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Today, I’m very inspired to talk to you about how to heal toxic shame. This is crucial after narcissistic abuse.

I have found it very interesting that many of my clients and even friends have been reporting that they are experiencing deep feelings of shame and guilt. It seems to be coming up at this time – and so it’s a great time to share this article!

 

The Devastation of Shame

Shame is sooo insidious. When it strikes it’s very painful. It can make us believe terrible things about ourselves – that we are damaged, broken, somehow “wrong”, incapable of getting our life right and worst of all, undeserving of love.

When I think of the times that I have felt the most ashamed, absolutely it was during narcissistic abuse, as well as in the aftermath of it.

I hated who I had become. How needy and broken I was. How I continued to forgive unforgiveable behaviour. How I continually let myself down … and most of all how I felt like a spiritual fraud, a love disaster, and a total life-failure.

I promise you I know what this feels like. I understand those deep and powerful feelings of shame. I also know that for a very long time I didn’t want to deal with my shame. I wanted to bury it. After all aren’t the disgusting feelings of shame the most shameful things about ourselves to accept?

Healing your toxic shame is one of the greatest hurdles to cross, and yet is one of the most powerful passages towards your healing success, and today I want to not just help you understand why, I also want to help you powerfully get free from shame.

 

How Narcissists Use Shame Against Us

All of our traumas are accentuated in narcissistic abuse, because narcissists are very skilled at working out and then smashing the parts of ourselves that are not yet solid and fully healed. The narcissist may accuse you of being selfish, of not caring about others and of doing things purely to manipulate and get what you want.

The narcissist knows that you can’t express your needs and wants confidently; that you explain and justify and feel guilty about “your rights”. The narcissist has identified that you often apologise and feel guilty if others don’t like it when you are trying to assert your own truths and desires.

This is a “shame pattern” that was established long ago. It came about usually because you had a parent or caretaker who accused you of being selfish or ungrateful when you didn’t do what they wanted you to do, rather than allowing you to establish and grow up into you own rights, values, and boundaries.

What happens in our shame patterns when they are ignited by people who trigger them? We regress back to that young inner person who felt mortified that this parent / caretaker (who we were dependent on for love and approval) is telling us that we are “bad”.

When being narcissistically abused, something inside knows that we are not bad, despite the narcissist purporting how bad we are. Logically we may know that the narcissist is indeed projecting on to us exactly what he or she is, and scapegoating us – yet WHY do we explain, justify, and lecture and prescribe ad nauseam trying to get the narcissist to agree with the version of ourselves that we want them to believe?

Why can’t we just KNOW who we are, not be triggered, and simply say, “I know who I am, and I am not accepting your version of me whatsoever. End of conversation.” And then get on with our own happy, healthy life without this person?

It’s because deep down, on the subconscious level, we are still carrying the original traumas. They are unresolved. We may feel intensely triggered and even like we are emotionally fighting for our life trying to change this person’s mind about us. It’s as if only then can we be healthy, happy, and safe.

Really, without knowing it, we are trying to rewrite the past – trying to make the original person (who we WERE completely reliant on for love, approval, security, and survival) “do it differently this time.”

Of course, with narcissists, fighting back only grants them total permission to do their ghastly dance with us. Gaslight, project, threaten, condemn, stonewall, ridicule, abandon, punish and literally drive us to a breakdown with the insane and cruel mental and emotional twists and turns.

It’s their finest work!

Of course you pop! Now, you react in ways that you become TOTALLY ashamed about! You are irate, devastated, traumatised, irrational and even manic … whilst the narcissist stands back and enjoys the victory of you becoming the “abusive crazy one”, and them staying cool and collected and having the upper hand.

 

The Pattern of Shame

I wanted to step you through this to help you understand the Pattern of Shame.

We have buried the deepest, darkest feelings about ourselves from our past, and narcissists use them against us. Then they get reignited, and we do more things to be ashamed about.

Shame is not just a pattern. it’s a self-perpetuating cycle.

Let me explain a simple shame pattern to you.

You may be on a diet and there is a chocolate cake in the fridge. You have a single slice. Then you berate yourself for doing this. You are now suffering the trauma of your own self-disgust, and then you find yourself craving more and more cake. Before you know it, half is gone and then you are in self-loathing.

What follows is a week of eating junk food.

Why does this happen?

Because shame is a powerful e-motion – energy in motion. Whatever you feel about yourself is what generates you to make choices and show up in ways that will create “more of that”. It’s simple and absolute Quantum Law – so within, so without.

