Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Narcissists Devalue You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 18
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Narcissists are NASTY people.

Yes, absolutely they can be delightful …

But, when they lash out … all bets are off.

No matter what you are doing they find fault; the ways to criticize you, put you down, bring up your most painful wound and throw it in your face, go over again what you seemingly did to them that can never be forgiven … and the list goes on and on.

All of which makes you doubt yourself and seriously question your own integrity, intentions, and identity.

And … if the narcissist in your life isn’t critical verbally, there are things they do that still hurt you immensely, leaving you feeling devalued, insignificant and not worthy of their care or attention.

If we are hanging out with pathological people who are sucking our life-force dry and projecting their wounds onto us, we get sick.  And, then we are more confused because we are ALSO acting like a triggered, angry, uncaring and nasty person.

How do we cut through the fuzz and confusion about what is really going on with being devalued by a narcissist?

How do we get clear this is the stuff THEY do and it’s NOT our fault?

I believe it starts by understanding WHAT they do and WHY they do it.

Then … its firmly about us taking our power back in these situations.

Today’s episode is all about waking us up, out of our trance, to do what we need to do to escape and break the terrible spell of being devalued and destroyed by narcissists.


Video Transcript

One of the things that make it so horrible to be in close proximity to narcissists is how quickly they can turn on you, and seemingly on a hairline trigger. Narcissists find fault with you so easily, and really for no good reason.

Let me give you examples.

You do something for the narcissist, whether it be mowing the lawn, washing their car, or going and picking something up for them. A normal person would thank you and be grateful for your efforts. Yet, the narcissist finds fault. Something about what you did and the way you did it was apparently wrong. You didn’t whipper snipper the edges enough, you missed some dirty bits on the car, and you should have been doing something else other than picking up that parcel for them.

You find yourself twisting into all sorts of shapes trying to make this person happy, and you justify yourself regarding the brutal critique, fend off the comparisons to how other people do it so much better than you, and feel the intense devastation that no matter what you do, with the best intentions, it’s not good enough for this person.


Yet He/She Can Be So Lovely

Yes, maybe at times, this person is happy and an absolute delight. And you heave a sigh of relief because for now there is a reprieve. Here is the delightful person who is a joy to be around, funny, charismatic, attentive and loving.

In the case of a narcissist, this is generally for one of two reasons. Either this person has received a big ego hit of narcissistic supply and is high on their favourite drug, or they are positioning to get what they want. Narcissists ‘nice’ actions are generally agenda based. It’s about giving to get something.

You may see more of this ‘delightful person’ in the earlier days, and much less as time goes on. Later down the track, as the cracks in your relationship turn into massive gaping fissures, this person may show up less and less.


Why Do Narcissists Devalue You?

Toxic people are unhealthy and nasty, full stop. Hurt people hurt people, full stop.

The following are the reasons why this happens:

If someone is clogged up with unmet, unhealed inner trauma, and they have a stunted True Self, which is a buried, disowned, abandoned inner child and a fictitious False Self, placed at the helm to take over, this person has huge ego defences that come into swing each time they feel triggered into internal pain.

Truly, if someone is not at one within themselves and not feeling whole as their own source of love, approval, security and survival emotionally, they are not happy, period.

The narcissist doesn’t self-partner and is not connected to themselves in self-loving, self-supportive ways when required. In times of anxiety, rather than admitting this and meeting and being loving with inner erupting wounds with evolved and self-generative self-talk like “(Narcissist’s name) I’m really proud of you and you are doing a great job” or “(Narcissist’s name) what do you need from me right now?” Or (Narcissist’s name) I believe in you, and I fully know that you will work out what is best to do for the highest good in this circumstance.” The narcissist is completely disconnected from themselves, and their self-talk is delusional, arrogant, outer focused and toxic.

It’s designed to self-medicate and bypass the trauma instead of dealing with it, which is what loving self-talk and a commitment to do the deep inner work to heal does.

The inner-narrative goes something like this: “(Narcissist’s name) you are so hot. That girl/guy looked at you like they wanted you”, or “(Narcissist’s name) you know you are so much better than them. They all envy you and think you have the best partner, life, body, home (whatever it is)”.

The narcissist is always looking outwards for inner relief, and it’s a bottomless pit. It can only ever grant the False Self a temporary quick fix and will never hold or heal or fulfil their inner being.

The narcissist’s inner being, just like everyone’s inner being, is waiting for self to turn inwards and come home. That’s True Source, and everything else is a substitute.

Because of the narcissist’s gnawing inner chasm, never getting held, loved or healed to wholeness, the narcissist is in a constant state of anxiety. There is chronic, toxic neediness taking place.

The narcissist’s outer seeking ego screams this: “I need you to comply. I need you to take my pain away. I need you to do exactly what my unrealistic, overentitled expectations require from you. I need you to obey. I need you to be subservient. I need you to go over and above the call of duty to confirm my significance, and I need you to cop my crap whenever I feel angry and need to blame someone else and lash out.” “And if you don’t cop it, then I’ll find a way to punish you until I’ve offloaded enough of my inner rage to try to get relief.”

Narcissists are playing out malignant, toxic projection. It is the disowned, unhealed parts of themselves that are eating them alive. To try to survive these inner wounds, which the narcissist has no intention of meeting, holding, feeling and healing, they are superimposed onto you instead, and then the narcissist tries to destroy them which means you are lined up and attacked.

If you have ever wondered why things going wrong in the narcissist’s life are your fault and why they accuse you of exactly the atrocities that they commit, now you know why. And the creepy thing is the narcissist truly believes that you are the culprit of these behaviours. They are completely unconscious to any other reality.

The only way that a narcissist would wake up from their trance and come into the consciousness of the truth, is if the narcissist admitted there was something wrong with them that they needed to heal and turned inwards and took full responsibility for their inner traumas that are detonating their unhappiness, rage and angst.


Am I the Problem?

And it all gets so messy when you are caught up in this dynamic with a narcissist because it is really hard to decipher who is who in the zoo. You know you are rageful, detonated, anxious and thrown outside of yourself trying to control what the narcissist is or isn’t doing to try to feel better.

When we hang out with sick people, we get sick, period.

If you are spending time with a person who is a pathological liar, manipulative, agenda-based, energy-sucking (attached because of what is in it for them), conscienceless and has an inability to have empathy, be remorseful and change their abusive behaviour, you are being violated and damaged, and you will start to behave like someone who is violated and damaged.

You may also be hugely confused by what is happening and even think that you are to blame because the narcissist is telling you this. If you suspect that you are being narcissistically abused, yet this person doesn’t rage at you and criticise you, you may wish to see information about the Altruistic Narcissist, so that you get clarity. 

Being devalued by a narcissist doesn’t have to be raging and criticising. It can be having no care for you or your things, rights and needs. It may be objectifying you and having no interest in you as person. It may be pathologically lying and doing things behind your back, that would hurt you, without remorse or conscience.


Personal Responsibility As Adults

The following is the narcissist’s catch-cry: “Because of you I have endured this”, “Because of you this happened to me”, “Because of you I suffered this … missed out on that … etc., etc.” If you have been narcissistically abused, I know you have heard this.

We can learn a lot from this Wrong Town premise that narcissists play. We can fall into the trap of taking responsibility for another adult’s happiness that can never be fulfilled by us because it’s their job. We can only add to what they have already created within.

We also need to recognise where we are also hanging on trying to make this person responsible for our own wholeness, namely our sense of self-love, approval, security and survival, the commodities we have not yet created as solid within ourselves.

