Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Release Shame And Come Home To Yourself

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

In today’s article I want to bring up a topic that so many people don’t want to think about or talk about.

It’s about that inky, insidious word ‘Shame’. Even saying the word “Shame” feels yukky!

The reason I want to do this is because if we leave shame buried in the darkness it remains insidious. Truly this topic needs to be brought up into the release and the relief of the light of day – and that is my intention in regard to ‘shame’ today.

Life doesn’t always go perfectly. Life just isn’t like that. There are things that happen in our life that get us questioning all sorts of things.

Such as “Did I make the right choice?’ ‘Is this what I am supposed to be doing?”

In fact life can shake us up so much, that we can start questioning not just our choices – but the very foundation of ourself.

It’s very likely that after enduring narcissistic abuse the very core of your self-esteem and self-worth will be shaken.

You may surmise that bad things have happened because you are ‘cursed’, or you must have deserved to be punished.

You may ask yourself questions such as “Am I worthy”, “Am I good enough?”, “Who am I? or “Am I good person?”

In today’s article I am going to explore the topic of shame, and explain to you how by accepting yourself “warts and all” you can release shame and start coming home to yourself.

 

The Choices We Have When Feeling Unworthy of Love and Connection

Feeling unworthy and fearful of being hurt again may cause people to retreat from life, or they may try to fit in with others by seeking approval, and trying to be everything someone else wants them to be in order to be loved.

This non-approval of self means not being able to be in life openly and authentically – as oneself.

Shame is the very reason for non self-approval. It is a deep seated belief of somehow I am defective, and because of this I am not worthy of love and connection.

Shame is a serious problem for abusers and for those who are abused.

Abusers had projected on to them the belief that their abusers held – I am defective and no good.

All abused people suffer the force of the painful inner feelings of the person abusing them. Abusers project on to the abused the identical pain and suffering that they experienced when they were being abused.

It is all a viscous cycle of shame.

There are two ways people express themselves when they believe they are defective and unworthy of love. Either as the ‘bad’ person they were programmed to believe they were, or – if they retain a conscience and don’t want to hurt anyone – they become the recipient of more abuse which confirms the subconscious belief of being unworthy of being loved.

We know these models as narcissistic and co-dependent. The narcissistic model is about not being authentic, having to ‘one up’ to retain the upper hand, the objectification and manipulation of others, and the creating of unrealistic expectations to never truly connect and bond so as to never have to risk abuse or rejection ever again.

The co-dependent conversely becomes over attached, forgoes his or her own self, and tries to cling and fix the other person’s abusive behaviours in order to secure being loved.

 

Bringing the Darkness of Unhealed Parts Up Into the Light

Every relationship we have with another is always about the essential relationship we have with ourself – because all of our significant relationships are reflecting back to us our unhealed parts.

In fact this is the most loving gift another human being can commit to when they enter a relationship with you.

What they are really saying subconsciously to you is not “I promise to be with you for life”, really what they are saying is “I promise to bring up for you all the unhealed parts of yourself so that you have the opportunity to heal them”.

The problem is, this was never part of our learning curriculum. We were never taught that this is the most important purpose of relationships – to grant the opportunity to personally grow and evolve.

This may seem ‘unromantic’, but when you understand it on a deeper level you will understand what true love really is. The most loving people are those who are whole. The most dysfunctional and abusive people who those who are not whole.

The more ‘well’ anyone becomes, the more able they are to be loving and loved.

We were also never taught that the level of relationship we attract and participate in is the present level of relationship we have established with ourself.

The human experience was always going to be about growth. That is the very nature and cycle of creation, and ‘life’ it is forever expanding – and therefore we are meant to as well.

The cycles of nature are all about ‘stress’ and then the ‘growth’ which is produced from that stress.

Think about a new tree, and what it needs to do to sprout through the dirt and gain its roots to be strong enough to survive. Then as the tree gets older and stronger its growth is far less traumatic.

The same applies with ourself. If we have not pushed through the insecurities of becoming a solid source to ourself by establishing our own anchors of self-love, independent of the neediness for others, we are going to be very fragile and extremely susceptible to damage. Once we have established these foundations, then life and relationships go so much easier.

 

The Flawed Human Premise

So what is the key to creating these essential anchors of self?

It certainly isn’t what we were taught to believe.

Because what we were taught has had a huge NEGATIVE impact on our ability to be able to heal, evolve and grow.

We were conditioned to believe that being ‘imperfect’ was not acceptable.

We believed admitting or displaying our flaws and vulnerabilities would lead us to be rejected, abandoned, pushed aside in preference of someone more ‘perfect’, or we would be overpowered and controlled if we showed any weakness.

We could not show our flaws outwardly, and we certainly could not admit them to ourself. If we did we would simply feel disgusted in ourself or even experience self-hatred.

We were conditioned to believe in ‘conditional love’ – which is the greatest FLAWED human premise of all time.

The lie that we were fed goes like this:  “You are only worthy of being accepted and loved if you look like this, behave like this, go along with this, own this, dress like this, know this…etc. etc.”

This created humankind as people who disowned themselves, covered over ‘flaws’ (lack of self-acceptance), and created a persona to compensate. Then these people walked forward into life creating relationships where all of their flaws were always going to emerge and erupt within their personal relationships.

There is NO avoiding our own unhealed parts. If we disown them and try to run from them – life simply brings them up and hits us over the head with them.

Why?

The reason is because life gloriously grants us every opportunity to finally be freed from the painful entrapments within ourself– and does not STOP gloriously granting us these opportunities.

The most impactful way (to get our attention) life can do this for us, is through our close personal relationships.

Because of the disowning of ‘flaws’, people have forever been judging themselves, holding themselves up to some unreachable benchmark, and feeling totally inadequate for not reaching it.

This self-judgement creates intense and painful separation within oneself. It creates feelings of not being acceptable and not being worthy of belonging. It creates the addiction of having to get ‘more’, or appear as ‘more’ to make oneself finally feel worthy enough to be loved.

Of course this is a bottomless pit.

How can a person be authentic when they are carrying so much inner shame? They either have to hide from life to avoid the risk of the painful rejection they believe their defective self will receive, or they have to be in life as a False Self – someone else than who they really are, in order to try to be acceptable.

 

Accepting Imperfections Equals Belonging

When we take the journey out of the insanity of this flawed illusion, and into our inner being towards being conscious, we understand just how damaging the beliefs of being imperfect, defective and not good enough are – and how it sabotages our ability to feel worthy of connection.

We also understand that it is this unworthiness which is the root of the pain, fear, unloving and abusive patterns within relationships.

We start to understand that connectedness must start within – it needs to begin with the purging of our own sense of shame, and a deep inner acceptance that we are never going to be perfect, there will always be others who have more, are prettier, smarter etc, and none of those criteria have anything at all to do with how connected, loved and loving and accepted we can be in life.

Brene Brown a leader in the studies of vulnerability and shame found through her statistical research that the one factor that granted people love, connection, healthy relationships and sense of belonging was the ability to be real and vulnerable.