To put this another way, whatever the composition of your inner being is, emotionally, on any given topic, is exactly what you will choose. And this is how you will participate in life to create more of what you are “choosing” as your beingness.

When we are stuck in shame, then we unconsciously co-collude to create more shameful feelings and behaviours to get ashamed about.

This is why we get locked into shame patterns that can powerfully sabotage our inner and outer lives.

 

People Arriving In Our Lives Who Match The Shame

This is the tricky bit with shame. We don’t want to look at it. We want it to go away but it doesn’t.

It doesn’t go away because not only are we internally regurgitating these unhealed aspects of ourselves, but the exact people and situations that represent the unhealed shame keep showing up in our lives as well.

Hanging on to shame doesn’t allow you to be free to have a great and healthy life. Rather you will feel guilty and unworthy of having your own rights and truths. Then (as the absolute truth of Quantum Law – so within, so without)  you will have people come into your life who will AGREE that you are unworthy and undeserving of having your own personal rights.

If you are carrying the shame of feeling like a bad person, because you have been told that, or because you haven’t forgiven yourself for something you did – then you will have close relationships with people who will tell you that you are a bad or evil person.

And – here is the HUGE bucket of ice cold water being tipped over your head, just as I had to do to myself – these people will “be” people who match what you subconsciously, painfully believe about yourself.

They will NOT be nice people!

They are bad, they will tell you that YOU are bad, and they will try as hard as they can to convince you that every bad situation, including their own bad behaviour, is YOUR fault!

Now please know, if you didn’t have this internal shame, it wouldn’t mean that a narcissist would stop being abusive. A narcissist is a narcissist. What it means is that you wouldn’t accept their version of you and wouldn’t have them in your life. You would not be a match and their garbage would not be your reality.

 

How The Light Dissolves Shame

I hope you have been able to follow this dialogue so far. If you have, I hope that you are starting to see the truth – that the impact of our internalised shame, if it remains in the dark, is powerful, insidious and creates so much pain, disappointment, and abuse in our lives.

Yet, the great news is that we don’t have to continue experiencing internal shame and the external matching consequences.

Shame can only operate in the unconscious shadows. It dissolves when we bring it to light.

Shame is in truth an internalised trauma. It was someone else’s personal attack on your “self” (usually at an early age) that hit and wedged within your Inner Identity. Rather than being told you were loveable, worthy, and “enough”, but were possibly behaving in a way that required attention and correction – you were told that you were “wrong”, “not enough”, “unworthy of good things” and the list goes on and on.

It wasn’t our caretakers’ fault, because they were not taught the emotional damage that this causes.  They suffered the exact same emotional damage at the hands of their unconscious role models.

When you understand that you are a beautiful fractal of Source (a child of God) and that other people’s wounds have infiltrated you and wounded you, but this is NOT who you really are – then you can start looking at what has really happened here with fascination, rather than the crippling self-judgement that has sentenced us to more shameful things.

We all have been shame attacked. We are all in this together, and what I adore about this incredible community is the joy of this journey. Myself and fellow NARPers (as well as the gorgeous, conscious supportive commenters in our community and on this blog) are all about bringing the light into the dark places where we used to be trapped.

I used to struggle with toxic shame endlessly. I used to be so distressed if anyone thought badly of me. At a deep level I felt like I was defective, wrong, and not acceptable. I even, like many of us, believed during my shame attacks that I wasn’t even worthy of being here, let alone receiving God / Source / Creation’s Love.

After narcissistic abuse this was all incredibly accentuated to the point of unliveable, unsurvivable shame trauma. Thank goodness I created the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) and experienced how I could let go of my toxic shame and bring the Light into those spaces to heal my old, traumatised self.

The Quanta Freedom Healing™ mp3 in Module 3 of NARP: ‘Forgive Yourself and Life For What You Have Been Through’, paired with the extensive eBook I created for the module, was instrumental for me in shedding shame. It has done the same for many others too.

My New Life reflects completely different shame-free realities now.

It is my greatest wish that you also can start to heal, in the Thriver Way, to go free as well.

Please let me know if this article resonates with you and also, I want to encourage you to share in the comments, how you feel about “shame” and how it has played out for you.

By sharing and bringing this to light – it is a powerful and cathartic healing in itself.

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Commments (57) + Leave a comments

57 thoughts on “The Key To Healing Toxic Shame

  1. Oh dearest Melanie,

    So good to connect with you on this blog. What a compassionate article. I am so grateful for your work in the world. I miss our work and your powerful light.