None of us are children anymore, without decision-making power, reliant on someone else for our life. Growing up and being an adult means healing ourselves to self-responsibility without guilt or neediness.

This is the part without guilt: “Okay narcissist, I know you fully believe I’ve ruined your life. Rather than me try to justify and fix that anymore, or feel guilty regarding your accusations, I grant you permission to leave and find someone else to give you what you want.”

This is the part without neediness: “And, I give myself my own blessing to stop trying to get blood from a stone so that I become my own healthy, decent, kind and honest self-generative source, and form relationships with other real people who do have the resources to be healthy.”

Of course, this is all easier said than done, and the reason it is, is because we have our own unmet unhealed traumas from our childhood that are keeping us in this toxic game. And, until we wake up from our own trance, which can only happen when we stop looking outwards and instead turn inwards to heal and change the only person we do have the power to, the horror and pain doesn’t stop.

Eventually the devaluing will lead to the narcissist’s full and brutal discard, or we will end up so broken that we will need to leave or die, and then we run a very big risk of simply taking our unhealed traumas with us, trying to survive the narcissistic abuse symptoms that live on inside of us.

That’s barely living let alone Thriving.

Here’s what we need to do to get out of this nightmare: turn inwards to face the traumas responsible for us staying with what is more of the same, the patterns as children of being stuck in handing our power away trying to be loved. Things like trying to earn love and approval and never feeling good enough no matter what we did. Or, walking on broken glass trying to appease unavailable, anxious, empty, angry, addictive or abusive people so that they might finally love us healthily and safely.

When we go within, meet, hold and heal these trauma patterns within, then we come out of this no longer a match for more of the same.

Our confusion also goes. We know everyone can have a bad day and not act nicely, yet we know whether they are a good person.  This is very different from someone chronically devaluing you, whilst you get even sicker trying to organise yourself around their pathological unresolved wounds.

So, if you have had enough of this and even if you are in confusion and not sure what is really going down, know, either way, that starting to meet, find and heal your inner wounds will start granting you salvation … the clarity, power and relief you need for this cycle to stop.

And, I’d love to help you connect to your real Thriver Healing, with my free 16-day course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more.

Click here to get free access to the course.

I look forward, as always, to answering your comments and questions below!


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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58 Thoughts on Why Narcissists Devalue You
    November 8, 2018

    Wow, it’s incredible how you describe my life exactly and help me find clarity. I’ve been through all of it and I’m just coming back to home, who I really am. You have helped me find my way. It’s so delicate right now. Knowing that I can come back to this video, also clear out my subsconcious with your program, and take care of my triplet 13 year olds who are dealing with this situation is tough but you describe it perfectly. I just need to hear it often, having to work with him in our business and not able to go completely grey stone or no contact. I’m finally starting to have a new life again, 23 years married and 2 years separated but really starting to realize my value. His words roll off my back when I understand where they are coming from. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Sude,

      I’m so glad this strikes a chord with you!

      You are doing a fantastic job with what you have been through and juggling, and please know this entire community stands with you and for you.

      So many continued blessings to you and yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      November 8, 2018

      I am absolutely amazed that each video I watch or article I read describes my life to a tee with my narcissist ex, who left last year on December 22nd, after I felt released from our marriage realizing I could never and would never make him happy. Your statement was pretty much exactly how it played out for me: “Okay narcissist, I know you fully believe I’ve ruined your life. Rather than me try to justify and fix that anymore, or feel guilty regarding your accusations, I grant you permission to leave and find someone else to give you what you want.” I directed him back to a love of 35 years ago who said, “He is enthralled with his own intelligence,” and “I was ready to jump out the window after 2 months. I do not know how you did it for 25 years.” And, “One day, I did something he thought was wrong or he did not like and he looked at me like a rabid dog. I had forgotten that about him, but then remembered that no matter how charming he could be, there was this darkness that lurked beneath and I wanted no part of that.” Such affirmation for me.

      Melanie, each and every article speak volumes, with truth upon truth. I feel like I have an arsenal of truth to affirm, guard, and direct me. I am truly excited about the journey to not only heal but thrive. I am already at the stage where the traumas are no longer causing pain, but rather they connect the dots, making what was a confusing journey riddled with self-doubt, fear, and the taking on of HIS CRAZY, producing, as you stated, a “fascination” that is instilling confidence I will thrive because I want it all to become clear. I look forward to discovering and healing the inner parts of me that were broken when I met him, making me a perfect target, which will then make me whole.

      Thank you so much for your resources, Melanie. I can’t stop talking about my daily discoveries an epiphanies to my friends, and share your resources with those who need them.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 8, 2018

        Hi Linda,

        I am so pleased that my material has helped affirm and support you in your healing back to you.

        I love that you are excited about becoming more and more of your True Self.

        It is the most incredibly thrilling journey and we are so blessed as Thrivers to be on it.

        Wishing you incredible continual breakthroughs sweetheart.

        Mel 😂💕❤️

    Vicki Travers
    November 8, 2018

    Oh my word!
    I cannot believe this article. I have said in disbelief over and over again how could my now, ex husband just devalue me like he did, after 20+ years of marriage. I thought it was me and only me. It has been 17 months and 7 days since I received a text message that simply said “I have moved out” and I came home from work to an empty house and bank accounts emptied.
    I have been so lost and depressed that he was the love of my life and when he left that was when I discovered he was living a whole other life.
    Learning to live again is incredibly hard. I know he is planning to get married again and has moved on with no thought of me at all. He left me with debts I didn’t even know we had.
    I really truly needed to read this article, thank you so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Vicki,

      You poor thing, my heart goes out to you.

      Please know you are so not alone and there are many people in this community who have also gone through the devestatuon of devalue and discard from a narcissist.As well as deal with the carnage they leave behind.

      I’d love you to connect to my inner transformational resources. They makes such a powerful difference in the way we can heal.

      Sending strength, breakthrough and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    November 8, 2018

    My ex wife did these things. Coming out of the fog has been hellish. Question the reality of the situation. Now I just remember all the times she stonewalled and blamed me for everything. The good, charming part of her is a distant memory. She discarded me, divorced me. Knowing the truth, she did me a favor.

    November 8, 2018

    I really appreciate so much of your guidance. This particular session seems more appropriate for people in a relationship where extrication is more possible. I wish you would give more guidance for people like me, who are bound to a person with narcissistic behaviours because of children, even though there is little relationship. In my case, I married a man who was in a previous abusive relationship. The mother of his children has been unofficially diagnosed by 3 different psychologists as having a narcissistic personality disorder. The children reside primarily with her and parental interference is an issue, with the kids learning to devalue their relationships with their father and me. We have already accepted and let go of the older child, making it known we will always be welcoming when the child feels it is safe to pursue a relationship with either of us. To be a part of the children’s lives means subjecting ourselves ad nauseam to the continued abuse of their mother, who has prohibited most forms of regular communication between father and his children. I would really benefit from guidance for situations where continued contact and involvement with the person with narcissism is inevitable for the sake of keeping a small link alive between father/child. If we were to walk away forever from the mother, we could only do so by doing the same with the children, and we would not do this. We both love the children very much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Jesse,

      If you goggle my name plus boundaries and also my name plus family members you will find resources to help you navigate this situation.

      Also my resources regarding ‘children’ will also help – they all apply.