In effect what this means is that these people did not carry the shame of being defective, they were able to accept themselves ‘warts and all’ and present themselves as authentic people to others. These people did not hold the beliefs that their not so perfect parts made them unloveable, and these people did not have a set of unrealistic conditions placed on themselves. They did not live their lives by some crazy competitive and unrealistic criteria in order to feel worthy of being love.

These people simply felt and knew they were worthy of love.

 

Shame Becomes Blame

When we understand how shame works, we know that the intensely painful inner feeling of shame leads to internalisation and / or projection. Shame always becomes blame. It leads to blaming oneself and others.

A deep insidious belief of being defective means that others will be assigned as defective also.

Shame is the most destructive emotion to intimate relationships. This is why narcissists find every reason to discredit and demean their intimate partners. In effect the partner can never be ‘good enough’ and this is exactly what the narcissist deeply feels about him or herself.

Intense inner shame creates malignant disconnection and destruction within relationships.

Because you have been narcissistically abused, it is normal to feel defective, unworthy, riddled with shame, and believe you were at fault. You may even start to question whether you are the narcissist.

This is the shame you have accepted and absorbed deep within your own being from the narcissist’s projections. Some part of you had already been conditioned and programmed to accept this shame – and this was as a result of some sort of conditional love you had received in the past that primed you to accept these projections.

As a child you may have been taught you were only loveable if you did what you were told, or your received certain grades, or if you carried out the expectations your parents had for you. You may have believed that if you didn’t you were unworthy of their love.

The messages your received did not allow you to believe that you were worthy of love simply because you exist. You were not taught that being worthy of love was your basic human right and truth.

People who are not primed to accept this shame don’t stay in relationships with narcissists. They can identify “That is your stuff, and it’s NOT mine”, and remove themselves from the abuse.

The narcissist’s shame of unworthiness at some level is reflecting back to you the parts of you which feel the shame of being unworthy of love and connection.

This has primed you to accept a False Self, false love and abuse as substitutes for real love – because at some deep subconscious level, as a result of carrying shame, you don’t believe you deserve true love and connection.

This may be a bitter pill to swallow. It’s not intended as such. Please understand this is exactly what I needed to confront within myself, and shift out of my beliefs and body in order to heal and break free.

 

Perfectly Imperfect

Back to the part of the fear of being imperfect.

We are all ‘perfectly imperfect’ – that is the very nature and bedrock of growth. If you were a fully enlightened perfect being there would be no need for personal growth – and there would be no ability for you to keep experiencing the miracle of yourself as a being unfolding into the limitlessness of yourself and life.

Your ego’s version of ‘perfect’ truly is completely off target.

Perfect looking people, with lots of money, and tons of accomplishments are not more loved and accepted than others. In fact if these people have not established healthy self-love, they severely run the risk of hooking up with people who are only with them for material, aesthetic, non-authentic and shallow (narcissistic) reasons.

These people do not have the potential of more happiness and connection than you do. In fact as a result of striving so hard to be perfect and thinking this is the only way people will love them, they are prone to receive from others how they really feel about themselves – which is more unworthiness.

These people are also filled with the terror of maintaining themselves as the identity of ‘what they have’ and need to maintain their looks, money and structures otherwise they will be ‘no-one’, because their inner feelings of defectiveness would not be able to be hidden by ‘stuff’ anymore.

That is not freedom, love, connection or living – it is a self-imposed prison of fear, pain and torment.

So throw all of that out the window – and come home to the truth on this.

You would dearly love someone to love you just as much on a bad day as a good day. You would love someone to be there for you when you feel vulnerable, when you haven’t been able to be your best, when you have put on a few extra pounds, and when you start seeing the wrinkles in the mirror. You want someone to salute the divinity in you – to love you for your good intentions, for your heart, for your soul.

There is no way you want to ‘earn’ the inferior love of someone ‘loving you’ for your car, clothes, hair style, how much money you earn or how knowledgeable you are!

Similarly you certainly do not want to be in a relationship with someone who needs you to be exactly how they think you should be, and will brutally discard you if you aren’t.

Think about this deeply…

How often did the narcissist devalue or discard you over some trivial point which the narcissist deemed as you not living up to one of his or her unrealistic (and often insane) expectations?

More times than you can probably remember…

Be honest now.

Did you (or do you) ever devalue and discard yourself over some of your own unrealistic expectations?

Are you getting a clearer picture here?

 

Releasing Shame and Coming Home To Yourself

Do you understand that you need to release your shame and come home to loving and accepting yourself without conditions?

Which means no conditions of who you have been, what you have done, what you have experienced, what has happened in your life, what your childhood was like, what weight you are, how many wrinkles you have, what money you do or don’t have etc., because none of these things have anything to do with whether or not you are worthy of belonging or being loved.

This is the true meaning of unconditional love –and it has to start with YOU.

There is only one thing that creates you of being worthy of being loved.

It entails the letting go of your pain and shame, so that what is left behind is your intrinsic True Self which naturally cannot know anything other than being love and is infinitely worth loving.

The truth of Who You Really Are is – your Inner Being adores you with no conditions.

Your Inner Being (the Real You) sees you as Source / God / Life sees you.

The Real You emerges when you strip off and release the pain, false premises and insane illusions of yourself, life and what ‘expectations’ being loved is supposed to have.

When you know yourself as worthy of being loved and deserving of true connection – then you will experience it.

Why? Because you already have it, and therefore you are already living and knowing what it genuinely feels like.

It always had to first be real within yourself.

For those of you who want to heal past the abuse you experienced, and who haven’t as yet started healing with my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, truly the results of NARP consistently produces these results for people world-wide.

These healing results include – dissolving of the pain of abuse, the healing of shame, the creating of a deep connection within self, and the escaping of the horrible cycles of abuse and not feeling worthy of real love.

If you know you are stuck in the shame and pain of how your life has currently turned out, and what the narcissistic did to you – I can’t recommend NARP enough.

I look forward to your comments about this article.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on How To Release Shame And Come Home To Yourself
  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    August 7, 2013

    Melanie – you are perhaps the smartest person I’ve encountered about the human psyche. This is amazing! No one wants to look t or feel their own shame, but when we do…ah! Freedom. We were conditioned to believe that being ‘imperfect’ was not acceptable. Isn’t that the truth! Thank you for giving me permission to look at this 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Jean,

      thank you for the lovely compliment. Truly so much of the information channels while I write – I really don’t think I can take the credit!

      That is so wonderful, you are able now to go into that inky shame and embrace it – because then TRULY it does dissolve!

      Yay for that!

      Mel xo

  • Sarajoannaanderson@gmail.com'
    Sara
    August 7, 2013

    Absolutely amazing , ‘the truth’ in your words.
    I really feel I am returning home after years of looking for myself , Melanie , you’re showing me the way . You are an angel, I cannot thank you enough .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Sara,

      I am so pleased you are coming home to you – because truly there is no-where else to go!