    This week, I was trying to move a mountain and it just wasn’t budging. I tried burning sage, palo santo and other metaphysical approaches to clear the atmosphere. Nothing. I felt as though a dust ‘man’ was mocking me and saying “Do you really think, sage is going to chase me away?” Well, it finally came to me as if by an angel that the only way some of these dense energies leave us forever is WHEN WE ARE TRULY OURSELVES. Turning within to face and see and listen to and embrace our deepest self is what receiving love (that sets us free) is.

    It is ONLY our light that dispels the particular shadow belief haunting us. OUR BE-ing in our TRUE LIGHT ALONE does it. So the way to be free from the waves of accusations or sense of inadequacy is to find our real self inside and BE it fully. This ONLY heals our particular wounds because our real core self is everything we are afraid we are not. We really are of the Light already.

    Nothing from outside can help. Nothing external can fix it. No one from outside can do it for us. ONLY OUR OWN LIGHT within tapped into can dispel the darkness specifically oppressing us. WE have no choice but to FIND and then BE Our Selves.

    It can be frightening to think of going within alone. We might fear that we will be turned down or that we will not find anything worthy or redeemable. NARP guides us to that place within and does the asking for us. It is like having a Spirit Guide accompany us to meeting ourselves. The experience is beyond words. It is sublime to see what the Light is.

    Melanie, dear angel from heaven, Light is the ONLY salvation we have and we have to find courage to seek it. The quest is what you have articulated and so tenderly and relentlessly shared with us. Thank you so much for all your work. Thank you so much for all you give and for staying faithful.

    If it had not been for you and NARP, I don’t know where I would be right now. I am so grateful that I went through that horrible experience with the Narc because I understand my salvation so much better. The KINGDOM of SOURCE is truly within me and from me it comes forth. I am so grateful.

    All kinds of love to you dear friend,

    Iris
    (Apologies for being AWOL lately. We are very focused on the “Hearings” going on in USA these days (and other family dynamics!). Hope to see you at next Zoom class meeting.)

    1. My darling Iris,

      I have been wondering where you are – as I always love your writing and profound teachings that come from such a clear, high source. It’s lovely to have you back!

      Your words resonated so powerfully in my soul and this is why you are such a dear soul sister to me!

      I hope and pray that you are well sweetheart, it is an intense time.

      You nailed it – in the darkest of dark we MUST stand as The Light, IN the darkness.

      More so than ever now.

      I Love you so much

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  2. Dearest Melanie, You haven’t heard from me before. And the thing is how grateful I am for what you’ve written here for all of it, but most especially what you said about shame that can’t live in the light! For the longest time , forever it seems, I’ve been aware of this vague place…. way down in the cellar of my being, that incredibly dark, dirty, messy and disorganised place that has teamed with scary monsters that terrify and shame me. It has truly been a horrible suffering to experience this darkness , nipping at my heels. I’ve never been able to completely understand what I must have done to deserve such harsh punishment. ….However you, thanks to your dedication to helping yourself and assisting others to heal from such abuses, have written all this about shame in a way that I seem to really understand! Thank God. I’ve never fully understood it enough to be able to free myself from it before. Now I see an open pathway. Thank you and bless you for helping me with this, Marinna

  3. Thank you for this timely article dear Mel, it resonated with me so much. I am still struggling with feelings of defectiveness/otherness and shame as a woman of color in a country fraught with racial divisions and conflict. I still feel stuck sometimes, but thanks to NARP and Thrive Bootcamp, I know all I can do is be my true self and not concern myself with what others are/aren’t thinking or doing. Much love to all ❤️

      1. You will inspire women of ALL colors! We are all fractals of Source – beautiful, magnificent and amazing! Standing strong!

  4. Thank you so much! What a perfectly timed piece to read. I just finished writing a bio piece for my 55th high school reunion booklet. That sounds easy enough, but you see, I had gotten pregnant and was expelled before my last semester. I did finally graduate through correspondence classes and although I did not get to graduate with my class, I got my diploma the next year. I went on to get more degrees in college and achieved things I am proud of. But, I always felt I did not deserve to go to the class reunions, and I felt I would be rejected as the girl with the red letter “A” on my forehead. I finally wrote this bio and sent it off to the class leader for our reunion. He wrote back and told me if we had a valedictorian for our 55th, he would want it to be me. Not only was he not judgemental, he gave me a way to see myself as worthy….a first step of healing. I sent that off and then found this article you wrote today. Perfectly timed! Thank you! Catherine

  5. Thank you for bringing this to light
    I know can put a word on how I feel!
    I truly enjoy your reading your articles
    Really your learning lessons. Thank you helping all of us People often ask how are you I always answered surviving ! Now I stop and try to say thriving ! Sometimes I just doing ok working on thriving!

