Those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse can tend to be the kind of people who find themselves doing good things for the wrong reasons.

Specifically, connecting to and trying to help other people, who are not prepared to help themselves.

Before healing and Thriving we did this to try to earn love, because we didn’t want to rock the boat or because we thought that this was how to create support, safety and allegiance in relationships. Perhaps we were in scarcity consciousness, hanging on to people because we didn’t believe we could attract or have better.

Even after healing and Thriving, we can still continue these energy leaks to our own detriment – it’s what many Thrivers do. After finding our way out of the darkness of trauma and abuse, we may wish others to have what we now have – breakthroughs, freedom, purpose, love and success. We may give a lot to others, whilst having our own lives disrupted, compromised and damaged as a result of their behaviour – despite us trying to help them.


The Truth About Relationships Exposed

Now, more than ever you are seeing the TRUTH about relationships. I know so many of you are reporting this phenomenon happening everywhere!

Those which are TRUE relationships will stand, and those which aren’t won’t.

Right now, the more clarity, alignment and personal direction you have, and the more you follow your missions, the more obviously you will see those who have the capacity to join you. And also see those who don’t.

On your path of Thriver growth, you will activate the right people into their own self-examination, deep inner work, inner liberations and then outer expressions into integrity and success consciousness.

Or… people will try to grasp your energy for their own benefit, whilst remaining stuck, resistant and unwilling to do the inner work to grow into their own personal graduation with you.

Right now, in THIS time we are living in – when all that is in darkness is coming to Light – they will drop the ball. Obviously. Badly. Spectacularly.

The real-life disparity is startling. On an everyday level the energy you share will be like oil and water. Falsities just won’t gel with you anymore and you will notice when words and actions are universes apart. It becomes blatantly obvious – this person is not who I thought they were.

I can’t tell you how many people in this community are reporting that long-term relationships are crumbling. All of a sudden, you are realising they are just NOT your people, after previously being in your life for a long time.

Never before has there been such a ‘great divide’. Relationships are ending in droves. It’s chaotic, painful and yet meant to be. Obsolete relationships are crumbling, making way for the new order of evolved partnerships – which stand strong as honesty, teamwork and unification.

These are vital times. Powerful times of ascension from third dimensional fear and pain into fifth dimensional co-creation with Source consciousness. It’s a pressure cooker. Everyone’s wounds are being activated.

It’s time to lean inwards, resolve this, and then step up.

Those stuck in entitled, selfish, irresponsible and deceptive behaviour – unable to be humble enough to take responsibility for their actions – just don’t deserve our respect or energy anymore.

We used to think it was the ‘right thing’ to hang on, make excuses and grant a ‘pass’. Now we know it isn’t. Something inside us knows it’s time to let go, up-level our relationships and bless certain people from afar. We love them, we care about them, we wish the very best for them, but we just don’t want them in our life anymore.

Like me, many of you are reporting you just don’t have the time, bandwidth or energy anymore. It’s just too exhausting spinning your wheels with people who don’t heal and change.

We need to change too, and the old habits of martyrdom can be hard to let go of.

Let’s examine them.




Are you prone to Martyrdom?

Many people who have been narcissistically abused have had a pattern of having lower vibrational people in their lives.

Kind people do this! You want to see the best in people. You believe in their potential. You want to offer them a better life, a ‘leg up’. Often the healer in us wants to rescue and relieve people’s suffering.

When this extends into our personal life then we have to assess WHY we are trying to help others at the expense of our own sanity and health, when these people are simply not motivated to help themselves.

Perhaps you have deep seated feelings of guilt and shame that make you believe that you need to serve others – even when it hurts – to try to prove your worth.

People who are really strong and capable may shoulder the responsibility and cost for others who are less capable, because you don’t want them to have to struggle and suffer. Somehow this becomes your burden, and they get very comfortable and used to this. The more you give the more they take and expect from you.

You may be terrified about the repercussions in your life if you speak up and say “no more”. Will people turn on you, abandon you, attack you, smear you or even try to destroy you?

Is confrontation difficult especially with those you love and care about? Would you rather shut up, keep the peace, and try to explain away how you are feeling violated, unsupported, unheard or even exploited?

As everything is rattling up to the surface, the following is true: You WILL see the truth of your relationships, whether you like it or not!


