and barriers in challenged parts of life.

      You have the intimate love ones right, which is beautiful, and you can break through in this area too.

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Barbara-Ann Deakin
    September 10, 2019

    Whilst struggling against overwhelming odds, James Graham, the 1st Marquis of Montrose (a soldier and poet fighting for his noble cause in the 1600’s)
    wrote the following inspiring words which have always given me courage when needed (often!):
    “He either fears his fate too much,
    Or his deserts are small,
    That dares not put it to the test
    To win or lose it all”

    … to put it another way “S/he conquers who conquers her/himself”

    Dear ones…the great news is we are not alone. We have help and support from programmes like Mel’s.
    Now I have added (to myself)…
    Ecclesiastes 4 verse 9 “Two (or more! [My note]) are better than one, for they have good return for their labours for when one stumbles, the other can help him (her) up…”

    We are not alone ❤

      September 10, 2019


      Thank you for this post. I love the message!!!

      And totally agree and embrace the very honest idea of living a life that is totally SOLD OUT to TRUTH alone without timidity. We are led to like minded thinkers for support.

      An honorable position. Living life in the TRUTH LANE.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Love this Barbara-Anne,

      Thank you for your poignant share!

      Bless you! 🙂

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 10, 2019

    I had one I knew for years who I discovered felt great everytime something bad happened to me. At the time my children were estranged having been alienated by my narc ex. Everytime she saw me or spoke to me, she would make a point of asking me if they had been in contact and talk about it at length when she knew full well that she’d be one of the first to know if they had and how painful it was for me. I could feel with utter disbelief that she enjoyed my pain, it made her feel better about herself and she would turn the knife in every chance she got. When I started redoing my house she would turn up unannounced and slag off everything i did as well. I don’t know if she is a narcissist and I don’t care but one thing was for certain, she didn’t have any positive feelings towards me and I did the “I’m very busy don’t call me, I’ll call you” thing with the intention of letting it fizzle out thinking I would get the message if someone didn’t return calls a few times. She went bunny burner on me, camped outside my house, threatened me with the police, wrote letters, tried to get through to me through other friends etc. but I held firm and totally ignored her. It was all under cover of supposed concern for me but everything she did reeked massive aggression and negative energy and I blocked it out.
    Funnily enough, as she was not getting a rise out of me, she contacted one of my children to say I was going off the rails, when she had expressly been told not to meddle with that but it eventually led to reconciliation with that child.
    I bumped into her later, she came at me like a fury demanding I explained myself and ready to let me have the backlog of negative energy she had no one to dump on. Again I held my boundaries, stayed very calm and felt slightly amused by the totally over the top display, told her to think what she liked about me and to have a nice life.
    I have got rid of all the fake friends who proved time and time again there was zero love there for me not matter what I did and QFH all the pain out.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Oh gosh Angelique,

      you are so much better without that.

      I really believe with these types, it is best to confront be honest and stand your ground.

      That’s our evolution – into power and authenticity.

      Then when they don’t step up – they take off, and other great people start stepping in.

      That’s the glorious graduation to take.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      Its much more peaceful!

        September 12, 2019

        Thank you Mel. I dare not think where i’d be without NARP. X

    September 10, 2019

    Hi Mel

    Since leaving my N husband after 34 years I have watched numerous friends and all of his family leave my life. I have found this very difficult as a (former) codependent! I realise now though how dysfunctional these relationships were and how inauthentic I was being in my everyday life to keep the peace. I’m a bit in no-mans land at the moment but have a few good friends and my own family members who have stayed the course with me. I know I will build healthier relationships in the future thanks to the many shifts I’ve done using NARP.

    Thanks Mel 💕

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Hi Angie,

      That’s great you are working with NARP sweetheart.

      You will breakthrough and please know the NARP member’s Forum is a magnificent place for you to get guidance and support

      You never have to do this shift alone!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      September 11, 2019

      Angie sounds just like my story, what a bunch of phonies they are and oh so superficial. I have very few people, if any in my life now and it’s very lonely to be sure, but at least alot more real.Sure I don’t miss all the lah di dah empty small talk about nothing. I do wish it were easier to connect deeply and form close friendships but at 62 doesn’t seem likely. Who really knows, though.

    September 10, 2019

    Excellent timing on this topic. I fell for the bait by an “angel in disguise”. I said too much about my personal life…I thought he was the friendly type. I offered empathy for his disease process of alcoholism. I feel my wisdom growing now overnight, but it is still too slow to discern these individuals. I have been smeared in my small town as a predator to men. I am working hard to change my thinking. I am observed in most everything I do which is pretty much BORING!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Hi Zaphod,

      please know that there is no way to ‘pick narcissists’. They don’t ever come into our life saying ‘look at me I’m a sociopath about to suck your energy dry!’

      What they do is work out some gap within us that they can infiltrate, and appeal to, as WONDERFUL, INTERESTING and KIND people.

