Melanie Tonia Evans

Chronic Health Conditions After Narcissistic Abuse? Watch This

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 29
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is almost synonymous with narcissistic abuse.

So is adrenal malfunction, Fibromyalgia and a host of other nasties.

Tragically many people, as a result of sustaining so much trauma, break down into terrible chronic illnesses.

Are you wondering how on earth you are going to survive your physical conditions and somehow rebuild and have a healthy and happy life?

It is my greatest heartful wish today that you watch this Thriver TV Episode so that you can have some hope. Chronic illness, in most cases, does not have to be your life sentence.

 

 

Video Transcript

Narcissistic abuse creates grave issues for your health.

Stress is a huge contributor to illness because when you are at dis-ease, your inner environment is at its most rampant for disease to occur.

Also, how hard is it to try to do the things that necessitate good health when you are in a battle zone trying to survive?

Naturally, you are not likely to eat and sleep well and do healthy things to maintain a healthy equilibrium.

What health issues does narcissistic abuse cause?

Can these health issues be healed?

If so, how?

All of this and more will be answered in today’s Thriver TV Episode.

Okay, so before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay … let’s continue!

 

What Happens to Your Levels of Stress When Abused?

I believe, in our evolving world now, it is incredibly naïve of us if we believe that stress isn’t a major condition affecting our health – including physically.

From the Quantum and Thriver Healing perspective, it is toxicity, namely stress, that generates the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, including health issues.

When you are being belittled, degraded, confused, manipulated and mined, you will experience a decline in vital life-force.

What does that really mean?

It means that you start to lose self-belief, self-worth and the knowing of your internal compass in the world. Reality becomes skewed and it’s difficult to be safe – not just in your environment and with the person abusing you, but maybe with many other aspects of your life as well.

You may feel incredibly alone in this experience, and even unsupported and misunderstood by the people you used to have safe connections with.

You may wonder, ‘Who can I trust?’

And as you become more isolated, you may even start to blame yourself: ‘Is it me with all the problems?’

Here we have the breakdown of the fabric of your foundations as a human spirit, in your own body, in the world.

Memories of your past are traumatic; your present is full of anxiety and depression; and your future is daunting and overwhelming. You have no idea who you will be or how you will end up, going forwards.

Those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse, usually report that it was the most stressful time of our entire life.

Truly, unless you have been through this, you couldn’t even begin to imagine it.

 

What Are the Physical Effects of Stress?

We start to realise in and after narcissistic abuse that we are having incredibly different feelings and visceral experiences inside our body.

It’s akin to having a horrible virus inside us. It feels like a black ink is running through our veins and we are stuck inside ourselves – feeling oddly disconnected from and unable to connect with our outer world.

We also feel unable to access our desires and dreams, and maybe even connect with those we love and care about.

And … maybe everything we try to do to shake this horrible soul dread, that has taken hold inside, just isn’t working.

But what is really going on chemically within us for these obscene feelings to become so all-consuming?

 A lot is now understood by neuro-scientists about the effects of trauma on our chemical and cellular selves. We now know that events that traumatise us, create brain synopsis messages and the hard wiring of fear and powerlessness. These feelings then generate more of the same and cement the continuation of the traumatic emotional ‘rushes’ that we feel.

We then suffer a peptide addiction to the terrible emotions that are traumatising us such as ‘fear’, ‘heartbreak’, ‘powerlessness’ and ‘victimisation’. All of these emotions have their own corresponding peptide that becomes sought after by our body’s cells, which in turn have become addicted to the ‘rushes’ of pain (even though they are destroying us).

Painful emotional peptides, which literally hurt us physically as our cells receive them, destroy our cells’ capacity to absorb oxygen and nutrients. This then creates an environment where our entire being is prone to dis-ease.

Our body biology is all out of whack, and our immune systems start to malfunction.

Ironically, when we are stuck in deadly peptide addiction, generating more internal trauma, then we make choices that add to the toxicity.

To try to escape the trauma that we are feeling in our bodies, we are prone to pick up drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, or other addictive substances or behaviours, to try to numb the pain. This then causes more damage to our Beings and only adds to the trauma.

Our actions and addictions may include looking up the Ex on social media, being addicted to information about narcissists, or ranting on abuse forums to other victims. There may be some relief in the moment – which truly is about your addiction to victimisation getting chemically fulfilled – but then the pain comes back again, twice as strong.