  6. How is this for timing right on the money for me. I have toxic shame from female narcissistic family members and received many other damaging messages from disordered others in my young life. It played into work scenarios and toxic relationships and left me in a state of anxiety and depression and knowledge of not even knowing who I am as though I have no identity. I learned to hate myself and had no idea of what rights, boundaries and self-ownership were as many others I accepted what others thought or spoke about me as my truth even into my 20’s as we are still so young through our 20s’ and I have discovered I have complex trauma and have had an adverse childhood. When you talk about shame Melanie – are these states of mind and self-talk such as I feel embarrassed or I am wrong that we take on and any other abuse or shaming we have from old experiences in life play out like a movie in your mind and you get sucked in? These are the symptoms you are talking about is that correct?

  7. Of course this article resonates with me. I think I may just need to be resolved that this is my life. I am in too deep. Sticking it out is the least of three bad solutions I see as options.

  8. Hi Mel,
    I’d be really interested to hear your take on what I consider to be a ‘spiritual’ manifestation of toxic shame. What I am talking about is the teaching that we should just ‘choose’ to be happy. This implies that it is possible to just choose to be happy but I think it carries with it the notion that if we are miserable, depressed, anxious or scared then we are somehow not ‘doing life right’, some kind of lesser being spiritually and should feel ashamed by our failure. For me, when I listen to guided meditations encouraging me to just choose to be happy, it does not work for me (gratitude doesn’t make me happy either). I don’t know how to do it. Not only that, they make me steaming angry because these people make it sound so simple, when I don’t find it possible let alone easy. I feel shamed for my unhappiness and inability to overcome it. I buy into it but I think it’s a lie? Do you think this teaching is another set of lies? Does it come from being shamed for having emotions as a child? I’d love to have your thoughts on it.
    Thank you for everything you do.
    Love Hilary (NARP member)

    1. Hi Hilary,

      I am soooooo not of fan of “just be happy!”

      This is not possible for those who have been through intense trauma, hence why I am such a believer in NARP and releasing the toxic trauma (and shame) so that we have the space for happiness to enter!

      Absolutely Hilary I believe this is another New Age psychological operation … (lie).

      I love self-partnering and self Inner Being Healing, but “just be happy” is garbage! (in my humble opinion!)

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  9. Thank you so much Mel. I truly am battling with
    Feelings of shame, guilt and utter shock of allowing another to dictate who I am.
    But finally I’m here , getting help from all your work. Thank you.

  10. I lost my child to my abuser 3 years ago. Joined NARP to help get me through family court where they shamed me for being the victim of an abusive man and blamed me for the harm done to my child through witnessing his violence against me. My child has no contact with me at all. However, I send her pictures of things that I think might connect with her inner self, that don’t require answers from her that would put her in danger and see her open them immediately they arrive. Its our only connection at the moment. I pray that she will find her way out from under his and the courts control and then will use the lessons I’ve learnt here to begin the healing with her.

  11. Hi Mel,

    I had to write to you because I am so grateful this morning. This post was in my inbox when I woke up and I can’t believe how relevant it is to me, especially where you discuss how when we have shame inside us, we have people in our life who match that and treat us as undeserving of rights and bad. I have never heard that said in that way before! It really clicked. I have been working with a therapist a few months now (who referred me to your work in the first place) and using their advice and other resources, yesterday I attempted to set a very kind, gentle and respectful boundary with a “friend” of mine regarding her treatment towards me, how it made me feel. And she reacted very badly – playing dumb and gaslighting me, listing all the “evidence” she is so good and I am bad, then blaming me for standing up for myself that made her want to threaten (as usual) to end the friendship because of my apparent mistreatment of her in standing up for myself. But this time I was different and told her I agree we should end things. I have been upset since and disturbed by things, a little voice in my head saying “what if she was right?” and thinking back to my original shame wound, until I read your article today. Thank you so much – it really helped me cut through that doubting voice I have into the truth inside me which is that like you said, people like that won’t stop abusing, but you don’t have to accept their version of you. I feel like I am finally making some progress with protecting myself from others while I continue my inner shame healing. Your work is so helpful. Take care x