      Thank you for your post and you are so very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • hovingham@clear.net.nz'
    Gayle
    August 7, 2013

    Hi Melanie,Thank you for another great article. All so very true. What I find is, how sad the life of a Narc is, so devoid of self, and at times I can’t get my head around why they can’t face and feel the fear, to heal. I know they are void of all empathy, yet it saddens me.Is it because I have healed many, many parts of my own true inner self, the pain was so intense, yet I pushed forward and faced all, full on as hard as it was. I still have work to do, but am in recovery mode. I have now secured a new work position that I really wanted, by being assertive, confident, and placing my own worth in this role. I, at last am a voice, instead of a quivering, scared unworthy woman, afraid and timid. Wow, I love who i really am, and under all those masks, I’ve come into my own wonderful reality. Amazing this is for me after 60 yrs. I know within the Narc, I saw a few glimpses of the real him, where there was a real human, yet he often said he was fearful, and unworthy of me, and not good at relationships. I know I tried to rescue him, yet I’m saddened by the horrible acts of child abuse, and abuse of any kind. I am aware that I can’t fix, nor help, as it’s too late for them, unless they want to seek out help themselves. I’m making the most of my life now, and am grateful for each day that presents itself to me, as I am in the real here and now, being the real me, and loving it. Thank you Melanie, as I’ve said before, you, are my “Angel” xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Gayle,

      I agree it is a shame presently that narcissists are not healing.

      However eventually to exist ‘here’ they will need to, or no longer exist. It is going to get far too painful to operate disconnected from True Self – so as time goes by – who knows?

      That is fabulous you have broken through in such wonderful ways. You truly are an inspiration to do so. I concur – it takes meeting self, it takes embracing pain to release it, and it takes oodles of real courage – but the results are worth every piece of ‘walking through the pain’.

      How can you put a price or value on freedom from your inner pain? You can’t…

      I am so happy for you that you have reached this place of freedom and gratitude for yourself and life.

      I am so pleased I could be a part of this journey with you Gayle.

      Mel xo

  • annartistmccoy@earthlink.net'
    Ann McCoy
    August 7, 2013

    I went through years of analysis with an expert on Narcissism (the shrink was a narcissist). I never saw the shadow side of the equation/ the damage the narcissist does. Now I am doing your course and after being only on step 4 am finding a new life. I have no contact and feel like the blood is coming back in my veins. Most shrinks know NOTHING about narcissist abuse and you sure to. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Ann,

      I agree most therapists / psychologists don’t get it. I believe that it really is only a deeper soul answer on anything – let alone narcissistic abuse – that grants us truth on any topic.

      The rest is just conjecture of the mind which is generally anything but the truth.

      That is great NARP is bringing you home. That is a fantastic analogy – ‘the blood is coming back into my veins’…wow – doesn’t that sum up recovery from narc abuse to a tee!

      Mel xo

  • dnsatkinson@yahoo.com'
    Denise
    August 7, 2013

    Early Thursday Morning: Amazing words. Right to the heart of the Human Condition. I will use this “road map”, today and the rest of my life. Simply put, understandable, we are all imperfectly perfect.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Denise,

      thank you for your post!

      Doesn’t it feel wonderful – just to say out loud “I am perfectly imperfect”. We can feel the wonderful space and freedom it opens up in our body just by speaking that mantra!

      Mel xo

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    August 7, 2013

    Shame is something that I have wrestled with to heal for a long time now and sometimes when I was with my ex-boyfriend he would say awful, hurtful things to me such as ‘You are an ugly woman’, ‘your dancing is very bad’, and things like that. I considered what he said and know myself not to be ugly at all, so although it hurt and I felt devalued by him, I did not take this on as truth. My dancing was something else. I struggle to learn because I am a kinaesthetic learner and it takes me ten times longer to learn steps than other people. When he attacked this passion of mine that I persist with and am also improving at, I almost gave it up feeling very ashamed and wondering how I could continue because now everyone would be watching me and thinking how bad I am at it. I chose to continue and just do it no matter what and not to have my dancing taken from me because of his comments (he is a professional dancer). I did continue and am pleased to say that I am actually getting better all the time. Recently, I have made a decision to share more of my real thoughts and feelings when appropriate, with people. Since being authentic and vulnerable is important to relating, I see that this is the way to go. I have run into some challenges. Recently, a man on a dating site asked me for my opinion about his response to something I shared. He was asking about why I wanted a relationship when I was independent, loved my work and life and planned to keep doing exactly what I was doing, with no plans to change anything. His response to my reply was quite scathing, sarcastic and dismissive. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life with my family. When I have shared my truth,I have been rejected and abandoned. Now I am having the courage to share my truth anyway, no matter what the other person response is. Interestingly, I did not feel hurt but saw his response as a narcissistic attack designed to get me to give up my reality for one that suited him. I also decided that it did not feel nurturing or that there was the possibility of connection with this person. In the past, I would have tried to get this person to see my point of view and fought for my right to be heard. This time, I have decided that I do not need people in my life who negate me when I am simply expressing my thoughts and feelings. So I deleted him and his comments. I am not worried at all because I think that finally I am coming to understand that I have a right to exist as myself, not everyone will like what I have to share and I want to be able to share what I really think and feel without fear. I think I am learning to support myself and protect myself without getting defensive and simply move away. No more turning green or purple to please others. The people who really love and care for me will value what I have to share. Shame is so destructive and crippling and I do not want to hide my true self away any longer.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      August 8, 2013

      Suzanne,

      I really liked what you shared. It helped me. I am an artist and a dancer and I have noticed that narcissists often try to cut my head off so they can feel taller. Envy has become a real red flag for me that I am with an emotionally destructive person. I see in your sharing that you were attacked for what was special and a gift. I think this is what narcissists target the most. Good for you for realizing that man was “designed to get me to give up my reality for one that suited him.” That sentence was like a piece of the puzzle falling into place for me. The Narcissist I am living with (and have just ended things with) has become incredibly cruel now that the pretense of “us” has been stopped. In a way it is a relief to be open but it has also opened me up for an all out war with his ego: it doesn’t want my version of reality to exist. Your sentence put it well. So, he is fighting desperately to keep his self-flattering version in play. Thanks to Melanie, I am letting go of all need to win or be right and I am just trying to stay safe so I can get out of here. As I read in another blog…”The best revenge is living well.” My happiness is all I need to “win.”

      • psyche@iinet.net.au'
        Suzanne
        August 8, 2013

        Hello Laura. Thank you for your post. I really appreciated reading it. I can remember how hurt I was when my ex-boyfriend attacked my physical appearance and my dancing. I am not dancing for a living but am in Intermediate 3 salsa now and headed for Advanced soon after many months at this level. I love to dance and his attack, scaringly, almost made me hide away and not go to dancing any more. I always wanted us to dance as a team. His speciality in dance is Afro-Cuban and Contemporary, not salsa. Interestingly, many people come up to me now and say how much they enjoy watching me dance. So really, I can do it and love it. I also get many compliments about my physical appearance and know myself to have been genetically blessed in that regard. I have had another conversation with yet another man who I felt gaslighted by. This person began a conversation with me and did not hear what I had to say. I found myself defending myself and feeling angry. Then I realised that his attempt at conversation was a repeat of my family of origin’s version of communicating with me. No wonder I felt so angry and frustrated. I hate being told what I feel and think and having that decided for me. I terminated the conversation and realised that I do not have to ever communicate with people who will not hear my reality or my real feelings or truth. I am the one who needs to hear and see me. I also thought that what might be happening is that these people are coming thick and fast into my life at present as a kind of test to see if I have really learned my lesson. Think it might be true. Yes, once the N is exposed, the reality of them comes out fully. They just do what they do. For you, I hope that you find your way clear to remove yourself to another home ASAP. I am enjoying the peace and quiet and safety of my home so much these days. As I reflect on all the bad memories of things my ex-boyfriend said and did that were so hurtful and which I allowed, I am aware of the amount of damage it did to me in all sorts of ways. It is very tension-provoking to live on egg-shells all the time and to constantly be on some sort of pendulum from adoration to abuse. We all deserve to live wonderful lives of joy and peace.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      It is very, very true that all narcissists seek to reduce close intimate others by attacking their very core of self. This way the narcissist ‘lowers’ people in order to feel safe, in control and superior.