Obsessive thinking about the trauma, talking about it and researching it, only compounds and cements the trauma, and fulfils the chemical addiction of being a traumatised victim.

Like all addictions, the fulfilment level is ever increasing, as is the urge to self-medicate with thinking, talking and researching. But it’s like picking a scab that never heals and always grows back bigger.

Sooner or later your Inner Identity has embraced your situation as a victim as the absolute truth for you.

This is why abused people, even decades after the actual abuse, keep breaking down more and more as the years go on. If you have been on contemporary abuse forums and have read people’s posts decades after narcissistic abuse, you will know what I am saying is true.

Even trying to ignore the trauma by distracting yourself is not healthy. Unattended to trauma is as faithful as housework – it only piles up, increases and does push-ups in the background while waiting for a gap to burst through!

Of course, the strain of the unattended and growing trauma within you is making your interior toxic and is taking you towards breakdown. This is because trauma that is not addressed, will start to express itself more than emotionally and mentally – it will appear physically.

Already the nervous system is affected, because the emotional/visceral and nervous systems, where trauma impacts and accumulates, are all deeply inter-related.

The nervous system starts breaking down with things like Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), panic attacks and agoraphobia. Anxiety and depression are also by-products.

Then the dis-ease moves into the body. Fibromyalgia can set in as well as adrenal malfunction, hair loss, and other associated break downs. Terrible auto-immune diseases are common, as are even more serious diseases, which can take hold as your cellular and immune systems degrade because of the unhealed trauma – the literal toxicity – inside you.

It is, in fact, extremely common for those suffering narcissistic abuse to have to get to the point of body breakdown before they are ready to heal.

After all, most of us have been very capable of simply ‘getting up and getting on with it’ until this point!

 

The Truth About the Ability to Heal from Chronic Health Issues

Sadly, our medical profession is in the business of treating symptoms of abuse but not actually curing the cause of these symptoms.

You may have been told that you will have C-PTSD for life, or that any cure will be very gradual and will take years.

This is simply NOT the truth.

The same goes for the host of other emotional and physical conditions that you may be suffering, as a result of narcissistic abuse.

Over the years people have asked me this question: ‘If it was the stress of this person that caused me to get so sick, then why didn’t I get better after I left this person?’

It can be shocking to us that even when we get away from an abuser we still don’t heal.

That used to shock me, too.

Why is this the same for all of us?

Because if the trauma that has wedged within you, remains, you are facing a lifetime of trying to survive and manage the trauma – instead of living free from it.

The trauma has to be healed, for real, to get better – emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and physically. There is no other way.

I and so many people within this community suffered incredible disorders that we were told we would NEVER recover from.

My personal diagnosis was that I would need anti-psychotics for the rest of my life; that I would never again function as normal, and my brain and body would never repair.

All of that was a complete lie.

When I released and replaced the traumas from within me that were responsible for my dis-eases, I started to heal in ways that I couldn’t even imagine.

Within months my symptoms were completely gone and I had evolved into higher states of health and confidence and expansion than I could have ever dreamed of.

It is another lie that you will need to be institutionalised into a system of medication and therapy for years or decades to survive what happened to you.

 

Please Be Inspired

I couldn’t even begin to tell you the thousands of incredible stories of healing and resurrection on all levels, including of course physically, within this community.

There are very few Thrivers who have NOT received health improvement, healing or complete remission of previous conditions, after using NARP to release the trauma of the abuse they suffered.

And if that was not possible, because health was just too far gone, these Dear Souls have been able to reach a peace of Self, that they couldn’t previously access.

What is consistent for anyone who experiences narcissistic abuse, is that under the stress of the abuse we BREAK down.

Yet, in most cases, we CAN come back from that.

Just like Frances…

Who was with a narcissist in her late 40’s.

She had a breakdown due to his affairs and triangulation. Things were so bad, even her beloved sons abandoned her. When Frances was diagnosed with serious stomach cancer, she knew she had to heal.

Frances broke away and addressed, released and uplevelled her internal trauma with NARP, until she felt nothing for him, even though he lived in the same neighbourhood.

Her sons returned to the mother they had always loved, but who they previously couldn’t watch destroy herself.

Frances, six years on, is cancer free and has a new and beautiful husband, vocation and home. Her life is a testament to completely changing her life from the inside out.

Then there is Nancy, who at 61 years of age and had only ever known abuse, even as a child.