  12. Dear Melanie – your words on shame have deeply resonated with me – now in my late 60s I am resigned to living with mortifying shame that has its origins in childhood. Like my siblings I was an unwanted child, born into a religious family where contraception was banned. My mother worked nights leaving us with my father – an angry violent tyrant who lashed out physically verbally – he saved much of his scorn and violence for me – he hated women – hated that he created a feme – me. My mother turned her attention inwards – was oblivious to the scapegoating of her only daughter within the place we called home. Neglect made me isolated at school – scruffy dirty with rotten teeth – I too retreated into my own world – friendless – not even fodder for school bullies. From the age of 13yrs both parents told me to leave – that I was ‘out’ as soon as I was 16yrs. I just wanted to die. I left at 17yrs, went to college and though the years achieved much academically – my solace was learning. Two children – divorce – me sabotaging the marriage – I have been married to narcissist for 15yrs – this is my life. Every day I feel ashamed that I am fundamentally unlovable. I try to be as good as as I can but am disliked by my husband – his family – believe his version of me. I joined up for your naarc recovery course but I’m not on Facebook – I prefer to stay hidden – feels safer. Somehow I don’t have the energy to believe I can heal my past. My parents split up – mother died relatively young from alcohol poisoning – father became an alcoholic – did terrible things to us then left – we think he is dead. My brothers carry his behaviours – there is no unity – to my shame they see me as I was in childhood – through father’s eyes. Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself – long ago I accepted bad things happen to innocents – why not me – but I cannot imagine a time of healing – of joy – of true acceptance – inside I know the damage is too deep. Thank you for your words though – they are soothing

    1. Rosie …God is Love,pure Love.not a religion….He created you. He Loves us ALL with an everlasting Love.
      Am sure there is heaps to Love within. You are not your ABUSE !…You are ROSIE and precious in GODS sight😘😘…..never forget your inner core of WHO you are❤️

      LOVE is sent to you today ,lift up your counternance ,stand tall,always remember that you are Loved beyond measure xx
      We all join together hand in hand🖐🖐

      Thank you to Melanie,for the opportunity to share Love,compassion ,encouraging each other in our power we were given 😘

    2. Dear Rosie, so sad to read your story. Please believe that you are worth your own attention and care. NARP really works. What have you to lose to try it. She has a small free program you can sign up for. You were born on purpose and with a purpose. You are and always have been deeply loved by the force that creates all things. You story sounds so much like many great souls before you. Love yourself dear Rosie, and treat yourself like you are important because you are. Much love ❤️

    3. Hi Rosie,

      you are very welcome and I send you love.

      Please know Rosie with every breath I take and every inch of my soul and being I know we can heal if you choose to and apply to a healing tool like NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp My own life was deemed untreatable, and I have met so many others who are so damaged they are making out their end of life plans and can’t function on any level. They are now Thriving.

      I completely and utterly respect your choice though … your choices for you are sacred.

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  13. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you so much for this topic. Your wisdom and understanding of this incredibly difficult “situation” that so many of us find ourselves in came at the perfect time.
    I’ve had a lot of difficulty with shame, organically and certainly emotionally for most of my adult life. It was complicated and difficult enough to make the right efforts to try to overcome the shame that I felt for a long time about some past sexual abuse that I went through as a child and young adult and then piled on top of all of that the emotional abuse and verbal abuse and whatever abuse one can think of that comes from living with a narcissistic marital partner.
    Yesterday, father’s Day, I spent a few lovely hours with my son and the subject of shame came up. We were both expressing to each other how we feel often ashamed and so uncomfortable facing life each day, now, living in the aftermath of what his mother has done to destroy what we had left of a family…(ironically, both of us have been carrying this horrible burden….taking on blame for what she did or what happened)… I know that it is not the fault of either of us and it’s important to remember that and BELIEVE that…. but, that seems to be part of the healing process that we are both going through.
    Like my son, I am too often ashamed or feel some semblance of shame when interacting with community people or other people from the past…I feel ashamed that all of these horrible things happened (my/our fault) and that what is now my personal ill perceived legacy, a failed marriage and loser, is what I’ve got to show for my life… he was expressing something similar….
    Well, I know that it’s not healthy to think things like that or to feel things like that but these thoughts were there. (That’s the horrible trap that you referred to today!)
    After reading through the blog I was able to put some of these unhealthy thoughts somewhat into a different perspective. I am so thankful that you sent this message out for all of us today.
    The part about bringing the light to dissolve the shame really resonated with me. I’ve been trying to do that each day of my life and your reminder and guidance will help me even more…
    Honestly, I don’t know where I would be when I’m facing all these different life issues without the help of NARP. Today is another example with your teaching showing up at the exact and perfect time. Thank you so much Melanie! ❤️🦋❤️

    1. Hi Peter,

      I’m so pleased that this has helped.