The Essential Responsibility to Your Own Soul Mission

We have far too great a commitment to our own Inner Being to allow passengers to steal our life-force and blame us for the lack of their own.

Do these people strive to heal, Thrive, grow and better their own inner and outer lives? Do they want to contribute to and serve humanity? Are they prepared to put in the self-work, effort and yards to actualise their soul’s calling?

Or is their life all about themselves? Do they expect someone else to hand it to them on a silver platter?

Make no mistake, if you are in martyrdom tendencies, you will be expected to provide it to people who have no intention of being a self-generative force to themselves.

If you are providing what this person wants there will be very little gratitude or reciprocation – its simply expected. When you say “enough” of them draining your energy, you discover they don’t have the resources to step up – rather they attack you for exposing what they have hidden from many others and especially themselves:

“I am manipulating my way through life, using others for my own benefit, because I don’t have the motivation or commitment to create my own life for myself.”

Yet you love them, you offered them the chance to empower themselves and step up.

If only they had applied humility and love for themselves, you and the relationship, then you would have respected this and opened your heart and life to them. But they didn’t – and attacked you instead.

The time for rescuing other adults has finished. We are no longer meant to be encumbered, bogged down and drained by these relationships, because we are now called to share inspiration, flourish and create with other self-responsible people. It’s time to connect with people who do contribute and participate with others healthily – co-operatively.

In this time of reckoning, the sorting out of the wheat from the chaff, you will find out who is a Unity Consciousness person in your life and who isn’t.

More so than ever before, we are vibrationally affected by the company we keep. More so than ever before we have the ability to say “No” to relationships that don’t serve our souls healthily and open the doors to those which do.

Our souls are NO longer allowing us to NOT live from this place.


Being Faced With Our Own Levels Of Authenticity

In this time of fast-track evolution, have you noticed how you are pushed into deeper authenticity?

If we are doing good ‘outer things’ from an ‘out of integrity’ inner place, it’s now backfiring badly. The truth with a capital “T” Is emerging so vigorously that there is no denying it.

If we have been giving to get, not speaking up, ignoring our inner warning bells and not laying boundaries, then we have made this rod for our own back.

Did it go too far? Often it did, because we set up an energy exchange that was coming from an out-of-integrity inner space. When we are ‘going along’ to avoid our fears, then what we create usually grants us the exact terrible results we were trying to avoid – being unsupported, mined, persecuted, attacked and turned upon.

Manifestation is almost instant now.

Yet by speaking up – sooner rather than later – you invite people to come into deeper unity, respect and growth with you.

Being a self-generative Thriver means coming from a place of honesty, self-value and boundaries, rather than just hoping “this will turn out okay”. In this time we are getting belted in the face with any part of ourselves NOT honouring ourselves, our truth and our limits by not speaking up.

The results are quite frankly disastrous.

By being direct and having these difficult conversations, you will know who is with you and who isn’t. And if you do not have that clarity yet, keep doing the inner work to lovingly release all involved, allowing them the freedom to gravitate to whoever and whatever is meaningful for them.


In Conclusion

This is what I am seeing – things breaking down and changing everywhere. As the dust settles, what is coming into view is integrity, power, strength and unity consciousness. We are being called to commit to and love others and ourselves enough to no longer ‘be false’ in order to get along. The more we do this, the more we are creating the space to find our tribes.

It’s that time beautiful people.

It’s time to be GOOD to the truth, for the right reasons.

Then we will have the energy love, support and co-inspirations to create a TRUE emerging world.

Did this article resonate with you?

Does it help explain what you may be going through?

I’d love to hear from you with your comments and questions below.

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Commments (47) + Leave a comments

47 thoughts on “Doing Good Things For The Wrong Reasons

  1. Wow, another “whopper of truth” from Melanie. Very timely and even prescient: I, too, think humanity is now upon a verge of transformation to “higher levels” of being. Awareness of the vivid distinction between dark and light is paramount. Even newborn kittens eventually open their eyes.

    I love the characterization as “passengers” those who would attempt to steal our life-force. I insist upon driving forward the motion of my own life, thank-you-very-much — no hitch-hikers or back-seat drivers allowed on the journey towards MY destiny!

    Thank you, Mel, you have inspired us once again as you share with us your profound wisdom.