Nancy was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), an auto-immune disease, which when she was in abusive relationships would flare up to almost intolerable levels that even her most powerful medications could not ease.

After only a year of committing to do the inner work with NARP, Nancy reported that not only was she was free of her painful and narcissistic relationship patterns, but that all the symptoms of RA had either reduced tremendously or disappeared entirely.

And then there is Anki…

Who was suffering from the several chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and severe ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis), a devastating multi-system disease that causes dysfunction of the neurological, immune, endocrine and energy metabolism systems.

Anki was housebound, almost always in bed, and could only crawl to the bathroom. She couldn’t stand or walk because her muscles were too weak.

She would also suffer exhaustion or fever from the smallest of things like brushing her teeth or washing her face. Certain lights or sounds knocked Anki out for days.

Anki couldn’t work or even leave the house.

She was told she would never be able to work again and would only get worse; that she would never recover. Anki, at the time, was 47 years of age.

But all this was before Anki started healing with NARP. In less than two months, she felt totally different and could take walks outside. Also, Anki started working part-time.

After five months Anki was off much of her medication, some of which she had been on for 25 years!

Within 18 months Anki was working fulltime, was completely medication free, and was exercising and walking for up to an hour a day. Her diagnoses/chronic illnesses were taken away from her medical journal by her doctor.

 

You Are Worth Your Healing

Okay, so I really want you to know, with all of my heart, that regardless of your abuse situation, when it started, who it was from, and what chronic conditions you may have had (even for life), the healing path for you is IDENTICAL to my healing path and that of all the other Thrivers.

Namely – get the trauma out and start to see the healing begin – which is what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) does.

I’d love you to learn more and experience exactly how to do this in my FREE Masterclass.

You can do this by clicking this link – FREE Masterclass on Wednesday, 16 October 2019.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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33 Thoughts on Chronic Health Conditions After Narcissistic Abuse? Watch This
  • kristilw67@yahoo.com'
    KRISTI WRIGHT
    October 10, 2019

    This brought tears to my eyes as I watched it. My name is Kristi and I am from Canada. I was in a narcissistic relationship for almost 20 years. I am now 52 years old and in May 2017, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, TYPE 1 DIABETES, ARTHRITIS and ADRENAL FATIGUE. I haven’t been able to work for the last several months which has made me extremely depressed. I just recently found out about your program and I am very excited to learn more as my relationship has only recently ended and I am struggling.
    Thank you for all you do. I think this is going to be instrumental in helping me heal and become whole again!
    Kristi

  • tinameckart@gmail.com'
    Tina M E
    October 10, 2019

    Wow…After reading many posts about narcissistic abuse and healing, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that suffering trauma could also be the strange and bizarre cause on my unsuspecting illness of double pneumonia , whilst I watched all my long beautiful hair started falling out!!! I cried and couldn’t believe any of this was happening to me…and when I read that my trauma was the culprit, it all began to make sense, just like the light that went on when I discovered the symptoms of narcissistic abuse…anyone else have this happen to them? No one even understands what has happened to me and I cope with this pretty much all alone except for Melanie…thank you for your support…T

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2019

      Hi T,

      that is so great that you are putting together the pieces.

      Sending you love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    • R.wales@outlook.com'
      Treehug
      October 10, 2019

      Go and get the Narp package. I started this in 2016 after terrible narcissistic abuse. In agony, isolated and looking for answers (well anything actually lol) I found Melanie’s videos. So I got the Narp package which is powerful counselling from the lady herself. She is always there – three years later, she is still there for me with this programme when I need it. Most of all though, this allows for great internal individual self-work/therapy and healing. I got results in three short months and was able to get completely away from the situation. I can move again, sleep, eat healthily, work and enjoy life again. Its just a great deal all around, healthwise and emotional-wise. Good luck in your new journey of discovery and freedom.

    • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
      Valerie Wedel
      October 11, 2019

      My hair fell out also. I was so messed up. Do NARP. What a wonderful difference it can make! Blessings to you –

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        October 12, 2019

        It’s been so beautiful Val over the years to see you Thrive!

        Thank you for encouraging others!

        Mel 🙏💕💛

  • ngetek@aol.com'
    Nancy Getek
    October 10, 2019

    Mel – I was so happy that you included my story as part of this video. If it can help just one person, I will consider it a raging success!