      Your healing will also be your son’s healing – it is beautiful how (at any age) our children follow where we energetically go.

      Keep shifting out your traumas Dear Peter .. that’s where the most powerful work happens. Then there is no trauma remaining that we need to manage.

      You are doing great!

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  14. I am for the billionth time trying to separate from a very close family member whose verbal blaming of me as I get stronger are becoming horrific!
    I am stronger but the last one flawed me just when I was doing my best ever in terms of separating!
    I gave in again thinking to be kind keep my distance but protect and there it was the dagger of hate !
    It’s took the wind out of my sales!
    It’s so hard when you love them but they just periodically expell their rage on you!
    I found your article extremely useful in identifying the early childhood traumas which are internalised but NOT who we are!
    Thankyou so much
    Dx

  15. Thank you for this Melanie, I really needed this today! I’ve come to realize that I was raised with shame as a way of control, when I was a child. Now years later, I’m dealing with this shame from my siblings and realize just how ingrained this is, in my family. When I’m shamed, I further punish myself, because I was taught I was a horrible person, and unworthy of anyone’s time, attention or love…everything was so conditional in my family. As I child, I used to wish I wouldn’t wake up the next day. Now the siblings continue with this, know exactly what buttons to push, and it sends me right back to being that unworthy, helpless, worthless, ‘bad’ child. They’ve projected and accused me of all kinds of unthinkable things, which for a time, left me wondering if it was me who is the issue. I’ve gone no contact, but it’s a struggle when the siblings just don’t stop…

    1. Hi Brelee,

      It is so painful when you are the “blacksheep” and the “scapegoat” of family! So many of our members go through this.

      Please know it stops for us when we decide “This is not my reality” and detach, heal and create our own True Self and True Life regardless of what others choose to believe and say (including family).

      That is personal freedom.

      It is easier said than done, hence why the inner healing tools are so powerful to “get us there”.

      I would like to recommend NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to you to help you.

      It is how I and others escaped and were emotionally released from painful family dynamics (and other toxic relationships at all levels).

      I hope that this can help.

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  16. Lovely article. As you all probably notice, I post often as I feel this blog community to be a support to my healing process. I’m having to unpack a lot emotionally. And I have had to come to terms that my own mother shamed me all my life. I do not want to believe it and it hurts- like emotional pain that physically hurts. Maybe this is why I have had issues with older women at times in my life. (like with bosses)
    She would tell me I was selfish all the time. She would yell at me and tell me I was ungrateful. Maybe I wasn’t perfect but I am starting to realize that she lied to me. I did everything I could to please her, but nothing ever worked. I rebelled too, but somehow her message of : you are not worthy stuck with me. I feel like an orphan at times.
    I do feel the shame of having to even go through this and for some reason to me it feels extremely shameful that your own mother would reject you. I am slowly releasing my traumas and basking in the love of source. The love I feel when connecting with God, I have never felt that from my mother. It feels so amazing, so free, and so warm and comforting. Like a big warm hug.I have to just keep going towards the light, cuz as Melanie would say: there is nothing else to do. So long as I have breath I will be on this journey fellow thrivers. wish you all well

  17. Dear Melanie
    I have been a Narp member for a few years now but haven’t reached out to you as yet. What a thankful journey this has been with you. Battling depression for so many years, I thought the fight was my own and I was failing that too. Then Quantum recovery, and a light started to show through the fragile cracks. A light of hope that I could become something positive for myself, my children/grandchildren and others.
    Reading this topic of Shame has opened a big door to explore. My mother’s words “shame on you” have been resonating all day in my heart and yes I allow each one to come and realize the lie that it was. My mother passed 30 years ago and she torments and controls my life still (though not as harsh and as often). I often hear others say they miss their mom every day and I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt relief when she passed and felt guilty feeling that way. “After all I did/do for you” I still hear her say.
    Thank you for everything that you’ve provided for healing Melanie. I am in my 70’s and feel that I have a chance to overcome
    Bless you and all those who face the challenges that narcissists have ,and do ,that can bind us to slavery.
    Barb

    1. Hi Barb,

      I am thrilled that this spoke to you!