      I hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    November 8, 2018

    Not getting any sound, is it just me? Can you possibly resend? TY

    November 8, 2018

    Got it! This is so awesome, such an answered prayer for me today, Melanie! Thank you!! You’re right,…they can be so delightful…but I’m becoming stronger & more healed everyday…and can see their delightfulness from more of a distance than I once did. In other words, this inner healing is bringing me to a place where I’m beginning to truly embrace my true identity In Him, & see others’ projections for what they truly are, “a total separate thing from myself”. I love the connectedness I feel with you and others that understand this, and empower me to continue on in this path! Lots of Love to you and everyone here!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Aneas,

      That is wonderful that your inner healing is bringing you through into your power and truth.

      I’m so happy and honoured that I can share this connection and journey with you.

      So much love to you Aneas.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Elizabeth M
    November 8, 2018

    I am going through a divorce from a nasty narcissist. It is now into it’s third year and continues to drag on as a horrible nightmare. He has refused 4 proposals, and canceld meetings with our attorneys. He won’t talk to his atty because he doesn’t want to pay her, so I’ve had to do all the document work, etc. the judge needed, because he wouldn’t. He continues to lie,hide jobs and money, and it goes on and on. He now is accusing me of the one holding up the divorce! Just unbelievealbe accusations. How do I continue to keep it together and get through this divorce, as I feel if he won’t wake up and comply with the judge has recommended, it will be going to trial. All our money is going to the attorneys. we have already spent over $100K!! I’l have nothing left to live on. Help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Elizabeth,

      My heart goes out to you, because it is so painful and traumatic to be locked in legal battle with narcissists. Many of them simply will not do the right thing.

      What I know about my own case with narcissistic abuse, and so many others, that the first and usually only way to get a shift, is by doing the healing inside us to address our emotion about what is hurting us, and then the situation can and will start to change.

      I’d really love you to google my name and ‘Thriver Shows’ and also check out the ones that I have done regarding court settlements to understand how these people achieved this – from the inside out.

      I can’t recommend enough the inner work, which is what NARP is to turn around all the horrors of n abuse, including what you are dealing with.

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

        Elizabeth M
        November 13, 2018

        Thank you Melanie. I will definitely check out what you recommend.

        I forgot to mention the reason I am divorcing this narcissist after 30 plus years of marriage is that
        I, by accident, discovered he was having not one, but two affairs instead of looking for a job. The affairs had been going on for some time.
        After many people learned of the divorce, I started to get calls from friends /acquaintances telling me about him and other women he was with from even earlier in our marriage.

        I had no idea, as I trusted him in a Christian marriage, and thought he felt the same.
        He is a very sick man. I don’t know that I could ever trust another man again, the betrayal is huge.
        He has never mentioned what he did or the divorce to our three adult sons. The elephant in the room.
        Very sad…

          March 7, 2019

          This just happened to me too. A “Christian” marriage and we were in the media. The hardest part about the breakup was realizing he was not the “person” I thought he was. A total con. His Mom was in on it too(helping him hide money). He was having affairs, ruined my credit and is hiding money even now. Just spent a year and 3 months in court. Hang in there. With all your power get help mentally and emotionally for yourself. I just started Melanie’s program. It really helps.

    Elizabeth M
    November 8, 2018

    I am going through a divorce from a nasty narcissist. It is now into it’s third year and continues to drag on as a horrible nightmare. He has refused 4 proposals, and canceld meetings with our attorneys. He won’t talk to his atty because he doesn’t want to pay her, so I’ve had to do all the document work, etc. the judge needed, because he wouldn’t. He continues to lie,hide jobs and money, and it goes on and on. He now is accusing me of the one holding up the divorce! Just unbelieveable accusations. How do I continue to keep it together and get through this divorce, as I feel if he won’t wake up and comply with the judge has recommended, it will be going to trial. All our money is going to the attorneys. we have already spent over $100K!! I’l have nothing left to live on. Help!

    Elizabeth M
    November 8, 2018

    I am going through a divorce from a nasty narcissist. It is now into its third year and continues to drag on as a horrible nightmare. He has refused 4 proposals, and canceled meetings with our attorneys. He won’t talk to his atty because he doesn’t want to pay her, so I’ve had to do all the document work, etc. the judge needed, because he wouldn’t. He continues to lie, hide jobs and money, and it goes on and on. He now is accusing me of the one holding up the divorce! Just unbelieveable accusations. How do I continue to keep it together and get through this divorce, as I feel if he won’t wake up and comply with what the judge has recommended, it will be going to trial. All our money is going to the attorneys. We have already spent over $100K!! I’l have nothing left to live on. Help!

    November 8, 2018

    Yup. So true. Thank you for all these very important reminders!
    I love Tiggy. 🙂
    He adores you. I’ve never seen a cat look so adoringly at a person who wasn’t holding food. 😉

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Awww DMJ,

      you are so sweet.

      Tiggy is like my number 2 son!

      So much love to you from myself and the Tigster!

      Mel 🙏💕❤

    November 8, 2018

    For those of us who grew up with a narcissistic parent, one of the most challenging things we face along our healing journey is trying to figure out what’s true and what isn’t because there was this nasty human being imposing their distorted reality onto us. One of those distorted realities is that no one but the narcissist mattered. We learned very quickly that our normal need for affection and attention as children would be met with some sort of emotional, mental or even physical punishment because our needs took away attention from the narcissist. Having this seed planted in the mind so early in life we often develop guilt about giving and doing things that are exclusively just for us. We may even have a false belief that self-care is selfish. I know I did. Even when I thought I was practicing good self-care, I would discover that I wasn’t completely taking care of myself because of healthy feelings of self-worth, but instead, I was just trying to be good enough and worthy enough to win the acceptance of the narcissist.

    Had I not taken the leap of faith and tried on a different behavior it would have continued to be difficult for me to fully absorb any healing, therapeutic practice without feeling guilty. I’m saying all this to say that while your narc is devaluing you, find any little thing to what feels self-valuing to you. It doesn’t matter what it is just so long as it something that feels a little bit selfish…..because it’s not. It’s just the programming. You just have to have the physical experience of giving to yourself, not because it keeps you healthy for your kids, or makes your boss happy that you don’t take time off, nor does it have anything to do with being a good neighbor. Whatever you do to be good enough for others let it go for a minute and be that good to you, Just For You regardless of how uncomfortable and foreign it feels. Suddenly, you’ll notice that those wonderful NARP modules will start to feel like a relaxing moment on the beach laying in the sun. That’s how the NARP modules feel to me. They feel like the greatest moments of self-love. Practice being selfish and you’ll discover that you never were. It’s just the narcissist in your head devaluing you for his/her own gain. Releasing trauma will become so much easier when we let go of the misunderstanding about the difference between selfish and self-care and start to value giving to ourselves just as much as we value giving to others.

    Thank you Mel for always taking the time to help us out of the chaos. I’m so grateful to have this community as I continue on the path of healing and thriving. I almost can’t believe how much peace I have now. It’s kind of weird because even when I feel some minor stress, there’s something in me that knows everything is going to be just fine. Love you much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Asha,

      you have explained this perfectly, how difficult it is for so many to start valuing self.

      I love that you are self-partnering and using NARP To grant yourself the attention to clear trauma and reprogram your inner being.

      That to me, like you, was my total self-love and self-care to love myself enough to do that.

      Oh gosh, powerful words – ‘practice being selfish and you will discover that you never were.’

      You are AMAZING Asha – its such a joy to have you with us in this Community.

      You are very welcome Dear Sister and thank you for walking this path with us all!