    As a bit of a followup, the old achy, inflamed, swollen and exhausted arthritic me has all but disappeared. Even my friends have noted that I no longer complain about pain or cancel invitations. I am doing many things around my old house. In the past week I have done such things as painting, gardening/landscaping and even small projects using a hammer, screwdriver and saw. There was a time, not that long ago, that I all but gave up on this sort of activity and resigned myself to less and less activity – or I would suffer the very painful consequences of an arthritis flare up and be flat on my back in bed, propped up on pain medications for days within 5 minutes of starting a project. Just this week, I gathered some 18 bags and boxes of household items and clothing to be donated, removed a large shrub from my yard and planted several berry bushes. I am currently painting the interior of a closet (after emptying the contents), all the trim and doors in a hallway that has 8 doorways (7 doors). That’s a lot of doors and trim and I am loving it! Oh, and I removed and replaced all of the door knobs too! My point is, before NARP, I would have paid someone to do all of this because it would have either taken me forever or I would have literally died trying. Got my sense of humor back too! We all know that NARP stands for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, but it makes me smile to also think of it as “Nancy As Recovered Person”. I thank you for bringing NARP to the world and I thank the Good Lord above and the Universe for bringing NARP into my world. It has given me my life back and so much more <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 10, 2019

      Awww Nancy,

      I am so pleased too! Your beautiful story was so fresh in my mind as I wrote this after releasing your story to my social media channels.

      Wow Nancy, that is SO awesome. There is no way you could do those intricate things with your hands with still existing RA!

      Look at you GO!

      Hahaaha I love that – your acronymn … I should be MARP!

      You are hilarious!!

      Biggest mwah darling lady.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • shabbiew@gmail.com'
    Laetiti Weakley
    October 10, 2019

    Suffering from cortisol overload and hyperactivity, not able to fall asleep, very alert brain, talk too much. Suffering from disability to sleep Without sleeping pills. Always feeling driven to perfection. Can do a lot of things in a day and drive my partner crazy for always interrupting him. Suffer recurring dreams of being suffocated and sexually abused.

  • shabbiew@gmail.com'
    Laetitia Weakley
    October 10, 2019

    Have had 3 breakdowns in 6 years and every time it takes 12 months to recover

  • jlwilderness@outlook.com'
    Jen
    October 10, 2019

    Two years ago, before I left for good, my hair started falling out. I was also experiencing chest pains frequently and went to see a Cardiologist twice. He gave me a clean bill of health. I knew on some level that living with him was slowly killing me and decided to leave for good. His last wife had died at 40 years old from cancer. I knew that may be my fate as well if I didn’t leave. I wasn’t about to sacrifice my life for such an emotionally abusive man. I moved out, purchased the NARP program and listened to it daily with a morning walk. The first year was so devastating, I felt like a shell of myself. Slowly, I began to release the trauma and feel like an actual, living, breathing person again. I was very disappointed when I couldn’t take my walks for 5 months due to a meniscus tear. Well, I’ve had surgery now and am using the NARP program to continue to release the trauma in my body daily. I feel as though the knee injury represented not feeling supported for the last 12 years and I’m working to heal that as well. Today, I live in total peace in a beautiful new home, have changed my name and look forward to what the present and future hold . I could never express my gratitude enough to you Mel for the work you do every day to help us reclaim our beautiful spirits. There is so much healing and health to be had with the NARP program, I am forever indebted to you 💚

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2019

      Awww Jen,

      This is so beautiful and I am so happy for you!

      You so deserve your health and a beautiful life. I’m so pleased NARP has helped you get there darling Lady.

      Much love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • rosewalker@btinternet.com'
    Rosie
    October 11, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    Thank you for addressing this topic. It is so under-rated!
    I was married to a narcissist/ sociopath for 30 years. I was in denial about just how bad things were for that whole time. Guess what? My health began to decline within a year of getting married, and it got worse and worse year by year and decade by decade. I became fanatical about health, including nutrition (I qualified as a Nutritional Therapist), exercise, sleep, relaxation techniques etc. Nothing made any discernible difference. Over the years I experienced severe back pain, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, IBS, eczema, psoriasis, restless leg syndrome, severe joint pain, tinnitus, severe brain fog, difficulty concentrating, poor short-term memory and chronic Lyme disease. And that’s probably forgetting quite a few!
    In the year or two before I finally left, my body and brain had declined to the point that they felt as if they were shutting down and I knew I was dying-it was just a matter of time. My children were discussing behind my back how best to care for me. As a Christian, I believe my faith had kept me going all this time, and somehow gave me the strength to fight back.
    I left my husband and my health improved 50% within weeks. Over the last year it has steadily improved as I have consistently challenged my faulty core beliefs, dug up my traumas and learnt to establish healthy boundaries based on a precept of self respect. However, over the last 2 months it has declined again (nowhere like as bad as when I was still in the relationship) and I’m feeling stuck! Any suggestions for moving through this block into flourishing mental, emotional and physical health?