      The sad thing is shameful people who project and diminish others don’t realise, one-up-manship is the very last thing which creates ‘togetherness’ or ‘love’ or security in relationships.

      This is wonderful that you are claiming living and stating your truth, and knowing that you can detach from others who wish to criticise or demean you. It is powerful for you to keep digging into that wound so that you can release all of the inner programs on it – and then this won’t be attracted into your experience, and if it does turn up it will barely be a bleep on your radar.

      Great you are working through this Suzanne and standing up to creating the change within yourself, as well as how you react in your outer experience.

      THAT is freedom!

      Fantastic!

      Mel xo

  • cocoyang71@gmail.com'
    Free
    August 7, 2013

    I could not have received this article at a better time. It’s almost like you know me personally. Yesterday my divorce from my narcisisst husband was FINALLY granted after 21 months of absolute hell. He has sucked the life out of me and turned my life and the lives of our 3 children upside down. All of your articles have been helpful to me, but there is something about this one on the topic of shame that really resonates. He has blames me for everything and always has. He is the king of projection. During the course of the last couple hellish years, I have often thought that I ended up married to this man because I must have done things wrong in the past and being married to him was what I deserved and may be punishment. Obviously I have a ton of healing to do. Reading this article may very well be my first step on the road to recovery from the narcissistic abuse I have been enduring for 17 years. I can not thank you enough. I need to heal so I can stand up to him and any more of his abuse as we try to co-parent our three children (ages 3, 9 and 11). I look forward to reading more of your articles and I am going to save my pennies so I can do your program hopefully some day very soon.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Free,

      Truly what occurs with narcissists is the same virtually word for word all over the planet. Initially we think we are the only one living the insanity – and then we discover how many thousands of people are going through the identical behaviour.

      Having said this, I am still so pleased this article was timely for you.

      This is great you are here in this community and can access a lot of information and support. Please know there is a really affordable payment plan with NARP and truly it is the most powerful and fastest direct means to heal.

      Mel xo

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    No more self denial
    August 7, 2013

    I have taken on so much shame from my former abusers- and from people not even being close being abusive as well- At a point I must have picked up and made being a shame carrier my life mission, and collecting it whenever I was going.

    After breaking up with my narc partner, I was so afraid of being the guilty of creating all our relationship issues and all my relationship issues in total in life, that I ran to a psychologist and demanded being tested for all the personality disorders on the list. I was totally in crisis, having taken the step of no contact with people and removing me from the for me, at that time, harmful environments.
    I was afraid that I should be a psychopath without knowing it, and I could not stand the thought of the possibility of having been “the bad one” thoughout a whole lifetime. I was ridden with guilt and shame and inside I was a chaos, besides utterly unstable both mentally and emotionally to a degree that it took over much of my personality so I appeared very unstable in the world.
    I needed to check myself, because I felt the need to judge my former abusers, but did not want to judge without being sure first, and I felt so bad about going no contact with loved ones that it affected them with negative emotions that I of course took responsibility for, I needed some proof that I was not being completely out of my mind doing a really big mistake.

    After a thorough diagnosis work, I believe it took 6 months; they came up with the diagnosis CPTSD. A diagnosis where I learn, that shame is one of the basic issues. It gives me a view on myself and the world always looking for the wrongs and finding what is at fault and sick and needs to be fixed. And all that seeing the wrongs, since I am the codependent, made me direct all this in an inwards direction making myself the sick person to blame for everything.
    Blame it is, inwards when being a codepentent, and outwards when taking a narcissist outlook. As people that I have tended to attract in life.

    And to right now, myself, speak really shameridden and blameful; BLAME is SICK and should be fixed, haha! 😉 Life is interesting and really funny at some points! 😀

    Love this article, it is so on the spot!

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      August 8, 2013

      Dear No More Self Denial,

      I could really relate to being a “shame magnet.” I, too, have always taken on the possibility that I was the sick one. Every article or book I read first had to go through a period of me doubting myself. I have come to realize that it has been the backward-thinking of co-dependency. My hallmark has been feeling so out of control and powerless that by continually fixing me, I could have a modicum of control. Plus, if I blamed me FIRST then it hurt less when I got blamed by others later. I beat me up to save others the trouble! I was “pre-beaten,” like “pre-washed jeans,” all broken in and broken down and soft and ready to slip into. I see now how my narcissist father trained me for my narcissist lovers. I am so glad for Melanie and her great wisdom. Glad you are healing and using smiley faces!

      • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
        No more self denial
        August 11, 2013

        lol “pre washed”, like that paralell, hehe! 😀

        Ouch, yes, it seems you and I are in the same street, my fathers actions and my mothers allowing that, made me a great match for a narcissistic partner. And it is great meeting you here in this great arena and environment for healing, thanks for reaching out and for being glad for me, sharing good words! We are healing together and that is a joy to think of! 🙂

        All the best to you Laura G! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi NMSD,

      that is SO true that intense shame and unworthiness (I agree wholeheartedly) is at the very root of C-PTSD, which SO many people have suffered from as a result of being abused.

      C-PTSD is the whole feeling “I am not okay” “LIfe is not okay or safe”…It is awful – and such a huge part of the healing journey for so many people.

      It is actually the unhealed C-PTSD within abusers also which accounts for their hair-line triggers and the unbelievable ‘payback’ maliciousness of narcissistic rage.

      It is all to do with trauma from long ago that was closed down over, rather than brought to the open to be healed’ and plays out malignantly and insidiously. The pay back of course is directed at the original abuser subconsciously – it is just that the present day person wears the intense force of it.

      Glad you love the article, and just keep bringing al that shame and pain up and out into the light NMSD – and then you CAN gloriously be in life as yourself!

      Mel xo

      • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
        No more self denial
        August 11, 2013

        Yes yes yes!

        I believe in that unhealed CPTSD could have been lying deep within my ex partner, as I have been feeling that I have been taking on from him, much of what I am dealing with now and wich is part of my diagnosis or personal problems today now, in the aftermath.
        What I see for me, is him behaving like he did; acting the way he did towards me and me that way -because I stayed instead of leaving him- became more and more like a mirror image of himself in the way I acted towards him, is his way of unconsciously trying to become able to see himself as he really is; it is a way for him seeking his own truth and healing. I guess, just as I probably did the same towards him, based in my own unhealed issues, or should I say buried, unconscious, repressed, forgotten trauma. It makes sense to me now. We were like a hand in a glow; perfect for eachother, just as we were feeling both of us. I even see now that we have very similar fathers and mothers, concering their personal behaviour patterns and dynamics. 🙂
        And thank God, both me and my ex partner seem to have come out of this better than we came into it; so it is just to be grateful for a healing relationship, and wish the very best for everyone in the future.