      Keep shining your light and so much love to you too.

      Mel 🙏💕❤

    Jonna Christensen
    November 8, 2018

    THANK YOU…forever and ever, Melanie!!! I have listened to you for a long time….over and over again….
    and it is amazing…I have all the time understood….you gave me relief…I felt confirmed. Now, finally, I am beginning to FEEL it!!! Am beginning slooowly…to live from the inside…feeling more and more love to myself…being guided by my heart….trusting myself. It is ME, who is doing the very hard inner work, healing my trauma…..but YOU are my wonderful, vise, loving, committed teacher….what a gift to all of us who have decided: NO more…I am going within…I am going to heal!!!!
    Lots of love and gratitude from Jonna (Denmark)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 8, 2018

      Hi Jonna darling …

      Awww your words are so beautiful – and I am so so happy for you!

      So much love to you Dear Lady!

      Biggest hugs and blessings coming your way!

      Mel 🙏💕❤

    Angelina Lazar
    November 8, 2018


    She passed on that CURSE to my brother, who is FULL OF HIMSELF, and BOMBASTIC AS CAN BE, who is EVEN MORE NARCISSISTIC than HER!

    And HE, IN TURN, passed that onto HIS FIRST-BORN, who is an EXTREME PSYCHOPATH!


    I am THE ONLY ONE in the FAMILY that SEES THEM for WHAT THEY ARE, and has the HOLY BRAVADO to CALL THEM BY NAME, EXPOSE THEM and HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE! Everyone else retreats to their corner, petrified to deal with these DEMONS in them! They would RATHER just BRUSH THE DUST UNDER THE RUG!




    And with that, you will have ALL THE PEACE IN THE WORLD….. leaving THEM to REPENT and DEAL WITH THEIR OWN MESS, SINS & VICE!


    Best & God Bless!

    November 9, 2018

    Ouch, what a topic. Once the n said to me (I work as a journalist), “you are not a professional, you are just an amateur”. This hurt me immensely. I am very dedicated to my work and have over ten years experience. Journalist work does not necessarily even require any formal training (like a doctor or nurse for example). And I do have graduated from the university, I studied natural science, so I can say I’m pretty educated woman! But he just completely devalued me with this one line.
    Obviously this hurt me very much, because this was more than two years ago and I still remember this comment so vividly. And what’s more annoying, how and what work I do, it is between me and my boss. The n doesn’t know anything about it and it’s none of his business anyway!
    He just wanted me to feel bad about myself and doubt myself…does this sound like an ideal boyfriend? 🙁
    I just answered to him sarcastically, that yeah, isn’t it awesome to be just an “amateur” and still get paid more than 3000 dollars per month?
    Because I’m not going to listen to that kind of crap! 🙂

    I’m not with him anymore, although I might still have some energetic connection…annoying, I still need to work with that!

    I think my pattern is, I always, always, always wanted to see good in everyone. It’s hard to accept this person is not particularly good, he has no good intentions (ouch, just typing those words hurt, I did love him!). Even if some aspects of him are good (or I don’t know anymore if this is true), there are plenty of bad too.

    In this healing journey, what is so sad and shocking…I’ve come to this conclusion, that a n looks like a human…but there is absolutely no human inside.
    All my my deepest woundings, he just happily used them against me and was probably delighted to see the pain he caused. It’s just confusing, how this kind of individuals can even exist? 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 9, 2018

      Hi A,

      It is so true that narcissists find what hurts the most and target it within us.

      Yet .,. here is the thing, truly, when we turn within and do the energetic healing work on every part of us that has reacted in a way that confirms we already weren’t whole in this place (if we were their words / actions would not have impacted – we would never have believed / accepted them) then we discover they detonated a wound in repetition, one that already existed that now we can heal.

      Without exception A, it is via this inner tending after narcissistic abuse that we become freer emotionally as our True Selves than we ever have been.

      This isn’t logical work, it happens deep in our being, in our subconscious emotional programs when we know how to work on ourselves st that level.

      Have you connected to my free resources and tried Quanta Freedom Healing in my free workshop yet?

      That is my highest suggestion for you –

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

        November 9, 2018

        Hi Melanie,

        You know what, just this week, or actually today, at the age of 42 years, I realised something I have never before realised. This my tendency to see (only) good in other people (men)…My dad was abusive when I was a child. I’ve read many articles about trauma and dissociation and suddenly today I had a huge aha-moment. I “needed” to see my dad that way, in order to mentally bear and survive in that situation. I couldn’t escape, my life depended on him, living with him. Today for the first time I felt compassion towards myself, and especially my “mind”, the mind is very clever and does everything it can to protect us and to survive. So it blocked all this information and proof, that my dad is unsafe and bad to me. It only saw, or wanted to see, the good.
        Now I can see so clearly from where this all came from…to attract n partners and to stay with them. Now I understand why I have all my adult life had this naive, innocent, ideologic tendency to see and believe only the good about others. I understand also now how very dangerous this was with the n!! He could do whatever bad, and somehow my brain blocked that information, and only saw the good. He must have been delighted! A n’s daydream come true! 🙁
        I understand now, that this my pattern to people-please and see only the good…this all comes from the trauma, some part of my brain believes, that only by behaving this way, I can guarantee my safety and survival. It’s easy for my friends to say “do not please men”, but they don’t realise that by NOT doing that, it activates some very primordial survival fear in me.
        I’m proud of myself, this week I was able to cover a lot of sh*t. I feel also little bit miserable, why I couldn’t get this awareness and heal when I was 22 or 32 years…so many years unnecessary suffering 🙁 It’s a terrible thought. Here I am, 42 years and single and no children. I would have wanted to live normally too…like all the normal people. But maybe I still have time and possibility for all of that. You bet I’m very ferocious and determined with this healing work! 🙂

        PS. Amazing how still tiny part of me wants for example to send christmas card or birthday greeting to the n, to delight, please him. Who wouldn’t be pleased to be remembered on a special day? My mind still easily forgets, that this person was violent and bad towards me. Yeah, this is a process…I guess old habits die slowly 🙂

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 9, 2018

          A it’s great that you have got this awareness now.

          Please know absolutely there is time for you to start creating your dreams.

          I’d love you to watch this Thriver Show with Kerry, who now in her early 40s has a beautiful relationship and son.

          I hope this can help inspire you

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

            November 9, 2018

            Aww, sure it will. Thank you for your guidance and help <3

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            November 10, 2018

            It’s my pleasure A.

            Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Laura M
    November 9, 2018

    Wow… your topics seems to always hit spot on – and I’m really starting to see my ex’s patterns for what they are – and the biggest thing – how not to get caught up in them!!! It still hurts like hell, but being able to see how flimsy the claims are, and their basis on lies, is so freeing!!! It has taken me 5 years to reach this point of awareness and freedom. Life is getting so much better. Thank you so much for sharing this with us… you’ve helped me get ‘unstuck’ so many times that my ex has started to suck me back into the drama…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 9, 2018

      Hi Laura,

      I am so pleased my information has helped, and I wish for you the power, inner shift and transformation to break fully free.

      Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Christiane Herzog
    November 9, 2018

    Melanie, you are amazing!
    You have helped me soo much the last year (you still do) in the worst time of my life and I have healed and grown so much since then!
    I have asked a lot of Why, Why is he doing this to me, he is supposed to love me.. now I know! He was my first great love, he was like a magnet to me.
    With him for over 25 years finding out due a friend that he is a covert narcissist.
    Him cheating and wanting to divorce ( now he doesn’t want to anymore) was the best thing that could have happened, and I am now on my way to seperate and live MY LIVE and MY DREAMS and not his!