  2. It’s interesting how, “all the wrong reasons”, were/are commonly practiced. Being aware now of how manipulated I was by the Narc, I catch all the wrong reasons often! My hope is that a lot more people have the courage to be authentic, seen and heard. Publicly speaking our private heart-truth.

  3. Many thanks, Melanie – as always – for speaking directly to the struggle so many well meaning but overstretched people are having at the moment (due also to the rolling effects of the pandemic, as well as to wider structural and narrower personal issues). As ever, you manage to call and empower to action without resorting to blaming and shaming. Thank you for your profound clarity, for sharing your ideas and conclusions so generously and with such obvious good faith, and for being a person who makes a positive difference to others every day.

    1. Hi C,

      Absolutely I did not want to blame or shame anyone.

      Truth is truth and truth is love.

      You are very welcome and thank you for your lovely and generous support.

      Much Love to you

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  4. All your articles resonate with me and explain what I’m going thru. Criticizing N’s in my life are reappearing and using flattery and seeming kindness which I formerly fell for and allowed myself to be drained, plus discarded when their fuel tank was filled up. Now I’m asking mature questions. Their disappearing acts are amazing. They know I’m no longer gullible because I state my boundaries.
    They do go off for new supply quickly! Fascinating now to recognize the part I played. Thank you Melanie for your tool box. I’m building a stronger foundation and healthy new friendships are forming.

    1. Thanks for sharing your “breakthroughs,” Ms. Breakthrough: I love it! What I find fascinating is how “cookie-cutter” this behavior not only IS, but how it is so completely affected by smart, sensible strategies (like clearly-stated boundaries) — again and again and again. It’s like baking a cake: when you faithfully follow the instructions and use the proper ingredients (authenticity, especially), it turns out pretty nice and delicious!

  5. Dear Melanie,
    Each time I am able to “shift” something out that is no longer helpful for me to hold onto I am so grateful for you and NARP….
    This article today gives me a brand new challenge!
    Too many times I’ve tried to do good things or the morally right things or what I hoped would be, i.e. doing a “something” that might make someone else feel better or make them happy!
    I’ve been stuck in this pattern for a long time and I have a feeling, after reading this article, that this is something I need to shift out and rebuild and restart in the NARP way.
    Honestly, in most circumstances with these efforts I ended up wasting a lot of my good energy and good efforts when I could’ve been reversing the process and taking care of myself….
    I don’t mean taking care of myself in a selfish way.
    I mean by that statement taking care of myself the NARP way….
    This idea of self-care in the “way of a Narper” is so contrary to my ingrained or imagined ideas that I’ve held on to in this life about self care….
    What I’m trying to get to here is that I have these predispositions or thoughts or ideas that NARP has shown me are basically unproductive…
    I need to let go and shift out these ideas and I don’t know how or what is a good way of doing that specific kind of shift.
    I thought I would go to the forum for help but also thought it might be helpful to mention my dilemma here!
    Any thoughts, anybody?
    Thanks everybody! ❤️🦋❤️

    1. as the oldest of 7 kids, and an alcoholic father, my N mom literally told me it was my job to take care of my younger siblings, be the good example, be her assistant and to share everything I had with them. They were never required to reciprocate in any ay, not even with respect. The entire family was emotionally abusive, but NM was one of those crazy-making types. I was the scapegoat after dad died.
      It has taken years of work to understand what was healthy and what was abuse and what was just dysfunction. Even when I found I wasn’t responsible for everyone else I kept acting like the Big Caretaker.
      In good relationships, there is give-and-take and sharing. I too often was the giver – and that’s emotionally too – the one who tolerated and forgave and made excuses for others. Now, I honestly do see the good side of people automatically – but it’s taken work to recognize the ‘”red flats” – and self-control to do that before I get too involved in a relationship.
      since my dad was alcoholic, I got into Alanon and learned a lot there too – like how to care for people without taking care of them.
      Good Luck with your journey!

      1. Hi Bev
        After reading your comment I thought of the word “enabling” that I learned from Alanon which I went to because a family member had a substance abuse issue.
        It was constantly drilled into me that unless a person wants to change there is nothing that we can do except pray or maybe wish or hope….
        That, is still, for me, the lesson I need to learn…
        And it’s a hard one to learn!
        Thank you so much for sharing with all of us YOU and the wonderful inspiring person YOU are here for us in NARP!