  • alina.renea17@gmail.com'
    Alina Renea Rhoades
    October 11, 2019

    Thank you for this video. This explains the symptoms that have increased in the last few years. I started the modules a few months ago and have a great deal of improvement already. I had reached a point a few months ago where I could not walk because of back pain. The modules along with chiropractic care has help me get back on my feet with little or no pain. There is still much work to be done. The pain is almost gone but is replaced with exhaustion. I am always tired with a sick icky feeling that runs throughout my whole body (dont know how else to describe it). Some days I feel like I have been run over by a truck and barely have enough energy to make a sandwich. Now I know from the video why I am feeling this way. I have been doing the modules sporadically so the healing is taking longer. I will be doing them more often now. I have more good days after I do a module and want to increase the number of good days.
    Thank you Melanie. You are a life saver.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2019

      Ho Alina,

      It’s my pleasure.

      I’m so pleased NARP has helped you heal so much. I want you to know you can also target and release the trauma generating exhaustion, and go free from that as well.

      If you need anymore help with this please come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we are only too happy to help.

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • deidrelepat16@gmail.com'
    D
    October 11, 2019

    Hi Mel,

    Is there any way I could message you privately?

    Thank you,

    D

  • Starvillas@mweb.co.za'
    Amanda
    October 11, 2019

    What beautiful stories. I can attest to this working never thought I could be guilt free when my mother tries to guilt and shame me. I have had so many breakthroughs. NARP is amazing. Even the fact that I sent in my thriver story I was told that there were a lot sent in. That only attests to that this really works. I hate narping but results are si worth it❤

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2019

      Awww Amand,

      There is so many Thriver stories and it is so beautiful that you are a NARP Thriver too.

      Sending you continued love and blessings

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    October 11, 2019

    This is all so true.

    For years I experienced depression which varied from an on-going low grade depression to what I would call fairly severe depression. The severe depression and what I now know was adrenal fatigue sidelined me for 18 months before I once again started to feel connected to my body. When I was in an active relationship with the Narc I had all kinds of ongoing female problems/infections that just wouldn’t go away in addition to the never ending depression. I was also sick a lot with colds and flu.

    I thought my depression was hereditary. Then he went to jail for a couple years. During the time he was incarcerated my low grade depression disappeared right along with him!

    What helped was 1) limited contact with the guy -I moved far away 2) regular exercise 3) watching my nutrition carefully 4) looking inward to release the trauma.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      That is so great that you focused on your healthy, recovery and wellbeing.

      Big kudos to you Dear Lady.

      Thrive on!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    DMJ
    October 11, 2019

    Happy Birthday Melanie!!!! 🙂
    Hope you are having a lovely day and that you get to see whales on your whale watch. I went on one years ago off of the coast of Maine. We did not see whales, but some bald eagles and seals. Enjoy!

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    October 12, 2019

    Happy Birthday Melanie.
    You keep getting better and better every year. Thank you for all that you do and for keeping the ball rolling.
    This latest video hit home big time. My mother has suffered from being married to a narc.
    I knew it before even knowing what NPD was.
    For years I begged her to leave him, but being old school she hung in there.
    Now she is bedridden and he is running around like a kid.
    I have made sure that I will NOT be his next source of narc supply.
    Many people are being saved from my mothers fate by your work Melanie (myself included)
    God bless you on your birthday
    Have a wonderful day.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2019

      Thank you Ocean Breeze,

      It’s my pleasure.

      So much love to you and for your dear mother’s soul.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • grateful@europe.com'
    KKWL
    October 13, 2019

    Dear Mel,

    could you please address FOO options and other pathways?

    Such as — clearing cleaning and healing and then NOT having to hang out w FOO??

    Your story scares me – and also disensentivizes — looking to the future of healing, what is the path where one clears trauma and then is FREE?