      I’d love you to look at my inner transformational material that can teach you how to shore up within you what is needed to be able to be powerfully yourself, not getting hooked in, and then being able to flush out and away these people if they cross your path.

      The defense is NO safety strategy. Being authentically and powerfully YOU is the only way.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Kenneth E Savoy
    September 11, 2019

    Ms. Evans,
    Thank you for having the courage to become who you are today.
    Thank you for sharing what you learned.
    Thank you for having the strength of character to see into yourself and work this out for yourself.
    Mostly I just wanted to say thank you for being there when things were so dark for me.
    Today was probably the happiest day of my entire 68 years.
    What happened today? Nothing special, nothing external. I just woke up this morning, thanked God for my blessings and asked for a good day, for resolutions to some conflicts I was having at work and for peace of mind. I did ask for a little prosperity while praying.
    Somehow it all came together and somehow I now know that this Quantum Healing works. I can’t explain it. It’s happening on a cellular level in me.

    I have watched and listened to so many of your blogs and podcast since the great breakup a year ago. I had no idea of just how messed up I had become. 41 years of the crap from the last one. Most men who have been in serious combat believe me to be a combat veteran. Nope, just years and years of crap.

    Thank you for being a benchmark and an example of what we can become with the work and the help of the Universe.

    Nothing else. Just happy to be alive (and alone) today. Bless your heart ma’am.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Hi Kenneth,

      It’s my pleasure.

      Thank you for your lovely words!

      I love that you are breaking free.

      Bless your heart too 🙂

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 11, 2019

    Hi Mel,
    Just wanted to say hello. LOL. I’m enjoying life and finding narcs more amusing than anything. It’s such a nice feeling. BTW, I just love the images you come up with for the titles of your videos. They’re hysterical. I had a friend that was very much a taker and never reciprocated. I used to feel such anger and hurt after I had my final incident with her years ago and I walked away from her. I hadn’t thought about her for years until seeing this video. Listening to you, All I could do was shake my head and laugh at how utterly ridiculous she was and how glad I am to be where I am now. I’m surrounded by such wonderful and loving friends. I moved in June into a building owned by one of my besties. It’s 3x’s bigger than the space I had before and my friend went all out in remodeling it. It’s the most beautiful space I’ve ever lived in. She even got me appliances for my kitchen. We’ve always done well in business, we communicate wonderfully together and she’s been one of my best massage clients for the last 15 years. Once I got okay with letting the toxic people go and living life on my own terms again, I had more time and energy for the beautiful people in my life and it’s just going so beautifully.

    Haha….I guess I had more to say than hello….LOL. So glad you do what you do. I’m now in the process of preparing to be a continuing education provider in my profession and I already have students before I’ve even gotten started. I guess they were just waiting for me to show up to my life again.

    Bless you Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 11, 2019

      Hi Asha sweetheart!

      Yes, they ARE very funny. I get a giggle too!

      Thank you, our lovely MTE graphics designer Ivy is responsible for these – she does an AMAZING job.

      Awww … so happy toxic people are out and genuine ones are in for you!

      Gosh Asha look at you go – I am so thrilled for you hun! It does not surprise me, the beautiful breakthroughs you are constantly making with all the inner work you have done on yourself.

      Sending you love and continued blessings Angel.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    September 12, 2019

    Thank you for your insight on this topic. What do you do when the narcissist is your daughter in law and you can cease to have a relationship because you don’t want to lose your son?

    Margie Anton
    September 15, 2019

    Amazing article just what I needed. I have been struggling with a best friend relationship. We grew up together. This last year I left my husband of 47 years, moved in with my brother (he is bi-polar and was an abuser to me as a child, he is 4 years older than me) we have clashed badly. I shut down like I never have been in my life, full of grief and guilt. I went to spend time with my best friend. She who had been compassionate and supportive to me turned on me and said very hurtful things, so not like her. I had set some boundaries with her which she responded to like the Narcissist in your article. Since I left we have barely spoken. I have been going through a divorce and my spouse just got diagnosed with dementia. I have wanted to address my and my friend ‘s relationship but have been unable to as I had no idea what to say. This article showed me she is a Narcissist which without your article describing that behavior I would never have believed it of her. But duh ! My husband is a Narcissist. I learned that in therapy this past year. Wished I would have had someone with trauma bonding experience. I also see that as honest of a person as I am I have not been honest many times as I thought I might hurt someone’s feelings and that is excruciating to me. But now I think it is fear of losing those I care about. Wham !! In one year after 5 years of hell with my husband. I lost my life partner, my pet died, I was verbally, emotionally abused by my brother, husband and best friend. And in the middlle of this I had emergency spinal fusion surgery and husband spent all our retirement. Leaving us financially broke. He is 78 and I am 70. Just might be some fear of loss. Ya think !! Yes, I have “a lot” of work to do “ON MYSELF” and when I am able I will be looking at taking your course. Thank you for all you do to help people through this unimaginable nightmare.