      1. Hi Dee
        I’m not sure how that would work out but it sounds intriguing or at least interesting! If two people shared life together that were “giving types” it would seem that there is potential for a harmonious relationship….
        The primary difficulty that I have run into in my marriage is that my spouse is predominantly the “taking type” with any ideas of reciprocal exchange kind of warped or are at least predicated on her own “wants and selfish needs” at any particular time.
        Selfless “giving” might have certain drawbacks and maybe some repercussions but I, for me, feel that it has major spiritual benefits….
        (God, the creator, lights our life with omniscient love and shares with us an inexhaustible benevolence!)
        I wonder what others might think about this idea, Dee!
        Thank you for sharing! 💞

    2. Hi Peter –
      Sharing this fabulous journey… I feel that wanting to and taking care of others, and helping, is a great thing. but as Mel says, from a healthy space 💕.
      I am about to dive into mod 11 of the original healing series. I have found mod 11 incredibly helpful for these sorts of shifts. How might you state your personal goal? Once you can state what you want as a positive, you can take that into Mod 11.
      Since I am still working on self sufficiency and rebuilding abundance (that was one of the really big losses I am still rebuilding from), my goal today is: “I receive credit and loving, joyful abundance with my writing, art, music and spirit”.
      What could your goal be?

      1. Hi Valerie
        Thank you for asking what my goal might be! It’s something that I have held dear to my heart since I was a little kid! That is to become the best person that I can be. To never forget why I’m on this earth…. and to pursue with unflagging intentions my spiritual development.
        In spite of all the incredible difficulty that I’ve experienced on this earth I’ve never forgotten that. Being here in NARP continues to remind me of that purpose and most important pursuit…
        Thank you so much! I wish for you growth and joy as you navigate this life….

    3. Hi Peter,

      absolutely a lot of the programming I mentioned in this article applies to people who have felt guilty about honoring self!

      I would suggest a goal-setting Module from NARP “I claim the right to honour myself first. By doing so I honour the entire Field and others in truth and in honourable ways.”

      Keep clearing all resistance until you reach a 10/10 with your goal.

      I hope that this helps.

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  6. Thanks Melanie. This article resonates and is speaking to me so strongly right now.
    I’m learning how to be more assertive, express my needs and courage in saying no and confidence saying yes. Well, this is not ok with my former tribe and because of that I have been left out deliberately on several occasions.
    It’s the right choice in my mind and heart, relationships that no longer serve me will be put aside and I’m now focusing on nurturing other relationships where I matter and feel valued.

    1. Tima
      I’m at the same stage as you. Being left out hurts somewhat but hurts nowhere near as much as living in fear, not speaking out truths, not setting our boundaries and the rest.
      Onwards and onwards now, welcoming the light. Good journey to you.

    2. Tima
      I’m at the same stage as you. Being left out hurts somewhat but it hurts nowhere near as much as living in fear, not speaking out truths, not setting our boundaries and the rest.
      Onwards and onwards now, welcoming the light. Good journey to you.

  7. Hold this mirror up to me; having lived my life as one of the “offenders” thanks for calling me out as I climb out of the trappings of entitlement and EGO. Your words put my behavior in my face and now I must sow the courage to move beyond my selfish limitations. There’s a big reason I’m a Narper and N at the simultaneously as set forth on the journey within and no longer discard my core truths.

  8. My goodness is this right on time for me as I am seeing a very good therapist and have followed your work Melanie for some time and it’s always smack bang on the money. I lost my father at 11 he was my protector, and provider and unconditionally loved me after he died my mother, older sibling and grandmother turned out to be narcs from hell. I suffered a lot of abuse and endured a lot of care taking responsibility for my youngest sibling who happened to be a literal baby and was neglected heavily. I somehow magically became the ‘good girl’ and started taking care of my family and filled my fathers’ shoes because that was the only way to be someone and not be so bad when little did I know they were all disordered and mentally ill. I am now 46 my late mother has passed so has my sick grandmother and my older sibling married prince charming leaving me with taking care of my younger sibling who ended up with auto-immune issues since childhood and illnesses as a lack of care from the family. I have helped her help herself but I think I need to do the inner work because this pattern has played out to the letter of the ‘caretaker’ role and helping others who refused to help themselves and then being taken advantage of. Yes I had a narcissist in my life but then I now realize I have had a closet of these people and the skeletons are still there…… can’t beat this with just knowing what has happened there has to be something else other than pattern observing to shift this stuff. I am doing EMDR and have a really bad nervous system that I battle with every day so any suggestions are appreciated. Wonderful post dear lady.