    As in FREE to choose whom to hang out w?

    I am allowed to choose friends (and even wonderful friends with whom I have no problems one can ‘outgrow’ or just sort of lose touch or whatever — )

    This has been a sticking point for more than 10 yrs bc I see it so often in terms of spiritual healing, like it’s a ‘goal’ to then hang out w FOO

    But what if they’re NOT narcs and you just don’t like them?

    At what point are we free??

    Could you write a post or address this — are there pathways where ppl clear things up and then suddenly the shackles are released and they are FREEEEEEEEEEEE to go??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2019

      Hi KKWL,

      please come into the NARP Member’s Forum, where we will do the deep work with you in there, with NARP and our Moderators.

      That is the place for this – not here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      And it is where we can serve you and work with you in the deepest most supportive way.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • grateful@europe.com'
    KKWL
    October 13, 2019

    Sweet Mel,

    hello again! the above question comes up again for me bc as I look at trauma etc I also have coping mechanisms that are — well —- whew —

    Yrs ag in absence of other ways to deal with pain and trauma etc — and feeling SCARED TERRIFIED of ppl who are abusive and who expell anger outwardly etc etc I devised a bunch of ‘coping mechanisms’ to ‘protect’ myself

    Obviously I already distanced self looooong time ago

    But I live w FOO and one of the ppl who was abusive – well, they hang out w him. And I HATE HATE HATE it!!! It’s the one last point I have about this (bc everything else I was able to cancel out of my life)

    Ok so I know about internal wounds now !!!!! — but here’s the thing

    I have this device/ coping mechanism where I feel like things get “contaminated” by energy — and I have such visceral hatred for this person (the one who was abusive) that I want NOTHING to do w this person. I no contact (for looong time) but I also don’t want to hear the name (I now also have problems typing first letter of it!! yeeshh : ))

    But here’s the thing – when the FOO DOES hang out w this person I then feel like they are ‘contaminated’ w his energy. Bc for me – I want him not to exist/never to have existed- just completely erased.

    So I feel like they bring his energy (is this his memory? or reminder??) interpreted it as ‘energy’ — and since I want NOTHING to do w it, I have to avoid it.

    If they hang out then the path they walk on is now ‘contaminated’ (i have no other contact w them in the house)

    I would just have to wait how ever long it took for the path not to feel ‘contaminated’ before I could cross it (I would NEVER walk on it) and then I would pray for protection etc and JUMP over it (which would always feel scary bc I don’t want to get ‘contaminated’ w their or the person’s energy.)

    Whew. ok. So here’s the thing – that means then that I cannot go outside until the path is ‘clear’ — which also means I cannot get FOOD!!!

    I’m so convinced that the ‘energy’ is in the path or that if I touch it then I am somehow ‘connected’ to this person (And I want NO connection ever whatsoever again) that even if I am starving (which I have been!!) I would rather whither away than dare to cross that path.

    (I think there’s also a fear mingled in here that I may have to hang out w this person again – bc I used to feel obligated to do that befor abuse (though I never really liked person – felt sorry for person or guilty or whatever).

    I worry that if I heal completely – then I’ll have to go back to hanging out again — and I don’t want that. it’s been soo nice to be FREE of any obligation there, despite all the suffering)

    I know this is not rational. but the fear and terror were not ‘rational’ either – so this seemed to work. It’s kind of like ‘outsourcing’ the pain the anger etc — put it on the path, get it out of my life so I can ‘forget about it’ it’s not ‘on me’ etc. Which is FINE, until I need food!!!!!

    I’ve done A LOT of energy healing work over 3 decades, have a lot of experience w distance healing etc etc. So I think that’s where this idea of ‘energy’ comes from (that and having seen ppl who can simply touch an object someone else has touched and get TONS info about them etc)

    I’ve asked other healers about this – no satisfactory answer. Some have said “just tune in to a different channel”

    (and this is also probably where trauma comes in – bc being on HIGH alert all the time (for ambush etc) means I can’t just blase’-like “turn the channel” I still feel like I need to be ‘protected’ from these ppl

    Have been doing QH for weeks – there’s SO much coming up etc – but – I mean I still have this fear! it’s tough

    ~~~

    I have a sense it’s tied in with the fear I have that at the end of healing ALL FOO has to ‘come together’ and ‘hang out’ like ‘nothing ever happened’ etc

    and I find that revolting

    (perhaps also because one other FOO member was abused by this person yrs ago and has ‘just forgotten about it’ and hangs out all the time anyway – she claims she doesn’t like it but

    a- I think she’s lying
    but worse
    b- I truly don’t think she cares to heal. She is perfectly fine living as she does and IMO sees nothing wrong w stuffing down trauma, ‘forgetting about it’ and just living a ‘normal life’ —

    I cannot do this. Every trauma bothers me like the princess and the pea — I have intense need to GROW spiritually.