    There is only one question I have for you,
    My 20 year old son is having a hard time with his father, not understanding him at times and easily triggered by his fathers behaviour.I talk about this with my son trying to make him understand but it is just hard for him, he is so looking for his father to just BE what a father is supposed to be!
    Being there for him, praise him and just being proud of his son.
    It would be easier to have more distance to his father but my son wants to take our business over and has to work with him. I worry for my son as I know how destructive it can be.
    What can I do to help my son?
    Lots of love ❤️


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 9, 2018

      Hi Christiane,

      Thank you and I’m so pleased that I have been able to help and that you are doing so much better and living your life.

      In regard to your son Christiane … the true way I know to impact positively the people we love, is to heal inside us ‘how we see them.’ We can even do Quanta Freedom Hesling work on them by proxy through us.

      It is powerful beyond measure.

      This is the work I did on my own 19 year old son, which Brough him back from the brink, and many people in the NARP Community help their children in this way.

      Are you healing with NARP?

      As a NARP member in the NARP Forum we can instruct you how to do this.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

        November 10, 2018

        Thank you Melanie,

        Yes I am a Narp member for almost a year now.

        I will turn to the community,bless you with all my heart ❤️ !


        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 10, 2018

          That’s great Christiane,

          I look forward to seeing and supporting you in the Forum too!

          Blessings and breakthroughs to you!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    daryl moose
    November 9, 2018

    I have been following you and your teachings for about a year now and you are so right. I am an abused husband (narcissism). What is really sad is you writings are exactly my life. I am a educated man, strong minded, and a very nice guy. I have have had several opportunities to leave, but have not. She has destroyed my soul, by mind and almost bankrupt me. But I am still here. After lots of research, i know that this women is a true narcissist and matches 99% of your teachings. Even when i do the good/bad list, the only thing that is good is the sex and that does not happen very often. I am so addicted to the trauma bonding and being mistreated. Knowing all this I still stay—Why? I think i might be addicted to the sex??, it not love that is for sure. I know she does not love me, she cant—-Love is not being treated like s…. So you are so awesome and make me feel better, I just wish i could get up and leave and I will never be happy until i do
    Thank you for all you do, I wish there was more awareness on this issue

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 9, 2018

      Hi Daryl,

      It’s great that as a guy you have posted here – I wish more men would!

      The real truth Daryl is a subconscious hook keeps us in the game – whether we are male or female – and when we find it within and release it, then we are literally emotionally free to leave.

      Have you considered going deeper to find it? There are more and more men now doing that in this incredible community.

      The starting point is here:

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Treena Fleming
    November 9, 2018

    I believe I had two narcissitic parents. I came from a broken home whereby I lived with my Mother until I was 11. Here I learned I was not important and what I said and did didn’t matter. I then was kicked out of that home into another abusive home with my Father. Who was a rageaholic and screamed and hit me and grounded me for the stupidest things. The end result of my journey had been wanting to kill myself. I had to cut one of my parents off from my life (my dad) thinking that was the problem. But later to find out I still have been trying to have a relatiionship with a Mother that doesn’t care about me as a human being. Doesn’t want to hear how my life is going. ETC. Her way to make herself feel better or look good is to buy me things. Which isn’t heart felt or even requested by me but pushed upon me. Meaning that I am not asked what I need or want it is seen as what is needed thereby I should just accept it (that is the feeling I get). And although it is hard to put my finger on it it always feels completely off to have a relationship with my Mom. I believe narcissism doesn’t always look overt. In essence I think and feel I had one overt Narcissit (my father) and one Covert (my Mother). It makes sense because I really have been struggling to find my centre and love myself over and over. I finally came to the conclusion my programming is set up so that I forget my needs or question them as selfish because of this programming.

    And although I am not that angry at my parents anymore I do want to move past my need to be around my Mom which is what I am working on. Learning to say no and just working on Mothering myself so I am not set up for disappointment that she can not hold space for my heart. As our relationship is really all about her. And truly it makes sense because when I try and focus on me she seems to despise that and does not respond to my conversations about my life. As though she doesn’t really care.

    So I am done trying with her but it does still hurt on some level. I have to remind myself it’s her loss she does not know the REAL me. And sadder still she does not really know herself nor anyone around her. It’s always about what she wants and she does not seem to care that other people have needs unless we stand up to her. Which kinda is exhausting.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. It feels good to share this outloud with others as I have been struggling with this for 48 years.

    Namaste 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 9, 2018

      Hi Treena,

      You are so welcome, and I’m so pleased you found this community and felt held enough to share.

      I really want you to know that we are able now to free ourselves of our trauma in direct ways from our bodies, and heal the fractures from childhood within our subconscious programs.

      My Thriver Hesling processes work very very effectively on our deep core young wounds, helping us become the source of love and solidness that we just didn’t receive.

      Have you checked out what Quanta Freedom Healing can do for you powerfully to heal?

      I’d love you to experience it in my free webinar

      Sending you love and breakthrough healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Christie Lane
    November 9, 2018

    What’s confusing is that I do blame my family for my pain. So I’m not sure if I’m the narcissist. My family have been gas lighting me my entire life. My feelings were never validated. Ever. I was the ‘difficult’ child in the family. I had lots of temper tantrums and never felt I was being loved and nurtured. I always felt this empty hole especially after family gatherings and special holidays. I was the one in the family that wished to try to fix it’s brokenness from an alcoholic father and an emotionally unstable mother.

    I stepped outside the family unit and created a successful life for myself but there was always something wrong with what I did. It never fully measured up to their standards. There was some addiction issues and lots of lying inside my family in order for people to cover up for each other. I drew attention to some of these things and tried to fix them. There was lots of financial issues and abuse to the point of bankruptcy. I gave it one last ‘kick at the can’ to try to ingratiate myself inside my family by digging my parents out of financial distress. I wanted to have something in writing and my family turned on me accusing me of lying about how much I was owed back. They completely cheered me on while I paid all the bills then kicked me to the curb when it came time to be accountable.

    They are all extremely likeable and believable people who continue to tell me my perception of my own life is faulty and wrong and I’m imagining my own issues. Needless to say, people believe them over me and I’m left picking up the pieces of my life. I am devastated and heart broken that my own family have not given their treatment of me a second thought. They’ve never owned up to a single fault. They’ve never had the courage to step up and take ownership of anything they’ve done wrong.

    I have been consistent throughout my life for admitting where I may have overreacted and perhaps could have handled something differently. I’ve never received the same courtesy from any of them except my father who passed shortly after I finished paying all the bills.

    I have kept a cordial but distant relationship with my mother but have nothing to do with my siblings. We are well known in our community to people have picked sides and often chose theirs, only knowing their version of the story.

    This has been devastating. I want to move on but am struggling to do so. I hope watching some of your videos will help set me on a path of healing. I have barely been able to function.

    Thank you for all you do for people like me who struggle with life and people who don’t give a hoot about how they treat others.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 9, 2018

      Awww Christie,

      My heart goes out to you.

      There truly is only one solution and that is for you to detach and heal and become your own whole source without any need for them to be so.

      Please know Christie it is the inner work that gets us there, it’s not just information only. With that in mind I can’t recommend the inner transformational journey enough.

      It starts here:

      It’s the turning inwards to heal and love ourselves to wholeness and then our True Life can begin regardless of what other specific people are or aren’t doing.