  9. Let have this info in all schools and change our school system to Quanta freedom healings instead …

    You are an inspiration Melanie Tonia Evans ❤️💡🙏

  10. This is hard to talk about but I’ve bottled up and put up for years with being controlled and manipulated by my Narc Mum and other family members too…..truth be told I didn’t notice any of this until I was married to someone who basically sucked the life out of me, I was just an empty shell, the marriage ended 5 years ago and whilst trying to make sense of it all I stumbled across your blogs and a few other ones on the internet… certainly opened my eyes to a lot and I now know my childhood actually set me up as easy prey for the ex husband I had. Melanie thanks for all the information you provide to us it’s invaluable and I can spot the red flags 🚩 and know to give a wide berth to those people 🤗

    1. Michelle. Your post struck a cord. That’s where I was after my divorce. I got better but recently got sucked back into another narc process. Thank you for sharing your story. It gave me the courage to tell mine. I’ve carried it for a very long time knowing rationally what is right, but believing in a deep, secret place that maybe I was the crazy one. Therapy is helping me see the situation through objective eyes and that reality check is healing and giving me the courage to speak up and live with courage. The fear and threat of being abandoned if I don’t do and be exactly as they want is evoking outrage instead of desperation. It’s not where I want to be but it feels like a step in the right direction. Thanks again.

  11. I’m at a stage of recovery where I have no more narcs in my life, and I haven’t got a new ‘tribe’ yet. This article addresses that perfectly. I’ve noticed that things seem to be going more smoothly for me now, little things going better, as if a secret guardian angel is putting things I need in my way. This is one of them. 🙂

  12. Absolutely! I have people dropping off like flies but I feel so free and happy! Thanks Melanie you are truly inspiring! Sending so much love to you and all the beautiful thrivers out there xx
    2023 will be a great year!🙌🏼💕

  13. Thank you Mel. So glad you’re back. Your messages give me strength and validation. Thanks so much.

  14. Very timely, yes. I have been the scapegoat in the family for a long time and setting boundaries recently has cost the relationship with yet another sick family member. She has leaned so hard on me that I was losing the last ounce of soul energy. Felt like I was losing my sanity. My support came from a place of caring since she lost a child and she was devastated but after 2 years the conversation hasn’t changed. Even after getting through the worst of the grief, it was always about her and I never had the space to do my own grieving over that loss because she would get offended by almost any attempt to talk about my feelings and my loss. I don’t think she ever asked me even once how I was doing with my grief.
    Telling her I just couldn’t do it anymore, earned me attacks, blaming, shaming and a total discard. She seems to feel discarded by me but I’ve tried to keep the relationship and just change the conversation. I’m starting to clue into the idea that maybe she didn’t actually feel discarded but is instead walking away because the supply has been removed. Saying she loves herself just like she is, even though she is deeply mentally ill. Agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, driving phobia, conversion disorder, and alcoholic. She has made another in her life completely responsible for her and no one will say the empress has no clothes because it’s not safe to do so- they just love her from a distance.
    I should feel relieved and I’m getting there but I love my family and watching them walk away from me and my boundaries is still a painful loss. Left out at holidays and being scapegoated again… called the sick one, has done a number on me but I’m standing my ground and open to a whole new tribe where relationships are in balance. I realize that I may spend my life alone a lot of time. My time and energy is being directed toward myself and toward those people who can make some deposits and not just withdrawals. It’s been sad but also liberating to recognize the narcs in my family for what they are and to understand that I’m not a bad person when I don’t play the game and when I tell the truth. My mistake is in waiting so long to set those boundaries that no one listens until I become reactive. Then they only experience hurt feelings but never hear the message. I’m working hard to give people grace but not give people a mile. When I don’t set boundaries early and clearly it really is my own fault when things blow up. I own that. Hoping for a better tomorrow…..

