Melanie Tonia Evans

Conquering Self-Sabotage – How To Achieve Anything You Want Out Of Life

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 34
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Self-sabotage is like a runaway train. It’s those strong urges that make us create excuses and justifications.

We are our own worst enemies at times.

WHY do we self-sabotage when we know these choices are NOT what we want in our life?

Find out the answer in this Thriver’s Life episode and stop going through the utter frustration of giving in to self-sabotage urges, that you know HURT you, and be free from them FOREVER…



Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

Can I just be really straight with you? This is Thriver’s Life after all – we cut to the chase here!

We are our own worst enemies.

When you understand Quantum Law – and that you are the generator of your own experience – you know that the only thing between you and your goals is yourself.

This is not damning or blaming ourselves…

It’s exciting because it puts the power back where we can do something about it.

Today, I am going to talk to you about our number one biggest issue – self-sabotage. And I am so excited to talk to you about HOW to OVERCOME it as well.

But before I do, I’d just like to thank you for subscribing to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up.

Okay, let’s get this Thriver Life episode rolling.


Knowing Self-Sabotage Inside Out

I feel totally qualified to talk to you about this today – because I used to be the self-sabotage Queen!

I was highly addictive.

Definition being – not able to withstand emotional distress and grabbing self-medication outside of myself to try to numb the inner emotional pain.

That, in a NUTSHELL, is what self-sabotage is.

It is about making a choice to avoid our feelings that doesn’t help our feelings, but only adds more trauma to them.

Self-sabotage is a HUGE issue within this community, because most of us have suffered from lack of inner wholeness and solidness; have had difficulty to self soothe and heal our emotions (be released from inner trauma); and have therefore been highly susceptible to being traumatised and hooked onto people and things that are not healthy for us.

This is what I used to do when emotional pain hit – I would try to get comfort either from the very people who were hurting me or the other narcissist in my life – ‘cigarettes’.

Included in my ways to self-avoid were also junk food and alcohol.

Then there was workaholism.

On the surface, it would seem that this ‘go-to’ was healthy. But nothing is healthy when it’s out of balance, and certainly when it’s being used as a way to self-avoid feelings and to self-abandon inner trauma – rather than heal it to completion.

To be in balance and healthy needs these components:

  • Emotional Wellbeing
  • Spiritual Wellbeing
  • Physical Wellbeing
  • Financial Wellbeing
  • Mission and Purpose Wellbeing
  • Restorative Wellbeing
  • Connective Wellbeing with self, life and others.

All of us have areas of ourselves to work on – that is the glory and grace of evolution!

All of us have areas that we self-sabotage in.

I suggest that you write these down, journal on them and be honest with yourself. Be really honest. Which of these areas in your life do you self-sabotage?


Claiming Your Power to Change Self-Sabotage

Again, I’m going to be really straight with you.

You are not going to give up self-sabotage tendencies if you refuse to give up blame and shame (of others or yourself). Or if you wait for someone else to rescue you, atone or be brought to justice. Or if you refuse to take the responsibility to do the necessary inner work to heal and change yourself.

Also, regardless of your age or circumstances, if you stay dependent on others for your Wellbeing, and hold them responsible for it, you won’t get better.

Yes, absolutely others can help and assist, and will, but only if you are willing to heal and help yourself first.

I can’t express to you enough – the wonder of how ALL of life will start nourishing and flourishing you in the most incredible ways when you make overcoming your traumas and healing yourself your highest mission.

As your own powerful Quantum Creator, who is creating ‘more of’ your inner beliefs and alignments in your outer world every moment of every day, it’s advantageous to take radical and personal responsibility to know this: When life works, it is reflecting where you are at with that topic. When life doesn’t work, it’s reflecting where you are at with that topic.

Things are definitely not working optimally in our life when we are self-sabotaging.

So, let’s now dissect self-sabotage.


The Characteristics of Self-Sabotage

Darling Thriver, I know you know when you are self-sabotaging.

You know you didn’t want to sleep in when you made a commitment to move your body with exercise.

You know that putting something off or having the discussion that you know you need to do, is causing more pain for you now.

You know that when you are doing an addictive thing it is undermining your health, Being and the values that you have for yourself.

You know when you are indulging in trash talk, how terrible it feels for you – instead of staying aligned with Who You Really are on a topic.

You know you didn’t want to break No Contact.

I virtually always knew when I was doing self-sabotage … and I know you do too.

Why do we do it?