        Then it is just for me to get rid of the CPTSD, and then everything will be allright. 😉
        To me the combination convential therapy and Quanta Freedom Healing and the healing community you Melanie have created space for and lead; is gold and diamonds worth.

        Thank you Melanie for your good words- yes I will keep on bringing everything to the light! 🙂 Because I want to feel whole and real, and therefore everything of me have to be visible to me, so I just keep digging in the dark dragging out stuff and dealing with it! 🙂

        All the best to you! 🙂

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    August 7, 2013

    Hello Mel. It’s been a while. Been working through my mother’s death, and some deep shame about legacy, inheritance, and resistance. I was and am grateful for your loving words on my last post right after my mother died. They meant a great deal to me and touched me deeply.
    Your post was timely.This morning I was thinking about how hard I am on myself because I don’t accept my shortcomings. And they are plentiful. Shame is for me about punishment for who I am. And it is addictive. I ask myself who would I be without the self condemnation? Thankfully I am beginning to embrace the warts without the shame…stop hiding and or compensating for the warts by pretending they are not there, and integrating all of it, because I can in the presence of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. I feel like I have been on a boat that has tossed to the left and right, and now is beginning to settle in the middle somewhere. Where my shame still flares is when I see my patterns playing out in my kids. I want to fix it in them…it hurts to see what I have given them, and fills me with dread. And, I also see the good. My daughters and I have strong and deep bonds, and we talk through things…I know that is a wonderful gift. I have not yet entirely figured out how to be supportive and encouraging without fixing and rescuing, and I see the more I release in myself the more healthy my relationship with them becomes. Well, thank you once again, for your love and good intentions, and making this a healing place to grow and explore. Many blessings to you and everyone.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      August 8, 2013

      Ruth,

      I agree about being addicted to shame. One of the most useful things I have learned from Melanie is about “peptide addiction.” To my surprise, I am now able to notice when I “go for” a certain state of mind that is self-shaming or negative (I often like the addictive feel of being the victim, I have noticed) and I now use Melanie’s mantra, “I embrace and welcome this feeling,” stop telling myself the sob story (I love how that feels!), and am learning to replace all of that with being present and peaceful and “ok.” This has become my new mantra: “It is ok just to be ok.” That gets the perfecitonist off my back.

      I also really liked how you said you haven’t entirely figured out how to be supportive without fixing. Boy is that ever hard.

      So glad for this forum. So glad to have such open-hearted sharing and such a wise woman to guide us all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      lovely to hear from you again, and I hope you are doing okay – what you have been going through is very big…

      You are very welcome re my previous comments, and I am so glad that they brought you some comfort.

      That is wonderful that you are integrating those parts within yourself, that is the essential journey for every one of us to become whole beings.

      Please know that your children chose their journey with you – all of it is perfect and divine order, and by working through your unconditional acceptance of yourself, they will follow.
      Isn’t that gorgeous stat you have such a deep bond with your daughter, and the more you heal the more that will become. I adore the connection I have with my son – it truly is glorious to connect that deeply.

      Truly, let go of fixing and rescuing and just keep unfolding as your True Self – and that will benefit everyone in your space.

      Rule of thumb – only assist others who seek your help – if they are willing to take responsibility – and if they don’t you will only create them as dependent and not empowered (or resistant). Otherwise simply lead by example but with no attachment to them ‘getting it’. And lastly salute the divinity in them knowing deep within yourself that they do have the inner wisdom to find their way – and then that is exactly what will unfold.

      Keep evolving Ruth, you are doing wonderfully.

      Love and hugs.

      Mel xo

      • sue@respondbluenurses.com.au'
        sue
        March 10, 2016

        Hi mel
        this post really hit home for me today. Thank you too to ruth as I realize now I am having huge issues re helping without fixing for my son. It has been hugely hard to hold firm boundaries re not allowing him to live with me at this time. Your words about letting go and fixing Were spot on.
        also it helped my realize that I hold shame and blame if everyone around me is not 100% happy without thought to how it effects my self.
        what module is the best I am only up to 2 atm?
        Sue

  • Lauriekap@yahoo.com'
    Laurie
    August 8, 2013

    Mel –
    This couldn’t have come at a better time! (The Law of Attraction at work) 🙂 I was doing great (or thought I was) and then when I ended a recent relationship all the old feelings of being unworthy came swarming back. I didn’t completely understand why, since I have been doing so well, and thought I had accepted myself “flaws and all”. Looks like I have a bit more work to do with NARP. Thank you for this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Laurie,

      yes got to love Law of Attraction!

      It’s like gravity – unavoidable!

      Yes back to Modules and find and release those inner bits!

      Then you can and will only become more solid and whole, and the next relationship will be so much more ‘right’ for you.

      Mel xo

  • bsf@rochester.rr.com'
    Bonnie
    August 8, 2013

    Thank you for this insightful article. I paused as I read it to consider my own life and my journey with my narcissistic spouse — Wow the ah ha! moments kept coming. I am printing this article so I can read it daily-weekly until I am healed and have learned to love myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Bonnie,

      you are very welcome.

      That is great you are getting ah-ha moments – they are powerful!

      Fabbo you are committing to come home to yourself!

      Mel xo

  • grollalion@yahoo.com'
    Laura G
    August 8, 2013

    Mel-

    I am really starting to get what you mean about using the narcissist’s lesson as a way to heal the original misbeliefs. And shame is sure one of them. Truly, you are one of the most articulate and wise people I have ever read. You are able to talk about very difficult concepts and make them usable and easy to digest.

    My journey away from my narcissist live-in boyfriend has gotten to the scary part of saying it is over. This has released a lot of energy as I am no longer living a lie of playing the part his narcissism requires. I am still keeping my head down because he scares me but, in accordance with the Law of Attraction, I am keeping my emotional set-point as high and happy as possible.

    I don’t know why, but understanding narcissism has truly freed me. And understanding that my ego is narcissistic in nature is freeing me, too. It was 10 months ago that I first discovered the term narcissism and my journey has been very hard but is getting freer and freer everyday: thought by thought.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Laura,

      Very true, when we understand the ‘matches’ it is a huge eye-opener, and certainly relieves victim mentality.

      This is so wonderful that you are removing yourself from the insanity and being an object of narcissistic supply.

      It is true when we bring the responsibility back to ourself and put the awareness in our body which is where our power centre is (it is not outside of ourself with the narcissisti) then we do heal.

      Narcissists take our power by positioning us in the illusion that they are the centre of our universe. They absolutely are not – unless we continue to allow it.

      Keep up the great work Laura 🙂

      Mel xo

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    August 8, 2013

    This is awesome!! Thank you Melanie. Again.