      Sending you the healing wishes to take your life back.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    November 9, 2018

    Narcissists are vampires. They use charm and flattery to get vulnerable people under their spell and once they have them hooked, they use their victim’s vulnerabilities to exploit the victim for their strengths, draining the victim of their life force in the process.

    November 9, 2018


    Thank you so much for your insight and understanding! It is disheartening to know there are so many victims of this kind of abuse, yet comforting to know we are not alone.

    Has anyone else experienced being so beaten down and manipulated that you feel like you were turned into a completely different person? I feel like everything that was good about me or that I tried to be good at was completely turned around and I was made out to look like everything the narc actually was. I look like the abuser and liar. Why are others so easily fooled by the complete manipulation of a situation when it is obvious that some of the tactics they have used are completely unethical and just downright wrong? Perhaps they manipulated others to compromise. Why can’t others see if they were manipulated then maybe you were as well?

    November 10, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    “Narcissists are NASTY people.” Funny, how strong reaction this statement causes in me. Part of me wants to defend him (the n), that actually, he is/was really nice sometimes! On an ordinary day, talking about ordinary things, there was no drama.

    I think it would be “easier” for our brain (mind), when we can label someone entirely bad and lunatic, like terrorists etc. But it becomes confusing, when the n sometimes is really nice, sometimes nasty and cruel. The feeling is like…you know those funny quizzes and pictures, “what do you see in this picture” and then it might be for example an old witch or a beautiful young woman, depending from what angle you look at it and this totally confuses the brain, because it cannot decide. I think the same happens with the n…this must be the cognitive dissonance :/

    This is probably the classic n/abuser behaviour, playing nice and bad in turns. Sometimes I think, is he really a “nice person” and sometimes his own inner pain just bursts to the surface, which makes me feel towards him empathy, like “oh, poor him”. Or is he entirely bad with bad intentions, and the nice and good behaviour is him just acting, which makes me feel “yuck”.

    I think way out of this madness is to think with cool head, I think the crucial question in any relationship, n or not, is, is this person able and willing to join me in the type of a relationship I want and need? Nope, he isn’t, sadly. Of course, now when I’ve been in this healing journey, “clear head thinking” becomes easier…At the beginning I was so obsessed, so in love and needy towards him, that I just wanted to be with him, no matter what.
    Quite horrible to realise now afterwards what a perfect catch I was to the n, in so many ways, without knowing anything about this stuff. But we are here to become more empowered, so grateful I found you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 10, 2018

      Hi TT,

      The cognitive dissonance is very powerful, until doing the inner healing and breaking the spell.

      Truly it the truth that does set us free and it doesn’t mean we are judging – we are just accepting the truth.

      I’m so pleased you have come this far along your journey, you’re doing an amazing job!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    November 10, 2018

    This so resonates with my whole point exactly. That deep unresolved childhood hurts are only going to be projected onto you by the narcissist if not addressed. And if 2 people with issues get together, oh my god! You can imagine the insecurities and toxicity of that one! They just will not accept this is the case with them, because its all our doing!…and thus begins the draining, frustrating life ahead. I forgot my self worth, I became a shadow of the woman I was, I lived on eggshells, I was wrongly accused of so many things…and insulted with a host of verbal abuse. Yet, no matter how you try to explain it to them, thinking as we do we can fix them, we can make them see….you get to a point were you almost know it will never happen. They are so defensive and stubborn. Their ego would simply not allow it. That would show defeat, and narcs are so in denial of any issue within themselves.
    I have come out of a 7 year relationship and feel exhausted, so very hurt and broken, it is beyond a normal relationship breakdown. It is completely baffling. you go over and over the… ‘What has just happened’ foggy mess as your brain tries to decipher it all… I feel like I’ve been sucked up into a hurricane, totally unaware of the destruction and heartache to follow as I was spat back out of it… you cannot just come to terms with it and carry on as before….. It is a slow process of trying to stay strong daily and not let the hurt consume you so. ( a hard task after the discard and devalue process)
    I think you have so many of us all nodding away as we listen to your talks Mel, you get it! which is a huge help to hear another talk about what you are going through that others simply don’t get. It is a difficult road for me personally, as boy didn’t we so fall in love them in the beginning! The One! That knight in shining armour we’ve waited for all our lives..and I am trying everyday to accept this wasted energy was not real…THAT is the heartache for me , the coming to terms with it all.

    Thank you for helping Mel xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 10, 2018

      Awww Deb’s,

      You have names and described all of this perfectly.

      It is huge beyond huge! We truly are dealing with a fracture in our soul, because the abuse has been so insidious and deep.

      Debs I know that you are listening to my talks, but have you considered checking out the deeper inner transformational tools?

      There is no comparison as to how that grants us relief, clarity and closure.

      That’s how I can help you the most, here:

      Sending love, healing and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Marlene Burke-Barrett
    November 11, 2018

    Hi. Thanks for your help in enlightening me about narcissism. I always suspected that something wasn’t quite right with my husband, but I didn’t put it all together until I spoke to a friend about him and she suggested that he could be a narc.
    I met this man when I was 18 years old and he was 49 years old. I fell instantly in love with his charm and attentions. Little did I know that it was all an act. We have been married for seven years and the abuse has escalated to the max. Every opportunity this man gets he curses and blast me. We have two boys and I’m praying that it won’t affect their development two much. It’s only since I’ve started reading about narcissism and watching videos that I’m learning to hang on to my sanity, coping and stand up for myself.

    It’s like abuse has targeted me all my life. I used to talk to someone in my age group, but because of his bad treatment of me I decided to talk to someone older. I stuck up for someone at work and it backfired. I was kicked out of my department and sent to another department. It was hell and after I printed my book, Memories of Love, I resigned. Unfortunately, the book wasn’t a success, which pleases my husband a lot. He was against it from the beginning (he’s totally against my writing. I’m still without a job and I’ve been depending on him for support. Thank God for my family’s help. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

    These days I’m just praying to God to make a way for me financially so that I won’t have to ask this man for a dollar.

    Incidentally, my book Memories of Love is a Jamaican story of Love, intrigue and drama. It’s about hardships and the trials of true love–how it endured despite the odds. This is actually my second book. I’m presently working on my third, which is kind of a struggle, but I don’t really mind writing in a notebook. I no longer have a laptop. I had to do a voluntary repossession.

    I love writing and whenever anything pops up in my head, I write it down. It has helped in calming my nerves.