    ~~

    I think this is the sticking point. Seeing injustice and they really don’t care and will just hang out like ‘nothing ever happened’

    These are not narcs —

    ~~~~~

    I feel so afraid that I will ‘forget’ as I heal what these ppl have done and so I think I put these things out there so when I cross that path – I remember!! OH ‘these ppl are awful! you hate them’ type thing

    I understand there are internal wounds I SEEEE that! : ) — but what these ppl did is ALSO not ok.

    ~~~~~

    So it’s like if your house gets destroyed by a hurricane – act of nature. You have to heal and rebuild (hopefully in a different way to prevent it in future ie not near the coast, wind-sustaining walls etc )

    But if you’re house gets destroyed by neighbor – then what? You have to heal and rebuild (in a different way? to prevent it in future???) And when you DO heal and rebuild (I’m guessing in a different location) then what do you do with this neighbor?

    What do you do with the ‘neighbor’ – the perpetrator

    Do you say ‘oh well there were internal issues w my house” so neighbor’s off the hook, ‘forget about it’ and hang out like nothing happened?

    Or do you say Ok there were internal issues with my house – I see those now I address those I care for self I work on those

    AAAANNND now what do you do with this person?

    I mean the person was still an a*********!!! regardless.

    In my book – I walk away from ppl like that. And I did.

    I don’t want to hang out with people like that – ppl who are unconscious, have internal problems and just spew them on others. not ok.

    But I truly fear still a bit that if I heal completely I’ll forget all this and they’ll get the benenfit of hanging out with someone who’s clear and lifted and I’ll have to hang out w ppl I just don’t like.

    And what if I don’t like them bc they were abusive? But I heal the abuse – do I then like them???

    ~~~

    This is where your FOO story confuses me

    Could you please write more — did your parents also do a lot of work on themselves for their own issues? Or did you not really have such a bad relationship with them to begin with – were the issues not so bad or intense.

    Your story of seeing narc on rooftop — now THAT one I LIKE!!!! : ) : ) : ) — you just say ‘oh ok’ like no big deal but then also say ‘let’s go someplace else’ —- to me that’s like: yes! Freedom.

    Couldn’t people also do that with FOO non-narc???

    Just simply walk away for no particular reason – and feel FREE to do this

    ~~

    Ok we have internal wounds and come in w these ppl to stick needles in them — but then like the house analogy – what if that was it? I’d like to think: ok part ways!!! sayonara ppl!!!!! (but I’m so afraid of my ‘enlightened soul’ not listening to this from my hurt self)

    Would you possibly write another FOO post?

    And the energy thing – whew!! the coping mechanism

  • grateful@europe.com'
    KKWL
    October 13, 2019

    Awwhh shute!! that was a long post! I wish I could go back and edit it – or delete and edit it!!!

    Honestly the path ‘contamination’ thing just got triggered and it caused me to address this.

    For 10 days have been avoiding the path bc they ‘might’ have hung out 10 days ago – so it was ‘contaminated’ and I’m already in trauma mode (doing tons QH) — so I thought ok I’ll stay off it –

    *

    I thought Sunday should be long enough hopefully I’ll feel strong enough then!!! Seemed good. And then TODAY!!! TODAY TODAY TODAY booM!!!! hung out AGAIN!!! f***ckityF*****ckinF****F******!!!! Unbelievable. It could ALMOST feel like “universe is against me” BUT — I thought: OK here it is!! Well, this is intersting bc how am I going to get food now??!!

    A month ago after a ‘hang out’ the path was so ‘contaminated’ to me that I didn’t even go near my window that is NEAR it!!!! or touch things in my room that are near that window – until days later.

    *

    I have such visceral hatred of this person – such visceral upset that they hang out w him and ‘have fun’ (though they deny it when asked claim it sucks) HOnestly this is a ‘cosmic joke’ bc here I am waiting 10 days for strength and a ‘clearing’ — only to have it ‘recontaminated’ !!!!!!!!!!! I’m like: OK universe! here we go!! How do I do this???