      I love that you now have a deeper understanding of what you can heal … and also please know that the NARP Member’s Forum (that comes with your NARP Gold membership for life) is invaluable to reach out to and get the coaching, support and answers to truly break free and Thrive.

      You don’t need to do this alone.

      Sending you love, healing and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  18. Thank you Melania, your information has helped me over the years. I am someone who attracted narcissists, but now that you have enlightened me and I went thru the steps to letting it go and in some instances cutting cords (not cancelling!) and feel much better about myself, and also attract so many fewer people at all now the the narcissists are gone. I have not been able to get past this part, the shame. When I meet new people, healthy people, I don’t let people close because I fear rejection and judgement, and these are nice and normal (healthy) people. Still, nice and healthy people often don’t understand someone who has gone thru narcissistic abuse, what it is, and why this particular person would fall prey…and have experienced all the negative consequences as a result. They too, are often on the lookout for healthy friends and weary of narcissists or other untrustworthy people. For me, I would benefit from doable steps to how to meet healthy people and how to impart to them my experiences in a way that is sharing myself (the right amt) that they can relate to and be understanding and accepting, and without making myself feel so uncomfortable and ashamed and that I did something so terribly wrong. I’m a good person and I trusted, and I come from a deeply narcissistic family that gaslighted and played each other against each other my whole life. I just don’t know what to say when someone says, “tell me about yourself” or discussing romantic relationships “so what went wrong?”. It’s so scary and I feel I will be alone forever. People like me but they don’t really know me, we are very friendly acquaintances or work friends, but outside of that I have no friends. I stand up for my beliefs and don’t need to be liked by everyone anymore (thanks to your program), and am considered a strong, independent woman with a sense of humor. Inside I’m a mouse, and I’m frightened and lonely. I desperately want to make real friends, but get panic attacks (I was diagnosed with ptsd from the mental abuse). I need to know how to make friends with healthy people, what to say (language examples) and do. Thank you.

    1. Hi Gretchen!
      Parts of your story and comment were like reading different parts of the story of my life especially the shame and fear that has developed and often enveloped me since my experiences with past abuse and narcissistic abuse. I sure understand what you are going through and to be honest I’m going through similarly the same thing when it comes to relationships, because of fear, shame, and all the unknowns….I’ve been doing NARP and following NARP for over four years and have gotten so much help but this problem of getting rid of shame and doubt is really difficult for me. It seems that I am always on guard, thinking that maybe the person I am interested in or want to be friends with could end up being a narcissistic abuser and everything just kind of disappears and then I wonder if I will ever have a relationship with really, anyone, ever again. (I was married to a narcissist!)
      You are so right about other people not understanding what we have been through as survivors of narcissistic abuse. I keep running into that so I don’t even say much anymore to anyone. At least here, with NARP, people understand and we can share and get help….
      Melanie did a really good short post on Instagram recently about recognizing three things that you might feel or experience when you meet someone who might be a narcissist and to use certain “smple techniques” she recommended as a guideline to protect yourself from being hurt or making a wrong decision. It was about recognizing the impulses that we might have, using our gut, etc.
      Anyway, listening to it might help. It helped me some! I do know that if I continue to follow Melanies teachings and guidelines I’ll be OK but it doesn’t mean that things are easy and wonderful every day because they’re not but I am getting better and you will too! Thanks for sharing this story of yours! I hope you get better and that things get better! 💞

      1. Thanks, Peter. I appreciate your reply and sharing your story and struggles, and I am so glad for you that you feel you are getting better. I’m not on Instagram, but I ‘ll search for that post. I feel pretty confident that I can recognize a narcissist and am getting better at it, although my mind is still prone to trick me. For me, I need explicit steps of “hows” and “whats” to do to communicate with and connect successfully with healthy people on a deeper level, and need to understand what “deeper level” means and is appropriate. For example, the husband of a couple I’m getting to know more and have indicated they may be interested in being friends, commented to the wife (she shared with me) that he couldn’t understand how a man could have let me go because I am so nice and interesting.That leaves me speechless because I don’t know how to reply (ie. terrible narc marriage), which stalls the friendship process. Further, my daughter is a narcissist and I had to go no contact. These situations leave me feeling that I can’t fill in the blanks when innocently questioned. It’s embarrassing and I fear judgement. What’s interesting is that while I will talk about my daughter and say we don’t talk anymore due to a falling iut, I am surprised to find out after knowing people, sometimes for a year or 2 (!) that they have not let me know they haven’t been in touch with an adult child for years. So do we brush these issues under the rug? Is that how they should be handled? Am I sharing too much? How to handle this communication and move friendships along…

    2. Hi Gretchen,

      I want you to know what you are feeling is so normal after narcissistic abuse, my heart goes out to you, and I want you to have heart that you can use NARP to clear these feelings and beliefs!