    Anyhow, thanks for bearing with me . I ‘ve gotten the feeling that I was all over the place(smiling) and thanks again for being there for me. Keep up the good work.

    keith grayson
    November 13, 2018

    My paternal Grandparents were very involved in my life, My Father was 19 when I was born, my Mother was 17 for 2 months,
    my paternal Uncle was my Mothers age, in fact he dated my Mom 1st.
    My Grandmother was 40 when I was born, my Father was her favorite and for 95 % of my life, so was I.
    It was ok with me I got a Yamaha mini enduro 60 for xmas when I was 10 while my younger Sister(13 months)
    and younger Brother(5 yrs) got a bike and a Big wheel, I was a kid, my Sister and my Mother would speak of it however never to my Fathers family.
    My Grandmother adored me (I thought) they owned 2 MTI colleges and she would take me to both of them every week,I would clean all the chalkboards, dump trash, sweep, mop, wipe down the desks, re stock the soda machine at 2 schools every Wednesday for $5 I thought her parading me
    around was because I was special to her, I trimmed her 100 rose bushes picked up her Pekingese dogs poop, apply liquid gold to her cavernous knotty pine family room with 15 ft ceiling, do windows, gutters, paint, mow, change tires on cars, charge batteries, trim trees, dig holes, lift the heaviest things because they freaked out at my power, I was fooled , in hindsight she used me to make her life better with me doing the things nobody would do. She was so nice to me she had a big Oldsmobile convertible and wore sunglasses like cat eyes ‘, her bathroom was full of oils & Salts, mineral baths, bath beads and balls, perfumes, her bedroom was all red, I mean everything, carpet, walls, curtains, bed covers, phone, it was different.
    She was raised in Montana the youngest and only daughter with 6 older brothers, she loved all men but hated all women, all her Brothers wives were no good, my Dad and Uncles women, she hated them all, all mine too, I knew she had a terrible sometimes vicious anger and over the top revenge, like calling CPS on my Mom, they were Masonic big time and knew the police well my Grandfather was a Principal at the High school before buying the MTI schools, the cop who showed up with a young cop I had seen before with my Grandpa, he had red hair and his name was Ronald MacDonald, swear to God! I never forgot that for that reason and for scaring my Mom so badly, the young cop told my Mom this was obviously a mistake and apologized to her! I thought, what if my Mom had some pot like some of my friends Moms had? I would of been taken away!
    The next door neighbor was cutting his hedge that divided the yards so he could park his new RV and it was just feet away from the master bedroom,
    my Grandmother freaked out saying they were cutting the hedge so the RV could be parked and it was close to her room, the guy had every right to do it and was telling my Uncle what he was doing and he got involved and they really argued, my Uncle I recall was actually going to the neighbors house to ask him to ask my Grandmother if it was ok if he did it and act as if what she felt was important to him! Of course he said I’m not going to play that game, she knows you are here trying to make me do it and still wants it! sorry I have every right to do it regardless of anyone’s feelings.
    It was what made their relationship sour after years of being neighbors, I knew she had a really bad side but it was never directed to me, I never imagined it could nor would. My Grandfather had a paddle made from a boat oar, it had holes drilled in it and a leather wrapped handle, it said Board of education on it! My Uncle and Dad used to tell me about how Grandpa was crazy as a younger man and would whip them in ways today he would be jailed, but both of them said Nana was the one who’s wrath was to be feared and it was so bad you would choose to be caned if given the choice! She made me feel that, I still would gladly be caned if I could avoid her punishment to me at the end of her life, actually after her life was over because she was using me to her last breathe but for her last 3 months, secretly leading me to a fiscal cliff while continuing to enjoy my extreme level of care only royalty will ever know, she insisted on my being her power of attorney for health as she knew her best interests were with me.
    My Uncle and Grandparents were weirdly close, everyone made jokes about it, not to them of course, but my Uncle was like the guy in Its a mad mad mad mad world who played Ethyl Murmans son, an insane Mommas boy, my Dad although her favorite was always avoiding his parents, they chased him when he moved 500 miles away and bought every home he owned after he wanted to move, meanwhile my Uncle who was kookoo over the top over My Grandparents, he was never far from them and they stayed at his home 1/2 the time, they both had many projects that made money, I was used as the grunt big time and for everybody’s dirty job, I was fixer for them all, If not for me, close to a million cash would have been lost’
    My grandmother bought Freddy Mac and it crashed , $500,000 became $50,000, I and eventually an attorney I initiated contact with recovered the $500,000 from the trust she was in charge of after my Grandfathers, Uncles and Fathers deaths 2006 to 2009.
    My Father bullied her to give him $250,000 , his inheritance early, he got pancreatic cancer after that and died with $179,000 of the $250,000 and my Stepmother refused my Grandmother her money. I had to remind my Stepmother that when she was her Mothers trustee her Brother wanted the same thing and she was aghast and refused him ! plus with her 30+ years of DHHS, CPS, Family court, officer of the court, she would have a ahrd time saying she did not recognize elder abuse in her own home! she wrote a check for $179,000 ! Those 2 alone are $679,000 in cash I recovered that was GONE!
    The $90,000 a year for a care home the trust avoided for 5 years is $450,000, that is not in cash but it preserved the trust, my Grandma had a $43k a year income and never even spent that all, the trust had $2.3 million in cash and my Sister and I were the beneficiaries, my Sister did not invite our grandparents to her wedding and never set foot in each others homes for decades, I had never nor could ever do that to them so imagine my complete bewilderment when I learn my Sister was not cut out and I was cut out of my $1 million + whixch I not only had coming by trust but via a fullfilled care contract which was not for any money beyond what was mine via the trust, it was to not revoke, reduce my existing 50% of the trust my Grandfather carefully assembled through sacrifice and work and discipline, denying himself. not many 89 yr old dudes leave $2 million cash, he had since I was a kid told me how he had a trust, he always told a story of my Sister and I when we were very young, we had trick or treated and both had a good haul of candy in our bags, we poured it out onto the table and my grandfather said oh boy I like that kind and reached for my Sisters candy and she said NO and gave him a bit then said no more! He asked me and I said ok and he kept taking it while talking to me about something and my face was changing but I never said stop, he was about 2/3 into my candy and I was still letting him take some but I was really sad and finally he asked me for the last piece of my candy and I said yes to him, he told me that story 100’s of times.
    In 2011 My sweet loving Nana was prescribed Pradaxa for her atrial fibrillation that her last Dr stopped blood thinners but his had anti dotes, Pradaxa was new and we never knew it until she was in the ICU getting 6 units of blood, most over 70 were killed by Pradaxa and she was 90 when she got it.
    I was in the cardiologists office with her when he prescribed it after she complained of dizziness, she was dizzy cause she was 90 and I discovered hopelessly addicted to codeine cough syrup, she drank a 90 dose bottle every month, she had bottles of every opioid made but the syrup was by far her favorite, she saved her old bottles upside down, I actually saw her licking the threaded cap for the bottle! she would panic, freak out , make numerous calls to her Dr and pharmacy near the end of the month, she would get furious, she was always a hypochondriac, but that was what killed her in the end with the exact death she feared most of all, paralyzed, unable to speak, drink, decide what’s for dinner and when, when to bathe, nobody was there to kill a fly in 1 minute of her seeing it, making her peach ice cream, feeding birds and squirrels and humming birds for her to watch, to spread her butter and jam to the edges of her toast, I became her loser grandson after she stroked on Pradaxa and from 2011 to 2014, 3 yrs her health declined and she was meaner and more cruel as she was stroking, I initiated a lawsuit over Pradaxa which she won days before her death, she got $125,000 due to being 80+ so that’s more cash money I added to the trust, there was a bit more still but its too tedious to go into but basically a contractor got $12,000 from her by grooming her, lying to her promising things,using photo albums of his work, I got the feeling he acted like perverts do to kids and wondered if the guy was on Megan’s list and he was I found the guy and got her money back on that too!
    She had weekly urine and blood tests that I drove her to, while waiting I used to see ads about whole body scans for $279.00
    And I thought I bet my heart is plugged up as I was always really big, not so fat my 1st 50 yrs but as I was a caregiver no longer doing my HVAC work I got really huge! In 1997 I was hit by a car going 50 mph as I rode my motorcycle, my left femur was broken in 5 places, the femoral head was fractured and it was compound, both my wrists were broken, my surgeon said he saw a tiny shadow on my kidney, I might want to get it looked at after this was over, I was very busy unable to walk or wipe my butt for a few months and as a year passed I figured the kidney shadow was nothing. in 2013, just after My Grandmother left my home after asking me to go to home depot for her, when I came home her stuff was all gone and a lady was taking the last bit out of her room, everything except the night light I bought her for when she was back in California after my Dad died, she loved that night light, it was a ball , globe and could turn colors, she had many times expressed how much she liked it yet there it was by itself the only thing left in her room, I asked the lady moving her stuff and she said my grandmother was explicit to leave only the night light, that was a gut blow like I never felt.
    She was only communicating with me via others as if I was bad now, she was in 3 care homes in her last 3 months.
    Just days after this I had a kidney stone I thought and peed blood, I went to the ER and they cat scanned me and found a tumor 8 x 4 cm, 2nd stage renal cell carcinoma ! I was in the hospital 2 days when I recalled the 1997 kidney shadow they saw and asked if it could be the same thing, they said not likely at all but will see, they come back the 3rd day saying we no longer think you have cancer however the tumor resembles cancer in every way but it is not spreading and wanted to remove my kidney, it is 2018 and still going, I had to get a lawyer at 33% to learn the trust was an AB trust and 50% was irrevocable since 2006 and it cant be revoked yet she found a dirty lawyer who continued the charade after my grandmothers death, in fact her financial advisor became her POA trustee too which is forbidden I learned too late! He tried telling my Sister she had $250k coming and to sign the release to expedite her $250,000 cash, I let her know the trust had $2.3 million, the trustee was unaware I knew it and tried to deny it for almost 6 months after probate I had to initiate, my Sister was fighting me to get anything! she never did a thing ever yet was too happy to use me to enrich her life while impoverishing me! theres way more but I am exhausted reliving it, its ongoing nightmare for me to this day, every day I wake up knowing my life is going to not be ok as I was led to beleicve and relied upon and earned by contract but my atorney failed to file the claim in time so my contract wsas not raised in probate ever, creditors are to be paid in full before any beneficiary but reality is not as it should be .