Because we are giving in to trying to soothe the trauma with a quick-fix – which we know won’t durably work – rather than face and heal the trauma.

Self-sabotage is like a runaway train. The strong urges make us create excuses and justifications; often insane reasons that we know are lame. When we are explaining why we are going to make a bad choice to someone, it is usually ourselves we are trying to convince the most.

Then if that fails, we can come up with an old personal favourite of mine – ‘That’s okay, I’ll get back to where I need to be tomorrow’. I applied this to continuing to see the narcissist, smoking a cigarette and having a blow out with alcohol.

You may do this too!

Of course, tomorrow never comes!


How to Powerfully Overcome Self-Sabotage

A previous client of mine gambled – heavily. Disastrously.

In every area of her life, she was doing well – yes this was her self-sabotage, self-medication and self-destruct, whenever she experienced internal emotional trauma.

In her earlier years, marijuana was her go-to. But she got clear and healed this completely with Quanta Freedom Healing.

This lady was a NARPer (member of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program), and I gave her the explicit instruction that when the addiction hit hard, that urge to go gamble, that her adult self needed to take charge, in the EXACT moment, and march herself off to a NARP healing.

There she could meet the inner urges and trauma, whilst they were fully energised in her body, release them, go free from them and reprogram them ON the SPOT – instead of giving in to them.

She had already achieved that with marijuana. Her massive shift out of all urges and addiction to being stoned happened, after a month of bingeing, in a healing with me in the EXACT moment of the terrible urges and breakdown.

After just one hour of healing, she has never had any tendency to smoke again, despite decades of pot addiction.

How is this possible?

I can assure you it is. And the reason is because all of her unconscious traumas, that had been driving the addiction, were fully active in her body. That’s what urges are – traumatised screams inducing the feeling of needing the choice of addiction to numb them out.

The addiction is not the issue. It’s the unhealed inner traumas driving the need to self-medicate.

Yet she hadn’t done this in a NARP healing right at the MOMENT of the urge with gambling. And I knew 100% that if she did – she would heal that addiction, too.


The Steps to Heal the Traumas Driving Your Self-Sabotage

How do we come out of the fog and into the driver’s seat to stop giving in to our self-sabotages?

Step #1 – Be honest with yourself.

Call it out – instead of being led down the garden path by the excuses.

I’ll give you a simple example…

Let’s say there is a block of chocolate in the house and you feel the urge to eat it – and you know if you start you will eat the whole block.

If you are a NARPer you have two choices:

Give in and loathe yourself afterwards – which just sets up the peptide addiction to do it AGAIN (your body will chase the powerful surge of self-loathing peptides in the future)…

OR … admit to yourself that you are self-sabotaging your health goals and do…

Step #2 – Take yourself firmly by the hand to a NARP Module and meet the trauma in your body and shift it out.

You will find origins of all sorts of things that hurt you; that are causing you to self-medicate excessively with sugar.

After doing a NARP Module, you will find you have NO urge to go for the chocolate. You will feel whole and satisfied on the inside and will have decreased urges for excessive chocolate in the future.

Okay, maybe you will need to meet this trauma in your body several times before all urges of this traumatic self-medication choice are gone … but I promise you, if you do, it will go.

And you will emerge stronger, more healed and more whole, growing in personal integrity, integration and evolution, knowing that you can look after yourself to create all of that and more.

NARP Module work is the ultimate self-soothing. It not only calms your emotions, it completely transforms and reprograms them!

Now let’s just get clear about this final thing … Step 3

Step #3 – Understand that dealing with your trauma is the last thing you will want to do, and the relief and the joy of doing so will only be after you have done the Module work.

However, the more you train yourself to do this, as a way of life, the easier it gets to do.

Truly! Every, and I mean EVERY, area of your life can and will heal when you meet self-sabotage at its core by targeting…

‘The traumas in my body that are causing me to not do this (the thing that will serve you )…or to do that (the thing that doesn’t serve you).

It is no exaggeration to say that stopping self-sabotage may be a life and death choice, when it comes to narcissistic abuse. With this understanding, you will eliminate breaking No Contact, reacting and feeding them supply, or being terrified about standing up and creating boundaries.

I hope now that you realise just what a powerful tool and application that you have learnt today is – for EVERY area of your life that you wish to break free in.

I adore this healing journey. I am a completely different being from my previous self – in the positive – and I know you will be, too.

To learn more about trauma, how it is controlling your life and how to live completely free from it to create the Life and Self of your dreams, please click this link if you are not yet working with NARP.