    ~~

    So often in QH healings it’s come up at spiralling time that I think : NO I want to hold on to this pain!! to these horrible memories! (in this case to the hatred!!!) bc it REMINDS me of what NOT to do – where NOT to go! (I tell self it’s the pain releasing) I’m so convinced it’s the hatred that ‘protects me’

    (This abuse was intermittent over yrs and there was no real relationship and rare contact – I’d get over it, ‘heal’ forget about it and it’d happen again yrs later. Finally I strung it all together and snapped – couldn’t take it one more time and so I truly believed in order to not have it happen again (bc person is unconscious, cannot be counted on to not do this) I have to NEVER forget, this meant holding on to anger, the story the hatred and seeing other person as horrible!)

    I SOOO much want to believe like in your narc story that you heal the wounds and the whole thing falls away ‘easily’.

    In today’s case mom went shopping with person’s wife. She claims not to enjoy hanging out w these ppl and says it’s not often. WHY voluntarily go do this then? and also WHY come back full of good cheer and stories about trip (I overheard) when to me she always makes it sound like she doesn’t like these ppl, almost never spends time with them etcetc.

    This makes me feel like: I’ll have to do that!!!! or something

    argh — am SO entangled with these ppl

    last week anxious that they were out together I suddenly felt like “This is crazy!!!!! crazy!!” (and lightly laughed!) that was a good hopeful sign!!!!!!!

    seriously so enmeshed w these ppl and triggered so really writing this out – and thank you for ‘being’ there in shape of this site — do you know that I’ve been going to healers since 1992 for this?! And that even when I lived far away in other countries and had other issues I went to healers for the one thing that would ALWAYS come up was FOO??!!!!(1 or 2 specifically) EVERY EVERY damn time – no matter what country what healer what issue!! ) it’s been a really long time of being entangled and I have not been freee

    (and I had given up completely on ever being free in this lifetime – surrendered)

    it’s just insane – it’s crazy. I’m a powerful being, but am playing small

    and in playing small I stay stuck with these ppl (bc this is where they play and they’re apparently fine with it)

    and in freeing myself that’s a BIG shift!!!!!! HUUUUUGE — not sure am ready for it

    have been playing small for such a long long long long long long time (lke 100s yrs)

    but honestly if I WERE my true self I doubt I’d want to hang out w any of these ppl (and their dramas) — I doubt I’d even see it, you know? It wouldn’t even cross my radar

    (but I feel like I’m making that up — )

    So many times I thought: yeah!! NOW I’ve healed! had massive soul retrieval etc etc — NOW I’m healed and then BOOM! no. In it again! and again and again.

    I am ( I think I believe I keep hearing ) a very powerful being. and I am playing small pretending I’m not as great amazing or powerful as I truly am. Pretending I don’t have access to information to help to BEING – to true being when I really do (?? apparently) but am stopping myself.

    Am I making this up??!! I ask self —

    If I were to come out as what I truly am, it’d blow this all out of the water, these ppl wouldn’t really exist (?) and it wouldn’t be an issue –

    Meanwhile I still have to figure out how to deal with this path and the energy ‘contamination’

    And SHUTE! I just went to the bathroom and discovered that I also do not feel safe to drink water now. SHUTe shute shute shute! Bc as I was drinking I thought of that wife person (I have purposefully never met her – no contact for 10 + yrs but I hate her and the whole situation) and then I felt like: if I drink this water I’ll be connected to them. So I immediately put the water down. NOT good!! I need to drink bc have no food (bc of path!)

    I never think about any of these ppl for half the yr when FOO are gone. It’s only when they’re here that these things even come to mind (bc they hang out )

    |
    |
    |

    now as I’ve been healing it w QH I also noticed I think about this person – whereas before I did not EVER. This concerns me. I’m assuming it’s because I’m working on issues and I HOPE that will go away and I won’t have even pleasant thoughts of them ever coming up. (I’m so adamant about not wanting to think about them now I won’t even drink water!)

    Welp universe this’ll be an interesting one!! certainly not what I wanted to happen as I planned to get food –

    (hope it’s ok to write this out here as it’s a timely RIGHT ‘now’ issue – and am not forum member)

    Apologies it’s SO long again!!!! ohhhh 🙂

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