    Amanda Hillery
    November 14, 2018

    MTE you are a blessing and a savant/genius on this subject. Thank you for sharing all your in depth knowledge and understanding to help us who are so hurt, confused and in my case with a narc who is not only (with ever increasing frequency) nasty but just so good at creating chaos and then blaming me for not managing the chaos better……I am hoping we are in the final “death throws” and that I will be getting off the “bucking bronco”. When the dust settles I hope to tap into and use the healing resources that you have created because I know that I have not healed my own inner childhood woulds. I feel that one of the reasons that being with the narc “worked” for me despite the excruciating pain is that it distracted me from my own deep woulds that I fear I can not heal. There is never a moment to sooth yourself when you are in the clutches of a narc. PS: Tiggy looks like Freida Kahlo with a crown of roses in this video. I am reaching out from another continent and embracing you. With love and gratitude – Amanda

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2018

      Hi Amanda,

      Thank you for your lovely words!

      That’s great that you want to turn inwards to heal and sending you strength and clarity for what lies ahead.

      You are so going to get there!

      Tiggy certainly did look like that – agreed!

      So much love and gratitude to you too Amanda sweetheart.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    angee monk
    November 23, 2018

    all of your words describe where i am and how i got here. i am struggling alot with breaking completely free. i still feel such a yearning to be with him even though he has someone new. it has only been completely broke up 6 weeks when he slept with her after lying to me that he even wanted see her. we have been rocky road for year half but been together 6 years. this all came about week after our anniversary. of course i am blamed for it all. for why he is with her, for why he drank, why he said things did. i am stress is his answer. and knowing and seeing all signs and flags from your videos and letters, i still want him? i have stop for our sons sake. he is 5 and special needs and has seen as well been held by me during fights. im do torn inside snd depleated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 24, 2018

      Hi Angee,

      My heart goes out to you, it is so painful when we feel hooked even though we know how painful and abusive it is to be with someone.

      The reason why you still want him is because an inner young part of you, that also didnt feel safely and wholly loved requires healing.

      Please know Angee it’s the turning inwards and healing ourselves back to wholeness that grants us the ability lose the pulls and the attraction to people who represent our unhealed parts.

      My Thriver Way to heal is all about that recovery process and I’d love to help you understand more about it here:

      I promise you there is a way out of this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Tricia Anderson
    November 30, 2018

    Hi. Im so shattered right now. Ive been with my narc,(only discovered what one was through pinterest) for 9 years. I havent trusted him for months,after going through his phone and finding messages to another woman. He denied it all of course. He sent me a huge bunch of flowers with a card saying” ive only ever been yours” 3 weeks ago,and then the next night stayed in a motel room with somebody hed picked up on the internet.i only found out about all this last week when the woman contacted me on facebook. He had lied to her saying he was single.she told me many times,where and even sent me screenshots of their messages. He was sending her naked photos calling her babe,and pleading for sex daily. All this while still with me. He even proposed marriage 2 weeks ago. I confronted him and of course he denied first but once i told him then showed him proof,he said it was all my fault. Came out with all this rubbish how i thought i was better than him,put him down ,never showed encouragement ,didnt praise him etc. How can one person say they love you and want to marry you and then systematically be plotting to destroy you. Why not leave if he felt i truly did those things. Its all just so devastating, and shocking, i can barely function. The flowers card and proposal while having an affair have so shattered me i dont know what to do. All i do is cry and think what did i do to deserve this. I knew it wasnt a normal way to feel after a breakup. I try and get answers from him but he just makes excuses. He doesnt seem to be hurt or even care what hes done. Seems very smug.i really dont know what to do or how to stop it eating me alive.

    Diane Sumner
    January 26, 2019

    As true to your inner self… infinitely, compassionately succinct as you always are! Wonderful that you can share these innate gifts with others! Thank You!

    January 31, 2019

    I am the queen of attracting narcissists. I think I am an empath, people pleaser, over giver.
    I finally escaped the wrath last year of an on again off again relationship spanning three years with a narcissist. Boy did he make it hard to leave. Had to be in control to the very last minute. I virtually ran for my life. Leading up to my departure, I became someone I didn’t recognise. I was so full of anger that I lashed out at a lot of undeserving people.
    I then promptly met another narcissist. I think it is very easy to be vulnerable to such types when your vibrational energy is low. They can pick you from a mile away. The love bombing feels incredible after devalue and discard from another.
    I have done a lot of reading on narcissists. I have also started to meditate and be honest with myself about what I want. Listening to your gut also helps.
    My point is however the love bombing stage. If you become sexually intimate with a narcissist during this stage your body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a feel good, bonding hormone. It’s like a drug…quite addictive. I personally believe it can make you blind to red flags.
    I was love bombed and a walking oxytocin woman with this recent narcissist. During the devaluation stage I didn’t see him for 5 weeks. It worked in my favour as I came off my oxytocin high and the rose coloured glasses fell off. I saw him last week with all intentions of continuing this “situationship”. The intimacy was “meh” because I had been downgraded to devaluation and my body had detoxed from oxytocin over load. It was consensual but I felt violated reflecting back on it. So, I ditched him on the weekend. Told him I wasn’t feeling it and to be honest, I find involvement with people who control, set the pace and have no regard for their partners feelings and needs really, really boring.
    Narcissists fill your life with drama and pain. But they are boring.
    So ladies and gentlemen, try and be mindful of the chemical processes that happen in your body when you are intimate with someone. Factor it in to why you feel the way you do.
    There is a reason for not becoming intimate with someone before you really know them.

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