  • Bessy150@comcast.net'
    Sophia
    August 8, 2013

    This is the first time – in all my studies of Narcissism – I have read what my greatest fear as recovering victim of narcissistic abuse has been…that I am the Narcissist. and now I realize it is simply another of the symptoms. Just taking a moment from continuing with the learning to let you how grateful I am that a voice has been put to erase my fear. I truly began to wonder if I, too, was a N.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 8, 2013

    Hi Anon,

    That is great that the truth is setting you free, and you are able to see it very clearly.

    Bless you too Anon.

    Mel xo

  • rosalieerickson2@gmail.com'
    Rosalie
    August 8, 2013

    This topic really hits home. For me, shame and regret are very closely related. These feelings are very disturbing when I allow myself to consider my narcissistic experience from an outsiders point of view. On a personal level I know that this was the path I was meant to travel, either because of my childhood or past life experiences. Sometimes something as simple as a telivision or newspaper adve

  • rosalieerickson2@gmail.com'
    Rosalie
    August 8, 2013

    This topic really hits home. For me, shame and regret are very closely related. These feelings are very disturbing when I allow myself to consider my narcissistic experience from an outsiders point of view. On a personal level I know that this was the path I was meant to travel, either because of my childhood or past life experiences. Sometimes something as simple as a television show or newspaper advertisement will cause me to feel ashamed that I have permitted this to happen. It is very difficult for others to understand why I allowed myself to be subjected to such abuse, and how I could have lost so much. At times it is hard, but these moments are becoming fewer and farther between. The Narp and this group have given tremendous relief. Thank you for your support

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Very true Rosalie,

      shame and regret is all about feeling dysfunctional.

      We were all meant to go through this experience, in order to evolve and heal – you are so right – there are no mistakes.

      The only question is “How bad does it need to get before I choose to evolve?”

      That is great that you are working NARP and that you feel the support of this group.

      You are very welcome Rosalie, and just keep shifting the emotion up and out of your body with the QFH shifts.

      This is very important to remember – your body (emotions) are always controlling how your brain thinks. Don’t try to work it out through your mind – just keep shifting the painful emotion up and out of your body and your brain will naturally follow.

      Mel xo

  • diannew@spin.net.au'
    Carmen
    August 8, 2013

    I think it was John Bradshaw who did the first work on shame and wrote several books,
    on of which was “Healing the Shame that Binds you”.
    He made the distinction between “Toxic Shame”
    and “Healthy Shame”, healthy shame telling us when we might be harming another or ourselves and to change our behaviour. Toxic shame I suppose is the insidious, damaging shame that narcissists use and co-dependants feel about themselves.

    After reading his work 20 or so years ago and recognising my own unhealthy shame, I have still struggled to release it – it seems to be that deep-seated. I think, however I have reduced considerably but have quite a ways to go.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2013

      Hi Carmen,

      Absolutely toxic shame is the dis-ease of abusers and the abused.

      You have said the operative word ‘release’. That is a body function – shame is in the cellular subconscious – which is your body.

      The body is to do with emotions; the mind is to do with thoughts.

      The shame is a trapped emotion – and once you release it out at a body level your mind will reflect that change, and no longer ‘think’ thoughts of shame.

      That is the ‘release’ you need – and it can be instant when you use subconscious energetic tools to release.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        August 12, 2013

        “The body is to do with emotions; the mind is to do with thoughts.”

        Yes! And there’s another aspect of our being, as well, another part of consciousness that dwells outside of space and time. It can’t communicate to us in words, but it does guide us. Through emotion.

        Early last year, I had a premonition while driving on a country road, and it saved my life. I didn’t know it was a premonition at the time.
        I felt the emotion, a huge stab of fear in my body and the desire to pull over, and I thought the thoughts – thoughts that I’d had before, but this time really pronounced and urgent – thoughts like “you want to be careful on the road, Lucy, bad things *do* happen …” and “you want to *stay* alert when you’re driving, Lucy” … They caused me to drop my speed by about 30kph, juuust enough to avoid a head-on collision on a hill.

        I’m familiar with thoughts and feelings, but this was all activated from somewhere else – the fore-knowledge “came down” to me …

        It set me thinking about the self – which reminded me of the narcissist many years ago – which in turn led me to this website. I lost that connection to self for a while, when I was with him.

        There’s the mind (thought) and the body (feeling) – but there’s something else, behind and above it all. How wonderful to know that if one only honours one’s self and, especially, listens to one’s self – that the self will protect us.

        The body is emotion, the mind is thought – but the self, above and beyond, will guide both, if we will only listen. Yeah, that really gels – for me!

        • Melanie
          August 13, 2013

          Hi Lucy,

          Most definitely there is another force – ‘the field of life’ which we are all actually intrinsically connected to.

          Our mind – which is incredibly limited – can’t fathom it.

          This connection can only be experienced as a ‘knowing’ as a ‘connection’ when enough of ourself (our egoic mind) is out of the way.

          That is very accurate how you described it as a ‘feeling first’ – because that is how all infinite intelligence speaks to us.

          Before the ego is out of the way – we may not know the different between an unhealed subconscious painful part surfacing – or it being a definite intuitive message, as it was in your case.

          Because you accepted the feeling your mind was able to open up to ‘information’ about the feeling.

          This is exactly what the deep inner healing process are – the full acceptance of the feelings – without rejecting / disowning them – and then the beautiful real information about ‘what that feeling really is’ emerges in our mind. The body – mind connection is integrated.

          This is how we connect to the true language of our soul – by FULLY accepting our feelings.

          Whenever feelings are disowned, our mind (the ego) create ‘stories’ and excuses to avoid the feeling.

          Thank you for your post!

          Mel xo

          • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
            Lucy
            August 15, 2013

            Thanks for your clarity.
            I had a ‘knowing’ while sitting with my father before he died. The feeling was love. The thought that followed was that life counts (as in so precious, meaningful, so worth striving to live well). But it wasn’t mere thought and feeling – it was a truth that flowed through me from a source unknown.
            It’s wonderful to connect to the unknown in that way (and to realise that, probably, we all are known and loved beyond anything we imagine.)

            It SO makes sense the way you describe it.

            What do your packages offer someone like me? I’m happy, I live in the light, I want to look upward, not back. But it would be kind of nice to feel closer to the ‘field of life’ in daily life, not just in moments of danger and death!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            August 19, 2013

            Hi Lucy,

            you are welcome for the clarity.

            You have described that ‘knowing’ from Source perfectly.

            The QF Empowered Self Course is about creating that powerful connection to yourself / the grid of life – because it is about identifying and clearing the resistance you may have in the way of that connection.

            Mel xo

  • sjblaughs@aol.com'
    Sara
    August 8, 2013

    Melanie, once again, thank you! I am now eight months free of my narcissist husband, and every day it seems that I am becoming more centered. I can trace my co-dependency back to a childhood with step-mothers, family mental illness, threats of being put in an orphanage or sent to live with a grandmother, a father unprepared for single parenting, and a cruel and angry older sister. I learned to be really, really good!!

    Now, with much help from therapy and meditation and gentle bio-energetics and your website, I can just be me. It is a freedom unlike any I have ever known. I am an uncaged bird, free to be me for the first time in decades.

    As my husband courts his new victim, I feel fortunate to have escaped, and I feel compassion for both of them because I know what road they are going to travel. My own road is not always easy, but it is full of loving kindness and the reality of imperfection.