      Please come into our wonderful NARP Community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where our lovely Thrivers would love to give you the coaching that is free (it comes with your NARP Gold Program) to finally and quickly go free from this.

      I hope that this can help

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

      1. Thank you so much. Melanie. I could sure benefit from coaching. Other than the gold member videos and lessons, which have been extremely essential to getting healthy, i addition to your ongoing education, I’ve not come into the Thriver community. Yes! I’m ready!! Thank you again!! I can’t wait!!

      2. Thank you so much. Melanie. I could sure benefit from coaching. Other than the gold member videos and lessons, which have been extremely essential to getting healthy, and your ongoing education, I’ve not come into the Thriver community. Yes! I’m ready!! Thank you again!! I can’t wait!!

  19. Oh my dear Melanie

    oh my gosh

    I can not believe that the largest thing that made me suffer during all my life was the SHAME.
    And also I can’t believe that you described my feelings exactly as they are.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you
    You are the savior

  20. Dear Melanie
    Thank you for this clarification and explanation about Shame. Having read through this post twice, I am now concluding that this is the exact stuck-point that is preventing me from moving forward in my healing. I didn’t get the depth of Module 3 when I did it – it just didn’t resonate with me… evidence of the denial of how deep my Shame is! But I completely missed working with the eBook that accompanies that Module!! So I am now much better equipped to tackle this issue properly, for the first time. Can’t wait to be free of this deep-seated shame that has plagued me all of my adult life. To Freedom, Yay!!!

  21. I’m a 44 year old golden child of two narcissistic parents.
    Long story short, I had a breakdown 5 months ago I now feel things I never have before, empathy exceptance of myself and others.
    I absolutely love your videos and the work you do.

    I’m self healing as gaslighting was the first language I learned from both parents..

    I have gone no contact with my father and my mother is dead thank goodness as she beat the heck out of me and my siblings..

    I feel as if I can breathe properly now and I’m in the process of re parenting myself.

    I am an ex Covert narcissist and now I know that I was so totally wrong with my actions and words.
    My whole life wad a lie as I didn’t know who I was.
    I’m wanting to get help with the toxic shame, I’m more excepting and listen to myself and others so much more and genuinely feel happier.
    Your a genius and watch your videos a lot god 🙌 bless

  22. Thank you for your teaching. I have been working on shifting in Module 9 lately, and I feel like this article closely relates to that module 9 work. The Module 9 has been the deepest NARP healing work I have done so far…. It really is based in a very primal childhood wound of feeling unworthy of love and joy. As I push through this difficult module 9 work, because I know it will bring me to a better place, I find myself physically sick, nauseous, feeling some insomniac anxiety that I haven’t felt in a while…. Do you find people often have this experience when working with module 9? It’s as if the deep psychic wounds are coming to the surface to be exorcised, and on the way out they are making me ill. Please tell me if this is normal or not.

    1. Hi Kate,

      well done for doing this deep and courageous work!

      Yes, absolutely this can be the case when releasing deep toxic wounds.

      You can do a shift “I am targeting the traum in my body generating this feeling (wahtever it is)” (use Module 1 or the SH and R) and clear that – then you will not have these effects.

      For all the coaching that you need (free with Gold NARP) go into the NARP Member’s Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member – and if you have any problem connecting please write in to [email protected] and one of our lovely staff will help!

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  23. It’s hard or impossible to know whether an abuser is a narcissist or has some other issue(s). NPD can only be accurately diagnosed by a professional, and most abusers aren’t interested in getting help. l think a lot of people these days are labeling their abusers as narcs whether it’s accurate or not.
    l have been repeatedly abused by many people throughout my life, back to my earliest memories (I am now 70). l have complex PTSD, depression, mood swings, various physical manifestations, all on top of autism which l only learned about in the last 10 years. lt’s complicated and difficult to sort out. lt’s all l can do to work on my own self care without trying to diagnose other people.
    Your techniques are useful no matter the reasons for the abuse. l have benefitted a lot from them, in conjunction with other therapeutic protocols.

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