And if you are a NARP member, you may want to consider checking out my Empowered Self Course, which takes your graduation and evolution to even more accelerated levels.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

Okay, so after narcissistic abuse recovery, let’s evolve as far as we can, with grace and grist.


Because we CAN!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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21 Thoughts on Conquering Self-Sabotage – How To Achieve Anything You Want Out Of Life
    October 14, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    I feel an urge to share the following.

    The biggest self sabotage I have identified running in the background of my mind was the condemnation, accusation, and JUDGEMENT of other people that i held in an ongoing background program.

    It was a viewing of others as if we all needed help to become better people. It was running the story of the accuser rather than the defense attorney.

    When a serious illness in my family drove to seek a higher perspective of humanity, I had to begin to truly love from the perspective of eternity where there was only perfection and nothing to heal or forgive.

    Every lesser love is self sabotage. Because everything less is not enough of me ( my true SELF) present. Truth is present at SOURCE.

    The less personal me, with the story of human woes, and the more UNIVERSAL LOVE I am rather a portal of, is paradoxically the way to SELF realisation and out of self sabotage.

    All of which of course leads me back to gratitude for all the opportunities to resort to ETERNAL LOVE for help being my TRUE SELF and seeing everyone else’s TRUE SELF.

    In sum, I self sabotage least when I love others the most, the deepest, and the most forgivingly.

    I set me free that way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2019

      Oh yes Iris,

      I put my hand up for that and totally agree.

      Again so beautiful and true Iris.

      Thank you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Stefan Risch
    October 14, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    when it comes to addictive behaviors, you should probably look at Dr. Stanton Peele’s work. He questions the standard disease model of addictions and offers a different approach. In my opinion this guy got it 100%. We need to change our approach to addictions or we create even more problems for people struggling with their lives.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2019

      Hi Stafan,

      Thank you for your suggestion.

      Yet truly I do feel extremely thrilled with QFH abilities to break free from trauma powerfully and quickly for myself and many others.

      There isnt the need personally for me to seek another solution when I have one.

      Cheers Mel 🙏💕💛

        Stefan Risch
        October 16, 2019

        Indeed. It’s about connecting the dots and understanding why QFH can resolve iatrogenic addiction problems…

    October 14, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this video. I have been tweaking Mod11, and life keeps getting better. But there are still areas to work on! The areas that are working are astounding. Wonderful!

    Onward and upward. Am going to meditate on this video a bit.

    Thank you! and… happy belated birthday! I hope you got to see whales and celebrate life with them 🙂

    Love and joy to you –

      Valerie Wedel
      October 14, 2019

      ps – one of the things that is happening is that the career I thought I would build is not happening and instead music is growing, and writing. So part of what I am meditating on is receiving guidance from the universe on what to do and where to do it next. Maybe this belongs in narp forum?? Curious if others have experienced kind of radical shifts in their life as they heal. How does one know if it is a distraction or the true path? (uh oh, self doubt… about that continuing evolution…)

      peace and love –


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2019

      Awww Val,

      Thank you darling Lady and I’m so pleased life just gets better for you.

      The whales were incredible sweetheart.


      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 15, 2019

    Hi there. I had to reread this a few times to get it…but I have to admit, at first, I thought we actually “Could” be talking about the Narcissist’s” issues!!

    Do we Not say that the Narcissists do exactly as you describe here “….. most of us [THEM] have suffered from lack of inner wholeness and solidness; [THEY] have had difficulty to self soothe and heal our [THEIR] emotions (be released from inner trauma); and have therefore been highly susceptible to being traumatised and hooked onto people and things that are not healthy for us.”???
    I mean, isn’t this the actual CORE of THEIR issues….suffering from some trauma that they can’t admit or get over…thus ensuing onto ways of trying to make themselves feel better, so they don’t have to deal with it?

    I am not even so sure most narcissists KNOW they have any issues, or that they ARE Narcissists, and I think that is part of the problem.
    I’m just saying that the very things that Narcs have as issues, ….end up making very similar issues for us. Sometimes.
    Maybe this NARP program could also work for them?

    Other times, as you are suggesting, we often have our own hidden, buried issues within ourselves, in our past, that make us more susceptible to being accepting of these Narcs in our lives, ….and until we heal whatever issues we have, and stop Self-Sabotaging ourselves, we cannot truly get free.