    1. Hi Deanna,

      this is a dark night of the soul – a splitting open for many people. I too have been going through this as well.

      I promise you with healing and coming out the other side we will be better at honouring ourselves, and feeling love for all, but also knowing that this can be from a distance if we are being leeched upon and people are not taking responsibility for themselves.

      Also, that healthy treatment and respect for ourselves needs to be a part of the relationship with anyone. Not exploitation – and definitely not smearing.

      It’s all okay Dear Lady, you will get there. It’s a time to deeply grieve, let go and open your heart even more to yourself and Source and Life to fill with the light of Love.

      That’s what I am doing and working with to transform so much.

      It’s poignant, painful and incredibly beautiful all at once.

      Sending so much Love and Healing to you

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  15. This really resonated with me today and reminded me of what you said in one of your talks towards the end of the year: these people will start dropping out of our lives and we won’t miss them. By the end of December, I had identified several people that I used to spend time with that are stuck and won’t do anything different. When I was processing my own issues I spent time with them so as not to be alone. However, once I changed my thinking and behavior, tried new things, etc., I really noticed what was going on and Melanie you are absolutely right: I no longer sought them out and don’t miss them. I still give them small amounts of my time when they do surface, but I am no longer initiating contact.

    1. Hi Mary Ch,

      and of course, you can still love them, but more from afar!

      But where there was once filling a “hole”, no longer exists making space for much higher vibrational tribe!

      Awesome work!

      Love and blessings

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  16. Timely as always! I’ve just been reflecting on all of the above!
    And noticing my rescuing tendencies and who is not really doing the inner work even if they seem to be on some level.
    And needing to be authentic is absolutely essential and not possible to ignore anymore.
    Thank you for these wise words 🙏🏻

  17. Hi Melanie

    This is my actual truth right now.I had a very difficult conversation with my daughter this morning which was very painful as I faced the truth for the first time . Afterwhich I begged God for guidance and then I saw your article .

    Thank you


  18. As always you are extremely to the point, even uncannily so. I have been trying to figure out why I have been feeling so strange of late and it has been so elusive I haven’t been able to pin it down. I didn’t think there were others out there feeling it too and it’s a relief to know that given that in my own life there are separations happening among people and situations I believed were more or less fixtures. In some ways the challenges are greater now than when I started NARP nearly a year ago as I’m now dealing squarely with the 3D/5D schism. I’m floating free in many ways and bumping up against 3D all the time with others and in the world. My situation has not changed much but my internal state has. I don’t crash as hard anymore because I know how to parent myself but others don’t like that I am so selective about my choices because they claim I can’t afford to be and it shows them up. And then of course when I have asked for help conflict arises in these quarters. I have been experiencing a lot of judgement and I feel like a ghost in the shell of my old life. At the same time old patterns I was not aware of are really in my face now and the sense of disconnect is like a jagged edge while the life I want hovers just at the edge of my field of vision. It has been affecting me somatically with my digestion as I have been processing some very sticky stuff. Your work has made me realise that much of my past spiritual practice has been a case of doing things for the wrong reasons as has my relationship patterns out of a sense of not being enough. This has stopped me dead in my tracks. I felt like I was doing so well for a while and it’s so hard now not to react to what I have been finding inside myself. The only thing that stops me is the knowledge that 3D doesn’t work. In that liminal space I have had encounters with others that have energetically felt like universes colliding and I have surprised myself by how I have shown up. At the same time this new scheme of things feels very unstable and it’s been equally hard to put my weight on it. What has helped is the idea of “pushing back” against my old patterns, of subtle resistance, of challenging myself. I’m tuning to the true nature of the struggle within myself. It has been incredibly challenging but I can’t go backwards and as you say there is nothing else to do. Thanks for being such a light Mel. 🙏

  19. I feel rather ashamed to write this, as knowing there are choices out there, and reading your enlightening article and the messages, I realise that I am horribly stuck! It is all to do with Men and feeling responsible for their wellbeing, and is an excuse for not moving on. First a father, who depended on me for joy and advice but who also kept me dependent, then a husband who’s work was so much more important, and who then left for a more exciting proposition, and now a kind and devoted male friend, with whom I am afraid to leave for fear of being alone. Yet, I have not experienced this wonderful world yet, and wish so much to do so, time is running out, where does one find such courage.

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