    Smiling and grateful,
    Sara

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2013

      Hi Sara,

      you are very welcome.

      This is so wonderful that you are doing so well -and you have applied yourself and claiming your freedom within…It is SUCH a beautiful state to live when we do!

      Keep up the fantastic work!

      Mel xo

  • haideegasca@yahoo.ca'
    Haidee
    August 9, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I would like to book an appointment with you for NARP, specifically to realease shame.. I have tons of it.. and was not able to release it..please let me know,
    thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2013

      Hi Haidee,

      are you on NARP?

      A personal session with me is an 8 week waiting period – and to dissolve shame and be released from it, it will take a lot more than just one session…We’d be looking at 5 minimum.

      Being freed from shame is big deep work.

      If you have NARP it is much more effective for me by email to point you at what you need to uncover, embrace and release…and also once you start doing that you will find your way – and then of course if you get ‘stuck’ I can unravel the next step with you by email.

      Then you have the ability to work healings every day if you want to keep releasing the layers of shame. The most effective MP3 is the goal setting one for that.

      Let me know if you are on NARP – and if so contact me with ‘where you are stuck’ and we can go from there.

      Mel xo

  • joanacalhau@hotmail.com'
    Jo
    August 12, 2013

    Hi Melanie, hi all,
    Shame is also a big issue for me. To give an example, I feel quite ashamed that hardly anybody ever likes or comments my Facebook posts. Sometimes I feel a social failure and that everyone can see that. It’s hard to disconnect for those external benchmarks and reconnect with myself again. I find listening to your radio shows helps me do that, and so does meditating. Should one leave Facebook completely or try to manage it as weel as possible, without becoming to obsessed?
    I also feel shame for being 38 years old and unmarried with no children. My last boyfriend is a narc and he was a father just 3 days ago. I had tried to have his child for over a year but did not get pregnant – now I see it as a blessing.
    Since we broke up over two years ago I have kissed three guys, but didn’t build a relationship with any of them because I didn’t feel we were meant to be.
    This last guy I kissed is 24 years old, but I feel the chemistry between us and the rush and uncertainty I feel around him is a bad sign – I am still waiting for a nice man to turn up and build with him a constructive and harmonious relationship – just hope it happens!
    I recently purchased your Quantum Freedom Healing programme and hope to get a grip on things again. It’s funny that as soon as we start to feel whole again and happy and free, the narcs or players or weirdos turn up on our doorstep! I still have to practice my no’s. I tend to feel sorry for whoever asks for my attention, so many times I am back at square one. It’s as if when I have nothing to give no one’s around, but as soon as I self provide people start asking for my attention again. Funny thing…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2013

      Hi Jo,

      this is wonderful that you have been so honest about these feelings of shame – because by doing so you are already bringing them to the light and releasing yourself from the hold they have on you.

      That is great that you are working on yourself. You simply need to keep digging into those feelings and releasing them – and really realise the ‘core root’ of them. When we are feeling this type of pain as to ‘how others receive us’ it always means that we don’t accept ourselves fully – that we are still needing other people’s attention to feel okay about ourself. This came from when you were very young – it did for all of us.
      And of course needing validation ‘from the outside’ is incredibly precarious, a bottomless pit and self-defeating.

      You are on the right track, you just need to keep going to that original wound – feel into what the pain of it is really about (your emotions will take you to that place), and then you will be able to keep releasing it.

      Then you can be free to claim your own true self-acceptance.

      Mel xo

  • sanrya2003@yahoo.com'
    Kathy Kane
    August 12, 2013

    Thank you for this article. I to have relize that my co- dependencies though out my life started at the age of 5…cleaning up wrapping paper off the floor to a classmates birthday party. I needed to do it feeling that they would invite me back. So today at the age of 56 , I’ve realized that I’d spent a great deal of my life trying to make things right for others rather myself. I am happy to say that you have opened many “New Doors” for me and everone in our safe community. Great love to you Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2013

      Hi Kathy,

      You are very welcome.

      This is wonderful that you have reached this level of awareness. That is so true that trying to twist ourselves into a pretzel to try to make other people approve of us is going about life from the outside in.

      …and creates incredible powerlessness, and lose / lose for everyone involved…

      That is wonderful you are coming home to your true power centre – which is always within yourself.

      Mel xo

  • bonamy@outlook.com'
    Anonymous
    August 12, 2013

    I am just now starting to break free of my Narc. I’m having trouble doing “no contact”, though. I’ve accepted that there is no reasoning with him or maintaining a normal relationship, that he’ll always just hurt me, but a part of me is hoping he’ll at least some day apologize for all the pain he’s caused… I gave him everything – my love, my body, my time, my dignity – and he ended up driving me crazy.

    He called me a “bitch”, he demanded sexual favours that I found abhorrent but caved into doing because he manipulated me into believing that HIS WIFE neglects him. I was his string puppet for 9 months because I’m an empath who loved him deeply, choosing to turn a blind eye to his blatant abuse, chalking it up to him feeling lonely and misunderstood. He feigned empathy when I opened up to him about my innermost insecurities, making me believe he cared when only he was looking for vulnerabilities to rope me in with.

    He’s very attractive, runs a top business, and comes across as a very nice, kind, helpful person. His reputation is apparently flawless. But he put me through hell, and has never, not once, express any true interest, love, or understanding.

    I don’t want to erase his contact info off my cellphone just yet, because I pity what I know is essentially an empty vessel, a poor lost soul with nothing on the inside. But I know he’ll never truly love me or even care about me, so I feel no desire to contact him first right now.

    I’m having trouble letting go of the false persona he presented, the feelings that that person ignited in me, how incredible he made me out to be, the special bond he claimed we had. I keep thinking maybe it’s all my fault and he’s actually a good guy and I’m just deluded, that he’s the perfect gentleman to other women because they’re normal and I’m not.

    At least I haven’t messaged him in almost three days by now.

    • Melanie
      August 13, 2013

      Hi Anonymous,

      You have described your internal battle perfectly. You mind realises that there is never any resolution, and only more abuse with him – yet ‘some part of you’ is living in hope that he can be the partner you want him to be.

      That ‘part of you’ (despite the horrendous abuse) is your unhealed inner subconscious parts which are still hooked on the possibility of him healing these parts for you.

      Then what happen is these parts are screaming in pain. Unless you go to these parts and release and heal them, your mind is in overdrive trying to ‘manage’ the pain of these parts.

      Hence the obsession, going back over and over details etc trying to search from an ‘answer’ and a ‘loophole’. There are no answers or resolution outside of you – they are only going to be achieved inside of you.

      The mind is fully energised trying to find releif – but never can – because the mind is not capable of achieving that task.

      This is how relief, healing and evolution works – when we shift the pain out of our bodies, then our brain wiring automatically lets go of old neuron pathways and immediately forms new ones. We then have the ‘openness’ to break out of old fearful survival programs and we literally become a healthier New Person.

      The brain can’t lead the body (emotions).

      The body has to lead the brain.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lusaight5@gmail.com'
    Lucita
    August 13, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Just a topic suggestion:
    Manipulation

    • Melanie
      August 13, 2013

      Hi Lucita,

      great idea – I can definitely go with that one!