      Martha Roessner
      October 15, 2019

      I think this is a very insightful post. I’ve questioned myself why I got romantically hooked with a seeming narcissist. His blaming and shaming became unbearable, then I began to recognize my own pain would never be healed by trying to heal his! Martha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 15, 2019

      Hi Karen,

      truly for anyone who was going to take 100% personal responsibility for their trauma, meet it and heal it they could overcome their behaviors that hurt themselves and others.

      We don’t have the power or even the right to have people do that because it will help us. The only power we ever have is to make those choices for ourselves, and then who and what is healthy will be in our life matching the state of our newly claimed and healed Inner Being.

      There is only one focus that works, self-healing.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 15, 2019

    Every morning I set my alarm clock and intend to get out of bed early and exercise.

    Every morning I do not.

    I am going to try this tomorrow morning.

    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 15, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      you are so welcome.

      Sending healing and breakthrough to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Sai Niharika
    October 16, 2019

    Hi Melanie, in one of your videos, u have compared narcissists for humanity with a black hole in-universe. It is mind-blowing. After getting started to use NARP healing modules and the ideas behind them, I feel like it would have been better if I did NARP immediately after narc experience when all my traumas were energized. Never in my life did I think that I would crave for those days when I was full of emotions so that they are fully loaded and would be released from the root in single healing. I was always thinking why did it happen in my life, but now u made me change my whole perspective of it.
    Scientists are still trying to find out the singularity of a black hole so that the secrets of the universe can be revealed. Even though it is a black hole that consumes celestial bodies, black hole singularity is to be found out for finding the true nature of the universe. In a similar manner, a narcissist singularity is to let us know humanity’s wounds and let everyone live as their true self propelling through their life with great speed by that which they never knew they could like the planets who get under a black hole’s influence may lose a part of its atmosphere (in human scenario: our time n resources) but then, they can move past it with additional acceleration taking advantage of gravitational sling-shot of black hole.
    Bottom line is planets under the blackhole’s influence must decide whether they wanna give in and get consumed by the black hole or take a leap of faith and move past the extreme gravitational fill where they can infact use the very black hole which was controlling them to their advantage and move ahead at exceptional speeds.
    I have huge respect for you for unlocking the singularity of a narcissist (human black hole) and spreading the wisdom to mankind. You are the ultimate thriver and an angel to humanity. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2019

      Hi Sai,

      the black hole phenomenon is fascinating!

      Thank you for your incredible post and kind words.

      Absolutely the grist is our greatest fuel!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 16, 2019

    Hi Mel!
    I found that for me, self sabotage came from a terror of engulfment if I didn’t run away from trauma. I took that to a module and now i don’t have to wait till the pain is so big, the avoidance tactics are useless which is what I used to do. I wonder if it could be the same for a lot of people with a masive pile of trauma. Before that I’d do the avoidance for a bit but then would still go back to myself and what was hurting but in my own time when I felt safe again and do the work. It still worked as i didn’t have at the time the strength to face it when triggered.

    I’ve done lots of clearing but it still amazes me how when you go into your body afterwards it so different and the feeling of freedom is pure joy. Thank you for your healing words and energy, it really comes through. They keep me on track or bring me back always. ❤

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 17, 2019

      Hi Angelique,

      That is so great that you are unraveling and healing this.

      My suggestion is also to target and clear the traumas that are not allowing you to face the trauma when it surfaces. You can do this at any time with Mod 1 or the SH and R Module. Then you will find it much less daunting to do.

      You are so welcome sweetheart!

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 17, 2019

    I have been struggling with living life. I have felt stuck at home, in bed not doing what I know needs to be done to move forward such as doing module work, exercise, housework, finding part time work, socializing in any way, doing things I used to enjoy or think I would enjoy. I make plans. I do not do them. I just noticed in one of you videos you say you won’t heal if you do modules now and then. I was doing modules when triggered. So I set the intention to get up at a certain time every morning and module using the SH &R module and the goal setting modules. I have been waking up in the mornings moduling and exercising for a week or so as a result. This issue of self sabotage fits my usual pattern of beginning, becoming ‘discouraged’ or going off plan, and not progressing to the other things listed above that I think I want to get to. I say ‘think’ I want to get to because for the longest time I thought well I must not want these things or people around me, I must not want a real life otherwise I’d do these things. So maybe what is going on from what you are saying is that I don’t, but not because I’m a lazy self pitying too broken inadequate slacker who is addicted to suffering, but because I allow the trauma inside me to derail me? I will do the intentional module work you talk about here. Maybe I’m ready now. I hope so.

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