    September 16, 2019

    Absolutely true. As a NARP and forum subscriber for 3 years (and I love the youtube videos and email/newsletters as well), I can truly say that the program is for anyone who has wounds from abuse of any type. I grew up with an abusive/narcissistic parent and one of my older siblings was also narcissistic. I was so empathetic and desireous of love that I tried humor, kindness, obedience, subservience, etc. to help heal my family’s problems from earliest childhood on. By the time I reached adulthood I was basically a walking human trash can, just full of their wounds, junk, hatred, etc. though on the outside I was working, going to graduate school, dating, full of hope for the future, etc. and all seemed well. However, from high school on I knew I had to do something to help myself, as I was in so much emotional agony. The first moment I had a chance to leave, I did. I know for some they say it is harder to leave their N’s than it is to beat an addiction to crack cocaine. But I could not wait to experience life without an abuser. I had this enormous high just from having the freedom to forge my own life, which literally was the fuel that propelled me forward for many years. Of course, returning home for an occasional visit was emotionally grinding. And the inner progress was slow. I was reading self-help books, growing in my understanding of and relationship with God, etc. I noticed I had many unhealthy narcissistic fleas, though that term was unknown to me at the time. I just knew I had a lot of pain and some odd ideas about relationships b/c intellectually I knew they were not serving me, but I didn’t know how to get rid of them or cure them. I tried will power, prayer, etc. Sure, it helped somewhat. But my level of woundedness was so great and so devastating I was really bleeding out and just needed emotional ER beyond what was available in your friendly positive attitude books, blogs, etc. My reading did introduce me to the modern concept of the Narcissist. However, many sources had many different definitions. Still, members of my family of origin had many of these traits and it helped me start sorting out the fact that I had been seriously emotionally abused (if you haven’t tried Melanie’s questionaire to identify a narcissist in your life on youtube, I highly recommend it). I did fortunately avoid the usual narcissim recovery forums on the Internet, as I felt those were depressing cesspools of victimhood (which they were), and made me feel like I was going backwards, not toward healing. Then I found Melanie Tonia Evans and NARP. Well, I didn’t look back, because I didn’t need to. She, her program, and her beautiful team are the whole package. Even if you have experienced “just,” say, bullying at school but the pain still nags at you. Or you were in a car accident as a child and are now afraid to drive on highways, or lingering sadness from a miscarriage, etc. It simply has to be something you can’t get over emotionally (fear, anger, sadness, etc.), whatever the source or original reason. Doing this program is all about emotional healing (not intellectual talk therapy). And double the reward, when you emotionally heal, then you also intellectually heal because both work in tandem. But the emotion must come first, as it drives the intellect. I did not use NARP to heal myself from abuse from a partner/love relationship (which it is certainly very powerful in doing). I used it because of the torturous way I grew up. I will say that in terms of how long it might take to heal, aside from how often you work on the modules (Melanie recommends daily at first), it can take longer for former childhood victims of abuse to heal than those who may have a few insecurities from a small number of scary or stressful experiences. IOW, the more you were abused as a child, the longer it could very well take you to actually get solid on variety of topics, simply because being brought up in narcissim affects so many facets of your spirit and reality. It has taken me longer than a few months using Melanie’s program to get there. I even sped up the whole process by reading the horrendous trilogy, A Child Called It, because I wanted to tap into my pain quickly and get most of the deep healing out of the way (even though I had not been physically abused like the boy in that autobiography, I was emotionally abused in some similar ways and could certainly connect with some of the pain). Believe me, if you want to set off your triggers and address them in rapid-fire style, reading a biography or autobiography of an abused child will certainly facilitate that. But that would be up to each individual. Anyway, I love Melanie & co. til the cows come home and can’t say enough good things about them. God bless every one of them. They are generous, authentic people, faithful to every single client in need. Through my prayers, good will, and thoughts of friendship, I hope I can repay them in some way.

      Jennifer Mathew
      September 20, 2019

      PS In line 12 of my comment above, when I say “friendly positive attitude books, blogs, etc.” I am talking about general self-help books, not Melanie’s more powerful program. Thank you.

        October 5, 2019

        Thanks for your comment ! I am curious about what you did with you fam of origin after healing? I have a similar path in -some- ways – having gone far away etc – and working for years on all sorts of healing programs etc — just stuck on the point of doing this work and then having to hang out w ppl who were involved with such pain etc (non- narc)

        what if one simply doesn’t like them???!

        Is one ever allowed to break from fam of origin – is something that has puzzled and also stumped me for years!! (and prevented me from taking healing steps)

        not sure how these comments work – but perhaps you’ll see this : )

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 5, 2019

          Hi KKWL,

          Yes if FOO dont step up to what you express to them why you honestly need to continue a relationship then 100% yes break away.

          Many people in this community have.

          2 very key people in my Family I had that conversation with – and would have walked away if they had decided that they would not meet me more respectfully. They did decide to, but in no way did my wellbeing moving forward require that.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

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