      Thank you for your suggestion!

      Mel xo

  • jackie_wamboldt@manulife.com'
    Jackie
    August 13, 2013

    Melanie – I recognize my relationship to my ex spouse to be myself as co-dependent to a narcassist. I carry so much shame from things I’d never judge another person for. I don’t know how to release the shame and just accept who I am.

    Even now, I try no contact with my ex but we have children together so sometimes I’ve had to reach out. He’s now behaving the same way to our son and he immediately brings me back to my shame – this is all my fault; I ruined the family; I’m ruining our son. I still get pulled into these comments and it takes me days to recover. How do I let go my feelings of shame and learn to really see the truth?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2013

      Hi Jackie,

      You have said the operative word ‘release’. It is incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to decide to ‘think’ and ‘feel’ a different way when we are carrying toxicity (painful inner programs) in our body.

      Your inner programs are in your subconscious – which is a cellular network throughout your whole body. You need methods that will actually allow you to release at that level – and then the space opens up to think and feel in ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’ ways.

      Jackie the most powerful way I know of addressing this is the NARP Program – that is what it is specifically designed to do – hence why it produces such powerful healing results.

      Mel xo

  • melsteyn@hotmail.com'
    Melanie
    August 14, 2013

    Hello Melanie, I am really keen to try your healing program but I tried to purchase it with several cards and Pay pal – I kept getting an error message. I’m ready, I need it. I want to start it. Heeeelp!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2013

      Hi Melanie, I have emailed you…

      We will get you sorted out as soon as we can!

      Mel xo

  • ernutis@yahoo.com'
    Erna
    March 16, 2014

    Thank you Melanie for the article. But this is more introduction or resume about shame, and process of who and what to do is another thing and the most important one. I am trying to accept my feelings from toxic shame. Its very hard, cause it feels humiliating. So if I feel like a ‘looser’, I must accept that feeling ? Accept that I am feeling like this ?? I believe then inner critic as cognitive voice of shame can come at full force eating me inside. Its confusing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 16, 2014

      Hi Erna,

      Whatever you resist persists, and continues to play out, so it can’t be avoided.

      Judgement and fear of it gives it the fuel to beat you up.

      Take it to an energy healer – tapping, kinesiology, or myself QFH who can have you feel it, claim it and then release it (uplevel it / transform it) out of your body and if they are an effective healer, after one or only a few sessions that shame will no longer be in your body, be able to be accessed or be running your life.

      That’s the utter and complete truth….and the true way to be free of it…

      Mel xo

  • pjf@iprimus.com.au'
    pete
    May 16, 2014

    Thank you for the insightful article. Do you have any strategies for dissipating/reversing toxic shame in the workplace generated by a narcissist as a tool of abuse? The pool of toxicity resides in the ignorant masses whom the narcissist has convinced are tarnished by the presence of the target. The target then cops the brunt of the shame felt by the masses. Its become so toxic it has assumed a life of its own, and yet no-one has the power to stop it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 18, 2014

      Hi Pete,

      you are very welcome..

      It truly is ‘one person at a time’ job…This is where education would need to be ‘across the board’ – the ultimate defence is ONLY ever self-reflection.

      “What wounded part in me, is allowing me to be triggered, hooked, violated and unable to lay boundaries and completely detach from the poison? What young unhealed unconscious part of me is being brought up to the surface to heal?”

      Narcissists will ooze into gaps – if there are any.

      The only way to eliminate narcissism is to eliminate gaps..

      Which means to deeply self-reflect, identify your wounds and up-level and evolve them..

      This is why ‘strategy education’ is next to useless…ALWAYS!

      What is REALLY required is ‘raising consciousness training’…

      I hope this explains..

      Mel xo

  • willjpark@yahoo.ca'
    William
    December 6, 2014

    Hello Mel, I would first off like to say thank you so very much for this article. I am person who has spent the last year suffering from a breakup that brought forward a ton of pain, that I did not see coming. After which I began searching six or so months back for help. Besides some useless consulling I have searched the web nightly for information about narc abuse.
    I began the over whelming realisation of healing from such abuse. It has been nothing less than mind boggling and very deeply painful. I have wept on the floor in the corner, in my truck, in my garage, during showers from the guilt and shame from this relationship, that I valued so much.
    There has been many moments where I felt suicide was the ” only” way that this lump of agony would ever dissipate, ” sad I know” but, its the truth. I spent six years giving “all” that I had to a beautiful woman and her messed up family, loving them with all that I had, along with my son and “nothing” was ever good enough. We went far over and beyond giving. I’m the kinda fella that brings home flowers because its ‘Tuesday!’;) and I’m so greatful for stumbling upon your article.
    I have read many that have been helpful and have reinstated ‘ my hope’ but, this one was an absolute home run for me! “Shame” what a nasty emotion this is, it has taken a positive loving man with a good solid sense of direction and motivation and crippled this 240lb male, to his knees!
    I read this article over and over and wish I could show the world this literature but, unfortunately I have found that this healing stage is pretty quiet. Its as though one must rebuild alone because most people really don’t want to hear it and besides it can be a bit obsessive thinking about the past. I’m aware that what’s important is the present.
    I truly hope for a better future and wish to find a beautiful lady with the type of mindset that you possess. What you are doing for others is awesome and i am so truly greatful for finding you, your article and your website! 🙂
    Thank you, so very much!
    Forever Greatful, William Parker

    • ltdmtl@msn.com'
      Mark
      December 7, 2014

      Hi William,

      It was inspiring to read your posting. Your story was an exact blueprint of mine. N abuse is a nasty makes us feel empty, violated and alone in every regard. Suicide is definitely not the answer. Recovery takes time and effort but once you begin to heal within you will attract the right people instead of the wrong ones. This is the beginning of a beautiful life awaiting you. You’re not alone William. Take comfort in this and that you’re taking the right steps for a love story that begins with you!

      All the Best,
      Mark

  • Silvi.Schulz@gmail.com'
    Silvia
    November 16, 2016

    Dear Melanie,

    I hope I can still post on this older article. I was reading through lots of your blog posts and listening to your videos those last weeks.
    I appreciate your work so much and want to try NARP for me. I fully agree that the Narc in our lives is only our teacher who mirrors all our secrete needs and unhealed wounds.
    Of course you put in way better in words, than I ever could. Sorry for any mistakes, I am no native english speaker.

    My question is: can NARP help me heal from my self hatred as well? My self hatred has nothing to do with my narc, I have hated myself all my life.
    And now with aging this hatred grows to an even bigger extent. Who am I as a woman if I don’t look good enough anymore? Is there any chance of finding aliveness and a meaning in life for an older woman?

    Tomorrow is my 45th birthday and I cannot stop crying. I feel like I am dying and my life is just over.

  • Kristinahund@gmail.com'
    Kristina
    March 2, 2018

    Wow I was lead to this article from a member in the group. This is Is so true!! I am so glad the PIECES ARE COMING TOGETHER!! I am finally coming out of HELL!! Words can’t describe the relief and understanding I have now!! Thank you Melanie 💕💕

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Kristina,

      Awww I am so happy you are getting out an to the other side.

      You are so welcome and many blessings to you.

      Mel xo

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